Q& A

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Hi, my loves. So this week I decided to do something that we've never done before, but we were thinking about it for a while, which is I want to do a QA and answer some of your most burning questions.

Usually we get dozens every week. So my team and I, we picked a few that I think are super important and that I actually feel I can speak from personal experience and hopefully help out.
And also,

it's a variation of the same question that you guys just sent several different times. So, let's go for it.

But before, I want to mention for those of you who do not know about it, we launched two weeks ago our series of short videos on YouTube based on real-life dating and relationship stories.

And I'm also getting tons and tons of questions about those. I'm bringing an expert, a major love relationship and dating coach next week to help us dissect.

But if you haven't watched yet, make sure you go there to our YouTube channel, Keton the Little Show, and watch them because they're very short.

And although these are real-life situations that have happened to me in the past,

we are kind of trying to, you know, make fun of the situation. Of course, when something bad happens to you when you're dating someone, you feel horrible.

But after time passes by, at least to me, everything should be a lesson. So I try to make light and fun of the situation so we can all learn together.
So you guys go there. We already dropped two.

We are dropping new short videos every Wednesdays on YouTube. It's Cat on the Loose Show.
And leave me a comment. Let me know what you would do in those situations.

And next week we're going to dissect them a little bit more. So let's start the QA.
Well, this one is a no-brainer. I hope you guys agree with me.

But basically, we get this question from several different people, and we get this question every week. I'm in love with a married guy.
What should I do?

Well, to me,

this is a major no-no. First of all, how do you even get in love with a married guy? I mean, I'm totally all for married guys having friends,

but how do you even allow yourself to go there? My rule in dating and relationships, and everything else in my life, basically,

I treat people the same way that I want to be treated. I cannot imagine being married, being in a relationship, and thinking that someone might be in love with my husband or my significant other,

and that they would potentially think that they can make my partner cheat. So, I don't want to do that to any woman in this world out there.

So, for me, this is a no-brainer in terms of an answer: don't do it, walk away, move on, be the responsible adult.

There are so many unattached people in the world that you can actually go out, have fun with, that you don't have to get tangled up with a married guy. Plus, you know, just the stress

and even

let's say if the guy gets confused wondering if he likes you if he's gonna dump the wife all this horrible shit Does anybody really want that kind of stress in your lives?

I mean to me, this is a no-brainer like huge no-no. Please, please, please don't go there.
I mean, I'm I believe in energy, so I don't want that kind of energy in my life.

And I hope you guys, all of you guys that send similar questions, just don't go for it. Go fall in love with the guy who's available.

This one really touched me. I've been single for three years.
I went through a tough divorce and I haven't been able to find someone else new, and I feel like nobody's going to love me again.

I'm desperate for a relationship. Please help me.
Well, first of all, being single for three years is not that long of a time.

I think your problem, and by the way, same thing, a lot of people send variations of the same question.

I think the problem for this lady and for many people is that you don't know how to be happy alone.

And that's why I use this word: I'm desperate for a relationship. And that's probably the vibe you are sending out there in the world: desperation.
And that's never, ever, ever good.

You're actually gonna repel people away. Desperation is never a good idea.
So I always say that to men, but especially women everywhere.

One of the biggest lessons you can learn in your life is to actually know how to be happy by yourself, how to enjoy your own company, how to appreciate your own life.

And then when you go find a partner, you're going to say that you want a partner, as opposed to saying, I'm desperate for a partner, I need a partner. That's all bullshit.

Nobody should need a partner. There is a really, really big difference.
So, what I would say to you is: first, three years is not a long time.

I think any one of us who has been through a tough, horrible divorce can understand how tough and horrible divorce is. So, I think everyone needs time to heal, and different people take

different periods of time to heal. However, being single for three years is not that long of a time.

What I suggest is that you reset your mindset and in baby steps, learn how to do things that allow yourself to be happy as a single person, allow yourself to feel fulfilled as a single person

because your chances of increasing your chances of attracting the partner that you want will highly increase. I really think

men smell desperation, and I have many guy friends that have said that to me before.

I have guy friends that literally tell me they go on one day to the girl, and the girl is talking about marriage and babies and this and that and that. Oh, Oh, life is expensive.
I need it.

So, the guy obviously is going to run away from that kind of energy. So,

do small things in your everyday life

in order for you to learn how to actually love your life and love being alone and love being content as a single woman.

Make new friends, try a new hobby, maybe start working on a side project that you always thought about doing, but you never had time before.

