Hudson Hawk w/ Emily Gordon (HDTGM Matinee)

Tron Aries has arrived.

I would like you to meet Aries, the ultimate AI soldier.

He is biblically strong and supremely intelligent.

You think you're in control of this?

You're not.

On October 10th.

What are you?

My world is coming to destroy yours, but I can help you.

The war for our world begins in IMAX.

Tron Aries, suited PG-13.

Maybe inappropriate for children under 13.

Only in theaters October 10th.

Get tickets now.

At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

That thing that says, I will not accept this world that is.

While it drives us to create what could be,

that world can't wait to see what you'll do.

Where will your wonder take you?

And what will it make you?

The University of Arizona.

Wonder makes you.

Start your journey at wonder.azona.edu.

At Girls Jr., Latebirds get the bag.

Build your own bag after 8 p.m.

for $5.99.

Get a Cali Classic single, fries plus chicken stars.

Or get a spicy chicken sandwich, onion rings plus chicken stars.

This deal is stacked.

Don't hit the sack.

Hit the drive-thru.

Build your own bag.

Just $5.99.

Only at Girls Jr., you build it, you eat it.

Order your bag on the app and unlock even more Burgers Insides.

Available for a limited time at participating restaurants.

Tax not included.

Price may vary.

Not valid within the offer discount or combo.

See yet for details.

Remember that time Bruce Willis used to wear five earrings?

We do.

We saw Hudson Hawks, so you know what that means.

Hello, people of Earth, and welcome to How Did This Get Made?

I am Paul Scheer, joined as always by my two co-hosts, Jason Manzukas.

How are you, Jason?

I'm good, Paul.

How are you?

Very good.

And Miss June Diane Rafael, am I getting that right?

Yeah, that's correct.

Thank you.

Okay, great.

As always, we have a very special guest with us.

Miss.

Miss June Diane.

Yeah.

Oh, that's right.

Just like her Twitter handle.

MS.

You got that right.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

You got that right.

Cool.

I'm just

sussing that out for myself.

We have a very special guest today.

You know her from her podcast, The Indoor Kids, all about video games.

It's awesome.

Please welcome Emily Gordon.

Welcome, Emily.

Hello.

Hi, everybody.

Welcome.

I like the one hand clap.

I know.

It was right there.

You got a clap.

Yay.

I'll say this.

Very few claps ever have.

We never give a clap.

Yeah.

It wasn't like not a clap.

It didn't make a conscious.

No, that was the most that anyone's got.

Yeah.

It really was.

Like,

you should appreciate that Paul had an involuntary response, which was to applaud your being here.

And that June and I looked at him and said, what are you doing?

No.

Yeah, Yeah, no.

Yeah, they were not going to give it up.

We don't want you to get too cocky.

Yeah, I'd be like, I love LA.

How's LA doing tonight?

Anybody smoke weed?

And then see what I can get from that.

I love cheating.

Guys, let's talk about this movie because...

First of all, what the hell is it?

Is it a comedy?

Is it a mystery?

Is it an action movie?

A drama, a musical?

I think it's a cartoon that is just with real people in it.

That's what I think.

There's lots of like very loony tunes, like head bonks and like whenever stuff like punches and stuff, it's very like the sound effects are crazy.

Yeah, it's a bit much.

I couldn't quite tell though if that was a decision made before like after the movie was shot because like or did Bruce Willis write them in?

Because he wrote this movie.

Yes.

I think they were already in because if you'll remember the scene where

By the way, I have no idea what happens in this movie.

I just wrote down words like Mario Brothers, Mayflowers, Da Vinci.

Like I do not know the plot of this movie.

But there's one scene where someone punches him and he sort of folds and too.

Yeah.

And then he comes back up and then he folds again.

Oh, yeah.

And like the paralysis scene.

There's a lot of physical comedy that is very kind of.

So I think that's the tone they were going.

I think so too.

I agree.

I will say that everything about this movie is like a vanity project gone horribly wrong.

Yes.

Because I don't think anyone was on the same page.

I feel like Bruce Willis was doing something and everyone else was doing something too.

And we were talking about this before this started.

Like, I think everyone was committing 100%.

Oh, yeah.

Everybody tried really hard.

Yeah.

And everybody, I felt like, was like, you know what?

We're really nailing it.

I felt like every, I felt like Richard E.

Grant and Sandra Burner.

I felt like James Coburn.

I felt like everybody was like, you know what?

We're fucking killing this.

David Caruso killed it so hard.

Oh my god.

David Caruso was unbelievable.

And by that, I mean he was horrible.

David Caruso plays a mute named Kit Kat who is working for the CIA.

All the CIA characters have candy bar names.

We can get into that later.

Or not.

Or no.

I think that's it.

I think that's all you need to hear.

I keep on going.

Not only do they have candy bar names, but they are all eating the candy bars they are named after

at the auction.

Their introduction,

before they are named, their introduction is he looks around and notices there are five people eating candy bars in an auction where there are also like five shakes.

But I thought that that's how they they got their names.

Well, they had other names before, and then I know you had others.

So you might be right.

Maybe that's because it's their preference.

I like my body.

But then they still have to eat them?

They don't have to.

It's just like, that's the candy they like.

Guess what?

If you're an undercover CIA agent at an incredibly fancy $100 million auction, guess what you don't do?

Pull out store-bought candy and start chomping on it like you're a goddamn asshole.

Lindor Truffles, and you've got to be Lindoruff.

Yeah, yeah, like a Ferrero share.

The guy,

that's the fanciest candy in the world to us.

Eat that and Toblerone, the classy candy.

Those are the candies that your parents brought you back from the duty free shops when they went on an international trip.

And sometimes an Andy's mint.

But let me ask you a question about Kit Kat, because Kit Kat's defining CIA trait is that he dresses up as

he's a mimic, yeah,

but he's not a good maid as a moment.

He's not only a mimic, but he's an incidental mimic.

Like he just incidentally arrives on the scene wearing exactly what one of the two people in the scene is wearing.

Either Bruce Willis or the one that truly blew my mind is

when he was dressed as Andy McDowell.

Yes.

When he shows up, when he

escorts her out in Italy in a matching red dress and a wig like hers,

how could he have known?

What is the movie?

CIA is like, so

are you going to be Andy McDowell at any point?

No.

He's like, oh, this will be fun.

I'll dress up like the people we're working with, but I'm not going to use that to any advantage, tactical advantage.

None of it.

The only thing he does to any advantage is

say to Bruce Willis via card, because he doesn't speak, watch out for the blue wire.

Right.

And by the way, so he has to communicate through business cards, but the business cards are so utterly specific.

And they're pre-typed.

Yes.

That's the bit.

That's the bit.

There's so much in this movie that, like, it's like,

there are pieces of this movie that have a toys-like logic to the movie.

Yes.

That is completely unfounded and unwarranted.

Like, toys lived in a fantasy world and everything obeyed that reality.

When they fall out of the sky, they land on chairs.

Yes.

Or when they fall, when they jump off of like a two-story building and land on a marble,

marble, like, like, slab.

It's really hard.

It's really hard.

they're really hard they're just they're like totally fine but it's juxtaposed with scenes of brutal violence yeah people getting shot in the head

heads cut off yep like it's so it's like they didn't can like they didn't stick that landing like i'm okay with a three stooges movie but you never in the three stooges do you see someone get their heads cut off i felt like bruce willis was like let's do die hard with three stooges plus bugs bunny plus da vinci plus the vatican andy mcdowell's a nun and i get to sing a song.

It feels like they were writing this movie on set.

Like, hey, we'll sing a song now.

Put it in new script pages, new script pages.

Because guess what cat burglars should be doing while they're robbing

auction house

is audibly singing.

This is my theory.

