LAMBORGHINIS, LINGERIE & CANDLES - WHY WE SHOULD NOT IGNORE INITIAL RED FLAGS!

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Hey, everyone. So, on this week's episode of Cat on the Luz, I'm going to tell you guys a story about a relationship that I was in last year for a few months

because

I made a mistake that I thought I was never going to make in my life ever again, which is ignoring red flags and some major warning signs from the get-go.

I mean, I've been doing this podcast, Cat on the Luz, for four years.

We just entered our fifth season fifth year so I thought to myself you know I learned all my lessons I know how to date smarter I am definitely dating with the intention of finding the right relationship for me I know so much better I have interviewed so many experts I will never make the same mistakes again la la la la la and then all of a sudden last year I have no idea why I met this person and there you go.

You know, when you have that vibe, that feeling from the get-go, get-go, you see some warning signs, you see some red flags. You know that person is not your person.

You know that there are so many things about that person that are bothering you and don't feel right. And you keep going, keep going.

And in this story, the plot kept thickening and thickening and getting so crazy and twisted. that even all my friends, as I was telling them the story, they're like, oh my God, what's going on, Kat?

That

I talked to my team about it, and we were like, you have to do an episode about it.

And to help us dissect it and so we can all learn from it, I am bringing in my favorite love coach and relationship expert, Nicole Moore. And by the way, she knows nothing about the story beforehand.

I have not told her anything about it whatsoever because I want her opinions to be as organic and as honest as possible, true to our 100% organic style.

So as I am telling her the story, it's just like as I am telling you guys the story, like you never heard it before, she never heard it before. So here he goes.
Lamborghini, lingerie and candles.

And by the way, you got to stick it to the end because like I said, the plot thickens and thickens and thickens.

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So here she is, my favorite relationship expert and love coach. Hi, Nicole.
Hi, so happy to be back. I'm so happy to have you.
I missed you so much.

So this is a good one for you. Okay.
Like I told everyone, you don't know anything about the story because I really want your opinions to be 100% honest and organic.

And if I'm the psycho, if I'm the wrong one, if I'm the crazy one, by all means, I know you're going to tell me the truth, right?

Yep. And by the way, the plot thickens, right? So it starts like, so we got to go all the way to the very, very end.
So let's, there's a ton of information.

Let's try to pack everything in 45 minutes as fast as you can. So last year in September, I got this phone call from this guy.

Basically, in a nutshell, he told me we had talked on Hinge a long time ago. And when we talked on Hinge, he was going through a divorce.
And I was like, no, thank you.

Cause I don't go, I don't date guys that are going through divorce. And I just hung up on him.
And he said he never forgot about me. And he literally put me on his calendar.

And he was like, once I go through the divorce, once I get over everything that I have to get over, I'm going to call Catherine. She's the woman I want to date.
She's the woman I want to be with.

What? Exactly. So when he called me in September, he was like, this is it.
I'm ready. I'm ready for a relationship.
And I didn't even remember who he was. Yeah.
Yeah. And so he sends me his LinkedIn.

He sends me his name. We're going to call him Mr.
Lambo. Okay, Mr.
Lamborghini. We have to protect his identity.

So he sent me all this information and he was so like secure of himself. I was like, okay, I'm going to give this guy a shot, right? Why not? So he's like, by the way, I also live in Beverly Hills.

So we were literally like a few blocks from each other, which is good, right? Geography is important, Jimmy,

because it really helps the dating game. So he was like, let's go out to dinner.
He seemed so secure. So I agreed.
So, okay, I'm like, I have nothing to lose. I go out to dinner with this guy.

So the first date, here it is. Like, now you tell me your opinion about this very first one.
To me,

this is one mistake that I think I made, and I had told myself I was never gonna make that mistake again.

When he arrived at the restaurant, um, he was not like my physical type, like the type of guy that I would normally date. She's shaking her head, but were you attracted to him, or no?

No, so looking at him, no, I was like, he was very, very, very, very skinny, like

not super skinny. Yeah, he's okay, like, he has a beautiful beautiful smile, you know, super well dressed, like very bougie with his clothes because he's wealthy.
He makes a lot of money.

But you know, when I looked at him, it was that he would never be the kind of guy that I would date.

But I, you know, I'm like, I'm going to sit down and have dinner with this guy, right? Yeah.

But in hindsight, I think if your first impression tells you like, this is not a person that I would be with in the long run. To me, that's kind of like a little red flag or warning sign.

It is. I mean, there, I think there's very few women who actually grow in physical attraction over time.
Like, I have heard women say, I don't really care what it looks like.

And for me, I'm like, what are you talking about? There are women like that, but I feel like if you're like that, you know. And if you're not like that, you know.

So many women are like, should I, should I give them a chance if I'm not physically attracted? And I'm like, what do you think is going to happen down the line?

You could like somebody's personality, but you can't force yourself to like somebody physically, right? Like it just doesn't cross over for most women.

There are some, and if you're not like that, and if you're turned off, really turned off by how he looks, or you're just not attracted, it's not gonna, it's not gonna work long term.

It's not if attraction is important to you, some people don't care. No, no, someone eat it.
Yeah, the chemistry is really important to me.

But when I looked at him, I thought, okay, I'm not, you know, yeah, so that, hold on, you're gonna, we're gonna get there to the chemistry. But talking to him, I'm a major sapiosexual, right?