You know, make a list of things that maybe you always wanted to do, but you never did. Maybe make a list of places that you want to go, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

And you are much more likely to find the partner that you want. But this desperate for a relationship type vibe has to go.
I hope you guys agree with me.

Next one.

This is a very interesting one and I hope most people agree with me.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half, and I feel it's time for us to move in together.

I brought this up to him this weekend since my lease is up in two months, and he told me he would help me find another place,

but he is not ready to move in together. I am devastated.
What should I do?

Well,

I am always, always, always

the opinion that you should never have to pressure anyone into that step.

If you have to ask or have this awkward conversation about it, if one party is not ready for it, there is no point in pushing. Moving in together is a big step, right?

Whether it doesn't matter that you're not married on paper, but moving in together entails a lot of different things.

If both people are ready, I mean, you will know, right? Because you're going to look in each other's eyes and say, oh my God, baby, I can't wait to have you here, la la la.

But if your boyfriend told you, I will help you find another place, obviously, he doesn't feel ready.

So the first step is to sit down and talk about it and figure out if you guys are on the same page about everything regarding a relationship. Now,

pressuring or saying like, oh, my lease is up. Isn't this the right time? Maybe it's the right time for you, but it's not the right time for him.
And it needs to be the right time for both.

Interestingly enough, last night I was watching this Netflix series that I absolutely love, and as season two just dropped. I don't know if you guys watched it, it's called Nobody Wants This,

and it's such a cute romantic comedy.

And they are in season two, this couple has been dating and they have a lot of issues.

I'm not gonna ruin it for those of you guys who haven't watched it, but anyways, season two, at one point, the girl is going to be evicted from her apartment, and she feels just kind of like this message that I got.

She feels that the natural step is to move in with her boyfriend because they spend pretty much every night together, they're madly in love, la la la la.

And he tells her for whatever reason that he's not ready to do that. And she gets super, super, super hurt.
Now, this is what I'm going to say, ladies. In general,

it is never a good idea to try to push a guy into that step. Couples that end up moving together is really because

both of them are completely, completely, completely in that place. And funny enough, usually the guy is the one that says, oh my God, you know, I love you so much.

I mean, I spend almost every night here, or you spend almost every night at my place. We might as well take the next step and get a place together.

But if you feel that you are having to pressure your boyfriend, your significant other for that step, then I think that's a time to take a break, like stop, let's have this conversation.

And if both of you are on the same page, what I would say is don't get offended because many times the person is madly in love with you.

But there are other reasons, like some people want to date longer.

Some people don't want to jump into this commitment because they have trauma in terms of feeling married again too soon.

I mean, just try to figure out what the exact issues are as to why that person is not ready for it instead of taking it like a personal attack on you.

I mean, that's my two sense on it because, as you guys know, I just speak from my experience and my personal opinion. I'm not a

relationship therapist or anything, but that's my take on the situation. And if you guys haven't watched this show and you have a little time, I highly recommend it.
It's adorable.

Next one: What is the biggest mistake you've ever made when it comes to dating?

I think for sure, my biggest mistake always, time and time and time again, that I am really hoping I will never make this mistake again is not following my initial instinct when it comes to dating someone.

And I think I've said that many times before here on this podcast.

Like, you know, when you meet a person the first date, and my gut is telling me that that person is not my person for whatever different reasons.

And I ignore my gut and I'm like, oh, whatever, you know, I'm gonna give this person a chance.

And then I keep giving them chance after chance after chance, although I know that person is not my person.

And sure enough, all the times I did that, it backfired and turned out to be a huge disaster.

One of the situations is actually one of the episodes we are dropping for our short movie series next week. Next week, and I have talked about it several times in the podcast before.

About three years ago, I was dating this guy that we met on Bumble and everything was going great.

My initial instinct about him, like the very, very first thing, I was like, I don't want to date this guy.

for many reasons, but mostly because he told me he had just gotten out of a very long marriage. He was freshly divorced.

He claimed emphatically that he was so ready for a new relationship, that I was the woman he wanted to date, that he was ready, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And so I kind of believed him, but my gut instinct told me this dude is not ready. He has a lifestyle that I'm not interested in.
There are certain things about him I don't like.

And I kept ignoring all of those red flags until, sure enough,

months and months into our relationship, after we were all over each other's lives, he was all over my life. He met my friends.
I met his friends. We traveled together.
We did so many things together.

La la la. One day I was in a super vulnerable moment, like super vulnerable moment.
Just picture this if you guys can.

I was at his house, wrapped on a towel, sitting on his couch after this wonderful afternoon of having sex, spending the time together.

You know, you're feeling as a woman, and I'm sure most women out there agree with me, you're like in the super safe space, right? You're with the guy you're dating. He cares so much about you.

