CHEATING: WOULD YOU FORGIVE YOUR PARTNER?

Hi guys, it's Friday.

Friday means a new episode of Cat on the Loose, Sex, Dating, and Relationships.

I have the most adorable guest here with me via Zoom.

I'm going to protect her identity because she is brave enough to talk about a super delicate subject, which is cheating.

I started talking about it a little bit, I think last week, and I got tons and tons of messages, people saying, well, you know, know, and I agree, it's not like a black and white subject.

So, I'm not gonna say your name, so I'm gonna call you girly.

Hi, girly.

How are you?

I'm good.

Thank you for having me.

I'm super excited.

Thank you so much for being here.

I'm Cat on the Loose.

Hopefully, next time we do it, we're gonna be together in either New York or here in Miami.

But I really appreciate you doing this.

Thank you.

So, let's jump right on it.

I am going to say first about me.

For you guys that did listen to season one, I told a story of a guy that I was dating and like I was dating him for like a year and a half.

And I found out on my birthday that he was cheating on me.

Yes, it's right.

I know.

It's right there on season one for those of you that never listened to the story.

And I was madly, madly in love with him.

We were planning on moving in together blah blah blah and i found out like the worst possible way and in my case to me it wasn't so much like oh my god he was cheating but it was the whole idea that he was living this whole double life you know that every time i saw him he had somebody else and so for me finding out about it on my birthday and like i said i'm not going to talk about the whole story because it's right there if you guys want to go it's it's called the minyoku story but anyways uh so i decided i couldn't forgive it because it was too huge of a lie now let's talk about your story you were cheated on

and you decided to move on with the relationship forgive the person and you guys are happy right now right

yeah so i mean it's a very um

interesting story because I found out that my husband, which I am halfway married today,

cheated on me when I read his diary.

Wow.

My husband was doing this type of therapy, which, can you hear me well, Kat?

Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah,

your voice is a little too low, but I'm trying to.

I'll talk louder.

I'll talk louder.

My husband cheated on me and I found out when I read his diary, right?

So he used to do this type of therapy where he used to write everything like as part of his therapeutical process

but let me ask you a question sorry what were you already married or were you guys dating

So he cheated on me when we were dating long distance.

Okay, so I used to live in a country.

He used to live in another country.

And we had this long, long distance relationship for a year.

Okay, so you guys were dating and he cheated on you while you were dating

yeah and i had no idea like he met my mom he met my dad i met his family we decided to get married and when i moved to the country that he was living

one day i was organizing everything because i'm old cg i'm crazy and i saw this little book And I am there, I cross the boundary.

Okay, so that's not.

Yeah, now that's a whole other subject.

Should we cross boundaries, read boyfriends and husbands' diaries or cell phones?

That's a big controversial one.

I am honestly, I feel if I have to zoop around somebody's phone, that's already like a red flag that there is something wrong there, you know?

Yeah, I used.

I used to be very snooze.

I used to be like very nosy, like gossiper.

And

I learned my lesson in the hard way because when you try to find something you will find if you search

You will find darling.

So my advice number one is

Don't search.

But anyway, so I was too curious.

I decided that I was gonna take a look at the diary and bam, I saw everything.

Okay, like

everything.

When we were dating, I was in my city.

He was in his city.

And

he, one night, he went out with a friend.

And not only he cheated me once, Kat, but he cheated on me three times.

And listen to this, the bad, the bad that we were sleeping together was the bad that he had sex with the girl that he cheated on me.

Oops.

Yeah,

that's the same thing that happened to me, yeah, with this boyfriend that I was talking about.

That's tough.

That's a tough one to say.

A girl, I was married.

I moved to countries.

I quit my job.

I left my family.

I left my friends.

i left everything

because they loved the guy yes and that's

i was in a country that was minus 40 so it was the coldest country i've ever been it was a very hard winter hard winter i found out that my husband that i love that i thought it was the perfect guy um cheated on me so how did you so okay so did you confront him how did you get over it?

