WRAPPING 2022 WITH DATING COACH AMY NOBILE

Oh,

the last episode of 2022.

I cannot believe we got here.

40 episodes in one year.

It doesn't sound like a lot, but it was a lot.

A ton of work, but so, so much fun.

So, before I even start today's episode, I want to thank all of my guests.

I want to thank each and every single one of you guys for listening, for participating, for sending me feedback.

It means the world to me.

And if you are enjoying the podcast, if you take anything from our conversations, if you're dating smarter, if you're having better sex, if you're happy with your partners, if you feel like it's giving you confidence in these areas, I feel like I'm doing my job.

And please keep sending messages because this is 100%

an open conversation.

keep repeating that I am not an expert.

I am not an expert.

I don't think I will ever be an expert in sex, dating or relationships.

I am just a woman trying to learn.

And I learned a lot from my mistakes.

I learned a lot through all of these conversations.

And hopefully, we get better and better at dating the right people and finding love.

Don't ever give up.

If you are in love, if you are in a great relationship, fantastic.

If you are not, and somebody broke your heart, I guess this is my ear-end message.

Pick up the pieces and get up, get going, and the right person will find you.

But I think please, please, please don't ever, ever, ever think in general, oh, all men are assholes, or our women are whores, or he's going to cheat on me again, she's going to cheat on me again.

Please keep going, please keep believing, because I think the ultimate gift in this life is to find a partner, to find someone who loves us through thick and thin.

And hopefully, I will find mine.

Although, I have to say that I had some amazing experiences this year, I had a really, really special relationship to me.

As much as it didn't work out, it felt incredible to actually meet somebody that I wanted to be in a relationship with.

I think it was the first time since Anthony, my husband died in 2018 that I actually said, yes, I am in a relationship.

And it felt really, really right.

So as much as

it didn't work out after the short four months that we were together, Like I said, there is no reason in holding resentment.

There is no reason in holding anything bad inside.

It just sucks our energies dry.

I like keeping the wonderful memories that I had with this person together and learning from all my mistakes.

So, hopefully, we are going to be better and stronger in 2013.

I wish all of you guys an amazing, amazing year ahead.

And I am doing this episode with no sponsors, no sponsors.

It's like just a little gift for me to you to end the year with a bang.

I met Amy, this lady that I'm interviewing today at the Soho House.

She was actually doing like this little masterclass about dating and how to create better profiles on dating apps.

And I said, you know what, I'm going to go there and listen to her.

And I went and I thought she was adorable because she's super sweet and she's super calm and collected.

And she gives some incredible insights, great ideas about how to make your profiles better.

She actually met her fiancé on Bumble.

She's the third person I interviewed.

Patty Stanger, the millionaire matchmaker, is dating her boyfriend that she met on Tinder.

My in-house love coach that you guys probably know, Nicole Moore, met her husband on Tinder.

And now, Amy,

after going through a nasty divorce, met her fiancé on Bumble.

Meaning, there are great people out there on dating apps that actually do want a loving adult relationship.

So don't give up on dating apps completely either, even if you did have bad experiences, because there is hope out there.

I hope you guys enjoyed this episode.

And I will see you soon again, because I'm going to get season six going really, really soon in sometime in January.

Season six, and we are now a part of one of the fastest podcasting networks in the world, Latina Podcasters Network.

And I am very humble and very proud and very honored that they included me.

Thank you, Rita Batista, founder of Latina Podcasters Network, for believing in my work and for including Carolyn DeLuz.

I'm getting a little emotional because I'm a melted butter.

I guess when the year ends, like, I don't know about you guys, but I feel exhausted.

I feel super happy with the result of my work, but I feel like, oh my God, I just need like a couple of days doing nothing and just chilling and drinking wine and enjoying.

But happy new year!

I love you guys so much.

Don't forget to go after your dreams.

Go after love and go after your dreams and do what you love because I think that's what brings fantastic results.

Sending much, much, much, much love your way.

And I'll see you in 2023.

Now, here is Amy with a really fun episode.

I hope you guys enjoy it.

Okay,

so we got here.

This is the last episode of the year for Canandaluza and I have to do it special with a super special guest.

Let me introduce her.

First of all, Amy,

I don't know if I'm gonna say this right, noble, noble, noble, nobly.

That's very fancy, Amy Noble.

She's a dating coach.

Hi, Amy.

Hi, so happy to be here.

I almost lost you because I messed up the time.

I thought it was Pacific time.

You thought it was Eastern.

And thank you so much for doing this like in a hurry for us.

But I wanted to make sure we squeeze you in before we close this insanely busy, fun year.

Yeah, what a year, right?

