Classic Friendaround

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm guest bailiff, your favorite Gene Gray, filling in for our friend Jesse Thorne.

We are in chambers this week to clear the docket.

Gene Gray.

Hi.

My favorite Gene Gray.

Oh, man.

Mine too.

I'm so glad you're here.

Me too.

My name is John Hodgman.

We've met before.

Is it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You've been the guest bailiff on this program before.

90 times.

And we have a lot of fun together.

But right now, you know, we're both miserable.

It's New York City.

It's hot.

I'm miserable outside, but like, this is a great break during the day.

I have been in Maine all summer, except for when I came back to enjoy a certain party that you threw.

We can talk about that.

Now I don't know if we can talk about it or not.

Don't put a picture.

Jean Gray got married, you guys.

Yay!

Yay!

She is still married.

I'm still married.

She got married on August the 3rd or the 5th.

The 5th.

The The 5th.

The 5th.

I should remember that because I was there.

You should remember it because you officiated the wedding.

I officiated the wedding.

Now, look, Gene,

as I am a fake internet judge, a lot of people think it would be hilarious for me to officiate their wedding.

Right.

And as I mentioned on the day of your wedding, because it was mostly about me.

It was.

I mean, in my sermon.

I mean, it was two hours just of origin stories.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Brookline, Massachusetts, 1979.

I'm waiting for Empire Strikes Back to come out.

I'm playing with my 2XL.

No, but people will say, Judge John Hodgman, would you officiate our wedding?

Because we think it would be hilarious if you would do it.

And I always say, your wedding is not a joke.

It's not a joke.

And I don't want that responsibility.

It's a real thing to marry a person.

Yeah.

Or two people, even.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what, everyone.

If you're going to get married to yourself, I'll officiate that.

If there's anyone else,

I'm sure they are.

It's a very big deal, especially for women who are like, I'm just going to hold my own ceremony and marry myself.

And I'm like, that's awesome.

I would actually still do that.

Women out there who want to marry yourselves as a symbol of your self-empowerment,

if you need a straight white dude to say it's okay and come and officiate, I'll do it.

Can you do double efficient?

What's that?

Can you do like double?

Double efficient to marry yourself.

Because I would do it.

Oh, yeah.

We will marry you.

Only if you're getting married to yourself.

Right.

And gender is not, it's a construct, so it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

You don't have to be a woman.

You don't have to be a man.

You don't have to be a non-binary, whatever you are.

You have to be a person.

You got to be.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

That's fair.

That's fair.

Let's narrow it.

A human being.

Yeah.

But anyway, we'll come into it because that's cool.

$35,000.

That's all I have to say about it.

Each.

Yeah, right, obviously.

We're two people.

Sorry, single person.

An hour.

We're each different people.

So.

But I never wanted the responsibility of marrying someone because A, it's heavy responsibility.

It is.

And B, it's a lot of work.

Yeah.

When everyone else gets to just hang around and eat hors d'oeuvres and chit-chat and whatever.

But I could not say no to Eugene.

And I'm so glad I didn't.

It was a wonderful, wonderful ceremony.

It was amazing.

It was also so hot.

Right.

We thought it was going to rain.

Right.

And it ended up being the exact opposite of rain.

It was like we had the sun imported to sit on everyone's shoulders.

It was, yeah.

And it was weird that you got all those heat lamps and had people hold them over, especially the older people.

It was a little bit much.

Yeah.

It was only the elderly under the heat lamps.

But you did such an amazing thing.

Oh, that's very good.

People cried.

I thought they were sweating from their eyes.

It was that, too.

It was hard.

I didn't know whether it was tears or sweat at a certain point.

And we were like, well, this is as bad as the summer is going to get.

Yeah.

We were wrong.

We were wrong.

It's still hot.

I'm back from Maine here in New York, where you live.

Here together at Argo Studios, face to face.

And it's nice and cool in here but it's bad and hot outside yeah

and so it's just like oh this is one of those days where

you know Jesse Thorne is away he's at podcast up fronts yeah so you know my boss is gone so this is we're gonna clear a docket we're just gonna have a it's gonna be a classic uh friend around we're having class outside as it were but we're having it inside where it's cool i'm not gonna fudge around no no fudging

so

with that said yes gene how are you?

I'm good.

Good.

It's hot.

It's hot.

Don't like it.

I don't like it at all.

It's New York pea hot.

Meaning what?

Like, my thing is that I say when you walk outside, it feels like a mouth.

Yeah.

Like you're walking into a mouth.

But New York summer is like, it's not like nice summertime.

It's just like hot smells everywhere.

I stepped outside with my son today in Brooklyn, New York, and he said, I don't like this at all because I don't know where

I don't know where my body ends.

Oh, like, and I'm like, yes.

That's such a good description.

You feel totally permeated by this awful heat.

You feel, it's like you're walking in.

I was like, you say a hot mouth.

I was like, I feel like I'm walking through a mist of flesh.

It's gross.

Welcome to the new podcast.

It's based on the movie Heat, but all we do is talk about how hot it is for an hour and a half.

We could probably host an incredible

two-hour-long meteorological podcast.

Oh, let's discuss that.

