Series 84 - 4. Hospital Radio Songbook

Speaker 1 We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

Speaker 1 At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Speaker 2 Hello and welcome to, I'm sorry I haven't a clue, you join us this week for a return to Hull,

Speaker 2 which has recently been named as one of the top 25 global destinations to visit in 2026 by National Geographic magazine.

Speaker 2 A publication renowned for its celebration of primitive cultures.

Speaker 2 In 2017, Hull was awarded the title of City of Culture by the government's Department of Culture, Media, Sport and Irony.

Speaker 2 The liquid crystal display was invented by Professor George Gray at the University of Hull in 1973.

Speaker 2 Now used in smartphones and flat screen televisions, Gray realized that because pentil biphenyl possessed a stable pneumatic phase at room temperature, temperature, it was ideal for writing boobies on a calculator.

Speaker 2 Hull City is the only one of the top 92 football clubs in England whose name contains no letters that you can colour in.

Speaker 2 Something that's a constant source of disappointment to the club's fans, desperate for something to do during home games.

Speaker 2 In a recent survey, Hull was named the city with the highest proportion of snorers in the UK. According to the poll, just over 60% of Hull residents snore.

Speaker 2 The survey took place in 2023 during another goalless draw with Preston North End.

Speaker 2 80s pop star and well-known Hull City fan Sunita has promised to sing before a game at the MKM Stadium if the team are promoted to the Premiership.

Speaker 2 This offer has been a huge inspiration to the Hull City squad who can regularly be seen out on the training pitch practicing own goals.

Speaker 2 The rank organisation, which owned five leading film studios, was founded by Hull-born J. Arthur Rank in 1937.
Originally famous for his production of Great Expectations, J.

Speaker 2 Arthur Rank hit the headlines again in 2010 when Jonathan Ross attempted to say his name.

Speaker 2 So let's meet the teams. On my left, please welcome Lucy Porter and Rory Bremner.

Speaker 2 And on my right, Tony Hawks and Henning Vane.

Speaker 2 And taking his place on the scoring board next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Speaker 2 Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

Speaker 2 A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms. For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between the words tortoise and turtle.

Speaker 2 Well, the tortoise is a slow-moving herbivorous land animal which is enclosed in a domed shell, whereas the turtle is what your bill adds up to in hull.

Speaker 4 But

Speaker 2 but the meanings of words are constantly changing teams. So your your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Speaker 2 Henning, you can start this.

Speaker 5 Remote, fill up the castle ditch.

Speaker 6 Rory.

Speaker 6 Surfer, what you sit on in Hull.

Speaker 2 Lucy.

Speaker 7 Blurted. Having a full tummy in Hull.

Speaker 2 Tony.

Speaker 4 Turd. What they call a big frog in Hull.

Speaker 5 Subbed you, delayed you, boat.

Speaker 7 Caustic, goodness, a twig.

Speaker 4 Sorbay, carpentry online auction site.

Speaker 6 Hedonistic, very basic scarecrow.

Speaker 5 A ledge, slightly bigger than a window seal.

Speaker 7 Diversity, a Welshman with a degree.

Speaker 6 Fern, what you make calls on in Hull.

Speaker 4 Predict prior to intercourse.

Speaker 5 Discrete, pointing to the largest Greek island.

Speaker 4 Latex, sleep with a former partner in Yorkshire.

Speaker 2 Okay, the teams are are going to sing along to some well-known songs in the round called Pick Up Song.

Speaker 2 These days, rare vinyl fetches a fortune at auction. The Holy Grail for collectors is the Commodore's classic weight loss ballad sponsored by Munjaro.
You're thrice, twice, one times a lady.

Speaker 2 In this round, Sven will spin the discs and each of you will sing along to your discs until Sven turns the music down.

Speaker 2 If on its return you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points and points mean a frankly damning indication of the UK's intellectual torpor. What do points mean?

Speaker 2 Yes, and this week's prize is just the thing for the mysterious seamstress. It's this masked singer sewing machine.

Speaker 2 Ah shut your face.

Speaker 2 Lucy, Lucy Porter, you're the star and I'd like you to accompany whole band the beautiful South singing Don't Marry Her.

Speaker 2 Now this is the original version which has got quite some, as you probably know, some expletives in. I'd appreciate it if you could just maybe censor those as you go through.
Thank you.

Speaker 7 I'll never grow so old and flabby, that could never be.

