SISTER TALK - OVERCOMING TRAUMA AND TRAGEDY & FINDING HAPPINESS AGAIN

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So I cannot even believe we are kicking off season five of Cat on the Loose this week. Oh my goodness, four years have gone by.
What a journey has been.

If you are new to Cat on the Loose, welcome, welcome, welcome. I welcome you with open arms.
This is a no-judgment zone.

All our episodes are 100% organic, meaning they're never scripted and they're never edited. We never know what we're going to say.
We never know exactly what's going to happen.

It's an open conversation about relationships, about dating. Yes, sometimes about sex, but it's about life.
We are evolving. We are learning together.
I am not an expert.

Cat on the loose started four years ago after I left a very complicated, very abusive marriage to an alcoholic.

And I was starting my life over, and I literally did not know how I was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild. And I was like basically just venting.
And I didn't know how to find my voice again.

I didn't know what I was going to do. And I was really just talking, talking, talking.
And I realized everybody out there had a story they wanted to share.

Everybody out there has something going on at any given moment. And as I was growing an audience, I realized I hit a nerve and I was like, you know what? I'm going to keep going and going and going.

And what once was a tiny, tiny pet project is now such a beautiful, beautiful worldwide community.

And I am so proud of it so if you're new here welcome we drop new episodes every wednesdays on all platforms where you enjoy podcasts and if you know cat on the loose welcome back and we are going to start the season with such an important important important topic that affects so many people everywhere in the world mental health and although i always like to say because it's so important am not an expert in any topic.

This is a topic that I can speak about because it has happened to me time and time and time again. And my guest today

is someone that also has been highly affected by tragedy. My sister, both of us,

we have been hit by so much tragedy in our lives. It's incredible that we've managed to pick up the pieces, survive, rebuild, and recover.

So we are not experts, but we are living proof that yes, you can do it.

And we are also

living proof that it is so important

to talk about it before it gets out of control. And for her, it is so difficult to talk about it because she's the exact opposite of me.
She's a very private person.

Her work is nowhere near the public eye, such as mine is, but she was a very, very brave, very, very brave soul to say, you know what, I'm going to come and I'm going to talk about it.

So if you're suffering from any kind of heartbreak, tragedy, any kind of pain right now, this episode is for you. And if you know anyone who is,

have them them listen to this episode.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, and it is so so important to speak up, it's so so important to ask for help before it gets out of control because so many people suffer in silence before they get help,

and this is why many times it ends in tragedy, such as it happens to people who are very close to us.

So, here it is: a very, very special episode of Cat on the Loose to kick off season five. And remember, I love you guys so much.

And we have 24/7 open lines of communication because this podcast is for all of us. So, if you have anything you want to say, contribute, give us suggestions for future episodes,

your opinion,

please, please, please send it over via WhatsApp 1-305-332-033.

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Here we go.

Email, contact a cat on the loose

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Thank you so much for listening. We love you guys.
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Yes, no kidding. This is how I started Cat on the Loose four years ago.

And now it's one of the top relationships podcasts in the world. So what are you waiting for?

Oh my God, first Cat on the Lose of the season, season five. And I could not start with a more special guest.

And I know you're so private, I can't even believe you're here. My little sister.

I know this is like a really big push for you to do this, right?

You're really out of your comfort zone. Thank you very much.

So I have to say I'm very, very grateful. Well, thank you.
This means the world to me. This is very, very special.
Of course, of course.

And I was saying before we got started that in my introduction that I wanted to do a really special episode because I know the beginning of the year, a lot of people are talking about, you know, goals and dreams and starting over and aspirations.

And they feel stuck. They don't know how to move on with life.
They don't know how to move forward. And I wanted to start by our conversation when you came visit me on Thanksgiving.

For those who don't know, you're in Florida, right? And I'm in California.

So for Thanksgiving, you came over with your adorable, adorable, very precautious, crazy intelligent little son, my nephew, who is now 13, right? Matthias.

And we had such an amazing time. And I remember we were standing in the kitchen and I said to you, we come from from a really difficult background.
We don't come from this great family.

I think we come from a very discombobulated family. You agree with me, right?

Yes.

And we are seven years apart and I know we have very different experiences because I left, I didn't live at home for a really long time and you were still living at home.

So I know you spent much more time with our mom than I did.

We have different experiences, but for a long period of time, we were both around them.

But anyway, the bottom line is: we don't come from like this love-y, dove-y, sweet, amazing, perfect, supportive family. And now that both our parents are gone, it's really just the two of us and

Mateo, and we are both not married. We're gonna get there, we're gonna explain what happened.

But going back to the kitchen, I remember looking and saying, you know, I don't know, I don't know if I call it spell, but I use the word spell jokingly. I said, I think it's up to us

to break the spell of everything bad that happened to our families and create a better future for ourselves and for your kid. Right.
Yes, 100%.

And I think I agree. Yeah.
And I think that's

the hardest part. for a lot of people, right? How do you do that? How do you break away from

tragedy? And this is what I want to touch on because I know it's very difficult. Because I know you're very private.
You don't even do social media.

I do a lot of social media because that's how I promote my work. And a lot of people look at our social media and they see the success and the life we build and everything.

And they think everything is easy, right? They see like

they don't see our battles. But you and I,

I don't know why, but we've been through a hell of a lot of tragedy in our lives.

Yes, very much.

It's terrible. Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to start? Of course.
No, of course.

I can be open and whatever you want to talk about.

Yeah, I think it's important because

just the background to get where I want to get.

So, like I said, I think we grew up in a very complicated household. For me, I think your experience, and I remember you said that you think for you, it was more our mom.

For me, I think my dad resented me because of course he didn't want to marry my mom when she got pregnant but whatever i think they were always they were always very heavy drinkers

and when i was a kid i didn't even notice that and i think that's probably one of the reasons why i ended up marrying an alcoholic because it took me forever and ever and ever to even realize that alcohol abuse was a problem

I don't even know if you noticed that, like our parents were always drinking, always abusing alcohol.

