GET YOUR EX BACK...OR NOT!!

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Speaker 5 My guest today, Lucia the Art of Love, is an internationally known dating and relationship expert but with a twist. She specializes in helping people get back together with their exes.

Speaker 5 She even created an app called Silenzio, which means silence in Italian, to help you accomplish specifically that. Get your ex back.

Speaker 5 Lucia has been on over 100 national and international radio and TV shows as an expert, including Dr.

Speaker 5 Phil, the CBS Early Show, 60 Minutes, the Tyra Banks Show, e-entertainment, ABC News, etc., etc., etc. We had a really, really fun episode.

Speaker 5 We laughed a lot because I told her from the get-go I don't agree that we should try to get an ex back with rare exceptions and she was a really good sport about answering all my questions so if you are thinking about getting your ex back

Speaker 5 You probably should listen to the episode first before you make up your mind. So I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.
She was amazing.

Speaker 5 She came over to my studio in Hollywood and we had a great time. So I hope you guys guys enjoyed as much as I did.
Here it is, Lucia, The Art of Love.

Speaker 5 But before my really fun episode with Lucia today, let's pay some bills and say thank you to my wonderful sponsors that keep believing in my work and helping me take Cat on the Loose to the top of the charts and growing our worldwide community.

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Speaker 6 Lucia, thank you so much for being on Caronde Luz. It's an honor to have you.

Speaker 7 It's an honor to be here. Thank you.

Speaker 6 When I found out about your work, I was like, okay, I'm intrigued because you said you basically specialize on teaching people how to bring their exes back

Speaker 5 or

Speaker 6 how to forget about their exes, but mostly how to bring their exes back. So obviously, I have a million questions about it.
I think most of us have had our hearts broken, have

Speaker 6 thought about bringing our exes back. But I'm going, before I ask the, I want to ask a tough question first and foremost, but I'm going to start with a tiny story.

Speaker 6 Of course, I've had my heart broken a million times, but a while back, I think almost two years ago, I was dating someone and I thought he was a great person for me, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 6 He broke up with me over the phone,

Speaker 6 and I was, of course, leaking my wounds for a while. And

Speaker 4 after

Speaker 6 a certain period of time, I actually did a post on my social media and I wrote, the only good ex is exercise so you look even better for the next one.

Speaker 4 Meaning,

Speaker 6 in my mind, I don't think it's a good idea in general to want your ex back.

Speaker 6 So when I saw your work and I did listen to a lot of episodes of your podcast, I think you do, I did a lot of my homework about you, and I do think you're great.

Speaker 6 But in general, let's start with the tough questions. Why would it be a good idea to want to bring an ex back? Like, especially someone that broke our heart?

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 7 That's always everyone's first question. Right.
So I'm not surprised.

Speaker 7 Here's the thing.

Speaker 7 At some point, if you date long enough, you know, unless you get married and stay married, you're going to meet someone and they're going to break up with you and you're going to want them back.

Speaker 7 It's not logical, but you're not coming from the logical side of your brain. And always, it's also not always a bad reason why they broke up with you.

Speaker 7 You know, if you didn't cheat, if you didn't take them for granted, maybe they lost interest because maybe you were doing something.

Speaker 7 Maybe you were too anxious, you were too pushy, you were out of control. And they broke up with you, and you want them back.
So it's not my job to say, no, you should not have your ex back.

Speaker 7 It's my job to help you because you're going to want them back anyway.

Speaker 6 But okay, but let me interrupt. You're saying you're going to want them back.
But what, but do you, so, and I understand understand what you're saying, it's your job, but

Speaker 6 but do you think it's a good idea?

Speaker 6 And my headphone is not working, but we're gonna keep rolling. But do you think it's a good idea

Speaker 6 to

Speaker 6 want them back? Do you think, in your professional opinion, do you think it's a good idea?

Speaker 7 It depends on the reason for the breakup. Sometimes it's a fake breakup where people are triggered and in the spur of the moment they go, that's it, it's over.

Speaker 7 And then they think about it later and they're like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have broken up with them.

Speaker 7 it really depends on the reason for the breakup not all relationships so most people can't communicate effectively because they're triggered and so they go into the age that they were when that trigger was caused so they're now you're they're five years old and if the other person is also triggered now you have two five-year-olds fighting right instead of two adults you think that people are going to communicate effectively but most people can't unless they worked on themselves so unless there was abuse if you want your ex back i say hey if you're going to play in the the street anyway, if you're going to want your ex back anyway, at least let me show you how to play in the street and not get run over.

Speaker 6 Okay, now, here's another problem for me also.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 6 Obviously, you'll notice I have a bunch.

Speaker 4 No problem.

Speaker 6 That's another problem for me.

Speaker 6 In my case, if someone left me, to me, it's kind of like breaking glass.

Speaker 6 Even if they said they did, they went to therapy or they realize I'm the most wonderful woman because it has happened.

Speaker 6 Like I have had instances that people left me and they realize they made a mistake because it happens, right? They realize, oh my God, that woman is so fantastic. She's so hot.
She's so beautiful.

Speaker 6 She's so intelligent. She's so successful.
They realize they made a mistake and they want us back.

Speaker 5 I would always feel,

Speaker 6 ah, what if I take them back and then months down the road, they decide

Speaker 6 to, you know, make that decision again to leave me I would always have that feeling on the back of my head I would never feel 100%

Speaker 7 like secure like I could trust them a hundred percent right so that's why I have the six questions to ask your ex when you want them back ah can you tell us

Speaker 7 I don't know if I'm able to remember all six one of them is why do you want me back What's going to be different? Why should I take you back? How are you going to make it up to me?

Speaker 7 those are four the other six you can find on YouTube

Speaker 7 okay if but even if they they answer because when somebody wants something badly well they have to give you great answers they can't just say oh well I miss you and then you trust them and then they give you all the great answers up to you well no then there's there's a probationary period and you see how they're going to behave because people make mistakes So, I mean, there's my clients, they got back together and now they're married.

