THE LOVE FIX - CAN WE MAKE OUR DATING AND LOVE LIVES EASIER????

Okay,

so if you are like most singles in the world, you probably agree that dating is very chaotic.

It's a total shit show out there, especially nowadays with all these dating apps, all these options, all this craziness going on.

So I'm always trying to find answers for us.

And I know a lot of people get really discouraged.

I have single girlfriends that have been through heartbreak, through chaotic relationships that don't work out, people cheating, lying, la la la la la.

And many times I hear women, men too, but mostly women saying, Oh my God, I'm not never going to try again.

I gave up on dating.

This is too much work.

It's too much bullshit.

I'm just going to be alone.

And for those of you who know me, you know that I'm an eternal, eternal believer in love,

in trying again.

No matter how many times you get hurt, you always need to keep looking for the right person for you because I know they're trying to find us as well.

So I came across these two ladies, they actually reached out to me for me to be on their podcast.

So I gave them an interview and I invited them to be on today's episode of Cat on the Loose because they're experts.

So I'm trying to shed light on the subject from an expert point of view because,

as I keep repeating over and over, for the people that don't know me, I am not an expert.

I just share my own experiences and my guest experience.

So their podcast is called

the Love Fix Podcast.

And the ladies are Sherry Gabba.

She's a licensed psychotherapist.

And her co-host, who also wrote a book that I really like, her name is Carla Romo.

She is a dating and relationship expert, and she wrote a book.

Contagious Love, Break Free from Codependence,

Codependency.

So I asked her about that as well.

I hope you guys enjoyed the episode.

It's packed with questions, a lot of information.

Obviously, I make jokes about it, but at the end of the day, it's serious stuff.

If we can learn how to date smarter, if we can learn how to recover after heartbreak, after disappointments, hopefully it's going to be smoother sailing ahead.

I hope you guys enjoy this episode.

Much love and I'll see you again soon.

And as you guys know, Cat on the Lose is a podcast about sex, dating, and relationships.

I truly believe that sex is or should be a huge part of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

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Now, fair warning for those of you new here to Carondaloos and Cat Kingdom.

You are entering a 100% organic zone.

Never edited, never scripted.

podcast.

If you don't like dogs, this podcast is probably not for you because Phoenix is with me 99%

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if you do like complete honest real and raw conversations this podcast might be just for you and if that's the case welcome to our fast-growing worldwide community this is a free space for all of us free judgment free to talk about sex dating and relationships and anything related to the subjects if we can shed light in these topics if we can make our sex lives dating life relationships life easier better happier healthier wonderful amazing i hope you enjoy it you are entering a real life podcast and welcome.

Okay, girlies and boys out there.

Welcome to Cat Kingdom.

Today, I brought not one but two

fantastic experts when it comes to the world of dating and relationships.

Because let's face it, it's been a shit show out there.

So, let me introduce my guests first of all, and then we're going to bombard them with all the questions that you girls sent me.

I'm not an expert, I can never answer them, but let's hope my guests today can.

So, I have the

hosts of a podcast that I actually really enjoyed.

It's called the Love Fix Podcast.

Carla Romo.

She's a life dating and relationship coach.

Hi, Carla.

Hello, hello.

Thank you for doing Cat on the Lose.

Yeah.

And I also have the co-host of the Love Fix podcast, Sherry Gubb.

She's a licensed psychotherapist.

Hi, Sherry.

Hello.

Thank you, ladies, for doing Cat on the Lose.

Yeah, I'm excited.

Yeah, okay.

So your game, are you ready for the for the bombardment of questions

hit us come at us I love it I love it as most people know and I keep repeating that I am not an expert so on my podcast I talk about my experience I exchange experience with guests blah blah blah blah blah but I get dozens and dozens and dozens of messages and questions and people want to so

Today, my team compiled a bunch of questions that girls sent me and hopefully you ladies can help a little bit.

Let's start from the basic.

On your podcast and on your work, you girls talk a lot about codependency.

So either one of you, like Carla, if you want to go first, in a nutshell for like layman people, not experts, such as myself, can you explain what a codependent relationship means or what does it look like?

Because many times we are in one and we don't even notice.

Well, I was in one, multiple actually, for years, different relationships.

I always say it's like when I talk about this in my book, Contagious Love,

you know, it's like different guy, like different face, or different face, same, same guy, right?

Like, that's you know.

So, here's the deal with codependency.

I like to describe it, explain it as very simple, which is you lose a part of yourself to the relationship.

And what that looks like could be trying to fix, trying to help cure somebody's addiction or mental health issue or whatever it is that they're doing that's not, they're not taking care of themselves.

It could, you could be in an abusive relationship and feel codependent, like trying to help them change themselves because, oh, they're promising you that they will change and they're going to get better.

So you're losing a sense of yourself to them.

And it's rooted in low self-esteem.

So you don't feel worthy.

You don't love yourself.

You might think you do, though.

That's the disguise.

Like, oh, I know what's best.

I do love myself.

I care about myself.

No, the root of it is that you're afraid of being alone.

You're afraid of being unlovable, unworthy, and that's really the root of it.

Why do you guys think that most people, and maybe Sherry can answer this one, because we talked about it on your podcast?

Why is it, and I think it's most women, right?

Why do we have this fear of being alone?

Do we think something bad is going to happen to us?

Or do we need a man like to pay our bills?

Is it related to finances is it emotional what is it sherry you know there's actually men that feel the same way right but you're right we probably see more women that actually reach out but i do get men too that have the same fears remember it's it's often rooted where we grew up and what were our parents like were they available did they nurture us were we abandoned we come from a family where there was divorce was there addiction When we have parents that aren't really there for us and they're not nurturing us, we feel invisible.

and so when we feel invisible we feel very alone so that woman out there a man out there that has to have a relationship deep down being alone is worse than death really just worse than death they do not want to be because they were so alone growing up it's very painful to be a child you know you could also have a family you could have had a sip a sibling where all the attention was on that sibling and you were invisible this made you feel like you're in the nothingness of nothingness and so you have to attach Attaching is everything to you.