My theory of the movie is that Bruce Willis has a band called Bruce Willis and the Accelerators.

Oh, I had the album

when I was a kid.

I mean, what's the name of the

return of Bruno?

Yeah.

And my theory is that he wanted to make a movie where he could sing and yet not have it it be like a quote-unquote fruity musical.

And so he was like, I need to make an action movie.

Maybe there's human.

I couldn't try enough singing.

I agree.

I could have used more.

I'll tell you what.

I enjoyed that scene.

The first one.

The first singing on a star.

Yeah.

Swing on a star.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It actually was quite enjoyable, even though it didn't make any sense whatsoever.

Of course not.

Oh, heavens now.

But I did think, here's the thing, and I did, I enjoyed the...

the concept

that they could they would time the robbery because they knew the length of certain songs i i agree agree with you on this, but I'm going to just throw one wrench into this.

That would require them to sing the entire time

together.

Which they don't do.

They stop for harmonies,

or they stop for solos.

So if I'm in another side of the museum and I'm just pausing, you're still counting at that point.

I think they're still counting.

Yeah.

Okay.

They're still counting.

Regardless, though, it would be one thing if they both put on a little transistor radio headset and listened to the song.

Yeah.

But they are singing out loud while cat burgling.

And dancing.

Oh, and dancing.

And by the way, I'm going to say one thing before I play this clip of them actually singing because I think you need to hear it.

This movie is based on a song.

What?

Yes.

Come again.

Bruce Willis wrote this movie.

It was based on a song that him and this guy, I believe Robert Kraft is his name, they wrote a song together called Hudson Hawks.

Oh, called Hudson Hawks.

Hudson Hawks.

Because it's the one that plays over the end credits.

Yes.

Yeah.

So basically, that song bred this movie.

Now, here's a song.

Now here's them singing.

Let's take a listen.

He does have a nice singing.

He does it.

If you like someone whispering a song.

I do.

I do.

I guess I do, too.

And so they do this long musical.

They do this long, long sequence.

Now, here's my issue with that sequence.

It was a kind of, again, I agree.

cool premise right that they they know the the the beats and everything like that but then bruce willis is the sloppiest cat burglar because not only does he rob the safe but then he leaves everything open and really unattended very unattended very unattended there's no which robbery are you talking about the first robbery

first right oh by the way this they're robbing a place that they're robbing a gallery that

behind their famous paintings, they have a safe, which I thought was

a weird touch.

Paintings are.

They just are covers for safe.

That's the only thing that's the only thing that's the only museums.

They weren't painting and then by like a painting.

Well, you know, most museums, most museums have upwards of 2,000 safes on the walls.

That's all.

And it's just.

Because it's just behind every painting is a safe.

Yeah.

It's like a safety deposit box, but it's an arty deposit box.

There may not be anything in them.

No, no.

They're always there.

He is.

They are.

The action in this movie is so

deeply flawed.

I mean, the action, like the heist specifics.

He seems so able to do

everything

needed in a heist within no time at all.

He gets from the basement to the roof, from the roof to the gallery.

He opens this.

All he has to do is put a lockpick three inches from a lock and the door is like open.

It's like it is very bizarre how easy it is to rob the most complex

organization.

He robbed the Vatican at one point, spoiler alert.

And

with ease, he was in there for roughly three to four minutes.

And he had roughly an hour of prep.

Like, he got to Italy.

He woke up in a giant suitcase.

Excuse me.

He woke up in a giant suitcase.

Stuffed with peanuts.

Having been shipped to Italy.

Why?

Why did they need to ship him to Italy in a box?

Because he would have fought.

He would have fought.

But why not just knock him out?

But I'm assuming they put him in cargo.

Yes.

Oh, they did.

For sure, yeah, because he was in the peanuts.

He was in the packing peanuts.

Guys, what?

So many eyebrows would have been raised if they tried to get him.

A knocked out Bruce Willis.

You're not going to get that.

You're not going to get that.

He and Danny Aiella were singing that song.

He gets the horse.

Then they start singing it just full-throated.

Yes.

And then they come together.

Well done.

We did this.

They come together and they're laughing.

They're dancing.

And

they're still in the auction house.

They're in the middle of the robbery.

Like he decides.

They're not at the end.

No.

They're in the middle.

They are are celebrating the fuck.

You have to get out of there.

They don't know that.

They knew they had a very short time interval to get out, and they had no problem leaving this.

Say everything about, like, also the whole plan was that this video thing would be on a loop, and at the end of two minutes or whatever, it would reveal itself.

It's not unlike in toys.

Yes.

When

Robin Williams makes the music video, which is also a very funny video.

We just watched it recently.

And

it's so full of so many amazing moments.

June was unfortunately not there.

Wait, you didn't see it, though?

She doesn't feel like she's unfortunate at all.

Oh, June.

I know.

It's really not good.

But you would think like the idea would be, we need to rob this place.

And so when the video monitors come back on, everything will be back to normal.

But they make a giant mess of that.

It's a giant mess.

Yeah, it's, it's.

Well, there's also like a complete disregard for time.

Oh, okay.

So, like, for example, just in this example alone, Danny Aiella goes, I need five minutes.

And they go, Perfect.

Here's the song.

Whatever.

Bing, bang, boom.

Now they all start singing.

Bing, bang, ba-doo.

Okay.

Five minutes does not.

I mean, like, the time is, Danny Aiello fucks up the VCRs.

Yes.

Like the whatever it is.

He's the dubbing of the of the footage.

You know, he's mistakenly done that.

He's made a mess of that.

And then later, when the guy sets the bomb to go off in two minutes, the bomb goes off in 35 seconds.

35 seconds, 100%.

It's counting down like two minutes, you know, 140, one, whatever, blah, blah, blah.

And then, boom, it explodes.

Well, the bomb logic in this movie is insane.

As one person gets a bomb stuck to their head later in the movie, and it's just by a big suction cup.

He's like, Ouija, yeah.

Yeah.

And he

could not get that off.

Yeah, that would be something that you could get off.

By the way, if you shot...

that thing at his head with that amount of volume, his head would have exploded instantaneously.

Or just broken his neck.

I mean, the force of the

pound thing.

Here's the weird thing.

It's a gun that shoots bombs.

If anybody's wondering what we're talking about.

Bomb guns.

The bad guys have, one of the sets of bad guys have, we haven't explained this movie at all.

No, we haven't talked about Da Vinci.

We haven't talked about

this movie.

How dare you.

A lot of people wrote in that you look exactly like Da Vinci.

We'll post a picture on the website so you can see it.

You know what, audience?

I do not care for this.

You will respect me.

I will.

From now on.

Wait, what?

Let me see it.

Here it is.

It is an amazing, amazing life.

You love a bitch.

Well, by the way, Da Vinci does one of those things.

And this movie, I'm going to talk about this a couple times, I think.

It does these things that bad movie tropes.

And one of the things that always gets me is

old characters putting on sunglasses.

Great.

Skateboards.

Skateboards are there.

Which is definitely in there.

I wrote down another one in here, too.

We'll get to it.

Fine ones.

Oh, okay, guys.

No, no, please.

Freeze frame, which turns into drawing.

I love it.

Which is then in the book.

Like, yes, so

those are three things that I feel like, if you ever see those, you know you are watching.

Oh, and and sorry.

um oh no that's in the next movie when a movie opens in like 1300 whatever when it opens on that and it just looks like something like the corner of a Spencer gifts that they somehow I'm like oh I'm on board I'm ready for a movie how about this how about when da Vinci enters his lab and cracks his knuckles he like extends it he like crack like let's get to lead

the purpose of that device for da Vinci to make gold

he wants to make gold yeah alchemy by the way if you guys are guessing this movie is about alchemy

okay but cut to present day What were they using it for exactly?