Yeah, I remember our mother more than our father. Yeah.
But, you know, but yeah,

they both,

you know,

were heavy drinkers. Yeah,

I do remember that. Yeah, and I never even said that, but yeah, it's true.
Our mom was always a heavy drinker and she ended up being, she was like.

I think what people call a closet alcoholic, like she would drink and hide the alcohol and she always hoped that people didn't notice that she was drinking.

And it kept getting worse and worse and worse as life went by. And

obviously, it ended up being one of the causes of what killed her. Right.
But I think when I ended up marrying an alcoholic that ended up abusing me, and they were always, my parents were around.

That's one of the reasons that nobody said anything because for them, it was like normal behavior, drinking heavily, you know?

Yeah. yeah i i i never know i mean growing up i never i didn't think it was a thing yeah i didn't think it was yeah i never saw that as a problem

you know

and i and i don't know i don't know if it looking back if it's part a little bit part of

i i wouldn't i wouldn't say the brazilian culture but just maybe a little bit of

the the environment, you know,

the fam, I don't know what it was, but I don't remember ever thinking, oh, my parents are heavy drinkers. You know, that's just maybe something you think about it much, much later in life.

That's such a good point. I know, and like you said, Brazilian culture.
Yeah, I know Brazilians drink a lot, but then,

like I said, because I've been here most of my life, and then you ended up being here most of your life. Yeah.
You moved, you moved here when you were like a teenager.

Like I said, when I met Antony, I was in my 20s and he was a heavy drinker when I met him. He wasn't wasn't a full-blown alcoholic yet.

But I think because of the background of our parents, when I saw him drinking, drinking, drinking and saying, oh, that's how I relax after work. That's how I relax after work.

I was so conditioned to see my parents do it all the time. I didn't see it as a problem.

I thought, oh, that's what people do. So I'm not even sure if it's a cultural thing.
to be honest because i'm not yeah no i i'm not saying that it i'm just saying like growing up yeah

it was just all around. Yeah.
It was just kind of all around us. This is what, that's what I'm trying to say.
You know what I mean?

So looking back, I'm like, it was just, I just felt like it was all around

us, our family, you know, the gatherings and

I never

separated, oh, this is okay because this is the family gathering. Oh, they're drinking during the week.
You know what I mean? Like, it was just all kind of all blended together.

I also think there's a lot of more awareness nowadays, as far as alcohol goes. And so, I just feel like it's something that I've come to realize that much, much later in life.

Yeah, I wonder if it's our maturity. So, this is the

question, right? Because I get this question all the time. I think we obviously turn out to be incredibly normal, nice, kind humans,

considering the environment we grew up in, because a lot of people, and this, I guess, this is the point that I wanted to touch in, because it's the beginning of the year, and I know a lot of people get discouraged, right?

Oh, how do we? Because a lot of people blame their backgrounds. Oh, I come from a shitty family, I come from shitty parents, I don't have any support.

But I think you and I are living proof that, regardless of what life throws at you, if you decide you're going to build a good life for yourself, you can make a decision and create your own path.

I'm not really sure how we did it because life threw all this hell and high water at us, not just coming from this bad parenting, because both our parents, our father, maybe he was not a full-blown alcoholic, but he was the biggest narcissist that I ever met in my life.

He was really good at making money, but like if he made a million dollars, he would spend a million and one. He never really thought about leaving a legacy behind.

He never really thought about, oh, let me worry about the future of these girls. Let me worry about leaving them something.

Let me worry about doing like a savings account of fun, you know, like normal things that parents worry about leaving for their kids.

He would literally spend everything on himself and women and parties and shit. So it was some other kind of dysfunction coming from him.

Right. And I don't know how you and I at some point

decided that, you know, despite all of that, we were going to live normal lives and and be honest, hardworking people and just be different from them.

Right.

I, yeah, I don't know where, I don't know what the turning point was, but I do, you know,

there have been things in my life that, you know, also have being, for me, being a mom,

you know, I remember when I had Mateo, my, you know, my son, I remember

thinking that I never wanted to be the mother.

I wanted to be a completely different mother than our mother was.

Yeah, and you want to know,

I wanted to be a very, very different mother. And you're saying, you know, this generational,

I don't like to use the word curse, but you know, this is this that passed from generation. And I agree, I was like, it ends with me.
Yeah. It ends with me.

Yeah, no, that's when we used the word curse, but you're right. I don't know what word I used when you were here at Thanksgiving, but I said similar.

When you were here, I was like, we have to break the spell. Like, you know, we have

a generation. Yeah.
Yes. I don't know.
Yeah. There's so many words, but I remember when I had Matteo, I wish I said it ends with me.
You know, I'm going to be.

you know, you met him, you see how he's disciplined, his time. He's an angel.
He's

incredible. He's incredible.
He's an incredible child. Yeah.
And every single day I tell him how I love him.

You know, I believe in discipline with kindness and love.

You know, I've done that with him since he was a child.

And with me, at least my experience growing up was on a completely different

polar opposite to that, you know? So,

yeah. So I think the first thing for me was becoming a mom that I was like, okay, this ends right here.
You know, we didn't have that.

I remember that's another thing that you mentioned to me when you were here, which I completely agree with you. It's interesting that our parents never said to us, I love you.
Never. My father,

I don't ever, ever, until he died, I don't ever remember him saying to me, I love you. Not once in my life.

My mom, towards the very end of her life, when she got closer to me, and I think she started apologizing and saying things, I think she said maybe a few times.

But I agree with you, it wasn't common for them to say, I love you. And I agree with you.
I never heard from me. And like you said, you say it to your son all the time.