I like the mental connection, Super intelligent guy, beautiful smile. I'm like, okay, I'm intrigued.
Now, he said one phrase that I should have paid attention. That's another thing, right?

That I tell women.

If a guy tells you something, we cannot ignore it.

As we were talking and I told him that I have my businesses and I do the podcast, na-na-na, and I love working and I want a partner that is really supportive of everything that I do.

He was like, he has a corporate job, by the way. He's very wealthy, but he gets a a paycheck.

He was like, oh, you know, I want to be in a relationship, but when I'm with that person, I want to be with them. But when I'm not with that person, I really, really don't care about anything.

I don't care about what they do. Exactly.

No, no, no, because then he wants you to not care about what he's doing too. But that's kind of like a red flag in the sense, like, I want my partner to care about me.

Like, if you're not, like, that's, you have to have some big emotional emotional issue if you're not going to care about your.

And he's basically saying, if you're not in front of me, I don't care about you. Pretty much.
Like, that's, that's a red flag.

That's a red flag. So that was on the back of my mind.
Wait, guys. Like I said, the plot is going to thicken a lot.

But I, okay, so we had a nice first date. At the very end of the first date, he was like, okay, I really like you.
I'm going to take you on a second date. So

I was thinking about it. I didn't really want to go.
But what I like in a man, and I do think this was a pro. I started, I literally got a piece of paper and I do a column, pros and cons.

So it's like, okay, it's nice because he doesn't keep me waiting. He makes a plan for the following weekend.
Yeah. Right.
Which is nice in a guy. Right.
Because a lot of guys don't do that. Yeah.

That part is nice, but it's also like he's pushing his own agenda from the start. It's like, I decided I want to be with you.
And so like, let's move this according to how I, it's almost like

you don't have a choice. It's like, okay, this is what I want.
Let's go. It's so good to talk to an expert.

So, yes, in general, but like women would love if a guy doesn't leave them waiting. You know what I mean? But it's almost like it feels like he is.

It's like he read a book on what women want.

And so he's like, I'm going to do these things and then they're going to like me because women like when we make plans, when we schedule dates, and when we like pursue, it's like, did he read a book on those things to overcompensate for personality defects that I know you're going to tell me about?

exactly no yeah wait because it's gonna get yeah it's gonna get worse but it's interesting because when you are in a situation you don't notice that so okay i went on a second date i same thing i was thinking like oh do i really want to be with this guy second date sweet smiling no no no third date fourth date so i think finally on the fourth date we kissed when he kissed me it was a good kiss like we had chemistry so i was really surprised i was like wow we have chemistry i really liked his kiss and i liked liked his hands.

I'm like a hand person.

And

he was super skinny, but his hands looked good. So I'm like, okay,

this is nice. So I think because I had that attraction, like, you know,

the chemistry was there, I kept going on more dates. And then at one point, one of these dates, we were having dinner.
He said to me, oh my God, I really like you.

I really think we're developing into something.

I want to plan more dates with you, la la. But the only thing I want to tell you is I don't want to talk to you every day.

What? I wish you guys could see Nicole's face.

Exactly. Like in the middle of dinner, this super romantic dinner, he would literally pick the best restaurants around Beverly Hills.
Okay, great. You're paying for dinner.
Good for you.

Yeah, in the middle of dinner, he was like, I really like you. You're amazing.
You communicate so well. Everything is so great between us.
Everything is so easy between us.

But I just don't want to have have to like text and talk every day. Oh my God.
And but no explanation. Just like, okay, I just, again, it's like his agenda is always, he's always pushing his agenda.

What about what you want? Right. So I was like, you like that connection.
Yeah, exactly. So I started laughing.
And then that was the first problem, right?

Because from now, a month, like a few weeks are going by. And this is exactly how this dude was.
So let's say we would go on a date on Saturday.

He would totally go radio silent like Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday and then maybe Thursday he would appear like super super super formal like more formal than my clients treat me like for example

hello Catherine I hope you are well

you know what I mean not like somebody I'm kissing and dating and then he would be like I made dinner reservations for tomorrow night at 7 p.m.

at whatever place looking forward to seeing you like he's so he's not again, he's not asking.

He doesn't care about if you're available. It's just like everything he wants.
And then what is he doing all those other days where he's not talking to you? Well, so, okay, so then it evolved.

We finally, like, I think six or seven weeks into it, we had a weekend like to have sex because I wanted to have sex with him to see chemistry. We had sex.
It was okay. It wasn't fabulous.

I think he thought it was more fabulous than for me. I obviously blew it out of proportion because I wanted him to feel good.
You know, I'm like, okay,

I was in between because of these things that I'm telling, because of his formality, his lack of communication. After that, he was like, we are exclusive.
I'm out of the dating apps.

But like, he was doing me a favor. He kept reminding me, you know, I'm planning all these dates and I'm out of the dating apps for you.
So who cares if I disappear?

Like, if I don't talk to you for a few days, when I show up, I'm with you completely. You know, he kept claiming that it was his personality, that it was just his

other days, like

he was working, he was super busy, he was home, he just needed it was just his personality, it was just his personality.

And then he kept saying, Look, I'm only with you, I'm only dating you, I'm out of the dating apps, it's just my style, it's just the way I am. But he did it over and over and over.

