Live From Brooklyn, NY 2016 Part 2

Welcome to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This week's episode was recorded live in front of an audience at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York City.

And a quick note: for those of you with kids, we want to let you know before we get into it that this week's musical guest, Gene Gray, past bailiff Gene Gray, uses some strong language in her first song.

Let's go to the stage at the Bell House in Brooklyn.

Tonight's case, good coiff, bad coiff.

Mariah brings the case against her husband, Eric.

Eric cuts his own hair with a flobe

and occasionally asks for her help.

Mariah not only wishes to be kept out of his weird home hair cutting project, but would also like for Eric to have his hair professionally shorn.

Who's right, who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers the obscure cultural reference.

There ain't no difference between a flying saucer and a time machine.

People get so hung up on specifics, they miss out on seeing the whole thing.

Take South America, for example.

In South America, thousands of people go missing every year.

Nobody knows where they go.

They just like disappear.

But if you think about it for a minute you realize something.

There had to be a time when there was no people, right?

Well, where did all these people come from, huh?

I'll tell you where.

The future.

And where did all these people in South America disappear to?

The past?

That's right.

And how'd they get there?

Flying saucers.

Which are really?

Yeah.

You get it, Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

Time machines.

I think a lot about this kind of stuff.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Please raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that rather than using a hairdresser, he uses a skilled professional topiarist.

I do.

Yes.

Very well, Judge Hodgman.

All right, Mariah and Eric, you may be seated.

First of all, welcome to the program.

You are, I think, officially, having not seen most of the litigants on the podcast because we do it remotely via Skype and other technology, probably the tallest people who have ever been on podcast.

Even now that you're sitting down, you are much taller than most of the people who sit down.

You may be the tallest people ever to do a podcast.

Can anyone look up if Georgie Mirason ever did a podcast?

My giant podcast?

I think the model Imam did a podcast once.

But she, like I think both of you, are part alien, right?

I don't know if you're familiar with most alien conspiracy theories, but there are the greys, right?

There are the small gray aliens.

And then there are the hybrids, and then there are the Nordics, which are the tall blonde aliens.

And I'm kind of feeling like I'm having a visitation at this moment, but I'm going to get over it because for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can either of you identify the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered the courtroom?

Let's see.

Mariah, you have been brought here.

Well, no, wait a minute.

It's Eric.

You've been brought here against your will.

You are the defendant in this case.

So you have the opportunity to guess first or make Mariah guess first.

Which will it be?

I'm going going to guess first.

I'm going to take a long shot at Repo Man.

Okay, we'll put that guess in the guess book.

Repo Man the movie, right?

Okay.

And Mariah?

Oh, no.

No matter what you said, I was going to guess Sweeney Todd, but that seems totally inappropriate.

It's a DVD only.

Sondheim's like, no.

Because of its barbershop theme?

Yeah, you would think that I would have thought of that.

And I really wish maybe that I had, because

one guess is right.

Repo Man is correct.

I already saw the podcast.

I am from the future.

This is one of the rare...

One of the rare cases when someone guesses the cultural reference, and I have to find a way to weasel out of

granting the immediate summary judgment that I promised.

A weird tall alien came to Earth and gamed the system using telekinesis, obviously.

It is from Repo Man.

Can you name the character who.

Yeah,

I was going to offer the out.

I couldn't possibly name the character.

I know which guy it is, but I don't know his name.

You know which guy it is.

And

I should have made a note of the actor, which I don't know,

because he's actually a great character actor, he's been a million things.

The character's name is Miller, and I chose this quote because I love Repo Man, and it came up on a list of movies in which people cut their own hair.

This is what Judge Hodgman has been doing in the back of our tour van.

Typing movies where people cut their own hair into his phone.

And Miller cuts his, I had forgotten that Miller, it was almost like a recovered memory from an alien abduction event.

I had not seen that movie for so long, but he cuts his own hair in the movie.

And does anyone remember the name of that character actor who put...

No, it's not Harry Dean Stanton.

It's the...

I'm pretty disappointed.

You know, Dan McCoy and Stuart Wellington from the Flophouse podcast are here tonight.

Hold for applause.

My enemy podcast.

This is exactly the sort of thing that they should know, and not knowing this is exactly the sort of thing that makes them our enemy.

So wait a minute.

I actually need to get to the bottom bottom of this because Harry Dean Stanton is in the movie.

Does he play Miller?

No.

Thank you for your silence.

It's the same guy who says, play shrimp, play to shrimp.

Guys, God, I wish that there was like a tiny device

that could.

Because Eric has already won the case.

So now we just got to fill in time.

Nothing.

Siri, who played Miller in Repo Man?

Tracy Walter.

Tracy Walter.

Repo Man stars Emilio Estevez, Harry Deanstend, and Tracy Walter.

There we go.

Siri gets to live for another year.

Now,

back to the case.

I'm glad that I don't have to hear this case

because

it's obvious that you are both liars.

Because when I heard about this case, about the man who refused to go to a professional haircutter and cuts his own hair with a flobe, phlobie.

I had a really distinct picture of a person in a sweatsuit.

In a sweatsuit

with a terrible haircut.

I did not imagine someone that you would both be so well put together, with attractive, and with perfectly acceptable hair.

I mean, you're.

Your Honor, if I may dispute your claim here.

Please.

I believe that their good looks and well put togetherness are masking the fact that he in fact does have a terrible haircut.

I think we are blinded by the fact that these handsome people want to talk to us.

It's true.

I'm feeling pretty beta at the moment.

It's true.

May I enter some information?

Please.

He is wearing glasses, which is obscuring the

horrible state of his sideburns at the moment.

Sir, if you could point your face 90 degrees to your left, thus displaying the weird area.

For the record, I cut my hair last night.

You cut your hair last night?

In preparation.

All right, so how long have you been married?

Four years.

Four years.

And where do you live?

We live in Brooklyn.

In Brooklyn?

In Brooklyn.

And please don't be any more specific than that.

We live in Bay Ridge.

You live in Bay Ridge.

And then there's your one friend from Bay Ridge.

and what do you do for livings?

I'm an architect.

An architect?

And I'm a New York City public school teacher but I'm

well done.

But you were about to say but

I am currently on leave taking care of our two small children.

You have two small children?

Yes.

Are they twin children?

No.

No, how old are they?

We have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, both girls.

Congratulations to you.

And do you cut their hair?

They have neither had a haircut yet.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, I suppose so.

That's right.

Okay,

they can afford to look ill-kempt

out there in Bay Ridge.

I don't know where that is.

It's true.

I just figured it sounded like a place where children run free.

Maybe hoops and sticks is involved.

Yeah.

It's where that bay meets that ridge.

Eric, I have to say, and I think this just speaks to the classism in my soul, when I heard that you were cutting your hair with a Flow B,

I just thought you guys were struggling,

but you're an architect.

Do you think that this is the one thing standing between architect and starchitect?

I mean, I'm an architect, not a judge, so you know, I mean, I still have my limited means.

I started, actually, I bought the Flow B when I was working freelance and kind of like partially employed.

So the initial purchase

was a financial, sort of a financial one, but also sort of a behavioral issue.

But then I was like, well, you know, it's fine.

It's good enough.

And it gets me there.

And so I kept doing it.

I have not thought of a Flow B since I was in my 20s.

Judge, I have the Flow B, if you want to say.

That is the object, yes.

It attaches to any vacuum.

Can I ask quickly, a Flobe is a real thing and not just a punchline from 1987?

No, it's a real product.

