Mayo it Please the Court

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, mayo it please the court.

Jacqueline brings the case against her husband, Brandon.

Brandon loves sauce.

He says sauce is one of his major food groups.

But Jacqueline says Brandon's stockpile takes up too much space in their fridge.

Actual major food groups, like vegetables, can't fit.

And yet, Brandon keeps buying more sauce.

Jacqueline wants to put a cap on the sauce count.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

I'm Lewis the Lifeguard, and I'm happy to say I rescued a drowning potato today.

They drowned it in sour cream.

Oh, what a shame.

Because food's so much better when it's practically plain.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in.

Brandon, Jacqueline, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite his obvious bias, given his inherent sauciness?

Yes,

I do.

He's a saucy J for Judge.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

Sorry, I was too busy thinking about all my favorite sauces.

Mayonnaise,

derky sauce,

oh,

Arthur Bryant's barbecue sauce from Kansas City with lard in it.

Sorry.

Brandon, Jacqueline, you may be seated.

I promise you that I am completely impartial.

Even though I love sauce.

But in order to give both of you a fair shake, can either of you name fair shake of sauce fair can either you name the piece of culture that i reference as i entered this courtroom jacqueline we'll start with you i

would have to guess that it's like a humpty dumpty commercial a humpty dumpty potato chip commercial yes

i love it i would only guess that because i know i know that we are reaching you in wonderful Toronto.

No, Ontario.

In Hamilton, yes.

And Hamilton, in Hamilton, Ontario.

Not Toronto, Ontario.

Correct.

I knew which province, but I didn't know the city, but I also knew you enjoy up there in Canada, Humpty-Dumpty brand potato chips.

We do, yes.

In many flavors, including tomato ketchup flavor.

Yes.

And roast chicken.

Roast chicken.

And give me another one.

Fries and gravy.

Fries and gravy.

That's their version of poutine.

And then all dressed, of course.

Yes.

Yes.

Jesse Thorne, how do you feel about all-dressed potato chips?

That's all the flavors when we were last in canada in vancouver british columbia we took the opportunity to stop by some convenience shops and purchase all-dressed potato chips which are fantastic i agree yes they're great

i think they're fine

i think i'm the one person in podcast land that does not love them i think they taste a little muddy you know what the problem is not enough mayonnaise yes i agree you know what yes yeah brandon you love sauce what's your guess um

I'm going to guess that that is from some

bizarre Massachusettsian morality play that you saw as a child.

You're not wrong,

but you're definitely not right.

We were not forced to watch this as a morality play in Massachusetts.

Rather, we were forced to watch this as a morality public service announcement.

in every state and commonwealth of these United States as part of ABC's Saturday morning cartoon lineup.

Most people remember Schoolhouse Rock, which is the short cartoons about civics

back when we thought it was important for people to know about civics.

We also thought that it was important for kids to know about nutrition at one point in this country.

Wild, isn't it?

Bizarre.

And indeed, in 1985, there were a number of different cartoons, short cartoons

as part of a pack of PSA programming called the Bod Squad,

including I Hanker for a Hunk of Cheese,

a slab a slice of chunka, I hanker for a hunk of cheese

by

Time for Timer was the name of the cartoon guy who sang that.

But this was sung by a guy named Louis the Lifeguard, who was advocating that you should not drown your food in condiments, making the frankly very specious claim that food is better when it's practically plain.

I don't agree with Louis the Lifegaard, obviously.

I love myself a sauce, but

I do agree and appreciate that there was a time when major corporations are like, maybe we could do something good with broadcasting.

It was something in any case.

Yeah.

I was turned on to this, in fact, by a redditor in the Maximum Fun subreddit named Dinosaur 1972.

I'm guessing that he is one year less of a dinosaur than I am as I was born in 1971.

I'm also guessing that their pronoun is he.

And if I'm wrong there, I do apologize.

But in any case, Dinosaur 1972 brought this to light in a conversation surrounding our episode number 642, Condiment Crimes with Nick Weiger and Amelia Marino of the Doughboys podcast.

And

Dinosaur 1972 was saying that they were reminded of this old PSA.

I had gone back to that one to remind myself, what is the main one?

When it comes to condiments in the United States, I have a theory, but I'm going to ask you, Brandon and Jacqueline, for another bite at the apple with honey and mustard on it.

Uh-huh.

You're in Canada.

There's a condiment that I consider the main condiment has traditionally been ketchup.

But in recent years, and I think in the future, this condiment will be the main one.

Do you remember what we were talking about?

For America?

Let's say for America, I'm going to guess ranch.

I was actually going to guess the same one.

I believe you.

It's a Thai.

Ranch is the main one.

In Canada, of course, it is no-name brand poutine gravy in a can.

That's right.

Yes.

Or Swish Ale sauce also in a can.

Or in Quebec, Saint-Subert sauce, which is also in a can.

Tell me more about these wonderful sauces.

Swish LA is a kind of a garbage restaurant that we have here in Canada that's a very much a like after-church sit-down family kind of thing.

And it serves rotisserie chicken.

And they have this,

I don't know, highly inscrutable sauce just called chalet sauce that is gravy in appearance, but quite like kind of acidic, almost like a vinegary gravy that's kind of bright and a little spice.

It's kind of like if you took a chicken gravy and then filled it up with like HP sauce, so you had that kind of acidity and like depth and spice in it.

It's very weird and good.

And then Saint-Subert is the Quebecois equivalent of Swiss Chalet, and their sauce is similar, but a bit different.

Also, the subreddit Food Toronto has an entry saying chalet sauce is not good and the world needs to know.

I agree with that.

I am not a chalet sauce fan.

I want to have it.

Yeah.

Next time you're up, you have to go.

That description sounds pretty good.

You need to try it.

Jacqueline, you bring the case against your husband, Brandon.

Yes, I do.

And your contention is that Brandon has too many condiments in your Ontarian fridge.

Let's get into it.

Brandon, obviously you love sauces.

You mentioned HP sauce, which

is not.

terrifically common in the United States.

It's a British sauce.

I believe that it is short for Houses of Parliament sauce.

I think that's right.

Tell me what HP sauce is, and then we'll talk about all your sauces.

Okay, HP sauce is kind of like if you made ketchup out of raisins.

So good.

