The J Squad and Lil Monte

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, as always, is the secondary man of Maine, Judge John Hodgman.

The second gentleman of Maine, John Hodgman.

I am here.

Of course, I'm not the main man of Maine.

That is Joel Mann, who is across the glass for me here in the solar-powered studios of WERU.

89.9 on your frequency modulation dial,

also known as as the Mole Man, Joel.

Hello, Judge.

Hello.

This is the penultimate time I shall be here this season, I'm sad to say.

One more time next week with you across the glass.

It's been such a pleasure spending time with you here.

It's been a lot of fun.

Yeah,

put some sand down in the driveway, though.

I was doing donuts non-on-purpose.

I see up here in Maine.

We're also joined today by a very, very good friend at a completely different radio station, WRSI FM, The River, 93.9 in Northampton, Massachusetts.

That's correct.

Your summertime fun time and now wintertime sin time

guest bailiff.

Wow.

Monty Belmonte?

Hello, Judge.

Monty Belmonte, by the way,

an appropriate appellation because he is wearing a sweater with leopards on it.

An Intarsia sweater with leopards.

in built into the knit.

I think that's a sin time sweater.

It's always sin time when this sweater comes on.

Purchased, if I may buzz market, at one of your favorite

Brattleboro, Vermont thrift shops, Boomerang.

Boomerang is one of my very favorite.

I'll venture to say it's one of my favorite thrift shops in the world.

Boomerang in Brattleboro, Vermont.

So you're picking up Cougar Arm sweaters in Brattleboro.

What's the market report down there in Northampton?

What do they got on sale at the supermarket?

What's good these days?

Route 9 and Hadley, Trans World Market.

You can get spicy chili crisp, which, if you haven't had that, is something I'm addicted to.

Hipsters love it.

You buy it by the case, but they had lychee nuts at the counter, and I wanted to try lychee nuts to add to my level of wine snobbery.

You're talking about impulse buy lychee nuts at the counter?

I bought two lyche nuts and then took them home and sniffed them and ate them and thought about how much they smell and taste like wines from the Alto Adige region and or, you know, Gewürztramine or that kind of thing.

Now, you know,

Monte Belmonte is a true Eno file, talks about

I love Brian Eno.

That's right.

Rock and Roll Hall of Famer, I learned the other day.

Did you know that?

Rock and Roll

Hall of Famer.

The guy who wrote

mood music for airports is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

So deserving to be there.

Joel, is Joe Bird and the field tippies in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Unfortunately not.

Yeah, there is no justice in this world.

Oh, Brian Eno is a genius, of course.

Monty is of the morning DJ at WRSI The River.

You can listen to him there every morning.

If you didn't know that already, you're online, of course, at what is the URL?

Is it WRSI.something?

Calm.

Calm.

Shamelessly commercial radio station.

And he chats with local folk and experts and farmers and foodies and entertainers, as well as wine snobs, which you've become something of yourself.

And you can listen as well to his podcast called A Week of Mornings.

And that is a collection of your interviews throughout the week.

Is that correct, Monty?

That is correct.

And some of the more fun phone calls that come in when I'm live on the air.

I'm feeling a little jealous, John, because the two of you and Joel all have your own radio stations.

That's right.

I just want to say that Jennifer Marmur and I are representing the heavyweight 88 KZSC 88.1 FM in Santa Cruz and throughout the Monterey Bay Area.

Woo!

I'll I'll take a listen to that as soon as I get back into my Jeep and slide around the parking lot some more here at WERU.

I see.

Use your snowblower yet, Joel?

No.

Okay.

Well,

there is no justice in the world when Brian Eno is in the Rock Hall of Fame and Joe Bird in the field hippies is not.

Luckily,

it's mid-February 2021.

That's extra bailiff day.

Monty is here to help us dispel some of that justice.

And Monty, you also have a really wonderful fundraiser going on to benefit the Cancer Connection.

I'll talk more about that in the plug section.

But in the meantime, Jesse Thorne, do we have anything on the docket at all?

Here's something from Peggy.

Way back when it was safe, my husband Eric took our twin boys on a mini-golf outing at Sherman Oaks Castle Park.

Twin boys are incredibly competitive, and Eric is nothing short of a Boy Scout when it comes to rules.

Far into the course, scores were still close.

Every putt could still decide the final victor.

Eric Eric lined up a beautiful shot that landed just shy of the hole.

Then fate intervened.

A very happy toddler girl skipped onto the green and deposited Eric's pink ball in the cup.

Eric cheered, claiming a hole in one since mini golf is all about obstacles and accidents, and he was the recipient of the most fortuitous obstacle interference of all time.

And of course, dad's rules stand when on a daddy day outing.

The twins were not happy, but Eric still thinks it was the most amazing, unprecedented miniature golf whole in one.

What say you, Judge Hodgman?

Wow.

And I happen to know from a PS that Peggy sent that her twins are now juniors in college.

So

this has been going on for a long time.

Three years.

I don't know.

Jennifer, Jesse,

Joel.

Oh, Monty, your name doesn't begin with a J.

My middle name does.

What is it, Julius?

Jehosaphat.

It's Monty John Belmonte.

No, it's really not, but John is my middle name.

John is your middle name.

Your real first name is Christopher.

Christopher.

Maybe no listener has ever put it together that Monty Belmonte is a cool DJ name.

Yeah.

Monty, where do you go mini-golfing there in western Massachusetts?

You have a spot you like?

No, I never go mini golfing, and if I do, it's usually on Cape Cod.

Oh, do you not like, do you not care for it?

