SEX COACH CAITLIN V

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Hey guys, so today I brought in a fantastic sex expert.

That's right.

My guest today, Caitlin V, is a relationships and sex expert who has been doing this for decades.

She has tons of experience and a massive audience on YouTube.

She is going to help us with a lot of our pressing issues.

And guys, pay attention because this is for you.

Caitlin does tons and tons of videos that help guys in terms of how to perform better in bed, how to last longer, how to have more sex in your relationship, and how you can become an amazing lover.

I hope you guys enjoyed this X-rated, super spicy, very sexual and delicious episode of Cat on the Lose with Caitlin.

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you do amazing work how'd you get started on that i was i always knew from when i was a teenager that i was going to help people enjoy sex more uh-huh so i figured out how to have orgasms at a really early age.

And by the time I got to school, when they started explaining to me about sex and sexuality, the model was all about disease and pregnancy, right?

And I was like, this isn't what I've been experiencing.

Like I know that this could be really fun.

And I was really excited to start sharing it, you know, and having sex with other partners.

And so I thought people were really being robbed of their sexuality.

Like it could be so exciting and fun.

And I think pleasure is a birthright.

So I think we should be empowering people to experience pleasure.

I love that.

And then I became a researcher and then I research was too dry dry and clinical and boring.

And so I left that to become a coach and ended up on YouTube.

Fantastic.

I think it's so cool that you're saying that because, you know, I come from different countries.

I come from Brazil and my dad was French.

And I always say that in general, maybe you don't agree with me, Americans are very uptight when it comes to talking about.

Well, especially compared to Brazil and France.

Right.

But when I meet someone like you, I'm like, wow, that's really cool because obviously you're different.

Yeah, and I was just like kind of born this way.

I mean, I knew, like I said, from a young age, that's what I want to do.

I, you you know it's not that i had like particularly open parents i grew up in the midwest oh my god saying particularly like relaxed or progressive culture i just had a very deep sense and i think my superpower is making very difficult conversations feel very safe i love that and i think it's beyond time i i even feel stupid saying that but it's beyond time that we normalize women talking about sex and asking for what they want in bed like you know we're not whores because we want to right Yeah, research shows that women and men want sex in the same amounts.

We just want it differently.

And the way that all of us have been taught that sex works is very much based on what men want.

And that's not any one man's fault, right?

That's kind of the way that it's progressed over time.

A lot of it has to do with the conservative culture and the puritanical culture of the United States.

Like we've kind of boiled down sex to just its most basic parts.

And it's not a model that is working for anyone.

anymore.

And, you know, my specialty really is like helping men to address their sexual challenges because they're like, they know it's not working yeah so guys listen up because like you just said you do a lot of incredibly cool videos for guys and i think it's important for women because we want to help our guys to feel more comfortable and perform better in bed but i think guys if you're ever ashamed or embarrassed because i have dated and i know a lot of friends and a lot of guys that are embarrassed right if they need help they want to ask for help so this is a perfect episode for men out there 10 million questions let's try to pack it up as much as we possibly can.

So, in your videos, and you do talk about it, but for the guys here listening, a lot of guys are intimidated.

Like, they want to perform better.

They want to last longer.

They want all these things, but they don't even know like where to go.

Like an easy, proactive first step.

Like, let's say a guy out there is listening, like, but okay, what are they talking about?

Where do I even start?

Yeah, where do I even start?

Because many of them are, they're not going to go to a doctor or, you know, so to speak and say, hi, I'm not good in bed or whatever.

Right.

Or they do go to a doctor and that's the only place they go, right?

And then the doctor's like, you know, here's a pill, but maybe if you have premature ejaculation, there's no pill.

Even if you have erectile dysfunction, you can take a pill and it may not work, right?

So

you need to have, I think the very first step is like a real honest evaluation of your own sex life and your own performance.

And then being a little more clear on what it is that you want, right?

I think these conversations can even be a little scary to have just with ourselves let alone with a partner so beginning by saying okay what's the real numbers here like i wanted to get hard five times last week but i was only able to get hard one time or i want to be able to last until she reaches an orgasm but i'm regularly coming within five to ten minutes and then also Compare your numbers when you're solo to when you're with a partner.

Do you always get hard when you're masturbating?

Can you last 10 minutes when you're masturbating, but only three minutes with a partner?

So, you know, I'm a former scientist.

And so usually where I go to first is like, let's get our actual, let's wrap our heads around the data because then we can get a way more clear perspective on what's happening and where we want to go.

And once we know where we want to go, maybe where you want to go is like last an hour, but maybe where you want to go is last 20 minutes because that's all she needs in order to have, you know, one or two orgasms and be satisfied.

When we have an idea of what's possible, like where we're headed, then we can get to that first goal.

And then a lot of my clients in coaching, you know, they'll say like, I want to be able to control my orgasm.

Great.

All right.

So we get them there.

And then they're like, what else is possible?

That's a tough one for a lot of guys, by the way, right?

Controlling orgasm.

Controlling orgasms.

