Hard Truths & Healing ft. Remi Bader

I love your notes. You better f*** it up.
This is the SATs of podcasts apparently. Now I'm scared.
I'm like, what are we doing? I do feel like all of this and why I wanted to talk about it will actually be just a relief on me. I feel like it's kind of been all of this has been like eating me alive inside a little bit.
When you say something as a content creator, someone with a following, people listen to you. I know, but it's a lot of responsibility.
It's a lot of responsibility and I'm sharing my journey, but I'm not here to tell anyone what to do. You should see the messages I get on the daily.

I feel like people just want an answer from me

and that's not what I'm giving.

I just want it to be on my terms and because I want to,

not because anyone's making me.

so remy i know that you haven't you don't do a lot of like podcasts i used to right i used to i've been on social media for like four-ish years now before that i wasn't and i feel like i like loved i liked to talk i like to talk so i do a lot of podcasts and things. And I feel like I kind of set a boundary for myself in I guess it was like September of 2023 where I was like just getting too much shit online from people and negative and mostly related to like my body and how I looked that I was like, why? Why am I giving all this to people and like giving everyone all of me when like they're not respecting me? And I was just like, I'm just letting you guys know, like I'm done sharing anything about personal and my health and me.
And you actually reposted that video and you got some shit for that. Do you remember that? I do, but I don't care about that stuff I know you don't care but I just it's like I think it goes to show like how the whole point of the internet like it's like you got stuff for that for people saying like for me supporting you and being like I remember how proud I was and am of you um for being vulnerable but more importantly for setting a boundary for whatever the boundary is yeah I think in this industry it's people with social media people feel like they have the right to say anything they want about you and yes they I guess they technically do have that right but you have the same right to limit yourself to what type of exposure you want to put out there and the fact that you were doing that and not feeling like you had to continuously feed the beast that is so respectable and I was so proud of you for that because that's a hard thing to do

especially when you're like you you said you were only on you started in 2020 yeah and I've always

been an open book so it was like that never changed once I got online it wasn't a thought

like oh I'm gonna start not sharing this like that's why people started wanting to follow me

I think it's a scary Thing when you then change that right So you and I don't know the year you And I met I don't know the year Maybe 2021 or two yes And yeah we met at A good American event yes um and i've just love you you are a lightning rod and i connect with you and i feel like so much of the things that you go through i've been through i could relate with you on and you and i we chat back and forth and something that I always just feel so terrible for you about is the like just the noise that's constantly ringing on your side. And I hate that for you.
But what I've loved from afar is I see such growth in you and I see the stance you've taken. And I feel like now, especially being with you right now, because I'm not with you in person a lot, it's like a don't fuck with me type of energy.
But I love that. And maybe that's also like, I know when I went into my 40s, I was intentional.
Like, I'm not taking a lot of this toxic shit with me because a lot of shit got me down in my 30s. And that's also what I was saying too.
It doesn't matter how old you are, what you've gone through. Sometimes you can be even older and something just hits you the wrong way and it knocks you off your balance.
And for you, I sort of feel like the same thing's happening for you. You've entered this new decade, this new era.
And it's like, OK, this is the new version of me. You're going to take it or leave it.
Yeah. Do you feel like that? I do.
I do. I feel like it's taken me a while to get here.
And I also think that the people that follow me or see me online think that it's just because of the way I look or have changed my appearance that now I'm giving this energy. And I think the point is that it's so much more than that.
Right. Like, it's not just that.
Like, yes, I do look different than when I started on social media and that and how I looked last year and I think it's I do understand why people feel it needs or should be addressed I don't think I owe anyone anything no but I do think it's it's part of me wanting to still want to share my journey while still keeping those boundaries on me and I feel like that's why it's like like, I'm not just going to give people an answer like, yes, I did this or this because exactly what you're saying. Like, I do feel like happy and I do feel like I'm giving, I feel a different energy within me, but it's not just because of the way I look like there's so much more that happened and there's so much more like in the past year that got me to this point.
Right. I totally get that when I, I mean, I remember when we started being on TV when I was 21 or 22 and I remember the questions people would ask and it was a different time than two.
They would ask such intrusive questions. And yes, at the time I would answer them because I'm 22 and I'm like, oh, and I would answer things.
And now when I see old clips of myself, I like the audacity yeah that even that adult thinks I would like that I should answer that it could be a sexual thing and I'm like doesn't even mean I'm doing that thing I just don't think that's for you to even have out there if I am or I'm if I'm not and I remember now looking back I'm like but it's older you get, or the more wisdom you get, that you do set those boundaries for yourself. So I totally relate to that.
And I think that that people love to say, like, you change. I'm sure you've gotten that over time, too.
And I think it's like, I was fighting that for so long. Like, no, I haven't.
Like, I'm the same Remy. And I'm like, but I also like, aren't you supposed to over time like change and evolve at the same time? Like I'm like, why is that an insult? Now I'm trying to accept that.
I'm like, yeah, like there's parts of me that have changed. Well, that's like me getting mad at my six year old child if she's like, I do not eat chicken fingers today.
And then in a year she's like, I only eat chicken. Like we're supposed to evolve, adapt.
And guess what our taste buds change for food yeah for life for just what we want to do so I find whenever people say you've changed as if that's a negative thing just say thank you yeah I want to say I hope so I want to fucking change like hello so I know you've been really private about your health journey but um in nylon magazine you did say that you't owe anybody an explanation, which I believe you really don't. But I know that you do struggle with yourself with because you have always been such an open book.
You do struggle with giving your fans the explanation, but also having some boundaries and privacy for yourself. Is that still how you're feeling? Yes, I still feel like it's hard for me to have these boundaries, but I'm sticking to them as best as I can.
I knew that me losing a very significant amount of weight was going to end up being something I should probably talk about, but not something in way that like it's been received online of

