Double Histameanor

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, double histaminer.

Britton files suit against her boyfriend, Jackson.

Britton is allergic to cats and avocados, but won't cut them out of her life.

Jackson's worried about her health.

He says she should stay out of contact with allergens.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference.

This is an obscure cultural reference, but it is in the form this time and for the very first time in the history of Judge John Hodgman podcasting.

It is in the form of a riddle.

So listen carefully, litigants.

You have to answer this riddle.

What do you get when you cut an avocado into six

times 10 to the 23rd power pieces?

What do you get when you cut an avocado into six times 10 to the 23rd power pieces?

Think it over while Bailiff Jesse Thorne is swearing you in.

Britton Jackson, please rise and raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

So help you, God, or whatever?

Absolutely, yes.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he is allergic to injustice?

I do.

I do.

Judge Hodgman, you may proceed.

You may be seated for an immediate summary.

Judgments in one of yours' favors.

Can either one of you answer the riddle and or name the cultural reference that I made as I entered the courtroom.

We'll start with you, Britton.

What's your guess?

Oh, no.

I was so unprepared for a riddle.

What were you prepared for?

I don't nothing.

I did not have answers prepared.

Oh, okay.

Me neither.

I'm going to say

the word algebra.

Algebra.

That's it.

What do you get when you cut an avocado into six times 10 to the 23rd power pieces?

I love that answer.

Algebra, and that's it.

Good guess.

Solid guess.

I'm putting it in the book.

What about you, Jackson?

Well, that's a terrible guess.

It's clearly trigonometry.

Trig, and that's it.

And that's it, yes.

Trig or nothing.

I'll put that guess in.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, do you have a guess?

My guess is guacamole.

Oh.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, you have answered the riddle correctly.

What led you to that conclusion, Jesse?

I'm a native Californian.

Very good.

Obviously, there is an avocado theme to this case, and this is an avocado-themed riddle.

And if you determined that this riddle was not very funny, you are correct.

So, like you, Britton, I was stumped vis-a-vis this cultural reference because this case involves the fact that you are allergic to cats and avocados, which kind of feel like you picked out two random tiles from a bag of nouns.

And I literally had nowhere to go but to type into a search engine quotes about cats and avocados.

And the only thing that came out that was anywhere close was this stupid riddle printed in meme font over a cat sitting at a chemistry desk wearing glasses.

And a bow tie.

And a bow tie.

Right, exactly.

This is terrible.

This is the worst.

I don't know what the source of this meme is, and I'm using meme in the latter-day sense of just a funny photo of a cat with funny words on it, but it was the closest thing I had.

Nor did I understand the riddle, nor did I think it was funny.

And I had to go to a friend of our podcast, Jonathan Colton,

the musician musician whose latest album, Some Guys, is just out now, and it's wonderful.

But he's also a science guy, and I said,

what am I missing here?

Is there a science component to this?

And he wrote back saying, yes, it is a joke about Avogadro's number, Avogadro being a mathematician, which is a quantity, and Avogadro's number is roughly a six with 23 zeros, or six times 10 to the 23rd power.

And it is a quantity known, perhaps, as a pun on Avogadro, as a mole or a mole.

That still doesn't, look, we'll post this dumb riddle on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page and the show page at maximumfun.org.

It still doesn't make sense, but it does, at least it's closer.

Britton, Jackson, what's the beef here?

What's the guacamole?

Well, it's a multifaceted issue here.

Probably not.

Probably it isn't.

Let's try to keep it simple.

It's been a long day.

Start with one facet and we'll move on from there.

And the beautiful diamond of argument that you are cutting.

Yes.

A beautiful girlfriend of mine, Britton, four years.

She has two severe allergies.

Yeah.

And that is avocados and cats.

Two things she loves very dearly and two things that cause a lot of allergic reactions, a lot of pain.

And it's a very distressing problem for me and those who care about her, her friends, her family.

A crisis would be a stretch, but it is something we do, we are worried about.

Okay, and do you live together?

We do.

We do.

We've lived together

for three and a half years.

Oh, wonderful.

And where do you live?

We live in New Orleans, Louisiana.

Fantastic.

Laissez-lais bon-e-roulet.

That's my motto.

What's the motto of New Orleans?

It's hot all the time.

It's hot all the time.

And muggy.

Are you guys native Louisianians?

No, no.

We are both college students.

We are both from Albuquerque, New Mexico originally.

Oh.

So did you meet in college or did you meet in Albuquerque?

We went to high school together.

