Klutz Action Lawsuit Live in Burlington

It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne, and with me is Judge John Hodgman.

This week's episode was recorded live in Burlington, Vermont.

We talked about what happens when loving couples share their shirts.

We talked about mustaches cannot be shared, and what to do when you minorly injure yourself at home and your partner is squeamish.

We had a blast up there in Burlington, Vermont.

Let's go to the stage of the higher ground ballroom.

People of Burlington, Vermont, you asked us for live justice, and we are here to deliver it.

The court of Judge John Hodgman is now in session.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom.

Thank you, Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Judge Hodgman, we received a lot of submissions for our show here in Burlington.

Too many to hear live on the stage.

So let's start things off by clearing the docket.

First up is a letter from Cypress.

Pre.

Holy cow.

Please order my friend Ribbett to stop consuming paint.

Whether it's solid watercolors, leftover paint water, or just straight up paint, Ribbett has been eating and drinking paint with enthusiasm for years.

As someone who has paid the price for consuming too much paint myself,

I worry about Ribbet's health.

Who is right?

Okay.

We don't make these up.

I can't emphasize that enough.

Now, Cypress,

this took a real turn there when Cypress revealed that they also have enjoyed

drinking paint.

Consuming paint, I should say.

They're off the stuff now.

Well, I hope that Cypress and Ribbit are okay.

I am going to say I don't know.

I could only speculate as to what pleasure someone would take of consuming watercolors.

Probably there are paints that are non-toxic, the kinds that you give to children, for example,

because they're definitely going to consume paint, mostly through the nose.

And yet I would say before consuming any further paint, please do consult your physician.

It's the principle of the...

I'm going to say it's the ruling, the official ruling of the Judge John Hodgman Court.

Please talk to a doctor or a nurse practitioner.

Yeah.

or a medical professional before eating any more paint.

Do we have any more?

Yeah, here's one from Melissa.

We are from Montreal, and my husband bought me tickets for your Burlington show for my birthday.

Oh, happy birthday, Melissa.

He's a wonderful whole human being in his own right, but he refuses to let me borrow any of his flannel shirts.

I think it's wasteful for me.

See the crowd.

This is a real northern Vermont, southern Quebec crowd.

It's like really struck at their core principles.

The flannels.

I think it's wasteful to buy my own shirt when he has 10 of them.

I want that flannel.

But he's an only child who will not share.

Whoa.

Libel.

Mel C.

Boku.

Melissa did sign her letter, Merci Boku.

Melissa, are you here?

Happy birthday.

And your husband, who's a whole wonderful human being in his own right, you failed to name him.

Gabriel?

Are you francophones or anglophones or biphones?

Why don't you want to share your flannel?

She's messy.

She's messy.

Do you think that Melissa's estimate of ten flannels is accurate?

Is that high or low?

A bit high?

Combienne.

Combienne!

Huit?

Cet, sis,

8.

Jacques Cousteau, monsieur.

Let me ask the question

with a show of applause.

Or how about this?

I shouted tribien.

Do people of northern Vermont and southern Quebec share or not share their flannels with their partners?

If you believe yes, now yell Trébien.

If you believe no, yell no.

Actually, how about ménon?

I think the tribiens have it.

Trébiens come by a comfortable margin.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Gabrielle.

You're sharing your life with someone, I mean,

your spouse is going to steal your shirts.

Especially if they can fit into them, right?

I mean, that's part of the pleasure of having a partner in life, is to be able to share shirts, shirt shares, you know?

And I'm sorry that Melissa is so messy.

Maybe take it easy on the poutine when you're wearing Gabriel's flannels.

Share my flannel.

Now, Judge Hodgman, our first live case of the evening.

Please welcome to the stage Kate and Joel.

Kate and Joel, please approach.

Kate says her partner Joel has a mustache, but Joel disagrees.

He says, while he does have a a beard, he would never sport a mustache.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Kate and Joel, welcome to my fake court.

Nice to see you both.

Kate, you think that your partner Joel has a mustache.

Joel, you say you do not have one.

I am.

I am looking at you right now.

For those who might be listening,

and I'm about done with the gaslighting.

I know what I see,

which is a full face of facial hair, including under-nostril hair.

If that is not a mustache, Joel, what is it?

I prefer to view it as a beard.

The full function is a beard.

It's part of the beard.

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, it is actually just a beard.

There is no separate part.

Beards have no constituent constituent parts.

Is that what you're arguing?

Right.

Like, you wouldn't say that Kate has a mullet.

There's no unit.

No, I wouldn't.

There's no unit between

beard and hair.

