ASK NELLY - #1 COACH FOR HIGH VALUE MEN & WOMEN

So, my guest today, her name is Nellie Sudri.

She's a dating coach for high-value men and women, and she's a matchmaker.

I've been wanting to interview her for a long time because I absolutely love her super real, super raw, super honest videos about the world of dating and relationships.

And I know she gets a lot of backlash sometimes on her Instagram because she's so truthful.

And many times when we're going through the process of dating and being in a relationship, we don't want to hear the truth.

So I just love her.

She sticks with her ideas.

Her videos are very quick, very fast, very witty.

And I hope you guys enjoy it.

And I definitely want to ask her, what does it mean to be a high value person?

Because I know a lot of people.

think they are and maybe they're not or a lot of people want to date a high value value person and maybe they're not or maybe they are so i want her to clarify the issue for us.

And I am very, very happy that she moved from Miami to LA and we were able to do this episode in person.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

And I invited one of my dearest friends in this world, super successful, talented, award-winning actor, Ricardo Chavez.

He's also a transformational coach, so he knows a lot about going through heartbreak, rebuilding, healing.

I thought he might be a nice, fun addition and bring some male energy into this information-packed episode.

I really hope you guys enjoy it.

Like always, Cat on the Luz is 100% organic.

It's not edited.

It's not scripted.

It's 1 million percent an open window into our real lives.

Reminding you, warning for those of you who don't know Cat on the Luz, you are entering a 100%

organic zone.

This podcast is never edited, it's never scripted.

It's a podcast that is completely, completely, completely real.

If you don't like dogs, this podcast is probably not for you because 99% of the time Phoenix is with me.

If you don't like noises from the real world, this podcast is probably not for you because most of the time we do record in the real world.

This is not a a studio podcast.

We record in real places where people live, work, relate, socialize.

But

if you do like complete, honest, real and raw conversations, this podcast might be perfect for you.

So welcome to our worldwide ever-growing community.

You're entering Cat on the Loose, Cat Kingdom.

And I am very, very happy to have you.

This is a real life podcast and I hope you enjoy it.

Hi, guys!

I'm so excited to have my guest here today because I was trying to get you for a while.

I know, I'm so excited to finally get to chat with you.

I know.

Let me introduce you to my audience because we have 10 million things we want to talk about.

Nelly Sudri.

Nelly, thank you for doing Cat on the Loose.

Oh, thank you for having me.

You are a matchmaker and you are a dating coach for high-value men and women, correct?

I want to jump into that, but before before I want to say thanks my dear friend Ricardo for co-hosting for those of you guys who don't know Ricardo please go to our social media and check it out because not only he's a crazy crazy award-winning crazy successful award-winning actor he's also a transformational coach not just crazy crazy crazy crazy so today we're gonna talk about The 10 million questions that my listeners send about dating and relationships a little bit of sex so I try to pick you know the the most common questions that I've been getting, and I want to try to cram as much as possible into this hour.

So, let's be really fast and furious.

Are you game?

Yes, okay.

Okay, awesome.

So, if you guys, by the way, go check out her work if you don't follow her yet on Insta.

Because I was saying, and with all my heart, I watch your videos every single day.

I think they're incredible because you're very raw, you're very honest, you're like in your face.

And I know sometimes you say people because sometimes people don't want to hear the truth,

right?

And you say it like the way it is, and you stick to your guns, and I really love that.

Think that, yeah, I don't sugarcoat.

And I think, to be honest, when you're in this industry or you're trying to help people change their lives, and I see so many of these self-proclaimed coaches actually lying to people, saying you can get what you've never gotten by doing what you've always done, and it's a blatant lie to me, it is disrespectful to your audience.

Yeah, I completely agree with you.

So, for instance, ask.nelly,

I absolutely love it.

N-E-L-Y.

Like the wrapper.

Yeah, N-E-L-L-Y.

Yes, Ask Nellie.

Sorry.

Anyhow, you say that you are a dating coach for high-value men and women.

Let's start with that because I know there's a lot of confusion.

And I know some people get offended because you say, oh, you're high-value, you're not high-value.

Can you help us explain what a high-value person is?

Absolutely.

Well, first off, I think when people hear the word value, a lot of the times they think about what's valuable to them.

But when I talk about value in respect to dating, I'm talking about it within the context of the dating marketplace.

Now, it doesn't really matter what industry you're in, whether it's that you're dating or you're in the employment market or you're looking to get into college, you're competing with other people for essentially similar outcomes, the best outcome.

So, what I usually do before I answer your question is I compare the dating pool to, let's say you're applying to university or college okay

you're competing with all the other great students some people have A's some people have B's some people have great resumes some people don't all of these factors play into who gets it into what college now sometimes you have people with straight A's and amazing references and all the things and they get into Harvard but for the person who doesn't have those things it doesn't mean they can't get into Harvard but they might need to put in more work and the way I compare that in dating is if you want a top tier, if you're a woman, you want a top tier man, you have to come correct.

You have to be bringing it in the aspects, not that you think are important to you, but not necessarily, but what is important to that type of man, right?

What's most desirable in the dating marketplace?

And that's where the word value comes in.

What makes a woman, for example, who's straight and looking for a man, most desirable to men?

And what makes a man most desirable to women, right?

And so studies show, there's a lot of studies and statistics on this that show for men, women tend to like men who have high socioeconomic status and prestige and who are attractive as a as a barrier to entry.

Obviously, then you can get into the nitty-gritty.

Okay, I'm Christian, I want a Christian guy, or I'm Muslim, I want a Muslim guy, or I want a man who doesn't have children, right?

All of those personal nuances.

But as far as what makes men of most value in dating, a lot of the times it does come down to those things.

And when we talk about socioeconomic status and prestige it a lot of the time goes back to okay how much money are you making um you know are you presentable are you well groomed do you have a network of other men that will help you get to the next level are you verifiable right and the reason i mentioned that is a lot of men are successful but you know you can have a successful man who you know is a drug dealer and that is and that's not going to make a woman feel safe and secure because if something happens to him her financial status and life is potentially at jeopardy right So all of those factors play into the definition.

Then when we talk about women, we have to ask ourselves and look at the studies, and I coach and work with a lot of men and women who tell me, you know, what's most desirable to men?

Okay, well, men tell me, and the studies show, they want women who are nurturing, agreeable, disciplined, and that means in all aspects, right?

If you're only disciplined at work, but you're not disciplined in the gym, you're not going every day or, you know, working on your fitness and being healthy, you're not getting your eight hours of sleep, it's going to play into all aspects of your life as well.

You're not going to be fit and presentable.

And this is where a lot of the controversy comes from because a lot of modern women, and especially in the West, have this mentality that men want the same things that they want.

They think, oh, a man should want to date me because I'm successful.

Great that you're successful, but that doesn't make a man want to pursue you.

If, you know, if you take two people, two women, one of them looks like Adriana Lima and the other one looks like Mama June.

