Chandler Braggin' on Beeps

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week, we're in the judges' chambers clearing the docket with me, as always,

a true legend of the fake judicial field, Judge John Hodgman.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

meow, meow, meow.

Oh, hi, Jesse.

How are you?

Do you have a cat chorus practice going on?

No, I'm just

cleaning up my chambers after my New Year's party and remembering what a great time I had with all those cats.

Meow, meow, meow, meow.

They're really good at singing old things I.

Was it just you and the cats?

Yeah, just me and some cats.

Okay, did you lay a trail of cat food into your chambers and trap them there?

Or these friends of yours?

No, I went on Instagram and I contacted the most famous cats in the area.

Just regionally, though.

Yeah, that's right.

And I paid their owners to let me have a New Year's Eve party in my chambers with just me and some of the most famous cats of Instagram.

It was very swank, I have to say.

I mean, it sounds swank.

Were there cocktails, bleenies?

Just for me.

Okay, got it.

Just for me.

It's not good for cats.

Cats can't eat bleanies.

Cats can't eat caviar.

I learned the hard way.

Got it.

So now I've got 30 gallons of caviar I got to get rid of.

Now, it's misleading.

You would think that cats would be able to eat caviar, if only because you imagine how Heathcliff would eat those whole fish by just dipping them into his mouth and then pulling out the skin.

Pulling out a skeleton.

Yeah.

No, no, I'm not saying that caviar is poison to cats.

It's just they're terrible with the little pancakes, the little bleanies.

Got it.

Because they don't have thumbs.

And they can't use the tiny spoons.

The tiny splendid spoons.

Yeah, they can't use the tiny spoons.

Got it.

They can't use those tiny pearl spoons.

Let that be a lesson to you, Judge John Hodgman listeners.

New Year's resolution, you know, stop using metal spoons on your caviar.

It'll ruin it.

Yeah, you got to have Mother of Pearl spoons.

That's right.

So here's three, I'll give three lessons for Judge John Hodgman listeners.

Welcome to 2018.

First and foremost,

don't try to use metal spoons on your caviar.

Second,

don't try to give caviar spoons to cats.

Third, and this one's particularly for Heathcliff, Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should terrorize the neighborhood.

So I guess it's for Heathcliff and everyone else.

Also, don't give those Mother of Pearl caviar spoons to cats because they'll just turn around and sell them on eBay.

How many other theme songs to television programs are also warnings to the protagonist or admonitions to the protagonist of that program?

I mean, that presumes when you say, Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one should terrorize a neighborhood.

It presumes that Heathcliff hangs out watching Heathcliff on TV and gathering lessons from it.

The original theme song for Friends was directed to the Friends.

It was like, Hey, friends, you got to grow up sometime.

Floppy hair.

Hey, friends, eventually you'll have to make friends with a black person.

It's insane, Jesse.

I mention it only because a young person who lives in our home is now pounding through all of the 29 seasons of Friends, episode by episode.

And it is, it's bonkers that

all those friends are white people.

It is, I mean, shout out to Aisha Tyler, my friend, and I think yours as well.

Yes, indeed.

A brilliant and hilarious woman who was on a couple of seasons of Friends, I think.

Some of the later seasons of Friends, yes.

But she was never a full-fledged friend.

No, she was a semi-friendly past.

Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, no kidding.

It's a real window into the past.

That was okay.

Also, a lot of technology that doesn't exist anymore.

But we'll talk more about that later.

When I create my friends tech Instagram account, which is just pictures of fax machines and Joey using one of those big, clunky, portable phones with a big antenna on it.

Friends paging each other 143.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

I love you.

There was one where a chandler was bragging about his beeper.

Maybe that's what I'll call my Instagram account, Chandler Bragging on Beeps.

Should we do our podcast?

Maybe.

Sure.

Here's something from David.

He says, I generally take responsibility for preparing our family dinners and for making sure we have food for those dinners.

I love doing this.

My wife hates cooking.

However, sometimes I have business trips that get me home around 8 or 9 p.m.

My wife will make her own dinner arrangements, but often has nothing for me.

She says it's not her responsibility.

I think it's the nice and civil thing to do since I've been traveling for hours.

Oh,

David, this is not fair.

This is not fair of your wife, in my opinion.

Do you disagree, Jesse?

I think it is unfair, although

I think there is

also

a recognizable undercurrent of the expectation of food being placed on the table that has a certain societal baggage

that needs to be acknowledged.

Yeah, she is not going to be your housefrau,

is, I think, part of the message she is telling you.

Feed yourself, man.

But if we consider marriage to be an equal partnership, this is unfair.

Yeah, I agree.

But marriage is more often an asymmetrical partnership.

That is to say, generosity in a marriage is often expressed asymmetrically.

Remember, in an arrangement of mutual punishment, it's tit for tat, not tat for tat.