Do you hate windmills?

I went a lot when I was a kid, and I think I burned out on it, and now I just never, I've never exposed my own children to it.

And so there's been really no need to go try.

There's a place on Route 9, not far from Trans World Market, where the spicy chili crisp and lychee nuts are available.

Monty, do you ever go maxi golfing?

I have never once gone maxi golfing ever in my life, and I hope never to.

Is maxi golfing?

It seems awful to me.

Is that what we call golfing, or is it extra-large golfing, where the golf ball is as big as a beach ball?

I think it's regular golf, but now that you mentioned the possibility that it could be a step beyond regular golf,

I'm loving that idea.

I would love to have a giant golf club and hit something, not like a full-size four-square ball, but you know, that kind of like one that's in between the size of a four-square ball and like a handball ball, you know, that's about the size of a big grapefruit.

Do you mean a de me four-square ball?

Yeah, de me four-square ball for Max.

To paraphrase Casper Hauser, one of the greatest comedy sketches of all time, Spicy Ponyhead.

Check it out.

Casper Hauser, Spicy Ponyhead.

I just texted it to my therapist last night, not to brag.

It came up in session.

It's a lot of food, yes.

We also have a de me spicy ponyhead.

Depends on what's a fisherman's brain.

Oh, Monty, you ever listened to the Casper Hauser sketch, Spicy Ponyhead?

I have not.

Make a point of it, won't you?

Maybe Jesse's therapist can forward it to me.

Yeah, I think that we just, I think Maxi golf would be fantastic.

A big bouncy ball that you hit with a club, try to bounce it into a hole?

Terrific.

Judge Hodgman, I love the idea of mini golf, but the last time I played mini golf was when my dear departed father was still with us.

And he and I, I don't remember why,

but he and I got in a fight so big that it may have ended in tears.

And I think I was 20 years old.

Wow.

Like

a truly intense brouhaha that involved an issue like this.

It was about, I feel like my dad was angry at me for how much I wanted to win.

That's sort of my memory of it, but I might be misremembering.

It was something along those lines.

Mini golf is designed to be frustrating.

Up here in the summertime, I have

occasionally gone to Pirates Cove

up in Trenton, Maine, Pirates Cove mini golf.

Do you ever go there, Joel?

Yes, I did.

You know, it's rated number one place for a neck sunburn in Maine?

I didn't think you had enough sunburn in Maine.

If you want a debilitating neck sunburn, go to Not Enough Shade.

I read that on Wirecutter, John.

Right.

You'll have to check that out.

Yeah.

I've never gone to Tasha's Food and Mini Golf on Caterpillar Hill Road, Joel, but it's for sale now.

Did you know that?

No, I didn't.

You should buy it.

Would you run a mini golf?

I'd turn it into frisbee golf.

Okay.

All right.

Good plan.

Have you considered maxi golf?

Sport of the future.

Sport of the future.

I think the maxi golfer and the frawfer can be friends.

It's my favorite song from Oklahoma.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got to say that mini golf is not something I have a lot of fond memories of, other than the one time I played mini golf on the boardwalk in Ocean City, New Jersey,

and this was probably, I was 11 or so, and they were playing

You Have to Believe We Are Magic by Olivia Newton-John from the soundtrack to Xanadu.

That was a magical evening.

That was a beautiful moment.

And I wasn't getting a next sunburn, and I probably hit that ball pretty well through the windmill okay.

I think there was one where I had to hit it into a shark's mouth.

That was very satisfying.

Did it.

And the best thing about the ones down there in Ocean City is

the whole they're they're all packed together on the boardwalk so the whole experience has to be by necessity, by geometry, it has to take about seven minutes to be done with.

You play too long, it just becomes really boring and frustrating.

Now, what I didn't understand about this case, you guys,

is when I first read it, I thought it was one of the twins who hit the ball that the little girl interfered with.

And so I thought it was a brother-against-brother dispute.

It took a second read for me to realize that it was the father, Eric, who claimed this victory over his two sons

because a toddler skipped onto the green, picked up the ball, and deposited it into the cup.

And that seems to me extremely mean-spirited.

I don't believe dad's rules stand when on a daddy day outing.

I've never been in a situation where dad's rules stood ever, Jesse.

Are you familiar with dad's rules?

You know, my attorney general has been encouraging me to institute dad's rules.

Dad's rules are unenforceable as far as I can tell.

Monty, how would you rule on this one?

Dad wins.

I am always out to win and destroy all my children in every game I play against them to teach them the hard facts of life.

So if the hard facts of life is a toddler interfering with your ball in mini golf,

sorry, kids, dad wins.

That's not true.

You don't try to defeat your children in competition.

I know you to be a caring, nurturing father.

Not when it comes to games around the house, and given the panny, we have been playing an awful lot of games around the house, and I go after them hardcore in all games.

What game are you playing, Kingmaker?

Let's see.

Oh, you recommended Monopoly Go.

Oh, is that it?

Monopoly dealing with the game.

Monopoly

based on Monopoly.

Yeah, we got that one for Christmas for the family.

We've been playing that one.

We play a lot of Parcheesi.

I'll tell you something.

I got a Parcheesi case

in the hopper.

It's been sitting there for weeks.

I don't know what to do with this thing.

I mean, I love Parcheesi, but there's no case here.

There's no case here.

Sorry.

Sorry, dad was mad at his son for winning.

I'm more of a Papo-Matic trouble man.

Oh,

that's also a great board game with the Papo-Matic.

Sounds like a weird cover of a Marvin Gaye song.

Yeah, Papo-Matic is like one of those funky Beck albums.

