Small Claymations Court

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I am Bailiff Jesse Thorne, and guess what?

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Now this week, Small Claymations Court.

Brian brings the case against his wife Sherry and their daughter Lauren.

The family has a long-running joke where they declare who among them is the Gumby.

That's right.

Gumby, the mid-20th century claymation cartoon.

Brian says he is the Gumby of the family, but Lauren and Sherry disagree.

He is pokey at best.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

Don't tell me to enter the court headshot, okay?

I do what I want to do.

I'm Judge John Hodgman.

Damn it.

Everyone loves me.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Lauren, Sherry, and Brian, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God or whatever.

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he himself is a blockhead?

I do.

I do.

Judge Hodgman, you might proceed.

How dare you?

How dare you, Mr.

Mustache?

Lauren, Sherry, Brian, you may be seated for an immediate summary judgment in one of of your favors.

Can either of you name the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this courtroom?

So let's see.

It's Lauren and Sherry versus Brian.

Is that correct?

It is two against one here in Judge John Hodgman.

Daughter and mother against husband/slash father.

Lauren and Sherry, since you're bringing the case against Brian, why don't you go first?

What's your guess?

I mean, I got to go with what I said last time, which is that episode of the Brady Bunch when they go to Hawaii.

That episode of the Brady Bunch where they go to Hawaii.

And when you say last time, that's because you've been on the podcast before.

We'll talk about that in a moment.

If people don't immediately recognize your voice and name you, you'll be reminded in a moment.

Sherry, I'm going to give you your own guess because your daughter's wrong.

So, what's your guess?

I'm thinking

when

Leave It to Beaver

buys, Beaver buys a blouse for his mother, and it says ooh la la on it.

Yeah, I think that was it.

Leave it to when Beaver buys a blouse for his mother, Mother's Day or something.

And it says ooh la la on it.

Judge Hodgman, have you never bought a blouse for your mother?

I mean, that's the hottest Leave It to Beaver episode.

It is.

And the kinkiest that I

don't, I was going to say that I can remember, but I don't remember it at all.

I'm glad to say I don't remember a lot of Leave It to Beaver.

Subscribe to my OnlyFans for more blast for your mother content.

You think that my quote, I'm Judge John Hodgman, damn it, comes from Leave It to Beaver.

Okay.

All right, Sherry.

All right, Lauren.

I have a feeling, Brian, that you can steal this one.

Do you want to hear it again?

Don't tell me to say it again, headshot.

I do what I want.

I'm Judge John Hodgman, damn it.

And everybody loves me.

Definitely from the littlest toboat.

Oh, my God, bro.

Yeah, the Canadian children's television program about an adventuring dog.

The long method of 10,000 seasons.

10,000 Canadian seasons.

Solves a problem and then runs away.

Solves a problem and then runs away.

Well, there is a theme in that you're all citing sources from the 20th century, some closer to the mid-20th century than others, but all guesses are wrong.

Come on.

Jesse Thorne, who was I quoting?

I presume that you were quoting Eddie Murphy as Gumby from Saturday.

Eddie Murphy as Gumby from Saturday Night Live.

Oh, man.

Should have got that.

One of us should have gotten that.

Well, I know.

And I was prepared to ding you once you said, oh, it's Eddie Murphy from Saturday Night Live.

I was going to go, well, which specific episode?

Guessing that you would not guess.

December the 22nd of 2019, when Eddie Murphy came back to reprise his famous role as a cantankerous former movie star named Gumby

on weekend update with Michael Che and Colin Joast.

And that's when Eddie Murphy, I think, ad-libbed calling Colin Joast headshot, which is, I think,

the funniest diss that I've heard in quite a while.

Gumby still got it.

Calling Colin Joast headshot.

That was his nickname for him.

All right.

But in any case, you're all wrong.

So we get to hear this case again.

Hey, hey, Lauren, do you know what song is in my mind right now?

Tiki, tiki, tikiki, tiki, tiki, tiki.

See, now, now, if that had been the cultural reference, you would have gotten it.

Yes, in the tiki, tikiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room, because

as we were warming up all our microphones and cameras, you were singing that.

I'm not going to say incessantly, I'll say delightfully.

Oh, thank you.

It's a very catchy tune that harkens back

in some respects to your first appearance on the Judge John Hodgin podcast when you appeared with your mom,

Sherry, to discuss what, Lauren?

My mother

was making the request that I flush her ashes down a toilet in Disney World when she dies.

Flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World.

Yes.

One of our great cases.

And you were opposed.

And Sherry, I ruled against you, correct?

I said, no, you can't flush your ashes.

You can't ask your own daughter to flush your ashes, not even down a toilet inside Disney World, if I remember correctly.

You wanted to do it discreetly in an on-site hotel.

Panachless, yes.

Oh, a specific hotel.

Well, it was a panacheless request.

Yeah, panachless, yes.

It was in any, yeah, it was in a hotel, but not in the park.

