Series 84 - 2. Traffic Jam or Bedroom

Speaker 1 We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games

Speaker 1 At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean

Speaker 2 Hello welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue. You join us this week on a visit to Southampton

Speaker 2 City known to cruise ship aficionados as Gateway to the Norovirus.

Speaker 2 As a major cruise ship hub, hundreds of Southamptonians say they work for Cunard, while others prefer to take it easy.

Speaker 2 Charles Dibdin, the famous composer of sea shanties, was born in Southampton. It was Dibdin who wrote the line, I sails the seas from end to end and leads a joyous life.

Speaker 2 In every mess I find a friend, in every port a wife. Which gave rise to the notion of sailors having a girl in every port.

Speaker 2 His shanty ends, for I have docked in many a port, and in every one amiss, which now I comes to think of it, explains my syphilis.

Speaker 2 When I visited Southampton last year, I remember it was a Saturday and my watch had stopped. Anxious to find out the time, I checked the football scores.

Speaker 2 I noticed Southampton were losing 2-0, so I knew it must be 5 past 3.

Speaker 2 Southampton FC's local rivals are struggling Pompey or Portsmouth FC.

Speaker 2 Arriving at the theatre today, I was surprised to find a Portsmouth season ticket nailed to my dressing room door. I'll have that, I thought.
You can never have too many nails.

Speaker 2 Naturalist Chris Packham was born in Southampton in the spring of 1961. His birth was filmed and broadcast to an audience of indifferent badgers.

Speaker 2 just to see how he bloody liked it.

Speaker 2 RB superstar Craig David was born in Southampton in 1981. Growing up in poverty on the city's tough Hollyrood estate, Craig David was raised without a father, friends, or even a surname.

Speaker 2 In a career spanning 30 years, David has sold over 15 million albums.

Speaker 2 The singer has added to his fortune by selling a range of merchandise, including clothing, a fragrance, and even a Craig David refrigerator.

Speaker 2 However, potential purchasers of the Craig David fridge are warned it only chills on Sundays.

Speaker 2 Southampton resident Shalina Permalu won BBC's MasterChef in 2012. She clinched the title with a classically presented spotted dick.
It was actually one of two presented that day during filming.

Speaker 2 Before producers told Greg to put his away.

Speaker 2 Let's meet the teams.

Speaker 2 On my left, please welcome Marcus Brigstock and Rachel Parris.

Speaker 2 On my right, Niles Chuck and Adrian Edmondson.

Speaker 2 And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk Intrunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Speaker 2 Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

Speaker 2 A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms. For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between the words shy and koi.

Speaker 2 Well, shy means to be nervous or timid in the company of others, whereas koi is what you get milk from in Northern Ireland.

Speaker 2 But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams. So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.
Adrian, you can start.

Speaker 4 Success, a sewage worker's last resort.

Speaker 2 Rachel.

Speaker 3 Sentimental, drove him mad.

Speaker 2 Marcus.

Speaker 5 Canopes, the brummy name for tinned peas.

Speaker 2 Miles.

Speaker 6 Spite, the pouring bit of a royal teapot.

Speaker 4 Aircraft, the art of letting one go without anyone noticing it.

Speaker 5 Shambles, pretend testicles.

Speaker 4 Airdrop, the opposite of aircraft.

Speaker 6 Polite, King Charles's preferred method of contraception.

Speaker 3 Baltic, testicular parasite.

Speaker 6 Rusk, world domination board game for babies

Speaker 4 Harass,

Speaker 4 the opposite of her elbow

Speaker 5 Oncology, the study of horn sounds

Speaker 4 Sparsly,

Speaker 4 no, it's not scoriander.

Speaker 6 Fundamentalist, what you do when you buy a Tesla.

Speaker 5 Unscrew, French prison officer.

Speaker 6 Cockaliki, Scottish male incontinence.

Speaker 4 Enamour, a tool for it in chickens.

Speaker 4 Enroll, a chicken bap.

Speaker 4 En titty, a chicken breast.

Speaker 2 Okay, well

Speaker 2 the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs in the round called Pick Up Song now.

