Series 84 - 1. Catchphrase

Speaker 1 We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

Speaker 1 At the piano is Colin Sowell and your chairman is Jack Dee.

Speaker 1 Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

Speaker 2 You join us this week on a visit to Southampton, the city known throughout the world as Gateway to 1983.

Speaker 2 Founded in July 1299, Southampton is home to the UK's oldest bowling green.

Speaker 2 Still thriving today, the bowling green is particularly popular with supporters of Southampton Football Club who visit for the opportunity of seeing top-quality high-octane sport played on grass.

Speaker 2 Southampton FC was founded in 1885 and in 2001 moved from the Old Dell to their current ground at St. Mary's.
St.

Speaker 2 Mary's increased the stadium capacity from 15,000 seats to 32,000, a move that allowed Southampton's 15,000 fans to really stretch out.

Speaker 2 Southampton's Rose Bowl is the home of Hampshire County Cricket Club.

Speaker 2 Once known as the Aegeus Bowl, it's now referred to as the Utilita Bowl after the collapse of a lucrative sponsorship deal with Armitage Shanks.

Speaker 2 The Hobbit is a famous Southampton pub inspired by the books of Tolkien and popular with students.

Speaker 2 On themed nights, one can enjoy a pint surrounded by orcs and trolls or if the pubs closed a very similar experience can be had at the Wetherspoons in London Road.

Speaker 2 Sprinkles is Southampton's famous gelato ice cream cellar which prides itself in creating unusual flavours and toppings that you won't find anywhere else.

Speaker 2 Sprinkles is actually the nickname given to the old man who serves the ice cream

Speaker 2 due to his chronic eczema.

Speaker 2 Southampton is one of the last places in the UK to employ a town crier.

Speaker 2 Alan Spencer can regularly be found in the city centre carrying out his official crier duties in the pub telling old parrot jokes.

Speaker 2 Let's meet the teams. On my left, please welcome Marcus Brigstock and Rachel Parris.

Speaker 2 On my right, Marles Cutt and Adrian Edmondson.

Speaker 2 And taking a place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Speaker 2 Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about quotes. In this round, I'd like you please to suggest well-known quotes that would be ruined by the simple change of a single word.

Speaker 2 You can start this, Marcus.

Speaker 4 Onwards and up yours.

Speaker 2 Rachel.

Speaker 5 When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or in Sainsbury's.

Speaker 2 Adrian.

Speaker 6 Abandon all hope, ye who enter Southampton.

Speaker 7 Miles. Yippee kaye, Mother Superior.

Speaker 5 We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at your tits.

Speaker 6 There is nothing, absolutely nothing, half so much worth doing as simply messing about in your pants.

Speaker 7 What doesn't kill us makes us immunocompromised.

Speaker 6 Tis better to have farted and lost

Speaker 6 than never to have farted at all.

Speaker 5 It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a good pegging.

Speaker 6 They may take our lives, but they will never take our accents.

Speaker 7 Houston, we have a need to enter into a workplace problem-solving strategy within a strictly limited time frame.

Speaker 4 Do one poo every day that scares you.

Speaker 5 A lot of trauma response happening in the room.

Speaker 2 Well, time now.

Speaker 2 Time for a musical round now, as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

Speaker 2 Which reminds me, at the piano we have Colin Sell.

Speaker 2 Incidentally, you'll be surprised to hear that a performance by Colin at London's Wigmore Halls sits alongside heavy metal band Motorhead in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Speaker 2 Motorhead for loudest amplified band, Colin for quietest box office.

Speaker 2 Okay, start with you, Miles Jupp. I'd like you to sing the words of I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly to the tune of Can You Feel the Love Tonight from the Lion King?

Speaker 7 I know an old lady who swallowed a fly

Speaker 7 I don't know why she swallowed a fly perhaps she'll die

Speaker 7 I know an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and jiggled and tinkled inside her

Speaker 7 she swallowed the spider to

Speaker 7 to who catch the fly.

Speaker 7 I don't know why she swallowed the fly.

Speaker 7 Perhaps she'll die.

Speaker 3 I know an old lady

Speaker 7 swallowed a bird.

Speaker 7 How absurd to swallow the bird.

Speaker 7 She swallowed the bird to catch the spider.

Speaker 3 I know an old lady

Speaker 7 who swallowed swallowed a fly

Speaker 7 I don't know why she swallowed a fly but I

Speaker 3 shall

Speaker 3 die

Speaker 3 Thank you Miles, okay

Speaker 2 You now, Marcus Brigstock, and I'd like you please to sing the words of the Postman Pat theme

Speaker 2 to the tune of Bring Him Home from Les Miserate.