I agree with you, Joel, that I would not say that Kate has a mullet because for those of you who are listening, I'm looking at Kate right now and she does not have a mullet.

It's a specific kind of hairstyle,

which is not Kate's.

Yeah, her hairstyle is medium on the top, business in the back.

I think it's like business on the back, Zoom meetings on the top from home, you know.

Kate, how did this first come up?

Well, he had something in his mustache.

What did he have in his mustache?

Food.

Right.

What kind of food?

Impatient.

Flannel shirt, food.

Flannel shirt.

Lasagna.

Lasagna.

Maybe.

I don't recall, Your Honor.

Okay.

Well, then I rule in Joel's favor.

I'm sorry.

Specificity is the soul of narrative, and food is in the mustache.

I need to know what kind.

Was it a chowder, Joel?

I'm sorry.

Was it that chowder in your mustache?

Probably, yes.

What's your favorite food?

Lasagna.

Lasagna.

All right, let's say it was lasagna.

Okay.

It was lasagna.

So Joel had a big old square lasagna underneath his nostrils, and you told him, clear it out of your mustache, buddy.

Yep.

And what happened?

He said, I don't have a mustache.

And how did you feel when he told you something was obviously untrue?

It's a familiar feeling at this point, but

thanks.

Wow.

I mean, not from him personally.

But

I didn't feel great.

I know that I probably bickered with him a little bit about it.

What would you have preferred that Kate say?

Beard.

You have lasagna in your beard.

Why do you hate mustaches so much?

I mean, look at me and Jesse.

We both have mustaches.

Oh, I know.

You judge me because my beard doesn't connect with my mustache.

Isn't that it?

Look at my feeble facial hair.

I can barely get the two sides of my mustache to connect to each other in the filtrum between my nose.

You judge me, don't you, Joel?

Just a little bit, maybe.

Oh, wow.

What is it?

Why, why, why do you not, why do you take this stand that you don't have a mustache?

And don't say because I have a beard, Joel.

Are you trying to tell me that maybe I have a little bias against mustaches?

Possibly.

I'm just wondering because I guess I do have a little bias against

mustaches.

Tell me about it.

Just

tell me about it.

Well,

his stepdad was magnum P.I.

You know, honestly, back in the 80s, I did think mustaches were pretty great.

Yeah, of course they were.

Jesse Thorne, did you or did you not co-host a recap podcast of all of the films of Burt Reynolds?

It wasn't quite all of the films of Burt Reynolds, but let's say the major works.

The major works of Burt Reynolds.

And Jesse, what was the name of that podcast?

That was called Stream.

Stash Rules Everything Around Me.

One of the best podcast titles of all time.

Kate, have you talked to anyone else about this dispute?

Has this come up among your friend group at all?

It has.

Tell me.

Well, I asked my friend Seth,

who I would identify as also having a beard and mustache,

but he agreed with Joel.

He thought the whole thing was a beard.

So Seth agreed with Joel.

Yes.

Joel, are you familiar with the works

of the Massachusettsian philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson?

Not at all.

Oh, so then you may not be aware of his occasional house guest and deadbeat friend, Henry David Thoreau,

who lived in a cabin on the shores of Walden Pond, living the natural life of solitude with nature, unless he got hungry and then walked over to

Waldo Emerson's house and took a pie home with him.

Are you familiar, Joel, with the neck beard of Henry David Thoreau and others?

Are you familiar with a beard that is just the neck without anything under the nose, much like Henry David Thoreau had?

Sure, yes.

Right.

So, what would you have in the place, the absence place that Henry David Thoreau had bare skin?

What would that be?

Shaved?

No, I mean, but you have something that Henry David Thoreau doesn't have.

A companion, for one, at least for now.

Okay.

Let me ask you,

you thought the beard,

let me ask you, you thought that mustaches were fairly cool in the 80s, but now you clearly don't feel that they're cool.

Tell me why.

Personally, for me, I would never wear one.

I honestly don't

want to be with anybody else wearing them.

Yeah.

But what is it?

Why do you not even like the term?

The term?

I'm not saying I dislike the term.

Joel, you have a mustache.

It's part of your beard.

I understand that you feel that way, yes.

Hold.

I feel like, correct me if I'm wrong, John.

I feel like all discourse in the United States about negative social interactions over the past decade has come to be referred to as gaslighting.

And here we have an actual example.

For those who.

I don't have a mustache, he said, using the mouth under his mustache.

Kate, do you have any other complaints about Joel before I

anything to do with mushrooms or butter by any chance?

Oh, yeah, actually, I do.

Did you perhaps submit four or five cases?

Yes.

Yes, Your Honor, I did.

Did they all revolve around Joel by any chance?

Yes, they did.

