UK's TOP CELEBRITY DATING COACH JAMES PREECE

Hi guys, happy Friday.

So, on today's episode, I am interviewing UK's top celebrity dating coach and relationship expert James Priest.

I've been following his work for a while on Instagram, and I really, really like his insights because he actually gives you clear direction, like

specific ideas on how to date smarter, how to use dating apps on a more efficient way.

And if you're like me, like most singles out there,

dating can be exhausting.

It can be fun, of course, but it's very time-consuming.

It can be super frustrating.

A lot of phonies out there, a lot of players, etc., etc.

And the reason why I really liked James and I really wanted to interview him is because he tells you, like, look, do A, do B, do C, like really, really clear direction on how it works so i was very excited to talk to him and a little behind the scenes because you guys know my podcast is very organic i we plan to record this episode yesterday thursday because i was dropping it today so i was home my pet sitter didn't show up to pick up my dog phoenix and usually he's really good he sleeps through the podcast while i'm recording but yesterday he was very rattled because the night before we had a small earthquake here in la i think it was his first earthquake, and his paws hurt and he couldn't play.

So, anyways, he instead of napping, he kept barking and barking and barking and interrupting us to the point that I couldn't record.

And I apologized to James.

And he was so kind and so nice.

And he said, no problem at all.

Let's redo it today, Friday.

So I went to the Soho House and I was going to do it at, we have the little podcast.

recording studio there but the weather was so beautiful today in la was literally like a summer day this morning.

The sun was shining, and the Sohouse has such a beautiful balcony.

I had not sat out in the sun in so, so long since last summer that I thought, you know what?

I'm going to treat myself, order a cappuccino, sit out here on the balcony, and actually do my interview out here with James because I deserve a little sunshine and I deserve a little break.

So I know the quality is not studio quality.

I'm well aware of that.

But this is what I am trying to do.

It's real life.

It's organic.

Sometimes it's going to be perfect and sometimes it's not going to be that great.

But to me, what matters is the content of the conversations that I am trying to bring to all of us.

And I do think James is incredibly knowledgeable.

He's been a coach forever and I loved his insights.

I most definitely will apply into my dating life.

And let's see if it brings me different results.

I hope you guys enjoyed the interview.

I hope you have the most amazing weekend.

Be safe out there.

Thank you with all my heart, as always, for listening.

And

here is James

Priest.

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thank you so much with all my heart for sponsoring this fabulous Friday episode hi everyone on this gorgeous gorgeous Friday morning here in LA in the city of angels I am sitting at the Soho house drinking my coffee and I have an extremely special guest all the way from London I'm going to introduce him before we even start talking because as usual I have 10 million questions his name is James Priest

He's a UK's top celebrity dating coach and relationship expert.

Hi, James.

Hi there, how you doing?

I'm doing great.

How are you?

I'm very good.

I'm very jealous of your lucky Sunday.

It's freezing here.

You gotta come to LA.

One day.

It's on my wish list.

You know, there is a joke here that we pay more taxes and we pay more for real estate, but this is why, right?

You see behind me here on Zoom the blue skies and the gorgeous weather.

That's what you're going to pay for.

I'm very jealous.

But I am very honored to have you here because as you know, I have been following your work for quite a while.

You really inspire me.

I love your posts and I know you're extremely knowledgeable.

So let's just jump right on it and let's rock and roll.

Are you game for answering all our questions about this crazy world of dating?

Absolutely.

Just surprise me, whatever questions you've got, Article.

Yeah, so before, for people that don't know your work, can you give us like a little bit of a background about you and how coaching works and how your services work, please?

Of course I can.

Yes, well I've been a dating coach now for over 18 years.

I used to be an actor a long time ago and got into singles events and lots of online dating back when I was single.

And what's happened is over the years I have grown my brand to clients all over the world.

I help single professionals get into relationships and then stay in them.

And I work with countless brands all over the world, dating agencies, dating apps, events companies, helping people put the fun back into dating.

Yeah, so we're going to talk about that putting the fun back into dating because as we were talking yesterday a little bit,

a lot of people like me, a lot of singles like me, they think it's, oh my god, chaotic out there in great, great part because of the dating apps.

I mean, I'm not going to murder the dating apps because yes, it is a great way for busy people to meet someone that they otherwise would never meet.

However, and I want to know your opinion, interestingly enough, because we are also in different countries, very different cultures.

I want to know if it's the same thing in London, because here in the United States, dating apps

started a culture of a lot of crazies out there.

You know, people ordering each other as fast food, a lot of quantity, a lot of availability.

So for people that are actually trying to find a nice serious relationship it can be very chaotic it can be very frustrating so I guess the first question is is it the same thing in London or not

I'm afraid it is very very much so it's the same anywhere that you go

the trouble is these apps are not designed to help you meet somebody that's the sad reality because all the algorithms behind the scenes the idea is they want to keep you on the apps as long as possible being a homeowner it is not a good business model to be a dating app and have successful couples because they're going to leave you, they're going to run away, and never pay you another penny.

So, the problem is, people do not know what they're doing and how to make them work.

They serve their purpose, they're really effective if you know what to do.

