POD 2 POD WITH BEST SELLING AUTHOR JOSH BERGLAN - ADDICTIONS, ABUSE, STARTING OVER AND SO MUCH MORE

So, I just want to give you guys a little bit of a background before today's episode.

I met Joshua Berglin online,

and we decided to do this one episode for both my podcast and his podcast, which he distributes also in several platforms.

Joshua is much more than a producer, a show host,

and he's an international best-selling author.

His book, The Devil Inside Me, is very compelling, and I highly recommend the reading.

And his life is very rich.

He's been through hell and high water, and it's very refreshing and amazing how he's really open when talking about everything.

And that's totally my style for those of you guys that know me.

All of my work, my entire life, is about telling the truth, about empowering women, about starting over, that it's never too late, it's never too late late

to get out of any kind of unhappy relationship, certainly an abusive relationship.

So we had like a really long conversation.

I think it's the longest episode ever.

It's like a little over an hour, an hour, 20 minutes, but it's packed.

It's very intense with a little bit of his story, a little bit of my story.

And I hope you guys enjoy it.

And for anybody out there, if you are in any kind of a situation that you feel you need help, that you feel trapped for whatever reason, if you're being abused in any sort of way, shape or form, or just in general, if you are in any kind of an unhappy relationship.

I really, really hope that this episode encourages you to get out and start over.

It is never, ever, ever too late.

As long as we're alive and we're healthy, everybody has the right to seek a happier future.

So here it is, a wonderful episode.

with Joshua Berglund.

I have to tell you guys, I got really drained after that.

I kind of canceled my appointments.

I felt like very emotional, like I've been crying on and off all day because it's very cathartic talking about everything that I've been through.

But of course, it drains you emotionally.

But like I said on the episode, at the end of the day, if I send a message out there, if I feel I help even one person that is listening out there and inspire someone, I feel like I'm doing my job.

So I really hope you guys enjoy this episode and I really appreciate the feedback.

Much, much love.

I am so excited to have my new friend and somebody that,

man, I just got in reading your book, Kat, and I am absolutely floored.

I'm blown away by your entire story.

I mean, besides the fact that you do all of these amazing things in entertainment and

just in media, I admire all of that.

But after reading your book, I just, I want to give you a virtual hug.

Oh, thank you.

I appreciate it.

Likewise, I want to give you a virtual hug as well.

And I'm going to introduce you to my audience because we are doing not really a pod swap.

We're kind of doing, like, I said, a B2B or like a collaboration.

We are going to publish the same episode on my podcast and your podcast, right?

So, your name is Joshua Berglin.

And for those of my audience that doesn't know you, you are multi-talented.

You are a best-selling author.

You have your own broadcasting channels.

You do so much.

You have a non-profit media organization that we're going to talk about thank you for being here with us it's an honor oh i am honored uh to have you as well so this is cool so my audience is going to get to know you and you were going to be a breath fresh air for them yeah and i hope i can be a breath of fresh air for your audience awesome that's the idea so i mean i'm thinking because you there's so much going on when we talked before the podcast in your life in your work i'm thinking like okay how do we start because my podcast is about sex dating and relationships.

Other than being crazy, crazy talented, what I really loved about you when we talked about doing this podcast is that you're very open about your life and how you carry it.

Can you?

I didn't have a choice.

You didn't have a choice.

Can you give people like a little bit of the background, your story?

Oh, wow.

So in short, which is all of the details, I'll try to avoid most of the details.

They're all in the book, The Devil Inside Me.

But I grew up in an upper middle class home.

My mom was Mrs.

America.

My dad was a rock star, toured with Icon Tina and Jerry Lee Lewis.

Like on the surface,

we had it all going on vacations and going, we were members of the country club.

All of it was awesome, but that didn't mean that shit didn't happen behind the scenes.

In fact, I think that the worst thing that I ever did was learn to lie.

And I did a lot of bad stuff.

Other than being physically abused, I would say that being molested by men and women

at an early age and going into my teen years, and then of course being raped as an adult from, well, that's my fault because I took too many drugs.

That caused a lot of confusion inside of me.

Now, to be honest with you, When I think back about what happened to me before being molested, I often wonder if I attracted that in my life.

I know that sounds wild, but I'm pretty sure that my sexuality was already pretty much set, or who I was was there before I was molested by guys and women.

But the part that became so confusing, even though I didn't know what was happening to me when I was being raped, and I didn't really understand it, didn't really know any, like, okay, what is this?

This is a penis, and okay, this hurts like hell.

Why is this happening to me?

And yet at the same time, it also felt good, which is kind of a mind-eff.

Wow, that's heavy stuff.

So, let me interrupt you for one second.

So, because I know a little bit about you because we talked before, but like just to put this in context for people that don't know you, you are a bisexual man.

Is that how you categorize yourself?

I wouldn't put it in anything in a box.

I would like to say fluid.

You're fluid.

Okay.

Here in LA, here in LA, a lot of my friends say, and I love the words, they say they're polyamorous, meaning they like different individuals regardless of what sex.

Oh, that's probably a better word.

That's probably a better word.

I'm really drawn to the energy of a person.

And of course,

I didn't, with growing up in the church and things like that, I immediately was shaming myself because of what happened.

That confusion raged war in my soul and my spirit throughout my entire life.

And it's only now,

after turning my life around six years ago, that I've come to peace with who I am with my faith and just being able to say

this is who I am I'm Joshua I hear you where did you grow up

but I also am attracted to you know other people and it's not all of them are the opposite sex totally I'm okay with that where did you grow up Josh

yeah she's there where did you grow up sorry

I was born in Oklahoma, but Los Angeles is home for me.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, no, because I was wondering, because I mean, Oklahoma is like very mainstream

America, like a lot less liberal than LA, right?

Yeah, but you would be surprised how big the LGBT community is there.

Really?

It's pretty shocking.

I used to see when I was in the shadow worlds doing everything in secret.

I hooked up with a couple pastors.

I'm not going to rat anyone out.

I'm just saying there's a lot of

down low LGBT community folk that haven't come out yet.

Did I lose you?

I am so sorry.

No, like my audience, I have like a 10-year-old little special needs dog.

Just so you guys know what's going on.

Yeah, and my pet sitter was supposed to come this morning and get both my dogs so I can do this podcast in peace, and she didn't show up.

And usually they sleep, but he's crying and crying and crying.

And it's really cold here, so I'm wondering if he's like in pain or something.

So I apologize.

It's okay.

Our cats may break in.

Yeah.

Somebody abandoned this little angel on the streets to die like two years ago.

What a beautiful dog.

I know I could murder this person.

So I apologize for the interpretation.

It's okay.

Yeah, no, you were talking about Oklahoma and how you grew up.

But you know, it's funny that you're saying that because, yeah, many times like the mainstream society, the smaller cities and everything, they're the biggest hypocrites when it comes to sex and relationships because they don't do anything out in the open.

They do it behind closed doors, right?

But the thing is, I think fear makes people hypocrites.

Because

the only reason why I wasn't open with who I was is because I was worried of judgment.

I was worried that

bad things were happening to me.

I was worried I was going to hell.

I was worried about all these things.

And fear is a freaking liar.

I mean, not to borrow from the song, but it really is.

It's a lie.

Most of the things that we're afraid of, 98% of it never even happens in the first place right but i'll tell you one thing

the one way to be invincible in this world this world that we live in even though truth is unpopular is to be honest oh yeah

saying about truth setting you free that's that's way deeper of a statement than most people realize because it doesn't just set you free

it also removes fear from you for one but the other part is Truth sets the other people in your life free.

I agree.

You're not a slave to your secrets anymore.

No, I know.

I completely agree.

and that's how I do all of my work.

And I talk about it over and over and over again on my podcast.

Most people, for some reason, they're afraid of being who they are.

And I always wonder why.

Why would you even, like, even for example, in the dating world, like in dating apps, right?

People put filters and women lie about their ages and this.

And I'm thinking, why in the world would you even want to start something with someone based on it?

Must be so much work to to start anything based on a lie right it must i mean i would be exhausted i can barely remember my own life can you imagine trying to memorize lies all the time

these filter the filters remind me of bait and switch and i used to hire a lot of hookers because hookers and cocaine was were part of my advice

and there was and there was a term in that in that world it's called bait and switch when you think you're hiring one person and you get another

there you go.