No, alchemy.

No, it's the same thing.

They want to turn lead into gold.

Wait, the Richard E.

Grant and Sandra Byrne?

Yeah.

Yeah, they wanted to turn lead into gold so that they could world domination.

Yeah, world domination.

Just control currency.

That's exactly.

It wasn't even, that's what I loved.

It wasn't even like, then we'll have a lot of gold.

We have to sell it.

I wasn't understood.

Yeah, it was like, no.

Then control currency and

like to start sort of mass chaos.

Yeah, yeah.

That was a good idea.

Well, I'm assuming,

yeah, I guess so.

I mean, maybe having that much gold would,

get it.

First of all, their plan is a terrible plan, and I don't think even anyone knows what their plan is.

I will say that Sandra Bernhard and Richard E.

Grant, who are the villains in this movie, don't know a lot about gold and lead, or either the scriptwriter didn't either, because

there's a scene where they put a piece of gold and a piece of lead in Bruce Willis's hand.

Yeah.

And they go, you need to tell us the difference.

They're exactly the same.

How would you tell the difference?

They're not the same.

The gold bar that they had would weigh around 30 pounds, and the piece of lead would be about one pound.

So that would be the amazing.

That's how strong Bruce Willis is.

And it doesn't mean anything to him.

Gold is 70% denser than lead.

And they also say there's only one molecule of difference between gold and lead.

That is also not true.

That's three protons and seven neutrons difference.

So

even the research on this movie is

bare bones, bad.

That's easy.

The difference between gold and lead.

I've seen in the past the Da Vinci opening scene where you walk through Da Vinci's lab and they've got the gold machine spinning.

And Da Vinci's working on everything that he's done simultaneously.

The Mona Lisa is almost done.

Wait a second.

Okay, hang on.

We all saw that the Mona Lisa's bad teeth were also in that police officer in the present day, right?

It was.

No, I did not.

I did not.

Okay, so, okay, so in the...

I thought they have a thing about bad teeth.

That's funny.

Because they did it twice within the first five minutes.

But never again.

Never again.

Anyway, okay, so I wanted to mention that, but they're in the past.

But finally we know why.

I mean, that's a funny joke.

Oh, it's finally.

We know why Mona Lisa is not smiling.

I'm assuming Willis was like, hey, we still got those fucking Mona Lisa teeth are on.

Throw them in this guy's mouth.

This is going to be hilarious.

Anyway, so in the past, they've got the gold machine spinning and the thing

zaps the whatever.

And then they crack open the thing and everybody's like, ooh, and everybody's speaking Italian.

Everybody's speaking non-subtitled Italian.

And somebody goes, oh,

gold.

And I was like, that's

no way that somebody in the fucking 1300s goes, oh, gold.

Like, it made me so mad.

Today's podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

Whether you're starting out or scaling up your business, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

I am a giant fan of Squarespace.

I use it for many different websites, Unspooled, how did this get made?

Dark Web and My Own, each one completely different.

And why do I love it so much?

Well, because Squarespace gives you everything you need for your specific product.

Every one of these websites is completely different.

And right now, they offer services that help you get paid.

That's right.

Get paid on time with professional on-brand invoices and online payments.

Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools every dream needs a domain Squarespace domains makes it easy to find the best name for your business at one fair all-inclusive price no hidden fees or add-ons required head to squarespace.com slash bonkers for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code bonkers to save 10% on your first purchase of a website or domain as a small business owner Your business is always on your mind.

So when you're hiring, you need a partner who is just as dedicated as you.

And that hiring partner is LinkedIn Jobs.

That's right.

When you clock out, LinkedIn clocks in.

They make it easy for you to post your job for free, share it with your network, and get qualified candidates.

that you can manage all in one place.

And LinkedIn's new feature can help you write job descriptions, then quickly get your job in front of the right people with deep candidate insights.

You can post your job for free or choose to promote it.

Promoted jobs attract three times more qualified applicants, so post your job for free at linkedin.com slash valuable.

That's linkedin.com slash valuable to post your job for free.

Terms and conditions apply.

Start speaking a new language with confidence, thanks to Babel's conversation-based learning technique that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk about in the real world.

There are over a dozen languages available to learn at your own pace, and you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level, interest, and time availability.

I have been learning Spanish with Babel and I absolutely love it.

I love it because of the games, right?

It makes it more exciting for me to just jump right in, whether it's sentence building or maybe this.

little learning about the culture that just brings the language home.

It's like learning from a living, breathing organism.

You know, you're engaging, you're interactive.

It is so much fun.

You will love it.

Learn another language.

Babel is gifting our listeners 55% off subscriptions at babble.com slash bonkers.

Get up to 55% off at babble.com slash bonkers.

Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash bonkers.

Babble.com slash bonkers.

Rules and restrictions apply.

The opening scene is just to basically set up the final scene, which is like, oh, and this room has everything that you'll need for our characters to play with, including a flying machine, which comes in very

excited about seeing that scene.

I've forgotten all about it.

Yeah, yeah.

I was like, I can't wait for this to come.

And when he spots it, I was like, oh,

this is going to be it.

I saw this movie on a date in high school.

Wow.

And that was the only part of the movie I remembered.

The fucking movie.

Was them flying out of the exploding building.

That is amazing.

And I remembered hating it.

How did that date go?

Was the date good?

Not very well.

No, no, actually, the date went totally fine.

The date went fine.

But it was like we both were like, fuck this movie.

This is one of my mom's favorite movies.

Yeah, you were saying that.

No.

My mom has great taste in movies and also very bad taste.

So she'll watch a lot of like really interesting indie movies.

Like, have you seen The Flower of Dr.

Nobody?

And I'm like, no, I haven't seen that one yet.

And she's like, oh, it's amazing.

No, not yet.

Oh, dude.

I know.

I know it's playing at the whatever.

But she also loves this movie and also Saving Silverman, which is a fine movie.

Those are two of her favorite movies.

Why?

I cannot, I cannot get an answer.

Does she love Bruce Willis?

I mean, she loves moonlighting.

We used to watch her.

Okay, moonlighting amazing.

Yeah, I love it.

Oh, I love it.

I love moonlighting.

I loved it.

By the way, I was just to sidetrack on a tangent here.

Like, how I met your mother this week.

Again, we have a little rivalry with how I met your mother.

You know what?

You know what?

Fuck those guys.

How I met your mother this week, we're like, they did a rhyming episode, and they're like, it's never been done before.

And I was like, no, Moonlighting did it.

They did the iambic magnetic,

the taming of the shrew episode.

Yeah, so I just wanted to break that down.

So, guess what, how I met your mother?

You guys fucked up again.

The feud continues.

me you know the deal meet us in the parking lot i want to watch this i don't want to watch h-y-i-m meets hdg if whatever

um i'm just realizing too like when they are when they do that first robbery and they're so casual about it and taking so much time he hasn't He hasn't done a heist like this in a decade.

Many years.

Yeah.

At least 10 years.

We haven't played Nintendo.

He's not even played Nintendo.

Let's get into the Nintendo.

The video game runner of this movie is insane because he's also a young guy.

Like you imagine that Bruce Willis did this movie at like 32, 33.

Yeah.

I mean, it was in

1991.

So I feel like that's, you know, I don't know.

I'm not going to do the math of that.

All right.

What had, wait, weird is actually, I did.

Right out of the Die Hard 2.

Thank you.

So

he, like, you know, so he's still a young man, but he plays up that he's been in jail for such a long time.

Centuries.

Centuries.

Centuries.

Like 10 years on this.

And he goes, I don't even know what Nintendo is.

And Nintendo comes in.

Mario Brothers comes in.

Well, that was a Hudson Hawk video game.

That's exactly what I found out today.