Yeah.

Jesse Thorne, what do you think I should rule?

You're a dad?

Do dads rule?

Or do they drool?

I think in this case that unless it was agreed ahead of time, there's no way that this is a legal miniature golf move.

You know, the spirit of the law has to be much clearer to make a claim like this, particularly when a father is punishing his children.

And I honestly, I think that while this could be a wonderful anecdote for cocktail parties for years to come.

And clearly has been.

I think that

a hole in one has to be earned.

Now, had it been a bird, I would feel differently, and I'm not sure why.

I think I can understand that because a bird would be interference by nature.

Yeah.

You know?

And unless that bird is a crow, And we all know that crows can recognize human faces and hold grudges.

They're the smartest.

You know, the corvids are the smartest birds on earth.

Certainly smarter than seagulls, those dummies.

Why are you swimming in that cold water?

Get out of that thing.

Yeah.

Too salty.

Unless it's a crow, then I would imagine that

that was just the same thing as a gust of wind.

But this toddler has agency.

And I got to say,

the airbud precedent...

There's nowhere in the rulebook that says a toddler can't put your ball in the hole and you win or whatever.

I'm going to overturn it in this case because I'm with you, Jesse.

Sorry, Monty.

You're the judge.

Unless that toddler is an employee of the mini golf course, which would be amazing, unless she would have hired to interfere

just to sow chaos across the whole 18 or however many holes,

then I'm sorry, Eric, your twin boys.

finally get the justice they've long sought for and deserved.

Joel, when you buy Tasha's food in mini-golf up there, you got to hire some kid to just mess with the balls.

Sounds a little storky to battle.

Or the frisbees.

You know what I mean?

Just make it fun.

Make it fun.

Judge Hodgman, I just imagined a mini golf course run entirely by toddlers.

Much to my delight.

And I imagined myself walking up to the concession counter and ordering an ice-cold Coke and the toddler behind the counter looking at me and saying,

No,

a body needs two dinks.

It's science.

It's science.

Here's something from Will.

He writes: I have a dispute with my close friend of many years, Gino.

Early in our relationship, I made Gino and myself laugh by referring to famous producer and rapper Dr.

Dre

as Dr.

Doctory,

as in Dr.

Dr.

E.

This one's for Monty.

This one's for Monty because I know he likes wordplay.

I love it already.

I don't defend the quality of this joke.

It's for the best.

But after 15 years of repeating the joke back and forth, Gino now claims he made up the joke.

I think by now he may truly believe it was him as opposed to gaslighting me all this time.

But it was me.

This argument comes up often and has even resulted in sweaty yelling.

Well, I'm not sure there's a way to prove it one way or another.

Please, Judge, make it stop.

All right, first of all,

is this a good joke?

Monty, you laughed.

I laughed immediately.

I love that sort of thing that has been sitting there like a ripe apple ready to pluck for all these years, but left unplucked, and then you're the first person to reach up and grab it.

Genius.

Like a worm-ridden crab apple.

I will probably never see the words Dr.

Dre

in front of my face again and not at least think Dr.

Dr.

E.

Dr.

Dr.

E.

Yeah, it's been sitting there since when did the chronic come out?

1991?

92?

I never saw it.

John, would you suggest this joke wasn't sitting there waiting to be plucked during the days of the world-class wrecking crew?

Jesse Thorne, I think I can sense.

When Dr.

Dre was wearing a sequin shirt?

I think I can sense that you

do not find this to be as good a joke.

No, it's garbage.

A pile of stinky garbage.

Holy moly.

I didn't expect that.

Pile of stinky garbage.

Harsh but fair.

Wordplay.

It's wordplay.

I get it.

Yeah, I confess I fall right between the two of you.

I rolled my eyes at this joke because it's wordplay.

And then I did kind of laugh at it because I saw something new in a thing that I've been staring at my whole life.

Much like that Hartford Whaler's negative space H.

And I saw that.

There's something playfully delightful in this joke, Will, but that's not what this is about.

Who made up the joke, Will or Gino?

Now,

there's one thing I like less than wordplay.

If anyone knows from watching the TV show Dick Town on Hulu, it's mind games.

Don't like mind games, but I'll play them.

I'll say this right now, Will.

Sounds like a Gino joke to me.

I don't know.

It just sounds like a joke Gino would make.

I mean, Gino's got a better name than you.

Sorry, Will.

Gino's a cool name.

I think you made up this cool joke.

You are a good one.

I have to disagree here.

Yeah, really?

I have to disagree here.

Yeah.

You know, I hate to disagree with one of your rulings.

They are binding.

Yeah, that's fine.

I think it's clear, having reviewed the evidence, that Monty Belmonte came up with the joke.

I am Will and Gino.

Monte Belmonte contains multitudes.

Christopher Monty, John Belmonte, Jehosaphat contains multitudes.

Will.

You know Will.

Right.

All right.

Yeah, you know what?

I was going to throw it to Gino just to mess with Will's mind, which is not fair to Will because he brought this case in good faith.

But I will end the dispute.

Somewhat good faith.

I will end the dispute by honoring Bailiff Jesse Thorne, wintertime, cinder time,

guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte,

is the author of this joke and has always been the author of this joke.

It is now settled.

Gino and Will go in peace.

And Monty, I want you to know that from my perspective, I can't speak for the judge, but from my perspective, there's a punishment for you.

Wow.

I love it.

And I I will lay claim to it because the judges said so.

I will tell everyone that I've come up with this incredible joke.