Speaker 7 And some of them have children, and those children would would not exist if I hadn't helped them get back together.

Speaker 6 Oh my god so you think I understand what you're saying you're saying in some cases it can be a good idea.

Speaker 6 In some cases it works.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 6 But most of the time it's probably not a good idea.

Speaker 7 Well most exes don't come back. Right.
And part of the reason is because people don't know what to do when they want their ex back. They do all the wrong things.
They do the total opposite.

Speaker 6 It's counterintuitive as to what you should do because you're coming from your fearful brain, you're anxious and so they call their ex they chase them right and it's the total opposite yeah we're definitely gonna talk about that because I saw you you do mention that I and I I completely agree when somebody breaks up with us the first instinct

Speaker 6 of course most people is to cry and say, oh my God, I miss you. Don't do this to me.
And I can't stand when women do that and I beg them. Like, please have some some self-respect.

Speaker 6 Do not beg someone. I don't care how much it hurts.
Do not beg someone. And I've made this mistake, of course, I think, because we all have to do that.

Speaker 7 We all have.

Speaker 6 We all have.

Speaker 6 But, you know, have some, I think, self-respect and self-love is like one of the toughest, most important lessons we should learn because I think there's nothing more humiliating and awful than begging someone to love you.

Speaker 6 I think that's awful. But most people do do that.
Like you call and you text and the drunk text and like, please get me back.

Speaker 6 And I agree with you, that's the worst technique to get someone back, right? Absolutely. That backfires doesn't work.
It doesn't work. Never.
Hence, you created an entire method,

Speaker 6 and you even have an app, which, for a lot of people that don't know, you are Italian. I love it, right?

Speaker 6 Lucia. You created an app called Silenzio.
For those of you who don't know what Silenzio means, it means silence.

Speaker 7 In Italian.

Speaker 6 In Italian. And you basically created this whole army that you call on your phone.
See, I did my home party.

Speaker 8 Good for you.

Speaker 6 I was listening to your podcast last night.

Speaker 6 And I'm still thinking,

Speaker 6 by the way, for the record, I don't want any of my exes back in case they're listening.

Speaker 4 Oh, and they listen.

Speaker 6 And they listen.

Speaker 6 We're also going to talk about that. Like, because I have a million questions about that.
Why do exes keep listening to our work?

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 6 My book,

Speaker 6 let's talk about the app first and then we're going to talk about the access. But you created this whole, you call them the

Speaker 6 no contact army, the no contact army. So let's explain to people what you mean.
It's your whole method is if someone dumps you, don't talk to them.

Speaker 7 Yeah, so we have a slogan. It's called we don't react, we do no contact.

Speaker 7 And basically that means you disappear like you're in witness protection.

Speaker 6 Do you block them?

Speaker 4 No.

Speaker 7 Okay, so you don't block them. Not initially.

Speaker 6 Not initially.

Speaker 7 No, not initially.

Speaker 6 I don't block them because I'm like, hey, if you want to see what you're missing out, dude, go for it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, absolutely. Do not block them because you're going to use social media to tempt them and to show them that you're moving on and maybe you're with someone else.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I don't post my personal life

Speaker 6 because I think that's a bit much. But yeah, I agree.
I also don't block.

Speaker 6 And

Speaker 6 that's another question that I want to ask you. And I think you answered in one of your podcasts.
Why do people dump us and they continue following us, looking at our social media?

Speaker 7 The majority of exes will continue to stalk you. Why? Which is a pain because it's like, listen, you broke up with me.

Speaker 4 Go away, leave me alone.

Speaker 6 So why do they do that?

Speaker 7 So many reasons. First of all, they want to see if you're doing better without them.

Speaker 7 Or they just want to see if you're suffering or how you're doing.

Speaker 6 They're never going to see us suffering.

Speaker 4 Right, exactly.

Speaker 7 A lot of times it's curiosity, but people think, oh, my ex is watching. He must be interested.
She must be interested. Usually not.
They have to make a move. So I don't care if they're watching.

Speaker 7 I don't care if they're liking your posts, liking your story. You do not respond to those.
They're breadcrumbs. They're trying to tempt you because their ego is hurt.

Speaker 7 If you don't speak to them after they break up with you, if you just accept a breakup and just go, okay, no problem. I wish you the best.

Speaker 7 And then you disappear, they're going to be like, wait a minute.

Speaker 7 I thought you were going to be begging me at least. You know, like their ego is hurt, their pride is hurt.
And they're like, did she ever really like me? Is she seeing someone else? What's going on?

Speaker 7 Like, curiosity a lot of the time.

Speaker 6 Well, Lucia, sometimes, and I completely agree. If you move on, like, especially with class, like that, okay, you know, whatever.
You hurt me, but I'm moving on with my life. Goodbye.

Speaker 6 And you go and you go, do your own thing. I agree.
It messes their ego and it messes their ego. And they're wondering, is she doing better without me? Right.
I completely agree. That works.

Speaker 6 It it has worked for me many times before but sometimes let's be realistic when somebody dumps you it's really because they don't like you anymore they don't want to have nothing to do with you and many times even worse they found somebody else yeah

Speaker 7 and then they don't care about what you're doing well apparently they do or they wouldn't be stuck in your social media it's not that they don't like you it's that their interest level dropped interest level it goes from zero to 100.

Speaker 7 if they're over 50 in interest level they're with you if they go go below 50 that's when they what do you mean if over 50 if someone's interest level on a scale of zero to a hundred is over 50 uh-huh well how do you measure that well through their actions

Speaker 7 like when someone's interest level is 90

Speaker 7 they can't control what they say they can't control what they do that's when it's like you absolutely know you don't have to ask 50 is when oh some of these are taking a long time to respond they're busy on the weekends so once they go below 50

Speaker 6 that's when they break up with you but it doesn't mean they're not interested because maybe they're at 49 so you just have to get them back over 50 to want to be with you okay so let's say somebody out there listening I and I'm gonna be really honest with all the respect I still think it's a bad idea in general I think if some and it's funny because I have a couple of really good friends best friends they're my neighbors two girls and they were married and one of them a few months ago out of the blue decided to move out, like broke the other ones.