That is,

she may like to give you tattoos, but you are no good at it.

So she gives you the tattoos and you don't.

I suspect that if you think it over, you can probably find some area in your marriage where your wife is generous to you in a way that you are not generous to her without expectation of hope of replication in this way.

I hope and trust that even though she does not make you dinner when you come home Dom Draper style at 9 p.m., waiting for your old-fashioned and your steak, that she is doing other things for you that you wouldn't do for her.

So I would say accept her limitation in this regard.

And on your way home from your trip, use your smartphone if you're in an area where the food can be delivered.

and order yourself a delicious takeout meal to arrive by the time you get home.

And then she'll feel jealous.

Aaron Trevor Brandon.

I think that there is an interesting asymmetry in this situation in many male-female relationships, which is, I know a lot of men who enjoy cooking and, for that reason, do a significant portion or even a majority portion of the cooking in their relationship.

But I mean, this honestly is true in my relationship.

I probably cook more adult food than my wife does.

But there is obviously, there are times when someone is responsible for getting food onto the table.

And I think that in many relationships, even to my regret sometimes in mine,

that responsibility often remains on the shoulders of the woman in the relationship for cultural reasons.

And I think that is a real bummer.

Like, I think the thing,

I don't think that David's dispute is unreasonable.

However, I think he should,

if this is something that he wants, he should negotiate it with his wife.

On the days when I'm coming home at 8 o'clock, would you mind making dinner for both of us?

Rather than presenting it as an expectation.

No, but I know from the experience of my own marriage that the answer is, no, thank you.

I won't.

Well,

my wife only eats dinner because I'm there.

My wife would be perfectly glad to eat an apple and a slice of cheese for dinner every night if there were like crackers available for her to eat at 9:30 p.m.

You know, like, yeah, no, right.

Exactly.

If I come home of an evening,

my wife will often say, Well, I fed the kids, and I'm like, What did you have for dinner?

Another piece of popcorn?

She'll say, Yeah, bite a bagel.

Yeah.

Although, to be fair, if I lived in the neighborhood you live in Brooklyn, I would also eat bagels for dinner.

Bagel whole, best bagels, best holes.

But I will say this: as you say, there is a certain symbolic weight and gravity to man come home, expect dinner on table.

And since you already have broken open traditional gender roles in your marriage because you are the guy making most of the food all the time,

I think that you just have to accept that your wife isn't into cooking for you.

But I am certain she does other things for you and that it all comes out in the wash.

Oh, by the way, who does the laundry?

Yeah.

So this is the sound that we gavel on this.

Let's move on.

Here's something from Angela.

I'd like to bring a case against my boyfriend James.

We listen to music together while cooking or driving.

I think that listening to the same song or album multiple times can deepen one's enjoyment and appreciation of it.

But listening to a song twice in a row grates on James' nerves.

He believes that listening to music repetitively weakens the experience of hearing the songs new or freshly and dulls his enjoyment of the music.

I'd like James to loosen his standards for listening to a song and/or album multiple times in a row.

Well, this is interesting because there is some court precedent that was set in our live show in Washington, D.C.

at the end of 2016,

in which the question was posed by one sister to another: how much Hamilton is too much Hamilton?

And this court ruled there is no such thing as too much Hamilton.

I absolutely agree that listening to a piece of work, especially a big and complicated piece of work,

like Hamilton or a symphony, or

I don't know what else, Jesus Christ Superstar?

What's a big, complicated piece of music that you think grows in the re-listening, Jesse, in your opinion?

Something I really love is Steve Reich's music for 18 musicians.

Sure.

And you know what?

I really enjoyed digging into and unpacking as a complicated literary text recently?

Parents Just Don't Understand by Fresh Prince and DJ Jesse Jeff.

Sure.

You really got to explicate that butterfly collar.

Well,

only because

after having heard that song, obviously, when it was first released, I'm a double elderlenial.

I'm a pure elder Xer.

It is now being revisited in my home by the young people who live there.

And it's a real treat.

Boy, that Will Smith, he has got a very genial rapping style.

He tells a story.

He is an extraordinarily genial rapper.

There is like even L.L.

Cool J at his most genial couldn't top the geniality of Will Smith rapping.

And those hit records are really good.

There's nothing wrong with them.

They're genuinely, really excellent.

Yeah, and, you know, when Will Smith says, come on and take a ride with a hell of a guy, like, I get goosebumps every time.

Yeah.

It's so likable, and the cadence is so amazing.

And though it is not lyrically particularly complex, parents just don't understand by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.

I'm sorry I reversed the credit order.

DJ Jazzy Jeff needs all the credits he can get.

