GET YOUR EX BACK...OR NOT!!

My guest today, Lucia, the art of love, is an internationally known dating and relationship expert, but with a twist. She specializes in helping people get back together with their exes.
She even created an app called Silenzio, which means silence in Italian, to help you accomplish specifically that. Get your ex back.
Lucia has been on over 100 national and international radio and TV shows as an expert, including Dr. Phil, the CBS Early Show, 60 Minutes, the Tyra Banks Show, E-Entertainment, ABC News, etc, etc, etc.
We had a really, really fun episode. We laughed a lot because I told her from the get-go, I don't agree that we should try to get an ex back with rare exceptions.
And she was a really good sport about answering

all my questions. So if you are thinking about getting your ex back, you probably should listen to the episode first before you make up your mind.
So I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did. She was amazing.
She came over to my studio in Hollywood and we had a great time. So I hope you guys enjoyed as much as I did.

Here it is, Lucia, the art of love. But before my really fun episode with Lucia today, let's pay

some bills and say thank you to my wonderful sponsors that keep believing in my work and

helping me take cat on the loose to the top of the charts and growing our worldwide community.

Gold Standard Builders, a design and construction company in Los Angeles, California, licensed general contractor, family-owned business, a fantastic team of passionate professionals delivering great quality service and really, really fair pricing. So if you guys are in the greater Los Angeles area and thinking about remodeling your home, even if it's like a kitchen remodeling, summer is upon us and you have a backyard and you think, you know what, maybe I want to redo my backyard, get it ready for the summer.
If you had some damage in your house because we had these torrential rains in LA, anything that you've been thinking about doing around your home, I know it's really hard to trust someone with this project. A lot of people in these industries, unfortunately, you cannot trust or the prices are sky high.
Gold standard builders are really, really, fantastic. The owner, Adam, is really, really trustworthy, super nice guy, and they offer free consultations.
I love the word free, no BS. Give them a call today.
Tell them I send you 1-800-469-9189 or info at goldstandardbuilders.com. Go check out their website and you can see beautiful, beautiful photos of all the projects they do all around LA and the greater LA area.
goldstandardbuilders.com

This is a really great one for my New York audience.