What a year.

So, I met you, I saw that you were gonna talk about dating and dating profiles at the Soho house, and I was like, I gotta go there and figure out if she's doing anything different from everybody else because I'm always trying to learn how to date smarter.

And I have to say, before I ask you any questions, I fell in love with your work mostly because I love how you make it chill and peaceful.

Yeah, that's very sweet of you to say.

I do kind of bring a lot of spirituality into my work.

I bring practicality and sort of getting to the root of why it's so difficult for people to date.

I think we slap a band-aid on and we try to, you know, figure out how to be successful.

And we have to go deeper many times to really figure it out.

Yes, exactly.

And I am one of them.

And as you know, because I do the podcast for almost three years, I get literally dozens and dozens of messages every single day from men and women all over the world.

And it's the never-ending question: why is it so difficult?

Why is it so complicated?

So, I guess the first question is, because we're specifically going to focus a little bit on the dating apps, because I want to share all the information that I learned from you with my listeners.

Do you think that it is the dating apps' fault, like that they make everything so superficial that we are actually ordering people like we order pizza, fast food?

Or do you think it has nothing to do with the dating apps?

So here's what I think.

And this was based on a lot of trial and error.

I made every mistake one can make when I was in my own turbo dating phase.

And I found my now fiancé and Bumble four years ago.

So here's what I think.

I think the dating apps are a total gift.

I think that, you know, in this technology age, you know, no one's looking up from their devices and it's really difficult to meet people organically.

It's so hard to meet people.

We're not chit-chatting in line anymore.

We're not, you know, setting each other up.

So the apps are actually a gift.

What is really, really tough, and you heard me talk about this, is, you know, the biggest challenge that we have, it's very subconscious.

We don't realize what's going on.

All we know is it feels really frustrating and we want to chuck our phones across the room, Is that when you meet someone at a dinner party, you feel their energy, whether it's good or bad or zingy or not.

And we are expecting, as we're swiping, to feel some sort of energy from people.

And we don't, right?

You can't.

It's like, and as you heard me say, really amazing people are on the apps, just disguised in really mediocre profiles.

So, you know, this is the biggest concept.

If I can get people to understand that

people just like you and me and and amazing friends of ours they're all on the apps but we're just not recognizing it and we're trying to recreate some sort of energy you think mostly because the profiles are so bad you think that's like the number one issue

I think profiles just don't properly represent anybody.

I mean, I remember when I put together my first profile, it was like party girl, Amy.

Oh, that's what I thought guys wanted to see.

And it was sort of like, oh my God, I wasn't even me.

Friends would look at my profile and go, oh, oh, okay.

So we don't know how to do it.

Right.

Most people don't know how to do it.

I agree with you.

Yeah.

And it's, I mean, even when we're at our best on the apps, it's still hard.

Yeah.

Okay.

So let's talk about a really tough one now.

I know you met your fiancé on Bumble, which is awesome.

I actually interviewed Patty Stanger, the matchmaker, who met her boyfriend on Tinder.

My love coach, my in-house love coach married her husband that she met on Tinder.

So there is hope for all of us through dating apps.

But this is the question because it has happened to me.

And when I told my story this summer, again, a lot of women were like, oh my God, the same thing happened to me.

So you meet a really nice guy or girl on bumble or whatever, any dating app.

And you start dating.

And it's going great.

And you're like, wow, we are in a relationship.

We're monogamous.

And you think, this is going amazing and amazing.

Amazing.

I can't believe I found my match on a dating app.

Wow, it's like finding a diamond in the sand, right?

And And then all of a sudden, they're like, oops, I changed my mind.

They put a stop on it, which is, believe it or not, what happened to me.

I was dating someone for like four months.

And we clicked, like, if you think of every box, because it's really hard, right?

It was going great.

And then all of a sudden, one day he was like, oops, no, I'm not ready.

It's not what I want.

I changed my mind.

Goodbye.

And I was really shocked.

And then a lot of girls said to me, This happened.

One girl was engaged, literally, literally engaged.

So how do we, so the question is, why do you think it happens?

And how is there any way that we actually figure out who is serious about dating and who is just out there testing the waters?

Yes, a resounding yes is my answer.

And this is, this is a great question.

And I mean, I get people calling me every single week saying, well, we were together for six years.

And then I said, well, when are we going to get engaged?

And he said, well, we never talked about it.

So here's what I will say is my dating program is all about intentional dating okay conscious dating what does that mean well we were never taught any of this stuff right so we just all we know is from Disney we hope we we have this magical connection with someone and we hope for the best and then all of a sudden one day one of the you know one person raises their hand and says, yeah, yeah, no.