like I need to I owe it to people I've let down women in society like all these things I mean you should see the messages I get on the daily and it's like that actually makes me want to tell my story and my journey less right that pisses me off yeah the people and the reason that I do then feel like guilty and like I do want to talk about it is for the people that like I guess I used to be that message me and are like so desperate for like I just you seem happier like I would love to figure out a way to be happy too and they're basing that just on my body and there's obviously more to that but like I used to actually message people I don't remember who or when but before I had a following of like when I would see people lose weight or be going or just going through any sort of life journey and look happier and I would be like I need help like I remember being that right so those are the people that then I'm just like I love to help people by just I'm not saying I'm I have all the answers because I literally don't but by just sharing my story and that's what I miss and feel like I lost that connection a little bit with my followers but I needed to do it for me like I needed to give myself the whole past year to heal and like figure out what even just happened right because there's just like I feel like people just want like an answer from me and that's not what I'm giving. But see that I find to be very responsible.
Like I think if anyone were to give an answer or justification or explanation of any sort, when you're still processing and going through something yourself and still having this body transformation, I don't even know if that's really responsible because you're going through it yourself. And if you're going through it, you don't really know the ups, the downs.
And it would be okay to share all those moments, but sometimes people don't want to talk about it while they're going through it. I know that's how I've felt in a lot of situations.
Like, let me process this. Let me discuss it when I can.
And I think that's that's the mature thing to do I agree and I think that I always did it a different way which I don't regret those things like even just like going through a breakup online and bringing my followers through that like I needed that because I actually needed their support and never went through something like that like the accountability yeah so you don't go back that's for sure that too like Nope I'm not gonna go back To that person But this situation I stuck to What I actually feel Like I don't regret that And I don't feel like I owed anyone anything I think it's more Just at this point I can't like live my life And post because I am Someone that just Posts on social Like I started by posting On social media I do do other things things. But like if I post any video, it's just about at this point, like, well, are you going to tell us how you lost the weight? And are you going to tell us, give us answers? You're lying.
You're not sharing anything. And like, it's kind of at this point eating me alive.
And it's not. And I had to really think about it.
I just wanted to be on my terms when I was ready. And because I want to, not because anyone's making me.
Well, what, what if anything do you want to share about your health journey? I do want to say that before saying all of this I'm not a doctor and I'm sharing my journey but I'm not here to tell anyone what to do. When I posted that video in 2023 I feel like that's when things started kind of going downhill with my health, September 2023, where I told people I wasn't going to share any more about it.
That's when I started feeling it myself. It wasn't just like other people around me.
I've always had, you know, noise and things from my parents telling me to lose weight, just like growing up with that. And, you know, especially as I as I gained more weight which was frustrating I definitely felt that from like my boyfriend at the time but that was more of what I was I wasn't sure and I felt that from like friends and family like it was like this unsaid thing I think from the start in 2020 I gained probably like 80 to 100 pounds to 2023 so that you know I'm not looking at it in that way but everyone else online would let me know about how much weight I gained which was such a like mind can I say yeah yeah you could say anything like a mind fog yeah um and really confused me so it was everyone else letting me know that but at that same time was actually like, I remember like my back went out.

I was in bed for like a month. Like I was like, if I even like turned a little, I would like scream in pain.
I would here and there when I could go to, I don't know, fashion events or I had friends' weddings and things. And I would literally bring Dr.
Scholl's shoes because I could not stand in my heels. And I was wearing like gowns with these shoes because I was in so much pain.
My knees were going out. I would get glam done and it would be off my face in 20 minutes because I was like dripping sweat in my apartment off my face.
I think there became more there was like those things. But then there became more serious things where it actually started like clicking a little for me.
I was in pain. So that was one.
But then like I had a, you know, my a constant period and my doctor was telling me I was becoming infertile and at 28. And that's scary.
Yeah. And I I was, you know, a lot of things like I was tracking my I was always going to a doctor.
So I was like tracking and seeing kind of how things were going downhill in terms of my heart, my cholesterol. I mean, they were telling me I was morbidly obese.
And there was a there was a number of things. I think the infertile thing definitely hit me.
Right. And the literally the pain that I was in and like limping and like couldn't walk normally and things like that.
And then I remember actually that day again I keep going back to that video that I posted that you reposted but that day was when I made this decision because I was like okay. Do you regret posting that video? No.
Okay I don't regret posting that video. I wish that people remembered it but people you know like I thought that that was gonna be like my savior of like well I already said that I'm not gonna share it anymore.
Got it. But like, no, people like will.
They don't pay attention to that. And normally not like the good.
They're just holding on to whatever this whatever they want to be angry about. They're just like, well, you aren't being the same you.
And I'm like, but I told you a long time ago I was done doing that. I want to pin this.
Yeah. No, I've reposted it five times.
Like it's like I'm like, no one's going to listen. I'm'm right.
You're like whatever. So that day I was like if none of these people existed in my life that feel this way or all of these outside people, what would I do now? And I already feel like I tried everything.
I feel like it's important to say what I tried because I also like really dealt with binge eating for years. I would say like 2019 on like I always did like

diets and restricted and then gained weight lost weight like the typical growing up like did that

the diets with my mom for fun like you know that ended up traumatizing me later on um but it was

a different time it was a different time everyone I know that sounds crazy no it was it was a things

were acceptable in the 90s early 2000s that I mean would not fly I have the conversation with my mom all the time like I'm like I want to not hold this against you I love you like it's not our it's really not our if you like put in context the timing it's there they were just doing the best that they knew how yes so I tried a number of things. I went to a very like serious six week intensive binge eating program.
I went to right before that I went to like overeaters anonymous meetings, which I'm not sure if people even know it's literally like you sit in a circle like hi, I'm Remy. And I tried everything like I was desperate.
You know, I did that program. And after that program, which I think was the summer of 2022, it would be like the ultimate no to do something that had to do with weight loss after that.
But that's when the Ozempic stuff was coming out and like people started using it. I think I said this before.
I'm not sure if I ever did, but I tried Ozempic before it was even a thing in 2020 when it just came out. OK.
During COVID. And like my doctor was just like, oh, you're pre-diabetic.
You should try this. I went on it.
I lost probably like 10 pounds, but I was really sick and threw up a lot from it. Like it just didn't work for me.
Right. And then after the eating disorder program, I was like so I gained a lot of weight from that program just based on like what they tell you to do.
And like you're eating a it whatever your program is I gained a lot more weight so it was even in more pain and more uncomfortable and I was like I can't I don't care anymore I'm gonna try Ozempic again right so I tried it again I was getting sick every day lost a little bit of weight not a lot I don't feel like it worked but very well for me switched to Manjaro tried that same kind of thing and at that point it was like probably like six months and I was just like I can't I'm not going to just keep being this miserable every day that I went off of that and then gained even more weight like that's what that summer it just caught up to me like I just became I do believe for me and I have to say that because I've said in the past and it's turned into something else, like Ozempic and those, I think if it works for someone, amazing, great for you. For me, it didn't.
And it was such a bandaid for me that when I went off it, I got like ravenous starving. I didn't do maybe enough therapy or things I need to do to change my behaviors during that time.
And I got a lot bigger. All right, let's be real.
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So then I was on, I was like, okay, I've tried everything. Right.
Every single thing in the book, what haven't I tried? And I did come across on TikTok, like bariatric TikTok surgery, like weight loss surgery. And I was like, oh, I could never while I have like this following and I'm living this life, like maybe in like 10 years if I'm, a few years or whenever I'm less relevant, I'll do it.
And I just think that day was like, let me inquire. Like, I don't care.
Right. Literally that next because that next morning I called my back surgeon who connected me with a surgeon that does bariatric surgery.
And what is bariatric surgery? Yes. So bariatric surgery is like a term of It's weight loss surgery but there's different types Okay And Okay And Okay And Okay And Okay And Okay And And And And And And And And