Yeah, up to 30% of men deal with premature ejaculation, at least at some point in their life.

And maybe they don't think it's premature.

And a lot of them think that they're going to grow out of it.

There's a very common sort of misconception that, you know, ejaculating early is something that you do when you're younger or when you're sexually inexperienced.

So then they get to their 30s or their 40s, their 50s, and they're still ejaculating early.

And then there's a lot of shame because they're like, I thought I was just supposed supposed to grow out of this.

It's actually incredibly common.

And then on the other hand, we have erectile dysfunction impacting 40% of men in their 40s, 50% in their 50s, 60% in their 60s.

And I believe very strongly, and based on my own experience working with clients, that it does not have to be that way.

But we've sort of collectively accepted that it just is like that, right?

Yeah.

But it doesn't need to be

a lot.

Yeah.

And as women, like if a guy comes too quickly, I mean, I think for most women, you don't want to say anything because you don't want to make them feel bad, right?

right well i mean this is core to one of the issues that exists between men and women in bed is this communication challenge right men don't say it right they're not they're not the ones who are like oh let me name that i just came too quickly and and take ownership of that but women also don't want to make men feel uncomfortable so maybe we don't say anything and then we kind of are just like it's okay it's good enough maybe it'll get better and then what happens is that after having like just good enough or not very good sex for years we don't want to have sex anymore right because there's nothing really in it for us or you get unhappy right Like you get frustrated in that relationship.

A lot of people end up cheating because of that, because they are unfulfilled sexually.

Totally.

And then they, you know, it's interesting.

Like men will say that it's okay for them to cheat if they're sexually unfulfilled.

And women will say it's okay for themselves to cheat.

This is like really wide look at the research if they're not being emotionally fulfilled.

So when women cheat for sex reasons, it's really devastating.

And it's really devastating for the male partners too, right?

Just the same way that for us, I assume this is true for you.

Like if you found out that your man was having an emotional relationship and telling all of his vulnerabilities and his secrets and his deepest, you know, like really loving on another woman, that hurts.

If you tell me like, oh, it was just sex, I was just horny or whatever, like, I'm not saying that that doesn't hurt.

It does hurt.

But it hurts differently for each other.

I totally agree.

Well, I'm a major communicator.

I really speak my mind a lot.

Like every guy I ever dated, they say the same thing.

Like, you talk about everything.

I would hope couples talk about their issues before they ever get to that point of cheating because there's so much trouble, the lies, the bullshit

if everybody were able to communicate better in bed hopefully you don't get to that point well it's communicate but then also meet that communication like do something about it right yeah and the trick is to be able to communicate from a place that isn't blamey or shamey so like i want our sex to last longer instead of like you always come too soon right or i want our sex to be better instead of i'm never having any orgasms and it's your fault or something along those lines right like there's there's a lot to say about how we communicate these things and it goes back to women don't want to hurt men's feelings we don't want to hurt men's egos we don't want to like destroy their confidence, right?

Like it's actually coming from a place of love that we don't say anything.

But by not saying anything, we're not actually able to make any changes.

And like, you know, you said prevent those things from happening later on.

Yeah.

So there is a

training, I don't know if that's the word,

to help guys.

Last longer and not come so quickly.

I have my own method that I developed through working with 300 clients.

It's called the come when you want method.

Oh, my God.

And I'll be sure to give you links for everything that we talk about today so that you're

listening to go and check that out.

But I also have a heart-as-you-want method, which is developing

better erections and more consistent and more reliable erections as well.

And I have trainings on pretty much anything.

Yeah, your website is packed with websites.

It's very

sexy.

It's packed with information.

Yes, I have a, there's a lover.

You want to get better at touching her.

You want to help her have orgasms more easily.

You want to last longer yourself.

You want to get harder.

You you want to have a bigger penis a lot of guys don't know that you can actually get a larger penis i want to talk about

yeah we need like three hours but i'll come back

yes yes you're gonna have to be like a recurring guest because this is like such a rich subject you mentioned on your website you are saying like in terms of getting harder and and you have methods that we're not talking about medication right yeah my goal is always to restore people's bodies to their functioning without medication no i'm not against medication right me neither

They call me like a supplement queen because I have like a whole closet full of supplements.

Like, I believe in supporting the physical and the biochemical processes of the body, but I want that to be our, in addition to using the body's own inherent intelligence in order to have it perform better.

My thinking on this is really simple.

We evolved to be able to have sex, right?

We evolved to procreate.

If it were not for sex, we would not be here, right?

And our particular Homo sapien line has 400,000 years of pretty much uninterrupted sexual reproduction, right?

It's not until the last couple generations that we have things like IVF and, you know, we can create embryos and things like.

Up until your grandparents, no one ever got to planet Earth without sex, right?

So sex is meant to work.

All of us are meant to be just the same way that like food and digestion, right?

Like

our bodies are inherently capable of digesting food.

Not everyone can digest lactose, not everyone can digest gluten, but when you understand how to feed your body, your body responds in kind and you are nourished, right?