So guys, listen up and write it down. New York City Wellness, the very best place in New York for physical therapy, chiropractic services and beyond.
They have an incredible team of experienced physical therapists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, podiatrists, sports medicine specialists, and internal medicine specialists who are dedicated to helping you recover from any pain, injury, or discomfort. Find high level of success in their treatment services, advanced technology, and methods.
Two fantastic locations, one in Midtown on Madison Avenue and one in Downtown on Greenwich Street. Check out their website, nyc.com and make your appointments today.
There is no reason to be in pain, right? I'm even going to give you guys the phone number to make this easier. 212-682-6620 for Madison and for Greenwich, 212-374-0150.
Lucia, thank you so much for being on Cat on the Lose. It's an honor to have you.
It's an honor to be here. Thank you.
When I found out about your work, I was like, okay, I'm intrigued because you said you basically specialize on teaching people how to bring their exes back or how to forget about their exes, but mostly how to bring their exes back. So obviously, I have a million questions about it.
I think most of us have had our hearts broken, have thought about bringing our exes back. But I'm going, before I ask, I want to ask a tough question, first and foremost, but I'm going to start with a tiny story.
Of course, I've had my heart broken a million times. But a while back, I think almost two years ago, I was dating someone and I thought he was a great person for me, blah, blah, blah.
He broke up with me over the phone. And I was, of course, licking my wounds for a while.
And after a certain period of time, I actually did a post on my social media and I wrote, the only good ex is exercise. So you look even better for the next one.
Meaning, in my mind, I don't think it's a good idea in general to want your ex back. So when I saw your work and I did listen to a lot of episodes of your podcast, I think you do.
I did. I did a lot of my homework about you and I do think you're great.
But in general, let's start with the tough questions. Why would it be a good idea to want to bring an ex back? Like, especially someone that broke our heart.
Right. That's always everyone's first question.
So I'm not surprised. Here's the thing.
At some point, if you date long enough, you know, unless you get married and stay married, you're going to meet someone and they're going to break up with you and you're going to want them back. It's not logical, but you're not coming from the logical side of your brain.
And always, it's also not always a bad reason why they broke up with you you know if you didn't cheat if you didn't take them for granted maybe they lost interest because maybe you were doing something maybe you were too anxious you were too pushy you were out of control and they broke up with you and you want them back so it's not my job to say no you should not have your ex back it's my job to help you because you're gonna want them back anyway So it's not my job to say, no, you should not have your ex back. It's my job to help you because you're going to want them back anyway.
But okay, but let me interrupt. You're saying you're going to want them back.
But what, but do you, so, and I understand you're saying it's your job, but do you think it's a good idea? And my, and my headphone is not working, but we're going to keep rolling. But do you think it's a good idea to want them back? Do you think, in your professional opinion, do you think it's a good idea? It depends on the reason for the breakup.
Sometimes it's a fake breakup where people are triggered and in the spur of the moment they go, that's it, it's over. And then they think about it later and they're like, oh, maybe I shouldn't have broken them it really depends on the reason for the breakup not all relationships so most people can't communicate effectively because they're triggered and so they go into the age that they were when that trigger was caused so they're now you're they're five years old and if the other person is also triggered now you have two five-year-olds fighting right instead of adults.
You think that people are going to communicate effectively, but most people can't unless they worked on themselves. So unless there was abuse, if you want your ex back, I say, hey, if you're going to play in the street anyway, if you're going to want your ex back anyway, at least let me show you how to play in the street and not get run over.
Okay. Now, here's another problem for me also.
Okay. Obviously, you'll notice I have a bunch.
No problem. That's another problem for me also okay i obviously you notice i have a bunch no problem that's another problem for me in my case if someone left me to me it's kind of like breaking glass even if they said they did they went to therapy or they realize i'm the the most wonderful woman because it has happened like i have had instances that people left me and they realized they made a mistake because it happens, right? They realize, oh my God, that woman is so fantastic.
She's so hot. She's so beautiful.
She's so intelligent. She's so successful.
They realize they made a mistake and they want us back. I would always feel, ah, what if I take them back and then months down the road, they decide to, you know, make that decision again to leave me.
I would always have that feeling on the back of my head. I would never feel 100% like secure, like I could trust them 100%.
100%. Right.
so that's why I have the six questions to ask your ex when you want them back ah can you tell us I don't know if I'm able to remember all six one of them is why do you want me back what's going to be different why should I take you back how are you gonna make it up to Those are four. The other six you can find on YouTube.
Okay, but even if they answer, because when somebody wants something badly. Well, they have to give you great answers.
They can't just say, oh, well, I miss you. And then you trust them? And then they give you all the great answers? It's up to you.
Well, no, then there's a probationary period. And you see how they're going to behave.
Because people make mistakes. So, I mean, there's my clients.
They got back together and now they're married. And some of them have children and those children would not exist if I hadn't helped them get back together.
Oh, my God. So you think, I understand what you're saying.
You're saying in some cases, it can be a good idea. good idea.
In some cases it works. Yes.
But most of the time it's probably not a good idea. Well most exes don't come back.
Right. And part of the reason is because people don't know what to do when they want their ex back.
They do all the wrong things. They do the total opposite.
It's counterintuitive as to what you should do because you're coming from your fearful brain, you're anxious. And so they call their ex, they chase them.
And it's the total opposite. Yeah, we're definitely going to talk about that because I saw you do mention that.
And I completely agree. When somebody breaks up with us, the first instinct, of course, most people is to cry and say, oh, my God, I miss you.
Don't do this to me. And I can't stand when women do that.
And I beg them, like, please have some self-respect. Do not beg someone.
I don't care how much it hurts. Do not beg someone.
And I've made this mistake, of course, I think because we're humans. We all have.
We all have know, have some, I think, self-respect and self-love is like one of the toughest, most important lessons we should learn. Because I think there's nothing more humiliating and awful than begging someone to love you.
I think that's awful. But most people do do that.
Like you call and you text and the drunk text and like, please get me back. And I agree with you.
That's the worst technique to get someone back. Right? Absolutely.
That backfires. It doesn't work.
It doesn't work. Never.
Hence, you created an entire method and you even have an app, which for a lot of people that don't know, you are Italian. I love it.
Right? Grazie. Lucia.
You created an app called Silenzio. Yes.
For those of you who don't know what Silenzio means, it means silence. In Italian.
In Italian. And basically, you created this whole army that you call it on your podcast.
See, I did my own army. Good for you.
I was listening to your podcast last night, and I'm still thinking i by the way for the record i don't want any of my exes in case they're listening oh and they listen and they that's a we're also going to talk about that okay like because i have a million questions about that why do exes keep listening to our work right my book let's talk about the app first and then we're going to talk about the ex. But you created this whole, you call them the no contact army.
The no contact army. So let's explain to people what you mean.
It's your whole method is if someone dumps you, don't talk to them. Yeah.
So we have a slogan. It's called we don't react.
We do no contact. And basically that means you disappear like you're in witness protection.
Do you block them? No. Okay, so you don't block them.
Not initially. Not initially.
Not initially. I don't block them because I'm like, hey, if you want to see what you're missing out, dude, go for it.
Yeah, absolutely. Do not block them because you're going to use social media to tempt them and to show them that you're moving on and maybe you're with someone else.
Yeah, I don't post my personal life because I think that's a bit much. But yeah, I agree.
I also don't block. And that's another question that I want to ask you.
And I think you answered in one of your podcasts. Why do people dump us and they continue following us, looking at our

social media? Yeah, the majority of exes will continue to stalk you, which is a pain because