Speaker 2 These days rare vinyl fetches a fortune at auction. The Holy Grail for collectors is the world's first song about weight loss injections.
Whiskey and Munjaro by Painfully Thin Lizzie.

Speaker 2 In this round, Sven will spin the discs and each of you will sing along to your discs until Sven turns the music down.

Speaker 2 If on its return you're within a gnat's crutches of the original, I'll be awarding points. And points mean a frankly nauseating display of imbecilic mass indoctrination.

Speaker 2 What do points mean?

Speaker 2 And this week's prize is the world's most annoying beach furniture. It's this Anton deck chair.

Speaker 2 So, Adrian Edmondson, I'd like you to accompany Sia singing chandelier.

Speaker 3 coffee, and then

Speaker 4 will I learn? I push it down, I push it da-a-own.

Speaker 4 I'm the one for a good time call. Phones blowing up, ringing my doorbell.
I feel the love, I feel the love, uh-oh.

Speaker 4 Here it comes. One, two, three, one, two, three, drink.

Speaker 4 One, two, three, one, two, three, drink.

Speaker 4 One, two, three, one, two, three, drink. Throw them back till I lose count.

Speaker 4 Oh, I'm gonna swing

Speaker 4 from the chandelier here,

Speaker 4 from the chandelier here.

Speaker 4 I'm

Speaker 4 gonna live

Speaker 4 like tomorrow doesn't exist,

Speaker 4 like it doesn't exist.

Speaker 4 I'm

Speaker 4 gonna fly

Speaker 4 like a bird through the night.

Speaker 4 Feel my tears as they dry high.

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 4 hold them swing

Speaker 4 from the sky.

Speaker 2 I thought that was the Isle of White Ferry at one point.

Speaker 2 Marcus Brigstock, your turn, please, and I'd like you to accompany Inikamozi singing here comes the hot stepper

Speaker 5 here come the hot stepper, murderer. I'm a lyrical gangster, murderer.
They got the crew in the area. Murderer, still love you like that.

Speaker 5 No, no, we don't die. Yes, we multiply.

Speaker 5 Anyone press will hear the fat lady sing.

Speaker 5 Act like you know, Rico. I don't know what Bo don't know.
Touch him up and go. Uh-oh.
Cha-cha-chang-chang.

Speaker 5 Here come the odd step-up. Murderer.
I'm a lyrical gangster.

Speaker 3 Murderer.

Speaker 2 And finally, would you, Rachel Parrish, please accompany Kelly Clarkson singing My Life Would Suck Without You.

Speaker 3 Anyone but me

Speaker 3 said you'd never come back,

Speaker 3 but here you are again.

Speaker 3 Cause we belong

Speaker 3 together

Speaker 3 now,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 3 Forever united

Speaker 3 here

Speaker 3 somehow,

Speaker 3 yeah.

Speaker 3 You gotta be

Speaker 3 to me,

Speaker 3 and honestly,

Speaker 3 my life

Speaker 3 would suck

Speaker 3 without

Speaker 3 you.

Speaker 3 Great to Paris.

Speaker 2 Certainly hit those high notes.

Speaker 2 Either that or someone's hearing aid is playing up.

Speaker 2 Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

Speaker 2 The game Sound Charades is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words, perfected, of course, by the great Marcel Marceau.

Speaker 2 Marceau was clearly destined for greatness in the world of mime and his talent was evident to his parents from birth. His mother once proudly revealed his first words.
I'm 26.

Speaker 2 So in our version of Sherad's, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Speaker 2 So Marcus and Rachel, you're to start please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen. And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice:

Speaker 7 The Nutcracker. The Nutcracker.

Speaker 2 So, off you go, please, Marcus and Rachel.

Speaker 5 This is a ballet and it's two words. Oh, hello, I'd like to buy a pair of underpants, please.

Speaker 3 We didn't discuss that voice.

Speaker 5 Well, I have come directly from Bolshoi.

Speaker 3 Certainly, sir.

Speaker 3 Any particular style?

Speaker 5 Well, I do prefer a cozy fit.

Speaker 3 How about these? We call them the snug.

