Series 84 - Seafood Film Club

Speaker 1 We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

Speaker 1 At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Speaker 2 Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue. You join us this week on a visit to Hull,

Speaker 2 a city famous worldwide for its tourist board slogan, move on, nothing to see here.

Speaker 2 Geographically remote visitors often complain Hull is difficult to get to. I had my own trouble getting to Hull as I accidentally typed hell into my sat-nav.

Speaker 2 Still got here though.

Speaker 2 Hull is one of the most obese cities in the UK

Speaker 2 with 75% of adults overweight compared to the national average of 64%

Speaker 2 and geographically Hull is one of the lowest lying cities in the UK.

Speaker 2 Perhaps if the locals bothered to eat a salad once in a while it wouldn't be.

Speaker 2 Hull has a Victorian elephant trail commemorating the old zoological gardens and the route taken daily by the zoo's elephant down Spring Bank walking from its stables to the zoo.

Speaker 2 And for a more modern elephant trail head for the city centre and follow the route taken by locals going from Gregg's to the nearest chip shop.

Speaker 2 Hull is known as the most poetic city in England as the poets Philip Larkin, Stevie Smith and Andrew Marvell all lived in the city. Larkin's most celebrated work is The Wits and Weddings.

Speaker 2 Smith will always be remembered for not waving but drowning. And Marvell, of course, is best known for The Avengers.

Speaker 2 Due to Hull's growing appeal as an outdoor film location, the city has earned the nickname Hollywood and it most recently played home to the latest Steve McQueen film Blitz.

Speaker 2 Though Hull residents had to suffer the inconvenience of parts of their city being cordoned off and transformed into a bomb-ravaged London cityscape, they do agree the place looks a lot nicer now.

Speaker 2 The Aunt Bessie's factory in Hull is the largest Yorkshire pudding factory in the world. And in 2023, Greg Wallace was given a tour of the place for his TV show inside the factory.

Speaker 2 Greg discovered exactly how they make the 500 million puddings they produce annually, though disappointed not to meet Aunt Bessie herself, as he'd been hoping to surprise her in her office.

Speaker 2 To Greg's credit, he simply pulled up his trousers and carried on with the tour.

Speaker 2 During a Zeppin raid in June 1915, 63 bombs were dropped on Hull.

Speaker 2 As a result, angry mobs attacked local shops that they believed to have German connections, which is unfortunate for German pharmacist Hans Hoffmann, who just opened his new business, Das Boots the Chemist.

Speaker 2 and talking about being attacked by an angry mob after bombing in Hull let's meet the teams

Speaker 2 on my left please welcome Lucy Porter and Rory Bremner

Speaker 2 and on my right Tenny Hawks and Henning Vanes

Speaker 2 and taking our place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha

Speaker 2 Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about merchandise. Misplaced letters on packaging can be ruinous to the success of a product.

Speaker 2 Who can forget the time biscuit manufacturers Burtons were forced to withdraw several thousand packets of jammy todgers?

Speaker 2 Or the dismay of the nation's children on unwrapping their chocolate egg and discovering an unwanted Tinder surprise.

Speaker 2 Anyway, teams, in this round, I'd like you please to suggest well-known products that would be ruined by the simple addition of a single word.

Speaker 2 You can start this one, please, Rory.

Speaker 1 Boris Johnson's baby powder,

Speaker 2 Lucy, Mr.

Speaker 4 Kipling's urinal cakes,

Speaker 5 Henning, Duke of Yorkie bar,

Speaker 2 Tony,

Speaker 6 Asshole Milk

Speaker 1 Jacob Reesmog's crackers

Speaker 6 old spice girls

Speaker 4 Red Bull Seaman

Speaker 5 David Lee Harvey Oswald

Speaker 6 S. S.
Gruppenfuhrer Heinrich Müller-Yogert

Speaker 1 Alan Carr's water biscuits

Speaker 4 Tommy Robinson's barley water

Speaker 6 breast Milky Way

Speaker 5 KP Skiphire

Speaker 2 Well, it's time for a musical round now as I ask the team to sing one song to the tune of another.

Speaker 2 At the piano we have Colin Sell.

Speaker 2 Incidentally Colin was asked recently to name his favourite gig of the 70s and without hesitation replied Hauler Nates. He loved that job at the porridge factory.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, we'll start with you Rory Bremner. I'd like you to sing the words of Psycho Killer by Talking Heads to the tune of Zippity Doodar.

Speaker 1 I can't seem to face up to the facts. I'm tense and nervous and I can't relax.

Speaker 1 I can't sleep cause my bed is on fire. Don't touch me, I'm a real live one.
Psycho Killer Keska Say

Speaker 1 Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better. Run and run, run and run,

Speaker 1 run away.

