Cobra LIVE! w/ Brian Posehn & Rhett Miller (HDTGM Matinee)

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Imagine dirty hairy, but more violent and with robots.

We saw Cobra, so you know what that means.

Now it's time for

how did this create?

We're gonna have a good time.

Celebrate some failure, not just be a hater.

Cause you know you wonder, how did this create?

Let's follow in the mediocrity of some bar art.

Perhaps we'll find the answer to the question.

How did this get made?

Hello, people of Earth, and hello, people of Seattle.

We are live at Bumbershoot,

and you guys are in for a treat.

We have an amazing, we have two guests today, two special guests, plus my two amazing co-hosts.

Please welcome June Diane Rayfield and Jason Manzukas.

Also, welcome our first special guest.

You know this guy, amazingly funny guy, Brian Posane.

And our second amazing guest, a musical genius.

Please welcome Rhett Miller.

Have a seat.

There we go.

All right.

Here we are.

Cobra.

All right.

Man, I haven't seen this movie since I was a kid, and I forgot.

It really, I felt like today watching, I was like, this is really just a rip-off of Dirty Harry in many respects, right?

I mean, because it's like he's chasing like a killer, a serial killer, but he's just way more badass.

Well, he's just like, he does in, it's all the setup of Dirty Harry.

Like, I don't like your tactics.

You're too much, blah, blah.

But instead of fighting like one serial killer, he's fighting an insane army of maniacs,

which makes no sense.

And it's Dirty Harry without the wit.

Yeah.

Somebody will say, like,

just even in that trailer moment of, you got an attitude problem, just a little bit.

Like, that's really?

That's the best you have?

Like, they didn't hire any punch-up guys.

There's somebody else who's like, try this.

Nope, yeah, I'm a slave.

I think I'm going to go with just a little bit.

It's not that strong.

I think we can come up with some better.

Sorry, but fuck it.

Just a little bit.

What about all his hilarious banter with his partner over eating sugary food?

I mean,

really funny stuff.

Oh, yeah.

He's like,

I've actually come to the conclusion that Cobra has an eating disorder

because

it was nuts, right?

Yeah, he cuts a pizza with a a fork and knife.

Yeah, but he's so obsessed with the eggs.

And he only eats the triangle part.

He cuts it with scissors.

He is obsessed with whatever

he's eating.

And we've only seen him eat one, not even a whole slice of pizza, but a bite of it.

Yes, we watched him eat an apple.

I think that's what Stallone was going through at that moment.

Like, he was really obsessed with food.

And so they were like, well, we don't have any dialogue for this scene.

He's like, let's talk about food.

Well, there's a scene where you can see it.

I'll make fun of the food that guy's eating.

And then I'll tell him you should eat better like me.

There's a scene when Brigitte Nielsen is in the hospital.

She has been assaulted.

And the whole plot, all of the plot pieces fall out, and they know what's going to happen next, right?

And at the end of the scene, inexplicably, Stallone picks up the food off of her food tray and starts trying to offer cheese to his partner.

And his partner wants cake.

Yeah.

Right?

That's it.

And they get, and he's like, come on, you got to eat the cheese.

It's healthy.

You can't eat because by the way, cheese is not healthy.

No.

Yeah.

In 1986, though, they thought it was.

My favorite moment

with food was they're in this diner.

He's protecting Brigitte Nielsen.

And they have this prop hamburger sitting on a shelf.

And it's big.

It's very large.

And he carries it over.

Hey, you wanted this hamburger?

It was a big for a big family.

And then he puts it back.

Like, it was like sort of like a prop working.

I was obsessed with that scene because,

well, my question to everybody is, do you think that when he got on set, he saw that prop hamburger and thought, I want to do a bit with this?

I got to have video here, or do you think that was an idea for social media?

That wasn't written in the script.

I can't.

I feel like he's like, oh, look at this thing over here.

What if I come back, pick this up, and I come back?

I'm kind of doing a food through line, so this will work perfect with my whole running food theme thing.

But isn't that what makes it.

It starts in a grocery store where there's a lot of food.

That's where they make food, right?

By the way, though, in that scene, he's drinking a beer.

Yes, next to a Pepsi sign.

The Pepsi is all over this movie, by the way.

Pepsi definitely follows.

It's a warm beer.

It's warm.

It's just sitting out.

Yeah, it's not cold.

It's not a cold beer.

Refreshing.

Well, they show an entire Toys R Us commercial.

They show this whole commercial as he's sitting there cleaning his gun.

They just...

But to me, to me, I thought, I was like, why is Toys R Us and Pepsi going, we need to get into the R-rated Sylvester Stallone market?

Like, we need to get some, Toys R Us, we need to get some.

Toys R Us then did carry a line of Cobra guns, I'm sure.

I'm sure there was with laser sights.

And this was like a movie that was built on, well, there's a laser sight on the gun, as if people were like, I've never seen that.

What is happening?

This is amazing.

First of all, Cobra is a man.

of a lot of different sides, obviously.

We've already explored some of it, the food.

I do want to just, I want to show the opening of the movie.

This just kind of sets the tone for the world in which Cobra lives in here.