But most people just upload the first few pictures they've got on their phone, that's all they've got, add a few lines about themselves, got no clue what to write, and then wonder why it's not working.

But nobody ever said that before, and I think if we would ask the dating apps, they would be like, No way, what are you talking about?

Like, for example, Hinge, I think their little catchphrase is uh designed to get you out of here and then bumble was created by the girl right she used to work for tinder i think they were probably saying no you're crazy we want everybody to be happy um

what would you say to that

they want everyone to be happy yeah they become addicted to staying on the apps that's the whole point

hinge have got the catchphrase designed to be deleted which is lovely but that means that you have to take responsibility yourself they want you to go away but you have to know what you're doing to make it it work funnily enough tinder and hinge and match.com and okay cupid and plenty of fish they're all owned by the same company which they bite up with the competition and they do that so they're all run differently but don't realize it's the same company that they're paying really

yeah and what happens is

no well people go from one app onto the other that's what happens you maybe you've done it yourself the cycle of dating apps where you start off on tinder give it a couple of weeks oh i hate this you delete it go on to bumble the next week delete that get back again, go onto Hinge, and the cycle repeats.

And nothing ever changes.

Have you ever done that before?

Many, many times.

I'm not like a serial dater.

You know, in my case, like, I'll try the dating apps a little bit.

Maybe I meet someone.

Like, my ex-boyfriend, I met him on Bumble.

And I was the typical case.

Like, when I met him, I thought, so that's like the next question as well.

I thought like I was meeting somebody who was very ready for a new relationship.

He seemed like very secure of what he wanted.

La la la la la.

And we dated for quite a few months.

We got really into each other's lives.

I was invested in it.

This was last year

because we were dating for like three months, almost four months, I think.

I don't even remember.

So I was like, because when I date, I date with intention, right?

I want to have a relationship.

So I'm like, okay, I'm going to give this a try.

And four months into it, all of a sudden he was like, oops, I changed my mind.

It's not what I want.

And I had found out he was still on bumble looking around

because I think a lot of people like I said serious mature adults many times high quality adults like my ex-boyfriend maybe they think they're ready for a relationship maybe they think they want to meet somebody but the temptation of the quantity and so many people out there like you know all of a sudden maybe you you are married for like 20 years 15 years you get get divorced and you go on this dating apps like it was his case and you see all these women right oh hi hi all these cute girls it's like massaging your ego so i think for a lot of mature men the temptation is so big that they end up like giving up actually having a relationship and appreciating someone to just oh i just want to be out what's out there for me

yeah that's sadly true And it's true for women as well, quite a lot of the time.

Yeah.

That's the interesting thing.

But what happens is people, men in particular, need the ego beats, like you said, but they want validation that they're still attractive, they're still youthful, and that people find them attractive.

That's all it comes down to.

They enjoy the intention, they enjoy the intention and the attention, they enjoy both of them.

They want to have fun, they want to feel that they're popular.

And there's a paradox of choice on the dating apps, which means the more people you have to choose, the harder it is to make a selection.

That's the problem.

Being overwhelmed with this, it's always about quantity rather than quality on the apps and men have it really really hard as well because there's so many more men on the apps than there are women on tinder there's nine men for every woman on bumble there are eight men for every woman hinge is a bit better so what happens is the the men go on there if they are successful and have a good profile they'll get all the attention so that feeds the ego as well right most men most men don't all the all the leftover men as i call them the ones that aren't so popular because they haven't got good profiles don't get the attention so it tends to be the top 10 of men who are the most popular men who are getting all the dates.

I think 10% of men get 80% of the dates.

That's what it is.

Because, yeah, like I tell you, in my case, like when I go out there, I know I'm very picky, but

usually I swipe 500, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds before I even see one profile that I would even consider communicating with the person.

I don't see the quality there.

So if you, like one of your clients, they say, is there any tips, anything at all for all the the people out there listening that can improve the chances of finding a high quality I know it happens every once in a blue moon I know people that married someone they met on Tinder but is there anything that you suggest are you coach your clients that increases our chances of meeting a high quality person

on the apps or in general the apps on the well let's finish talk about the apps first Yeah, well, the first thing to do is know how to game the algorithms.

People don't even understand there's an algorithm.

I do not.

I didn't even know that that worked like that.

No.

No.

When you first join the app, you are shown lots of profiles for the first couple of days to get you hooked in.

If you are not matching with the most popular profiles or they aren't matching with you, you will get a secret school, a desirability school, an e-learning school, they call it on Tinder, and then your school stays low.

That means you aren't shown to as many attractive popular profiles.

So, let me stop.

I don't mean to interrupt you, but question.

So, if a girl like me that swipes everybody to the left and every once in a blue moon matches one or two, that's really bad.

It's terrible because it doesn't learn what you really want.

All you're doing is swiping the players, really, aren't you?

You're attracting the players by doing that.

But I do appreciate that most profiles that you see of the men look absolutely scary.

They have terrible, miserable profiles, not looking at the camera, not smiling.

hats on, sunglasses, looking absolutely like serial killers.

So I know the reason why women do that.