Yes.

We've also been in the New York Times magazine.

Oh, I settled a dispute of yours between you and Joel.

Which one was that?

I don't recall.

The tiger birthday.

Tiger birthday?

Yeah.

All right.

That does not explain anything to me.

Okay.

And apparently it was my brain.

It's a legend in our house now.

All right.

We'll look that up online.

Okay.

So the...

Two of the other ones involving food were mushrooms.

He has to always use the mushroom stems.

And I

don't like the mushroom stems.

They're woodier than the rest of the mushroom.

Okay.

So

I feel that I'm in my rights to just not use them when I make mushrooms.

All right.

I'm not trying to make it.

I put that in.

I understand.

I understand.

The other one is that he will put, he really wants to have the butter dish set up so that the paper from the butter is still on the butter within the butter dish.

And then

apparently, this is the other thing besides flannel.

It makes sense.

It's flannel and dairy.

Flannel and dairy.

Exactly so.

I think the audience appreciates the problem with that, Joel, which is that when the butter gets soft, you can't pull off the paper very well.

Is that the issue?

That's the issue with me.

That's an issue.

His argument, if I remember correctly, is that it keeps the butter dish cleaner.

Yeah.

And, you know, but also at what cost?

All right.

I'm going to make a triptych of rulings right now, Swift Justice style.

First of all, use the stems unless they're woody.

There's nothing wrong with those stems.

There's a lot of mushroom there.

Don't waste food.

Second of all, take the paper off the butter before you put it in the dish.

Third of all, Joel, you got a split decision so far.

Pro-stem, anti-butter paper.

Where am I going to land on this beard mustache issue?

Somewhere under your nose.

I will allow you your delusion.

Thank you.

If, if, if, sir, if

you right now come up with a better name for the fur under your nose.

We covered that already.

It was beard?

No.

No, sir, no.

Because when you're walking around with lasagna in your beard, that's a whole region of your underface.

If you have lasagna in a specific place, Kate needs a region to describe.

So there's cheek beard, there's chin beard, there's soul patch beard, there's alternate cheek beard.

What is the spot above your lips?

Point to it.

What's this?

No, I want a word.

It's you give me a new word or it's mustache all the way home.

I'm just gonna let you have it.

It's it's mustache.

Mustache it is.

Thank you, Kate and Joel.

I was gonna allow Kate

top beard,

nostril fur,

any of those will work.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here, Joel.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

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Burlington, Vermont, are you ready for mega justice?

Let's bring out our litigants.

Please welcome to the stage Lisa and Adrian.

Tonight's case, Klutz Action Lawsuit.

Lisa says her husband Adrian bonks his head too much.

Lisa wants him to be more careful and stop bonking, or at least stop sending her photos of his bloodied head.

Adrian wants Lisa to accept his clumsiness and also to dress his wounds.

Who's right, who's wrong, only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers an obscure cultural reference

they want you to feel powerless and to surrender and to let them trample everything

and you are not going to let them you are not giving up and neither am I the fact that we cannot save everything does not mean that we cannot save anything.

And everything we can save is worth saving.

You may need to grieve or scream or take time off, but you have a role no matter what.

And right now, good friends and good principles are worth gathering in.

Remember what you love.

Remember what loves you.

Remember in this tide of hate what love is.

The pain you feel is because you keep bonking your head all the time.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants are.

Lisa and Adrian, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that I'm the one who's 6'4 ⁇ , which is the mathematically perfect height for hitting your head on ⁇

I do.

I do.

Because if you're taller, you see it coming.

Shouldn't you be able to avoid it?

No, because it's right here.

It It hits you right here.

You think you're safe.

You think I'm just a medium-tall person.

You think you're the height of your own eyes.

Yeah.

But then it turns out

you got a hell of a dome.

You just got clipped.

On your top head.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Lisa and Adrian, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors.

Can either of you name a piece of culture that I referenced and quoted directly until the last sentence.

Lisa, do you want to guess first?

Well, it was a very beautiful and meaningful meaningful quote, and I did have a pre-prepared guess, which

is kind of fitting, but

I said Star Wars was my idea.

It could work.

It could work.

Let's do this family feud style.

Do I see Star Wars?

Could be Star Wars.

Could be Star Wars.

We'll keep it up on the board.

Okay.

Adrian, are you thinking clearly today?

I do believe I have an answer.

Yes, I think it sounds very much like the second episode of Harold and the Purple Crayon.

Second.

That's a book, first of all.

So there's a children's TV show.

Oh, there's a children's TV show.

Okay.

All right.

Let's put it up in the bar and find out.

Do I see Harold and the Purple Crayon second episode?