I'm also going to steal Superb Owl from Stephen Colbert, which was another one of those things that was sitting there forever.

And he was at least the first person that I heard to call it that.

And I am delighted by it every time.

You're going to steal a joke from Stephen Colbert?

I got a new nickname for you, Chris Monty, Jehosaphat.

Icarus, you're flying too close to the sun.

Those wax ones are going to melt.

Someone who has as little hair on his head as you do, Monty, should not fly too close to the sun or go mini-golfing at Pirates Cove in Trenton, Maine.

Too dangerous.

Definitely wear a hat.

Wear a hat.

We're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's partner.

We'll be back with more cases to clear from the docket on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week and joined by our friend, summertime, fun time, and wintertime, sin time, bailiff Monty Belmonte.

Here is something from Noah.

I have a dispute with my lovely but impatient wife.

I apologize for the length of this message, but I truly believe each detail will help inform your ultimate judgment.

Jesse, let me just jump in here to say that I can verify that that statement is not true.

I cut this one down in half, and it is still very, very long.

I got all the salient details to make my judgment, Noah.

Thank you for your long letter.

Let's hear the rest.

Judge Hodgman, perhaps you are as impatient as Noah's lovely wife.

Okay.

I, Noah says, I live in the Pioneer Valley in western Massachusetts where winters can be cold.

In my 20s, I wore fashionable winter gear that provided little warmth.

Now I'm in my 30s and want to wear the warmest possible gear on our daily dog walks.

A heavy and unfashionable winter jacket, scarf, hat, and gloves over several underlayers, usually consisting of a wool sweater and a chamois shirt.

My wife says I take too much time getting ready.

She also calls me Columbo because I usually say just one more thing as I run back into the house to grab another layer.

I think I'm being reasonable, especially since my wife believes our dog walks should be an hour at least.

Judge, I seek your judgment as a New Englander.

I don't know what that means.

I would appreciate Joel's opinion.

No disrespect, I'm less concerned with the views of your West Coast colleagues as New England winters cannot truly be understood by outsiders.

Whoa.

I see now why I'm here.

He's referring to you and Jennifer.

We're Native Californians.

That's very mean, because we now know, this February especially,

that New England winters can be understood anywhere in the country.

And

you can get pretty cold in places you didn't think you could get cold before.

But Monty, you're from Western Massachusetts yourself, or you live there in any case.

Do you know this tail spinner, this chinwag named Noah?

You know this guy?

I know several Noahs, but the storyline doesn't seem to pan out to anyone particular that I can think of.

You may never have met him because he never actually makes it out of the house because it takes so long for him to put on all his clothes.

That's probably true.

What do you think about his keep warm system?

Good or bad?

I think as a system for keeping warm, I think it seems like a great system.

And an hour-long walk, you would want to bundle up, especially in February.

Yeah.

As somebody who works at a radio station where no one sees me and still wears leopard-stitched sweaters, I also appreciate fashion when it comes to all things and times.

So if I were Noah, I would be dressing fashionably to go out for this walk.

However, I can withstand a certain degree of cold, and I would not want to look like Columbo walking out of the house with a dog for an hour.

Joel,

what do you wear when you go out of the house?

The shorts.

Yeah.

That's the state winter garb of Maine.

Actually, I have a DJ who will walk in here in shorts yesterday.

Yeah, but they're walking from their car to the to the...

I mean, I'm only wearing a sweatshirt and a puffy vest today, but it's quite cold outside.

If I were going out for an hour,

I would add more to my ensemble.

Absolutely.

All right.

Then we agree.

Oh, and guest bailiff Monty Belmonti just put on a very, a very puffy hat.

That looks good.

This is my cover-up.

Winter hat, it makes me feel like I have hair.

It's like a bomber hat, but with faux fur on the front and on the ear flaps.

Yeah.

So I can, it's essentially I get to change my hairdo with whatever winter hat I wear.

It makes you look like that kids in the hall sketch where they're pretending to be French-Canadian fur traders paddling a canoe through an office.

So listen,

Noah's approach is correct.

There is a woman named Blair Braverman

who runs a dog sled in Alaska.

That's her job.

And back in December, she threw out a tweet thread saying a lot of people are having difficulty handling the cold.

And she offered some tips.

for how to dress properly for the cold.

And that tweet thread, I I actually came across it the other day because it's been making the rounds again here in February because lots of people are dealing with

cold that they do not expect to have to deal with based on where they live.

And we hope everyone is doing okay.

As someone who has been traumatized by cold here in Maine, not merely outside, but also within one's own house when it's very cold out and it's just hard to keep the house warm without starting a fire in the wood stove in the basement, or maybe it's hard to keep the house warm because you're a dope who doesn't know how to run a house and you let the oil run out.

Guilty.

I'm not saying I want a kid either.

That was like this year.

There are few things that are more kind of existentially

traumatizing than being cold and

not knowing how you're going to get warm again.

So

I would encourage you to check out Blair Braverman's thread, but basically she gives the same advice that Noah has given to himself.

You do want layers.

And you don't want layers

merely to just add thickness.

You want layers to create

air pockets within your wardrobe that will trap and hold heat.

And you don't want to look fashionable.

You don't want to go out just in a green sweater with cool jaguars on the sleeves.

Because as Blair Braverman points out, most fashionable winter wear is cut to make you look attractive.

And essentially, it's slim cut.

And what you want in order to stay warm is Michelin man cut.

You want to look like a big old meatball because the more layers you have that are building out, the more pockets of air you have.

And who cares what you look like anyway?

You're trying to be alive.