it's like, listen, you broke up with me. Go away.
Leave me alone. So why do they do that? So many so many reasons first of all they want to see if you're doing better without them or they just want to see if you're suffering or how you're doing they're never gonna see a suffering right exactly a lot of times it's curiosity but people think oh my ex is watching he must be interested she must be interested usually not they have to make a move so i don care if they're watching.
I don't care if they're liking your posts, liking your story. You do not respond to those.
They're breadcrumbs. They're trying to tempt you because their egos hurt.
If you don't speak to them after they break up with you, if you just accept a breakup and just go, okay, no problem. I wish you the best.
And then you disappear. They're going to be like, wait a minute.
I thought you were going to be begging me at least. You know, like their ego is hurt.
Their pride is hurt. And they're gonna be like wait a minute I thought you were gonna be begging me at least you know like their ego is hurt their pride is hurt and they're like did she ever really like me is she seeing someone else what's going on like curiosity a lot of the time sometimes I completely agree if you move on like especially with class like that okay you know whatever you hurt me but I'm moving my life.
Goodbye. And you go and you go do your own thing.
I agree. It messes their ego.
It messes their, and they're wondering, is she doing better without me? Right. I completely agree.
That works. It has worked for me many times before.
But sometimes, let's be realistic. When somebody dumps you, it's really because they don't like you anymore.
They don't want to have nothing to do with you. And many times even worse, they found somebody else.
Yeah. And then they don't care about what you're doing.
Well, apparently they do or they wouldn't be stuck in your social media. It's not that they don't like you.
It's that their interest level dropped. Interest level goes from zero to 100.
If they're over 50 in interest level, they're with you. If they go below 50, that's when when they what do you mean if over 50 if someone's interest level on a scale of 0 to 100 is over 50 how do you measure that well through their actions like when someone's interest level is 90% they can't control what they say they can't control what they do that's when it's like you absolutely know you don't have to ask 50 is when something they're taking a long time to respond they're busy on the weekends so once they go below 50 that's when they break up with you but it doesn't mean they're not interested because maybe they're at 49 so we just have to get them back over 50 to want to be with you okay so let's say somebody out there listening I and I'm gonna be really honest with all the respect, I still think it's a bad idea.
In general, I think if some, and it's funny because I have a couple of really good friends, best friends. They're my neighbors, two girls, and they were married.
And one of them, a few months ago, out of the blue, decided to move out, like broke the other one's heart. She moved out, packed her bags, broke her heart just before the holidays and said goodbye.
And the one that stayed behind asked me, you know, what should I do? And I said, move on, like start, go to the gym, take care of yourself. Like usually my approach is work on self-improvement.
It always works works for me I focus on myself like somebody breaks my heart I get hotter richer more successful so I I come back I'm the phoenix like six months later I come back even stronger than before of course I my wounds. I suffer like hell because I'm very emotional.
But usually my approach is I get very introverted. I go on this major man diet, meaning like I don't date for a while, but I totally like turn the energy into myself and I become a much better version of myself.
That's how I do do it so if somebody asked my opinion like these two girls I told my neighbor like dude focus on yourself don't take her back I mean she moved out on you but she they made up and she moved back in now they're pissed at me because that was my advice and I stand by my advice because like I said if six months down the line she does it again I warned you right I think it's like reheating souffle like I said or try to you know glue up glass broken glass yeah I don't know but let's say somebody's listening and they want to try out your method and they don't agree with me they say well I want my ex back my ex back, period. I love him.
I love her. Whatever.
She's the man of my life. So can you maybe explain a little more like you said no contact.
So somebody broke up with me yesterday. I'm heartbroken.
It hurts like hell. Can you explain a little bit better? Like what are the next few steps? Yeah, well, definitely working on yourself is a great thing to do.
And the great thing is, is that if you level yourself up, when your ex tries to come back, you may not even want them at that point, because now you're out of their league. So it's like, why would I take you back? Exactly.
So you always want to be working on yourself. Now, if they broke up with you because of your attachment style, if you're too anxious, then you definitely have to work on that

because you're not going to be able to do no contact

if you have an anxious attachment style.

Those are the people that have the most difficult time getting their ex back,

and those are most of my clients, actually.

If you have an avoidant attachment style, which it sounds like you do,

then we have no problem.

I have which one?

An avoidant attachment style. An avoidant? Yes, there's yes there's three types of attachment styles how people attach to other people uh it's not what you think because you're very attached it's not about getting attached it's about how you deal with rejection and uh like if you pull back because the fact that you said oh i'm just going to work on myself and that's either a secure or.
An anxious attachment style would never be able to do that. They would be trying to contact their ex.
Because I have made that mistake before. And you learned.
Yeah, because I've had my heart broken many times. Hence the podcast.
I started the podcast. I was married for a long time.
Horrible marriage. Very abusive marriage for 14 years.
Wow. So when I got out of the marriage and jumped back into the dating game, I'm like, it's chaos.
I don't know how to date. And I started telling my stories and I grew this worldwide audience.
Everybody's sharing their own stories. But I kept getting, you know, tangled up with bad man after bad man.
They, you know, abused me, cheated on me,

lied to me, all that crap. And I did take a cheater back that cheated on me, all this stuff.
So of course, it's been, for me, the podcast has been a process of learning to the point now, three and a half, four years later, I know my value. I know how great and fantastic I am, like the prize that I am but it was a process to get here but yeah I've made every mistake you can dream of I have made so now if somebody breaks up with me you know what to do arrivederci now I'm like.
Arrivederci. Arrivederci.
Ciao. Ciao, bello.
Now I'm like, okay, it's your loss.

Right.

Now I'm different.

But of course, it wasn't always like that.

Right.

So you're either a secure attachment style or an avoidant.

But anyway, so to answer your question.

Yes.

So no contact.

And most exes, 90% are going to try to contact you. Doesn't mean they want you back there if you leave them alone they're gonna pop up yeah you know they just do not go away yeah you would think but do you think it's because people want what they can't have that's part of it uh there's something called the lag period after you break up with someone you know when someone breaks up with you they're not a hundred percent sure that they should break up with you that's the thing like when are you ever a hundred percent sure you might be ninety percent but not a hundred and so we work on that ten percent twenty percent we work on their hmm maybe I shouldn't have broken up with them and so they always pop back up and what you do when they pop back up is going to determine whether you're going to get them back or not.
And most people, they are inclined to respond because they think, well, I have to respond or my ex is not going to contact me again. I wish.
If they are, in fact, if you don't respond to breadcrumbs, they will contact you again if they're still interested. If they're 100% done, okay, there's nothing you can do.
But if there's still some hope there, if there's still some interest, the fact that you're ignoring them until they say something significant is going to raise their interest level, like I said, above 50. And they have to say something, they have to be humble, they can't have an attitude like, oh, you're not responding to me now.
No attitude. I tell my clients, as long as long as they have an attitude they're not in turn getting back together they need to be humble and apologetic yeah there's a big difference right but i read a while ago and i don't even remember it was somebody one of the relationship experts online somebody that i follow the work i don't remember who it was and she wrote something that really stuck in my mind She said, if somebody like broke up with you or is not with you anymore for whatever reason, they basically put you back into the dating pool.
They said, okay, go. They don't care if you're having sex with someone else.
They don't care if you're kissing someone else. They're giving you up.
Like they're giving someone else the chance to be with you. So, I mean, do you really want to get this guy back that gave you away to potentially another guy? The great rewards hunt is on! So join the adventure with DraftKings Casino.
For fun seekers, follow the trail to huge jackpots, weekly bonuses and exclusive games. But the excitement is only getting started because new players can get 500 casino spins on a featured game.
Just sign up with code CATKAT and wager a minimum of $5 to receive 500 casino spins on a future game.