I thought that was panachalis.

Is the new Mickey parade at Disney World?

It's replacing Fantasy.

That sounds so grim.

No, okay.

Sorry, I misheard you there.

All right.

Yes.

Yes.

And I ordered that there be a disposal of ashes with some panache.

Specifically,

what was the panache that I ordered, Lauren?

What did I order you to do?

Well, first, you said that I would have to run a Disney half marathon and in a Tinkerbell costume and mix it with the glitter and throw it on people.

And I was really excited about that.

And you said, I'm just kidding.

Absolutely do not do that.

Yeah,

you can't throw your mom's ashes with glitter, mixed with glitter on people.

Even if your mom is Rip Taylor.

No, but then you said that I could put it in one of the fountains in the Magic Kingdom, which is kind of like

it had some panache, but no one would have to clean it up.

And you are supposed to throw things in fountains.

So it kind of was a happy medium of our.

Yeah, I think specifically the Snow White Wishin' Well.

Yes, yes, off to the side of the castle, which is a nice quiet spot, by the way, if anyone, depends on how the sun is shining that day, but if you need a little quiet and shade at disneyland or disney world that's a good spot to go we were just in the magic kingdom recently and i made my mom take a special visit so she could check it out what did you think about that sherry your final resting place you just saw yeah i'm still a little bitter about your daughter wanted to give you a preview of your own death i had to check it out i still i don't know i guess i have to go by your rolling but I didn't win either.

I wanted the jungle cruise, but I loved it.

I love the solution.

Well, here's the thing.

If you try to put some ashes, if you try to dispose of some ashes over the side of the jungle cruise, you're going to Disney jail.

There's no way no one catches even that.

You're right, Laura.

That's right.

I so wanted to do it.

Can I put someone else?

John, can I put your ashes down in the jungle cruise?

I'm not your mother.

No.

No,

I'm spreading Judge John Hodgman's ashes at the Water World stunt show at Universal Studios.

Oh, that's good.

Underrated masterpiece, underrated masterpiece.

One of the wettest masterpieces, indeed.

But Sherry,

you have beef with the Court of Judge John Hodgman.

You feel that you were wronged.

I'd like to appeal.

Let's hear this before we get into this gumby thing.

Okay.

I just really feel that it's really gross, but you mentioned

how I would clog the toilet with my bones.

I'm not saying,

I'm not saying that you necessarily have cloggy bones, madam.

I just don't,

I don't want just, can't you just take a little teaspoon of my ashes?

It doesn't have to be my whole body, Sherry.

I'm not afraid to say it.

Your bones are cloggy.

You got cloggy bones.

No, she's not.

I'm just saying that the potential when you're putting foreign matter down at toilet, even at the fanciest, brandest, newest resort like the Panachlis

resort at Disney, the Magic Kingdom or whatever,

you know, you could be clogging something up.

And one of the rules of the Judge Sean Hodgin podcast is be mindful of the work you leave for others.

If you don't want an overflowing toilet, overflowing of those cloggy bones, but you're still fighting.

Boy, Sherry, you're still fighting this.

You're still going to be mixed with the waters of the Magic Kingdom.

You still will help the flowers bloom and grow.

I respect your judgment.

And I.

Well, I don't know.

It doesn't sound like it.

I do.

Well, I don't respect it, but I will.

Mom's

there's trying to win a case here no look your mom's under fake oath i appreciate her candor no i follow i i will follow the ruling though well i mean you won't have any choice i'm sorry to say i mean unless you unless you write unless you write it into a

binding will and you find someone else to execute your plan yeah which i mean you'd have to disown your daughter and i don't think you should she seems nice if you're out there and you don't want to have cloggy bones just don't swallow your chewing gum spit it out so sherry if we're not here to relitigate the past and

your future death, which I'm very glad to see you happy and healthy, or at least healthy seeming, I hope happy.

I hope you're as okay as possible in these strange times.

And I hope that you live for a good long time.

But we are here for something.

And what is it?

What's the dispute now, Sherry?

Since Lauren was a very little girl, we all love Gumby.

But

Brian would say, I'm the Gumby of this family.

And we would argue with him because we all felt that we were the Gumby.

We used to all argue that we were the Gumby.

But as Lauren has matured, she's turned into a really fine Gumby.

And

all I know is that he's not Gumby.

He's not Gumby.

And he's just not.

I'm sorry.

I mean,

it's a...

It's a big point of contention in our family.

He will not admit that he's not.

He's pokey.

He's not Gumby.

All right.

Well, we'll get into it.

But for those of you who maybe aren't watching on the YouTube channel, Judge John Hodgman Pod,

you should get over there and rewind a little bit to see Lauren's facial reaction when her mom says she's a very fine, she's grown to be a very fine Gumby.

Lauren, can you explain to the listeners and viewers who might not know who Gumby is?

There are probably some people who don't even know who Eddie Murphy is at this point.

Gumby is kind of like everybody's best friend.

He wants the best in the world.

