REBUILD - Breaking the cycle of abuse

This episode of Carol de Luz is for everyone and anyone out there going through heartbreak right now, or if you're in a horrible relationship or an unhappy relationship, an abusive relationship, and you don't know what to do, you think there is no way out.

I am leaving proof that not only there is a way out, but you can rebuild your life regardless of age, regardless of how much money you have on the bank, and you can build the life of your dreams.

All you have to do is believe in yourself.

So, I hope this episode, I'm going to rewind the story when I started the podcast four and a half years ago, and I didn't have a big audience like I do today,

and tell a story that I told people way back then.

And I know not a lot of people listened to it because I didn't have an audience.

Like I said, I was just getting started.

But I really hope the story inspires you, warms your heart, and gives you the motivation that you need to go after the life of your dreams because it's never, ever, ever too late.

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For those of you who don't know me or are new to Cat on the Lose, a really quick background again.

I was married for 15 years to a multi-millionaire.

He controlled every aspect of my life, and this is the part that nobody ever saw it.

He was extremely, extremely jealous, controlling, and abusive.

Tons and tons of mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse.

He didn't allow me to work.

He didn't like me to work.

Didn't let me pursue any of my passions.

He literally treated me like a Barbie in a box.

Beautiful.

Yeah, stay in a box.

One of our multi-million dollar mansions and don't have a voice.

Don't rock the boat.

And of course, now looking back, why did I put up with it for so long?

I am not sure because obviously I'm not the same woman that I was back then.

I guess I was very young.

Immaturity played a part of it.

And abuse is not something that happens overnight.

It's like one baby step at a time.

And before you know it, you're tangled up on it.

And then you love the person.

And then you think the person is going to change for you.

And it never changes.

Eventually, after a really long road, I gathered the strength to leave.

Obviously, it wasn't easy.

Like I said, it took me 15 years to gather the strength to leave.

But as you guys can imagine, 15 years I went through hell and high water because to the outside world, I had the most perfect life.

I didn't have to work.

We went on these lavish vacations.

I had the closet of a princess.

We are shopping.

We are doing all these things.

And behind closed doors, my husband was a bipolar alcoholic that would go unhinged any second of the day for any reason.

I'm actually holding a diary that I started in 2013.

January 2013.

I started writing a diary because I was feeling so lonely and so scared and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells around him.

I didn't know who to turn to.

I was so afraid of seeking help or trying to get out of the marriage.

I started journaling about what was going on with me.

And now, when I read back, it's really hard for me because sometimes it makes me want to cry.

But just so you guys have an idea of the massive verbal abuse that I endured for 15 years,

anytime he would drink and anything could set him off if he didn't like the food, if I said something he didn't like, if he watched something on TV, whatever it was.

And he would call me all kinds of names, such as asshole, bitch, rotten fucking idiot, cunt.

He would go on and on and on.

And I would actually write all these words and then I would write, for example, in May 27 of 2013, I wrote that he called me all these names.

And I said, I am so tired.

I'm so alone.

I'm so sad.

I have no one to turn to.

I cannot believe my life got to this point.

Five months gone this year, and I feel crappy and awful.

And I kept writing this, you know, how he would apologize, and then he would do it all over again.

Like the next day,

something would set him off.

And again, stupid asshole, fucking idiot, asshole, stupid idiot.

It's always like that.

And I just let it go.

And I would write again.

I'm so tired of his drinking, of our arguments, of the verbal abuse.

So this went on for a really, really long time.

It was a very tough journey for me to gather the courage and say, you know what, I'm going to leave this marriage.

I have to save myself.

I can't take it anymore.

And when I actually gave him an ultimatum that I was going to leave unless he quit drinking and seek help, he was like, I'm not going to keep drinking.

Go fuck yourself.

And that's how I ended up leaving.

Although I ended up taking care of him until he died, like two years after I left him, he was very sick because he was an alcoholic and we knew he was going to die.

But that's a whole other story.

So, anyhow, once I left that marriage, I had to start my life over from scratch.

And if you guys follow me on social media, you know that after his death, although we were together for 15 years and I inherited everything that we built together for 15 years, everything was taken from me.

Everything.

The courts didn't enforce the will.