And my personality is the opposite, right? I'm super warm, I like, yeah,

But this is one question that I have for you as an expert.

I don't think responding to somebody's text, like somebody you're dating month after month after month, I don't think it has anything to do with personality, right?

I think like it's being, it's retributing or caring about the person, right?

Like that is weird that he wouldn't be thinking of you in between the dates. And also, what's weird is that he doesn't care at all about your communication needs.

Like in a good relationship, it's like, okay, even if I, so one thing that I'll say is that he's open about how he is and what he likes.

Like that's good, but he's not caring about your side of the street. Like it could be, well, I, I don't prefer communicating, but what do you need? Like, do I need to set a check-in text?

Like he wasn't even doing anything to make you feel better on your side of the street based on your communication style.

Like that is a big red flag because it's like, does he care about what you need? Right. And I try to have this conversation.

And he actually said to me many times, oh, you're the best communicator I ever met. You're so open, blah, blah, blah.
Now, the Lomborghini part.

So we're dating, I think, for like two months or ever, one time. Yeah, two months.
And he tells me this story, right? That he always loved fast cars, blah, blah, blah. That his dad had a Farade.

And I said, oh, interestingly enough, you guys are going to understand why this is such an important part of the story in a second. And I said, oh, I have two really good friends.

They are the owners and founders of one of of the top private members-only car clubs in the United States. So I can connect you because it's a really cool community.

Like everybody there owns a fancy car, like a fast car, like Lombardy, Frari Sports. And it's a huge community.
It's couples,

you know, they do events like lunches, car drives, dinners. It's a great way for you to make new friends.
Because by the way, he didn't really have any friends. He wasn't sociable at all.

he was married for a long time and apparently him and his wife never did

and he was like wow that's amazing will you introduce me blah blah blah sure so i made the bridge i introduced him to my friends and we went to an event they allowed him to participate right on the first event to see if he liked it to become a member He loved it.

My friends, well, you know, approved him to become a member of this club. I'm not going to say the name, right, to protect everyone.
And he became a member of this club.

club and he was like, Oh my god, thank you so much. It's amazing.
He bought himself,

then he goes to the Lamborghini here in Beverly Hills. He's like, Oh, I'm gonna buy myself a Lamborghini.
I'm like, I'm super happy for you, super supportive.

Went with him, got the Lamborghini, took all these pictures. He was like, Oh my God, you made one of my dreams come true.
I was always postponing it. Thank you for encouraging me.
Life is so short.

No, no, no. The first event we go, remember, these people from this car club are my close friends, right? My close friends.
So the first event was like a car drive.

And then at night, there was this big dinner party, like at a really nice restaurant here in West Hollywood.

So we drive the cars during the day, the whole day. And there was a break between the drive and the dinner, right? We go to his place and he starts drinking.

And in an empty stomach and I thought, wow, okay, I think this guy, I was married to an alcoholic. I don't know if you remember that, Nicole.

Yeah. So I'm like traumatized by people that don't know how to hold the alcohol.
But I'm looking at him. I'm like, wow, I barely know this dude.
He must know what he's doing, right?

He must know how much he's drinking.

And by the time we go to the event, which was supposed to be this fabulous sit-down dinner, basically he's completely out of it. He arrives at the event and he's hammered, shit-faced.
Oh my gosh.

fake there's like 150 people there like 70 couples

and my friends there and everything is the we are dressed to the nines everybody dressed super high end and this guy did not know where he was that is a red flag exactly and i was so embarrassed i was so embarrassed i which to me was deja vu right i was like i can't believe i'm like with my alcoholic husband that died again.

I almost had to, we could not stay for dinner like he he no no kidding yeah no kidding he could not even stay sit down straight like he was blurring his word he could he was like

he could barely walk outside to get us the uber he didn't remember where we were

So we go back, right? We were supposed to sleep at his place. I grabbed my shit in the middle of the night, took an Uber.
I'm like, I'm out of here. Yeah, yeah.

So to me, again, that day, I should have said, this guy is like semi-alcoholic right because yeah i mean that's weird just to get plastered for no reason in the middle of the day and when not even drinking with you just like yeah it was like five exactly he got hammered but not like a little

he didn't remember where he was so did he explain why yeah so the next morning he calls me and comes over to apologize and he he thought that he thought we were over he's like oh my god i'm so sorry you such a nice lady blah blah blah i never should have done that to you and i forgave him

i was like okay why did he but why why did he did he say why he did it he didn't know he was like i think i was too stressed it was the first event and i was too excited and i'm so sorry i never did this but that's weird to be that stressed over like an event right why especially if you like if he wouldn't he be comfortable he already makes money like you aren't you comfortable around people that make money and have cars like what is the need?

Why would you be nervous? Right? Exactly. So, but this to me was a huge red fly because, like I said, I was married to an alcoholic and I know this is how an alcohol problem starts.

You think you have it under control and you go to a freaking social event and you can't control your alcohol. And I was super embarrassed because I had to drag him out of there.

And I texted my friends and I came up with an excuse, like, guys, I'm so sorry I didn't say goodbye because you know, Mr.

Lambeau was tired, tired had a little too much to drink i was mortified you know mortified yeah god knows why i forgave him and gave him a chance and continued dating him

now the plot is gonna thicken remember so he is spending all this money on himself right he makes 10 is he buying you stuff too like are you at least getting bags and jewelry and stuff for this zero zero zero

this is another question so now the the plot is really gonna thicken that is also a red flag because if he has the means and he's not spending it on you when you're exclusive, like that is a big red, like I would expect at this point you have a bag.