We can discuss that later, though, but I'm going to put down a list of other podcasts.

The weather.

Podcast Cash Crabs.

Gene and John Read the Weather.

But instead, we don't have two hours.

We have.

I was just informed by super producer Jennifer Marmor that this podcast usually lasts about 50 to 55 minutes.

We got to move it along.

I had no idea.

Yeah.

I don't listen to it.

You don't even know.

Normally, when we record it, each podcast, the recording takes

two days.

It's a really no, the litigants have to be there for, I'm pulling it.

Is that like a slumber party?

It's well, it's more like a sleep deprivation torture test.

Oh, that's nice.

Do you do a air battery?

That's how we get so deep.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, no, that makes sense.

Yeah.

So we'll be in the studio with the litigants normally.

And the studio, of course, is stainless steel, and we're all nude.

And we'll be talking and getting to the bottom of it for like 19 hours.

What's the temperature in there?

It varies dramatically.

I feel like that changes the nude and the stainless steel.

It goes between 50 50 and 109 in a slow oscillation.

How big is the room?

It's not a room.

It's more of a low hutch.

It's more of a low hutch in a decommissioned military cargo plane that is constantly circling the Earth.

Is there any point where it spins like a centrifuge and the floor drops?

Yeah, yeah.

No, it's definitely like how they filmed Apollo 13.

It becomes a vomit comet pretty quickly.

Yeah, we do a lot of anti-gravity stuff.

Well, I'm glad we're here today instead.

Yeah, no, this is a nice treat, honestly, because normally it's a 19 to 24 hour process.

In the first eight to 10 hours, we tell them we're recording, but we're not.

And then we really, then we're ready to get into it.

This is just for us.

And then we edit it down, apparently, to 50 to 55 minutes.

That's a big job.

But today it's just you and me, and we can easily fill up two hours just talking about this.

But why don't we get into the justice portion of this justice podcast?

Should I just jump right into it?

That's absolutely what you should do.

Believe me, when you jump here, you will hit the ground because this is not

an anti-gravity simulation.

All right.

Who comes first before me seeking justice?

Gene Gray.

Well, here's something from Jane.

An acquaintance recently invited me to a party.

In an effort to be helpful, a few people reached out and asked if they could bring something.

The host said that they will not be providing food or drink at this party, but they also did not specify anywhere that it was a potluck.

They said offering the space and hosting was their contribution to the party, so it was on the guests to bring their own.

I asked the judge to order this person to stop hosting parties unless they are willing to provide for the guests.

Merely inviting several people over to your home to enjoy your space with no food or drink cannot be defined as a party.

Instead, it is some kind of sad, awkward social hellscape.

Well, Jane, I mean, what can I say?

I can't order this person to stop hosting parties because as you point out, they are not hosting parties.

Yeah.

They are leaving their door unlocked.

They're renting out a pop-up shop.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

Pop-up venue.

Yeah, but you have to bring your own furnishing.

Do they have, I wonder if they have furniture there?

I don't think so.

Right?

It's really just an event.

It's an event space.

It's an event space.

Gene, you know how to throw a dinner party, a wedding party, all kinds of parties.

Obviously, Jane's acquaintance, I mean, it doesn't even bear.

Discussion almost

wrong.

Isn't that not right?

Well,

I have strong feelings about this.

Please.

So this person is wrong.

Even when people are like, should I bring anything?

I'm always like, not really.

Unless there's some sort of, I don't know, we're having like a long thing.

And I'm like, I don't know, bring more wines.

Like, that's always nice.

Right.

But I think that they're terribly wrong for doing this, but you can't tell anyone else what to do in their home.

So I'm like, how about you just don't go?

Oh, you're saying it's on Jane.

It's on Jane.

Jane should be like.

Well, then I don't want to go to that.

I'm not going to go to that thing.

Right.

If you don't like, well, Son, then turn it off.

Like, don't go.

But we agree that Jane's acquaintance.

Oh, no, it's terrible.

That's like...

That's dumb.

Jane's acquaintance, if you're within the sound of my voice.

Yeah.

If you like Jane and you're inviting Jane over to your empty space for a classic awkward standaround,

a classic, awkward, empty-handed standaround.

Jane doesn't want to go to that.

That's not gracious of you.

No.

What is the minimum that that someone would have to offer to a guest in order for it to be a party?

All the alcohol.

Drinks.

Yeah.

Or non-alcoholic beverages.

Or just whatever beverages.

A child's birthday party.

If it was a child's birthday party.

No, you still have to have alcohol for

the parents.

I was just going to say, you have, you know, your birthday.

You got to have moonshine.

Yeah.

You got to have Everclear.

Oh.

You got a Goldschlager.

24 bottles of Goldschlager.

Are you saying these because those are required for a child's birthday party or it just falls under all the alcohol?

Yeah, Yeah, just it's it's in there.

That's just okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But one or the other.

You got to provide one or the other.

Unless,

unless they live in a mansion.

What if their place is just amazing?

Right.

And people just really like being there in that space.

Sure.

I remember when I moved to New York in the early 90s, we all lived in little tiny pods, if that.

I shared an apartment with my friend Adam Sachs.

This sounds like a body body-snatching situation.

You guys were in pods?

