Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm I'm sorry I haven't a clue you join us this week on a visit to Bristol

a city so woke that even the foxes are vegan

Bristol has a total of four museums or five if you include all the stuff they've chucked in the harbour

and Bristol has two successful football teams, or one if you include Bristol Rovers.

Bristol Rovers Memorial Stadium ground was built in 1921 on former allotments that were used to grow potatoes during the Great War, and potato seeds are still planted next to the pitch each year.

The club says maintaining the tradition is good for morale, as it at least gives the team something to lift at the end of the season.

In the 1300s, a Bristol-based Flemish weaver is credited with creating the first blanket from heavily napped woolen weave.

It's almost impossible to conceive of a world without blankets.

I mean, just think of the warmth and protection they've provided for any number of Radio 1 DJs travelling to and from court.

Each year, the city hosts the Bristol International Balloon Fiesta.

A highlight of the three-day festival is the evening where a hundred hot air balloons, their burners blazing, lift as one into the night sky to the accompaniment of a massive firework display.

It's officially known to locals as the Night Glow and to the emergency services as No Risk Assessment Thursday.

Bristol-born actor Dave Prouse portrayed Darth Vader in Star Wars.

However, Darth Vader was re-voiced by the American actor James Earl Jones in the actual film.

Apparently, the producers felt it inappropriate for Darth Vader to describe Princess Leia as Gertlush.

Dating back to Tudor times, the Hatchet Inn is the oldest still-operating pub in Bristol.

It's believed the pub's small front door is lined with the skin of an executed criminal.

When I paid a visit one evening, I found the pub closed and failed to attract the landlord's attention despite several tugs on the bellpool.

At least I think it was the bell pool.

The Bristol Stool Chart is a diagnostic medical tool developed at the Bristol Royal Infirmary, which classifies human feces into seven categories, ranging from the type 1 hard lump, which is the most difficult to pass, right through to J.D.

Vance.

And talking of uncomfortable stools, let's see who's sitting on them tonight.

On my left, please welcome Rachel Parris and Henny Vane.

And on my right, Marles Chubb and Adrian Edmondson.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between the words Nebuchadnezzar and Jeroboam.

Well, a Nebuchadnezzar is a very large wine bottle, equivalent in capacity to about 20 20 regular bottles, whereas Jeroboam is the BBC's international editor.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Aide, you can start this one.

Condom, when the prisoner's on top,

Rachel

clap aboard the reason your ship is in quarantine

Heming Christine Christine's less dirty sister

Miles

Botticelli buttock-shaped wind instruments

contact sheet.

A judicious poo before being banged up for the night.

Diphthong, how to hand wash your underpants.

Trivilege, a hamlet not yet awarded village status.

Shrink wrap, hip-hop for psychotherapists,

solder, soldier who's lost an eye,

Trite, King Charles's favourite fish,

Universe, a very short poem.

Degrees, Jack's lubricant.

Ploy, a theatrical production in Birmingham.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs now in the round called Pick Up song.

These days rare vinyl fetches a fortune at auction.

The holy grail for collectors is the Wurzel's famous Aretha Franklin cover, U-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

In this round, Sven will spin the discs and each of you will sing along to your discs until Sven turns the music down.

If, on its return, you're within announced chuff of the original, I'll be awarding points.

And points mean a frankly damning illustration of all that's wrong with contemporary Britain.

What do points mean?

Prize!

Yes, and this week's prize is the latest in French cast iron cookware for the discerning castaway.

It's this Le Robinson Crusé.

Miles Jock, we're going to start with you, and I'd like you to accompany with a bit of help from your fellow panelists, Blue Swede, singing Hooked on a Feeling.

I can't stop this feeling

deep inside of me.

Girl, you just don't realize

what you do to me.

When you hold me

in your arms so tight, you let me know

everything's alright.

Hooked on a feeling?

How high I'm believing

that you in love with me.

Okay.

Your next, Aide Edmondson.

I'd like you to accompany the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy in the UK.

Right

now.

I am an Antichrist.

I am an anarchist.

Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it.

I want to destroy passers-by, cause I

want to be

anarchy

No Dog's Bunny

and a Keith in the

body's half time

stopped in the game

You know Henning

Would you accompany Jürgen Driffs singing Einbet in Konfeld?

Have you had a stroke?

No.

I was speaking German.

This is a version of Let Your Love Flow by the Bellamy Brothers, which was successfully annexed by Germany in 1976.

I'll just briefly pause while listeners at home turn their radios back up

And finally would you Rachel Parris please accompany the band Bare Naked Ladies singing one week?

Don't you ladies stop think you think you're looking at Aquaman?

I summon fish to the dish.

Although I like the Shelly Swiss, I like the sushi cause it's never touched a frying pan.

Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes, speak like the Allen rhymes, cause I'm all about value.

But Kemfo's got the mad hits.

You try to match wits, you try to hold me, but I bust through.

Gonna make a break and take a fake it like a stinky nak and shake it like vanilla race.

I vanish to the flavors.

Gonna see the show, cause then you'll know the verdigo is gonna grow.

Cause it's so dangerous, you'll have to sign a waiver.

Can I help it if you think you're funny when you're mad?

Trying hard not to smile, though I feel bad.

I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.

Can't understand what I mean, well, you soon will.

I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve.

I have a history of taking off my shirt.

It's been one week since you...

Yep, couldn't have done it better myself.

Okay, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotions without words.

The world's greatest mime was, of course, Marcel Marceau.

Marceau died in 2007, and his funeral proved to be distressing for the pallbearers.

In fact, it was only after the funeral director insisted Marceau's body be placed in a real box that the situation improved.