Augustuses are wrong.

I'm so sorry.

That was actually a quote from the writer Rebecca Solnit from a post that she posted this morning

and that my adult daughter forwarded to me, and it made me feel better.

So, I wanted to share it with all of you.

Not just my, our adult daughter, anyway.

So, let's move on.

It's not about bonking your head, obviously, but this is.

Are you from Burlington?

I live in, we live in Massachusetts.

I did go to college in Middlebury, and I hung out in the 80s.

I was here.

Don't worry, they don't hate you.

This isn't Maine.

This is Vermont.

I'm sure there's some rivalry, I love Burlington.

Thank you for being here.

So, Adrian, Lisa says that you bonk your head too much on things.

How often are you bonking?

What are we talking about?

More than once a week?

Not more than once a week, no.

Maybe once a month.

And what part of Vermont is your accent from?

I grew up in a little town a little ways from here.

But I've been over here for 30 years, so I'm practically a native, I promise you.

All they care about is does he have a passport and are you going back?

To see how tonight turns out, Your Honor.

Where?

No, tonight's the deciding factor?

Where are you from originally?

I'm from a town called Derby, or Derby, as it would be.

Derby in England.

Yeah, right, yeah, exactly.

And you're like, well, things didn't go so well that one night.

I'll just see, let's see how the Judge John Hodgman show goes before I make a final decision.

A lot of riding on it.

All right.

So you bonk your head from time to time.

Describe some of the bonking situations.

Oh, I usually walk into things.

I'm sure my wife will

have a few more descriptions as we go through.

Typically, I'll walk into things.

Well, because she does all the mental load and keeps track of everything for you.

Or you don't remember the bonks because you're bonking so hard.

Clearly you'll learn that as we go through this evening.

He takes off his shirt.

It's covered in tattoos designed to remind him of things.

That's

things, but they ought fall.

What kind of, like, are you walking into like trees, beams,

doors, classic bonking materials?

We have

our basement stairs at home have a very low corner piece.

We've been in the house 15 years, and I think still

a couple of months I'd bang my head on it.

I put padding on it on that.

Okay.

John, every time he goes into the basement, it's a real bonk adventure.

There you go.

And it's drawing blood from time to time?

From time to time, yes.

I say.

Copious amounts from time to time.

Copious amounts.

Oh, no.

Have you always been, I don't know another word for it, but like clumsy

or just head clumsy?

Tall.

Always been tall.

What is your height, if I may ask?

6'1.

6'1.

And, yeah, that's pretty tall.

Definitely taller than me.

And do you have, have you always hit your head on stuff?

No, I feel like it's a fairly,

I think it started maybe around 15 years ago.

My wife and I have been together about 15 years.

Those are just two separate facts.

Really, I mean, anyone would draw any conclusions there might be wrong.

I mean, the reality is that before 15 years ago, there's no one who can testify to whether.

Lisa, Adrian just accused you and your marriage of being cause of bonking.

And now you hit the crux of the problem.

Oh

I'm glad to get it to you.

Because you have a folio of papers.

I won't use it right now.

Okay.

I really suspect there is subliminal intent behind his head hitting because it seems to occur when I've asked him to do something like, oh, put your shoes back or can you help me with this or fix that?

And all and then suddenly there's blood and head hitting and can't do it anymore and I have to hire a professional

to put his shoes back no no no it depends on the job depends on the job and it's not always the head I mean it can be like gashes or or or you know if he's cooking he'll cut his finger almost off or I don't know it's just and it's just and the other issue is that I am by nature very squeamish.

I don't like blood.

I skipped biology when I was young.

It's that bad.

But then he seems to have fun, kind of like whatever's bleeding.

Like he sent me a photo.

No, you may hand that out.

You may hand that a photo

of the share with it.

The fro in the photo is not related to that head injury.

That's a separate thing.

What is a separate thing?

That fro.

In Vermont, I guess you guys must know what a fro is.

Yes.

I didn't know until we got a fro.

In any case, I spent a lot of of time with a fairy.

What's a fro!

Well, it's in Vermont, it's certainly not an African-American haircut.

Oh, no.

I apologize.

It's F-R-O-E.

F-R-O-E.

It's a kind of a tool.

It's a tool that splits wood.

A wood-splitting tool called a fro.

And

what did you do with the fro?

How did you get that into your head?

That was a hand.

That wasn't a thing.

Why am I looking at this picture of this fro?

What is this, the hammocker slummer cow?

This is my only little evidence picture page.

I know, but you made it.

Why is there a picture of a fro?

It's a different incident.

I mean, okay.

So the fro was involved, and when he got the fro, he gets really sharp things.