Men will do the opposite.

Men will probably swipe on 80% of the women.

Yes.

But then it's the scattergunner approach.

They will go bang, bam, bam, bam, bang.

Someone's going to say yes to me.

And because the odds are against them, they may as well make no effort and just swipe for bully.

Which means, in return, they then send proper messages to people.

Because why would they make the effort if no one's going to return?

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So if you want to stand out and you want to get the best attention, make sure your profile is standing out from the competition with good pictures, good profile, and being proactive.

It's a very important unbumble, for example.

Women have to make the first move.

But don't don't just sit back on tinder and hinge either waiting for men to contact you because what's going to happen you'll be overwhelmed very quickly with all the men contacting you that's what they're paying for isn't it yeah they can contact you but that means you it's like going for a job you're going to apply for a job you take into the cv for what you want and then you apply for it you don't just sit back and wait for every job in the world to come to you right you have to delete all the letters that's what it's doing if you're not proactive you're getting overwhelmed and if a decent guy does turn up then what's going to happen he's not going to be able to find you because every woman on there who's decent is going to contact him first and get his attention so you have to be proactive treat it like a like a job search in some ways and then go for it yeah i personally think it's exhausting but also in my case because i know a lot of my girlfriends are the same they are very picky swipers you think it's actually better if we swipe a few more people to increase our chances in the algorithm

sometimes yes don't swipe someone unattractive if you're attracted to them there's something in the profile you don't like still say yes to them occasionally just to get the odds, so it knows what you're attracted to.

Because you're attracted to two things.

You're attracted to the lifestyle and personality and also the looks.

And what it judges you on is both those things.

So you might be saying, this person's not so attractive, this one really is.

Well, this one's really attractive, but I'm going to say no to him because he's an inch too short or he's in the wrong location.

Say yes to the ones that you really are attracted to, but you know they're not really a suitable partner.

That way it knows physically what you're attracted to.

It's really tough.

I mean, I don't know in London, but like I said, I think here, like, and I interviewed a dating expert a few weeks ago.

She said she thinks there are a lot of really, really nice people disguised in really bad profiles because they don't know how to make the profile.

I talked about like how men, God knows why, they put these pictures with fish and some guys put pictures with other crazy animals.

I think it's a huge turn off.

I don't understand why they do it at all.

Then you mentioned to me that

pictures with animals actually get more attention than pictures without animals I cannot ever imagine even wanting to talk to a guy that posts a picture of himself like with a raccoon on his shoulder or an iguana or a fish if it's your cute dog or cat okay but like

these bizarre animals I don't even understand that why do you think so many men don't know how to like just one decent picture you know it doesn't have to be that elaborate.

It's very tricky.

You mentioned that these men are hidden.

I call them diamonds in the rough.

Sometimes you get a really nice guy, high-quality guy, and he has terrible pictures.

And if you contact him, you might just try and luck in.

In real life, he's amazing.

But men do not know

how to take pictures.

Because men aren't going around taking photographs of themselves all day long like women are.

That's the problem.

Men don't know the angles, don't know what to do, they're all selfies.

They don't want to ask their friends to take pictures either.

That's a bit embarrassing, isn't it?

Take my picture for a dating app.

But what you can do, and this is men and women, go and seek out a professional dating dating photographer not a model photographer not a wedding photographer a professional dating photographer there's one I work with a lot I mentioned it yesterday called Hey Saturday they're all over the US all over the UK fantastic I know the angles I know the backgrounds you want to stand out for the right reasons you want to smile in the pictures looking engaging no sunglasses no hats

no no big black coats no scuba diving goggles no jumping out of planes but graffiti behind you or a nice

colour flower simple right and by the way no selfies at the gym like with your shirt.

Oh, look at me, I'm so hot.

I think that's a huge turn off, at least for me.

It is.

It makes you look you're arrogant and full of yourself.

Yes.

I've got a personal trainer I work with, a top personal trainer in absolutely fantastic shape.

Some of my celebrities are in great shape, but they're not topless.

They're not in there posing.

You can tell by their polo top or their jacket that they've got a good body.

And women and men can look good.

And you just leave a little bit of mystery.

That way you're going to want to know what's underneath it.

You're going to work harder to get on that day.

I completely agree.

Now,

let's talk a little bit about the...

I think, and you tell, because I'm not the expert, this is just my personal opinion.

I want to know your expert opinion.

I think the dating apps

created this phenomenon of men that

before, you know, we would meet each other like at a bar or something like when you would meet a person at a bar, you're not talking to that woman and looking at the whole bar like, oh, let me see who else I want to talk to.

You would give the person that attention.

So yeah, we we said that there is too much quantity out there and it's chaotic so now a lot of high quality men like i said maybe my ex-boyfriend very wealthy successful handsome intelligent told me he was ready for a relationship but then he he admitted you know it's really good to get my ego massaged after being married for so long all these girls yeah and it's happening to a lot of men

so they tell you a lot of them that's not what my ex-boyfriend did by the the way, but it happens to a lot of my girlfriends.

They meet a guy on dating apps online and they will tell you, I want a relationship, I want to date.