The people that he trusted to execute the will decided to take over everything: the company, our assets, the money, the bank accounts.

And they're like, you know what?

She doesn't deserve a penny.

And I lost my pants.

I lost my pants.

I'm not joking.

I found myself without Anthony, without any emotional support, without a family, without money in the bank, without the only source of income I was, which was the money he gave me and the money I inherited.

And I was like, what am I going to do?

This is sink or swim.

And I remember, it's funny, right, when you look back, and I always say that also on social media.

When you have millions of dollars and you have, I had a mansion in Las Vegas.

I lived at the Four Seasons residences in Miami.

We traveled the world.

I thought I had hundreds and hundreds of friends because when you are throwing parties and when you are rich, you always have people that want to be around you.

And I remember when he died and I lost everything.

I remember thinking, you know what?

I have a lot of friends.

I'm going to ask people for a job.

I mean, I love to work.

I have college degrees.

I speak several languages.

And I started asking the closest people to to me.

And everybody ran away like rats.

Everybody ran away like rats.

Even my inner circle, they didn't want to have nothing to do with me.

I wish I could have a different story to tell, but that's how it went down.

So I was like, wow, they weren't friends.

They were psycho fans.

They were people interested in my money and what I could provide.

So that was even harder for me.

And I remember one of these quote-unquote closest friends of mine.

said to me, wow, Catherine, I don't know what I would do in your situation.

You are so fucked.

I I think I would jump off of the balcony.

The Far Seasons residence where my apartment was in Miami was on the 56th floor, 56th, 58th floor.

So you guys can imagine how high it was.

And this girl said, Oh, you know, if I were you, I would just jump off the balcony.

I don't know how you can rebuild from this.

You don't even have money.

You know, you're going to run out of money to buy food.

And that day,

I remember thinking, okay, I don't want to die.

I love my life.

I didn't do anything wrong.

I've been through hell and high water.

I lost my mom.

I took care of Anthony.

I lost Anthony.

Now I lose all my assets.

I thought I was going to have a little bit of peace and quiet.

I didn't have time to mourn them.

I didn't have time to do anything.

I said, you know what?

I'm going to start over.

I am going to rebuild my life from scratch.

And I am going to prove to myself that it can be done.

It was really to myself.

And that's how I came up with the idea of doing cat on the lose.

And funny enough,

two years after that,

COVID hit, right?

So I was broke, unemployed, completely alone, living in a teeny, teeny, teeny apartment in South Beach that I was struggling to pay.

I remember rescuing Phoenix, January 2020, my dog.

He was born in the shelter and I said, I'm going to go rescue a dog.

And my

few friends said, you're crazy.

You can barely buy food for yourself.

You can barely pay rent.

You're going to rescue.

I said, I need something to keep me sane.

I need something to keep me going.

So I went and I rescued Phoenix.

And believe it or not, yes, he was what kept me going during COVID because the world shut down.

It was almost impossible to ask anybody for a job.

I was sitting in my apartment, like, what am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

Luckily, I had Phoenix, so we would go for these really long walks, really long walks around South Beach.

And then I thought, you know what?

I'm going to start venting about the chaos that my life has been since Anthony died, since I lost all my assets.

And I keep getting tangled up with wrong man after wrong man after wrong man.

And why did I do that?

Because I'm stupid.

No, because when you're abused for so long,

that behavior becomes kind of normal to you.

I used to think that it was normal to be mistreated by men.

I used to think that it was normal if a man screamed and yelled at me because I went through it for so, so long.

So the man that I met after him would treat me like crap and their behavior was like absolutely disgusting and never

to be accepted by any means.

And I kept accepting it because my brain was trained to accept bad behavior from men.

So I sat at home and I started recording Cat on the Loose, story one, Dr.

McDreamy, story two, this guy that I'm dating on, I'm meddling in love with.

And all of a sudden, women and men and people from all over the world started texting me, sending me messages on social media saying that they related because almost everybody has a story of heartbreak, betrayal, people cheating.

We are all going through something at some point in our lives.

Very rare that you meet someone that never had a problem.

And I'm like, wow, you know, I'm creating this community.

I'm giving women out there a voice.

I'm going to keep going.