And I got some crazy stories with that, but that said, these filters that people are doing, it's worse than stuffing your bra.

I know.

It's like really

lie.

1 million percent.

So let's rewind because your story is very, very rich.

I want to know a little more about it.

So

you grew up, you were abused, you said that's that's really heavy.

And then you said you were in this life of drugs and

this chaos.

Oh,

the very first time I tried cocaine, well, actually, it was ecstasy, which then followed with cocaine and meth and ketamine and every other drug under the sun.

But I also,

my first time trying drugs was also at the same time I experienced my first orgy.

Wow.

How old were you?

How old were you?

18.

Wow, that's cool.

And you were in LA?

No, that was in actually Daytona Beach, Florida.

I was in College Cheerleading National.

Oh, my God.

And I tried ecstasy the first time during the day.

And anyone who's eaten ecstasy knows these words.

Hey, try this.

It'll bring your roll back.

Bring your roll.

Here it is.

I'm eating Ecstasy Academy.

Every drug that I could find.

It was the first time I'd been to Florida.

And here it is.

I'm now in an orgy and I'm experiencing sexual pleasure that I've never experienced before between men, women, and sometimes I wasn't really sure.

And drugs.

So I became a chem sex addict nearly immediately because the biggest part about this for me was that the nightmares in my head of being molested by those two guys when I was young, and that immediately became a fantasy.

Wow.

So all the things that hurt me in the past became sexual fantasies.

And in some weird way, I reframed the pain that I felt.

And now it was all pleasure.

But the only way to access that was drugs and sex.

Oh my god.

And how so how long were you living this life and how were you supporting yourself?

I was really good at making money

and made a lot of money then.

I carried that on for almost 20 years.

Making money, do you mind telling us how?

What were you doing?

Well, that's a good question.

So I made a lot of money in healthcare.

I was very good at what I did in healthcare.

And then after selling that company,

I ended up with a skincare line.

But really,

at the early,

before all of that, one of the ways that I subsidized my drug habit, because when I was working in healthcare, I was making good money, but not enough to do what I was doing because I had moved to South Beach and I was living in South Florida for a while.

And you know,

it's not cheap there.

No, yeah, I did cheap.

So I started prostituting myself.

Wow.

And how it happened, it was kind of a really crazy story.

But I went to one of those porn theaters where you can, they have these little booths and theaters, and couples and men go.

It's a lot of gay men, but there are couples that go too.

And they have these booths.

And so in this booth, it's relatively open.

I'm watching a movie and I'm pleasuring myself.

And next thing I know, this older gentleman comes up and just drops on his knees and starts performing oral sex on me.

And as soon as I come,

next thing I know, he puts $100 in my pocket.

And I'm like, what the heck?

So then we go outside and he says to me, hey, I'd love to see you again.

I've got a great house.

I'd love to have you come over.

I'm going to the Olympics.

It was when the Olympics were in Sydney, Australia.

And so that's the time stamp.

What a story.

And that is how I got into prostituting myself.

You know, I admire how open you are.

to talk about it.

I really, really admire that because these are stories that I think are important to tell because it happens to so many teenagers, young adults out there, right?

But most people just hide it under the covers, really.

They never even tell their lifetime partners that once in a

way

before this happened to them.

And that's how you develop a serial cheater, which I was.

Right.

There's a chapter called Cheater

in the book, The Devil Inside Me.

And

because I was so afraid,

I had to, I found refuge in prostitutes.

Wow.

And because I knew that they wouldn't judge me.

And I started to become friends with escorts and massage girls and

hanging out with their kids and stuff like that.

But it's the only place I felt safe.

I didn't feel safe with my own wife.

My very first marriage,

and I've been married a few times.

How many can you share?

How many can you share?

Four.

Jessica's my fourth marriage.

Four.

The third marriage, I didn't know her.

That's a little story.

The first marriage, I found out that I had a three and a half-year-old daughter.

I was scared to death about being a father.

I was actually living in Boca Rutong, Florida at the time, a place that you know.

Yes.

That's where I met my husband.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Wow.

But I remember the night of our wedding reception, I got pretty drunk and I was hitting on the guy bartender because I couldn't help myself.

And on the way back, I was drunk enough to go to tell her about my sexual experiences with the men because I had never shared that with somebody that wasn't a prostitute before.

And she looked at me because I was desperate to tell the truth at this point in my life.

I mean, desperate because lying is not fun.

It's freaking exhausting.

Like I said, I don't even understand people that do it.

I see these people that are pathological liars.

I'm like, who the fuck has time for that?

Honestly, it's so draining, right?

It drains, it drains your energy.

It is, but I developed that habit and I was scared to death, but I was drunk enough to tell the truth.

And her words to me, I'll never forget.

She looked at me, she's driving, she goes, if I would have known that you were a faggot, I would have never married you in the first place.

And then immediately I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, I'm not gay.

I'm over that part of my life.

Blah, blah, blah.

And for the record, that scenario that happened of where I was saying, hey, I I won't do this anymore.

Or, hey,

I don't need that in my life anymore.

I think I told that to probably about 10 other women after that day.

I'm sure.

For marriages, to relationships, because you have to understand, I didn't want to be bisexual or into men, or I didn't want any of that.

It caused my life so much pain and so much hell.

But you got to understand, what I finally realized, All that pain and suffering that was happening, I was doing to myself because I was afraid to be honest.

I was

afraid that my mom wouldn't love me.

I was afraid I was going to hell.

I was afraid.

I don't think it's the sexuality that is the issue.

The issue is how you treat other people and how you try to hide it and live a double life and all this stuff, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's no blessing in lies, I promise you.

I agree.

So, how did you decide to turn your life around and say, I'm not going to kill myself doing drugs anymore?

I was in LA County.

The second time I was facing five years in prison.

Really?

Oh wow.

For domestic violence?

I'd been there six times.

Oh my God.

And this time there was two domestic violence charges and the second time that I was there, which I shouldn't have been there the sixth time in my opinion,

but I also should have been in prison for 30 years because of all the other stuff I did.

Holy shit.

But this one particular time I had a bug up my butt about, and I was facing five years and there was no way out of it.

And I remember when I walked in and I was going through the booking process, I told them that I had HIV, which I do, but I told them that I had HIV thinking it was going to give me special privileges.

And well, it didn't give me special privileges because they put me in isolation.

And I was in this really small cell.

I believe it was the psych ward.

I'm not sure, but I was in this cell, super small by myself, couldn't see out of it, couldn't see anywhere.

But I could hear the screams of crazy people non-stop.

Oh my God.

It took 24 24 hours for me to sober up enough off the cocaine and the tequila.

And I don't know if I had any meth that night, but to definitely

tequila.

Wow.

I sobered up enough to

realize that, oh my god, what have I done with my life?

Right.

And

I think sometimes it's the cheesy thing that people say, but it's true.

Sometimes you have to hit

rock bottom and almost die and be in hell to pull yourself out of it, right?

Well, I saw hell.

Sounds like it.

I also, I mean, I know that this is not a faith-based podcast or anything like that, but I would be remiss if I didn't say that when I started screaming and cursing at God about why he wouldn't fix me and change me,

God spoke back.

And he had very, very clear instructions.

And those clear instructions are what changed my life forever.

And of course, you all can read that in the book.

No, it's an incredible book.

And again, it's so nice and refreshing how you just like open up about everything.

Because I know, like, I always say when people read my book, or by the way, it's not being sold anymore.

It got pulled out of Amazon.

Long story, but yeah, I'll tell you the story later.

But anyways, I'm rewriting it.

But anyways,

there is always somebody with the story even worse than ours.

That's true.

Because, like, when I think about myself, I think, wow, I can't.

Sometimes I read back, I'm like, I cannot even believe I survived all the shit that I did.

But in my case, I never did drugs because I was never into drugs.

I don't know, you know, here and there I've dabbled, I've tried things, but I just don't, I don't, I just said it's not for me.

I never wanted to become an alcoholic because I was married to an alcoholic and my mom was an alcoholic.

