Dowager Mayor

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket.

And with me, as always, is the one true king of judging, Judge John Hodgman.

Please, Jesse, not a king, a constitutional monarch at best.

I'm sorry.

Who voted for you, friend?

Only the people of Naboo

has an electoral monarchy.

Jesse Thorne, I'm back in Brooklyn, New York, and I'm just sitting here putting gold putty on a Lego Hulk, getting ready to send these galleys of medallion status, my new book out to two famous corgis of Instagram, Chompers and Linus.

I'm here to take care of some justice biz.

My business is sending books to dogs, and business is good.

It really is, because they can't say no.

They can't say no.

They would love to sniff the books.

Yeah, sure.

I mean, they probably have some means of expressing disapproval.

It's a family podcast.

I shan't say what it is.

Does Sissy and Coco want copies of Medallion Status?

No, they're more into like Sara Vowel.

Oh.

Oh, Bailiff, my Bailiff, you know how to wound a constitutional monarch.

That was unfair.

Let's now make things fair.

Do we have some justice to dispense or what?

Here's something from Ryan.

They ask, when moving to a new neighborhood, whose responsibility is it to introduce themselves first, the new neighbor or the established neighbors?

Additionally, what's the timeframe in which the introduction should happen?

It's interesting.

A couple of years ago, in the summertime in Maine, a gentleman came to our door with two small children and his wife.

They had moved into the neighborhood.

I don't remember the names of the children, but I certainly remember that the gentleman's name is Mike, and his wife's name is Dolphin.

And they were wonderful.

Sorry, Dolphin, I bet you're cool.

They're totally cool.

I think Mike was weirdly into marine biology, and Dolphin was just named Dolphin.

So Mike and Dolphin came by to introduce themselves because they had moved into the neighborhood.

And this was impressive

for two reasons.

One,

it was extremely neighborly, especially for New England and specifically for Maine, a region of the northeastern United States famed more for its misanthropy than its neighborliness.

And two, because it was in Maine, they had to walk, I think, a mile and a half to get to us.

And it did not seem that they were going to stop either.

They were going to walk to every house that they could reach to say hello and welcome to the neighborhood.

And it impressed me thrice because I would never in a million, bazillion, dolphin years, or human years do that myself.

It just was so generous and kind of unusual to my experience.

And of course, we've never spoken to them again since.

But I remember it.

Jesse Thorne, there in Los Angeles, is there a custom?

Do people introduce themselves to their neighbors?

I introduced myself to my neighbors, such as they are anyway.

My house has on one side of it someone's backyard, just because of the weird geography of the lots.

I introduced myself to my other neighbor when I got there, and I try and introduce myself to people when I see them out walking their dogs more than once.

But I do feel like the question of responsibility to me suggests a sort of very unneighborly obligation.

You know what I mean?

Like a sense of duty

that is incompatible with neighborliness.

Like that if we made Ryan do this,

they would like do it with silent resentment.

Right.

Perhaps this is not what you're saying, but I'm going to say it anyway.

It might violate one of the great principles of neighborliness, which is to leave everybody else alone.

The person whose backyard backs into my backyard, we share a back fence.

She had some sort of property dispute with a previous owner of my property.

And at one point, she called me when I was in Atlanta at a conference.

She called my house, got my wife.

got my phone number from my wife.

It's just like a 65-year-old lady and threatened to sue me and told me that I shouldn't cross her because she's a lioness.

That's a way to introduce yourself for sure.

Yeah.

Friendly.

I was like, oh, I baked you some cookies.

Yeah.

In our apartment building here in Brooklyn, when we moved in now 12 years ago,

there was a lot of neighborliness.

There was a lot of open door policy.

and a lot of socializing.

And I think to some degree this had to do

the fact that we all had young children about the same age.

So we're always hoping that if we left our doors open, our children would run out of our apartments and into someone else's open doors.

And this happened.

You would leave your door open, but also leave like a powerful industrial fan blowing outward.

Yeah, exactly.

Like every time our kids would try to come back in, it was Marcel Marceau walking against the wind.