Let the record show that I am removing with great trepidation

a series of ductwork that reminds me of the movie Brazil from a bag.

This attaches to any vacuum cleaner.

Yes, it does.

So this is an item, an ungainly piece of plastic that looks like

the thing that lives in the trash compactor in Star Wars.

And you attach this to a vacuum cleaner.

Let the record reflect that the judge has brought the flobe to life through the magic of puppetry.

From now on, this is my co-judge.

Yes, Floaty, I'm going to ask them.

Well, don't yell at me.

Don't look to him either.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Dunham.

So here's my question.

You are now a professional architect.

Yes.

I have been for a while.

And have been for a while.

What kinds of things do you build?

I mean, I design a variety of different things, mixed-use projects, university projects.

Mixed-use projects?

Residential.

Mixed-use is

par you know, retail, residential, office, all in one place, live, work, play.

Live, work, play?

Live, work, play.

Um it's the future of sustainable community.

For people who don't deserve different buildings for those three different things?

Indeed.

Well, like Brooklyn.

Brooklyn is mixed-use inherently.

Right.

Um and and and I work on mixed-use projects in other communities.

Right, okay.

And y you've had professional haircuts before, right?

I have, yeah.

And you don't care for them?

No, generally no.

Why not?

So I kind of have a thing that I go in and no matter what I tell them that I want or don't want, I always leave kind of looking like they tried to make me look like a Russian soldier.

So they kind of brush it all up and they cut it in a very, it's always the same.

What do you tell them that you want?

I'll walk into the...

Do you say that you want to be that Russian super soldier from Rocky?

Yeah, you know.

No, I go in and I say, I come in with however it's displayed, and I say, I'd like just the smallest trim, just kind of neaten it up, blah, blah, blah.

It ends up too short, it ends up being parted in the middle, it ends up being this thing.

And I walk in, I'm like, so I spent a bunch of money for this thing that I don't like.

Excuse me, hand.

Yes, Flobe, I'll get to it in a second.

Right?

Okay.

All right, I'm going to ask him the question.

Sorry, it's not me.

Floeby wants to know what kind of smug hipster asshole still uses one of these to cut his hair when he can afford a real haircut.

I just, it's him, not me.

And I did anticipate this question.

What's that?

Flobe's not surprised.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

My counterpoint to that is I could spend the money in the haircut, but I spend the money on other things.

And so that are probably my last question.

You'd best say gifts for your wife right now.

Indeed, dinner and drinks with my wife or dinner south with my family.

We have, you know,

I'm not suffering, clearly.

No, no.

And you have to understand, but when I make derisive comments about your station in life, it's only because I am cowed by your obviously better masculinity than me.

You know, we have a limited discretionary income, and I could spend it on haircuts, or I could spend it on

going out for, you know, going out with my family for dinner or drinks or whatever.

How much do you think a haircut haircut costs?

In the end, it costs about $50.

How often do you take your three-year-old for drinks?

Surprisingly often.

You know, football every Sunday.

All right, my ironically named child, this is going to be hilarious.

We're going to go get artisanal cocktails and we're going to bring Flobe along with us.

Can I add something?

Of course.

He gets reviewed at work, and appearance is part of his yearly review.

And

my issue is...

That sounds terrible.

I know.

But my issue isn't the...

So the top of his hair, the Flobe does, I would say,

almost adequate job because it...

I mean, if you've ever seen it, it sucks it up.

You can see it on YouTube.

Sure.

Look, we also Waynesworld.

It sucks while it blows.

Exactly.

But the issue is

the back and the sides of the head where you need more precise cutting that the flowby cannot address.

That's where it falls down on the job.

Yes.

Right.

By seeing the sides.

Yeah.

Stand up and show the audience the back of your head.

I know, so you're probably not on cantaloupe.

Like, this is not as bad as I thought it would be.

No, it's not that bad right now, but there are times where he will put on a baseball hat and after using the flobe, he will take clippers and shave everything that grows beneath the back rim of the baseball cap.

And

it does not look good.

Eric, I'll allow your objection.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

But he will also.

Mariah, shut your piehole.

I want you to point out, this gavel

was made for me by Isaac from Kansas, a carpenter and a good friend of Charles Chuck Bryant from Stuff You Should Know.

He sent it to me in a custom-made box.

And I have been lenient

on this tour, but there have been times when I've gotten so angry that I broke this gavel

you're talking to a judge with a broken gavel right now if I say I'm letting Eric speak now he's gonna speak

this

this goes a little bit too shut up Eric anyway Mariah go on

you were saying

the the rest of my I know Floby that was a good joke

the rest of the issue is that after he uses the Floby,

he then uses clippers in the back, as I mentioned.

And he often wants me to participate in the haircut.

And I am not trained, nor do I enjoy, nor am I adequate at shaving the back, like the neck hair that grows down here.

Like, we call them neck chops.

By we, do you mean both of you?

Yeah, I mean, it's sort of like mutton chops, neck chops.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, you don't want to.

I'm glad you've agreed on the nomenclature.

You don't want to have you don't want to have anything to do with your husband's weird hairs.

Is that what you're saying?

No.

All right.

And why do you want her to do this?

Does she not do enough?

Staying home, taking a break from her career, helping to raise your two children.

Now you have to have her tend to your gross hairs on the back of your neck,

your weird fly hairs from Jeff Goldblum's The Fly.

So as

probably a weak small counter suit to that was if she would help me with the trimming, I wouldn't have to do the weird baseball cap thing, which I've done very rarely since we've been together because she typically helps me, but not always.

Anyway, when I have done that,

it it isn't good.

I don't know, you know, but I've gotten better.

So you admit that you have a problem.

I mean, when I do that, it's not good.

Yeah, but I've gotten better at it.

You acknowledge that Flobi is not enough.

You need to have another human fine-tuning your hatchet chip.

It gets me like 95% there.

I should note, I had two compliments today at work for my haircut.

What were the compliments specifically?

Oh, your hair looks nice.

I mean, a very simple, very simple.

Out of nowhere?

Yeah, out of nowhere.

Do you think that was an implied relatively speaking?

It certainly could have been.

Well, here's the thing that I will say,

and I will state this for the record, and it's not just because you're the alpha to my beta, but you have good hair.

Like, that's the thing that's frustrating about this.

You think that's frustrating?

You're rude, Judge Hodgman.

I use it as a cover

because it's forgiving.

He's got a full head of hair, a nice hairline, and he's got texture.

Like, there's texture to what's going on up there.

Look at my sh.

Like, I've been wearing a lot of hats tonight, literal hats.

So all my hair is, you know, matted down, but my hair is the color of mouse shit.

And

it is as fine as the finest corn silk.

And there's nothing to be done with it.

And it's got about 13 different cowlicks in the back.

Like if I took Flobe, no offense.

If I took Flobe to me, I would look like an institutionalized person.

Like the fact that you are flobeing your hair and what you're getting is something that is almost passable, I think tells you a lot about what a head start you're getting in life, sir.

So I guess what I'm saying is check your goddamn privilege.

You both submitted evidence,

visual evidence that we're going to review now.

Mariah, I think your evidence is up first.

Let's take a look at it.

Mariah, tell me what we're seeing here.

Okay, well, this is obviously before I met Eric, but

I submitted evidence just to establish that he has a history of poor hair decisions.

Right.

How old were you in this photo, Eric?

Would you guess?

Ballpark?

I'm saying right around 1920.

Probably 1991.

1991, how old would you have been then?

I would have been 19, 20, depending on what time it was.

Oh, you would have been 19 or 20?

