#744 - RON WHITE

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Get over Tony Hitchcliffe.

Speaker 9 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 13 And how about one more time for the best damn band in all of the land, the Kill Tony band?

Speaker 15 Rahu, Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anaches Belgrande.

Speaker 12 How about a hand for the great Sean Greenberg all the way to the end playing guitar?

Speaker 18 One of the best in the world, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Marcus King is joining us.

Speaker 16 His brand new album, Darling Blue, available everywhere.

Speaker 9 Literally, one of the best in the world.

Speaker 21 He just plays with us sometimes because not only is he a great musician, he has a great fucking sense of humor, too.

Speaker 27 He's not like a fucking one of these woke musicians out there just trying to pander to whatever.

Speaker 31 This motherfucker is going to win Grammys and he's going to do it laughing all the way.

Speaker 12 The great John Dees on the keys, as always.

Speaker 9 The man that puts it all together.

Speaker 33 The backbone.

Speaker 35 The blackbone, if you will.

Speaker 13 And right here, live in the flesh.

Speaker 37 Truly the one and the only, the great and the powerful.

Speaker 27 That is deep madness right there.

Speaker 11 Holy shit.

Speaker 39 What a show we have for you.

Speaker 41 It is a very, very special night.

Speaker 43 You're going to find out more about that in a second.

Speaker 46 Right now, let's find out more from the amazing sponsors sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 11 Dashing through the store, Dave's looking for a gift. One you can't ignore, but not the socks he picks.

Speaker 40 I know, I'm putting them back.

Speaker 11 Hey, Dave, here's a tip.

Speaker 48 Put scratchers on your list.

Speaker 49 Oh, scratchers, good idea.

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Speaker 51 Thanks, random singing people.

Speaker 11 So be like Dave this holiday and give the gift of play. Scratchers from the California lottery.
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Speaker 53 Please play responsibly.

Speaker 54 Must be 18 years or older to purchase play or claim.

Speaker 55 A KFC tale in the pursuit of flavor.

Speaker 56 The holidays were tricky for the Colonel. He loved people, but he also loved peace and quiet.

Speaker 55 So he cooked up KFC's $4.99 Chicken Pot Pie. Warm, flaky, with savory sauce and vegetables.
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Speaker 57 Prices and participation may may vary while supplies last, taxes, tips, and fees extra.

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Speaker 23 Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Speaker 19 Well, well, well, it is truly a special one indeed because Red Band and I are celebrating five years of living in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 61 My, how the time has flown.

Speaker 64 Just a couple LA boys were living the dream, had the comedy store by the fucking balls.

Speaker 67 We were running the joint.

Speaker 37 We could have done anything we wanted.

Speaker 66 And instead, we took a chance on a crazy little fucking hip rock and roll awesome ass fucking city.

Speaker 58 And it all happened because of tonight's guest.

Speaker 65 Now, a lot of people get it twisted.

Speaker 73 They think, oh, shit,

Speaker 73 you know, this guy owns a, he owns a comedy club, so it must be this guy.

Speaker 74 But the person that actually started this gangster shit wasn't Joe Rogan.

Speaker 42 Joe Rogan was convinced to move here by one of the wisest fucking sage comedians of all time.

Speaker 78 He's been basically everybody's favorite comedian since we were 12, 13, whatever, you name it.

Speaker 80 And he really started the Austin comedy scene.

Speaker 19 He was here first and he hangs out with us every fucking week.

Speaker 5 He's truly the man on top of being one of the greatest comedians of all time.

Speaker 64 There's only one guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen. It is the undeniable GOAT, Ron White.

Speaker 64 ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 63 make some fucking noise

Speaker 63 for the silver goat

Speaker 29 Ron White, ladies and gentlemen, the fucking

Speaker 46 the ambassador of Austin, the silver King, the Baron of

Speaker 40 what?

Speaker 70 I thought it was Baron of

Speaker 87 Welcome, Ron White.

Speaker 60 Thank you very much.

Speaker 88 Thank you very much. Good to see you.
Everybody, Marcus, goddamn, right?

Speaker 88 The man.

Speaker 88 Light up your face. You walk in our room, see Marcus King.

Speaker 90 The whole fans rocking and rolling as usual. Fun, hang.
Good to be here.

Speaker 22 We're so happy to have you.

Speaker 31 Ron was a pivotal person in the show's wild success.

Speaker 26 When we moved to Austin, Ron would step in and be a guest on the show anytime we needed him.

Speaker 26 He was the bridge of us coming out of the LA pandemic, doing episodes in front of an empty main room at the comedy store. I mean, we were just, it was unlistenable, the show, because of lockdowns.

Speaker 26 There was nobody in the room.

Speaker 29 We had people doing minute-long sets in an empty fucking room.

Speaker 26 And we had to pretend like it wasn't the most depressing thing ever.

Speaker 87 And we had to try to guess whether it was really funny or not it was psychotic

Speaker 26 they were sitting over on the side it was all insane the whole thing was crazy and we came here and we fucking started doing real live shows in front of live audiences again and it was a great era and Ron was there for us every step of the way and so thank you Ron and welcome let's have some

Speaker 88 you know

Speaker 88 I was a fan of the show back in in LA and the first time I saw it I thought thought, yeah, this kid is onto something, you know?