But the truth is they just want to get you to bed.

And they will tell you anything you want to hear.

to get you to bed.

I know it happens to a lot of women because I get messages every week.

It happens to my girlfriends.

And I have interviewed male friends and they tell me, yes, it's true.

We will tell women whatever it is that they want to hear because we want to have sex.

Is there any ways to spot these guys from

the men that really really want a relationship or there is no way?

Well the first thing I think to do to eliminate some of these people is to have a quick phone call with them right at the start.

It doesn't eliminate everybody but a lot of these men who are just on there for time wasting or trying to get a quick win won't put the effort into this.

You can eliminate them.

So always a 10 minute phone call, not a date replacement, just a 10 minute call.

But it does not eliminate everybody because a player is a player.

They know the game.

They know they've got to win you and seduce you.

And that's part of the game in itself.

What you need to do is take your time with them.

If someone is rushing you into bed, rushing you to go on the date, rushing you to do anything, you say to them, I'm really enjoying your company, but I'm not ready for that yet.

And if a man likes you and wants to work and wants to take the time, they will slow down and they will respect it.

A player will get balled very quickly.

Initially, they like the excitement, but if they realize it's not going to get anywhere, then they're going to give up very quickly as well.

But that is very true.

And a lot of men are also, their attachment style is just avoidant or anxious.

So they say they want something and they end up love bombing you, and it doesn't work out.

They accelerate things too quickly.

And I don't believe they're all narcissists.

That's a bit of a myth in this industry.

Everyone's a narcissist.

There can't be that many narcissists, surely.

So, what happens is everyone believes that.

These are men that go with it.

They believe in that moment that they're in love with somebody and they want the relationship.

And when it comes down to it, hang on a minute, my mouth is

written checks that my body can't cash.

That's it.

Yeah, they're not ready yet.

Yeah, it has.

They're not ready.

they're not emotionally ready.

And you mentioned something to me when we were talking yesterday that I never thought about it before, but I agree.

Like, sometimes these guys think, oh, it's so nice to have all this quantity of women out there.

I want to, like, date them or get their attention.

But in the end, it doesn't mean like they're the right women for them.

It's just a phase that they're going through, right?

Because,

like you said, I think you use the word validation.

It's validation for a lot of guys to get all this attention it doesn't necessarily mean these women are our good partners or anything right

no because they're often getting validation from younger women that's what they want it from yeah young attractive women who they couldn't have 20 years ago so what makes them gonna have them now I don't know but occasionally women will do this they will date them they'll spend time with them because it's an exchange in return for money or for be having a nice life and it's been taken out and that's the reality but But it's true of younger men as well.

Younger men will date older women for the experience, for the fun, for the nice life and to have it easy i'm not saying for a second there aren't genuine guys of any ages and women out there who don't want doesn't work out for but really if someone's too good to be true anywhere then you probably wonder why that might be it probably is yeah the number one complaint here in the united states from men

and you tell me if it's the same in in in england is that most women when they start talking to them even before they meet they are they're asking for money and material things You know, like, oh, I don't have a job.

Oh, oh, get me an airplane ticket to come visit you.

Oh, I'm so pretty.

Don't I deserve this?

Don't I deserve that?

And guys, like high-quality guys get really, really annoyed by that.

Do you think it's the same problem everywhere?

And is there a way for high-quality men to spot the women that are after them just for money from the girls that are actually high-quality relationship girls?

Yes, it does happen everywhere.

I don't think it's quite as prevalent as common as with my own clients because my clients are all people who are quite successful and have money and good lifestyles.

So they're not maybe on the same apps and they keep it the same way.

So the dating pool can vary wherever you might be.

But yes, it is a common problem because women can easily massage a guy's ego and talk him into anything.

And it does work the other way.

Men can do that to women as well.

There are common men out there who do the same thing.

But if you're looking to

work out if someone's serious or not, see what kind of priority you are over time.

Do they make time for you?

Or are they always unavailable?

Are they out partying?

Are they out seeing their friends?

And you're always cancelling on you.

How are they treating you?

Is it with respect?

If it's not with respect, they're probably in it for the wrong reasons.

If they make you feel amazing in between dates as well, by regular contact, by texting, your phone call, then maybe they're serious.

Maybe it's worthwhile.

But nobody is ever going to ask you for money.

unless they're a scammer or they're in it for the wrong reasons.

So

don't pay anybody any money.

I know.

I always say that, and

we talked a little bit about the Tinder Swindler.

When I heard the story, and I don't want to be mean because, of course, I'm a woman and I'm a girl's girl, but when I saw the story, I was like, What were these women thinking?

Like, seriously, why in the world would you part with your money with a guy that you barely know that is calling you from God knows where, bullshitting you?

And so, I cannot really feel sorry for them I mean I do because I don't think anybody deserves to be scammed but it's kind of like seriously right how does anybody fall for that

because we all want the dream the fantasy we all want to believe that someone's gonna sweep us off our feet and escape this boring life that we're in that's not me that's generalization I've got an amazing life but they think do you know what they want to find Prince Charming and he convinces them that he's their Prince Charming they're the most important person in the world and they're gonna feel special and over time they do start to spot some some little red flags going on.