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And does bariatric surgery. And what is bariatric surgery? Yes.
So bariatric surgery is like a term of it's weight loss surgery, but there's different types. Okay.
And what I would see, what I feel like is most common and what I would see on TikTok, the only one I would see mostly was the sleeve, the gastric sleeve. Right.
Which is the only thing I was looking at because I was just seeing, oh, the recovery is easy. It's not that big a deal.
And maybe I'll do that. When I called my surgeon, I thought it was interesting because, well, who became my surgeon? He said, I explained the binge eating.
I explained everything I was going through. And he's like, you can't do the sleeve.
And I'm like, why? That's the only thing I would do. I guess I'm not doing this then.
And he was like, basically, the sleeve is where they cut out 80% of your stomach. It's like a pretty quick surgery compared to some of the other ones.
And if you a binge eater an emotional eater if you eat a lot and you continue that behavior um even though it's harder because your stomach's smaller it's a real thing it's not a myth that you could stretch your stomach back so i have a few people that did this leave and that's what happened to them right so they're like not even a lot of people go back and have to get a revision surgery or something else or go on ozempic or of those things after because it didn't work for them. And he was like, this isn't going to work for you.
And I was like, why would I do something that he's telling me isn't going to work? So it's like, what's the alternative? There's also the bypass. So again, this is all under bariatric surgery.
What he told me is that there was a brand, a new surgery, a newer surgery, which is what I did. And what everyone online, of course, at this point, everyone's like, okay, well, she did one of the shots or she did the sleeve or something.
Like no one guessed this because it's not a known thing. So it's called SADI, which is a very long name, but it's like the acronym is SADI, which I would say is a mix of both of those surgeries.
They cut out 80% of the stomach. They move around the intestines.
I also was, you know, got with my health issues, got ended up having a fatty liver. So they actually had to like hold up the liver during that too, because it could be dangerous.
And why even talking about this would I think that the recovery would be so simple is insane. But I was told that.
How was the recovery? I brutal the the worst thing of my life like I I did the surgery he did tell me and and it's most I can't blame him because it's what most people I had a rarer situation I just reacted differently that's the point like this is my journey everyone reacts differently differently to everything. Right.
And I did the surgery. He said I would be out of the hospital in a day and that in five days I could travel and like go back to my work schedule.
I couldn't leave the hospital. I couldn't swallow water.
I was like projectile vomiting. Like, I was just like, they don't let you leave if you can't drink water.
I was so sick. I was in recovery for hours after like in the recovery room.
But then that went on for six weeks. Stop.
No, like it was hell. That's literally hell.
And again, he said this wasn't normal. So that was actually making me feel worse at the same time.
I'm like, something's wrong. I should have never done this.
Like I literally ruined my body, like ruined everything. I was home I started like I mean I went home and was with my parents like ended up going I tried being home in my apartment when I was with my boyfriend at the time so he was you know trying to be as supportive as he could be um but I ended up going and living with my parents because they were concerned and like I I was non-stop throwing up I could not eat and this went on so long that I got in like a very scary like deep depression um I did not want to live anymore like I would literally just like stare at the wall all day and be sick like it was just horrifying and I think at that time I yeah I had a lot of regret I was like oh my god I've been this person for this I've been this person that people like looked up to online for this whole time of like I won't say body positive because that wasn't me right but I always said if I was uncomfortable in my body or struggling I was very open that I was struggling right but I was this person that was like but be confident in whatever you look like and And I still do believe that.
And I believe that anyone can. If you are in a bigger body, you could be happy.
You could be healthy. No one could tell you're unhealthy unless you only know your health.
And I have so many friends that are. I actually was so jealous of those people and like wanted to get there.
And I couldn't because my journey was different. And I was in pain.
I was struggling with health. And this is what I felt I needed to do.
I think that's, first of all, it's very brave that you're sharing that and I think what I can sense from you and what I know from our conversations is you are so much happier now but I know that's also a slew of other things that you've worked on. It's not just the physical part.
There was a lot internal. And still, every day I'm working on myself.
And there's days I give myself pep talks. I'm like, nope, it's going to be a good day.
Like, it's, you know, it's all about the mindset. Do you feel like now, because it's been over a year.
Over a year, yeah. Do you feel like now you're in a good place, not just body-wise sure aesthetically like are you like damn I love myself and but internally are you like damn I fucking love myself I think I'm getting there okay I think that do and I've been like so nervous to say this of how to say it the right way but I'm going to be completely honest like I think I'm I still have struggles I think we're all going to have struggles in whatever body or whatever point we're in in our life in our life have those things since the surgery in terms of the health issues that I explained which is why I did it I did it for my health um have those things improved and gotten better my My blood work is 100% normal.

It hasn't been in probably five years.

That's great.

I will always, I have genetically a bad back.

Knock on wood, I have not been in bed with a bad back since.

My knees don't hurt anymore.

I don't sweat the way I used to.

I fully got my periods back to normal.