Only the most rewarding place to play, DraftKings Casino.

The crown is yours!

Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER.

In Connecticut, help is available for problem gambling.

Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org.

Please play responsibly.

21 plus. Physically present in Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, only void in Connecticut and Ontario.
Allegibility restrictions apply. New customers only, non-withdrawable.
Casino spins value for feature game only and expire in 168 hours. See terms at casino.draftkings.com slash promos and April 27, 25 at 11.59 p.m.
Eastern. So when it comes to matters of the heart it's not logical the heart has its reasons which reason knows not of and so you're not going to argue with the heart people who've been broken up with their brain scans are similar to people who are trying to get off of coke yeah so if you're trying to tell someone to get off coke you're not going to just say hey just stop doing coke oh okay i didn't think about yeah i'll just stop doing coke same with getting an ex back hey stop trying to get your ex back they're not going to stop it's an addiction they're like a crack at it so i can only help them maneuver through the addiction do you ever see cases that you think like okay no you're just obsessed this is obsessed.
This is a bad idea. Your ex doesn't want it.
Cut it out. So I'm a hired gun.
You know, if they hire me, then I'm going to help them unless there's been abuse. If they tell me there's physical abuse, then I go, no, I'm not going to help you.
However, I will help them, but I will also try to plant the seeds that, listen, maybe this guy or this girl isn't as great as you think they are, but they don't want to hear that. All I can do is plant a seed.
Right. What if the person they want back found someone else? Usually if they get into something relatively after a short time, after they broke up with you, it's a rebound.
And most rebounds don't work because they're trying to use that person to get over you. They haven't processed their feelings.
So I tell my clients, don't worry about rebounds. So you think that eventually it's just going to expire and they're going to say, oh, I really miss you, and that's how they come back? Well, I mean, they're either going to get married or they're going to break up.
The chances are they're going to break up. And come back to the person they broke up with.
Let's take a really quick break and talk about a very easy, quick fix for a problem that a lot of us have. Super tired eyes.
If you're crazy busy like me, some days there is no amount of makeup in the world that can hide your tired eyes. And this is why I partnered with Mare, Marine collagen eye gels and collagen facial masks.
Dermatologist recommended with hyaluronic acid and pearl extract, a professional treatment for puffy eyes, dark circles, and eye bags. Mare, M-A-R-E-E, eye gels are a fast and delicate fix for tired eyes.
I love them. They're suitable for all skin types and also exfoliate tired skin.
This is why I like them because some days, especially after long, long, long hectic work schedules, right, I wake up and my eyes are so puffy. I look at myself in the

mirror like, oh my God, what am I going to do? You put them on for a few minutes and they de-puff your skin so fast. You can get yours right now on Amazon or right on their website, imarie.com.
I am as in Mary, A-R-E-E dot com. Professional treatment for dark circles, bags under your eyes, super fast dermatologist tested for all skin types.
I absolutely love them. And this one is for everyone that loves to play poker and is planning a trip to Las Vegas.
I just came back from Las Vegas.

I found out about this and I want to share with you guys because I had so much fun. I'm inviting you to go check out the most fun, most private poker game in town held right inside Aria's Resort VIP Poker Room.
It's called Table 1. And I love the name and it's very fitting because this is the most exclusive, hottest poker table in town right now.
Even if you're not that into poker or new to the game and want to try it out, this is a great opportunity to network with businessmen, athletes, and celebrities in a super exclusive environment. Mr.
Beast has played there. Dan Bilzerian has played there.
Golf Pros have played in it. It's like an elite exclusive social club, but also a really, really fun, cool environment.
And you're going to play Texas No Limit Hold'em,

and you're going to have so much fun. It's blowing up.
Definitely one of the hottest places in all of Las Vegas right now. However, your name needs to be on the list in order for you to gain access.
So make sure you send me a message. If you want to do it through Instagram, Kat Zamuto, Z-A-M-M-U-T-O, DM there or text me