No, nothing. He never gave me like,

he paid for our dates. And then like we went, for example, to San Diego one week and the second event of this car club was one night in San Diego.

And he said, I want you to go with me. And I said, sure, but I have to leave my dogs with a pet sitter.
And that's a lot of money for me for the weekend. It's not on my budget right now.

He knows my whole life. He knows my story.
He knows my expense. He was like, okay, tell me everything you need.
I'll pay for it. Okay.

I'm like, okay, if you want me to go with you, I think that's fair, right? Yeah. Yeah.
On the way back from San Diego. I'm like, so I personally, I think he should have just sent the money, right?

That's what I

wish he would just send the money. But on the way back, I'm like, okay, so I'm going to have to pay my, he's like, how much do you need? So I tell him an amount.

You guys are not gonna believe this. I tell him an amount for the whole weekend.
He sends me less than that amount.

For what? Why? Why? Exactly. I have no idea.
Like my best friend said, it's like he put a cap on how much he was going to help me without telling me. That was like,

yeah, and it's like it costs how much to cost. Like, if you were open, this is what I need.
He should be paying like all or more. Like, what? Exactly.
This guy is super wealthy.

And this is the thing, too, that we talked about many times. Getting ready for these dates costs a lot of money, right? We spend the toe, like nails, waxing, hair, makeup, clothes.

No, no, no, it always looks like a million dollars. Costs a lot more than dinner.
Yeah. And this guy makes a lot more money than me.
I have a lot of responses. I'm a business owner.

I don't have a paycheck. Could you ask him, like, why didn't you send the whole, like, this is so weird? I was so in in shock.
I'm like, that would have send a turn off. Like, what? Exactly.

So at that point, I'm like, you know, so I'm computing all these things in my head. Like, why is this guy treating me like this? It's so bizarre.
You know, so now,

exactly. And remember, and he's buying himself like a Lomborghini cash and all this shit.
So this, remember, now we're coming near the holidays, right? Christmas season.

And his birthday is just a few days before Christmas. So I'm thinking like, first, I don't want to break up with anybody just before Christmas and their birthday.
I wasn't sure about what to do.

So I'm like, let's keep going a little more. Maybe things are going to get better during the holidays, right? Maybe he's going to treat me properly during the holidays.

And I'm thinking, what am I going to give this dude that has everything for his birthday?

So I find out that Lamborghini makes wines. I don't know.

And I'm like, I'm going to buy him a Lamborghini wine. Yeah.
And for me, it's a lot of money. I buy him a Lamborghini wine.
He was loved that he didn't even know it existed.

He sends a picture to his father, la la la la la. Great.
Christmas comes around.

He's like, I'm going to take you to dinner on Christmas Day, Christmas night, because he spent Christmas Day with his father. I hope that's not the gift because dinner is not a gift.
Well, exactly.

So I thought to myself, I cannot buy him another gift. So I bought sexy lingerie, which is something that he always loved and we always talked about.
So we have dinner.

We go to his place and I unpack myself, like, oh, this is your gift. And he's like, oh, I'll take it.
Thank you so much. I love it.

And then he's dropping me off at home, by the way, because my dogs were not welcome in his place. He didn't, that's a whole other, yeah, he didn't like, Nicole is shaking her head.
No, no, no, no.

I know. Because again, everything is according to him.
It's like he's not accommodating you. No, not at all.

Yeah, exactly. And he's acting like he's doing me a favor, right? For this day.
Yeah. So anyway, then he drops me off and he's like, bye, Merry Christmas.
No gift. Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing.
Done.

Done.

And no, listen, it's going to get worse, guys. Wait.
This is why we have Nicole here.

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Okay. Exactly.
And I think like all my, I have my two best friends are guys and they both said the same thing. He's a very well-educated, very intelligent man very successful he knows better he knows

like does he have like um like asperger or something where he's like not it's like it's not his fault like does he have like no he doesn't have that because like sometimes it could be like there's something actually going on it's like he has a chip missing or something exactly because like my friend said they said he knows better he simply didn't want to put the effort Because he knows.

He knows every we talked about perfume, things we like, things we have in common, the similar lifestyle. We both live in Beverly Hills, we both love the same restaurants.

We talk about all of these things, you know, the commonalities. He simply didn't want to put any effort into it.

So then when he said, he noticed, like when he dropped me off, that I made this space, like, and he's, he asked me, and I said, look, I'm going to be really honest with you, because I don't know how to be any other way.

It's Christmas. You know, I'm sad because my family isn't here.
You know, I couldn't fly them here.

I'm going through a lot of things.

I wish you did a gesture for me towards me, you know, even if it was a card, a little gift card, something.

You're dating me, you know, you didn't think about anything for me.

So, two days later, he responds like, hi, Catherine. I would love to take you on a dinner on Friday.
And by the way, I got you a gift.

After the fact, so i'm like you're gonna die when you listen to the gift story nicole and everybody listening so first i'm like after the fact i'm not sure how good that is

right

after the fact i'm like why are you doing it after

the fact it better be so wow amazing making up for it you're gonna die of a heart attack

like can he get you a birkin at this point like what are the oh my god you're gonna die that's what he's dropping cash on a lot, I just don't understand. If he's dropping cash,

then this is not somebody who's like faking their wealth. No, listen, no, no, he makes really good money.
He's very calm about finances, la la la la la.

