Series 84 - 5. Joe Lycett makes his debut

Speaker 1 We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the Antidote to Panel Games.

Speaker 1 At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dee.

Speaker 4 Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue at the Royal Festival Hall. This fine concert hall was completed in 1951 as part of the Festival of Britain exhibition.

Speaker 4 Amongst the UK's brightest exports championed at the Festival of Britain was the BBC.

Speaker 4 Lord Reith, the corporation's first director general, said the purpose of the BBC was to inform, educate, give them hell and storm Parliament.

Speaker 4 Don't worry, this is the BBC. We can change that in the edit.

Speaker 4 The first British televised colour transmission was made by the BBC from the Royal Festival Hall. The transmission featured people in bright costumes to showcase the novelty of colour.

Speaker 4 Sadly, this colour technology has yet to be adapted for radio, which means listeners at home are currently unable to fully appreciate the exciting dynamism of Colin Sell's mud-coloured jumper.

Speaker 4 Who knew the British Art Foundation did Black Friday?

Speaker 4 London's South Bank has a long history.

Speaker 4 In 1016 AD, this area was besieged by Viking marauders who sailed up the Thames, looting local communities and putting many townsfolk ruthlessly to the sword on the orders of their king.

Speaker 4 He was called Canut the Great, at least he was in the chronicles of Anglo-Saxon historian Ethelston the Dyslexic.

Speaker 4 From medieval times until the 17th century, the Bishop of Winchester owned numerous licensed brothels along the south bank.

Speaker 4 Under the bishop's ownership, prostitutes were known as Winchester geese, and contracting a venereal disease was commonly referred to as being bitten by a Winchester goose.

Speaker 4 Of course, you're very unlikely to be bitten by a Winchester goose in London today, though I do hear that on parts of Hampstead Heath, it's not uncommon to be goosed by a London bishop.

Speaker 4 Close by here is the famous Waterloo Station, which was the London terminus of the Eurostar service before it was moved to St Pancras.

Speaker 4 In fact, when the Channel Tunnel opened in 1994, the British government arranged a special inaugural journey from Paris to London.

Speaker 4 After President Mitterrand was first greeted at Waterloo Station before being driven via Trafalgar Square, he began to suspect someone was trying to make a point

Speaker 4 as he sat down to lunch at the Surrender Monkey Bistro.

Speaker 4 When Waterloo Station opened in 1848, the first train to depart travelled at a top speed of 15 miles per hour, a record that still stands to this day.

Speaker 4 Let's meet the teams.

Speaker 4 On my left, please welcome Pippa Evans and Richard Coles.

Speaker 4 And on my right, Tony Hawks and Joe Lysit.

Speaker 4 And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Speaker 4 Well, we begin this week with a round called New Company Slogans, and in it, I'd like you please to suggest more honest advertising slogans for some of our best-known companies and products.

Speaker 4 You can start this, Tony.

Speaker 3 The US government may contain nuts.

Speaker 4 Pippa.

Speaker 6 British Airways, we're not happy till you're not happy.

Speaker 2 Joe, Cowpole, tranquilize your kids.

Speaker 7 And Richard, ombre Solaire, smear it, sear it, saute it.

Speaker 3 Thames Mortar, we're full of shit.

Speaker 2 GB News, we're right, we're white, we're on all day and night.

Speaker 7 Mount Jaro, worry your friends with sudden weight loss.

Speaker 6 Emodium, get your shit together.

Speaker 2 Boeing, our latest product just dropped.

Speaker 7 Dunwich College Combined Cadet Force. Tomorrow belongs to me.

Speaker 6 Tupperware, why throw your food out tonight when you can throw it out in three days' time?

Speaker 4 Okay, it's time for me to ask the teams to sing for us now. And where, I wonder, would a game show be without great music? That's right, Radio 4.

Speaker 4 The rounds called One Song to the Tune of Another, and

Speaker 4 at the piano we have Colin Sell.

Speaker 4 Incidentally, Colin tells us that he was recently on stage with both the Hives and the Flaming Lips. That all calmed down after a double dose of antihistamine.

Speaker 4 We'll start with you, Tony Hawkes. I'd like you to sing the words of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen to the tune of Let's Go Fly a Kite from Mary Poppins.

Speaker 5 Is this the real life?

Speaker 3 Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality.

Speaker 3 Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see.

Speaker 3 I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy

Speaker 3 because I'm easy, come, easy, go.

Speaker 3 Little high, little low.

Speaker 3 Any way the wind blows, doesn't really matter

Speaker 3 to me, to me.

Speaker 3 Mama just killed a man.

Speaker 3 Put a gun against his head.

