Hot, Tubular, Non-Sandwich Beef

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm your wishfully thinking it's summertime, fun time guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte.

We are in chambers this week to clear the docket on the maximum fun rocket, which we hope will not suffer a rapid, unscheduled disassembly like Elon Musk's Starship did.

Please welcome the man who built this city on rock and roll, like Starship did, the honorable Judge John Hodgman.

Monty Belmonte, why are you taking swipes at Elon Musk on this podcast?

Why not?

That's a big fat target.

You know,

I was recently at an airport and I went to the rental counter and I asked for a car to rent for personal travel.

And they produced me.

I didn't ask.

They produced in front of me a Tesla Series 3.

What a crummy piece of junk.

Really?

Valerie Moffitt, did I already talk about this on the podcast?

No.

I'd rather drive a playmobile car than that thing.

Really?

Yes.

It made me very nervous.

I am all for electric vehicles.

I was hoping I was going to get like a little, what do you call it, a little Chevy Spark plug or something?

I don't know.

Chevy Bolt.

Sure.

But I just, you know, with my experiences on social media, I don't want to sit in a fast-moving piece of technology that this guy had anything to do with.

Didn't inspire trust in me.

And the rearview mirror truly felt like I could crumple it in my hands like a piece of aluminum foil.

Just a very janky feeling.

It got me where I needed to go safely.

Bojangles.

I've had two opportunities to drive a Tesla, and both of the times it felt like I was driving the Batmobile, but it was literally only for about, you know, five minutes each time.

Also very challenging.

I hope it didn't rain because

it's a five-step process to turn on the windshield wipers

or something.

You press a button

on the control, you know, on the physical wand or whatever it is where you normally find the windshield wipers, but then you have to go to the tablet

to scroll through to get to

establish the frequency of the wipers.

Forget about it.

No.

Not going to drive in another one.

Summertime, fun time, Monty Belmonte.

And yet, and yet, we are recording this

on a cool, late spring afternoon, I in Brooklyn, New York.

You

from the studios of New England Public Media in

name of town redacted, Western Massachusetts.

Are you allowed to say where the studios are?

Absolutely.

They're in Springfield, Massachusetts.

Springfield, Massachusetts, the Paris of Western Mass.

Big Town.

Yes.

And this is a new job for you since you've joined us on the podcast last.

You used to be the morning radio host at WRSI the River in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Now you've got a whole new job and a whole new daily afternoon terrestrial and online radio show called The Fabulous 413.

We're going to talk about that a little bit later on in the podcast.

But in the meantime,

you're here for a spring fling.

Love it.

Yeah, a pre-summer spring fling.

And I'm so excited to see you and talk to you.

I need because summer's coming up and we all want it so badly,

I got to say some information.

I don't know if you listened to the episode, Monty, on our Grudge Match episode where I talked about Robin Hood camp in Maine.

I'm going to pretend that I did so that I feel like a devout listener to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

All right, Valerie, keep all that in.

Our son attended a day camp on one side of a pond in Maine.

And

as I mentioned on our Grudge Match episode, he came back from camp one day saying that one of his fellow campers had almost gotten hit by a jet ski.

I'm like, what jet ski?

And he said, well, that's from the camp across the lake, the rich snob kid camp.

And I'm like, this can't be, this is too on the nose.

This is a, this is the, the, the plot of a movie.

There's no way that literally across the lake is a rich kid camp full of snobs.

And then, of course, I learned there is a camp.

It's called Robin Hood Camp.

I learned that because Robin Hood Camp was stenciled on the side of the luxury motor coach that delivered the campers to an afternoon meal at the Fishnet restaurant in Blue Hill, Maine, where they all debussed wearing matching like velvet tracksuits.

And I'm like, oh, it's a real thing.

This is a real camp.

Well, I talked about this on that podcast, and I received a letter from a person who asked not to be named.

And I will respect that.

And they say

they were a counselor at Robinhood Camp, and they spell some Robin Hood T.

Whoa.

We'll be getting to that letter later on in the show.

Nice.

That's what we,

what we call Ts, right?

That's right.

Monte Yero radio performance.

We try to do that in radio all the time to keep people listening.

Keep people listening, but of course, everyone wants to listen because we've got some justice to dispense.

Shall we get on with it?

Let's get on with the justice.

Here's something from Michael in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is the home of my former radio station, WRSI, whom I still love and I'll still be guest appearing on very frequently soon.

Still a great stash.

That's what I say.

It's a great stash.

Michael in Northampton Mass writes, some years ago, I wrapped a a birthday present.

My wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, asked why I used Christmas paper.

I said it wasn't.

It was neutral paper, suitable for any occasion.

She said it was obviously Christmas paper, not least because she bought it at Christmas time.

This dispute has gone on for years now.

Recently, a photo of the wrapped present emerged.

which I think will prove once and for all that I am correct.

So, Monty, obviously Michael did send in the photo.

I'm going to share it with you in a moment.

But as a matter of general comment, obviously there are certain wrapping papers that are holiday specific.

Right.

Wouldn't you agree?

Absolutely.

So for example, you know, you got your Christmas wrapping, you have your Hanukkah wrapping featuring motifs of those holidays, right?

Up in Massachusetts, you have Patriots Day wrapping.

Yes, we do.

It's all New England Patriots logos.

You have Boston Marathon Day wrapping?

Yes, Evacuation Day wrapping, which doubles his toilet paper.

I don't even know what Evacuation Day is.

Celebrated in Boston on St.

Patrick's Day, but I think basically as an excuse so that they can have St.

Patrick's Day off in Boston, but it's about the British evacuating the city of Boston.

So you're saying that the date of St.

Patrick's Day, which is March 17th, is also an official holiday?

In Boston and like a handful of surrounding communities, and most Boston schools get the day off.

Conveniently enough.

I love love my home metro community.

I'm from Brookline, Massachusetts.

Not from Boston.

Right.

I love my associated home city, but

they're dumb.

If they're going to have a holiday, a day off day, that should make it March 18th.

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean.

So everyone can rest quietly

and recover.

Evacuation day.

Interesting.

So, obviously, Monte Belmonte, do you observe

Christmas as a holiday?

I do.

It's big.

Christmas Eve, as an Italian-American, it's even bigger than Christmas Day, but yes.

Don't tell me you open your presents on Christmas Eve.

No.

But the food is what I like better than the presents.