But

there is a line in there that really surprised me: that a guy of my age and with my particular set of interests could have forgotten that there is a direct reference to the 1970s-era 50s rock and roll tribute band Shana Na, and parents just don't understand, specifically the most popular Shana Na, Bowser, John Bowser Bauman, now a very active advocate for elder voting rights and democratic causes.

Real cool dude.

But there's a line where he goes, come on, ma, this isn't Shana Na, my name is not Bowser.

I almost drove off the road when I heard that.

I'd never heard that before.

It's particularly in reference to the fact that his mom is buying him 1970s era clothes.

So, really, the whole trope is problematized because, of course, Bowser was dressing in the 70s as a greaser from the 50s.

So, I don't know whether that's just a mistake on Will Smith's part or a purposeful subversion of expectation.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a degree in literary theory from Yale.

History of menswear-wise, Bowser, in some ways, was inventing the idea of a 1950s greaser, something that

in many ways, at least as presented in Shanana and Greece and American graffiti and so on and so forth, was an invention of the 1970s as much as it was something that actually existed in the 1950s.

You're absolutely right.

And I think I wrote a blog post to this point sometime in the past year or two.

that I would maintain, and perhaps you will find this controversial or perhaps you will not,

that if you were to go back and watch the footage of Shanana's appearance at Woodstock, which you can find on YouTube, it is electrifying.

And they're playing at the hop at double speed.

And even though nostalgia is a toxic impulse, there's nothing nostalgic about it.

They are totally reinterpreting it, and it is essentially punk rock.

And I would argue that the Ramones would not exist without Shanana at Woodstock.

So you might write me some letters on that subject, Ramones fans.

But the two most important pieces of culture that you need to, if you don't know what I'm talking about with regard to Shanana, there are three important, I am three important pieces of culture.

One, that Woodstock appearance.

Two, my mini essay on that somewhere on the internet.

Go find it.

Three,

the Wolfgang Hot Dog episode of Andy Daly's podcast pilot project pilot.

Oh, that is a really amazing episode.

That's an amazing episode.

For adults only, or I should say not family friendly, but really, really funny and interesting to hear.

Anyway, we're talking about Shanana.

We were talking about lyrics.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

So, yes, you can be enriched by listening to something over and over again.

But I want to make another obscure cultural reference, and that is to a book called The Men Who Stare at Goats by our friend John Ronson, in which I first heard

of the enhanced interrogation technique among many of the insidious new, essentially torture techniques that were devised and put into practice in the early 2000s during the invasion of Iraq and the war in Afghanistan, which practice I believe has been stopped, but I bet it still goes on anyway, which is music torture, where they would take captured enemy combatants and put them into

an empty shipping container and just play the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over again

until the person began to slip.

And in fact, Sergeant Mark Hadzill, who is a member of the U.S.

Psychological Operations Team, described this tactic: quote, if you play it for 24 hours, that is the same song over and over again, the listener's brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down, and your will is broken.

That's when we come in and talk to them, end quote.

Sergeant Mark Hadzell came out against this practice.

And I'm going to tell you something right now.

Angela, I know you're not locking James up in a shipping container and making him listen to the songs that they use to torture enemy combatants in the Iraq war, specifically songs like Will the Real Slim's Shady Please Stand Up?

and the theme from Barney.

It was the early 2000s.

But there is something, I think, a little insidious all the same about making dinner together and listening to the same song twice, thrice, or frice.

That's a little much.

We just got through the end of the year.

We just got through the holidays.

That whole period of time where no matter where you are, the only thing playing is Mariah Carrie's All I Need for Christmas is you.

And you know how that makes you feel.

It destroys your brain and soul.

So do not commit a war crime against your boyfriend.

Yes, multiple listenings of a complex piece of work is obviously enjoyable, but back-to-back listenings of the same song, no.

I find against you on that one.

Let's take a quick break.

More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast, always brought to you by you, the members of maximumfun.org.

Thanks to everybody who's gone to maximumfun.org slash join.

And you can join them by going to maximumfun.org slash join.

The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by Made In.

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Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

You know what that one is?

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Jesse, you know that song?

Yeah, I know that song.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Yeah, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

I know that.

That's the meow mix theme song.

That's something they also used to torture people.

I'm sorry to say, it's one of my favorite songs, and I just learned that it's an instrument of torture.

But I only bring it up again because I had a letter from a woman named Mary Diffendale, and she pointed out something to me.

She wondered whether my fondness for singing meow sounds in songs where I don't know the words was inspired by the David Byrne movie from the 1980s called True Stories.

Specifically, John Goodman's character is singing a song, and I looked up the clip,

the song People Like Us, and he can't remember the words, and his character can't remember the words, and he goes, We don't need meow meow, bum, bum, meow, meow, meow, meow.

And I had this sudden, incredible,

it was like hearing Shanana

name dropped in Fresh Prince.

I forgot.