Speaker 5 No, they are much too loose. No.

Speaker 3 I see. And how about this pair here? They really are a close fit.
We call them the vice.

Speaker 5 Sorry, no, I am looking for something properly tight if you have such a thing.

Speaker 3 Well, we do have these, sir, reinforced with military-grade elastic, guaranteed to snap or tighter than crocodiles bite.

Speaker 5 Sweet, I'll take them.

Speaker 4 It's the

Speaker 4 Welsh accent straight in the Welsh.

Speaker 6 We've cut through it somehow.

Speaker 6 It's Dave Fledermaus.

Speaker 4 It's nuts. It's the nutcracker.

Speaker 2 Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, your turn, Miles and Adrian. Your title is now being being exhibited on the laser display board, and here again is the misty voice for listeners at home.

Speaker 7 Slaughterhouse Five.

Speaker 7 Slaughterhouse Five.

Speaker 6 So this is a book and a film, and it's two words.

Speaker 1 Two words.

Speaker 6 It was the start of the Easter holidays, and Julian, Anne, and Dick were talking excitedly over the breakfast table about what they might get up to with their cousin Georgina and her dog Timmy.

Speaker 4 I've got an idea, said Julian. There's lots of animals in the fields.
Why don't we turn Uncle Quentin's study into an abattoir?

Speaker 6 What an excellent wheeze, exclaimed Dick.

Speaker 6 I know there's a lot of squealing, but think of the sausages.

Speaker 4 Wizard, ejaculated George.

Speaker 4 I'll get Aunt Fanny's chainsaw.

Speaker 3 Is it the slaughterhouse five? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, on with the next round, and this is all about the skilled art of writing. Just last week, I was in Waterstones.
I asked for a copy of the book, Living with Deafness.

Speaker 2 The assistant found one for me, and I asked, is it signed? He said, no, you'll have to read it like everyone else.

Speaker 2 So, the teams will now take it in turns to improvise some written correspondence with two players providing one word each at a time and the subject of your correspondence today will be an issue of concern to the good people of Southampton.

Speaker 2 Sorry about

Speaker 2 potholes.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 2 Potholes.

Speaker 2 It's clearly an awful place to live.

Speaker 2 Who said potholes? What's the name? Give me a name for Potter. Simon.
Simon. Okay, so

Speaker 2 Marcus and Rachel, I'd like you to compose a letter of complaint from Simon to the Southampton Council, City Council, and then Miles and Adrian will come up with the reply. So off you go, please.

Speaker 2 Marcus and Rachel.

Speaker 5 Dear Southampton City Council, I am livid with you because of your holes in the ground.

Speaker 5 My brother has fallen right into

Speaker 3 one of the potholes and he is missing.

Speaker 3 And I personally feel that you have fallen short of your duties.

Speaker 5 Put gravel in the potholes, you bastards.

Speaker 5 If you don't, my mother will come down there and put gravel on you.

Speaker 5 I will

Speaker 5 get

Speaker 3 you.

Speaker 3 All the best love from Simon.

Speaker 4 Dear Simon,

Speaker 6 I

Speaker 3 don't care

Speaker 3 for

Speaker 4 your tone.

Speaker 4 Why, oh, why,

Speaker 8 oh, why, oh, why

Speaker 4 will

Speaker 8 people like you not sod off?

Speaker 4 My brother

Speaker 6 also fell down a pole.

Speaker 5 He is

Speaker 4 in hospital with broken legs.

Speaker 4 I don't care

Speaker 8 for him at all.

Speaker 4 Maybe you and your brother should go away.

Speaker 4 I

Speaker 6 love

Speaker 3 you.

Speaker 4 Hope you get

Speaker 4 rabies

Speaker 4 Southampton City Council

Speaker 2 Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

Speaker 2 In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening lines of a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

Speaker 2 And at the piano, we have Colin Sall.

Speaker 2 Incidentally, Colin was telling us that at a recent concert in London's Wigmore Hall, he received seven curtain calls. In the end, he had to block Drapes UK and put his phone on silent.

Speaker 2 So you can go first. Marcus and Rachel, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Speaker 3 Gotta make a move to a town that's right for me.