Like so many things are, I have more energy than ever. But the things that you can't see and that's what I think.
Right. People on social media.
Yeah. Sort of forget.
Like, yes, you might see this happy go lucky girl while I'm filming this content. But internally, for a lack of a better term, you're sort of killing yourself because you're not prioritizing your health so your internal health I was like deteriorating in every way and it wasn't just physical health it was my mental health my physical health my emotional I was like completely lost myself I would look I would not look at myself in the mirror like for over a year like I would literally like try and look at like maybe just the glam I got in just my face.
I would not connect my face with my body. Like I completely just disconnected myself.
So yes, since then, I've fully been working on like trying to reconnect myself. Like I look very different.
I also could not control the amount of weight that I lost. I did not want to.
I'll be completely honest. I'm probably the only person that's ever gone into a weight loss surgery.
But like, how do I make sure I don't lose too much and I stay curvy? Like he was like, no, like after the fact. And I was like, I literally like have called him and been like, what can I do to stop the weight loss? Like, I didn't want to get to this point.
I wanted to still be able to be healthy, but curvy. I loved my curves.
I always have. I feel like the negatives, I guess, are a little bit of like, I've definitely lost a little bit of my identity in myself.
But then I think when did I even have that? Because I wasn't big enough at a point to be plus size when I became online. Then when I became plus size, I was too big to do stuff.
Like I became too big to even do stuff with these fashion brands and designers because then I was too big. Like people were giving me all these names and titles of what I was, what I wasn't.
You're not body positive. This, this.
Now I'm too skinny. I'm like, I just don't.
It's exhausting. It's exhausting.
It's exhausting. Like which avenue are you? It's exhausting.
And I think the point is we have to stop labeling people and either just enjoy them through your phones or don't's like to me, it's that simple.

I have friends that have done the sleeve, which I said.

And when they lost us, like when they got to the most weight they can lose, they didn't recognize themselves because they have identified so much as a bigger person before.

That's the point of what you said before.

How the hell was I supposed to share my thoughts that I'm still figuring out with everyone

I'm still figuring out right with everyone else because then when you say something as an influencer a content creator someone with a following people look at it as like they're gonna listen to you I know it's a lot of responsibility it's a lot of responsibility and I don't want to be a person that's a weight loss surgery advocate because like what if it does what if they have this bad recovery? Like I want to be so open that I had a horrible recovery, but that I do feel better now. Right.
I want to share both sides to it. I think that's important.
I'm still processing all of it. It took me a while.
I mean, I lost over 100. I probably over 140 pounds in less than a year.
I don't even know I didn't even realize right so I always say to people because my journey I always say there's not a one-size-fits-all yeah because I've tried everything under the sun um I used to binge eat it was horrible and I get that guilt you binge eat it feels so good in the moment. And then as soon as you're done, you're crying and the shame and the guilt.
And then the next day, for some reason, you sort of do it again. I used to have that same situation.
I didn't go to the Overeaters Anonymous and stuff like that. I don't really know what I did therapy, but it's a horrible feeling.

I've gotten control through my workouts.

Like that's how I work, but everyone's different and there's no one's.

And I also don't want to be like, oh, you have to do this workout.

It's not that easy.

It's taken me.

I've been working out for like 10 years, but it's baby steps.

I like it took me a very long time to get to where I am and And people forget that. And all of the work that it takes from within though, because your brain is a muscle, you have to retrain that to even love yourself to look at yourself.
And I tell one of my girlfriends and I, she works with me. We were both bigger.
And now that we're smaller, we're both like, but we're athletic smaller. We'll always joke and be like, I was so much more confident when I was fat and chubby.
And like now in a bathing suit, I'm like, oh, do you see this? And like, it's nuts. You'll always have some sort of, you'll always feel a certain way about yourself.
I think that's normal and everyone does. But it's crazy that we're so mean to ourselves.
But I think so much of it is society constantly nitpicking you. And whether it's you said when you're thinner how dare you get so thin but when you're bigger they call you all these names they shame you and it's like that's when you sort of just have to throw your hands up in the air and be like that's what I did do you feel like you owed it to people to tell them that you lost weight when you were going through that journey? It's weird.
There was definitely, there wasn't TikTok or anything like that. And I feel like TikTok and Twitter was, it was like new Twitter and newer Instagram.
So people didn't have the balls that they do now, I would say. Like now it's a different level of people feeling like they have their right to attack people.
But people definitely would make their assumptions. And I mean, I would work out.
But they always were like, you're not the same person anymore. You're not funny.
We liked the fat Chloe. Always saying, well, that's not nice either.
But always as if I let so many people down and that's why I relate to what you're saying so much but you just have to worry about not letting yourself down and if you feel like you're doing the right thing and I think sharing your journey at the right time is the responsible thing and if you want to share it, like also fuck all you people,

because I will say that when I did share how I lost the weight, people were like, that's not true. Tell us how you really did it.
And I don't know what you want me to do. Like people tell this day or like you only film that you're in the gym for the five minutes I'm filming and then you leave I'm like what like

I also have muscles like you can't get muscles by not earning them yeah like but yes I could be you know really thin and I don't care what people are though I don't care if you're thin athletic bigger doesn't matter to me but I'm not the one judging people and telling them how do you do it and then when they answer me

I say oh you're lying

so when i was asked and told my story it was never good enough and i'm only saying that to maybe i don't want to say warn you but just prepare you yes that no matter what even though you're admitting i did a weight loss surgery it wasn't ideal but i feel great now they're gonna be like you still let us down you let or is that all you did what else did you do like I tell everyone I got my nose done and people are like and I go I would tell you if someone wants to I want to know what other people do so they'll go to their doctor like I was thinking there I was thinking this before about you and how in when I was younger in middle school and high school like you were who I would I never followed like influencers or like I always followed you and saw like appreciated you but for me I'm I was like thinking back I'm like it's definitely because a piece of it not all it. I felt like I related to you and your personality and who you were and being funny.
And like, but you were curvier and I was and I grew up that way. So I was like, oh, wow, I have someone to relate to.
The difference is that I feel is I never once you lost the weight or once you changed your appearance or anything, it never made me angry. It never made me be like, how dare she? And I don't like her anymore.
I never felt that. I was trying to really think before, did I feel that way ever? No, I think you feel a little bit of like, damn, I wish I could maybe do that or maybe I could get to that point or something, which is fine.
And that's why I said those messages I understand. But everyone has their own journey.
How are you going to be so harsh on someone for that? And why would I look at you as a completely different person just because you changed your body? I've never felt that way. And for me, I feel the same.
If you care to, and everyone's on their own journey, if you care to be on that weight loss health journey, then great. Maybe it will inspire and motivate someone.
But if some people just aren't there yet mentally, then they will use that as, you know, it's going to be weaponized against you as opposed to encouraging someone and motivating them. So it's really just where that person's at because that's why people talk shit.
Just because either they can't either they don't want to get it together or they don't care to figure that part out for them and that's okay too it's even just from a health aspect so many people are afraid to check out what's going on internally yeah and they think it's just an aesthetic thing and a lot of people won't go to doctors won't go to dent. It could be as surface as going to the eye doctor.
People are afraid of that information.