Speaker 88 I mean, it just, it was such an interesting format, and I just kind of believed in it. And I really promoted Tony coming down here because he's fun to hang out with.

Speaker 63 So I'm like,

Speaker 88 put a full court press on Tony.

Speaker 63 We were having a lot of fancy

Speaker 90 different.

Speaker 102 And he showed me around, showed me all the music places, the bars, all the chaos.

Speaker 103 And

Speaker 67 we've been doing Kill Tony absolutely forever.

Speaker 105 So you know how it works, Ron.

Speaker 106 Over 300 innocent souls are packed into a bar next door.

Speaker 23 If I pull their name out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 58 You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 23 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 109 I'm gonna let this.

Speaker 93 I'm gonna let this fucking poor pale vitamin D

Speaker 111 kneading fucking

Speaker 100 ghost still

Speaker 27 has some of his Halloween makeup on, it appears.

Speaker 43 Pull the first name and while we go wrangle that comedian, I'm going to bring up a man who famously is not a golden ticket winner he's not a regular he is his own special thing everybody has a different path I used to bring this guy on stage because he started stand-up and I thought he was fun to drink with and smoke with and have late nights with and he was not that great at stand-up when he started but he was so funny off stage that I kept giving him spots he famously gets better and better almost every single time we see him ladies and gentlemen this is the long-awaited return a brand new minute kicking off the show from Uncle Laser, everybody.

Speaker 43 Hey,

Speaker 113 my parents are divorced, if you couldn't tell.

Speaker 113 And if your parents are divorced, I really don't fucking trust you, to be honest. If you ain't never been dropped off in a Walmart parking lot on Christmas Eve in the back, right?

Speaker 113 Like a hostage negotiation situation where your mama got to flick the light at your daddy's car because they don't want to see each other in person just to go to your second Christmas, you don't know trauma.

Speaker 113 If you ain't ever seen your daddy pull your mama out of the bar for drinking too much, they get in a domestic dispute, put the clothes on the ground, you got to lie to the cops about who started the fight.

Speaker 113 You don't know loyalty.

Speaker 113 Listen, my mom and daddy split when I was nine. All right.
My daddy is a straight-laced, God-fearing Christian. He goes to work tired.
He comes home sore. Well, mama, well, she's retarded.

Speaker 113 You see, my mom fucked all of Metallica in the 80s.

Speaker 113 She's built for tough.

Speaker 117 You know, tough, huh?

Speaker 113 She actually had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got this haircut.

Speaker 113 And I remember the first day they split.

Speaker 114 I remember when it happened.

Speaker 113 We was driving on I-10.

Speaker 115 My mama got us lost.

Speaker 113 My daddy's arguing with her. My mom ain't much arguing.
She wants to punch real quick, right?

Speaker 113 And I got so scared that I swallowed a bunch of fucking lifesavers and I started choking to maybe bring them together as a team, you know, to maybe salvage their marriage.

Speaker 113 They divorced three weeks later.

Speaker 53 My name's Uncle Laser. Y'all been great.

Speaker 33 Thank God.

Speaker 111 Uncle Laser.

Speaker 111 Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started tonight.

Speaker 28 Not an easy spot being the cold opener.

Speaker 26 And here you are, working beats, talking about your real life, talking about your parents.

Speaker 47 Are you still...

Speaker 97 I know your mom. Your mom's mom.

Speaker 113 She'll try and kiss you.

Speaker 79 Your mom loves me, boy.

Speaker 121 Oh, does his mom love me letty spaghetti you had to you had to pull her off of me at parking hey fucking you know let him get dressed you know

Speaker 82 yeah he's like come on mom you're embarrassing me and she's like come on let me do what i want that's where he gets his voice from yeah it's not from his dad it's from his mom how many packs of cigarettes you think she smokes a day

Speaker 113 well yeah Enough.

Speaker 83 You get the picture, everybody.

Speaker 37 If he's doing math over there, that tells the whole story.

Speaker 113 She worked at Frito-Lay lay for 30 years oh that's why she's uh that little dusty when she breastfed me it tastes like cheeto puffs you know what i'm saying so that's why

Speaker 93 uncle laser tell us about your life what's going on anything crazy you want to hear some

Speaker 29 i mean i just asked for it

Speaker 113 I beat the fuck out of this boy after my show one night in Phoenix, and I want to tell you about it.

Speaker 129 Ooh, let's talk about it.

Speaker 113 So, before I go any further, you might send me, and listen, if you got titties and you want me to to sign them, I'll sign them. There's no sweat off my back.

Speaker 53 There's no sweat off my back.

Speaker 131 I love it.

Speaker 21 Red band, you want him to sign your tits?

Speaker 96 Not again.

Speaker 17 Uh-uh.

Speaker 113 But the other day, I posted a real me signing this really attractive girl's titties, and I don't mind that. There's no sweat off my brow.

Speaker 113 But she said, hey, I want to go to the after-party with you after the show. This is the fifth show I've done.
It was in Phoenix at the House of Comedy. And I was like, let me go get my check.

Speaker 113 And when I come back, they're at the bar, and there's a guy in a wife beater, and he's calling her like a bitch, a

Speaker 113 slut, and a whore, like loud.

Speaker 101 because you signed her.

Speaker 18 No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 113 And I thought, I was like, was that her boyfriend? And so I asked her friends, is that her boyfriend?