Speaker 7 Don't marry her,

Speaker 3 me.

Speaker 7 And your love light shines like cardboard, but your work shoes are glistening. She's a PhD, and I told you so.
You've a knighthood, and I'm not listening. She'll grab your sweaty bollocks.

Speaker 3 Sorry, then stop and crazy.

Speaker 3 So marry her

Speaker 3 me.

Speaker 3 And the Sunday shines down on San Francisco.

Speaker 3 And you realize you can't take it anymore.

Speaker 2 Well, you were on, so you came in on time, and so well done on that.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 so on to you, Rory Bremner. I'd like you to accompany Falco singing Rock Me Amadeus.

Speaker 8 to flip. If I felt

Speaker 8 I'm what it told

Speaker 9 me, I'm a dance, I'm a dais, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dais, I'm a dance.

Speaker 9 Oh, oh, oh, I'm a dance,

Speaker 9 I'm a dais, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dance, I'm a dance.

Speaker 9 There we go, Rory.

Speaker 2 Well done. I don't mind telling you, I think we were all pretty worried about you then.

Speaker 2 Okay, and continuing the German theme,

Speaker 2 you now, Henning Vane, would you accompany the singer Heino singing Das vondern is des mulleslust?

Speaker 5 The sound of Haum.

Speaker 5 There we are.

Speaker 2 Henry Vane, seeing Das Vonder and Ist as well as Lustwerth, all of Hull clapping along in time.

Speaker 2 That's how Nazism started.

Speaker 4 You enjoyed it because you weren't lucky sitting next to it.

Speaker 2 And finally, would you, Tony Hawkes, please accompany Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons singing Sherry?

Speaker 2 Maybe some backing vocals might be a good idea on this.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, I'm available.

Speaker 4 That's what I feared.

Speaker 4 Sherry,

Speaker 4 Sherry, baby, Sherry.

Speaker 4 Sherry, baby, Sherry.

Speaker 4 Sherry, baby, Sherry.

Speaker 4 Can you come out tonight?

Speaker 5 Come out tonight.

Speaker 3 Sherry, baby, Sherry.

Speaker 3 Can you come out tonight?

Speaker 4 Why don't you come out

Speaker 4 to my twist party?

Speaker 4 Come out where the bright moonshine.

Speaker 4 Come out.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna make you my

Speaker 4 shade.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 2 well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Sharades.

Speaker 2 In our version of Sherards, team members are permitted to use their voices.

Speaker 2 So, Lucy and Rory, you're to start please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen. And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

Speaker 10 How to train your dragon.

Speaker 10 How to train your dragon.

Speaker 7 So, this is a film, and it's five words.

Speaker 5 Five.

Speaker 7 Five, yeah, five words. Morning, Morning, Mr.
Pavlov.

Speaker 6 Morning, Mrs. Pavlov.

Speaker 7 How are the experiments going?

Speaker 6 Oh, very well, yes. Very encouraging.

Speaker 7 Have a look. Don't mind if I do.

Speaker 6 So, I put the bowl of food in her cage.

Speaker 7 She's not going anywhere near it.

Speaker 6 No, but then look what happens when I ring this bell.

Speaker 7 Oh, she's eating. That's right.
Oh, she's a lovely little thing. What do you call her?

Speaker 6 Deborah Meaden.

Speaker 6 Who's she again?

Speaker 4 And he just said, who's she?

Speaker 4 It's not going to be a huge amount of help to me on this one.

Speaker 5 One flew over the cuckoo nest, that's five words, innit?

Speaker 4 I think you've misunderstood the nature of the game.

Speaker 7 And it is actually six words.

Speaker 4 Is it?

Speaker 5 Well, is cuckoo nest two words?

Speaker 2 Yes, of course it is.

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, sorry. Should introduce compound nouns, they're really helpful.

Speaker 5 i've got to be honest with you i have no clue

Speaker 4 well it's what the show is all that's five words

Speaker 2 it is it's five words you're not even gonna have a go with the word no no okay all right well uh you know it is just a bit of fun

Speaker 2 it's it was how to train your dragon

Speaker 4 even

Speaker 5 yeah i mean that's the trouble isn't it that's you have to guess something that you've never heard of in the first place

Speaker 2 Your turn, Tony and Henning. Your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board, and once more is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Speaker 10 The artist formerly known as Prince. The artist formerly known as Prince.