Speaker 6 She moved out, packed her bags, broke her heart just before the holidays, and said goodbye. And the one that stayed behind asked me, you know, what should I do?

Speaker 6 And I said, move on, like, start, go to the gym, take care of yourself. Like, usually, my approach is work on self-improvement.

Speaker 6 That always works for me. I focus on myself.
Like, somebody breaks my heart, I get hotter, richer,

Speaker 6 more successful.

Speaker 6 So I come back. I'm the Phoenix.
Like six months later, I come back even stronger than before. Of course, I leak my wounds.
I suffer like hell because I'm very emotional.

Speaker 6 But usually, my approach is I get very introverted. I go on this major man diet, meaning like I don't date for a while, but I totally like

Speaker 6 turn the energy into myself

Speaker 6 and I become a much better version of myself. That's how I do it.
So, if somebody asked my opinion, like these two girls, I told my neighbor, like, dude, focus on yourself. Don't take her back.

Speaker 6 I mean, she moved out on you,

Speaker 6 but she

Speaker 6 made up and she moved back in. Now, they're pissed at me because that was my advice.
And I stand by my advice because, like I said, if six months down the line she does it again,

Speaker 6 I warned you.

Speaker 6 I think it's like reheating souffle, like I said, or try to, you know, glue up glass.

Speaker 6 broken glass yeah I don't know but let's say somebody's listening and they want to try out your method and they don't agree with me they say well I want my ex back period I love him I love her whatever she's the man of my life so can you maybe explain a little more like

Speaker 7 you said no context so somebody broke up with me yesterday I'm heartbroken it hurts like hell can you explain a little bit better like what should what are the next few steps Yeah, well definitely working on yourself is a great thing to do and the great thing is is that if you level yourself up When your ex tries to come back you may not even want them at that point because now you're out of their league It's just like why would I take you back?

Speaker 7 Exactly. So you always want to be working on yourself now if they broke up with you because of your attachment style if you're too anxious

Speaker 7 Then you definitely have to work on that because you're not going to be able to do no contact if you have an anxious attachment style.

Speaker 7 Those are the people that are have the most difficult time getting their ex back, and those are most of my clients actually.

Speaker 7 If you have an avoidant attachment style, which it sounds like you do, then we have no problem.

Speaker 7 An avoidant attachment style. An avoidant? Yes, there's three types of attachment styles, how people attach to other people.

Speaker 7 It's not what you think.

Speaker 6 Because you're very attached.

Speaker 7 It's not about getting attached. It's about how you deal with rejection.

Speaker 7 And like if you pull back, because the fact that you said, oh, I'm just going to work on myself and not, that's either a secure or an avoid. An anxious attachment cell would never be able to do that.

Speaker 6 They would be trying to contact their because I have made that mistake before

Speaker 6 you believe me. Yeah, because I've had my heart broken many times, hence the podcast.

Speaker 6 I started the podcast. I was married for a long time, horrible marriage, very abusive marriage for 14 years.
Wow. So when I got out of the marriage and jumped back into the dating game, I'm like,

Speaker 6 it's chaos. I don't know how to date.

Speaker 6 And I started telling my stories and I grew this worldwide audience, everybody sharing their own stories.

Speaker 6 But I kept getting, you know, tangled up with bad men after bad man that, you know, abused me, cheated on me, lied to me, all that crap. And I did take a cheater back that cheated on me.

Speaker 6 All this stuff. So of course, it's been, for me, the podcast has been a process of learning.
to the point now three and a half, four years later, I know my value.

Speaker 6 I know how great and fantastic I am, like the prize that I am. But it was a process, right? To get here.
Yes. But yeah, like I've made every mistake you can dream of, right? I have made.

Speaker 6 So now, yeah, if somebody breaks up with me,

Speaker 7 you know what to do. Okay,

Speaker 6 now I'm like, okay, it's your loss. Right.

Speaker 6 Now I'm different. But of course, it wasn't always like that.
Right.

Speaker 7 So you're either a secure attachment style or an avoidant. But anyway, so to answer your question,

Speaker 7 so no contact. And most exes, 90% are going to try to contact you.
Doesn't mean they want you back.

Speaker 7 If you leave them alone, they're going to pop up. Yeah.
You know, they just do not go away.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 7 Yeah. You would think.

Speaker 6 But do you think it's because

Speaker 6 people want what they can't have?

Speaker 7 That's part of it.

Speaker 7 There's something called the lag period. After you break up with someone, you know, when someone breaks up with you, they're not 100% sure that they should break up with you.
That's the thing.

Speaker 7 Like, when are you ever 100% sure? You might be 90%, but not 100. And so we work on that 10%, 20%.

Speaker 7 We work on their, hmm, maybe I shouldn't have broken up with them. And so they always pop back up.

Speaker 7 And what you do when they pop back up is going to determine whether you're going to get them back or not.

Speaker 7 And most people, they are inclined to respond because they think, well, I have to respond or my ex is not going to contact me again. I wish.

Speaker 7 If they are, in fact, if you don't respond to breadcrumbs, they will contact you again if they're still interested. If they're 100% done, okay, there's nothing you can do.

Speaker 7 But if there's still some hope there, if there's still some interest,

Speaker 7 the fact that you're ignoring them until they say something significant is going to raise their interest level, like I said, above 50. And they have to say something, they have to be humble.

Speaker 7 They can't have an attitude like, oh, you're not responding to me now.