Is that a Cobra?

A murder every 24 minutes.

This is a dick.

In 250 rapes a day.

And then the movie starts.

Here's the weird thing, though, about the way that his character is set up.

He's set up as this cop who's really just like this renegade cop who won't follow the rules and goes off on his own.

We never see him do anything that's that unreasonable.

No, and not only that, he's doing legitimate police work

where the rest of the police department is acting like dildos.

They are literally keep contending that there is a single serial killer.

Meanwhile, dozens of people keep attacking both Brigitte Nielsen and Stallone.

Right.

They don't want to acknowledge it.

It's easier to catch one than an army.

But his tactics are completely reasonable.

He looks through photographs.

He talks to people on the street.

He has like a composite done of what does the guy look like.

I have no problem with that.

He's like.

Yeah.

But he's the zombie squad.

The zombie, he's part of the zombie squad, which they never thoroughly explain what the zombie squad is.

Well, they thought this was going to do well enough for there to be a zombie squad sequel where you meet all the other zombie squad guys.

It didn't do well enough.

Because yeah, the zombie squad just seems to be like the people who get shit done.

It's just him and the other dude.

It's just him and the dude that likes cheese.

Yeah.

And the other other guy, his partner, can't be more unlike Cobra.

That guy just is like, you know what I want?

Gummy bears.

Like, literally, that's a line in the movie.

That's a line in the movie.

That's a line.

I looked it up.

That guy played Grabby.

Gummy Bears had just come over to America then, so that was like a new thing.

He was in a Dirty Harry movie, Gonzalez.

And he had the same name.

Same name in the Dirty Harry movies.

He potentially transferred down from San Francisco down to the farm.

Are you saying he's like Munch?

He plays the same cop in everything.

Whenever there is a cop who's going against regulations, he is their partner.

He's got a transfer all across the country.

And he just shrugs a lot and eats gummy bears.

I guess Cobra's going to do what Cobra's going to do.

But there is a

gummy.

I guess the question I would ask the other lieutenants and stuff in that police department is, after the hostage situation at the supermarket, Cobra kills the guy who is holding these people hostage.

He's already killed one person in the supermarket.

And they really like rip him a new one after that about how he did it.

Meanwhile, this guy is killing him.

What would you have him do?

This guy in the supermarket has killed children, people at point-blank range, and they can't get into the supermarket.

He goes in there and he kills them.

They're like, oh, how dare you?

But dare you, you.

Can we talk about before he kills anybody, he kills a lot of groceries?

Yes.

It doesn't even shoot people till like 10 minutes in because first he's like blowing up

produce and then he sees some sodas he's mad at.

Well, then we didn't even then he's like the guy in the jerk.

He hates those cans.

Then one time he shoots at a shopping cart and it explodes like there was C4 in it.

There was.

That's because there was.

They do sell C4 at that supermarket.

I've been there.

I do.

I do.

I did pull it.

What does he once say?

Yeah, he goes, so I don't

shop.

Oh, yeah, I had this clip.

This is a this is Cobra taunting the villain, and then uh, spoiler alert, killing him.

Here we go.

Hey, Dirtbag,

you're a lousy shot.

I don't like lousy shots.

You wasted a kid for nothing.

Now I think it's time to waste you.

There it goes.

Come on, man.

I got a bomb here.

I'll kill her.

I'll blow this whole place up.

Go ahead.

I don't shop here.

Hey, just relax, Amigo.

You want to talk?

We'll talk.

I'm a sucker for good conversation.

I don't want to talk to you.

Now, you bring in the television cameras in here now.

Come on, bring it in.

Can't do that.

Why?

I don't deal with psychos.

I put them away.

I ain't no psycho, man.

I'm a hero.

You're looking at a fucking hunter.

I'm a hero of the new world.

Good disease.

You know, I'm the cure.

Die!

I just want to point out that in between saying

drop it and shooting, there's no time.

Well, also, doesn't the dialogue feel like it was written by five different people?

Yes,

like that game where you write a line, then I'll write a line, then, because it doesn't fucking connect.

It's almost as if they're like, well, we need a one-liner here.

Everybody write a one-liner.

And then it was like, ooh, I love all of these.

So it's a lot of fun.

But all makes sense together, though.

Who goes?

Just run them through.

Just run them through.

We'll pick one.

Oh, wait, we play them all?

Okay, good, great.

And he doesn't say them with too much, like, you hear, everyone

has heard that, like, you're a disease, and I'm the cure.

Like, he doesn't even say it with too much, like, panache.

He's just sort of like, you're the disease.

I'm the cure.

And I'm the cure.

It's sort of like he's not even doing the, I'll be back.

He's just like, me, I'm just saying this.

I don't think he knows when he's saying a line.

I don't care.

I just throw out my catchphrases with nothing behind them.

I don't care.

Stick around.

Stick around.

I'm so curious about this gang because they say over and over that they're preparing for the new world.

Yes.

For the new world.

We see them,

we see them underground in some sort of warehouse space, all doing a group exercise together.

And which are clanking.

It's a music video.

Axes and sledgehammers.

It's only a music video.

Literally, there's only like 16 of them, so how are they really going to take over the world with 16 people with axes?