And how do you fix it?

Like, I mean, I don't know if it always comes from like you know, childhood traumas.

In my case, I had like a super shitty childhood, very absent father, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But I'm not afraid of being alone.

I actually love being alone.

I love being self-sufficient.

I don't have a problem with that.

But how do you fix it?

Like, if somebody out there is listening to us,

like so many women that text me, oh, I'm in this miserable relationship and guys too.

Like you said, I have guy friends that are like in miserable marriages, and they feel sorry for the woman, or they don't know if they're gonna do well.

Or how, is there a way that you like break through?

Well, codependency is an addiction like anything else, and the opposite of addiction is connection.

Share, can you move your microphone a little closer to me?

Yeah, much better.

Thank you.

Codependency is an addiction like anything else, and so the opposite of addiction is connection.

So, how can I become connected to myself again?

How do I learn to be intimate with myself?

Like Carla always talks about.

How do I have a relationship with myself?

There are many ways to do this.

But if you have a lot of these deep-seated family of origin issues, work with a great trauma therapist, which is actually what I do.

You want to work with someone that's going to help you learn how to connect back to you.

And then you're not afraid to be alone.

The reason you don't want to be alone is because you have no connection with yourself.

Well, how do I get a connection with myself?

You do the work.

That's how.

Okay.

Yeah.

And the work is ongoing.

That's the other thing, too.

There's no graduation.

So, like, when you talk about like fixing it, like, codependents want to fix, right?

Like, they want to fix the other person and they want to fix themselves because they see themselves as broken.

Nobody's broken.

We're all human beings.

We're all imperfect, but it's a journey to getting there.

And so, like Sherry said, it's like doing the work, working through your trauma.

And I can say this for myself, like, I did the trauma work around all of this.

And I am very much out of my codependency today.

today, but I also have practices of creating and maintaining a healthy relationship with myself.

Are you single now, Carla, or in a relationship?

I am.

I'm in a relationship right now.

So, yeah.

Okay.

Ah, look at the smile on her face.

I know, I know.

How did you meet this person?

Can you share?

Yeah, absolutely.

So he and I actually met on Hinge, and I was very specific on what I was looking for.

Okay.

And I was very like directional.

I mean, I'm a dating coach as well.

So like, I, you know, I practice what I preach.

I'm not going to go tell my clients to go do something.

And they've had lots of success, you know, in dating and in their relationships.

And I have a client literally getting married in five days

that I helped like work through all this stuff.

And so here's the thing is that, you know, if you're going to be on the apps or if you're going to date or anything like that, you've got to get really clear on what you're looking for and what you want.

And you don't want to just like settle for anything, you know?

My thing is like, I, I'm all about a Sunday, okay?

Like, an ice cream Sunday, and my partner is the cherry on top of that Sunday, and he knows that.

Yeah,

I love it.

So, now they okay, let's talk a little bit about this.

This since you're a dating coach, dating apps, it's a shit show, it's chaos.

I talk about it over and over and over again.

Oh my god, I feel like people are ordering each other like DoorDash.

They look at the dating apps like, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, yes,

you see, like mature men in their 50s, in their 60s, All of a sudden, they're like teenagers again.

They cannot resist the temptation of quantity.

So, what do you tell your clients?

What do you tell me?

What do you tell my audience?

Like, how do you, is there a surefire way when you go on the dating app, you do your profile, you do everything right?

Can you spot the players?

from someone who is actually seriously looking for a relationship.

Yeah, it's actually what I tell my clients to do, and it's what I did that worked foolproof for myself.

So, what I would do is I would get, I'm going to talk from my perspective.

It's what I tell my clients as well, but I think it's helpful to kind of see like it also worked for me.

I would get on the apps and I'd have the back and forth conversations.

And then he would ask, oh, do you want to meet up sometime for, you know, coffee or you want to go, you know, get tacos or just something, right?

Ice cream.

And before I answer yes, I would say, curious what you're looking for since everyone's on the apps for different reasons.

So I would specifically put it that way, and I have all my clients do the same.

And depending on their answer, I would decide whether I'd go out with them or not.

But I'm going to put parentheses there before you move on.

I have interview and all my best friends are men.

I don't know because I get along with men.

And they all say the same thing.

Guys lie.

Period.

They will tell you whatever you want to hear because they want to meet you and hopefully bang you, have sex with you.

They lie.

Like you literally ask them what, and they say, Oh, I want a relationship, but most of them are lying.

Okay, but here's the thing: so the lies can only get them so far if you have boundaries around what you're looking for and boundaries with dating.

And here's the other thing, too, is a relationship could look so different for other people.

So you're not asking what's your definition of a relationship, you're just at least going out with somebody with the intention of that.

And I'll tell you this: that the guys that I had gone on dates with, that I had asked, like, I never felt like anybody was just lying to me.

And so, you know, and my clients as well have really good experience and success with asking those questions.

Of course, people can lie.

And I tell everybody that.

And depending on their answer, if they buffer it, like, oh, well, I'd love to be friends at first and get to know you.

And then I'm really looking for a relationship.

That's a no, because to me, that's avoiding attachment style.

Somebody buffering, oh, we got to be friends first.

No, obviously, like the point of dating is getting to know somebody and then deciding if you're going to be in a relationship.

Like, thank you for defining what dating is.

But, but my whole thing is, is that you ask the question and then you go on the dates and then you talk about it.

See how they respond.

How do you feel?

Do they dodge it?

Does it sound like they're bullshitting it?

Yeah.

And then from there, you get to kind of sess out, okay, does this person seem legit or not?

Makes sense.

And by the way, Kat, when you said, you know, it's a shit show and people are swiping right, left, all over the place.

It's a candy store.

I say, you don't want them.

You don't want the one that keeps swiping.

I agree.

And you're going to be able to figure that out real fast.

And I'm going to add this, which is a little controversial.