He's just good, always doing the right thing, you know.

He's also green and made of clay.

If we're going to get back to the basics.

Oh, yeah.

And he has like a head that's kind of misshapen.

An off-kilter head.

Yeah, an off-kilter head.

He's very bendy, you know?

And he was inspired, apparently, by the gingerbread man.

The creator of Gumby's wife suggested that Gumby look like the gingerbread man.

Hey, show respect.

Say his name, Art Cloakie.

Yeah, Art Cloakie, the Cloak.

Big C

originally made him to look like the gingerbread man.

He has a sort of whooping head in honor of Art Cloakie's father's hairstyle in a

particular old photograph.

And he has big, wide feet that make him look like his feet are, you know,

flared blue jeans

because for practical practical reasons, because otherwise he would fall over while they were trying to do claymations.

And he was in a series of stop-motion claymation animated shorts that were very popular in the middle of the previous century.

Before we get into this, Brian, you're the first person to have started this fight way back when you claimed to be the Gumby of the family.

What does Gumby mean to you, sir?

Gumby, Laurence said, Gumby wants to be everyone's friend, but he's also a problem solver.

So he gets in disputes.

He's always the person that's going to come through for

the solution.

He doesn't hold ill will even when ill will's coming towards him.

And I just, as Lauren and I were watching, I thought, you know, I hate to say it, I'm a lot like Gumby.

And

what did you all, what did you, Lauren and Sherry, think when your dad started claiming he was Gumby?

You just accused him of being the pokey.

What does that mean to you, Lauren?

I always thought

Gumby's the best.

We all agree.

I always thought my dad was pokey.

I always thought he was going to be, may I be perfectly honest with you?

Yes.

You don't think he's pokey.

We don't all agree that Gumby is the best.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm just saying

in our family, we're all vying for the crown of Gumby.

You know that old saying, right?

Gumby for thee, not for me.

Oh,

it's never been.

You always say that.

I know.

John is a big goo, the blue mermaid guy.

it's not just that though because so my dad's pokey i always thought i was a little kid i i thought that it just meant he was slow that's it i want to see what everybody what my mom has to say about you thought you called him pokey because he was slow on his own schedule like behind everyone like slow to get ready for things not in a hurry and of behind schedule sherry is that a is that part of the pokey character or it just a reflection of the name pokey well i agree that pokey is not someone to dislike he's pokey because he's a of the adjective pokey he's he's always making us wait he's the last person to arrive but i've never said he was a blockhead

also i have i have to say when my dad was explaining who he thinks of when he thinks of gumby i could sense the shift from when he started just talking about himself.

Like he, at the end, towards the end of that, he was referring to himself.

Like he wasn't even thinking about Gumby anymore.

He's like, yeah, and Gumby, you know, really like

has goodwill for everyone.

And, you know, sort of like if I had said, like, oh, Gumby, he's, he's green.

He sort of looks like a gingerbread man with an unusually shaped head.

He's a big San Francisco giants fan.

Exactly.

Exactly.

I saw the shift.

I don't know if anyone else noticed that.

Well, you know, what you're, your, your dad described properties that he ascribes to Gumby, which include being a problem solver,

having a good attitude.

Isn't that right, sir?

What else did you say?

Good attitude, problem solver.

I think he was talking about himself.

Well, obviously, he says he's the Gumby, damn it.

Yeah.

Brian says Gumby puts out positive vibes even when he's receiving negative vibes.

Yes, thank you.

I appreciate that.

That's another detail.

I mean, Lauren, Sherry, I'll ask you in that order: is Brian

accurately describing himself?

Set aside the Gumby versus Pokey.

Does he give good vibes even when he's getting bad vibes?

Is he a problem solver?

Is he everybody's pal?

Yes or no?

I would say my dad's a problem solver.

All right.

Sure.

I'll give him that.

All right.

The vibes are dependent.

The vibe situation is always quite dependent, I would say.

On what?

Whether his wife and daughter turn on him, then he might not

necessarily give out good vibes.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's one thing.

Yeah.

Sherry, would you say that Brian is a problem solver?

He is a problem solver.

Yes.

I'm getting words from, I'm getting a word in my ear from our producer, the wonderful Jennifer Marmer, saying Brian.

This wouldn't come up.

Brian solved a problem off mic right before we were recording.

Is that true?

Lauren, when you were singing in the tiki tiki tiki tiki room and putting that earworm into my head, was your father solving a problem?

Yes or no?

Yes, unfortunately.

Brian, what is the problem that you solved?

I know that Gumby isn't a braggart,

but what tell me, but he is a problem solver.

What's the problem you solved?

There was Echo, and we couldn't trace it down to the

Maximum Fun Studios.

Was it in Philly?

Was it at Breakthrough?

And I said, just turn off the Echo control.

And then it fixed it.

He's Gumby, dammit.

It's got to be Gumby.