And that's how I decided to really take Caronde Luz seriously and put out there one episode after the other, after the other, after the other, and never, never stop.

So now,

as we entered season five, Caronde Luz has a massive worldwide audience in 56, 57 countries.

And I am so happy to share more and more stories with you, bring amazing guests.

And to this day, I always say, if I can help just one woman believe that she can start again,

I truly feel like I'm doing my job.

Obviously, looking back, I cringe at the early episodes because I thought that kind of behavior was okay.

And now, in my journey, right, so many years later, four and a half years later, I am so proud of how far I've came.

I grew up.

I evolved a lot right alongside the show.

I've been so grateful for every step of this journey.

And now, funny enough, I believe whatever happened to me back then that I thought, oh, this is the end of the world, was actually the best gift I could have received.

Because when those people took everything from me, I had to prove to myself that I was a Phoenix, that I could rise from the ashes and give myself the love that the life that I deserve.

Nowadays, I do everything that I love.

I own a very successful company.

I have a PR marketing branding agency with clients all over the world.

I have two wonderful rescue dogs that are my babies, my families.

The podcast is on top of the USA charts in the relationships, society, and culture category.

I book bigger and bigger, more wonderful guests.

I meet people from all over the world.

And I live in the place that I love for me, which is Beverly Hills.

And I pay for everything myself.

So that's very empowering.

So now I want to share you guys.

One of the very first stories way back then, and you guys are not going to believe the shit I put up with and I went through.

And the ending, I swear to God, it really happened.

It's a true story.

You're not going to believe the ending of it.

And you tell me if you think it's karmic and if you think whatever it is.

And like I said, I'm living proof that you can change and you can build the life that you want.

And you don't have to put up with bad behavior from anyone because life is too short for that.

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So, this is the first guy that I dated after Anthony passed away, and I actually fell in love with him.

It's the first guy that I could say, wow, I really, really like this man.

I'm going to call him JT, okay?

You guys are not going to believe the story.

We were definitely inseparable.

We saw each other almost every day.

And from the start, we just clicked.

He was older, successful businessman.

He was very calm.

He had a comforting presence.

And of course, I was still grieving, vulnerable.

I was very raw.

And this is what I always say now: don't let people see you bleed.

Because if you tell them about all your problems and they know you're bleeding and weak, it's very unfortunate, but predators will pray.

And now, looking back, that's obviously what happened to me.

So we had been dating for about a year

when what i now call the valentine's day from hell

happened the night before valentine's day we had spent the night together i woke up next to him we kissed good morning he was gonna go to work and i said so what are we doing for valentine's day and he said try to make dinner reservations but i have a really busy day with meetings all day

i have a massive networking event.

I have some executives from out of town that I got to entertain, but I'll definitely see you tonight.

So I kiss him goodbye.

I'm like, okay, have a great day.

And during the day, you know, like most girls in love do, right?

I'm daydreaming about a romantic night.

I'm like, oh my God, I'm so lucky.

I finally have a man that really loves me, that cares about me.

So during the day, I didn't hear a lot from him.

Because he was working.

So I didn't think anything about it, you know, I was not the kind of girl that would be like, where are you?

Where are I?

The guy is working, whatever.

So around 6.30 p.m.

that day valentine's day he texted me and he's like i'm still tied up in meetings but i tell you what go to my place and wait for me there

so i'm like okay so i went to his place took a long shower put on sexy lingerie of course he loved sexy lingerie like most men and i'm laying in his bed waiting and waiting and waiting And finally, I text him like around 9 p.m.

And I'm like, you know, since we didn't have dinner, should I order some food?

So at least you have some food when you get home.

And in my mind, I'm thinking, this poor baby, right?

He's working all this time.

And he texts me back, no, no, just eat whatever you want.

I'm grabbing a bite with this businessman that I'm in meetings with, and I'll be home in about an hour.

I'm so sorry.

Eat if you want, order food for you.

And I was feeling so bad for him.

I'm like, I'm not going to eat.

I'm not going to order dinner just for me.

So I just sat in bed, whatever, playing with my phone and just waiting.

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Kitty, right?

Finally, 10:40 at night, he walks in exhausted.

Exhausted.