I think that those, I'm going to call them attention whores.

Those people that need all that attention, there's a really good chance they're narcissists because narcissists absolutely need tons of attention.

And they may even be love addicts.

Sherry, I'm sorry, can you raise your microphone closer to your mouth a little bit?

Thank you so much.

I'm like on top of it.

That's better.

Much better.

Get in there.

I'm like,

you know, I have clients that they don't even want to meet the person.

They just want to get picked.

They just want to

i call and i call them love addicts it's not oh my god is my ex-boyfriend your client

i swear to god i mean they can even be in relationships and they're looking outside the relationship which of course to me is emotional cheating that's what happened to me

yes they're looking for that hit and you know you don't want that person looking for a hit you don't want that person that needs all that attention you just want that one yeah

so have you know i also this is where faith comes in you know if you're having a lot of bad luck on, you know, dating, have some faith.

It's going to turn around.

It's going to I agree.

I have total faith.

I never lose hope.

But you nailed the point that I really like that you said that.

Some people,

all they want is like the feeling, the feeding their ego.

And that's exactly what happened to me last year.

I met someone on Bumble.

I don't know if I told you girls the story.

I talked about it on the podcast so many times because once I told my story, so many girls said, oh my God, the same thing happened to me.

I met this guy, and finally, it was the first person ever since Anthony died, like the first person in years, he seemed like the right guy.

He would literally.

He stayed like from Anthony's.

No, listen.

Yeah.

He would literally look me in the eyes.

He would feel really bad.

I know.

He would literally say.

I don't have an Anthony anymore.

Just a caveat, by the way, my last boyfriend was an Anthony.

Okay.

So this guy.

I digress.

This guy would literally look me in the eyes and tell me that I was the girl for him, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

We were in a committed relationship, monogamous relationship.

Everything was going great.

And one day I found out he was still on bumble, months and months into it.

And he, you know, his answer was to me, oh, it's to feed my ego.

Because I was married for so long.

It's feeding my ego.

Obviously, I should have run away that day, right?

And stupid me stayed in the relationship more and more and more and more.

And then one day he called me and broke up on the phone, like three-minute phone.

Oh, that's not what I want.

Total, like, immature asshole, like 53-year-old, like, playing, oh, I don't know what I want, which was like my biggest fear.

My biggest fear was like the bumbo cliche, you know?

And that's what Sherry just said.

He wanted a relationship.

When he found everything he wanted, the temptation of, you know, the quantity and everything was too much.

sounds like he has narcissistic traits a hundred percent like what Sherry was just saying also I have to say too have a conversation I mean not that you look if somebody's gonna lie to you they're gonna lie to you I've always said that and they're actually lying to themselves it has nothing to do with you so many people take blame in regards to cheating whether it's emotional or physical or both and there is no blame in this right like that is a hundred percent the other person's choice even if you didn't want to have sex on a Friday night bullshit that is a hundred percent on them yeah and the other thing that i was going to say is that you know when when you're starting to date somebody have the conversation like we're deleting the apps right like where are we at what does this look like what are our boundaries around monogamy so you know and look in some cases people are going to just lie right and that sounds kind of like what's what happened not looking back i agree yeah i i that's That's why I say slow and steady wins the race.

Take your time.

You know, anytime I've ever, for me personally and many of my clients, whenever you get in a relationship so fast, so furious, you know, what goes up is going to come down really fast.

So, take your time, get to know them.

Maybe Carla and I have a little bit of a difference in this respect.

Maybe don't sleep with them so fast.

And I'm not saying I haven't slept with people fast.

I mean, I've had my day.

This is a very controversial one because every expert I ever interviewed, they have different points of view.

Some experts say, Yeah, withhold sex.

Wait, no, no.

Some experts say, My opinion is

do what feels right for you because the right person for you they don't care if you're gonna have sex on the third date a month from now two months they're gonna be the right person for you so well i don't call it withholding i mean that's that i guess that's what you would call it but i don't really phrase it that way i i just phrase it as get to know the person and also get to know how you'll feel if you sleep with that person and then they decide they don't want to see you again That's really important.

Like, if you want to sleep with someone, go for it.

But just say, can I handle that if they decide they don't like, you know, they don't want to see me anymore?

That's that's the question.

You're right.

And you can do whatever you want.

I mean, I've slept with people fast and relationships have worked out.

I've

waited, but I always know that if it doesn't work out, if I sleep with them fast, I have to be okay if they don't want to see it.

Yeah, no, I agree.

I think each woman knows what works for them.

In my case, I've done it all.

I think if I meet someone and I go on date one, date two, day day three,

at one point towards the beginning, I want to know if we have sexual chemistry because for me, it's on top of my list.

I love having sex, a lot of sex.

I want high-quality sex because I lacked that in my marriage.

And I tell my partners off the bat, like, you need to have very, very high sexual energy.

Because if you're lukewarm, if you're lazy sexually, you're not for me.

No, really, because you know, a lot of people, some people like once a week some people and I'm like dude if you're gonna sleep in my bed we better be having great fantastic hot sex I don't want to have a roommate again you know I think it is so roommate again I think it's so important to have the conversation about what your needs are with sex yes

it really is and it doesn't have to be in a sexual way like it doesn't have to be like ooh like when guys creep on you from the apps and say inappropriate things and then you're like oh my god get away from me it does it's just it's just a need right right?

And it's a way of creating, it's just one aspect of many, of creating intimacy in a relationship.

I completely agree.

And it's very interesting that you said that because so many women are embarrassed to talk about sex.

And so many, so many, they're uptight, they're embarrassed, or they're going to be labeled like, oh, she's a whore.

She sleeps around.

In my case, obviously, I do the sex podcast.

My vibe is always very sexy.

My pictures are very sexy because I've been doing that my whole life.

I'm comfortable with my body, my sexuality.

I love showing my body for me.

I have no problem.

And I'm trying to empower women to do the same.

Of course, most men that see my profile on dating apps send me messages on Instagram.