Now, listen, kids, when I say I'm Gumby Dammit, or he's Gumby Dammit, this is a reference to Eddie Murphy's inversion of the character because Gumby was so sweet and friendly, and Eddie Murphy's version of the character was old and mean and cantankerous.

And his catchphrase was, I'm Gumby Dammit.

And I don't normally,

that's not explicit.

I don't think that's going to get us the E on the on the podcast list, the explicit badge, but I got to say it because eventually I'm going to make all three of you say it.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org/slash join.

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Even though Gumby is not for me,

I'm sure sure we're going to get letters of people defending Gumby.

And if it's your favorite, that's fine.

I'd love to hear from you.

It's kind of beautiful.

I love.

It's iconic.

I mean, they're iconic looking characters, for sure.

Yeah, and

it is a remarkable idea that they exist in this weird interdimensional space where everyone talks very slowly.

and the problems are extremely low stakes and everyone can pass through walls.

Did you all watch Gumby together, Lauren?

Was it important to you or was it just part of the background of your cultural context?

I actually don't remember watching.

I was so little, but we had a friend that really liked it.

And I think it was more like, I don't know much about him, but I know I'm him and I want to be him.

It was coveted position.

Sherry, who would you say is the Gumby of the family?

Lauren.

I'm Lauren's the Gumby.

And who are you?

I'm the blockhead.

I'm the blockhead.

This is the second or third time we've heard the blockhead term, and that's another, it's a pair of characters, right?

From Gumby?

Who are the blockheads?

There's more than one blockhead, but I am one of the blockheads.

I don't know.

The blockheads are the villains, probably.

And the people,

Sherry?

You're causing trouble?

I cause trouble.

Yeah.

I don't know.

We all have to be somebody.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot you wanted to clog up all of the plumbing at Disney World with your bones.

Are you the blockhead with the G on its head or the blockhead with the J on its head?

And is there a difference between those two blockheads?

Which one do you think I am?

No, I don't know.

I never really, I'm not sure.

You've always struck me as a G blockhead.

Oh, okay.

Sweet.

All right.

Sherry, can you give me an example of blockhead behavior in which you've engaged?

Well, I think Brian would say that I'm just,

I cause trouble wherever I go.

Anything that's I'm doing, it causes more work for the whole family.

I just mess things up a lot.

I do.

I really do.

Well, I won't let you say that about yourself, Sherry.

Brian, you explain why your wife messes things up all the time.

What kind of trouble does

Sherry the blockhead, G or J, cause for this family?

She does not cause trouble all the time, but she does.

Not all the time.

As people like to say, marches to her own drummer, so everything's going to kind of be down her path.

I'm getting word from our producer, Jennifer Marmor, who's been over there at this website, gumbyworld.com, that blockheads, according to this website, quote, they know only one way to do anything the hard way, often at someone else's expense and usually at Gumby's expense.

Does that describe your mom, Lauren?

I would say no.

I would say no.

All right.

I also hear from Jennifer Marmor that these distinctions with regard to Gumby.

Gumby has both feet on the ground, but his head is in the clouds.

His focus is on doing what is right and good.

Because of his faith and following his heart, everything always works out for him.

In the end, where Gumby is idealistic, Pokey is skeptical.

Where Gumby is trusting, Pokey asks questions.

Does that mean Pokey has a podcast?

Does Pokey have a far-right podcast?

Yeah, Pokey.

Just asking questions.

Just asking questions.

Gumby has both feet on the ground, specifically because if he didn't, again, because of the claymation, the character would fall over.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need to have those sticky, big, gumby feet.

Gumby is skeptical.

I don't know, Lauren, do you still feel that you're the Gumby?

And are you dragging your skeptical dad along?

I think, okay, so for years, my whole life, I wanted to be Gumby.

And then recently, I was home for Christmas and my mom casually mentioned, she said, you know what, I think you're Gumby.

And I kind of didn't process this.

And so in January, she was over at my house in Philadelphia.

And I said, wait a second, mom, I just let this pass by that you called me Gumby.

She was like, yeah, I actually think you're Gumby.

And she started praising me or whatever.

And I was like saying, actually, I think you're Gumby.

And I was like, suddenly, I didn't,

I didn't want to be Gumby anymore.

And when I started to see things as they are, which is that my mom is Gumby.

So it was this very strange moment where we were temporarily fighting over.

Now I thought my mom was Gumby.

Anyway, what we have to say is that.

But we both agree that Brian is not.

That's all we can agree on.

So I don't actually care who is.

It's, but my, my dad is not Gumby.

I think it's my mom.

She leads the whole family.

Would you say, Lauren, that claiming to be Gumby is an un-gumby-like claim?

Would Gumby say to you, look, I'm not a Gumby.

That is so true.

Man, after fighting over this for 41 years, we never thought of that.

And you and I, Lauren, are selflessly saying, no, it's you.

No, it's you.

It's true.

No, it's just Gumby and I being our authentic selves.

It's not me saying that about me or Gumby thinking that about himself.