And it is like

very, it's like a brown sauce.

Let the records show that I think I heard our social media manager Dan Telfer either laughing or gagging in the background.

It was sort of a

sound.

It is like a, it's a ketchup kind of consistency, but it is like a more of a brown than a red.

And it is sweetened, I think, with like dates and raisins.

And like it kind of has this marmalade kind of taste to it with a bit of spice and a lot of vinegar taste as well.

Jacqueline's also not a fan of that.

Disgusting.

Pretty good.

Do you enjoy it, Jesse?

You like a brown sauce, a classic British sauce?

Yeah, brown sauce is pretty good.

Yeah.

It says your malt, vinegar, spirit vinegar, molasses, sugar, dates, corn flour, rye flour, salt spices, and tamarind.

Plus, John, don't forget the fermented juices of parliamentarians, pressed parliamentarians.

So is HP sauce the main one for you?

You're right.

Ranch, I believe,

within a generation, will become the default condiment

more popular than ketchup in the future.

It's already the most popular salad dressing by far, according to the Association for Sauces and Dressings.

I looked that up today.

Like I can be sad.

Jason.

Can I become like an affiliate member or something?

But is HP sauce the main one for you, Brandon?

No, I'd say that

I don't know.

Like ranch is also very popular here, and it's pretty popular in our household.

Our three-year-old loves ranch.

Our six and a half-year-old also likes ranch a lot.

And it's very versatile.

So, but it's all, it's definitely not my favorite.

I feel like just like a general kind of vinegar-based hot sauce would be kind of my main one because I can have that.

Hot sauce is the main one.

Yeah, in that I can do that.

I can put that on anything.

Like, pretty much any meal that you give to me, I would put that on.

And what is your main one of the main ones?

I kind of like to know you've, how many different hot sauces do you have?

We're going to get into it, but just give me a head count.

Six.

I probably have like

eight or so in the fridge right now.

It was six literally 15 or 20, 10 seconds ago.

I heard six.

How many is it?

10?

Wait, hold on, John.

Now it's 12.

I mean, it also depends.

This is part of my contention of the case, is it depends what you constitute a sauce.

And there's also like, there are sauces that I have that are spicy, but they're not hot sauces.

Yeah, but we know what a hot sauce is.

Yeah, like a proper hot sauce, I probably have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Probably about eight or nine, I'd say.

And just for the audience at home, he used his finger to count the sauces in his hot sauce mind palace.

I was in the fridge noting the locations.

Jacqueline,

does Brandon have notes in front of him right now?

He does not, surprisingly.

I have them here.

Oh, he has them on his phone.

Would you take his phone away from him, please?

I would gladly take his phone away from him.

This is not an open book test.

It's got to be all off the dome.

Would you say, Jacqueline, that Brandon's big problem is not having too many sauces, but generally being indecisive?

Because I asked him a simple question: what's the main one?

And he's like, all of a sudden, it's Sophie's choice over there.

Yeah, I think it's both.

I mean, all right, Brandon, I'm going to ask you again.

Your main sauce is hot sauce, vinegar-based hot sauce.

Yeah.

What, you know, that I'm not ordering you to get rid of everything but the main one.

I hear you.

Yet.

But if you were, if you had to take one hot sauce with you one vinegar-based hot sauce with you on a trip to the moon

what would you take um okay i really like uh frank's extra hot frank's extra hot frank's hot sauce

uh very famous of course for claiming to put the flavor back in hot sauces because it doesn't just taste like hot okay and but you like it extra hot i like the extra hot the black label and jacqueline okay, black label.

I didn't even know that.

I've seen extra hot.

I don't know.

Maybe that's a Canada thing.

Maybe.

Unless you're getting like a barrel-aged reserve that I don't even know anything about.

I only eat Frank's gold hot that has gold flakes in it.

Yeah, I only get the blue label.

You can only buy it in duty-free shops.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at maximumfun.org, and they are all your favorites.

If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to maximumfund.org/slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

Did you know that most of the dishes served at Tom Clicchio's craft restaurant are made in, made in pots and pans?

It's true.

The Brace Short Ribs, Made In, Made In.

The Rohan Duck Riders of Rohan, Made In, Made In.

That heritage pork chop that you love so much, you got it.

It was made in, made in.

But Made In isn't just for professional chefs.

It's for home cooks too.

And even some of your favorite celebratory dishes can be amplified with made-in cookware.

It's the stuff that professional chefs use, but because it is sold directly to you, it's a lot more affordable

than some of the other high-end brands.

We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

I have a little

carbon steel skillet.

that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for her, but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

She can use it to braise if she wants to use it to braise.

It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

And it will last a long time.

And whether it's

griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware.

I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common: they're made-in,

made-in.

For full details, visit madeincookware.com.

That's m-a-d-e-i-n cookware.com.

Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Jacqueline, you don't like any sauces.

You hate all sauces.

Yes or no?

No.

When you eat your French fries,

what do you put on it?

Nothing?

Nothing or mayo or seasoning.

All right, you win.

Good idea.

So what's your complaint?

Too many sauces?

There are too many sauces, especially for our size of fridge.

And there are no foods on which to put the sauces, even if I wanted them, that can fit in the fridge.

So, when I go grocery shopping and bring home food, I cannot fit them anywhere.

You're saying your Ontarian kitchen counters are just stacked with rotting meats and vegetables because they can't go into the fridge because of Brandon's precious hot sauce collection.

Yes, or I have to call him in an emergency panic saying, come and organize this fridge before I throw all the food out, including your sauces.

Where do you call him when it's an emergency?

Is he off at a workplace or something?

He's here in the studio.

Here in the studio, that's right, Brandon.

You're recording yourselves in Ontario because you are an audio engineer or some of some kind?

I'm a cinematographer, but I did do live sound for a number of years, mostly in like churches and venues and stuff like that.

Super cool.

Yeah.

You both sound terrific.

Nice job.

Thank you.

Thank you.

And Jaclyn, how do you pass the time there in Canada?

I am a fire alarm technician in training.

So I am in the trades.

Fire alarm tech in training?

Yes.

You're going to fire alarm college?

Already went.

I just have to pass my test now.

You're not talking about like smoke alarms in a house.

You're talking about larger systems or what are you, what are you talking about?

What's talking about?