Mommy, Daddy.

It's like, can't hear you over the fan.

Sorry.

A number of those neighbors have moved on now, and we remain close with a couple of couples, but mostly those doors have closed.

And I think one of the things that happened was one of our upstairs neighbors ended up being a pathological liar.

Oh, wow.

And we think that this person may have suffered a little Munchausen syndrome.

about describing personal ailments that may or may not have been real ailments.

And then they left.

If this person is within the sound of my voice and they know that I'm talking about them, please know that I think very fondly of the time that we spent with your family, but it was this moment of realizing that the people you live close to, you may not know at all.

And when you do have an open door policy of that kind, you see other people's lives are abysses that you are staring into.

An abyss just like yours.

Like in a neighborhood, every house, it's like in Stranger Things, the upside down, every house is the upside down.

It is a dark reflection of your life and choices.

And it's sometimes not comfortable to look into, to see how other people live.

That's why the saying is not, no fences make great neighbors.

The saying is, giants steal barriers.

Keep blionesses out.

Yeah.

These are regional differences.

And I think that Mike and Dolphin may have come from a part of the world where it would have been considered profoundly rude not to introduce yourself to the neighborhood when you moved in.

When you say a part of the world where it would have been profoundly rude, is the part of the world that you're talking about under Decei?

Things are much hotter under the water

between us and sea.

Yeah, that's what I've heard.

Alan Minkin and Howard Ashman, incredible talents.

And of course, Howard Ashman taken much, much too soon.

But in any case, Ryan, you know your neighborhood.

If it is the case that there is an expectation that all neighbors should be introducing each other to each other, I would say take the bull by the horns, pull off the band-aid and several other clichés, and just get out there and mic and dolphin it first so that you don't suffer under the presumption that you are a non-neighborly person.

But I think all of these cases, there tend to be structures for this, such that you don't have to just go and home invade everyone around you.

You know, there are road association meetings and condo board meetings and homeowners association meetings and the secret meetings that you go to sit with your neighbors and discuss whether the new new neighbors are polite enough or whether you should burn them in a wicker man.

These are the chances for you to say hello to your neighbors.

Outside of the question of etiquette, there is a practical

consideration here.

And that is whether or not you choose to be a generally neighborly person.

That is whether or not you choose to spend time with your neighbors, which, you know, like I'm a city dude through and through.

My neighbors are the people of the world.

And I don't choose to spend more time with the people who live next door, sort of for that reason, you know what I mean, personally.

Right.

But when you live nearby people,

you are likely to have your path cross with them.

And it may well be that your path crosses with them in conflict.

And it may be a big thing or it may be a little thing.

I'm thinking of a neighbor's dog who bit my dog.

And it's a nice neighbor and I'm probably a nice dog.

They were fighting over the advanced readers copy of Medallion Status that I sent.

Exactly.

And in that situation, or say in the situation when I got into a conflict with my direct next-door neighbor over the manner in which I put out my trash cans, I was grateful that I had taken the initiative to introduce myself to them and do something nice.

I think I probably, when we moved in, I probably brought some neighbors, you know, a few chocolate chip cookies.

Because,

even the most basic bond of trust is better than no bond of trust.

If you're in a neighborhood that is not as misanthropic as Maine, you lose nothing by getting out there and walking around like you're selling a product or a religion and knocking on doors and saying, hi, it's me and my wife Dolphin.

And some people will be impressed and will think of you forever, as I have of Mike and Dolphin.

And some people will think you're oddballs and wish that you hadn't bothered them, but they'll know that you made a gesture and no one will think badly of you.

But I think that there's lots of opportunities for a more low-key, neutral territory hello while walking dogs, so long as they're not biting each other.

Make a nice gesture, get it out of the way, and no one will think badly of you.

That's what I say.

Here's something from Christopher.

My wife and I have argued over where the peanut butter should be stored.

I believe peanut butter should be in the fridge because it tastes better cold and some peanut butter requires refrigeration.

Scoff.

My wife believes it should be stored at room temperature as it's easier to spread that way.

