SEX TALK FOR MEN WITH SEX THERAPIST ALEX GRENDI

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Okay, I am very excited about today's episode because I have had

sex therapists here in the past, but normally we talk about sex

for women or about women.

Today, my guest, I'm going to introduce him, his name is Alex Grandi.

He's a sex therapist, specialized in men's sexual health and wellness.

Correct, Alex?

Yes, that is true.

So, first of all, hi, thank you for doing this.

Thank you so much for having me.

I really appreciate it.

This is really exciting because, like I said, you know, usually when we talk about sex, I don't know, for some reason, we think about women, right?

Sex therapists for women or for couples.

So, when you reached out to me and I was reading your bio, I was like, ah, that is super interesting because I honestly never talked to a sex therapist that specializes in men so can you give us a little bit of the background how you end up being a sex therapist and how you decided that you're gonna work and help men

yeah absolutely so a lot of this started with my own personal journey of

having my own problems my own

issues with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction and just generally not being very confident and comfortable when it came to sex.

So I was having a lot of sexual experiences, but they weren't really the experiences that I was hoping to have.

So,

you know, after maybe 15 years of having a lot of disconnected sex,

sex that really wasn't going the way that I wanted it to, whether it was ending too quickly or ending because of erectile dysfunction,

it wasn't until I actually found a sex coach that I realized there was so much more to sex, relationships, intimacy, connection.

So yeah, that was like one of the biggest turning points in my life is when I got more comfortable during sex, got more confident as a man and really stepped into my power.

Awesome.

So we have a million questions because I think, and you tell me if you agree with me or not, sex is still taboo for both men and women.

But I think a lot of men would love to

ask these questions that I'm going to ask you and would love to talk to someone about it.

But they're embarrassed.

Because I think for guys,

sex and their dick and how they function in bed, many times it's kind of like a trophy, right?

Oh, you know, I'm so good at it.

And I think it's hard for a lot of men to talk about it.

Do you agree or not?

Yeah, absolutely.

The men who reach out to me, 99% of the time, I'm the first person they've ever told in their life.

There you go.

And it's the, yeah, when I told my audience that I was going to interview you and I said, you guys can remain anonymous.

Then all of a sudden, finally, I started getting a bunch of messages from guys.

not through Instagram because they didn't want me to see who they were, but I started getting a ton of emails and like WhatsApp text messages, if you believe that, like, they basically are curious about it and they want to ask questions, but they're embarrassed.

Yeah, absolutely.

And, like, you alluded to before, there's this pressure and expectation that men are just supposed to be amazing at sex, but they're not

amazing or they're terrible.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's kind of how black and white it is.

Oh, he was good or he was bad.

Right.

And no one wants to be bad.

True.

So they want to, you know, and myself included.

I used to, even when I had bad sexual experiences, let's just say in college, I would still be like, oh, I slept with this girl last night and she's so beautiful.

And like, meanwhile, it was horrible and embarrassing.

But you don't want to tell the truth, right?

Yeah.

No, you don't want to tell your friends, like, hey, actually, I couldn't get it up and it was miserable.

Okay, so let's start with the tough one, okay?

Because I have

many, many, many, so let's try to squeeze in as much as we possibly can.

This is something that I usually say.

I'm not a therapist.

I'm not an expert by any means.

I'm just a girl dating after being married for a long time.

Try to find the right guy for me.

But this is my opinion.

And please, if you think I'm completely wrong and out of line, don't be shy.

I think men after a certain age, no pressure but pressure, sorry, should know their body.

Basically, what am I saying?

I'm saying, like, if you're gonna take a girl to bed, like you're dating a girl for a few dates, and you know you guys are gonna have sex, I think you should know, uh, like for example, if you drink too much and you know you can get it up after too many drinks, or if you smoke pot and you know it affects you, or if you get too nervous, I think you,

and why do I say after a certain age?

Because I, it's okay if you're a teenager and your early 20s because you're just learning about all this stuff.

But I'm talking about like mature men, you know, in their late 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

I think you need to to know what works for you and what doesn't work for you.

So when you actually get to bed with the girl that you really want, hopefully you are able to perform.

Do you think I'm being too harsh?

No, I totally agree with you.

And part of my work is I want men to be able to know their bodies and know how to pleasure women when they're in their late teens, early 20s.

You know, that's like my goal.

That's mostly the difficult years, right?

When you start being sexually active, if you have some performance anxiety, it can carry with you through the rest of your life.

Yeah.

But if you learn it early in late teens, early 20s, then yeah, you won't have that problem.

And you're dating in your 40s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and you're,

you know, you know more than 99% of the rest.

That's a good place to be.

Yeah, so let's say you didn't do any work in your 20s and your 30s, and now you're in your 40s, your 50s, your 60s, and you try to date again.

How do you control the famous performance anxiety that you just mentioned?

Is there a little key, a little secret to control it?

Yeah, so I have tons of guys in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s in my program right now.