Yeah, mainly bigger panels, bigger systems in businesses and industries.

But I also do annual smoke alarm tests in residences.

How did you get involved in fire alarm tech?

I wanted to be an electrician and I went to a pre-apprenticeship for that.

And then I could not find a job and

got an opportunity to take fire alarm college anyways, which would

make me a higher paid electrician if I still go into that industry.

It's not really called fire alarm college, is it

it's college for fire alarm technicians i don't really yeah that's what our program is called i have to make a correction before i get some letters by the way it's not the it's not the association of sauces and dresses it's the association of dressings and sauces i think they saw a sad and they figured out that they had to change it so i apologize to both both of these fines institutions the association of sauces dressings and sauces and fire alarm college

And you hate all kinds of fire, right?

Like flames, but also mouth fire because you hate hot.

Yeah, I hate mouth fire.

Yeah,

you want to put it out.

I do.

In fact, you want to take a fire extinguisher and blow it into your Brandon's mouth.

Yeah, a fire extinguisher full of mayonnaise.

Whoa.

All right.

You've mentioned mayonnaise a couple of times.

Is that your main one?

I, you know what?

I think so.

It used to be margarine, but uh, Brandon

squashed that.

Margarine's not a sauce.

Now, all right.

Everybody listen.

I think margarine might be a sauce if, like Jacqueline, you live in 1960.

I just need to, I just need to, I want everyone to tune into what's going on here, okay?

Because both of these people, Brandon and Jacqueline, are really lovely,

right?

But when we talk about specificity is the soul of narrative, right?

This is kind of what I'm talking about here, right?

Because we have, on the one hand, this look, white guy with long hair and a beard

who's involved in cinematography and audio engineer and has a podcasting studio.

Okay.

It's a cliche.

It's a cliche.

Yep.

Even though he has a mustache and not a beard.

Correct.

Everyone can check my work on the YouTube channel at Judge John Hodgman Pod.

Whereas on the other hand, we have Jacqueline over here, who's a five-foot-tall

person

who wanted to be an an electrician, is settling for a higher-paying job as a fire alarm technician and whose favorite sauce is margarine.

It is so specific.

Like, it's just like when you're creating a character,

maybe that's so specific, it goes around the horn and becomes unrealistic.

Do you know what I mean?

But it's just,

it's just really something.

But Brandon, of course, you're not a cliche.

You're a whole human being in your own right.

And I respect that.

I'm just

fascinating.

And I like, you know what?

I like margarine.

I like margarine too.

So you're not inherently anti-sauce.

You're just anti-Brandon's many sauces.

Yeah.

I'm a basic B when it comes to sauces.

I'll let that pass without comment from me because we've got some wonderful evidence to look at here.

These are some photos that were sent in.

They'll be available on the show page at maximumfun.org.

Of course, across all of our social media.

And if you're watching on YouTube right now,

you can see them on Judge John Hodgman.

Well, you already are Judge John Hodgman Pod.

Our YouTube channel, go there and please subscribe, hit that bell, hit the share, hit the blah, blah, blah.

You got it.

Anyway, exhibit A.

Who took this photo?

That looks like my photo.

And essentially, we're going to be looking, and I want you to pay close attention to this, Brandon, because you don't have your notes anymore.

Yes.

Three tranches of sauce here.

Exhibit A, fridge door sauces, exhibit B, fridge top shelf sauces, and exhibit C, sauces in the cabinet.

Oh, and exhibit D, excuse me, four tranches,

all the hot sauces lined up.

Can I just say that we first see this picture of the fridge door sauces, and I thought, well, I wonder where they put their milk.

Although you're theoretically not supposed to keep your milk in the fridge door because the temperature varies the most.

Right.

But it had never been a problem for me.

But then I thought to myself, well, this is a fair number of sauces.

It's not an excess of sauces.

This isn't an insane amount of sauces.

Then I found out about tranches two and three.

Yeah.

Working backwards, tranche three

is a cupboard sauce, a cabinet sauce, I should say.

And that's where you find your Diana sauce.

Looks like you have some Heinz 57 sauce, which is

not ketchup, right?

That's like a different kind of steak sauce.

It's like an HP sauce made by Heinz, right?

Yeah, basically.

Okay, so let's take a look at this fridge door.

Here's what I can see.

And I'm not even zooming in in the sauce category because you do have, it looks like you have some juice in there and some smucker's jelly, which I don't count as a sauce.

Is jelly a sauce, Jesse?

Well,

this is for Jesse.

Mint jelly could be a sauce.

Mint jelly could be a sauce, right?

What do you think, Brandon?

I would say mint jelly could be a sauce.

You ever put that grape jelly on your lamb?

No, I don't know if jam is a sauce, but what complicates the issue is is chutney a sauce

because if jam is a sauce and chutney if jam is not a sauce but chutney is i don't know that seems like an arbitrary i would say chutney is a relish a relish how do you like that that's good and then i would call relish a sauce you'd call relish a sauce yeah i almost called you diana i'm getting

sauce diana over there claims that relish is a sauce okay well let's i'm sure there'll be discussions in the in the youtube comments.

Let's hear them.

But for now, that's not what's on trial.

I'm not on trial.

Brandon is.

Brandon, why don't you take us left to right through these sauces?

Okay.

Starting at the top, we have some Jamaican jerk marinade kind of slash sauce.

The next thing is a ginger and garlic paste.

I don't think that counts.

It's a paste.

Yeah.

And then there's hoisin.

Then next to that is

if you're in preschool.

Elmer's sauce.

That's right.

It goes great on crayons after you've sucked it up in those.

Yeah.

And then we have a Hoisin sauce.

And then next to that is a

no, that's a Piri Piri hot sauce.

I thought for sure it was oyster sauce.

Okay.

Tartar sauce.

Tartar sauce.

There's a sambal paste.

Yeah.

And then what do you got?

Some chili crisp there?

No, that's fermented chili and bean paste.

That's more of a cooking sauce, too.

I thought I had the eagle eye for sauces.

All right.

I thought that was a chili crisp, too.

Yeah, it's the same brand, though.

I think it's Lao Gan is the brand.

The Lao Gan chili crisp is the best.

Yeah, I've recently purchased what I think is illegal version of that, which is one that has chicken in it.