Well, I mean to say very small enclosed spaces.

Pods.

Pods.

That's right.

So where's the real John Hodgman?

This is the first time you bring it up.

Still in Adam Sachs's basement.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, but like Adam Sachs and I shared an apartment that was a basement apartment and it was a one bedroom insofar as it was a tall room with a balcony and that balcony was the bedroom.

Yeah.

And then and then like a mezzanine.

Right, exactly.

It wasn't a bedroom so much as a bed mes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so I had a bed in the living room and he had a bed in the ostensible bedroom.

But it was a panopticon.

We could just see each other all the time.

And so to be in a apartment, for example, that had real rooms was an incredible novelty for which we would pay almost any price.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Someone was having a party in like their cousin's uncle's like loft or whatever.

Yeah.

I would go and I would not expect anything to be served there.

But that was because we were in our 20s over the 60s.

That's a a young thing.

If you want to be a grown-up and you invite people over, I don't care.

You know what, Gene?

I don't care how great

long those spaces are.

I was trying to offer something up.

There's no way I would ever host anything at our apartment and not offer either food or beverages or both.

Right.

That's not.

As we know from Game of Thrones in the world of Westeros, you have to offer bread and salt.

And once they accept it, then that is the pact that you're not going to kill them.

Yeah.

Unless it's the red wedding spoiler alert.

Yeah.

So, yeah, you have to reassure your guests that you're not going to murder them by offering them bread and salt at the very least, and maybe a rosé or whatever.

Maybe a rose.

Yeah.

Maybe a nice cheese with the pros.

But the cheese, I think, is necessary.

I think you've got to have a cheese.

And then once you're into the cheese, you're like, well, now I need kind of a,

now I need a prositel, and now I need a project.

You know what, Gene?

What do you think?

A fig jam.

I'm actually doing one for your appetizer boards these days.

What do you put out for the future?

Well, I'm going to do one one for my friend tonight,

but it also has to involve the fact that two of us are keto.

So there are things that we have to rule out.

But cheese.

I just need to explain to the people at home what keto is.

So it's high fat, low carb, no sugar.

Yeah, right.

So there's like a lot of dairy, a lot of meats.

So cheeses and meats are great.

Right.

But, you know, learning that there's like carbs in everything, so there's certain kind of, like I would normally put some sort of an almond or something on there, but we've got to rule that out and go to like macadamia nuts now.

Whoa, what?

Yeah.

You can't even have an almond?

We can, I mean, you can have them.

You just can't have as many almonds as I would have liked to eat.

Right.

And

I'm going to miss out on like a jam, like a fig jam, unless I can find a good sugar-free substitute.

And I did not make a fig jam.

So we're doing blackberries, prosciutto, some sort of other lovely cured meat,

and a range of cheeses and

macadamias.

And for her, I need to get a good Asian pear.

I really,

you know, it's a good crunchy sweet.

A custard apple?

A custard apple.

No, but I'm really into what is it?

The pink lady apples.

Oh, sure, right.

Yeah.

And a honey crisp is a really nice one.

Honey crisps are nice.

Lady Alice apples.

Is that a real one?

That's a real apple.

This is a very good apple.

Don't laugh at my apples.

Have you ever had a Queen Phoebe?

Write down apples for another podcast.

Just an apples podcast where we just list fictional apples.

Yeah.

Do you ever have a Jonathan Goldspur apple?

They were available on Food Kick, but only for like a week.

They come in season.

They're only there for a week.

Do you ever have a Gallo double thwap?

No.

No, they're good.

Yeah.

Jesse Thorne,

you know, is always talking up the custard apple.

I think that is a fictional apple.

Basically, he says it's an apple.

The flesh is the texture of custard.

That's

sounds great.

That's like a flannel apple.

I don't want that.

Yeah,

a flapple?

Yeah, flapple.

Yeah, it's disgusting.

All right.

So that's not on your book.

Yeah, some nuts, some cheeses.

So nuts and cheeses, some good character.

Some cowards.

It's about textures and bitterness and sweetness.

Right.

You know.

Hors d'oeuvres is the best meal.

It's very important.

Oh, I do a great,

I missed this.

I've learned how to make keto soft pretzels.

I started doing that.

How in the world is that?

It's a long process.

It's not really a lot.

There's a lot of almond flour and there's a lot of mozzarella cheese

involved anymore.

I'll make some for you.

And you could be like, this is trash.

Or you will eat it.

You know, all right, so also the hors d'oeuvres podcast.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

John and Jean eat hors d'oeuvres.

Olives.

First course with Gene and John.

Yeah.

But I mean, the point is, hey, Jane's acquaintance, this is fun.

Like, hosting a thing is fun.

It is.

You think about, like, oh, you know what's good?

These olives.

Oh, I had that thing.

Someone at another party put out this kind of charcuterie or whatever, this kind of salami or whatever.

Get some cotton candy grapes.

What are you doing?

Yeah, it's fun to be generous.

It really is.

And being generous with an empty room that has no wine or cheese in it is not the same thing.

It's not.

So, yes, two orders then.

Yeah.

Jane's acquaintance, stop doing what you're doing.

You're wrong.

Jane, boycott that empty room until this this person gets it together.