And I think sex is very similar.

We're meant to do it.

And so if it's not working for you, that likely means that there's something in the way.

Like to go back to the food analogy, that might mean that you're eating gluten and you're celiac, right?

That might mean that something like maybe you're digesting porn and you're digesting like a lot of porn.

You have an unhealthy relationship with porn.

And so that's getting in the way.

Or your relationship has some gunk in the pipes, right?

Some things that you haven't talked about, some things that you're just kind of hoping that they bring up or that they never know.

That all gets in the way of what should be flowing very easily and naturally, and which is not to say it doesn't take work between two people.

No, I love that you're saying all of that.

And again, I think some guys, they need to take the pill, go for it, take the pill.

I'm a huge advocate for that because I think, like you said, whatever helps you in terms of having a great sex life, which should be a part of any great relationship.

But I also love that you give guys different and extra ideas.

Like, for example, you made a video that I loved.

You talked to some porn star star how to make the dick bigger and you share all of that.

And I think probably a lot of guys would never dream of

all the things that you talk about.

Like it never crossed their minds to look at a video like that.

So you make all this knowledge like super mainstream and accessible.

And I love that.

Thank you.

That's my goal.

Because you know what?

There are guys that are willing to try really

extreme things and they end up maybe hurting themselves, injuring themselves.

You know, I've talked to guys who like overdosed on medication or bought something from a gas station

that gave them, you know, an anxiety attack.

I know, by the way, that's I'm glad you bring that up because that is like so freaking dangerous, right?

And a lot of guys, I know, because I dated a guy, my ex-boyfriend, literally used to buy Viagra in front of the bar.

I'm not going to say the name of the bar, like at 2 a.m.

after drinking all night.

And I remember saying, you don't even know what you're buying.

If you're going to buy these things,

buy it from

a doctor, good reputation a brand that you trust i mean don't put your your health at risk right right you don't right like we don't know that that's viagra also some of the pills at the gas station that claim to not have viagra in them will have viagra in them and some of them have like lead in them right so yeah so

it's all because of shame right it's because we're not having these conversations out in the open so men don't have good quality information and so they go and they do stuff in private and they end up hurting themselves and they end up you know you can you can cause real permanent damage to your body yeah you know there at the end of the vagr commercial it would say like see a doctor if you've had an erection for more than four hours right that's because the blood that's in your body isn't getting new oxygen you know the blood in the cock is not being reoxygenated it's not it's not cycling and therefore it's it's essentially able to kill tissue right because you need the oxygen rich blood to be flowing throughout your body to keep every part of your body alive and healthy so

the risk of having an erection that lasts for four hours which you know they included that in the commercial in part because it gave men the idea that like oh my god I'm gonna have an erection that goes for four hours I want that right but actually it's very, very dangerous.

And you don't even want to know what they have to do, do you, at the hospital?

Oh, no, yeah, I don't want to know, but I just want everybody to like, whatever you decide to do, do it safely.

Do it like safely with people that you trust, with brands that you really trust.

Right.

And I'm here for you to try everything under the sun.

But what I want more than anything is for you not to have to rely on something that's like outside of you, right?

Totally.

So like going back to taking care of your body, breathing, your mindset, your emotional body, your relationship, the society that you live in and your relationship to something bigger than yourself, like your spiritual relationship to sex and sexuality.

And sex exists in all of these realms, but we often treat it like it just exists in the body and in the relationship.

And that's it.

I know.

And nothing else impacts it.

Oh, my God.

So this is a question that I have.

Okay.

And you tell me if you encounter this issue a lot or not, but you probably do.

I have a very high sexual appetite.

Like it's very difficult to make me tired in bed.

I love sex.

So when I'm in a relationship, I love having a lot of sex.

So of course, course, and everybody, because I do the podcast, they think I fuck everything that moves, but it's not the case.

I had very few partners.

But every time I meet someone, you know, when the conversation comes up, I'm like, yeah, I love a lot of sex.

And every guy always tells you, right?

Every guy always tells the girl they love a lot of sex.

But a lot of guys, they think, you know, you're having sex.

They gave you an orgasm.

You came.

They come.

They're like, they're feeling like, you know, the Lion King.

Oh, my God.

So, yeah, was it good for you?

Many times, that's not enough.

We want them to go again, and I know because I talk to my girlfriends and they say the same thing, but they're embarrassed because if you tell the guy, come on, honey, come on, you know, yeah, maybe the pressure makes them harder to perform, and it's embarrassing in a way to say, you know, I want to do it more.

Right.

So, is there a way, like, is this a common problem that you hear?

And is there a way to communicate to guys like you know, many times for women, once is not in even if we come, it's

more well.

I think this is there's two parts to this, right?

So, I think that because of the stereotypes about women's sexuality and that women don't really want sex, men don't really understand the degree to which women can enjoy sex, right?

And maybe they have been with someone or they had a relationship or an ex-wife or something, and she didn't really like sex, or at least the last 10 years of their sex life was sexless.