Yes.

1920 is a year, not 19.

Oh, no, no, I apologize.

No, I got it.

19 comes 20, yes.

But I was a little confused because you really do look like Flat Top from Dick Tracy in this moment.

You know,

it could have been 93, I suppose.

All right.

Next slide.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's that good.

Can I add that?

That's a professional haircut.

How old were you in this photo?

Oh, I

16, 15.

And what was wrong with your hair?

It was the late 80s.

What's wrong with his hair is it wanted to be the lead singer of Holland Oates.

You got a little party in the back, and you got a, it's like a party in the back, but like cotton candy in the front.

Oh, yeah, and you know what?

I apologize.

I might be like 18 there.

Anyway.

I'm not 100% sure.

Next slide, please.

Oh, God.

What is this here?

Okay, that's a letter from

Eric's niece, my niece, Shay,

regarding Eric's hair.

Will you read it for the court, please?

Sure.

My uncle has created something very, very dangerous.

This creation is formally known as squirrel hair.

It has become a danger to his family and his name, for because of his light brown, puffy, squirrel-like hair, he is no longer known by his family as Eric or Uncle Eric, but as Mr.

Squirrel Hair.

This creation, the squirrel hair, as I have made a point of saying, is very dangerous and for not only his safety but the safety of others should be under professional control as soon as possible.

Written by Shea,

defendant's niece.

Thank you, Shea, for your testimony.

Of course, you are a child and therefore destined to be cruel.

The next piece of evidence, is there any more from you, Mariah?

Ah.

Now

are we moving into your evidence here, Eric?

This would be my evidence.

All right, tell me what we're seeing here.

We're seeing

a, as you see, Anakin Skywalker that's clearly a professional haircut.

Nothing could be worse than that, or very few things could be worse than that.

You know, Hans Solo clearly didn't go pay a lot for his haircuts.

And then you have yourself.

And then I have my professional haircut, a self-cut, and

something else comparable.

So you're suggesting that because

Hayden Christensen playing Anakin Skywalker had a bad haircut, which was designed by the hair and makeup department.

Indeed.

Right.

And because you had one terrible haircut in the 80s when you were 18 years old, that therefore you should not have to have your hair cut again by a professional.

Oh no, that's just representative of many professional haircuts.

I don't know what any of this means.

Let's move on.

It doesn't necessarily mean much.

This is an example of me seeking out my wife's advice and opinions on my how I look where I was getting my first pair of glasses and I was sending her pictures and saying, can you tell me how you think about this particular pair of glasses or this particular there were five or six I only sent one.

Yes.

And it was just evidence that says I do seek out her opinion and I do

rely on her.

Get a haircut.

She very well may have.

This is maybe, I don't know, three, four years ago.

I'm not sure.

Yes, I can tell it by the model of iPhone that you're using to take this picture.

That was not good evidence.

You know.

So what would you have me rule, Mariah, if I were to find in your favor?

Okay, so I would just like for Eric to get a professional haircut once a month.

And I feel like that would be enough to maintain

you know the back of the head where you need a precise someone who knows what they're doing to create that sort of I don't know what you call it some other human who is not his wife to come look at the back of his head and take care of his neck chops yeah I think I think give him a nice taper or a fade yeah yes and Eric there are lots of different people in the world who might cut your hair who are not your wife

and you've had a couple of bad experiences You're a Serapidist.

More than a couple, but yeah.

How many bad experiences would you think you've had?

I mean, I had my hair cut professionally until I was in my late 30s.

So, I mean,

lots.

I don't know how many.

Okay.

And you've never had one satisfactory experience?

No, I've had a few.

Did you stop having your hair cut right around the same time that you had your first child?

No, it was actually before we met.

Before Maria met.

But he did have his hair professionally cut for our wedding, and it looked great.

And why aren't you seeing that same person anymore?

Is that for me or for her?

Oh, the haircut?

So I went in, I went in.

You had your hair cut right for your wedding.

We know why

she's not seeing the same person anymore.

No, no, I thought you were asking her why she didn't see the same thing in me.

I apologize.

I'm kind of dumb sometimes.

So, no, I went in like several months beforehand for like a test haircut.

And it was, and actually, I did like it.

it was good.

And then when I went back in like two weeks before to get the haircut for the wedding itself, it like wasn't as good.

And I was like, well now I just have the same dumb haircut that I always have.

That whenever I get a professional haircut, it's like, Mariah, did your husband look good at your wedding?

He looked great.

Yeah.

Your opinion doesn't matter, sir.

For the most part, no.

What will it take you to give up this flobe?

If I find in Mariah's favor, will you throw this thing away?

Can I add just one more small point?

Sure.

It's terrifying to our three-year-old child when Eric locks himself in the bedroom with the vacuum.

And then if Floby's involved, it's even worse.

All you have to do is say to your child that it's preparation for further confusion

when daddy's locked in the bathroom in the future.

All right, I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision.

I'm going to go into my private hair salon and take Flobe with me.

And we're going to talk about this.

And yeah, okay, I'm getting to it.

And we'll come back with my verdict in a moment.

Please rise metaphorically

as Judge Sean Hodgman exits to his chambers.

Mariah, your husband's so handsome.

I guess I don't really have a question there.

Eric?

Yes.

Even if the judge decides...

Even if the judge decides against you,

could we be friends?

I mean, we could talk about over a drink afterwards if you wanted to.

Cool.

Well, we'll see what the judge has to say about all of this.

Please rise metaphorically as the judge re-enters the courtroom.

Wait a minute, that's just Flobe.

Flobe and I have been talking it over, and Flobe would like to give the verdict.

All right, that bit's dead.

The thing that bothers me,

Barrick, is you're a handsome man.

Stomping my feet about it.

But of course, Mariah, you're a beautiful woman.

And maybe sometime we could all go out together.

I already have drinks with Jesse after the show.

Jesse can come along too.

The fact that you have hair,

what is your age?

I'm 44.

44.

You should be so glad you have hair.

He's all, he's literally

the lead character of a romantic comedy.

Look at this architect over here.

Right, right.

I guess my real question for you, Mariah, is do you own a cupcake shop?

If you pitched to me a romantic comedy

where a public school teacher met an architect who was really handsome, but he cut his hair with a flow bee,

I'd be like, I get you're trying to include a humanizing detail, but that was an old joke 20 years ago.

None of this, I mean, none of it makes sense.

It is some weird art projects

you are forcing on to my fake court.

Anyone,

any human can go and find someone to cut their hair.

And yes,

you have beautiful, well-textured hair.

It probably requires some special care.

It probably is the case that you've had some bad haircuts.

I've seen visual evidence that affirms that

in shocking detail.

But I can tell you

very

through hard-won personal experience that as someone who has hair that is difficult to cut and make look good, it takes time to find the person who understands the way your hair moves and makes it look good.

And that person is very, very rarely your wife, and

almost

never an attachment to a vacuum juice.

Look,

you got the summary judgment in your favor, and I won't go back on that.

I have to find in your favor, handsome Eric.

Just as you have won in everything in your life.

But

because

you have alpha male manipulated me into wanting the best for you,

I am going to offer you a gift.

I have my hair cut by one person in the world.

Her name, improbably, is Holly Ivey

at Alibi Salon here in New York, and she is backstage right now.

Holly, will you please come on stage?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I don't want

the fact that I've been wearing a dumb cowboy hat all night and sweating like a pig.

to undo the fact that I have a fantastic haircut right now and I credit it all to Holly.

And right now, she's going to take you aside and give you a free haircut by the bar.