It was a really terrible Hudson Hawk video game, but they pushed it a lot.

It was for Nintendo, right?

Yes, it was for Nintendo.

Yeah.

That's what the movie was out.

Yeah, to go along with the movie.

It was going to be this huge thing.

That's why you're here.

That's why you're here because we knew.

We had a few movies that have been in the middle of the video.

About video games high-ends.

It was released for the Commodore 64, Amiga, ZX Spectrum, and Atari, as well as the NES and Game Boy.

And it's like,

by the way, what kid is going like, I love the movie.

I want to play the game.

I want to...

And what is it?

Wait, in the game, do you make things

according to like, let me rob, rob, rob Vatican?

According here, you play as Hawk, and you must steal the Storza and the Codex from the auction house and the Vatican, respectively.

Then Castle Da Vinci has to be infiltrated in order to steal the mirrored crystal that needs to power the gold machine.

On his journey, Hawk must face many oddball adversaries, including dachshunds that try to throw him off the roof of the auction house, janitors, photographers, killer nuns, and a tennis player, presumably Darwin Mayflower.

That is the really weird thing about this movie.

Like, none of the theft is done with any grace or intelligence or strategy.

No, like, versus like Ocean's 11,

where half of the movie is planning.

By the way, it's so sad.

Wow.

Amazing to watch.

I love it.

This is like

he wakes up in the suitcase, day of, and they give him one tour of the Vatican.

Yeah.

And they're like, oh, and you're robbing it tonight.

And they're not a statistic, the people serve.

And there's no, yeah, there's no tracking.

And his list of things he needs are like olive oil, a bunch of stamps.

Wait, what did he do with the stamps?

Oh, he mailed himself into the Vatican.

Remember, he was in that big box.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the way, I want to, this is, again, to me.

The second time he got mailed.

I love mailing himself.

I like his fucking mood.

He liked it.

He liked it.

I do want to bring up one of the things, again, why I couldn't figure out how long he's been in jail.

He doesn't know what Nintendo is.

I buy that.

He hadn't seen E.T.

That's it.

Yeah.

Never saw E.T.

Because E.T.

is what, 82?

Oh, or maybe.

All right.

So E.T.

came out in 82.

Yes.

That works.

Yeah.

That works for me.

Yeah, for 10 years, for a 10-year stint.

Yeah.

All right.

There it is.

I mean, if he's so great at doing this, if why didn't he break out of jail?

If that's number one, Andy, McDowell is a nun.

Oh.

That happens in the...

She is the romantic lead in the movie.

She keeps flirting and going after him three-quarters of the way through the movie.

It is revealed by virtue of a wardrobe change yeah by putting her in a nun's habit that she is a nun are they allowed to dress sexy on their off time well that means she's an under she's also undercover she's an undercover nun she's undercover guys

and make the poster make the poster

covercover by the way that is a movie that is a movie

undercover Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God.

By the way, that should be.

Oh my god, I almost want us to cut this out of the podcast so we.

I need to register this before

Nundercover.

Oh, God.

I need to leave right now.

I have to start writing.

Hey, can I?

She'll be in the habit of busting all the crimes.

Oh, yeah.

I like it.

That's okay.

Wow, wow.

That was really shot.

Busting crimes is her habit.

Oh, I like that.

I mean, you just took my idea and moved it around a little bit.

You know what?

I did that, I guess.

You know what?

You know what?

You can control the video game.

Nundercover the video game.

That'll be a really sexy one.

By the way,

that

is.

Wow.

You know what?

Those kind of moments, they don't come along all the time.

You have to really respect it.

By the way, I feel

I'm not a lawyer.

You're great.

I'm not a lawyer.

You're not a lawyer?

I'm not a lawyer.

Oh, okay.

But if anyone writes that, I think we can see you.

We have the basis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you write that, you're your lawyer.

Timestamp.

It's been timestamped.

Okay.

She's a nun.

She's a nun who communicates through a talking light-up Jesus.

That thing scares her.

Jesus Christ of me.

That really frightened me.

That was really weird.

It was uncomfortable to look at.

Well, there's four organizations of secret people in this.

That's what's so confusing.

And I know I did just get a flu shot today, so I watched it.

I was a little out of it.

Well, I was very...

I also got the same flu shot, and it did not temper my brain power.

This is not it.

I'm just very confused about who was CIA.

Well, there's CIA, there's Vatican CIA,

then there's the other bad guys, but then

the Mayflowers.

So I guess that's just three, three.

Well, then the problem, the problem really was that they at various times

were teaming up and were double crossing each other.

Against each other, yeah.

So that was what was confusing to me.

Like Kit Kat was double crossing.

Who?

Kit Katie.

No, the Mayflowers killed him.

Yeah, right, because he was.

Dani Aiella was double crossing, but then he was like, no, no, I knew that, but I thought Kit Kat was...

Kit Kat himself?

These are words we're saying out loud.

I thought Kit Kat was.

I thought Kit Kat was, they found out that he was double-crossing the Mayflowers.

The Mayflowers found that out.

No, the Mayflowers just decided to kill the CIA team.

They also shot the Butterfinger.

Oh, boy, what am I talking about here?

They're almond children.

Snickers, they killed Sneakers.

You know, like they decided, and then they say, why are you killing them?

And she says, we're greedy or something to that effect.

She basically says, we want it all for ourselves.

Okay.

Don't try to make sense of the plot because I don't think that they even did that service.

And Kit Kat, his dying words written on a note were, I always liked you.

Shown to Andy McDowell.

He was dared, so I guess he knew he was going to be.

He was dressed as a statue.

Well, here's.

He was dressed as a statue.

That's not the way to go.

You don't want to show up dressed as a statue.

What the fuck was that?

I once heard Bruce Willis in an interview say the reason why people like Die Hard is because of the New Jersey comedy.

What?

What?

Yes, he said the reason why people connect to that movie is because they like seeing a guy from New Jersey cracking wise.

Oh, this is what happened.

This is why we got this movie.

And this is why we got a movie where, like, literally, a guy gets his head cut off, and the line that Bruce Willis says,

I know it, I know it.

I guess we won't see him at the hat convention in July.

Yeah, guess we won't see that guy attending the hat convention in July.

Like, and it's like, well, that's.

It makes me think there is a real hat convention in New York.

By the way, it would not surprise me if Bruce Willis was a guy who goes to hat conventions.

But by the way, come on.

This is a guy losing his head.

There's a million jokes.

Like, oh, I guess he lost his head.

There's also one where he says,

How's my driving 1-800?

That's the line I was just trying to look at.

That one.

He says, wait a second.

He says that line.

Bruce Willis is like,

right after a car pulls up next to him, Bruce Willis.

This is where I've been relying on this.

Bruce Willis has fallen out of, he's in an ambulance, connected over the body.

He's on a gurney on wheels, connected by a bed sheet to the ambulance, going over the bridge, maybe the bridge, the Varanzano bridge or like a big New York bridge anyway

and he's careening all over the place and a convertible pulls up next to him and some pretty girls go hey mister are you gonna die

like that's what they say like so like ha ha ha and this is crazy crazy this is hiding from a yeah from

this is you are going to watch someone die and then he

then he says you're the line you just said how am i driving 1-800 i'm gonna die yeah and then also and then he goes to a toll booth and pulls that exact change.

The exact change, the cigarette that a woman tosses out of her window

catches and says, Oh, look, menthol?

Yep.

Yes.

Great joke.

Are you kidding me?

This is my favorite scene.

And that is my favorite scene.

And then there's all these, like, I guess, like, to me, it's like, all right, I buy that scene because that scene at least felt like it was totally

appropriate.

And but the rest of the movie doesn't go that way.

But then you have these moments where it's like, you pass by some security guards and he's like, hey, can you believe it?