And I think it's one of the things that is so important

to say, I love you to someone you love all the time, all the time, to make them feel loved. And you know when it's going to be the last time that you see them, right?

Right.

I think that's like such a simple gesture.

Yes. That costs nothing, costs nothing, right? To let people know that you love them, that you care about them.

100%. Yes.
And

we both have had

a tremendous amount of loss in our lives so much, you know, that

that's definitely something that's always with me, you know, to make the people important in your life feel important, know that they matter, know that they're loved, you know, it's just something

I always carry that with me because,

you know, we love, well, I don't know if your audience knows, but you know, that we lost both our parents and,

you know, it's just, yeah, I lost my childhood friend. Yeah, so in 2007, let's, yeah, so let's expand.
Yeah, so this is, yeah, we did have an absurd amount of tragedy.

In 2007, your best, best, best friend in the world, you guys grew up together ever since you were babies. She had a very sudden death.
She was in her 20s, which is crazy. And she died very suddenly.

That was very...

tragic because of course she was a very young girl very full of life and you are a young girl you were how old were you girls 20. 29, I think you were.
Yeah, 29. Yeah.
Yeah.

So that was crazy, tragic. Yeah.
Yeah. Then, yes, we did lose our father a few years later, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

We lost our father a few years later. Yeah.

Then, yeah, we did lose our mom. I mean,

I lost Anthony literally one year after losing our mom.

I was still like, you know, mourning and figuring it out. And I lost.
And so I think it's a lot for anybody to process because loss is something very,

very, very, very heavy. Very, very changes you.
Yeah.

Yeah, like you said, it changes you because it's like, oh my God, I'm.

First of all, it's like, we are really, literally really alone. Now we have to be adults.
We don't have that support system anymore. Right.

And then

you realize that you're not going to see that person ever again. So if you didn't say anything, if you left anything behind and said,

and I agree with you, it changed me in the way for me. I remember when our mom died and when Anthony died a year later, this is what changed me.

First, I live my life like I'm very immediate in terms of what I want to do. Like if I want to do something, I just really go for it.
You know, I know you're, I know you're not,

we're left because you're more like a planner. It takes you longer.
I just pull it.

Yeah.

It takes takes you forever i'm like i just go for it i want to even if i don't know if all of my dreams are going to come true or not i'm like you know what i'm going to give this a go i want to do everything i want to conquer the world every day that that's great that i should be because i'm like okay i don't know how much time i have but I want to do everything that and there's another obviously my my story is different than your story because the 14 years that I was married to Anthony and that's the that's another thing too that people don't know about me they think oh she was married to a multi-millionaire she didn't want to work but the truth is he didn't let me work he didn't let me do many of the things that i wanted to do so now i'm like i just want to go for it it yeah but yeah when when people start dying on you you're like okay

life life ends so we might as well give everything a go you know

yeah yes I know. Yeah, I'm the, you know, as you know, I'm the total opposite of that.
Yeah, I'm too conscious, too afraid, too, oh my God, I'm an overthinker. I have anxiety.

I'm like, I'm the total opposite. So, but,

you know, we tried our best to navigate and, you know, chase our dreams.

But it's very, I think it's big steps because

to touch on the last tragedy and I think it's so important to talk about mental health. And I know this is very difficult for you.
And this is why I have to say I'm so proud of you for being here.

And because we have such a massive audience out there, and I know this is very hard, and I get, and I do get emotional.

Just a little over a year ago, you had, and I have to say, when I lost, and I lost our mom, and by crazy coincidence of the universe, I never, ever, ever used to go to Brazil. Funny, right?

Because I just don't like going there because of all the violence and everything. I happened to be in Brazil when she died.
So I happened to see our mom dead in front of me.

So it just magnified my experience.

And then one year later, I lost Anthony, and I thought, oh my god, I cannot imagine going through, I cannot imagine anybody going through a bigger trauma than what I went through.

But

a little over a year, just

a little over a year ago, right? You went through something a million times more difficult than that, if that's even possible,

which is

your husband the father of your son

took his own life committed suicide yeah

and you found him

I did

and I cannot imagine I cannot imagine anybody going through that

yeah it's um

it's like I said it changes you to your core yeah

And

there's just so

many levels to what happened.

It's just not,

you know, he was the father of my child. So I'm dealing with that.

It's dealing with the fact that he didn't.

have a heart attack. He didn't have a, it wasn't a car accident.
It was just something

that

it's just kind of hard.

It takes a really long time to wrap, you know, to wrap my,

I just remember trying to understand

how,

why,

you know, while dealing with

what I saw, you know.

And

so it was just, it was just really hard. I had to

really,

you know, I went through a lot of anger. I was very angry.
Oh my God, of course. How can you not, right? How can you not be? How can you not? It's impossible not to.
Of course.

So I was really, really angry at him

for

doing that.

Because the truth is, you know, he took his life. He left you and

his son, a little boy behind

alone, right? No, no note, no message, no just invitation.

He just left you guys behind. So of course the people that are left behind are the ones suffering.

Right. Yeah.
You know, and it's just very hard to understand.

And you just have to know answers. Yeah.

You know, and you have to be okay

with not having those answers. Yeah.

You know, and it took me a really long time. You know, it took me a really, really long time to understand

why, well, how, well,

how can somebody do this? And why would somebody do this to a child? And

you're a father, you can't do this. And it was just, yeah.
But

then,

you know, I did some therapy. I actually

did a lot of research on suicide and

and

I it took me a while but

I forgave him you know that's the best thing I finally

yeah yeah I think you have I really came to a place of forgiveness of understanding yeah you know that

he was in he was sick. He was just in very, very, very, very deep pain.

But I had to get out of the anger to see

something

to try to

understand,

you know. Yeah, for sure.

So it's, it's just, it was really hard.

And of course, there is a ton of

regret

that I had. Also, that's on the other side that you have to deal with, you know.