This to me is one of those 80s things like, oh, wait, there are secret killer gangs out there, right, guys?

Just like the Russians?

They're all the same.

Like, there's something about that to me.

Like, when I was a kid, it was clowns.

Like clowns rode around in vans and would abduct kids with candy.

Did anybody else have a clown?

No.

What is that?

Where did you grow up?

What's happening?

Wait, hang on.

I'm having one of those moments.

There was John Wayne Gacy, but that's one guy.

I'm having one of those moments where I feel like something I assumed we all shared.

Oh, Jason.

It's unique to me.

You may have just have seen Stephen King's it on TV and mistaken it for a...

No, no, no.

Guys, we were all abducted.

You guys all thought the mushroom people were going to kill us, right?

You guys all were afraid of the mushroom people.

I got to ask you, Jason,

when you say you were scared of being abducted by clowns, do you mean like killers in clown costumes?

Correct?

Okay, all right.

So not just like crazy clowns.

No, no, no, not real clowns, guys.

John Wayne Gacy?

Like, yeah.

Yeah, that's what I ask.

Yeah, that's about it.

Just one dude.

Yeah.

Because people would be like, oh, I heard the clowns were around after school yesterday.

The clowns.

This is a real thing.

You guys are fucking assholes.

You know what?

You know what you guys could be doing?

Supporting me.

You know what you're not doing?

You're against me.

You're against me now.

Basically the entire movie, the plot of it is that Brigitte Nelson looked at, like caught a fleeting glance of one of these killers, one in the army of killers.

And then they decide that they must kill her at all costs, even though she doesn't really know what he looks like.

And the police drawing is not even that good.

They don't know that.

I mean, they draw so much more attention to themselves.

Yes, Yes, in order to not be revealed.

The thing is they are committing all of these acts of murder.

They are called the night stalker, the night slasher.

Yes.

Right?

But except

the police think it's a single person.

They're actually a gang.

And because she's seen them, they're like, we have to kill her.

But then they out themselves as an army of people in pursuit of killing her, which is exactly against what they want.

Oh, guys.

Well, I think, I have a theory that the main killer guy, who, by the way, is super creepy.

He's really creepy.

Oh, yeah.

I think he was in love with Brigitte Nielsen.

Like, that, why, first of all, why would he walk towards her car so that she could see his face with no mask on?

And the way he looked at her, and then when he goes in to murder her, what does he say?

He says, pretty hair.

That was upset.

He does.

That was really upset.

I thought that was.

That's what I used to say to girls to get them to not talk to me.

Just to establish how creepy you were.

Yeah, yeah.

You would start with pretty hair.

The main bad guy.

Oh, never

The main bad guy in this kind of looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger, like Terminator era, but then suck all the air out of him.

So, like, he's kind of like a gaunt Schwarzenegger.

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At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

That thing that says, I will not accept this world that is.

While it drives us to create what could be,

that world can't wait to see what you'll do.

Where will your wonder take you?

And what will it make you?

The University of Arizona.

Wonder makes you.

Start your journey at wonder.arizona.edu.

Your sausage McMuffin with egg didn't change.

You receipt it.

The sausage McMuffin with egg extra value meal includes a hash brown and a small coffee for just $5.

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Prices and participation may vary.

Could anybody else figure out the time frame of this movie?

Because this happens.

Brigitte Nielsen, it's the middle of the night.

She's driving by the underpass.

She sees them murdering someone, right?

Yes.

She keeps driving.

Right.

She goes and then does her modeling shoot.

There's a day in between, actually.

There is.

Because she said

he said, tell me what happened tonight.

And she said,

when did you see them around 10 o'clock?

Then she goes and does a whole modeling shoot.

Then they find out where she is in the meanwhile, attack her.

Then he saves.

It's like four days of activities appears to happen in 90 minutes.

Yeah.

You know, you might be right, because, yeah, they don't go to the daylight again for a long time.

Do you have that modeling shoot?

Yes, I do.

Oh, my God.

This is part of the music video modeling shoot.

So Stallone and his partner from the zombie squad are out investigating.

Brigitte is doing a model shoot, and this is kind of what happens for four minutes.

I cut it down a little bit, so enjoy.

And I dare you to not jerk off during this.

Can I?

Watch the wigs.

These wigs are great.

Robots.

Hey, you have tattoos here?

Combs his hair.

Yeah, we're looking for a tattoo.

Oh, you got more tattoos up there, huh?

Wait,

she has nine outfit changes.

So, this is four minutes

of this month.

Hey, do they have tattoos here?

Hey!

What do you know about the Night Slasher?

By the way, it looks like he is just beating up.

I mean, he just beats up that bartender for no reason, just grabs him.

That's Cobretti.

I don't like visors.

It was Angel of the City by Robert Tepper.

A great song.

But I've never seen a movie, or at least an action movie, take a four-minute break for a music video.

But there's a lot of plot.

He knows the streets.

That's the thing that's been set up.

Because he's on the zombie squad, he knows the streets.

They're like, his name is Cobretti, by the way.

Marion Cobretti.