I don't know if there's anything you can do

with what this guy's got going on on top, but that is my beta male gift to you.

If there's anything else I can give you, master, let me know.

In the meantime, I find in Eric's favor, this is the sound of a gavel.

Judge John Hodgman rules that as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mariah and Eric.

Eric, you may take this thing

and you may follow Holly to

the station.

I don't think there's a shampoo involved

unless you're going to wash it in the mop bucket here at the bell house.

By the way, I think we should address that Holly is dressed as a haircutting Han Solo right now.

That's right.

Indiana Jones.

Haircutting Indiana Jones.

Fantastic.

Holly Ivy, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be checking in with you a little later on.

You're listening to Judge John Hodgman.

I'm Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

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It's the stuff that professional chefs use, but because it is sold directly to you, it's a lot more affordable than some of the other high-end brands.

We're both big fans of the carbon steel.

I have a little carbon steel skillet.

that my mother-in-law loves to use because cast iron is too heavy for

but she wants that non-stick.

And I know that she can, you know, she can heat that thing up hot if she wants to use it hot.

She can use it to braise if she wants to use it to braise.

It's an immensely useful piece of kitchen toolery.

And it will last a long time.

And whether it's

griddles or pots and pans or knives or glassware or tableware.

I mean, you know, Jesse, I'm sad to be leaving Maine soon, but I am very, very happy to be getting back to my beloved made-in entree bowls.

All of it is incredibly solid, beautiful, functional, and as you point out, a lot more affordable because they sell it directly to you.

If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common.

They're made in, made in.

For full details, visit madeincookwear.com.

That's m-a-d-e-i-n cookware.com.

Let them know Jesse and John sent you.

Judge Hodgman.

Yes.

I'm trying to decide right now.

Okay.

Two options off the top of my head.

One is we continue to prattle on indefinitely.

Okay.

The other was we bring them.

We go out on a date with those people.

I'm literally, I'm going to have to put them out of my mind just so I can muster the confidence to do the rest of the show.

Like, I really feel like I don't deserve to be the one on stage right now.

Anyway, I feel like we could prattle on or we could bring on an amazing musical guest.

We have a wonderful musical guest, and she's more than just a musical guest because she is

a rapper and a singer and an actor and a writer and a bailiff on the Judge Sean Hodgman podcast.

And of course, a very dear friend of both me and Jesse Thorne personally, ladies and gentlemen, Ms.

Jean Gray.

Will you please come next time?

Oh my goodness.

Hi, Jean.

Should I sit down?

Well, yeah, we can chat for a second before you do your thing.

How are you?

I'm good.

I had so many things to say about his hair.

Let's talk about it.

Okay, okay.

First off, he had a flobe.

And I've wanted a flobe for like my entire life.

Yeah, right.

I watched the commercials, and my mom wouldn't order it for me

because it's attached to a vacuum cleaner.

So

she was like, no, that's not going to happen.

And

I, I, okay, so I started cutting my own hair

when

I would go to a lot of salons.

And what happens in either black salons or Dominican salons is either they leave you under the dryer to dye for like three hours

and or you come out looking like you're going to a prom or someone's kinsaniera.

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I just learned how to cut my hair.

Guess what that architect has never been to?

Someone's kinciniera.

Yeah.

Although that would be a great next show.

So yeah, I started cutting my own hair and I went and got a pair of clippers and I learned by like trial and error.

Like my hair is short and like I had to learn learn to cut the back.

How'd you get your neck chops done?

Um,

that's also called a kitchen, white people.

It's not neck chops.

Oh, yeah, okay, I got it.

It's called a kitchen.

Um, I got a mirror, and then I attached it to the wall so that I could see all sides of me.

Oh.

And then I just, you know, you kind of learn how to do it.

Gene, are there any other parts of the head that black people have special names for?

Yes, actually, there are.

What a good question, Jesse.

Thank you, Jean.

Yeah.

Oh, so right, so right back here, that's your kitchen.

Yeah.

And then these are your edges.

Your hairline is very important.

So yeah, when you see someone who has kind of all their edges, you're like, yes.

And he had great edges.

He had a great kitchen.

He's just got to learn.

He needs to get a pair of clippers, and she kind of needs to be in on the action.

And I said, you know, I don't know what you put on Unchained Melody.

That sounds like a good hair-cutting song.

Uh-huh.

And hang out in the bathroom together.

Do a little wheel pottery.

Yeah, yeah.

And try out some gauges on your hair.

Like, it's going to grow out in a second.

Right.

Yeah.

But you don't think you should be using that floby anymore.

I think you should put the flobe.

I would love the flobe.

Right.

If you guys are willing to donate it to me.

Oh, yeah.

No, you know what?

Eric and Mariah, you got to give Gene the Flobe.

Yes!

She's waited a long time for it.

Best show.

Gene, would you like to perform some music for us and our amazing crowd?

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Gray.

All right.

So

last week, I got invited to do this show.

And they were like, it's like a street festival.

It's going to be be really fun, you should come out.

And I was like, I don't really care where it is, how much is it?

And they sent back how much it was gonna be.

I was like, Oh, I'm doing this.

And then they were like, It's a clean show.

And I was like,

people keep asking me to do clean shows, and I'm not sure they actually are familiar with any of my work at all,

because it's like 90%

murders,

and then like 10% love songs but there's usually murder in the love songs.

So I went and I did it and it was in Yonkers.

And it was just kind of a street festival so like people are like getting funnel cake and stuff and then I was like this is where my life is.

So I performed.

I was like, I should rap for this, because kids will like that.

They did not like it.

So I did

really a song.

I was like, oh, it's got good call and response, and I know it by heart.

I don't have to try to do anything.

And it was a weird response.

Like, there was one old Spanish dude on the side, like, just doing this.

And then there was a lady with a cane, but she kind of started throwing up like halfway through it.

So I wanted to do that song.

I was like, where can I perform that in a safe space

where I would feel really good about it and people would be energetic?

And

so I chose you guys.

Who's gonna be a real good rap audience?

These guys.

My life has changed so much.

So, I guess it's kind of a challenge to like,

I want to reclaim this song because it felt really terrible that day.

Also, it was at like four o'clock in the afternoon.

Jesus.

So, if I could get all you guys to stand up

and

be super active for this song, like you're listening to music.

If there's two of you who perhaps want to come on stage and be very active during the song with me, that would be awesome.

I use my vocal fry.

Maybe that's more.

And really, come on.

We don't have much time.

I'm just going to choose you.

Yeah.

You guys are so lovely and encouraging to people.

I love that.

Someone shout out their friend.

Carrie?

No, that's the right one.

Come on.

Yes, no, that is good.

And what's your name?

Jeff.

Jeff.

Jeff with a laugh.

How's that spelled?

H-A-J-E-F-F-H-A-H-A.

Cool.

Indescribable.

Indescribable.

Carrie or Carrie?

Whatever you like with a basket.

Like probably a Carrie basketball.

Carrie.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, with a cat fan.

Okay.

That's a lot.

So Jeff over here.

Carrie over here.

And ha ha, Jeff, if you will.

Ha ha.

So the hook of the song when I say,

You don't like it, so what?

And then you guys yell out, I don't care.

So, it's kind of a flipping the bird to whatever you need to flip the bird to in your life right now.

Just kind of leave it all here tonight.

It'll be great.

So, you guys

have your choreography down?

That's good?

Okay.

This should be not awkward at all.

Just go for it.

Karen, get it.

Oh.

Y'all got legs.