You guys are having this amazing relationship for months. So I'm sitting there super relaxed.

He comes wake me up from a nap, and he actually told me that he was still on bumble, that he had nothing to do with me, that he was still on bumble to feed his ego because he loved the attention of all these women on bumble after that marriage.

Obviously, the Catherine that I am today, I would have started laughing and saying, Oh my God, you immature, middle-aged

loser, like you're having such a midlife crisis right now. I would laugh and leave.
But the Catherine that I was back then,

still healing from being such an abusive marriage for so long, I still someplace inside my brain thought that it was okay to be treated like that by men.

So I kept getting tangled up with bad man after bad man after bad man, such as this moron who was like in his 50s and playing the field, like he wanted his cake and eat it too, right?

He wanted a relationship with me, and at the same time, keep looking at his choices, scrolling through bumbo.

And, you know, I'm all in completely loyal and invested because when I'm with one man, I'm with one man. So that was a big one.
And after that, I made the same mistake again with other people I dated.

I met someone, and I there are a bunch of red flags about them, and I'm like ignoring the red flags and got burned again and again and again.

So now, when I do the short movies, and we make fun of the situation, and I swear to God, guys, when I was filming them with my crew and these wonderful actors that came to represent these dudes, we started laughing.

And seriously, after you go back, after you look back, you're like, it is laughable, right? Like, who the hell says that to someone? So, definitely, I would say

if you're single and you are dating, or you meet someone, and your gut is telling, This is not my person, listen to your gut, because I think 99.9%

of the time, our gut is going to be ready. And that happened to me time and time and time again.

Those of you who follow the podcast have heard the candles, Lamborghini, and Lingerais story, which was the dude that was dating last year, turned out to be this huge douche, pathological liar, functioning alcoholic, crazy, crazy story.

Now I laugh about it. Same thing where we dropped the short video about the candle story that he gave me a candle for Christmas.
So you guys gotta go there and watch and leave your opinion.

But that's my true cents. My biggest daily mistake.
Of course, I made many, many, many. I mean, I could talk for a million hours, but my biggest one is that I didn't used to follow my instincts.

But I definitely think I learned from all of these mistakes and

moving on. Hopefully, I won't do that again.

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Now, this one.

She's like, I desperately need advice. And I think a lot of girls send similar emails similar to this one.
But I'm going to read this one to you girls really quickly.

The worst worst feeling for a woman is when she tries to have a conversation with a man about his behavior, capital letters, that hurts her every day.

But instead of listening, he gets angry and turns the situation around on her. This has been my life for the last nine months.

It's like pouring my heart out, sharing my deepest feelings, and being met with defensiveness and blame. It's invalidating, dismissive, and painful.
I'm not trying to attack him.

I'm trying to communicate my needs and feelings. I'm seeking understanding, empathy, and acknowledgement.

But instead, he's more concerned with being right and me following his leadership than being accountable. He's more focused on defending his ego than healing the relationship.

I know this is a pattern of gaslighting and deflection. I'm glad she knows that.
Okay.

It's devastating. It leaves me feeling unheard, unseen, and unvalued.
I'm always wondering if I'm overreacting, if I'm the problem. But deep down, I know I'm not.

He gets mad at me and then punishes me by not answering my calls or text messages for days. He often tells me I have a stomach like an Ethiopian and I need to lose weight.
Oh my God.

She's 5'2 ⁇ , and 148 pounds. He used to tell me that I look like a dyke when we first started dating.
So I added hair, which eventually took some of my hair out. So now my hair is thin.

He FaceTimed me one day and said he didn't like how I was wearing my hair.

There is so much more. I don't know what to do.
I love him and I want to be in this relationship. Please help.
Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

First of all, after being in an abusive marriage for 15 years where I was massively, massively criticized, I will tell you, get the hell out.

This is not love. When somebody criticizes your appearance, when somebody puts you down, when somebody somebody diminishes you, this type of behavior will only continue.
Believe me.

And I also learned that from experience. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
So if you allow someone to call you names, to say, hey, you need to lose weight, you need to do this.

I don't like your hair. I don't like your clothes.
Believe me, they will keep treating you like that. And no woman deserves that from a partner.

Love is supposed to make you feel gorgeous, amazing, loved, cared for, and not criticized. So, if you continue to accept the situation, he will continue doing that to you.

So, it's been nine freaking months. Obviously, this dude is a massive narcissist, and he only cares about himself.
Like, you wrote several times, you don't feel validated, you don't feel heard.