Which, the interesting thing about this was his name originally was Axel Cobretti, and this was Beverly Hill's Cop, but it became so expensive that he just took all of his ideas for Beverly Hill's Cop and then made this movie instead.

Yeah, Beverly Hill's Cop was written originally for Sylvester Stallone.

That's true.

And they added all the comedy in after when he left and Eddie Murphy came on.

Yeah.

And then there's another crazy movie.

I think it would have been just as funny with Stallone.

This is the better comedy.

I would have liked to have seen Sebastian Stallone play all those characters that any money.

Is that a banana in your tail?

Oh, fuck.

That is a banana in your tail, Play.

Victim Maitland gave me her piece.

Do you think the photos for this photo shoot were for like a magazine or?

Yeah, 100%.

They're for like

Robot Monthly or Robot Digest.

Robots and food were big in 1989.

And there's a beat at the end of the photo shoot where it's empty and just the robots are there and this goes,

and the robot lights up.

And I thought for a second, dude, this is going to be like a robot movie.

Yeah.

They come alive and stuff.

I thought the same thing.

Yeah, they shut down the whole thing and the robot is alive.

Oh, I do want to bring up one interesting point.

The actual, I guess, movie of Cobra is based on a book.

And the book's author,

after Sylvester Sallone wrote this film, which he did write,

he asked the author to take his name off the book and re-release the book with his name as the author of the book.

Stallone?

What?

Yes.

That's hubris.

Yeah.

But you didn't write the book.

Yeah, but I wrote the movie, so no.

People are going to know the movie, so I should write the book too.

By the transitive property of mathematics, I've not written your book.

He asked the author to take his name off the book.

Not even shared credit for the book.

Off it.

I'm also going to fuck your wife.

I'm you.

I'm you now.

I live life as you.

I'm going to live as you.

You never existed.

Is that okay?

They were married at this point, I guess, Brigitte and Sylvester Sallone.

They were together as a couple.

I don't even want a picture.

And she would carry him around.

She carried him around in a backpack.

He's like, she's enormous and he's miniature.

Yeah.

She carried him around like Luke and Yoda and Dagobah.

He's listed as 5'10, but then they say, oh, he can't be above 5'7.

But I stood next to him once.

I'm saying 5'2.

Really?

I'm gonna say Stellon is 5'2.

He's also another guy who's probably always on apple boxes because he did not look like he was short next to her.

He's always standing on a, it's like the Hobbit.

Like he's a tall force.

He's perspective.

There's a great, one of my favorite bits in this movie is when he is doing good police work and he has her describe gaunt Arnold Schwarzenegger, they do the world's worst composite sketch of him to be like, oh, that's the bad guy, right?

And then he's like, I want to take this.

I'm going to go to my apartment and look through my files.

He goes to his apartment with the sketch, right?

And he has the most crude rudimentary computer.

And he's holding the sketch in one hand and he's beeping through.

And what he's going through is fingerprints.

And

not it, not it.

He's comparing fingerprints

to a face.

The two things I want to point out here, too, is he goes to his apartment to look at fingerprint books.

Like, that's what the police station is for.

Zombie squad.

Not if you're on the zombie squad, bro.

I got my own shit.

I got my own file back in there.

Biddle got the right scissors to cut my pizza at the police station now if I can just intuit this dude's fingerprints I'll know who he is it's mental by the way the composite sketch and this is a deep reference looks like the guy from Justice League of America cartoon the big Native American guy who could grow really tall it is not a Patchy Chief yes he looks like Apache Chief it looks like Apache Chief also

you know Stallone not only do you see Pepsi prominently in the in that scene at the supermarket but you see it prominently because apparently his house shares a balcony where there is a giant neon Pepsi sign on his balcony.

Like an enormous Pepsi billboard, basically.

On his balcony.

Not like off the front.

It's like he has a patio and one of the walls of the patio is a giant Pepsi sign.

Well, there's also outside of his apartment, there's always one car parked outside with a gang of Hispanic people who are packed in the car.

I was about to say clown car.

Uh-oh.

Don't bring back memories for Jason.

Bad memories.

Uh-oh.

They had candies, guys.

The clowns would pull up, and they would offer you candy in a van.

All right?

But this is the shit.

This shit is real.

There's always about seven people in broad daylight on what looks like a nice day packed into that car every time he pulls up.

And they're parked in such a way that he can't get his car into his spot.

So they they have a, I'll show it to you here.

Well, I don't even have to beat around the bush.

This is exactly what happens.

Great news.

This is not an offensive portrayal of his panics.

So that's good.

JK, it's a horrible portrayal of his panics.

Here we go.

By the way, this looks like his car looks like that Tucker of

Campfit.

He's pretty cavalier with his car here.

It really isn't nice to him.

Yeah,

he's seen it's kind of an aggressive move.

What's your problem, Masesse?

You touched my car, man.

What is pinche?

Clean up your act.

What?

Clean up your act.

He's wearing a wire, right?

Is he wearing a wire?

He's wearing a wire.

I watched this 10 times.

He's wearing a mic.

This is love.

Oh, wait, I gotta do that.

But it does look like he's wearing a wire.

Wait, that's his mic for being an actor?