That makes me think I was also very defensive when I was bigger and I would say happier than I was when I started getting in pain and got to a certain point.

Like there was a point that I was like happy.

Sometimes I definitely was struggling a little, but I would get defensive because I wasn't ready or I wasn't there. And I actually was like, no, you could be bigger and be happy.
And I still believe that. Yes, I do too.
When you feel a certain point and if you have to do something for you, like why can't you do that? And I also have so many girlfriends that are bigger and they're totally healthy. Yes.
And they work out, but they're just a bigger shaped person and they're beautiful and all these things. So I'm not, I don't think anything has to do with the aesthetic on the outside.
I am an advocate for the internal of it all. Like I believe in doctors and getting tested and seeing your blood levels.
And if that's all good and you're bigger and you love your life live on right and I think if I did because I like people don't want to believe it but like I really love always loved my curves I think that's why I feel a little bit of like a loss of identity because I'm like oh my god where's my ass like I always loved my ass right on so like I I I miss that and if I could have gotten to that point I tried I tried for years I wanted to it just got to another another level for me I think what infuriates me the most is my son Tatum I had him through surrogate yeah and people always say oh because you didn't want to mess up your body and And I'm like, no, it's so not that vain of a reason.

I literally was not able to carry him.

And I would have loved to, but I wasn't able to.

And my doctor, even I remember I had the appointment on my show.

This goes back to the video you posted.

She said on camera, she's a fucking medical practitioner. You think she's going to like lie for a TV show?

No.

And she even said how high risk I would be be she doesn't advise me carrying my own child people do people care to remember that no so i still hear that narrative so again keep reposting your video if you want but people will only retain what they care to retain that fits their narrative in their head it's not about you anymore yeah and so you just have to keep living your truth and just know that you're doing the right thing and you're working on your happiness every day yeah because we all are you're not the only one so don't feel like god i've done all this and i'm still not fully happy every day that's really normal especially with how much you expose yourself to yeah because i think it'd be really easy to live in a bubble and ignore everything and be like okay I'm happy because I'm only surrounded by yeah this insulated group but you're choosing to do something that's very vulnerable and you're putting yourself out there and I think that it's not talked about as much or people don't know too that there also is like insane life changes you have to make if you choose to do a surgery so I I've I used to see people say like there's a lot of work into it I'm like what like no there is like uh those are I'm struggling every day with just acclimating to my new life like there's like rules that you have to follow or you could get very sick so I you know you have to I have to eat over like 120 grams of protein a day do i do that every day absolutely not that's um work yeah i try to do that for muscle building and i'm like how the heck it's hard to do this um you're supposed to drink like so much water every day i i don't hit what i'm supposed to do i have to take about 20 vitamins a day for the rest of my life because your body's not absorbing from food and things the same amount of nutrients. But there's a lot of everyday issues that I'm dealing with.
But I did try and think, are those issues, are those struggles like worth it compared to what I was dealing with before the binging and all of that I do feel like right now they are I feel like I am happier overall and I can learn to acclimate to those changes even though they're still difficult the reason I've been so careful and nervous to talk about this is it is a newer surgery and I don't know next year what's what's gonna happen yeah In three years and five years so I just don't know but I think that's why you're smart by saying this is my experience I want to be honest with what I did but you're not saying for everyone to go out and do that you're expressing what your experience is highs and lows yeah um I have a question which do you notice something I thought was really i forget her name the housewife girl in salt lake city heather heather heather gay yeah she's been really vocal about using ozempic she sort of had the similar experience people are like oh you're you're a sellout blah blah blah i'm paraphrasing but basically she said but how people treat me now it's so different like in a good way like there there is that group like so and that's also the fucked up thing about society people want to say oh we want you bigger we want you bigger but then when like how I was treated in the fashion world before how I was treated when I did photo shoots my sisters I was the backup dancer right basically and no one that it like I was all the way in the back I would have racks of clothes maybe I'm not exaggerating six to eight pieces because they didn't have my size and I wasn't that big of a girl but my sisters would have racks and racks like the everyone we were treated so differently and it was so obvious like no one was sugarcoating it back then and when she said that publicly I was like oh my gosh I get it like I feel the same way and now even when I'm invited to things or people would not even look me in my eye they would meet my sisters and be like hi and I would be I'm like I and I had I had a lot of sass then so I'd be like fucking look me in my eye if you're gonna shake my hand like I would not let them slide but the difference in how I was treated versus now I think that's also why I get so turned off from a lot of these events and I'm like I'm not going on your red carpet yeah you didn't invite me before you were such a fucking dick to me before or I remember what you said about me like people don't words hurt and they leave scars so I'm like I remember all that shit yeah but my long comment of that is do do you feel the similar way it's wild yeah it's wild and it I have used this and my this my learning all this is like a sociology experiment I'm like people are so interesting like not just the people saying the negative things it's the people saying the positive things it's the way that like they're like you look so happy and I'm like because I lost weight like what does that mean I'm just like very interested in what everyone's thoughts are and And yeah, I've never I mean, even for years not getting attention for a while from men. Yeah.
And now getting lots of it. Yeah.
I with the fashion brands, I mean, all I did was make and is I care about fashion inclusivity no matter what size I am. And I still will when I'm working on lines, I just came out with a line that goes up to a 6x I'm not going to change my stance just because of how my body looks and even with that the amount of brands that or or designers that invite me now but that didn't invite me before I'm like you I remember everything so I'm like I'm good thank you though yeah you know beef yeah remember right I'll never forget.
And I do, I do think it's really, really interesting the way people treat people based on how they look. It's fucked up.
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I think sometimes I would be like, but why do you like me now? Just because I look better because I'm still the same me. And if you would have cared to talk to me before, You would have noticed that about me But I get we We eat with our eyes