And you can just like leave it on your counter, but I don't think you're allowed to have it.

But I found it at my local Asian supermarket and it's pretty dang good.

You mean it has chunks of chicken in it?

It has chunks of chicken in it.

I wouldn't call that a sauce.

I would call that something

that you shouldn't eat.

Chunks of chicken and your chili crisp?

Yeah, they have a beef version and a pork version, but you can't really get them.

Not in North America, but at my local market.

And it's not legal for you to have?

I think it you're well when I purchased, when I looked at it, it said chili with chicken.

And I thought, I know that that's not allowed.

So then I looked at the ingredients on the back and it had one of those, you know, when you go to like a, like an Asian market, sometimes they'll have a label printed over top of the ingredients.

Yeah.

And I read that and there was no chicken in it.

And I go, oh, well, I'll try this.

Maybe it's chicken flavor.

Our son is a vegetarian.

Perhaps he'll like to try this.

I bring it home.

I peel off that label.

They tricked it and there is chicken in it.

They just didn't put it on the import label, I guess.

I guess it makes sense, Jesse.

Anytime you have some like ramen or some nice noodles or whatever, and you put some chili crisp on it, don't you often feel like what's missing is chunks of chicken?

I didn't know I was talking to a chicken smuggler this whole time.

What's the second stack of sauces here?

Yeah, thank you.

We have some Worcestershire sauce and a hot mustard in that red bottle.

That's Diana sauce behind that.

Cucumber salad dressing and then Caesar salad dressing behind that.

that, and then 57, and then a Guinness-flavored bullseye,

a ketchup, and then I think that's a bullseye.

Oh,

yes, it's another, very sweet barbecue sauce.

A Guinness flavored barbecue sauce, okay.

And then Heinz ketchup, Heinz ketchup, and French's mustard.

Uh, yes, and then behind that, I think, is Greek salad dressing, and then there's uh, prune juice next to that because we have a three-year-old.

oh i was gonna say

given given the amount of exotic hot sauces you're taking in i couldn't imagine regularity would be a problem for you the count the countertop chicken helps

and then let's go to the sauces in the top shelf of the fridge and when we say top shelf here we mean

this just happens to be the top shelf not like these are your top shelf sauces and there are many other off brands below right

no this is where the

no this is where the Franks Gold Hot is.

I can see some sriracha in there way in the back because it's overdone at this point.

It's a cliche itself.

Tell us what else you got in there.

So, starting on the left, we have maple syrup, and then we have various salsas.

There's three salsas there.

What are their brands, and why do you have three of them?

I think it's La Costina or Herdes salsa, salsa.

And there's a green, like a salsa verde in the back.

And then there is the one in front of that is like a medium salsa, but it's more of like a pico de gallo kind of style.

And then the selection brand is like the trash,

like, you know, old El Paso style taco night kind of thing, which I think are different salsas.

Like that's a different vibe.

Yeah, one of them you mentioned is trash, and yet it's not in the trash.

Well, it's good.

It's good.

Like trash for me is an affectionate term often.

In an affectionate way.

Yeah.

It's affectionately trashy.

Have we named all the sauces on the top shelf yet?

Not even close.

But Brandon Jacqueline says that this is only about two-thirds of your total sauce supply or your total normal complement of sauces.

I feel like when those photos were taken about a week or so ago, and since then I have purchased a few more.

And I typically would have maybe a couple other options.

Like I got like a Chipotle ranch, um mostly for our our eldest because he liked mixing hot sauce with his ranch so i figured consolidate um and then what else so you got rid of your ranch and hot sauces well eventually they will be gotten rid of when they're consumed

why reward his creativity when you could actually reward a corporation that is making a version of what he's making at home fair um

what else did i get i don't know i think i got a couple other like i got a barbecue sauce I may have gotten another hot sauce.

I'm not sure.

How long have you been married, Jacqueline?

We are just approaching our 14th anniversary.

Oh, happy anniversary in advance.

And it sounds like you have at least two human children that I've heard made reference to.

Is that right?

That's correct.

We have two.

And would you say that Brandon is a good cook?

Absolutely.

And you enjoy the food that he makes?

Yes.

Yeah.

Mostly.

Because that's the problem, right, Jacqueline?

That's like,

you know, Brandon likes what he likes, you like Brandon, you like what he likes too, but you don't like having to sort through it every time you want to put a head of lettuce away or whatever.

Is that what's going on here?

Yes,

you refer to it as Tetris, fridge Tetris.

Yes.

Tell me about your fridge.

How

it doesn't seem very large.

No, it is definitely not very large.

It is

the standard size fridge from like

20 years ago, probably.

It's like the old, just regular front door, single style freezer on the top, fridge on the bottom with the two produce drawers on the bottom and the deli drawer in the middle.

Well, I'm looking at the top shelf here, and it looks to me like the fridge is pretty narrow.

Yes, it is quite narrow.

Yeah.

This is what you might call an apartment fridge.

Yeah.

No.

Do you live?

You live in an apartment?

We do.

We live in a two-bedroom, second-floor, in a four-plex old house that's been in Ontario.

Are our refrigerators provided by the landlord?

Generally, they are.

Yes.

In this case, you do not own this fridge.

You can't just replace the fridge or can you?

No, we cannot.

No.

Right.

And have you ever faced a situation where you just couldn't get stuff into the fridge

for the sauces?

Like, what, what what went bad?

Lettuce.

Lettuce.

Fruit.

Other vegetables.

I think cucumbers one time.

Have you ever tried fermenting those things into a hot sauce?

Yeah, it just sounds like they didn't go bad.

Sounds like they went good.

They're halfway there.

Yeah.

Brandon, Jacqueline suggests that your good fresh food is going bad because your hot sauce has to be chilled at all times, but it sounds like there's some hot sauce that doesn't even make it into the the fridge.

Or maybe not hot sauce, other kinds of sauce.

Like, are there things that should be refrigerated that even you can't fit into the fridge?

No, the only thing that I think I notice as a problem is sometimes we will get some beer that I would like to be refrigerated, and there's just no room for that.

Why?

Why would you even care about that?

Well, it is partly the reason why I got a cooler on our back deck so I can fill it with ice on the weekend and just put stuff there.

Well, why not get a little sauce fridge for yourself then?

then?