There's some warning signals.

But they think, you know what, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because I want this so much and I've really committed this far into the adventure.

So do you know what?

If you want some money or give it to him, at least we can prolong it and keep the attention going that I really need.

Because once you get that attention, once it goes away, you just crave it and become addicted to it.

I think it's heartbreaking, but this is what I do.

And you tell me if it's too much.

Like on my dating profile,

I'm very clear.

I tell them exactly what I want.

And then when I'm communicating, I give them my cell phone.

If it's somebody that I really want to meet, I give them my cell phone and they text me.

And if even if they invite me on a date or something, I really want to do a phone call, but now I want to do a video call.

I actually want to see the person, but I also do my due diligence.

Like, I want to know their name, I want to know where they work, I Google them, I look at their LinkedIn, I don't care.

And if they don't like it that I do all of that, to me, it's a red flag.

Do you think it's too much like to do all of that before you meet the person or do you think it's completely acceptable?

It depends on the situation.

I think you can shortcut this by just going to a phone call.

It's interesting.

A lot of women don't want to do video calls.

The reason for that is women have to do their hair and makeup or to do video calls and to feel special.

If it's in the evening, maybe

they're finished from work.

They don't want to do that.

Men aren't used to talking on the phone so much.

The good thing is about the pandemic, we're all talking on the camera much more.

So people are used to talking on video calls, which is great.

But I think there's no need to be texting anybody off the dating app.

If you're going to give their number to you, then speak to them on the telephone, just a 10-minute call.

But what you're doing, it sounds to me, you're doing background checks, you are checking out on the video.

I don't do background checks, but I want to know who the person is because I think if they don't tell you

because I tell everybody, like, I don't have any secrets.

I think if they don't tell you, like, their last name or where they work, anything, to me, it's a red flag because why wouldn't you?

That's right.

I had a client the other day, and she was talking to somebody.

They arranged the first date.

He said, I want to speak on the telephone.

And he said, No, I won't give you my number until we've met.

Yeah.

And I said, What do you mean?

I said, Why not?

What's he hiding?

He must be married in a relationship.

He wants her to feel secure and safe, surely.

He didn't want to do that.

So that's a red flag.

But prying too much, you've got to leave something for the imagination.

And the reason for this is it sounds to me you're getting too invested in that person to start with.

And you shouldn't really care.

It's just an option for you.

You should have lots of options.

There's no point doing this.

When When you've met somebody, then you can start digging into it and you've realized, you know what?

I do quite like them.

Then you can do this.

But all this researching and LinkedIn and checking things out, that's what a matchmaker does.

And they're a great service as well.

I work with lots of different matchmaking agencies all over the world.

They can be really expensive, but they do this work for you.

And if anyone's signing up to this, they're spending any sort of money, whether it's £500 or $50,000, then at least they're going to be serious about this.

And we're not going to be great.

Here in the United States, most, like all the luxury matchmakers are crazy expensive.

I've interviewed several of them and a lot of them did try to match me.

It was a complete disaster.

I didn't think they were putting thought into it.

They like just saw a guy, like one of their clients, because they care, the men pay, right?

And the women are on the database, at least here.

Not in this country.

No,

everybody pays.

Yeah, so no, in the United States, like the client pays, like the man.

It can be the woman too, but like let's say in my case.

It's usually the the man isn't it yeah so they have a database of women so they just have to find dates for this client because this client is paying thirty thousand dollars forty thousand dollars so in my case they kept like sending me these profiles of men that had like zero like you know zero like to do with me so i felt like they weren't really putting much thought into it and i actually that was a long time ago i i think i went on two three dates from matchmakers and finally like i said i i started videoing it before I meet the person because it's a lot of, it's time-consuming, right, to keep going on all these dates with somebody that you have absolutely nothing in common with.

Absolutely right there.

But what you're referring to is the passive database.

In America, you have the maintenance, there's a passive database for non-paying people.

And in this country, we have everyone pays, but there are still passive databases, people that have been headhunted, people that maybe these contracts have expired.

But passive members will never get anywhere because like dating sites, you're being matched on the requirement to the paying member So if there's two paying members together They get together and that's what best thing they can possibly have as a result for a matchmaker because they both paid all the thousands of pounds They're quite happy ever after and it can work But being passive in anything is never gonna get you results

Yeah, so no, I completely agree.

I love that being passive is not gonna get you results.

That's why so I don't pay for a matchmaker first of all because the prices here are absurd but I have this approach and you're probably gonna think I'm wrong on that one too but I wanna know know.

Even the dating apps, I don't wanna pay for the dating apps.

Why?

Because I want to meet a partner, and all my girlfriends are the same.

The men are paying.

But us women, I feel like I'm not desperate.

I'm not in a hurry.

I go through the dating apps like casually to see who's out there.

You know, I'm open to meeting the right partner.

But I don't want to, like, I feel something weird about, like, why am I going to pay to meet a partner?

It sounds a little desperate for me and a lot of women.

Do you agree with us or not?

Not at all.