And Mama June is making six figures and Adriana Lima lookalike is making nothing.

She's working at Cashier McDonald's.

Which one is the man getting a pick?

I mean,

you tell me, right?

So

I pledge the fifth in this one.

That means we know the answer.

No, I'm just joking.

No, you're right.

I don't think you would go for the Mama June.

I know.

We don't want to be mean to Mama June, but I completely agree with you.

And I say that all the time on the podcast.

It's not just about making money, but people see us from the outside in.

It's not like they look at you and say oh you have a great heart you're such a good person the first impression is like the package right it's how we look i wanted to ask you that how do you guys factor those things that are not

like i mean it's not money or or education like i want somebody who is spiritual who is uh inside uh is cultured uh educated and anybody can say hey i read a lot

intangible now yes i understand well when we're talking about high value we have to think about those characteristics on a surface level because a lot of the times they actually do play into those things that you mentioned.

For example,

looking in just at a glance, if we're talking about a high-value man, I define it across four characteristics.

Number one, a man is making at least six figures or more because that's the baseline.

And when we're talking about women who are looking for providers and protectors potentially to raise a family with, you know, if you are not earning a certain amount of money, it doesn't mean you'll never be able to, but it's kind of the barrier to entry.

And if we take that example again, you take two men, one who's making 50K, one who's making 500K, and everything else is the same.

Which one is women going to pick?

It's usually the one who's earning more.

That's number one.

Number two, well-groomed.

Number three, networked.

And number four, verifiable.

But to answer your question, you don't get to that point in life without integrity, without being loyal, without being a good person, because in order to build a network, in order to, you know, go to grow to that kind of wealth level, in order to be someone who's able to hold a career for at least you know three years consistently and consecutively you need to have dedication and those are the soft qualities that we're talking about in general it's true and I also think I don't know if you agree with me certain things you need time you need to get to know the person

because anybody can tell you I'm I'm kind I have a big heart I'm nice but I think the everyday the dating process is what really is going to tell you how they really are do you agree yes I mean I don't want to reduce people for the listeners, you know, to just those qualities, right?

But we're talking about high value.

That's your definition.

I actually trademarked the word high value.

I know, I love that.

I love that.

And I know some people get offended, like when you say, if you're high, you're only going to find a high-value partner if you're high-value.

And I know, because I even read like some people write backlash on your Insta, on mine, whenever we talk about it.

But I agree with you.

It's like if you're completely out of shape and you're like drinking beer, sitting on the couch all day long, you have nothing going on, you can't expect to, you know, match with somebody that, you know, is spending the summer in Europe and has a great job and has every their shit together, right?

I always say there's a fantastic quote.

It's not mine.

I just like to repeat it.

You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are.

So if you are the kind of person who, for example, is into fitness, is into health, is a traveler, you love to see the world, you're going to attract someone who is similar to you in that way because those are the things that you're doing.

If you, for example, are someone who loves to be around family and you go to church every Sunday and you are really big into your community and religion, you're going to attract someone who's in that because those are the things that you're doing.

But this is where the delusion comes in and this is where the reality check needs to be said.

And I get a little bit upset when I see other coaches not saying it.

There are a lot of women in particular, I say more of women than with men, who have been told by society or their close friends and their relatives, you don't have to change a damn thing.

You're perfect.

Oh, yeah.

And you deserve someone who looks like Brad Pitt and is a millionaire and all these things.

And it's like, it's great to dream, but are you bringing enough to the table to command that?

Now, I have a background

in negotiation and conflict resolution.

When we talk about what you bring to the table, we're actually talking about what you bring to the table that the other person would want.

And that's the negotiation.

It's not a transactional thing.

It's supposed to be transformational.

But at the end of the day, you have to offer, if I'm interested in you, you have to offer me something, and I have to offer you something.

We're also a work in progress.

I mean, we are transforming, getting better.

It's not like, oh, I'm perfect, I won't change anything.

That's ridiculous.

I think if somebody told me they're perfect, I think that's a red flag, right?

They say, oh my god, I have no, nothing bad, everything is great, my life is perfect.

To me, that's a red flag.

Yeah, I think it's great to love yourself, but I think part of loving yourself is commitment to self-improvement.

We're always, it's a marathon, not a sprint, and the goalpost goalpost always moves.

You know, you never really arrive.

1 million percent.

Okay, fantastic.

Let's jump into, I want to talk about dating apps because that's like very chaotic, very chaotic conversation.

I think,

and tell me if you agree or not, but people send questions about that all the time, and you can tell me your opinion.

I know you don't do dating apps, but I've done dating apps on and off, on and off, on and off, and I get sick of them.

I go on this men diets, like I don't date for many months because I'm like, I can't handle it.

I think dating apps made dating very

superficial.

I see grown men, and I'm talking about men because I think men do it more like in their 50s, in their 60s.

In the past, they wouldn't behave like that, but like guys in their 50s and 60s got divorced and they say, I want to meet somebody.

But then when they open the dating app, they're like, yes.

And the quantity, the amount of women, they're like, oh, look at me.

All these girls want to date.

They start literally ordering people like DoorDash.

It's a buffet.

I think so.

And I think it just made it so much harder.

Yes, we have the chance of meeting somebody that we would otherwise never meet.

But I think it's like finding a diamond in the sand.

Do you agree?

Well, I do think dating apps, it's all about how you use them.

And for some people, they're really rewarding.

I know a lot of people who have gotten engaged and married because they've met someone.

Right, me too.

But I do think it's made dating a lot more vapid.

And a lot of people have developed this grass is always greener complex where they think, oh, you know what?

I'm looking at someone's profile.

I don't like that they're one inch shorter.

So, whoop.

And, you know, the challenge is we've a lot, we're, I always say we're more interconnected than ever, but we're so disconnected.

And that's the issue with online dating is you don't always, you don't know if you're passing up a great person because you're just going off a picture and a couple, you know lines in their bio.

Whereas you could be in the presence of someone fantastic and be like, wow, this person is great.

I would never swipe on them on a dating app.

And so my advice to people who are single is: I think the stigma of online dating has gone.

You know, back in the day, a lot of people were like, oh, Tinder, bumble, hinge.

Now it's, you know, everyone's on them.

But it's about diversification.

So good, good, be on the apps, but also don't completely depend on them.

Be able to also strike up a conversation with someone at the gym or at a bar if you see someone who interests you and make sure you're always working on those communication skills and those soft skills and body language because when push comes to shove, if you're in the presence of someone who you find attractive, you don't want to pass that out because you're too shy and think, oh, well, I'll just go on the app and find someone.

Most people are.

We were talking about that today because I think most men, when they're not on the dating apps, like in the real world, they're very shy approaching women.

And I did an experiment we were just talking about that last year a friend of mine told me

if you carry like a strange object around it's gonna make them talk to you because they're gonna be curious about it so we did this crazy thing and we started walking all over Beverly Hills like the hottest spots in Beverly Hills carrying a plunger during happy hour okay like two hot chicks on my friend's camera and sure enough all kinds of men stopped talking to each other.