We are extremely limited in our two-bedroom apartment with two children in like floor space.

There's like basically no floor space

and limited outlets as well.

Yes.

So

that's the main difficulty there.

I think you should lift your kids' beds up on top of four kegs.

Why do you need three different habanero sauces?

I get one as mango, but even you acknowledge that one is the same as the other, just a different brand.

Uh-huh.

That was an honest mistake.

There was a time when I was going through a period of making Jamaican patties at home, and I would use that chili sauce as like flavor.

It was like more of a cooking liquid than a like a seasoning sauce.

So I would use like half a bottle.

in a recipe because my other problem is that I only know how to cook for like 10 people.

Like I don't know how to cook for our family.

So I make very large batches.

So we have, I would like to.

You just store the leftovers in the refrigerator.

Oh, no.

And well, our freezer is also

quite full.

Oh, yeah.

How many sauces you have in there?

I have a lot of like stocks and gravies, if that counts.

Yeah, it does.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm counting it.

It's probably four, four or so Ziplocs full of stock and gravy.

Brandon, I noticed you didn't have any A1 sauce in your fridge.

No, they don't tend to carry it at our grocery store that we usually go to.

But when I made a restock recently, I went to the fancy grocery store.

I did see it, but it was about like

import sauce in Canada.

I suppose, but it was about like, it was also like seven bucks or something like that for a bottle.

So I just, I didn't bother.

You have any of that, you have any of that gentleman's relish?

I looked for gentleman's relish

in the British section and I could not find it.

I shouldn't be adding to your collection at this point because Jacqueline, you want me to lessen his collection.

Yes, that would be the ideal.

You'd like it to go back to one bin of sauces, dressings in the door, walk away, right?

That's where you want it to be?

Yes, that would be.

How do you feel about that, Brandon?

A little stressed.

I think that the part of the problem is that like...

What is a sauce is kind of like difficult because like a lot of those are not like I have a big ball.

You just spent a lot of time

that you weren't a hot sauce guy, but at the same time, you're going to be that guy.

It all comes down to the definition of sauce.

The problem is, categorically, it's hard to define what a sauce is or isn't.

John, this is a topic that's come up on Jordan.

Jesse Go.

I'm not going to tell you what kind of word sauce is.

Brandon, how many of the sauces in your refrigerator would be

safe and stable on your counter or in your cabinets?

That's a good question.

I imagine, like,

at diners and stuff like that, like ketchup and mustard are just kind of sitting out, but that always kind of weirded me out a bit.

I mean, have you considered that vinegar-based hot sauce is

made of vinegar in large part to make it stable?

Literally, no, but that's a very good point.

That's a very good point.

So, according to the internet, among the shelf-stable when opened condiments and sauces,

and there are like the primary reason to keep them in the refrigerator would be to preserve quality for a longer period of time.

But given that you're going through them half a bottle at a time,

I don't know if that's a concern.

But, shelf-stable include mustard, ketchup, hot sauce, soy sauce, vinegar, barbecue sauce, oyster sauce, honey,

and most jams and preserves.

Mayonnaise, once opened, is susceptible to spoilage, along with salad dressings, pasta sauces, and some other commercially prepared sauces.

Well, does that sound like a solution to you?

I mean, if I don't know where Jesse sourced that

list of recommendations, I presume it's from Joe Rogan's website or something or like

QAnon or I don't know, but it's the web anyway.

So it's got to be true that I'm low-tee.

Yeah, because you're refrigerating your hot sauce, bruh.

No wonder.

But if you were to find a reliable resource to which of your sauces that are currently refrigerated might be counter stable, would that be a possible solution?

Do you think, Jacqueline?

Would that free up enough space in the refrigerator?

I would love to say that it would, except the only thing that we have less of than fridge space is counter space in our apartment.

Well, you have two bottles of Diana sauce.

You got to give up something.

I've got to sacrifice.

Yeah, you're the one who has to sacrifice.

I could potentially create cupboard space

where

there could be like a sauce cupboard.

That sounds fun.

Well, I do have this question since you are cooking for large groups that don't exist.

Are you also buying ingredients in bulk that perhaps you could maybe not buy in bulk?

I'll ask Jacqueline because Brandon, I don't think, will answer honestly.

Does he buy in bulk?

Some things he does buy in bulk, yes.

The soya sauce, as previously mentioned, he buys in three liter jugs.

And is that for economy's sake, Brandon?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm very conscious of of

like deals and trying to like

trying to stretch our dollar.

And there are like certain places that I know where to get certain things.

And yeah, so I often will buy large quantities and then we'll slowly winnow them down.

Jacqueline has said that vegetables have gone bad waiting for a chance to be refrigerated because your fridge is too full of hot sauce.

How do you respond to that, Brandon?

I don't deny deny that that has happened.

I think that it has been a very rare occasion where we haven't been able to fit something.

Our produce drawers do get quite full.

You know, it doesn't take much in a small fridge.

You get a bag of carrots and a bag of lettuce and you're kind of full.

Yeah, also because no one ever wants to eat those things.

Well, there's that as well.

It says here that your ideal ruling is that

Jaclyn simply acknowledged that the kitchen is your domain and she should keep her hands off.

Jacqueline, is that fair?

No.

Why?

I mean, does he do a good job managing the kitchen?

I would argue no.

He does a good job at cooking, but organizationally, maybe it's his own version of organized chaos, but I only see the chaos.

He has his own system, but it is not a system that is understandable to you.

Correct.

I will say, in his defense, I am vertically challenged, and so I cannot see half of what is in our cupboards.

Yeah, but when you finally get your

finally get your accreditation as a fire alarm tester, Canada gives you a nice ladder, right?

You would think.

Is one possible solution to this to move all the sauces to dad height cabinets?

Yeah, and all the other ingredients to my height.

I think part of the problem for Jacqueline, if I can speak is that like yeah why don't you just speak for your wife and tell her well i don't i don't mean to speak for her tell us and her her feelings but this is this is in her in her place i think that because like she has uh some difficulty seeing things in the fridge like if the fridge is open and there i know there's food in there and she could call me and i'm at the studio and i'll go move the yogurt and then in behind this there's a container full of like chicken that you can have like i i kind of just know the geography you're hiding chicken everywhere

we we established brandon that you have an elaborate up-to-date refrigerator mind

i i you literally when you were just when you were counting sauces at the beginning before we put up the photographs you were moving your hands around the refrigerator

counting the sauces

brandon do you mind me jumping in and telling your wife about your feelings no it's it's wonderful On your behalf?