They think, oh my god, she's the easiest fuck.

I'm going to have sex.

But the guy that's my partner knows me, they know how loyal I am and how very few partners I've had, and how it takes me a while.

I use this expression that is funny, like it takes me a while to change dick because I don't like a lot of dick changing.

I don't like jumping dick because I think my body's a tempo.

No, no, I know a lot of girls do it.

Go for it.

I have friends that change dick all the time.

No problem.

For me, it's a process.

It takes many, many months.

But I want girls to talk about it.

Like you said, it should be on top of the conversation.

So now I ask you, ladies, the experts, if somebody out there is listening, they're like, oh, but I'm so shy.

How am I going to tell my date?

What are any tips, like how to be more comfortable talking about what's important to you sexually?

I'm all about calling out the elephant in the room.

Everybody, come on, when you're dating, everyone's thinking about when are we going to have sex?

Like, that's just the truth.

Like, even if you're getting to know somebody, like, the sexual tension is there.

Otherwise, like you said, you'd have a roommate or you'd have a best friend, right?

Like, it wouldn't you, like, the guy would be friend zoned.

And we've all probably friend zoned lots of guys before, but like, that's, you know, the idea.

So, my whole thing is, is like, really just, just calling it out.

There's no, and you don't have to do it like really intense, you know, in an intense way, but it can be really subtle too.

Of like, hey, you know, like, what are your ideas around sex?

And it could be like really broad.

And then that can help you at least open the conversation.

And sex is an ongoing conversation, it's an evolution within a relationship, is the really the way that I look at it.

So, you're going to go through different, you know, experiences, ups, downs, that kind of thing sexually with partners, especially in long-term relationships.

So, I think starting a conversation early sets the foundation and the groundwork to really a healthy and awesome sex life.

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And I would add this, if you're having this kind of conversation, you're actually communicating.

And one of the number one things that make a relationship healthy is great communication.

So why not start with something maybe a little bit challenging and see where it goes?

Now, if you can't have this conversation, well, maybe then it's not a great, you know, you're not a fit when it comes to your communication with each other.

I think think it's just a great thing to throw out there just to test the waters of communication.

I love it.

You're absolutely right.

And I think if the partner judges you, like,

I have no problem.

I tell the guys, I think even there's a little bit of butter on my dating profiles.

Like, you need to have high energy, high energy, everything, high energy in life, high energy sexually, work, because I am very high energy.

I want to partner that matches.

If they judge you, if they don't like what they hear,

you already know it's not a match, correct?

It's a next.

It's a next.

Next.

Next.

Yeah.

Next.

Thank you.

Next.

I love it.

So, Carla, please share with us, just so we know, you met your now boyfriend on Hinge.

How long until you guys had sex?

I'm not talking about that.

You're not talking about that.

You're not talking about that.

So we all know.

There are certain things.

Look, I will say this, though.

Can you just tell us?

I do practice what I preach.

So everything that I'm talking about.

How long have you guys been dating?

Like

two, three months or so, two and a half.

I don't know.

I have to go back and count.

I'm terrible at math.

You know, my mom's a mathematician and my grandfather's a rocket scientist and I said I didn't get the math genes, which is why I do this type of work.

Okay.

But now we know that it's a new relationship and you're not the kind of girl that would withhold sex for six months, for example.

I did not withhold sex.

No, believe it or not, there are a lot of matchmakers that came on this show and that's what they recommend, you know, that you should wait forever and ever and ever.

This is my philosophy with sex.

You have to do what we said, right?

We're just echoing this right now, real quick, but you have to do what you feel comfortable with.

All right, but here's the deal is that if you know you get attached really easily and you struggle with having boundaries, sexual boundaries, other types of boundaries and relationships, you might or you don't listen to the red flags.

You paint the red flags green.

You like, you see a red flag, you run into fix and save the person.

Then yeah, you know what?

Having sex might create an actual chemical chemical response of dopamine and make you feel more attached and attracted to that person.

But if that's not an issue, then you really have to just do what feels best and what's comfortable for you.

I don't think there's a right or wrong.

I really, I just don't.

Like you guys said, some people have sex right away.

Some people wait a long time.

I think it would be really freaking irresponsible.

I don't know, Sherry backed me on this one, but to tell somebody that they need to wait a certain amount of time to have sex as an expert.

Yeah, I don't.

I just, when I say slow and steady, there's no time limit.

It's just go on a few dates.

I mean, don't, you know, get to know them a little bit.

That's usually what I mean.

I don't mean wait six.

I would never tell somebody how long.

It's very personal.

I agree.

No, I agree.

Yeah.

The other thing too is some people are dealing with, you know, sexual trauma and things like that.

And that doesn't come out until later on in life or, you know, that they're, that all of a sudden they're triggered by it too.

So you have to think about that too as well.

Like, what's your story?

What's your journey?

Like, what's going to make you feel safe?

Sex should feel safe.

Like, that is what is, I think that's what's liberating.

I think that's what brings on good sex is the feelings of safety.

Because then you can be vulnerable, you can explore, you can be open with dialogue.

Like Sherry was talking about the communication.

So I think all of those things are just important to kind of look at here.

You girls make amazing points.

And in my case, and I don't know if you agree or not, for me, the best part about having sex is the intimacy is like

with the same person because it gets better and better and better.

You know them better, you know what they like, they know what you like, and it gets more and more delicious as time goes by.

This is why I, me, Catherine, I don't do casual sex, and I have all these my guy friends that jump from one girl to the other, the other, the other.

And I think men that do that, especially nowadays, because of the dating apps, all the availability, they're missing out on the best part of having sex with someone you like because, literally, if you build that up, it gets better and better and better with time or at least it's supposed to right

i think women are

i mean i don't i i i heard this a few times but women are pretty fast to to have sex pretty quickly in my age range 50s 60s they're kind of quick to to go to bed i don't know about the younger age but i remember i had a guy say you know you know um women just wanted to have sex like right away what are your thoughts about that really like yeah and i'm just like well i i just probably not the one for you if you're looking.