Petition.

This is the sound of a gabble on that one.

Moving on.

Oh, it's my coffee.

Thanks, Ivan.

Ivan at Argo Studios has just brought me my coffee.

And Jennifer Marmor, I order you to keep this in.

Jesse Thorne's away.

It's hot outside.

Can you drink some hot coffee?

I don't know how you're doing.

All the rules are broken.

Night court.

Right?

So it's crazy.

Judge John Hodgman Night Court.

All kinds of crazy characters wandering through.

Ivan Hargo Studios.

We're having coffee.

All the rules are broken.

It's just a little different this time.

All right.

What's happening with Tom?

Tom from Brooklyn, Maine.

Tom from Brooklyn, Maine.

You're very familiar.

I am.

Do you know Tom?

I do know Tom.

Okay.

But I will not recuse myself.

All right.

All right.

We'll get into it.

All right.

This is Tom's issue here.

I had some beautiful coffee mugs made displaying the logo for Cafe Schmetterling, which is my imaginary establishment based on a hilarious and extremely memorable joke, I'm sure.

In Tom's opinion.

I'm sure.

I give these mugs to friends such a good idea whom I like, and they are coveted by all.

In Tom's opinion.

The other day, a woman who I like, but is not a friend to whom I'd given a mug, asked what cafe Schmetterling referred to.

She bought one of the mugs at a recent moving sale run by a wedded pair of friends who I am no longer certain I like.

Beef!

They had received the mug from my wife and me.

I'm actually not surprised and somewhat amused by this.

So let me understand this.

Tom makes these mugs that say Cafe Schmetterling.

Based on a joke.

Based on a joke.

And he gives them out

to people that he likes.

And someone he knew to whom he had not given a mug comes in and goes, what's Cafe Schmetterling?

I bought this at a yard sale.

And he realized that someone he had given the mug to sold it.

Reon.

I'm actually not surprised and somewhat amused by this, but others in our small town are offended on my behalf.

Really, y'all.

Really, y'all.

Yeah.

Including my wife, who's also friends with the couple that sold a mug.

Yeah.

Should I go?

Everyone has a right to be upset with the creeps that sold Tom's mug?

Sure.

Should I continue with this grievance?

Should I celebrate their departure from our town and post sentries at the borders?

Or should I simply bring them the same mug as a host and hostess gift the next time they invite us to dinner?

Can I just start by answering that last question?

Of course you may.

No.

Yes.

Tom.

What?

They didn't want it.

If

I sell something and someone's like, oh, maybe it's like a sweater.

And they're like, I haven't seen you wearing it.

And I'd be like, oh, I don't know what happened to it.

And they're like, I'll just get you another one.

I'd be like, no.

Well, let's say, for example, that I gave you a sweater.

Uh-huh.

I don't like it.

Let's change it for a sweater.

Let's make it some bad person.

Okay.

A bad person gives you a sweater.

Uh-huh.

And you're like, I don't like this sweater.

And you immediately turn around and you donate to Goodwill or whatever.

Right.

And then that person sees someone walking around with the sweater.

Yeah.

And they're like, hey,

I noticed that you gave my sweater away.

Right.

And you're like, yeah, it just didn't fit.

I'm sorry.

I was too embarrassed to say anything.

No, see, that's not what I would do.

What would you do?

I'd be like, yeah, I hated it.

Oh.

I'm okay with confrontation.

What?

Yeah, I'm with it.

I'm like, yo, that was like a terrible sweater.

Did you not know that?

I really want to take you to task for that, but I'm afraid to.

Yeah, but I'm saying it's not a gracious thing to then go and gift the same thing again to the person who got rid of it.

It's revenge.

It's revenge.

Tom wants to torture these people.

I think.

Because I would have said, Tom.

Good solution.

Send them a case of dershader.

I was about to say, if he's going to do that, then he has to make a bunch of them.

Yeah.

Oh, he's got trust me he's got a few there i had a roommate yeah and i was in a situation i was selling the uh the apartment that i was in but kind of like uh in between because i was waiting on like you know for it to be sold so i i uh in the meantime got a place with the roommate yeah and uh there was some cheese in the fridge the second time we're talking about cheese it won't be the last i had probably about two slices of cheese and um as a person who was like cleaning that apartment it was filthy i always stocked groceries, bathroom items, whatever.

She complained about the cheese, like went off on me about the cheese.

That you ate some of it?

That I ate some of it.

And she was like, well, who's going to replace?

I'm like, we live like above an organic debt.

Just really?

Yeah.

It wasn't even great cheese.

It just.

You already said you ate two slices of cheese.

It was like Monterey.

It was a pre-sliced cheese.

It was like Monterey Jack.

So first off, what are you talking about?

So I was like, oh, okay.

I have a picture of this.

I'll send it to you.

Yeah.

I stocked the fridge with about

11 pounds of cheese.

Yes.

And she came back, like, she didn't reference it.

And I was just like, how's it going?

I was like, because I have to go out of town.

I was like, do you want to do something where we host like a grilled cheese event?

Or like, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do with all that cheese?

So I understand.

But if you're going to do that, then yeah, you're right.

Go all out.