There's so many wongs in the phone book.

And he goes, oh, so many wong numbers.

And then he goes, look up Chin.

That's it.

These are like jokes that people make at a cigar club.

And they're going to be like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's funny.

That's funny.

Like, and it's like, oh, yeah.

When they're eating pasta in Italy, they put it in a thermos.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here's a joke.

Here's a joke that I wasn't clear on what was the point of this.

When James Coburn, who's the bad guy's CIA agent,

he's all mad and he goes,

he said something.

I can't remember what he says, but then he goes, we blow up space shuttles for breakfast.

I was like, whoa, man.

I'm going to use that one.

Hey, man, that looked cool.

That was too, that was too soon.

Too soon, bro.

Like, what are you talking about?

So, wait, you guys blew up the space shuttle?

Yeah.

That's true.

That's only been at that point a couple of years.

That's I'm looking for McCullough.

That was in 1986.

So that was like only five years, five or six years older.

Guys, too soon.

For this movie.

Not cool.

Not cool, guys.

Although I do like that line.

It's a good line.

I did think that was a bold one.

I mentioned in the opening, Bruce Wilson does have five earrings.

Oh, yeah.

Like a pirate, which was a very interesting choice.

I thought that the...

He can't get a cup of coffee to save his life.

That is a real running gag.

All he wants is a cappuccino.

So, again, making the character super accessible.

He's

a safe cracker with a heart of gold who only wants a cappuccino, but he gets pulled into an elaborate alchemy plot.

And

things.

Sorry.

Please, go ahead.

Sorry.

Please continue.

You know, I was looking at my notes and I just saw something.

I want to talk about the relationship between him and Andy McDowell.

Two scenes in particular.

One,

Andy McDowell's genuine amusement at this guy.

Like, he flies off of a building, lands in a chair.

Again, I buy the Looney Tunes aspect of that.

coughs out feathers like full-on like

he's a clown like he's a clown and Andy McDowell sits there like charmed charmed and charmed and they're there for like all of a guy comes up and he goes what do you want and he goes sir I'm the waiter.

And he goes, okay, I guess you are.

And oh, they order and he wants ketchup for his pasta.

Well, that's the other thing, too.

There's a thing about like Italian food being bad.

Like, it's like, I want ketchup for, like, no, no, no, you're in Italy and you're Italian and you're from New Jersey.

Like, this should

be

wonderful for you.

And you've been in jail for 10 years.

And you want a cappuccino.

You have a refined taste.

You don't want ketchup.

Also, ketchup.

Yeah.

And a cappuccino.

You can't want both

things.

Yeah, and then cut to kick, or not kick up, but Butterfinger, the big doofy guy who's like

big burger give me his i say the one joke i really laughed at with butterfingers was when he was in the back of the car they're i think they're not sleeping out at the restaurant but someplace and he's he's saying something and the he go the guy in front of him goes here just read a book read your book read your book and then he starts reading a children's book he starts reading green eggs and ham yeah

he starts reading green eggs and ham and they go

they go to yourself

He's like, I felt bad for him.

Yeah, I felt bad for him.

Yeah, he was a real dummy.

He was a real dummy.

Just

for the fans of the show, I think this is interesting to mention that the screenplay was how did this get made all-star mashup?

It was written by Stephen D'Souza, who wrote Street Fighter.

Amazing.

And Judge Dredd.

And also co-written by Daniel Waters, who wrote Demolition Man and Batman Returns.

Oh, my God.

So these guys were...

Heavy hitters.

Yeah, really heavy hitters.

Did anyone else notice that at the Vatican in the postal subway, there was was a cross that had been packaged and was just behind them at one point when Andy McDowell is walking through the subway?

No.

There's a giant, like, like a crucifix that's just in brown, like, UPS packaging.

So weird.

How else are you going to move them?

I mean, I guess.

How else do you move across?

I guess now that we know that Andy McDowell is a nun, I can answer this question.

But Andy McDowell gives him a shirtless.

A back rub, a shirtless massage.

Yeah.

And he's, and, like, he goes to kissing.

I thought this was post-coital.

I thought that had the backlog.

And they were in bed because

I guess just shirtless.

And she's rubbing his back and asking about his tattoos, blah, blah, blah.

And she is wearing all of her clothes.

I remember that.

And I was like, are they done?

What is this?

And they go to Kiss and she goes, I can't do this.

Wait, wait, wait.

But you can give a guy a shirtless.

I mean, it was very sexual.

But now we know why.

What I'm confused about is what exactly her plan was.

Like, what was she trying to do?

She was seducing him.

She already knew what he was going to do.

She wanted to stop him from stealing the codex because they need to protect the total.

Did she ever really try to do that?

Well, no, I mean, she was trying to get close to him to figure out his plan, but then she realized he was just being used.

He's a nice guy.

Because the Vatican thought he was the threat.

Right, but he was being forced to do this or he'd go back to jail.

Or they'd kill his

Danny Aiello, etc.

It was actually supposed to be Isabella Rossolini in that role, but

that was something I read.

And Annie McDowell.

Oh, yes, because she's like a southern girl.

Like, Annie McDowell is like not an Italian.

She's a good one.

She was actually the third choice.

It was Isabella Rossolini who was originally cast, and then they recast Marusha Detmers, but then she had to leave because she had back problems.

And then they brought in Annie McDowell.

Now, I will bring up this one disturbing moment.

I don't know if any of you caught it, but the Butterfinger, the big, messy that guy, goes, I know Italian,

what you're talking about.

There's a moment where they're like spying on them, and they're trying to come up with what their plan is.

And he writes, should we rape them?

He says, okay, roughly that.

Why do we have to do this in movies?

He says it out.

Early 90s, why do we have to do this?

Can I ask you, this is right then.

This is when they then say, read your book.

Yes.

It's the same scene.

It's right, it's the same scene.

It's the same scene.

Now, okay.

I really struggled with this because I was like, did he

say a second ago?

Did he really just say, should I rape her?

Yes.

No, them.

Them.

He did say them.

Them.

So that's helpful.

That makes me feel better.

That he would do that.

Yeah, he's a maha.

He's a monster.

He will rape anybody.

Yes, he will rape anybody.

I'm willing to bet he's saying something else, but that we heard.

Is it possible?

Oh, that it got dubbed?

That he's saying, like, yeah.

What else could he have said that that's the better version?

I don't know.

No, because I know he definitely can't make

trails out of that.

I'll tell you what it was.

It was just a heightening.

Like, this guy is a complete animal.

Even though he's reading a children's book.

And was I think that's the same thing.

And so, like, the idea being like,

our next move here strategically might be just me raping them.

Because for what purpose?

By the way,

this is a question he asks a lot.

So everything at the end of the day.

Every mission.

Most of us don't think twice about liver health until something feels off.

When your liver is under strain, you feel it.

Fatigue, brain fog, sluggish recovery after a weekend of one too many cocktails or indulgent meals.

Well, if you're ready to say goodbye to an occasional bloating and hello to renewed energy, you need to know about the 1MD's nutrition's Liver MD.

Liver MD is an award-winning physician-formulated supplement developed by a GI doctor.

It features seven clinically studied ingredients, including patented forms of milk thistle and vitamin E.

And the results speak for themselves.

80% of Liver MD users reported significant improvements in liver enzyme tests, along with better energy, digestion, mental clarity, and reduced bloating.

Plus, 90% of users rate liver MD better than the competitors.

Join the over 1.5 million people already thriving with Liver MD.

Forget ineffective detox drinks.

Your liver needs clinical grade support.

Visit 1MD.org and use the code bonkers to save 15% on your first order of Liver MD.

That's 1MD.org and use code BONKERS.

These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and and Drug Administration.

This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.