Like I said, he went and dropped a lot of cash for a Lamborghini, right? So

it was really just like, I agree. My two guy friends said the same thing.
He was not interested. He didn't give a fuck about putting an effort

in doing something nice for me, period. So

we go out to dinner, fine. Then he brings me this little gift bag.
So I open the gift bag

and it's a candle.

A candle. Not even like a Joe Malone.
It's like right now. No, it's a candle from a French store.
There is a French store on Marrose Place. I'm like, oh, thank you.

And he's like, oh, I did a lot of research about this French candle and I know you have French. And I went there and I meant to go there before Christmas.
I was so busy here. Merry Christmas.

No, I'm sorry. No, that's not enough.

No, it's not enough. It gets worse.
First, you probably would have been like, Thank you so much for the gesture. But after a candle,

but wait, it gets worse. That's not the end of it.

I'm thinking about being materialistic at this point. It's like, you need like making up, you need to do something big.
Right. But wait, it gets worse.
Okay.

That's not the end. I agree with you.
So, I got the candles, like, okay, thank you very much. What am I gonna say, right? But I was like, does he really think of all the gifts in the world, right?

This is a gift you give to your Pilates instructor, to a housewarming gift. If somebody throws a party, right? If somebody throws a holiday party, not the girl you're dating, you're sleeping with.

It's not romantic after everything.

So, that same day, like two hours later, I go have brunch with one of my best friends at Earth Cafe on Marrow's Place. And I'm telling my friend exactly what I'm telling you now.

And my friend is like, oh my God, I got to go see my mother-in-law today for Christmas. Let's go to this store.
Let's look at these candles.

Maybe I'll just freaking buy my mother-in-law a candle because this is the gift you buy a mother-in-law, not the woman you're dating. So we walk to the store, Nicole, and it's a tiny boutique store.

All they make is candles and tiny, tiny little perfumes. So we're looking around, and I tell the oh my god, you know, this guy that I'm dating got me this candle yesterday.
His name is Mr.

Lambo, and the store is like tiny, the size of a bathroom. The lady's like, oh, yeah, I remember him.
He just walked in here yesterday. He bought two candles.

I'm like, what? She's like, yeah, he bought two candles, exactly the same candles. He came in here, super nice guy.
And I'm like, are you serious? Can I see the receipt? And she showed me the receipt.

So I know it's true.

Exactly. So you guys can, I was so humiliated in front of my friend.
I was so embarrassed. So he lied that he went there specifically for me.

And he bought two candles.

Exactly. So I went home immediately.
I texted him and I said, can we do a video call? I need to do a video call because I need to look at at your face and I need to talk to you.

So we do a video call and I said, so did you go to the store to buy me the candle? And he started lying like, yes, yes. I said, okay, I'm going to give you one more chance.

Who was the second candle for? And then he got red as a beet. And then he was like, oh, it was for my coworker because he has a coworker that he's really close with.

Yeah, but even if that was the truth, you should not be getting the same level of gift as a coworker. And why would he lie?

Like, why? If it was just for a co-worker, why would he lie first and saying that he got it for you? Bingo, exactly. You just said, that's what I told him.

I said, I would never go and buy my client the exact same gift I'm buying you.

Like, how insensitive. And then he's sitting there looking at me like he didn't do anything wrong, Nicole.
He's looking at me on video. Then he had the balls to say, well, listen, Catherine,

I got out of the dating apps for you. I have been enabling our dates.

What?

Why are you acting like him getting out of the dating apps is a favor. Exactly.
I'm doing the same, right? I was also out of the dating apps. I'm very respectful, very loyal.

Which probably means he hasn't even been out of the dating apps this whole time. If he keeps saying that over and over again, I would be like, so you want to be on the dating apps?

Because basically, what he's telling you is like, he wants to be on those dating apps so badly that him getting off of them for you is a gift.

So in my mind, I'd be like, you're probably still on the dating apps. You keep mentioning it over and over again.
And I said, but I said the same thing. I'm doing the same thing for him, right?

So it's not a favor. But when you use the word enabling, he's like, I'm enabling our dates.
Like, well, you're enabling our dates because you're paying for freaking dinner.

I'm enabling them as well, right? Because I'm there with you. I'm spending a fortune every week getting ready for these dates.
I look like a million bucks on these dates.

I put you in one of the best car clubs in the country so you make new friends. I'm going out of my way for you.
And you think it's okay.

Like, this is not like he's like scrambling up pennies to

date. No.
But that's the thing. And he did not see anything wrong with buying the candle.
He was like, I was in a hurry. I needed to get her, my coworker, a gift.
So I was like, whatever.

I might as well get the same in his mind he did not see anything wrong how offensive that was

yeah

also is it really for a co-worker like what right exactly at that point i'm like i don't know if he's lying because i caught him on a lie so it was all he is lying because he if it was just for a co-worker he wouldn't have said at first he didn't get he only got it for you he would have just told you like that's he was lying probably no i agree with you at that point i'm like i don't know who to be And I don't like lies because I, especially in the beginning, right?

And especially something so insensitive like that. So I'm like, you know what? It's just too many red flags.