You want to have a long coat,

one that goes down below your butt, because even though that looks real dumb,

you want to, that whole area on your butt and your front butt, if you know what I mean,

that gives away a lot of heat, as well as your head and your hands and stuff.

But also, Blair Braveman pointed out something I never thought of, which is that warm air rises.

It's going to get caught, air's going to get caught up there in your coat chute and get warm around you.

You want to have warm boots that keep you high off the ground.

And she also recommended something that I discovered this winter when I was forced to climb a small hill on our daughter's birthday to

suffer in ice-cold, chilling wind.

Something to go around your neck, a neck gator, they call it.

They make some really, they have some high-tech fleeces.

They really kept my neck warm.

That's where I usually get super cold.

Here's another hint is

when you if you were wearing underlayers, the stuff that touches your skin, no cotton.

That just gets wet and then you feel damp and cold.

You want to go with polyester, silk, merino, something like that.

Now, Blair Braveman also, speaking about your butt and your front butt,

she also suggests using those hand warmers, those chemical hand warmers that you pop open, put them in your mittens or whatever.

And she even suggests putting one, tucking one in your pants in your front butt region.

Because she says that if you warm up your femoral artery, that's going to send heat throughout your whole body like it's like a forced hot air system in an old house.

I don't know about that.

Careful.

That stuff can burn you.

Is this the wintertime sin time part of it?

Yeah, exactly.

I mean, it might be exciting.

So for all of those reasons, I'm going to say that Noah is entitled to feel comfortable on an hour-long walk in a New England winter, even if it is a winter of the western Massachusetts variety, essentially the Riviera of New England.

I mean, it's basically temperate all year round.

I'm not talking about Presque Isle.

You know what I mean, Joel?

Not talking about Presque Isle.

No.

No.

Not talking about Caribou.

No.

No.

There's another town up there in the county.

Fort Kent.

Yeah, it's not talking about Fort Kent.

Talking about Northampton, Massachusetts, where you're seconds away from fresh lychee nuts at any moment.

You can go take shelter in the world travel market or whatever.

What's it called, Monty?

Trans World Market.

Trans World Market.

So Noah is correct.

He's got a good system.

Noah is correct to feel comfortable.

Noah is correct to not put himself at the risk of

cold.

But I I absolutely believe that Noah's wife is correct, that he takes too long to get ready.

Because you have no idea how long it took him to write this letter.

I mean, I don't know how many drafts he wrote, but this was some verbose stuff that you sent me, Noah, and you know it.

You apologized at the top for it.

And I would just say to everyone who's writing me at hodgman at maximumfund.org, I love you, I love you, Noah.

But, you know,

I gotta read these things.

You know,

brevity is the soul, period.

But that said, Noah, you are in control of getting your routine down.

You should not be running back to the house to get one more layer.

You should have your layers planned out.

You should get them on.

Plan your work and work your plan.

Be ready to go.

Know that you're going to take extra time.

And don't go back in the house for stuff.

And for heaven's sakes, Noah's wife, why are you calling him Columbo?

You should be calling him Steve Jobs.

That's who also said one more thing.

That'd be cooler.

No, Colimbo is definitely cooler than Steve Jobs.

I know.

I'm giving you Steve Jobs in honor of California, though.

Here's something from Judge John Hodgman.

He writes, Hi, Jesse.

Thanks so much for doing this podcast.

During times that are difficult for everyone, I'm so lucky to know that I get to hear your voice week after week.

This is my favorite.

I hope you know how to do it.

I appreciate you.

I wrote this, Jesse, for you.

Yeah,

it's really sweet of you to have written this.

Can I finish reading it or do you want me to just...

It's good.

I tried to keep it pretty short.

I hope you know how much I appreciate you and Jennifer Marmor.

And I'm sorry that I make you both endorse so much content about New

Zealand.

New England, yeah.

Yeah.

And now, so many New England dudes.

However, I do have one dispute with Monty Belmonte that I hope you can judge.

Channel 38 or Channel 56?

These both sound like channels.

They sound to me like channels that air

that show where you call in and people help you do your homework.

I don't know what they show now.

Neither do I.

And I suspect that they do not carry any of the programming or any of the local sort of weight,

cultural weight that they did during the time.

that I was growing up in Brookline, Massachusetts.

And

you're in western Mass now, Monty, but you grew up in Eastern Mass, right?

Yes, in the suburbs of Boston, Norton, Massachusetts, the most boring college town in America.

So what college is there?

Wheaton College.

Right.

Moving on.

So very quickly, these are the two UHF channels,

the big two.

They're the staples of syndicated programming after school for kids who didn't want to do their homework.

They were the staples of movies at 8 o'clock before there were VHS rental parlors.

I think that's what they were called.

You would see a movie that used to be in the movie theater on your TV.

They had a fair amount, one more than the other, of local programming, Channel 38 in particular, and local sports, Channel 38 in particular.

Guess which one I lean to?

Monty, you are Channel 38.

Give me a very quick: what did you love on Channel 38?

The Movie Loft.

Yeah.

And the Three Stooges.

Especially the Three Stooges New Year's Eve Marathon.

Right.

Which was very formative in my years of celebrating New Year's Eve before I was old enough to want to go out on New Year's Eve.

So that's it.

Movie loft with Dana Hersey.

Jesse Thorne, you got to watch some YouTube videos of Dana Hersey's introductions to like the deer hunter on the movie loft.

Genius.

An incredible Boston broadcaster.

Black turtleneck,

like corduroy jackets, standing in a fake loft with a bunch of posters of Humphrey Bogart behind him, waxing philosophic about a replay of gremlins.