or WhatsApp on 1-310-692-0578 to reserve your seat for priority access. And I am going to give you some incredible special comps that are only available to my guests.
You guys got to listen to this. They will reimburse your Aria hotel fee for up to $350 for each day you play the game.
They will give you private transportation from the airport to the hotel. And they will give you access to special airfare deals for business and first class tickets.
I mean, these guys will totally roll out the red carpet for you, and you're going to have so much fun. So if you're planning a trip to Las Vegas, let me hook you up with Table 1, and you are going to love it.
Don't forget, send me a message. If you guys love fashion and style and comfort as much as I do, go check out Girly A La Mode, building a worldwide community for body positivity, self-love and inclusion.
Hashtag everybody is beautiful, super cozy, affordable, everyday wear, hoodies, sweatshirts, casual tank tops, workout pieces. My favorite, which is the organic reusable tote, beanies, really, really, and that's the keyword for me, affordable everyday wear that you can use to run errands, stay home, work out, get tons of pieces for yourself, for gifts, for your friends.
The love collection is out now. Everything is super, super, super cute, adorable.
Go check it out. girlyalamode.shopping, g-i-r-l-i-e, alamode.shopping and girlyalamode.com and on Instagram, girlyalamode.
If you leave them alone and if you work on yourself and you level up. Okay, so let's go back to the leaving alone.
Can you talk us through the process of your silenzio? How does the silenzio act work? Okay, so I have a panic button here. A panic button? Because so there's a counter.
It shows you how many days you've been in no contact. This is the counter.
You set the time and the day of the breakup, and it starts counting. And a woman, actually, she wrote in, and she said the app saved her life.
And I said, what? How? And she said she was in an abusive relationship. She was trauma bonded.
She was unable to leave. She kept going back.
And then she got the app. She used the timer and it gave her strength.
Every day she saw it going up, up, up. And she didn't go back.
Okay. Isn't that crazy? So she, okay, so it's, wait.
Let's rewind. Okay, are you? So somebody broke, she, whoever she was with broke up with her.
Well, I think in this case, he was abusive. She was trying to leave.
She kept trying to leave, but she kept going back because she was trauma bonded. So, in this case, she didn't want to go back with him? No, but she kept going back.
So, the app helped her be strong enough to not go back? Yes. Okay, I like this one.
Yes, and then also the panic button. What is the panic button? Okay, so when you press the panic button, you hear my voice giving you a very good reason why you should not contact your ex.
So I'll press the panic button now, and let's see what it says. Okay.
If you break no contact, you may temporarily relieve your anxiety, but it's only going to be

short-term relief if your ex doesn't want to get back together so it's a different statement every time they press the button oh just and give them and you know it's like oh I want to contact my ex oh let me hit the panic button alright I won't contact okay and then what so you go so many So you go so many days. You focus on yourself.
If you're going to post on social media, look happy, upbeat. No cryptic posts about exes.
Don't try to send a silent message. Right? You want to give them zero attention whatsoever.
Take the focus off of them. Focus on you.
Yeah, move on with your life, basically, right? Right. and then I found that the golden period as I'll call it of 45 to 60 days after the point of last contact so not necessarily after the breakup because if you still stayed in touch a week or two then you look at the point of last contact count 45 to 60 days and there's a very good chance that's when you'll hear from your ex.
Okay. I've found with my clients.
45 to 60 days? Yes. So at least we have a time period because everyone's always wondering when are they going to hear from their ex? Because everyone thinks they're going to get their ex back next week, within a couple of weeks, and it generally takes at least 45 to 60 days to at least hear from your ex.
And then even then, it a process of you just have a phone conversation okay now we're back together just like they didn't decide usually in one day to break up with you they're not gonna decide in one day to get back with you it's a whole process it always takes months with all my clients it takes months not because I'm a bad coach but that's just how long it takes right and two guys it took them two years oh my god they did not want to give up and it worked and they finally got them back but it got them back and uh yes one is getting married this year and the other one i think they got married also i am really surprised i don't know i like i said i just have this image that it's like, ugh. It's not always that bad.
Sometimes like the client that got his ex back after two years, he was just showing too much jealousy and insecurity. You know, and as women, we want a strong guy, not someone who's anxious.
And so it was a turnoff. And so she broke up with him.
So he spent, I mean, he wasn't trying the whole two years obviously to get her back obviously he was in no contact and they would run into each other once in a while and then finally they're back together I'm sure it's possible because relationships are so singular right each case is a case each situation is a situation in general like I said for me if somebody leaves me yeah I don't want that I think for whatever reason I don't want to revisit that I don't want to go through that again I would always have some kind of trust issue and then I start and it's funny because my the way my mind works I start looking at that person like oh you know what he's so right like we weren weren't meant for each other and he did that thing that I didn't like and that thing that I start thinking that I deserve somebody better in that area or better in that area. I just think it's just so complicated to try to regroup and make it better.
Is it possible? Yeah, it's possible. But in general, it just sounds like, I don't know.
I know. It's a lot of work.
It sounds like a lot of work. And one of your podcast episodes, and I don't know, I thought it was a little harsh.
That's what I want to ask. Well, listen, I'm known for tough...
You're a tough cookie. Tough luck.
Listen, I say that getting an ex-pack is like, you're in a war. People don't want to believe that.
But that's the thing. It shouldn't be a war.
Well, it is. I don't want to be in like...
And that's another thing. I don't want to fight for anybody to love me.
I don't want to... I certainly not going to beg anybody to love me.
I think love should be organic. It should be natural.
People like... If two people want to be together, they should be together.
It should be like a two-way street street if i have to go and make all this effort and i'm like okay i'm out you know i know but that's just the nature of love and human emotions they're messy so this episode that i want to ask you about okay and i think it's the title if i'm not wrong because i'm telling last night i spent many hours in bed with my dogs listening to your episodes.

I love their short and sweet.

But you wrote, if you don't get your ex back, it's your fault.

Well, I should mention, if you know about no contact and you don't get your,

and there's a chance to get your ex back, and you don't, it's your fault.

But I couldn't fit all that into the title.

That's an awful long title.

So you think the secret is the no contact?

It's absolutely the secret.

So everybody listening, if somebody, so let's rewind,

because I know we're talking really fast and furious.