Listening to Cheese Revenge with Gene and John, a new podcast spun off from the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Well, I mean, that's the thing.

It's like, first of all, cheese can be both a tool of generosity and vengeance.

I think 11 pounds of cheese is good.

This is not a critique.

Okay.

The only yes and I would offer to that is like get enough cheese so that nothing else can fit in in the refrigerator.

I wanted to.

They didn't have any more.

They didn't have enough cheese.

They didn't have any more.

And then one of my next, I was, I really started looking for a vending machine because I was going to put all of her items in it and make her pay for all her stuff to get it back.

I was in a place.

Don't two slices of cheese.

And now we're at war.

Now it's war.

Well,

I think we're going to take a break here.

Okay.

What are we saying to Tom?

Tom doesn't care.

Marion, his wife, is upset.

What's the joke?

We'll hear that after we come back from the break.

That's called a tease.

Teases and cheeses with Gene and John,

a new

one-time-only podcast.

When we come back, we'll tell Tom what he should do, and we'll hear the joke of Der Schmetterling.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

Let me ask you a question.

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Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

I'm still Gene Gray, and he's still John Hodgman.

And we're about to hear this joke, the Schmetterling joke from Tom.

That's great.

Yep, let's go.

A Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German were arguing over whose language was the most beautiful.

Can you just pause it for a second?

I just want to say that I always get really nervous when a joke starts like that.

Of course.

Okay.

Yeah.

Whew.

Absolutely.

All right.

Tom likes to destabilize you.

All right.

The Spaniard said, take our word for it.

Butterfly, there's no more beautiful word than mariposa.

And the Frenchman said, au concher, papillon is a far more beautiful word for butterfly.

And the German says, vas is wrong with Schmetterlink.

End of joke.

Did you catch it?

A Frenchman, a German,

and a Spaniard are having an argument over who has the most beautiful language.

The Spanish guy says, our language is the most beautiful, because listen to our word for butterfly, mariposa.

And the French person says, no, our language is the most beautiful, beautiful, papillon.

And the German says, what is wrong with der Schmetterlinck?

Come on, Jean, come on.

It's adorable.

I feel like it's more

of a comment

about

how language sounds

than

a hilarious.

I just want to mention that

this reads,

the logo for Cafe Schmetterling, which is my my imaginary establishment based on a hilarious and extremely memorable joke.

Yeah.

A joke.

Tom is dedicated to these kinds of jokes.

He is the

ultimate dad joker.

Yeah, yeah.

That's good that you brought that up.

I know him from the time I spend in Brooklyn, Maine.

He's a professional.

person in the insurance field of some kind,

a grown-up with a lovely wife and a grown daughter.

And every Sunday morning, he makes breakfast sandwiches at the general store.

And from time to time, I go in and make breakfast sandwiches with him, and I hear the jokes.

Yeah.

Tom also has a sailboat that's in the harbor.

It's more than the harbor in the sailboat called

Der Schmidterling.

No, the sailboat, it's written on the side.

It's called After You.

That way, like you can say, no, I get it.

I get it.

Hey, Tom, I get it.

Say, hey, Tom, I like your sailboat.

Hey, Tom, I like like your sailboat.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I named it after you.

Yeah.

I feel like I've seen this boat.

Because

I know I've heard the joke.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you've seen it.

When you were in Brooklyn last summer.

Yeah, because I remember that.

Yeah.

Now, that is a memorable joke.

Tom is also assistant chief of the volunteer fire department there.

No, no, listen.

I'm not saying that Tom isn't a great guy.

Weirdly, you're writing it down on a pad right now.

I don't understand.

And I'm drawing a picture, too.

Look, we have to entertain ourselves as best we can up there.

I get it, man.

Thank you.

So he makes these cafe schmetling mugs.

He gave one to a friend.

The friend promptly sold it at a yard sale.

He wants justice by sending them one of these mugs again, but we think he should send a case of mugs to them, right?

And how many mugs are they?

24.

24 mugs.

You know what that's called, Tom?

A punchline.

There's a sound of a gavel on that.

I love you, Tom.

Do we have something from Jason?

We do have something from Jason, and I'm really glad that you brought up dad jokes because it's a great segue into this.

Jason says, I drive my son to and fro, to and fro.

It doesn't say to and fro, but I wanted to say that.

Oh.

To and from his school every morning and afternoon.

We generally listen to news in the morning and music or the Judge John Hodgman podcast on the way home in the afternoon.

Inspired by something on the podcast or by the music, I will often tell spurious.

Really?

Spurious?

Spurious.

Can you look that up?

Yeah, look at that.

Can you look that up?

I'll keep going.

Spurious jokes or suddenly burst out in song.

My son rolls his eye, one eye, and asks me to please stop.

Just stop.

My son has requested that while you impose an injunction on dad jokes while driving to and from school, while I maintain that these dad jokes are an important and even vital part of of his education.

Please help!

In caps.

So first of all,

spurious

means

not being what it purports to be.

Well, these are interesting dad jokes.

I wish they were an example.

I want to know.

Of a joke that purports to be memorable and generally accepted as hilarious, but is not quite that.

Yeah, and that his son is like, maybe he's like, please, please stop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Dad jokes are a hard thing.