Speaker 113 She goes, no, it's some rando that came up and tried to buy her a drink and she didn't want the drink. And so he's calling that.
I go, well, hey, fuck you, motherfucker.

Speaker 113 I said, you can't talk to a fucking woman like that. And he goes, what are you going to do about it? I go, I'll bite your nose off.

Speaker 133 You could reach his nose without a stool?

Speaker 134 Okay.

Speaker 2 We're the same height.

Speaker 117 No, we're not.

Speaker 13 You just have a no, we're not.

Speaker 37 Don't make me fucking stand up right now.

Speaker 13 No, Michael, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 36 We are not the same. You better take it back.

Speaker 113 All right, I'm a half inch shorter, dude. I'm sorry, dude.

Speaker 137 Half an inch.

Speaker 113 But old boys started getting loud and they separated us. And old girl's like, hey, let's just go.
Like, you already performed here. You got your check.
You don't know me. Let's go.

Speaker 113 And so me and her and her friends, we walked out to her car. Well, we get almost to her car and they hear, hey, motherfucker, I'll fucking kill you.
And he's like running up to us.

Speaker 113 And he barrels over those girls, like her friends, to get to me. When I just popped him.
But when I say I popped him, I completely fucking missed.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 113 Like, I'm talking, like, you ever try to punch somebody in a dream and you're just

Speaker 113 when I missed, he grabbed my legs. Well, I wrestled and I do the 10th plane and shit.
So, like, I like fucking fish nose that motherfucker up in here. And I use his weight and I mounted him.

Speaker 113 Now, when I mounted him, I put my elbow in his throat. And I was like, look, motherfucker.

Speaker 31 Wow.

Speaker 113 I could kill you. I could kill you, but I don't want to do that.
I want to go try to fuck this girl and you're fucking this up by screaming and hollering dumb shit.

Speaker 113 I said, look, and I punched him twice on the ground. That was for me from missing the first time.

Speaker 2 And I like, I like, listen, motherfucker.

Speaker 60 I was like, I can kill you now, boy.

Speaker 113 I said, but I want you to get up. I want you to say sorry.
I want you to get in your fucking car. Now, listen, Tony, I've been in enough fights in my life.
Got my ass beat enough.

Speaker 113 When you give up, you can feel it. When a man gives up, he just lets go.
And he let go and he looked up at me. I swear to God.
He goes, I'm really sorry, man.

Speaker 113 You had a great fucking set tonight.

Speaker 6 Oh, shit.

Speaker 113 And I fucked that girl till the morning time. I've been fucked like that since grade school, since father-friendly hands and the boys taught me about colossalism.

Speaker 53 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 14 Like, wow.

Speaker 53 Chivalry ain't dead, motherfucker.

Speaker 140 Look at that.

Speaker 129 Wow. Ron White, what do you think about all this?

Speaker 63 You know,

Speaker 143 I never really got you, you know.

Speaker 6 I didn't.

Speaker 88 But to see you really turning into a comic, man, and talking about your life and getting laughs and setting up and punches, punches like you know that's really fucking encouraging man i think that's great

Speaker 60 it really is so congratulations

Speaker 113 move forward man that's great that's all we can that's all all of us gonna do move forward five years ago he was the second show i ever did the second like literally i swear to god yeah yeah seemed like it

Speaker 135 But I was telling people on the road this

Speaker 101 weekend in the car when we were in Salt Lake City, I was telling them Uncle Lazer took the ball and ran with it.

Speaker 98 He took the ticket draws that he could, went to every city, headlined the small comedy clubs, went back to those city, got the medium comedy clubs, and now you're doing the big comedy.

Speaker 94 You're just doing it, man.

Speaker 25 That's how you do it.

Speaker 76 So keep doing it.

Speaker 21 Uncle Lazar got the show started tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 146 And now

Speaker 5 we move to the bread and butter of the show, the bucket, where we meet people, sometimes for the very first time.

Speaker 79 Anything can happen. They can embarrass themselves and it can end up terrible.

Speaker 37 They can literally make it out of this bucket.

Speaker 79 Last week, we crowned a brand new regular who you're gonna meet later on in this show.

Speaker 79 So he's gonna be rich for the rest of his life.

Speaker 27 That's what can happen on this show.

Speaker 43 So, 60 seconds uninterrupted, and then an interview going to your first bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 59 It is Cameron Illig, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 83 Cameron Illig.

Speaker 135 Oh, man.

Speaker 153 I want kids.

Speaker 154 I mean my own.

Speaker 52 I want my own kids.

Speaker 154 I want my own. I don't want to just go look around for them.

Speaker 154 I want my own kids. I want a son.
I want a son. I just don't want to have one of those sons that takes his pants all the way down at the urinal.

Speaker 154 Like that's my biggest fear. Every man in here has been sexually harassed by a six-year-old at some point at the urinal.
Because you'll be at the urinal. You'll be right there.
Stanst up midstream.

Speaker 154 Some kid comes up next to you, gets completely naked.

Speaker 154 And now you're three feet away from a felony.

Speaker 154 Just all of a sudden, you're midstream. You can't stop.
You have a bad prostate. You're stuck.

Speaker 154 And then, if someone else comes into the bathroom, you got to be like, I do not know that fucking kid.