Not on this one, I'm afraid.

I completely disagree.

You knew I was going to say that, didn't you?

But I want you to say it because I know a lot of my girlfriends and women all over the world are like me because I get messages every week.

So we definitely need your point of view.

Convince us that we should pay for a dating app.

I will convince you straight away because

like I said just now, if you are not paying, you're not in control.

If you're paying on hinge, you can say $30 a month if it's gone up in price a little bit now actually then at least you can then put the preferences into this you can search for the ones that you like and then you can take control and it's showing that you're serious and it's not a big investment you might go to the gym for example but you pay for a personal trainer a little bit of extra help along the way if you aren't doing that you're going to miss out on opportunities and all you're doing by paying for an app is to create an opportunity and they're not expensive it's not you're walking up to guys and just asking them out you're not doing that this is that that's not the right thing to do but it's like saying to some guys technically, we are, right?

If we don't initiate the conversation, we cannot match the person.

No, but you might walk into a bar and start a conversation or wink at someone, and then it's okay to come and approach you.

That's what you're doing, isn't it?

It's the same sort of thing.

Men don't know how to approach women nowadays.

I don't approach guys at a bar, should we?

I agree, I agree.

You don't approach them, but you sit down and let them know, give them the eye contact.

Yeah, I do.

Yeah, it's the same thing.

It's the same sort of thing.

It's safe to come and talk to you.

Because otherwise, they can get nervous by that.

Let me ask you this question before I forget, because we're talking about the dating apps, but a lot of experts they say, you know, the famous like theory, men are hunters, men want to do the hunting, they are the ones that need to invite you out, they are the ones they need to approach, they are the most men, that's what they want.

And I am the kind of girl I want a Taipei guy.

I want the man to approach me, to you know, try to date me, to plan the date.

I feel like if I have to do the work, I'm not interested.

Do you think that's the truth?

Like the men usually are the hunters?

Absolutely true, yes.

But this is the difference.

All you're doing is letting that guy know that you're available and you're open to a conversation.

That's all you're doing.

Because men don't know what to do nowadays.

If you're in a group of women, how do they approach you?

They get rejected by you, they get rejected by the group.

If you're sat in a coffee shop looking at a phone, how do they open up for a conversation?

They don't.

All you're doing is making it easy for them to come up to you and start a conversation.

That's all you're doing, making it completely acceptable.

Otherwise, how do they do that?

They're not going going to do it.

And since the Me Too movement, as well, men are completely confused about what's appropriate and how to start conversations, and they're even scared of being rejected more than ever.

That's so true.

Yeah, so you have to let them know it's safe and you're open to a conversation.

Because what's better to smile at someone, you can't just say hello to you, or just random people to come and say hello to you, or to sit there, sunglasses on, looking at your phone.

It's not going to work.

I completely agree with you.

Like, I am very flirty by nature.

So, yeah, every time I'm out, I'm like smiling.

I have a very, very easy time like meeting new people I'm constantly meeting new people so yeah for me it's not that hard but I know for a lot of girls is so these are very good tips but going back a little bit so let's say you convinced us we say all right we're gonna go back to bumble and pay but can you explain because I know a lot of girls I'm sorry I'm very in ignorant about the dating apps what does what difference does it make they're gonna show you more quality people because you paid them what changes once you paid what What changes?

You get filters.

Bumble have actually over the last couple of years increased the amount of filters but you've got to pay for them.

So for example if you want someone of a certain religious background or you want somebody who is educated or someone that's this or that or hobbies you can search on it and you can narrow down what you want.

So it isn't so much just everyone on the whole app and then you can restrict who contacts you and you're not doing you're not you might see more profiles that are better quality.

Eventually on Bumble you will see everybody.

You'll run out of people eventually.

That's the funny thing.

But you're just doing that.

Maybe not.

LA is

pretty big.

Yeah, but that, well, yeah, maybe they start showing you like a few miles farther away.

But yeah, the dating pool here is pretty big.

But I'm not going to say it's good quality.

And now I'm wondering if maybe that's why, because of all these things you said, we are not paying for it.

I'm not paying for it.

I'm doing everything wrong with the algorithms.

That's probably

don't get good results.

you're not making the effort in the way you think you should that's the that's the thing and you're putting the pressure too much on these guys to do all the work completely and guys it's normal guys are a bit stupid sometimes guys don't really know what to do but guys like that believe it or not

guys like guys like to check absolutely yes they do that's a really important thing guys are hunters they will go for something they want and they will try and accelerate things as quickly as they can getting you on the and the first thing getting you into bed as fast as they can true well that's the players right the players want to get you to bed as fast as you can.

They do.

We're talking about long-term relationships.

That's what I do.

That's what I teach people.

I don't teach people how to do that in quick hookups.

I teach the long strategy, which is the long game.

And to do the long game, you've got to take charge.

You've got to pay for the app.

At least you can be shown to more people as well.

Because paying members get shown above random people.

Keep that in mind.

You get a boost on there so you can be boosted to be seen.

And for women,

you convinced me.