Yeah.

Because a true dad joke, the dad doesn't know that it's a dad joke.

No.

You know, they're not aware.

You know my famous story.

Yes.

I do.

When I went into the coffee shop and the young woman was wearing overalls.

That's how I died?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know it.

And I said, you deserve, I know I've said it on the podcast before, but maybe we have some new listeners.

It happens.

By accident.

Said, you deserve an award in the category of overall excellence.

That's good.

She said, nice dad joke.

And I don't think I've been the same since.

I didn't die exactly.

But I don't think like I hear my jokes now and I'm like, oh, that's terrible.

Yeah.

That's awful.

I have a husband.

Oh,

we really like his name to me.

Yep.

Thank you so much.

My pleasure.

Who is

a young old man?

Yeah.

And

really loves dad jokes and puns.

And I

don't know how this happened.

That comes to mind.

No, because it's just an ongoing onslaught of dad jokes.

He's not a dad.

I don't know why.

Can we get Quelly on the phone?

We could try.

Yeah.

I want to tell him this meddling joke and see what he thinks.

Okay.

Yeah.

And he'll buy joke books from like dollar stores.

And he's like, these are hilarious.

I'm like, what is wrong?

Like, I feel like your sense of humor is so great.

And he's very like quick and witty with puns.

And

so I've learned to have an appreciation for them.

But like, I think that that overall

joke is a great joke.

Hello?

Hey, Quelle, it's John Hodgman.

Who is John Hodgman?

I'm the host of a fairly popular podcast called the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm here with Gene Gray.

Oh, wow.

Hey, how are you guys doing?

Good.

How are you?

I'm perfect.

Listen, we were just talking about

dad jokes here.

And Jean was saying that you like them, and I do too.

And I wanted to tell you a joke, and I want you to tell me what you think of it.

I'm almost 100% going to love it, but go ahead and give it some.

So don't get nervous that it starts this way.

A German and a Spanish person and a French person are hanging around and they get into an argument over who has the more beautiful language?

And

the Spanish person says, Well, you know, we have the most beautiful language.

Just consider our word for butterfly, it's mariposa.

And the French person said, Well, that's a beautiful word,

but au contraire,

we have the most beautiful language.

Our word for butterfly is papillon, and it does not get more beautiful than that.

And then the German person goes, I don't understand what is wrong with the Schmetterlink.

Jesus.

Yeah, it was a great job.

Yeah, thanks, Quillie.

Goodbye.

All right, bye-bye.

No, no, wait, Quilly, since we have you on the podcast.

A, how have you been?

And B, what do you have coming up in late September, early October that you might want to tell our listeners about?

I've been fancy.

Should be more

another performance within the New York City limits by my with me and my band Austin Outer Space and a new animated video for an artist named Nick Davia that should be hitting the streets.

And where can we keep up with all the news?

The Quelle Chris News.

On the Googles and the social medias.

Yeah.

That was a good joke.

It's one that doesn't hold as much power

without delivery.

Yeah.

So it does take a certain amount of like special dad powers.

You know what I mean?

It's not an average dad can do that joke.

It does take someone with a little bit of

a little bit of.

Well, I do appreciate that because this is, I think, the ninth time I've tried to get Gene to laugh at the joke.

And

I've refined it, I think.

This is

good as I'm going to be able to tell it.

All right.

Yeah.

All right.

Quela, Chris, thank you very much for answering the phone.

All right.

Take care, strangers.

Okay, I love you.

Bye.

Bye.

I also love you.

Bye.

Okay.

Nice guy that you married.

Because you really liked the joke.

Well, I liked him before then anyway.

Well, you know, he's amazing.

But I also want to say that your delivery of that joke was very different than the way Tom told him.

Yeah, but you know, I laughed.

I really, when I was in the kitchen making breakfast sandwiches with Tom, I laughed at it.

How hard did he hit the Dairy Schmederland?

Because he do the accent.

Because you got to really.

I think, you know what?

I think, you know, he was reading it into his voice memos today at my request.

I'm going to say that was not the best delivery I've heard from Tom.

If you were in the room, because Tom has a sort of sleepy confidence that plays better in the room.

So, you know what?

That's a good tender bio.

You're listening to good bios with June Job.

That's a great one.

Oh, my God.

I have a sleepy confidence when I'm in the room.

Yeah.

Also, you and Quelle have your album, Everything's Fine, still available out there.

Yeah, which is an incredible, incredible album that I would say, even if I didn't have a small little cameo on it.

Yeah, yeah.

And on the next album, I hope you will remix my rendition of Der Schmidterling Joke.

It's the whole album.

Good.

What were we going to tell this dad whose son wants an injunction against dad jokes?

Is that fair?

No, it's not fair.

You can't stop dad jokes.

It's part of being a dad.

And it's part of being a kid to have to listen to dad jokes and then formulate your own in the future.

It is part of your vital education.

I will say that

a woman that I knew in high school,

Valerie,

was being picked up from

work at the movie theater where we both worked.

And she said to her dad, who was picking her up, hang on a second, dad, I got to go across the street to the bookstore and get a book.

He said, why?

You already have one.

Oh.

And I still think of that joke.

That's good.