And then I started wondering, and this is why I brought you here, because I first I asked my two best friends, like, am I the selfish one, the insensitive one? Should I just appreciate it?

You're not, but you, you are enabling, like, you don't say no quick enough.

Because like, I think he found you and he's like, she's perfect for me because she you're so good on your side of the street like you're doing you didn't do anything wrong so like you're great for him and you're also agreeable so he's like i hit the jackpot this is somebody who like i can he it's like he can get all his needs met with you and then because you're being so agreeable he doesn't even have to worry about meeting your needs yeah no exactly i think i just kept going with the flow and agreeing with all of his plans and when i opened my mouth i felt like he was gaslighting me instead of listening listening to me, he would literally just say, oh, I'm paying for this and I'm paying for and I'm doing that.

But with the candle, I got so hurt. I got so offended.
Like I can't imagine a guy, like you said, what in your, in a man's mind, and I hope all the men there out there are listening.

You should never put the woman you're dating and sleeping with in the same package. with, you know, business gifts.
It's just

a candle, like that gift would be appropriate if you're not exclusive, if you just started dating, maybe.

But like, if you're exclusive, unless you really don't have the means, women don't just want a candle if guys are listening.

Like, even if he bought you like a massage or something that was actually, you know what I mean? Like, but

we talked about, you know, like he had a bunch of Tom Ford perfumes and we talked about Tom Ford and how I love, he knows I love Tom Ford.

I went inside Sephora one day because my perfume ran out and I bought myself the Tom Ford. He didn't pay for it.
I paid for it. You know, we talked that, you know, what a woman likes, right?

You could buy a million little things, little things to make that woman happy. So I am like, I agree with my guy friends.
I think he did it on purpose. I think he wasn't interested in making me happy.

No, no. He doesn't care about your needs.
He only cares about his needs.

Do you think

this behavior is, I'm not sure, but I think this is some kind of narcissism. He's something.
Like there's a chip mixing in him.

Like, okay, from the very beginning the fact that he's like i don't want to not even like it's not even like oh i don't really like texting that much it's i don't want to think about you in beach like that is

there's something there's a big i don't i don't know if he's a narcissist i don't know what it is but there's a big chip missing if he doesn't want to think about you also the way the texts are so formal it kind of makes me think is there other women in the rotation and he's just like copying and pasting like huh and putting your name in and then someone else's name he swore that we're not he swore and i even forgot to tell you guys by the way on the third event i took him the christmas party of this this car club

he exchanged numbers there was a a woman sitting next to him she was the date of of a member of the club she asked him for his number You know one of these bimbos, right? She asked him for his number.

She said, give me your phone. Give me your cell phone.
I want to put my phone number on your cell phone. He gave it to her, and she put her number, and a lot of people saw it.

A lot of he did that in front of all my friends. A lot of people saw it.
So he disrespected me.

And I remember thinking, oh my God, I am so humiliated. And I had this conversation.
But when he did that, why were you not like, no? Because that was. I was.

I was like, listen, don't do this to me in front of my friends. You're embarrassing me.
This girl came here with one, another member of the club. You are with me.

Don't do this to me in front of people. It's so embarrassing.
You're humiliating me. Look at her.

Why does he need some other girl's number? Right. No, he said, Oh, she asked me.
I didn't know who she was.

I said, But you don't do that in public in the group of my friends that I introduce you to, you know? Like that. No, he's just playing dumb.
Why would a random woman ask for your number? What reason?

Like, she's not a business contact.

Oh, she was, you know, these bimbos that are always around these clubs after like rich successful guys but regardless he should have said sorry i'm here with my date give me your business card right he could have been discreet about it but he literally gave her he he got her his phone and gave it to her and she punched her number in and everybody saw it and two girls of two of the girlfriends of this club they came to me said hey what is he doing why is he getting this girl's number right in front of you.

This is so. And I was, I was embarrassed, you know, I was humiliated.
And did you ask him about it? Yes, I did. And he was like, oh, you know, like you said, he played dumb.
Like, oh, I didn't know.

And I'm like, look, you have to choose. He doesn't care about your feelings.
That's the bottom line. He doesn't care how you feel.
He thinks paying for dates is enough. And it's not, right?

And I think we should not have to teach men how to treat us in public. No, period.

That is grounds for breaking up with him right there. Getting a girl's or letting a girl take his number in A, just because of that, but B, in front of everyone.

And you know, are bringing him into this world. Like he, the bottom thing is, he only cares about himself.
Yeah. He probably wants to line up someone else and he doesn't care about your feelings.

Yeah, no, that's how I felt. I was like, I can't believe you exchanged number with this woman and you were there with me.
And I saw how the other men treat all the other girlfriends all the while.

And I'm like, why am I the only one being disrespected? So yeah, at the end of the day, like you said, I think I put up with too much shit from this guy. That's the one thing that that's your issue.

Like you're, you're not, like you're not the wrong one, but you're putting up with too much. Yeah.
You're letting it slide.

Like it's like you'll see the bad thing, but then you'll, you're so forgiving. But then all it ends up happening is that you, like, you shouldn't be sitting there feeling embarrassed.

He's the one acting. badly, right? But it's making you feel like you're, it's like he's treating you like you're not the valuable woman that you are.
Right.