I was going to try that right now.

If you have the balls to carry, I know it's a little too cray-cray, but it worked.

You know, that same day, I started talking to a guy at Wally's, and I gave him my number, and he invited me on a date that same night.

So it worked, yeah.

But I know that's a little too crazy, but I think it's funny that guys are shy in public, and then on the dating apps.

Can I tell you though?

I don't think it's funny.

I think it's sad because what's happened, and I think this is the case for a lot of men, is

with movements like Me Too and feminism.

And I always say, you know, with the good comes the bad.

So it's not necessarily a knock on those movements.

They needed to happen and they provided benefits to a lot of people.

The problem is, when those types of movements evolve, though, sometimes the ripple, the triple-down effect is what we see now with a lot of men in dating is they're afraid to approach women because they don't want to be me too.

They don't want to be labeled a harass or a predator.

Because

I've seen a lot of women though, and I've coached a lot of women, and I'm going to be completely frank.

This is not to blame women entirely.

It's just it does take two to tango.

I have spoken to so many women in confidence and you know they've told me

he didn't respond to my text once you get to the end of the story and the reality is they try to make it seem like he's a predator and they were vulnerable it's like no you are consensual in that right but this is the issue with a lot of men is it's not worth it to them to approach a woman in a person because

If something happens, it's her word against his, right?

And so it's safer sometimes for men to rely on dating apps.

And that's not, you know, a lot of of women get mad when I say that too because they think, oh, you must be one of the buzzwords, you have internalized misogyny.

No, I just have common sense, I speak to men and I speak to women, and I know that there are a lot of men who want to approach women, but they're afraid of the rejection and they're afraid of the label of being a predator.

That is so true.

I completely agree with you.

But now,

a little bit back to the dating apps, because I get this question all the time, and I don't know the answer.

Do you think there's a surefire way to figure out if some guy is there just as a player player or and somebody is there like looking for a serious relationship because most of them and I interview many of my male friends and they tell me they're like we lie we lie we just want to have sex we want to get so we tell the girls whatever they want to hear

I mean it's funny you were saying of course because

we all I mean maybe they are doing the same thing it's like when you go on a first date you're gonna you're not gonna say hey I snore

and I have no money but I mean I'm a nice guy I'm gonna tell you what you want to hear I'm gonna make you feel like oh my god this guy yeah people lie because they have to date we were since we're kids well I think a lot of the times what I've observed is men lie by omission and that's not to say they blatantly lie they won't say oh yeah I'm a CEO and really they're a plumber they'll say they won't tell you the details and they'll leave the details

yes exactly or they'll say oh I'm getting uh

I'm getting a divorce.

And really, it's like,

you know, they're still living with the wife and it's like a separated thing.

But I think as far as your question goes, the way to know and vet out is so many things, right?

You can go off photos.

If someone is, you know, partying a lot, all their pictures are with friends and partying and stuff, you might start to think, is this person just looking for a good time?

I also think though, and you can tell us because you're the man here, I think most men will commit to a woman if it's the right woman for them.

If they feel like this is the best I can do, they'll commit.

Whereas if they feel like a woman is not, frankly, bringing it enough, they will put her in a category of just sex.

Well, actually, yes, but I think guys need to know what is that perfect woman because most guys are not perfect for anybody.

Perfect to them.

Yeah, but that's what I mean.

It's like, I cannot pretend to find the perfect girl if I'm not perfect for whoever's gonna come yet because I'm still going through stuff.

Let's say that guy who's I'm separating but not, I mean, he needs to work on that before even trying to think

somebody.

Also, just this last one.

For me, it's more attractive, a girl, a woman who has a relationship with herself, a successful one, that is attractive to me.

Not somebody who's like, well, I just want to meet somebody because I'm

desperate.

Yeah, there's that.

Desperation is never a good idea, right?

There are a lot of girls who are a little too desperate.

Yeah, I mean, I think it's difficult for women

because women are on different timelines than men, right?

So it depends on the age, of course.

But what I've observed with working with a lot of women who are in their early 30s, especially and 40s too, is

that desperation kicks in because the biological clock starts ticking.

It's really difficult to ignore that.

But it really is so specific to the individual, right?

For the woman who doesn't want kids, maybe that's less of a priority.

Once you reach a certain point, you'll have already gotten children, you know, you might not want more.

So, that's why this is where the coaching component comes in.

As a coach, I tailor my advice to the individual.

Very interesting.

I

want to ask your opinion, so I'm going to tell you, I always tell stories like what happened to me and my friends to make this really organic.

And then I get messages from a lot of people in the same situation.

Last year, I met a guy on Bumble, and I thought, that's it.

That's the guy for me.

We were dating for many, many months.

He was the one that looked me in the eye over and over again, like, I want to date only you.

We are exclusive.

I'm happy with you.

Basically, it was all over my life, you know, meeting my friends.

I don't know if he met you, but he met like, I don't think he met you, but my friends, my clients, you know, everything.

Basically.

He was all over making plans.

I'm like, okay, this guy seems like he really knows what he wants, right?

It was the first time, because I was married for 14 years, dated a bunch of skanks, hence the podcast.

It was the first time I met someone.

I was like, that's the guy.

And all my friends had the same thing.

Wow, he's so certain of what he wants.

How fabulous.

Perfect couple.

Power couple.

You know, when all the boxes match, da-da-da-da-da.

He was still legally married.

He was going through a divorce.

And to me, that was a red flag.

But he looked me in the eyes so many times and told me, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready for this relationship, I'm ready, I'm happy with you.

I believed it, and I let my guard down.

I was invested in the relationship, and months into it, one beautiful day out of the blue, he called me,

which I also want to know your opinion that I think is the most childish freaking thing to do in the world-like, break up someone over the phone.

He literally broke up.

He's like, I changed my mind.

I changed my mind.

I was like, huh?

So, you know, i was like come again yeah no this is not at all okay goodbye

so i was like whoa you know it hit me like a ton because i wasn't in love because we were only dating for a few months but i was invested i always give like one million percent and i don't like anything half-ass so whatever i do i i really do it

after that i told this story a little bit a few months ago dozens of girls sent me the same message like the guy tells you he's ready for relationship, you meet on a dating app, and all of a sudden it's like, oops, I'm still like that

out there.

You know what?

Um, someone told me the other day, uh, and I think it's kind of ballsy, but it's a good tip: is if you are in a situation where a man tells you he's going through a divorce, send me the divorce papers.

Here's my email.

Send me the divorce papers, you know?

That's okay.

It's difficult because when you like someone, you feel like you don't want to ruin it.

You don't want to pressure them.

And your therapist reports.

But here's the thing.

People who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

So if someone's getting divorced, they'll send you papers.

Right, right.

I think in his case,

I know he was getting divorced or he's going to get divorced or whatever.

I think it's the famous thing that I said.

These guys are married for 20, 25 years, they're unhappy.