Speaker 2 Postman Pat,

Speaker 2 Postman Pat,

Speaker 2 Postman Pat

Speaker 8 and his black and white cat

Speaker 8 early

Speaker 8 the morning

Speaker 8 just as David

Speaker 8 is torning

Speaker 8 he picks up

Speaker 8 all the postbags

Speaker 8 in his bun

Speaker 8 Postman Pat, oh, postman pat

Speaker 8 Postman Pat and his black and white cat

Speaker 8 all the birds are singing

Speaker 8 and the day

Speaker 8 is just beginning.

Speaker 8 Pat feels he's a really

Speaker 3 happy.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you, Marcus.

Speaker 2 Adrian Edmondson, now I'd like you to sing the words of Relax by Frankie Ghost of Hollywood to the tune of my grandfather's clock.

Speaker 6 Relax, don't do it when you want to go to it. Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 6 Relax, don't do it when you want to suck it to it. Relax, don't do it

Speaker 6 when you want to come or when you want to come.

Speaker 6 Relax, don't do it when you want to go to it.

Speaker 6 Relax, don't do it. When you want to come, relax, don't do it.

Speaker 6 But shoot it in the right direction.

Speaker 6 Making it your intention.

Speaker 6 Live those dreams, scheme those schemes. Got to hit me, hit me with those laser beams.

Speaker 2 Absolute filth, and I think you know it.

Speaker 2 And finally, Rachel Paris, I'd like you please to sing the words of What Does the Fox Say by Ilvis

Speaker 2 to the tune of the theme from Skyfall by Adele.

Speaker 2 Dog goes woof,

Speaker 3 cat goes meow, bird goes tweet,

Speaker 3 and mouse goes squeak and cow goes moo,

Speaker 3 frog goes croak and elephant

Speaker 3 goes to

Speaker 3 duck say quack,

Speaker 3 and fish go blub and the seal goes

Speaker 3 Ow, wow, wow, but there's one sound

Speaker 3 There's one sound that no

Speaker 3 one knows

Speaker 3 What does the fox say?

Speaker 3 Ring, ding a ding ding

Speaker 5 ding a ding ding ding a ding ding

Speaker 5 ding wah pa pa pa

Speaker 5 pa pa pa pa

Speaker 5 hotty hotty

Speaker 5 hold a ding a ding a ding what the fox say

Speaker 5 what

Speaker 5 the fox

Speaker 5 say

Speaker 5 what the folks say

Speaker 2 This next round concerns TV game shows. My current favorite is The Wheel.

Speaker 2 If you've not heard of it, it's hosted by Michael McIntyre, who asks trivia questions of celebrities while they spin around the set on a giant wheel.

Speaker 2 And I can tell a few blank faces out there in the audience still, so I'm clearly going to have to explain further.

Speaker 2 The wheel is a circular component that rotates on an axle enabling movement in vehicles and machines. So something for some of you out there to take home with you as you walk back to Portsmouth.

Speaker 2 Anyway, the round's called Catchphrase, and it's similar to the television game show of the same name.

Speaker 2 Each team has to guess as many well-known sayings, expressions, or idioms as possible against the clock from clues provided by their opponents.

Speaker 2 And the answer to each clue will be shown in advance to our theatre audience via the laser display board and to listeners at home via the mystery voice.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you will be our first contestants, Rachel and Marcus. Miles and Adrian will act out short clues for each of your catchphrases.
So, Marcus and Rachel, your time starts now.

Speaker 9 A show of hands.

Speaker 7 It was a brilliant production. Yes.

Speaker 6 Story by Hans Christian Anderson, music by Hans Zimmermann, and design by Hans Holberg.

Speaker 4 Many hands make like work? No. Helping hands?

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 4 Hands in the air.

Speaker 5 Hands, hands, hands.

Speaker 2 Many guesses make a long show.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 It was a show of hands. A show of hands.
Show of hands, yeah, you see, here. This is a a hard one to start with.
Here's another one for you to go at.

Speaker 9 Casting Aspersions.

Speaker 6 Miles, what have you been up to then?

Speaker 7 I have been conducting auditions for my new play.

Speaker 6 Ooh, what's it called?

Speaker 7 Aspersions.

Speaker 7 Ah!

Speaker 2 Is it casting aspersions? It is correct, is.

Speaker 2 Here's another one for you.

Speaker 9 They're hopping mad.