Speaker 1 Oh psychakenda, cassika se.

Speaker 2 Your turn now, Henning Vane. And

Speaker 2 Henning's actually very excited because he has strong family connections with Hull. His grandfather was in the Luftwaffe.

Speaker 2 So Henning, I'd like you to sing the words of you're a pink toothbrush, I'm a bluetooth brush, to the tune of the German national anthem.

Speaker 5 You're a pink toothbrush, I'm a bluetooth brush. Have we met somewhere before?

Speaker 5 You're a pink toothbrush and I think toothbrush. There we met right at the bathroom door.

Speaker 5 Glad to meet toothbrush, such a sweet toothbrush. How you thrill me through and through.

Speaker 3 Don't be hard toothbrush

Speaker 5 on the soft toothbrush. Cow, I can't help loving you

Speaker 5 every time you whistle,

Speaker 5 it makes my nylon bristle You're a pinch of brush, I'm a blue to offbrush

Speaker 5 Thank you

Speaker 2 for staying

Speaker 2 Your turn now, Lucy Porter, I'd like you to sing the words of Gay Bar by Electric Six to the tune of The Young Ones.

Speaker 2 I wanna

Speaker 4 take you to a gay bar.

Speaker 4 I wanna

Speaker 4 take you to a gay bar.

Speaker 4 I wanna

Speaker 4 take you to a gay bar.

Speaker 4 Gay bar, gay bar. Let's start a war,

Speaker 4 start a war

Speaker 4 at the gay bar, gay bar.

Speaker 4 Gay bar, I have got

Speaker 4 something

Speaker 4 to put in you.

Speaker 4 I've got something to put in you,

Speaker 4 gay bar.

Speaker 4 At the other gay bar,

Speaker 3 wow, you're a superstar

Speaker 3 at the gay bar.

Speaker 3 You're a superstar at the gay bar. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 you're a superstar.

Speaker 2 Finally, Tony Hawkes, I'd like you to sing the words of Guests by Charlie XCX

Speaker 2 to the tune of Vira Lynn's wartime classic, We'll Meet Again.

Speaker 6 You wanna guess the colour of my underwear?

Speaker 6 You wanna know what I got going on down there?

Speaker 6 Is it pretty in pink or all see-through?

Speaker 6 is it showing off my brand new lower back tattoo?

Speaker 6 You want to put them in your mouth, put them all down south, you want to turn this shit out.

Speaker 6 That's what I'm talking about.

Speaker 6 Put them in your mouth, put them all down south.

Speaker 6 Try it, bite it, lick it, spit it, put it to the side,

Speaker 6 and get up all in it. Wear a poster might remix it.

Speaker 2 Well, this next round is called Catchphrase and is almost identical to the television game show of the same name, but without the entertaining graphics, fun or prize money.

Speaker 2 So, in our version of catchphrase, each team has to guess as many well-known sayings, expressions, or idioms as possible against the clock from clues provided by their opponents.

Speaker 2 The answer to each clue will be shown in advance to our theatre audience via the laser display board and to listeners at home via the mystery voice.

Speaker 2 Okay, you'll be our first contestants, Lucy and Rory. Tony and Henning will act out short clues for each of your catchphrases.
Okay, Lucy and Rory, your time starts now.

Speaker 7 By hook or by crook?

Speaker 5 I guess there is two ways we can dislodge the thing that's blocking the lever tree.

Speaker 5 We could use this bent wire.

Speaker 6 Or we could get Ronnie Biggs to do it.

Speaker 4 Is there's more than one way to flush a turd?

Speaker 4 Because that should be a phrase, right?

Speaker 1 It's not the great drain robbery, no.

Speaker 4 I think we're going to have to pass it.

Speaker 2 That's an unfortunate phrase to have used in this.

Speaker 2 It's by hook or by crook.

Speaker 2 That's what it was. Yeah, yeah.
Next one, please.

Speaker 7 Raising the bar.

Speaker 6 Okay, here you go.

Speaker 5 Up a bit.

Speaker 1 Up a bit? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Better, a bit higher, bit up.

Speaker 6 Higher still? Yeah.

Speaker 5 One more, one more. We're getting there.

Speaker 5 One more time, Tony.

Speaker 5 Perfect.

Speaker 4 No, I think it's raised the bar.

Speaker 2 Yes, oh no.

Speaker 5 Good job, Robert Dear.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Next one, please.

Speaker 7 Don't change horses midstream.

Speaker 5 Hi there.

Speaker 6 Hi.

Speaker 5 Did you think she's swapping stallions?

Speaker 6 Swapping stallions? No, no. Sorry, bad time.

Speaker 5 Now?

Speaker 6 Yes, fine.