Because this topic really piqued my curiosity. It piques everyone's curiosity because everyone's been broken up with.
Everyone's been heartbroken. Yes.
And like I said, I admit I changed because I've had my heart broken so many times. And I tell stories that people cringe.
I've had people cheat on me on Valentine's Day. My boyfriend cheated on me on my birthday.
I've had like the craziest, most horrible, this dude broke up with me. By the way, I think I'm going to make a parenthesis and you tell me if you agree, if you're going to, everybody has the right to break up with anyone.
Sure. Cause they're adults.
Okay. But do it in a civil life.
Cause I believe in karma and I treat everybody the way I like being treated. I've broken up relationships, but look at the person's eyes, be respectful, be kind, breaking up over the phone.
I mean, come on. That is so tacky, right? That is so disrespectful.
Do you agree? It depends how long you've been dating. I don't think it depends.
It was a few months, but honestly, we were all over each other's lives. He knew all my friends, my clients.
We were literally sleeping in each other's homes, traveled together. He knew my neighbor.
Yeah, we were very intense. I think if you're man enough to be that intense, sit down, have a cup of coffee.
But know like but breaking up like you know i changed my mind like a child yeah i think for all i have a big massive male audience out there and i know dating apps are transforming big mature men into like teenagers again be a man look at at your woman's eyes and say you know for whatever reason i changed my mind and you part ways as friends but breaking up over the phone I just think it's really cheesy yeah they don't have the emotional maturity and what about breaking up over text which is even worse oh my god yeah exactly don't do it like be man up I tell my clients if someone breaks up with you over text don't even respond even respond. I love that.
Don't even dignify the text with a response. I love that.
And then they're going to text you again. It's like, did you get my message? I know.
I don't think I would. If somebody broke up with me over text, I agree with you.
I don't even think I would dignify that. Yeah, what's to respond? Yeah, that's ridiculous.
I think, especially men, be gentlemen. If you're dating someone, talk to them.
Like the same way that you talk to them when you want to take them on a date, when you ask them to be your girlfriend, when you ask them to be exclusive. You know, treat women with the same kindness that you want your daughters to be treated, your sisters, your mom, right? That say so to me that was like and that's what I'm saying like months later if that person is still talking to me or even decided like oops I made a mistake you know I miss out on obviously one of the hottest most fabulous girls on the planet I'm like yeah dude you, but that's your loss.
I don't want you anymore. Thank you for making room for the right one to come along.
And why did that guy break up with you after two months? No, it was more than two months. It was four months, I think, almost five.
Because I think I told that story on the podcast before. It was very funny.
married for 25 years very conservative marriage blah blah blah blah and we met on bumble and when we met he told me that he was very and he looked me in the eyes like you know very firm like I'm ready for a relationship I know what I want and this is what drew me to it because I had my doubts about it

about about dating someone who was getting out of a marriage yes so all the red flags were down but he was so like looked me and said I'm ready and that's it and he was so convincing yeah and and reassuring and told me over and over again oh you're the girl for me and we had so many things in common. We clicked on so many boxes.
And he kept reassuring me. But then months into it, he told me.
I found out he was still on Bumble. And then his excuse was, oh, I don't want to date any one of these girls.
It's just massaging my ego. And why do you need your ego massage? Now I laugh about it.
He said, oh, it's because after being married for so long, just knowing that all these girls are there, that day I should have ran out. I should have left.
Yeah. And I, you know, when you said you had a short relationship and he broke up with you over the phone, I had a feeling it was because he wasn't ready.
And I've heard this story before. When someone has just gotten out of a long-term relationship or a marriage, I don't care how much they argue that, I'm ready, I'm ready.
No, you're not. Leave them alone for at least a year.
You're asking for trouble otherwise. No, I completely agree with you.
But since he kept saying to me, I don't care what he said. No, I agree.
Now I know. Yeah.
But after that, he got out of Bumble. He reassured me, you know, you're the girl for me.
I want to be with you. Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So then one beautiful day, he said, I changed my mind. Okay, whatever.
Okay, bye, next. And yeah, it broke my heart.
I was super shocked because we were very intense. And he was very like all over my life, whatever.
And I don't hold like, you know, any hard feelings. And again, like I said, once I picked up the pieces and I started thinking about it, I agree with you.
We many times ignore the red flags. And men do that too, but women, we have a tendency of ignoring red flags.
Right. We're too nice.
Right. You want to give people the benefit of a doubt.
Yeah. And, and, uh, as much as, yeah, we, we, we had so many things in common.
Like the minute I noticed the dude was, Oh, let me see what else is out there. I should have said, go for it.
And I wanted to, I should have removed myself from that situation, but I kept believing the bullshit and I got burned right or you just say okay you're on bumble no problem I'll be back on and we'll just date other people at the same time we'll see how it goes yeah but and he probably wouldn't have liked that right but that's the thing I just have a personality at this point in my life I don't play games I don't want to play games you know I don't I don't want to waste my time yeah you know I'm I'm at a point my life I want to have a relationship and I'm really happy by myself I'm super fulfilled by myself but I certainly I'm thankful that he made that mistake because it was better sooner than later right but I think many times our fault, because like you said, if a guy tells you he's still married, getting out of a marriage, like don't get tangled up with a guy like that. No matter what he says.
No matter what he says. There are never any exceptions to this rule.
I once met this guy, he had just gotten out of a seven-year relationship. It had only been three months.
He was amazing. I'm like, nope.
No, it's because most guys they will want and and this phrase is very telling like if a guy tells you they want to feed their ego ding ding ding ding ding right like because these dating apps yeah they guys love playing this game like ordering girls like door dash like oh oh God, look at all these blondes. They want to date me.
I am so hot. And, I mean, these dudes are, like, in their 50s.
Or so they say. Oh, so whatever, 50s, whatever, 60s.
But it's making them feel like teenagers again. Right, and act like teenagers.
And act like teenagers. Right.
But back to getting the ex ex back so i don't want this ex back thank

you very much next i don't want any of any of my exes back but the for the people that do want the

ex back let's finish this because i still want to ask you because you also tell people like how to

forget the ex before we run out of time so you use the silenzio app and you go through this process

of like ignoring them so that's the tactic somebody listening you have your heart broken