What do you have?

What do you have?

What's an Italian-American Christmas Eve dinner going to be?

I didn't know that this was a thing until I was a grown-up, but the seven fishes is something that a lot of Italians celebrate, where they eat seven different types of fish on Christmas Eve.

But I always grew up with my grandmother making a tomato-based sauce, but instead of putting like meatballs and sausages in it, putting lobster in it.

So the lobster sauce

was always what we would have on Christmas Eve.

And so given that, you know, we've gone through this pandemic and we couldn't get together for many years, I have learned how to make the lobster sauce.

And it is my favorite food.

Why aren't you bottling this to sell, Monty?

I don't know how long it lasts.

Monty Belmonte's lobster sauce.

I don't know if I can make it shelf stable.

It'd have to be frozen.

I mean,

this is rivaling Joel Mann's gallon of scallops for the most specifically New England-y thing.

Lobster sauce.

I'm going to make that

for Christmas Eve this year, Monty.

I'll tell you how to do it.

I'm going to get a lot of lobster bodies and then a few live lobsters that you kill.

But like most fish markets have these leftover lobster bodies that they're not doing anything with because they're making lobster salad or whatever.

You get them cheap, you load it with lobster bodies and then get like two or three, depending on how many people, two or three live live lobsters that you kill and throw it in there.

Okay.

Save it for Christmas, Monty.

Save it for Christmas Eve.

We'll do a whole episode on it.

But in the meantime, you observe Christmas.

Do you observe your birthday?

I do.

How would you feel if one of your beloved family members,

your three children or your wife, all of whom are whole human beings in their own right, gave you birthday presents with pine cones and Santas on it?

I would not care in the least.

I would probably be upset that they wasted paper on something like wrapping as opposed to taking the New York Times and wrapping it in that or whatever, Montague Reporter and wrapping it in that.

I'm a big fan of not making waste when you can help it.

When you were growing up, did you ever get or give a birthday present wrapped in the funny papers?

Yes.

Yeah, that's a good look.

I like that.

I like that.

Bring that back.

All right.

Well, let me show you this picture that Michael sent in of

a birthday present, which his wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, but apparently doesn't have a name,

feels is inappropriate for

birthday, because it's Christmas-themed.

Do you see it there?

I dropped it in.

Scroll down.

I see it.

Right.

So,

Monty.

Yes.

What do you think?

Absolutely not Christmas wrapping paper.

Absolutely not.

There are two Christmas colors in there, and there are four or five other colors involved.

Yeah.

I mean, it's festive.

It's, it's, I, I would say that this is neutral paper that could easily pass for Christmas paper because it's got red and green.

Here's the thing.

If you're going to give a present around the holidays to somebody that doesn't celebrate Christmas, you want to be careful not to put baby Jesus's and Santa Claus's on that wrapping paper out of courtesy.

You could give a present to anybody of any tradition in that paper any time of year and no one will be offended.

This paper is completely neutral.

It is stripey and stripe ed.

You can see it at instagram.com/slash judgejohodgman on the show page at maximumthun.org.

And I think all will agree that, Michael, you have won this case insofar as this is not Christmas paper.

Sorry, Michael's wife, but I will say this to you, Michael.

Do a better job of rapping.

Yeah, I'm not very good at rapping either, but I can see the flaws in this particular rapping job.

I'm not going to dwell on this photo much more, nor do I want to make Michael feel particularly bad about himself.

It's a skill.

It's a skill.

Rapping is a skill, and I believe that it's a skill worth having

because I would be, you know,

this is a little crumpy.

That's all I'm going to say, Michael.

It's a little crumply.

It's the kind of thing where you look at it and you go, oh, he did his best.

As they say in dialectical behavioral therapy, we are all doing our best and we can do better.

I would suggest doing a little work on this.

Here's a dispute between Garrett and Maddie.

Garrett writes, I have a dispute with my wonderful girlfriend, Maddie, who is a whole person in her own right.

Wow.

We got to trademark this, Valerie Moffat.

Got to trademark this.

Okay, let's go ahead.

She has a family recipe for a taco soup.

But given the ratio ratio of ingredients to broth, I say it's not a soup, but instead a taco chili.

I believe I have some authority on this, as my online persona is Broth Boy.

That's spelled B-R-O-T-H-B-O-I.

All right.

Please see attached photo and video.

Who is

right?

Well, first of all, this goes back way, way back.

I had to go back and double check.

March 10th, 2010, first canonical appearance of Judge John Hodgman in any media.

I am a guest on Jordan Jesse Go.

Jesse has asked me,

would I like to do a segment on the show in a sort of judge persona?

And I said, yes, I will allow it.

And so I appeared, and the case was,

two friends were arguing over, is chili a soup?

And obviously, it is now the oldest of settled law that chili is a stew.

Obviously, it is not a soup.

Question now is: is this soup a chili?

So, first of all, I'm going to take a look at this photo that Garrett and Maddie sent in of all the assembled ingredients for this taco soup.

And what we have here is some store-brand beef broth, two cans of store-brand black beans, one can of store-brand whole kernel corn, a can of Hunt's diced tomato, a brand of

Cajun Spice Mix that I've heard of before, but prefer not to say the brand name of.

Right.

One, one can.

I'm a K-Fred Cajun Spice Mix person myself because I follow Brits cooking on Instagram.

So good, y'all.

Just Google those words and you'll know what I'm talking about.

One can of pinto beans, one container of taco seasoning.

Looks like a pound of lean ground beef, really lean ground beef, frankly,

93.7,

a packet of ranch seasoning just because,

and then three little tubs of mystery ingredients.

What do you think is in these tubs, if you had to take a guess?

One appears to be salsa.

Salsa, I would guess, is correct.

Yes.

And the other two might be some sort of hot sauce, but it looks like probably too much hot sauce for it looks like two little...

like two little containers of either ketchup that you would get at a to-go order from a diner yeah or maybe hoisin sauce from a Chinese restaurant.

Could be.

Anyway.

Yeah.

And I like all the ingredients in this thing,

but I'm going to say something.

Monty, you cook with beans?

Occasionally.

Full of beans.

I am full of beans.

I'm full of beans.

You're full of beans.

I've made a decision in my life.

No more canned beans.

The dry beans are better.

Yeah.

I'm going to put it out there.

I'm going to give this away for free.