While you're out buying new school supplies and trying to plan a new schedule this season, the last thing that you want to do is factor in a giant wireless bill.

And with Mint Mobile, you can get coverage and speed that you're used to for way less money.

That's why, for a limited time, Mint Mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month.

Now, I've told you in the past, our producer, Scott, he switched to Mint Mobile, and he wanted me to tell all of you that his sell service is just as good as his old provider.

But here's the thing: it costs $40 less per month.

And since his baby is too young for school supplies, he's going to use that extra cold cash to buy lots and lots of stupid Halloween decorations because there's nothing better than a baby in a ghost costume.

Now, look, you can get this new customer offer and your three-month unlimited wireless plan for $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash hdtgm that's mintmobile.com slash hdtgm upfront payment of forty dollars required equivalent to fifteen dollars a month limited time new customer offer for the first three months only speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan taxes and fees extra see mint mobile for details Cooler temps are rolling in, and as always, Quince is where you should be turning for your fall staples that actually last.

I love Quince.

From their cashmere to their denim to their boots, the quality holds up and the prices will blow you away.

Quince has the kind of fall staples that you'll wear non-stop, like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $60.

Their denim is durable and it fits right, and their real leather jackets bring that clean, classic edge.

Now, what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen, so you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship for half the price of similar brands.

I love Quince.

They got these cool stretchy pants that I love.

I call them my travel pants, but I also love the simple button down.

Guys, you can't go wrong in a nice, well-fitted, good-looking button-down and not one that you've had hanging up in your closet for six years.

Quince allows you to refresh your wardrobe, get new stuff, nice stuff, look presentable once in a while, okay?

Keep it classic and cozy this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash bonkers for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash bonkers for free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash bonkers.

All right,

let's get into

our villains because Richard E.

Grant and Sandra Bullard, sorry, not Bullock, Sandra Bernard.

Really swinging for the fences.

Yeah, let's play a clip of them.

You can get a sense of what their performances are like.

This isn't a fantasy.

It is a reality.

Oh yes.

If Da Vinci was alive today, he'd be eating microwave sushi naked in the back of a Cadillac with the both of us.

So that's a little sense of what they are.

Bombastic, crazy characters playing tennis indoors.

That's how you show people are crazy.

And I don't again know exactly what their plan is, but to control the world.

World domination, he says.

World domination.

Richard E.

Grant did write in his book, With Nails, that this movie was just replotted during the actual days of filming.

Wow.

Really?

Yes.

That's cool.

Yes.

So, I mean, any thoughts on these people?

I like their dog.

I enjoyed their daughter.

I enjoyed their performances.

I really enjoyed Sandra Burrows.

Amazing.

She's so good.

Both of them.

I couldn't take my eyes off her.

Both of them I thought were terrific.

Like, they were just

scenery.

I feel like they were also on tone.

Like, they were like, okay, this is what it is.

It's as if in

Dan Aykroyd terrible movie,

nothing but trouble, the Brazilians were the villains of the movie.

Like, that's what it's like.

Remember the Brazilians?

Yes.

The brother and sister.

Like, they were those type, like, they were just like incredibly bombastic characters.

Weirdly sexual.

Weirdly sexual, like, like, really weirdos.

And I enjoyed it.

I thought that they are the same.

What I didn't enjoy was that dog.

The dog was, I didn't like the dog rooting around and Bruce Willis's crotch.

I was like, come on, do we really.

And then the fact that they threw the dog out the window at the end.

Well, the dog was trying to attack Andy McDowell.

What are you going to do?

Yeah, they then,

you know, the dog had it coming, to be honest.

The dog was evil.

At the end, you could tell the dog, like, wanted.

The dog seemed actually more evil than either of its owners.

Well, that's what I was going to say.

Did anybody else think that the dog was the boss of them?

Yes.

Like, they were just probably doing the dog's bidding.

They are like the son of Sam?

I love that first time you see Sam.

Like he was the big evil.

Yeah, he's the big guy that she's just singing i've got the power uh oh yeah yeah like that was good sitting i love on a conference table we could have watched what was what was that a conference table of because there was a small indian boy a lot of ethnicities part of yes a lot of ethnicities happening like were they like the bad was this the like the legal the legion of doom or something like that were they all bad guys i would they were all like

they were working for a company like their company was at m corporation or whatever yeah but that's like one of them was a child one of the people at that table was a child You don't get it, Jason.

You don't get the comedy of this film.

It's not like some Temple of Doom stuff.

You know, one of the Maharaja guy.

Yeah.

I think you need to hear Bruce Willis explain why you don't get the jokes here.

Can you play that clip of Bruce Willis talking about this movie?

Oh, geez.

There's a half-an-hour interview about Bruce Willis defending this movie on YouTube in three parts.

You just Bruce Willis talks Huts and Hawk.

You'll find it.

Here we go.

Here's a clip.

You know, looking at how it kind of became this cult film

and what people, you know, come up and say to me on the street about it is

take your time, Bruce.

They, you know, dig the fact that it was making fun of itself and that it was satire.

And I don't think anybody got that when it came out.

They didn't know what to make of it.

You know, me and

Danny Ayello singing in a movie was just unheard of.

And they were, you know, is that satire?

Is that considered satire?

They were mad that we were trying to make them laugh.

He's telling me what's sewing this.

He's rewriting history.

This is riveting.

It's amazing.

The interview itself is amazing.

But

blaming people for not getting satire, but then daring him to say that satire is

him and Danny Aiella's singing.

That's not satire.

I don't understand.

He made this earnestly.

He didn't make this.

Oh, no.

He thought this was going to be fucking.

Indiana Jones.

He thought this was going to be like...

His James Bond or his man Flint or Austin Powell.

I I think he was like, this is gonna be diehard plus.

Yeah.

You know, it's gonna be the action and the adventure of diehard, but with better jokes,

more like

so slaps today.

Just by the way, just if you're wondering what the definition of satire is, I'll tell you that

the use of humor to ridicule, expose, or criticize people's stupidity of vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics.

I've actually never heard that definition.

So that, I mean, you know, so I don't know if that this movie falls into that, the alchemy.

He really took down the alchemy committee.

But

the movie's original catchphrase was, catch the excitement, catch the adventure, catch the hawk.

But when they realized it wasn't really an action movie, they changed it for the home video release, which was catch the excitement, catch the laughter, catch the hawk.

That's very telling.

That's, yeah.

They knew.

They were like, we got to figure out some other way to package this thing.

This is not working out.

Bruce Willis does not,

Bruce Willis gets so defensive on this movie when you hear he goes, people criticize this movie.

I have so much money.

I could just sit by a lake and skip stones.

What do I care?

That is a response.

It's funny to me.

His response is like, no, no, we tried something.

He's like, fuck you.

I don't need it.

I don't need you to like anything.

I'm rich.

I did this for me.

I didn't even do this for you.

I'm rich as shit.

Which he is.

I was actually, I was looking at his IMDb.

That man has been working forever.

Oh, he has so much money.

He has so much money.

I also, I do think probably this falls into the category that we are now, like, I hate to say it again, but toysing.

I'll bring up toys again.

I believe this to be a project that because of his power, box office power, Bruce Willis was able to get this movie made.

Oh, yeah.

You know, this was a passion project for Bruce Willis.

Not like they didn't, he wrote this movie.

It is built for him.

With a budget of $70 million in 1991,

it brought in a total of $17 million.

Which is a, I mean, that's some money.

It didn't, oh, I guess it did.

I mean, it definitely bombed.

I mean, that's a, like, this is one of those movies that is a bomb that you forget about.

Like, people talk about Ishtar,

but they don't talk about Hudson Hawk.

I mean, and I was excited.

I remember seeing this and knowing that Bruce Wilson is in a movie.