So I have something called the three, four rule, okay?

By the end of the third date, we need to know four things.

We need to know: is there some sort of connection?

Maybe you don't have amazing chemistry right away.

That can grow.

Number two, core value alignment.

Is this person aligned with you from a core value standpoint?

Okay.

Number three, is this person emotionally mature and available?

Two different things equally as important.

And lastly, and very important, and people really like to skip this one, is this person ready at the same readiness level as you?

we can know we can find out the answers to these four questions by date three really it's a little scary yeah you have to be really vulnerable and you have to be ready and willing to use your voice and put yourself out there in terms of what you're looking for what you need what you want yeah that's i love that advice however

it does happen like in my case And you look at the person's eyes and they say, I'm ready.

Because, you know, that's an ongoing discussion in this podcast.

Men lie.

A lot of men literally lie.

Yeah, people lie, but we're saying men because, you know,

guys, I'm not saying all of you, but a lot of men, like, they'll look at you in the eyes and say, I'm ready.

I want to be in this relationship with you.

I want to date you, la, la, la, la.

But they just want to get you to bed.

Well, here's the thing.

It can be for a lot of reasons.

I like to look at the good in people.

I do think that most people who say they're ready, right,

they want to be ready.

They want that relationship.

But what is missing is their emotional maturity.

It's their ability to push through their fear.

It's their ability to know that they went through some hard stuff and they grew through it.

Now you hit a spot.

I like that emotional maturity.

Sometimes if it's too good, the guy might freak out.

Like, wow, this is too perfect.

I don't know if I want to do this, right?

well and you need to ask like on the second date you need to say what was your last relationship like how long was it why did it end what was your part in it

and what do you want to do different in your next relationship because I guarantee you if you ask that question if you ask these questions really early on it will scare someone who's really just talking the talk but not really ready yeah it's not enough to just say hey are you ready for a relationship check and then you kind of just like shut the door and hope for the best you have to keep getting curious and getting curious and getting curious.

And asking questions, right?

And asking questions, really scary questions.

Because the thing is, that person who says they're ready, but not, they're not, they won't last.

They'll run away.

And that's what you want.

You want someone to run away from you.

I agree.

I agree.

Like, I'd rather find out as soon as possible if the person is full of shit or not.

Now,

the same thing, the girls send this question all the time.

When I'm looking at profiles, some of the profiles look great.

Oh, he's handsome

and he says i'm i'm ready or i'm looking for the one i a lot of guys use this phrase i'm looking for my last first date right

but is there any way even before the first date that you know ah this guy's serious this guy's a player because it's very hard for most girls It's hard.

That's a great question.

We don't know much, right, before the first date.

I think

it's, and it's also, it's a little bit tough.

It's almost too soon in the banter when you're on the app to say like, hey, what are you looking for?

You know, some people will do that.

It sort of comes off as a little too strong and like, okay, like, so you're role pal.

Can we just talk about like, you know, your hobbies?

So we don't necessarily know.

So two things I'm going to say here is

We have to be liberal when we're swiping, right?

If someone's in the zone is how I call it, it's like they're just ticking certain boxes, that's fine.

Then when you're in the in the banter, you're just sort of asking like, oh, what do you do?

You know, what are your passions?

What do you do for your job?

Or, you know, all of those types of things.

When someone asks you out, women, you know, ask for that last name and Google it first before you give away your information.

That will, that will qualify a lot of people.

A lot of people will disappear at that point, which is great.

But so, we really don't, it's hard to know right away.

Um, but once you are in that first date, and the first date should be a mini screener date, it should be no longer than 45 minutes to an hour.

It's juice, it's coffee, it's an early drink.

Why?

Because then you're not like let down like that you just gave away a Saturday night.

It was been four hours of getting ready and going.

So we should just look at dating like, okay, I'm just going to meet a new person.

I'm going to ask some questions.

No sweat if it doesn't work.

And I'm going to learn one new thing, you know?

And that's how it should go because I think, you know, we're just raising the stakes way too high.

Yeah, I kind of agree with you.

I totally take the pressure off of me.

And And if I decide to get to the point that I'm going to go actually meet the person, I look at it like you said, oh, maybe it's going to be a friend, maybe a business contact.

You know, it doesn't have to be the man of my life.

And if it turns out to be great, I'm happily surprised.

Exactly, exactly.

And, you know, with online dating, chemistry often works in reverse.

I think people don't understand it.

It's like, it's a very mechanical, very awkward way to meet someone.

We have to let the chemistry grow.

So the first

date or two might even be awkward with someone.

But as long as you're aligned on some core values and things, I say go for it.