We've polled strangers for years, but we'd like this matter decided by the highest of courts.

Sure.

Christopher, you've polled strangers for years,

and 99.99% of respondents have said, don't put it in the fridge.

But you think the peanut butter tastes better when it's cold, scoff.

That's really a wild opinion.

You know, I had the pleasure of appearing appearing on one and only one episode of Parks and Recreation.

And so I made a really big point of having an audio signature signed off, said,

and I am August Nbutu Clementine.

Yeah, I know, you played me.

Don't think it didn't pass my attention that they cast my colleague to play me on television.

Whoa.

You know, normally projection is what's done in a movie house, not on a television screen, Jesse.

That episode was written by the great Megan Amram, Amram, and she wrote the line that is still my favorite thing, where Leslie Nope is just saying something and

my horrible character just goes, scoff.

Jesse, do you disagree with me?

Where do you keep your peanut butter?

I think that generally my peanut butter is in the refrigerator, but it's not because I believe it belongs in the refrigerator.

It's just because that's where the rest of the...

condiments are as a matter of convenience.

And I agree that it's easier to spread when it's not refrigerated.

I agree that, generally speaking, it does not require refrigeration.

And I think that this thing about the temperature of peanut butter making it taste better is bananas.

Now, bananas make peanut butter taste better.

Bananas make peanut butter taste better.

And if you keep them out, they're more easily spreadable than if you keep them frozen.

Can I suggest something about your Parks and Recreation episode?

Yes.

So you played alongside great Dan Castellanetta in that episode, as I recall.

You did.

Man of Many Voices.

And Dan Castellanetta, a man of many voices, did a crazy NPR guy voice that many, many people

perceived quite reasonably as a ridiculous parody of NPR-in-ess.

Like a comical, silly parody of NPR-in-ess.

Right.

I know there are a lot of Parks and Rec fans who listen to this show.

I'm quite quite certain of that.

And at least one cast member.

Oh,

yeah.

Well, the great Nick Offerman.

Our friend Nick Offerman.

At least one, maybe even listening to this one.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Maybe Pratt's listening right now.

Well, he's talking about

Backyard Archery or whatever.

You just made him miss his shot.

You just got so excited.

You just shot wide.

You know, he's a movie star now, but he still gets excited when he hears his name on his favorite podcast.

He was in that scene.

He was in the background.

I'm technically in the Marvel universe.

Anyway, go ahead.

I just want to say that anyone who loves Parks and Rec enjoyed that episode that you were on, but has never heard the show Bookworm on KCRW with the wonderful Michael Silverblatt, who does a really wonderful job on that great show, should listen to it.

It is not a parody.

It is one-to-one.

It's not hyperbolic.

It is just him doing Michael Silverblatt's actual speaking voice.

I hope you did not feel that I was doing a Jesse Thorne.

No.

You know, the one piece of acting sauce that I put onto that meal,

ice-cold peanut butter.

I realize that all professional public radio reporters choose a very specific way to pronounce their name.

Do you know what I mean?

So it's like, I'm Silvia Pagoli, which is, it's not a funny way of pronouncing her name.

She has an accent, but you understand what I'm saying.

There's always that very specific way.

It's like important to your identity, and you do it every time.

So you get into a pattern, a way that you do it sort of like when terry gross says fresh air fresh air right exactly it's a kind of signature and so i made a really big point of of having an audio signature uh signed off said

and i am augustu clementine

in any case let me say this about peanut butter when things are cold they have less flavor the molecules are moving more slowly therefore there is less aroma therefore there is less flavor profile if you don't like the taste of peanut butter then by all means keep it in the refrigerator because you are dampening the taste of peanut butter.

In my opinion, and I believe my opinion is correct one, peanut butter is meant to be kept out, just like regular butter.

And what is more, I have left all kinds of peanut butter out on the shelf, all natural, oil on top, chunky, creamy, fresh.

At no point did I ever get sick or did it ever go bad?

Maybe because I'm eating all that peanut butter within an hour.

If I have peanut butter in the house, that's how fast it'll go.