It's the two of us just being us.

Brian, I'm told that you have, that you keep a ledger with regard to the family.

Can you explain what that's all about?

Not gumby-like.

It's not very gumby-like, Dad.

I do have a little book

that I just, you know, some infractions I'll just keep track of.

What kinds of infractions are we talking about?

Oh, it could be anything.

It could be.

Well, by no means should you ever give me any examples.

Late, being late.

It sounds like maybe you don't want to talk about

the ledger of family infractions that you've been keeping with regard to your beloved wife and daughter on a public podcast.

Is that possible that you don't want to get into the details of the crimes that you've been enumerating against your

family members all these years?

Why track the crimes if you can't recapitulate them in public, Brian?

Oh, they're just for me.

They're just for me.

Petty,

one might say.

Brian, how long have you been keeping the ledger of infractions?

I'm on my third book.

So it's been years.

They're little books.

And they're just little.

Lauren, what are you down in your dad's

black book for?

What have you done?

I can think of a good example of something that would get me in the book.

I would

do something that would cause the smoke alarm to go off.

That's a good one.

And dad would, if the book, often the book, he doesn't carry the book around,

but he just puts his hand out in front of him and makes a little weird face and a pretend pen and kind of looks at it like he's writing down what I'm doing.

And that's all he has to do for me to know I'm in the book.

And then he'll bring it up.

for the rest of my life.

Remember that time that you left, you made the smoke detectors go off and I'll never hear the end of it.

So it's there's things the reason we can't think of examples is because there's so many and they're they're all everything we do basically is in the book.

Are you allowed to look at the book or is it just as Brian says for him?

He said that he had one.

I only see when he's pretend writing in it and then takes it back and puts it in the book.

Brian, when you pretend to write in the book to give Lauren or

your wife a reprimand, when you're miming writing in the book, do you then remember it and go back home and actually write in the book?

Or

is it just all make-believe?

I often then, when I get to my office, I take out the book and write it in.

Write it in.

Okay.

Sure.

Not all the time, but the smoke alarm one is in there.

At first, Judge Hodgman, I imagined that this book determined whether at the end of the year the Christmas stockings were full of coal or tangerines.

Yeah.

But then I realized...

As far as I'm concerned, but go on.

Then I realized that

Then I realized that if they make it to the end of the week with no entries in the book, they get a pizza party.

Sherry,

have you ever been written up?

Oh,

every day.

Every day?

Something happens every day, right?

You're not in the book every day.

Or something.

I can think of one that would get mom in the book.

Like, she puts something in the refrigerator in the wrong way.

That's a good one.

I don't remember that happening.

Hang on.

I don't like that at all.

I'm definitely writing that in my book right now.

I have to say, Brian, when you think of Gumby, do you think of Gumby taking out his little pad and writing down all the things that his friends have done wrong?

Gumby is always preparing for the festivous airing of grievance.

Well, we don't know that.

We don't see that side of Gumby because he's always solving problems and living his life.

You're saying.

So you think that off-screen screen,

on screen, Gumby is solving problems, showing kindness to others, whether or not they're showing kindness to him, passing through walls and waiting for Pokey.

But off screen, he's keeping a list of grievances and errors that others have made because he is a paragon of perfection.

He's not hurting anyone with it, but doesn't everybody have that day that you just go home and you sit in that big chair that his dad was in in the one episode?

You plop down in the chair, get your book out, and just write down a couple things that Pokey did.

No one does that.

No, that's not a normal thing to do, I wouldn't say.

I'm not saying I wouldn't do it in the future now that I have the idea.

His dad has a name,

and we should address him as such.

His name is Gumbo.

Oh.

And his mom's name is Gumba.

Oh, God.

Gumbo and Gumbo.

Do I understand that Gumby is an only child, Jesse Thorne?

Is there any information on that in your gumbyworld.com reference?

I'm looking at gumbyworld.com here, and it says he's a member of the only children super smart, afraid of conflict narcissist club.

Yeah, well, okay.

That's Laura.

Now I'm starting to like this guy.

Another thing we have in common.

Sherry,

if I were to rule that Brianne is Gumby, just hypothetically speaking, it says here that you will be pissed off.

That's the quote I have.

We'll just never hear the end of it.

You know, if that's what you want to do to our family, then

Lauren, I want to get back to this moment that your mom referred to you as Gumby.

So this started when you were a kid, right?

Yeah.

And are you an only child like Gumby?

I am.

This is getting better and better.

All right.

No wonder you have a podcast newsletter.

I know.

Oh, that's true.

Lauren does have a podcast newsletter called Podcast the Newsletter available at podcastthenewsletter.substack.com.

Is that correct?

Yes.

Thank you for bringing it up.

Absolutely.

I'm very excited to read it.

Also, I have a substackhodgin.substack.com.

Just saying, but point is,

so, and, and, and you're an adult now, and over all of these years, you've always wanted to be the gumby.