Incredible.

And Dana Hersey also had a show called We Don't Knock, where they would just go into local bars with a camera and genuinely just like go into the Ratskiller in Kimmore Square and genuinely just film people without permission because they don't knock.

Incredible.

Incredible local program, Channel 38.

All I'm going to say is Channel 56,

that was my bag because they had creature double feature in the afternoons on Saturday, and you could see your kaiju, you could see your Godzilla, you could see your mecha Godzilla.

They had Looney Tunes cartoons, which are formative,

and they also had Benny Hill.

Both things are legacies of a time where weirdos like me, and arguably you, Monty, would just be steeped in all this cultural detritus based on what these stations could buy and suddenly have like fluency with the entire back catalog of Mikael's Navy.

Just lost culture that you have to seek out now was just put into our eyes without our asking for it.

All right, Jesse Thorne.

Which is best, 38 or 56?

This is a really tough one.

I've heard some great arguments on both sides.

Certainly, the enduring...

intercontinental battle between the three stooges and Benny Hill

is

a remarkable one, one that will never die, that will live in our hearts forever.

I haven't even bothered to find out

which station carried MASH,

which seems important to me.

Nothing better than coming home from school and watching the world's saddest sitcom.

But I do have an answer for you.

In order to share it with you, what I'm going to do is

share my screen with the two of you.

We're speaking on via video conferencing.

Sure.

And we'll share the sound with the audience at home.

We've got what you're looking for.

TV20

stereo.

KOFY Coffee TV20 San Francisco.

What a San Francisco thing?

Yeah, that's right.

Ha ha.

Thought you could get your little New England best me.

No, it's KOFY TV20

because they had station IDs with local dogs.

And then they sang the song that went, welcome to your place, KOFY

TV20.

And then it went stereo.

All right.

Probably both of your stations were broadcasting in mono for all I know.

I don't even remember.

Joel, do you know channel 56 or 38?

I do.

Which one is better?

56.

Yes.

Come on.

Why?

Benny Hill.

Benny Hill.

No.

That's that.

But 56 also had Kung Fu Theater, I think.

Didn't Creature Double Feature and Kung Fu Theater rotate?

Yeah, they did.

That's what I was going to say was my real big thing I loved about 56.

Creature Double Feature and Kung Fu Theater.

I forgot to even say that not only that, look,

KOFY,

Channel 20 had those cute dogs, but one time I was watching Creature Double Feature coming up, and it was December, and they did a little PSA saying, Hanukkah is coming up.

And there was a picture of my oldest friend, Damon Graff, in a suit.

We were just kids, and he was on television.

He was on Channel 56.

He looked so handsome sitting there in his suit.

And also, listener Jake B., who wrote to me and inspired this dispute, pointed out that not only did Channel 25 have Star Blazers, but Channel 56 would show it a second time as well.

We'll talk more.

We'll sing that Star Blazers song in the future, but I got to say, that's a win for Channel 20.

That's a win for Channel 56.

Sorry, 38.

Sorry, Dana Hersey.

I love you forever.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we will name a baby and offer one single but desperately important case of our famous game, Dracula or No.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lawman.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back from the break.

It's the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Jesse Thorne.

With me, Judge John Hodgman.

And with us, our friend Monty Belmonte from The River in Western Massachusetts.

It's the name of the radio station.

W-R-S-I-F-I-I.

Not to be confused with 88.1, the heavyweight 88, hazy S-E-F-M in Santa Cruz, California, home of joy in the morning, where a white guy with dreadlocks talks in Jamaican patois.

He's a nice man, DJ Hottey.

Here's a case from Caroline.

You may remember me and my husband Connor from the Ethereum mining dispute you heard at the London Podcast Festival.

I remember.

I remember that there was an issue with him filling their apartment with computers

that were mining digital currency and getting too hot or something.

Ethereum

is one of the more popular cryptocurrencies, and he had a whole bunch of servers in their apartment, and it was heating the place up.

Mining for Ethereum.

We're back in Oakland now and are expecting our first baby.

Our placeholder name for this baby is Alien, because we cannot decide on a final name.

It's a tough decision.

Should it be Alien or Aliens?

Or my preference, Alien versus Predator.

Uh-huh, sure.

Connor and I have always referred to ourselves as the C-team and have given both of our dogs C-names, Cosmo and Chai.

But we are struggling with a traditional boy's C-name for our baby.

Connor said we could give the baby a non-C-name, but if we do, we can no longer refer to ourselves as the C-team.

I don't like this at all.

I think whatever name we pick will be special, but also think our many years as the C team, almost 11 now, are special too.

I think it would be sweet to refer to ourselves as the C-team and Lil OtherName.

Lil alien.

Yeah, it's obviously they want to name this child alien.

I don't know why we should stand in the way of this.

It's clear.

It's clear to me.

I mean, I feel Caroline's pain in this case because when you have a team,

let's say you have a podcast that over the past several weeks has gotten a little rollicking.

As we've been podcasting from up here in Maine, and you notice that everyone involved on the team has a first name that starts with a J, Joel, Jennifer, John, Jesse,

in that order from top to bottom in my line of sight on the Zoom.

We were the J squad, and now we've got Monty in here, messing it up.

Sorry.

Monty.

Oh, you know what, though?

Maybe you should check.

I know you've been going professionally by Monty Belmonte for many years, even though your real name is Chris.

But have you ever thought about Jaunty Belmonte?

That's very good.

That's Jaunty.

That's what I mean.

That is good.

Okay.

Jaunty Belmonte.