You know, obviously consult your doctor, but there's no meaningful risk of spoilage, no meaningful risk of illness.

I would say putting it in the refrigerator decreases flavor profile, and it also makes it inconvenient to spread.

It's no great sin, my dear bailiff Jesse Thorne, for you to keep peanut butter in the refrigerator if that's how it fits into your workflow.

But, Christopher, in this case, your wife is correct, and you are wrong.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket this week.

And Judge Hodgman, we actually have someone on the line with a case for this docket clearing.

What?

We never have people on the line for a docket, Jesse.

This better be a very special occasion.

It is a very special occasion, John.

You know this litigant from your days at Brookline High School.

Everybody in the world, this is my old high school friend, Jonah Gevellber,

whom I do not think I have spoken to since Graduation Day, 1989,

when I said to you, Jonah, goodbye, not forever, but for 30 years.

And here it is.

It came true.

I was just going to say, John, that I actually, we were in my parents' house a couple months in June, I guess,

I was there with my older boy, and I read what you wrote in my yearbook, and it was something to the effect of goodbye, but see you again soon.

And here we are, not seeing each other, but communing.

Joni of Albert, you have at least one child that you refer to as boy.

How many children do you have?

I have two boys.

And do you have a spouse in your life?

I do indeed.

And what have you been doing every day for the past 30 years?

That's such a good question.

Let's start.

June 29th, 1989.

What did you do?

And you want me to run through every day?

I would hope so, yes.

You know, this is actually going to segue into why I've reached out to you, but what I've done, and I assume you mean professionally, because that's typically what people mean when they say, what have you been doing?

But anyhow, so I have been a stay-at-home father since 2000,

I don't know, seven.

But the reason that I needed to reach out to you is because I know that you deal with

issues of, I guess, universal import.

And I've encountered one, which is that

I am much cooler than my boys think I am.

And

I thought you would be a fantastic person, John, to litigate this because you've seen me in action.

I mean, I really was something else.

You were, and clearly you still are something else.

So how old are your sons?

17 and 14.

And they used to think I was really cool, but, you know,

not anymore.

When your kids are little, it's like you're famous.

You know what I mean?

It's like you're a famous person.

And then when your kids get to be 17 or 14,

it's sort of like, yeah, were you on those Apple ads about 10 years ago?

Sad you haven't done anything since then.

But I don't even have that to fall back on.

John, are you telling me that you can't just tell your kids that you once met Patrick Warburton and shut down any worry about whether you're cool or not?

Meeting Patrick Warburton is a cool thing for a person to do, for you to do, Jesse?

For you to do, Jonah Velber.

Have you ever met Patrick Warburton?

I've never met Patrick Warburton, but I would be so much richer.

My life would be so much richer for it.

I have met Patrick Warburton, and the first time I told my children, they actually each individually wrote a poem about how cool I am.

Jenny Velbert, while it is normal, right, for kids to not think that their dads are cool, and while this is a podcast that celebrates the inevitability of cool persons' degradation into weird dad territory, while this is universal, you are asking me to say that you are the single exception.

Yeah, you know, I wasn't sure I wanted to go there, John, but I'm okay with that.

That I'm the unique example of the dad who has somehow bypassed weird dadness and just really is cool.

What argument are you making to your kids to point out how cool you are?

All right.

Like, I'm trying to think of cool things.

Like, when they were babies, you know, we didn't do lullabies, but I used to rock them in their arms to Jay-Z and to Notorious B.I.G.

and to Shaggy and other rap music.

They now love rap music.

So I think I should get them respect for that.

I get no respect for that.

Wait, hold on.

Did you just say

Jay-Z, Notorious, V-I-G, and Shaggy?

I did.

I know that other three don't really fit together because Shaggy's sort of been left behind where the other two are still prominent.

Well, I mean, Shaggy has that new album with Sting that he made.

I mean, I could go on.

There are other rappers who, you know, of import, but the reason I mentioned Shaggy is because that was really particularly soothing for the boys.

I don't know why.

With no disrespect intended towards Shaggy, who's obviously a talented musical artist, he's not the first name I would pick if I were making a list of cool music.