So I was like, okay, I don't want to die like they did.

So for me, it was more like really just being abused and, you know, being mistreated and all this shit.

But when I read, and then of course, having to build my life over from scratch,

but when I read stories like yours, I'm like, holy fuck, that's a whole other level of rebuilding.

Because yeah,

when you're doing drugs, I was just finishing reading the

Matthew Perry book.

I don't know if you read it.

You know,

the actor?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, anyway, I'm going to do a parenthesis in a little bit about that because I saw him on Saturday and I was very worried about him, by the way.

But, anyways, when you're dealing with drug addiction, it's a whole other animal because it's not just saying, like you said, oh, I don't want to cheat anymore.

Drugs, you got to deal with the addiction.

And I think only people that do drugs and alcohol understand how hard that is.

And add sex to the mix.

And add sex to the mix.

So, do you think you are a sex addict as well?

Oh,

I am 100%

a recovering chem sex addict.

There is no,

it's beyond sex.

It's beyond drugs.

It's chem sex.

Alcohol was just an excuse to get me to the drugs, but alcohol I can get, I don't really even care for.

But I love the way cocaine.

I'm going to use present tense because I would be lying if it was different.

I love.

the way that cocaine makes me feel right.

No, I agree.

I have tried.

I agree.

I have tried cocaine before with some guy that I was dating right around the time I got divorced from Anthony, and I got scared.

I got really, really scared, especially in Miami.

It's like fresh, fresh, pure cocaine from Colombia.

And I am a person, I like highs.

Like everything I do is daredevil.

Like if I'm going to go ski, I'm going to like

jump from the highest mount.

I love speed.

I love crazy.

So when I tried cocaine, I was like, okay, this is not for me because I'm going to die.

I'm literally going to die.

So I decided I never want to do it again.

So I, but I completely understand what you're saying.

Yes, 1 million percent.

Yeah,

that was a demon that even after turning my life around, that any because I, when I, when I celebrated and I was happy, it was let's go get cocaine.

And then it would turn into sex.

If it was, I'm having a bad day, it was give me cocaine or meth.

Or, you know what I mean?

It just, yeah.

For every emotion that I had,

that was the medicine and the recipe for it.

Oh, I hear you.

Sex.

And by the way, before we talk about how you dig yourself out of that hole,

a lot of people that

I want to know your opinion, but usually men, when they're doing cocaine, they can't even perform.

They can't get it up.

They can't get hard.

Because cocaine affects the body.

Was that the case with you?

So it depends.

Sometimes yes, of course, and sometimes no.

When I switched switched to math, I didn't care because I was what they would call, well, I was a whore.

I was a bottom whore.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

To say the least, I couldn't, my sex and drug binges were like four days long, three days long, and just insanity.

And

I mean, it's nothing that I'm proud of, and it's obviously nothing that gets me, it doesn't turn me on.

Like, there's that's not sexy at all.

There's like I've found peace with my sexuality and a new thing that's sexy, but I don't have this uncontrollable demonic craving

and almost bloodlust.

Like,

I was the Jeffrey Dahmer of sex addicts, and not that I killed, it wasn't like a killer, but I was killing myself with sex.

I hear you.

Killing myself with sex and drugs.

And then hurting other people too.

Of course.

To go with it.

That's one interesting thing.

Yeah.

Usually addicts don't even understand it.

That was my case.

They don't understand that they're hurting the people and killing the people with them in the process because because it's such a selfish habit.

Any addiction, it's all about you.

It's all about you.

If it's alcohol, drugs doesn't matter.

You're only thinking about yourself.

You only think about the craving.

And I remember during my entire marriage, I used to look at my husband and say, You know, you love me.

You're going to stop drinking from me.

And that's such bullshit because the addiction is so above any other love that they might feel.

But they are oblivious to the fact that the person near them is dying with them or being destroyed in in the process, right?

Yeah, and then your family, like I was talking about, the Vegas situation.

Yes, it was, it was

gosh, yeah, like that effect, it affected it, that trickled over into all areas of your life.

Oh, yeah, yeah, 1 million percent.

But you fell in love with the man that you saw when he was sober.

Yeah.

And so, just like all the women that tried to love me and try to rescue me and try to be there for me,

I wasn't having any of that.

They were there because they were enabling me and they went along with what I was doing.

Yeah.

And, and, and,

but it was selfish.

There was nothing about what I was doing and how I was and what I was about that was anything of love.

Right.

It was feeding the demon inside of me.

No, I absolutely.

And now, knowing what I know, and I'm not an expert in addiction, but I think I'm almost an expert in alcoholism.

But this is what I say.

Nobody can save the addict.

You have to make that decision for yourself.

Do you agree?

that now looking back and I know so many women they they say the same thing that I say oh but I love him I'm gonna save him he's gonna stop drinking for me he's gonna stop doing drugs that is such bullshit it's like save yourself the person needs to make a decision like I want to live I want to survive

And luckily, it's your, unfortunately, it was in Anthony's case.

He decided he wanted to die.

It was a very clear choice that he made.

He said a million times, times, I want to die.

Luckily, in your case, something happened to you that you said, I want to get out of this hole, right?

So, can you tell people,

let's say, and hope somebody out there is going through the same, what is the toughest, toughest, toughest, first little step?

Like when you were in jail and you said, What am I doing with my life?

What is the first little step you would tell someone if they want to pull themselves out of this horrible dark hole of addiction?

addiction

oh god that's a tough one right well so for me it was with

i like honestly it was the realization

that i needed to forgive my father like i had been hanging on to all of this hatred and anger toward it towards him i showed up an hour late to his funeral because i was doing cocaine and having group sex up until 6 a.m.

Wow.

The funeral started at 8.

I showed up at 9.30.

Wow.

I hated him, hated it.

Hated everything about him.

But when I was screaming at God and cursing at God about why he wouldn't fix me and change me like everybody else that he had changed, I heard, you have to forgive your father.

In my words, well, how the fuck am I supposed to do that?

And then I heard, because it happened to him too.

Okay.

And so

when you hear,

Anyone

is molested or abused, if you don't go, ah, damn, I'm sorry.

Like, if you don't have that reaction, then you got, I mean,

I don't know if you're human.

So when I heard that and I realized that, and I was like, oh my God, that's true.

He was abused by his mom.

He's abused by his dad.

He was molested by, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And I'm like,

oh, God.

And then I realized I've been hating my dad all these years and I have become just like him, if not worse.

In fact, I knew I'd become worse.

So that gave me compassion, which allowed me to forgive.

And in that small amount of forgiveness, in that small amount of releasing something that I'd been hanging on to, there was enough light that was able to come in to start working on my heart.

That's very,

then I was able to ask for forgiveness for the things that I even knew myself needed forgiveness from.

And that was the start of the adventure because it became an adventure as soon as I got out of jail.

And I'm like, wow, I made all these promises when I was locked up.

Now I'm not in jail anymore.

Now what am I going to do?

But that's when the adventure started, but it started with forgiveness.

It started with compassion, then forgiveness.

I hear you.

But

I agree because, and I think it's a power move when somebody does something really bad and horrible to you.

If you are willing to even be nice to that person, like you said, forgive that person, it takes such a huge weight off of you.

And I do that, I live my life like that.

And a lot of people think I'm crazy.

Like, even if somebody's nasty to me, I'm extra nice to them because I think they need it even more.

And I know it's very tough to do that.

And a lot of people say, oh, but he was an asshole to me.

You know, he cheated on me.

But if you keep that anger inside you based on what somebody did to you, many times it ends up damaging your life.

Absolutely.

So I agree.

It's such a power, power move if you learn how to forgive and move on and just let go, no matter what it is.

Well, it's a bigger power move what you're talking about, because in the face of somebody, in the face of adversity, choosing to react with love or to be love in that situation,

that is a skill set that most people,

including faith-led people,

that's one of the toughest skills ever taught.

It is.

It is.

And I just decided for some reason it makes my life really light.

Really Really light.

Like, and you can try that.

You can notice in like small things.

Let's say, you know, road rage.

You know, like sometimes you're driving and the guy's like, fuck him.

Usually I stop and I'm like, I'm so sorry.

That's not.

And I open like this big smile and it disarms the person.