By the end of the third date, that's the deal breaker date.

I wouldn't go past a third date as long as you're asking the right questions.

If you're still not feeling like, oh, I don't want to kiss this person after date.

Follow your instinct, right?

Follow your instinct.

Yeah, exactly.

Now, but even before the first date, when you were doing your

class there at the Seoul House, I think I asked you, and I'm not sure, but I think you told me you don't think it's a good idea because I've, like many women, I've been on a gazillion dates and I don't have time and I don't have the patience.

So nowadays, if I start talking to a guy and I like him, I have the tendency to ask for a video chat before the first date.

And a lot of them get scared away, which to me is a red flag.

And some of them, like, sure.

I think, what do you think about this idea?

Do you think it's a good idea, or it's too much pressure?

No, I love it.

I love it.

Oh, yeah.

A second date, a Zoom date.

I think it's great.

um some people genuinely don't like i have clients who like really don't you know it's awkward to do the video date thing or they prefer the phone but i love a 20 minute facetime video date you know i mean it's just low stakes low pressure you can just make sure you're checking the boxes like okay do we have any hope of any kind of connection here and again you know like ask the at start asking some questions right away i agree and even if not a video date at least talk to the person on the phone.

I like listening to their voice.

Yeah, I would say, you know, that's great, but don't hide behind phone and video dates either, right?

Make sure you're doing a combination of them because it's really easy to start to hide and say, well, I don't have any time to really date.

I'm just going to do, because then it's just, you know, that's a different problem.

Yeah, no, I agree.

So you go on the first date and it's great.

I get that question a lot.

I went on the first date and it was so nice.

We hit it off.

What a great evening.

La la la.

He vanished.

He never called me, invited me for a second date.

Why?

Okay, so here's the thing.

We get so caught up on the why.

We have to stop.

We'll never know.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't really matter.

I know it feels like rejection.

And of course,

it is the universe giving you a gift, saying, you know what?

This person is just not supposed to be in your life.

You're meant to keep going.

But what I will say is, because people get so caught up in it, a lot of times if you're being your authentic self and you are showing up to a date and you're asking some questions, you're getting curious, you want to know about their past relationship, you want to know kind of like what they stand for, what is meaningful to them.

Someone who's not ready in the same way you are.

will be scared of that.

They might really think you're great on a lot of levels, but they know deep down that they can't meet you where you want to be met.

Let that go.

Yeah.

I mean, 90% of the time, it has nothing to do with you.

I'm sure you kicked ass on a date, but like, you got to let it go.

Yeah, I completely agree.

What I think is that a lot of men are on these dating apps and literally they just book a bunch of dates.

They are not interested in a relationship.

To me, because that's what I hear as feedback from women and even my guy friends.

Like I know a lot of my single guy friends, they will book a date Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday, Thursday.

And even, so even if they love the girl on Friday,

they might lie to her that they want to date her and they want a relationship with her, but they just basically line up because dating apps made it really easy.

It's great for men.

It's feeding their ego.

I hear that over and over and over.

Yeah.

It's dating apps can be really fun and great.

And it feeds, it really is like a lot of validation.

It's like that hit of dopamine, right?

Like Instagram or anything else.

It's like hit, hit, hit.

That's why we have to do our job and we can't just sit back and hope they think that we're cute.

We have to like get really proactive and ask really serious questions so that that dude is going to be like, oh, she's hot, but

yeah, she wants the real deal.

So you think that the guys that do that, that are like serial dating and that do it for their ego, they're not ready for a relationship, right?

they're just playing the field i agree exactly and you have to you know someone can say they're ready but you always have to look at someone's words and actions and if they match yeah so that guy who's saying he's ready and then he's not calling you for four days in between dates he's not ready i agree so okay we're looking for consistency we're looking for yeah so this is a good one

i never thought about this one before you said the how many so you went on a first date it was great so the if the guy is really interested in you

he should call after how many or plan another date after how long what do you think next day oh the next day they should follow up and plan yeah i mean honestly like i would say the last handful of my clients who all found their people on the apps they've they've consistently heard from them every day since the day they met because they both were just like in it and ready yeah um i mean that might be extreme sure people are busy and A few days can go by, but the disappearing act of someone going away for five days and then they're they're like oh sorry I was on a business trip and it I don't care if you're piloting a plane you can text me I agree

I mean it's true and so never ever get caught up in that whole

he's just really busy it's like no if he wanted to text you he would absolutely nobody's too busy like you can text the person in the bathroom if you like them right if you have right right and the thing is we're looking for someone who wants a relationship above all else they are going to prioritize it they're not going going to put this behind their pet snake.