I get we we eat with our eyes we I get it so I do but it at the beginning it definitely bothered me that yeah these men were only talking to me because I knew I looked better aesthetically yeah I think I learned a lot in this past year just that unfortunately that is going along with like society like I think that is the way it is and a lot of people base things off of appearance I don't ever want to be end up or be with someone that doesn't know me for me and is going to change their opinion on me and their love for me based on what I look like I think I didn't know that at the time I've told you before, I mean, I had a lot of people know that I had my first relationship at, I started dating him at 27. And that was during all of everything.
I feel like people don't know the timeline of why. And I think that makes, that would make more sense for why it's taken me so long to talk about everything from me getting the surgery to then going into that super deep depression and then right like the moment that was even over I was still kind of going through that my boyfriend at the time broke up with me so I think in the beginning I acted like everything was fine and you know wasn't going to be like yeah I'm actually currently in binge eating treatment all this stuff you know and then as time went on and I also was still struggling and I was gaining weight I probably gained about 40 pounds in that relationship which was my first relationship it was a little under two years and I don't want I call it love weight because you do you get comfortable with someone you like to lay in bed and binge a little bit a lot right you know like it was like I agree yeah it was like, I agree.
Yeah, I do. And I noticed that after.
I'm like, I feel like a lot of that's happened to a lot of people. But I think that like thinking back on it, it's interesting.
Like, yes, now it's been like a year since we broke up. And I'm not trying to like talk about a breakup or the actual situation but I never spoke what I realized in the more in the past few months I started getting like I'm not sad anymore I've moved on I'm angry I have a lot of anger in me that I would love to eventually get rid of um and I think that's because I think about I feel very bad for that girl that was going through all of this and I really really thought that I was like loved.
And this was like the closest person to me for I thought I was loved for me being me. And I realize now being outside of that, which you don't really realize some things when you're in a relationship, that that was not the case for me.
And I do think it's important to bring up for anyone else that maybe is in a similar situation. Like, I want to clear up that what I see online, what I've seen that has bothered me is revenge body, your breakup weight loss, like, oh, wow, it took you a breakup.
Oh, like this was for him. That's all I see.
Oh. And I'm like...
That's annoying. Absolutely not, though.
If it was true, I would say it was true. Who cares if some people like get the motivation in that way? Great.
Like you're focused on yourself. Yeah, you're going to do that.
For me, that absolutely didn't happen. And I do feel like I need to clear that up because I did this surgery and I did all of this for myself.
And because at the end of the day, I felt I need to do it for my health. I remember the day that I talked about when I decided I was going to do it.
And that next day, I sat my boyfriend at the time down. And I said, I just want to let you know I'm doing this surgery.
I need to address things that are bothering me with my health and my weight and told him what I was doing. I didn't ask.
And he didn't say anything. And I was like, are you sure you have nothing to say? And he's like, I don't want to say the wrong thing.
So I'm like,'s fine I then started this journey you're supposed to also like be on a very specific diet kind of before the surgery which I wouldn't especially because it could be dangerous um I don't I couldn't can't say I did that amazing like amazingly like I was definitely more in like a binge phase like well this is the last time I could eat all these things I get that and I And I guess he was watching me do that and, you know, there during that time. But he knew I was going to doctors, preparing for the surgery, had the date, all of this.
And it was around, this was all around the time that I was like struggling the most. And I remember it was like right after my sister's wedding, which was in November.
And I was getting the surgery December 11th. That was definitely my lowest and my lowest point mentally, but also physically.
And I'm not dumb. And I knew that there was a little bit of like, I mean, we weren't having sex.
I think the amount that I would think that people in a relationship do. Again, this was my first relationship.
So that definitely changed a little over time. And I kept asking, like I kept being like, or like I kept saying things and it would be like, your back hurts or kind of blaming me or like, or I'm tired or whatever it was.
Yes, definitely gaslighting. Until finally after the wedding, I was like, what am I doing? Like, I'm not stupid and I feel something's off.
So I'm going to say it again. And I was like, I remember we were at my were at my apartment and I was like what something's off I feel like you don't want to touch me I feel like like something's off and he's like no you're crazy like no and I'm like I just I just don't think that's true out of nowhere he was like I'm full of shit you're right I have not been sexually attracted to you for a while since you gained weight.
And I literally like in that moment was just like, oh, my God, like he's literally everyone else online. My parents all as much as I love my parents, like all of these people that I felt felt a certain way about me because of my body.
But I was like, this person doesn't like he. But and he knew that you're about to do this surgery right like that's what makes me angry like you knew what I was going through you knew I was actively I get it like that's I think that goes back to parents and stuff too like when they see someone maybe hurting or they think someone's hurting or struggling like you're gonna say something and maybe you say the wrong thing if you're not to if you know if you know I've had issues with my parents because of that and they said the wrong thing.
And I said, this is my life and I need to deal with it on my own. He chose to not say anything when I gave him the opportunity to for a good month or so.
And then just like threw on me like, yeah, like I do feel this way because of what you look like. Like you told me the opposite though.
You You told me you didn't. And I just felt very in that moment.
I was like betrayed. I'm like, you're like everyone else on the Internet.
Get the fuck out of my apartment. Like I was literally like never talk to me again.
Like I was like screaming. I was literally like I just couldn't believe that what I thought maybe would be true.
No, there's no way like was true. Right.
That was in November. We broke up for like a week.
But he was like, you know, changing the narrative a little bit. Like, I want to be with you until I'm 90.
So we could play pickleball. We don't fucking play pickleball.
So we could play pickleball and and have a healthy, happy life together. So then I started changing that narrative a little to the close friends I told to and being like, well, maybe it's not about my body.
Maybe health yeah to my parents and they were like well maybe he just wants the best for you you know but that led into we got back together it wasn't like a public breakup or anything that was just like between us right and I remember I sat him down I was like I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get this out of my head but I'm gonna try because I was so in love and wanted the support during that time and I sat him down I was like was like trying to really explain what I never explained. Like I have an eating disorder.
I have I have this issue. Like I gained this weight because of this, this and this.
And he's like, but, you know, gaining 40 pounds isn't normal, right? Like this isn't normal. And I'm like, I know it's not normal.
And I think that's the misconception. People also think an eating disorder only goes one way.
Right. It goes the other way as well.
Yeah well yeah probably he was like but how like you're full of shit you're just eating stop eating you know like when I did that eating disorder treatment center was with people with anorexia bulimia all different sizes and binge eating like it's a lot of overlap people don't realize that right um and you know we got back together I tried to pretend it was And it actually was, it was me being the one a little like more cautious and him being so in the relationship. Um, he would say things though, like during that time of like you, um, I can't wait for you to lose the weight so we could actually like, I could throw you around in bed.
We could actually have fun. You know, things that I just am like looking back you know like even telling me like and this was before the knowing