We were band nerds.

Nice.

What did you play?

Co-presidents together and I played flute and Jackson played bassoon.

Bands have presidents?

Yes, co-presents.

Well, our band did.

Wait a minute.

Was there always co-presidents?

Or was this some...

This was set up to settle some dispute between the two of you?

No.

This is a very interesting dilemma.

So I'll decide.

The year before we were co-presidents, I was vice president.

Britain wasn't in elected office.

So essentially what happened was we, you know, we were both wanting to be president.

I was vice president.

I had the qualifications.

And we both ran and there was a tie in the college of band students and it was like 24 votes to 24 votes.

And I recognized that perhaps cooperation would be great.

So I went over to the band director before we were dating, of course, and I said, you know, co-president sounds great.

Why don't we do co-presidents?

And Britton agreed, and we were co-presidents for a full year and became very close friends.

And I asked her out shortly after that.

But the election was on my birthday.

I think that's really important to say.

Why is that important?

I think that Jackson should have given it to me as like a gift.

That's her day.

Got it.

And the power sharing arrangement, other than your deep resentment, Britton, the power sharing arrangement worked out well.

There were no major trade wars that you had with other bands.

No, no, no, no.

I'd say it worked out as well as it could have.

And that's how you guys fell

in special friendship?

That's how you fell in love?

Yes.

Yes.

We became very close friends.

And at the end of the year, she was about to go to college.

And I asked her out a couple weeks before graduation.

And then you ended up going to the same college?

You followed her there, Double Reed?

Okay, this is also complicated.

So I went to school originally in Des Moines, Iowa for two years,

and I hated it, and it was really sad.

And Jackson went to Tulane in New Orleans a year after me.

He was a year younger than me.

So he went to Tulane, and I was like, I have to transfer.

I'm so sad.

And so I applied to a whole bunch of places.

And

it came down to money because college is very expensive.

It certainly is.

And so the university here offered me more money than a university in other places.

And so I came here.

But it wasn't for Jackson.

And I need people to know that.

Important distinction.

Did you try breaking up so that you could have your own independent life and so that people wouldn't think that...

Interesting question.

It never came to that.

We like each other.

We enjoy each other's company.

Absolutely.

She's my best friend.

Right, but you're trying to kill yourself with cats and avocados for some reason.

I need to get to the bottom of it somehow.

Tell me about your allergies.

Is it just cats and avocados, and why those two random things?

And are you allergic to t-shirts that have a picture of an avocado with a cat face in the middle that say avocado?

Oh, no, but I should get a shirt like that just to spite Jackson.

Ouch.

I would say that my cat allergy is more severe than my avocado allergy.

With avocados, my lips just get numb, but nothing else really happens.

And so I don't feel like that's like enough enough to justify me getting rid of avocados.

And with cats,

have you ever seen a cat?

No.

What is it?

They're like this animal, and they have ears and they have like fur and they're very cute.

Oh, okay.

And they meow,

they go, they meow, meow, and it's like their own communication with humans.

They don't meow to each other.

So they just want human attention.

And I want to give that to them.

Thank you very much for straightfacedly explaining what a cat is to me.

You're welcome.

It was hard.

They meow.

No, excuse me.

They meow meow.

That was my favorite part of that moment.

And do you have a cat?

Jackson has three cats at his parents' house in Albuquerque.

And then in New Orleans, I have

halfway adopted the neighborhood cat.

I've named him Patches.

And I feed him, but he does not come into our house.

That is not true.

And he has a collar, so he clearly belongs to someone else oh okay so he's not feral and you feed patches we're out on the backyard or something

uh on the front porch uh patches comes and meows at the door until i come outside and give it treats

and then uh and you say that patches does not come into the house but uh jackson you you sort of disagreed there

Yes, yes.

So Patches, as a rule, doesn't come into the house because we have roommates, one of which is also very allergic to cats.

But one time when the roommates were out of town,

Britton opened the door and let Patches inside for a while.

It was raining.

It was drizzling.

And so I just think, you know, Patches doesn't come in all the time.

I just think saying that Patches never comes into the house, that's a gross exaggeration.

I wouldn't say gross because it was only once, and he was inside for like two minutes.

So how does your allergy to cats manifest itself?

I haven't determined what kind of cats cause my allergies or not because it's very hit or miss.

Sometimes when I pet cats every once in a while,

I would say that my eyes get very, very red and tears uncontrollably stream down my face and I break out in hives.

Sort of like me when I watch Babe Pig in this city except for the hives.