Okay, so very good question.

Let me see you, Julia.

Let me see you, please.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay,

so

I found out about the diary and then I was like, okay,

what do I do now?

I have two options.

Okay,

I either

confront him, okay,

or

or

I just let it go, okay.

But I am the type of person that I can't let go, yeah.

I mean, I prefer to just say everything, I just prefer to put everything out there and resolve it one way or the other.

Yeah,

and listen, I respect, listen, number one, I respect all women that decide to forgive cheating.

Oh my god, yeah, me too.

So, you confronted him,

yes, and what did he say?

He denied.

Ah, he denied.

Yeah, yeah.

So you had all this proof.

You read his diary and he tried to tell you that it wasn't true.

Oh, he said it was just like a one-night thing that was just kiss, but it was not true.

He had sex with a girl.

So listen, listen.

My whole life, my whole life, I was like, I'm never going to forgive a cheater.

I don't believe in cheating.

That's absurd.

That's awful.

If you cheat your wife, you cheat your friend, you cheat your spouse, you cheat your colleagues.

So my whole life I said, if you'd have asked me like 10 years ago, would you forgive a cheater?

I would say like, hell no.

But see, I bit my tongue and I forgive my husband because I think I grew up and I'm more mature now.

And I think

it happened.

Yeah, so that's the question.

You confronted him.

He denied.

How did you get over it?

Did he finally admit it?

How did you guys figure it out?

In case there are couples out there going through the same situation,

how did you resolve it?

Okay, so my number one advice is

if you cheated, just spit the truth.

Oh, yeah.

Just throw the shit

in the sand.

Just say everything at once.

Because my problem was I was finding out piece by piece.

So, listen to what happened.

I read a diary, I confronted him, he denied it, and I lived hell.

Okay, I lived hell because I was dreaming with the cheating,

I was thinking about holy shit.

Who is the girl?

Is she pretty than me?

Is she hot on me?

Oh, that is the worst.

That is the worst feeling.

I know.

And then, my phone, my phone, I had an iPhone.

He had a problem, so I had to borrow another

iPhone from him and guess what baby everything was

exactly I saw the messages that he exchanged with her on the phone so that's when I found out the parts of the cheating that it was not just only one night out it was more than one

she came over he came over and then I don't know what happened.

Either she or him decided to stop the bullshit and then they didn't see each other again.

But

my advice guys and girls is just say everything at once because it's like it's like when you're waxing what do you do do you remove the wax at once no i agree but so finally did he admit it to you he said yes i cheated but i don't ever don't want to do it again

yes

and i always use like a metaphor that imagine if you take a very

new piece of paper the paper is perfect there's no marks okay

and then you you scrunch the paper yeah

the paper is never gonna go back to the paper correct some people use the analogy of breaking crystal yeah you can put it back back together but it's never look gonna going to look exactly the same

correct so so I mean for a while I would say like two years cat

I was

always paranoid.

He would go for like a business meeting, he would go for like the Christmas party and I'm sure he was going to cheat on on me so but let me ask you a question so what made you stay I mean you had all those things in front of you he was denying that he was having an affair what happened that you said you know what this guy deserves another chance he deserves to marry me

Because he's a wonderful guy.

My husband is like, there's no such thing as a perfect guy.

Oh, yeah.

No, I agree.

He's my friend.

He supports me in whatever I do.

He loves me.

He loves me me just the way I am.

Because I always used to, I don't know, I was never myself in my previous relationships.

And in my marriage, I am who I am.

So

the answer for your question is love.

And I know it sounds super tacky and cheesy, but it's true.

Like, I love him more than anything, more sometimes more than myself.

So I forgive him.

Uh-huh.

So you decided.

So

you married him a few years after

that he cheated.

How did that work out?

no so i married him in the end of 2015 december 2015 and the cheating happened in september 2015.

oh so you were already married when he cheated

no he cheated on me september 2015 okay married december 2015 and i count down the cheating February 2016.