about the surgery like don't eat the rice on that or this or this and I'm just like now being out of

it and thinking of all of it I'm like I feel like I really let myself down and also let like other

people and maybe that's part of the reason I shut down online too like I was just like

I completely let myself down too and other people of like I'm supposed to be this like girl that's like taking no shit and being like never let yourself you know like I let this like man make me I can't ever blame someone for how I feel about myself but I really lost all my confidence in that situation I think somebody else did not great things to you and it affected you. And that's completely normal.
And it happens to everybody. And somebody that says it doesn't, they're full of shit.
I know that I've been in relationships and the way I've been treated by that person, it, yes, I should walk around and be like, well, fuck you. And I don't deserve that.
But it's not that easy. And you do let that affect you.
And you become almost like a shell of yourself. And I think that sometimes.
Well I know. Sometimes you have to be like.
Knocked the fuck out. Basically for you to wake up.
And something really bad. Because for me at least.
I agree. I had a lot of red flags and they were I was colorblind and I didn't see any of them and things would happen and I would be like you just sort of either ignore them you go through life you make an excuse like you said and then something really bad has to happen at least for me that I had to wake up and be like Okay, that wasn't what it really was.
It was something I was trying to create in this fantasy that I wanted to live because that's what I wanted, but I don't want it at this cost. And I think that's what you were doing.
And anyone that says they haven't done that in their life, they're lying. And especially that that's your first relationship, it's so much harder to learn something the first time I've had hundreds of not hundreds but I've had tons of relationships and still I'm learning with everyone and more so because we do change and we evolve and we learn new boundaries that we want to set and sometimes we feel guilty for setting them and we can't feel that way and I think what happened to you and that experience is really horrible.
But I think so much greatness is going to come out of you from that experience. And that's why the anger you have now, there's different stages of grieving.
And that's what you're doing. And you went through whatever stages first, the sad, the, and sometimes you, you even have like these fond memories, like that's a stage.
You're like're like I miss you like you're totally for that person and it's not even the person you yearn for that comfortability that connection that you had but then you're like snap out of it like now that I've been starting to date and stuff too which I never did in my life I am I hate that I have one thing to compare to but I'll go back and be like well I liked about that relationship. And then I'm like, but now I'm romanticizing something that also maybe wasn't maybe wasn't what it was.
I think just I think I get like a little mad at myself that I'm like, why am I still in this stage of any sort of breakup? Like I should be over it. But I think the point is everyone has has all different journeys in general.
And I think especially with breakups, like I am over that person, but I'm angry that I let myself deal with those things in a relationship and felt betrayed by that person. And I respect that, but I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.
I think you need to be a little kinder to you because you're out of it. So many people don't get out of bad situations.
So especially with, it's lame, but it's around the holidays. Like I know that's a lame excuse, but like normally people are like, oh, it's the holidays.
You romance. Then like you're like, oh, then it's New Year's.
Then it's Valentine's Day. Like it's stupid.
But those things, people pay attention to that stuff. So I think even the holidays, feeling isolated, going through what you were going through, all of those things, feeling probably the weakest version of yourself emotionally, and you still made one of the strongest decisions is just to put yourself first.
That's something you need to commend yourself for. And having something to say to people now, if people want to have something to take away from you, they should take away that strength and away like yeah no I went through this experience but I don't want anyone to settle for that regardless of your size your age and I will say the first relationship anyone's in sometimes you're a teenager sometimes you're 27 that's the hardest one to get over yeah at least that's how like me and my friends are been told.
Yes. I remember my first love still.
And I'm like, that was not love. Right.
But you're romanticizing. It's this fantasy.
So I think, you know, this is you're still in that grieving stage and it can take years. And I think no matter what my ex-husband, I still we haven't been married in over 10 years and I'll still remember things from that marriage and I'm like I want that again in a different person but I think it's also okay to cherry pick things from different relationships and be like I want that even friendships but I love how I'm friends with this person or I like how that person talks to me or treats me I think all those things are totally okay to And you should, as long as you can say it without the anger or the sadness, I think that's the step you have to get over just saying it like matter of factly, but not in any hurry.
You go through that when you go through it. In terms of relationships with you, since you've been in the public eye for so long, like, do you feel in that same way with asked about your body like do you feel that with relationships like when that ended with Lamar like that you owed people answers or like I'm trying to navigate like what am I gonna do next I probably will I don't think I can't say I don't know but I don't think I will put my relationship out there in the way I did because then I feel like people feel like you owe them answers totally and I think definitely with every well I know with every relationship I've become more guarded publicly but I know with Lamar it was anything I was so in love and it was so public and so all over the place I didn't have a care in the world and then when it

was when I was going through my divorce not that I felt the need to answer publicly like on a social platform because it just was it wasn't the same as it is now yeah people weren't as like transparent online too yeah it was like photos on Instagram more and that was totally and there was like not really a caption yeah just it was like a Pinterest page yeah um which I love but um so I would explain myself on my show because I feel like that's my job too and with Tristan I feel the same way I felt like I would never give um you know people do like statements and like they post it with their publicist I've never been that person but that's because I have a platform like my tv show right and you're like I'll do this there right so I do that there but moving forward I would never unless I'm like in a really serious relationship I wouldn't have some like I wouldn't back in the day would date someone and have the cameras follow me yeah Yeah. Because it was just a different time.
I would never do that now.