Speaker 7 So, uh, tell us, Warden, what is unusual about the inmates in your asylum?

Speaker 6 Well, they're all completely insane, of course. The difference is they only have one leg.

Speaker 2 Hoppy Matt. They're Hoppy Mat.

Speaker 2 And another one, thank you.

Speaker 9 He's coming out of his shell.

Speaker 6 At first, I thought he was very shy.

Speaker 7 There's nothing shy about the way he's removing his shiny matching polyester top and elasticated trousers.

Speaker 2 Something strip?

Speaker 5 No. Something about a superhero?

Speaker 2 Bold.

Speaker 2 Audience are going to help them out.

Speaker 2 Well done. Well said.
Yeah. Move on.

Speaker 2 He's coming out of his shell. Here's another one.

Speaker 9 The ball's in your court.

Speaker 7 As a result of the attack, my client lost a testicle, Millard,

Speaker 7 which you may see here as exhibit B.

Speaker 4 B-ball.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No. The ball's in your court.
In your court.

Speaker 2 So here's another one.

Speaker 4 Very clever when you know. Yeah.

Speaker 9 No strings attached.

Speaker 7 Why are none of them moving?

Speaker 6 I don't know, but this is the worst episode of Thunderbirds I have ever seen.

Speaker 5 No strings attached.

Speaker 2 On to the next one, please.

Speaker 9 Going behind his back.

Speaker 7 I'm told his is so long he can pass water over his shoulder.

Speaker 4 Is it going behind his back?

Speaker 4 Well done.

Speaker 2 But the fun isn't over yet

Speaker 2 because now it's the turn of Miles and Aide to be guessing and Marcus and Rachel to give us their catchphrases. So can we have the first title, please?

Speaker 9 It's not rocket science.

Speaker 10 I hear you are experimenting on lettuce in the laboratory now.

Speaker 5 Yes, but we only analyze romaine, cos and iceberg.

Speaker 10 Ah, so nothing with a slightly bitter peppery aftertaste.

Speaker 3 No!

Speaker 5 Nothing like that!

Speaker 6 But it's not rocket science.

Speaker 2 Next one, please.

Speaker 9 Too big for your boots.

Speaker 5 I'm sorry, but your body's so large you can't fit through the door.

Speaker 4 Well then I'll simply have to go to another chemist.

Speaker 4 It's a shame I normally come here to get the advantage.

Speaker 7 Card points. Oh, he's too big for his boots.

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 And the next one, please.

Speaker 9 Blue in the face.

Speaker 4 Oh, I love your foundation. What is it?

Speaker 5 It's Smurf by L'Oreal Paris.

Speaker 7 Blue face? That's not a phrase, is it?

Speaker 2 Blue in the face.

Speaker 7 Blue in the face.

Speaker 2 Time for just one more.

Speaker 9 Adding insult to injury.

Speaker 4 Are you sure it's broken, Doctor?

Speaker 5 I'm sure, and also you're a twat.

Speaker 2 Broken patience. It's adding insult to injury.

Speaker 2 Well, time is up, I'm afraid.

Speaker 2 So, on to the next round, and this is all about getting children to read.

Speaker 2 Most parents these days treat their TV or iPad as a glorified child child minder, so it's just as well responsible channels like CBB's are prepared to broadcast educational content.

Speaker 2 My favourite program of theirs is a cautionary cartoon aimed at Preschoolers, which features a big inner-city dog with addiction issues. It's called Hey Druggy.

Speaker 2 Okay, the round's called Complete Children's Books, and in it, teams, I'll provide you each with the openings to some classics of children's literature, each interrupted mid-sentence.

Speaker 2 Your job is to try to guess how each sentence finishes. Rachel, you can be the first one.
Can you finish this opening sentence? It's from Winnie the Pooh. A.A.
Milne's Winnie the Pooh.

Speaker 2 Here is Edward Bear coming down the stairs now. Bump, bump, bump.

Speaker 5 Pissed again.

Speaker 2 On the back of his head behind Christopher Robin, I suppose.

Speaker 2 Marcus, this is the first line from Michael Bond's Paddington Bear. Mr.
and Mrs. Brown first met Paddington on a speed awareness course

Speaker 2 on a railway platform. Miles, this is from Francis Hodgman Burnett's The Secret Garden.
Can you finish the opening sentence?

Speaker 2 When Mary Lennox was sent to Mistlethwaite Manor to live with her uncle, everybody said.

Speaker 7 Oh, I'd heard he was on some sort of register.

