Series 81 - Episode 2

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the Antidote to Panel Games.

At the piano is Covin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us today from Oxford,

the English university city that's produced more rubbish prime ministers than anywhere else in the UK.

Oxford sheep are a short wool breed known for their high meat yields.

Oxford sheep differ from other local breeds as the Oxford is the only sheep to have been awarded a BAAAAA hons.

The Bullingdon Club, a private all-male dining club for Oxford University students, is so well known for its borish tradition of bad behaviour and vandalism that most Oxford restaurants and pubs have banned it from hosting events.

However, they did recently find a welcome at a branch of Wetherspoons in Blackbird Lees.

After an evening of heavy drinking, the members went on the predictable rampage and reportedly caused over £5,000 worth of improvements.

The City of Oxford is the home of the Oxford comma, a comma used in a list of three or more items within a sentence and occurring after the penultimate item and before the conjunction, usually and, or,

or, nor.

This shouldn't be confused with an Oxford coma, which is what most people slip into after hearing that explanation.

A controversial statue of Cecil Rhodes at Oriel College has been the subject of calls for its removal by student activists who, on several occasions, held angry protests under it.

The Rhodes Must Fall student movement soon spread to Bristol, where in 2020, similar calls from student activists for the removal of a statue of slave owner Edward Colston led to it being toppled and dumped in Bristol Harbour.

The activists involved included Sage Willoughby and Milo Ponsford, and yet, despite this, it was the statue that they pushed into the harbour.

Edward Colston's graffited statue was eventually recovered from Bristol Harbour and taken to a local museum where it's now on permanent display.

Apart from three months in the summer, when it appears on GB News as holiday cover for Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Rachel Parris and the Reverend Richard Coles.

On my left, Tony Hawks and Alexander Armstrong.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people don't know the subtle difference between an elf and a sprite.

Well, an elf is a supernatural creature in folktales, typically quite small, whereas sprites are what the royal family have with their Christmas dinner.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams, so your suggestions, please, for any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Alexander, you can start.

Cistern, a seagull whose gender identity matches the sex they were assigned with at birth.

Rachel.

Wanting, fewer than tootings.

Britain.

Urethra.

Archimedes makes a breakthrough in genitou urinary medicine.

Tony?

Transmit.

A glove that identifies as a sock

Cough syrup to tell a wig wearer to go away

Download the amount of fluff on a duck

Frank Verter, a candid Geordie photograph

Wagtail, Colleen Rooney's autobiography.

Mendicant, gynecologist.

Spreadsheet.

How a Mexican farmer fertilizes his fields.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs in the round called Pick Up Song.

This round, Sven will spin the discs, and each of you teams will sing along to your records until Sven turns the music down.

If on its return you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points.

And points mean a frankly damning indictment of Britain's intellectual malaise.

What do points mean?

And this week's prize is the perfect post-perengial treat for the sweet-toothed furrier.

It's this after eight mink.

So, Tony Hawkes, I'd like you to accompany the Communards

singing Don't Leave Me This Way

and I'm going to ask Richard Coles to accompany you on the piano.

I think it would be very good.

Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

don't leave me this way.

I can't survive,

I can't stay alive

without your love.

Oh, baby, don't leave me this way.

I can exist, I will surely miss your tender kiss.

So don't leave me this way,

baby.

My heart is full of love and design.

So come down, you, I can come to my mouth.

You started this fire down in my throat.

Now can you see it burning out of control?

So come down and satisfy the need in me.

Cause

Well Tony, thank you, thank you, Richard.

And

back to piano, please, Colin, you can take it.

Don't sulk.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words.

Mime is, of course, a mainstay of street performance, which is sadly becoming increasingly violent as artists battle for the best pitches.

The violence can spill out into the audience, and only last week in Oxford's city centre, a man was attacked by a street performer.

Luckily, the man was ex-military, so he knew to go straight for the juggler.

Well in our version of the game entitled Sound Sharads, team members are permitted to use their voices.

So Rachel and Richard, you ought to start please and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here is the mystery voice.

Mean girls.

Mean girls.

Off you go, please, Rachel and Richard.

It's two

words.

and it's a film and a musical.

Hello, Annabella.

Hi, Jocastal.

How many people are you inviting to your birthday party?

Well, I asked Serafino, Cressidol, and Evelina what they thought.