No hives for you.

That's lucky.

So you don't have a difficulty breathing.

It's not a life-threatening allergy.

It's a discomfort allergy, would you say?

I would say so.

Jackson is narrowing his eyes at me, but I would say it's not life-threatening.

The worst it's ever been, my throat was just itchy, but it never closed up.

I'm still alive.

Let's take a quick break and hear about another wonderful show provided to your ears by maximumfun.org.

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Court is back in session.

Let's return to the courtroom to hear more of the case.

Well, you send in some evidence,

and we'll put these photos up on the show page at maximumfund.org and on our Instagram at judgejohnhodgman.

And the first one is this photo.

What am I seeing in this photo?

I see you, presumably,

and then you're holding something, and then there's something next to you with a hat.

Oh, that's patches.

Patches is what you're holding?

Yeah, we're on the front porch, I believe.

So that's what a cat is.

Okay, I got it now.

I got it.

Oh, I see.

It was part of your bit.

Whoa.

All right.

You know,

it's not only cats that say meow.

Sometimes humans imply meow.

The claws are out.

Along with the hives.

You scratched me bad.

Yeah, sorry it was part of my bit.

It is so aggressive.

I'm so sorry.

I would never call out a bit like that, John.

Are you sure that you're not having some kind of weird allergic reaction now?

Are you on an antihistamine that is causing you to take greater risks?

Or maybe you have toxoplasmosis?

I hope that my abrasiveness doesn't affect your judgment.

We shall see.

So, this is an adorable photo.

Sorry about my bit being confusing

of the two of you, and you're holding Patches, who looks to be a very adorable, maybe even a Maine Coon cat.

Kind of got that big, majestic ruffs around his or her or their neck.

So very characteristic of a main coon cat.

And here's another picture of you petting a local cat named Creamsicle.

I named it Creamsicle.

Okay, you don't know who owns this cat either?

No, it's always in front of the same house.

Okay.

How many neighborhood cats are you threatening to kidnap?

Those are the only two that I see on a consistent basis, but there are some other like orange cats around.

Okay.

And then there are more pictures of more cats here.

Some delightful ones of Jackson in your bed that you share in Albuquerque when you're back in Albuquerque.

Yes.

With his cat presumably who is rookie.

Yes.

Very cute.

And another Albuquerque cat, Teddy, on the couch.

And then there's Rookie again on the dining room table.

And Rookie seems to be perched over like a stuffed animal, like a stuffed.

a stuffed monkey of some kind.

Is that right?

Is that

correct?

Jackson is.

I don't know if it's a monkey.

It is a little stuffed monkey, and the little hands you put on like a cup or you put on a different cylindrical object, and the monkey hangs off.

So it's extra cute.

And then, oh, here's another one.

Tallulah, quote, doing nothing wrong, but I don't want her to feel left out.

And she looks very handsome as well.

So

what are you showing me with this evidence that has been submitted?

Jackson says he claims that he cares about my health.

And yet, he lets his cats lie down in our bed without changing the sheets.

And Tallulah, I didn't get a picture, but she leaves giant tufts of fur on my side of the bed.

Jackson has made no effort to try and minimize my allergy attacks when we're home in Albuquerque.

I see.

So supposedly he cares about you,

but he hasn't done the right thing yet and put his three cats into a sack and drive them out of town and leave them somewhere to keep you safe.

Yeah.

Right.

Jackson, this does seem to be

a little bit contradictory.

If you are concerned, I mean, what is your concern, first of all, about Britain's health?

I'm just concerned.

She gets very sick.

It becomes a whole night thing.

She gets very sick, doesn't want to eat, you know, becomes very lethargic, wants to go to bed early, doesn't feel good.

And her throat doesn't get numb.

It gets a little closed off.

She has a hard time breathing.

That's not something I think was mentioned.

Well, I asked her about that specifically, and she did not say that that happened.

She said she's short of breath.

So I'm just concerned.

It's not fatal.

It's not incredibly dangerous, but I genuinely am concerned about her being sick.

And it's just, she just doesn't feel good.

Yeah, I got it.

But if you are so concerned, sir, why are you letting Tallulah tuft all over her side of the bed?

Why aren't you taking precautions to clear those cats out?

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

That's a great point.

You know, if I know.

If being around cats was, or being around hair was the the thing that made Britain sick, I would absolutely agree.

But what makes Britain sick is directly interacting with cats, putting cats in her face,

getting really, you know, so rookie, for example, is the one that really gives her a lot of allergies.