Then they see themselves single and they meet like the perfect girl that they say they want, but the temptation of being on bumble, bumble, bum, bum, bumble.

Because one day he said to me that he was on bumble to feed his ego.

It made him feel good that all these women want it.

And I'm like, I think that's freaking childish.

That's crazy.

But I know so many women had the same problem that I did.

You believe a guy, you think, okay, he's as ready, as much as I am.

And all of a sudden they're like, oops, not really.

I want to see what's out there.

Yeah.

You know, though.

I see your situation a lot with women.

I also see it with men because I coach men too, where they're like, things were going great.

She ghosted me.

And we live in this society where, like I said, the grass is always greener.

People are always looking for, oh, something better comes along.

And the problem is,

you're never going to reach that kind of joy with someone if you don't grow to get them.

I completely agree.

So you know,

when you meet someone, it's not like, okay, you know, we're...

we're perfect for each other immediately.

It's like you become perfect for each other or something.

You love the flaws as well.

Yeah.

I completely love that.

I think think

I completely.

I think the person that is always looking if the grass is greener is always going to be unhappy.

They can be dating a supermodel.

They're going to think that maybe there is a prettier supermodel around

the corner, right?

Now, what do you think about this?

Break same thing.

A lot of people send me this message.

It's like...

Don't break up over the phone, right?

If you're in a relationship with someone, I think you should be the same balls that you have looking at somebody in the eyes and saying, I like you.

You should be respectful, like sit down for a cup of coffee, whatever, and tell them to their face.

Do you agree?

Or do you think it's okay to break up over the phone?

Well, I'm a dating coach, not a relationship coach.

So I make that distinction.

And I do guide people through their relationships.

Like I have a lot of clients who get in relationships and we still have sessions.

So that's, it's just, I want to make that distinction.

And disclaimer.

I agree that, of course, breaking up in person sometimes feels more respectful.

Situations are so nuanced, though, and I've seen so many dynamics.

For example, if someone is long distance, you're not going to fly across the continent to break up with someone, right?

Which would be nice.

Yeah, that's super flattering.

No, it's like, I mean, you will remember that gentleman.

Totally.

But, you know, realistically, and I just say there's not a one-size-fits-all way to do anything.

I think painting a broad stroke, yes.

But, of course, there are shades of gray.

Yeah.

I like that answer very much.

It's true.

What made you get into this?

It was such an accident.

So I used to work a corporate job at a Fortune 500 company.

It was like food, consumer, packaged goods.

And that was going great.

I had just gotten promoted.

And it was during the pandemic.

I went back to Canada because finally felt like, okay, I could travel for 4th of July back to Canada because I had a long weekend.

And my sister, I have five siblings, all younger than me.

She was telling me about TikTok.

And I was like, oh, TikTok, you know, didn't really think about it in any way.

I know everyone was dancing on it.

And I just kind of thought, let me make the TikTok for fun.

Okay, what to do if a guy goes to you?

That's one of my sisters that's going through a situation.

And I said to my other little sister, how do I post this?

Help me out.

She's like okay, you need to use this hashtag and like make a cool caption.

I was like, okay, you do it.

Posted it.

And it got a bunch of views.

And then people started commenting, Nellie, what do I do in this situation?

Your advice is so great.

So it kind of became my little hobby.

And I started posting.

I loved it.

I started posting like three times a day.

No one really knew about it.

I was still working my corporate job.

And eventually, I was able to turn it into a full-time career.

And I quit my corporate job two years ago and I launched my online business.

So amazing.

Obviously, you have the natural talent for it because I think your advice is like really on point, at least for me.

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Yeah, again, there's not a one-size-fits-all because everyone moves at their own pace.

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it is appropriate to either delete the apps or remove your profile like temporary out of respect for the other person right and if you're dating someone and you find out like let's say four five six months down the line whatever that they're still on the dating app Although you guys are dating exclusively

What do you do?

Is that should that

be a deal breaker?

Well, it again every relationship is different, right?

So some people I'm just gonna throw it out there are in open relationships, right?

Yeah, so it's very difficult, like I said, to put a one-size-fits-all.

But I think if that is a deal breaker for you, then that's a deal breaker for you and people need to understand and listen to their intuition and one thing I want to make note of just something I've noticed with these questions although they're fiery and I like them a lot of them are rooted in worst case scenarios and I think going into dating with a worst case scenario mindset where you're like okay you like you know you need to be deleting the apps on this day or else you know what if he's what if he's still on the apps a lot of that it comes from women typically is based in fear and a state of lack.

And I talk a lot about manifestation and how it's really important if you want to manifest to be in abundance.

So bank on things going right.

Bank on things, you know, have a backup plan for sure and always, you know, be smart about dating.

Don't be super naive.

You know, know how to play the game or the game will play you.

But

don't bank on the worst case scenario because then what happens is when you fixate on it, it actually becomes your reality.

Yeah, I love that.

I love your answers.

We're going to take a two-minute break and when we come back, we have a few more questions.

We're going to talk a little bit about sex.

If there is like the famous question, How long should I wait to have sex with a new person?

I can't wait to hear your opinion.

And I want to talk about matchmaking because we also get a lot of questions about matchmaking.

I want to know your opinion, people that never tried it out.

If it's a good idea, we'll be right back with Nellie from Ask Nelly and Ricardo, Chavez, my friend.

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Okay, we're back with Nelly, and I was saying off-camera, I love, love, love your answers.

I think they're like super important and very honest, which to me is very important.

And thank you for doing this with me, my friend Ricardo, transformational coach.

So we have like a lot of intelligent brains here trying to figure out this crazy, chaotic.

I think dating is exhausting.

That's why, like, I don't do

a lot of it because to me it's just like a shit show.

So before we talk about

the sex date, I want to squeeze one in there.

I am guilty of that.

And I saw you did a video about that the other day.

And I wanted to mention it.

You meet someone and I don't know the expression you use, like if you down, if you dumb down or you change your life, but guilty, like with this boyfriend that I had, I was making myself available, available.

Yes, yes, yes, because I'm a people pleaser.

So I was like, okay, I might as well make this guy happy because we're having such a great relationship.

So every single time he would like, do you want to have dinner?

It's like Tuesday night.

Sure.

Come over to my house on the weekend.

Sure.

Let's go to the beach.

Sure.

Like, I was letting him take the lead.

And in my mind, I was thinking,

He's my guy.

I'm making him feel secure, right?

So why am I not going to say yes, yes, yes?

Backfired because, sure enough, he thought, oh, you know, whatever the hell he thought.

Yes, it's true.

One day, he had the boss to ask me towards the end.

He had the boss to ask me, like, what did you used to do before me on the weekends?

And I was like, huh?

Did he notice how busy I am?

I have like all these businesses going on, dogs, friends,

clients.

I was making myself available to spend time with him and he backfired.