Like if somebody's trying to be nasty to you.

about anything if you respond and I know it's hard because we have blood but if you respond with kindness and a big smile most of the time it disarms their anger.

I mean, at least it works for me time and time and time again.

I learned a trick because I'm feisty and hot-blooded.

And aka I have a really bad temper that I work on every single day.

I heard something about three years ago when I was on set in LA.

And I heard them say this, and it stuck with me.

And I apply it to my life most of the time.

Most of the time.

Is when someone that you're dealing with and you know that it's confrontational or you know it could be, you prepare yourself to immediately think, I love you, before you respond.

So someone's coming at you, they're full of bad energy, whatever, they're being aggressive with you or maybe you made a mistake and you realize you're going to have to apologize.

Preparing yourself with I love you before you say anything else disarms yourself from reacting in a negative way and laughing out at someone else.

You can't say I love you, then say fuck yourself right after.

I don't say I love you, but like I said, I just at least that's my take on it.

99.9% of the time when somebody's really angry or attacking you or abusing you or hurting you, it's because there is something really horrible inside them.

Like you said, about your father.

So even like in the dating world, because this podcast about dating, I tell girls all the time: if a guy ghosts you, if a guy cheats on you, if a guy treats you like an asshole, I promise you, most of the time it has nothing to do with the woman, it has to do with something that they are dealing with, and they are not capable of appreciating what you're giving them.

So, the minute you realize that, you stop feeling bad about yourself and you feel bad about them, and then that's why it works for me.

Like when a guy treats me like shit

or breaks my heart or something, I'm like, well, I'm sure he's dealing with a lot of stuff right now.

So, I feel bad for him.

So, I release you from guilt of being an asshole to me

that's usually how i deal with it you know any words for me wait a second you're not keeping him around after that are you no usually i no i do not keep anybody around

because like i said you know i was in an abusive marriage for for 14 years 15 years

you know and i took care of anthony until he died so if you count those two other years of abuse

and i don't think anybody on the planet can understand what it is to to be taking care of an alcoholic in his final stages of life, drinking around the clock 24 hours a day with minor breaks for naps, falling on the floor, 240-pound man.

And literally, I almost died in the process.

I'm 117 pounds.

So I almost died in the process of taking care of him.

But I felt for whatever reason that that was what I was supposed to do.

And I feel good about doing it.

But yeah, so after i went through fe

and you've been through abuse after you go through 15 fucking years of abuse if i i made this decision if if anybody just it can be the tiniest thing if a guy calls me oh you're so stupid i am out the door

That's like one non-negotiable in my life.

I am, I refuse.

I think no form of verbal abuse is okay, period.

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Do you feel that the verbal abuse

was, it may not have been worse as far as in the moment, but how it stays with you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, same here.

Look, those words

were abusive stick to me.

It's like it burns me.

Oh, my God.

I think many times it

hurts more than physical abuse, like hurts more than a slap

because you start feeling like if somebody calls you a piece of shit, you're a fucking useless human being.

You're a whore, you're this, you're that, you fucking moron, you dumbass.

If the person repeats it over and over,

you start feeling like that.

You literally start believing, yeah, that's what I am.

I deserve that.

You're always going to be a fucking failure.

You're always going to be a fuck-up like your dad.

You're always going to be.

Yes.

I mean, I've been called AIDS Dick Faggot.

I've been called all of these names.

Yes.

And it hurts like hell.

That's the cool thing about it, though.

Yeah.

Once somebody knows their identity,

those words that are said, it's like, Yeah.

Should see me on the weekend.

I know.

Say what you want to say.

bring your best shot because I've not only said worse about myself, but I've also gotten it really, really bad.

That now that I know my identity, there's nothing you can say to me.

Exactly.

Exactly.

I agree.

It's really funny.

You say, yes, when you're going through abuse, it's so painful and it's so difficult to get out of it.

And I know so many women that go through the same that I go through.

Even like my neighbors,

they fight like a cat and a dog all the time.

And I hear the guy screaming and yelling at her and calling her names.

And it strikes a chord on me and it breaks my heart.

I'm like, I can't believe this girl is going through this.

Because he calls, like, you're a fucking idiot.

Get the fuck out.

Exactly like it used to happen to me.

But you're right.

Once you break the cycle,

nowadays there is nothing anybody could say to me that affects me.

I actually laugh.

If somebody offends me in any way, which is very, very rare,

but if somebody calls me a name or anything, I just laugh because I know who I am and I know my worth.

But it's just really, really difficult to break the cycle.

Yes, 1 million percent.

I want to talk to you about something.

It's my turn to ask you a question.

Yes, go for it and then we're going to take a two minute break.

Your story

reminds me of somebody that's very close to me.

I'm not going to specify because she will listen.

Sure.

But she

is in a situation where

she

meets somebody, they got the money, they got the success, they got all of that.

She gets pregnant

and now is stuck in a relationship.

I'll try to spare some of the details, but long story short,

she's being abused.

She's, well, it's worse than that.

But again, I want to be careful because I don't want to make it clear to you.

Yeah, sure, sure.

But she's in a situation where she's got no education.

She's got no background that you didn't have.

You have an education, you have that.

Yeah.

She doesn't have that.

But she is in a situation where she is dependent on a man because he has provided everything for her.

And she's now in a situation where she's stuck and she can't leave.

Or if she leaves, she's going to be homeless.

She's going to start from zero.

She doesn't have an education to build herself back up.

She doesn't have those skills.

I'm speaking to this because I know her story is like thousands, hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of other women out there.

it is it is what kind of advice do you have for women right now yeah that are stuck in an abusive relationship a controlling relationship whatever and they feel like yeah they have nowhere to go will you speak to that yeah like i said get the fuck out i don't believe in that like i have nowhere to go

you you're gonna end up dying nothing on this planet no money in the world no mansion in the world no man in the world is worth more than your well-being Life is insanely short.

Get the fuck out.

She doesn't have anywhere to go.

Apparently, she has relatives.

There are a million resources for abused women.

There are non-for-profits.

I actually help one called Dress for Success that aids women that were abused to get back into the workplace.

There is always a place to go.

You're going to be homeless.

Go be fucking homeless.

Go to a shelter.

Call a relative.

Call a friend.

Get the fuck out.

Because guess guess what?

Violence and abuse gets worse.

It gets worse and worse and worse and worse.

You have a child in the mix, you have an obligation to protect your child.

Honestly, most people don't get out.

Like my mom used to say to me,

shut the fuck up.

He has all this money.

What are you going to do with your life?

La la la la la.

That's bullshit.

Everybody has a chance to start over.

Everybody, as long as you're healthy, and like I said, she has you.

She must have friends.

It's hard to believe somebody is like completely alone in the world.

And even if you are, which by the way, I don't like saying that because I'm not a victim by any means.

Thank God I'm very healthy to work.

But I am completely alone in the world.

Completely.

I'm an orphan.

I lost my mom.

I lost Anthony.

I don't have siblings.

I don't have anybody on this planet.

I thought I had hundreds and hundreds of friends when I was a millionaire.

Every single one of them turned their back on me.

I begged and and begged and begged for jobs.

Not one person said, Sure cat, here come.

I'm not fucking kidding you.

Like one of my friends said to me, they buy popcorn and they sit on the front row to watch the misery.

Unfortunately, that's human nature.

They want to see you miserable.

But everybody has resources.

But if she's being abused, get the hell out.

Pack a bag, lie that you're going to go to the manicure, whatever the fuck, go away.

And then once you're safe,

there are even attorneys that work pro bono for abused women, you know?

Don't accept abuse, period.

That's my message to women and men out there.

Do not accept abuse.

It only gets worse.

Well, and I, something that we have some synergy on is our work in media.

And with that, like we, my wife and I have a nonprofit media organization,

and you work in media and you teach media and you have, so you're a resource.

Can you share just how empowering for you being in media has like all of the different options it's given you from for financial, uh, whether it's different revenue streams, opportunities?

Can you speak to that also?

Yeah, well, well, that's the thing.

Most people are not comfortable, right, working with media.

I am because I've been doing it my whole life.

You are too.

So, that's a tough one for most people.