I appreciate it.

Oh, then let me tell you about Jacqueline's feelings.

Okay.

Maybe.

And Jacqueline, you can tell me if I'm on the money here or not, but it's like you have a system.

It is quote-unquote controlled chaos, what I call intense visual clutter that makes me want to scream.

But you know where everything is in the refrigerator and the cupboards, but everything is quite full.

And maybe Jacqueline is tired of feeling that she has no place or space in the kitchen, this part part of the part of your family life that is typically shared.

Do you feel chased out of your own kitchen to a degree, Jacqueline?

I very much do.

All right.

See, now I know your wife's feelings.

I can talk for her.

I hear that.

But what about your feelings?

Do you feel, look, I'll be honest, I'll be plain, nagged by Jacqueline vis-a-vis these sauces when she says, I came up with a good solution.

Get rid of two-thirds of your stuff and keep it in this box.

How does that make you feel?

No, don't i don't feel nagged i would never say i feel nagged but i do feel that on a podcast obviously yeah you wouldn't say that but do you feel it no no it is not a i don't feel nagged i do feel that

but because like if if the if the fridge is opened a hundred times like i'm opening it 85 times you know like i'm in i just i have this thing that kind of works and it just it and it's not just for me accessing my sauces it's for me preparing all of the meals.

And I feel like if there, there's probably is a better way that perhaps things could be organized or that food.

How could there be a better way?

This is the way you thought of.

How could there be a better one?

There's always room for improvement.

There's always room for improvement.

But perhaps there's a way that like Jacqueline's the things that she needs to access could be more visually apparent than, you know, she doesn't have to see, you know, my bottle of dark soy sauce every single time she's looking for lunch.

Jacqueline, what would you have me order if I were to order Rule in Your Favor?

I would order.

How many of these sauces do you want in the garbage by the end of the day?

By the end of the day.

Definitely get rid of the doubles.

Definitely get rid of doubles.

Definitely get rid of the dubs.

Limit on a hard limit on the number of hot sauces he is allowed in the fridge at one time.

And a general limit on how much condiments in general need to be in the fridge at one time.

If I were to ask you to name three hot sauces,

or not even hot sauces, three hot sauces or sauces or condiments or relishes or toppings

that you could get rid of off the top of your head right now, what would those three be?

Man, probably Diana sauce.

I'd leave behind.

It's not even yours, dude.

Well, I use it.

How dare you?

I guess I would leave behind all of my wife's clothes.

Margarine.

Just so that we could move faster.

Yeah, margarine, Diana sauce.

Probably the barbecue sauces.

I would probably leave those behind.

And oh, and like a Caesar dressing.

I don't really,

I'd probably leave that behind, too.

Let me ask you a different question.

This is the last question I'm going to ask.

Do you remember

the photo of all of your hot sauces on the counter?

Yes.

Okay.

What are they, left to right?

Do you remember?

How many of them can you name?

I know that they're, I'm going to get the order wrong.

You don't have to get them in order.

Okay.

There is sambal olek.

There is a green chili pickle.

There is, there are two scotch bonnet sauces.

There was a mango sweet hot sauce.

There was the sriracha.

There's the piri-piri sauce.

There is

the fermented chili bean paste.

There was the peanut chili crisp.

There

that might be all of them.

Well, you get to keep all of those for sure.

Unfortunately, you have to say goodbye to your black label Frank's red hot sauce.

Oh, my God.

And as far as the rest of your stuff, I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

I'm going into my chambers to think it over.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman.

exits the courtroom.

Jacqueline, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

I'm feeling pretty confident that I have been seen as the sane one in this situation.

The defender of the lettuce.

Yes.

Brandon, how are you feeling?

I feel fine.

You always feel good when you're thinking about your special sauces, right?

Yeah, and in my mind palace.

Brandon, if you could recommend one sauce to our audience, one sauce that they might not already have in their refrigerator or their cabinet.

What would it be?

I'm actually going to say HP sauce.

I think it is great.

It's good on meat-grilled things.

It's also my favorite breakfast sauce.

Like I will have that with eggs and toast and hash browns and sausage.

I think HP is great.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hoshman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else, too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge John Hodgman, we are taking a break from the case, and you have a brand new season of your podcast, ePleuribus Motto, right around the corner.

I'm concerned that there are Judge John Hodgman listeners out there who have yet to check out your show, ePleuribus Modem, with the great Janet Varney.

I hate to think that it might be true, but it might be true that there are some people who have made the terrible mistake to not listen to season one of EPLuribus Motto, co-created and co-hosted by me and your own Janet Varney of the JV Club.

This started as a Max Fun Drive challenge.

A couple of years ago, Janet Varney said, Hey, if we reach a certain number of new and upgrading members, would you like to do a podcast all about the mottos of the U.S.

states?

And I was like, Of course I do.

And guess what?

Of course, the listeners came through, and now we're doing it.

We have our second season coming out, covering such states as Maryland, Minnesota, Wisconsin, the Commonwealth of Kentucky, and the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, the state of Nevada and the District of Washington, District of Columbia.

We'll be talking about all of those state Commonwealth and District mottos, plus trivia regarding the state snacks, the state mammals, the state birds, the state monsters.

It's a lot of fun.

And we really hope that you join us.

We're having a great time recording the episodes this season, and it starts right now.

You don't have to go back to listen to season one in order to understand what's happening.

We're just talking about state trivia.

But if you want to go back, it's all available for you now.

And if you want to start listening to season two, it lands in your podcast device July the 8th.

It's called E Pluribus Motto, and it's a lot of fun.

Jesse Thornton, what have you got going on?

Well, John, we're recording this a couple of weeks before it is released.

So I don't know what the state of the world will be when this episode is released, but I can tell you that right now, as we record this, the president has sent the National Guard to my hometown, or at least the city in which I live, Los Angeles, California.

Certainly, your home state.

Yeah, and

ICE is raiding workplaces,

detaining people

and

deporting them, people who are not criminals.

Yeah.