Who the hell wants to be in a relationship like that?

So, the end of this phrase, I love him, should be, but I love me more.

The sooner you put yourself first, the sooner you get the hell out, the sooner you will be on your way to healing and finding a partner that appreciates you exactly the way you are.

And I'm saying that I get these types of emails, variations of these emails. Like, he doesn't listen to me, He calls me names.
Like, this guy literally ghosts her for days to punish her.

Nobody should be punished in a relationship. If you don't want to talk to the person for a few days, just say, like, look, dude, leave me alone.
I want to call off for whatever reason.

But nobody should feel they're being punished.

And if you feel unheard, if you feel unseen, if this relationship is making you miserable for nine months of your life, I mean, how long more do you want to go through that? And I always say that.

I hope to God no woman in this world takes as long as I did to get out of a miserable, abusive relationship. Remember that it took me 15 freaking

years to learn these things that I'm saying to you now here in a few minutes. Self-love first, self-preservation, self-care.
Do not stay. If you think you can change him, it's not going to happen.

I tried. People ask me, why did you stay? Why did you stay? I did stay.

I was so young and I was so naive.

Every time he called me names, every time he abused me, every time he did something to me, a few days later he would come back or he would apologize and everything was fine for a few days.

So I would justify it in my head, oh, he loves me.

He's gonna change for me or oh my love is so big that i'm going to make him change and show him that he needs to appreciate me bullshit nobody's going to change for you because you want them to change and i promise you if this dude didn't appreciate you the way you are in nine months if this dude is not treating you with kindness and respect and loving you the way you deserve to be loved it's not going to happen in a year It's not going to happen in two years.

It will only snowball. It will only get worse.
You need to find a partner. You deserve a partner that loves you

exactly the way you are. So if you are listening, please, please gather your self-love, gather your pieces, and get the hell out.
out

the minute you start putting self-love and self-care first every single single day you will get a little bit stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger.

And of course, when you fall in the right hands, when you fall in the hands of someone that actually loves you the way you deserve to be loved, you are going to look back and say, What the hell was I thinking?

But the type of behavior that he is

doing to you, no woman in the world deserves, and it only gets worse. I promise you.

So, remember, this lady that wrote this, and anybody out there that sends similar messages, every day that you spend in a crappy relationship, being treated like shit, being called names, being told you need to lose weight or change your clothes or change your hair, is a day that the right person for you is trying to find you and is not going to be able to find you.

Just get the hell out and practice little tiny acts of self-love. It can be anything.
It can be, if you feel you want to get in better shape, start walking around in the morning.

Join a gym or a dance class or Pilates, something you've never done before. Or like a pickleball group.
You will meet tons of new people, make new friends, get in better shape.

Write down on a piece of paper. I just sent the same response to another lady that sent me a message today on TikTok, and I gave her the same examples.

Write down a list of small acts of self-love that you could do for yourself.

And if you do at least one baby step every single day, before you know it, you're going to build up your self-esteem and you're going to remember how amazing you are and how you actually deserve to be treated.

So many times when we are in this horrible, abusive relationships, we forget about ourselves.

And you're like, oh, I'm so busy, I go to work, and then I come home, and then I'm with this dude, la la la la. So, write down a piece of paper, what are things that you always wanted to do?

Did you want to take a class, or did you want to maybe start a side gig, like a project that you love? What are you good at?

Put yourself first, but I am begging you guys out there anywhere in the world where you're listening to this show, or if you know a friend in this situation, please share this episode so we can spread out the word.

Every day that you stay with a person that is treating you like shit, that is abusing you, that is being nasty to you, that is not listening to you, that is not allowing you to be heard and be appreciated is a day that you should be alone, taking care of yourself, and allowing the right person to find you.

Please, please remember that, guys. And I promise you, I will try to answer many more emails, messages, DMs faster than we do.
I appreciate every single message that you guys send.

And I always say, I don't think I'm an expert. I think I just learned so much from everything that I've been through in my life.
And this is definitely an open community. So all of us learn together.

And the biggest lesson of them all.

self-love and self-care always

always

have to come first. So I hope you guys remember that.
I love you so much. Don't forget to go to my YouTube channel.

I am dying to know your opinion because I'm having so much fun filming the short videos. And I hope you guys have fun enjoying them.
And let me know what you would do. Are those deal breakers?

Would you have acted any different? Would you have given these people another chance? Please leave your comments on YouTube, cat on the loose show.

And if you enjoyed this podcast, share with your friends so we can keep doing it for you. Thank you so much.
I love you. Be safe out there.

And please, please, first and foremost, love yourselves more.