Oh my God.

Wow.

So it was like boom, boom, boom.

Yeah, so you decided, you know, I'm gonna save this relationship, but what did he tell you?

How did he reassure you?

He told you it was a one-night stand and he was never going to do it again.

I mean, he must have done something to build up your trust again, no?

Listen, listen.

When you face a situation like that, you forget about everything you believe, everything that you always did.

And

I think in a marriage, two words do not exist always and never okay so yeah i like that i like what you just said can you try to speak a little bit louder julia because i really want people to hear you well

so you said in a marriage two words should never exist always and never

yes correct so two words should never exist always

i'll tell you why Because

you're always, always, always going to change your opinion.

You're always going gonna face situations that you never thought you would yeah so I just simply forgive him and it took me two years to build my trust back

I love that and now you feel now two years after that you guys are happily married you you're doing great

yeah I trust him like like I trust him 100%.

I love him like even more than I used to.

And it's true.

Listen, I never thought I was going to face a situation like that.

And I forgive him because it happened, man.

I agree.

You have to choose what makes you happier.

And

my marriage makes me happier.

And maybe he's proof that, you know,

men change.

People change.

Not every cheater is going to cheat all the time.

I know a lot of girls out there think, oh, he cheated on me.

He's going to cheat over and over and over again.

But I think there is a big difference.

And you and I were talking about this the other day.

There is a big difference between making a mistake and learning from it and being a serial cheater that has no respect for his wife.

Like somebody I know that I was telling you about.

I know this guy that I worked with.

He's married.

And like to the public.

he puts this facade like oh i'm a family guy my wife my wife but every time he turns around he's picking up some

i mean he's really just a pig he's a serial cheat i don't even understand why a guy like that is married if every time you walk out of your house you need to have sex with somebody else you need to go out after some girl maybe you shouldn't be married because i think he's a huge hypocrite that's a big difference from the story you are telling us obviously your husband made a mistake but he loved you so much he wanted to save the marriage and now two years after that you guys are building this beautiful strong relationship and that's why I really wanted to tell your story so some girls out there because it happens all the time they find out oh my god my boyfriend my fiancé my husband and cheated on me and many times they just throw the entire marriage out the window and it's not it should not always be the case right

listen I while you're talking, I was thinking about something else.

When it happened to me, like I have a really good relationship with my mom with my dad with my family but I decided to don't tell anyone okay I told maybe like one close friend

I told obviously from my therapist

if you don't do therapy please do because it's the best thing you can do for yourself you don't have to be crazy or facing something to do therapy so my advice is like don't don't don't tell people because i know this girl that her husband cheated on her and she told everyone and then

she decided to go back with the husband and guess what everybody knows is a cheater so yeah I mean to choose your happiness whatever makes you happier and listen if to give it someone that always

always cheats on you makes you happy go for it you know we are in 2021 I mean nobody should make opinions based you know on what is right what is wrong because we don't know what's right what is wrong I completely agree with you I i think it's whatever makes each person happy in my case it's not so much the cheating because i agree with you nobody's perfect we never know it can happen to anybody at any given time and many times it has nothing to do with love and respect the problem i have is with the lies I just cannot stand people that lie and lie and lie and lie all over again because I made a rule in my life.

I just don't lie.

I don't like lying.

I think it takes too much energy and work.

So for me, I prefer like I was married for 14 years and my husband did cheat on me twice in the very beginning of our relationship.

But when he came home, he told me.

He was like, oh, I went on a business trip and I fucked up and da da da.

And I preferred, believe it or not, that he told me because I knew it took so much balls for him to look at me and say, I fucked up.

I was in Portugal and I cheated on some girl.

I fucked up.

I was blah, blah, blah.

And I knew he was being so brave and looking me in the eye.

And we made a rule, like, no matter what happens to us.

Let's tell each other the truth.

And I loved that about him because I always, always knew where I stood.