And, you know, this is something that is

an issue that is very close to my heart as someone who has

lived almost my entire life, other than living in the dorms at UC Santa Cruz.

I've lived essentially my entire life in places where immigrants are a substantial portion, and in many cases, the majority of the residents.

My own

stepmother came to the United States as a refugee and was undocumented.

And I have close friends here in Los Angeles who are undocumented and are

fearing for the future of their lives and their families.

We ran a fundraiser

a few months ago for an organization called Al Otro Lado, who do direct services for migrants on both sides of the U.S.-Mexico border.

We We raised over a quarter million dollars.

And it's more important

now, even than we knew it to be then,

because cuts in federal budgets and in money that has, the withholding of money that has been appropriated by Congress, have meant that the

migrant education efforts that Al Otro leads have been defunded.

So, one of the things that Al Otro Lado does is at the border and at detention centers, they teach workshops for migrants who are not provided with lawyers in what their basic legal rights are as refugees.

And those previously were paid for

substantially by the federal government, and they've been completely defunded to zero.

So,

this is one way to

directly affect the lives of migrants in this country.

And so whether you have already joined us or whether you haven't, I hope that you will join us.

We'll put the URL in the episode description, but it's allotrolado.org slash let's do something.

That's allotrolado.org slash let's do something.

I would love to see the top of that fundraising thermometer explode.

As I said, with our matching grants, we're already over a quarter million dollars.

The folks at Alos Rolado have been awed by your generosity, and so have I.

You know,

this is our home and our friends and family members, and in some cases, ourselves who are being attacked.

they deserve our support.

So you can go to Alos Rolado slash let's do something

and

take a stand for

people who have never needed our help and support more.

Absolutely.

I mean,

it's been said a lot of times about this particular presidential administration, but the cruelty is the point and the terror is the point.

The utter cruelty of the ICE raids that are, that are random and targeted at people who lots of times are just trying to check in and make sure that they're in the country legally and then they're being arrested and detained and deported just to scare people.

The subversion of the democratic process of federalizing the National Guard, which is under the control of each and every state that has a National Guard, and taking it to turn it against its own state and its own citizens is designed to terrorize you.

Be safe, but do not be afraid.

Otherwise, you're in their hands.

Take care of yourself and take care of others.

We're with you.

What's the URL again, Jesse?

It's al otrolado, the other side, alotrolado.org/slash let's do something.

And again, we'll put that in the episode description.

Good.

And everybody who's supported, you rule.

A-L-O-T-R-O-L-A-D-O dot org.

Let's do something.

All right, let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

Very, very few people love mayonnaise more than me.

And, like,

like you,

Brandon, I have a mental mind palace in which I keep track of all my mayonnaise at all times.

I can tell you exactly how many tablespoons of mayonnaise are left in my jar of Hellman's

and exactly how many squeezes are left in my squeeze bottle of Japanese import QP mayonnaise, not the domestic-made stuff, because that doesn't have the MSG in it.

And I love sauces.

I do.

I love them too.

I think they're delightful.

And I agree with you that not all, even not all hot sauces.

I mean, obviously, this goes without saying to most people who like hot sauces, but people who don't necessarily enjoy hot sauces may not understand.

They are not the same.

They have very different flavor profiles and they do different things.

I am inclined to enjoy

your collection of hot sauces and other sauces and condiments.

I am a condiment guy,

but the problem is that this is not a collection.

It is settled law in the court of Judge John Hodgman that

the difference between a collection and a hoard is a display case.

And that that does not just mean buying a display case and throwing all of your

comic books or all of your like, you know, little plastic baseball helmets that you make Sundays in or whatever into them willy-nilly.

A display case means the things are displayed in a way that it is visually,

if not appealing, at least parsable to understand what's going on.

Instead of the mad chaos of your fridge, which

fairly speaking is most people's fridges, is mad chaos.

What I am saying is that when I look in your refrigerator, I do see a mess.

And if you want to justify the pleasure that having this collection of sauces gives you,

you should treat it as a collection.

And treating it like a collection means being a little pickier.

taking care of your collection and realizing when something is not being used

or is not worthy of the collection anymore.

Certainly, getting rid of doubles.

You say that you have

a system in your head where you remember exactly how much you have of everything, and yet you have two jars of mayonnaise.

Brandon,

I am not one to complain about an excess of mayonnaise,

but that was a mistake that needs to be rectified immediately.

Understood.

You can consolidate one of those jars of mayonnaise into another.

What an afternoon you'll have.

This also might involve culling of things that just aren't in use regularly or do not meet the standards of your collection anymore, because there are two problems with your system.

You are cooking not only to serve your fascination with cooking and the fun of cooking and the hobby of cooking.

And all the sauces come into play there, right?

But you are also cooking for a family of four, one of whom is a vegetarian, two of whom are children.

You don't need kilograms of potatoes.

You need to be able to learn how to cook and provision for four.

And similarly, I'm going to encourage you to reach the next level of maturity in your cooking journey, which is follow a recipe.

I know

all cooking guys like to believe they can just do it off the dome

i honor your hobby and i want you to continue it but you've got to make room for others in your life one of the ways to do that is to cook for fewer people another way to do that is to cull your collection and make it a true collection and make sure that each each piece of it is beautiful and a part of it and i appreciate that you're buying soy sauce in bulk but that squeeze bottle with the painter's tape on it that says soy sauce looks janky as F.

Get a nice glass bottle that you can put your soy sauce in.

Go through all of your collection of sauces and condiments and read the instructions up for storage.

If they can be put on a counter, find a nice way to store them on a counter.

Get them out of the fridge.

If they need to go in the fridge, get them all fitting into that bin.

All of your matching sauces, all of your same form factor sauces, your tall bottles could easily be stored together in one of those bins.

Figure it out.

I think it's going to mean culling by about 10%, maybe 15%.

But what I want you to do is have it be so that when Jacqueline opens the door, she not only can put a head of lettuce in there,

but also be like, what a beautiful collection of sauces.

Because it is beautiful.

I mean, it is beautiful.

You're sharing with your family.

You're sharing your passion with your family.

You can make it look good and also make space.

And I'm going to say this: yes, you got to get rid of that.

Frank's red hot.

I apologize.

It's your punishment.

Yeah.

It's your punishment.

Yeah.