And so, he's coming into the relationship thinking, like, yeah, I like sex, and and I'm going to be able to perform and I'm going to be able to give you like 20 or 30 minutes and that's going to be great.

And they're not conceiving of how limited that thinking is based on the stereotypes that exist about women.

Like even if there's a woman in front of you who's saying like, she really enjoys sex and she's multi-orgasmic and she loves to try new things and be experimental in the bedroom.

Like they're still seeing that through the lens of, but women don't really like sex.

Right.

So it has to break through that lens.

And once they can understand that like women and women's bodies are actually the ones that are designed for a lot of sex, like women's, but we can have multiple orgasms.

We have, we have like pretty much endless stamina.

As long as we are aroused and into it, we can go back and we can go back and we can go back and we can go back.

So if they've not experienced a woman like that, they don't even know that that's possible.

And because our culture hasn't taught them that women can be that sexual and that orgasmic and that have that stamina, then they're not really anticipating it.

And so they think, yeah, I've got stamina, right?

When the truth is that maybe they don't have the kind of stamina that a woman has.

And there's nothing wrong with them for that reason.

They can train for that, right?

And then on the other hand, for how do you train?

Well, first of all, you could use like the come when you want methodology that I developed, but I'll break that down.

Part of that is mindset and understanding your thoughts, right?

And going back to even just your thoughts about what women enjoy, what's enough, what's good enough, right?

Your thoughts that have been embedded in you because of porn, right?

Like that I'm not very big or that women need like constant hard thrusting, pounding for an hour in order to enjoy sex, sex, or that all women want to like be, you know, face fucked until they choke and cry.

Like, you know, there's a lot of thinking that goes on that's been infiltrated by the kind of media that you've been consuming.

So, there's some work around your mindset and shifting and going from what you think is true to like what you objectively experience as true and being willing to let go of some of those things.

But there's also the emotional body as well for men, like they don't necessarily understand all the ways in which their emotions can get tied up in sex and sexuality.

And sometimes, if that feels kind of scary to them, like, oh, I don't know if I want to engage in this way that makes me feel kind of like vulnerable, then, and I, or I don't feel like I can be totally open with how I'm feeling about sex and sexuality.

All that can kind of cause issues and close them off.

And then, of course, there's like the real physical.

parts of stamina.

So being able to withstand a lot of pleasure, right?

Having a deep enough relationship with your own orgasm and your own kind of sense and stimulation that you know well in advance when you are going to be at your limit and when you are going to be you know at the point of no return so that you can dance up to that edge without going over it you know i want to say to a lot of guys they they they think that and a lot of this has to do with porn mentality that they need to get in and just start pumping away right right and the truth is that if you think about that like hard think about what a 10 is right like think about like the hardest deepest thrusting is a 10.

you need to start at a one so that you have somewhere to work up to right but if you've just learned from porn or you've been in a sexual relationship so you've mostly been watching porn for the last few years, like you may have forgotten what a one is like, right?

So true.

And that women want a one and then up to like a level three and then maybe a level six and then back down to a two.

Totally.

And then up to a four.

And if you think about that from a place of how do I control my orgasm and maintain stamina, then moving back and forth between high intensity, low intensity, low intensity gives you an opportunity to catch your breath, to slow down, to decrease the amount of sensation, maybe even to stop penetration and go back to oral sex or go back to massaging her body or giving her a yoni massage, which is a vaginal involvement massage that I teach.

If you feel like you have to start at a 10 and you have to go until she orgasms and then when she orgasms, you're like, oh, thank God she came because I'm fucking exhausted and I'm about to orgasm myself.

Well, let's say, okay, they did.

He came, she came, they're in bed.

And the person is like me, like, you know what?

It's okay taking a break, but I want to have more.

Is there a way to say something

without hurting their feelings?

Like, honey, once is not enough.

Well, so it depends on your partner's refractory period, right?

So men, as they age, have a longer and longer refractory period.

The way that their body processes the hormones and neurotransmitters that occur after ejaculation.

So after a man ejaculates, he gets a surge in prolactin, he gets a drop in testosterone.

Nothing to like worry about.

That's how the process is designed, right?

But for younger men, those things don't impact them all that much right so they're able to like get back up and get going and they can have round two or even three so you think it has to do with age or maybe like an older guy in fabulous shape

he's still it still is going to have a lot more to do with his neurotransmitters and testosterone and uh his other hormone levels so we should expect that as men age they may not be able to they will have less

longer refractory periods now here's the here's the uh thing to consider about that though if they learn how to have an orgasm without without ejaculation, that's not going to affect their refractory period.

Men can have orgasms without ejaculating.

They have to learn how to hold the ejaculation back.

They have to learn how to move the orgasm up their spine instead of out the front of their body, but it's a skill.

It's not magic.

You can learn it.

You can learn it probably within the course of a year.

It's just about practicing, right?

So if you're able to do that, then you can go multiple rounds and then you can decide to ejaculate at the end or not.

That's very common for older men, especially who have practiced maybe energetic sex or tantric sex.

They're able to go multiple rounds because they're just not ejaculating.