Speaker 1 Changing horses in midstream?

Speaker 2 Yes, well done. That's exactly what it was.

Speaker 2 And another one, please.

Speaker 7 Reading between the lines.

Speaker 6 Did you know they now supply cocaine at the local library?

Speaker 5 Well, I never.

Speaker 6 Yes, I lay it out in rows to the left and right of my book, and then I have a snort after every chapter.

Speaker 4 Speed reading?

Speaker 1 Did you have your nose in a book?

Speaker 2 In a note.

Speaker 2 Time's up. It was reading between the lines.

Speaker 3 Oh.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Next one, please.

Speaker 7 Drink like a fish.

Speaker 5 Diet coke, please.

Speaker 6 Do you want a straw?

Speaker 5 No, no, I'll just stick my face in it and expel the carbon dioxide through vents in my cheeks.

Speaker 4 I'm forever blowing bubbles. And I'm a fish.
Fish, is it drinking like a fish?

Speaker 3 And the one.

Speaker 7 The child is father of the man.

Speaker 6 They're from Norfolk, you know.

Speaker 5 How can you tell?

Speaker 6 Well, the little boy is actually the old man's dad.

Speaker 1 What's that? The child resembles the father or something?

Speaker 2 I'll give you that. Child is father to the man.
That's it, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And on the next one, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 Up Shit Creek without a paddle.

Speaker 5 I can't believe it. We've got nothing to roll with.

Speaker 6 And we're stuck right in the middle of the Thames.

Speaker 1 Up Shit Creek without a paddle.

Speaker 3 Yeah, of course it was.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 and another one, please.

Speaker 7 By and large.

Speaker 5 Are you overweight?

Speaker 6 Do you swing both ways?

Speaker 5 Len, this is the support group for you.

Speaker 1 By and large.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 Well done, Lucy and Rory. And so it's your turn to do the guessing now, Tony and Henning.

Speaker 5 I mean Lucy and Rory have really said the bar high, haven't they?

Speaker 2 They've done well.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's start them, please.

Speaker 7 Pulling a fast one.

Speaker 1 Hi, Lucy. Great to see you at the Olympic Village disco.
Sorry to interrupt the snog. What's his name?

Speaker 4 Usain Bolt.

Speaker 6 Pass. Sprint.
So what? Bolt, something that pulling the pulling the

Speaker 6 pulling your punches.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 no, it's pulling a fast one, it was. Okay, well done for trying so hard though, honey.

Speaker 5 It's one of them things, either it comes to you immediately or it don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and it didn't, did it? No.

Speaker 2 On to the next piece.

Speaker 7 The Royal Wee.

Speaker 1 Ah, head gardener. I wonder if you'd mind trying this new liquid fertiliser on the begonias.

Speaker 4 What is it, sir? Dutch original lemonade?

Speaker 1 No it's something I've actually produced myself.

Speaker 6 Henny? Pass. Pass, yeah we got

Speaker 2 that was uh that was the royal we, Mr. V.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's keep going, yeah.

Speaker 7 Hitting the nail on the head.

Speaker 1 Well that's right, after half weed is in pet, I starred in crocodile shoes and spender and I sung the theme tune to both of them.

Speaker 4 Well, there's nothing wrong with your skull that I can see, but I might just try this.

Speaker 4 No, that sounds completely normal.

Speaker 5 Well, all I can say, dear is Olfida's in pet.

Speaker 2 And well, you're near. Who was in that? Who was in that?

Speaker 5 Farmer Os

Speaker 6 Jimmy Nail. Nail, nail.

Speaker 2 Nail.

Speaker 4 Your skull.

Speaker 5 Get hit.

Speaker 2 Where's your skull? Oh, come on, it's like a dementia home.

Speaker 2 Hitting the nail on the head.

Speaker 2 And the next one, please.

Speaker 7 Just the tip of the iceberg.

Speaker 1 So you can see what the problem is, Doctor.

Speaker 5 Who are you now?

Speaker 5 That was me.

Speaker 1 So you can what the problem is, Doctor.

Speaker 4 Well, as you suspected, you do have a lettuce leaf protruding from your posterior, but

Speaker 4 I'm afraid it's a whole lot worse than that.

Speaker 6 Tip of the iceberg.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Those flashes of lucidity are so

Speaker 2 reassuring sometimes, Tony.

Speaker 2 And just one more.

Speaker 7 Suck it and see.

Speaker 4 Well, I don't normally do this on a first date, but I've heard it will cure my blindness.

Speaker 5 Sound shit on your carrots.

Speaker 2 Just keep your German catchphrases to yourself, please.