Rancho Gordo Beans is not a sponsor of this podcast.

but boy, oh boy, do they make and package good beans that rarely need to be soaked before you make them because they're just so fresh.

Rancho Gordo beans, dried beans give you a much better flavor profile.

I have to say, Maggie and Garrett, but that's not what you're asking me.

You're asking me whether this thing is a super stew.

We have

a

still photograph of a bold verse, I can't say plated, but a bold version of this concoction, B-O-W-L-E-D, in a bowl, I mean to say.

And then we have a video.

Now, I'm going to warn listeners.

This video,

some people suffer mesophonia, which is an intolerance for the sound of people eating.

I don't know what the term is for it, intolerance for the sound of someone stirring a taco soup while breathing also.

This audio

might, I'm just saying this as a warning now because we're going to play it and we're not turning down the volume.

The audio of this video, the video can be seen in all the places that I discussed before.

The audio is very capable of causing some people displeasure, but also causing other people, I suspect, intense ASMR feelings.

This is a powerful sound that we're about to hear.

So Valerie Moffat, do you have the audio of this taco soup being stirred ready?

I do, John.

Are you ready for it?

Before we go, I just want to give everyone a warning so they can have a moment and fast forward or pause or whatever you need to do.

But Monty, based on the still photograph of all those ingredients that I described, plus cheese, plus sour cream in a bowl, would you call this a soup or a chili?

Chili.

Okay.

Valerie, please share the video.

And

everyone, here it comes.

I watch all television with subtitles on at this point because I feel like I can't really hear it all.

And sometimes, in certain scenes of certain shows, they will describe what's going on with the subtitles as wet squelching.

And I believe that that describes what you have made is neither a taco soup or a chili.

You have made wet squelching taco.

I have to say, it was worse than I remember it.

It's not your fault, Garrett or Maddie.

I'm sure it's delicious, but it's just the sound.

I isolate the sound alone.

You know, you have the drone of what sounds like an exhaust fan in the background, and then what you call the squelching of the soup itself.

Wet squelching.

Yeah.

And, you know, listen, I listen back to my podcast a little bit, and every time I hear my own breathing, I'm like, come on, get it together.

Be a broadcasting professional.

Don't be huffing in the microphone so much.

But, you know, Garrett's just living his life breathing, but the whole combination totally feels like something like, oh, this is a transition to the serial killer's basement.

And he's making himself something to eat.

He put some fava beans in there.

Yeah.

It sounds as though there should be in the background of this, the faint background, the sounds of screams from a pit.

But in any case.

I warned you all.

Maybe some of you got a good ASMR experience out of that.

You might have.

I mean, it's available for you over there on the show page at maximumfund.org as well as on our Instagram account.

Anyway,

has this changed your mind about

the soupness or the chilliness of this?

It certainly sounds like soup from that wet, squelching video.

Yeah.

But the

vision.

I mean, I guess it depends on how much of that liquid is going to end up into your bowl.

The picture of the bowl that we see definitely looks like regular old chili.

I was focusing on the sound, and I wasn't really looking

at the image at that moment.

So I'm really sorry to our listeners, but we got to go to the replay.

Valerie, play it again.

Help me get out of this basement.

Help!

Okay, that's enough.

I can't take it anymore.

It's a soup.

It's a soup.

You tried to pass it off in the still photo, which is a very chunky soup, I agree.

But you tried to pass it off in the still photo as a chili.

You almost got Monty there.

But when you look at the video, Monty, would you disagree?

First of all, it's very,

I don't like to say this.

I don't say this lightly.

It's very juicy.

Yeah.

It's beyond moist into the world of juicy.

It's very juicy.

And

also, so, I mean, just texture-wise, that's a soup.

And the other thing is, it's not even a stew, Garrot, you know?

But it's certainly not a, it's certainly not a, it's not thick enough to be a stew, but it's certainly not a chili because

unless it's contained in one of those mystery containers, there's no chili powder or chilies in it.

But it looks like a pretty good soup, and I'm glad that you enjoy it.

Try it with some delicious, non-canned, Rancho Gordo beans.

Really does.

Just bake the beans.

It's so easy to make.

I've been making, I've been so full of beans these days.

Monty, I've just been making beans like bananas.

I have more bananas than beans.

Well, let's go to a break.

Throw to it, Monty.

We're going to throw up to a break after listening to that wet squelching.

Take a quick break here to hear from this week's partners, and we'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course.

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Quince.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm guest bailiff early summertime, fun time, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte.

And this week, we're clearing the docket.

The Spring Fling is doing his thing.

Woo!

And I'm Judge John Hodgman.

And this case comes from whom?

A case from Eric in Cicero, Illinois.

I was playing the game Blank Slate with my brother Mike and some others.

Blank Slate is a game where everyone gets the same prompt word like blank, potato, or hot, blank.

Each player then fills in the blank blindly, hoping it will match with one or more of the other players' guesses.

In this case, the prompt was.

All right, so I didn't give you the prompt because I want to play this with you.

Okay.

Yes.

Have you ever heard of this game, Blank Slate?

I've never heard of it before.

Yeah, I played it with my family last week.

We love this game.

Whoa, all right.

Good game.

All right.

So Eric did give me the prompt.

That's the subject of the dispute, in fact.

Okay.

But before I give you, before I reveal, well, I will reveal the prompt to you and then reveal the rest of the case, but I want to give you the prompt.

And you too, Valerie Moffat, if you want to play along.

Yeah, I'll jump in.

The prompt is

soft blank.

Soft

blank.

And the aim is, I suppose, to come up with something that's so

common that it will match with the others.

You want to match with at least one other person, but not with everybody.

You get points if you have like a good rapport with somebody that you play with and you give them like a knowing glance and then they know you're going to write down the same word, you're going to get more points than if everybody writes down the same word, okay, or if no one writes your word.

I was just going to say, go with the first thing that comes to mind or the thing you find most interesting because we're not playing for points here, we're playing for fun.

Okay.

All right.

Who would you like to go first?

I have mine.

I have mine.

Okay, Monty, what's yours?

Soft

opening.

Soft open.

Like when a restaurant is not having its grand opening.

Sure, right.

Soft opening, it does sound a little bit naughty, and that is also why I like it.

I mean, I do have to say the prompt is

gross, but okay.

Valerie, what did you come up with?

Soft blank, soft?

The first thing that came to mind for me was Soft Cell, the duo that recorded Tainted Love.