Speaker 4 Yes, so this is a slight change here. This is actually a singer, okay, and it's six words.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 5 And it goes like this: Good morning, you're Andrew.

Speaker 4 Good morning.

Speaker 5 May I ask if you have given any thought as to what you might do with the rest of your life, sir?

Speaker 4 Indeed, I have. From henceforth, I shall be a painter.

Speaker 5 Very good, sir.

Speaker 7 It is the artist formerly known as Prince.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, it's now time to play a round called Restaurant or Bedroom.

Speaker 2 Hull was recently abuzz with the news that a restaurant owner was suing his local fishmonger after accusing him of supplying undersized shellfish.

Speaker 2 Happily for all parties, the matter was settled after it was put before the local small clams court.

Speaker 2 I like that. I know, it worries me when you like the jokes.

Speaker 2 In this round, teams, I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable to use both in the bedroom and when visiting a restaurant. Lucy, you can start this, please.

Speaker 7 I think I'll have to finish this off by myself at home later.

Speaker 2 Tony.

Speaker 4 Goodness, that came very quickly.

Speaker 5 Henning. I'm just going to sort out the ladies first.

Speaker 2 And Rory.

Speaker 6 I've got a nice semi-on.

Speaker 7 No, I promise you, it tastes better than it looks.

Speaker 4 I can't fit another thing in.

Speaker 5 I used to come here with my aunt Petunia.

Speaker 6 Sorry, Sorry, went down the wrong way.

Speaker 7 I'm sorry, you're going to have to go. I've got a coach party coming in at 8.30.

Speaker 4 Stop playing with it and just eat it.

Speaker 5 Nothing else, please. Just tell me what I owe you.

Speaker 4 Whose is the spotted dick?

Speaker 7 Now, I've told them it's your birthday, so they're going to stick a sparkler in your brownie.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, this next round is all about getting children to read. Children's literature is constantly being updated to appeal to the technologically minded kids of today.

Speaker 2 In fact, only recently I purchased a copy of Winnie the Pooh emoji.

Speaker 2 Okay, the round's called Complete Children's Books, and in it, teams, I'll provide you with the openings to various classics of children's literature, each interrupted mid-sentence.

Speaker 2 Your job is to try to guess how each sentence finishes. So, Rory, here's an opening for you from Mr.
Silly by Roger Hargreaves. Mr.
Silly lived in nonsense land, which is a very funny place to live.

Speaker 2 You see, in nonsense land, everything is done by executive order.

Speaker 2 But she is as silly as it can be. Henning, this is one for you to finish.
It's from The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss.
The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play.
So we...

Speaker 5 Cancelled the test match and called it a day.

Speaker 2 It actually goes on, sat in the house all that cold, cold, wet day. Lucy, how about this? It's from Funny Bones by Janet and Alan Allberg.
On a dark, dark hill, there was a dark, dark town.

Speaker 2 In the dark, dark town, there was a dark, dark street. In the dark, dark street, there was a dark, dark house.

Speaker 2 In the dark, dark house was a dark, dark staircase.

Speaker 2 Down the dark, dark staircase, there was a dark, dark cellar.

Speaker 7 And in the dark, dark cellar were all the spare light bulbs.

Speaker 2 It's some skeletons lived. Tony, how about this one? Can you finish this? It's from Mr.
Grumpy by Roger Hargreaves. It was a lovely summer evening in Crosspatch Cottage.
Mr. Grumpy was in a bad mood.

Speaker 2 In fact, Mr. Grumpy was in a very bad mood.
This wasn't surprising, really, because...

Speaker 4 It was nearly time for him to host, I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 it finishes, Mr. Grumpy is always in a bad mood.
That's how it goes. And this one for you, Rory, is from the old man of Lochnagar by King Giles III, written when he was the Prince of Wales.

Speaker 2 High on a mountain in Scotland lives an old man. He has lived there for years and years, and although he's not terribly old.

Speaker 6 He's waited a sod of a long time to become king.

Speaker 2 Although he's not terribly old, he just looks it. Henning, finish this one.
It's Branch Line Engines by Reverend W. Awdry.

Speaker 2 Thomas, the tank engine, loved his branch line. He thought it was the most important part of the whole railway.

Speaker 2 He had Annie and Claribel, his faithful coaches, and he enjoyed pulling them up and down the line all day.

Speaker 5 But Thomas really wanted to pull Clarissa,

Speaker 5 who was first class.