Speaker 56 I swear to God.

Speaker 154 He came on to me. Look what he's wearing.
You know, like.

Speaker 154 And then you have to explain why your pants are down also. And it just gets...

Speaker 154 Just got never learned, you know.

Speaker 154 That's why me, personally, I'm all for only stall men's restrooms. I am.
Only stalls. That way you get your own private kid.

Speaker 155 You know, like, that's...

Speaker 154 That's what I want. All right, thanks, guys.

Speaker 21 Cameron Illick.

Speaker 136 We know you, Cam.

Speaker 94 You moved here with your friend Cam Patterson.

Speaker 45 Yeah,

Speaker 158 keeps following me.

Speaker 71 He's what?

Speaker 154 Name keeps following me around.

Speaker 78 Yeah, yeah, you guys were the two Cams.

Speaker 122 One is now a star, and here you are.

Speaker 133 Signing up talking about basically molesting children in private bathroom stalls.

Speaker 112 He's on Saturday Night Live, and you're literally talking about little kids' penises.

Speaker 160 I am.

Speaker 61 It's perfect.

Speaker 123 You're amazing.

Speaker 112 You're adorable.

Speaker 133 You look like one of Santa's elves tonight.

Speaker 125 It's absolutely an adorable red and green flannel you have.

Speaker 86 Welcome back, Cameron.

Speaker 162 Good to be here.

Speaker 93 How's Stand Up been going for you?

Speaker 68 How long you been doing it now?

Speaker 154 Four years.

Speaker 163 Four years.

Speaker 106 So tell us, how's it going?

Speaker 101 You're here in Austin.

Speaker 164 I think I gave it the college try.

Speaker 154 I think this is my graduation. I'm done.

Speaker 165 You failed.

Speaker 154 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 125 How's life? What do you do?

Speaker 157 What do you do for work, Cameron?

Speaker 154 Now I just work from home, remote sales.

Speaker 36 There's a guy that totally was positive you worked in remote sales from home. He's so excited about it.

Speaker 126 He couldn't control himself.

Speaker 109 That guy's head just fucking exploded in the middle of the room.

Speaker 61 For those of you watching or perhaps just listening to the podcast, it is unbelievable.

Speaker 11 He goes, oh, I fucking knew it.

Speaker 17 His head exploded.

Speaker 135 There's people covered in blood in row 15, mid-50, row 15.

Speaker 26 Cameron, why do you think it is that people, when they see you, are positive that you work in remote sales from home?

Speaker 154 I figured I have permanent door-to-door sales face, like solar panels. I almost did a minute about solar panels, but not remote sales.
You know, know, I think I have the face for in-person.

Speaker 58 How long have you been selling remotes?

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 135 What are you selling remotely?

Speaker 107 Just software.

Speaker 106 Some bullshit. Wow, it gets even worse.

Speaker 124 Just gets more

Speaker 124 boring.

Speaker 106 I was hoping it was like, you know, powerful dildos or something like that, but no, it's just software.

Speaker 24 Craziest thing that's happened to you while on a sales call?

Speaker 154 I mentioned 9-11 on accident.

Speaker 128 Ooh, tell us about that.

Speaker 154 No, I didn't mention 9-11. He said, so the deal's going on at 9-11, and then I laughed.

Speaker 123 And

Speaker 154 he said, 9-11's the closed date. And I went, yeah.

Speaker 154 That's the craziest thing. It doesn't go crazy.

Speaker 125 Cameron, what's your love life like right now?

Speaker 106 You seem to be a good-looking guy that seems to have a little bit of a serial killer vibe to him.

Speaker 105 Tell us,

Speaker 106 how's your love life going?

Speaker 154 I don't have one right now.

Speaker 127 Really?

Speaker 130 Yeah, just chilling.

Speaker 101 What's the last date you you went on?

Speaker 172 What was that like?

Speaker 154 I just got out of a relationship, so that's

Speaker 50 a date.

Speaker 42 A while ago.

Speaker 40 What's a while to you?

Speaker 52 Like five months. Okay.

Speaker 101 How long was that relationship?

Speaker 127 Like a year and a half.

Speaker 89 And why did it end?

Speaker 173 No reason.

Speaker 155 Just amicable.

Speaker 89 Did you kill her?

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 69 What do you mean, no reason?

Speaker 24 A year and a half long relationship, there kind of has to be a reason.

Speaker 154 We went on a trip in a caravan and I just ditched the caravan in a ditch somewhere.

Speaker 174 You ditched her on vacation?

Speaker 168 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Okay, where was this vacation at?

Speaker 101 Where did you go on this caravan vacation?

Speaker 154 No, it was just a thing. It was a...

Speaker 126 It's getting more suspicious with every answer.

Speaker 49 Brian Laundry, dude.

Speaker 52 He killed his girlfriend or something.

Speaker 31 Okay. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 44 You're making a joke about that?

Speaker 169 Yes.

Speaker 175 Okay, so why did the relationship really end?

Speaker 154 It really ended for no reason. It was amicable.

Speaker 154 And then I stabbed her 10 times times in the back.

Speaker 176 All right, Cameron,

Speaker 34 Cameron.

Speaker 24 So, you haven't been on a date since this relationship ended?

Speaker 75 No,

Speaker 177 why not?

Speaker 60 I don't know.