Nope, y'all was supposed to be doing this too.

Let's go.

I heard you screaming, want me back.

I thought you didn't believe in me.

I was whack.

You want that in between Fellini, white, and black?

Well, I don't know, I feel away about your actions.

Reckon you all for me, apologies, security, amazing publicity, occult status, obscurity.

Cause I do nothing but the purity, the love.

Get the fuck on with that, this ain't nothing but maturity.

Don't go get your white gloves together with it.

Grown-ass woman is no prone to fair and shit.

Piss up in your snow comb, jackass.

So here's a tip.

Don't eat the gray snow, go fix your face, bro.

I swing my mace low.

I don't mean mace no.

Go Bo Yarari, that crazy 88 flow.

No, folks, you're all me brats made in a place.

But I'm really not afraid of them.

I'm Project Mayhem.

I'm complex based on an abominable state.

Steady face on a phenomenon in space, buddy.

Take that, take that.

Benny, in your face, Eddie, turn the lights off, petty.

She were not a beautiful snowflake.

Chuck, when the weird gets broke, the weird turn pro punt.

You be gonna use quotes and send your boat game up.

Hit the sample, hit girl.

Now, come on, it ghosts.

You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it.

So what?

I said middle fingers up, let's go.

You don't like it, you don't like it, oh, you don't like it, so what?

Jack is getting ass.

See me, I'm like Judy Blue with Uzis.

You're like Jack Tusso exploring the jacuzzis.

Wow, you really got deep there.

Three feet, whoa, what a fucking reach, yeah.

OMG, can you even come back up for air?

Rock for the mound, no one really really cares.

I'm in a waffle house, deep picking share.

Do you believe at the back house successing on a chair?

Lee's rolled up, I don't give a fuck, fam.

I'm me, so what?

Me, genius, damn.

Five bags, rapid.

I'm the entire back row of the classwood.

You please stop trying to teach me.

I'm passing, advanced freaking smash it.

Heat on a Kelly Kelly readers, Justin, Justin, Kelly, Daxed.

You might not get it, rewind to get active.

I spin spit different, hipster active.

Consider me classic, you're specifically asking if

Well, you guys,

I'm on the top list of motherfuckers who ask it.

Not that the statement's not accurate, just that motherfuckers need to fix the facts a bit.

Your favorite path of drinking rabbits.

Okay, come on.

Fingers in the air.

Back to dancers.

Let's go.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

So what?

I'm bringing Jacks everywhere.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

you don't like it, so what?

Lord

have

mercy.

Lord, have

mercy.

Why does it trail in like that?

It's not a Gregorian chant.

Lord, have.

Get to cut it off.

Lord, have.

Thank you.

Just wasted a lot of bars there.

You don't like it?

Fuck it, I failed.

Yeah, old hair the prevailing queen of fuckery air.

Crown tilted to the side, dripping fuck on the air.

Up chucking a beard, leg, humping a stud.

Gun tucked in the rear, body ducked in the mud.

We're just gonna let carry and drift do what it does right now.

Go hard, go hard, go hard right here, go hard.

We're gonna do the hook one more time.

Ready?

Here ready?

You don't like it, you don't like it, you don't like it, so what?

What did I tell you about the fake?

What?

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

So what?

I'm standing right in front of you.

Keep it off.

Keep it off.

Everybody sit down.

Just you.

You guys stand there like you're about to do something to him.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

So what?

I don't care.

I didn't feel that.

You don't like it.

You don't like it.

Oh.

she.

She has a hard as well.

My name is Gene Gray.

Kay, Jeff.

Gene Gray, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, Gene Gray.

Gene Gray, online at Gene Gray, G-R-A-E dot bandcamp.com.

You can pick up her brand new album.

It's called Seven.

You can support her on Patreon, patreon.com/slash Jean Gray.

Jean,

you've done my job before on this show.

Yes, I have.

So you're well qualified.

Do you want to stick around with us?

Yeah, hell yeah.

Gene Gray.

Fantastic.

Ollie Ivy, how's it going over there at the haircutting station?

So far, so good.

Do you have anything to work with over there?

I mean, he didn't leave a lot for you.

Actually, he did.

Aliyavi sees things that I cannot, apparently.

Great.

So shall we move on to the next case?

Yeah, actually, you know, we have some more friends of the show here tonight we can bring on.

You want to?

Sure.

So I recently, or relatively recently, received an email from a listener to the show who is here tonight.

I think he wins the,

hands down, the longest distance traveled award

as he spent the past year in Antarctica, where he listened to this podcast there in the lost continent.

I actually don't believe Antarctica exists.

I think it's a government conspiracy, and I'm just very curious to know whether he's a real person.

He claims that today is his birthday, and he's here with his girlfriend.

So please welcome to the stage Dave King and Rebecca Hirota.

Are you here?

Oh my goodness.

This is about

as weird as I worried it would be.

Hello, John Hodgman.

Judge Hodgman, it's a clockwork man.

That's right.

Dave.

Rebecca, you don't have to be here.

I know.

I know.

Rebecca, you don't.

You have choices and you're able to make them at any time.

Dave, you have a remarkable mustache that goes very far from your face and in different directions.

Yeah.

And I just want to remind you, you're not in Antarctica anymore.

You can be a normal now.

We'll see how long it lasts.

So you wrote to me, I think you were still in Antarctica at the time.

I was, I was.

And I was amazed to get your email.

What were you doing there?

I was a painter painting the dormitory where the scientists sleep in the summer.

So you were not a fine arts painter.

You were kind of more of a dormitorial.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was if you can paint a wall white or blue, you got a job.

Well, there are a lot of people who can do those things.

How did you get this job or seek it out?

I have no idea.

How were you punished with this job?

Was it the situation where you were walking down the street in Toledo, Ohio, and then you got ethered, and then you woke up in Antarctica and were told to paint a wall?

I applied to a government website.

Hold for applause.

And

they picked me.

And why did you want to go?

Why not?

Why not?

That's the sort of thing.

Why not?

That's the sort of thing that Dave would say.

I wanted to see what was there.

What is the rest of your life like?

What were you doing up until that point?

Because I had presumed that you were a qualified scientist of some kind.

Oh, oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Not a weirdoed mustache man.

Oh, no, no, no.

I applied for a scientist of mustachioed and bikes.

Right, okay.

So you were a scientist?

Oh, yes.

Still am.

Complete scientist?

That's the word?

How has time travel been working out for you?

It's hard on the brain.

Yeah.

I didn't go to college.

I see.

I'm not a scientist.

All right.

What were you doing before you got this job?

Model maker, prop maker.

For movies and TV.

For movies and TV.

And like, what movies did you work on?

Avengers.

That's a real one.

Black?

Uh-huh.

What kind of models and props did you make for Avengers?

You make a shield?

We made the shield.

Thor's hammer.

You didn't.

But what do you say, we?

Me and the studio that I worked at.

Oh, cool.

Fantastic.

Yeah.

And then one day you were like, I'm done with that.

And then when I was like, like,

I'm done with human society.

That's right.

I'm at the bottom of the world and paint a wall white.

Rebecca, how long have you known this weirdo?

Almost two years.

So pre-Antarctica or post-Antarctica?

Pre- and post-Wow, did you go down and visit him at any time?

I couldn't.

No.

No.

No, because you couldn't paint a wall?

No.

You weren't qualified the way he was?

I was not qualified to paint the wall as a scientist.

It's a lot harder than

that.

What did you think when he decided to go down there?

I was supportive of his choices.

You've put up with a lot, haven't you?