And I'm not even sure how much I would want them on the show, per se.

Not that I want to be secretive.

I just think that we all deserve a little piece of privacy.

And for me, that's that.

But I would still maybe have pictures of them here or there.

I would still have them on my show a little bit because I think that's also, I don't want to be withholding anything.

But what you're saying is a difference of secret and private. Like that is a difference.
Yes. You're not being secretive.
You're not hiding someone like but like no matter what if you are you're allowed to have privacy. Yes.
There's just levels to it. But you have to teach people how to treat you.
And people will learn once you teach them that. So whatever you allow, that's what they're going to have to accept.
And you're going to have to get over the guilt of, am I letting them down? Am I not giving them enough? I mean, social media is definitely a gift and a curse. And you don't want to fall into that quicksand.
I have another question for you just in terms of like relationship like were you and did you have like a very angry stage where then how do you let that anger go not for that person but for you oh my god was I in an angry stage it's weird now that so much time has passed with Lamar like I sort of forget exactly my anger stage but I know I had one yeah but because Tristan is more recent I mean I did not talk to Tristan for a long time now I'm like remembering you screaming on TV so was that after Lamar was that the I'm sure both oh the liar yeah yeah the liar was after Tristan I'm like like, oh, wait, so you were angry. No, I was so angry.
But I was like not, I did not handle it well. Angry.
Liar. That was, yes.
But I've been angry for both parties. But Tristan, I was definitely angrier, probably on camera.
Like Lamar stuff, I felt like I had like more alone time with that but um you just work through it but I remember I mean sadly Tristan's mom passed away but we weren't talking until his mom did pass away and so it made me be like oh there's bigger things happening. And I knew eventually I would move on because we had kids together I think when you don't have kids with someone you can hold on to that anger more right because you don't have to talk to them so it's easier but um I'm the type of person the only way to get through your feelings is to literally go through the feelings yeah so you have to live them I don't like when people are like it's been six months get over it or it's been years i'm not gonna be over till i fucking want to be over it and if you want to be angry but i'm someone like i would write a lot i like to write just for myself not for anybody and that's therapy for me i will be a fucking beast in the gym because i will box and i will do whatever and envision whomever I need to envision that I'm kicking their ass like those things are my therapy yeah and everyone's different you might need to go to like a real therapist and talk it out but whatever the case may be but I think all those feelings are fine I'm not someone that needs to talk to that other person for closure yeah because I'm well I've learned that you're not going to get that.
You're not going to get it. You have to give that to yourself.
It's probably going to anger you more. Yeah.
Because people just say what, like, to protect themselves or they like to manipulate the story. And so I don't like, like, we need to have a face-to-face.
I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Because that will rile me up.
But yeah, I think all of that's really normal, but I will say, and my mom tells me there is like this cooling off period and that can take years. It could take months, but I would say give it between two to three years.
I'm serious. That's normally when I'm like, okay, I can look at you again no it sucks but the first year don't even think about not being angry yeah and if you're not angry in the first year maybe that relationship just didn't really matter to you that much right which is fine yeah but I think it's really normal to be a fucking brutal beast for a few years are you still very angry no no I just think that that was part of me wanting to the body stuff specifically like that's what I just feel like I needed it's hurtful I started realizing it really delayed what I was taking and way after the breakup and I I felt like it was it's been like living inside of me and I needed to talk like I need to say it out loud and I do feel like all of this and why I wanted to talk about it will actually be just a relief on me like I feel like it's kind of been all of this has been like eating me alive inside a little bit so for me my dad when I was 19 and for some reason I could not talk about him like for years after.
And I remember I was filming either season one or season two of Keeping Up. And one of the producers sat me down and was like, you're going to talk about this in interview.
And I was so angry. And I answered and I was like tears streaming down my face.
And it's I don't know what I was so angry about. Like it was, you know, he passed away.
It was a horrible situation, but it was years later. And I just never would speak about it.
And after I did that interview and after it aired, like after I remember after I left the interview, I felt so exhausted. And I was like, fuck, that took everything out of me.
And I was, I think, maybe a little bit angrierrier and then when it aired it was almost like right it was taken away from me and I can talk about my dad obviously my dad dad is 19 I'm 40 now but I could talk about him all day long I never get sad I actually love talking about him it makes me so happy but I will say that interview and I'll never forget as much as I hated it then I'll never forget how much it helped me work through my grief yeah and my anger and sometimes you do like you might have to talk about it and as much as you're trying to set your boundaries for your privacy and what you deserve maybe this is what needs to happen to almost close that chapter I think so so you can then say, OK, I'm doing this because it's eating me alive. And I feel like in a way that your community deserves that you're following.
But then respectfully, you do want to have these guardrails and boundaries for your life. And that's OK.
And then there's like no more guilt because you've now you're starting the new version of you already in a private way yeah I feel like I've had this pause on myself of like I don't know what to post I don't know what to say I don't know what to do until this is out there and I always knew that I would put not just the relationship stuff the surgery that everything I knew would be put out there I didn't know that it would affect me this much and I didn't know by not talking about it and I think it's just the person I am like I still need to be somewhat of an open person that's how I am and I don't want that it would affect me this much. And I didn't know by not talking about it.
And I think it's just the person I am. Like I still need to be somewhat of an open person.
That's how I am. And I don't want to feel like I'm living and walking on eggshells.
And I do have a lot to say. And I do have a lot to share while still keeping those boundaries.
So I do. And I'm hoping that this like releases some of that a little bit.
I think it will. And I think moving forward, you can talk about if you want to, like, I'm not feeling great today.
I'm about myself and people will relate to that. I think you're also going to be exposed to maybe a different community of people that are going through similar things as you because you're not the only one.
And if you can be like that beacon of light for people, not to put, you know, a heavy responsibility on you, but more in a positive way. I think that's a beautiful thing.
Well, thank you. Thank you for having this

conversation with me. I feel like I do feel like trust in a safe space with you.
I think it's the

who you give off as a person. And I'm very grateful that I could have this conversation.

That makes me happy, Remy. Thank you.