Yes, that is exactly where I picked up that habit.

John Goodman, the great font of all that is awesome,

gave me one of the jokes that I've most enjoyed in my life and have taken credit for.

So now I apologize to David Byrne.

I apologize to John Goodman.

John Goodman, if you're a listener, please write in and let me know if you improvised your meow meows or if that was direction from David Byrne.

But either way, I apologize for stealing.

And Mary, I thank you for writing in.

Here's a dispute dispute from Molly.

She says: Upon moving to the Bay Area from the New York tri-state area, my husband's professional attire has deteriorated from wearing khakis and a button-down to jeans and a t-shirt, often with company logos.

My husband argues this is how everyone in his office dresses.

I want him to dress comfortably.

I want him to fit in.

But I think a fully well-rounded person considers everything, including outward appearance, when working in a professional office environment.

If you rule in my favor, I ask that my husband no longer wear shirts with company logos or pictures to work.

Hmm, California style.

I want to lay my heavy head tonight on a meow

of California meows.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

So, Jesse, you are a menswear expert.

That's true, an accredited one.

You live live in California.

I do all my life.

I would say that you are pretty dressy for California, where in my experience, you go out to a nice dinner.

You're lucky if people wear a robe and tube socks.

That's true.

Lebowski core is what it's called.

How do you evaluate Molly's husband's shift in style?

I think,

and this is based on many years of experience getting and replying to

quandaries from men in similar situations, that particularly in

technical office jobs,

there is a kind of expectation

that is like a reverse

you dress for the job you want, which is to say that the worse dressed you are, the more disgusting you look.

You dress like you hope they fire you.

Yeah, like basically,

it's basically a power move that suggests I'm so good at my job that even though I dress like a monster and upset the people I'm like helping to make Microsoft Word macros or whatever,

I cannot be fired because of my technical proficiency.

My tech skills are so great it doesn't matter that I'm wearing this smelly t-shirt and these bad corduroys.

Aaron Powell, Jr.: Right, because I live in a pure technical utopia in which all that matters is technical competence and JavaScript certifications.

I am a pure brain.

The coverings on my meat body do not matter.

My isolation from my humanity is part of what makes me a monster to all other humans around me.

Let's create Uber now.

Wow, I can't believe I'm talking to the Electro the Robot, the Westinghouse robot from the 1930s New New York World Fair.

Yes, and I am wearing a t-shirt and flip-flops.

I think that these same people are often going to industry conferences where a popular giveaway is a t-shirt with the logo of, you know,

let's say macromedia for the sake of buzz marketing a defunct company.

Sure.

I believe that.

Now that would be retro and cool.

You got a macro media t-shirt.

Well, I mean, certainly a Windows 95 t-shirt is a high.

If you can find yourself a Windows 95 dad hat, that kind of garment-washed cotton twill baseball cap, then you just found yourself $60 on Etsy right there.

Speaking of Friends Tech, I have a very distinct memory of going into a video store in 1995

and almost renting a video cassette called Introducing Windows 95, starring Chandler Bing and Rachel Green from Friends.

That is 100% real.

I've seen it.

Have you seen the tape itself?

I never rented it, so I never got to see it.

I've seen it.

It's on internet video platforms.

It's available.

Is it really?

And of course, if you go into your local blockbuster video, you'll find it right there on that free rental special interest section,

alongside CPR trainings and how to avoid child kidnapping.

So, Molly, your husband, based on my limited experience traversing the tech world of the Bay Area,

your husband is fitting into a trend of hyper-casualness, casual everyday.

And I guess really the question is, how far would too far be?

I think that it's fair for him to fit in, but where would you draw the line, Jesse?

Well, from my perspective, we're talking about two different vectors.

And

to

Molly's credit, I think she is recognizing a significant distinction, which is to say there is a level of formality of dress and there is level of care of dress.

The amount of attention paid to the aesthetic and cultural values of the clothing.

So I believe very strongly that it is worth understanding and respecting the cultural norms that surround you because that's part of the reason why you're wearing clothes at all.

I mean, in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of the year, you'd be perfectly fine with a bear pelt over your shoulders.

You don't have to wear a shirt at all.

But there's a reason we wear clothes.

It's to convey some message to the people around us.

Respect for yourself and for others.

Exactly.

And so I think that dressing casually is perfectly appropriate.

You know, wearing blue jeans or chinos in a casual office is no sin at all.

But

I think that what Molly is trying to call our attention to is that

her husband is

dressing like a gross slob more than that her husband is dressing casually.

I think chinos and a button-down shirt can also be perfectly casual.

Many, many people in the world wear that as casual staples, but I wouldn't expect that.

Like, I think that you can wear a t-shirt and blue jeans in a way that conveys that you have spent some care on your appearance and you are trying to do something.

Do not abandon style just to fit in with your tech bros.