And I heard that in my teen formative years.

And it was definitely corny, but very off the cuff.

And I've never stopped thinking about it.

You got to be quick.

Jason's son,

you know, just because I, on this podcast, have prohibited certain dads from making certain dad jokes, it is not because the jokes themselves are corny, i.e., I'll have the kung pao chicken.

It's because that dad was asking for the kung pao chicken in any retail circumstance,

including toll booths.

That's funny.

Yeah, but when he was doing it at non-Chinese restaurants, he was just confusing the servers.

And then felt they had to laugh.

Yeah, don't do that at a restaurant.

Yeah, yeah.

Then felt they had to laugh.

The only captive audiences that dad jokes can take advantage of are children in the car.

That is your job as a child to endure that.

I find in favor of Jason.

Sorry, Jason's son.

That's the sound of a gavel.

Well, we are still clearing the docket.

There's still some clearing to do.

We're going to move on to something that has nothing to do with spurious jokes or dad jokes or jokes.

Hannah says, eight years ago, I was gifted a cat by a now ex-boyfriend.

At the time I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo.

It's one of my favorites.

So I named her Mercedes.

From the time my.

You know what?

Spanish really is the most

beautiful language.

Mercedes.

Mercedes.

Mercedes.

From the time my husband Nick met her five years ago, he refuses to call her by her real name.

He refers to her as Professor Catface Myamers, which was based off of a spoof of Harry Potter called Wizard People, Dear Reader.

When people come to our home and ask our cat's name, I always tell them it is Mirfereth.

But Nick always tells everyone her name is The Face, which is a nickname from an already fake name.

I think he should tell people her real name, but he doesn't like the real name because it reminds him of the fact that I had another boyfriend before him.

Escandeloch.

Okay, there's a lot of levels that I need to unpack here.

First of all,

Count of Monte Cristo.

Is that a favorite tale of yours?

Let me tell you why.

And this actually goes back to the cheese.

Okay.

You're listening to Bring It Back Around.

A podcast of only callbacks.

Not so much a call-in show, but a call-back show.

A call-back show.

The Count of Monte Cristo taught me about being patient about revenge.

And it really,

in my 20s, which which is some of my best revenges.

Let me know that it's cool to wait it out.

It's going to be so much better.

Vengeance can wait.

Like, you know, I'm good at it.

Vengeance can wait, a new podcast.

Vengeance can wait.

Yeah.

And Mercedes, of course, is Mercedes, which is a character from Gianni Monte Cristo.

We're also buzz marketing some weird

14-year-old spoof of Harry Potter called Wizard People Dear Readers, whatever that is.

I hope it's great.

Professor Catface Meowmers.

That's a kind of a dad joke there.

I dig it.

You like that?

I dig it.

Which is a better name for a cat?

Professor Catface Meowmers or Mercedes?

Professor Catface Meowmers, but I like that he has shortened it now to the face.

The face.

Which is an amazing name.

Professor Face.

Professor Face.

Would be good too.

Does the face is a good villain name?

It is a very good name for a cat.

But does he have the right to ignore the name that the cat already has?

I think there's a lot of things going on here.

Right.

I think this is mostly

relationships and past and knowing like when to let go and what you need to accept, like that people had had lives before you guys

were in a relationship.

Oh, clever KC.

And maybe that needs to be discussed before the cat's name isn't the issue.

I mean, you know, normally we hunt around here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast for like the crux of the dispute, the underlying emotional element.

But it seems to me Hannah already knows it.

Yeah.

She says he doesn't like the name because it reminds him of the fact that she had another boyfriend before him.

Yeah.

And that makes the face kind of an act of aggro that I do not like, presuming that she's correct.

Yeah.

And I bet she is.

I find that to be a little bit aggro and insecure and unattractive.

Yeah.

It's just the name of the cat.

It's okay.

Our cat's whole name, which Quelle refuses to use,

is

Brian K.

Littles, Esquire the third.

And he refuses to call him Brian.

I only call him Brian when I want to annoy Quale.

Oh.

But his name is Littles.

Right.

And he's like,

what does a K stand for?

Keith.

Brian Keith Littles, Esquire, the third.

But who had Brian Keith Littles Esquire the third?

You adopted him together, right?

Yes.

Right.

Okay.

Yes.

And he immediately was Littles.

And then I was like, this is his longer name, his longer form name, but we'll never use it.

And because he doesn't like calling him Brian, I'm like, he's like, yeah, just, it's a weird, like, very human name.

Right.

And I don't feel like yelling at like another dude in the house.

Right.

It just feels weird.

Yeah, Brian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, I get it.

I think that this dude should not be renaming the pet in any case, because the cat has a name, and that name was given to it by Hannah's ex-boyfriend or her or Hannah.

But just the fact that it was given to her.

I mean, the cat already has a name.

The cat has a name.

Just you giving it a name doesn't erase the relationships of her past.

Yeah, humans

have pasts,

and that's fine.

You don't need to be nervous about that.

Yeah.

She's with you.

That's right.

She's with you.

Like, things move on.

That's right.

You know.

When you say Merfed,

it reminded me that I recently drove from Maine through Massachusetts, Western Massachusetts.

To Barcelona.