Serafino thought I should invite 23 people.

Cressidor thought I should invite 31 people.

And Evelina thought I should invite 47 people.

So how many people are you inviting?

33.667.

Two words.

I think I know what one of the words is, but that doesn't mean that.

I'm not going to do both of them.

Yeah.

Is one of the words pie?

No.

Oh.

We didn't really help you with this.

No.

No.

It could be quite nasty of us, you might have said.

Mean girls.

Yeah.

There you go.

Okay.

Your turn, Tony and Zandi.

Your title is now being exhibited

on the laser display board, and here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Trading places.

Trading places.

Okay, it's a film and it's two words.

Two words, two words.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I'd like some of your lovely fish, please.

Hmm?

And, um, are you after anything in particular?

Well, I need a large flat fish, if you have one.

Well, how about this one, sir?

Lovely.

Oh, that'll be ten pounds.

I don't suppose I could pay you with these.

What, those two smaller flat fish?

Yes.

How about the way?

I give you these two flat fish and then I take that one.

Fair enough, Doc.

Lovely.

Is it changing places?

No.

Oh, trading places.

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

The first I notice our intray crumpling under the weight of a letter.

Here comes from Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear Claudia Winkleman,

on traitors, how come you never take your hood off?

Yours sincerely, Mrs.

Trellis.

Well, on with the game, teams, and as we find ourselves in the fine city of Oxford, we're going to play according to the Oxford rules devised by that famous son of the university, Lewis Carroll.

And Carroll, of course, was noted for his nonsense stories and poems.

And in his nonsense version of the game, the progression is backwards.

Otherwise, rules are normal, except Stovold's advancement works in reverse.

So, teams, put on your thinking caps as we start the game from the end and work back towards the beginning.

So, you can start, Tony.

Okay,

Mornington Christopher.

Yeah.

Rachel?

I've won, haven't I?

No, no, no.

We have to go back to the beginning of the game.

That's the whole point.

You're going backwards.

Jack, where do we finish?

I'll tell you when you've finished.

Okay.

Bayswater.

It's a diagonal, but because we're in reverse, you're quite safe.

Oh, hang on.

Finchley Central.

Finchley Central.

Yeah, nice.

Nice, yeah.

Yes, good.

Crowd don't like it.

But remember with reverse obviously rules, right?

It is reverse.

I like it, I think the crowd are slow to pick up on that, but with.

Xandra, I think, isn't it?

Sorry.

Chadwell Heath.

Chadwell Heath, yes.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

um

well, Upton Park backwards is crap, not poo.

So that's where I'm going to go.

I'm going

to

Upton Park.

Are we nearly there, Jack?

Yeah.

No, no, I shall tell you when you're there.

Don't worry about that.

Okay.

Can I try tooting, well,

um oh no, Stubborn

Beck, Tooting Beck

Just hold your horses

because your opening was Bayswater, that would make Tooting Beck problematic as we say these days.

Broadway?

Uh no, not Broadway.

No, I know you went to Broadway first of all, but you know.

Um

Capham Common.

Yeah, that's fine.

Great.

I'm not being difficult, I just want it played properly.

Well, Canningtown.

Yes, yeah, yeah, that's

that's good, yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go New Southgate.

Okay,

New Southgate.

Yeah, yeah, go on.

Yeah, well, I thought Finsbury Park backwards, which is crappy rub sniff.

So I'll stick with that.

I'll stick with that.

Leaves me just to say, you can start, Rachel.

Acton Central.

Yes.

Acton Central.

Very good.

Take some thinking about, but, you know, hardly worth it.

And next round is called What's the Question?

In this round, I'm going to give you an answer, answer and I need to know what was the question that prompted the answer.

Rachel we'll start with you.

Here's the answer.

I need to know what the question is.

Cup full of mucus.

What was the first draft of Mary Poppins' spoonful of sugar?

It was what can a single human nose produce in a day?

A spoonful or a cupful of mucus?

Tony, here's an answer.

Need the question.

Someone with a northern accent.

Who are the royal family still barred from marrying?

It was who did BBC Radio hire in World War II to read the news in order to make it harder for the Germans to produce

fake news bulletins?

I'll tell you what's happened.

We've been bombed to eck, we have.

And Xander, here's an answer for you.

They are flirting.