And So you use the Silenzio app and you go through this process of like ignoring them. So that's the tactic.
Somebody listening, you have your heart broken. Resist all the urge.
Do not contact under any circumstance. Unless you cheated or took your ex for granted.
And by taking them for granted, and usually men are the ones who are taking their girlfriends for granted. Usually women aren't taking their guys for granted.
That means that your ex felt like they were not a priority, like they weren't important to you. That's my definition of taking for granted.
So if you did either of those two things, it is up to you to get them back, obviously, because if you cheated on someone, you can't expect them to come looking for you. But I always say, wait at least a month because they need to calm down from the shock and then start attempting.
But just understand it's going to take a long time if you cheated or took them for granted. Otherwise, if you didn't do those two things, yes, you stay in no contact until your ex says something significant, no matter how long that takes.
Because if they're not ready to say something significant, then they're probably not not ready to get back together so all you're doing by responding is just showing them that you're still interested and so you appease their temporary anxiety and that lengthens the time that it will take to get your ex back so that's why it's important to be quiet and not say anything you raise their anxiety and you raise their interest what is something significant hey can we talk and then you say about what and then they go about us and you go well what about us you write so you don't just immediately oh sure let's talk right you got to feel them out they have to show that maybe they made a mistake they're starting to doubt you know you'll know you know you'll know you feel it yeah and so then when you talk then you ask the six questions so you got to kind of have them a little note to ask in your phone to ask the six questions not all at once just in the course of the conversation find out why they want you back and then like i said they're on probation for 30 days to make sure that they are going to stick to what they said. And they really probation for how long? At least 30 days.
Do you think that's enough? Probably not. But that's why I said at least 30 days.
Depends on the breakup. Yeah.
Um, now if somebody cheated, do you think it's possible? I think cheating. Oh my God.
That's God, to me, that's even worse because how do you trust a cheater again? Again, I understand. Again, what was the reason for the breakup? What was the circumstance? And what do you call cheating? Some people will call it cheating if you just texted another girl.
Oh, come on. Really? Yeah.
No, that's cheating. So, you know, unless I think there was actual physical contact, it's not really cheating.
It may have an emotional cheating. So there's physical and emotional.
Probably emotional is worse because it's like you had an intimate conversation with this person, but there was no sex. It's like that's even worse.
Yeah, it can be. It can be.
But do you think that's repairable? If both people want to repair it,'re gonna have to build the trust that's super tough right and sometimes you have to go to therapy to figure out why you guys got to that place in the first place yeah I would always always wonder would you if they're gonna cheat again mmm I know I'm pretty intuitive so first of all it would depend if I even took them back because I'm like you right for myself personally for myself it's like if you break up with me good luck trying to get me back uh-huh I like that right see yes yeah but if I do give you a second, then it's because I do trust you. However, at the first sign of a red flag, then I'm out of there for good.
Yeah, no, same. And I tell you guys, the one boyfriend that I gave, and I told that story before and people are shocked.
It was the first boyfriend I had after my horrible marriage. He cheated on me on valentine's day super creepy story with his ex-girlfriend yeah he was in bed with her the whole day oh my god anyway and then i forgave him gave him a chance dated him an extra whole year then he cheated on me on my birthday i caught him yeah having dinner on my birthday with someone else.
I literally saw it with my own eyes at the restaurant. What did you do? Yes.
Oh, big scandal. I threw a glass at his face with whiskey, the flowers, the rose got kicked out of the huge scandal.
And then you know, the whole story is on the podcast. He caught COVID.
That was just March 2020.

He caught COVID from the girl he was cheating with.

Ended up in the hospital.

This is a true story, people.

I'm not making this up.

Ended up in the hospital.

Apologized to me like, oh, my God, you're the best thing that I've ever made in my life.

Please forgive me.

I'm going to get out of here.

I'm going to make it.

And at that point, I was like, just get out of the hospital, hospital right i don't want you to die true story he died true story yeah he died no i'm serious i'm laughing like no but serious he died apologized to me from the hospital yeah but so i'm like that was the worst trauma right in my, giving somebody like a second chance because, yeah, he did it all over again. So like to me, in my mind, I think like a cheater, they just have this behavior that they think it's okay to cheat and they're always going to cheat.
It depends on their age. Usually, obviously, the younger you are, the more you're likely to cheat.
But as you get older, hopefully you become more mature and you realize. Yeah, he was in his 50 hopefully you become more mature and you realize so okay then if he's cheating in his 50s forget it yeah there's no hope i don't want to say too many bad things about him because he died but he was a pig yes yeah now you also say like that you help people forget exes so can you talk a little bit about that? If somebody doesn't want their ex back, if they want to forget the ex? Yeah.
Because that can be really tough too. Absolutely.
So there's something called FAB, which is fated effect bias. And that means that as time goes by, if you've been in a bad relationship, you tend to forget the bad and you focus on the good.
Yeah. And that's also one way of getting your ex to contact you because they'll slowly forget the bad things so you want to use that in reverse so instead of thinking of the good because that's why you want them back you want to think of the bad and if make a list if you have to because there's no way the relationship was perfect otherwise there wouldn't have been a breakup so you know he chewed too loudly when he ate or you know he did you know he did this he didn't work out he had a dad bod whatever i love that idea yes physically make a list of all the things you don't like about them right and read it every day if you have you have to.
Yeah, it's like your morning prayer. Every morning, read that list.
And again, focus on yourself. Go on a trip if you have to.
When you change your environment, you change your thoughts. Especially if you go on a trip, you're focused just on what you're going to do on that trip.
So that's a great way to kickstart the getting over someone. I love that idea.
And I know when people are going through a heartbreak and we're laughing and making fun of it. But it's very painful.
Absolutely. It hurts like hell.
It's physical pain, actually. It's physical pain.
Yeah. And it's mental pain.
It's anguish. A lot of people get depressed.
Of course, I've been there. I don't know if you've been there.
Yeah, of course I have. Yeah, most of us humans have been there.