Like, even speaking openly, the way you and I are, I know it's very, very tough for most people.

Most abuse victims don't want to tell that they're abused, right?

Usually it's like on the down low.

So I think it's important for people like us to give voice to other abuse victims.

When I do my podcast and I get messages from women, oh, thank you so much.

You gave me the courage to live an unhappy marriage or you gave me the courage to be happy and start over.

No, no, I feel even if I help one person, I feel, okay, maybe that's my message to the world.

That's my goal here in this life.

So, this is why I keep speaking up, speaking up, speaking up.

And when I meet somebody like you, and I meet a lot of interesting people like that on the podcast,

they're willing to talk about all kinds of subjects.

This is why I love doing it, like these organic conversations that give people the strength, right?

To just tell your story.

Tell your story.

This is what we were talking about in the beginning.

Lies just make your life so much more difficult.

And so many people, like you see a couple and you think they have this perfect marriage,

and then behind closed doors, they're fucking miserable assholes, just like showing off.

It must be such a tough life, like you said.

If you cannot be yourself, I'm sure.

Like, when I look at you today, if I knew nothing about you, I never would have known that you were going through so many tough things because you look good, you're handsome, you're light, your skin looks amazing, you look healthy.

Very, very likely because you're living your best life now, right?

Yeah, absolutely.

And it's the

there you go.

Yeah.

I wouldn't have it without truth, though.

Truth gave me what I wanted.

Exactly.

Everything that I wanted that I was too afraid to get, too afraid to ask for, too afraid to admit that I wanted.

Yes.

And like when I finally go, okay, this is really what I want.

This is who I am.

I got it.

Yeah.

I got the life that I always wanted to live.

Exactly.

And it's the same thing with me.

It's the same thing with me.

I was in this multi-million dollar mansions and private jets and hotels, nana, and purses and bangla, whatever.

I now have close to nothing.

The people that love me, they love me.

The men that want to date me, they know my reality.

They have to like me for me.

I'm starting over all my projects.

I work seven days a week, 15, 20 hours a day.

No shit.

It's the truth.

Just to pay my bills and support my dogs.

But guess what?

I've never been happier.

I've never been happier with so little.

I don't give a fuck about material things.

It's great to have them.

1 million percent.

Money is really important.

But I'm happy because I wake up light and happy and I tell my stories and I share stories with people.

And I think that's the message that I try to send to women out there.

Look less at

the material things that the guy is going to give you and more at,

you know, as cheesy as it is, love, physical affection, emotional support.

And so many girls, it's really sad because they're looking for sugar daddies.

They're looking for dudes to pay their bills.

And I'm telling you, you're selling yourself short if that's what you're doing.

Well, and you're selling yourself too.

Yeah, period.

I agree.

Wrap your head around that or not.

I agree.

And men look at it that way.

Like, in other words, I'm paying you, so I own your ass, and you're going to do what I say.

And if you don't do what I say, then I'm gonna make life very uncomfortable and unpleasant for you

because you're hooked on the money.

Yeah, it's really hard to walk away.

I know 1 million percent.

I need to take a two-minute break

for my lovely sponsors, and we'll be right back with Joshua.

I'm telling you, your life is so rich, and my life is very rich.

Thank goodness we could talk about this stuff for like 10 hours.

We'll be right back.

This is a super fun and very emotional, right?

Very powerful.

It's fun, but it's serious at the same time.

Episode, we'll be right back

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This is an emotionally draining but very important episode of Cat on the Luz slash Josh T.

Berglin podcast because we're going to publish the episode on both, right?

Yes.

Thank you for doing this with me.

Oh, I'm thank you.

I'm having fun.

And thank you for being so brave and telling your story.

So moving on and fasting forward.

So you clean up your act.

Did you have to go to rehab?

No.

Rehab,

rehab's not what did it.

Okay, good.

Okay.

In fact, I don't even, even trying to be sober seemed like it was counterproductive.

So I'm not smashing any recovery programs or AA,

but mentally, if I tell myself you can't do that,

I'm going to find a way to do that.

Okay.

And it wasn't good for me to do that.

So I made the choice to quit using meth I made the choice to quit using drugs

I use cannabis I'm an advocate for cannabis I will recommend mushrooms to almost anybody

I stand by those because I believe it's medicine but that said as far as the the hardcore drugs that I was doing before I I made the choice that I wanted the life that I believed I was created for more than I wanted that other life.

That's great.

Because I believe

those dreams and visions and those big picture things that pop into our head, I believe that that's our creator saying, this is the life I have for you.

Yes.

If you just choose to take it, it's yours.

Yes.

I finally

understood that every time I was molested, every time I was abused, every time I overdosed, every time I almost died, every time something tragic happened in my life, I would get this image of a better life.

And I didn't know what it meant until I turned my life around.

And then I realized that entire time that was the life I was supposed to live.

And so when I turned my life around, I was so focused and dedicated and so certain that that was

the calling on my life, what I was created to do, that I wanted that more than the drugs.

I still want to do meth.

I still want to do cocoa.

You have the craving.

Because it's fun.

But I don't want to do it more

than I want what I'm made for.

Do you drink alcohol at all or you quit alcohol called tertiary?

I mean, like, like every once in a while, but we just, like my wife and I, we don't, we don't really enjoy it that much.

Um, like a glass of wine every once in a while.

Yeah, but you can control it, right?

Like, if you want to have a glass of wine, that's it.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

I don't, I don't, I don't wake up going, man, I need a drink.

Now, I may say, I could use a fine sativa right now,

which

been medicine.

I have a condition called,

and I've healed so much from it, but it's called disassociative identity disorder or DID, also known as multiple personality disorder.

I've healed so much of that part of my life, and that all happened from the abuse and all the other crap that was going on in my life, but I've healed so much.

And so I used to be on all of these mental health drugs and medicine.

I quit all of them.

And I just use cannabis as medicine.

And every once in a blue moon, I'll do mushrooms too.

But that is therapy for me.

That is medicine for me.

And I love it.

And I've adjusted beautifully to just using cannabis.

Yeah, that's no, that's great.

So each their own.

My little rule that I do for my life is: I don't think anything should control you.

You should control anything you want to do.

Because I keep remembering, like alcohol in the beginning,

the person that is alcoholic, they think I control it, I control it.

And then one day you cross that line and the alcohol controls you and you're fucked, which is what happened to Anthony.

And in a big degree, that's what happened to my mom as well.

So I love drinking wine.

I don't want to be like a teetotaler, but I love drinking my wine.

It's my French blood in me, but I control it.

Like you said, I'll have my glass of wine or something.

So I think that's a nice little rule for, like you said, if you want to smoke pot, whatever you want to do, just make sure we are in control, right?

And I'm you're a hundred percent right, and I'm also very fortunate to have the most amazing wife.

That, and I'm not saying that because she's here.

No, we're gonna talk about the marriage.

I mean, she's the best friend I've ever had in my life.

That's nice.

When I, when we've had trouble in our marriage or conflict,

we shift gears to where we may not be married that day, we just decide to be friends.

And if we're, if I'm being a bad friend, then she'll go, okay, well, now we're family,

And so

we stay together.

Yeah.

But then we shift the dynamics of a relationship to ease things.

And then we come back together to have the conversation.

She has helped me.

If she wouldn't be in my life, I would not be talking to you today.

If she didn't come into my life, I would not have healed as much as I have.

And I'm sure.

So how long have you guys been together?

We got married two Christmases ago.

So this is our third Christmas coming up?

Or second one?

Third.

So you guys have been together for three years?

February 20.

We met on Valentine's Day

in real life for the first time.

I flew in on Valentine's Day.

How did you guys meet dating apps?

No, no.

We met on Facebook as Facebook friends.

And

she was in Minnesota.

Okay.

Moving to Minnesota was like the last thing I was going to do.

Like, I

you were in LA.

Yeah.

Huh?

You were in LA?

Who would move to Minnesota?

Like, on purpose?

There must be a lot of love because I don't see me moving to Minnesota for any man on this planet.

Not even George Clooney covered in gold.

It's so beautiful.

Downtown Minneapolis is special.

There's special people here.

No, I know.

I like it to visit.

But like after a weekend,

no, I know.