Yeah, right there.

You can see it.

I was like, he just outed undercover tone.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's unguarded like that.

No.

No.

That is a wire.

That looks like a wire.

It looks like the tape over the front of it.

That's absolutely his mic.

And the sound guys went, hey, I think the mic.

And then they went, it's a good take.

We're just going to leave that.

That's all he improvised that shirt.

That's the only tank top.

That's the only tank top we got, so that's what we're using.

It's definitely a new one.

What I love is they're badass Vatos and they're listening to Gloria Estefan, which

has never fucking happened.

Ever.

By the way, though, it doesn't like that makes you not want to like Cobra.

These guys are just parked in a space.

They're not even parked badly in a space.

They're just parked.

Who knows the situation that created it that he can't get his car perfectly parallel parked?

It's fine.

He goes there and rams.

He doesn't do those.

This isn't a part of his police work.

He may be an asshole, but again, again,

as a part of the zombie squad, which my tax dollars are paying for, I don't mind the work he's doing.

And I don't have a problem with it.

So you think he's an asshole in real life, but he's a great copy.

Yeah.

But again, again, his dialogue doesn't matter, because he says,

that's not good for you.

It's not good for your health.

That's not good for your health.

And the guy goes, what?

And he goes, me.

Wait.

That's not good for your health.

Well, he ripped a joint out of his mouth.

Yeah, no, I know that.

Oh, does he mean that

connecting it?

Yeah, to me.

They say that's not good for your health.

And the guy goes, what's not good for my health?

Me.

Me.

Maybe he was really.

You know what I mean?

Like, if you wrote that on the page, somebody would go, he did it.

That doesn't make any sense.

Here's the thing.

He wrote it on the page.

But I believe, I firmly, firmly believe, because I saw Expendables 2 just a little while ago.

Oh, God, me too.

And don't you think that there are just jokes that they think are funny on side?

They're accusing me.

Absolutely.

There's so much of that shit in that movie that the dialogue doesn't make any fucking sense.

Well like Dolph Lundgren's like writing down something on a piece of paper like hey what's that?

It's the quantum theory like he's like

it's like the it's a you know the theory of relativity, but better.

Then he blows his nose in it and everyone's like ah

What's hilarious about that is the idea that Dolph Lundgren can write

but I feel like

he might have been looking at his own reflection in the other guy's eyeballs.

I do feel like it's all just Stallone just being like, that's funny, right?

I'll do that.

I'll do that.

I'm going to tell him to clean up his act and I'll rip his shirt, but I'm not going to tell anyone so he can hide his mic.

If at this point anybody's wondering if Stallone takes the sunglasses off, he really doesn't.

Because that's what you want when you're watching an actor in close-up, is to be looking at mirrored lenses.

Not their eyes.

And he barely takes off the leather gloves either.

I swear to God, this was so modeled after the George Michael Faith video.

And

at one point, they're driving in the car and she goes, How do you know we're going to make it there?

And he goes, You got to have faith.

I swear to God.

Yeah, that happened.

Oh, my God.

I didn't even catch that.

That happens.

Are you sure George Michael wasn't modeled after this?

The one thing that I think is so interesting in this movie, too, is every chase sequence

traverses so much space.

Like, they start a chase in downtown that ends in Venice, and it only happens in like five minutes.

I mean, oh, they go from like cityscape to the docks.

Like, it's like, and it's like, as if they're like,

they turn a corner, they're in a very densely populated area, and they're just in like empty, desolate desert.

They might as well go, it might as well be the cannonball run in sections where they go across state lines.

It's so crazy.

Hey, we're at Mount Rushmore.

Oh, hey, we're over here now.

Space Needle.

Hey,

Malamo.

No No one will notice.

Just fucking nerds.

The final fight scene also traverses a bunch of, like, it starts off in a small town, then it continues into an orange orchard, and then goes into a steel factory.

Which none of it, it's not like an orange pressing plant.

It's like a steel factory.

Everything in that factory is not making orange juice.

That's all I know.

It's like smelting metal.

I want lava.

I want there to be lava around.

It'd be cool if there was fire and lava.

Oh, man.

It's so, so.

Oh, the other thing I loved is

the guy, the killer, Gant Schwarzenegger.

She's in the hospital.

Brigitte Nielsen's in the hospital.

So he goes in to kill her.

But instead of going and killing her, he just decides to kill like 10 people along the way.

New World Order.

He delays himself for so long just to allow Sylvester Stallone to find out he's in the hospital, drive across town to rescue her.

It's so easy for him to kill her.

Just go in, go to the room, be done with it.

But he is so excited to kill, because even when he steals the janitor's uniform, he's in the elevator where the woman's like, you can't be in this elevator.

Right on the service elevator.

He's like, oh, gotta get my knife out.

I'm gonna kill her.

Like, no, man, keep it cool.

Just do your job.

Don't start laying the body count out here.

But instead, he has to kill the elderly woman and leave a bloody mop in bed bed with her.

Yeah, he puts the mop in there.

He didn't want to carry that around.

Then the nurse comes in, he kills her.

He's just like on a kill.

He's like, ooh, he's like,

there's just too much juicy killing to be done.