And she really likes to pet Rookie, likes to be around him, and then feels sick.

So, you know, it's not necessarily just the presence of the allergen in the house.

It is the fact that the cat is, you know, she picks him up.

She cuddles him.

S pets him.

She really, really loves touching cats.

That's a very big facet, I think, of my argument here is that what really causes the allergic reaction is the aggressive handling of the cat.

Let the record show that Jackson has submitted photos of his beloved girlfriend written getting hives.

Yes.

Yeah.

Describe what I'm seeing here and why you chose to share this, not only with the podcast, but the entire community at the Instagram account of Judge John Hodgman.

Absolutely.

I just think it's very critical for yourself to see that the allergies aren't minor.

You know, it is visible.

It is painful.

This isn't just a minor allergy.

I sneeze.

It's more serious.

Have you tried taking an antihistamine, Britton?

I have taken Zyrtec,

and I don't think that it helps, but also I hate taking medication in general for no reason other than laziness, I guess.

And I've tried Benadryl as well, but it really knocks me out and it makes me feel very sick.

Yeah, no, that's heavy-duty stuff.

I will say my parents have allergies.

We have Zyrtec in the house, and every time she gets sick, I do offer to grab some Zyrtec.

My parents offer, but the offer is repeatedly turned down.

So we'll offer to actually pick it up and get it for her.

We have it in the house.

We'll bring her the water and the medication.

I just don't really see the point in taking medication if I'm already in the middle of an allergy attack.

I might as well just ride it out because it'll make me stronger.

Are you a doctor?

No.

I just don't know how to evaluate that claim that you are inoculating yourself to the allergens by going through the discomfort that you feel.

It might be true.

I don't know.

I don't mean necessarily that going through the allergy attack will take away my allergies.

I just mean that it makes me a tougher person.

Have you ever gone to an allergist?

No.

So your

perception of your allergies is basically just what you've experienced in life.

It's like, oh, throat's numb, can't breathe.

It's got to be the avocado.

Well,

I can always breathe.

It's never gotten to that point.

But yes.

When we discovered the avocado allergy

maybe like a year ago, I would say,

because I'd always noticed that my lips get pretty numb, and that time it was really bad, particularly.

And I was trying a new brand of store-bought guacamole.

And I had always just assumed that it was the salt and chips.

Right.

Do you have health insurance?

I used to not.

And then we recently,

my parents recently got health insurance, but I only have health insurance in New Mexico.

And at this point in time, I am very rarely home in New Mexico.

Do you not have a health plan through your university?

No, my university has some bad things happening to it.

Oh, okay.

We will not get into that.

Suffice it to say, Jaguar attack.

I was going to presume that it's a Louisiana-based side campus of Miskatonic University from the H.P.

Lovecraft Universe.

And I was going to say Cthulhu attacks, but it could be both Cthulhu and Jaguars.

No, it's alligators.

Is it really?

No.

Don't joke about alligator attack with me.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what's going on down there.

You got to be very excited for a second.

That's very fair.

I'm very sorry.

You know what they used to call avocados?

Alligator pears.

I'm not joking.

Okay.

Because you're being marauded by Jaguars that have little avocados dangling around their necks.

The university's budget is strained and therefore cannot offer you a health plan there in Louisiana, correct?

Right.

They just can't offer me a very comprehensive health plan, so I can get like basic things done, like I can go get a strep throat test but they could never do allergy tests or anything like that.

But that is something that you could avail yourself of in Albuquerque if you wanted.

Yeah.

Right.

And when you go to Albuquerque you're staying with Jackson's family?

Yeah, I usually stay over at their house just because

My parents gave my room immediately to my little sister when I moved to college.

And we live in a very small house with a lot of kids.

I thought you were going to say, I usually go over to Jackson's house because my parents, after I moved out, filled my room with guacamole.

Just to keep people away.

Numbers.

We just didn't know you were coming back.

Well, I guess between this and the cats over there, the cats are less of a risk.

If it helps, honey, we covered the top in lemon juice so it wouldn't go brown.

So how often do you go back to Albuquerque?

I would say probably three to four times a year.

Britain is actually going back to Albuquerque pretty soon as well.

Yeah, it seems like it's a part of your life.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

That's where both of our families are from.

It's very important.

And Britain, you know, just so that I understand, like, Jackson says that it's not the cat's fur that's left all over the bed and all over the couch and all over the counter.

and dander, but it's your getting up in rookie and tallula and other ones face that is causing the problem.