After a weekend or a week, because I'm very hyper.

Like, I have to have the restaurants and the culture events.

I have to have stuff around me to do yeah i would definitely have cabin fever but i admire it because it must be like real real real love for you guys oh it is but she it started as my best friend but i gotta tell you that when she first reached out to me it was business

but she wanted to pick my brain and

i gotta tell you that happens a lot

when I was on social media and I and it was always the same generic bullcrap questions what made her stand out to me is she was asking these very, very detailed, specific questions that only someone who has educated themselves on the subject could have asked.

Awesome.

And that really impressed me.

So it started off as being, you know, friends and best friends, but then I started getting visions for her and I started seeing like what her life was going to be.

And then I found myself getting jealous of whoever this mystery man was in the visions

and come to find out it was me in the visions the whole time.

I just okay, but now you you told me the best.

She's the best.

Awesome.

You told me that you guys are in an open marriage.

Well, is that how you classify it?

Can you explain?

Do you want to describe this, honey, or are you coming on camera?

Uh,

can

you?

I'll let I want her to verbalize it.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi, Jessica.

The camera loves me.

Every time.

But I would say that we are exploring

that more.

We're in the beginning phases of exploring it more.

Before it was like, okay, well, we'll have fun and like maybe introduce someone here and there and just, you know,

why not?

But now I think we've taken it to a different level.

We're taking it more seriously and to see if that is something that will improve and be an asset to our relationship or not.

Okay.

So this all started with because of my sexuality.

Right, right.

Because like you said, you're fluid.

So are we talking about an open marriage where you can go out with men, for example, if you're in the mood or if you like someone?

They're looking at each other.

Okay, so you so that's not what you mean when you talk about an open marriage.

How do you feel about being married to a man that is saying that to you, that he's fluid.

Maybe, like, if he came home and told you, I met a guy at the grocery store and I'm really attracted to this guy.

I want to go on a date with this guy.

Like, you know, I'm sorry, but let's be honest about it.

Like, I want to feel, I want to suck a dick, whatever.

How would you feel about it?

Yeah, that's all that happens.

Oh, okay.

So, it's open in that sense.

Okay, that's awesome.

Yeah, there's no secrets at all.

Right.

So, how do you deal with it?

It's totally cool with you.

I guess I just have never been jealous about what he chooses.

He fills my cup.

Like it's full.

Okay.

In all of the different arenas of a relationship.

It's more full than it's ever been with a man.

I've been married twice before and I've been engaged a couple of other times.

And Joshua fills my cup in all the areas more than anyone ever has.

So it doesn't bother me.

It doesn't feel like competition.

Right.

It just feels like

that's another thing.

Like

there's, I don't really like being put in a box or having limitations put on me.

So I like having someone that I don't have to do that with.

That's awesome.

I love that.

I don't want another woman either.

I hear you.

So the whole idea of the whole concept of

like an open relationship where I could go sleep with women, like I have zero zero desire with that.

If any desire that I have, it's to be with a man.

But really, if I was to go off on my own,

the whole time,

this is honestly like whether I'm on, if I was on drugs or not.

Like, this is what I had to realize when I got sober away from the drugs to realize what was real for me is I had to know what was actually real and what wasn't.

And for me,

I know that I'm always going to want her there.

Right.

So I don't want to go off on my own in that sense.

Now,

finding the right mix, like if we met another couple that was on the same vibe as us, the thing is, it's like, I still wouldn't want to sleep with that person's wife because it's different to me.

I hear you.

My attraction to men

is

almost like it's a different person altogether, even though it's not.

Like it feels completely different for me.

Even if it was like

I had some kind of feelings for that person, it's still not even in the same realm.

No, sure, I hear you.

There's a big difference between love and intimacy and attachment and like a physical sexual desire.

The problem is, most couples on the planet don't have the balls to tell each other things like that.

I personally think it's much better to be honest with each other than to cheat.

Yeah, looking at first of all, looking at porn is lazy.

So here's what happens.

I love porn.

You know what?

I'm not going to.

I'm not hating.

I love looking at porn.

I don't know.

So many people have a problem with porn.

I swear to God, I think it's so much fun.

So here's what it is.

It's wasting, for a guy, I'm wasting my seed when I could be

figuring out.

No, I mean, okay, maybe you don't have to come, but like as far play, a couple.

I love it.

Or like for a single woman.

You know, I don't think it's a problem.

I like it.

I don't judge any of that stuff at all because I'm just saying for me,

I would rather put that attention into a real situation as opposed to

jerking off and then being done.

I want to address something, too, because I know you have a lot of men that listen.

Yes.

And one of the

men,

just a minute.

Men, you got to start being honest about what you really want because that's the only way you're going to get it.

Because the sneaking around, I get more calls from men that are cheating that like other guys, but are afraid to tell their wife because they'll leave them.

I've been through it.

I know all these things.

Like, you can't tell me a scenario that I'm not going to go.

Yeah, I've been there.

Yeah.

But if you,

your life will be so much easier.

You will be more successful.

You will be happier in all areas of your life.

You will be a better father.

You'll be a better lover.

You'll be a better husband if you're just honest.

And here's the thing.

If you're living a lie and you're telling lies, those people in your life aren't your people so while you're saying well if they find out the truth they're not gonna love me well guess what they're not they're there based on a lie they don't even know who you really are anyway i agree so how do you even live with yourself and how do you tell yourself that you have friends and loved ones when you lie to them i agree you don't lie to people you love yeah you lie because you're selfish insecure

and afraid afraid but you can see what you want yeah most people lie because they're afraid i have a lot of friends who are married and who go out with men, who are bisexual, like here in LA, they like St.

Paul, Amorous, etc., etc., etc.

And I honestly think the happiest people are the people that decide that they're going to live their truth.

But unfortunately, we all know that society in general doesn't want to deal with people like that.

So it is subjects that very rarely are being brought up, right?

I think no matter what you want to do, if you want to go out with other men, if you want to go out with other women, if you want to have more sex, if you want to have less sex, the whole point is communicate to your partner.

And like you said, I agree.

I think the right person will stay

and have the same energy that you do.

It's that doesn't have to be a threat.

No, look, and I know what it says in the Bible.

I know all those arguments.

Trust me, I'm a man of the world.

I don't go there because, yeah, I'm not religious.

You know, you promise.

No, I wasn't going to say anything religious.

No, I know, but like when you say like what's on the Bible, I don't even, because I don't want to like, you know, people that are not religious to think that, you know, it's, it's like they're bad people because of the Bible or something, you know?

That's not what I was going to say actually at all.

Okay.

But we won't, we won't, I'll say it, I'll say it in the pre.

Because,

again,

the Bible's been weaponized against people for all the wrong reasons when most people don't even realize that that is not a complete Bible to begin with.

So, beating somebody over the head with your beliefs when you don't even know where your beliefs really come from, that's a problem.

Come on, Camera.

I agree.

We can pass the Bible.

Yeah, no, I agree.

I just, I think I'm like equal opportunity

talker that I respect everybody's religion.

I respect everybody's point of view.

So, and just for me, I decided a long time ago that

I don't do religion for whatever reason.

So, but I respect.

That's actually good.

Religion's not a good thing.

I agree.

I think it's too complicated.

But I think it's amazing that you guys found a marriage that you can tell each other everything.

Because at the end of the day, that's the most important thing in any relationship.

Because here's the thing, though.

At the very least, whether our relationship is open or not, even the verbal foreplay of whispering in her ear the things that are going through my head or her telling me,

I mean,

that in itself is almost as exciting as if we actually found somebody to come over to do those things.

That's the thing about just being honest about what you want.

It's so

awesome.

Yes.

I agree.

Many times it's a lot more talking about it and actually doing.

Now, let's switch it around.

What if she came to you?

Does she do the same thing if she said, oh, I want to to go out to somebody else?

Like, I met this woman or this guy and I like this person.

How would you feel about it?

Is it open for her as well?

Well, so I, first of all, I wouldn't, I seriously doubt that I would want to go off without her, but if she came to me and said that, do you know why I would let her do it?

Because she would let me do it, and it's the right thing to do.