Yeah.

There's a ton of regret. And I think that's a part of the grief.
You know, I feel like there's with all our losses, I have regrets with a lot of them. There I have regrets with our mother.

You know, it's like, I wish I had told her.

I think you need to, you know, and it's a part of healing too. Yeah.
That takes time. You kind of have to let it go because this is something I never talked about on the podcast or to anybody.

And the reason why

we are talking about is because mental health is such an important topic. And it goes to show, you know, people kill themselves every single day

because there is something really bad going on. And many times relatives don't notice.
Our mom killed herself.

We never talked about it. People ask me, how did your mother die? And I'm like, oh, you know, I don't want to talk about it.
But the truth of the matter is. She didn't want to live anymore, right?

She was so

stressed out about

money and finances, and she kept worrying about the future and the future and the future. What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me? What's going to happen to me? It consumed her.

That's all she thought about day and night, night and day, day and night, night and day, that she wanted to die. She literally wanted to die.

She committed suicide.

She knew she needed a certain specific medication.

She knew she couldn't drink. She knew if she stopped taking that medication, she was going to die.
So she did the two things she couldn't do.

She stopped taking the medication and she drank and, yeah, and killed.

And it's heartbreaking, same thing. But

I think, I don't know how I did it, but like you said, I come to terms that

there is nothing we can do to save someone like that when they make that decision, you know?

No,

and

after the fact, yes, because I kept thinking how, you know,

everybody, that was really hard too, because

I think it's important people are aware of this, you know, when something like that happens, every single person came to me and said,

you didn't know?

You didn't know who was depressed? And I'm like,

oh, yes, I did. And I just told, you know what I mean? I'm like, no.
I didn't know. I didn't know.
You know, so it's just, it's really hard. Of course, I wish

I had

maybe, I knew he was stressed. I knew he had high anxiety, high stress, but I didn't know, you know, that this was going on, that he was depressed.

No, the fact

you never know that Edison is going to get to that point, right? No, right. And I just.

So my, of course, I have regrets thinking,

maybe I should have known. Maybe I should have paid attention.
I should have told him, let's talk. Let me be there for you.
Let me do the, you know, but I didn't see it. I didn't see it.

I didn't, you know,

it's something that

I've, of course, if I ever come across something like that again, God forbid, I would be more aware.

But I also realize that there's always so much we can do. Yeah.
You know? No, you can never blame yourself because, like I said, it's like with our mom.

I used to talk to our mom twice a day, every single day.

Did I think she was killing herself while she was talking to me? Right. Like, she would hang up the phone and go in her closet and get a bottle of booze and drink.

And, like, she would literally get in her car and say, I'm on my way to the doctor to take this medication.

She literally needed this medication to stay alive, but she was tossing the medication in the trash and not going to the doctor. How can anybody know these things? You know, you can't blame yourself.

I think. No, I don't.
Like you you said, when this happens to someone, uh, like you said, don't ask the person if you want to help, don't ask the person how, how did you, didn't you know that?

Because you're just passing on blame. You didn't see it, yes, it doesn't help.
But it came to me and you didn't see it. You didn't see it, you didn't know, yeah.

Like, did you see, you didn't see any signs? I'm like, come on, yeah, please, yeah, come on, and even if I did, you know, because I also,

um, I, I, I remember talking to a therapist, and I was like,

she told me, she said, maybe you could, you, if you had known,

sometimes you can postpone it. But if the person is very determined, you can only postpone it.
You're not going to avoid it. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

You're not going to prevent error from happening. That has to come from them.
Yeah. It has to come from them.
Yeah. So.

I mean, 1 million percent. I'm not a therapist or anything, but yeah, it took, it took me a long time to not blame myself and

forgive him and and get past the anger and just

you know um

and see him in a good light again because he was a wonderful man yeah you know that's

you know he was a really he was a great dad he was a wonderful man he really was he's just um

but for a while i was very angry and oh my god i'm sure. You know, he left us in a really bad situation and I was really angry.

Yeah, but I have to tell you that this is my take on it because the tragedy happened to us, like I said, in different ways.

Because our mom killed herself. Anthony, in many ways, he wanted to die.
He wanted to die. He wanted to die so badly.
He got his wishes and he died in the worst possible way.

that's a whole new story for another episode but the fact of the matter is once he died same thing i found myself with absolutely nothing nothing my life was devastated and when that happens we have two choices and this is what we're talking about breaking the curse or whatever word you want to use you have two choices you can stay down there on the ground like okay i'm fucked i'm falling

That's it. Or you can say, you know, I'm going to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life and make life wonderful again.

And in your case, you have the most wonderful reason in the world, which is the most incredible, amazing, adorable 13-year-old little boy.

So I think we have to show it to him that life can be really, really, really great.

and break

this horrible spell, curse, whatever you want to say, of whatever came behind. Trauma.
Yeah, trauma. Whatever came behind us.

And I think anybody out there listening, if you are like us, because I think most people are like us, most people do not come from wonderful, wonderful families, unfortunately.

Most people do come from

broken families.

Don't let that destroy you. You know, find ways to

keep moving on. You know, find ways to

rebuild.

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I think that's the best, best, best way to get over trauma

and get over something horrible, like all these things that happened to us. I don't know if you agree with me.
Yes, of course.

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I remember the next day waking up

or

getting out of bed. I don't think I slept for like six months, but I just remember the next day I got out of bed and I said,

I just, you know, you're living this. I was like, wow,

my

life

is over.

My life is over, you know? And then I was like, wait a minute, what am I saying? What am I saying?

I have a choice. Right now, I have a choice.
I can choose to

be happy

and

heal, be happy,

be the best mother I can be. Yeah.

Or I can sink, be depressed, and not be able to be there for my child that meets me to the max. More than ever.
Yes, you have to rise to the challenge.