Speaker 101 You're clearly not focused on your material and performing.

Speaker 136 Like, what are you doing in lieu of being in love?

Speaker 154 I just don't do the dating apps. I don't like the hinge.
I don't like that.

Speaker 179 So, what are you waiting?

Speaker 98 Like, how are you going to meet somebody?

Speaker 123 Huh?

Speaker 63 After that wild pitch for love

Speaker 119 supermarket, I imagine.

Speaker 120 Ron, what do you think about this young buck?

Speaker 108 What do you think?

Speaker 143 I don't, you know,

Speaker 143 so four years of doing sets.

Speaker 88 And I know that was a brand new minute, and you have to do that when you come out here, right? So that's all brand new stuff.

Speaker 127 Hell yeah.

Speaker 110 It was horrible.

Speaker 88 It wasn't horrible, but you know,

Speaker 88 and I don't even know what kind of advice to give you, except for four years, it isn't very much. You know, for you're still very, very new in the business.

Speaker 88 So, you know, I don't think I'd give up denying. You know, I think you got some potential.

Speaker 67 Thanks. It's true.

Speaker 101 Coming out with Cam could get in your head a little bit, you know, watching his wild success, but he's just a different type of beast.

Speaker 179 Does that ever affect you, knowing that you came out with a guy that literally completely made it?

Speaker 133 The exact same time span that you could have?

Speaker 154 No, I can only be more. I can't be more proud.

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 101 You guys are still friends?

Speaker 130 We're still friends, yeah.

Speaker 104 You talk to him, you communicate with him. Yeah.

Speaker 172 Does he text you back?

Speaker 181 He calls me.

Speaker 60 Whoa.

Speaker 181 Yeah, yeah, FaceTime. Wow.

Speaker 108 Look at that.

Speaker 177 That's your biggest credit right now, Cameron.

Speaker 46 FaceTime with Cam Patterson.

Speaker 157 Yeah.

Speaker 101 Fun times.

Speaker 92 You already have a big joke book, right?

Speaker 71 Is it filled up?

Speaker 90 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 101 Okay, here's another one. There you go.

Speaker 112 Cameron Illig, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 Thank you.

Speaker 33 Boom.

Speaker 9 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 174 Cameron.

Speaker 140 Could have pulled a glass of water out of the...

Speaker 9 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 166 There she is, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 176 The one and only...

Speaker 178 How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Speaker 43 Her new podcast, Love on the Line, comes out on Tuesdays.

Speaker 27 HeidiRegina.com.

Speaker 75 I think she may be signing some posters after the show in the lobby so you can meet the actual Heidi.

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Speaker 46 Your next comedian is one of my favorite door here at the mothership.

Speaker 13 I'm so happy he got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 37 A very funny man.

Speaker 151 Make some fucking noise for the one and only Fuzzy, everybody.

Speaker 14 Here comes Fuzzy.

Speaker 127 Yeah, I wasn't supposed to be here, but the last comics had 9-11 three times, so.

Speaker 38 I am from Pakistan.

Speaker 127 It's tough, bro. Middle Eastern men get no pussy.

Speaker 127 This is true. There was a study done.

Speaker 127 Middle Eastern men get the least pussy in America.

Speaker 127 There was a study done. A guy followed me around with the clipboard for a few days.

Speaker 2 This kid's got no motion.

Speaker 127 That's why I'm pro-arranged marriage.

Speaker 127 That shit works. The problem is the game has changed.
Back in the day, it was simple.

Speaker 127 All you needed was a goat.

Speaker 127 That seems like a bad deal, right? Who would do that? A goat for a beautiful new Muslim bride? What a bad trade. But put yourself in the groom's perspective.

Speaker 20 He's just meeting this woman.

Speaker 127 He's been fucking that goat for years, dude.

Speaker 31 Wow.

Speaker 9 Absolutely perfect. That's how it's done.

Speaker 60 Puzzy, working beats on the room.

Speaker 131 Bing, bang, boom. Left, left, right.

Speaker 135 Hitting all the punches, unlike Uncle Laser after a show in Phoenix.

Speaker 37 Absolutely nailing it.

Speaker 183 Welcome, Fuzzy. One of my favorite door guys, one of my favorite faces to see.

Speaker 127 Thank you, Tony. It's good to see you.

Speaker 28 Me and Fuzzy love each other.

Speaker 155 We have a hell of a relationship.

Speaker 145 We really do.

Speaker 79 We really do. We really do.
You're my favorite.

Speaker 101 Well, you're my second favorite Middle Easterner.

Speaker 24 Is this on Middle Eastern?

Speaker 37 Probably technicality, but Indian?

Speaker 127 He's like faking it.

Speaker 125 Yeah, it's all the same.

Speaker 149 You guys could both play in a movie about Saddam Hussein or something.

Speaker 66 Fuzzy, how's life going?

Speaker 127 Life's amazing, Tony. I feel great.
I feel like a million bucks.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 106 Amazing.

Speaker 185 You look like 20 bucks.

Speaker 127 Well, 20 never hurt nobody?

Speaker 17 That's right.

Speaker 82 That's right, Fuzz.

Speaker 125 So tell us about life.