Speaker 6 No attitude I tell my clients as long as they have an attitude they're not interested in getting back together they need to be humble and apologetic yeah there's a big difference right but I read a while ago and I don't even remember it was somebody one of the relationship experts online somebody that I followed at work I don't remember who it was and she wrote something that really stuck in my mind she said if somebody like broke up with you or or is not with you anymore for whatever reason, they basically put you back into the dating pool.

Speaker 6 they said okay go they don't care if you're having sex with someone else they don't care if you're kissing someone they they're giving

Speaker 6 you know giving you up like they're they're giving someone else the chance to be with you

Speaker 4 so

Speaker 6 i mean do you really want to a man give the get this guy back that that gave you away to potentially another guy

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Speaker 7 So when it comes to matters of the heart, it's not logical. The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not of.
And so you're not going to argue with the heart.

Speaker 7 People who've been broken up with, their brain scans are similar to people who are trying to get off of Coke.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 So if you're trying to tell someone to get off Coke, you're not going to just say, hey, just stop doing Coke.

Speaker 7 Oh, okay, I didn't think about it. Yeah, I'll just stop doing Coke.
Same with getting an ex back. Hey, stop trying to get your ex back.
They're not going to stop. It's an addiction.

Speaker 7 They're like a crack addict.

Speaker 7 So I can only help them maneuver through the addiction.

Speaker 6 Do you ever see cases that you think like, okay, no, you're just obsessed. This is a bad idea.
Your ex doesn't want it. Cut it out.

Speaker 7 So I'm a hired gun. You know, if they hire me, then I'm going to help them unless there's been abuse.
If they tell me there's physical abuse, then I go, no, I'm not going to help you.

Speaker 7 However, I will help them, but I will also try to plant the seeds that listen,

Speaker 7 maybe this guy or this girl isn't as great as you think they are, but they don't want to hear that.

Speaker 7 All I can do is plant a seed. Right.

Speaker 6 What if the person they want back found someone else?

Speaker 7 Usually, if they get into something relatively after a short time after they broke up with you, it's a rebound. And most rebounds don't work because they're trying to use that person to get over you.

Speaker 7 They haven't processed their feelings. So I tell my clients, don't worry about rebounds.

Speaker 6 So you think that eventually it's just going to expire and they're going to say, oh, I really miss you. And that's how they come back.

Speaker 7 Well, I mean, they're either going to get married or they're going to break up. The chances are they're going to break up.

Speaker 6 And come back to the person they broke up with.

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Speaker 7 If you leave them alone, and if you work on yourself and you level up.

Speaker 6 Okay, so let's go back to the leaving alone. Can you talk us through the process of your silenzio? How does the silenzio act?

Speaker 7 Okay, so I have a panic button here.

Speaker 6 A panic button?

Speaker 7 Because

Speaker 7 so there's a counter. It shows you how many days you've been in no contact.
This is the counter. You set the time and the day of the breakup and it starts counting.

Speaker 7 And a woman actually, she wrote in and she said the app saved her life.

Speaker 7 And I said, What? How? And she said she was in an abusive relationship. She was trauma-bonded.
She was unable to leave. She kept going back.

Speaker 7 And then she got the app, she used the timer, and it gave her strength. Every day she saw it going up, up, up, and she didn't go back.

Speaker 7 Okay. Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 6 So she, okay, so it's, wait, let's, let's rewind.

Speaker 4 Where are you? Where are you?

Speaker 6 So somebody broke,

Speaker 6 whoever she was with, broke up with her.

Speaker 7 Well, I think in this case, he was abusive. She was trying to leave.
Oh, she kept trying to leave, but she kept going back because she was trauma-bonded.

Speaker 6 So in this case, she didn't want to go back with him.

Speaker 7 No, but she kept going back. Uh-huh.

Speaker 6 So, the app helped her be strong enough to not go back. Yes.
Okay, I like this one.

Speaker 7 Yes, and then also the panic button. So, what is the panic button? Okay, so when you press the panic button, you hear my voice giving you a very good reason why you should not contact your ex.

Speaker 7 So, I'll press the panic button now, and let's see what it says.

Speaker 7 Okay.

Speaker 7 If you break no contact, you may temporarily relieve your anxiety, but it's only going to be short-term relief if your ex doesn't want to get back together.

Speaker 7 So it's a different statement every time they press the button. Oh, okay.
Just to give them encouragement, you know, it's like, oh, I want to contact my ex. Oh, let me hit the panic button.

Speaker 6 All right, I won't contact my ex. Okay.
And then what? So you go so many days.

Speaker 7 You focus on yourself.

Speaker 7 If you're going to post on social media, look happy, upbeat.

Speaker 7 No cryptic posts about exes.

Speaker 7 Don't try to send a silent message, right? You want to give them zero attention whatsoever take the focus off of them focus on you yeah move on with your life basically right right and then

Speaker 7 I found that the golden period as I'll call it of 45 to 60 days after the point of last contact so not necessarily after the breakup because if you still stayed in touch a week or two then you look at the point of last contact count 45 to 60 days and there's a very good chance that's when you'll hear from your ex

Speaker 7 Okay. I've found with my clients.

Speaker 6 45 to 60 days?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 7 So at least we have a time period because everyone's always wondering when are they going to hear from their ex?

Speaker 7 Because everyone thinks they're going to get their ex back next week within a couple of weeks. And it generally takes at least 45 to 60 days to at least hear from your ex.

Speaker 7 And then even then, it's not a process of you just have a phone conversation. Okay, now we're back together.

Speaker 7 Just like they didn't decide usually in one day to break up with you, they're not going to decide in one day to get back with you. It's a whole process.
It always takes months.

Speaker 7 With all my clients, it takes months, not because I'm a bad coach, but that's just how long it takes. Right.
And two guys, it took them two years. Oh my god, they did not want to give up.

Speaker 7 And it worked, and they finally got them back.

Speaker 6 But got them back, and nothing.

Speaker 7 Yes, one is getting married this year, and the other one, I think, they got married also.

Speaker 6 I am really surprised.