Do you dispute that or do you agree that that's true?

I don't really agree with what he's saying, but I mean, I don't really, I don't think we have a way of knowing exactly what's causing it because I always pet cats, but I also, I also always lie down in a bed with cat dander.

So.

What's the worst reaction you've had, either with a cat or with an avocado, or a cat smeared in avocado?

I would say that my worst reaction,

I'm sure Jackson submitted it.

There's like a picture.

Sorry, that was my impression of Millennial Alf.

I think I am pretty sure he submitted it.

There's like a picture of me with my eyes really, really red making a pouty face.

And that's like right at the beginning of an allergic reaction.

And then after that, my whole face swelled up and I got home and my eyes were swollen shut.

And

my roommates

had to help me sit down.

I would say that's the worst it's ever been, but that's the only time it's ever been that bad.

Eyes Swollen Shut is a meaningful allergic reaction

and also a little-known sequel to Eyes Wide Shut by

Stanley Kubrick, although he did not direct it.

It was actually directed by Uve Boll.

That's serious stuff.

How did they, aside from helping you sit down, which literally seems like the least they could do, did they help you get some medical attention or take some medicine?

Or how did it resolve?

Yeah, I took one.

I don't know what it was.

I think it was probably a Zyrtec.

I took a Zyrtec and then

I went to sleep.

And then I woke up the next morning and my eyes were a little bit less swollen.

How long was it before you felt 100% again?

I would say like the middle of the day the next day.

Whoa.

But notice, I did not die.

This is taking a real turn.

Oh, no.

Well, mostly I was like, you know, let a person scratch a cat.

If they get a little runny eye, a little snotty,

then that's a transaction that they're making with the cat and they're paying the price that they're willing to pay.

But eyes swollen shut.

That's heavy.

That's heavy stuff.

It was only one time.

Why do you think it happened that one time and not every time?

I was cat-sitting

like two pretty fluffy cats that weekend.

So this was,

I want to lie, but I can't lie because I'm under oath.

Yes, that's true.

That reaction probably happened three or four hours after I went over to that house.

Those cats in particular were out to get you.

There's one more piece of evidence that I need to understand what it is.

It's a picture of you feeding a goose.

Britton?

Yes.

Yes, I did submit this.

So I submitted this.

You know, Britton loves animals, but she doesn't always have the best judgment of when to pet an animal or what animal to pet.

And, you know, this was, we were taking a little road trip and there were some geese outside of our

hotel and Britton wanted to pet one.

So she chased it around.

And then she, I think the specific picture that you're seeing is when she got some bread and was feeding one, but she fed them for the purpose of petting them.

And she did...

pet the goose but the goose was very aggressive i just think it's important to know that her judgment surrounding certain animals and when to pet them is a little into question here.

Yeah, you can't pet a goose.

These are nasty.

They're mean creatures.

But I did pet a goose.

This is kind of one in a series.

Hang on a sec.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute, Jackson.

I just don't want you to talk over the incredible moment of pride that Britton expressed when she said, but I did pet a goose.

That's something I got to stand behind.

You set out a goal.

You set out to pet.

We're not talking about cats anymore.

We're talking about,

we may need to bleep this out because this is a family-friendly podcast.

We're talking about the

of the animal kingdom.

Geese are the worst.

It was good.

It was sat right next to me.

It was plucking bread out of my hand and I

ran my hand down its back.

And did you get an allergic reaction?

Of course not.

No, you're not allergic to goose or goose down?

No, but maybe I didn't pet them long enough to find out.

Well, I'm just something that might inform my verdict and my sentence.

all right jackson what's happening here what uh why

i know i know and so this is

fun let her have fun well so okay i just i would like to say this is one in a series of incidents with animals um

one time she was bit by a dog that there was a suspicion that had rabies uh because she was she was petting it um

And so I just, it's one of several different incidents.

The same incident with the goose.

She also threw bread at the geese.

Look, a brave, brave soul, but the judgment I don't necessarily know was really there.

People throw bread at geese.

That's not a crime.

But do they hate?

It's pointless because you'll never get geese to like you.

That is true.

What is your real fear that my...

I mean, obviously the allergy fear is a concern.

What would you have me order if I were to find in your favor?

You know, there's a few things.

I think one, maybe...

you know, me and Britain can go to an allergist and see, you know, what the allergy is.