Speaker 127 what are you up to what's your living situation tell the people what it's like you've been in austin for how long almost five years and you came from wisconsin and here you are oh great we got some alcoholic retards in here that's awesome yeah perfect go pack guys yeah some cheese eating chuds in here that's what we got so tell us about your uh your life fuzz life's amazing i've got a 330 square foot studio on the east side east 5th street i'm the king of that little two-block radius right there i say everything the light touches, that's Tony.

Speaker 127 He's the king. Oh, in that little two blocks on East Fifth, you don't want to go there.

Speaker 35 That's your hood.

Speaker 127 I'm the fucking king over there.

Speaker 115 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 171 How far east is it?

Speaker 157 Pretty, it's far.

Speaker 128 Is it the Middle East?

Speaker 39 It's about the Middle East.

Speaker 54 It's far.

Speaker 56 It's over there.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 169 I love it, Fuzz.

Speaker 44 Tell us about your neighborhood.

Speaker 97 What do you love about your neighborhood?

Speaker 145 Coffee shops. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 133 Coffee shops.

Speaker 60 Yes. Whole foods.
Ooh.

Speaker 49 Target. Let's go.

Speaker 127 Sexy women.

Speaker 60 Ooh. Yeah.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 127 Keeps you in check.

Speaker 40 Absolutely.

Speaker 115 Having hot girls around.

Speaker 175 What do you like to do when you see a sexy woman?

Speaker 52 You are so sexy.

Speaker 127 You are most beautiful princess.

Speaker 164 Is this the same place that you talked about last time you were on the show?

Speaker 96 Or like you, you had this whole thing about where you lived, and it was like really horrible.

Speaker 52 Oh, no, yeah, thank God.

Speaker 145 I'm not you moved.

Speaker 127 Yeah, I moved. There was a lot of Mexicans over there.

Speaker 184 Whoa, whoa, took care of them.

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 184 Wow.

Speaker 39 Wow.

Speaker 137 I love racism.

Speaker 128 Amazing.

Speaker 42 What is it about the Mexicans that you don't like, Fuzzy?

Speaker 127 I do like Mexicans. I just don't like living around them.

Speaker 181 You know what? That's fair.

Speaker 97 I think everyone here could agree with that.

Speaker 109 Even the Mexicans, I see.

Speaker 183 Michael agrees completely. He wants to live near the whites.

Speaker 128 I love it. So this new neighborhood,

Speaker 98 is it a lot of whites, blacks?

Speaker 87 What are we talking about?

Speaker 113 It's a lot of whites. Wow.

Speaker 54 It's a lot of whites. Yeah.

Speaker 131 Yeah, we love that.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Whole foods is just cool.

Speaker 127 Oh, it's fucking awesome, dude. I go there.
I steal food all the time from that.

Speaker 61 What type of food do you steal?

Speaker 133 Mashed potatoes.

Speaker 61 What's your process?

Speaker 17 So, teach these people how to steal from Whole Foods.

Speaker 127 So, it's easy, dude. This is all you got to do.
You got to walk in there.

Speaker 17 Don't go straight to the hot bar.

Speaker 87 You got to throw them off your trail.

Speaker 40 Throw them off your trail.

Speaker 127 Yeah. Exactly.
You go to the deli, you don't get anything.

Speaker 163 Fuck that.

Speaker 127 It's Whole Foods. It's expensive as fuck.
You know? So you go to the deli, then you make a few more rounds.

Speaker 107 You go, oh, I guess I could use some paper towels.

Speaker 127 You get one extra thing.

Speaker 127 You get one extra thing. And then you go to the hot bar, you load it up, and you load it all up onto the right side.
So here's the box, right?

Speaker 117 Yeah. So there's a box.

Speaker 127 Yeah. And you put it all on the right side of that fucking thing.
Yeah. And then when you go and weigh it,

Speaker 117 you kind of, oh, shit.

Speaker 17 Oh, shit.

Speaker 39 Kind of.

Speaker 185 Oh,

Speaker 3 my God.

Speaker 127 Yeah, and you teeter it off to the side.

Speaker 117 Oh, my God.

Speaker 127 And it's like, so there's no weight on the actual sensor. It comes out to like $2 every time.
It's like $20 worth of food.

Speaker 132 Unbelievable.

Speaker 60 Unbelievable. Yeah.

Speaker 127 So I'm stealing from the hot bar.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 74 100% Pakistani, 50% Jewish.

Speaker 53 It's amazing.

Speaker 125 He's going to Whole Foods and paying half price.

Speaker 94 This kid is unbelievable.

Speaker 123 All mashed potatoes.

Speaker 150 All mashed potatoes.

Speaker 99 You're on a mashed potato diet right now.

Speaker 46 Was this recommended by a doctor or something?

Speaker 27 Is he telling you you need more mashed potatoes?

Speaker 115 I just love them, man.

Speaker 94 You love mashed potatoes.

Speaker 127 They used to actually, at this old grocery store in my hometown, Wisconsin, they called me the mashed potato man.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 184 Me too.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 127 Yeah, because I would go and I would go to the hot bar, kind of do the same operation. I've been pulling this trick for years.

Speaker 155 Oh, it doesn't matter if it's Whole Foods or anywhere.

Speaker 115 Fuck them.

Speaker 174 And

Speaker 127 my roommate was the dairy manager at this grocery store.