No, no, no.

I'm just trying to be real.

All right, they're not buying that argument.

And my bailiff laughed at that argument.

Give me another argument.

Okay, my second argument, and John, you may remember this.

You may not, because it's not necessarily been that much importance to, say, your life.

You fell out of a tree and had your spleen removed.

I remember that.

Yes, no, no, no.

But that's not the the whole accident thing i haven't gone there but um i mean they know about it but i haven't asked for their respect in that particular arena although i'm happy to talk about it but it's um my success with with the ladies in high school i i had i had a girlfriend as a junior and then uh two as a senior not at the same time but my point is i have an understanding or had of, you know, how one might want to approach the ladies.

I try giving my boys any advice and they think I'm absurd.

But you want to know something, Jonah?

Yeah.

Like you and I have not kept in touch,

but I remember that you had a girlfriend in high school named Camille, right?

I did indeed.

And you know what I learned in the past couple of years by accident?

What'd you learn?

She's a Scientologist now.

No.

Really?

Oh my God, that's so funny.

I know she's like an actress.

That's kind of upsetting, I guess.

At least a few years ago, she showed up on one of the Scientology news sites that I follow that follows Scientology, and she was in an ad for Scientology.

I'm like, oh, that's Camille.

That's who Joan was dating.

So that's pretty cool.

You can say to your sons, hey, I dated a future Scientologist.

I'm going to.

I'm going to come with that tonight.

I feel like that may be the angle that's been missing.

You know what I mean?

Because the other thing I was going to mention, them, is how, you know, I was listening to you guys the other day when you were talking with LeBar Burton.

And, John, you mentioned how you knew the grand magus of the Church of Satan.

We're acquainted.

I know.

But what I mean is that I feel like there's a depth.

Like a lot of people are like, oh, I know this guy, I know that guy.

But

to know the leader of the Church of Satan, that's quite

an acquaintance of your...

Oh, yeah, for sure.

I always drop Peter H.

Gilmore High Magus of the Church of Satan's name when I can.

I have his email, of course.

So your third argument you're going to make, and then we're going to get to my ruling, but the third argument you're going to make to your sons is, I went to high school with a guy who knows the head of the church of satan

no that i see i think of that as like sprinkles on the sunday i was wondering and i've actually tried this on them about you know the whole humming and beatboxing and i and i told them your your father not only can do this i did this in front of in front of a large audience twice in a day and got rave reviews And somehow, the humming and beatboxing doesn't really appeal either.

Well, I was going to ask you, can you still hum and beatbox?

Because Because I remember though you beatboxed and hummed at the same time.

I remember when it happened in the SWS Common Room on the fourth floor.

I remember you're like, watch what's going to happen here.

And I remember collecting my brain from the walls because my head was exploded.

Yeah,

it was a pivotal time.

Do you have other cool skills from 1984, like Super Rad BMX moves or something?

No, you know, I learned to hum and beatbox because I thought I was going to try to get on David Letterman's stupid human tricks.

And I thought, well, I don't really have any tricks.

So I aimed low.

And then I sort of perfected my low, I guess, my low aim, so to speak.

Okay.

Jesse Thornton, this was literally almost 1984.

Like, this was in 1988 or six or seven when, you know, in Brookline, Massachusetts, this was, this is a big innovation.

Jonah is making an argument for why he was cool in 1987.

And I don't doubt that Jonah has an argument for why he was cool in 1987, but his children, ages 17 and 14, were not even alive at the time.

I think I need to hear an argument for why he's cool in 2019.

Well, can you still hum in beatbox, Jonah?

I can hum in beatbox.

All right, do it now.

Do it.

That's a little bit, John.

Is that good?

When the Saints go marching in, right?

Yeah,

that's 100% the Saints go marching in.

You're a proponent, Jonah.

You're a proponent of the real golden age of hip-hop.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah.

1924.

Yeah.

All right.

Your first argument was...

You sang cool songs from your youth to your kids as a young parent.

I rocked them in my players while we listen to them.

While listening to it, right.