He leaves X-Acto blades all over the place, but the fro he bought.

I'm like, you really need to

be careful with that fro.

You're going to cut yourself on that fro.

And he's like, oh, no, I'm not going to do that.

And then he went out to chop that.

Actually, you weren't.

You were just picking it up.

You were just picking it up up to use the fro.

But the fro, you say yes.

I say no.

He didn't realize it would be so sharp.

Anyway, then he ran to me.

Did you pick it up by the blade?

Apparently, I did.

Yeah, he did it, apparently.

Let me see your hand.

Not my best move.

It's still scar.

I didn't say it down there.

Wow.

Yeah, that's pretty deep.

So the fro has nothing to do with this.

It does a gash in his forehead that is bleeding in this photo that you've shared.

We don't have projection here, so I'm not going to share it with you, but that was a head-hitting incident.

That is aught to be when he was fixing

something.

Can I clarify something?

Was the issue that whenever you print something out,

a fro with a bloody hand appears on it?

That's scary.

Is this an elevated horror film, man?

That's pretty A-24 horror over there.

I was just sort of grouping my evidence together on the same page to be efficient to speak.

Look, you did a a wonderful job okay the the evidence uh of uh uh uh serious gravity here is this photo that you have taking of yourself in a mirror of a fairly nasty looking gash in your head yes and then

when there's a photo a screenshot of your phone

adrian has texted this photo to you with the caption and i'll hand this to jesse just another day for your adorable husband

wow

It's a lot of blood.

I maybe did not think that one through.

Hold on, because John, you.

Are you thinking through the other ones?

I have a feeling I might be as the evening goes on.

John, you left out part of the dialogue that is absolutely essential to capturing the spirit of this screen cap that we've been handed.

There's the picture of the horrible blood pouring down his head.

Yeah.

Then it says, just another day for your adorable husband

emoji.

Then she replies, why did you do that?

That's a good question, and I'll allow it.

Why did you do that, Adrian?

It's a two-part question.

Three, actually.

What did you do to your head?

Explain what happened, if you remember.

Second part, excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Then why did you do it?

And then more, why did you send this photo to Lisa since you know that she's squeamish about blood?

The first two I think I can answer.

Very good.

I was, as always,

so I do a lot of stuff

around the house.

All right, that's all I needed to hear.

Thank you.

Whether it's fixing things, running around, chopping things, whatever it might be, on that particular.

Picking up blades with your bare hands.

So I'm in the process of turning turning our garret at garage into a woodworking shop and i this does not sound i was up a

i was up a ladder and uh worked trying to hang some drywall on a beam that runs through the garage um and i maybe was a little too far up the ladder and maybe leaning across a little too far and kind of lost touch with the ladder and on my way down happened to hit my head on the beam that I was hanging the sheet rack on.

Quite simple, really.

Did you need stitches?

I can't tell you.

I think only once I've needed stitches.

You never need stitches?

He does need them, but avoid it.

Push your pencil.

He avoids it at all costs and will bleed a lot instead.

And I'll be wrapping things around.

You're building a workshop, a woodworking shop.

And you said garage, but I say garage.

Thank you.

Thank you, Iran.

I am warming to you.

Thank you.

Lisa,

how do you feel about woodworking?

What kind of tools are you going to have in your woodworking shop?

Oh, well, I have the tools.

I just didn't have the shop.

Hand tools only.

Hand tools only, not electric band saws.

I do have a band saw on the table saw.

Yeah, I know.

I trust him more with the power tools than I do with the hand tools.

For some reason, he seems a lot more lax with the hand tools.

Is that true?

Do you take more care with the power tools than the hand tools?

I I think so, yes.

Yeah.

Okay.

John, this is a safety area.

He's building this.

Any time he spends in the wood shop is time he doesn't spend in his private abattoir.

So

you haven't answered yet why you send these photos when you know,

or do you know, you're not learning just now that it upsets your wife.

Yeah, this one's this is a this is where I feel like I'm on the back foot, just a little.

Don't fall over.

Her reaction,

as the night goes on, you might hear one of her squeals, and it's quite a squeal.

And if, I guess it's kind of cool.

Can I interject?

You may, give me a moment just to process what I just said.

All right, now you may interject.

I could just say ask him about his childhood, if you would.

Oh, Alex?

Adrian, tell me about your childhood.

It was a long time ago.

He was the youngest, much younger.

Of how many?

Just of three.

He had two older brother and sister.

His parents were exhausted.

didn't pay much attention.

I mean, loved him very much.

Exhausted, though.

And his older siblings teased him a lot.

And I think to him, I'm both like the younger sibling he never had to tease.