That's a very good girlfriend or something.

That's a lot of eccentricity, right?

Yay, it's his birthday.

Happy birthday, by the way.

Thank you.

Thank you.

When did you get back from the ball?

I got back the day before Thanksgiving.

And have you had any difficulties adjusting to northern times?

Modern times.

Modern times.

It's hard making my own choices on what to eat and do.

What was it like to be living in Antarctica?

Like, what do you remember the most?

Do they even have velocipedes there?

I don't even know what that is.

I'm not a scientist.

It's one of those guys with one giant wheel and one tiny wheel.

I like it.

No, those are guys that do not.

Thank you.

I liked it a lot.

I got it.

That one was for me.

Let the record show the guy that's got a weird mustache looks like he should be riding one of those bicycles with one of those big wheels, one of those small wheels.

A penny farthing.

A penny farthing, that's right.

Back from a.

Sorry I didn't use the right word for you.

Let the record show he's making disturbing motions.

Penny farthing.

Motion.

What do you remember the most about Antarctica?

I was in a band, and I don't play an instrument.

This is the thing that I'm curious.

You are on one of the most remote terrains on Earth with profoundly challenging

ecological conditions.

And what you remember is I was in a band.

Yep.

I played like drums.

You don't understand.

White people are so amazing.

Thank you.

Gene, thank you very much.

You left your job at the Avengers to pay no walls.

Gene,

it was a lot of walls.

Gene, Judge Hodges.

Doran is the crux finder, but I think you found the crux of our entire podcast.

Shut it down, everyone.

Turn off the lights.

I couldn't hold it in anymore.

You are at the literal bottom of the earth.

earth.

You could be talking about how strange it was to be so far away from Rebecca and what it was like to be in an incredibly regimented environment where you all had to pitch in in order to survive.

And you're like, I'm in a band.

You want to tell me about your goddamn drum solo?

You truly do belong in Brooklyn, sir.

He's looking across like a vast ice mesa and like going through his head is, is, what am I going to tell them when they ask what my influences are?

Who were your neighbors down there?

The Kiwis, they were about two kilometers away.

Right.

But in your, I mean,

I suppose you weren't in a solo yurt?

No, I had a dorm that it was a four-person dorm.

And who were you?

Who are your three people?

No one.

You were all alone?

Yeah.

You got a single?

Sweet.

Yeah.

That's one of the benefits of winter.

Wow.

And how did you get the Judge John Hodgman podcast in Antarctica?

Very slowly.

Because it was being mailed to me.

It was being shipped piece by piece by satellite, right, alien satellite tech to me.

Yes.

You know, Judge Hodgman, this is actually not the first time one of my podcasts has been heard in Antarctica.

In like the very dawn of podcasting, in like 2005,

this guy emails me and he says, I'm in charge of the CDs that go on the plane to Antarctica

that they just put in a stack to run the Antarctica radio station.

I had a radio show down there.

So I played everything.

This dude went to Antarctica to have a college radio show.

Well, I didn't go to college, so that was great.

Did you play all different kinds of stuff?

Like, sometimes it's John Coltrane, and sometimes it's churches.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I like to keep it eclectic.

What was was your go-to jam on?

Hmm.

Ooh, that's tough.

Probably the Airborne Toxic Event.

Do you know them?

LA-based event?

No, I don't know.

And Johnny Cash.

I think that's

Joel's favorite band.

And Johnny Cash.

Johnny Cash.

And the animals, If We Ever Get Out of This Place.

That's a good song.

Well, that, I think, probably spoke to a lot of people down there.

Yeah.

Right.

Do you have any disputes with Rebecca?

Well, you know what?

Let me ask.

This might be more productive.

Rebecca, do you have any disputes

with Dave?

We have one about surprises, and I feel like a surprise is one where you actually enter into it and it is a complete surprise and it's like, yay!

Versus when you tell somebody, I have a surprise for you, and then it just feels like a secret that they're not telling you.

How many times a day does he go, I have a surprise for you?

How many times is it train tracks?

It's not even half.

Okay.

It's not even half.

No.

And so you would like me to rule that Dave can no longer say, I have a surprise for you.

Unless it's a legitimate surprise.

Yes, it is.

Or a legitimate surprise.

And can you give me an example of one time when this had gone wrong before?

Gone wrong.

It doesn't go wrong.

Well, I hate to say that.

Well, I'm sure you've never noticed anything going wrong.

Because you're a weird mustachioed psychopath who will leave for Antarctica at the drop of a hat.

Well, okay.

So I had certain

for my birthday, we had certain prerequisites of like what things I wanted.

I didn't want to plan it and I wanted to see all my friends and I wanted to, there would be an event.

And so I knew that there was something coming and they wanted it to be surprised, but so much so that nobody told me when it was or where it was

until like the day of, and I had to call someone up and be like, Hey, where am I supposed to be?

And that was not this.

Was a surprise that did not make you happy, just felt cruel and confusing.

All right, I gotcha.

Dave, do you have anything you want to say about that?

All right, good.

I find it Rebecca's favor,

ladies and gentlemen.

Dave and Rebecca, all the way from Antarctica.

You know, we've been doing My Brother, My Brother, me for 15 years.

And

maybe you stopped listening for a while.

Maybe you never listened.

And you're probably assuming three white guys talking for 15 years.

I know where this has ended up.

But no.

No, you would be wrong.

We're as shocked as you are that we have not fallen into some sort of horrific scandal or just turned into a big crypto thing.

Yeah, you don't even really know how crypto works.

The only NFTs I'm into are naughty, funny things, which is what we talk about on my brother, my brother, and me.

We serve it up every Monday for you if you're listening.

And if not, we just leave it out back and goes rotten.

So check it out on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

All right, we're over 70 episodes into our show.

Let's learn everything.

So let's do a quick progress check.

Have we learned about quantum physics?

Yes, episode 59.

We haven't learned about the history of gossip yet, have we?

Yes, we have.

Same episode, actually.

Have we talked to Tom Scott about his love of roller coasters?

Episode 64.

So, how close are we to learning everything?

Bad news, we still haven't learned everything yet.

Oh, we're ruined!

No, no, no, it's good news as well.

There is still a lot to learn.

Woo!

I'm Dr.

Ella Hubber.

I'm regular Tom Law.

I'm Caroline Roper, and on Let's Learn Everything, we learn about science and a bit of everything else too.

And although we haven't learned everything yet, I've got a pretty good feeling about this next episode.

Join us every other Thursday on Maximum Fun.

Holly, I don't see you cutting hair over there anymore.

Are we all done?

Can we see the results?

I believe Eric.

Handsome Eric is over there by the sound booth.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome back up to the stage the very handsome Eric.

Handsome Eric.

Here he comes.

Your white privileged man.

Neck chops.

Where is Mariah?

Did she come come, Mariah?

I need your feedback.

Oh,

hubbub, hubbub, hubbub.

I didn't think it was.

Rudabaga, rude baga, rudabaga.

Peas and carrots, peas and carrots.

And what happened to the flobe?

Where's the floby currently?

It's over there.

Yeah, I need it.

I need it for Gene.

No, no, someone bring it up.

Mariah, sit down.

It's in a bag on the floor.

It's in a bag on the floor.

Someone will bring it, I'm sure.

Ladies and gentlemen,

before you give your response to the haircut, Mariah, how do you feel about it?

Oh, I think it looks awesome.

It's very clean.

It's all one length where it needs to be.

It has the correct gradient effect in the back.

I just can't stop looking at you, Eric.