I mean, he was basically wanting to have sex, like, then and there.

I'm like, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, I think you got the wrong girl.

You got the wrong girl.

Yeah, what is your

pilot cat?

Dick switch.

What is it?

Jumping dick.

What is it?

Jumping dick.

Jumping dick.

And listen, I'm not judging the dick jumpers because one of my best friends is a dick jumper and she loves it.

And I'm completely supportive of her lifestyle.

I think you should do whatever works for you.

Like, if guys have a bunch of sex with multiple partners, they don't get judged.

And I don't want us to judge me either, you know.

I just didn't like how he was trying to corner me, you know, like I should be like all these other women.

Oh, yeah, no, that's fucking manipulative, right?

That are sleeping with him so fast.

I'm like, good for you.

Yeah, exactly.

Go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

It was just that entitlement.

Like, you know, somehow, you know, there's

this shortage of great men like me, which, by the way, he wasn't that great.

And you should want to be with me.

And I'm like, oh,

okay.

I'm going to throw something out there, though.

If he can't communicate with you, this is from an expert perspective.

If he can't communicate well with you and he's manipulative like that, he's probably not good at communicating what your needs would be in the bed.

Yes.

Yes.

That's

Carla.

Yeah, exactly.

I'll say if somebody's pushing you you or pressure or something yeah they're not for you next do what feels right for you i have done casual sex in the past i have done one night stands in the past and as i grew mentally and i'm maturing mentally i decided it's not for me that's it that's why i have so many hot single guy friends because i put them on the friend zone and we become best friends i want a partner that I'm gonna have over and over and over again but I think we need to make a decision whatever works for each person, correct?

Okay, moving on, we're gonna take a two-minute break, but we're gonna be right back.

I wanna ask you guys, hold that thought just so you simmer for two minutes because I get that question all the time, and I don't know if there's an answer.

How do we mend the broken heart?

Like it happened to me last year, it happened to so many people.

You get invested in a relationship, you start liking the person, you think, okay, this is it, you know, like

first gear, second gear, let's go.

And then all of a sudden,

stop.

And so many girls are like, oh, I give up on love.

I'm not going to date again.

I want you girls to help us.

How do you mend a broken heart?

How do you move on after heartbreak, after abuse, after trauma?

Hold that thought.

This is a very important cat on the lose.

We're trying to fix our chaotic love lives.

We'll be right back with Carla Romo, live dating and relationship coach, Sherry Gabba, licensed psychotherapist.

You guys are talking to experts here now.

We'll be right back.

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Okay, we're back.

This is, we make a lot of jokes and I know that's just my style, but this is serious business.

How do we navigate the chaotic waters of dating and relationships in these days of dating apps and crazy people?

So, I brought two fantastic experts, the hosts of the Love Fix podcast.

I highly recommend it.

They're really good.

They're very intelligent women, which I love.

Carla Romo is back here with us.

Sherry Gobb is back here with us.

Let's answer that question.

If there is an answer, like for me,

again,

I went through a nasty marriage, a bunch of like frogs.

Then last year I was like, wow,

that's my prince.

That's my prince.

And he looked me in the eyes over and over again.

I like you.

You're great.

We start making plans.

Everything clicks.

Everything is fantastic.

We like the.

All of a sudden...

Put the brakes on it, broke my heart.

I wasn't in love.

I was invested in the relationship.

Because, like most of us, we hope, right?

If you meet somebody you like, you have to be invested in it if you want to make it work.

So, a lot of girls send me this message: Oh, I am so heartbroken, I cannot even handle dating anymore.

I cannot go through this shit again.

It's too much pain, it's too much trouble.

I'm gonna give up on love.

I don't want anybody to give up on love.

How do you mend a broken heart?

Who wants to go first?

All right, so I really like the saying: you grow through what you go through.

And I can tell you this, I work with my clients all the time in regards to, you know, these awful breakups, or they get back together with somebody, they break up, get back together, or they're dating and they're like, I'm still thinking about this person.

Why am I not past it?

So there's a lot here, which is, you know, I'm going to break it down as simple as possible, but it's really creating the connection with yourself.

Learning from the last person, taking the wisdom and moving it forward.

But you have to do self-reflection for that shit.

It's not just going to like come out, you know, of thin air.

So the thing is that you really got to get clear on taking care of yourself, your worth, your value, loving yourself.

I talk about self-love as a journey.

There is no destination.

Okay.

I feel like it's so marketed in your face, self-self, love, self-love.

But true self-love is: I am worthy enough of finding love again.

I am, I am valued.

I am lovable just as I am, whether that's with somebody or not with somebody.

So when you're saying, oh, I'm going to hold off on going after love because I'm so damaged, right?

Or I'm so upset or forget it, then you're already exiting out opportunity for yourself.

You're exiting out connection with yourself.

So my whole philosophy is really grieving the breakup.

It sucks.

Trust me, I know this from personal experience.

Okay.

I know this from my own codependency journey of learning to love myself and be with myself and be single and

learn to love me.

And then I I talk about this on our podcast, The Love Fix, for our New Year's special, where I ended my engagement in 2022.

Wow.

And I saw red flags at the very end of the relationship, and they came out of nowhere.

They were not there in the relationship.

I wouldn't have made a conscious choice, and I'm putting that there, choice, to marry this person if I had seen those red flags.

And then once I did, I recognized, oh, this is not what I need.

This is not what I want because

I had done the work from previous breakups of what I'm looking for what my boundaries are how to communicate that how to love myself and because I had that foundation within myself I was like yeah this is a deal breaker I'm out and then I grieved and I let myself grieve and I took months you guys months off from dating but I wasn't afraid to be single because I had done that previous work

and then I decided I had a moment in India where I was sitting there I traveled the world okay okay, because that's what one does, you know, when you go through radio.

Actually, I just traveled the world

even in relationships.

But

I was sitting in India in my hotel room and I was doing some solo travel.