And this is something that you can absolutely fix no matter what age.

You know, and it's just,

it comes down to nervous system regulation, especially with premature ejaculation.

Certain erectile dysfunction can decrease with age, right?

You know, as we get older, lower testosterone, it can be more difficult to get an erection.

But a lot of men, I have men in their 30s who are like, well, I'm getting old.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God.

I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's are you serious?

A lot of men can be in their head about this.

So when it comes to like a quick tip or something that any man can apply is

really

understanding how to connect to their breath before and during intimacy to be able to calm themselves down and control

their breath.

Okay, but even before, like let's say, okay, let's rewind a little bit because that's a question that a lot of guys send.

And I've had this problem happen to me, and I know most women do.

You're dating a guy, and before the first time you have sex, usually men are like really off cars, excited.

I want to have sex with her, I want to have sex with her.

So, that anticipation is building in their head.

And a lot of times, so okay, tonight, finally, okay, I invite you to my apartment.

We're gonna have sex.

Some men are great, cool, and collected about it, no problem.

But some guys, when it's actually time to go and do it,

you know, they freak out, like, oh my God, this woman is too fucking hot.

Oh, my God, I don't know what to do with myself.

And they get so nervous that instead of enjoying the moment, they fuck it up and the sex sucks.

So, just that little like anticipation of the moment before you're actually in bed with the girl.

Do you have any tips that you would tell guys out there listening to us?

Like, look, dude, this is how you calm down or this is how you put it in perspective?

Yeah, I mean, especially in that moment, it will be to connect to your breath.

Like you need to slow your heart rate down.

You need to get your nervous system regulated.

It will be in this like super nervous, heavy chest breathing, high heart rate state.

And you need to

breathe.

But how do you tell...

But Alex, sorry to interrupt you, but how do you actually do that like in practice?

Because you're like in the girl's apartment and you're kissing and you're making out

and you know, you know it's gonna happen.

Do you go like, okay, give me a minute, I need to breathe?

How do you do that?

To me, it has to happen before that, right?

A lot of men will start freaking out

before they even go on the date.

I know she's gonna want to sleep with me tonight.

It's overdue.

They've been putting it off.

Like

they're really nervous nervous the entire time.

So it starts then.

You know, it starts with, okay, I know tonight it's going to happen.

How can I prepare myself?

And one of the biggest ways that's not, you know, breathing or anything like that is actually sharing with the woman that, hey,

I really like you.

I really want to sleep with you.

But I'm nervous because I don't want to mess it up and there's a lot lot of pressure.

Well, I have to tell you, my opinion.

If I'm dating a guy and he's very, very nervous, it's a major turn off for me.

And I think for most women.

So I don't know if people tell you that or like, I don't know what you tell your clients.

But basically,

if a guy said that to me, like, you just suggested, and I can be really enjoying my time with a guy, but when it comes the time that I want to have sex sex with him, if he told me, oh my God, I am so nervous and I don't want to fuck it up, honestly, I would totally like, it would be gone for me, like my, my desire for that guy, because I think that's such a turn off.

Well, you're allowed to have that as a turn off.

It's not the right match, obviously.

If he didn't tell you that and he still performed poorly, I think he would be in trouble anyway.

If you

don't know, that's not fair.

That's not right.

That's not true.

Okay, so let's talk about

when you talk about not performing, you mean like not getting it up,

not getting hard.

Could be going too quickly or not getting it up, you know.

So if he's just really nervous, and that's very clear, which you just mentioned is a turn off for you.

Yeah.

And then he didn't perform,

are you going to want to sleep with him again?

I have.

It has happened to to me.

And I did sleep with the guy again.

So, yeah, no, it's not a.

I just think, and again, like I said, I would prefer, like most women, to be very, very transparent and honest.

Most women, of course, hope that that doesn't happen.

And every once in a while, it happens.

So this is a really important question that a lot of girls have.

If we go to bed with a guy, and yes, whether he's nervous or for whatever reason, he can get hard so it's a disaster should we blame ourselves because a lot of women blame themselves like oh i'm sure it's my fault i didn't whatever do what he liked me to do that and or it's not our fault how do you feel as men and what how what do you tell your clients is it the girl's fault or is it your fault It really depends on the situation.

I think, you know, like you said, no one wants to have erectile dysfunction.

No one wants to not be able to get it up when they're intimate with a woman.

So the first thing I would say is it's not the woman's fault.

Right?

Like most of the time,

the men are experiencing some form of performance anxiety.

So it really would have nothing to do with the woman.

And it would be more just general how they feel during intimacy.

But a woman could make a man not feel safe.

That's how women, yeah.

I mean,

I have a feeling that you might be thinking, oh, is it because the man's not turned on?

You know, is it the woman's fault because she's not being sexy enough?

Or is it, it could be something like, actually, she's just not making him feel safe and comfortable.

And if it's a woman who you get the feeling like, if I don't get it up, she's going to be pissed.