Okay, that I'm going to tell you right now, that doesn't make you cool.

That makes you every dad on earth.

It's like,

I'm going to put this cool song from my youth into my child's head because I'm not down with this, you know, wheels on the bus, itsy bitsy spider.

Here comes Shaggy.

You are not revolutionary.

Every dad does it.

It's a wonderful impulse to share the culture you grew up with with your kids.

That's great.

And you had good taste.

I don't care how many bailiffs laugh at you.

You had good taste.

You introduced me to a lot.

You introduced me to KRS1.

Of course.

Okay, so there.

Two, telling your high school age sons that you actually had girlfriends in high school.

That's not cool.

The border's a little on creepy.

No, that's a little weird.

Okay.

You know, that's what my wife says.

Yeah, I wouldn't go around bragging about dates you had in high school.

For sure.

Saying that you are six degrees of Church of Satan.

That might be my strongest argument now, John.

I've decided.

I changed my whole argument.

Yeah.

In fact, you're three degrees of Church of Satan, which is really pretty good.

Yeah.

That's okay, cool.

The beatboxing and humming, I was thrilled to hear it, but that's just a nostalgia trip for me.

And nostalgia is the most toxic impulse.

So all of your arguments fail on their face, Jenning Velber, except for two things.

One,

you beatboxed and hummed for a podcast audience of tens of numbers.

I don't know.

I don't know what our listenership is.

You did it and you're not afraid.

No way.

I embrace it.

The other thing is, you're a stay-at-home dad.

The coolest thing in the world.

Being a stay-at-home parent is awesome.

It's an incredible experience for both child and parent.

If it's possible to do in your life, I envy you.

I envy you, Joni Gavilber.

I stayed at home a lot because I was, you know, un or marginally employed and usually self-employed.

So I got to spend a lot of of time with my kids.

But I envy you, Joe Navilla.

I've often dreamed of just being a stay-at-home dad to your children.

Weird, isn't it?

So you tell them

that Judge John Hodgman thinks you're cool and that Judge John Hodgman used to be on some TV ads and that he and Jesse Thorne know Patrick Warburton and if that's not cool, nothing is.

And you know what they're going to do?

They're going to roll their eyes.

They might not though.

I mean,

I feel like like if anyone comes out cool from this particular interaction, it might be you and Jesse.

Somehow it'll elude me, and I don't know why that is.

It's a little sad.

No.

If we are as to the Beastie Boys, you are ad rock.

And that is the coolest, highest honor that I could bestow to anyone.

So I'm really glad you called in, Jonah.

I think you're cool.

It shouldn't matter whether your kids think you're cool, and it's a shame that your sons don't realize you are a cool dude.

This is the sound of a gavel.

I got to hang up and move on.

All right.

Great talking to you, John.

Great talking to Jesse.

Bye.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll hear a case about telephone charging habits.

You know, we've been doing my brother, my brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back.

It goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's Learn Everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined.

No, no, no.

It's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Long.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Five.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket and we've got something here from Kelsey.

My boyfriend Andy constantly checks my phone's battery percentage.

He usually responds with a tisk, tisk, tisk, a head shake, or a pained cry, oh, he's dying.

Andy thinks failing to keep one's battery at maximum charge is not only irresponsible, but cruel to the poor phone, who must endure the trauma of a near-death experience over and over again.

He runs to plug it in like he's hooking it up to life support.

I do try to stay charged, but I have an erratic schedule that can keep me away from the office for hours, and when my phone does die, I'm quick to hunt out the nearest public outlet.

If you rule in my favor, Andy Andy doesn't get to squeal about my phone battery anymore.

If I lose, I vow to fully charge my phone every night, carry around the external battery he got me, and never go below 20% except when camping.

Except when camping.

That's the only time you actually need it.

Jesse Thorne, do you have a habit with regard to charging your phone?

Do you have a workflow?

This must be like that thing where some people like to get to the airport really late and some people like to get to the airport really early.

Yeah, and sometimes they travel together like me and John Roderick.

My experience is that

I plug my phone in when I go to sleep.