And then it was only recently that your mom said, you know what, you're the gumby, and now you don't want it anymore.

What did it mean to you when your mom said you're the Gumby?

What happened?

I realized what it meant to be Gumby and I really started to think about it.

And I, you know what?

I didn't realize this until we were talking to Jennifer, your wonderful producer.

It was like she was our family, much needed family therapist.

And I realized that for 41 years, almost 41 years, this had been a competition.

And I, I didn't even, I really didn't watch Gumby, but the, I want, we all wanted to win.

We're very competitive.

Yeah.

And then when I really started to think, wait, who is Gumby?

Who is the

kind person?

And I think my mother is a problem solver who, you know, always wants the good for everyone, you know, also a leader.

She is the soul of the family, the beating heart of the family.

I realized that that is who I actually believe deserves the Gumby crown, not me.

Who among the three of you has their head in the clouds?

Good question.

I think that's also my mom.

yeah i would say

feet on the ground but head in the clouds yeah it seems to me that you've really found the crux here lauren which is that it's not so important to be like gumby but that you that each of you wants to be the star of the show is that true

we want to be the star of a show we want to be

the winner of every we all we want to be the winner of everything everything is a competition with the three of us i think like

we also i think this is an important detail If anything goes wrong in my family, we have to assign whose fault it was and talk about it for the rest of their lives.

Like it's very like vengeful.

Well, that's where the legend is beta-driven.

Yeah, we're all very, so I feel like it was more of a, this has to be determined.

We have to determine.

And this is why we're here.

We need this to be solved, determined, named.

And we all want to be the leader.

I think it's a leadership thing.

I think we all want to be the leader.

Brian, Sherry, what do you think about Lauren's breakdown of your family dynamic?

Does it make sense to you or no?

That's accurate.

That's pretty good, Laura.

Yeah, thanks.

So, Brian, Sherry, and Lauren, you've come to this court and I'm going to rule, and one of you is going to be the Gumby forever.

Please explain and make a final argument as to who you think is Gumby, dammit, and why.

I'll start with you, Brian.

I'm Gumby, damn it, because

I really am everyone's friend.

I really want to solve all the problems, and I want resolution to be that everyone can be happy.

All right.

Sherry, I'm Gumby, damn it, because.

Oh, you don't believe you're Gumby even.

I don't care.

Damn it.

I don't care.

Which of us, Lauren or I,

we can share gumbyhood.

I don't, I don't care, but I just don't.

want, but I just, I'm just saying Brian is not Gumby because

for the rest of our lives, if you rule in favor of Brian, you're pretty much

ruining our family.

Ruining our family dynamics.

Sherry, would you say I've already done enough damage by robbing you of

your preferred

last wishes and the disposal of your body?

I'm okay with that now.

Lauren, you've heard your dad's argument and your mom's plea that whatever happened, he not be Gumby because he cannot be trusted with the office of Gumby.

He is un-gumbyable.

You now must say, I am Gumby, damn it, because, or some, another sentence that you choose.

My dad is not Gumby, damn it, because

Gumby would not call himself Gumby and Gumby would not have a little ledger.

So again,

just a negative argument against your dad for Gumby.

But someone is.

Someone must be Gumby.

Yeah, who's going to be Gumby if not your dad?

You got to give me someone to vote for, not just something to vote against.

Okay.

I mean, then it has to be my mom.

She raised me.

I wouldn't even be here.

She gave birth to me.

She is Gumby.

Yeah, but Gumby, but Gumby, but Gumby, as far as I can tell, is not only a child, but an only child.

Yeah, it gets tricky.

That's true.

But I know it doesn't matter.

Symbolically, she's the Gumby.

I'll be the blockhead.

I'll do it.

I will do it.

I will be the blockhead.

I can be a blockhead.

We can all admit that.

Dad, but dad's pokey.

That's why.

You know, it's not a requirement that each of you have a name.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Oh, my gosh.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

You all must be

a Gumby character.

Yes.

Yes.

Historically speaking,

we've been arguing about this very thing.

This is like sunk cost.

Like, if we don't decide, like, what have we been living for?

Why can't one of you be Sparkle the Dragon?

What's the dragon's name again?

Prickle.

Why can't one of you be Prickle?

The yellow dragon that drives a car?

I will be Pray.

Dad can be Prickle.

Mom can be Prickle.

Dad can't be Gumby.

Uh-oh, bad news.

I'm Prickle.

You can't be Prickle.

Oh,

I called.

Oh.

And what does Nopey the Dog say?

How does it sound?

Nope.

Just nope, nope, nope.

Is that what it sounds like?

Or nope, nope, nope.

Let's go to the tape.

All right, I got it now.

Thank you very much.

I think I've heard everything I need to make my decision.

I'm going to pass through this wall into my chambers.

I'll be back in a moment with my verdict.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Sherry, how are you feeling about your chances right now?

Anxious.

To tell you the truth.

I'm feeling a little anxious because this is going to determine the rest of my life.