The way that you're pretending to be a little embarrassed is just really getting me.

Eric, if I'm on.

That's my first rodeo.

Eric, I haven't stopped thinking about you since you left the stage.

Holly,

I hope that Eric will consider visiting you again at Alibi Salon here in Soho, New York, because I think you're the best haircutter in the business.

But just for his future reference, tell us a little bit about the challenges of his hair.

Well surprisingly, there weren't that many because as we established in the case, Eric was blessed with a gorgeous head of hair

that he was abusing.

Are you.

What were the mistakes he was making?

Phlobe entirely or were there other mistakes?

No, no, mostly the phloby.

And then

I believe he,

as we discussed in the case, there was some sideburn issues, which I don't think were Flobe related.

I think that was self-inflicted as well.

So basically, to get him started, we sort of corrected where the

rubber hits the road, so to say,

on the sides there.

And

with a little professional guidance and a little less self-maintenance, I think he'll be on the road to recovery.

He might.

He might somehow be able to survive in American society.

Can Can we get Eric to remove the glasses so he can see the.

It's Superman!

All right, Eric, please take this Flobe

in your hands.

Hand that to Eric.

I want you to say goodbye, Flobe.

Goodbye.

And I want you to walk it over to Jean Gray and give it to her.

Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Mariah, thank you so much.

We have one more case to rule on.

Would you like to retire to your chambers?

I really do.

Yes.

Let's welcome our next set of litigants to the stage, Leora and Sam.

Wow, this is fun.

Tonight, silence of the jams.

Leora brings the case against her fiancé, Sam.

Leora is uncomfortable with Sam's trumpet practicing at home because they live so close to their neighbors.

She'd like him to find a practice space outside the apartment.

Sam thinks that if if no one's complaining, it's fine to practice at home.

Who's right?

Who's wrong?

Only one man can decide.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and delivers the obscure cultural reference.

I'm

a fiend.

When it comes to good pastry, and the French make the best as far as I'm concerned.

Bailiff Jesse Thorne, swear them in.

Please raise your right hands.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God, or whatever?

I do.

I do.

Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he believes music to be unnecessary, given that his own mellifluous voice exists in this wonderful world?

I do.

I do.

Very well, Judge Hodgman.

Leora and Sam, you are the most delightful band camp couple I've ever seen in my life.

Let the record show that Leora is carrying a trombone and Sam has a trumpet by his side.

Thank you very much for bringing your instruments.

For an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, can either of you name the person I was quoting as I entered the courtroom?

Let's see, Sam, you have been brought against your will to my court, so you can guess first or make Leora guess first.

What is your choice?

Leora will guess first.

Leora will guess first, the typical maneuver of the coward.

Leora, it is up to you.

You may guess.

I'm going to go with Dizzy Gillespie.

Dizzy Gillespie, a very famous trumpeter, Jesse Thorne.

You can put that in the guess book now.

It is up to you, Sam.

What is your guess?

I will say the saxophonist Bleeding Gums Murphy from The Simpsons.

Bleeding Gums Murphy from The Simpsons.

All guesses are wrong, although one guess was okay.

Dizzy Gillespie was was a pretty good guess.

This is a trumpet-themed dispute, not a saxophone-themed dispute.

And I promise you, I will never quote The Simpsons.

Not that they're not brilliant, but a little on the nose.

Would you believe that that quote was from a different trumpeter?

Who can you guess?

Not Dizzy Gillespie, but a famous jazz trumpeter?

Come on, you have to know another one.

Come on, Lenora, I'm counting on you.

You're holding a brass instrument.

Miles Davis is a fiend for pastry.

As

recounted in Miles Davis' autobiography, A Fiend for Pastry.

Jesse will attest that as we drove here in our minivan from Boston today, I was having a hard time finding a good trumpet-themed cultural reference.

And I dug through many of the Miles Davis quotes, but they were all so typically Miles Davisian in that they were provocative, smart, thoughtful, philosophical, and so forth.

And abusive to women.

I just Googled trumpet quotes.

You Googled trumpet quotes.

Well, you and I were doing the same thing today.

And though he said a lot of things, the thing that really made him human to me was he was a fiend for pastry.

So now we have to hear this case.

Wait, no, hold on.

I'm offering a special bailiff's citation to either of you who can play the night court theme on your instrument right now.

If you could sing it, I might be able to play it.

Oh my goodness.

These people are young and they must be forgiven.

It's probable that we'll never hear the night court theme again in our lives.

No citations issued.

I'm sorry.

But Sam and Leora, you have a dispute.

Leora, you are a trombonist.

Sam is an aspiring trumpeter.

He practices in your apartment, and you don't like this.

Is that correct?

That's correct.

Where do you live?

We just moved to Park Slope, but we formerly lived in Morningside Heights.

And where and

Sam, how long have you been playing the trumpet?

For two months.

I bet you sound pretty good.

Lior, how long have you been playing the trombone?

About 20 years.

Uh-huh.

Sam, what's going on?

How long have you guys been together?

Four years.

Four years?

And about two months ago,

you were listening to Leora

play that beautiful trombone, and you were like, I got to get in on this.

No, that's not how it happened.

How did it happen?

So,

we took a holiday to Puerto Rico, and I just fell in love with salsa music.

Oh.

Let the record show that Leora is laughing uncontrollably.

Well, for months after that, he kept saying,

he kept saying, baby, would you like me better if I played the trumpet?

Something about your trip to Puerto Rico?

made you feel insecure in your relationship.

You just saw, you just, you,

you you knew that she was a brass player, and you saw a lot of really hot brass players down there, and you're like, I'm going to lose her if

I don't pick up at least the flugel horn.

Is that what happened?

What do you do for a living, Sam?

I'm a neuroscientist.

You're a neuroscientist.

Leora, what do you think?

Doctor, heal thyself.

I am also a neuroscientist.

Wow.

Is there something about...

Is there something about it?

I just want to say it in a different way for this case.

White people are amazing.

Good job.

There are so many questions I could ask.

You're a neuroscientist.

Why do you play the trombone still?

Or do you?

I don't.

No.

This is actually not really relevant to our dispute.

You just carried it around with you?

No, the last thing I played in was the medical school musical, which was

The Music Man, so I couldn't resist it.

Sure, of course.

And you were one of 76 trombones in that musical?

Yeah.

I got you.

Well, there's trouble right here in Gowana City between the two of you.

So, Sam, you fell in love with sals music.

What did you fall in love with exactly?

Just the style and how cheerful it is and

I don't know.

It just all sounds good.

You listen to it, you want to smile.

Okay, or play the trumpet.

So that's a pretty fair

characterization of salsa music.

If Salia Cruz's ghost was here right now, he'd be like, you know what?

I like how cheerful you are.

So did you buy a trumpet and then start taking lessons?

No, this was a magical thing that happened.

I said for a while I was just asking everyone if they would like me better if I was playing the trumpet.

And then I was having a hat.

That must have been a fun fun period.

And then I was having a dinner party, and my friend said, Well, I just have an extra trumpet.

And she gave it to me

on the long term.

And

then I looked up where to get trumpet lessons.

And so now I'm taking trumpet lessons from a guy in Harlem who's great, Tyler Tritt.

I recommend him to anyone.

Tyler Tritt?

Yeah, that's right.

T-R-I-T-T?

That's right.

Tyler Tritt, who plays the trumpet.

Everything's a rep with you, Gene.

Directs.

Alright, and your problem is that he's practicing at home.

Yes.

Are you moved by the fact that he has picked up the trumpet in order to make himself more attractive to you and emulate your brass expertise?