Like they're going to be like, okay, like, you know, so they're going to be kind and generous and timely and all of the things.

Yeah, no, I completely agree.

So for all these girls out there, you have a first date and the guy vanishes, especially now during the holiday season.

A lot of people vanish like during Christmas, New Year's, and then they show up two, three weeks later.

What do you tell these girls?

too late don't give the guy the second date or give the guy a second date like christmas new year's and he's like hey i'm going to, you know, Switzerland with my family.

It's like, that's different.

But in general, unless he says point blank, listen, I'd love to take you out again.

Let's make a date.

I do have a business trip in between.

You're not going to hear from me.

I mean, that's, that's courteous.

That's nice.

But the whole disappearing act, and then what a lot of my female clients will do is they'll like, they'll just reach out proactively.

Hey, how's it going?

I just was thinking of you.

It's like, I am a big chivalry person.

I like it.

I think that I do believe we are equal beings, men and women, but at the end of the day, I like courting with someone who will court us.

So if you like that too, then don't chase.

I completely agree.

Do you agree with the concept that men are the chasers, men are hunters, they like to do the hunting, they like to go after the girl?

Or do you think that's all outdated?

I mean, there's some sort of happy modern medium there.

I think that, you know, we're looking for someone who feels that we are, you know, that are champion, they're championing our career.

They're championing who we are.

They want us to soar.

They want us to be independent, right?

But

I don't want to lose the courtship.

I think the courtship part is really sweet.

Yeah.

I completely agree.

Now, I remember also when you were talking about doing your class at the Soho House, you mentioned that

how long do you think, like, you're dating someone, how long do you think until the exclusivity, being a couple conversations should be brought up?

Can you help us in that department a little bit?

Yeah, that's a great question.

I get this all the time.

Well, I've really been thinking about this a lot, but I don't know when I should bring it up.

And I'm like, here's the thing.

The timing is when you want to bring it up.

You know.

As long as you're reasonable, I mean, a week in, two dates in, you're not going to, you know, but I think it generally comes up around the three-month mark if you're going out like once a week, twice a week kind of thing.

And you'll kind of know, like, because you'll just keep thinking about it and you'll be wondering if he's dating other people and you kind of don't want to date others.

You can always bring it up.

You don't have to wait for somebody else.

You can do it in a really gentle way that says something like, listen, I don't know where you are, but here's kind of where I feel like I'm heading with you.

I'm enjoying our time.

I feel like I'm kind of imagining us maybe deciding not to date others, but I don't know if you're where I am.

And someone might bring it up to you, and you're not quite there either.

And you can always say, Listen, we're reading from the same book.

I'm a chapter behind you.

So, as long as we kind of like start to just be okay with these vulnerable conversations, it's okay.

You know, we can do it.

But do you think it's okay if the woman brings it up?

Because,

yes, because usually men say like they are the ones that make the decision.

A lot of guys feel like, whoa, she's too ready for me.

Well, then, then that's not your person, usually, right?

I mean,

we do want a partner who can meet us at any point wherever with our feelings, you know?

Yeah.

If that scares someone, that's a different story.

If you bring up like the possibility of exclusivity and they're like, oh, gosh, yeah,

then that's a readiness issue that you're going to have to figure out.

Yeah, I agree.

But how about the opposite?

In my case, and then when I said that a lot, again, a lot of girls said it happened to me too.

It was the opposite I met my my ex-boyfriend on Bumble

yes he was pursuing me calling me calling me I want to see you once you planning one date after the other like major planner all over me when we finally had sex it was fantastic he like right away after four or five days he was the one that kept saying to me we are in a relationship we are monogamous I really want to be with you I am so happy with my girl la la la la la so it was the exact opposite It was such intensity.

It was so incredible.

And then after four months, he was like, whoa, maybe not.

So here's, he was love bombing you.

Love bombing me.

Can you explain to us what that means?

Yeah.

So love bombing is something that people do when they

have an intense fear of commitment, but they really want it.

Like they want it, but they have such an intense fear and they don't know where it comes from.

They're not willing to work on it.

So what they do is they skip over all of that, all of the steps in the beginning that kind of would normally go slower and you just get to know one another and you would build emotional intimacy before physical and all of the things.

A love bomber comes on so strong that by like date two, three, four, they're professing love.

They're like, I know it sounds crazy, but like I, it's you, it's you, it's you, because they don't want you to see their fear.

And then what happens is after a certain point, when you show up to them, like, okay,

you're money where your mouth is let's do I trust you I trust you let's do this and let's build a future for real that's their fear gets in the way and they bolt yeah so is there any way that we can identify that that's the situation so we don't get hurt it goes back to asking more questions up front because a love bomber doesn't want to have those conversations the love bomber wants to just shower you with compliments and tell you how amazing you are and how great of a fit you guys are.