Yeah, like I feel like whatever the aesthetic of this company that her husband works for, and I'm absolutely in my mind convinced that it's a tech company.

I'm sure there is a design team, right?

And the design team isn't walking around in tuxedos.

They're also dressed casually, as is the norm at the company, but they have actually paid attention to the aesthetics and functionality of the clothing that they're wearing, just as they would pay attention to the aesthetics and functionality of whatever it is they're designing.

Trevor Burrus, Jr.: The Microsoft macros.

Exactly.

So think about that.

And I think that not wearing promotional t-shirts with company names on them is very, very reasonable.

And I also think that

avoiding t-shirts that bear

a promotional message, even if it isn't purely commercial, you know, not wearing your Star Wars t-shirt or your free A's t-shirt that you got at the ball game and avoiding graphic tees

generally is probably a good idea.

There's plenty of other things that will convey more care and attention than those things.

And her request, which is simply no company logos or pictures, is actually a really reasonable thing to ask.

And I think that she's not just like she's putting it in the context of she wants him to be respectful when he goes to the office, but it's also partly about being respectful to her because the way he dresses reflects upon her.

They're in a partnership.

And, you know, I'm not big on

women saving men from themselves in any category, but certainly not aesthetic.

But I do think it's reasonable for her to say, hey, how about if you dress simply and cleanly rather than wearing that Subway sandwiches t-shirt that someone fired at you out of a cannon?

I agree.

No t-shirt gimmies,

no game day giveaways.

Take some pride in what you wear.

It's okay for you to fit into the fashion culture of your office in the Bay Area so long as, in my opinion, you take what everyone else is doing and you up it a little bit, you improve it, you move the game forward, don't go worse than anybody else.

Maybe go cleaner, cooler, nicer, and don't wear shorts or sandals.

And even though I agree with Jesse, corporate logos are thumbs down,

but podcast logos are thumbs up.

If you go to maxfundstore.com, check it out.

And like, I want to be clear that one of the things about dressing in a simple, clean, casual aesthetic is that there are very affordable, high-quality clothes that you can buy that have that simple, clean, casual aesthetic.

I mean, you can go to, I won't mention any names, but go to a popular Japanese basics store that there certainly

are multiple locations in the Bay Area,

and you can find something that will really look excellent for your $9.80.

So don't feel like it's about necessarily having to buy the most expensive t-shirt

to look sharp.

If I may, Jesse, let me just put this out there.

I know that since we have a podcast, we should be as experts in the topic of underwear as we are in mattresses.

Uh-huh.

Sure.

But I am needing to move on to a new underwear brand because American Apparel closed all of its shops.

Now, I know that's a problematic brand, and frankly, I'm glad it's dead.

But I did like their boxer briefs a lot.

Anyone who knows anything that resembles American Apparel boxer briefs, let me know.

I'm curious to try some underwear on.

Don't send me underwear.

That's weird.

Just refer me to some brands.

Mark says, I travel for business frequently.

Between trips, I store my suitcase under the bed.

This infuriates my wife, Monica, because she's worried about a bed bug infestation.

Hang on, can I do an impersonation of Monica being infuriated at Mark?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, Mark!

All right, go on.

Is that going to become your new signature impression?

Oh, Mark!

That's right.

Here's what would it sound like if Monica was at the seventh game of the World Series and she was rooting for the Dodgers?

It might sound a little like this.

Oh, you Darvish!

Since I have no reference to the Dodgers at all, I would have gone, oh, meow, meow.

Okay, let's listen to the rest of this question.

I would like to keep my suitcase under the bed so that pulling it out for the next trip doesn't require a schlep upstairs to the attic, which is her preferred storage location.

She says she'll personally retrieve the suitcase from the attic for future trips, but she's rarely home or awake at the times I usually pack for a trip.

Your honor, please help us resolve this issue.

Oh, Mark!

You are so casual about bed bugs.

You will feel bad when you get them.

Guess what, Mark?

You're going to get those bed bugs.

You're going to get them all over your body in your bed.

I had bed bugs some years ago in our apartment,

and it was supremely inconvenient to get rid of them.

Not only do we essentially have to move out for a couple of days so they could do a bunch of treatments,

but also we had to take every book

in my apartment and run over the pages with a hot hair dryer to kill those little bugs, eggs, and larvaes and junk.

And why?

Why did this happen to me?

Because I travel for business frequently.

And the fact of the matter is, even nice hotels, I mean, there are a lot of people moving through there.

And there has been a big resurgence of bedbuggism in this great country of ours.

As I believe the bedbugs have gotten a little bit more resistant to pesticide, and or maybe we're not using the same pesticide anymore because it was poisoning children or something.

I don't remember what it is, but it's happening.

I think it's both.

Yeah.