Ah, but that would be horrible.

Yeah, no, that I agree.

If you get pissed,

or tell her friends, or you know, be on her phone, or like, oh my god, yeah, no, tell her friends would be really mean.

And I do think being pissed at the guy would be really mean.

I, I, I mean, you don't want to embarrass anybody, right?

Because it's like the most vulnerable, intimate moment that two people can have

exactly.

And that's why, you know, I was a little bit surprised surprised by your reaction because, but I do understand

when a man is vulnerable with a woman and she accepts him and says, oh, I get nervous too before sex and I really like you and I want to make sure that it's good too.

This can really like clear the air.

They're like, oh, he's nervous just because he really likes me and cares about me and wants it to be good.

Not because he thinks he's so bad at it.

You know, so this could be a way where a woman could comfort him and say, hey, of course, it doesn't matter.

That's not like why I'm with you.

But these are the ways we can have really good sex together and maybe open up communication, understand each other's desires, wants, needs.

You know, some men like it in a different way than others.

I think these things

come with time, right?

Because it's a big difference between having sex like the first time, and then, yeah, if you have a partner, that's the nice thing about having sex with the same person because then you develop the intimacy that you feel more and more comfortable telling that person what you like and what makes you comfortable and your dreams and your fantasies.

And that's what makes sex better and better and better.

At least for me, this is one of the main reasons why I don't do casual sex.

Not because I don't like sex, because I love sex and I miss sex when I'm not in a relationship, but I don't like the superficial, you know, first-time sex with someone that you don't really know them that well.

And you're not going to tell everything you like to the person on the first time, right?

I think intimacy takes time, correct?

Well,

if I'm going to have sex with someone for the first time, I will have that conversation.

What are your likes?

What are your dislikes?

Oh, really?

To make sure

that we're both going to get what we want and that we're both

excited and happy.

So you would have have like a sex conversation before having sex if you're dating someone

that's interesting how do you approach that because i'm sure a lot of people out there would like to do that i'm one but how do you approach it do you think it's because the man i never dated a guy that was that clear like that we would talk about specific things that we would do in bed or what we liked is there a way to bring up this conversation without making it awkward

Yeah, I mean, obviously, I have an in, I'm a sex coach, so women I'm dating are immediately like, tell me everything about that.

And then, you know, being comfortable talking about sex, I think,

is an important part of it.

And a lot of men and a lot of women are not comfortable.

I agree.

So if you can be that person in the relationship, whether you're the man or the woman,

it can be a huge entry point into having a more comfortable, more open, more intimate connection the first time.

Because if you have a sex conversation at dinner, you know, this isn't a conversation that I would have like in bed where there's pressure to then like try to do it.

It's more like dinner conversation.

If I'm on a date,

then that's when I would talk about sex.

But okay, in our case, like you said, it's a little different.

It's It's the same with me.

Because I do the podcast about sex,

usually all kinds of men that I meet, they immediately want to talk about sex.

But for people out there that don't work with anything related to sex, and they're on a date and they think, huh, this might be a fun approach.

Maybe I'm going to talk to this girl that I'm dating before I go to bed and ask about it.

Do you have any tricks how they can bring it up?

Because you know how women are.

I mean, I'm a woman, but women, at least in the United States, in general, they're very uptight when it comes to talking about sex.

Very uptight.

I think it's hilarious.

It's a culture that they're brought up thinking that sex is like a bad word.

It's a dirty word.

You know, don't talk about it.

If you talk about it, you're a whore.

So I'm thinking if a guy out there is listening and he decides to bring it up during dinner to the girl that he's been dating, that she might take it the wrong way.

You know, like, oh my God, I can't believe this guy is talking to me about what he wants to do in bed so it's like a it's a it's sensitive territory right

yeah and I think it's really important to get clear on what you're looking for in a partner before you go out dating because if I went on a date and I started asking about sex like very gently and like hey you know

are

about their connection to their pleasure or do they think sex is important and

and they're like, whoa, I don't talk about sex,

then clearly that's not a good match for me.

You know, that's I want to be with women who are very open sexually and who have experiences and

you know can have orgasms and not women who are like you kind of described before really uptight, don't want to talk about it, maybe

you know, likely don't have that great of sexual experiences.

Yeah, so I think that can be a bit of a qualifier too.

But not for you, like for a guy out there listening to us.

Because I have a bunch of friends that send me this question.

Like, how do I approach the girl?

How do I know that it's the right time to have sex without offending her, you know, without crossing the boundaries?

Do you have any suggestions?

How do you even bring it up?

Well, I would say there seems to be this pattern that I think actually has become pressure for women is like if you make it to two or three dates or something that there's this maybe an expectation that it's time to sleep with someone

so I think removing that pressure and instead of it being this unknown unwritten rule then to just actually speak about it

so I would just share, you know, I'm extremely attracted to you.