I unplug it when I wake up.

It's 2019

and I have never run out of batteries.

It's never been a problem.

I'm utterly baffled by people who take it to the edge.

I don't know how they even make it to the edge.

I'm utterly baffled by people who are obsessed with people who take it to the edge.

And I'm completely confused by people who are obsessed with keeping it at 100%.

It's a binary thing.

It either is on or off.

You know what I mean?

Like all you have to do is keep it above 1%.

One time, John Roderick and I went to the airport, and

I like to get there really early, and I like to get on that plane first.

And John Roderick, who's a man of much greater stature, he should be the mayor of Seattle.

We all agree.

Yeah.

He is the mayor-in-waiting of Seattle.

The Dowager mayor.

But

like you, Jesse Thorne, he's a tall, lanky person who doesn't want to spend any more time on a cramped airplane than he can possibly spend.

So one time, out of a gesture of friendship on my part, and I think psychological mind games on his part, he convinced me.

to wait to be the last person on the plane.

The two of us would be the last person on the plane that we were boarding together.

And I've never been the last person on the plane.

And I thought my heart was going to explode.

Even now, thinking about how long we waited in the gate to board that plane, I'm like, I'm getting flush.

The plane's going to leave without me.

I am similar when it comes to the phone.

Like, I am not as laissez-faire as you are.

There's a lot of battery checking in my life and in my house.

Because, you know, I will run a battery down going down an Instagram, covering a Lego Hulk with Golden Putty rat hole.

I will wear a battery down checking and redouble checking the route that I'm taking in a car or on foot because I don't trust myself to remember the intersection where there's the recording studio that I've been a hundred times before.

I do worry about the battery when it's at 30 and certainly at 20%.

I really start to get nervous.

So I sympathize with boyfriend Andy and I empathize with boyfriend Andy.

But like you, Jesse, it isn't really, never really happened that the phone has just run out.

Partly because I'm of an always be charging mentality and I always plug in when I can, but in regular use, once you get pretty low, you know to just put the phone away and enjoy actual life.

So I'm going to side with Kelsey.

And in the same vein as people like what they like, people feel about this the way they feel about this.

And Kelsey can manage Kelsey's own power management.

You know, there's an issue as well with regard to what's good for the phone.

You know, the woman at the AT ⁇ T store, when I got my first cell phone, told me, don't charge it up again until it was fully drained because it's worse for the battery.

That was 15 years ago or whatever, but I still think about that.

That's no longer true for modern batteries.

Oh, it isn't?

Okay.

But I still have this 15-year-old battery.

I'll say this.

I went on an internet and I saw a Tech Republic.

I don't know who they are.

But they said, you know, keeping it in the 40 to 80% range prolongs the life of the battery.

Maybe that's true, maybe that's not.

But I think science and my bailiff, Jesse Thorne, and even I are basically saying, chill out, Kelsey's boyfriend.

He is not dying.

The phone's pronouns are it and it's.

It is not a he.

It is not a living thing.

It's going to be fine.

It's not even a thing you would normally anthropomorphize, like a boat or a stuffed animal or a Lego Hulk.

This Lego Hulk that is getting draped in golden putty right in front of me can't breathe.

But that's because it's inanimate.

It's going to be fine.

Here's something from Greta.

We heard from her in the docket episode, episode 424, Barbecuties.

Her dispute is with her father.

She complains that when she watches TV, her dad has a tendency to watch along from the foyer.

Right.

They would all watch TV like on the couch or a love seat, and dad would kind of hang back and like peer around the corner nervously, right?

Yeah, and say stuff, like complain about the show from over the shoulder and eight feet behind.

It was very unusual.

The specific thing that he would complain was that he said her shows make him nervous.

Right.

And so I asked, what shows does she watch that make him nervous?

Are they scary shows?

Are they, you know, what are they?

And so what did she say?

This is what she said.

My dad's hallway shows are mostly sitcoms where someone is about to get in trouble.

Yeah.

In other words, sitcoms.

Sitcoms.

Right.

Her dad is upset by comic misunderstanding.