On the other hand, if you're maybe a man who just wants to be able to give her multiple rounds, give her an orgasm, take a break, come back, then learning how to control your ejaculation until you're ready, until you're both done, and then ejaculating just that once.

The refractory period is also not just based on age.

So there are some men in their 30s and their 40s who have to wait 24 hours before they can ejaculate again.

Oh, wow.

They may be able to get hard again.

Yeah, but they may not be able to get it.

But that's what I'm saying.

Like if you, if you, yeah, maybe guys are not going to come as many times as the girl, but yeah, if you can get

hard again and continue giving her pleasure, why not?

Right.

Yeah.

So thinking really strategically about when you want your ejaculation to happen.

If you're going to ejaculate, when are you going to ejaculate?

And part of what women can do is say like, hey, you know,

I find that once I have one orgasm, I've kind of like.

gotten built up a lot, right?

Maybe it takes me 20, 30 minutes to reach one really big orgasm, but after that, it's kind of like the cat's out of the bag.

the

desire has built.

And so I like to go multiple rounds.

I like to have sex and then take a little break and have a snack and a glass of wine or some water or make out for a little bit and then go back into it.

What can we do so that you are able to do that with me?

No pressure, guys.

No pressure.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just, you know, it's a matter, it's kind.

To tell your partner what it is that works best for you in advance, right?

In advance.

Yeah, so they can say, hey, you know what?

I know for a fact that my refractory period period is like eight hours.

Once I've ejaculated, I cannot ejaculate again for eight hours, right?

Okay, cool.

Now that we know that, can we structure our sex to include foreplay and yoni massage and

breaks so that you are able to have sex on and off for a couple hours.

I can have a few orgasms and get really built up.

And then we have you ejaculate at the end.

I love that.

And then we can wake up and start fresh again.

I love that.

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Let's talk about a really tough one.

And I know it's major taboo, anal sex.

A lot of guys love it.

For some reason, don't ask me why.

Every Brazilian guy that you ever meet in Brazil, it's like the number one

request, desire.

Every Brazilian dude in the world, they want to have anal sex.

Here, not not so much right some guys like it some guys don't like it but it's major taboo and i know for a lot of women they're like oh my god you know i don't even want to like don't even get me started on that so on both sides but like for guys if guys really want to do it is there a way

Because a lot of guys, I think they're kind of aggressive about it.

They just go and try to do it.

Yes.

Right.

And I mean, many women are not ready for it.

They're like, you know, do you need to have the conversation first beforehand?

How do you approach them?

The way to approach the anus in whole,

on that agenda,

is slowly, slowly, really slowly, like painfully, slowly.

I don't mean slowly over one night either.

I mean slowly over a period of time.

Slowly over a month, slowly over a couple months, right?

So there are so many reasons that anal sex has got the reputation that it has, right?

So we could just start with like cleanliness and people are like kind of squeaked out.

Like, I don't want to experience any poop it kind of it's going to ruin the moment i don't want to expose my partner to like my bowel movements like of course not right like very understandable but but it doesn't have to be that way you eat a diet that's high in fiber you have a bowel movement in the morning you can uh use a a douche or an enema with uh with or without any cleaning agents in it.

I really recommend just water or just saline.

Like it doesn't have to include anything really complicated.

The anus is not meant to be exposed to a whole bunch of chemicals, right?

So anyways, we can take care of the cleanliness part.

You can take a shower before and after.

So like, let's just rule that one out and know that there there are things that you can do so for you it's just a cleanliness i'm gonna do a parenthesis here I think if you think, oh my, because I think in bed, whatever two people want to do together, whatever, you know, if you start, start thinking, oh, this is girls, this is this cats, and okay, you know, it's not for go back to, you know, figuring that part out.

We're talking about like people that want to do it.

That want to do it.

They want to do it, that are open-minded, but they don't know how to, you know, bring it up.

Sure.

Well, and the other issue is that for a lot of us, myself included, you know, I had my first experience with anal was with a guy who didn't really understand what he was doing.

And so went like too fast, too hard, too sudden.

And in my body, naturally, it's just like if someone sticks something in your eye,

your eye goes like this.

And then whenever a finger comes towards your eye, you're like, I don't, right?

So like naturally, that's going to be the case.

So if you're interested, the way that I would start thinking about it is start without even touching.

Like when you're making love, when you're having sex, when you're having some kind of foreplay, both you and your guy put your attention energetically, your focus on your anus don't don't even bring a hand to it or a finger to it just yet put your attention there then gradually move to just putting a finger on the outside not even wet just dry just on the outside it's not going in

we have a conversation that you're not even going to do any sort of entrance anything at all right get used to having sensation on the outside then get used to having a little bit of sensation on the inside that could be with a finger that may be with a butt plug right something that can just hang out there that if you're going to do anything on the inside you do want to include lube because the anus doesn't lubricate like the vagina does.

So start with this.

They make butt plugs that are like a pretty, well, they make butt and anal toys in a wide range of shapes and sizes.