It's going to be, it's a big, it's a big decision.

Yeah, are you feeling like you advocated for yourself well?

This judge isn't always,

isn't always, doesn't always go the way you hope.

I've been in his courtroom before.

It's bad timing to criticize the judge right now.

He's not here.

He's sober.

He's in his chambers.

He can't.

He's in his chambers.

Brian, how are you feeling?

I feel like that book may have taken me down.

I don't.

They were sure to get that in with Jennifer.

I think that that book is a hard one to explain.

Has anything in this recording of Judge John Hodgman potentially made it into the book?

Definitely.

Lauren, how are you feeling about your chances?

I mean, not very confident.

I feel like we I didn't get to paint a portrait enough.

I think it would just take too long to explain why my dad isn't Gumby.

Well, we'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

So I spent most of my time in my chambers looking at videos of Nopi the dog.

I love this dog.

That's a good use of time.

I mean, I can't believe that I never knew about Nopi the dog.

I mean, because I truly noped out of Gumby right away.

First time I ever clapped eyes on this guy.

I was like, this is not for me.

Yeah, Nopi is wonderful.

And Nopi,

you know, I guess I am a little bit more cynical, pokey style, but I'm definitely Nopey in a lot of ways.

And I like, if I knew that there was this counter character to Gumby and Pokey's sweetness, maybe I would have watched this show.

Maybe I would have understood why it would be important to your family or any family that you each claim one of these characters.

And, you know, as Brian talks about his claim to Gumby,

the Gumby that he describes is more interesting than the Gumby that I would see on screen.

I would never want to be Gumby.

Gumby is kind,

caring, adventurous.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what else?

Gumby is boring, insipid,

treakly is the word I wanted to use.

I love Brian's idea that Gumby has a secret life.

Where after he's helped all his friends,

he goes from his extrovert to his introvert phase and has to sit alone in a room and write down all of his frustrations.

That's human.

Gumby is not human.

That's why the Gumby, the Eddie Murphy Gumby impersonation is funny, because he took this insipid character and gave him anger and depth, arguably, and it was fun.

I mean, I think that it's true that the Gumby we see on screen would never keep a ledger.

like Brian keeps.

But the Gumby that lives in Brian's head, well, frankly, that's a character I'm more interested in.

But it's not the Gumby that exists.

Humans

are more interesting than Gumby.

You three are all humans.

Using the logical law of syllogism?

I don't remember if I'm getting this right, but the point is, you must all accept you are all much, much more interesting.

I know that you've liked Gumby for years and years, but I'm here to tell you, you three of you are so much more interesting, funny, eccentric, and wonderful than that kid Gumby ever was or ever is.

I don't know why you would want to be Gumby other than, I guess, a lifelong family feud where one of you has to come out on top.

Lauren, earlier, you were like,

Gumby is the star of the show and you're all very competitive.

But here's something interesting.

One characteristic Gumby does not have, he does not do whatever it takes to win.

He's a nice guy who shares, you know, like the truth is none of you are really Gumby.

You're whole human beings.

That's why we love you.

That's why we want you on the podcast.

I wouldn't want some piece of clay on this podcast, especially if he was an only child and then he had turned out he had a sister, the liar.

So I can't understand exactly why.

These characters are dumb.

Sorry,

legacy of Art Cloakie.

I mean, you brought a lot of joy to people's lives, but it is very, very hard for me to even,

like, every time I think about which one of you should be the Gumby, I feel like I'm doing all three of you a disservice.

And I do think that you should set this aside and realize

you're not Gumby.

You're Brian, you're Sherry, you're Lauren.

That said, if I am forced to choose,

and you have asked me to,

if I am forced to insert myself into your family and ruin it again, there's only one person I know of the three of you

who would run a half marathon dressed as Tinkerbell,

throwing glitter and her mother's ashes in people's eyes.

To me, that's the definition of having your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground.

You know, I have to say, when your mom said you're Gumby now,

what an incredible thing for

a mom to pass on to their child.

This,

however ill-considered, title of familial respect

claimed

back and forth among parents and finally bestowed upon you.

Lauren, I think that not only is that a great gift from your mom,

it is one that you should not shrug off.

You're the Gumby, Lauren.

Whoever was the Gumby before,

as said in the movie Captain Phillips, you're the Gumby now.

And it's obvious to me that you all have Gumby qualities.

We isolate the good qualities of Gumby.

You're all kind.

You all care about each other.

You all have

eccentricities that are lovely and funny and interesting.

Brian, your thing about the ledger is a little creepy, but I'm going to pass that off as an eccentricity

because

you own it so funnily in such a nice way.

I do think if you have not already, you must open the books to your wife and daughter so they can see what their infractions are and share some of their favorite ones with the podcast at some point in the future.

That is the least Gumby-ish of you, Brian, but you all have the good Gumby qualities.

And you all share the best quality of not being as boring as Gumby.

I have to say that it is so sweet that your mom passed this title on to you, Lauren.