And also, in return, so I'm also ridiculously like nurturing.

And when he gets wounded, as much as I hate it, and I hate the blood, well, part of it is I just want to cover up the blood.

But I will go to all ends of the earth to like, you know, run, get band-aids disinfected, and quickly, quickly.

And he seems to just sit there in a very relaxed fashion, enjoying me, running around, trying to find things to stop the bleeding.

And so it's a mixed thing.

So he tortures me, and then I nurse him, and then I kiss his boo-boo.

And I should, I'm doing all the wrong things.

I realize that

I'm enabling him.

No, or it's just sexy roleplay.

No, no,

no.

No, because I'm also really annoyed.

Then I also get angry because I don't like blood and it makes me angry.

So he gets a wide range of reactions.

And they're real.

They're real reactions.

I'm going to ask you, I'll remind you: you're under fake oath.

So answer yes or no only, please.

Do you send photos of your wounds because you know and enjoy the fact that it freaks Lisa out?

Remember what we were talking about, the little screams?

Yes, Your Honor.

Yes.

I appreciate that.

And do you enjoy her ministering to your wounds?

Yes, Your Honor.

And Lisa, you say that you're squeamish, but you've managed to keep him patched up and together without stitches.

I mean, you're good at it.

Yeah, I have another example.

It's not blood.

So he was going down the stairs to put his shoes back.

And instead of hitting his head, he slipped and fell.

And next thing I know, he's running upstairs with his pinky finger bent 90 degrees the wrong way.

And he's like, look at this.

And I'm like,

So, it's truly for me, it's an attempt to just stop the distortion and whatever.

So, I'm very crafty, and I like working with metal, so I run to my craft shop, and I'm like forging him this splint because we had no splints.

What the hell is going on in Massachusetts?

So, I'm like, I run it back, I put this splint.

Anyway, by the time he got to the emergency room, because it was, it actually was bad, his doctor thought I was a medical professional.

He was very impressed with my splint.

Honestly,

the more he used a stat of wrought iron.

So, yeah, I mean, maybe for me it is a.

I'm quietly satisfied by my ability to nurse said wounds and so forth.

You described three categories of Adrian's injuries.

I did.

Would you like to list the categories or shall I?

You can.

Okay, because I have them right now.

Yes, go for it.

Injuries that happen when I've asked him to do something.

Yes.

Such as most of them.

Put your shoes away, for example.

Injuries that add an element of romance while I dress his wound.

And third category, injuries that happen after I've warned him.

Thus the fro.

That's where the fro comes in.

Yeah.

Oh, did you warn him not to grab his fro by the blade?

I just said stay away from the fro.

And he didn't stay away from the frost.

And he didn't stay away from it.

Adrian, are these categories fair?

Yes.

I believe so.

I believe so.

Lisa, you want me to rule that Adrian exercise more caution.

Do you think that that's even possible?

I realize that's asking a lot.

So I understand that is an unrealistic request, that particular one.

But at least maybe don't bleed in my direction.

That would be great.

So that if he hurts himself, he should not come to you for primary care.

Correct.

Yeah.

Because it makes you uncomfortable.

Yeah, because, well, and it's a little, it's disproportionate because when I get injured, I'm very self-sufficient.

I take care of myself, but there was one time that I sprayed myself in the eye with Poison Ivy Killer.

I was holding, you know, those automatic ones.

Anyway, I got my eye and it hurt.

And I said, please go get the eye wash.

And then, so when I get hurt he runs around like a chicken with its head cut off and it's like where do I go where do I go what do I do and I'm like it's in the closet on the first shoe is he does he have the the fro by the by the blade and he's gesturing around the house with it knocking things over on to his own head bonk bonk bonk cans of cream corn coming down okay maybe not that bad but I mean no he honestly in these occasions will even like fall or hit his head looking for what I need him to like help me with if I need like if I'm bleeding because I anyway And so, I, by the time he runs down to say he couldn't find the eye wash, which was exactly where I said it was, um, I had already stuck my head in a bucket that was in the basement of water.

So, I just managed it myself.

So, if it was equal, right?

If I got injured and he did the same for me, I might not be here.

Honestly, I'm just listening to this and thinking about the fact that you have industrial safety equipment in your home in every closet.

There's like

that's one of those

fire extinguishers for chemical fires only

he's got a wood shop and she's got a full blacksmith operation they got to have an eyewash

adrian

do you think that this is something that you could with a little extra care stop from happening as often i'm not sure i could your honor i think

it's his passion i don't

I don't wake up every day thinking, I think I'm going to bunk my head today.

Why not?

There seems to be precedent.