Maybe it's a certain type of cat you know maybe the avocado allergy isn't an avocado allergy i do believe it is uh just so we can get the facts straight and then we can you know make our next move you know i know nowadays what they have medications you can take that you know shots or medications that get you used to cat allergens you know i want i love cats britain loves cats we love cats together i want that to work i just don't like singer in pain i like singer sick you don't want to put britain in a bubble oh maybe you do maybe she should go in a bubble boy bubble

And she'll be safe forever.

If you rule that way, I'll have to abide by your ruling.

Britton, Jackson just wants you to get some medical attention,

consultation, and a plan in action so that you not only will avoid life-threatening or at least eye-closing allergic reactions.

But also maybe it sounds like transitioning to having a cat in your own home so you don't have to be creeping on all the neighborhood cats.

And also the dogs that might be rabid.

Well, the dog wasn't rabid, to be fair.

I don't have rabies.

No, I understand.

Jackson brought that up for no reason.

But you understand that going around and petting a bunch of animals that don't belong to you, whether they're dogs or they're geese or they're the neighbor's cats or whatever, we're rolling some dice there.

You could get a rabid dog at some point.

You could get accused of being a cat thief in the the neighborhood.

You can get a rep.

Would you like to have a cat of your own, or are you just into playing the field, as it were?

I definitely want a cat someday, and I also want a dog.

What's your dog allergy situation?

My dog allergy situation is non-existent.

Dogs are great, and they love me, and I love dogs.

So why aren't you getting a dog?

Why don't you have a dog today?

Oh, my roommate.

Andrew Lewis,

refuses to let me know.

First and last name.

He refuses.

You're out there doxing doxing people to get a dog.

He deserves it.

He says that we're too irresponsible to get a dog.

And I say that if I can take care of Patches, the neighborhood cat, I can take care of a dog.

But that's, I'm sorry, that's a different dispute.

So wait a minute.

You guys live together, right?

But you also have a roommate.

Is that what's happening?

Yeah, so we live in a, we live close to campus.

Me and Britton share a room, and then we have two other roommates.

And we live in a three-bedroom house.

Yeah, and so of the four roommates, three out of the four say we should get a dog.

One out of the four does not.

Oh, would this be Andrew Lewis?

Andrew Lewis of Virginia.

Oh, Virginia Andrew Lewis?

Yeah.

Of the Virginia Lewises?

Yes.

Well, you can't get a dog in a shared apartment unless there is unanimous consent.

Yes.

Did you take a vote on a cat as a possibility?

Andrew Lewis of Virginia, who is blonde, is very allergic to cats, so he claims.

Britton is also blonde, I would like the record to state.

This is a comedy fake justice podcast, not a eugenics podcast.

Let's not worry about it.

I just wanted to circle back really quickly to this medication thing.

Yeah.

Because I've done a lot of research on getting shots, which is what Jackson is suggesting I do.

And

shots are very expensive.

The odds are not that great that they'll work.

And you have to go get a shot every single week for months.

And there's no way I could do that because I'm not in Albuquerque for months at a time, ever.

Right.

So what would you have me rule if I were to find in your favor?

I just think I should be able to pet cats and eat avocados and deal with my allergies.

I would find it fair if Jackson and my roommates wanted me to stop complaining about my allergies because I think that that is probably

underneath all of this their main qualm.

Oh, is that what's going on, Jackson, that she complains too much?

No, no, not at all.

I'm okay.

I'm totally, she's in pain.

I want to know.

I want to know how I can help.

Quick question.

Do you guys intend to get an apartment or home situation of your own without roommates sometime in the future?

I mean, I know that you're young and you're in college and everything else, but.

Yeah, we do intend to get an apartment or

hopefully eventually a home after we graduate and, you know, maybe after graduate school.

But do hope to live alone in a few years what are you guys studying i'm an english major uh with a political science minor good and i study i'm a history major with a philosophy minor and an africana studies minor well maybe an apartment might be in your future i'm not sure about a freestanding home with history and english major ouch sorry Look, if Apple Computer hadn't come to the rescue, I'd be living in a hut.

I went to UC Santa Cruz.

When you graduate, they issue you a yurt.

I'd be living in a tiny home in my parents' garage.

So I'd just pull that right in there.

Pull my minivan in there and sleep in the back with my family.

Oh, so it's not a tiny home, it's a minivan.

Yeah, it's a minivan.

I call it a tiny home, but it's really a Chrysler Pacifica, which is where I'm going to go right now.

I'm going to climb into my mobile chambers and

think this over.

I'll be back in a moment with my decision.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom.

Britton, you filed suit.

How do you feel about your chances?