He is

pretty hair.

He is, but then the unattractive cop is really bad at killing because she has all these opportunities to just kill everybody because they don't even know she's the killer.

Oh, of course.

So she could kill Stallone like

over halfway through.

Sure, instead of leaving the gang to arrive in broad daylight, then

the most inept axe gang ever.

They are professional axe murderers, and every time they swing their axe, they hit a pipe, or a wall, or a car door.

It just shows you you should not be an axe murderer because you can never figure out where the height is going to be if you're running around.

Unless you've really vetted the space before you get to the killing space.

This is the idea of dry run.

This also has those kind of car chases that I am like, I become obsessed with because I'm like,

in the time it took to have this car chase and all of the action in it, at least 100 pedestrians were murdered

due to indiscriminate machine gun shooting and giant multi-car car wrecks.

Like, there's shit that's happening that is soaked.

They are just spray, like oozy spraying bullets around cars and people constantly.

It's like bad boys style

death toll here.

And it's like, also, there are accidents.

I don't even know how they happen.

Like, in the end, when they're having their big chase scene, there's just three cars on the road on fire, but it didn't seem like that was set up before.

Like, was the axe gang, like, oh, let's set up these three cars here, just in case our plan goes horribly bad and we have a big chase that leads us far away from where we were supposed to do the killing.

This will be our backup, these three cars on fire.

Like, there's no reason for those cars.

After every time, the gang has come after him.

Like, they've been in multiple cars with machine guns.

After every time, his superiors are like Cobra what are you doing your tactics are out of control it's just one guy out there and he's like oh I think it's a gang of people and they're like that's what you say but there's no proof there's a million people to prove it

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I do want to talk about these police, the police station.

Also, they go from a scene that starts in the morgue they walk out into a police station and then he walks into a shooting range 10 feet away from the chief of police's office yes it's all all within 15 yeah 15 feet away from each other and they're all clear windows so you can see in like oh who's in the shooting range that'd be the most annoying office like

there was no paperwork he didn't have to sign in he walks in picks up a gun and starts shooting it's like an aaron sorkin walk-and-talk is basically what it is but it And

it's Cobra and his partner and the chief of police and his lackey.

Those two peel off into the chief's office and Cobra and the other guy go into the shooting range and in the background is just the chief like

just watching him shoot.

But it's good that he took that practice because when the gang of 90 axe murderers come, he doesn't miss a single one ever.

One shot for each one.

He's like, bang, bang, bang.

Never does he miss.

He's an amazing shot, Cobra.

And they're horrible shots.

Yeah, they're horrible shots.

And not even good bikers.

They're just flying off their bikes.

Well, they start, they leave Los Angeles.

They're the axe motoring gang.

They leave Los Angeles on motorcycles.

To take her upstate.

And that's his idea, right?

Yeah, that's Cobra's idea.

Yeah, so they're going to get to Cobra and the girl and everything upstate now.

They ride all night wearing masks, wearing like crazy, like ski masks and all sorts of and like that would be the most suspicious thing anybody would see on the road.

Oh a gang of 60 bikers wearing ski masks?

Yeah, it seems like the New World Order gang.

But you know what?

I bet you though they probably attacked at night, right?

No, no, no.

I'm sorry, no, that wonderful.

They drove during the night.

Oh, they attacked at daytime.

Oh,

they drive all night.

Let's wait till they wake up instead of just murdering them in their sleep.

It's the craziest sequence.

Let's Cobra get some caffeine in him before we go and get him.

Let's make sure they can see us very clearly in the broad daylight.

I want them to have a nice breakfast before.

I also want to give them a chance to bang first, which is what happens.

By the way, nobody.

Does he wear sunglasses when he bangs that horse?

He definitely fingers her with leather gloves on.

That's for sure.

That is for sure.

Just to the knuckle.

Just to the knuckle.

Just to the knuckle?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, he's wearing those gloves.

So she doesn't feel it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

They're those knuckle-free gloves or whatever they call them.

In that scene, in that same scene, they're in like a cabin.

Figureless gloves is what they call them, I think.

Not knuckle-free.

Knuckle-free.

They're in a cabin, and he's like, we should get some sleep.

And she's like, trying to sleep.

At which point he loudly assembles a gun.

That's my favorite.

He's like,

yeah, why aren't you sleeping?

Yeah, and then he's building a rocket launcher.

He's fucking making the most noise I've ever heard.

Speaking of fingering,

the model photographer also has a good line when he wants to sleep with her.

He's like, come on, come on, don't do it for me.

Do it for your career.

Like, that's how he's convincing her to sleep with him.

He's like, come on.

Like, he has the worst lines to sleep with her.

He's like, and he also, at one point, he's like, I don't even want this for me.

I want this for you.

Because

you should be doing bigger layouts or something, is what he says.

You shouldn't be doing robots and wigs.

He says, look, I'd want to be sick not to sleep.

I'd be sick not to want to sleep with you.

Yeah.

Can we talk about how I own this?

Oh, yes.