But this is why I wanted to bring you in because I know so many women do this. Like we see the red signs, we see the warnings, we see the warnings and we keep giving passes.

Like this was the perfect, this is why I'm putting the story right there.

I talked to my team and they were like, let's put this episode forward because we keep giving passes to men misbehaving and treating us disrespectfully. But why? You know?

Because I think it's also like, okay. When a guy is like blatantly cheating on you or like, it's like easy, right? But this is like subtle bad behavior.

And that I think women need to realize you need to say no to that too, because you're, you're enabling him. The more you are just like, okay, yeah, it's okay, you're enabling it, you know?

And like, again, if he was doing more for you, like some people are okay in those kinds of relationships. They'll look the other way if the person is cheating, if they're doing more.

But what was he doing for you other than taking you out to dinner and paying a little bit less than what you needed for dog care?

No, like nothing, nothing.

And he didn't want to have anything to do with my life. Like, for example, even the podcast,

he knows I do the podcast. He loves podcasts.
I didn't listen. Never, ever, like, I would say, oh, look, this article came out about my podcast in the media.
He would be like, oh, that's great, babe.

Congratulations. That's it.
He never,

he was never interested for one second to be like, oh, let me see about her work.

I showed him, oh, look, I'm number three in the USA charts this week yeah i wanted to share you know my excitement with my partner nada nada nada nada nada he's missing an emotional caring chip

like big

time

he just wants somebody who's going to be there when he his needs are

to fulfill his needs yes exactly and by the way so finishing the story when i asked him about confronted about the candle and he realized he got caught in a lie he looked at me and said look cat you know i one thing i really don't want in a relationship is drama

well then stop

creating drama no but i'm like i'm the drama right the guy gets hammered in an event i have to carry him home He's the one that lies to me and buys a post-Christmas gift, like to me and some other woman.

And it's my drama. I think it's his drama, right? It wasn't my drama.

I think his drama was getting caught.

Yeah. I don't think you have, you didn't do anything wrong, Kat.
The only thing you did wrong was you allowed it for too long.

I agree with you. Thank you for validating.
I forgave him. Like he doesn't, like, no, or he, like, this, he doesn't, the thing is, he doesn't want a real relationship.

He doesn't want the emotional aspects. He just wants someone there by his side when he wants some.
When I want the date, you show up.

When I want the exclusive, you, but it's like he doesn't want the emotional caring aspect of a relationship that's the bottom line yeah and that's important especially to women oh my god yeah 1 million percent because if the guy's avoidant if he doesn't want to be this is why I said the first date that phrase should have should have been my red flag if a guy tells you they don't want to know anything about your life because a relationship is a two-way street one you need to meet halfway you need to be interested in each other's in each other's lives right yeah that was the red flag.

Like, you, he gave you the red flag from the start. Like,

that is so odd. Like, that, like, that is like psycho almost, that he doesn't, he doesn't care about

like, there's something really off with him. Yeah, 1 million percent.
So, after that, we were, I had invited him to go to the Sovo house for New Year's, right?

With my friends, because he doesn't have any friends. We decided, no, we're not going to do it.
Let's part ways. This is impossible.
And he said to me, Yeah, I think I'm not meeting your needs.

I said, Yeah,

so

he had sent me money for the two solo house tickets, right? So I said, Okay, I'll refund you the tickets and I'm going to see if I can resell your ticket.

I ended up refunding him the money, never resold his ticket. So I actually ended up making the stupid mistake because I ended up paying for his ticket myself.

And he sent me a message. That's how formal this dude was.
He sent me a message. Thank you for letting me know that you sent me my funds back.

No, no, no, no.

I wish you would have listened. Please don't send me the money back.
Take a girlfriend, enjoy yourself. I'm so sorry about this mess.
I'm so sorry that I did this to you. Nothing to the very end.

He was this cold, bizarre

person, formal, like just worrying about his life and his money and his dying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like he's not the kind of guy that can be in a real relationship. No, I agree.

And I don't know too many women that would be happy in that dynamic long short.

Because, like I said, a lot of women are with these cold businessmen, but they are giving them, they're giving them money, they're buying them things, they're providing these women that only want, some women only want the finances, and like, but he's not even doing that.

Like, it's like he's, it's like he's supposed to be that kind of rich guy that you just look the other way with but he's not doing the rich guy things for you right so it's like what is the point exactly and let me tell you i'm one of the easy ones because i'm not this girls you know there's a lot of women in pever used that like pay for everything and i'm not like that right i don't want a guy to pay for my bills or anything like and i told him that many times but of course i want a guy to be respectful and considerate and kind.

Like I think we all do, right? We all want a guy like that. And I think

this is what I'm curious about. When he was like, I remembered you, did he say what it was about you? Or was he just like, I remembered you? Like, did he say?

It's a combination of things. He's like, obviously, he loved the way I look.
He loved that I was so intelligent.

The fact that we both live really, really close to each other, which obviously that really helps, right? If you're dating someone,

we're literally like two blocks away. And in Beverly Hills, like, you know,

I make my own life around here and he has the same lifestyle, so it was just very convenient for us.

And that's why he says, I love your personality, I like the way you communicate, you're the girl I want to date.

That's what he said.

But who knows, you know, and of course, when we started having sex, I know the sex was really hot for him. I'm not going to lie, it was getting better for me.
It was okay. It wasn't fabulous.