Speaker 3 Town to keep me moving keep me grooving with some energy

Speaker 5 Well, that's Eastley out

Speaker 5 Isn't it

Speaker 5 rich

Speaker 5 Are we a pair

Speaker 5 me here at last on the ground You in mid-air?

Speaker 5 Could you please just hold the ladder?

Speaker 5 Be

Speaker 5 our

Speaker 3 guest, be our guest, put our service to the test.

Speaker 5 I've never dined at a harvester before. There normally

Speaker 5 this many pubes in the salad.

Speaker 3 Talking to myself and feeling old

Speaker 3 Sometimes I'd like to quit

Speaker 3 Nothing ever seems to fit

Speaker 5 And we'll have more from Davina McCall discussing the menopause after this

Speaker 5 Any time you're land of way,

Speaker 5 any evening, any day

Speaker 5 you find a soul.

Speaker 3 Tie in flags to lampposts.

Speaker 5 Sala goodoo, my chickadaboo, a bibbity boppity boo.

Speaker 5 Put them together, and what have you got? A bibbity barbity boo.

Speaker 3 And more from President Trump's address to the US.

Speaker 2 Your turn now, Miles and Adrian. Can we have your first line medley, please?

Speaker 4 Snowdrops and daffodils, butterflies and bees,

Speaker 4 sailboats and fishermen, things of the sea.

Speaker 4 Wishing wells, wedding bells, early morning dew.

Speaker 6 Did you at least remember to get the milk?

Speaker 4 I don't care if Monday's blue, Tuesday's grey, and Wednesday two.

Speaker 4 Thursday, I don't care about you. It's Friday.

Speaker 6 It's five to five and it's Cracker Jack.

Speaker 6 Float,

Speaker 6 float on,

Speaker 6 float on, float on.

Speaker 6 Well, just try flushing it again, and if it doesn't work,

Speaker 6 if it doesn't work, I'll go and find a stick.

Speaker 4 How do you do what you do to me? I wish I knew.

Speaker 6 Well, it just takes rubber gloves and a strong stomach

Speaker 4 Loving you

Speaker 4 isn't the right thing to do.

Speaker 2 Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

Speaker 2 There is just time to fit in a quick round called Traffic Jam or Bedroom.

Speaker 2 In this round, teams, I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable to use both in the bedroom and while stuck in a traffic jam. Marcus, you can start.

Speaker 5 If it's all right with you, I'll pull off and get a Scotch egg.

Speaker 2 It's Aid, your turn.

Speaker 4 This guy behind is right up my ass.

Speaker 2 Rachel?

Speaker 3 The council should have widened this years ago.

Speaker 2 Miles.

Speaker 6 That lorry driver just gave me the finger.

Speaker 5 If he fits that through there, I'll be amazed.

Speaker 6 I must say, it'd be a lot easier if both lanes were open.

Speaker 5 It's no good tooting, I'm stuck.

Speaker 6 Well, this is a disappointing way to spend an hour.

Speaker 4 I spy with my little eye

Speaker 4 something beginning with C.

Speaker 5 If he'd pull forward, I could fit up there.

Speaker 4 If you three in the back don't shut up and behave, I'm going to give you all a damn good spanking.

Speaker 5 Any idea what's happening up front?

Speaker 6 There's no sign of movement. You might as well switch the thing off.

Speaker 5 I'm starting to think there's been an accident

Speaker 4 it's only ever this slow because people stop to have a bloody good gauge

Speaker 3 No, I'm not letting him in. He can wait his turn.

Speaker 2 And so ladies and gentlemen, as the GPS tracked ankle tag of time is attached to the thuggish Thornhill teenager of eternity,

Speaker 2 I notice it's the end of the show. So from the teams, Sven, myself and our audience here in Southampton, it's goodbye.
Goodbye.

Speaker 1 Marcus Brigstock, Miles Juck, Rachel Parris, and Abe Edmondson were being given stealth things to do by Jack Dee, with Colin Sowell setting some of them to music.

Speaker 1 The programme was devised by Graham Garden. The script consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.