And I just had this moment of,

you're ready.

It was a quiet moment.

It was like, you're ready to do this again.

You've put in the work, you've healed.

You worked with a trauma specialist.

You did EMDR trauma therapy, which is great for anybody who's, you know, curious about trauma work.

Sherry also does a lot of trauma therapy work with her clients as well.

And I did the work.

I put in the work and I said, you want this.

You want this connection.

Like you want that cherry on top of your Sunday.

So go get it.

And it wasn't about like needing to rush or to find it to completely, I mean, I bought a condo in the meantime.

I moved into the city I wanted to move into.

Like I was living my life.

Okay.

And I was you did things for yourself.

Yeah.

I think that's so important to focus on yourself.

Yeah.

And I would say this when you were talking earlier about women saying, I just can't go through this pain again.

I just can't do it.

it when you're in it and you're breathing of course you're going to feel that way but you have no idea how you're going to feel three months from now six months from now if you're willing to do the work there's so much possibility but if you say oh I don't trust men I don't want to go out anymore then you know what you're going to get you're going to get nothing But if you say, wow, there could be a lot of possibility out there,

but I just have to do the work.

And you know what?

In three months, six months, I'm not going to feel this bad.

Because you aren't going to feel this bad forever.

But when you're in it, it's really hard, it's a heartache.

Yes, no, and I, yes, 1 million percent.

I agree with you.

When we are going through pain, it's hard to see

the future, everything passes in life.

Going through heartbreak is very painful for me.

And maybe you girls think I'm crazy, but I'm gonna throw this out there.

As I'm going through the process, yeah, I felt like shit.

I doubted my judgment.

Like, I don't get mad at the person because I took so long to choose the right partner for me.

So, once he broke my heart and he dismissed me over the phone, I'm like, what a fucking coward.

Like, look me in the eyes, talk to me.

You know, you should be a man.

The same man that makes a commitment to be with me should be the man that looks me in the eyes.

But anyway, that's a whole other story.

But as I was going through that, and I started doubting myself again, wow, why did I believe this person?

Why did I trust him?

Why did I trust everything he said to me?

But as the days and weeks went by i get stronger like my pain and suffering makes me even stronger than i was before and i don't know what happens within me but i start looking at myself in the mirror and i work out harder and like like carla was saying she went on a trip i didn't go on a trip but i started like you know just investing more on my projects.

I concentrating on work, focusing on things that I love.

And after a few weeks, I was like, wait a minute, you know, obviously it's his loss.

He's the idiot like playing the dating apps game, trying to find something better than me.

And I'm living my best life.

I'm happy.

I'm fantastic.

So many men after me.

So many men want to date me.

So, as funny as it is, and I tell my girlfriends that they think I'm a psycho, I become an even stronger person because of my pain.

I don't know if that makes me a crazy psycho or not, but that's what I tell girls.

Just, you know, transform your pain into fuel for your fire.

Well, you had said earlier that there was a red flag when he was still on bumble.

Right?

I would bet that the next time you get into a situation like this,

you'll get away from it much faster.

You won't wait for him to break up with you.

Next time there's a red flag like that, you're going to be like, oh, this is a no.

So I think this is going to just get better and better for you, Kat.

Yeah, so this is another question for you, ladies, that we ask all the time.

So, you meet someone through a dating app and you go on a bunch of dates.

At what point do you think you should have this conversation?

Like, okay, are we deleting the apps?

Because it's mutual respect, right?

Or should you just let it flow, let it flow, let it flow?

Do you sit down and look at the person's face and talk about it?

What do you girls recommend?

Very go for it.

Yeah, I think if you're dating after a few times or three times, four times, five, I mean, as soon as you, you know, it's kind of a personal thing.

Like you start to feel like this is getting kind of exclusive.

This is feeling exclusive.

This is feeling like, ah, this could be boyfriend, girlfriend material.

Then that's a good time to say, look,

I'm just curious,

are you going to be getting off the app?

Because it looks like we're kind of moving in that direction.

Is that the direction you want to go into?

Now, opening that line of communication, I think you'll kind of know too when it's time to have that conversation as well.

You think so, Carla?

Like, do you know instinctively?

You know, do you see?

I'll say this as well is that when you

got to think about like what you want, right?

And sometimes I have clients who are anxious attachment, and I actually suggest that they date multiple people at one time.

That doesn't mean you have to sleep with multiple people at one time or be excluded, you know, like it's not, it's not like a cheating thing when I say that.

It's, it's, you just haven't had the the conversation with the person that you're seeing and you're dating.

And the reason I say that is so that you're not putting all your eggs in one basket.

All right.

So, you know, until you get like, and then I'm just going to back into what Sherry said, until you start to feel like, oh, this is starting to feel exclusive.

There's no time limit.

But until you're starting to be like, I kind of only want to date this person.

I don't really care to date other people right now.

I'm really just interested in getting to know them.

Then you can kind of start to open that conversation.

And it doesn't have to be, you know, okay, that means we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

It could be like, hey, let's, let's try to be exclusive and see how this goes, and then you know, we can kind of reevaluate and see if it's still in the direction of being boyfriend and girlfriend.

In my case, it was fucked up because it was his decisions.

He would say to me, You know, I want to be only with you, exclusively with you.

I'm not cheating on you.

I love what we have.

We're having so much fun.

You fit all the boxes.

But he won't go off bumpo, right?

And that, yeah.

So when I found out he was still on bumbo, yeah, he said, Oh, it's my ego.

I have to massage my ego, la la la la la.

And I'm like, okay, and I stayed with him, and then weeks later, he called me and said, I thought a lot about it, I deleted the app.

And I said, okay, because yeah, he I was like, okay, thank you, that's really nice of you.

And then a few weeks more, he changed his mind and broke up.

Obviously, the dude didn't know what he wanted.

So he's lost.

Absolutely his loss.

Yeah, absolutely is lost.

But now, like I said, a lot of girls ask me, like, at what point?