Speaker 3 Pull my trigger, now he's dead.

Speaker 3 Mama, life had just begun.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 5 now I'm gone and thrown it all away.

Speaker 8 Mama, oh, did we need

Speaker 8 to

Speaker 8 make you cry?

Speaker 4 You now, Joe Lysich, I'd like you to sing the words of the teddy bear's picnic to the tune of Wichita Lineman.

Speaker 9 If you go down in the woods today,

Speaker 9 you're sure of a big surprise.

Speaker 9 If you go down in the woods today, you better go in disguise.

Speaker 9 For every bear that ever there was

Speaker 9 will gather there for certain because

Speaker 9 today's the day the teddy bears

Speaker 9 have their picnics

Speaker 9 there's lots of marvellous things to eat and wonderful games to play

Speaker 9 Beneath the trees where nobody sees

Speaker 9 They'll hide and seek as long as they please

Speaker 9 Cause that's the way the jetty bears

Speaker 9 have their picnics

Speaker 4 Making his debut performance on the show. Thank you, Joe.

Speaker 4 Your turn, Richard Coles, I'd like you to sing the words of Relax by Frankie Ghost to Hollywood

Speaker 4 to the tune of Ruler of the Queen's Navy from Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore.

Speaker 7 Relax, don't do it when you want to go to it. Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 7 Relax, don't do it when you want to suck it to it. Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 5 Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 7 But shoot it in the right direction. We're making it your intention.

Speaker 5 Shoot it in the right direction.

Speaker 7 Relax, don't do it when you want to go to it. Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 7 Relax, don't do it when you want to suck it to it. Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 5 Relax, don't do it when you want to come.

Speaker 7 Live those dreams, scheme those schemes. Gotta hit me, hit me, hit me with those laser beams.

Speaker 5 Live those dreams, scheme those schemes. Gotta hit me, hit me, hit me with those laser beams.

Speaker 4 And finally, finally, Pippa Evans, I'd like you to sing the words of the ugly duckling to the tune of The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush.

Speaker 6 There once was an ugly duckling

Speaker 6 with feathers all starry and brown.

Speaker 6 And the other birds, in so many words, said quack, quack, get out of town.

Speaker 6 Quack, quack, get out, quack, quack.

Speaker 6 Get out, quack, quack, get out

Speaker 6 of town. And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack.
In a flurry of iron dumb

Speaker 6 that Paulie Luckley Douglas

Speaker 6 went wandering far and near.

Speaker 6 But every place they did to its face.

Speaker 6 Now quack, quack, get outta here.

Speaker 6 Quack, quack, get up, quack, quack.

Speaker 6 Get up, quack, quack, get out of here.

Speaker 6 And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack and a very unhappy team.

Speaker 4 Well, I liked it.

Speaker 4 This next round is called Word for Word, and it's all about words. Only the other day, I read an interesting fact about the English language.

Speaker 4 Apparently, if you were to list out loud all the numbers from one onwards, you wouldn't use the letter B until the word billion. I tried it myself, and it's actually not true.

Speaker 4 I barely passed the number 98 before I said bollocks to this.

Speaker 4 In this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Speaker 4 Okay, so I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words. Richard and Pippa.

Speaker 4 Tony and Joe, it's your job to try to spot a connection, and if I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over. Okay, so off you go, Richard and Pippa.

Speaker 7 Topieri.

Speaker 6 Butter.

Speaker 7 Marjoram.

Speaker 4 Joe, you came in with a connection between butter and marjoram.

Speaker 2 I heard margarine.

Speaker 2 And I think butter and margarine are quite similar, and so marjoram is quite similar.

Speaker 4 Yes, but is that going to go on throughout the game when you'll just say, I heard something

Speaker 4 and you'll make a connection?

Speaker 2 Quite possibly, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Butter and marjoram, because they're both edible.

Speaker 2 I heard you say, correct answer, Joe.

Speaker 4 I can't take this insubordination. No, I'm not going to allow that.
I'm sorry, Joe, even though you are a new boy to the show, and I'm not going to have that. So back to you, Richard and Pippa, yeah.

Speaker 7 Pantomime Satsuma.

Speaker 6 Fantastic.

Speaker 4 Tony, Satsuma fantastic.

Speaker 3 Everybody knows that the best fruit by far is the Satsuma. I don't think it is.

Speaker 5 Fantastic.

Speaker 4 It's a fantastic fruit. Given that it's this time of year, I think we can allow that.

Speaker 4 It is a nice, it's a well-known fruit, and everyone likes it.

Speaker 2 It's a well-known fruit. Yes.

Speaker 7 Oh, no, it isn't.