What do Geordies do when they lie in the water without swimming?

Actually,

the question was: what are haddocks doing when they hum?

Richard, how about this?

Here's the answer.

I need the question.

Because his penis is so large.

Why does William Ragg text in landscape?

It's

why can't the male mosquito fish swim straight?

I know the problem.

Yeah, I said it out loud, I did.

Back to you, Rachel.

Here's the answer.

What's the question?

Little shits.

What's the name of my son's nursery?

The question was: the coprier were the gestures of the imperial Roman court, but what does their name translate as?

Tony, here's an answer.

I want the question.

They are usually more positive than the first ones.

What are the reviews of your work like after you're dead?

That's just wishful thinking, Tony.

It was what characterizes the dreams we have later in the night.

And Zanda, here's another answer I want the question for.

Failure to distinguish between red and green light.

What do cyclists and colorblindness have in common?

Yeah.

You are pretty close.

It was what is characteristic of colourblindness.

And finally, Rachel, here's the answer.

What's the question?

Shepherd of the Royal Anus.

What was Penny Morden's official role in the coronation?

The original question was, what was the name given to the doctor charged with administering enemas to the ancient Egyptian pharaohs?

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin tells us that back in the day, he played with the Mamas and the Papas for several years.

Apparently, he found it hard to make friends his own age.

But you can go first, Tony and Zander.

Can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Have you never been to an Oxford United game before?

Oh, baby, baby, how was I supposed to know?

Well, you never got your money back from the last Nigerian prince, did you?

She packed my bag last night, pre-flight.

So, someone else packed your bags.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you to step,

love,

love,

love,

love,

love,

love, love.

And that's another British seed out of Wimbledon.

Hold me close and hold me fast.

The magic spell you cast.

This is La Vienn Rose.

Actually, I think it's Lynx Africa.

Shake it up, baby.

Now, shake it up, baby.

Twist and shout, twist and shout.

Will you leave my testicles alone?

I shot the sheriff,

but I did not shoot the deputy.

Yeah, I wouldn't use that to open your defense.

Okay.

Your turn now, Rachel and Richie.

Can we have your first line medley now, please?

There is

a house

in New Orleans.

Yeah, we're looking more around the Headington area, really.

You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, What will I be?

Will I be pretty?

Will I be rich?

Here's what she said to me.

No.

We're talking away.

I don't know what I'm to say, I'll say it anyway.

Would you like to know the love of the Lord Jesus?

I've been cheated by you since I don't know when

So I made up my mind it must come to an end Nationalize the water companies

I'm nothing special in fact I'm a bit of a bore

If I tell a joke you've probably heard it before

But I have a talent a wonderful thing pay me an extra fiverr and I'll hit that budgie with the ping pong ball

I see trees of green

red roses too

I see them bloom

for me and you

and I think to myself Didcot looks quite different on mushrooms.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom.

Switch it off and switch it on again.

Well, she was just 17.

You know what I mean?

Sorry, did you say thin crust, Your Royal Highness?

Well,

it's very nearly the end of the show.

There is just time to squeeze in a quick round of funeral or bedroom.

Death comes to us all, as one or two of our team members have already discovered this evening.

However, there have been some disturbing reports of unregulated crematoria conducting pet cremations alongside human cremations.

A few weeks ago, I received a package containing my grandmother's ashes.

I thought something was odd after opening it and inadvertently shaking the urn inside.

Try as I might, I couldn't ever remember Granny wearing a bell.

In this round, I'd like the teams to come up with examples of phrases that might be overheard both at a funeral and also in the bedroom.

You can start this, Tony.

How long is this going to last?

Zander.

Who invited them?

Rachel.

It's not what I would choose, but it's what he wanted.

Richard.

Is the live stream working?

Is that your father on the organ?

Things just won't be the same without your nan.

It was all very sudden.

I'm so sorry that you had to come under these circumstances.

It was so moving.

I had a lump in my throat at one point.

Curtains open or closed.

So, what are we going to do with the dog?

Would you like a slow peel, Vicar?

Do you have a tissue?

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I discovered she was alive.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as old Father Thames carries the shifting tides of time out towards the ocean of oblivion, and with them the interminable turds of eternity,

I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the team, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Oxford, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Rachel Parris, Tony Hawkes, Alexander Armstrong, and Richard Coles were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Common Cell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.