He didn't have flowers, he didn't have candy, he didn't have anything, but I didn't care.

I was just happy that he was home.

So, of course, he jumps in bed, like he takes his clothes off, he jumps right in bed, and we have sex.

And I fall asleep, right?

So then a few hours later, I think it was around 5 a.m., I get up to go to the bathroom and I look and he's not in bed.

So I'm like, he must have gone to the kitchen for water, right?

He didn't go to the gym this early if he came home like almost 11 p.m.

So I'm looking around, he's not in the kitchen, he's nowhere.

So I'm sitting in bed like, what the hell?

So I grab my phone and I start looking, scrolling through Instagram.

And then I saw a DM from a woman that I kind of recognized, but I wasn't sure.

It was a woman that he had mentioned that he had casually dated before me.

But she leaves a message on my Instagram.

You are a fucking idiot.

He spent the entire day with me.

He's at my house right now.

And I'm like, wait, what?

What?

I was literally in his bed.

He had just been with me.

I'm like, this has to be some bullshit, some sick joke from a jealous woman, right?

But then she sends a photo, a picture of him with her in her place.

I'm like, what

is this photo from?

Now, what's going on?

And then at the same time, my phone starts ringing and it was him on the phone.

So I answered the phone and I'm like, what the hell is going on?

Where are you?

And he starts screaming, don't talk to her, don't communicate with her.

I'm like, did you seriously leave me in your own bed to go to her bed?

And he's like shouting and yelling and screaming on the phone, and I couldn't understand anything.

So I hang up

and I'm shaking and I'm crying, I'm like, so humiliated.

I'm trying to understand what's going on.

I'm like, what the hell is going on?

It was, it was still around 5 a.m., it was dark outside.

So I put my clothes on and I run out of his apartment and I left.

And I'm like, how could, what's going on?

How could this man do this to me?

How can he be so disgusting?

Did he really spend the whole Valentine's Day with this other woman, ex-girlfriend, whatever, ex-fling?

I had sex with her, and then he jumped in bed and had sex with me.

And this woman continued texting me.

And basically, she tells me everything.

She had proof that he had spent all of Valentine's Day with her.

She sends me all these videos with dates on it.

He took her out to a fancy lunch.

She posted on her Instagram.

He bought her fake cartier love bracelets.

They had sex all day.

And then at 10 p.m., he gave her some kind of lame excuse why he needed to go home.

And he left.

And then she got suspicious and she drove to his apartment.

And security in the fancy building he lived in, they wouldn't let her go up.

So she started screaming and saying she was going to make a scene.

And so security called him upstairs.

And then when I was sleeping, right, he saw his phone and he went downstairs to calm her down, and she wouldn't calm her down.

So he had to leave and go back to her place with her.

I was more.

Now I'm laughing because now I think it's funny.

Like,

why the hell would you put up with this shit?

I was mortified.

I was devastated.

I was crying.

Like, this man that I've been dating for one year, the only man that made me feel safe after everything I have been gone through was obviously a disgusting traitor, cheater, monster, you know.

And back then, one of my best friends said, That's it, you know, that's it.

Forget him, block him, right?

Block him.

Obviously, nowadays, if this happened, first of all, I would laugh and I would be like, okay, you're psycho, goodbye.

But this is how weak I was.

I didn't block him.

He kept sending me endless apologies, texts, tears, promises, begged and begged and begged for another chance.

And you guys are not going to believe it.

This is not the end of the story.

It's going to get much worse.

Finally, I gave him a chance.

I gave him another chance.

And we dated for another

year,

another year.

So, if you think this was the worst of it, you haven't heard anything

yet.

So, a year later, right,

we're dating, and my birthday is in March, March 6th, and that's when all hell broke loose.

Because obviously, I didn't learn anything from the Valentine's.

I found out

he was never going to change, never going to respect me, and he was always going to be a disgusting cheater in the worst possible day.

So, on my birthday, he calls me in the morning and he's like, I want to stop by and spend the day with you and bring you flowers because tonight I have a major business dinner,

and I believed it.

I'm like, okay, so he shows up with a gorgeous, huge vase of red roses.

We have sex, we spend the afternoon together.

He's like, I'm so sorry.

I have such an important dinner with this businessman.