Yeah. So, right there and then, the next day,

and I know it takes a lot.

I understand that. And I feel like everything that I went through my entire life prepared me for that very, very moment.
Yeah. You know, to

just, I was like, wow, okay.

Right here, right, right here is the moment that

I have to make this choice.

I can either start seeing

some positive

things,

I can see some happiness, I can be happy, I can try to find something peaceful, or I can just be completely depressed. I know.

And you're doing amazing. I have to say,

When all the things that happened to me happened to me,

obviously, you know, many days I thought, okay, that's it. That's the end of me.
I did end up in the hospital a few times, a few times I thought, okay, I'm going to die. That's it, right?

And I remember I had so many toxic people around me, the famous champagne friends, right? You know, the assholes that are around you when you have champagne and then when you need help.

Oh, yeah. And they run around like friends.

Exactly. Yeah.
I remember one. I don't want to deal with the tragedy.
Exactly.

I didn't want to deal with the bad times. No, of course not.
I remember one of my best friends in the world.

I used to, I don't know if you remember, but my apartment in Miami was at the 56th floor of the four seasons when Anthony died.

And this friend, one of my best friends, she came and she was like, oh my God, Catherine, I cannot believe you're not jumping off of the balcony.

Because I had lost everything, all my assets, all my bank accounts. I was completely broke.
I didn't have anything and Anthony was dead. And then I never saw that person again.

And that day I remember thinking, you know what? I don't feel like jumping off of this balcony. I think I'm going to start rebuilding my life.

Yeah.

But I know my personality, I'm more resilient. I have just have a,

to use the word that my mom used, mean Portuguese, I don't even know what word would be in English. I'm very distinct.
I'm fearless. I'm not afraid of anything.
And I know you're not.

I know you're not. I know you're more like guarded.
So I know when all these things happened to me, I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to go for it and try everything again.

And I'm going to die trying. And that's my style, but I don't have a kid, right? I'm like, it's just me.

It's easier because if I fail in everything, like, you know, even if I end up homeless on the beach, like the people that stole everything from me, I'm not kidding.

They literally called me and said, I'm not going to name names because they threatened to sue me, but they literally called me and said, you're going to do everything we tell you to do, or you're going to end up homeless on the beach.

And I remember saying, even if I do end up homeless on the beach, it's just me, whatever. I'm going to figure it out.
I know with you, the stakes are so much higher because you have a freaking kid.

When you have a kid, you're like, I want to give my kid the best life. So I remember last year when I got the call,

When our stepdad called me and said that this happened to you, he was like, you know, this tragedy happened to Ty.

Like, I don't want to say your husband's name said, like, he shot himself in the head. I was at the gas station and I backed up my car.

I was like, it was the first time in my life I had a car accident. I backed up my car into a tree.
I was like,

and I stopped there, and I immediately thought, oh my God, you know, I was so worried about you because I honestly was not sure how you were going to react

because it's one,

I cannot imagine anybody going through this tragedy. And I have to say, you really, really rose up to

the challenge and

to life. And

it's impossible to describe in words. It's absolutely impossible to describe

to anybody.

Yeah, I think,

and like I said,

to me,

it was,

you know, that feeling of,

and, you know, I'm not religious. We were raised, even though we went to Catholic school entire lives, we're not religious or anything like that.
But something just came over me and said, have faith.

Just have faith. Yeah.
Because the universe is going to provide.

Somehow

it's going to be fine. Because that's what I thought.
I was like,

I had no income. i was going to school yeah i

you know he

we didn't have savings we didn't you know and

i'm left with you know we were left with nothing so i was like okay i'm going through this trauma i have this image in my head that i can't sleep i can't eat um i have a child that is heartbroken yeah heartbroken um

and

you know i was just i just thought to myself it's like you know,

if I just have faith,

just have faith. And

things are going to start coming to you, you know. It took a long time and it was just extremely painful, but

that's just what I

believed in, you know, just

keep having faith one day at a time. Yes.

You just nailed it. Just so you got to be strong.
And these moments are the moments that

just make you stronger you know and every day is a choice and yes every time i say that to someone when they're having a bad day or they're depressed oh my god i'm like you have a choice yeah you have a choice yeah you can either think or you can lift yourself up yeah you can either be depressed or you can be happy

people get mad at me when i say that but i'm like Just give it a try. Yeah.

I think the only silver lining of going through all these things that you and I have been through is, like you said, we get so resilient and we get so much stronger.

We find out what we are made of. Like you said, the small, the tiny problems of everyday life don't rattle us.

Like you said, if you tell me, I see people making drama about tiny, tiny things and I laugh about it.

And now, like, I'm four years, I'm six years away from Anthony's death and everything. And I'm still rebuilding.
Of course, I'm far from being where I want to be, but I'm in a very happy place.

I live in the place that I love. I do what I love.

I live in peace. I live in peace.
And you are slowly, every day, I think you get stronger and stronger and stronger and you're rebuilding your life.

But it's like you said, you know, people have a choice. Every single day when you wake up, you need to ask yourself and look in the mirror.
You know, you're not going to live forever.

Whatever tragedies that

you're going through, maybe it's something horrible like us, maybe it is, you're dealing with death like we've been dealing with. Maybe it's something else.

You need to make a decision. Are you going to let that destroy your life or are you going to overcome that

and move on and find,

you have to find happiness somehow, right? Right.

And I just think also, you know, there's just

so much out there nowadays, so many resources and so many, and I'm not saying people that are depressed,

it's like that. And you're like, just be happy and people are happy.
I understand. I understand.
I know, look what happened with Leo.

You know, it's okay to say his name, but, you know, look what happened with him. And I understand depression.

I think

I saw with my own eyes what depression can do. I understand that.