And they really don't want to go back into their past too deep.

They don't want to talk about the wounds and the vulnerable stuff.

So, I mean, let me ask you, in that relationship, did you talk about that stuff earlier?

Yes,

all the time.

Believe that's the puzzle because we kept talking and talking and communicating like crazy.

And he would look at me and say, Oh, I love how we communicate about everything.

And he was super vulnerable, la la la la.

I had reservations.

I wondered because he's still legally legally married, but he separated over a year ago and he was very determined to move on with his life.

But because we communicated so much all the time, I started letting my guard down.

Like, okay, this guy seems insanely firm, like very secure about what he wants, you know.

And I like men who, not men that wonder, you know, like some guys are like, I don't know what I want.

I'm gonna date him.

This guy seemed like very, very sure

about

us being in a relationship and what he wanted.

And then all of a sudden he changed his mind.

And when I told my story,

a lot of girls were like, wow, the same exact thing happened to me.

Was there a tipping point where he cracked and fled?

What was the tipping point?

That's a great question.

It was during the Jewish holidays, which I know is a lot of pressure for Jewish men that are being divorced and leaving their families and everything.

But it was really sudden, you know, it was like literally, like, uh, one minute he's here at my house, and we're having a great weekend, like we always did.

And then, 48 hours later, he gave me like a three-minute phone call.

Like, my wife says there's something to do with, like, he wasn't formally divorced, there was some sort of like

I think, I think he was one of those that still wanted to play the field and like be on bumble and date other people because he was still on bumble on and off.

And there you go, yeah, but I, and yeah,

but here here's the thing so that right it's like that doesn't match that action doesn't match with someone who says I'm gonna

exactly so when your words and actions when you start to see that someone's words and actions are not matching that is a giant red flag yeah

so let's ask that question that a lot of people want to know you meet someone on bumble like your case it's going great When do you think it's proper for both of you to get out of the dating app?

Again, it's just having that conversation.

I have had, I've coached clients where it's like two months in, three months, and it's usually around that mark.

And, you know, sometimes the man initiates, sometimes the woman.

I had a female client recently sit down with him and she was just like, she brought a bottle of champagne.

They poured champagne and he's like, what are we clinking to?

And she's like, well, I have an idea.

And he's like, okay.

And she said, I think we should ceremoniously delete our apps together.

Aw, that's sweet.

But she must have to date you.

But she must have felt very secure in their relationship to do that, right?

She did.

She did.

But they did have a conversation around it.

She wanted to bring it up in a lighter way and they ended up having a conversation and it went really, really well.

Other times it's like it is just you need to go a little deeper first and just see sometimes people aren't on the same page, but they end up being on the same page later because they built such a nice, warm, you know, solid friendship where they feel safe in talking about it.

Oh, I hear you.

So in your case, case,

you met your husband on Bumble and you guys were dating and everything.

How long did it take until you, or who did it first?

How was it in your situation?

Yeah, I mean, I would say probably around the four month, five month mark.

Wow, so that long, okay.

And just, yeah, I mean, you know, I was, you know, just getting out.

I was like just finalizing the divorce, everything.

And so it's, it's one of those situations where you want to, you know, kind of just be really honest and mindful about everything.

And, but I think everybody's situation is different.

It's, there's no cookie cutter way to do this.

And as long as you feel like you're building a safe foundation to be vulnerable right away.

I mean, that's the most important part.

If there's some part of you that doesn't feel like you can bring up any topic with this person after a handful of months, then you have to sort of sit back and ask some questions of yourself and what the relationship is.

So your suggestion, if you meet somebody and you really like the person, you're like, okay, I'm going to go on date two, three, four and see where this goes.

Should you still zoom on the dating app here and there?

Just like, yeah.

I wish you guys saw her face now.

She has a big smile on her face.

If and unless you have the exclusivity talk, okay, no assumptions.

We're not assuming anything.

Like this is such a big one.

People assume all the time.

Well, but Amy, like he introduced me to his best friend.

Oh, but Amy, he's taking me to a wedding.

Oh, but Amy, we went on this romantic trip.

But they never had the exclusivity conversation.

You have to assume, even though it sounds crazy to you, you have to assume they're dating other people and you should be dating other people.

And I don't care if you're really women have such a hard time with this.

They're like, no, no, no, no, I really like him.

And men, I have male clients.

Men are like, swipe it away because

they are not exclusive yet.

So

that's the rule of thumb.

I am guilty of that because when I date, like you said, I date with intention.