On the second part,

look, I got cheated on a lot because I mean, I was a cheater too, so it kind of went both

But I,

well, I remember the very first time I got cheated on, I discovered it.

And I was at my girlfriend's house, and I just happened to lay on her bed, and I looked under the bed,

and I saw an open box of condoms.

We didn't use condoms.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're cheated on.

It ripped me apart because of pride, because of selfishness, whatever, even though I was cheating, by the way.

It ripped me apart.

And so I remember we got into it, whatever.

Anyway, fast forward a week or so, we go, I get a hotel room because it's where she lived in a different town in Oklahoma.

And as we go to the hotel room, we're having sex.

And I know, I can see in her mind,

I know that she's thinking about something else.

So I said the words, you're thinking about him right now.

Oh, my God.

And she said, and she said, yes, I'm thinking about him fucking you in the ass while you're inside of me.

So

I,

for the church crowd that's listening to this, I apologize for my language.

Anyway, so she says this to me, and then I immediately go, I'm no longer worried about being cheated on.

Now I'm into hot wifing and cuckolding almost instantly because that nightmare, that scary, that pain, that hurt, I don't know if this is a healthy way to deal with it or not.

But I took what hurt me and turned it into a fantasy.

And guess what?

It was.

Cheating on never bothered me again.

I hear you.

if well i never cheated

this hold on one last thing yeah sex part is sex to me but i will tell you one thing that i get very jealous over and i would absolutely lose my effing mind and probably end up in prison if somebody went for jessica's heart awhile i then would be very very very angry so there's a big difference between the two i agree there's a big difference between sex with no feelings and feelings for the person that you're with i completely agree.

It's two very different things.

I don't know.

I feel,

I'm not a,

I mean, I don't feel good about cheating just because I never cheated on anyone, believe it or not.

Even people ask me, but you didn't cheat on Anthony because our sex life was so crappy.

And I swear, my mother saw I never ever cheated on him.

14 years I barely had sex.

So now, you know, I want to make up for it.

I want to have a partner that likes it as much as I do.

All my boyfriends have to keep up, otherwise, like, they're out the door.

But I think, and then I was cheated by a boyfriend, the only boyfriend I had after Anthony, he was cheating on me on my birthday with somebody else.

And it was very hurtful.

And this is why I think it's always better to tell the truth to the person's face, no matter what it is that you want to do.

It's so much better to say, look, I'm sorry, I'm attracted to somebody else.

Blah, blah, blah.

I want to do a threesome.

I want to do this.

I want to do that.

Because, like I said, if you have feelings for someone and you find out they're doing it behind your back, it's so painful.

It is.

It is painful.

And there's another thing, too, that you have to consider when you think of open relationships or even sleeping around.

This is not going to be a term that most people have heard about, but there's a thing called soul ties.

And just look it up.

Soul ties.

Anytime that we have sex with somebody, there's a transference of DNA.

You leave a soul tie.

So

you ever leave one relationship, you jump into another, you're sleeping together, but then you got all these memories of your ex.

That's one example of what a soul tie can do to you or why you want to run back to sleep with the ex anytime there's a fight with the current boyfriend.

Yeah.

Soul ties have a lot to do with that because, well, again, this can get really, really scientific, really quick and really out there quick.

So I just encourage people to look up soul ties.

Because that is the one thing I will tell you that helps me not be a whore again because my instinct is to be a a slutty whore.

Like I just want to be a slutty whore all the time because that is how I like to express myself or that's how I like to.

But instinctively, that's what I want to do is be a whore.

So the way that I keep myself from doing that and acting on every impulse like I used to is the understanding that

do I really want this person attached to me now?

Like do I need this in my life?

Probably not.

I don't need the drama.

I don't need any of that stuff.

So I'm going to be way more selective about who I jump in bed with.

And so now it's basically made me into a committed man now.

There you go.

That's not sleeping or not.

Right?

But if exactly, it's the idea of it.

I never heard of this term soul ties, but it's interesting that you're saying that because that's how I feel.

The reason why I take forever to jump from one partner to the other is because of that exchange in energy.

People think I fuck different guys every night because of the podcast.

It's hilarious.

But I actually have very few partners.

Like, I take forever and ever and ever.

Like, if a relationship doesn't work out, I go months and months and months and months on end

because I have such a hard time.

Like, am I really gonna let this guy touch my body and

be inside me and all this energy?

Do I want it?

Does he deserve it?

It takes me forever because of that.

But at the end, and nothing against people that want to have sex every night, by the way, do whatever you want.

But in a way, it preserves you.

it preserves me when I finally have sex with someone.

And my guest just asked me that on Tuesday, she was like, Oh, how do you feel when you have

sex that sucks?

And I said, Usually, it doesn't happen to me because I wait so long.

So, when I finally pick my partner,

it's somebody that I really, really, really want.

So, usually, when I end up in bed with someone, it's very delicious and explosive.

That's one benefit of not like having sex with a bunch of different people, you know?

Oh, I agree.

I mean, I again, it's, it's, it's like all that stuff sounded so amazing when I was younger.

And because I was caught up in it, and of course, I was involved in the drugs and all that.

And again, mentally, it's like

mentally, I can go there, but physically,

I just don't want that because I realize that it comes with complications.

And here's the other thing:

I'm open about having HIV.

I'm not afraid of it.

I'm not ashamed of it.

I'm undetectable.

Thank God for the medication.

I can't pass it on to my wife or if we had other partners, pass it

on to them.

I like being outspoken about it because

there's a stigma around HIV still, and there shouldn't be because it can happen to anybody.

And the sad thing is this.

There are so many people walking around right now with HIV and they have no freaking clue.

Oh, yeah.

They won't go get tested.

Oh, yeah.

Get tested so you can get the medication so you can go back to boning.

One million.

No, I agree.

Or not boning, whatever you want to do.

Yes, no, it's a huge problem, obviously, especially here in LA.

I think any play, any city with really big

homosexual communities, they fear getting tested.

And yeah, it's worse.

It's worse.

I was in all the bathhouses in LA.

Like everyone that was there, I don't know which ones are still there, but I went to them.

I was tweaking on meth.

I went to, I won't name all the names, but

I was in that scene because I couldn't get enough.

And so I know that unprotected sex went on.

I was doing unprotected sex.

And God knows what I could have done to myself.

Like the fact that I'm alive is a miracle after what I was doing.

I know.

But it is not that, okay.

The medicine is so good now and it's so worth getting tested.

It's so worth it because you don't want to give it to other people, especially

like no one wants to be that person.

If I,

I have to live with the fact that I probably

know that I was sleeping with people when I had HIV.

And of course, I didn't know it at the time, but I was doing that.

So, like, I know that I put other people at risk.

And that ain't, that's not effing cool.

No, that's not.

No, I know.

It's the ultimate sign of selfishness.

Oh, yes.

It's worth getting tested.

It doesn't cost any money.

And frankly, another thing too, people say, well, I don't have insurance or I don't have the right health care to pay for the medication.

I'm gonna tell you right now, I was freaking homeless and got my medication taken care of.

Yeah, no, here there are a lot of places

out there.

Yes, there are so many resources.

So, yes, anybody listening that you know is being abused in any way, that is fighting an addiction, that is afraid of getting tested.

This is a good wake-up call.

Just fucking get it done

so you can move, you can move on with your life.

Yeah, get it done, right?

Before I let you go, yes, I was talking about Matt Perry.

He's like this crazy famous actor, remember, in the Friends series.

No, no, no.

He wrote a book, and I thought, I'm going to read his book because I love reading true stories of addicts that didn't die.

And so I went to his book signing on, okay, because he was like you.

He literally almost died a bunch of times.

And I went to his book signing on Saturday.

I'm like, am I the only person here that is noticing this guy?

He was like in a fog.

You know, he was like super, he looked super depressed, like somebody shoved a bunch of calming pills, whatever, up his ass to be there.

He was, he, he was like, you know, his hand was like trembling to sign the book.

And I was like, hi, I'm Kat.

You know, do you remember me?

I've seen you many times on different sets.

No, no, no.

I'm a fellow actor.

I felt like my heart broke for the guy because I felt he was like a pony in a circus.