I run around a lot, I do a lot of things, and sometimes things get in the way, whether that's my head or my hand or something else.

What would you have me rule if I were to rule in your favor?

Just maybe a little more understanding on that front.

That

I'm bringing a lot to the relationship with the things that I do.

This is starting

and in the process of bringing those things, doing the work, taking my shoes downstairs,

making nice furniture for the living room.

Sure, I might have a little accident along the way, but I'm not sitting on the couch watching football every Sunday.

Is it true that he's a handy woodworker when he's not injuring himself?

Do you have some beautiful blood-stained furniture that he's made for you?

I haven't seen any furniture yet.

Have you made the furniture yet?

I hear talk of the furniture.

What are you working on?

Our entire entertainment center.

Sorry, our entire entertainment center.

I apologize.

He did make a nice entertainment center.

Yes, he did.

That was a while ago.

I forgot.

And what kind of.

You mean like maybe 1997 when people had entertainment centers in their house?

Good point.

Thank you.

What kind of wood did you make the entertainment center out of?

That's out of cherry.

Cherry wood.

It demands a blood sacrifice, cherry.

It does.

It's good to hand split it first with a throw.

Yeah.

John, everything that Adrian just said sounded basically like this to me.

Hey, so I do a lot of things around the house.

I'm going to be running around.

And if something should get run into.

So I'm thinking maybe, Lisa, you should buy some insurance.

Yeah.

By the way, Jesse, your English accent is getting real.

Thank you.

It felt like home.

If a wound might get opened.

All right, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I am going to descend into my chambers.

I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Lisa, how are you feeling about your chances in the case right now?

I think pretty good as far as the bleeding portion goes.

I would think he'd have sympathy for me on that one based on what I've heard him rule in the past.

I I mean, if I don't like things, then he shouldn't

make me try.

It seems like a big piece of this could end up being whether Judge Hodgman knows that you just mount TVs on the wall now.

Adrian, how are you feeling about your chances?

I'm not feeling great.

I think I was on the back foot from the start here.

Or the front foot or both.

Head over heels.

And then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the stage at the higher ground ballroom.

What's going on with you?

Well, as you may know, Jesse, I am recording right now from my summer chambers up here in the state of Maine, specifically WERUFM 89.9 on your FM dial in Orland, Maine.

And if you're not in Orland, Maine, you can get it throughout the world at weru.org.

You may know, and if you don't, please do know that we are in the midst of WERU's pledge drive.

WERU is a wonderful community supported and community-programmed station.

It's one of the last true freeform stations that I'm aware of in the Northeast or the United States.

A third of its budget is being lost due to Congress defunding the corporation for public broadcasting.

It's hard times for community radio stations all around the country.

WERU is no exception.

It also happens to be a really fun place that programs some really indispensable, not only music, but news and community information.

So I hope you will check out the station WERU.org.

It's a lot of fun to listen to.

If you know Joel, the main man man, I'd say hi, Joel.

Hello.

Yep.

You'll know that he's been a staple of our program for almost a decade now, and we could not do do the show without his support and WERU support.

I hope you'll offer them your support if you can.

Also, I'd like to remind you that a friend of the court, Margaret Grace Myers, has written a wonderful history and fascinating and upsetting and truly interesting history of sex education in America.

It's called The Fight for Sex Ed, The Century-Long Battle Between Truth and Doctrine.

And it's available very shortly wherever books are sold.

August 12th, 2025, Beacon Press brings it to your bookstore and libraries.

The Fight for Sex Ed by Margaret Grace Myers.

Check it out.

Jesse Thorne, what's going on in your world?

There are two great interviews on Bullseye with Jesse Thorne this week.

One with the great punk rock band Pup, and one with Akiva Schaffer, who is, of course, a member of The Lonely Island, but also, more importantly and more timely,

he is the director of the new Naked Gun movie, which is hilarious.

I hear that's a very funny movie.

Comedy's back in theaters, everyone.

Also, the director of Pop Star, Never Stop, Never Stopping, which if you haven't seen is

one of the five or ten funniest movies of the last 20 years.

Just a hilarious, hilarious movie.

So go listen to that interview with Akiva Schaffer.

I also have been pouring new items into the Put This On shop at putthisonshop.com.

So I hope that you will all go and check out Put This On.

You'll get ready for your autumn with items from the Put This On shop.

We've got all kinds of clothes and gifts and vintage and antique items

and all kinds of just amazing, awesome stuff.

So go to putthisonshop.com.

We actually still have a few,

a few of our New York State of Mind and California Soul baseball caps, which are handmade in Pennsylvania,

one at a time by one human being,

and are absolutely gorgeous.