I don't want to be too confident, but I do want to say that I had notes and Jackson did not.

So I think my argument was better.

But I do think that I may have ruined my chances by admitting that my eyes did swell shut once.

That was a mistake.

Jackson, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling pretty good.

I think my argument

is on on pretty sound logic.

And

I thought the questions that the judge asked were very much directed towards Britain and her position.

So maybe that means something good for me.

But, you know, I'm ready to accept the judge's verdict.

Pretty confident for a guy with no notes.

Thank you.

Although, to be fair, as Shakespeare once wrote, you may do it extempore, for tis nothing but roaring.

She's the English major.

Shakespeare.

Wow.

Yeah.

Whoops.

You might consider a different major.

I have very little interest in Shakespeare.

Whoa.

Can I tell you a secret?

Yes.

Do you also have a very little interest in Shakespeare?

I went to theater school for four years, and I think Shakespeare is super boring.

Oh, thank God.

I thought you were about to say that you loved Shakespeare so much and you were really offended.

We'll see what Judge John Hodgman has to say about all this and the Bard of Stratford-upon-Avon when we come back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict.

You may be seated.

So,

you know, my time for consideration was limited.

So it may be that there is a Shakespeare quote regarding allergies, but I was not able to find it in the time allotted to me.

I also did not have any notes.

Today was a bit of a seat of pants flying flying day for me due to a project that got me here to my chambers a little late.

And so we just had a nice conversation.

Both Jackson and I thus were winging it.

And I don't think either one of us were well prepared at all for the incredibly derisive zingers that Britain was going to throw our way, my way in particular about my bits,

nor the withering disdain for Andrew Lewis of Virginia, or equally withering hatred of the bard of Avon.

Britton is a person of strong opinions and obviously strong will.

And I appreciate why she might bring Jackson to this court to stop motherhenning her with regard to her love of animals and her agency over her own body, hives, and swollen eyes.

That that is the price that she is willing to pay to get her face up in the face of a cat.

Now, Jackson, if it were the case that you were honest and truthful and could say,

the truth is,

Britain just complains about this so much, it's so annoying,

then that could be construed as damages unto you.

There could be justice that could be done in your favor in this regard because

she is submitting to willingly to discomfort for her own pleasure, but then making

inconveniencing you with a bunch of whining and moaning about it after it was her own dumb fault to begin with.

But you're too nice a guy.

You know, I understand co-band presidents don't like to snitch on each other.

You're too nice a guy to say that she complains too much, even when she gave you that opportunity.

That would have given you some standing for me to find in your favor.

Britton, you claim that you are handling your allergies and that you should be left alone to handle them.

And I would say this.

True,

but I don't think you're really being responsible with your own body.

I don't think that this is a life-threatening allergy.

You're saying, I tried a a Zyrtec once, it didn't work.

I don't want to take medication.

I want to have a cat someday, but I don't want to go to the doctor, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

You know, I get it.

You have strong opinions.

To you, allergists are the Shakespeare of the medical community.

Bleh, who cares?

Overrated.

I agree with you that as someone who

was absolutely treated to every allergy shot I could get when I was growing up.

All the allergy tests were done upon me.

My, that almost sounds like Shakespeare there, all the allergy tests were done upon me.

My skin was pricked by many a test needle.

And yet, and yet,

nothing could cause the allergies to disperse my humors,

except time.

and inundation of dander.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good Faked Shakespeare.

A little bit.

No rhymes.

Don't talk to me about any pentameter.

Eventually I got over it.

I got used to cats.

And so I have owned many a cat with Nari and allergy problem.

But do I keep a supply of Zyrtec on hand?

Yeah.

Do I think that having antihistamines on hand proactively, especially if you're going over to a house sit two white fluffy cats?

Yeah, you should take those precautions.

And what's more, though I don't necessarily feel, and I appreciate your not only unwillingness, but the sheer inconvenience of going through,

you know, a course of allergy shots to try to get over your cat allergy, I don't think it would be of harm.

And indeed, I would encourage you to, next time you're in Albuquerque, get thee to an allergierie

and

just talk about what's been going on and seeing what that doctor might recommend.

to A, see if there's something you could take prophylactically so that you can enjoy these cats without having to worry about it.

And B, whether or not you should have like an Epipen with you in case you should ever have a really serious allergic reaction that you did not expect.

You know what an Epipen is, I'm sure.

It's a self-stabber with a medication in it that gets you over that throat swelling and eye swelling stuff.

I think those would be reasonable precautions as an adult that you should take.