Like this line of people and a bunch of bodyguards and people taking pictures and he was literally sitting there like you know like barely moving and and like literally drugged not drugged from from like illegal drugs but like some somebody pumped him with drugs to function and go to the book signing

and it just broke my heart it just broke that's why i'm telling you about it before we we we break because everybody's asking me how's the book sign how's the book sign i'm saying

fighting addiction is really tough it's really tough if you come clean on the other side,

I hope you have nice people.

Yeah, make money from a book and all this stuff is great.

But I hope you have good people on your side that doesn't take advantage of the situation.

I really felt they were taking advantage of the situation and putting him there because it's a money-making machine, you know?

But you got the best look at that growing up in the industry.

Like you saw that.

You know how hamburgers work.

You know, like everyone thinks that it's like the greatest thing ever to be the guy or girl on the red carpet.

carpet.

But when you see what goes on behind the scenes, get people there.

It's all about money, right?

Telling you what you can do, can't do, what you can say, can't say.

Yeah.

That sounds like a miserable insistence.

Exactly.

And in his case, I was like, man, this guy is not okay.

He's not smiling.

He's not enjoying it.

He literally had the same face.

you know, barely moving the whole time.

And lines and line.

And by the way, I think I was the only fan there, fan.

I was the only person there that had actually read the book.

Everybody was just fans from the TV show, like with memorabilia and crap for him to sign.

I'm like, these people are so oblivious, but this guy's in pain.

He's in pain.

He's not okay.

And he broke my heart.

What do you, I gotta ask you something.

What do you think?

Do you think celebrity's dead?

Or is it just changing?

I don't think it's ever dead.

As far as being the megastars, I think those days are over.

What do you think about it?

I don't think it's over.

I don't think it's dead.

And I don't think Hollywood is ever going to let that die because it's such a money-making machine.

That's what I think.

It's global now, too, though.

Yeah, but I think

you're always going to have the celebrities, the red carpet,

the pomp and circumstance, because that's what sells movies, right?

I mean, at least that's my impression.

I don't think it's dead at all.

But like you said, some people are there and they love it.

They love the spotlight.

That's their life.

And it doesn't matter how much money they make, that's what they want.

There are many examples, for example, the Kardashians, they are making billions with a B.

They could go home and enjoy their kids and their money, na-na-na.

They're all over the place.

Look at us, look at us, look at us.

I'm on TV, I'm on TV.

And I'm thinking, why the fuck are you still doing that?

You know, take a little break, breathe.

Another example that everybody talks about here in Hollywood.

I was just talking about her with another lady I interviewed, J-Lo.

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

You've been married 50 million times.

You make hundreds of millions of dollars.

You marry Ben Affleck again.

Great for you.

Instead of like, okay, take this private.

This man is an alcoholic,

recovered alcoholic, by the way.

Very similar story to Anthony from Boston, but he recovered and Anthony didn't.

Instead of keeping this marriage

under the home, right?

Enjoy the fucking husband.

She's telling the world, oh, he loves me, he loves.

And we're like, shut the fuck up and enjoy it.

You don't need the money anymore.

You don't need the attention.

I personally think celebrity has never been less relevant.

I think it's changing.

I think another,

I'm going to lay a prediction out for your listeners.

Okay.

Media as we know it is also done.

So like the CNNs of the world, the ABCs, the Disneys, where they have just a few few companies have all the power.

The future that we're going into, the power is going to lie in our hands.

So instead of the power in the hands of a few, it's going to be the power in the hands of the many.

The independent media organization

is the media company of the future, and that's what we're going into.

So I think celebrity is about to get flipped on its head.

I think COVID, this season of our lives,

has made celebrity almost irrelevant.

I know it's still powerful, but it's nothing like it was, and I don't think it'll ever get back.

I think that we are about to see what we're about to see the world change in dramatic fashion and it's so exciting for people like you, somebody that knows media the way that you do, this is a time for you, your career, and all that you've done, all of your intellectual property, all that you've gone through in your life.

all these experiences they're about to take you to a whole new level and you're going to do it for yourself It's not going to be because of anyone else.

Right, right.

No one did it for you.

Your work and your labor,

you are

in prime position for when we step into the fourth industrial revolution fully.

You are primed to be a massive success.

And I am rooting for you all the way.

And I am so grateful that I got to do this.

I am very grateful.

I want to interview you on my like,

we're going to have to do this again, but let me ask you questions because

you're just a wealth of information, a wealth of experience.

I have so much admiration for you because I read your book.

My God, thank you.

Likewise,

I admire you as well.

I'm glad for your story.

Yeah, no, and likewise, I think you're a very brave man, and I am very honored to have you here because, like I said, it's so tough to find people that just have the balls to say all of these things that you're saying, like with a smile on your face.

And you're a survivor, so that's a happy ending.

I love stories with happy ending.

You should do a TED Talk

for sure.

I I can totally see you being a TED Talker.

1 million percent.

No, you should.

Like, I see you as a person, yes, talking, going all over the country, inspiring people because

women too, but so many men, gay men, bisexual men, people that were abused,

people doing drugs, they feel like, okay, that's it.

I can never get out of it.

But you are proof that you can and you can have a wonderful life after that.

Yeah, even with HIV, even with jail, even with with prison, even with all that stuff.

Yeah.

I'm living the life that I was created to live, and I've never been more happy in my life.

And you look very happy, and you look amazing, and your wife is gorgeous.

I'm going to put videos of you guys on my social media so everybody can see you because I know I'm going to get 10 million messages.

And the book, I have not finished it yet, but I do want to finish it because I love the title and I like how you made the cover, like half of your face and everything.

Oh, you did that.

She's a great.

We design all of our own stuff.

The devil inside.

I love that.

The devil inside me.

Where can people find it?

Can they buy it on Amazon?

They can buy it on Amazon, Barnes Noble, and of course, my website, JoshuatBerglin.com.

Joshua T.

Berglund.

And so you publish your, if anybody wants to listen to more episodes of your podcast, they can go to your website, Joshua T.

Berglund, and it's all there, right?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

It's all there.

We distribute to all the other platforms, but we are very big on teaching people to own your content, own your messaging, and only promote what you know.

Very, like, I learned all this from Master P.

When I was in college, I was a backup dancer in one of the rap videos he did.

Or it's actually his sons, but I got to meet him and I thought I was going to get to smoke pot with him, but instead, he gave me business advice that stuck with me and shaped like everything I do today is because of that day and Boca Ratone when I was going to college

for this video shoot.

That day, that stuck with me and it's changed my life.

And the whole everything that we do as a nonprofit, everything I do as an individual was really, really the foundation of that started the day Master Pete gave me that advice.

That's awesome.

Amazing.

You guys do great work.

And tell me, before I go really quickly, about your non-for-profit organization.

We have a non-profit media organization called the Live Mana Worldwide Foundation.

It's nonprofit media.

It's a full-service media organization.

We teach and equip people that are ex-convicts, former prostitutes,

abused children,

inner city kids, people from third world countries,

people that don't have the education, the finances.

We give our resources away to them.

We help them launch.

Because here's the thing I know.

If you know media, you can do anything.

You can literally monetize anything if you know how to use media.

So we teach that.

So people like me that have, I can't get a regular job because of my record, but I can make my dreams come true still.

And so I want to teach other people how to do the same thing.

I love that.

I really, really, really admire you guys.

And I think the message we're going to leave here is that, like you were asking about your relative, there is always a way to start over.

As long as you're alive, it doesn't matter what age you are.

it doesn't matter how poor you are there's always somebody that's gonna help or some resource you know don't stay in any situation that you don't want to be in for fear right get the hell out and start over and you're gonna be so much happier

amen thank you you guys are amazing

so much love

cannot wait to do this again yes

yes i hope you guys come down to la and i can get to meet you in person

oh that's gonna happen.

Yeah, let me know.

Let me know.

It was such a pleasure.

Tell me your wife's name again.

I'm so sorry.

Her name's Jessica.

Jessica and Josh T.

Berglund.

This was an enormous pleasure.

Thank you so much.

This was a very special, very emotional candle.

Like at some points, I'm like holding tears inside.

You know, my chest gets a little tight, but I think these are very important stories to tell.

Thank you, Josh.

I'll talk to you soon.

All right.