Johnny, obviously they should name this child alien or they're leaning towards it and they're just trying to get us to talk them into it and the dispute here is whether or not if they name the child alien whether or not alien can be a member of the c team an honorary member of the c team but i'll never turn down a chance to try to force a baby name on a listener so do you have any other ideas either c-names

or non-C-names that would be good to fit in with Caroline, Connor,

what, Chai, and what's the other dog's name?

Cuss word?

No, Cosmo.

Cosmo and Chai.

And it could be, and I don't know what gender this baby is, but they're asking about a traditional boy's name in this case.

Are they aware of the name Charles?

I mean, Charles is a solid, that's a solid C1.

Carl?

Christopher?

Hey, that's my name.

Same name's available to them.

You could name Christopher.

You could name your child Christopher Alien

your last name.

Alien is nice.

I mean I think John that there's only one real serious answer to that.

Obviously they want to give their child a C name and they want to name their child after one of the alien films so they're going to have to name the child Covenant.

Yeah.

Or go with something cryptic like Cthulhu, but like not quite alien enough.

Oh, why not crypto as in cryptocurrency?

Ethereum itself.

Cryptocurrency, your last name.

Yeah.

I would call him maybe crypto

the wonderdog last name.

Connor, by the way, apparently has given up mining for Ethereum.

He dismantled his Ethereum mining rig because they got their own house and they had to pay their own electric bill.

It was not.

But they still own some Ethereum and apparently it's doing very well.

I mean,

Ethereum doesn't work as a name, but you could add, you could add a C to call this child Chetherium and Chet for short.

These are all good options.

Joel, you got any good C names?

Claude.

Claude.

Claude.

Claude's a nice one.

Claude is a great one.

Underused.

Many, many good options, but I think it's clear that you want to name this child Alien.

And if that's child is also a perfectly good C-name.

But if you're if you're feeling like Alien, go for it.

It'll never break up the C-team.

Just like the J-Squad is only enhanced by Christopher, Monty, Jehosaphat, John, Belmonte.

I won't try to rename you Jaunty, even though that's a cool name.

You're our friend.

Yeah, it's the J squad and Lil Monty.

J squad and Lil Monty.

I like that.

Testing on the track.

Judge Hodgman, it says here that we have one case, just a single case

for our segment, Dracula or no?

Yeah.

So, Monty,

I don't know if you've been listening to the podcast lately, but we introduced an incredible new segment called Dracula or No.

And this is a segment where parents send in stories about their children acting in particularly creepy ways,

and we try to determine for them whether or not it's possible that their child is a Dracula or no.

And Jesse being the world's expert on Draculas, even though he is an anti-Dracula, you know, he has studied Draculas, right, Jesse?

Yeah.

Right.

So Jesse

did some judging of children as to whether they were Draculas or no.

And

what we determined were, yeah, there are some child Draculas out there.

Monty,

if you don't know this about me, I'm a pretty well-known Draculist.

Wow.

Yeah.

And Simon Belmont was a rather famous vampire hunter, so I could be with you on this or against you, depending on on your stance on Draculas.

I would say that we're fairly anti-Dracula, wouldn't you, Jesse?

Okay.

He's a Dractivist, so I didn't know if that was pro-Dracula or anti-Dracula.

Sorry, Monty, are you pro-Dracula?

No, I'm not pro-Dracula.

I'm anti-Claw.

John, did you know that Draculas can host morning shows on radio stations?

Yeah, of course.

They can have any job.

That's part of the problem.

I'm not suggesting anything.

I'm just making sure that you know that's.

i do get up and go home in the night

you're saying any radio dj could be a dracula

yeah that's true joel are you a dracula no i don't know yeah joel's not a dracula

all right so we only have it turns out that most children are not draculas

one they're just

curious about death and blood because they have wonderful morbid imaginations that they haven't learned to

tamp down yet.

And they've figured out how to scare their parents and that's very hilarious to children.

And two, most children are growing.

And when something is growing, they are living.

And Draculas, of course, are the undead.

We do have this one case that was compelling enough that I thought I would have to present it to you.

It hinges on some visual evidence that I am prepared to text all of you, the J-Squad and Lil Monty, in just a moment.

So So stand by with your phones to see the visual evidence while I read this very brief, thank you, Douglas, very brief letter from Douglas.

Douglas writes, this is a picture of my son Timothy on the changing table when he was two years old.

We just listened to episode 504 over breakfast, and for our family's safety, we're in desperate need of clarification.

Dracula or no?

At this moment, my son is refusing to finish his everything bagel.

And yes, I know what you're thinking.

There is garlic on it.

So,

are you ready to receive the visual evidence?

Yeah.

Okay, I am now transmitting the photo of Timothy age two to the J Squad and Wil Monty now.

Yikes.

Of course, this image will be featured on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page as well as the show page of maximumfund.org.

They dressed him up like a little.

Half of it is their fault.

But those teeth.

I mean, you could argue he's dressed up as a little Steve Jobs, but.

Just one more thing.

I want to suck your blood.

For those of you who have not already...

Pulled off to the side of the road to immediately look up the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page at Instagram.com slash JudgeJohnHodgman or the show page at maximumfund.org, become a member today.

This is a photo of Timothy H2,

not only bearing distinct fangs,

but also sporting a very stylish black turtleneck.

And I'm going to say something.

My impression from Douglas's letter

was that this is in the past because it says this is when he was two years old.

So I would say, Douglas, I don't need you to clarify and I certainly don't need you to write a longer letter.

You kept it nice and brief, and I loved it.