And so putting your suitcase straight from the road under the bed, it will eventually turn into a bed bug hatchery down there.

It will look like a microscopic version of the egg clutch from the movie Alien in the bottom of that spaceship.

That's what your suitcase is going to look like full of bugs.

And I'm not even sure Monica's solution of putting it in the attic is a great idea either because then you're just going to get bed bugs up in that attic

and your bag is going to get even fuller infested and eventually it's going to travel through to you.

So if you want to keep that thing under your bed, Mark, fine.

But I urge you to responsibly take care of your bag when you get home.

And this is what you need to do.

And it's a drag, but you got to do it.

Bring it into your laundry room if you have one.

Take all that stuff out of that bag and either wash it, or if it's still clean, run it through the dryer for 20 minutes on high.

Kill any bugs that have laid eggs in your clothing.

Then just take a spray bottle full of rubbing alcohol and spray your bag all over inside and out with the rubbing alcohol.

And then you're done.

Then you can put that thing right under the bed and you're never going to have to worry about it again.

An alternative would be once you know your bag is clean and debugged,

when you're on the road,

I've tried this for short stays, like overnight.

Keep your bag in the bathtub of your hotel room and all your clothes too, and leave the light on in the bathroom.

Then you will not get bugs because they don't come out unless it's dark and they don't like to crawl around on porcelain or enamel surfaces like the bathtub.

They can't get in there.

But that's more of a trouble than I think just doing the little chore of cleaning up your bag after.

And I highly, highly recommend that you do that even more than put it up in the attic.

Also, by the way, if you've been looking through, thank you, Sharper Image, for making a catalog of dumb junk again.

It reminds me of when I used to go to the Sharper Images stores that don't exist anymore, or when I used to read Sky Mall.

Two of my favorite things to do.

You may be tempted to buy one of these UV sanitizing wands that bathe your bedlinens with UV light, but those do not kill bed bugs, so don't do that.

Wow, can I give Judge John Hodgman listeners a hot tip who may have loved sharper image catalogs in the past?

Sure.

There is this German company called Manufactum.

It may be pronounced differently in German.

Forgive me if it is, that sent me a catalog.

I bought a couple of shirts from them online from Germany and they sent them to me.

And then recently I got their catalog, which is essentially a telephone book size that they sent to me all the way from Germany.

And it is the best catalog I've ever gotten in my life.

I'm talking about better than the J.

Peterman catalog, which is a real catalog, if anyone doesn't know that that's actually a real catalog and is really fun and lovely.

But this manufactum catalog, it's like,

you know, like a druggist or an apothecary that has like white tile walls and clear glass jars of things.

Yeah, well, like that artisanal mayonnaise shop that used to be over in Prospect Leffert's Gardens here in Brooklyn.

It is like that for everything that you might use in your entire life.

Everything from like

small-sized children's pool tables

to like

personal luggage and shoes, and it's very German, but everything in the catalog is beautiful.

And they sent it to me for free, but I saw that you can order them for five Euros or something.

And I can't imagine a better way to spend five Euros than to live in the fantasy of buying all the items out of this manufactum catalog.

I know that we're already into the new year, but there are a few things on my holiday gift list that I did not get.

Quick question.

Yeah.

Is this the kind of store where I could find myself a beautiful blown glass with cork, fly, and wasp trap for around 35 euros?

Yeah, that sounds like exactly the kind of thing you could get there.

Would you be able to get a cast iron meat slicer for around 3,166 euros?

Yeah, absolutely.

No doubt about it.

It's not like I'm looking at their website at all, but I am looking forward to seeing if they have a faux lizard paper elasticized folder for only 15 euros and 80 sub euros.

Sometime, what is it?

What is sense in Europe?

They have ex-Libris stamps.

Oh, it's just spectacular.

I would like them to sponsor this podcast at this point.

Okay, let's take a quick break.

When we come back, disputes about coffee, plus a follow-up letter about vacuum cleaner hoarding.

Remember the guy who was hoarding vacuum cleaners?

I really do.

Okay, let's hear about some Max Fun shows.

And when we come back, we'll talk about it.

Max Fun Shows.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother, Me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no, no, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah.

You don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on My Brother, My Brother, and Me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news.

We still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Lum.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

We're clearing the docket.

Here's something from Dave.

I write today to file a grievance against the employees of Dunkin Donut stores throughout the mid-Atlantic states for the unregulated and improper use of the term regular to describe the preparation of coffee.

Having lived in both Massachusetts and Rhode Island, I have intimate knowledge of the standards and practices regarding the ordering of coffee in.

Okay, now I'm going to have to try and pronounce this.

Now

England.

Is that right?

I think that rings a faint bell.

No.

No, no, I'll have to look it up.

New

England?

Is that right?

Oh, right.

Oh, no.

Sorry, Jesse.