No, no, no, I will take you to dinner this weekend.

Please don't be sad.

So I'm like, okay, I'm going to spend my, I'll do a birthday dinner with my friends and I'll see you whatever tomorrow on the weekend.

So I'm finishing a birthday dinner that I cooked for my friends at my place.

And

someone I knew texts me on my phone

towards the end of the dinner, like around 10 p.m.

They're like,

Kat, I don't know how to tell you this, but I know you're dating JT.

And I'm here at this restaurant, and he's here with another woman, and they're having dinner.

And we stop by their table and they invited to sit with them and i'm feeling horrible for you because i like you so much and i know today is your birthday and he's this person that sent me the message sends me a picture of jt with another woman at one of our favorite restaurants that we used to go to all the time

and he's sitting there on a double date with another couple at this restaurant i'm like

This is a joke.

I can't believe this is happening.

So I grab my purse, I grab the flowers, 10 p.m., and I drive all the way to this restaurant, which was like 30 minutes away, 25, 30 minutes away.

And I get there and they're finishing dinner.

There's only glasses of water at the table.

And I throw the vase of flowers at the table and

I grabbed the glass of water and I threw the glass of water on his face.

And I'm like yelling and screaming, which is very, very, very rare for me.

I'm like, if you guys know me, I'm like the most chill, most peaceful person on the planet.

I don't like screaming.

I don't like yelling.

I don't like fights, but I was so shocked.

I was so shocked.

I throw this glass of water on him and I just left crying and crying and crying.

And I drove all the way back home, crying and crying and crying.

And I'm thinking,

how could I be so stupid that again?

He did that to me on Valentine's Day, right?

I date this dude for another year.

And all this time,

he's doing the same shit to me.

And I'm believing him that he changed, but it's pretty obvious, you know,

that he never did.

But this is the crazy ending of the story.

I went home, I cried, of course, but I said, you know what, that's it, right?

Everybody has to have a limit.

And I think that day, probably because it was my birthday, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, nobody on the planet deserves to make you so miserable on a day that you should be celebrating your life.

And that day, I made a promise to myself that I was going to do a lot of work on myself to not allow any man ever to treat me like that.

And funny enough, this is the crazy ending of the story, and I swear to God, it's true.

This was March 6th, my birthday.

March 13th, COVID started, right?

2020.

A few months after that, in May,

he ended up catching COVID from the same woman he was with at that restaurant that he was cheating on me with.

He ended up in the hospital, short of breath,

did a video call to me apologizing, saying he was sorry.

He was so scared.

He was going to leave the hospital, a better man.

And I said, you know what?

I hope you leave the hospital, of course.

I wish you nothing but the best.

And I think when you leave the hospital, you need to focus on your kids.

He had three, four grown kids, on your kids and your job and your everything.

And I said goodbye.

And he never left the hospital, guys.

He ended up dying from COVID a few days before his birthday.

This is a true story.

And

when that happened, of course, my closest friends were like, it's karma, it's karma.

I didn't want to think like that because, of course, I don't wish anybody dead.

It was a very sad, sad ending for this man.

But this was a story.

I think many times we need like a turning point.

Like what's going to happen in my life in order for me to stop accepting certain behaviors.

And I think I remember the day he died, I was crying, I was sad, but.

He made me process the story and it made me realize like, okay, Anthony abused me for 15 years.

And towards the end of his life, as I was taking care of him and I knew he was going to die,

of course I forgave him for his behavior, but I also knew that I didn't deserve to be treated like that.

And then I kept letting men treat me like shit over and over again.

And after this story, that to me, that was the turning point.

I said, you know what?

I'm going to have a voice.

And that's the one promise that I'm going to make for myself.

I will never, ever allow any man, any man, to disrespect me ever again.

And once I said that to myself,

all the people I dated later, although the relationships, of course, didn't work out, I'm still single, I'm still looking for my perfect match, were nice people.

There was never any disrespect anymore.

It doesn't work out for different reasons, but I set a standard.

And as the years went by, and as I was doing cat on the lose more and more and more and becoming stronger and stronger and stronger, I always remembered this story that I'm sharing with you guys.

And I always remember looking at myself in the mirror and say, no man, no person in the world deserves to make you this miserable on your birthday or any day.