I was like, oh, it's going to be great.

It's going to be like, it looked awesome.

You know, this was an era when, like, between like Die Hard and Indiana Jones, but also, like, a time when, like, Romancing the Stone was a big movie to me.

Yeah, and that movie is amazing.

Like, a real adventure.

romance.

And this had that, like, that's why I went to a date.

You know, I went to a date to this because it looked like it was going to to be awesome the way Romancing the Stone was.

And instead, it was worse than Romancing the Stone 2.

Jewel of the Nile.

I like Jewel of the Nile.

We haven't even talked about Andy McDowell's dolphin.

I was just going to say that.

The dolphin sounds were amazing.

I don't, and I remember looking away for a minute and then looking back at the movie and going, wait, what is she?

What is she doing?

She was doing voices.

She was doing shtick.

She was like, she was like, they were like, they double-crossed her or whatever.

And then she was like, I'm not a, you think I'm a damsel in distress.

And And then she goes, you know,

I can't pay the rent.

You must pay the rent.

I can't pay the rent.

Eh, eh, eh, eh.

And like started doing like dolphins.

Was she trying to intimidate them?

She was just trying to show them that she wasn't scared of them, I think, was the bit.

But no, but she could do bits.

No, no, no.

She was under some sort of drug, right?

But the drug wasn't.

That's what they were saying, that she must still be like coming off of the

paralyzing drug.

Yeah, but that wasn't a...

It was not a side effect of the drug because Bruce Willis and Danny Aieo were...

They were being just as silly as they always are.

Well, they're guys from New Jersey.

Just a couple of pies out.

Why don't you wait to see Andy McDowell do those dolphin noises?

I mean, I didn't know what to do.

So you were won over by that performance, the dolphin noises.

I didn't know she had that in her.

Let me ask you a question.

Isabella Rossolini, could she have done those dolphin noises?

That's a great question.

That's a great question.

She would have sold it a bit more.

Yeah, maybe.

I mean, like Blue Velvet Era Isabella Rossolini.

By the way, I know we already talked about it, but I'm going to say it again.

She plays an Italian nun.

Italian nun.

That's crazy.

I didn't even really put that all together.

But she's American.

She's American.

She's playing Italian.

She's not.

Yeah, she's American.

But she should be.

I'm sure he is.

I'm sure he's right.

Yes, she should be Italian.

I'm sure if Isabella Russolini had played it, she would have been Italian.

Yeah, that would have made sense.

We want to talk about Frank Stallone, who is part of the Mario Brothers.

The Mario Brothers, amazing

Frank Stallone, give it up for Frank Stallone.

Some

electroglass.

This is like like when they play the old Howard Stern tapes and everybody's clapping for no good reason.

I like a good clap.

They make some subtle digs at Stallone, too.

Fly Stallone.

We have a clip of that.

We just play a clip of Frank Stallone.

There's a quick one here.

There's a safe on the seventh floor.

You take their thingy and you put it in this thingy.

Directions even your brother could understand.

Oh,

fly.

Little did he know that they'd be opening a planet Hollywood just months later.

Oh, wait, but he's talking with the brother that's sitting right next to it.

But we all know what's interesting.

By the way, the beginning of the movie, like he's going to eat a drink of cappuccino, and a guy pulls out a gun in the middle of a crowded restaurant, shoots a cappuccino glass.

No one knows what it is.

No one moves.

And he's out there with a gun.

Not hidden.

The

gun has a silencer.

Yes.

So it's like,

you know, but like every, it's a crowded bar and nobody flinches.

Nobody seems to notice.

And then Danny Aiello hits a guy on the head with a wine bottle.

A few minutes later, it shatters and two people look over.

Yeah.

This is where this is.

is.

It's a weird bar though.

You know what fucked this movie?

Obviously we had an opinion about this movie but there are certain people who have a better opinion.

Now it's time for five-star reviews from Amazon.

These are five-star reviews.

You guys can comment on these as you see fit.

Here we go.

This is titled for a true movie fan.

I've probably watched this movie around a hundred times and I can practically

a hundred times.

Is there an

apostrophe before round?

Yes.

Okay.

I think my mom wrote this review.

Around a hundred times and can practically quote it from start to finish.

I certainly wouldn't have done that if this movie was bad.

Oh my gosh.

Five stars.

Oh my gosh.

So basically.

Anyway, I do agree with you, Jason, though.

Like the apostrophe.

What's the point?

It's one letter.

One letter.

One

taking the place of that apostrophe.

There is the same number of characters in that word.

Yeah.

Yes.

Here's another one.

Boom.

And the colloquialism of it.

That's not the

casualness of it.

Yes.

It doesn't matter.

That word doesn't matter.

And I know I'm sure I used colloquialism wrong.

So everybody shut the fuck up.

Everybody relaxed.

You're going to get.

Stop saying I look like Da Vinci.

This one is titled Boom, Side by Side.

Boom.

You'll be rolling on the floor laughing, but be careful and not die laughing too hard.

Okay.

Did Danny ILO write that?

I think he was a little bit more than that.

That was a five-star review.

I have had some experiences with side-by-sides.

I just want to say that.

Bruce is a riot.

I'm worried about it.

This is what I get.

A lot of the Hudson Hawk reviews attack critics for being bad.

So this one goes, I think movie reviewers underappreciate a good comedy.

Most are stuffy, overweight, undereducated, film-study dorks.

Uh-oh.

I agree with that.

I agree with the first sentence of that for sure.

Yeah, they don't appreciate comedy.

Who are these critics?

Who cares?

These are the same critics that think that Gandhi is one of the best things to happen to film, which just goes to show you what they know.

This movie is about fun and entertainment and not meant to be scrutinized, analyzed, or otherwise eyesed.

Watch and enjoy five stars.

Oh.

I love that guy.

And this is my favorite review of all time by Yellow Defender.

I thought the storyline was great it was a little boring but it kept me on my toes my favorite parts were when the dog bunny goes flying out the window and when bruce gets out of jail and throws the key into the mop thing and he adjusts his hat

he had me and he had me try cappuccino too and it's pretty good i think this is one of bruce's best movies even if he doesn't think so So he turned around to cappuccino.

Is that huge?

One of his favorite parts was the movie, the hat?

When he adjusted his head, this is like also like, again, another like non-joke joke.

Like, Bruce Willis steals a guy's keys and then tosses his keys in a dirty mop bucket.

He's like, hey.

Just like Justice the hat.

It's a non-moment.

It's a non-moment moment, but it's like, but it's also like, he's so cool.

Hudson Hawkins.

That's what I think this guy was responding to.

Like,

he does it to his hat.

He drinks cappuccinos.

He throws dogs out of a window.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's like the, I think, yeah, he definitely appeals to like the.

I want to hang out and have a beer with that guy.

You know?

Which he does that in his other movies that are better, also.

Oh, yeah, this movie is terrible.

He's great in a million movies.

Die Hard, are you kidding me?

We think that Danny Aiello has died in this movie, only to realize that he is come back, and we want to just play the Denny Danny Aiello's comeback moment.

Here we go.

Perfect.

Can you fucking believe it?

You're supposed to be blown up in Defari Chunk of Fresh.

Strinkler system set up in the back.

Can you fucking believe it?

Hey,

drink your coffee.

He gets his cappuccino.

Oh, thank God.

And a moment before he gets his girl to play Nintendo with him, she agrees to play Nintendo with him.

They play the Hudson Hot game.

Danny Aiello pulls up to that scene riding a donkey.

Yes, I just want to say he is on the he is just riding the donkey into town because they have also just flown in Da Vinci's original flying machine, which still works and was not updated at all.

What?

Yeah.

I love that scene of them, the two of them like just having a blast.