But there's a million resources out there. There's just so much.
You know, there's spirituality, there's doctors, there's medicine, there's community, there's just so much out there. And

you know, and

people have, and I said, I had a friend that one day, a couple of weeks ago, telling me something about, you know, a breakup or something like that. And she was.

crying on the phone and and then she said to me she's like oh why am i even saying this to you because

you've been through so much. You don't want to hear this.
So, this is probably so stupid to you.

And I'm like, No, I understand.

You know what I mean? Like,

your monster is not any smaller than my monster. You know what I mean? People have their little monster they have to deal with, you know, and I get it.

It's like, it doesn't mean just because I've been through something so incredibly traumatic, it doesn't mean that I don't understand people's issues, you know. I just think,

you know, there's just a lot.

I think you have to put it in perspective. That's what I think for us.
Like, I agree, I've been through many breakups after Anthony died, but it puts my pain in perspective. Like,

if I try to have a new relationship with someone and it doesn't work out,

I'm like, okay, it's too bad, you know? Yeah. But it's a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny issue.
Obviously, it's not the end of the world.

I think you have to put life in perspective and you have to choose your battles. But like you were saying before, I want to touch on this because it's the most important thing.

And I keep saying that to you as well, because I know your level of stress is so high. People need to remember how important mental health is.
Yeah.

Have to worry about your mental health so it doesn't get out of control. Unfortunately, in our mom's case, it got way out of control.

Unfortunately, in Anthony's case, the man that I was married to, it didn't matter how many millions of dollars he had in the bank, it got out of control. He decided to die.

Unfortunately, in your son's father, in your husband,

he got out of control. He killed himself.
So many people every single day.

Today, I don't even know if you know in the news, the husband of a very famous actress here in LA, 47 years old just committed suicide no yeah the husband of all the plaza so it happens every day every day any given day people do this yeah so i think you need people need to remember like if you feel your stress level going up i don't care how much i know you have bills to pay we all do i know life is very expensive i know all this but you have to stop And you gotta, like, like you said, bring in back the monster and bring it back under control.

And like, and same, you were saying, there are a million resources. What are the resources? Go for a walk, exercise, breathe, drink tea, talk to a friend.

If you have a relative, like, I don't know, there's a million, but, but try to

do that.

Take a nap,

take a day off, because you have to keep controlling your mental health because this is the most important thing in the world. And it's unfortunately, it's not talked about enough.

And I think that's the main main reason why telling our story and putting this episode out there was so important to me, because I know so many people out there are suffering alone and suffering in silence.

And I want them to know that they're not alone, you know? No, 100% they're not. And, you know, if

people that are hurting or suffering enough, they would just reach out to someone and say, hey, you know, I do think about that a lot.

Like, I really wish he would have come to me and said, I'm hurting. I'm hurting.
Like, this is not a joke. I'm thinking about this, this, and that.
I'm thinking about taking my own life.

I mean,

I think, you know, of course, it's kind of hard to, you know,

to know exactly what I would have said or how I would have handled it, but...

but but try you know i think i would have said okay we're gonna get you some help we're gonna we're gonna work this out because

this is important.

You got a child right there. We need you.
You're important.

So

there's just so much, so much you can do. And that's what I hope people realize.

Of course, there's many levels of depression.

I suffer from.

really bad anxiety. It's something that I deal with it every day.

But I've learned, you know, with no medicine, no, nothing, I have learned. I, I, I, on my own, I, I did research.
I, I was like, I don't want to feel this way.

I don't want to feel this way, you know, but there's got to be a better way.

I think anxiety is always going to be part of who I am, but I have learned so many ways to cope with it and bring it down and make it better. And

I just hope people, you know,

I think

look for help. Yeah, for help

for me. Thank you so much.
Yeah, I had anxiety, not as much as you do. I also had a lot of anxiety as well, especially right after our mom and Anthony died.
And same, I didn't have any money.

I was so freaking broke. I was like, what the fuck? I didn't work.
I barely worked for 14 years. I was really scared.
I'm going to tell you, no kidding. And I'm not a doctor.

I'm not a specialist by any means. But I'm telling you, one of the things that saved my life, I adopted a dog, right? I rescued Phoenix.

He saved me

because he made me go out the door every single day.

Yeah, and I'm not kidding you. And I tell you that just going for the walks every day

does wonders, does wonders. Because you start putting all those Zender fiends in your brain before it.
I know it sounds so stupid because I believe in my heart.

I did that a lot. And believe me, when we died,

I would put AirPods,

meditation music,

healing meditation, and I would go for walks. Yeah.
You know, I would walk for like a couple miles and then three miles and then four miles. But that.
Yes, that's so important. It helps.

It's so important. You know, just healing and anxiety and depression and

it helps everything. It does.
It really does. And I really believe I've interviewed dozens and dozens and dozens of experts of all areas on cannonballs the past four years.

And I'm telling you, I believe the United States is a heavily medicated country. Like if you go to a doctor right now and you say, I'm depressed, my mother died, they prescribe anything you want.

They prescribe immediately. They ask me, every time I go to the doctor, they're like, do you want something to sleep? Do you want an antidepressant? Do you want this?

And I'm like, no, I don't personally, I don't like drugs in my system. I live a super healthy lifestyle.

And I believe the best medicine is, like I said, go for a walk, sunshine, air, fresh air, because mentally it starts clearing your head.

And I'm not saying it would prevent somebody from killing themselves. That's not what I'm saying.

But maybe if you do it, it compounds, you know, it starts making you feel better and better and better and better.

So if you're super stressed, or like you said, in your case, you're suffering from severe anxiety. If you do it every little, every day, a little more, more, more, more,

like after a month, you're feeling like a brand new person. And I highly encourage people to do it.

If you can adopt the dog, you know why I say the dog, because you know, sometimes people that are really depressed, they're like, oh, I'm not going to go out today, but the dog forces you.