So to me, this is my thermometer.

When I meet anyone, I'm like, if there is no respect, if I have to doubt or wonder for one second, where is this person?

Where is this man?

I don't want to be in this relationship.

I want to be in a relationship where I feel 1 million percent safe and that I can trust that person as much as they can trust me and that they're going to respect me as much as I can respect me.

It sounds easy and silly, but like I said, whatever it is that you're going through, if you set one standard for you, like that is a non-negotiable, like write down on a piece of paper or look at yourself in the mirror like I did, if you set that standard, it's going to make everything else moving forward.

easier and better as it did.

I'm still hoping, of course, I'm a sucker for love.

I love love stories.

I'm actually bringing an amazing love story soon for you guys on the podcast, which is a lady that I connected with because of Cat on the Lose.

But, anyways,

I think we should never give up on love because if you give up on love, all the losers, all the cheaters, all the assholes, all the horrible people win the game.

You gotta keep believing that there are amazing people out there.

There is someone so amazing, so amazing, so amazing looking for you that deserves you.

And that's how I live my life.

So, even the people that I dated, for whatever reasons, it doesn't work out, there is never a lack of respect ever again.

Because from the get-go, I'm very clear about that.

Loyalty and respect are on top of my list.

So, if you're listening to this episode and you're going through something tough right now, a breakup, or someone disrespecting you, that's the first cycle that needs to stop.

If there is no respect, there is nothing else, nothing else.

And if somebody did break your heart, like imagine how I was feeling like the the last last last shit in the universe after what this dude did to me one million percent you can pick up the pieces and rebuild but we have to put ourselves first and my game only changed when I learned how to love myself when I decided I am such a nice wonderful human being that I don't deserve to be abused and I don't deserve to be cheated on and I don't deserve to be lied on.

But it starts with me.

We allow behaviors.

People treat us a certain way because we allow it.

And then we allow it again and again and again.

So, you know, we have to stop first and foremost with us.

I really, really hope the story inspires you a little bit to never ever settle, never stay in a crappy, shitty relationship.

I hope nobody spends as long of a time as I did in my marriage, 15 years.

If somebody's abusing you or treating you like crap, there is always a way to start over and rebuild.

I promise promise you.

Even if you have to start from scratch, like I did, even if you have to climb one teeny step at a time,

the key is believe you can do it.

I'm only here today

because way back then,

after what this dude did to me, I thought, you know what?

I can do better.

I'm going to start believing in myself.

I love you guys.

Take care of yourselves.

Please keep sending DMs.

I appreciate you so much, and I'll see you next week.

And this one is for everyone that loves to play poker and is planning a trip to Las Vegas.

I just came back from Las Vegas, I found out about this, and I want to share with you guys because I had so much fun.

I'm inviting you to go check out the most fun, most private poker game in town held right inside Aria's Resort VIP poker room.

It's called Table

One.

And I love the name, and it's very fitting because this is the most exclusive, hottest poker table in town right now.

Even if you're not that into poker or new to the game and want to try it out, this is a great opportunity to network with businessmen, athletes, and celebrities in a super exclusive environment.

Mr.

Beast has played there, Dan Bilzerian has played there, Golf Pros have played in it.

It's like an elite, exclusive social club, but also a really, really fun, cool environment.

And you're going to play Texas, no limit, hold them, and you're going to have so much fun.

It's blowing up, definitely one of the hottest places in all of Las Vegas right now.

However, your name needs to be on the list in order for you to gain access.

So make sure you send me a message.

If you want to do it through Instagram, Katzamuto, Z-A-M-M-U-T-O, DM there or text me or WhatsApp on 1-310-692-0578 to reserve your seat for priority access.

And I am going to give you some incredible special comps that are only available to my guests.

You guys got to listen to this.

They will reimburse your ARIA hotel fee for up to $350 for each day you play the game.

They will give you private transportation from the airport to the hotel, and they will give you access to special airfare deals for business and first-class tickets.

I mean, these guys will totally roll out the red carpet for you, and you're going to have so much fun.

So, if you're planning a trip to Las Vegas, let me hook you up with table one, and you are going to love it.

Don't forget, send me a message.