You and me, Valerie.

That was it.

Nice.

Show me sell for me.

Totally tainted love.

Well, that's a fun game.

Our podcast today is not sponsored by Blank Slate.

Absolutely.

Do not buy that game and eat it with some fresh, uncanned Rancho Gordo beans.

All right.

I'm going to drop in the rest of the case so you can read it to me, Monty, and then we can hear the dispute.

All right.

In this case, the prompt was soft blank.

I wrote down soft butt.

Someone else wrote soft booty.

And another person wrote soft ass.

Am I allowed to say that on the Judge John Hodgman podcast?

We'll bleep it out.

Okay.

Did it ever cross any either of your minds

to say soft butt?

No.

No.

And I'm always in that mind space.

The other one was Soft Bulletin, I almost did, which was a Flaming Lips album, but that felt way too obscure.

Yeah, no, it's Soft Cell is what you want to do if a a musical related one.

Yeah, right.

Soft, okay.

Hey, this is this is how it goes down in Cicero, Illinois.

They're always thinking about soft butts, I guess.

All right, so what did Brother Mike say?

My brother Mike said those don't count for matches because they're not the same word.

Later, though, the prompt blank bone came up.

My brother wrote bad to the bone.

And another player wrote bad number to the bone.

Mike counted those as a a match and awarded himself and the others points.

I say he's a hypocrite.

Who is right?

Monty, do you have an opinion?

I have an opinion.

Is soft butt count as soft?

Does soft butt match with soft booty and soft ass?

No.

Yes or no?

No.

I think Eric is wrong and his brother Mike is correct.

That is simply the prince spelling of bad number two, the bone, and bad two, they mean the exact same thing.

If you were to read them out loud, they would be the same thing.

Soft butt and soft booty and soft bleeped out

don't sound the same out of your mouth and I think are different things, even though the same in concept.

They are the same concept, though.

But that's not the point.

You want to get the same word.

Interesting.

If I said the taco blank and it was taco chili or taco soup, they're different things.

But booty and butt are the same.

It has nothing to do with consistency or use of chili peppers.

They're both soft in this case, too.

Valerie Moffat, what do you think?

They're different words because you could say soft butt or soft booty, for example, in front of your grandmother, but you maybe wouldn't say soft in front of your grandmother.

They're different words.

That's a good point.

And

I think that you're right.

I'd like to prove the hypothesis.

I know that some children listen to this podcast.

Children, if you were 16 or younger, try going and you have a living grandparent.

Try going up to that grandparent and say soft booty and then say soft ass.

See what happens.

See which one you get in trouble for and please record it.

Yeah, please.

Well, okay.

Yeah.

Well, first of all,

I've got something I've got to say.

Based on my consulting with the rules and the one YouTube video I watched about how to play this game,

I don't think bad to the is allowed.

Huh.

That could be true.

I think it has to be one word or part of a word.

I don't think you can do three words or two words in a number.

So I'll give you this, Eric.

Your brother Mike

blew it with that one.

He blew blank it with it being the blank part.

Shouldn't have gotten points for that.

The whole game is forfeit.

But as far as whether enough soft butt, soft booty, and soft should count as a match.

John Hodgman rules blank.

What's your guess, Monty?

No.

Valerie?

No.

We all get points.

No, it is.

This is a game of phrases, not concepts.

It's going to be the same word.

Here's something from L

in El Cerrito, California.

Where should I say I'm from?

I lived on Long Island till I was 18.

Then I moved to Queens, then Manhattan for a year, then to Brooklyn for 20 years.

After that, I landed in California and have lived here for 10 years.

By now, I've spent more time living not on Long Island than living on Long Island.

Do I still have to say I'm from there?

So

this one

is something that, first of all, is not technically Judge John Hodgman format.

It's more of a philosophical question than it is a dispute with another person.

And it's also one that we've heard before and seems to come up a lot in my inbox, people trying to figure out where it is, whether it is okay

for them to say that they are, say, from Maine if they have lived there for 80 years.

The answer is, unless you were born there, no.

But there's a lot of anxiety about saying where they're from.

And I can understand why someone might, for whatever reason, might not want to say, I am from Long Island.

There are associations with places.

Monty,

you live now in western Massachusetts, but that, I do not believe, is the home of Belmonte's famous lobster sauce.

No, it is not.

That would be Roslindale, Massachusetts, but I was never...

Roslindale.

I never lived there, although I spent a great deal of time.

It's in a neighborhood of Boston.

And I was born in Boston, but I grew up in Norton,

Massachusetts.

And where would you say you're from?

I usually tell people from Massachusetts that I am from Norton originally, but that I now live in Turner's Falls.

But if you were only able to say, I am from

blank,

blank slate style.

It depends on the context, but I would probably say Norton.

If you're within Massachusetts, let's say.

Because I think, you know, you get some leeway if you're in,

you know, what's something other than Massachusetts?

Maine.

If you say, I'm from Massachusetts and Maine,

then you're telling the truth and they'll hate you.

Yeah.

Valerie Moffat, where are you you from?

I am from Tempe, Arizona.

And do you say Tempe or Tempe?

It's Tempe.

You can tell an out-of-towner

because they'll say Tempe.

Yeah.

I got hit with that when I did a thing in Temp Tempe some time ago.

I got tagged as an outsider.

Yeah, when people, when I'm away from there and people say, where are you from?

I'll say, I'm from Phoenix.

And then if they say, if they, you know, cock an eyebrow or, you know, have any familiarity with the area, I'll say, well, I'm from Tempe.

Right.

But no, I'm from, I am from Tempe, Arizona.

I, I don't live there anymore.

I, I live in Los Angeles now, and I probably will for a great deal of time, but I will always be from Tempe, Arizona.

And is it a place that you have wholly positive feelings towards or mixed?

I, I would, I would say mixed.

It's a great place to be from.

That's important.

That's that's I mean, that's uh that's an Arizona thing generally is it's a great place to be from and not in for me.

Yeah.

Um no, I

like being from I like being from Tempe.

It's a funky city.

It's unique.

There's nowhere else like it.

Um I will, you know, like a like an older sister, I will, you know, bully it.

uh but as soon as anyone raises a a a crossword against it i'm i'm the i'm the first one in line to say, hey, you can't say that.

I'm not going to say anything against Tempe.

I had a wonderful time there when I had an event a long time ago, and the Changing Hands bookstore is really good there.