Speaker 127 So I would go in there, I'd get hot mashed potatoes every day, but he's always in the back by the milk, you know, like the fucking true white guy. Yep.
And

Speaker 127 one day he's out in the front of the store and I'm getting mashed potatoes. And I go, oh, yo, what's up, Zach? And his co-worker goes to him and goes, you know the mashed potato man?

Speaker 63 Wow.

Speaker 123 And he goes, I fucking live with him. That's my roommate.
Wow.

Speaker 58 That is amazing.

Speaker 75 Now, do you ever do instant mashed potatoes out of the box?

Speaker 46 Do you ever make your own or are you just straight up stealing pre-made mashed potatoes?

Speaker 127 I'm always trying to get the fucking hot food mashed potatoes if I can, but if I'm real down bad, I'll do instant.

Speaker 115 I've never made them.

Speaker 96 I didn't even know you could. Skin on?

Speaker 152 There's a way to do it.

Speaker 41 Let's go to our chief instant mashed potato correspondent, Brian Redband, here, who can tell by his everything, has been surviving off of box mashed potatoes for decades.

Speaker 96 Do you like it skin on? Do you like it chunky? What kind of mashed potatoes do you like?

Speaker 124 Great question.

Speaker 127 That is a very good question.

Speaker 94 Do you mix butter in with your mashed potatoes?

Speaker 46 Are you a sour cream and bacon bits guy?

Speaker 69 What are we talking about? Chives?

Speaker 127 No bacon, no bacon.

Speaker 140 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no bacon.

Speaker 127 Can you guys believe I got this fat without eating bacon? Come on. Now,

Speaker 44 we're gonna check in with our chief bacon correspondent, Brian Redbank.

Speaker 96 Where he's from, Cow is a God, right? So you can't eat the bacon.

Speaker 40 Is that why?

Speaker 64 I think Brian has it confused.

Speaker 48 With a little confusion, that's okay.

Speaker 127 Can we get a Sanamat up?

Speaker 16 Yeah, let's please not.

Speaker 66 He's not our chief global culture correspondent.

Speaker 83 He's just in charge of bacon and mashed potatoes.

Speaker 81 Gets a little tricky.

Speaker 93 But how do you like your perfect mashed potatoes?

Speaker 133 This is the longest interview about mashed potatoes in the history of the show.

Speaker 27 It's a record setting.

Speaker 127 If I'm at a nice place, nice steakhouse, put some fucking skin on that bitch.

Speaker 185 Whoa.

Speaker 127 Put some fucking red fucking skin. Can you say that anymore?

Speaker 127 Put some Washington football team mashed potatoes.

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 39 Absolutely.

Speaker 39 Hell yeah.

Speaker 9 Fuzzy, you're absolutely fucking killing it. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show, but you just got booked on a real show.

Speaker 15 There's a real joke book.

Speaker 131 Ron.

Speaker 11 Hey, you got anything?

Speaker 60 You want me to?

Speaker 134 Can I say one thing?

Speaker 138 Yeah, Ron White.

Speaker 88 One of the fun things about working in this club is you get to watch these guys come and mature and grow as comics. And you're doing a fucking great job.

Speaker 88 And I'd like, I've got the 7 o'clock show tomorrow. You want to come do it with me? I'd love to, Ron.

Speaker 40 Whoa!

Speaker 9 Opening the fat man of the mothership tomorrow night.

Speaker 12 You just watched a young man book two spots on a Tuesday and a Thursday from trying to sign up on a Monday here in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 11 I love you, Austin!

Speaker 152 There's people saying that if you want to make it, there's idiots in LA and New York like, yeah, it's just trans jokes in Austin.

Speaker 12 It's like, that's nine minutes on mashed potatoes right there.

Speaker 92 These people are so full of shit.

Speaker 19 A bunch of conspiracy theories about Austin.

Speaker 41 We're like, tell us more about mashed potatoes.

Speaker 79 Anyway.

Speaker 97 I mean, mashed potatoes kind of are the trans potatoes, if you think about it.

Speaker 178 Like, they started as one thing and ended up being all mushy.

Speaker 46 Anyway, sometimes there's bacon, sometimes there's sour cream.

Speaker 60 Okey-doky.

Speaker 18 All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull.

Speaker 34 Looks like it could be a familiar name.

Speaker 151 Let's see what happens.

Speaker 182 Make some noise for Jesse Vasquez, everybody.

Speaker 71 Jesse Vasquez.

Speaker 70 Jesse.

Speaker 188 What's going on, Kiltoni? What's going on? All right, I want to say something to bring the crowd together real quick. The stars at night are big and bright.

Speaker 188 All right, I appreciate it. That was a little weak, but I appreciate it, guys.
I feel like if Texas was a, if Texas needed an enema, we'd stick it in Houston.

Speaker 188 All right, what's going on, guys?

Speaker 188 I'm the guy that says, all right, all right, all right, a lot. I get told I have a crazy face.
I feel like I get told I look like I want to kill people a lot. And I feel like that comes in handy.

Speaker 188 That came in handy when I was in prison. Because I feel like the last thing you want to look like in prison is approachable.

Speaker 188 Okay, where are we going to go with this next one? All right, black people.

Speaker 39 All right.

Speaker 20 What do, what is,

Speaker 187 okay.

Speaker 188 I mean, it's going to get worse. What does a blind person and a black person have in common? They both never seen their father.