It's the first time anybody ever convinced me to do that because i'm not kidding my ex-boyfriend that i'm i keep mentioning him because we met on bumble and when we met he said to me he said i am a very busy man he's a very busy successful executive so he said yeah of course i'm paying because they're going to show me better better high quality people but i thought for women it didn't make a difference but today you convinced me that it does make a difference There is.

There's one more thing I want to say about this, and that is some of these apps, like Tinder, has got the Super Like feature, and hinge has got the rose feature where you can pay extra to get your message promoted or to do the rose women don't do that at all please don't do that that's that's too needy that's too much the other way i never you should not be paying yeah and i know you hinge is your favorite i never went on a date out of hinge i don't know why the men hinge matches me with are crazy bizarre like men that i would never date

And it doesn't work for me.

Do you think it's also because I'm not paying?

Absolutely.

Yes.

Hinge is definitely the one that wants you to pay more than anybody else.

Because I get

dozens of messages like, oh, well, you're a perfect match with this guy.

You're a perfect match.

And I look at the things, I'm like, are you guys serious?

They make me feel they know nothing about me the way they match me.

But they don't know about you because you're not paying and not doing it properly.

If you're not being proactive, how do they know who you are, what you're looking for?

They don't know.

Because it's there, right?

They ask all the questions, the prompts.

It doesn't mean anything.

They don't match you on the prompts.

The prompts have nothing to do with the uncomfortable.

If you filled it in, it helps over not filling it in of course but the reality is you go on there and if they really wanted to these apps if they really really wanted to for the right reasons they could make you interact with people better and they can teach you over a couple of weeks and learn your most compatible partner and they really could do that and they would force you to do that you find your soulmate but as i mentioned that's a terrible business model they wouldn't survive as an app so that'd be terrible i'm sure i saw a program on netflix about this a drama how they find you love your life and that happened really strangely people were using it who were in marriages and they were still finding that the perfect match was somebody else.

Very, very good series.

I forgot what it's called, like the one or something like that.

But in this situation, if you're not engaging with it in the right way, you're not paying, it's not going to be promoting you.

It's like the passive members again in the databases or the agencies, they work people that are paying.

And if you're popular,

something you said to me, it does, something you said to me just now, you're getting hundreds of people contacting you.

Yes,

it's irrelevant because

they're not right for you.

You go for what you want, and that way you're in charge.

Just being swiping away, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.

That's frustrating.

That's time wasting.

That's such a good point.

The way I see dating apps, it's like finding a diamond in the sand.

I think it's like playing the lottery almost because there's like, oh, yeah, hundreds of thousands of singles in any given city.

I think I'm a high-quality woman.

I'm the diamond.

And I want to find that other diamond.

So it's almost like, you know, impossible.

Like I said, it's almost like winning the lottery.

That's why I think they're never going to run out of business because there's like a notion of people there.

They're always going to be swiping.

There's always going to be the players.

There's always going to be the crazies.

And once in a while, the right person is going to find the other right person.

But it's a numbers game, right?

It's tough.

It's a game you've got to play.

That's the thing.

You're not playing it the right way.

Dating ultimately is a game.

It's a game where you're with each other.

And I call people on there, I say it's a needle in a haystack.

That's what we say over here.

Do you say that's a phrase as well?

A needle in a haystack.

I say I'm the magnet to get that needle out.

That's why I am as a dating coach to help people to know what they need to do to get their magnet and make it faster.

I do appreciate you could be overwhelmed with people, but they do work.

If they didn't work, nobody would ever use them.

So, you've got to use them the right way.

I like I said, I'm excited because today's Friday.

Usually, I take like this crazy long breaks from the dating apps because I have no patience and no time.

But I'm going to give it a whirl.

I'm going to decide if I'm going to pay for Bumbo or Hinge or both.

And then maybe I'll have you back like after a month or two and we'll see how it worked and I'm gonna

convince some of my girlfriends to do the same and then we can come back and compare experiences

let me give you one more tip then very quickly if you're gonna do that if you want to beat the algorithms you've had your profile for a while what you need to do is completely delete it from the account itself and then delete from your phone.

And Tinder it takes three months to do a reset.

On Bumble and Hinge, it takes two weeks.

So delete everything and then start again in two weeks' time.

But don't delete them all.

If you're enjoying it, stick on one.

But if you want to regame it and do it the best way, the best choices, do the whole reset with good pictures, good profile.

All over again, because when I broke, my boyfriend and I we broke up the end of September, I deleted, I didn't have my dating apps because I had deleted them for him.

So I started all over again just now, very recently, like I think maybe in December or something.

So it's been like maybe a month.

Should I still delete it and start over?

Yes, because you haven't been using them the right way.

Okay, so any girl like me out there listening, if you girls want to try it again and reset the algorithm, delete everything and start fresh.

And don't pay for at least two or three days after that if you're going to pay.

Give the apps a chance to learn about you and to gain the algorithm.

Otherwise, we're just not going to work the same way.

Okay, well, I'll definitely try all of that.

Before I go, very, very good insights, very, very on point.

Because a lot of people talk about dating, ah, but they don't give like specific instructions.

I love you that you give very specific instructions, that's what we need.

That's what I tell you.