So for me, like with this ex-boyfriend, last year, when I found out on my birthday, he was having dinner with some woman and he had been taking her out in public in front of a bunch of places that knew me.

To me, it wasn't so much the cheating.

Like I said, it was just living this horrible lie day after day after day.

So I said, you know what, it's not for me.

I prefer the person that will have the calmness

to come home and say, look, I'm human.

It is what it is, you know.

If you ask me today,

if you come home and your husband comes to you and say listen I cheated on you

I would probably forgive I don't know because I don't know it's it's it's it's again what I said there's no such thing as always and never in a marriage each situation is a situation so we think today I can change our we have we have this belief that we need to stick into to an opinion and okay I don't believe in cheating and but you can change your mind right that's the beauty of being human yes we are so smart and we are we are always exposed to different things so yeah make up your mind i mean each situation is a situation in my case i love my husband he's everything to me i'm happily married what happened in the past is in the past and i encourage women to always choose what it's best for them so if it's best for them to stay with their husband go for it i could not agree with you more and like like we were saying many times one cheating situation, one indiscretion, one mistake is really not worth you throwing the entire relationship out the window.

And I completely agree.

I know some girls are super radical about that, especially in certain cultures.

Here in Miami, many times I talk to Latin girls and they're like, oh, forget it.

Fuck him if he cheats on me, if he even looks at another girl.

And I think I'm more like your style.

I think it's not always black and white.

You know, men make mistakes, women make make mistakes.

And I think you need to put everything on the balance and figure out, look, I love this person.

Do I really want to lose everything that we're building because he made one mistake or two mistakes, whatever the hell it is?

But now, let me ask you another question about the same story.

You found out, but he must have done something.

Because I mean, it's not all on you.

Like, how did he reassure you that it was a mistake and he was going to change and he was worthy of your trust?

How did you guys get over that?

Listen,

he said all of these things.

He apologized, he explained to me where that came from, why he did it, and he explained everything.

I understood, but sometimes it doesn't matter what the person says because she's gonna, she's gonna call, he is gonna apologize, he's gonna say whatever he wants, but it's up to you.

Yeah.

Okay.

So I think it's like 20% of what the person said.

So the person can say, yeah, whatever, I did it, I'm gonna do it again.

And then you're gonna say, okay, bye, see you later.

Uh-huh.

But of course, he regretted.

Of course, he felt like shit, you know?

But

it was more something with me.

Like,

what's my decision?

Do I wanna build a family with this person?

Do I want to be with this person like happily married?

So, of course, he said, yeah, I'm sorry, blah, blah, blah.

But it was more

me.

You know what I'm saying?

It was more like your mental decision to forgive and believe in him, right?

Because I think it's, like you said, it's all about if you're going to be able to trust the person again and move forward.

Yes, and only,

only time,

a lot of therapy will help.

Did he go to therapy with you or just you?

No, I mean, we never did couple therapy, but we are, we're, I mean both of us were very into

being I know it sounds super cheesy

being the best version of ourselves.

So we always did therapy and it's the best you can do as a person because

How am I gonna work my relationship if I am screwed up?

So first you fix yourself.

Yeah.

I could not agree with you more many times we blame the other person all the time and I love that you're saying that because I think many times it's about us.

We need to look into our behavior, how we think, what we do, and let the other person do the same.

And that's probably because you have such a great way of thinking and you're so brilliant, so intelligent, that's very likely why you're still happily married to the love of your life.

Thank you, Katie.

I'm getting, as I'm talking to you, I'm already getting all these DMs about my story.

Guys, it's there.

It's on the first season.

I didn't name him, but I used to call him Minoco.

Minoco in Portuguese is a worm, like a male worm,

and uh, it's there if you guys want to listen to it.

But I have to say, the end of the story, I'm gonna tell you why in two minutes.

And Julia's not,

I'll block, I'll block the part I said your name.

Hold on, hold on, okay, okay.

Hold on,

Sorry, guys.