There is a great town name in

central Western Massachusetts, which is, it is spelled A-T-H-O-L.

That's right.

Athole, Massachusetts.

Massachusetts.

Actually, I'm from Athole, Massachusetts.

Wow.

It's not Atholl?

No, Atholl.

And

guess what?

The neighboring town is Belcher Town.

Good going.

But it's still not the weirdest name of a town in Massachusetts.

The weirdest name of the town in Massachusetts, aside from Braintree, which is gross.

That's not okay.

Bill Rica.

But

is it named Asher?

Nope.

I don't know.

The famous.

There's no William Rica.

Bill Rica.

Bill Rica.

By the way, a stand-up stand-up.

That's Bill Rica for you.

That guy doesn't even need material.

No.

No, it's B-I-L-L-E-R-I-C-A.

Bill Ricca, that's the name.

Is that a

sort of

native?

Probably a native weed.

Okay.

Bill Rica plant.

Bill Rica.

That also sounds like a character on True Blood.

Yeah, that is.

Here's my ruling in any case.

Hannah, you're right.

Nick is wrong.

Maybe break up with him.

I'm going to look up Bill Rica while we take a break.

Gene, send us out.

Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we've got more docket to clear.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while, maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years, I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

This week, we are clearing the docket.

And I'm going to start with something from Dan.

Are you ready?

Yes, I am ready.

Dan says,

my wife refuses to close the door when she uses the bathroom.

We have two bathrooms.

with one on each floor of our home.

The style of our home includes large windows, and I feel anyone could easily see her from the street when she uses our first floor bathroom.

To be specific, we live in a little city in rural Illinois called Quincy.

I am an associate pastor, and my wife is a doctor.

I worry her flagrant disregard for her privacy will undermine our professional lives, especially given the close-knit nature of our town.

Also, I think it's gross that she does the nasties with the door open.

I would like an injunction that she close the door and keep private throaty time because no one wants to see that.

Agreed.

Yeah, close the door when you're

close the door.

All right, here, listen.

Bill Ricca is named after a town

in Essex, England, called Billa Ricque.

And the best guesses for the origin of the name is that Billa Ricquay either comes a corruption of Villa Erica

of a Romano-British origin.

So like Billa Erica.

Villa Erica.

House of Erica.

Billa Erica.

Or Bela Rica, a medieval Latin word meaning die house or tan house.

Or Billers, traditional name for watercress.

Told you it was a weed.

It's watercress.

Watercress.

Here's something from Bryce.

He loves watercress.

He asks, What is Hodgman's Hogwarts house?

I think Ravenclaw, but my friend says none because Harry Potter is not real.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, I'm not a Harry Potter so much as I am a Wizard People Dear Readers guy.

Whatever that is.

No, here are the.

All right, so here are the four houses:

Ravenclaw,

Gryffindor, Honey Crisp,

Fructis.

And Swan Top.

You ever have a Slytherin apple?

Yes, but those are some sweet green apples.

I'm not Slytherin because I'm not emo enough.

I'm not Gryffindor because I don't have self-confidence and belief that everything's going to work out okay for me no matter what.

Yeah.

Not Hufflepuff because I don't want to be a Hufflepuff.

That was one.

That's the name.

You know, I love those books.

I love that mythology.

That was one where I kind of feel like she could have taken another pass with that name.

Yeah.

It's a little silly.

It's a little goofy.

I love you, J.K.

Rowling.

Thanks for following me on Twitter.

It's true.

Does she?

She does.

You don't follow me on Twitter.

That's how I love her.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Follow Jean Grey.

Yeah.

And take another stab at Hufflepuff.

I think it's just great.

Oh, okay.

I would say Ravenclaw.

Sure.

I'm ravenclaw because

like a raven

oh boy

like a raven i'm smart i know how to use tools like ravens ravens like corvids know how to use they'll make a tool out of a piece of wire to pull something out of something that they need partner yeah okay we'll get to that yeah and uh like you know ravens and crows and rooks and so on they recognize human faces they recognize faces they have funerals yeah and they hold grudges to revenge They do.

They feel about waiting it.

You know what I hear?

When they find a human they don't like,

not only will they attack that human, they'll train their children to attack that human.

Generational grudges.

I feel like I would also be Ravenclaw then.

That's right.

Okay.

Is that it?

Did we do it?

We did it.

We cleared the docket.

We cleared the docket.

The docket is clear.

And I think that's it.

That's it.

And we talked about cheese.

We debuted a whole bunch of new podcasts.

You're going to be with me on a regular

rigging podcast coming right up

in a future episode.

But for now, let me just say how much fun it is to hang around with you, as always.

I had so much fun.

So that's going to be it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

The show was recorded by Ivan Kurev.

Great name.

At Argo Studios in New York City.

Our producer is Jennifer Marmer.

Follow us on Twitter

at Gene Creasy and at John Hodgman.

We are at Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

Make sure to hashtag your JudgeJohnHodgman tweets, hashtag jjho, and check out the maximum fun subreddit to discuss this episode.

Only up, folks.

Submit your cases at maximumfun.org slash jjho or email hodgman at maximum fun.org.

We'll see you next time

on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Please don't suicide court.

Please.

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