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 6 Like I said,

Speaker 6 I just have this image that it's like, oh, I.

Speaker 7 It's not always that bad. Sometimes, like, the client that got his ex back after two years, he was just showing too much jealousy and insecurity.

Speaker 7 You know, and as women, we want a strong guy, not someone who's anxious. And so it was a turnoff.
And so she broke up with him.

Speaker 7 So he spent, I mean, he wasn't trying the whole two years, obviously, to get her back. Obviously, he was in no contact.
And they would run into each other once in a while.

Speaker 7 And then finally, they're back together.

Speaker 6 I'm sure it's possible because relationships are so singular, right? Each case is a case, each situation is a situation. In general, like I said, for me, if somebody leaves me,

Speaker 6 I don't want to, I think for whatever reason, I don't want to revisit that. I don't want to go through that again.
I would always have some kind of trust issue.

Speaker 6 And then I start, and it's funny because the way my mind works, I start looking at that person like, oh, you know what? He's so right. Like, we weren't meant for each other.

Speaker 6 And he did that that thing that i didn't like and that thing that i start thinking that i deserve somebody better in that area or better in there i just think it's just so complicated to to try to regroup and make it better is it possible yeah it's possible but in general it just sounds like ah i don't know i know it's it's a lot of work it sounds like a lot of work and one of of your podcast episodes uh

Speaker 6 and i don't know i thought it was a little harsh that's what i want to say

Speaker 7 well listen i'm known for tough cookies. Tough love.
Listen, I say that getting an expac is like you're in a war. People don't want to believe that.

Speaker 6 But that's the thing.

Speaker 4 It shouldn't be a war. Well, it is.

Speaker 6 I don't want to be in like... And that's another thing.
Like, I don't want to fight for anybody to love me. I don't want to, I certainly not going to beg anybody to love me.

Speaker 6 I think love should be organic. It should be natural.
People, like, if two people want to be together, they should be together. It should be like a two-way street.

Speaker 6 If I have to go and make all this effort,

Speaker 6 I'm like, okay, I'm out, you know.

Speaker 7 I know, but that's just the nature of love and human emotions. They're messy.

Speaker 6 So, this episode that I want to ask you about, okay, and I think it's the title, if I'm not wrong, uh-oh, because I'm gonna tell you, last night I spent many hours in bed with my dogs listening to your episodes.

Speaker 6 I love they're short and sweet, but you wrote, If you don't get your ex back, it's your fault.

Speaker 7 Well, I should mention, if you know about no contact and you don't get your and there's a chance to get your ex back and you don't, it's your fault. But I couldn't fit all that into the title.

Speaker 4 Okay,

Speaker 2 that's an awful long title.

Speaker 6 So you think the secret is the no contact?

Speaker 7 It's absolutely the secret.

Speaker 6 So everybody listening, if somebody, so let's rewind, because I know we're talking really fast and serious here.

Speaker 6 Because this topic really piqued my curiosity.

Speaker 7 It piques everyone's curiosity because everyone's been broken up with. Everyone's been heartbroken.

Speaker 6 Yes. And like I said, I admit I changed because I've had my heart broken so many times.
And I tell stories that people cringe. I've had people cheat on me on Valentine's Day.

Speaker 6 My boyfriend cheat on me on my birthday. I've had like the craziest, most horrible.
This dude broke up with me. By the way, I think I'm going to make a parenthesis and you tell me if you agree.

Speaker 6 If you're going to, everybody has the right to break up with anyone.

Speaker 6 because they're adults. Okay, but do it in a civilization because I believe in karma and I treat everybody the way I like being treated.

Speaker 6 I've broken up relationships, but look at the person's eyes, be respectful, be kind. Breaking up over the phone, I mean, come on.
That is so tacky, right? That is so disrespectful. Do you agree?

Speaker 7 It depends how long you've been dating.

Speaker 6 I don't think it depends. It was a few months, but honestly, we were all over each other's lives.
He knew all my friends, my clients.

Speaker 6 We were literally like sleeping in each other's homes, traveled together. He knew my neighbor.
Yeah, we were like very intense.

Speaker 6 I think if you're men enough to be, you know, that intense. Yes.

Speaker 6 Sit down, have a cup of coffee, you know, like, but breaking up like, you know, I changed my mind like a child. Yeah.
I think for all, I have a big, massive male audience out there.

Speaker 6 And I know dating apps are transforming big, mature men into like teenagers again. Be a man, look

Speaker 6 at your woman's eyes and say, you know, for whatever reason I changed my mind and you part ways as friends, but breaking up over the phone, I just think it's really cheesy.

Speaker 7 Yeah, they don't have the emotional maturity. And what about breaking up over text, which is even worse?

Speaker 6 Oh my god, yeah, exactly. Don't do it.
Like, be men up.

Speaker 7 I tell my clients, if someone breaks up with you over text, don't even respond.

Speaker 6 I love that.

Speaker 4 Don't even

Speaker 7 Don't even dignify the text with a response.

Speaker 4 I love that.

Speaker 7 And then they're going to text you again. It's like, did you get my message?

Speaker 5 I know.

Speaker 6 I don't think I would. If somebody broke up with me over text, I agree with you.
I don't even think I would dignify it.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's to respond.

Speaker 6 Yeah, that's ridiculous. I think, especially, men, be gentlemen.
If you're dating someone,

Speaker 6 Talk to them like the same way that you talk to them when you want to take them on a date, when you ask them to be your girlfriend, when you ask them to be exclusive.

Speaker 6 You know, treat women with the same kindness that you want your daughters to be treated, your sisters, your mom, right? That's what I always say. So, to me, that was like, and that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 6 Like,

Speaker 6 months later, if that person is still talking to me or even decided, like, oops, I made a mistake, you know, I miss out on obviously one of the hottest, most fabulous

Speaker 6 girls on the planet. I'm like, yeah, dude, you did, but that's your loss.
I don't want you anymore. Thank you for making room for the right one to come along.