Speaker 4 So I'll allow you that. Joe and Tony, you can take over.

Speaker 3 Phlegme.

Speaker 2 Crisps.

Speaker 4 Pippa.

Speaker 6 Phlegme crisps. Packet of cheese and onion.
It does tend to create a reaction to the lactose,

Speaker 6 and then phlegm is created.

Speaker 7 Oh,

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas.

Speaker 6 Anyone who's dairy-free has to not eat any flavour of crisps other than plain. That's a true fact because they use lactose to attach the flavouring.

Speaker 7 So there's no dairy in the cheese in the cheese.

Speaker 6 There's no dairy in the cheese. No, no, it's just cheese in in the cheese.

Speaker 4 If it stops me going on about it, I'll allow you to find

Speaker 4 over to you, Richard and Pippa.

Speaker 7 Meccano.

Speaker 6 Fire.

Speaker 2 Joe. Meccano fire is a farrow and ball colour.

Speaker 4 I accept that. I think that's probably quite right.

Speaker 4 It is a farrow and ball colour. So it's over to you, Joe and Tony.

Speaker 3 Henpeck.

Speaker 2 Shrew.

Speaker 4 Pippa, Henpeck, Shrew.

Speaker 6 Two descriptions of my mother.

Speaker 3 Who's in the fifth row? Hi.

Speaker 4 Well, take your word for it. So, yes, over to you, Richard and Pippa.

Speaker 6 Flapjack.

Speaker 4 And the sound of the gong tells us that it's tea time at Collins Digs.

Speaker 4 And that is the end of that round. Thank you, teams.

Speaker 4 Well, Well this next round is all about TV game shows. One of the nation's best loved TV game show hosts was Bruce Forsyth.

Speaker 4 Every week we'd hear Bruce E saying higher lower higher lower and come on down my dear, two catchphrases he developed during a brief stint working for air traffic control.

Speaker 4 However, the game show we'll be playing is called catchphrase and in our version of catchphrase each team has to guess as many well-known sayings, expressions or idioms as possible against the clock from clues provided by their opponents.

Speaker 4 So you'll be our first contestants, Tony and Joe.

Speaker 4 Pippa and Richard will act out short clues for each of your catchphrases and your job is simply to guess as many of the catchphrases as you can before your time is up.

Speaker 4 So Tony and Joe, your time starts now.

Speaker 10 The Great Unwashed.

Speaker 7 I see you've cleaned the room from top to bottom with your brush and bucket of soapy water.

Speaker 6 Yes, I've scrubbed every inch except that metal thing in the fireplace.

Speaker 3 Don't do something with the great.

Speaker 5 Yes.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Keep going.

Speaker 3 Don't dirty the great. No, what?

Speaker 3 Somebody's going to try and help me in the...

Speaker 4 Keep going. The audience are on the edge of their patience.

Speaker 4 It's

Speaker 4 the great unwashed. Oh, you made it very clear you're so nearly there, but actually not.

Speaker 4 Next one, please.

Speaker 10 A fate worse than death.

Speaker 6 Oh, what a splendid fundraising event for the church this is, Vicar.

Speaker 6 A tombola, a hoopla, and bric-a-brac stands. Even guess the weight of the potato.
You must be thrilled.

Speaker 7 Actually, Deirdre, I'd rather be dead.

Speaker 4 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 You two are on fire, aren't you?

Speaker 4 Or is that just wishful thinking?

Speaker 4 It was a fate worse than death.

Speaker 5 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Okay, next one, please.

Speaker 10 Point Percy at the porcelain.

Speaker 6 Hello, Harold's Dinnerware Department.

Speaker 7 Oh, hello, Janine. It's Nigel from the food hall.
I've got a Mr. Sledge with me from America.
You know the RB singer. Would you be an angel and direct him to the fine China?

Speaker 6 Not a problem.

Speaker 3 Pointing Percy

Speaker 3 at the porcelain.

Speaker 5 Okay, next one.

Speaker 10 Piss or get off the pot.

Speaker 4 It's the last one, have a go at it.

Speaker 7 Deirdre, what on earth are you doing with the tea set?

Speaker 6 I'm so sorry, Vicar, There's someone in the lavatory.

Speaker 7 Well, hurry up. I need to put the tea bags in that.

Speaker 2 I haven't got a pot to piss in.

Speaker 4 Not 100 miles away from it.

Speaker 2 Shit in a kettle?

Speaker 4 We're not coming around to your house for tea, that's for sure.

Speaker 4 It's piss or get off the pot. That was a good idea.
Well done, yeah. So that's the

Speaker 5 last one there.

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 it says here, well done, Tony and Joe.