And yet, because it is your body and it is your life,

I am not ordering you to do these things.

I'm just suggesting that you consider it strongly,

not only for yourself, but for the peace of mind of Jackson, who obviously cares for you and does not want you to suffer and worries.

If I were to find out that my loved person had their eyes swollen shut, I too would be extremely worried.

And I might even ask very seriously for some action.

So I am finding in your favor, Britton, that you should be able to live your life as you like, as riskily as you wish, presuming that you've already been infected with toxoplasmosis, the cat mouse poop bacteria virus.

It's a virus, not a bacteria, sorry, that causes people to act irrationally.

and erratically and go up to cats all the time to get near them, even if and especially if they're cats they do not own.

But that said, I think you can fight your instincts and be a responsible human being, if only in consideration to the person that you love.

But that is a strong suggestion and not an order.

And Jackson and Britton, I hope that you guys get a place of your own soon so you can at least get away from that cad.

Andrew Lewis of Virginia.

Oh, the Virginia, Andrew Lewis.

I hope you get away from that guy soon and replace him with a beautiful cat of your own.

Maybe a Sphinx cat.

They don't have hair.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules out as all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the court.

Britton, how do you feel about the result?

I feel great.

I feel a little

attacked by the judge, but rightfully so.

I said some inappropriate things to him.

You scratch me, I scratch back.

Come on.

Absolutely.

The claws are out, and so are the hives.

I completely admit that it is my fault.

And yeah, I'm happy just because I told Jackson very confidently that I was going to win and I did.

So, ha.

Ha ha.

In conclusion, I pet a goose.

Ha.

There's this one root song where they go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And whenever someone says, ha.

That's all I can think of.

Jackson, how do you feel?

I think the judge is correct.

And Britton's correct, absolutely.

It's her body.

She's got to make the choices.

I would feel very uncomfortable if the judge, in fact, ordered a specific medication or, you know, it's her choice.

I felt that his additional conclusion to, you know, think about, you know, the being responsible adult and taking medication was a great, a great piece of that.

But I'd absolutely agree.

I was very confident.

It stings.

But, you know, you learn, you learn.

You fall down.

You pick yourself up and you learn.

So I feel pretty good.

I feel pretty good.

Jackson, Britton, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books.

Before we dispense Swift Justice, we want to thank Matt Crocker for naming this week's episode Double His Demeanor.

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This week's episode recorded by Thomas Walsh at WWNO Radio in New Orleans, who, let the record reflect, totally got the avocado guacamole joke.

Our producer is the great Jennifer Marmer.

Now, Swift Justice, where we answer your small disputes with a quick judgment.

Are you ready, Judge Hodgman?

I am ready.

Thea says, when I have a cold or flu, my partner insists on sleeping with his head next to my feet, and vice versa.

He says this will protect him from germs.

I think it's ridiculous, and it kind of hurts my feelings.

By the way, we share our bed with a 10-year-old pug who routinely sneezes on one of us or the other.

I don't like any of this.

This bed sounds gross.

I don't think it is fair to stigmatize your partner

when they are feeling sick by shoving your feet in their face.

I think that under extreme circumstances, you know, it would be fair to give the sick person the bed and go and sleep on the couch or something.

But I feel like there's just something weird and aggressive

about

putting your feet in someone's face.

And I know that sleeping head to toe is something that's been done for many a year.

Most famously in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

Yeah, right.

I mean, well, that's the thing.

Like

having four people sleep in a bed in the middle of your one living space, it's just like that's something you have to endure.

It's not a good idea.

It's just something you have to get through until you can get that sweet class elevator money.

Everyone does, you know, what we want, what we deserve in life is a little bit of dignity when we go to bed and we're at our most vulnerable.

And if possible, you can, you know, have a comfortable place to sleep that's well heated.

It's one of the great, unfortunately, a great luxury for many a human being on this earth.

Shoving your feet in your beloved's face, not affording them dignity.

And I might encourage Thea to purposely get athlete's foot and just rub it in his face the next time he does this.

But maybe a better thing to do is, if you're afraid of getting sick because your partner is sick, feel compassion for them.

Maybe you can wear a mask or maybe go sleep on the couch.

And as far as the pug is concerned, I'm sure your little snot bucket is delightful, but that's between you and you and you guys.

I don't want to hear about your pug drooling on you all night long.

That's gross.

That's about it for this week's episode.

Submit your cases at maximumfund.org/slash JJ HO or email hodgman at maximumfund.org.

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Apparently.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

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