They even make something that are called anal dilators.

So they are like thin tubes that get larger and larger.

Everything has a base on it, a flared base, because nothing can go inside of the eyes that doesn't have a flared base.

But these tubes get larger progressively.

And so you get used to your body having larger and larger objects inserted inside of it.

So you can play with dilators, you can play with a butt plug, you can use a butt plug during sex, you can use a butt plug when you're taking a meeting or doing a podcast interview.

It doesn't have to be a sexy thing.

You can just get yourself

to use the tools that you have available to get your body familiar with the sensation of having something inside of it.

And the reason for that is the anus is actually made up of two different sphincters.

So the sphincter that's on the outside is something that we can control mentally.

We can take a couple deep breaths.

We can imagine relaxing at our anal sphincter.

Like we've got control over that one.

But the one on the inside is controlled by a completely different nervous system, the same nervous system that makes our heartbeat.

We don't have control over it, right?

We have, we can like calm, we can breathe to sort of calm down our heart, but ultimately I can't tell my heart 72 beats per minute right now, right?

Like that's not how it works.

So we don't have control over the inner one.

So the relationship that we want to develop with our anus is one where the inner sphincter feels safe, feels like it's able to relax, feels like it doesn't have the closed eye response when we are introducing something to the anus.

And that whole process that I've described, maybe it takes a week because you actually were really ready for it and your body's like, yeah, let's go.

But it could take weeks, it could take months.

I mean, my own relationship with Anal was sort of like that.

Like I didn't think it was for me.

I didn't like it.

And then I had a lover who was like particularly skilled and it was very important to him.

He was like, I really want to have, you know, sex with you.

It's very important to me.

And like, let me take my time warming you up to that idea.

So that by the time we actually got there, I was like, yes, let's go.

You felt safe and comfortable with the guy.

And he has been warmed up.

That makes all the difference in the world.

And you did a video on YouTube about that that I really loved.

And to me, that's a fantastic suggestion.

Like a guy out there listening, if he wants to bring that up to his partner and he doesn't know how she's going to react, start by like, because this is something that I think most women love.

Like touch that area, lick that area.

Right, but talk first.

Right.

Because most of us have the experience of like if you touch it that's because you want to penetrate it right yeah so you set your own boundaries to say hey i you know i'd like to move towards having a

color i want to take before you go to bed yeah yeah yeah talk before you touch talk before you lick because she if if you've had experiences like i've had you think that anyone that's going there it has an end result in mind and they're trying to push to get to that place and so you're again it's like oh are you coming for my eye like let me not the other thing i say to men and this is not very popular, but like, think about what you would want for your own anus.

The cool things about anus is that we all have them.

Oh, my God.

That's a whole other episode, right?

Because I know there are so many guys, and I'm not talking about gays.

I'm talking about there are a lot of heterosexual guys that love to get their...

that area, their ass touched, licked, and they're so embarrassed because it's such a sensitive area.

It's so pleasurable for men, but the taboos.

They're like, oh, you know,

And it doesn't make you gay if you want to get your ass touched, your anus touched.

Your anus has almost as many nerve-endings as your lips, right?

Like how pleasurable it is to have someone kiss your lips.

Like it's very pleasurable to have someone touch and massage and lick and caress your anus.

But if you're afraid of what it means to someone who's not even watching, who's not here in the room with us, right?

And that's preventing you from having the conversation with your partner, it's worth considering like, how can you address this in a way that would feel good and safe?

And it's like some guys don't have partners who are willing to hear it right they have women in their lives who would be like that does make you gay right it's like it's they're not always safe to do it but it's worth trying i'm kind of like you i'm i'm super traumatized in that department i didn't enjoy it the the one time that i did it was horrible was also super painful but I do enjoy it.

Like you said, my ex-boyfriend just used to touch me there and lick me there.

And that was like very pleasurable.

So that's a good first step.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And

that step could take weeks or or months.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, you never know.

We don't know.

We're talking about a part of your body that you just do not have control over.

And, you know, my thinking is always move to just 20% outside of your comfort zone.

Yeah.

Don't go blow past your comfort zone just because, oh my gosh, it felt good when you licked it.

So let's try, right?

Like, no, no, no.

This time we said this is all we were going to do.

Yes, baby steps.

Let's talk about blowjobs.

Another video that you did that I love, that I really related, you started your video like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but i love giving blow jobs and it's something that i always say i'm like i love it love it love it love it it's the number two thing that turns me on the most in the world i can do it for all night i truly truly enjoy it turns me on like crazy and i get shocked like how many women don't like and even like on tv shows they're like oh it's a job oh can you believe he asked me to blow i'm like and then when you said that i'm like oh i'm happy to see another girl that is like me that's actually really enjoying that

so what do you say because i think every guy in the world wants to have a girl a partner that enjoys that right that's enthusiastic about it yeah not like i'm gonna do it like as a favor right

nobody loves that yeah no yeah so so you know i think the question to understand for your partner is how does she relate to and think about and make meaning about blowjobs and oral sex right because a lot of women were taught that that makes us slutty, bad, dirty, you know, that like a lot of women got shamed for that.