Paul, we were trying to figure out what movie I was going to talk about with you guys, and you gave me a list.

and what was the other two

the other two might have been oh I forget like maybe like like but I go right away I went oh Cobra we have to do Cobra and then you Paul very nicely sends me a link hey you could check out Cobra on amazon.com and I photographed myself holding up my copy of the movie and sent it back to him minutes later.

It was amazing and I was so now that I've seen it, I now own it as well and I will revisit it a lot.

It is great.

We have been able to buy buy the shit out of this movie, and then Stallone next week is going to be like, well, we sold like a thousand copies of fucking Cobra

all in total.

All Cobra.

We're going to get a sequel greenlit based on your purchases of this movie.

He's been rebooting everything about Cobra Part 2.

People are clamoring for this.

It's going through the rooms.

Just in Seattle, we saw it.

So it must be happening other places.

And it's hot.

Cobra goes to Seattle.

This movie cost $25 million to make.

How much money do you think it made at the box office?

I don't remember if it was a hit or not.

$25 million.

$11 million.

Alright, $25 million to make.

It got a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Is there another baby here?

What is going on with these babies?

Babies like podcasts.

Does that baby know I've been saying fuck a lot?

That baby really got into the fingering yesterday.

This baby's gonna be like, what?

What's fingering?

I'm gonna guess 30.

30.

Is it the same baby?

What?

There was a baby at an 10-year-old.

There was a baby yesterday after I talked about vaginal discharge.

Well, that is what a baby is, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's true.

All right, so we heard 11 million, we heard 30 million.

Any other guesses?

I didn't guess.

Hard guess.

Take a guess.

I don't even know.

$25 million is made in 1986.

1986.

$42.

$160 million.

$160 million.

So it was a big hit.

It was a huge hit.

Why was there not a Cobra 2?

He said that he was going to make one, but he never got around to it.

Man, $160 million.

We're going to open it up to you guys.

If we haven't covered anything that you guys want to hear answered, any questions about Cobra, things that you saw?

Oh, good.

We have a good hand right here.

All right.

What's your question?

Is that a baby?

What about where Bridget Nielsen is pouring ketchup on fries for like a minute and a half straight?

And he's like, you're going to need a life preserver.

And then she's like, for what?

It's like, your fries are drowning.

Another.

You know what?

That's the only line that makes sense in the entire movie.

Yeah.

He actually has a payoff to his stupid partner's setup.

But that's

a weird part of

his food arc because

it seems like he should be just upset about the fact that she's eating fast food and french fries.

But this is a strange detour.

He's just upset about the ketchup.

But I would argue, Brian, too, that that comment doesn't really work because he goes, you need a life preserver.

But then he goes, the french fries are drowning.

The french fries would mean the life preserver.

No, but i meant for the fries is what i was i don't think

i don't think he understands no when i say you i meant uh fuck it i don't think he understands like nouns and pronouns

and how they work and i don't think basic sentence structure is a problem for him yeah it's a good one all right so what's your question I haven't seen the movie, but it seems in the trailer like there's a ton of focus on his car.

Is there any

explanation why he's drawing a matte black 1940s Phantom something?

Well, yeah, that car looked like Tucker a man in his dream like if you remember that car nope it's what's the license plate say awesome 54 or awesome 52 yeah it's like a old person like a retiree car yeah

and it's got a um it's it in one chase he's like buckle up and she puts on a racing harness

she puts on a like six thinged racing harness and he has a nitrous booster in the car yeah that's that's from the others That's from Tales from the Zombie Squad.

You would all make sense.

Yeah, what's your question?

Now, has anybody read the novel?

Is it possible that this makes all of this make so much more sense?

This might have been this guy's like Tale of Two Cities.

I will argue the novel was called Fair Game.

It was remade later, I think, with Richard Gere and Chris, well, Cindy Crawford.

Oh, yeah, horrible.

And there's no character named Cobra in it.

So I think it's a very loose adaptation of this book.

I wrote a book.

We're going to make a movie of it.

What's it about?

I forget.

Wouldn't be cool if I was called.

The guy with a car and he

hates Hispanics.

And

he's got a Cobra on his gun.

We should call him Cobra because of the gun.

Even though that's not in the book.

When Gant Arnold Swerkeninger kills the janitor to take his uniform, why does he also take the janitor's glasses?

Yes.

Yeah, he also

kills someone and puts on the glasses because the uniform is not enough.

He needed to.

Well, now I'm sort of understanding.

Maybe he thought that old woman was Brigitte Nelson.

Maybe it was just in prescriptions that the prescription was too strong.

She did have pretty hair.

She did.

That's the other thing: in the final showdown between that guy and Stallone, that guy's going, Come on, pig.

I want your eyes.

Yeah.

I want your eyes, pig.

And I was like, what?

Is this a thing?

Is this guy like harvesting eyeballs?

Is this a thing I missed?

I want your.

Shut up in the director's cut.

There's a lot of other seats.

Oh, guys.

I hope there's a director's cut.

The movie

is roughly like an hour and like 27 minutes.

Roughly.

It's pretty exact.

How many people do you think were killed in this movie?

Take a guess.

100.

How many?

50.

How many?

180.

Wow, 180.

52.

52.

52 people.

That's a person killed every other minute.