I really like those people.

They're really changing hands.

They're fantastic.

Yeah, I mean, I am from Brookline.

I am not from Boston, as I alluded to earlier.

I think that it is the wrong connotation to say that I am from Boston.

Similarly, even though it is surrounded on three sides by Boston,

or at least one side.

Anyway, Brookline has no sides.

Its border with Boston is a river, indeed, the muddy river.

That's why it's called Brookline.

And that's why my high school yearbook was called the Merivian, the Muddy River Annual.

Obviously, I have a lot of fondness for Brookline.

I love going back to Brookline.

I love going to see my dad.

I love going to a Coolidge Corner movie theater and seeing Fabrizio Frizzi play live music to Italian zombie films from the 70s.

Nice.

I love that they have Mecha Noodle Bar across the street, Harvard Street now, which is my favorite noodle bar in New Haven.

And there's one in Brookline.

I love it.

I love it.

Would I ever move back there?

No.

I've lived most of my life now in New York.

I could never say that I'm from New York.

It's hard too, because, you know,

there are certain places where

there is sort of culturally

a pride associated with saying, like, hey, I'm from New York and I'm walking here.

That's my New York accent.

Nice.

Yeah, thank you.

And then there are people who are like, don't want to say that they're from Long Island or from New Jersey.

And I'm not saying that they should feel that embarrassment, but culturally, there are some places that are sadly a little bit of either regional or national punchlines that make people want to say, oh, I'm not from that place where I came from.

And also, there are some people who just don't want to be from where they're from because it's just they don't have fond feelings about it at all.

At all.

Now, look, I don't know what's going on with you emotionally, Elle, but I understand your confusion.

Let's do the math.

Let's see.

You lived on Long Island until you were 18.

Then you were in Queens and Manhattan for

at least one year in Manhattan alone, then 20 years in Brooklyn, 10 years in California.

That means nine, so 30,

40, let's you're, you're, you're marking yourself in the range of 49 years old.

And you say that you've lived somewhere other than Long Island for more than you ever lived on Long Island because you lived in California for 10 years and Brooklyn for 20.

And I've got to tell you something, Elle.

This is a hard thing that I have to say.

You're wrong.

Brooklyn is part of Long Island.

Blew my mind when I realized it too.

It's the largest city in Long Island, in fact.

You have lived in Long Island longer than any other place in your life.

You spent your formative teen years in Long Island.

You are from Long Island, unless you're not.

And what do I mean by that?

So this comes up so often because sometimes people want to be from someplace else.

And there are technicalities.

And like Monty can go through a whole decision tree about like, well, if I'm here, then I will say I am from here.

But if I am in Roslyndale or or if I am in, you know, I'm from, I was born in Boston, but I'm, I, you know, it's like, there's a lot of, and now, of course, Monty, your world is Western Massachusetts.

You are, you're King Radio of Western Mass.

I, I would say, King Radio.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

There's a Western Mass band called King Radio, and they are, they're excellent.

Well, now you have to sue them to protect your trademarks.

Here's the thing.

In life, you know, like, and, you know, when you feel conflicted, as you do, Al, for whatever reason,

that's when people tend to write to me for some reason and say, where can I say that I'm from?

Or you get into a dispute with someone else.

And the answer is always, well, what is true?

Because you know when you yourself are lying about something that's personal, right?

And there might be a lot of reasons that you want it to be true or people are telling you it should be true about yourself, something about your identity or whatever, but you know when you're saying it and it's just wrong.

It's just, I'm not this person or I'm not that person.

I am who I am.

I know, I can't say I'm from Boston, even though it's perfectly reasonable geographically for me to say so.

I can't say it because I know I'm lying.

I can't say I'm from New York.

I can't say I'm from Maine.

I have to say what is true for me, that so much of my personhood is tied up with the experiences that I had in Brookline, and they were for the most part positive.

But if you you are saying where you're from and you just hate saying it because your experiences were not that, or you just know that where you became a person, where you truly grew up, say, was when you left that place and found a better place for yourself, go for it.

You're from wherever you know that you're from, and no one can tell you otherwise.

For most people, I think, or, you know, let's say a majority of people,

don't get cute with it.

Like, you know, you know where you're from, you know, your hometown.

But if that hometown is not part of your life anymore for reasons that you don't want to talk about, whatever, or you became a human in a different place, you know your truth.

Say what that truth is.

Don't let anyone give you any soft ass about it.

Let's go to a break.

When we come back, literally the sickest burn from the dictionary plus dad blog of the year.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened, and you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from clearing the docket.

Let's talk about what we have upcoming.

Monty, you have a whole new radio program, King Radio, of Western Massachusetts, Monty Belmonty.

What is the program and what is it all about?

It's called the Fabulous 413, which is the area code of the four counties of Western Mass, Hampshire, Franklin, Berkshire, and Hamden.

And it's from New England Public Media, the public radio station in Springfield, Massachusetts.

And I've been telling everybody it's like Mr.

Rogers' neighborhood for grown-ups on the radio, where

I'm trying to introduce you to all the neighbors that we can introduce you to in the time that we have from all the different places and things going on here.

It's musicians.

You know, I remember as a kid watching Mr.

Rogers talk with Yo-Yo Ma and then go to the factory where crayons get made.

And so, you know, we've

called them cranes.

Cranes.

He did call them.

And it is so soothing to watch that, except for the fact that I'm distracted by how he says that.

That's all right.

It's just how you say it in Pittsburgh, I guess.

But we're not talking about Pittsburgh.

We're talking about Western Massachusetts.

And you have a wonderful co-host.

Khaleese Smith, who also worked with me previously at 939 the River, and she's in a bunch of different bands, and she's one of the smartest people I know and a total Uber nerd.

And we love getting to talk to all these fun and interesting people from all walks of life in these four counties.

So where can people listen to the fabulous 413 starring Monty Belmonte and Khalees Smith?

You can listen online at napm.org between 3 and 4 p.m.

Eastern Time Live, or if you happen to have a radio that can pick up things in Western Mass on 88.5 on the FM dial.

And you can find the podcast every day, wherever podcasts are available.

N-E-P-M.

That's Nancy Edward Patrician Magician.

New England, or probably more clearly, New Englandpublicmedia.org.

Or I'm an org now.

And I got to announce this new gig at a show that we did at the Shea Theater, which was really fun.