I was exaggerating to make him feel better about it. Yeah.

But obviously, for him, it was probably the best best sex he ever had, of course.

But, like, it's like, this is what I'm doing. No excuse the way he was treating me out of bed.
You know, it was like two personalities, like bipolar personality disorder with this dude, you know?

So, what was he giving you other than just having somebody to like date? Like, exactly. Why? Nothing.
What was, what was like, what was the reason for you to hold on? No, exactly.

That's what I told him. I said, you know, when I'm not with you, I feel complete, complete disconnect.
I feel like I'm completely single.

The reason is like I told you, you know, he kept saying, oh, next Friday we're going to do this. Next Saturday, we're going to do this.
And I'm like, okay, whatever.

You know, I'm so freaking busy the whole week. It's kind of nice to have this guy that likes me plan a date next weekend.
And so I kind of let it go to see if he was going to get better.

But I agree with you. Like I should have listened to all the red flags and put a stop to it.
way sooner than I did. And you just said the mistake I made is that I'm so lenient.
I said, yes, yes, yes.

And he kept abusing it more and more and more. And his behavior kept getting more and more out of line.
I think to the point that it's just blatantly disrespectful, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
Like

getting girls number.

Also, what's, I don't know what's going on with that girl, but like in front of like that is.

Absolute, I don't give a F about you. Oh, yeah, exactly.
These girls, listen, when you're in these car clubs, a lot of rich men, there is always some some bimbo out there.

She's going to try to get a number from another guy to see if she has another date, but he should know better.

Because all the other men there were glued to their date, super respectful, everybody best.

He disrespected me and he disrespected the member that took that girl. And did he say like, I love you to you? No, I never.
Oh, we never got to that point. No.
That's also a red flag. How long?

I mean, what? Three months, three and a half months. No, I love you, right?

But he was definitely like, I'm very content I'm really happy with with you I'm really happy with our relationship I really enjoy being with you I enjoy

like I care about you was he asking about like your feelings was he asking about like your family no never like and he knows my family he knows like all the like the little situations about my sister and my nephew he knows everything like the complexities of my life i would try to open up to him he would kind of listen and change the subject like you said when he wasn't with me that's it you know me

then but that's the end of the story i broke we ended up breaking up like literally one day before new year's and i felt such relief and to end the story i want to to remind everybody that january 1st was new year's right six days later we got hit with the la fires and you as well because you in la

Everybody reached out, right? Even my ex-boyfriends reached out because we are in LA.

I'm lucky lucky that i'm in beverly hills the fires didn't come here but we had a ton of smoke we were scared um everybody was like panicking it was traumatic he did not send me one message what he was the closest person to me literally six days before he doesn't care exactly

the second you guys broke up it's like you're out of his mind exactly like i didn't even exist like a computer deleted a file and i was really really shocked to me this is why i think he's a narcissist because even he doesn't care.

Yeah, like I said, even my ex-boyfriends, people from other countries, people from other states, friends from Instagram, right? Everybody reached out to everybody. Like,

especially single people, right? Are you okay? Do you need help with your dogs? Are you going out of town? We all kind of try to help each other. And this dude is literally like two blocks from me.

He didn't send me, even out of gratitude because of everything I did for him, he didn't send me one message. I did not hear one peep from this guy.

Yeah,

the people who are listening, like,

if they don't care about you emotionally, it's not going to get better.

Like

that kind of thing doesn't get better. It's like he just wanted you along for his ride.
Yeah, exactly. I'm so glad I brought you here because I wanted to make sure I'm not the crazy psycho one.

No, you actually show up good on your side of the street. You communicate, you're trying to give him what he needs, you're trying to make him feel good.

You're like, you're doing all the things right on your side of the street. It's just he is not good for a like emotionally connected relationship.
No, yeah.

Moral of the story, right, Nicole, don't ignore the initial red flags and red warnings. Do you agree?

Yeah, because it doesn't get better, especially if that person, like you talk to them and they make that like, okay, if you talk to them about the issues and they make you wrong, then you can just be certain it's never going to get better.

Like that should be your sign. Okay.
So you ignore a little bit of red flags, fine. Talk to the guy, talk to the woman, whoever it is.
If they don't realize they're wrong and they make you wrong.

you need to go because that is your indication it will never get better. They literally don't want to change.
Yeah, they will not, there you go.

Now we know I'm hopefully I'm not going to make this mistake again. No, you need someone way

better.

I deserve someone way better, guys. If you have a similar story, if anybody has a worse story that you want to share, send it over.
Contact academthaloos.com.

My team is going to look through everything. We want to bring more of these interesting dating stars so we can all learn together.
And we will invite Nicole back.

And if you want to find her work, which is amazing, I love it. Your insights are always on point.
Tell us your Instagram again, Nicole.

Yep, it's at Nicole Moore Love, and that's more like Denis Moore.

I love it, and I'm putting your link here on this episode because I think you're fantastic. Thank you so much for helping.
Thank you so much.

And I'm happy you're safe all the way in Palm Springs.

We've been LA people have been traumatized. Oh my god, a little bit.
I'm very, I feel very lucky and very blessed that everything is okay here in Beverly Hills. But yeah, we've been taking a hit.

Thank you, Nicole. Love you so much.
I'll talk to you very soon. Guys, be safe out there and follow your instincts.

See you guys very soon. Bye.

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