Anyway, in our version of Sherard's, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

So first up is Rachel and Henning, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Hi, Dee High.

Heidi High.

This is a TV programme, three words.

Before we start, I'll just pass a script to Jack, if you don't mind helping Jack.

Oh, no, I'll be delighted.

Thank you.

Hello, Jack.

Hello.

Well,

so it's a T V programme.

T V.

D D brief D.

Something with a D, isn't it?

Something with D.

Yes.

World in Action has got a D in it.

Hello.

Hail.

Hello.

It might not be hello.

Hey, hello.

Hi, D, hi.

So, Miles and Aid, your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board.

And here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Marathon Man.

Marathon Man.

Well, this is a film.

It's two words.

Look, you just have to accept it.

I can't.

It was 1990, Miles.

Just can't.

You can't keep clinging to the past.

It still has the same sort of gooey, caramelly, peanutty goodness.

Honestly, it's important to me.

My granddad was one.

My father was one.

I myself will always be.

Don't say it.

Is it marathon man?

Okay, final title being displayed for you, Rachel and Henning.

And here once more is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Dasput.

Dasput.

It's a feeling with two words.

Right.

Gutenmorgen.

Gutenmorgen.

Is this Russell and Bromley?

Yeah.

Undaba, Ich

Ich wollen ein Wellingten, bitter.

Ein Wellington?

Yeah.

Just ein?

Just ein.

Das ist ein bit unusual.

Goodbye, Lenin.

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

It's often hard for bands to make money in their early days, so many will accept commercial sponsorship simply to survive.

One thinks of the band Wet Leg, who've just secured sponsorship from Tenor Lady.

Well, in this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening lines of a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

And at the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Well,

incidentally, Colin was telling us that a recent solo concert at London's Wigmore Hall proved to be the highest-grossing performance of his career.

Colin put it down to Ticketmaster's ingenious dynamic price scheme.

Although the entrance fee was only £6.50, the price to get out was £38 quid.

You can go first.

Miles and aid, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Everybody's talking at me.

I don't hear a word they're saying.

Only the echoes of my mind.

You don't hear because you don't listen, Adrian.

deal yum de la, um de la yum de lie, because I was afraid to speak when I was just a lad.

Me father gave me nose a tweak and told me I was bad.

But then one day I learnt a word that saved me aching nose.

Childline.

You say yes,

I say no,

you say stop, but I say go, go, go.

This is why I have to fail you.

That is a major fault

A candy coloured clown they call the Sandman

Tiptoes to my room every night

Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper Do a cartwheel for you nice Uncle George

One for the Bristol City, two for the boys in red.

That's three, that's a bigger crowd than usual.

It's a little bit funny,

this feeling inside.

But the good news is: if you look at the monitor, your colon's quite clear so far.

I'm just gonna get it around this last little corner.

It's one of all of us who've been there.

Well, I wish I knew how

it would feel to be free.

And I wish I could break all these chains holding me.

I'm not stopping until you remember the safe word.

Is it banana?

Well, it's your turn now.

Rachel and Henning, can we have your first line medley, please?

Out on the wily, windy moors with a roll and falling green.

You had a temple like my jealousy, too hard, too greedy.

How could you leave me when I needed to possess you?

I just find you a bit on the intense side.

I like it, I like it.

Well, I don't.

I don't want to set the world

on afire.

About Salvid, I'm turning on that patio eater.

Hey, good looking

cocaine

crystal meth.

Either you can sing or you can't.

Why do birds suddenly appear

every time

you are near?

Because my pockets are full of worms.

Let there be you,

let there be me,

let there be oysters

under the sea.

Let there be wind

and occasional rain.

Chili corn carne

and sparkling champagne.

So you have clearly never been to a harvester before.

L

is for the way you look at me.

O is for the only one I see.

V is for venereal disease, I'm afraid.

I feel pretty.

I'm so pretty.

I feel pretty and witty and bright.

That's the cocaine talking.

Welcome to this inaugural meeting of the Jack D Fan Club.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round called Dinner Table or Bedroom, the IKEA.

The IKEA restaurant in Oslo made the news recently when one unhappy customer successfully sued the company after finding a rule plug in his meatball.

The trial took longer than expected because IKEA's lawyers took forever building their case.

So, teams, in this round, I'd like you please to come up with phrases that might be suitable to use both at the dinner table and in the bedroom.

Miles, you can start.

I like to dribble a little oil on mine.

Aides?

Well, that's the last time we have your parents round.

Henning.

This reminds me of my time in prison.

Rachel.

That was nice, but I still prefer five guys.

If the dog's bothering you, I can put them in the garden.

Oh no, I think I left the giblets in.

In some cultures, it's polite to burp afterwards.

And it's polite not to leave until everyone has finished.

Just ten more minutes.

The meat really does need to rest.

But remember to chew every mouthful.

Don't check if it's done or it'll take longer.

Bring it to your mouth, not your mouth to it, please.

If you don't eat it now, I'll just bring it out again at breakfast.

Is service included?

Sorry, it's a bit dry.

I've put some little bowls out so you can clean your fingers.

Smack the bottom really hard and see if anything comes out.

I might just have to loosen my trousers and go for seconds.

Oh, what a lovely spread.

Shall I be mother?

Oh, let's not be formal, just use your hands.

Sorry, I started without you.

This is mostly crust.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

as the tennis ball of time torpedoes off the racket strings of regret and into the twin testicles of eternity,

I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Bristol, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

In Invain, Miles Jupp, Rachel Parris, and Abe Edmondson were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Con himself setting some of them to mutant.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

And the producer was John Maismith.