Like, I would love to be intimate with you I would love to learn more about your desires your wants your needs what attracts you

you know things like this in my experience because I also date women who aren't very sexually open and who really struggle to talk about these things

but they can start to open up when it's a very calm and open, non-pressurized situation where you're at at coffee or dinner and you're just like hey I would love to talk about this and and get your thoughts and understand what you like and what you don't like it doesn't have to be hey do you want to do doggy style today like I'm not saying that at all I hear you I'm saying

you know how do you like to be touched how do you like to be kissed what what

What are your turn-ons, you know, so I can support you in those things.

I really like this idea, like a little bit of an organic approach.

And I do agree with you.

I think it's so important to talk about it.

And this is what I keep constantly saying on my podcast.

I think if people were a little more open in communicating about sex, maybe it wouldn't be such a taboo, right?

Yeah, and I mean, in my dating experience, I'm very direct and very intentional.

And I think that's a word that I want men to really understand,

whoever is listening.

Because there's a big difference between wanting to sleep with someone and wanting to date someone.

Yes.

And this is where men and women get into trouble, is when there's this ambiguity and they're like, oh, we've been on a couple dates.

I don't know if I like him.

He doesn't know if he likes me.

Let's just sleep together.

and see what happens.

And I think that's where a lot of people can get hurt.

And instead of just kind of rolling the dice and going with the flow, to me, it's more, I'm going to know after the first date or really 10 minutes if it's someone who I want to sleep with or someone who I want to try and date or someone who I don't want to, you know, do anything intimate with at all.

Yeah, no, I agree with you, but this is the problem.

A lot of men, and I'm not saying all men, but I've been doing this podcast for almost three years.

I talk to dozens and dozens of people.

I get thousands of messages.

Most men or a lot of men lie.

Like they will tell you, oh yes, I want a relationship.

Oh my God, yes, I want a girlfriend, la la la la la.

But they really, their goal is literally, I want to get that girl to bed.

Once I have sex with that girl, that's it.

So I understand what you're saying, but is there any clue?

Like, how do we even know the guy that wants to date and the guy that just wants to fuck?

Yeah, I mean, to me, I think it's the most obvious thing in the world.

You think?

You need to have some discernment where,

you know,

I know when people lie to me.

Really?

You know?

Yeah, if someone said, if a woman said, oh, I'm really looking for a relationship right now.

And then I start asking more questions.

Oh, when was your last relationship?

Actually, I'm heartbroken.

I broke up with a guy one month ago.

I still love him.

She's not ready for a relationship.

Right, right.

I agree.

I agree.

I immediately, my intentions change.

And I say, okay, I'm more than likely not willing to engage with a woman who's still

wrapped up in another relationship.

So I'll be honest and upfront and say, hey, based on your situation, it's clear you're still interested in your ex, or, you know, that

that chapter's not closed, that I would only be interested in you know physical connection i hear you

it's up to her to decide if that's something she's interested or not

yeah i don't know i think like i said you know it's harder being a woman because

like i said men will literally i know because it happens to all my girlfriends it has happened to me before and i wish i had a dollar for every time a girl sends me a message saying the same thing the guys literally look you in the eyes and they say i want to date you i want a girlfriend i'm ready for a relationship.

La la la la la.

And the minute they fuck you, like, it's almost like a trophy or something on to the next.

And it happens so many times to girls out there that it's like, you know, kind of like heartbreaking, you know, because it's nice to trust who you're dating.

But I don't know how, I don't know if we can, like you said, I guess you got to follow your gut on this one.

I think it's more, ask more questions.

Yeah.

Like, when is that happening?

Is that because because you're meeting someone out in a club when you're having some drinks like

i can see that happening when you're out yeah you know

the guy's drunk he's like i love you i want to marry you you know he'll say anything to try and sleep with you you know that to me isn't a very good time to try and meet someone totally i agree i agree um we're gonna take a two-minute break when when we come back i we're gonna talk about what happens when things don't go that well in the bedroom let's take it to bed but I also want you to answer this one question a lot of

dating matchmaker experts famous dating coaches that I've interviewed for my podcast they say that basically women should withhold sex period not have sex on the third date not have sex on the fourth date wait wait wait and wait until the guy actually says okay fine we are in a committed monogamous relationship.

It's a very controversial opinion.

I personally don't agree with it.

I think, like one of my guy friends said, that's holding the vagina hostage.

But I really want your opinion.

But hold that thought.

We're going to come back in two minutes.

This is a really fun Carol de Lou's talk about sex with Alex Grandi.

We'll be right back.

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Okay, we're back with Alex Grandi, and we were just talking now during the two-minute break.

It makes me a little sad, but it's a fact that most men are embarrassed talking about it and asking for help, right, Alex?

Yeah.

And I think

it's a huge source of shame and guilt.

And it's just something that they try to pretend, and the ego gets in the way and they say, hey, I'm great at sex.

Or, you know, they won't talk about it at all.