They're like, I can't tell you what those puppy eyes. Like, come on, mommy, come on.
I remember in my darkest days, my darkest days,

Phoenix Phoenix forced me to go out the door. And then when I'm out there, I'm like, thank you, Phoenix.
I'm so glad we did.

It's unconditional love, you know? Animals are so important.

So important. I 100% agree.
I just, yeah, are these,

like you just said, is this going to prevent somebody from committing suicide? I don't know. But maybe if you take tiny, tiny, tiny little steps,

you know,

if it's adopting a pet, if it's going for a walk, you know, with a friend or,

you know, going out in nature.

Also, for me, was practicing gratitude. Oh my God.

For me, was gratitude,

faith, love. Yeah.
You know, I was like, I got to give my, I got to have love. Touch my,

every day I'm like, I know it might sound so stupid. I'll touch my heart.
I'm like, okay,

I'm alive. I'm grateful.
I got to be here for my child. I, you know,

faith, I would just do this

little talk with myself every morning, you know? And it's just, I would say all the things I'm grateful for, because no matter how bad you think your life is, there's always something. Oh my God, yes.

There's always something. One million percent.
Always. And even if it's like, oh, I'm today, I'm grateful for this.

beautiful weather or I'm grateful for it could be something outside your environment, but there's always something to be grateful for. And gratitude is just,

it pulls you out of

any darkness.

I believe that with all my heart. I could not agree with you more.
I agree. It's a game changer.

It's a game changer. Same.
It changed my life

when I decided. And it's funny, right? Because I used to be married to a millionaire.
And, you know, I had this crazy lifestyle, travel the world, stay in fancy hotels, la la la la la.

And I was miserable because, of course, I was being abused like shit. I couldn't do anything.

Nowadays, my life is a million times more simple, but I do everything I love and I am so grateful for every little thing I have.

Like you said, the most simple things, I walk out the door with Phoenix and I'm like, it's such a sunny day. I'm super grateful.
I know. Like

zero dollars. I spend zero dollars.
I find gratitude and positivity, you know, in in the smallest little things.

It doesn't matter how, I could be,

I have my sad days. I have

I still have bad memories. I still,

I get triggered sometimes. I get

worried. I have concerns.
I have stress.

constantly working. I'm, you know what I mean?

Same.

I'm a single mom. Yes.
You know, same. Yeah.
Single mom with minimum support system.

Minimum support system. So,

but I'm always like, there's always, always things to be grateful for. There's always something positive in my life.
So the days that I'm just not feeling 100%,

I'm like, oh, wait a minute. I have to

go through a gratitude list. I have to do a little gratitude list.
and somehow you gotta push forward you gotta push forward because if you you believe that you can rebuild something amazing,

that you, if you come, like you said, you come from a place of love and you believe,

you have to believe.

You have to come from a mindset that you believe you can build again.

And that's already like a huge step forward. You have to believe.
You have to wake up in the morning and say, I believe. Obviously, you're doing amazing.

You're much like in the beginning stages of your healing. I am more advanced stages of my healing.
We are like different journeys.

But if anybody out there listening, whatever stages of your healing that you are, don't give up. Don't fall.
You can be having

the worst fucking day.

You have to keep pushing ahead and believing.

Because look, if you stop, like it's that famous phrase, I don't know if you ever heard, you're going through hell. So you're not going to stop in hell, right?

You got to keep going until you get out of hell, right? I think

that's the best message I can.

And I also think, you know,

I don't know if I'm ever going to be done healing, you know? I feel it like

healing is

an ongoing journey. Yes.
You know,

I feel like

I'm never going to stop healing. You know, I'm always going to try to find ways to be happy and heal for my and God and get better.
You know, for sure.

I have things that I need to work on and I'm always, you know, like healing. I really feel healing is a journey.

Never stop.

I don't think I'm ever going to be like, I'm healed. I'm good.
No, I'm not. But you know, the beauty, I think that's the beauty of being an adult is like we are ever evolving, right?

And how to be better.

and learning like just doing this podcast have been such a a healing journey for me and a growing journey for me i'm not the same catherine that i was four years ago the i used to put up with the woman that i was and and we grow and we become better and better and better versions of ourselves and i agree we learn until the day that we're not here anymore and i think that's what life is all about And I am very proud of you because, you know, a lot of people would not be this strong at this point in the game.

And you are raising an incredible, incredible human being. I know you're gonna find a prince, I know he's out there looking for you, and it's just like smooth sailing from now on.

And I really, really hope our stories inspire people out there who are going through tough times because, like I said, we are living proof that you know, no matter what background you come from, and I promise you, we do not come from a background,

we could do like a five-hour episode shit show just about our family. Yeah, I think, and

yeah, I don't think I have,

I think only you really know

the things that I've been through in my childhood.

Oh, whatever.

I was telling you some of it.

No, listen. And you know what cracks me up? Nobody, like our relatives that are like still alive, right? Nobody ever helped for shit.
Nobody ever did shit for us.

Nobody supported us when our father died, and our mother. Nobody gives a fuck now because of social media, they see me like in Beverly Hills, whatever.

No, no, no, they probably think I'm a gazillionaire again. I don't know what they think.

They send hearts and love and they make comments on social media, like, oh my god, it's amazing to see you girls. Like, now they want to be a part of our lives again.

Yeah, and I think because it just makes me laugh

a different country, you know, it's kind of like,

I don't know, but it's like whatever. Yeah, you know, I don't have any.

Yeah, I think I

think every single person,

everybody has childhood trauma for sure. Everybody, yeah.
You know, some have extreme ones, some have middle, you know, I feel like we had quite a bit

of childhood. And then, you know, some people have minor ones, but

everybody does. Yeah.

But I'll tell you guys,

I'll tell you guys one one thing.

And I think you agree with me. No matter who it is, if it's your relative, your cousin, your father, your mother, whoever it is, if it's your friend, I don't care who it is.