Yes.

But I will tell you guys from experience that if you take the first steps, right, and you really make an effort and focus on yourself, it's such a wonderful exercise and it works wonders. Like the hard part is the first step, right? But if you really switch that energy into focusing on yourself and you you talk a lot about that on your podcast like like you say that it's i think it's one of the things that you recommend like to to bring your ex back if you start focusing a lot on yourself yeah i actually have a meditation to bring take your energy back from your ex because right now all your focus is on your ex and you're actually sending them energy, which they feel.
And when you cut that energy off, they actually feel when you've cut it off. And that's when people often hear from their exes.
So I have that meditation on the podcast and on my YouTube to take your energy back. And so yeah, you definitely want to do that when you're trying to get over them and don't jump into the dating pool right away because if you're not over your ex you're going to go out on a date and you're going to feel miserable and you're going to go home and want to call your ex oh really you think so oh that's yeah that happens a lot interesting because i would have thought that maybe it's something fun to distract your mind not the attention of other people not if you're you're not over your ex.
Because you're going to be on the date comparing them. Really? Yo, yes.
I don't know, because for me, to be honest, it has worked in the past. I put myself out there just for fun.
And the attention of other guys makes me feel great. Like, ah, all these guys want to date me, even if I don't want to date them.
Yeah. You know, just for fun, like to, instead of sitting home, like whatever, watching TV and crying, it makes me feel good.
No, it depends where in the grieving process you are. So it sounds, if you had been just under the breakup, I don't think you would have felt that way.
And also depends on your attachment style too, which we talked about earlier. Yeah.
Amazing. So how can people find you and the app? And you guys should definitely check out her podcast because they're short and sweet.
I love them. I like to get to the point.
No beating around the bush. I love them.
That's our style here, as you notice. And I love your YouTube videos.
So can you tell everyone here on Caneloos how they can find you? Yes, you can find the link to everything on my website, theartoflove.net. The Art of Love.
I love that. Thank you.
And before you guys decide if you I mean, no judgment, if you want your exes back, good luck. It's a war out there.
But before you decide if you want your exes back or not think about working on self-improvement and self-love I think that's the my message out of all of this here today yeah and self-worth self-worth I love that Lucia thank you so much was a huge pleasure having you you're amazing thank you so much time time went by so fast I it. I knew it would.
First love, self-love first and foremost. You're gorgeous.
You're fabulous. Don't forget to go look at the full video episode of This Cat on the Loose on YouTube and of course the audio episode on all platforms where you enjoy your podcast.
Thank you so much, Lucia. The Art of Love.
I love the name. Thank you.
Thank you. Be safe out there.
Don't care too much about your ex. They don't deserve it.
Bye. See you soon.
Bye. Thank you.
Big shout out to the Burrata House, one of my favorite casual dining places in the heart of West Hollywood. They make authentic, delicious, fresh Italian food, sandwiches, pasta, salads with the delicious, delicious fresh burrata on top on 161 South Crescent Heights.
So if you're looking for a place that you can have a quick bite for lunch, dinner, takeout for your family, this is it. And I love, of course, supporting local businesses.
So if you guys are in the Los Angeles area, West Hollywood, go check out the Burrata House. If you guys want to see pictures, burrathouse.com on Instagram, Burrata House.
I love, love, love their food so much. Everything is really, really yummy.
Not only I'm a huge supporter of women supporting women, but I have so many amazing guy friends in my industry. So I want to give two big shout outs to people that also do podcasts and radio stations.
It's such a tough business. So big, big shout outs to other podcasts that I love very, very, very much.
And I always say there is room for everybody. I think we need to stop looking at each other as competition, competition, competition, and more looking at each other as co-workers, looking at each other as collaborators, because like I said, if we're authentic, we should all do our thing and there is space for everybody.
So if you guys love sports, I highly recommend check out Aira on Sports, one of the top sports podcasts in the nation by Aira Kaufman. A Ira is a walking encyclopedia of sports.
He follows sports no matter what it is, football, volleyball, tennis, golf, you name it, he's there up and down the country, everywhere. Amazing guest interviews.
He drops new episodes every Monday. He is incredible.
He's in all the games. He always has exclusive photos, exclusive videos on Instagram, on Twitter, Aira on Sports.
I highly recommend you guys check it out. I love it.
And if you're a huge fan of country music, I love it. Check out Kick-Ass Country Radio.
You can listen everywhere you go. You can get all the links through their Instagram,

kickass country music, so you can get your country vibe on the go. Big shout out to them.