Speaker 7 And why did that guy break up with you after two months?

Speaker 6 So, no, it was more than two months. It was four months, I think, almost five.

Speaker 6 Because

Speaker 6 I think I told that story on the podcast before. It was very funny.
He was married for 25 years, very conservative marriage, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we met on Bumbo.

Speaker 6 And when we met, he told me that he was very, and he looked me in the eyes, like, you know, very firm, like, I'm ready for a relationship. I know what I want.

Speaker 6 And this is what drew me to it, because I had my doubts about it, about

Speaker 6 dating someone who was getting out of a marriage. Yes.
So all the red flags worked out, but he was so like, looked at me and said, I'm ready. And that's it.
And he was so convincing

Speaker 6 and reassuring, and told me over and over again, oh, you're the girl for me. And we had so many things in common.

Speaker 6 We clicked on so many boxes and he kept reassuring me but then months into it he told me i found out he was still on bumble

Speaker 6 and then his excuse was oh i don't want to date any one of these girls it's just massaging my ego

Speaker 6 and why do you need your ego massage exactly now after now i laugh about it he said oh it's because after being married for so long just knowing that all these girls are there that day i should have ran out i should have left.

Speaker 7 Yeah, and I, you know, when you said you had a short relationship and he broke up with you over the phone, I had a feeling it was because he wasn't ready. And I've heard this story before.

Speaker 7 When someone has just gotten out of a long-term relationship or a marriage, I don't care how much they argue that I'm ready. I'm no, you're not.
Exactly. Leave them alone for at least a year.

Speaker 6 No, totally.

Speaker 7 You're asking for trouble otherwise. No, I completely agree with you.

Speaker 6 But since he kept saying to me, I don't care what he's saying.

Speaker 7 No, I agree.

Speaker 4 Now I know. Yeah.

Speaker 6 But after that, he got out of bumble. He reassured me, you know, you're the girl for me.
I want to be with you. Blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 6 Yeah. So then one beautiful day, he said, I changed my mind.

Speaker 4 Okay, whatever.

Speaker 6 Okay, bye next. And yeah, it broke my heart.
I was super shocked because we were very intense and he was very like all over my life. Whatever.
And I don't hold like, you know, any hard feelings.

Speaker 6 And again, like I said, once I picked up the pieces and I started thinking about it, I agree with you. We many times ignore the red flags.

Speaker 6 And men do that too, but women, we have a tendency of ignoring red flags.

Speaker 7 Right, we're too nice. Right.
We want to give people the benefit of a doubt.

Speaker 6 Yeah, and as much as, yeah, we had so many things in common. Like the minute I noticed the dude was, oh, let me see what else is out there.
I should have said, go for it.

Speaker 6 And I wanted to, I should have removed myself from that situation, but I kept believing the bullshit and I got burned.

Speaker 7 Right. Or you just say, okay, you're on bumble, no problem.
I'll be back on and we'll just date other people at the same time. We'll see how it goes.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 7 And he probably wouldn't have liked that.

Speaker 6 Right, but that's the thing. I just have a personality.
At this point in my life, I don't play games. I don't want to play games.
You know,

Speaker 6 I don't want to waste my time.

Speaker 6 You know, I'm at a point in my life, I want to have a relationship and I'm really happy by myself. I'm super fulfilled by myself.

Speaker 6 But I certainly, I'm am thankful that he made that mistake because it was better sooner than later, right? But I think many times it's our fault because, like you said,

Speaker 6 if a guy tells you he's still married, getting out of a marriage, like, don't get tangled up with a guy like that.

Speaker 7 No matter what he says. No matter what.
There are never any exceptions to this rule. I once met this guy, he had just gotten out of a seven-year relationship.
It had only been three months.

Speaker 7 He was amazing. I'm like, nope.

Speaker 4 No, it's just so.

Speaker 7 It's just so absolutely.

Speaker 6 because most guys they will want, and this phrase is very telling.

Speaker 6 Like, if a guy tells you they want to feed their ego, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, right, like, because these dating apps, yeah, they guys love playing this game, like ordering girls like DoorDash.

Speaker 6 Like, oh, oh my god, look at all these blondes. They want to date me.
I am so hot. And I mean, these dudes are like in their 50s.

Speaker 7 Or so they say.

Speaker 6 Oh, so whatever, 50s, whatever, 60s. But it's making them feel like teenagers again.
Right.

Speaker 7 And act like teenagers.

Speaker 6 And act like teenagers. Right.
But back to the getting the X back. So I don't want this X back.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 6 I don't want any of my X's back. But for the people that do want the X back,

Speaker 6 let's finish this because I still want to ask you, because you also tell people like, how to forget the X before we run out of time.

Speaker 6 So you use the Silenzio app and you go through this process of like ignoring them. So that's the tactic.

Speaker 6 Somebody listening, you have your heart broken. Resist all the urge.
Do not contact under any circumstance.

Speaker 7 Unless you cheated or took your ex for granted. And by taking them for granted, and usually men are the ones who are taking their girlfriends for granted.

Speaker 7 Usually women aren't taking their guys for granted. That means that your ex felt like they were not a priority, like they weren't important to you.
That's my definition of taking for granted.

Speaker 7 So if you did either of those two things, it is up to you to get them back, obviously, because if you cheated on someone, you can't expect them to come looking for you.

Speaker 7 But I always say wait at least a month because they need to calm down from the shock and then start attempting.

Speaker 7 But just understand it's going to take a long time if you cheated or took them for granted.

Speaker 7 Otherwise, if you didn't do those two things, yes, you stay in no contact until your excess something significant, no matter how long that takes, because if they're not ready to say something significant, then they're probably not ready to get back together.

Speaker 7 So all you're doing by responding is just showing them that you're still interested and so you appease their temporary anxiety and that lengthens the time that it will take to get your ex back.