Brandon, I guess I'm ruling in your favor in the sense that I want you to keep your collection, but really, I'm ruling in Jacqueline's favor.

You got to cull it down, not

to punish you, but to make it look pretty, to honor the hobby that you enjoy.

This is the sound of a gavel.

I want some fancy sauce.

Yeah.

Can I have fancy sauce?

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Jacqueline, how are you feeling right now?

I'm feeling pretty great.

Yep.

I think that ruling is just what I was looking for.

How about you, Brandon?

I think it's a very wise, wise ruling.

I will abide by it.

I am really kicking myself for forgetting my Frank's red hot.

But yeah,

I'll take that.

I'll take that loss.

Yeah, how are you going to make your famous buffalo wings now?

It's a great question.

Well, Jacqueline Brandon, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having us.

Another Judge John Hodgman case is in the books.

We'll have swift justice in just a second.

First, our thanks.

to Redditor Jiminy Cricket81 for naming this week's episode.

We ask for those name suggestions on Reddit at reddit.com slash r slash maximum fun.

So join us there for that.

You can find evidence from our show on our Instagram account at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman along with other fun stuff.

We're also on TikTok and Utah.

We're also on TikTok and YouTube at judgejohnhodgman pod.

Follow and subscribe to see our episodes and video only content.

Leave it in, AJ.

Leave it in.

Oh, I ran into AJ, by the way, yesterday at Commonwealth.

Oh, yeah.

The new bar that's Stu and Charlene.

Stu from the Flop House.

And Charlene is wife who's a whole human being on right.

You know, they own Minnie's Bar and Hinterlin's Bar.

Well, they just bought the bar where they first met

in New York City, Commonwealth.

And he had a little meetup of some

podcast guys.

And AJ was in town for the live show of Blank Check.

And I got to meet him.

Well, I'd met him before, but it was really nice to see him.

Really lovely guy.

And he's going to send me some coupons for ghee butter.

How about that?

Yeah.

Anyway, it was

a friend in ghee is a friend indeed.

How dare you?

But thank you.

Our YouTube comment of the week comes from user SportsNotSports from our recent episode, 4K Nolos Dos.

In Swift Justice, I was asked, can bananas be juiced?

Can you squeeze bananas to get banana water out of it?

I said, I I don't think so.

You can't squeeze bananas any more than you can get blood out of a stone.

But Sports Not Sports says that banana water is a thing.

Sports Not Sports commented, Woodstock Foods distributes organic banana water described as plant-powered hydration.

According to Martha Stewart's blog, banana water is water that has been steeped with banana peels.

to create a liquid plant fertilizer similar to compost tea.

I didn't want to know about compost tea.

Never mind banana water that's been steeped in banana peels.

Don't go to that Pasadena farmer's market because that compost tea guy will corner you.

Well, Sports Not Sports, I appreciate your bringing this disgusting product to my attention, but I agree with your own comment as you go on to explain that this is not the banana water you're looking for or that I am.

Steeping peels in water makes a banana-flavored water, sure.

But I'm talking about is anybody squeezing bananas to get banana water?

If you are, let me know.

Send me an email or send me a video of you squeezing bananas at hodgman at maximumfun.org.

You just invented a new subreddit.

And SFW.

Look, I want this YouTube channel

to thrive.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I'll say it again.

Send me a video of you squeezing a banana to hodgman at maximumfun.org.

Maybe we'll put it up on the YouTube or maybe we'll just put the audio up on the podcast.

Meanwhile, I don't want to just hear about banana water.

What kind of sauce or condiment is your main one?

How many hot sauces do you keep in your sauce stockpile?

How many stocks do you keep in your freezer?

Tell us all about it in the YouTube comments of this episode.

We premiere every episode of Judge John Hodgman live on YouTube Wednesdays at 9 a.m.

Pacific.

That's noon Eastern.

The live chat when we're premiering is usually popping.

So why don't you come on in, stop in, subscribe, like, share, and I hope you'll join the fun.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

This episode engineered by Brandon at his studio, Evil Empire Studios in Hamilton, Ontario.

Our social media manager, Dan Telfer, the podcast is edited by A.J.

McKeon.

Gee, provided by A.J.

McKeon.

Technically, his wife, who's a whole human being in her own right.

Thank you.

And our video editor is Daniel Spear.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

You ready for Swift Justice, John?

I'm ready.

Okay.

Designer World9178 says on the MaxFun subreddit, my husband says the predator that our beagle most resembles is a wolf.

I say our beagle is most like a bear.

Who's right?

Well,

I'm not the dog expert.

This feels like, I'm going to be honest, this feels like a question for our friend Julie Klausner.

Julie Klausner is the number one beagle enthusiast in America.

I know that dogs

are descended or have a common ancestors as wolves do.

They are canine in their genetic family.

But I do not think a beagle looks like a wolf so much.

They're too cute and cuddly,

nor do they look like a bear, though they are rounder like a bear is round.

I'm going to say that the predator that your beagle most resembles is a sofa throw pillow.

That's my final ruling.

You know what?

I'm going to quote my favorite video on the internet, which is Glorilla on British television.

Yeah.

Got foxes?

All right, fair enough.

Yeah, you got to go watch that video where Glorilla finds out that foxes are real.

I got to go watch the, I got to go watch some videos, but before I go watch these videos, Schultzbuster over there at Maximum Fun Subreddit mentioned that they're going through the back episodes and they love disputes between bandmates.

We've had disputes between a Rolling Stone cover band bandmates.

We've had disputes over

who's the true hero of the band, Van Halen.

I'd love to hear some more band-related disputes.

Does your band have a pre-gig ritual that you hate?

Do you all disagree about what the name of your band should be?

Are you and your bandmates deadlocked over the direction of your next double album?

Put the creative and creative differences and send us your band-related disputes, your rock and roll or other kind of band-related disputes.

Send them to maximumfund.org slash jjho.

Or why don't you go ahead and email me directly, hodgman at maximumfund.org.

That's right, my mailbox is open again.

I'll see your emails.

Hodgman at maximumfund.org or maximumfund.org slash jjho.

And that's where we want to hear about all disputes, right, Jesse?

Indeed.

No matter what your beef is, please submit it to us at maximumfund.org slash jjho or hodgman at maximumfun.org.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artists-owned shows supported directly by you.