Speaker 2 It actually goes on to say, but Thomas grew a little too proud of himself. Finally, Tony, how about this one? It's Mr.
Wrong by Roger Hargreaves. This one is.
Whatever Mr.

Speaker 2 Wrong did was absolutely, totally, completely, utterly wrong. However hard he tried, he just couldn't do anything right.

Speaker 4 Just look at his interview with Emily Maitlis.

Speaker 2 Just look at his house, it says. Here's some for any of you to have a go at.
Just jump in if you've got something.

Speaker 2 Another one from Roger Hargreaves. This one's Mr.
Goode. Mr.
Good is very good. He always makes his bed, he always cleans his teeth, and he always wipes his feet.
He never slams doors,

Speaker 2 he never forgets birthdays, and he never ever tells lies. Mr.
Good is very, very good. However, Mr.

Speaker 5 Goode gets on everybody's tits.

Speaker 2 It's actually, Mr. Goode lives in a place called Badland.
How about this one? It's from There's a House Inside My Mummy by Giles Andre. There's a house inside my mummy where my little brother grows.

Speaker 2 Or maybe it's my little sister. No one really knows.
My daddy says I lived there too when I was being made.

Speaker 4 Though he was working overseas when she was getting laid.

Speaker 2 Oh Tony, now it finishes but I don't remember very much about it I'm afraid. Well it's time for some music now in the round called Swanny Kazoo.

Speaker 2 This is where the team's duet to combine the Sylvian sigh of the Swanny whistle with the guttural guff of the kazoo.

Speaker 2 The kazoo made the news recently when historians discovered that one of the musicians on the Titanic's ill-fated voyage was playing a kazoo when he was abruptly cast overboard.

Speaker 2 Sadly, he didn't survive and perished in the icy waters of Southampton Harbour.

Speaker 2 For this round, piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell.

Speaker 2 Incidentally, Colin had some unexpected interest recently from the advertisers Satchi and Satchi, who've used one of Colin's own compositions in a brand new TV commercial for piano padlocks.

Speaker 2 Lucy and Rory, you can start and I'd like you to provide us with a rendition of Old MacDonald How to Farm to feature Rory Bremner on the kazoo and Lucy Porter on the Swanny Whistle.

Speaker 2 Some ducks.

Speaker 2 A horse

Speaker 2 you now, Tony, and Henning, I'd like you to provide us with a rendition of Tequila to feature Henning Vane on the kazoo and Tony Hawks on the Swanny Whistle.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very nearly the end of the show, but there is just time to fit in a quick round of hospital radio songbook.

Speaker 2 Our own Sven is currently working as a hospital orderly, but recently partnered up with a gentleman colleague who happens to be the hospital's top anaesthetist.

Speaker 2 Sven says he's been assisting him as he visits his patients. And late last night, he even permitted Sven to help him knock one out in the operating theatre.

Speaker 2 In this round, teams, I'd like you to suggest for us the titles of songs likely to appear on a hospital radio playlist.

Speaker 2 You can start this. Rory.

Speaker 6 It started with a cyst.

Speaker 2 Lucy.

Speaker 7 I can pee clearly now.

Speaker 2 Henning.

Speaker 5 Give her peas a chance.

Speaker 2 Tony.

Speaker 4 Gimme, gimme, gimme the pan after midnight.

Speaker 6 Sergeant Pepper's lonely gastric band.

Speaker 5 We're only making scans for Nigel.

Speaker 6 Enema Rigby.

Speaker 7 Don't stand so colostomy.

Speaker 4 Owner of a donor hot

Speaker 6 STD, all my troubles seem so far away.

Speaker 5 All the shingle ladies,

Speaker 4 this gown ain't big enough for the both of us.

Speaker 7 I'm in the mood for lancing.

Speaker 5 Lady in bed

Speaker 6 talking about my constipation.

Speaker 5 How deep is your glove?

Speaker 2 And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the putrefying pumpkin of posterity moulders on the doorstep of destiny and the ferocious fireworks of fate cause the cowering cat of calamity to get stuck behind the fridge of fright, I notice it's the end of the show.

Speaker 2 So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Hull, it's goodbye. Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Maury Brenner, Tony Hawks, Lucy Porter, and Henning Vane were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Common Cell setting some of them to music. The programme was devised by Graham Garden.

Speaker 1 The script consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.