Speaker 7 So that's why it's important to be quiet and not say anything. You raise their anxiety and you raise their interest.

Speaker 6 What is something significant?

Speaker 7 Hey, can we talk? And then you say about what?

Speaker 7 And then they go, about us. And you go, well, what about us? Right? So you don't just immediately, oh, sure, let's talk, right? You got got to feel them out

Speaker 7 you they have to show that maybe they made a mistake they're starting to doubt you know you'll know you know you'll know you feel it yeah and so then when you talk then you ask the six questions

Speaker 7 so you got to kind of have them

Speaker 7 a little note to ask in your phone to ask the six questions not all at once just in the course of the conversation find out why they want you back and then like i said they're on probation for 30 days to make sure that they are gonna stick to what they said.

Speaker 4 And they really probation for how long?

Speaker 7 At least 30 days.

Speaker 6 Do you think that's enough?

Speaker 7 Probably not, but that's why I said at least 30 days. Depends on the breakup, too.

Speaker 6 Now, if somebody cheated, do you think it's possible? I think cheating, oh my god, that's even to me, that's even worse because how do you trust a cheater again?

Speaker 7 Again, I understand. Again, what was the reason for the breakup? What was the circumstance? And what do you call cheating? Some people will call it cheating if you just texted another girl.

Speaker 6 Oh, come on. Really?

Speaker 7 Yeah. No, that's cheating.
So, you know, unless I think there was actual physical contact,

Speaker 7 it's not really cheating. It may have been emotional cheating.
So there's physical and emotional.

Speaker 7 Probably emotional is worse because it's like you had an intimate conversation with this person, but there was no sex. It's like, that's even worse.

Speaker 6 Yeah, it can be. It can be.
But do you think that's repairable?

Speaker 7 If both people want to repair it, you're you're going to have to build the trust.

Speaker 6 That's super tough, right?

Speaker 7 And sometimes you have to go to therapy to figure out why you guys got to that place in the first place.

Speaker 6 Yeah, I would always, always wonder, would you?

Speaker 6 If they're going to cheat again?

Speaker 7 I don't know. I'm pretty intuitive.
So, first of all, it would depend if I even took them back. Because I'm like you.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 7 For myself, personally, for myself. It's like, if you break up with me, good luck trying to get me back.

Speaker 4 Uh-huh, I like that. Right?

Speaker 6 See, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 7 But if I do give you a second chance,

Speaker 7 then

Speaker 7 it's because I do trust you. However, at the first sign of a red flag, then I'm out of there for good.

Speaker 6 Yeah, no, same. And I tell you guys, the one boyfriend that I gave, and I told that story before, and people are shocked.

Speaker 6 It was the first boyfriend I had after my horrible marriage. He cheated on me on Valentine's Day, super creepy story with his ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, he was in bed with her the whole day.

Speaker 6 Oh my gosh, anyway, and then I forgave him, gave him a chance, dated him an extra whole year. Then he cheated on me on my birthday.
I caught him having dinner on my birthday with someone else.

Speaker 6 I literally saw it with my own eyes at the restaurant.

Speaker 7 What did you do?

Speaker 6 Yes, oh, big scandal that I threw a glass at his face with whiskey, the flowers, the rose, got kicked out of the door. Huge scandal.
And then, you know, the whole story is on the podcast.

Speaker 6 He caught COVID. That was just March 2020.
He caught COVID from the girl he was cheating with,

Speaker 6 ended up in the hospital. This is a true story, people.
I'm not making this up. Ended up in the hospital, apologized to me, like, oh my God, you're the best thing that I've ever been in my life.

Speaker 6 Blah, blah, blah. Please forgive me.
I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to make it.
And at that point, I was like, just get out of the hospital, right?

Speaker 6 I don't want you you to die true story he died

Speaker 4 true story yeah he died

Speaker 6 no i'm serious i'm laughing like no but serious he died

Speaker 6 apologized to me from the hospital yeah but so i'm like that was the worst trauma right in my life giving somebody like a second chance because yeah he he did it all over again so like to me i in my mind i think like a cheater

Speaker 6 they just have this behavior that they think it's okay to cheat and and they're always gonna cheat.

Speaker 7 It depends on their age. Usually, obviously, the younger you are, the more you're likely to cheat.
But as you get older, hopefully, you become more mature and realize.

Speaker 7 Okay, then he's cheating in his 50s. Forget it.

Speaker 7 There's no hope.

Speaker 6 I don't want to say too many bad things about him because he died when he was a pig.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Now,

Speaker 6 you also say that you help people forget exes.

Speaker 6 So can you talk a little bit about that? If somebody doesn't want their ex back, if they want to forget the ex?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Because that can be really tough too.

Speaker 7 Absolutely. So there's something called fab, which is faded effect bias.

Speaker 7 And that means that as time goes by, if you've been in a bad relationship, you tend to forget the bad and you focus on the good. Yeah.

Speaker 7 And that's also one way of getting your ex to contact you because they'll slowly forget the bad things.

Speaker 7 So you want to use that in reverse.

Speaker 7 So instead of thinking of the good, because that's why you want them back, you want to think of the bad and make a list if you have to, because there's no way the relationship was perfect, otherwise there wouldn't have been a breakup.

Speaker 7 So, you know, he chewed too loudly when he ate, or, you know, he did,

Speaker 7 you know, he did this. He didn't work out.
He had a dad bod. Whatever.

Speaker 4 I love that.

Speaker 6 I love that idea. Yes, physically make a list of all the things you don't like about them.
Right. And read it every day if you have to.

Speaker 7 Yeah, it's like your morning prayer. Every morning read that list.

Speaker 7 And again, focus on yourself. Go on a trip if you have to.
When you change your environment, you change your thoughts, especially if you go on a trip.

Speaker 7 You're focused just on what you're going to do on that trip. So that's a great way to kickstart getting over someone.