I like to think of that day of filming that they were like,

all right, just get on my back.

We're going to go ahead and get fun.

But that's the one thing I do feel like the two of them were like,

but there's a scene in the movie where they just both grab their balls when they hear an exposure.

Oh!

it's like, I feel like they're like, yeah, we'll do this and this is good.

It's like,

or how about like when they're hanging off the side of a castle?

They say they've somehow,

he and Danny Aiello have scaled a castle.

They are hanging off the edge.

They're luring the guards to come so they can punch them out.

And Bruce Willis goes, hey, how do I look?

And he goes, what are we going to do there with this right now?

No, I just want to know.

How do I look?

What are you talking about?

We're hanging off the edge of a castle.

You're asking me.

How do I look?

And then the guards come up in and they're like, punch, punch.

You look pretty good.

You look pretty good.

That's the kind of bullshit this movie is full of.

It's like if the guys who hung around Tony Soprano wrote a movie, that is what your first movie is.

Yeah, this is.

This is Christopher.

If you told me Christopher Motasanto, Motasante wrote this movie, I would be like, okay, I get it, and it's not that bad.

I mean, then also, they make a lot about the one thing I want to say just before we wrap up, too, and if you have any final points, but they make a big deal about Danny Aiella being fat.

I'm going to say that too.

He's not that fat.

He's not fat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, here's the thing.

Bruce Willis, his figure is also not the slender figure of like a thief or a cat burglar.

That's true.

He's graceful or not.

Just for the listeners, June is doing cat-like motions with her hands.

Like a beating burger.

I'm going to rob you.

Meow.

Guess what?

You consider yourself robbed.

You'd be a great cat burglar.

Would you like to be in undercover as a cat burglar that robs like

that?

I'm going to need to see you in the habit.

I'm going to need to see you in the habit.

No, no, no.

She's the burglar.

She's the enemy.

Oh, she's got a cat burglar.

Oh, no, but the nun has to go undercover.

As a cat burglar.

As a cat burglar, like that.

Or is it a cat burglar that goes undercover as a nun?

Guys, this is amazing.

I want to assure everybody, this will be not even remotely similar to Sister Act.

Not even remotely similar.

Not even remotely similar.

It'll have moments of miscongeniality, I think, in thematically.

Possibly, possibly.

Maybe the second one.

Sister act is she witnesses a murder and has to go hide out in a convent.

She's a soul singer.

Will it be anything like misconception?

But that is all about

getting the convent to sing.

Yes, exactly.

Exactly.

Will it be anything like Nuns on the Run?

No, it won't be like Nuns on the Run.

Who'll be Nuns on the Run?

Irish guy and somebody else.

Irish guy, Irish guy, and the other one.

Oh, yeah, that one.

I'm sorry.

Irish guy and the other one.

Yeah, Eric Idol and Robbie Coultern.

Any final thoughts?

Anybody have any final thoughts?

Go see it.

Fun stuff.

Yeah, would you guys see it?

I would recommend you should watch it, maybe.

It's a fun party movie.

I think it's a fun party movie.

It's crazy enough.

There's crazy enough moments in it.

Watch it,

but be willing to fast forward.

Absolutely.

You know, because

who cares?

It is bad.

But definitely watch all the Richard E.

Grant, Sandra Bernard stuff.

Oh, my gosh.

That shit's awesome.

And I will say, I watched most of it, but the three-part interview series with Bruce Willis and Robert Kraft as they sit around and Bruce Willis just goes into getting very defensive about the movie, explaining the movie and talking about the song.

They play the song, they sing the song.

It's a three-part thing on YouTube.

Bruce Willis talks Hudson Hawk.

I think you will enjoy it.

I think I won't.

I think you will love it.

So, all right, so just once again, Emily,

your podcast is on the Nerdist channel.

Yes.

They can get it.

The indoor kids, it's you and Kamal.

It's awesome.

I've done it.

It's great.

You should do the Hudson Hawk game, maybe.

We should do a tie.

That's actually a good idea.

I got a track.

Have you guys ever done the movie to video game?

We have.

We have done it.

And actually, that one didn't come up in the episode that we did, but we did a lot of the Godzilla games that have come out.

That new Godzilla trailer is fucking awesome.

I haven't seen it yet.

I'm pretty excited.

It's fucking awesome.

It's just like Oppenheimer talking about the

if you are looking at pictures of me from this podcast, you'll notice I have a mustache.

It's because I just came from the Arsinio Hall show where I just played Arshirio Paul.

That happened already, but I'm sure you can find me as Arshirio Paul on Arsinio Hall's website or anywhere else.

So definitely check that out.

You can follow me at Paul Shear on Twitter.

Oh, and what are you?

What are you doing?

I'm at the Dynamite.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

I'm at Miss MS June Diane.

Jason, just checking in on your Twitter.

Yeah, yeah, no, not on Twitter, guys.

Okay, great.

Still not on Twitter.

On Twitter.

You know what?

It's good.

You probably have more time to do stuff in your day.

So much time.

So much jerking off.

Just to remember.

Undercover.

I got to write an undercover now.

Thank God I'm not on Twitter.

Thank God I'm not on Twitter because now I have time to write an undercover.

So I do actually want to plug

my upcoming film project, Nundercover.

Because by the time this airs, I suspect I will have already sold it.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, maybe look on Kickstarter.

Maybe I should Kickstarter Nundercover.

I would get behind it.

I would tweet that link out.

And

you should get the Twitter account for an undercover.

I'm sure nobody's going to get it.

Yeah, get this.

By the way, you got to get it before this.

Do it first before this comes out.

Set up your website.

We got to do all this before this episode drops.

Shoot.

You got some time.

You got some time.

And also, a big thanks to everyone who helps us out here at the show.

Our lead engineer, Frank Capello.

Thank you so much, Frank.

You're always amazing.

And our clip puller, who's always suggesting great stuff, Avril Halley.

And Nate Kiley, who's doing all of our research.

He's amazing.

And the fantastic Katie Dyer, who does our Twitter account.

You can follow us on Twitter always at HDTGM.

She also does our Facebook page.

Leanna Waldron does all of our cool art.

Check us out in the Earwolf store.

We got cups, we got new shirts.

Do it.

Guys, we did it.

Hudson Hawk.

We caught the adventure.

We caught the hawk.

We caught the laughter for sure.

Thank you so much for joining us, Emily.

We'll talk to you later.

Bye-bye.

Adam Pally here.

And I'm John Gabris.

We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the host of the TV show 100 One Places to Party Before You Die.

Now, we're bringing you a comedic look at health and wellness with our new show, Staying Alive.

We'll have guests like our friend, actor Jerry O'Connell, ketamine therapist Dr.

Steven Radowitz, Paul Shear, Eggo Woda, Jillian Bell, Dr.

Doolittle.

Staying Alive with John Gabris and Adam Pally is out right now.

Get them a week early and ad-free with SiriX and Podcast Plus on Apple Podcasts.

If you're sleeping hot and sweaty, it's impossible to get a good night's rest.

And if your solutions are blasting the AC high all summer and doing constant pillow flips, you've got to check out Coop Sleep Goods.

Coop combines advanced cooling technology and personalized comfort to create pillows that help hot sleepers stay sweat-free all summer.

The fabrics are breathable and cool to the touch, so you feel an instant chill the moment you lay down.

Designed for 50% more breathability, the innovative fill helps you sleep cooler and more comfortably.

They also have tensile sheets that are naturally cooling, lightweight, and feel buttery, soft on your skin.

If it's not your coolest sleep ever, return it with no questions asked during their 100-night sleep better guarantee.

And right now, you can get 20% off your first order.

Visit coopsleepgoods.com/slash comedy to redeem your offer.

That's C-O-O-P sleepgoods.com/slash/comedy.