That doesn't include, though, pedestrians and passengers.

Well, yeah, those are the people who weren't counted.

Collateral damage is enormous.

So obviously, we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for a second opinion.

These are reviews called from Amazon.com, five-star reviews.

Now, Rhett, I know that you have a specific, you found one that you wanted to talk about.

Well, I really loved the music in this.

I would love to meet the music supervisor that put all this stuff together.

It was so bad.

He was like, I like these songs.

Well,

you know, the big, the Cobra theme was by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, which is Eddie and the Cruisers.

That's pretty.

Oh, really?

Yeah, it wasn't Frank, which everybody I'm sure thought.

This one review on Amazon.com of the soundtrack was called, the review is titled, In quotes, Feel the Heat.

And that becomes a catchphrase in the review that he uses always in quotes.

So he goes, if this is not the best movie that Stallone has made, then I don't know what is.

Feel the heat.

The soundtrack is, if not as good, better than the movie because unlike others soundtracks, it features all the songs from the movie and basically doesn't waste your time, exclamation mark, feel the heat.

I won't waste anyone's time with listing what songs are on the soundtrack because it may be looked up by one's self.

Feel the heat

in summary and in true 80s fashion.

This soundtrack is sure to deliver maximum listening pleasure.

Feel the heat.

What I love about it, it's almost like a professional wrestler wrote that.

Feel the heat.

The ones that I, the ones that I pulled,

this was a good one.

Aspiring filmmakers, take heed, commit Cobra to memory, or take up bricklaying.

This one,

a lot more disturbing,

by

G.C.

Garner.

I gave it five stars because you actually feel like you're witnessing horrific acts being perpetrated upon innocent people.

All right, that's some people like that, I guess.

And this is my favorite one.

It's a little bit long, but it is worth it.

It's no wonder people who care for rights rights of criminals more than the rights of victims hate this movie.

Imagine that.

Here's a cop who not only says openly what he thinks of criminals and civilized judges, but puts his words into action.

The human rights, criminal rights that is.

People call this movie fascist.

It's their favorite epitaph for anything that's not compatible with their way of thinking.

Don't listen to that babble.

I'm not sure about the USA these days.

But boy, my country could sure use a few Cobras.

Five stars.

There was a huge Reagan poster in Cobra's office, too.

Did you see that?

Was there?

When Gonzalez was in there being wet.

There really was a Reagan poster?

Huge Reagan poster.

When he's talking to his partner on the phone and

he's looking at fingerprints on his computer.

He's taking fingerprints with photos.

No, Gonzalez goes back to the station, and Cobra calls him.

So, how's it going to the hospital?

He's like, Well, I'm back at the station.

They sent me back here.

He's next to this huge picture of Ronald Reagan's.

I love that.

Well, I also love that, like, that says, like, they are guarding Brigitte Nilsen, who they think is going to be attacked, and then a simple phone call just gets that to go away.

Hey, yeah, don't worry about guarding that girl.

Just come back to the station.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, see ya.

Just leave her there.

We'll let her be.

Okay, cool.

If Cobra says it, I'm out.

Is there anything that we have not talked about?

that anyone wants to, any final thoughts?

There's a wonderful moment at.

I do.

There's a gorgeous moment of levity when

Cobra's outside,

they go to some rest stop on their way upstate, and Cobra's outside this stand full of weird little trinkets, and there's a bobblehead.

You know what I'm talking about.

There's a bobblehead of, who is it of?

I don't even know what it is.

It's a Philadelphia Phillies, a baseball player.

There's just an unbelievable shot of Cobra playing with the bobblehead.

It looks like he's trying to figure it out and

bobbling his own head

with it.

Yeah, and then he ends it by saying to the guy, no sale today, sorry.

Yeah.

And then, by the way, they linger.

You have to explain to a clerk when you don't buy something.

But I also thought that he spent an obscene amount of time there touching all that stuff, but not to buy anything.

I think that's...

Sorry, I touched all your bobbles, but I'm not.

I don't like them enough.

At the end of the movie, Cobra kills everybody, and Brigitte Nielsen is saved.

And then, of course,

there's a time jump, and all of the police are there now, including the chief, including the weasely chief's guy who hates Cobra's tactics.

And the chief says, well, Cobra, you did good today.

If there's anything the department can do, it's yours.

If there's anything we can do to make your work easier, we'll do do it.

And he gives them this whole speech about how they're going to be behind him, right?

And Cobra goes, Well,

I would like it if you replaced my car, because he destroys his car in the movie.

And they're like, We can't do that.

Yeah.

And then it fixed, and then that disc gloss over it.

And he's like, okay, okay.

But you just said, you just said you would

do anything.

Not on the budget.

Sorry, Cobra.

And that's the whole sequel.

Him trying to figure out who can fix his car.

I would highly highly recommend seeing this movie.

Anyway,

you should seriously all buy it and do what I said.

You can, yeah.

You can buy it on Amazon.

It's like six bucks on Amazon.

That's a worthy investment.

Six dollars.

Come on.

Put it on your shelf.

Enjoy it for the rest of your lives.

It's amazing.

Thank you guys so much for coming out.

Good night.

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