I think I'm not a guy, but I think most guys, like, the ego is very, very related to how their dick works.

Is that the case?

Do you agree or not?

I don't know exactly what you mean by that.

I mean, like, if

they perform really well and they always get it up and they have a hard, delicious dick and they hear it from women after woman after woman or from their partner, their ego is like in the sky.

They feel great about themselves.

And the same goes if they have problems in bed, then they start feeling like smaller and shittier and it affects their entire life.

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, I wouldn't call that ego.

I would call that confidence.

Yeah, that should be.

So men who are not having any issues, they have nothing to worry about.

You know, they're not thinking, oh, am I going to mess this up?

They're just like, I'm fine.

So they're not experiencing performance anxiety.

Whereas the men who are less confident and worry and are anxious, they're digging themselves into a hole.

Yeah.

So, okay, let's move forward.

The guy,

we were talking about you're on a date, you're going to have sex with a girl the first time.

so they go to bed for whatever reason.

They cannot perform, they cannot get hard, or like you said, they come really fast, which is something that happens to a lot of guys.

Like, they can't contain the excitement, and poofed.

Okay,

what is the first step that you do in this situation?

A lot of guys send that question.

Like, don't tell me about getting therapy because this is after.

They are literally asking you if you have any suggestions when they're right there in that situation.

Like, oops, what do I do?

Do I put my pants on and leave?

Do I keep going?

Do I try to pleasure her?

Do I apologize?

They're like lost in the situation.

Yeah, that's a really good question.

I think

it's not easy and it's not black and white, but I encourage men to be as honest and open as possible.

You're not going to hide it.

You know, a lot of men think, oh, maybe I'll just like keep going and try to hide it.

And to me, it's like, just be clear and open and honest.

And be like, oh, wow, like that was that was quicker than I wanted it to be.

You know, maybe not like apologize crazy, but just like, wow, that's not how I wanted it to go.

Like, and maybe say, whatever works for you, right?

Some guys say, hey, in 15 minutes or in 10 minutes after the refractory period, like, I'll be good to go again.

So the biggest thing is, like, don't be sitting in shame.

Don't be so embarrassed.

It's so normal.

It's so normal to have performance anxiety.

It's so normal for this to happen.

So it's not the worst thing in the world.

It happens to every guy.

Do you think it happens

at some point in their life?

Uh-huh.

Okay, now

I think it's a bad idea to like put your pants on and and leave.

Like, oh my god, let's go do something else, let's get out of here, right?

I think

when I get this question, and I don't like answering because I'm not an expert, but girls send me this question all the time, like, oh, you know, the guy couldn't get it up, and he just put his pants on and said, Oh, let's go watch a movie or something.

He left me there hanging, and I was so horny.

I think, even if you cannot get hard, you could still kiss the woman, you could still pleasure her with your hands, you could still do a little something just to finalize it.

Do you agree or not?

It just depends, right?

If it's erectile dysfunction and you just never got it up, I think absolutely you can focus on pleasuring her.

And, you know,

what I find is, and this goes back to your question before, like, is it sometimes the woman's fault?

And when I talk about safety, sometimes women can be, if it's more of a masculine woman, maybe just like try to grab at it and like really, you know, are

really quick in their approach, and they're like, you know, give me that penis, and like, I want you to fuck me, and they're very forceful.

Whereas sometimes men just need to like have that space and have it be more of a tease and more drawn out.

And actually, what can happen is if it's like rushed in and there's pressure, then it can be like, all right, nothing's happening.

But then, if you actually slow down and connect and start kissing or start slowly you know being intimate then it's like oh I wasn't thinking about it and now I have an interaction totally so I think taking that pause and actually just focusing on connecting is the most important thing because a lot of men just think

Why isn't my dick hard?

They're just trying to control their penis with their brains

instead of actually being in their bodies.

Totally, I agree.

And we notice that's the thing, too, that I have to say to guys: if the guy is like tense, right, and nervous, and we notice if he's into the sex, like organically letting things flow, or if he's thinking about like, you know, looking at his dick.

And a lot of guys start like literally like jerking off, try to make it hard, you know.

And I, most women notice, like, oh my god, this guy is really forcing the situation, and he makes everything worse.

Yeah, I totally agree.

And

to your previous question, I think if you're going to be intimate with a woman and you feel extreme anxiety and pressure, don't do it.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

Calm down first.

I completely agree.

And no, it's not the right time.

That's not when you're going to be able to feel pleasure.

It's not going to be enjoyable.

Yeah, I completely agree.

Now, how about when the guy comes super fast?

It happens.

I don't think it's a big deal at all.

I honestly think some men make a much bigger deal than it is.

I've had partners that they keep saying, like, oh, I don't want to come because I want you to come again.

I want you to come again.

I want you.

And when I'm with my guy, that I really, if I really like him, I don't care if you come in one second, 10 minutes, 30 minutes, because I'm not selfish.

I want my guy to have pleasure too.