That was the first time I got to tell anybody that I was doing this.

And you were there if it was our holiday spectacular, John Hodgman, at the Shea.

Well, I know, but we can't plug things that happened in the past.

Time moves in one direction.

Not for you.

Not for me.

But definitely check out the, what's the Shea Theater

URL?

Shea Theater.org.

Two.orgs.

S-H-E-A

Theater.

Is it theater with an E-R or an R-E?

It's spelled unpretentiously with an E-R.

Right.

And Shea is spelled S-H-E-A.

Sierra, hotel, echo, alpha.

Is that correct?

Yes, I got it right.

Theater.

Like the butter.

Tango, hotel, echo, alpha, tango,

echo,

radio.

It's actually Romeo in the phonetic alphabet of NATO, but that's how I'm going to do it.

Dot.

Omega, Romeo,

G.

Nat.

No, it's not Nat.

Golf is what it is.

Golf.

One of these days I'll memorize it.

Shaytheater.org, M-E-P-M.org.

Let's get back to the docket.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm early summertime, fun time, guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte.

Hi, Monty.

It's nice to have you here.

I'm glad to be here.

It makes me feel like we're getting into summertime

very soon.

I'm ready for it, too.

I'm ready for it

shall we launch into the next docket clearing case hang on a second i'm just going to have a sip of this delicious non-sponsor of the show fresca hey everyone i'm john hodge i'm about to take a sip of fresca do you have me sophonia you may want to turn it down

ah fresca only comes to my neighborhood corner store once a year sometimes usually late spring i don't know why it's a mystery but when i see it holy bananas does it feel like the tulips are are popping up out of the ground in early spring?

Fresca, it's not a sponsor of this show, so do not drink it while playing blank slate and eating fresh, uncanned Rancho Gordo beans.

Okay, I'm done.

I'm sorry to have to do that, everybody, but you know, we do have to not pay the bills on the show.

Like, you know, we have to do what it takes to keep the lights off.

Okay, go ahead.

Here's something from Troy in St.

Louis, Missouri.

I bring a case against Merriam-Webster Dictionary right down the street from where I am right now in Springfield, Massachusetts.

I recently found out that they have added a definition to the word literally, making the word mean both happened in reality and did not happen in reality.

I feel betrayed.

I know meanings change over time, but to include two opposite definitions is nonsensical.

I'm Team OED on this matter, Oxford English Dictionary.

But since the OED is behind a paywall, this leaves many people with Merriam-Webster's confounding new definition.

Please censure them and offer a better resource.

Wow.

Shots fired, as they say.

You come in for the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

That's our house dictionary here at the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We have a long-standing relationship with this dictionary and indeed with Emily Brewster, who is a lexicographer

out there in Springfield, Massachusetts, in Western Massachusetts.

She's been on the show many a time.

She discovered a word, the word A.

Look it up in the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

Look, even though the Merriam-Webster dictionary said that a hot dog is a sandwich, you're still, you got to know, Troy, that you're bringing hot tubular non-sandwich beef with me at the very core of our program.

I don't care for it.

I understand the dispute, though, because it's been, it's often a peccadillo, even of old, of old Judge John Hodgman in the past, of when people would use literally, meaning

literally, to instead mean figuratively or virtually or or hyperbolically.

In other words, he was literally sitting on top of the world.

Probably he wasn't.

I suppose it's possible if you were sitting

in the North Pole, yeah, but I mean, it's a sphere, it's all the top.

I mean, we're all sitting at the top of the world.

There we go.

Think about it.

Literally.

Yeah.

Literally.

We are literally sitting on the top of the world.

But you understand what I mean.

Like, people, that's been a grammar nitpick for a long, long time.

And I've been part of it, Troy.

I'm with you.

I've felt that way for a long time.

I used to really, really

dig in on this until I began to realize don't.

It's a waste of time.

Everyone knows what we're saying.

If it's relatively clear, it doesn't matter.

And language, you know, I take a descriptivist approach to language, as does the God or whatever damn dictionary.

As you point out, Merriam-Webster at some point has updated its definition to include...

in effect or virtually used in an exaggerated way to emphasize a statement or description that is not literally true or possible.

And Emily wrote the entry for this and

appended an explanation, pointing out that the sense too, virtually, is not only common, it's not at all new.

In fact,

the in effect or virtually meaning of literally has been in

regular use since the 18th century.

and is found in the writings of Mark Twain, Charlotte Bronte, James Joyce, and many others.

In effect or virtually used in an exaggerated way to emphasize a statement or description that is not literally true or possible.

Neither this nor any of the other meanings of literally is what we would consider slang or misuse.

It's been standard use by many esteemed writers since the 18th century.

Kaboom.

This is not a new thing, is the point, Troy.

Literally, the sickest burn of all time.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

This was not literally, not even figuratively, the sickest burn of all time.

The sickest burn comes from, oh yeah, the Oxford English Dictionary.

Oh.

Because Troy, I know from your letter that you have access to the OED.

I do know that it's behind a paywall.

I happen to have paid the paywall.

And I'm looking at the dictionary definition of literally right now.

And it literally

has your face with egg on it in a picture.

Meaning one A in a literal, exact, or actual sense.

One B used to indicate the following word of phrase must be taken in its literal sense.

One

colloquial, used to indicate that some metaphorical or hyperbolical expression is to be taken in the strongest admissible sense, virtually, or as good as, or completely, utterly, absolutely.

And then, meaning too, is with reference to a version of something as a transcription, translation, boring.

That's not the point.

I draw your attention to 1C.

Troy, it gives me no pleasure to say that you are literally wrong.

But I encourage you to understand and be more open-minded in the future.

Not even the OED has your back in this case.

And it doesn't mean that you're losing a battle.

It means that you're fighting a battle that doesn't need to be fought.

It will always be the case that people from now on are going to say,

begs the question, when they want to say, poses the question.

That old parliamentary rhetorical term of begging the question, meaning, I don't know what, answering the question with another question, something that's very specific.

It's just over.

It's over.

Language moves on and leaves us behind.

And the fact of the matter is that fighting on the side of grammar prescriptiveness as opposed to descriptiveness has a long, long history, as we've talked about on the podcast before, of othering people who don't speak the same way as you do and making yourself feel more elite and the others feel dumb.

For whatever reason, you need to do that.

And it's not a good look, Troy.

Not a good look.

But that said, there is no literal picture of you with egg on your face.