Speaker 6 No, we're past, we're past.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was suck it and see. Oh.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 5 We showed them a promise. Solid second, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 On to the next round is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

Speaker 2 One of Hull's most successful musical exports is the band the Beautiful South, such as their commitment to their hometown that even their best-known song is a tribute to their favourite place to visit when back in Hull.

Speaker 2 It's called Rotterdam.

Speaker 2 In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

Speaker 2 So, you can go first, please, Rory and Lucy. Can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Speaker 1 How many roads Mr. the man walk down?

Speaker 4 Before admitting, he needs to look at the map.

Speaker 1 By the time I get to Phoenix,

Speaker 1 she'll be rising.

Speaker 1 She'll find the note I left hanging on her door.

Speaker 4 Sorry, I've broken your toilet.

Speaker 1 Hello, I'm a Giuseppe. I got something that's special for you.
Are ready? Uno, duo, Tre, Quettro. When I was a boy, I just about the eighth grade.

Speaker 1 Mama used to say, Why'd you talk like that?

Speaker 4 You're from Bradford.

Speaker 4 Oh, I

Speaker 1 just died in your arms tonight.

Speaker 1 It must have been something you said.

Speaker 4 No, it was something I cooked.

Speaker 4 Isn't it rich?

Speaker 4 Are we a pair?

Speaker 4 Me here at last on the ground.

Speaker 4 You in mid-air.

Speaker 1 I'm sure this position looks easier in the manual.

Speaker 1 I believe in miracles.

Speaker 1 Where are you from?

Speaker 1 You sexy thing?

Speaker 4 Grimsby.

Speaker 2 Okay, your turn now. Tony and Henning, can we have your first line medley, please?

Speaker 6 Love

Speaker 6 is a burning thing

Speaker 6 and it makes a fiery ring.

Speaker 5 Have you tried putting yogurt on it?

Speaker 5 Hello!

Speaker 5 Is it me you're looking for?

Speaker 6 Just a minute, sir. Let me get my list of accidentally released migrants.

Speaker 6 Hans plays with Lottie. Lottie plays with Jane.

Speaker 6 Jane plays with Willie.

Speaker 5 At which point social services step in.

Speaker 6 I sit and wait.

Speaker 6 Does an angel

Speaker 6 contemplate my fate?

Speaker 5 Dr. Shipman will see you now, dear.

Speaker 5 Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl.

Speaker 5 Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl.

Speaker 5 Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl.

Speaker 5 Duke, Duke, Duke of Earth.

Speaker 6 Sorry, Mr. Windsor, you can't use those titles, I'm friendly.

Speaker 6 It started with a kiss

Speaker 6 in the back row of the classroom.

Speaker 5 And that's why you don't teach at this school anymore.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

Speaker 2 But there is just time to fit in a quick round of Seafood Film Club.

Speaker 2 Incidentally, though not a fan of fish, Samantha couldn't resist an invitation from some local lads to pop out on their fishing boat.

Speaker 2 As you can imagine, by the time they got their tackle out, there was a big swell on.

Speaker 2 As Samantha says, she spent much of the time tugging fruitlessly

Speaker 2 and in the end was very relieved that she didn't catch anything.

Speaker 2 That was sent in by Emily Maitless.

Speaker 2 That trying to ruin my career as well.

Speaker 2 Anyway, in this round, teams, I'd like you, please, to suggest the titles of films likely to be enjoyed by an audience of seafood lovers. I'd like you to start this one, please.
Tony.

Speaker 6 Desperately seeking sushi.

Speaker 1 Rory. Captain Bird's Eyes Mandolin.

Speaker 2 Lucy.

Speaker 4 Silence of the Clams, starring Anchovy Hopkins.

Speaker 2 Henning.

Speaker 5 Boya Basic Instinct.

Speaker 1 The gull with the pearl herring.

Speaker 6 The Da Vinci cod.

Speaker 1 Fish finger.

Speaker 1 He's the man, the man with the Findus touch.

Speaker 6 Pollock stock and two smoking salmons.

Speaker 5 from mollusk from mollusk oh it's not easy to say

Speaker 5 from mollusk till prawn

Speaker 5 I get me coat

Speaker 6 I'll get it for you

Speaker 6 Sleeping with the anemone

Speaker 1 Headnobs and crab sticks.

Speaker 5 Mission shrimp possible.

Speaker 6 Bring me the hake of Alfredo Garcia.

Speaker 2 And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the thuggish thieves of time escape the Louvre of lethargy down the cherry-picker of chance, while the Gallic guardians of Napoleon's knick-knacks give those stereotypical shrugs of serenity, I notice it's the end of the show.

Speaker 2 So, from the teams, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Hull, it's goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Rory Bremer, Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, and Henning Vane were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee, with Collins Hull setting some of them to music. The programme was devised by Graham Garden.

Speaker 1 The script consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.