And it's so hard hard for me to like someone.

So when I like that person, I'm like, okay, I'm going to focus on him.

And I'm going to do other shit.

I don't, I'm like, why am I going to keep?

So to me, it's so hard to think of someone.

I'm not wired.

It's women.

We're not wired that way.

We are wired to like really like someone.

And then we put all

every egg that we have.

Yes.

Literally and figuratively, every egg.

Throw it into their basket.

And the guys are going to be able to do it.

I definitely, yes, the guys are like all over the place.

I give it my all.

I'm like, okay, I'm going to concentrate on this person because I barely have time.

I can't imagine like jungling a bunch of people.

Yeah,

you should always be at least going.

My dog's going to bark.

I'm going to take a one-side.

Okay, I'm back with Amy.

Phoenix was really behaving, and then I got an Amazon fresh delivery, and I know it was going to come.

My listeners are like a huge part of my life.

This is like organic and not edited because it's real life, right?

We have dogs, you have kids, we have jobs, life happens, shit happens.

But before I let you go, so okay, your recommendation is we meet somebody on a dating app, no matter how great it's going, keep your options open.

And you're saying yes, yes, yes, with your head.

Yes, yes.

I just see it all the time.

We are literally naming our future kids with people after date two.

And it's, we've got to slow down.

And here's the thing: until you have that exclusivity conversation, you should be dating others.

But here's why

because it keeps your vibration high it keeps you sparkling it keeps you i mean that is like fun energy so that you're not just like focus hyper focusing on this one person who you really don't know that well yet yeah right and you're building these stories that aren't may or may not be true it's like and then what happens if you guys end it after date five yeah you're like oh no i have to start all over again it's like it really it keeps your energy light and fun and that's the way to do it.

Yeah, I like that.

However, if you are dating someone, like it was my case and the case of many girls out there, and you go on five, six, ten, fifteen, twenty dates, and the guy looks at you like, I'm only dating you, we are exclusive.

I actually told my guy because I wanted him to feel secure after many, many dates, like I think one and a half, two months into it, after maybe 20 dates or even more, I told him.

I said, I'm the leading, I'm not on bumbo anymore because I wanted him to feel safe, especially because of my work and everything, you know.

And then I found out he didn't do the same, and now we know the end of the story.

So,

on the other hand, if you are dating someone and you tell them you're a couple, the right thing to do is that both delete the app, correct?

Oh, yes,

absolutely.

You have that conversation, and

you know, if you want to just feel more secure and just ask them, like, you know, just double-checking, I'm deleting my apps.

Are you, you know,

we just can't assume anything, right?

Right.

And if they're still on the dating app and they still want to keep looking at other people, then you should do the same.

Well, you have a decision to make.

You know,

if you really, really want to be exclusive and it's been long enough in your mind and he's just not ready, that's different.

So you need to ask yourself some questions.

The best thing you can do in dating is know exactly what you want, what your core values are and what your readiness level is and be able to communicate that right up front that really is the best thing you can do yeah perfect now the sex question that's also it's like an ongoing question and and different experts have different opinions about it i would like to know yours and i think we talked about it at the soul house you're dating someone a lot of even like patty stanger the famous millionaire matchmaker i interviewed her like a few weeks ago and she was like don't have sex withhold sex make him wait and wait.

And there's talk about months, like make him wait three, four months until you are in a committed relationship.

No, I don't agree with that.

Okay, good, because I don't either.

One of my guy friends, many episodes ago, he was like, Oh, this is withholding the vagina hostage, it backfires, it's a horrible idea.

Men don't like it.

Yeah, I think that's extreme.

I respectfully disagree.

Patty's great, but I disagree.

Here is the thing, is that I have this intake form.

It's really long and I give it to all my clients to fill out.

And one of the questions I have is, do you want an emotional connection before you become physical?

Because a lot of women get really attached once they have sex with someone.

I would say 95% of all women say yes, yes, yes.

I want an emotional connection first.

And if that's true, so that you can properly assess the relationship, then guess what?

Don't have sex on date one.

Don't have sex on date two.

Right.

Right.

because it's going to cloud your judgment you're going to suddenly be so attached to someone and you're going to it's going to be much harder for you to connect with them in a realistic way so i just say dates one two and three

don't have sex you can like kiss you can make out whatever if you're someone who knows though that you are so sensitive to this like once you have sex with someone you're all in then you need to communicate that you like to move really slow and you have to decide for yourself i have a client who who recently started dating someone and she waited like eight dates or something, I think.

And that felt right to her.

And he was totally a gentleman.

He was great.

And then when they did have sex, it was great and they're now committed, right?