Speaker 2 Everybody said she was the most disagreeable-looking child ever seen.

Speaker 2 And now for you, Adrian, can he complete this? It's from Little Miss Sunshine by Roger Hargreaves. Little Miss Sunshine had been on holiday.
She'd had a lovely time, and now she was pregnant.

Speaker 2 Oh dear.

Speaker 2 Now she was driving home. Well look, here are some for any of you to have a go at.

Speaker 2 This one's from Topsy and Tim Go on a Train by Jean Adamson. Topsy and Tim were going to visit their granny.
Mummy decided they would go by train. They were very excited and helped to pack their bags.

Speaker 4 When they got to the station, they eagerly climbed into the bus replacement service.

Speaker 2 He says, when they got to the station, there were lots of people and trains everywhere. And what do you expect?

Speaker 2 Sorry, I said that out loud. I didn't mean to.

Speaker 2 This one's from The Tiger Who Came to Tea by Judith Carr.

Speaker 2 Once there was a little girl called Sophie. She was having tea with her mummy in the kitchen.
Suddenly there was a ring at the door.

Speaker 5 Sophie's mummy said, Can I just sit down for five minutes

Speaker 5 on my own without answering the bloody door?

Speaker 5 Is that right?

Speaker 2 Sounds like someone else should be pulling their weight, Rachel, are they?

Speaker 2 No, in fact, what she says is, I wonder who that could be.

Speaker 2 How about this one? This is Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl.
Down in the valley, there were three farms. The owners of these farms had done well.
They were rich men. They were also nasty men.

Speaker 2 All three of them were about as nasty and mean as any men you could meet. Their names were Farmer Boggis, Farmer Bunts, and Jeremy Clarkson.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 2 Farmer Bean.

Speaker 2 And another one, this is from Mr. Funny by Roger Hargreaves.
Mr. Funny lives in a teapot and drives a car that looks like a shoe.

Speaker 6 He likes nothing better than being the leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Speaker 2 He likes nothing better than making other people laugh. And finally, can you give us the end of this sentence? It's from Rumble in the Jungle by Giles André.

Speaker 2 There's a rumble in the jungle, there's a whisper in the trees.

Speaker 7 There's a man who's looking happy and a lady on her knees.

Speaker 7 Just tell me of Unclose.

Speaker 2 Deserti, the animals are waking up and rustling the leaves.

Speaker 2 Well that's just about the end of the show.

Speaker 2 But in celebration of local boy Rishi Sunak's upbringing in a Southampton chemist's, there is just time to fit in a quick round of Pharmacists Film Club.

Speaker 2 Samantha's a regular at her local chemists, where she says the gentleman pharmacist is happy to help with anything from a tickly cough to family planning.

Speaker 2 For the former, she says she was delighted to be given something to suck on three times a day.

Speaker 2 And when she told him she hadn't seen their pamphlet on planned parenthood, he kindly gave her one over the counter.

Speaker 2 That was sent in by Rachel Reeves.

Speaker 2 You'd think she'd have better things to do with the time, wouldn't you?

Speaker 2 Anyway, in this round, teams, I'd like you please to suggest the titles of films likely to be enjoyed by an audience of pharmacists. Rachel, you can start this.

Speaker 5 Gavis gone with the wind.

Speaker 6 Adrian. Bridge Over the River KY

Speaker 7 Miles. TCP with Mussolini.

Speaker 2 Marcus?

Speaker 4 Das Boots

Speaker 7 Gorillas and the Chemist

Speaker 7 Just admire the craft. They're admiring the craft.

Speaker 4 With nail and ibuprofen.

Speaker 5 The tampon of the opera.

Speaker 6 Terms of ensmearment.

Speaker 5 The nutty prophylactic.

Speaker 6 Who framed Roger Rabbit dual action G-Spot on special?

Speaker 7 You've really been through your medicine covered, haven't you?

Speaker 5 Invasion of the body form snatchers.

Speaker 6 Broke back mouthwash.

Speaker 7 Innisole farm.

Speaker 4 Bridget Jones's Diaralite.

Speaker 6 Bring me the head and shoulders of Alfredo Garcia.

Speaker 2 And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the Tylenol of Time is tossed into the swing top of serenity on the insistence of the Permatan tyrant of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

Speaker 2 So, from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Southampton, it's goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Marcus Brigstock, Miles Juck, Rachel Parris, and Abe Edmondson were being given steamy things to do by Jack D, with Colin Sowell setting some of them to music. The program is devised by Graham Garden.

Speaker 1 The script consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Naismith.