At least we're, you know, when we were younger in middle school or high school, maybe you gave a guy a blowjob and then that became your reputation, right?

And everyone said, oh, she's the girl that gave so-and-so a blowjob or whatever.

Like we shame oral sex a lot and we shame women.

Like, you know, there's this kind of.

trope about a woman like going down on a guy and she's very unempowered, right?

Like she's just doing it because he's in charge or he asked her to or she felt like she had to instead of that it was her choice and she was able to enjoy it right and then on the other side of that there's men also making giving oral sex to them more attractive right more appealing right so that means yeah exfoliating and like making sure that you smell good and that you're not doing this like right after you come from the gym and all of these things right but also that you're very appreciative and you acknowledge and you use your words to tell her that feels good and I like that.

There's a thing about men that I come across all the time where they're sort of stoic in bed.

They're sort of quiet, right?

They don't want to like moan.

Moaning is for women, right?

Pleasure is for me.

I want my partner to moan and talk and make noise.

Doesn't feel a lot better if you're going down on you.

Like being silent is like, what's going on?

Hello?

You're enjoying it?

Right, right, right, right.

Like, I want to know that you're enjoying it.

So if you're, if she's going down on you and you're letting her know that feels good, I love when you do that.

You're making little moans and groans and saying her name or whatever it is.

Like you're giving her positive reinforcement that lets her know that what she is doing is for your pleasure.

For the most part, not true of all women, but most women want to please their partners, right?

Like they want their man to be pleased and satisfied.

That's one of the reasons that they're having sex.

And so if he's not letting her know that what she's doing is pleasing him, it's not really giving her a lot of reason to keep going, right?

Totally.

And then I think there's this other piece of like,

for me anyways, I think one of the reasons that I love giving head is because I love genitals.

Like I just, I live, I'm in this career.

Like, I think genitals are so cool.

I've felt this for my whole life.

Like, there's a part of your body that if you touch it in just the right way, gives you feel-good chemicals and allows you to relax and reminds you not to stress so much or that like, you know, life is worth living or whatever.

Like, it's very cool that our bodies can do this without any additional help, without any outside substance, without even a partner.

We can do this by ourselves, right?

And so, if you develop an appreciation and gratitude for this part of your body, and you're like, it feels good for this part of my body to be stimulated.

I like when someone does that to me.

I can enjoy giving that to someone else.

Like, again, these are all mindset shifts.

And part of it is deconditioning some of the things that we've learned about our bodies, such as that genitals are bad or dirty or sinful.

I mean,

there's a stack of reasons why a woman may not openly

have.

Yeah, but it doesn't have to be that way.

But yeah, so there are ways for a woman to change the mindset and change this idea that it's never going to be pleasurable, right?

Because if you, I don't know how they do it, because I always loved it, but if you figure out you're the scientist,

but if you figure out how to, how to change it and actually get to enjoy it, it's such a fantastic experience instead of like counting the seconds, like right well, and make it work for you too.

Like I was saying earlier, don't start at a 10 and then you're choking and you're gagging and you're like, when is this going to be over?

Like start at a one, play with it for a little bit, like kiss it gently.

Like you don't have to go all the way in

as hard as possible and make it look porny and gag and cry and stuff.

Like if you want to go there, great, go there, but you don't have to begin there.

I know, make it fun for you, right?

Yeah, make it so that you enjoy it.

Maybe these events just need to be like dominance.

Maybe they need to like just be, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't know.

I have so many more questions and we're running out of time, but I think a really important one, and I know we're talking to guys mostly, but I think we're also talking to girls.

All of these things that we're talking about are normal for you and normal for me because this is a very common subject for us.

We're comfortable talking about it.

But I know a lot of people, and I know I'm going to get this message.

Every time I do a sex episode, they say that, but you know, I'm chewing bare.

I want to do this and I want to do that.

I don't want to do that.

But how do I talk about it?

How do you start?

You know, what if she judges me?

What if she thinks I'm a pervert?

What if she thinks I'm the same for women?

They're like, you know,

that's like the number one issue.

Like, how do you start this conversation?

Well, if you're not comfortable with it.

Like you said earlier, baby steps, right?

Sometimes we've held so so much back.

You've been in a 10 or 15 year relationship and you've been thinking this stuff for such a long time that it feels like there's a flood that needs to happen, right?

But understand that it's not going to be one singular conversation.

So you don't have to get everything out all at once.

And you can think about how to discern.

Which pieces of information are most important for you to share, how you open the doors to the conversation.

I always say to people, pick a good time to have the conversation, right?

So many folks go into a conversation like,

I've hit the wall and I have to say this to you right now.

I don't care that you just get home from work or walking the dog or you're gross or whatever.

Timing, right?

Timing.

And here's another thing to consider.

Like, are you going on dates?

Are your emotional needs met?

Are your romantic needs met from the relationship?

Because maybe you have a kid and you notice that your sex life has dwindled a lot since you've been raising a child together, right?