Now I remember.

New England is a region of the northeastern United States that is composed of several states, including Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Rhode Island, the the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, and nothing else.

Our vendetta against Connecticut continues.

And I will say this right now: Dunkin' Donuts is a New England chain, Dave.

You know better than that, mid-Atlantic states.

Come on, I can't keep up this ruse any longer.

So, what's his problem here?

Okay.

A hot caffeinated coffee with milk and sugar may be efficiently ordered using the descriptor regular.

Uh-huh.

I now reside in New Jersey and cannot get a consistent beverage when asking for a medium regular.

Most frequently, I don't receive a beverage at all, only a blank stare or a confused inquiry.

Yeah.

I request the court compel all Dunkin' Donuts employees to use the shorthand common to the region of the coffee purveyor's birthplace.

Oh, the mid-Atlantic states, Dave.

No, New England.

It is true that in New England, go into a Dunkin' Donuts.

If you ask for a regular,

you're going to get coffee with milk and sugar.

That is a distinct and lovely regionalism that does not extend to New Jersey.

And that's the way it goes, Dave.

The saying is not, when in New Jersey, do as the mass hold does.

The saying is, act like a Roman dum-dum.

Also, stop going to Dunkin' Donuts.

You're better than that, Dave.

Dunkin' Donuts.

I can't believe how much time I've given to Dunkin' Donuts on our podcast now when we could be talking about buying a little stuffed mole from Germany that looks like it's crawling right out of the website at me for 42 euros.

Oh,

hello there, little mole.

A Murano Skittles table for 150 euros?

I'm looking at these Zoist organizer cards.

A Hudson and Co.

referee whistle?

Anyway, the point is, respect regionalism.

Dunkin' Donuts is infesting this country almost as fast as bedbugs.

And I don't like it.

Nor should it be wiping out the way people order their coffee in New Jersey, in Delaware, in Maryland, in Virginia, in what we call the mid-Atlantic states, where they have their own customs.

Also, the coffee is too hot, Jesse.

Too hot.

Burns me every time.

There was a new Dunkin' Donuts in Hollywood recently, the first in the Los Angeles area.

And there was a remarkable phenomenon which I got to observe from afar, which was New Englanders descended, thrilled upon this Dunkin' Donuts.

For a couple of weeks, there were lines around the block to go into Dunkin' Donuts and order something.

And they all did this.

And I think kind of collectively, after about two weeks, they all looked at each other and said, wait a minute, this kind of sucks.

Never mind.

Don't be tricked, people who might find Dunkin' Donuts to be exotic.

People of New England don't believe they deserve pleasure.

That's why Dunkin' Donuts is the way it is.

Go get some good coffee from your coffee bean and tea leaf or whatever.

All right.

Judge Hodgman, I think that the emblematic coffee chain of the mid-Atlantic region is not Dunkin' Donuts, but rather Chock Full of Nuts.

That is a classic brand.

I don't think they have, do they have Chock Full of Nuts stands anymore?

I don't know that they do.

And frankly, it's a brand that I know of only because

after his retirement, Jackie Robinson was an executive there.

But

it is a truly iconic can of coffee, one that as a non-coffee drinker, you know, when, like, I also don't drink beer, but like, I imagine what beer I would drink if I drank beer based exclusively on aesthetic values.

Which is to say, I would drink the one that Errol Morris used to do those commercials for in the late 90s.

But with coffee, that chalk full of nuts can, that bright yellow can, is so beautiful and distinctive.

And also, it says chalk full of nuts, despite the fact that that phrase, do you have to have so many generations of embedded branding before you come to realize that a can that says chalk full of nuts has coffee inside of it?

Right.

It's a truly magical thing.

And I can, even though I, you know, if I drank coffee, I guess I would probably, my wife drinks very fancy mail-order coffee.

I guess I would drink that.

But in my imagination, I exclusively drink out of yellow cans of Chock Fullo Nuts.

Chock full of nuts also, it was a store that sold something other than coffee that became famous for its coffee, much like Dunkin' Donuts.

Chocolate nuts naturally came from a store that sold nuts and that was from New York originally.

William Black established it in 1932,

and then he converted all of his nut stores to lunch counters and started serving coffee.

And according to this internet that I'm reading right now, their signature sandwich was the nutted cheese made of cream cheese, chopped nuts on dark raisin bread.

Oh, how tastes have changed.

Yeah,

that is the like 1937 New Yorkest meal I've ever heard.

People didn't know what tasted good yet.

Did you know that cans of chocolate nuts in 2017 just say contains no nuts on them, because people outside of New York have no idea what it it means that a yellow can say chock full of nuts.

I did not know that.

Do you know the chock full of nuts jingle?

No, how does it go?

Chock full of nuts is the heavenly coffee.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, yeah.