But I would say at least for the first three dates or so, just get to know someone.

So there's no rule, right?

It's like follow your instincts and follow

your heart and how you feel about it.

Do you agree?

I agree.

If you really, really love having an emotional connection first, then take your time.

Take your time and communicate that so that there's no weirdness at the end of the date.

Like when he's trying to invite you up and you're like, no, bye, uh, early morning.

Like, you can communicate that.

You can say, hey, I am so attracted to you.

Just FYI and kind of move on the slower side.

And if he doesn't respect that right away, he's not your guy.

He's not your guy.

I agree.

Now, I remember you said something that I thought was really, really important.

Most of these dating apps, and I think Tinder has the same.

I don't know because I don't use Tinder much, but nowadays it lets the person say, like, if they want a relationship,

if they want, what is the other one?

Like, if they're not sure,

not sure.

Casual, not sure.

And I remember you said, if a guy tells you on his profile, not sure, believe them.

Yes, believe them, believe them.

And furthermore,

we could do a whole nother episode on this, is, as you know, is put it in your profile, not just in the little tiny writing, but put it in there under like, you know, the key to my heart, like what matters to you.

And then say, looking for, you know,

a partner who makes me laugh every day.

You know, really state that.

State what you want.

So a lot, you know, a lot of women, I keep saying women because I'm thinking about the messages I get.

They meet the guy, oh, but he's so handsome and he's so great.

They think they're going to change the guy.

But if the guy tells you he's not, he doesn't want a relationship, don't waste your time, correct?

She's shaking her head.

No, girl.

That's the universe screaming at you.

So if you don't take that advice, it's just going to be a lot of pain and heartbreak later.

Yeah.

One of my best friends has been on a bunch of dates with this guy, and they did not even met on a dating app.

They met somewhere else.

And every time they're going to date, it's great.

But he literally tells her i am single i've been single my entire life i'm not opposed to being in a relationship but i'm not gonna lie to you i'm out there

good for him i mean he's being honest and it's really if she wants a relationship she should not be playing in that sandbox because he's she's not gonna change he's not gonna be like one day like oh i want to have a relationship with you you made me change my mind right nope nope nope nope not happening not happening amy before i let you go do you have i mean i I know you met your fiancé on Bumble, so is that your favorite dating app?

Do you think that's the best one for girls?

I think

I'm thinking Bumble and Hinge.

I think both, working with both of those apps at the same time are the perfect combination.

And I like Tinder too.

You do like Tinder too?

I do.

You think it's possible to meet nice guys?

Yeah, Tinder, I think I said this in my speech.

Like Tinder's like that high school girl who was like super slightly and got her act together.

And like Tinder has such a bad rap from the way it started, right?

The hookup app.

But it really has got so many great people on it.

I love it.

Thank you so much.

Such amazing advice.

Where do people find you?

Yeah, sure.

I have all my information on my website, which is loveamy.co, CO,

and my Instagram, which is love.amy.nyc.

I have a lot of tips on there.

And for the people that are in the LA area, you said you're going to be back at the Soho House.

What's the date?

It's actually January 18th.

January 18th.

Uh, for those of you guys who are members, I highly recommend because you are insanely cool and calm and sweet about it.

And if you're not a member, yeah, DM me or write to me, and I will put you on the list.

Awesome.

And if you guys are non-members, DM me.

I'll do a little draft and I'll invite you two of you to come with me and listen to Amy because I think it's completely worth it.

You're amazing.

I feel like when I talk to you, I feel peaceful and cool about it.

So I love it.

Amazing.

Thank you.

I've done my job.

Thank you so much.

This was the last episode of this season of Cat on the Loos.

And Happy New Year, everyone.

Happy New Year, Amy.

It's a pleasure having you.

It was such a pleasure meeting you.

It's an honor to be here closing out 2022.

I really wanted to close with you on purpose because, like I said, I think you have very

nice and not like absurd advice.

and like when people see you, I'm gonna put your videos on my social media.

And a lot of people that they said the same thing, even my guy friends, you

make us feel like not so tense about dating, you know, that it should be more like an organic process.

And I think that's really important.

It should be fun, right?

It shouldn't be like torture.

It should be fun.

If we can make it fun, let's make it fun.

Let's see.

Yeah, thank you so much, Amy.

I really appreciate having you.

Your Instagram is

love.amy.nyc.

Love.amy.nyc.

Thank you.

Happy New Year, guys.

And I'll see you for season six of Cat on the Loos on 2023.

Woo, you guys.

Happy New Year, everyone, and be safe out there.

Thank you, Amy.

You're amazing.

Thank you.

I'm going to run.

That was great.