And then you did the video like that, that we we change our lives many times for the relationship and not to do that and i completely agree with you yeah it's interesting i mean in the early stages of dating both individuals have to set the tone right and i think if you for example are very busy on weekends and It doesn't matter what you're doing.

It's just something that's important to you.

And someone comes along who you don't know that well, but you really like them.

And you start saying, you know what?

All those things that are important to me, I'm just going to erase that from my schedule and make my whole day available to them.

The problem is, you're giving that energy off even without realizing it.

And people can sense it when, you know, you're too available.

And what happens is, people in society value what they earn.

So if it's too easy, then why would anybody, you know, and in a sense, I compare it to

if you are

looking for, let's say, an Hermes Birken bag, right?

A lot of women, that's like their dream bag is a Birkin bag.

There's a reason the Hermes store only gives out a certain number a year, right?

Right?

Even if you're a customer, you only get maximum if you're lucky to have eat two of your maximum.

And the reason they do that is a marketing strategy because they know if they go do what Michael Kors did or Louis Vuitton, where you can buy as many as you want, the value of the brand decreases.

So you need to maintain a high-value personal brand.

And I mean, that's one example.

If you're a man and you're watching this, you know, if you go to a car dealership, you know, you can go to Toyota, buy it, you know, any car, how many ever you want.

But if you go to Ferrari, maybe they'll only give you one, right?

Or maybe it's going to be on backboard.

You're going to have to wait two months.

That is such a good analogy.

So, in the same way, with dating, you have to represent yourself like high value, but most people don't see themselves that way.

Most people don't see themselves and treat themselves like a Ferrari or a Birkenbag.

And I know it's materialistic, but

they don't sell themselves short.

In my case, I do see myself as the Birkin and the Fry,

by the way.

I think I'm a prize.

And I learned that.

It was a process for me to get to this point.

I do think I am high-value and I want a high-value partner, but I agree with you.

I just made myself too available because, in my mind, I just want, I'm chill and I just want to make things easier.

And I didn't think like, you know, but I agree with you.

Now I'm thinking, like, if you love, like, if you have a workout class Saturday morning or if whatever it is, if you if you want to do an acting job and you're you're going to be stuck on stuff for 12 hours, you shouldn't give that up to make room for that person.

So then comes another question.

If you keep saying, no, I'm too busy, no, because a lot of people ask me, do you have, like, guys that I talk to, they're like, but do you have time to date?

Because you're so busy, because you have so much going on.

So what's the middle ground?

12-hour communication.

So, no, I'm too busy, period.

No text after, that's rejection.

But if you say, hey, I'm actually, you know, someone says to you, are you free for dinner tonight?

Let's say it's a Friday night.

Even if you are free, if that's a first date or even a second date, you don't want to give them the impression that you're just not doing anything else.

So what I advise in the early stages, once you get to know someone and you're dating seriously, you know, maybe it's different.

But in the early stages,

make sure you're like.

trying to set that standard for yourself.

So you could say, unfortunately, I'm kind of tied up tonight, but I'm free Monday or Tuesday or whatever, right?

Give them other options and maybe two or three because you want to convey to them, I got a pencil you in.

You know,

I have a calendar.

I'm gonna check my calendar and make an appointment for you.

I'm not just open, easy, breezy.

And if that's different, by the way, then a lot of people think that's being high maintenance.

That's not being high maintenance.

That's not being the opposite of easy going.

That's being someone who has self-respect.

Easy going is an example.

Let's say you're on a date with someone and they say, oh, do you like chips and guac?

Yeah, order whatever.

That's easygoing.

You know, oh, do you want to go to this bar or that bar?

I'm easy going.

You pick, right?

That's easygoing.

Easy going is not, yeah, I'm available on the fly.

I'm going to, you know, put everything off.

I love that.

I completely agree.

Do you agree?

Yep, I agree.

And like I said, I made a mistake and hopefully I will not make it again.

And I know a lot of girls make the same mistake.

More women than men.

I think men.

I'm going to tell you one thing, Kat, because you're putting a lot of blame on yourself right now.

It's not necessarily a mistake that you made, because if that was the right man for you, you moving your schedule around would not have been no.

I look, I totally agree, but I think, well, at least in my case, every time something doesn't work out in my life, I try to figure out like what I can do better next time, how I can put myself first next time.

So, I'm not sure if it's blame, but like, I try to learn from it, you know.

Like, I said, yeah, so next time I decide to date someone exclusively, I'm still gonna stick to, and I tell guys that I have certain priorities in my life right now, and I think you're the same.

We were talking about that with your, with, with your fair relationship.

I know you're very proud of you, probably don't want to talk about that, but we have to put ourselves first, and the right person is going to be supportive.

Yeah, embrace that.

And I also think when you feel so

I don't love the word desperate in this case, but when you just feel like I have to move things around, otherwise this person is going to go find someone better, you're sending that energy out into the world

that is lowering your self-perception.

Yeah, no, one minute.

It's human nature.

Yeah.

You want that, that we cannot have that easily.

Yeah.

Yeah, so you kind of, it is a game, right?

Dating is a game.

Yeah, it's a game, and life is a game.

And you can either learn how to play or you can disqualify yourself, but either way, the game is still going on.

The issue that I see people conflating that.

that message is they think, oh, I got to play games in dating.

No, that's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about playing the game.

It's knowing how to date with dignity, knowing how to date with confidence.

It's not playing mind games with someone and manipulating someone.

That's where a lot of people confuse the two.

Yeah, I like that you made that very clear.

Now, the famous question, I don't know if there is a right or a wrong, but maybe you can help us.

Sex with a new partner.

A lot of women think I'm going to withhold it because if I have sex too soon, they're not going to value me.

And a lot of women say you know sorry I swear a lot fuck it I want to see if I have chemistry with a guy I'm gonna do whatever I want to do

and men have different opinions what is yours well I think that all depends what you want out of the situation for example

I mean and everyone's I always go back to it I know I sound like a broken record everyone's different right so for some people I've coached they're hyper religious and they wait until marriage to give up the good but that's like an exception sure but it's important to mention that because those types of couples and relationships exist.

Then, you know, if you are, for example, we're talking about women, men, you know, who are maybe

seasoned daters and they're looking, you know, to find their life partner and they're not ultra-religious,

for your point.

I think if you want something serious with someone, not casual, then

make sure you develop an emotional connection, emotional intimacy, before a physical connection.

If you're a woman, and it's actually scientifically backed, women release oxytocin when they sleep with someone and oxytocin is a bonding hormone it makes you want to see that person more that's why a lot of women when they sleep with someone they catch feelings for men it's the opposite they get post not clarity you know you hit you sleep with a woman you want nothing to do with her after like good i'm good so but if you have emotional connection with them then that's not the case but if you don't know so that's why men can sleep with women and not develop feelings like you know it's like she could get hit by a car Okay, you know, but it's important to develop the emotional connection.

And part of it, too, is also back to the logic we talked about before.

If you're dealing with, if you want a man to commit to you, you have to think about why would he buy the cow if he's getting the milk for free?