That's what we're doing this 18 years.

The thing is, before I let you go, let me ask you a question that I ask almost all my guests, and it's very controversial because half of the guests think one way and the other half the other.

Do you think most men, and I'm saying most because when I ask this question, I get hundreds of messages from guys telling me it's not their case, most men are intimidated by women who are successful with thriving careers, that make good money, that have public jobs like mine, or this all below.

All my clients are highly successful people from different backgrounds, men and women.

And yes, a lot of them complain to me, with me in particular, that men get intimidated by their success.

It's the power balance issue.

Now, there's two things to say about this.

First of all, if someone's intimidated by you and can't keep up with you and feels threatened, good, get rid of them, get them out of your life, you've eliminated them from your inquiries, there is no future for them.

And secondly, some women are very masculine because they have to be masculine at work, and that can put men off and be intimidating in a different way altogether.

But generally, if someone's intimidated by you, why should you feel threatened?

Be proud of who you are, don't gum yourself down, embrace it fully and go out for what you want.

The right man will be attracted to that.

I completely agree.

I think the right partner will not be intimidated, will be proud of your work and stand by your side.

So, you think most men are

three-quarters of men, I would say.

This is most men, isn't it?

Technically, I'll give you some stats.

Three quarters.

73.2% of men.

Three quarters.

Oh my God.

You are absolutely awesome.

Thank you so much.

For people that want to find you, you do coaching sessions, dating coaching sessions one-on-one, right?

You have clients all over the world.

Your Instagram is James Priest Coach.

So people can like send you a message and you like all this coaching that you're doing here for us, you can do it like on a one-on-one basis and help and guide people.

That's what I do.

I help people in so many different things, dating app profiles, confidence, where to meet people, flirting, all these sort of things.

You can contact me on James Priest Coach, Instagram.

Find me on the website, jamespriest.com.

Yeah, or listen to my Love Machine podcast, which you're going to come on very soon.

Yes, my God, thank you.

It will be an honor.

I was listening to a little bit of it and I love it.

I love your style.

I think you're very straightforward.

And most importantly, you're very, very knowledgeable because a lot of people say they're dating coaches but they don't know how to coach you you actually tell people like step by step by step by step so I'm assuming most of your clients end up in very successful relationships right they do but that's not how I measure success I measure success someone whose life has changed for the best yeah they feel empowered and more confident yes no everybody wants a long-term relationship they want to just go out and be more be happier have better life and that's why I help people with that's the funny thing with me because I was married for so long and I was like in

an abusive relationship and my husband didn't like me to work, he didn't like me to do so many things.

And now that I'm single, I do want to be in a relationship again, but I'm not in a hurry because I love my life and my independence and my projects.

So I think that's one reason why I'm totally taking my time to finding the right partner.

I want somebody to complement my life, but I think it's a good idea to not be like desperate.

There's a big difference between wanting a partner and being needy, right?

Desperate for a partner.

Do you agree?

I think that's really important.

Very much so.

People don't need someone to complete them or to find their other half.

They need someone who's going to complement them and just new adventures together.

That's what it's about.

So take your time, but don't take too much time.

No, like I said, yeah, if somebody came on like today, I met the right person, I would be really happy.

It was kind of the case with the boyfriend I met on Bombay.

I thought, thought, okay, we're perfect for each other.

What an amazing power cup.

Oh, we look so good together.

La la la la la.

Unfortunately, he wasn't ready for it.

So after that, you know, you get gun shy a little bit, right?

But yeah,

I think I'm going to listen to all your insights and put myself a little bit more out there because I definitely agree with you.

I think we're going to see better results if we listen to an expert, for sure.

Thank you.

I hope that's thank you so, so much.

You're amazing.

And I'm going to invite you back so we can compare the results.

That would be great.

I'm looking forward to doing that.

And I'll speak to you again very soon.

Thank you for having me.

Through your hole for some time.

I have a wonderful weekend, and you guys enjoy.

We can be safe out there.

Thank you.

Before I let you guys go, a big shout out to Heart of Hollywood magazine.

The February issue came out.

I am proudly on the cover.

I adore this magazine.

It is packed with great, high-quality articles, bloggers.

The writers are such qualified people with a ton of experience.

Very, very, very interesting content.

It's the work of so many talented people.

And the publisher and founder, Giovanna Salazar, actually allowed me to transform this podcast into a blog.

Every Tuesdays, I publish in the digital magazine about sex, dating, and relationships.

It's a lot of fun.

So, I recommend you guys check it out if you want to know information about Hollywood, about the industry, how to break into acting, modeling.

There's fashion blogs, there's lifestyle, a little bit of everything.

It's super, super cool.

Thank you so much, Heart of Hollywood Magazine, for believing in my work and for putting me on the cover of your fabulous publication.

We are going to be celebrating the new issue on February 23rd with a private event for VIP guests, our sponsors and friends, on the 23rd of February at Better Than Sex Restaurant in West Hollywood.

So, if you guys are listening and you're in the area and you are interested in attending, send Heart of Hollywood magazine an email to see if you make it to the guest list, and I'll see you guys there.