But I would surmise that this picture is taken before

the award-winning, Webby award-winning segment, Dracula or No,

and therefore, this is just how Timothy naturally dresses.

So, Jesse Thorne.

I put it to you, my friend.

Dracula

or no?

So, we have a couple of pieces of evidence here.

One is the kid won't eat an everything bagel.

It has garlic on it.

One is the kid is dressed in the manner of a Dracula and apparently not dressed up for the purpose of looking like a Dracula.

It's just

the everyday garb, this child.

The child has a pallid complexion,

which a lot of Draculas have.

And the child has

some very, extremely pointy teeth.

I mean, we're talking full-on

Mayan royalty

with the amount of pointiness of these teeth.

If he also had a pointy head, we would know

that he was

ancient Mayan royalty, but it's just the teeth that they look like they could have been filed to a point.

Yeah, but to be clear, to the listener who has not yet seen this photo, these are not

D Snyder of Twisted Sister style

filed pointed teeth, where D.

Snyder, the lead singer of Twisted Sister, filed his two front teeth into fangs.

These are seemingly naturally occurring pointy teeth in the traditional canine position within the mouth, the draxpots.

Yeah.

Well, I'm going to address first the everything bagel issue.

Everything bagels are overrated.

If the bagel is good, it doesn't need all that crap on it.

Just a plain bagel or an egg bagel is fine if it's a good bagel.

And second of all, I'm going to say I understand why someone would be worried that their child was a Dracula based on all of this information, but the reality is this child is not a Dracula.

This child is artsy.

Not a Dracula, merely artsy.

That's the ruling.

This child is not avoiding everything bagels because

there's garlic on them.

This child is avoiding everything bagels because he would prefer absinthe.

You have.

Congratulations, Douglas.

You do not have a Dracula.

You have a naturally beautiful, human

and

uncharacteristically blonde and blue-eyed emo baby.

Yeah.

Grace and Savoir Faire, that's what your baby has.

I think this kid is about one step away from the old weekly World News Bat Boy

photographs.

Can't you imagine?

Like, this kid is one step away from their bulging eyes and the giant.

This is right before Bat Boy becomes Bat Boy.

This is when Bat Boy is opening a gallery in Chelsea.

Right.

Well, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, wintertime sintertime, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte, thank you so much for joining us.

I believe we have solved all of the disputes that we are going to solve today, at least.

Tomorrow we'll bring more, and I hope that you will come back on the program again.

Thanks for being here.

It's always my pleasure.

Our docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Huge thanks to our friend, Summertime Fun Time, and Wintertime Sin Time Bailiff Monty Belmonte for joining us today.

You can listen to him every morning on WRSI The River, 93.9 FM, in Northampton, Massachusetts, and now on his own podcast, A Week of Mornings, wherever you get your podcasts.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Our engineer in Maine is Joel Mann, Program and Operations Manager at WERU Community Radio in Orland, Maine.

You can listen to WERU at weru.org, and you can follow Joel on Instagram.

His handle is the main man.

Jennifer, of course, is the former station manager of KZSE, the heavyweight 88 at 88.1 FM in Santa Cruz, California.

Online at kzsc.org.

And my dream job is to be the station manager of KPOO Community Radio in San Francisco.

KPOO, baby, baby.

Follow us on Twitter.

Monty is at Monty Belmonte.

I'm Jesse Thorne.

Judge Hodgman is at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judgejohodgman tweets, hashtag jjho, and check out the maximum fun subreddit to discuss this episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfun.org or email hodgman at maximumfun.org.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Hey, Monty, you know, sometimes we do a post-credit sequence like a Marvel Cinematic Universe situation.

Ooh.

Yep.

And this is one of them.

Nice.

Monty, a few weeks ago, a listener named Jess Fox wrote an original song based on a joke from Judge John Hodgman called Garlic on My Flapsteak.

And I challenged the listeners to write lyrics to this instrumental song, and many, many did.

But only David and Natalie and Dan sang it into a can, so I wouldn't have to.

A few weeks ago, we played David's contribution.

Today, we're going to hear the lyrics as sung by Dan Grubb.

And by the way, everybody, this contest is closed.

You don't need to send me lyrics or sing them into a can anymore.

Dan, when you hear this, send me an email at hodgman at maximumfund.org with your address and something you've picked out for me to send to you from maxfundstore.com.

That's your prize.

All right.

And normally I don't say last names, but because Dan's last name is fantastic, here's Garlic on My Flapsteak.

Lyrics by Dan Grubb.

Boom Boom Boom My baby gon' make a flapsteak Just you wait and see Boom bump boom boom say my baby gon' make a flapsteak special just for me Boom bad boom gon' mince all that garlic cup Add not a teaspoon but a whole dang cup so when I eat my baby's flapsteak Draculas won't bite me Bo b

my baby gon' make a flapsteak just like mamma made Boom boom boom yes my baby gon' make a flapsteak that kills the undayed

She soaks it in a garlic brine till it's pungent as turpentine so when I eat my baby's flapsteak I won't be afraid Balloon Balloon

The Dracula problem is a dismal part of modern life

they can have any job they like clerk teacher or even middle wife Oh I tried eating crosses

and I once ate the sun

But eating garlic on my flapsteak is a lot more fun A boom boom boom, my baby gon' make a flapsteak.

Just you wait and see.

Yes, my baby gon' make a flapsteak, special just for me.

She's gonna mince that garlic up.

Add not a teaspoon, but a whole dang cup.

So when I eat my baby's flapsteak, Draculas won't bite me.

Maximumfun dot org Comedy and culture.

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