Speaker 4 Okay, it's your turn to do the guessing now, Pippa and Richard. And the first of your catchphrases will now be displayed to our theatre audience via the ladies of the display board.

Speaker 4 While here for listeners at home is the mystery voice.

Speaker 10 Roll with the punches.

Speaker 10 Ow!

Speaker 10 Ow!

Speaker 10 Ow!

Speaker 2 And would sir care for this bap as well?

Speaker 4 Yeah, so it's rolled with the punches. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Next up, please.

Speaker 10 Blowing one's own horn.

Speaker 3 How on earth are you able to do that?

Speaker 2 I'm actually double-jointed.

Speaker 3 Well, it's your trombone, so you keep playing it.

Speaker 6 Blowing your own horn?

Speaker 4 Blowing one's own horn. And another one, please?

Speaker 10 No sweat.

Speaker 4 Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 Hello, Mr. Windsor.

Speaker 3 Good afternoon.

Speaker 2 What have you been working out?

Speaker 3 How How can you tell?

Speaker 7 No sweat. No sweat.

Speaker 4 No sweat.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 And another one, please.

Speaker 10 Ask About Tit.

Speaker 2 Have you read that new book about the human breast in our society, culture and art? Who's it by? Boris Johnson.

Speaker 6 Is it Ass Over Tit?

Speaker 5 Ass about Tit.

Speaker 4 Ass about tit.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I think we let you have that one.

Speaker 4 Oh boys, I'm afraid time is up.

Speaker 4 The next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers. Panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

Speaker 4 It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether. So you can go first, please.

Speaker 4 Pippa and Richard, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Speaker 8 Sweetness,

Speaker 7 sweetness. I was only joking when I said

Speaker 7 I'd like to smash every tooth in your head.

Speaker 6 No, it's fine. I've just never been to an NHS dentist before.

Speaker 6 Red, red wine

Speaker 6 goes through my head.

Speaker 6 Makes me forget that I

Speaker 7 have to pick up the kids from the nursery.

Speaker 7 Well, you can tell by the way, I keep swap walk.

Speaker 6 I'm a woman's man. Oh, well, I got that all wrong, Richard.

Speaker 5 Woman,

Speaker 7 I can hardly express

Speaker 7 my mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness.

Speaker 7 After all, I'm forever in your debt.

Speaker 6 You could start by learning my name.

Speaker 7 You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain.

Speaker 6 It's the ketamine, Elon.

Speaker 7 Wake up, Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you.

Speaker 6 Quiet, Dennis, this lady's not for turning over.

Speaker 7 So this is Christmas,

Speaker 7 and what have you done?

Speaker 6 I have bought all the presents.

Speaker 6 I have wrapped them and cooked the food.

Speaker 5 What have you done, Chris Baton, Ban?

Speaker 4 Tony, and Joe. Can we have your first line medley now, please?

Speaker 3 People say I'm the life of the party, cause I tell a joke or two.

Speaker 2 No, they don't, Tony.

Speaker 9 I never meant to cause you any sorrow

Speaker 3 I never meant to cause you any pain and yet that's the best budget you could come up with

Speaker 3 I know it's late

Speaker 3 I know you're weary

Speaker 3 I know your plans

Speaker 3 don't include me Spot on.

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 3 I don't like the laughs these are getting.

Speaker 3 Her hair is hollow gold.

Speaker 3 Her lips are sweet surprise.

Speaker 3 Her hands are never cold.

Speaker 2 And there's this easy inflate nozzle on her back.

Speaker 3 Some people call me the space cowboy.

Speaker 3 Some people call me the gangster of love.

Speaker 2 Okay, Brian, but for the company brochure, I'm going to stick with head of accounts.

Speaker 3 And we can build this dream together, standing strong forever. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Speaker 2 Sorry, this room's been booked for another meeting.

Speaker 2 Set me free, why don't you, baby?

Speaker 3 Because I don't work for the Prison Service Migrant Detention Department.

Speaker 3 It started with a kiss.

Speaker 3 Never thought it would come to this.

Speaker 2 Living alone in a small cottage in Sandringham.

Speaker 2 And now

Speaker 2 the end is

Speaker 3 nearer than you think.

Speaker 4 And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the panorama of perversity invokes the phantom of fake news and the director general of destiny flashes his C V down the toilet of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

Speaker 4 So, from the teams, Samantha, and our audience here at the Royal Festival Hall in London, it's goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Cody Hawks, Pippa Evans, Richard Coles, and Joe Lysett will be given Silly Things to Do by Jack Lee, with Colin Sowell setting some of them to music. The program is devised by Baron Darden.

Speaker 1 The script consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Naismith.