You know, if you're making it too easy, think about yourself, like I said, at the Air Med store.

If you can just walk in and, okay, here, buy any of these bags, he's going to think, okay, there's not value here.

But listen, this is a very controversial because I have interviewed and I understand your point and I always wonder about that, but I have interviewed so many men and a lot of them say if you do that, it's gonna backfire.

Well, it's like a bad thing.

Like if they like you, yeah, if they like you and you're like, you know, withholding sex, one of my friends said, like, you're keeping the vagina hostage, like withholding sex, withholding sex.

They're like, I'm gonna go have sex with somebody else.

They're only gonna put up with it for so long.

What I will say to that is there are a lot of people who preach these rules.

Oh, wait three months,

wait four months.

No, I'm talking about having emotional connection.

The example you just gave, you talked about that.

He likes her, they have an emotional connection, you know, and that's the differentiator because you can develop an emotional connection after two or three days.

Right.

You know, you don't need to wait five months.

But if you want to, and it takes that long, okay, it's your life.

No, I agree with you.

I actually had dating experts in the past, one matchmaker that I interviewed many years ago, she literally said that was her rule.

She's like, I tell all my clients, do not have sex for six months.

And I was like, what?

She's like, yes, that's how I met my husband.

It's a horrible idea.

You're never going to have a connection.

And then another matchmaker didn't say six months, but she said, I think three months, 90 days.

So they, yeah, you're right.

They have these rules.

And I kind of think in this case, like, I don't think you can have the same rule for everyone, right?

Because again, like you said, you only a couple knows how long.

on the person and the relationship, and also what stage in life you're in.

I know with a lot of older men, they want to test drive the car and they don't want to wait five months to test drive the car.

And if you're not looking for marriage or whatever, you know, you're just trying to have a life partner, maybe it's different.

But for some people, okay, waiting that long might work.

I would never put a rule on it because everyone's different.

And some people are more sexually liberated than others.

Some people, like, they're comfortable with their bodies.

Some women, you know, I mentioned the oxytocin, but some women, they are able to sleep with someone and not catch feelings because they don't see that man as a potential partner.

Right.

You were going to say something, and I didn't mean to interrupt you, but I was thinking too hard, I guess.

Do you?

But I mean, I'm talking about that.

I'm a different guy.

So I don't know if my feeling counts.

But because I'm very old-fashioned, I'm very romantic, and I'm this weird guy.

So you like to wait?

No, I wouldn't even think about waiting or not waiting because that's making a rule out of something that comes from my soul.

If I find the person that I think is my person, I don't care if it's tonight or in a month, that's not important.

I don't have sex with people just for sex.

Just for sex, yeah.

I don't.

But you are a very rare man.

No, that lies in the middle.

I think with a lot of men, and you tell me if I'm right or wrong here, if a woman is sometimes too quick to give it up, a man might think is she doing this with everyone.

Yeah.

And obviously it depends on the connection of the individual but for a lot of men they think about and I've heard this from several where they think about if she's sleeping with every single guy is this wifey material or is this just a good time so it's also how you you have women especially need to think about what they want and if what they're doing is actually positioning them to get that outcome.

And here's where a lot of women go wrong is they listen to, I mean, I sound like a hypocrite, they listen to other women, but I would say, you know, they listen to women who tell them and they preach all of these

modern philosophies.

Like, you know what?

Like, if a man can sleep around, a woman can sleep around, you can sleep around, but you're not going to feel that great about yourself after.

I know very few women who, after sleeping and, you know, all these different guys on rotation, every night it's a new guy in their bed.

You end up feeling depleted.

For men, they feel empowered.

They feel more masculine.

Not for you, Ricardo.

I don't date.

I mean, I.

I know, but he is very different from most men.

He was somebody I

just met and I knew.

But seriously, though,

it seems like you're in a more mature stage in your life.

Talking about young men, especially, a lot of the times when you're in your early 20s as a man,

right?

So that's a good idea.

But look, I have friends because for some reason, I don't know, I get along really well with men.

more than I get along with women.

So all my best friends are men.

And a lot of them are single and not in their 20s, in their 40s, and they still act like what you just said.

Yeah, it's like a revolving door, and I let, and I'm like, Thank God I'm not dating you, thank God, you're my friend, I love you because I hear the stories, and I'm like, How the and I even joke, like, you have time to wash the sheets, and like, because it's literally a revolving door.

They so they match so many girls on these dating apps, they're having sex with one on Friday, another one Saturday, yeah, another one Tuesday.

Oh, this one is coming.

I'm like, do you even memorize these people's name?

Like, because my body for me is like my temple.

That's because you're a woman and there's a man.

And this is why I think people, this is one of the problems with modern dating is everyone wants to say, oh, we're equal.

Men and women are equal.

We're not equal.

We're different.

We're biologically wired different.

And, you know,

men and women date different.

They have different criteria.

And one of the best case studies of this is if you look at gay men, right?

Gay men are,

they have the most infidelity out of any group of couples in society.

And the reason is because men don't need the emotional connection, right?

Or another example is they're in more open relationships, right?

Women are not wired to spread their seed the way men are.

So that's why, you know, if you look at other types of relationships, women tend to be more monogamous.

And so I do think it's interesting when you parallel it to the LGBT community, you can see how different men and women are when it comes to dating.

Yeah, no, I agree.

It's so true.

Of course, there are some women who are very, very liberal when it comes to sex.

I do have friends like that that they don't want to have a relationship, period.

They just want to have casual sex, but it's usually the exception to the rule, right?

Usually, at least for me, I need and I love to have sex.

I wish I could have it every day as many times a day as possible.

Two, three times a day would be great.

But

I cannot just jump in bed with someone just for sex.

I need like the mental connection.

I'm a major sapiosexual.

I need to feel like I have something.

I don't know if I need to love, I don't need to love them, but I definitely need to feel like there is, you know, something else much more than just the sex.

Well, and I think that your example with those women that you brought up about you know them just wanting to casually have sex to me I when I hear that, I just immediately think insecurity.

Because if you're there's one thing to be sexually liberated and enjoy the act of sex, it's another to want this revolving door of different suitors coming in of your life all the time.

And I think if I mean, you're a man, so maybe you can attest, but when I'm, when the men I've coached, when they think about those types of women, yeah, they'll sleep with them, they'll hook up with them, but they don't think about, oh, this is the kind of woman I would ever date.

And that to me, if you know, women who view themselves as a prize in a temple, they're not letting just anybody, you know, right enter that because there is an exchange of energy that happens when you're married.

Oh my god, yes, and if you bring in random people, that's negative energy that you could be, you know, allowing into your life.

That is so true.

1 million percent.

Oh my god, there's so much more to cover.

Let's hurry, let's hurry, let's hurry.

Do you think most,

and I ask that to all my guests, you can give your opinion too.

Do you think, and that's like a jazz, I say most because I know each person is different but most men are intimidated dating women who are very successful or very powerful or have a lot going on or do you think that's baloney i think it's true and i the studies support that to be honest with you um now there's a couple different ways we can pick that apart.