How is your romantic relationship, your emotional relationship?

A lot of people can get overly focused on sex because sex is quantifiable.

I can say, we haven't had sex in the last three weeks and I'm starting to panic, right?

But it's a lot different to say, what is the quality of our connection right now?

Understanding that sex can sometimes be a byproduct of the quality of the connection.

On the other hand, if there are things that you want to try that you've never brought up before, going to your partner and saying something as simple as this,

there's something that

I want to talk to you about.

It has to do with our sex life is now a good time.

Yes.

Okay, great.

So the reason I haven't brought this up before is because I'm afraid that you might judge me or I'm afraid you might think I'm a pervert or a slut.

And I don't want to give you the impression that I'm unhappy with our sex life.

Here are some things that I really appreciate about it, the way that you make me feel.

Here are some other things that for me, I really would would appreciate and it would be very meaningful for me if we were able to try those things.

Are you willing to have a conversation about that?

Not are you willing to do it?

Not can we do it right now?

Can we have a conversation about it?

I want to understand what you would need in order for us to have that experience.

Like, would you need to be at a hotel?

Would you need to have two days away from the kids?

Would you need to have a month of warm-up?

Would you need to understand better?

Would you need for me to come prepared with a lot of information?

You know, if it's like anal, like, don't worry, I'll do all of the research to make sure that we're doing it right for you, that it works for you.

All I ask from you is that you be open and that you continue to engage a conversation with me if it's like I want to tie you up and try some like BDSM stuff I promise that I'm going to do a lot of research to make sure that we can do that very safely you'll be in control the whole time we'll have a safe word I'll learn from the experts I'll learn from the professionals I won't put you in a position where you're going to be at harm or that you're going to be at risk or that we're going to cause any kind of injury to you like I promise that I'm going to take care of all of that information you can come with all of your questions and we can take it one step at a time if you're not sure that you like that thing let me figure out a way to titrate it so that you can have a really small, like sample experience of it so that I can show you what it is that I want to do.

And then we can build on top of that.

The problem with not having conversations about sex and the problem with the way that we view communication around sex is that we do it very black or white, all or nothing.

A hundred miles an hour or parked, you know?

Yeah, it's like you said, I think the base of everything is communication.

Tell your partner what is it that you want, right?

Because it just makes everything else so much easier.

And you know what, here's the thing.

Everything that we've talked about today, there are professionals, myself included, who have done a lot of the work for you, right?

We've figured out and we've outlined how to communicate about these things, how to ask for what you want in bed, how to even know what you want in bed, which is an issue for a lot of people, right?

Men and women,

yeah.

They're not able to say, it would feel better if we did this or we did that, or I want more of this or less of that.

So, so there are tools, there are resources that are available.

You don't have to go into it alone is what I'm saying.

Finally, I love it.

In just the same way that if you want to learn how to make, I don't know, a souffle, you get a cookbook, right?

If you want to learn how to tie your partner up, there's

a book for that.

I love that.

And this, last but not least, this is what I think.

If, because I've heard that even from my ex-boyfriend, he was in a lot, like a lot of guys, right?

Long marriage, la, la, la, almost sexless.

And he, when we started dating, he was like, I'm so happy that I can talk about what I want.

My fantasy is what I want to do because I wasn't able to do it before.

I I think now,

after everything I've been through, marriage, dates, na-na-na, if you cannot speak freely with your partner, it's probably not the right partner for you.

That's what I think.

Like, if the person is judging you or like making faces or thinking you're gross, anything like that, it's probably not a good match.

Well, and understand that someone may have done all of those things previously.

Yeah.

And maybe they've evolved.

Maybe they haven't, right?

But it's really not about, and this is the trickiest thing about communication anyways, is you have to say the hard thing.

You have to say the thing that you don't want to say.

That's the most important thing to say.

And it can be so scary to say that when you love someone, you have a home together, you have kids together, and now you're in a position where you're like, I have to admit.

something I've been sitting on for years that makes me feel very uncomfortable and I'm judging myself about it.

And I've told myself a story about you that you're going to judge me for it.

Like that may be the scariest thing that you ever do, but understand that it will not kill you.

You will not kill you.

Don't sit on it for years.

Yeah, no one's heart ever stopped because they said the hard thing, right?

I love it.

Yeah, thank you.

Fantastic advice.

Congratulations on your work.

Your videos are incredible, guys.

If you're listening to the audio episode, please make sure you go to my YouTube channel and her YouTube channel.

The link is here so you can watch the videos because you're gorgeous, you're intelligent, and your work is insanely helpful and fabulous.

So I'm very honored that you're here.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for having me.

And hopefully we'll do part two because I'm looking at my list of things that I want to ask.

I'm like, oh my God, I have so many more questions.

Yeah, let's do it.

So, guys, if you have any questions for Caitlin, shoot, and we'll do a part two.

Excellent.

Thank you so much.

It was such an honor having you.

Be safe out there.

And, guys, go have good sex.

Thank you.

It was amazing.