And it's so hilarious, Brian, that you reject

this wonderful gift and want to reclaim it for yourself.

But since you all have good Gumby qualities, I think the answer is very clear: Lauren is Gumby.

No one is Pokey.

Brian is Gumbo.

Sherry is Gumba.

It's the Gumby family.

Oh my gosh.

And I am Nopey the dog.

Nope, nope, nope.

This is the sound of a gavel.

I am Gumby by Gumby.

Judge John Hodgman rules that is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Lauren, how does it feel to be a Gumby?

I'm going to Disney World.

Sherry and Brian, it must be nice to have raised a Gumby.

Shouldn't you be saying Gumba and Gumbo?

Oh, no, I'm in the book.

Can't even get it right.

As Gumba, as Gumba, I think that was beautiful.

Beautiful.

You know, Lauren, some people go their entire lives without ever hearing from their parents that they're a fine, they've come to be a fine Gumby.

I know.

Lauren, Sherry, Brian, thank you so much for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you.

Thanks.

It was fun to see how you pull all this together.

Thanks for having us.

That was great.

That's another Judge John Hodgman case.

John,

I'm going to put this in my little black book of classic Judge John Hodgman episodes.

That's a good book, though, right?

Not the bad book?

Yeah, yeah.

This is a list of

work that I'm proud of.

I am proud of it too.

It's so nice to visit that family again.

I'm also proud that we work for the members of Maximum Fund.

So

if you're already a member of Maximum Fund, thank you so much.

You're the greatest.

If you're not and you've listened through this whole episode, now is the time to go to maximumfund.org slash join and become a member of Maximum Fund because you get all kinds of cool stuff, but also,

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Like

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And John, you know, with every carrot comes a stick.

Yeah.

I also have a little black book for people who don't go to maximumfund.org slash join.

Yeah.

And if you don't go to maximumfund.org slash join, no pizza party for any of you.

Oh, no.

Yeah, that's right.

That's my big heel turn, John.

Let me put it this way.

We've been doing this show a really long time.

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In that time,

many other projects that you and I have worked on have disappeared because of the vicissitudes of capitalism.

I'm looking at you, Netflix.

You dinged my special, Ragnarok.

Goodbye.

Why can't I watch your special anymore, John?

Oh, because you don't even know why.

It just disappeared one day.

I think they ran out of hard drive space at Netflix HQ or something.

And I'm sure that if you're out there, there's like a television program that you watched for a season and you loved and then it disappeared.

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The reason that Judge John Hodgman has not gone that way is because we are in control of the show and you support it directly.

That's the reason.

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Do it now while you're thinking about it.

We got Swift Justice here.

First, our thanks to Redditor HeyU11 for naming this week's episode.

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We are pumping out the content on all channels thanks to the support of Maximum Fun members.

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I recommend giving it a listen if you like listening to the always hilarious John Hodgman.

Hey, that's me.

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Now, let's get to Swift Justice where we answer your small disputes with quick judgment.

Laura says, my favorite ice cream flavor is butter pecan.

My husband says butter pecan is an old lady ice cream flavor.

I think butter pecan is for all ages.

I don't know that I've ever tasted butter pecan.

I appreciate its association with old timey ice cream parlor, but I don't know that it's an old lady, isn't it?

No, 100% is.

It is?

Oh, because I was.

Look,

I'm not saying that Laura shouldn't have it.

Right.

Laura, if you love Werther's originals, suck on them things.

I was going to say that Lauren should try crushed up Werther's originals in a menthol ice cream base.

And you know what?

Lawrence, you know what Lauren's husband's favorite ice cream probably is?

No.

Rum raisin.

All right.

I stand by my bailiff.

We're partners in this thing.

Sorry, Laura, you're eating an old lady ice cream and you got to love it.

It's fine.

Love what you love.

John, I just got back from the Jonathan Colton cruise, Joco Cruz 2025.

I had a lovely time, a wonderful time, met some really great people.

Another great community.

Yeah, both performers and attendees met a lot of Judge John Hodgman fans.

In fact, there was a time when I was sitting there eating breakfast.

I looked up and to my left and saw a family with a cool teen wearing a hot dog is not a sandwich t-shirt.

Oh, so great.

Thank you so much to the Judge John Hodgman listeners and listener members on the cruise.

In fact, that gives me an idea.

We need some maritime justice, maritime law.

International waters.

That's right.

And do you have any disputes involving cruise ships or cargo ships or tugboats or rowboats or

rafts?

Do you have a disagreement about which melon is the money melon?

That's going to be one that can only be determined in international waters.

Send us your boat-related disputes, however you want to interpret that, at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO.

And indeed, send us all of your disputes at that particular link, maximumfund.org/slash JJHO, right, Jesse?

And we always love to hear all your disputes on any subject.

No case is too small.

Submit those cases at maximumfund.org slash jjho H O and become a member of Maximum Fun at maximumfund.org slash join.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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