I had a quick interruption because my dog jumped on my leg.

So, anyways, finishing the story, this boyfriend that I told you I had for a year and a half.

On my birthday, I found out he was in a restaurant with another girl.

The whole story is on season one for you guys to listen.

Anyways, last year in July,

he caught COVID.

from the girl he was with.

If you believe, that's this is not a movie.

This is a true story.

And he ended up hospitalized.

And he died exactly a year ago, July 23rd of last year.

Yes.

He died of COVID.

And he was a super strong guy, super healthy.

And the first few days that he was in the hospital, you guys got to listen to this.

He was fine.

He was just like with the oxygen mask.

So he had four kids, by the way, four kids, 19-year-old triplets and a 21-year-old.

And all of his kids really liked him.

Yeah.

So

he started calling me from the hospital and we were doing video calls and he was apologizing and telling, oh my God, I am so sorry for all the pain I put you through.

You didn't deserve it, Bob.

And at that point, I was thinking.

forget it you know just please get out of there your kids need you because all the four kids lived here with him in miami i wasn't even thinking about me i was thinking like just be and he was so healthy, so strong.

We were all thinking in a few days, he was going to be out of the hospital.

And then things went downhill so fast, like in basically 10 days, he ended up dying.

So yeah, I know he died July 23rd of last year.

And I got, when he died, I was in Boston visiting a family.

And the day he died, I got so many messages of people saying, oh, you know, it's karma look what happened

and yeah and i have to say i do believe in karma but i never ever ever wished that on anyone on my worst enemy and yeah maybe he was a super crappy boyfriend but he was a wonderful man a wonderful father and it's funny that we're talking about coincidentally we're talking about this cheating on on this day and i did send a message to his kids this morning to his daughter so i mean i I dedicate this show in his loving memory.

I don't think we should wish bad on anyone, even all the cheaters out there.

I like to say that I love staying, remaining friends to all the men that I've dated, even the ones that did me wrong.

I never wish that anything horrible on anyone.

Because, you know, it's life.

Like you said, people make mistakes.

And even what he did to me, I'm sure he had his reasons.

Like you said, maybe I made my own mistakes, maybe I wasn't the perfect girl.

For I don't think anybody's perfect, and that's why I loved so much that you were brave enough to tell your story today because you are proof that

you can get through cheating and you can still live a super happy marriage, right?

Oh, yes, you can.

And rest in peace, Minoco.

I know, Minoco.

If anyone, if any of your listeners wanted to talk, you can give them our phone number and I'm happy to.

Aw, you're the sweetest.

Yeah, I'm sure we are going to get tons and tons of messages.

So maybe if you're game, you can come back from another episode and we can answer some messages from people out there.

But the fact is, today, it's what, two years since your husband cheated on you?

No, so 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.

Okay.

So six years, and you guys are super happy.

Super happy.

And you have an amazing life.

So, girls, before you throw your husband out the window, DM me, DM my guest, and we'll talk to you.

We'll talk you through it before you make a radical decision.

We're not saying that all the cheaters should be forgiven.

We are saying it depends on each situation, correct?

What I'm saying is choose your happiness,

whatever it means.

Choose your happiness.

Exactly.

Thank you so much for doing this with me.

And I hope you come back.

Thank you.

You're amazing.

Maybe next time we'll do it together, either in Miami or where you are.

Oh, I want to do Miami on the beach.

Sounds like a plan.

And have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you so much.

This was a Friday cat on the lose.

I hope you guys have a wonderful weekend.

You know, technically, don't cheat.

Appreciate who you are with.

I think that's my message, you know, because, but if you do cheat, talk about it, communicate.

It's always better to figure things out if both people know

where they're stepping.

That's always my opinion.

And you agree, right?

My cute friend, gorgeous friend.

Thank you.

Can on the loose Friday.

I wish everyone the most amazing weekend.

And I'll see you guys next week.

DM if you have any questions for me and for my guests.

And we'll be back next week.

Love you.