I don't remember.

I do remember, but I am right about that first line.

All right, let's move on.

Well, on the subject of coffee and dunkin' donuts, we've got something from Kevin about office coffee runs.

My coworker Jillian confronted me as I returned from a walk to the local donut shop for an iced coffee.

She complained she, too, would have liked a refreshing iced coffee, and it was selfish of me not to announce my dunks run in advance.

It says that here.

Dunks runs run.

It's a dunks run.

Oh, my God.

You know who goes on a dunks run?

A total dunce, as far as I'm concerned.

While I agree that it's a nice gesture, one should have the freedom to get their own coffee without fear of reprisal.

I ask that you rule.

I really like that requesting that someone be included on the dunks run also constitutes reprisal.

It's only the first volley in a long-running war of words.

Oh, yeah.

It's a spite match, an office spite match, classic to the New England region.

I ask you, rule, that no one should have to provide advance notice of any coffee run.

You know, I've gotten pretty lenient in this courtroom on our no-buzz marketing.

But I have to say, we've really lowered our defenses now that we've gotten two Dunkin' Donuts plugs.

Including the term dunks run in.

But you're right, Jesse, that this does describe a certain New England office ethos where you are friends until someone fails to do the right thing, and then you are enemies for life, tit for tat, mutual reciprocal punishment.

That is what makes the office family an office family in New England.

I have to side with Kevin here.

Someone should be able to go make their chock full of nuts dash, their chock dash,

without

always saying to the office,

who wants me to bring back stuff for them every now and then.

It is not selfish of you to not announce your coffee runs, Kevin, but it's not especially generous, but it's not selfish.

You can do it.

But if you don't want Gillian to murder you,

you may offer to get her something the next time you go.

I like the idea of a television procedural, maybe a law and order situation where they're wearing their trench coats and standing over the outline of a dead body with bloodstains on the ground, and one of them turns to the other and says, What the hell happened here?

And then the other one goes,

He didn't include her on his dunks run.

I'll say this: I don't like Dunkin' Donuts Coffee because I don't like it.

Because it is designed for New Englanders who are just using the coffee to drink a lot of sugary cream.

It is, as they say in New England, wicked hot when they serve it out to you, such that when I have it in my car, I can't touch it for like three three hours without burning my whole hand.

But when I make it myself and don't make it too hot, I like the Dunkin' Dark coffee that you get from the supermarket.

I like that all right.

So, Dunkin' Donuts, you can sponsor our podcast.

You and Manufactum can co-sponsor the podcast.

Otherwise, it's going to be Judge John Hodgman podcast run on chock full of nuts for the rest of time.

So, think about that.

Here's a follow-up from Desiree.

She wrote in about vacuum repairs in episode 338.

And this was a case where a man kept picking up broken vacuum cleaners on the side of the road with the intention of repairing them and selling them for a profit,

but he would fill his living room with them, as I recall.

That is right.

Not just his living room, also hers, I believe.

Yeah, here's what Desiree says.

A buddy of mine has found 50 vacuum cleaners curbside over the last few years.

He keeps track of them and shares on social media.

He's a curbside picker and found furniture restorer for his income, so it would make sense that he'd be looking in piles for these kinds of things.

Literally every single one was simply full or had a clogged hose and usually they're practically brand new.

No mechanical fixes needed.

He has a running list of people who call dibs on his next vacuum find and he gives them away.

Thanks Desiree.

Thanks Desiree.

Look, I like this.

If he's got a a Facebook page and he's redistributing these vacuums, that's fantastic.

But here's what I hope: keep them in a storeroom or a workshop or a garage or something because you don't know what bed bugs are in there.

You put that into your house, maybe it gets infested with bed bugs, or maybe you come out the next day and a dunkin' donuts has been smuggled into your house through the vacuum cleaner or something.

So clean them out, dude.

Wipe them down.

That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman.

Our show is produced by Jennifer Marmer.

You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at JudgeJohnHodgman.

And you can tag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJ H.

O.

If you want to chat about the show, go to maximumfun.reddit.com.

That's our subreddit, maximumfun.reddit.com.

A lot of nice chatter there about the shows.

I have really appreciated recently we have had a big uptake in positive vibes on the Reddit.

People are being really respectful of the litigants and talking about the various issues raised in the show without resorting to calling any litigants monsters.

I really love that Reddit discussion.

I go read it and participate in it every week.

It's a really good time.

You can submit cases to Judge John Hodgman at maximumfun.org/slash JJ H O or email Hodgman at maximumfun.org.

We'll see you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

No dunks, chalks

in 1950, when I was born.

Papa haven't written this verse quite yet.

Six feet tall in size, twelve shoes.

But na na na na na na na.

People like us,

we don't want freedom.

We meow, meow, meow, meow.

We just want

someone

to

love

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