The anxiety extends to situations where the stakes are social or emotional, like in shows such as I Love Lucy, Seinfeld, and Bob's Burgers.

Three shows that are almost interchangeable in how alike they are.

He's perfectly comfortable watching the carnage and poor decision-making on display in Band of Brothers or Dunkirk.

Yeah, well, of course, all dads love watching those things.

That's like putting Br'er Rabbit in the briar patch.

He likes the shows enough to hold him there, but presumably stands in the hall so that he can make a quick and quiet getaway if he senses any oncoming secondhand embarrassment.

The number of television sitcoms that are not animated by uncomfortable social situations.

Right.

Like, I guess there's episodes of happy days where like a stranger comes to town and threatens to beat somebody up, but that's about 1% of sitcoms.

Almost everything is there was a comic misunderstanding that caused social unrest.

It's not a lot of physical threats in sitcoms.

Sounds like a very disturbing episode of Happy Days.

Yeah, well, you'd be surprised.

You know, one thing I will say, the Parks and Wreck, very sweet sitcom.

It was not a situation where you were, you know, as they call it, cringe comedy, where you're watching someone about to be humiliated or humiliating themselves a lot of the time or putting themselves in social awkwardness.

It makes people nervous.

And they were so sweet because even though they never invited me back on the show, they referenced my character later on.

Like I still lived in that world.

I didn't get any money for it, but it was nice.

I actually, John, I don't know if you know this, I actually wasn't cast in it at all.

What?

I thought everyone got a shot.

No, I was on Comedy Bang Bang once.

Maybe that's what you were thinking of.

Yeah.

And oh, and of course, you were a voice on Archer on FX.

I have not yet been cast as a voice on Archer, which seems strange.

No greater injustice have I witnessed than this.

I thought by now for sure.

How many cast members of Archer has Terry Gross put on NPR?

Maybe John Benjamin's been on, so one.

In my case, the answer is all.

Archer, get with it.

Give Jesse Thorne a voice roll.

There's a version of Archer still on, right?

Yeah, Archer's picked up for two more years.

One time I went to lunch with them and played apples to apples.

Yeah, they should have just recorded you playing apples to apples and made that an episode of Archer.

The other thing about Greta was, I understand, like for her dad, some of those sitcoms to him feel like watching a TV show about me waiting till the last minute to get on an airplane.

Just nerve-wracking.

But the other thing about her dad that she mentioned was that he has, quote, high-stakes hobbies.

And I wanted to know what those high-stakes hobbies were.

Did she give us any of that information, Jesse Thorne?

It includes, but is not limited to, power tool repair, scuba, tree surgery, winter scalloping, sword collecting, skeet shooting, duck hunting, and a general interest in diesel mechanics.

And she also adds that she would like to add to the list antiquing for art pottery and vintage stemware, both of which items are very breakable.

Oh, I didn't realize that her dad is John Roderick.

John Roderick, host of Friendly Fire on Maximum Fun, as well as other podcasts, get them.

I sympathize and I empathize with her dad.

I understand why this makes him nervous, even though he's a sword collecting, skeet shooting, duck hunting winter scalloper.

Social awkwardness makes him feel awkward, but you either get in that room and watch the show or you leave the room.

Hovering like that just makes everyone feel awkward.

That's my re-ruling, I guess.

I hope it's consistent with what I originally said.

There's a postscript on this that says, about 10 years ago, I saw John Hodgman at the Wagon Wheel restaurant in Gill, Massachusetts.

I didn't say hi, but it's one of my best stories to tell at parties.

Oh, I wish you had said hello, Greta.

It's okay to say hello to me, you know, unless it's obviously intrusive or I'm, you know, in an awkward situation of myself or having a meltdown at an airplane gate because John Roderick is bullying me into not getting into my seat as quickly as I would like.

The docket is clear.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

This week's episode, edited by Jesus Ambrosio.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H O and check check out the Max Fund subreddit at maximumfund.readdit.com to discuss this episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJHO or email Hodgman at maximumfund.org.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

And I am August Umbutu Clementine.

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