So, if you are, if you look in each other's eyes and you say we are dating each other exclusively and you find out your partner is still fishing around oh let me see what's out there do you consider that like cheating betrayal lack of loyalty lack of respect

emotional cheating People undermine emotional cheating so much.

We're so worried about physical cheating, but emotional cheating happens all the time.

And this is why it's so important when you're in monogamy and in monogamous relationships to talk about what your definition of monogamy is for your relationship.

Because then you're creating boundaries and you're creating a safe place of what's okay and what's not okay.

And then I'm going to go back to what I call love addiction.

If you need so much attention, that's love addiction.

You're out there looking for love all over the place.

Even if you have someone, that's not enough.

Addiction is, it's not enough disease.

So if you're on, if you're an exclusive relationship and you still need to be on bumblebee

attention, well, you're either a narcissist needing narcissistic supply or you're a love addict needing attention because you feel so empty inside.

And I think it's really, yeah, sorry.

Well, it's two sides of the same coin.

I mean, narcissists, love addicts, they both have...

severe, usually abandonment issues, and it's usually where they're coming from the same.

And I think it happens to so many people nowadays.

Like I said, I don't know if it's temptation.

For a lot of men,

like this guy that I was dating, I think he made him feel good about himself.

Like, whoa, look at all these girls like me.

A lot of my guy friends do that.

They're like, oh, there's all these girls there.

They think I'm so hot.

It makes them feel like there's someone that they overlook.

Like they tell me they want to be in a relationship, but the right person comes and goes and they lose the right person.

These are very, very low self-esteem individuals.

Anybody that needs to get that kind of fix like that.

Yeah.

From the outside and not from their soul and from their inside.

They obviously don't like themselves very much.

I have to say.

and you know what, Cap, to be honest, you probably weren't a match because I can see you're a very confident person, you love yourself, you're in a good way, you're independent.

This far wasn't a match because deep down

he's really insecure.

I agree, I think get therapy.

And I remember when I found out he was on bumble, he said to me, I don't think I ever mentioned that on the podcast before, I forgot.

He said to me, Well, but you get a lot of male attention on your Instagram, you get all these messages on Instagram, doesn't it make you feel great?

And I said, You're comparing my work

to what you're doing on Bumble.

Yeah, I get a lot of messages on Instagram.

I have a team of assistants.

It's my job.

It's not feeding my ego.

What feeds my ego is what I have with my partner, is the sex we have, the intimacy we have, the plans we have.

When you tell me I'm beautiful, when you tell me I'm amazing, this is what feeds my ego.

My work feeds my ego.

Pay my bills feeds my ego.

Not the messages this dude sent me because they like my work.

And I couldn't believe he compared his behavior on Bumble.

I'm just laughing because yesterday, I mean, once in a while, I get men that'll say, oh, hey, beautiful, on Instagram.

And the first thing I do is block them.

I want nothing to do with them.

Why do you block them?

Because I don't want some creepy, creepy

saying, hey, beautiful.

I don't want them online.

That's not what my Instagram is about.

That's just my opinion.

That's just my opinion.

Hey, if it makes you feel bad.

bad,

I don't want some guy scoping me out.

Look, it's a part of the social media game.

Like I said, you know, my work is extremely public.

I have hundreds of thousands of followers.

Any given day, we get well over like 50, 60, 70 DMs.

Can you imagine if I'm going to spend my time like looking at what people say, good and bad?

But it doesn't matter, right?

It shouldn't, that shouldn't be the measurement of how we feel about ourselves.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't think, I think you said it's your work versus like he was just trying, he was just trying to deflect.

What you actually just described is a perfect example of a manipulation and emotional abuse.

So he was trying to deflect and put it on you and point his finger and make you seem like you're the problem versus taking ownership and responsibility.

And a healthy partner would have said, wow, hold on.

Let's talk about this.

What do you need from me?

Totally.

I love it.

Okay, one more question because this is really important and we have a few more minutes.

We have 10 more minutes left.

I saw a video on Sherry's Instagram and that is like a subject that comes up all the time with me, my single girlfriends, people message me.

We meet someone and we like them and

they're unavailable like avoidant.

I think she said on her video avoidant partners like the guy doesn't respond.

You don't know what they're feeling, or they're hot and cold, you don't know they're emotionally unavailable, whatever it is.

And so many of us

go for that person.

We know it's wrong, so this is the key.

We because we're intelligent women, right?

Me, my single girlfriends are all very successful, very so.

We're not talking about dumb, stupid idiots here.

We're talking about intelligent women.

We meet this dude, and we know, oh, this guy is unavailable for whatever the hell reason and we keep insisting on it like i said these girls are like looking at the phone is he gonna text me is he gonna call me is he gonna invite me on a friday sherry why

do we do it question number one we go for what we know you know again it goes back to that repetition compulsion if you grew up where you felt invisible you didn't get your needs met your parents abandoned you they weren't available they were you know emotionally or physically unavailable.

That's what you're going to be attracted to.

We are attracted to what we know.

And so we kind of have to change that pattern.

You know, I have my own history of abandonment with my mother.

I always went for guys that were just like that, unavailable,

stonewalled me,

you know,

this type of person.

And it's going for what you...

It's going for what you know, and you have to really change the pattern.

And it's not going to be comfortable.

So you really, really think

the partners we are attracted to, it's really related to our childhood issues?

That's the key?

Oh, absolutely, 100%.

You cannot imagine how many.

Now, I don't know if either of your parents were alcoholics.

My mother is an alcoholic.

My mom was an alcoholic.

She was a closet alcoholic.

She would drink, drink, drink, and really believe.

She's an alcoholic.

And really believe that people didn't notice her behavior.

If you were abused, you're going to pick someone that's abusive.

If you had a parent that gaslit you, you're going to find a narcissist.

This is just, we go for what we know.

It's what feels comfortable inside our system.

Even though we don't realize we're doing that, right?

Because obviously we're not picking narcissists and crazy assholes on purpose.