Leather bands, leather size adjusters made of wool flannel, and you can find them right there at putthisonshop.com.

There's only a couple left of each one.

I'll just repeat, putthisonshop.com.

Go check it out.

Let's get back to Burlington, Vermont.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Just standing up, I got a terrible head rush on me.

Lisa and Adrian, I have really enjoyed hearing about the strange, sexy, silent comedy life you have.

in your extremely dangerous house in Massachusetts.

And And I do sympathize as someone who has bonked my head plenty of times without even being particularly tall.

And

I don't mind being taken care of when I am feeling ill or poorly by the person I love the most in life and share my life with.

My wife is a whole human being in her own right.

She hates it and refuses to do it.

I don't mind putting it out there.

I think she would agree.

If I get sick, she gets mad at me.

I can see it.

Yeah.

She's really cool.

She really is.

She really is.

It is a pleasure to be doted upon when you are bleeding,

as it is also, I trust, a pleasure to dote upon the person that you love and not hurt yourself while trying to...

flush their eyes out of poison ivy poison or whatever it is

put in their in their in Lisa's eye.

When our children were growing up, they had accidents.

And our rule in the house was, hey, accidents happen.

Have less of them.

Make it happen less.

Pay more attention.

And that didn't change anything.

But I still think that when one knows that one is a little bit clumsy or moves too fast or what have you,

that they should exercise care because there could very well be a time when you injure yourself that it is not simply something that can be treated with, I think you said, tissue paper.

Okay, I don't know what's going on in the first aid kits in England,

but we use tissue paper to line gift bags, not to stop bleeding.

There might come a time when you have an injury that Lisa can't help you with.

And obviously it's already happened.

You had to go to the emergency room, which is

time-consuming and expensive and traumatic.

And you shouldn't visit this stuff upon the person that you love.

That said, I think for you, it's going to happen,

both out of a natural clumsiness and stubbornness.

I'm a little concerned about the way you're sitting on this stool right now.

Quite honestly, a little too jaunty for me.

A little afraid that

they're going to collapse beneath both of you simultaneously, and then a chicken with his head cut off is going to run around the stage, and someone's going to start playing Yackety Sacks, the Benny Hill theme.

That might be a little bit beyond your control, though I do,

in a friendly manner, order you to try to take some extra care, especially since, like me,

your time moves in one direction, you're getting older, and your coordination is going to diminish.

As As

compromised as it already is, it's going to get worse.

One thing that I do think that I can order without reservation is:

don't tease your wife with pictures of your wounds.

I'm sorry.

It's mean to her.

My wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, also is squeamish around blood and really, really upsets her.

So I would not send her a picture.

of, say, the wound I have

when I ran into a wall and busted my head open.

I didn't show it to her.

I didn't demand help from her.

I simply got my daughter's friend to drive me to the hospital

because she had her driver's license.

Scars, like the one that I have on my forehead, are very...

I mean, when they last, you're lucky that you don't have a scar.

But do you have one?

Oh, yeah.

There's one there.

Oh, okay.

Well, you should be embarrassed embarrassed about that.

It is, to me, a reminder of poor decision-making

that embarrasses me every time I look in the mirror, you know.

But that said,

since you know that Lisa doesn't enjoy the pictures of the wombs, you have to find

your kink elsewhere

and not send her that stuff and not tease her and not provoke a response, especially if you want her to take care of you.

Can I just get one clarification, Justin?

You may.

Only when there's blood involved or any kind of injury.

And broken.

All body horror.

Yeah, Cronenberg.

What if I'm turning into a fly?

Yeah, don't stick any videocassettes into your abdomen or anything either.

Some deeper cuts out there.

Okay, I like it.

In any case, keep your blood to yourself and do take care of yourself and continue to take care of each other as you do so well.

This is the sound of a gabble.

Judge John Hodgman rules, that is all.

Thank you, Lisa and Adrian.

That's it for this episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you to Reddit user SJ Hamilton43 for naming the case in this episode.

You can follow us on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, where we post evidence and pictures of pets and dank memes and other good things, clips from the show.

Polls and quizzes even.

Yeah, sometimes polls and quizzes.

We're on YouTube and TikTok at JudgeJohn Hodgman Pod, where you can watch video from the show.

Great place to go and smash those like and subscribe buttons.

If you're looking for somewhere to go and smash like and subscribe buttons, can I recommend YouTube and TikTok?

Yeah, Judge John Hodgman Pod.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast created by John Hodgman and Jesse Thorne.

This episode was recorded by Matthew Barnhart.

Hey, Maddie, Dan Telfer is our social media manager.

AJ McKeon, our podcast editor.

Daniel Spear is our video editor.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

And we will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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