If it's somebody toxic in your life, you need to leave them behind and move forward without them in order to heal. 100%.

You just have to.

I left so many people behind that were horrific, horrific vampires to me. Like the closest, closest people to me.

When my mother died and I realized what horrible, horrible, they were stealing from me. They were sucking me dry.
They were sucking my energy, my life, my money.

I literally had to cut ties and leave them behind in order for me to heal and move forward. You have to literally not care who they are.
And you have to cut ties to save yourself. I think

the lesson I just learned. Right.
that you have you have i to tell you that i have i lost two

very very very close friends one of my best friends i lost because of this tragedy that i went through um

she you know uh

i

I was always there for her. We knew each other for 15 years.
I was there for her

everything. And then when I'm i'm the first time i'm like i i need this i need you i need you you know

disappeared oh yeah i'm like wow okay i need to i need to be better i need to be better yeah you know that's the thing we need to be better

i need to be better and not

have toxic people around me because

We, you know, no making excuses,

get rid of it. It's the perfect time of the year to just,

you you know, yeah, exactly. You have to leave it behind.
You have to leave it behind. Yeah, leave it behind.
Cut ties. It's all about quality.
I learned this in my life.

I know because when I was a gazillionaire, I thought, oh my God, I have hundreds of friends. They were a bunch of, they were a bunch of moochers.

You know, they were champagne friends. I realized I had to cut ties with so many people.
It's really about quality.

And like you said, the word love, people that love you unconditionally, that are going to stand by you, that are, that want the best for you when you are drinking champagne, when you are having a great time and when you are going through tragedy.

Yeah. That's it.
And cut to everybody else and just ignore the noise. That's

also, you know, you go to something like that and you, that's when you learn who your friends are. Oh my God.
Yes. Wow.
This, this friend, wow, this is a good friend. Yeah.

The friends there, you're like, oh, okay, I'm glad this person is gone because totally, you know, it's painful and it is painful because when somebody's your friend for like 20 years, 25 years, they frequent your homes, you give them vacations, you know, they sleep on your couch, you do things with them.

And when you need them the most, they turn their back on you. It's very, very painful.
You're like, oh, now I'm not good enough. It's another lot for me because of that.
It's a model loss. Yeah.

But you know what?

I think you need to go through these losses in order to,

you just have to. Because as long as you have toxic people around, I think that's one of the toughest lessons.
But as long as we have toxic relationships around, you cannot fully heal. You just can't.

No. No.
You know? Yeah, I agree.

It's important to get rid of it then.

And just begin healing. one little thing at a time.
Yeah, one thing at a time. But it's so important.
And it's not easy.

it's not an easy journey healing is not easy but we have to go through it well we can anybody can do if you and i could do it after all this crap

people can we are in a great place that i want to yeah we are in a great i think that's that's how we

wanted to i think that's the thing you know we went through a lot but we're like no we want it we want to be better. We want to get better.
We want to heal. Yes.
So

it's important.

I think for for me i tell you one thing right i don't know how long i'm gonna live but i i remember i i say that to myself all the time like every week i don't want to end up like my parents

i i know it's hard but i say

i do not want i want to end up like

dying sad or broke or depressed or a drunk i want to break this curse like you said or spell like I said I want to make something I want to leave a beautiful mark in the the world with my something.

I want to leave something beautiful behind.

I don't know if it's the if my podcast episodes touch somebody's heart, if it's anything that I do, you know, adopting, rescuing dogs, or telling stories, I want to leave something positive behind.

Of course, I want to break the cycle, you know, and I think that keeps me going. And I think you're doing the same.
And like you said, you want to create a better life for your son. So

figure out what keeps you going and go after your dreams.

Yeah, I think you know, I thought about it, I was like, why my purpose? And I think it's just really raising and just a really, really

emotional, intelligent, kind,

good human. He is, he's that's my priority.

You're very lucky because he's one of the most adorable, special little boys. Yeah, he's so advanced.

I'm

No, but like, seriously,

he talks and he's like, Are you really 13? You're not like 18. It's like crazy how intelligent and advanced he is.
It's like just such an honor being around him. He's so great.
Thank you.

I'm very proud of you because I know it took a lot of you to do this podcast.

I was very nervous. Yeah, I know.
Speaking of new challenges, we always talk about that, right? Like, you got to be challenge yourself, try out new things, you know, fight through anxiety, go for it.

This is a great example, you know, just go for it. And then, once you do it, you're like, wow, I'm so proud of myself.
I can do new things.

Yes.

And I'll bring you back one day. No, yeah, I'll bring you back because I want to do another episode about dating.
Because today we didn't even have time. Dad, I have tons of time.

Yes, because I want to do an entire episode about dating.

We're going to need a few episodes on that.

Yes, for sure i love you so much and i hope you'll love back soon and guys remember the message i think is like do everything with love and go after your dreams you can heal any trauma and please if you are suffering if you are under any kind of mental anguish seek help i am putting i am attaching

a link here to this this podcast episode where you can seek help.

And there are many, many, many, many resources. You can reach out to us directly.
We have 24-7 open lines of communication through WhatsApp: 1305-332-0-338 and via email. Contact at Cat on the Lose.

But please seek help. Talk to someone.
Talk to someone. Don't keep it to yourself.

If you don't have relatives like us, talk to a friend

or call the hotline.

go through the link call us we will hook you up you are never ever alone right

you're not never there's always there's always always something that can be done yes i truly believe life is too precious life is too precious too precious and every single person matter yes they really do yes i know my friend dad mattered a lot oh yes one minute a lot

yes so i wish you were here so I could hug you. I know.
I know. Big hug.
I love you so much.

Me too. I can't wait until you guys are back here where you belong.
I know. I can't wait to see you.
I love you guys.

This was a very special Canonaloos kicking off season five with Ty and I'll see you guys very soon. Be safe out there.

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