Number one, it's one thing to be a busy woman with a full life and a successful career, but if you're throwing that in a man's face and making him feel insecure about it, then you as a woman are in your masculine energy and not in your feminine energy, and you're shooting yourself in the foot.

However, studies also show, for example, they did a speed dating event at Columbia University, and they've done a lot of studies at other places, but this one in particular always stands out to me.

Where they had men and women, the men and women had to rank each other on a scale of one to ten, and then also tell, okay, would I go on a second date with them?

And they ranked them on ambition, intelligence, and attractiveness, like appearance.

And what's interesting is for men, they did not mind if a woman had less ambition or equal ambition, but if a woman seemed more ambitious than them,

they did not make them want to go on a second date with her.

And I think there's some truth to that, and I think women inherently know it.

And a lot of women, they try to dumb down their ambition or dumb down their success when in reality, it's about...

No, don't make yourself smaller.

Wait for the right person who matches that or who exceeds you.

And the problem is, this is, is, again, why I mentioned feminism earlier.

With feminism, a lot more women in society, and I think it's fantastic, have become more successful and more career-oriented.

The problem is when they enter relationships, they not only have a lot of masculine energy because you need that to get ahead, but they're in competition with their men.

And they want to make their men, and I've seen this with my coaching, feel smaller.

You know, oh, I make more money than you.

So

if you stay in line, you know, you drive that car, not this car, whatever, right?

And the problem is, if you talk to a man like that, it's going to make him feel emasculated.

And another study that I have to bring up with marriages, if a woman earns more than her husband, they are 50% more likely to get a divorce.

Divorce rates start at 45%.

So 45 plus the 50%.

And he is 300% more likely to cheat on her.

So moral of the story, ladies, if you're watching, this should not be bad news.

I see a lot of women.

I knew it.

No, relax.

Find a man who you respect.

Okay, don't just go for the first guy because the biological clock is ticking like a lot of you do.

Find a guy who you respect and admire and who's on your level or above.

And if you don't, if you feel like you can't find someone who's financially on your level or above, totally fine, but you need to get to work because a lot of you, I'm willing to bet, have neglected the things that make you feminine in the sexual dating marketplace because you think your career is all that.

If you're making 200 grand a year and you want a man who's making 200K or more, but you're out of shape, you are just glued to your computer at home, you're not going out, you're not dressing feminine, you know, you're not doing hobbies.

It's gonna be harder, I'm not saying impossible, but harder.

No, 1 million percent.

It's attractive, a woman who is successful, even more than me.

I mean, that's great, and I will support her and help her to be even more successful.

That's the idea.

But listen, I think you're the exception, at least in my experience.

Because most

nine out of ten men that I don't even they that I talk to, they all say, and my friends are the same, all my single friends who are successful.

They say in the beginning, oh, I love it, I'm going to be so supportive, I think it's amazing,

and then they can't handle it.

It's not necessarily a you issue, though, if you're a man.

What I think the issue is, is if a woman is more successful, and let's say a guy is, let's say he's a bartender, okay, and she's a CEO.

Okay, honey, move into my house.

Okay, I'll buy the groceries.

I'll pay for the gas.

And then he starts to you know need more or he feels an inferior because she's paying for all the vacations he doesn't feel like his contribution she recognizes she he doesn't feel appreciated by her and then she's resentful because she's like I'm paying for everything you enter this dynamic of competition

yeah

maybe he can you know become better because okay I have to look that up now I need to get at that level so what can I do to to be there well sometimes it's not possible actually or not I shouldn't say possible but sometimes that level is actually unattainable.

I had a client, multi-millionaire woman, CEO, sold her business, and she was dating a guy who, I won't say his profession, but he was basically broke, okay?

For him to go from broke at, you know, mid-30s to net worth of 10 million plus is maybe a lot, but if they team up.

Yeah, but then this is where the resentment comes.

This is where the resentment comes in because then the woman feels like, I have to teach you.

I have to, you know, and for women, a lot of the times, Swift A takes two.

Yeah.

You enter this dynamic and it can work, but the point I'm trying to make is if there's too big of a discrepancy financially,

it's different.

Now, this is a caveat when we talk about exceptions to the rules.

There's a woman who I love following.

She's a billionaire.

She invented Spank, Sarah Blakely.

Oh, yeah, I like her too.

She's married, happily, has more kids.

Her husband's not a billionaire.

But

there are a bunch like that.

He's worth like $300 million, right?

So that's, when I'm talking about exceptions to the rule, that's what I'm talking about.

No, there is.

But when we're talking about the discrepancy I mentioned earlier,

yeah, it's tough.

And I think

there are exceptions to the rule.

What's the name of the actress that

started the honest company?

Jessica Alba.

Jessica, yeah.

She's made.

She's a billionaire.

And the husband is like, took the back seat, and we don't know what he does if he really does anything.

So here's an good example.

But it's very rare, right?

Very rare.

I wouldn't say he's a bum.

So, he comes from a good business.

No, he's not a bum because he was a movie something, right?

Movie producer or something.

I know he comes from a good family.

But he totally took the back seat.

He comes from a good family.

He has his own company, which he does socks.

And so, he's at least trying to make his own.

I don't know their relationship, so I wouldn't.

But what I will say is, with things like that, you don't always know.

Maybe he's doing something for her, but I don't know.

But of course, there are exceptions to the rule.

But my point is, the numbers support that those exceptions don't work out a lot of the time.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

I think if there is, if the balance of power is too different,

you're asking for trouble in general.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We only have a few more minutes, but let's squeeze in a few more.

Can you, the matchmaking thing?

Most people out there are intimidated when it comes to working with matchmakers.

They don't know what's going on, how you do it.

Can you like explain a little bit if somebody's interested, how it works?

Well, on my website, nelli sutury.com, I have two options.

You can join my free database

where basically you put your information in, upload some photos, and if I have a client who I think would be a good catch or a good match for you, I'll set you up.

You might get a phone call.

You might not.

It's not a guarantee.

But you keep their name on the database and you take a look when you have a new client.

And then I do formal matchmaking.

So if someone wants to actually hire me as a matchmaker, I have that option as well but you have to apply it's on my website as well for men and women and how do you match like you you interview them you ask like a bunch of questions about what they're looking for in a person yeah there's an application

and to be honest there's also an income requirement to hire me as a matchmaker because I work specifically with high-value singles right

And it's also when I'm thinking about matching people up, I think about what does this person tell me that they want, not necessarily what do I think is good for them.

So a lot of, and that's the problem a lot of match, a lot of matchmakers I've observed have is they say, oh, you should want to be with this kind of person.

Well, they don't.

They want to be, you know, for example, if I have a Jewish client and the client wants to date a Jewish person, I'm not going to pick them,

you know, set them up with someone who's super religious, Christian, or Muslim, not because they don't have things in common, but because that's not what they're looking for, you know?