But again, I think most men put so much pressure in their heads about, I gotta wait, I gotta wait.

It must be awful.

Like, because for women, I don't know for other women, if I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come.

I can't wait.

And I just do it.

And usually my guy loves it.

But how, what do you tell men?

Like, if you came too fast, no big deal, right?

What would you say to them if they think like this is such a problem?

Well, I will say that men think it's a much bigger issue than women do.

Yep.

But it can be very real in the sense that they had a really traumatic experience with one woman where she made him feel really,

you know, really bad about it and he got really embarrassed.

So that same fear carries.

And they think, oh, I'm going to get

completely embarrassed again.

And I really don't want that to happen.

But like you said, I mean, some women think it it's like validation, like, oh, I'm so hot that he you know came too quick and I actually kind of like that

Some women prefer that to a man not being able to ejaculate at all.

Yeah, so that's the next question.

How about the opposite?

Yeah, that that's still another form of performance anxiety where you're trying so hard to ejaculate because you feel the pressure to ejaculate that you can't.

And you're just stuck in your head trying trying to will yourself to ejaculate instead of connecting to your body, enjoying the pleasure, and allowing the ejaculation to happen.

And again, do you think that can be?

Because I know a lot of women saying things, they're like, oh my god, it's my fault.

It's my fault.

I can't make the guy come.

I can't make the guy come.

Do you think it could be the girl's fault, or it's usually in the guy's head?

So,

from my experience of having this prolonged ejaculation, it was always my issue.

I had this belief, like it happened once, and it was usually in condoms, and I was like,

if I have sex in a condom, I'm not going to be able to come, is the limiting belief that I had.

So it had nothing to do with the woman at that point.

But one partner in particular put a lot of pressure on me.

Why aren't you coming?

It wasn't, how can we do this together?

How can I support you?

It was like, what are you, why are you doing this to me?

And it felt because she,

but I understand, she was taking it personally.

She thought she wasn't attractive enough for me, and that's why it was happening.

But yeah, that pressure and that anxiety from her end also affected me.

Yeah, I think in this situation, probably, I don't know if you agree with me or not, communication is key.

Like with me, me and my ex-boyfriend, I love having sex in the morning.

I love, love, love it in the morning, like in the middle of the night.

And he's not a big like morning sex, but he would do it for me to make me happy.

And I noticed in the beginning, many times he couldn't come.

He couldn't come.

So, like, the first few times I was like, huh, am I doing something wrong?

And then one day he told me, like, usually a lot of men, like in the morning, they're already thinking about work, emails.

Oh my God, you know, I gotta do the.

And so his mind wasn't 100% hundred percent there.

And then the day we talked about it, and he explained to me, He said, No, I still want to do it for you because you love it, but my mind is somewhere else.

Then I kind of relaxed, and then he relaxed.

And then it's just a suggestion: like, maybe instead of doing, like you said, like your girl said to you, Why are you doing this to me?

Maybe approach the conversation like

right, like a middle ground to both of you, right?

Communication is always the answer when it comes to sex.

Just understanding exactly what's going on for each person will 100%

allow you to understand and connect better.

So, when it comes to what you just shared about in the morning, it's like he was doing it for you.

It doesn't mean he didn't want to.

Right, right.

He wasn't in the mood.

He's already thinking about work.

So, if he tries to do it anyway,

that's it's not,

I consider that allowing.

He's allowing in sex.

Yeah, I'll do it.

Okay, let's do it.

But he doesn't truly want to do it.

So his head is somewhere else.

He's going to be disconnected.

But it's okay too, right?

I mean, sometimes allowing something that is important to your partner is a part of the, it's a part of being in a relationship and making the other person happy, right?

Not in my opinion.

You know, I think if I'm forcing sex when I don't want to, it's going to actually hurt the relationship in the long run because we're not going to have as good of sex.

It's going to be disconnected.

I'm not going to enjoy it.

So I think it kind of can ruin the sacredness of sex.

But if you said, hey, I love morning sex, and I'm like,

I don't.

I would still pleasure you.

You know, I would say, hey, let's make this morning about you.

Right.

Give oral sex or use my hands, take care of of you there you go and then go to work that's what i meant yeah like you you find a common ground like a middle middle of the road that makes both people happy a hundred percent like

because then the man doesn't need to perform there you go yeah i think it takes guys need to take the pressure right off of their head

100 in terms of performance

zero pressure so if he feels like oh she wants to have sex again it's the morning you know, I need to try and like get up for this,

then that's going to lead to problems.

Like, it's never going to go the way that you want it to, unless he's really truly like letting go and surrendering into it and

wants it.

Like, to me, it has to be yes.

Like, fuck yes, I want to have sex right now.

Not like,

yeah, sure.

You know, like, I think if it's yeah, sure,

there's other ways.

Totally agree with the pants or a pressure.

Yes, yes.

Listen, I'm actually pretty tired, but I would love to give you pleasure, you know?