There is a literal picture of me shaking your hand saying, you you are my friend.

Thank you for bringing it up.

I'm glad we could literally put this to bed.

Good night.

Irregardless of what you think of that decision.

Whoa.

More shots fired.

It's time for that.

I mean, look, it's not even a case of like, regardless and irregardless, literally.

figure meaning figuratively literally mean literally like words that mean the opposite are not even particularly new like like cleave means to cling to and to separate i don't know we talk funny.

That's the way it goes.

Emily Brewster is a regular guest on my new show as well, and I've learned so much about what that dictionary does.

And they call balls and strikes.

It is not, they're not telling you what to think.

They're just saying this is how these words are used.

And in this case, it's been used this way for hundreds of years.

And to what you were saying before about othering, Corey Stamper, former Merriam-Webster editor, taught me a little poem when it came to all the controversy surrounding pronouns.

Roses are red, violets are blue, singular they is older than singular you.

And I use that many, many, many times.

Okay.

Shout out to Corey Stamper.

Yeah.

Shout out to Emily Brewster.

We will have her back on the program soon.

More about that later.

But let's go on to another case.

Here's a case from Norman in Clayton, Missouri.

Two letters from the show-me state.

Yeah, that's right.

When my wife and I go out to dinner and I don't finish, I take a doggy bag home unless the food is terrible.

No objection from my wife.

But what about a charity event or a wedding?

I'm not talking about a buffet, but a sit-down dinner.

My wife says it's rude to take home leftovers from such an event, but I don't like to waste food.

Who is right?

No need to withhold my name.

Norman Pressman.

That's Norman Pressman.

Please also check out my new blog.

I'm a recently retired lawyer.

Oh,

maybe

having a case before before you, Judge John Hodgman, there, as a lawyer.

Yeah, yes.

I could not resist looking into the background of Norman Pressman.

And indeed, attention must be paid.

Norman Pressman graduated from Washington University in St.

Louis.

I'm getting this from his blog, by the way.

NormanPressman.com.

Graduated from Washington University in St.

Louis with an A.B.

in 1970 and a J.D.

in 1974.

In addition to working out and biking and previously being a back-of-the-pack triathlete, I, Norman Pressman, enjoy writing politics and being a polite pain in the ass to hypocritical public figures.

My future blog items will include tales from my legal career and the people I've run across, plus comments on current happenings and religion.

Okay, I got a little concerned.

And I have done some digging deep.

And Norman has views that I absolutely agree with.

And he is an older gentleman who is truly grappling with stuff going on in the world in the most open-minded way possible.

But even if you didn't, even if you just went to the about page, let me tell you what some significant events in Norman Pressman's life.

This is under the heading significant events.

Edited Washington University student newspaper.

Arrested in Chicago 1969 during Weatherman riot while taking pictures for the newspaper.

Harassed by Secret Service after writing a letter to President Nixon after Cambodian bombing.

Later, my Secret Service file was autographed by President Bill Clinton.

Published newspaper with friend Fred Faust during 1978 strike and signed paycheck to Joseph Pulitzer IV, a reporter for the paper.

Notice I pronounced Pulitzer correctly.

That's how David Lindsay Abert told me I should be pronouncing it.

Put final nails.

These are all linked to stories as well.

Put final nail in coffin of right-wing newspaper St.

Louis Globe Democrat, which hypocritically tied to use public funds for a bailout.

Ran for alderman in smallest Missouri City with a plan to abolish the city okay

tearing it down

ran local poker game for almost 50 years attended poker camp and finally arrested for punching neo-nazi demonstrator in what looks like the 60s

i'm starting a new category

This is a new, this is, I don't want, I don't want your nominations, everybody.

If you've got a retired lawyer in your family, if you got a dad

or a mom or an uncle or an aunt, someone who has lived a life and is now devoting their time to a new blog

or other online pursuit, I'm going to call it the Weird Dad Blog of the Year award, but it doesn't necessarily have to be someone who's weird.

It could be someone who's simply hilarious or courageous or funny or odd or whatever.

And it doesn't have to be a dad per se, but but you know, in the spirit of weird dadness, which is part of what we celebrate here on the Judge John Hodgen podcast, I'll say the new, the weird dad blog of the year award.

Right now, placeholder Norman Pressman's got it.

Can you beat it?

Can you beat it?

Send in your YouTube channels, your blogs, your feeds, your whatever of your weird dads, moms, aunts, uncles.

first cousins, but it's got to be, it's got to be, you know, someone who's, you know, older and has had a whole life and is now digging into something else.

Speaking of digging in, when Norman Pressman likes to go to a wedding, he likes to dig into that food until he stops, and then he puts it into a bag and takes it home.

Is that a yes or a no for you, Monty?

Well, I'm of two minds of this one because I do think that we waste an awful lot of food in this country and I hate seeing food go to waste and I like to do what I can to support food justice when I can.

I think it's probably best to wait to have been offered to take home some leftovers from an event like a wedding.

If they say, please, there's so much food, please take some home with you, then please, yes, take as much food as you're going to use home with you.

If you're trying to steal that lobster that you didn't eat, that probably somebody who is working that event would love to have,

you should leave it for them.

And they may take that home themselves or to some of their own family members.

That's what I would say.

Well, first of all, there might already be

a plan in place for food that goes uneaten that can be hygienically donated to people in need or the wait staff themselves, the catering staff, for example.

You know, I've worked in a number of restaurants.

I was never a server, but I worked, I did counter service and I washed dishes at a restaurant in Boston and stuff.

And I'll cop to eating some food off of leftover food off a plate.

And I'll cop to getting a terrible flu as a result.

I would be real careful if I were you about eating someone's leftover lobster sauce.

I agree with you, Norman, that the food waste is terrible, and I try not to waste any food if possible.

And I applaud your motive.

I have questions about your method, unless you're showing up with a Yeti cooler or something, by the way, not a sponsor of this podcast, but could be if they wanted.

How are you getting that leftover lobster sauce out of the...

out of the function hall?

You putting it in a pocket?

What are you carrying Ziploc baggies, not a sponsor of the podcast?

In your suit jacket?

I don't know how you're doing it.

I'll say this.

It probably

is not

unrude to be scraping your plate into a receptacle to take home.

But it's all in context, like language itself.

You know, you know when literally means literally and you know when literally means figuratively.