Well, eventually when you do trauma work, and that's the kind of work that I work with my clients on, is we do understand this pattern.

And we're like, oh, there it is again.

I'm picking someone that's unavailable.

Oh, there it is.

I see it.

Okay,

this is a no.

I got to like, you know, reel back a little bit.

So, yeah, we pick what we know.

We pick what's comfortable.

We all live in a default world.

We're going to go for the default.

What is our default?

You're going to go for what you know.

And we have to move away from that default and try something different.

Listen, that whole definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, got to do it differently.

It's not easy to do it differently because what we like, we like.

Okay, so the people that don't have access to therapy or can't afford therapy, they're listening, it's an opportunity for them to have access to you, girls.

Do you have any uh pointers?

How do you change this behavior?

Even like, I have girlfriends right now, they're dating dudes.

They're like, I know this guy is bad for me.

I'm guilty of that.

I've done it a million times.

Like, I start something with a guy, like, I know this person is not good for me.

Any like practical pointers to like change this behavior,

All right, so here we go if you are dating I want you to create and this is actually what Kat you and I are gonna agree on this she calls it a non-negotiable list I call it a deal breaker list You're gonna list out right now.

What are the deal breakers?

Okay, it doesn't matter if he shits gold if he for example doesn't want

children and you want children like done like right like that's kind of like the deal breakers for you.

Okay

Then you're also gonna now this is what I do with all my clients.

So now you're gonna list list out your deal breakers so maybe you don't want somebody who smokes maybe you don't want somebody who has addiction in their background because you've been attracted to addicts before so you're trying to change your patterns right

so then you go for your needs now this is something that somebody can meet that they have to be able to meet like I need somebody who has strong family values I need somebody who is financially stable right okay so you list out those needs and then you have your wants and the wants is like I want somebody who's really funny and I want somebody who, right?

But those aren't necessarily the priorities.

It's just kind of what you want.

So it's kind of like a tier that you're looking at here.

Use it.

Get back from the date.

Pull out that list and physically, yes, physically, write out, okay, what were my thoughts about this guy?

Are there any red flags?

If there's anything that makes your gut feel off, because we know as women, we are intuitive AF.

And we know when something's off.

I always say, follow your damn gut.

Write down, this felt off.

This was a weird comment.

But if you're going to go back out with him again, go out with him again and reflect back onto what you said.

Ask questions about it.

Be curious about it.

Investigate a little bit for yourself.

It doesn't mean you're sitting there quizzing him or, you know, looking for the red flags.

But if there's a red flag, follow it.

Don't just sit back.

So I would say that's how you start to make differences and changes while you're actually dating.

I love that I have a whole chapter about how to date in this whole digital era and how to do it successfully.

And I know Carla has the same information.

You know, and also get into a community.

You mentioned how therapy can be really expensive.

Not all therapists charge crazy amounts.

I don't.

But I know there are therapists that do charge crazy amounts.

But get into a group.

You know, Carla and I have a group program.

If you go to thelovefix.com, you can take our quiz, Are My Relationships Healthy?

You can get on our mailing list.

Again, it's the lovefix.com.

and get into a group get the accountability get the experts of a therapist and a coach or a dating coach and a therapist help you navigate this if if you feel like you know getting individual therapy is not for an option for you yeah and i i like uh carla's idea because it's very practical i do it like i said i physically write down on a piece of paper these lists the non-negotiables or like she said the deal breakers i love like you said things that i want in someone things that i don't want.

Because if I see it in front of my face, it reminds me of what I am looking

in my partner.

So if they start not meeting that criteria, it kind of reminds me, you know, at face value that it's time to move on.

And I love what you guys both said about values.

What do I value?

Does this person have the similar values as I do?

You know, do we find, do we

both realize you should, you know, call back in a reasonable amount of time?

Or is this person waiting weeks to get back with me?

I mean, that's a side value, but you know, someone is that's respectful, that has boundaries.

And I think it should go without saying, and we say it all the time: if somebody's not communicating with you, right, if they're not being responsive, if they're not responding to your texts, if they're not making plans with you, if they don't care enough, you don't value you as well.

Exactly, like move on.

Why are you going to keep trying to communicate with somebody that doesn't even respond?

It's stupid, right?

But we do it.

People do it all the time.

Yes, and that can be a boundary too.

Consistency.

I tell all my clients we're dating or a value.

Consistency is key.

You know, are they consistent about following through on things?

Do they say what they're going to, you know, do they say it and then do it?

Do they do it and then say it?

Like, you want to make sure all of that is consistent.

You want congruence.

You know, if you know anything about the law of attraction, the only way it works is

what we want, what we believe, and our actions have to match.

And if they're not matching, then we're not going to attract that which we want.

And that's why that list, that you know, line in the sand list is so important.

And then you can match, and there'll be congruency: what you want, what you believe, and what your actions are.

Oh, my God, yeah, so much great advice, practical advice.

I think at the end of the day, it's all about self-love, right?

If we don't respect ourselves, nobody will.

It sounds cheesy, but like I learned the hard way.

We all did.

If you don't think you're a prize, if you don't think you're a treasure, if you don't think you're worthy of great communication, that's how people are going to treat you, right, girls?

That's right.

Exactly.

Thank you so much.

You're amazing.

The Love Fix podcast.

You can find them on Instagram.

That's exactly the Instagram handle.

The Love Fix podcast.

Carla Romo, Sherry Gaba.

It was such a huge pleasure to have you girls here.

Which days of the week do you drop new episodes?

Fridays.

And make sure you go to thelovefix.com because we're dropping a great program.

We want you to get on the mailing list.

We are definitely going to check it out.

Thelovefix.com.

Thank you, girlies.

You're amazing.

We check

that.

Hopefully, we'll date Smarter from now on.

This was a really fun cat on the loose.

Stay safe out there, no matter what you do.

Love yourself, respect yourself, Cat Kingdom.

And we'll come back very soon with more amazing guests.

Thank you.

Love you, girls.

Bye.