And that works as well.

Like, if the guy came too fast, a lot of girls send me this message.

Oh, you know, he just puts his pants on and leaves the bed.

If they can get it up or if they confess, instead, it's probably a good idea, like, to pleasure your partner with your hands, with your mouth, whatever, right with a vibrator even

you know i i think that i i feel i feel for those guys because they're not leaving because they're mean they're leaving because they're in so much shame and guilt that they just want to run away and they can't face it but i do think that the best course of action would be to just sit with it and like share like hey you know i got really nervous or whatever it was

but you know i would love to try again or I would love to pleasure you how do you like to be touched what can I do for you right now yeah a hundred percent I think it's important to reciprocate and

give that back to your partner totally and going back a little bit before the next question going back a little bit to the communications situation they were saying that it's so crucial I actually think communicating and talking about sex and the things that you want to do and how you can get better in the bedroom is major foreplay.

Like even before you're doing it, do you agree?

Yeah,

this is what I was talking about earlier.

Like I'll be on a first date, you know, having tea or whatever, going for a walk.

And this is going to be part of the topic of conversation.

You know, I'm going to say, like, oh, like, tell me a little bit about your sex life.

Do you feel comfortable sharing?

about, you know,

your relationship with your pleasure.

You know, I'm interested to know if women touch themselves I think that that's it's a really interesting indicator sometimes of how connected they are to their pleasure yep or if and I don't know if a woman says like oh I don't do that you know yeah or I never do or I never have you know you'd be surprised how many women literally have never

touched themselves I know and Most of those women have never had an orgasm yet.

I know.

When I started doing this podcast, honestly, I was shocked when I started asking girls about vibrators and sex toys.

And so many women literally were shocked.

Like, what do you mean you have vibrators?

What?

And I'm like, what?

I was, Alex, I was blown out of my mind.

Like, I was like, are you girls serious?

If you're not in a relationship or if you're not having sex every night and you're not pleasuring yourself, you're not having orgasms, you think you don't have like a vibrator.

I was really shocked how many grown women were embarrassed, even talking about it.

It's unbelievable.

It just goes to show you how humans are so disconnected from their pleasure.

Not just men, not just women, everyone.

Yeah, it's incredible.

So, this is a question

about vibrators.

It's still a major taboo for a lot of guys to bring sex toys in bed with their partners.

A lot of men say, Oh, it means she likes the vibrator more than she likes my dick.

Oh, what if it's bigger than my dick?

What if you end up enjoying it more than my dick?

And most women love having sex toys in bed, not to replace the partners, just to make things more fun, to spice it up, right?

So, what would you say to these guys that think it's such a taboo?

And

any suggestions how they would try it out?

Yeah, I think this is this goes to that ego side of men that they want to be the one

in control or responsible for all of the pleasure.

They don't want it to be from any other external source.

I would say, firstly, men, stop comparing yourselves to sex toys.

Your penis is never going to be the same as a dildo or a vibrator and whether it's bigger or smaller, like no matter what, it's gonna feel different.

You can't replace a penis.

Yes, exactly.

1 million percent.

I agree with you.

I personally think it's so fun to add toys because my penis can't do things that those toys can do.

You know, so to be able to add that element, it's still like,

again, I've had partners share with me, it's really nice to use a dildo or certain things, but it, but it's not a penis.

You know, a penis feels better or it feels more intimate, it feels more connected.

It's not like a glass wand.

No, and it's just a toy, right?

It's a toy, and sex is supposed to be spicy and fun and exciting.

So, if there are a bunch of guys out there, I know they are, listening to us, and they're like, okay, maybe I'll give this a whirl.

How do you suggest, like, do they make a suggestion to the girl, let's go to a sex store together and explore together?

Or do they buy something and bring it?

How do they get started if they never tried it?

Yeah, I think it's a beautiful thing if the man can lead on this subject.

And I think it would be best for it to come up in a casual conversation outside of the bedroom.

Be like, hey, are you open to

spicing things up in the bedroom a little bit more would you be open to trying some toys

you know are you interested in vibrators or dildos and and would you want to go maybe shopping together and see if there's anything we want to try yeah i think just really gently opening up that conversation i wouldn't come home with like a giant double-sided dildo and say hey want to try this like

i would make it a conversation that you kind of have together i love it i I agree.

I hope more guys just accept bringing toys to bed because it can be so much fun.

Now, the million-dollar question.

Like I said, a lot of matchmakers came to this show, a lot of dating experts, a lot of people.

And many of them say, don't have sex.

If you're dating a guy one, two, three, four, five dates, don't have sex with them.

Wait and wait and wait and make them wait.

One of these ladies said, wait three months.

The other one, yeah the other one said wait six months withhold withhold until the guy looks at you and says we are in a monogamous relationship you're my girlfriend we are dating exclusively make the guy wait now i've repeated my opinion over and over again i think it's absurd i think it's dated

my approach is do it when it feels right for you If you're dating two, three, four times and it's the time, just freaking do it.