So, or for example, if a guy comes comes to me and he says okay I'm looking for a woman who doesn't have kids or does have kids you know I have to listen to those things of course and I I love that you said that because I've because I interviewed matchmakers in the past they've tried to match me I was I'm always game I'm like sure you know I'm

for eternal believer in love and I had disastrous experiences like they try to match me with people that I'm like hello that like that we have zero zero zero in common you know and i just laugh because I'm like, and I agree with you, like, you have to do some kind of due diligence.

It's not just match for the sake of it and hope to God, you know, you kind of got to figure out if the two people have something in common, right?

Otherwise, you see the thing there.

I'm not going to say the name out loud, but the matchmaker matched me with this guy that lives in Malibu, and I love Malibu, and I love the beach.

So, we go on one date, we go on the second date, the third date, he's started giving me a pitch of the product that he sells on TV.

If I could please promote his product on my social media and my Instagram, and I'm so basically, he wasn't interested in me like for a date.

He wanted me to work for him for free.

And then I walk out to the parking lot of the restaurant and he gives me the box of this product.

Why do you want to try it?

Well, I will say LA dating is interesting.

Right.

I think it's a shit show.

I've heard.

I actually think Miami was worse.

I don't know.

Human beings

Oh my god.

A few quick questions before I let you go.

Do we splitting bills?

I'm not that modern and it has nothing to do with the money.

I want a gentleman that pays the bill, period.

Do you think in general it's a deal breaker or you think it's okay for guys to split the bill on a first date?

Well, I've interviewed hundreds of people now about this question.

I did all the street interviews.

Yes.

I think the consensus tends to be, and of course I've heard women who say otherwise, so I don't want to paint a broad stroke, but consensus tends to be that on a first date, right,

it is more gentlemanly if the man asks.

But this is the caveat so I'm going to make point of.

This is also why I say to women, don't ask guys out.

Because if you ask a man out and then you expect him to pay, I feel like that's not right.

So if he's asking you out, I think it is traditional courtship for him to pay.

But if you're asking a man out, at least go half.

that's my personal opinion now I'm not saying that's why they don't women should not ask men out though I agree I know I saw you did a video like I would never ask a guy out in one million yeah period I agree yes

you should start

telling it's a cultural thing because when we moved to this country my kids They were they were teenagers and I was like, you're going to pay.

Oh dad, I'm going to go with so-and-so to the movies.

And then he was like, dad, I cannot pay because then she thinks I want to date her that's how it is in here I was like what what yeah so apparently if you pay is because you're interested in her romantically it's not your be the gentleman yeah and that's why it's really important too to set the tone early on because if the man is paying it sets the tone that hey I'm the I'm the masculine one I'm the leader here I view you as a prize and then the woman is more likely to view him romantically but this is where feminism has also indoctrinated a lot of women into thinking equality I'm just as capable and a a lot of women also feel like, oh, if I don't pay, then I have to go home with him.

And what I say to women is, you don't owe anyone anything.

Right.

A date is romantic.

And traditional courtship is actually how you're going to get what you want.

Totally.

No, I'm not.

I'm from Mexico.

I'm old school again.

I always pay.

Yeah.

You're in friends.

Yeah.

Friends.

I think it's like the classy thing to do.

I think it has nothing to do with the price.

And if you can't afford like a super expensive restaurant, even if it's a coffee date,

I want the guy that I'm dating to I mean,

yeah, totally.

100%.

I think I covered almost, oh, they wanted me to ask about the masculine-feminine energy because it's such a huge issue right now, but that's a whole other episode because it's so complicated.

If someone is listening, and we don't want to hurt anybody, but if you're not high-value out there and you want to be high-value, can you give a little pointers like how to go from low-value to high value?

It's different for men and women.

For women, you you know, get disciplined.

Think about what makes you desirable in the sexual dating marketplace.

Don't neglect your appearance.

I know a lot of people want to believe that looks don't matter, but they very much do.

And also, you know, be nurturing, be in your feminine energy.

I have a whole course and system, shameless plug, but you know, I've helped thousands of people through this course and system on how to master your feminine energy.

It's at ask-nelly.co, linked in my bio.

But

it's really important to know how to master your feminine energy and to be feminine visually as well and lead a disciplined life.

For men, you know, think about the characteristic that women find desirable.

I mentioned socioeconomic status and prestige.

What impresses women?

You know, having a stable job, you know, being successful in your field, being someone who has, you know, an attractive appearance.

Doesn't mean you have to have a six-pack.

But if you have a beer belly and you're a slav, women are not going to really want to be a bad person.

I agree.

And a lot of very wealthy guys are like that.

I don't know if they think like, oh, I'm rich and I have to take care of myself, especially in Beverly Hills.

They're like, you know, they're like chubby or out of shape or lazy or not athletic.

And maybe they think they're high value, but I don't think they're high value.

Right, but to me, you're not high value.

I don't care how much money you have in the bank, but if you don't take care of yourself, I think.

It really is about being the full package.

And if you want the full package, you got it.

Like I said, you don't attract what you want, you attract what you are.

But, you know, it isn't a one-size-fits-all.

And it also depends on where you live and, you know, your community, so many different factors and variables.

In Beverly Hills, probably more competitive than it is in Nashville, right?

So it's just about being the best version of you.

Yes.

And a lot of you are listening to people who are placating to you and they're saying, you're perfect, you're perfect, you don't have to change a thing, you can get results you've always gotten.

If it's not working for you, it's probably not all D and D and perfect.

And I'm not saying that you need to change yourself.

We're just talking about self-improvement.

I love it.

You're the best.

Thank you so, so much.

I will most definitely put myself on your database.

I might have someone for you.

So you can keep an eye on this.

I know as we were having this conversation, I was like, maybe.

But I do love you.

And I have to say, I feel very honored, very grateful.

When I saw in your videos that you were going to move here, I was like, I got to grab this chick.

She's one of my.

I like your honesty.

I like how real you are.

Thank you so much for being here.

It's such an honor.

And I hope you come back because I know people are going to see the videos today.

I'm going to publish, drop this episode on Tuesday.

I know I'm going to get hundreds more questions because you tell it like it is.

Thank you so much.

You definitely are doing well.

I think you were born to do that.

She's a natural, right?

Yes.

Amazing.

Thank you.

No, you really are.

And thank you for doing this with me, my dear friend.

And by the way, that's something else we got to talk about too.

He does these amazing transformational coaching sessions, which helped me get to the point that I am at today.

Self-confidence,

putting yourself first, changing the way you look at life.

So, that's a whole other thing that we got to talk about because a lot of people don't know what transformational coach does, but it helps big time.

If you're like self-confidence, you're going to date smarter, you're going to date better.

Love it.

Thank you, guys.

I love you.

You're amazing.

This was a super fun cat on the loose.

Be safe out there.

And I'll be back very soon.

Thank you, Nell.

You hear me?

I was so happy that you moved, Charlie.

Yay!