And there are definitely contexts in which, you know,

it doesn't matter if you take that

leftover chicken breast home from that, that, you know, that younger cousin's wedding or, you know, your nephew's wedding or whatever it is.

One of the contexts in which I think is not

really acceptable is if you're a younger adult at a

event.

I don't know why.

It just seems cheesy to me.

If you're a younger adult, say ages, you know, 20, if you're

25 to 40, let's say, it's like, what do you, why are you taking that food?

What's that's weird?

But if you're a retired lawyer with a blog,

take it.

I don't care.

Sorry, Norman's wife.

This is exactly the time of your life when you should be cultivating eccentricity and setting an example and having and

talking about food waste and yes, going to weddings with your suit pockets lined with plastic so you can take stuff home.

Everyone will forgive you.

And if anyone gives you any guff, you just tell them, I punched a Nazi.

I punched a neo-Nazi in the head.

Gonna tell me not to take my lobster sauce home in a baggie?

Forget it.

For you, Norman, I'll allow it.

But unless you're a retired lawyer with a blog or equivalent, and you know, you know it if you are, you will know your truth if you are.

Such noble eccentricity perhaps is a little unwelcome at a charity event or a wedding.

Hey, I'm going to read that Robin Hood letter after the credits.

This is like a post-credits scene.

Ooh.

Yeah.

So stick around for the credits.

I'll read that Robin Hood letter.

You know,

I realize I failed to say it when I introduced this letter at the top of the show, and I almost failed to say it now.

The fact that this rich camp is named Robin Hood, most ironically, named camp in the United States.

Absolutely.

Aside from the camp in Maine called Winter Home.

It's the opposite.

It's the opposite of what you expected.

Hey, is the docket clear, Bonty?

The docket is clear, Judge John Hodgman.

That's That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Judge John Hodgman was created by Jesse Thorne and John Hodgman.

Our producer is Valerie Moffat.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Follow us there for evidence and other photos from the show, and check out the Maximum Fun subreddit to discuss this episode and name future cases at maximumfun.reddit.com.

You can listen to me Monday through Friday, live from 3 to 4 p.m.

Eastern Time on New England Public Media, any p.m.

org, and the new show that just debuted earlier this year called The Fabulous 413, looking at all things Western mass with my co-host, Khaleese Smith.

By the way, we were talking about Emily Brewster.

Let's do another language episode.

If you've got a dispute over word origin, word usage, phrase usage, phraseology, is softbutt a thing?

Emily Brewster will know.

Send in your language disputes to me at maximumfund.org slash jjho.

There's a handy form you can use to send in your disputes there.

Also, we're still looking for your condiment disputes.

We're doing an all condiments episode.

Any dispute story,

frustration, beef that you have to air with regard to ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard?

What's your favorite condiment?

You like relish on a hot dog?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Do you like mayonnaise on a hot dog?

Not usually, but I do it.

I hate ketchup.

Yeah, no,

that's not very, that's indisputable.

My mom always liked to have mayonnaise and fried onions on a hot dog.

That sounds sounds good.

Anyway, make sure to send that in at maximumfun.org/slash JJHO.

And also, you know, thinking of the summer, Monty, what are your summer plans?

Do you have disputes about where to go?

Like, are you doing any traveling locally or beyond locally?

Maybe is this the year you're finally going to go to that amusement park?

Or maybe you're in a dispute with your partner about how you're going to spend your summer.

Do you have any disputes with the owner of that motel you stayed at that time?

Do you live in a van?

Are you a hashtag van life person?

Do you really have beef with the people who live in school buses?

I want to know about it.

That's a real thing.

They seem to not like each other.

The schoolies and the van life people have a beef.

If you can eliminate that for me, let me know.

Grammar, condiments, summer plans, all of your disputes, maximumfun.org slash jjho.

And of course, we're eager to hear all about your disputes on any subject.

No case is too small.

So please submit your cases at maximumfun.org/slash

H O.

We will talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Surprise, it's after the credits.

Monty, you're still here with me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to read this letter to you that I received from an anonymous former

counselor at Robin Hood Camp, most ironically named camp.

Dear Judge John Hodgman,

I was a counselor at Robin Hood Camp.

It was one of the strangest experiences of my life.

It was definitely a camp for rich kids.

Imagine if yachting and field trips from Maine to Fenway Park were regular camp activities, plus horses, water skiing, windsurfing, fencing, etc.

It was mega expensive, too.

But for many of the campers, ages five to sixteen, it was home.

Many went to boarding school all year long, including five year olds, and then Robin Hood camp all summer, spending a week with their parents each year.

One sixteen 16-year-old cried buckets at the end of the summer because he wouldn't be able to come back the next year as a camper.

Here's one thing that sticks with me.

We had a group of kids from a South American country, and the rumor was their parents were drug lords.

True or not, we were straight up instructed that these kids were not expected to follow camp rules.

We were supposed to let them do whatever they wanted around camp.

At one point, the water skiing instructor accidentally drove a younger one of these kids into the dock by accident.

And the kids' two front teeth got stuck in the wood and came out.

And the counselor was crying and sweating and really acted like he was afraid for his life.

The counselors were almost all one of two categories.

First, former campers who aged out but just couldn't give up going to Robinhood camp.

And they generally drank in the woods on their day off.

They were not paid for their first or second years at all.

They worked for free.

Then there are the European college grads who were paid a couple hundred dollars but basically worked in a kind of indentured servitude for three months in exchange for a year-long work visa on their days off, they drank at bars in town.

I fit in neither group and was horrendously lonely as a result.

After paying for my own camp uniforms and for weekly long-distance calls to my significant other, I made about $500 for the whole summer.

I did have a lot of freedom and responsibility and learned a lot about myself, but at one point a different counselor broke their leg and was sent home.

I was the one who gave them a ride to the Bangor airport.

And after that, I would walk around in the dark without my flashlight on, hoping to fall in a ditch so I could be sent home too.

I have since learned to say, I quit.

There you go.

Learn to say you quit, people.

Wow.

Yeah.

Write a book.

Write a book, anonymous person.

I want to hear more.

I want to hear more from more exploits.

And if, and hey, if you went to Robinhood Camp and you enjoyed it, let me know too.

I had nothing against this thing.

It's just wild, wild stuff.

All right, Monty.

It was great spending time with you as always.

My pleasure, Judge John Hodgman.

MaximumFun.org.

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