If you trust the person, do it.

I want to know if I have chemistry with my guy.

Usually, I don't know if it's the fourth, the fifth, date, whatever.

I think this is ridiculous.

I honestly don't think I would ever be on a date for three, six months with a dude without going to the bedroom because I think it's a huge part of being in a relationship is finding out how your sexual chemistry is.

What is your opinion on that?

Do you think it's a good idea at all?

I mean, I think it depends on the person.

Someone might really love that.

For me personally, I want to know if we're going to have good sex before we're in a monogamous relationship.

So I'm not going to wait three months.

And recently, I was seeing someone who, you know,

we were taking it slow, and that was an intention.

And I think that can be really beautiful to say, hey, I don't want to rush into having sex.

I want it to happen when it's organic.

But to me, then it needs to feel like

I can't can't wait to have sex with you.

Yeah.

You know, like that tension is building.

Because as soon as that fades, it's like we're friends.

I agree.

I completely agree.

I love that.

Yeah, the sexual tension and building it up.

And then you finally kiss.

And if the kiss is great, you want a little more.

But yeah, like you said, it should be organic.

But I personally don't like this rule.

Like, oh, I'm going to make this guy wait because he's going to appreciate me more.

I personally don't like this.

Yeah, I think that's kind of BS and it's not like living your truth.

I think it's it's not being fully authentic.

It's like, oh, I read this in a magazine or like you know a matchmaker said it on a podcast so I'm following this rule.

It's like,

are you serious?

You know, like, what about what you want to do?

You know, what about what you feel?

Yeah.

Not just following some guidelines.

Totally.

Most men say that they don't like this kind of situation.

Like, oh, if I feel that you're playing me, if I feel that you're withholding sex, listen, I'm going to go and find somebody else who wants to, you know, not play these kinds of games with me.

Most men don't like that.

Yeah, it does.

What you're describing does sound like games and the weaponization of intimacy, which is not cool at all.

Like, I want someone to want to express themselves with me, who wants to have sex whenever that desire comes up not say oh I want to but I'm gonna wait another month like

no

love it so any messages to guys out there who are suffering from any kind of sexual dysfunction or who are embarrassed who want to talk about it who want to perform better

do you want to say anything to them what is your suggestion yeah first things first i just want to say that it's really normal to experience performance anxiety.

And for premature ejaculation, it can be up to 30 to 50 percent of men.

Wow.

It's really normal.

And most men think they're in this alone and that they're the only ones.

You're not alone.

And based on what we're taught in porn and popular culture, it would be weird if you didn't have performance anxiety, honestly.

So

my

suggestion and advice to you would be that

this isn't something that you need to worry about.

This isn't something that you need to freak out about.

It's very common and it's something you can get help for.

So, what I would also say is to not hide and not, you know, be in silence about this.

There are ways to get help.

There's a lot of men and coaches like myself who can support you through this process if you're willing to reach out and just, you know, ask for help.

Because for me, that's what it took.

Awesome.

You know,

letting go of that shame, letting go of that guilt and saying, hey, you know what?

I'm not that great at sex and I want to be better.

Yeah.

Awesome.

And to me, that

is confidence.

you know, in and in that vulnerability.

Instead of pretending like you're amazing at it, but you're really not,

there's a lot more merit in saying, hey, you know what?

I'm not that great at it now.

I want to be better and I want to commit myself to being good at this and then work on it.

Totally.

I love it.

How do people find you?

So the best way to find me would be at my website, superiorlovers.com.

Or you can search for me on YouTube, AlexGrendy, and reach out or watch my free training on

performance anxiety.

And

if it resonates with you, then you can book a call with me and we can see if we're the right fit to work together.

I really appreciate it.

I'm gonna put your links on my Instagram with this video so you guys can see his face.

And yes, do reach out, do ask for help because I think having a healthy, happy, fulfilling sexual life is very, very important and it keeps us happy and younger, right?

Yeah, 100%.

And I think it's at the core of who we are as people.

And

what's that?

Yeah, no, I said yes, yes.

Yeah, no, it's it's just

we don't know how happy we can be until we reach our true sexual confidence.

That's what I truly believe, you know.

And once we have

satisfying sexual relationships, that's when we're like, oh, wow, okay.

This is what life is like.

Yeah, it totally changes.

I agree.

Thank you so much, Alex.

You're really amazing.

I appreciate it very, very much.

Thank you so much.

I had a lot of fun, and these were amazing questions.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate it.

Yeah, this was a fantastic cat on the loose.

And guys, if you have any more questions, Sandy, maybe we'll invite Alex to come back and answer more, because I try to cover as much as I could, and I still have like more than 20 questions that came unasked.

So hopefully you'll come back for another episode some other time.

Thank you, Alex.

I'll see you guys very soon.

Go have great sex.

Kisses, kisses.

Love you.