Absolutely.

I commend him for picking up the trumpet at the same time.

Is he more attractive to you now?

Every day.

Do you have any evidence that his practicing at home is bothering the neighbors?

Because that's your complaint, right?

That's my complaint.

Since we have moved, it is a different situation.

So I don't really know the neighbors yet.

We never had complaints, but based on my own reaction to the trumpet,

I could only assume that others might be bothered.

Are you trying to put off on neighbors what you are feeling?

Yes.

I see.

What part of Park Slope do you live in?

We really just moved and I.

So you don't know your address?

No.

Do you know?

Yes, we're at 6th and 6th.

Oh yeah, I've heard you guys playing.

And you would like me to order that he find a practice space?

Yes.

And why is that not acceptable to you, Sam?

It's already pretty inconvenient to pick up an instrument, especially.

Right, because it's so heavy, it's made of brass.

Yeah, right.

No, it's just you're doing something you're bad at.

And

I get to work at

the clock, I get home at nine o'clock.

I think that if there was any more inconvenient, I just wouldn't do it.

When you say inconvenient, you mean embarrassing or uncomfortable?

Yeah, that's part of inconvenience, definitely.

Are you practicing after 9 o'clock at night?

No, so this is one of the things that we've discussed is that the practice hours are between 9 to 9.

So typically I could go and get it right late.

12 hours a day?

No.

In neurosciences for an hour in between.

I get up, I do five hours of trumpet, then an hour of neurosciencing.

Everybody suffers.

When do you practice that trumpet?

Sometimes 9 to 12 in the morning, or if I get home from work before 9 o'clock then I'll do an 8 to 9 slot.

Okay, that's got to stop.

8 to 9 is no good.

And only if I'm not there.

What's that?

And only if I'm not there these days.

Oh really?

He'll only practice if you're not there?

I don't understand.

Well, I've had so many complaints about it that he's taken to practicing when I'm not there.

Oh, I see.

So it's a lot of restrictions.

All right, Sam, get it up.

Let's hear you play.

I only know one song.

He might need some help from everyone.

From everyone?

Everyone knows this song.

Yeah, here.

I think we can help.

Does anyone here play the trumpet?

Yeah, bear in mind, you're going to play trumpet in front of some of the finest brass players in Brooklyn, if not the world.

I noticed that on the way in.

Yeah.

One of them has a master's degree in Duba.

No joke.

All right, hit it then, since you feel so great about yourself right there.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Back for its root

for leave

they don't wait

the same.

I like that end note that he came in on his

ladies and gentlemen.

The theme from Night Court, ladies and gentlemen,

Sam and Leora, that was truly magical.

I have to say that I really practiced.

I have to say I'm honestly impressed for two months' worth of lessons.

I think you're doing very well.

And yeah.

I've never played an instrument.

I don't know why at this time of my life I wanted to start learning how to play an instrument, but.

Right, you want Leora to love you and

not run away with the salsomen.

The salsimen.

They're called salseros.

I'm not even gonna go into chambers for this one because I just think it's so charming that you would do that for us and I'm very grateful.

Leora, do you have anything you want to play, solo?

Or I mean you came in on the end there.

I'm not the one trying to learn a brass instrument.

I know, but I just want to, just for comparison's sake, do you have anything from the music man you could just drop down for us?

Oh my god, that was like two years ago.

I haven't picked this up since then.

Well.

The two of you will be leading the big parades together soon.

Moxie?

Yes.

I would just like to say one thing in my defense is that as we were moving out of our last apartment, I bumped into the downstairs neighbor.

And I asked him, I said, you must have heard me practicing the trumpet.

And he's like, oh yeah, I heard.

And I said,

are you suggesting he's into it sexually?

No, well, I asked him if the noise bothered him.

And he said, well, you're not going to be any Louis Armstrong, but I don't have any noise complaints.

I got to say,

I think that you should continue to practice and get better until the music sounds really good.

8 to 9 p.m., no way.

You can practice between 11.30 a.m.

and 12.30 p.m.

Monday through Friday.

and then go for a walk in the park in the weekends and you have to busk

Can I offer a little bit of suggestion too?

Please.

Because I think

also, and like as a child of musicians who were like playing amazing stuff, and then I had to take lessons, and when I was playing, everything sounded terrible.

And also, because I think neighbors in new neighbors in Brooklyn are very passive-aggressive about things, so they might not be complaining, but just sitting in their apartments, like, oh my God.

So, I say be proactive about it and maybe post up a little sign downstairs, like, hey, if this is bothering you, please, you know, you can talk to us about it.

And don't keep playing the same song back to back every day.

Because there'll be a time that everyone at 9 a.m.

is like, goddamn ball game, that goddamn ball game.

So maybe pick like two songs and switch them up.

Yeah.

So

let your star twinkle, buddy.

Yeah.

Don't provide sacks of trumpet water torture for your neighbors.

That's Bailiff Gene Gray.

That's Bailiff Jesse Thorne.

This is the sound of a gavel.

Judge Sean Hodgman rules.

Leora and Sam, thank you so much.

Let's see what happens when you practice music for a long period of your life, shall we?

Yeah, absolutely.

Gene, would you perform another song for us to take us out this evening?

I would.

I'm going to go put my flow beam back there.

I'll take your flow be for you.

Okay.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, here comes

your Gene Gray.

Hey, folks, here's the story of Manny the Mocha.

She was a low-down hoochie coocher.

She was a right

type of friend.

But Manny had a hard ass bigger whale.

Howdy, hotty, hotty, hide.

He gave her his town townhouse and his racing horses.

Each meal she ate was a dozen courses.

She had a million dollars in nickels and dimes.

She sat around and counted it a million times.

Addy aye,

aye, aye, aye.

little

Po

man

Poor

man

Poverty.

I gotta stop smoking.

Me.

Gene Gray

and the pitch black brass band, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's hear it for him.

Our thanks to Jean Gray and the Pitch Black Brass Band for playing us some great music in Brooklyn.

Jean Gray is on Twitter at Jean Greasy.

If you're near Brooklyn, you can catch her Church of the Infinite You on Sundays at Union Hall.

Pitch Black Brass Band are on tour in February.

You can find their dates and more information at pitchblackbrassband.com.

That's black spelled B-L-A-K.

And oh man, that was a fun live show.

I recommend going to that concert.

Thank you also to the litigants who shared their disputes with us, to the staff at the Bell House for their help.

And special thanks to Holly Ivey at Alibi Salon for her haircutting expertise.

Ian Brody and Allie Hoover named this week's cases.

The show was produced by Danielle Davis, Matthew Barnhart, and Jennifer Marmer.

Tickets are going quickly for Max FunCon and Max FunCon East.

Visit maxfuncon.com for more information.

And if you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, submit it at maximumfun.org slash JJHO.

That's maximumfund.org slash JJ HO.

You can follow us on Twitter.

I'm at Jesse Thorne.

Hodgman is at Hodgman.

And before we go, something really magical happened when we were in Brooklyn.

I happened to be backstage.

I saw an open horn case, and there was a telephone in there, a smart telephone, open to the website youtube.com.

And I looked at it and I thought, huh,

that looks like the title card from the sitcom Night Court.

They couldn't be.

While we were on stage,

let's go to the grand finale of our show taped live in Brooklyn.

And the stage of the Bell House and the pitch black brass band Making My Dreams Come True.

Maybe you might want to do one more or two?

All right,

maybe, let's see.

Maybe a new song if you, if you know, and

MaximumFun.org.

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