Speaker 6 I love that idea. And I know when people are going through a heartbreak and we're laughing and making fun of them, but it's very painful.
Absolutely. It hurts like hell.

Speaker 7 It's physical pain.

Speaker 6 It's physical pain. Yeah, and it's mental pain, it's anguish.
A lot of people get depressed. Of course, I've been there.
I don't know if you've been there.

Speaker 4 Yeah, of course, I have.

Speaker 6 Yeah, most of us humans have been there.

Speaker 6 But I will tell you guys from experience that if you take the first steps, right, and you really make an effort and focus on yourself, it's such a wonderful exercise and it works wonders.

Speaker 6 Like the hard part is the first step, right? But if you really

Speaker 7 switch that energy into focusing on yourself, and you you talk a lot about that on your podcast like like you say that it's I think it's one of the things that you recommend like to bring your ex back if you start focusing a lot on yourself yeah I actually have a meditation to bring take your energy back from your ex because right now all your focus is on your ex and you're actually sending them energy which they feel yeah and when you cut that energy off they actually feel when you've cut it off and that's when people often hear from their exes so I have that meditation on the podcast and on my YouTube to take your energy back.

Speaker 7 And so, yeah, you definitely want to do that when you're trying to get over them.

Speaker 7 And don't jump into the dating pool right away because if you're not over your ex, you're going to go out on a date and you're going to feel miserable and you're going to go home and want to call your ex.

Speaker 6 Oh, really? You think so?

Speaker 7 Oh, that's yeah, that happens a lot.

Speaker 6 Interesting, because I would have thought that maybe it's something fun to distract your mind. Not the attention of other people.

Speaker 7 Not if you're not over your ex. because you're gonna become you're gonna be on the date comparing them really yo yes

Speaker 6 i don't know because for me to be honest it has worked in the past like i put myself out there just for fun and the attention of other guys makes me feel great like ah all these guys want to date me even if i don't want to date them yeah you know just for fun like to instead of sitting home like whatever watching tv and crying it makes me feel good no i it depends where in the grieving process you are so it sounds if it had been just out of the breakup i don't think you would have felt that way and also depends on your attachment style too which we talked about earlier yeah

Speaker 6 amazing so how can people find you and and the app and you guys should definitely check out her podcast because i they're short and sweet i love them i'll let you get to the point no no bidding around the bush love them that's our style here as you notice and i love your youtube videos so can you tell everyone here on cannibals how they can find you yes you can find the link to everything on my website, theartoflove.net.

Speaker 7 The art of love. I love that.
Thank you.

Speaker 6 And before you guys decide if you, I mean, no judgment, if you want your access back, good luck.

Speaker 6 It's a war out there. But before you decide if you want your access back or not, think about working on self-improvement and self-love.
I think that's my message out of all of this here today.

Speaker 7 Yeah, and self-worth.

Speaker 6 Self-worth. I love that.
Lucia, Lucia, thank you so much. It was a huge pleasure having you.
You're amazing.

Speaker 7 Thank you so much. I had so much fun.

Speaker 6 Time went by so fast. I knew it.

Speaker 4 I knew it would.

Speaker 6 First love,

Speaker 6 self-love, first and foremost. You're gorgeous.
You're fabulous.

Speaker 6 Don't forget to go look at the full video episode of this cat on the loose on YouTube and, of course, the audio episode on all platforms where you enjoy your podcast. Thank you so much, Lucia.

Speaker 6 The art of love. I love the name.
Thank you. Thank you.
Be safe out there.

Speaker 6 Don't care too much about your accident. They don't deserve it.

Speaker 6 Bye.

Speaker 6 See you soon. Bye.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 5 Big shout out to the Burrata

Speaker 5 House, one of my favorite casual dining places in the heart of West Hollywood.

Speaker 5 They make authentic, delicious, fresh Italian food, sandwiches, pasta, salads with the delicious, delicious, fresh Burata on top on 161 South Crescent Heights.

Speaker 5 So, if you're looking for a place that you can have a quick bite for lunch, dinner, takeout for your family, this is it. And I love, of course, supporting local businesses.

Speaker 5 So, if you guys are in the Los Angeles area, West Hollywood, go check out the Buratta House. If you guys want to see pictures, BurataHouse.com on Instagram, Burrata House.

Speaker 5 I love, love, love their food so much. Everything is really, really yummy.

Speaker 5 Not only I'm a huge supporter of women supporting women but i have so many amazing guy friends in my industry so i want to give two big shout outs to people that also do podcasts and radio stations it's such a tough business so big big shout outs to other podcasts that i love very

Speaker 5 very very much and i always say there is room for everybody i think we need to stop looking at each other as competition, competition, competition, and more looking at each other as co-workers, looking at each other as collaborators, because

Speaker 5 like I said, if we're authentic, we should all do our thing and there is space for everybody.

Speaker 5 So if you guys love sports, I highly recommend check out Ira on Sports, one of the top sports podcasts in the nation by Ira Kaufman. Ira is a walking encyclopedia of sports.

Speaker 5 He follows sports no matter what it is: football, volleyball, tennis, golf-you name it. He's there up and down the country, everywhere.
Amazing guest interviews. He drops new episodes every Mondays.

Speaker 5 He is incredible. He's in all the games.
He always has exclusive photos, exclusive videos on Instagram, on Twitter. Ira on sports.
I highly recommend you guys check it out. I love it.

Speaker 5 And if you're a huge fan of country music, I love it. Check out Kick S Country Radio.
You can listen everywhere you go. You can get all the links through their Instagram, Kick S Country Music.

Speaker 5 So you can get your country vibe on the go. Big shout out to them.
They are my friends out of Texas, and I love them. Kick S, many, many kisses for you guys.

Speaker 10 Extra value meals are back. That means 10 tender juicy McNuggets and medium fries and a drink are just $8.

Speaker 10 Only at McDonald's.

Speaker 3 For limited time only, prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California and for delivery.