Speaker 188 Alright, why wasn't there any black people on Epstein Island?

Speaker 188 The carnival cruise line didn't stop there.

Speaker 44 And did I get the meow?

Speaker 145 Yes.

Speaker 49 I'm good, Tony.

Speaker 126 Jesse Vasquez is back.

Speaker 128 Welcome back, Jesse.

Speaker 21 How's it going, Jesse?

Speaker 82 How do you feel like that went?

Speaker 188 I'm going to say, okay, Tony.

Speaker 45 At 13 seconds, you

Speaker 45 started material.

Speaker 65 At 23 seconds, you said, okay, let's go.

Speaker 17 Good to be here.

Speaker 35 Something like that. You reset again.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 105 And then when all else failed at 45 seconds, you just did two quick racist jokes that barely really qualify as jokes, but they were something.

Speaker 97 How are they going at the open, Mike?

Speaker 94 You working out a lot?

Speaker 188 I'm trying to get better, Tony. Yes, sir.

Speaker 186 So, how often are you performing during the week?

Speaker 188 I've been trying to get up at least three, four times a week, Tony.

Speaker 101 You don't have to say my name for every answer.

Speaker 189 And you work the door.

Speaker 75 You're a door guy there, the Dizzy Rooster.

Speaker 97 Are you working tonight?

Speaker 188 I just got off work, yes, sir.

Speaker 85 Okay.

Speaker 119 All right.

Speaker 86 And remind, how long ago were you on the show?

Speaker 26 Seems recent.

Speaker 172 Last month, Tony? Okay.

Speaker 188 Fuck, I did it again.

Speaker 63 All right.

Speaker 101 And how has life changed for you since last month, Jesse?

Speaker 75 Tell us something crazy about your life, Jesse.

Speaker 24 You're on a live podcast right now.

Speaker 188 Well, I got recognized a couple of times when I've worked at ACL.

Speaker 188 And that's about it. It was pretty fun.
But like, mostly it's

Speaker 188 the nerves are gone, dude.

Speaker 27 You're less nervous now. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 188 I got booed by all you guys the last time I was up here

Speaker 188 10 seconds into my set. So that helped a lot.

Speaker 45 It's crazy to think that this set was a massive improvement from whatever happened last time.

Speaker 188 Yes, sir.

Speaker 26 This is amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 106 Let's check in with the king of Texas, the great Ron White.

Speaker 88 I would recommend

Speaker 88 that

Speaker 88 if you have 60 seconds, that you don't start off with a song

Speaker 88 because it looks like you're trying to kill time when you have no time to kill.

Speaker 63 Got it.

Speaker 88 Just come out and do the first joke, man. Just come out and do it.
And whether it sucks or not, you know, at least we don't have to sing that song.

Speaker 130 Yes, sir.

Speaker 88 there's no doubt no audience participation we don't feel like we were part of it so we but anyway I just just come out and do the jokes yes sir there's no doubt about it that's perfect advice anybody listening should absolutely take that advice there's only certain kind of people that want to almost settle down the crowd that can say how you doing Austin

Speaker 101 people that don't know you you know we did that this show's been going on for about 35 minutes now so you being like are you guys ready to party like we've already been doing it got it

Speaker 61 all right last time I'm guessing you got a little joke book yes sir well there you go go fill it up Jesse go fill it up we're gonna keep it moving along here short interview for Jesse

Speaker 83 four minute long interview for Jesse eight minutes on mashed potatoes for fuzzy that's how crazy this show is anything can happen if you seem absolutely boring you're going Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Quo.

Speaker 128 Let's talk about something every business owner knows too well. Missed calls.
That's like watching money fly out the window.

Speaker 118 And that's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, formerly Open Phone.

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Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a golden ticket winner here, ready to make a long-awaited return.

Speaker 80 Make some noise for a brand new minute from Colin Sledge, everybody.

Speaker 5 Make some noise for Colin.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 190 So I moved to Austin.

Speaker 127 I'm a little worried about fitting in, you know.

Speaker 190 I went to my first show and this guy in the green was going on like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape jokes.

Speaker 29 It was me.

Speaker 190 You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression.

Speaker 31 Unbelievable.

Speaker 17 Incredible.

Speaker 162 Who's ready for the best fucking blowjob of their lives?

Speaker 33 Phew.

Speaker 33 Sorry.

Speaker 123 Thank you.

Speaker 173 No, I owe Tony so much.

Speaker 190 I owe the show so much. Just, you know, best thing that ever happened to me.

Speaker 70 Thank you. Wait.

Speaker 190 Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard.

Speaker 138 All right.

Speaker 6 Colin Sledge.

Speaker 132 Indeed, a gay retard.

Speaker 166 Welcome, Colin.

Speaker 67 Hi, thank you.

Speaker 183 How are you? How's it going?

Speaker 119 I'm a little nervous, but I feel okay.

Speaker 98 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 47 You dressed up like this for this spot to do that Austin joke.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 107 You did fake tattoos and everything.

Speaker 17 Yes.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 124 That's amazing.

Speaker 173 Yeah, that's why I texted you earlier in the day.

Speaker 190 I was like, it's like, yeah, I got to figure out

Speaker 190 now because I have to put them on.

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 184 Incredible.

Speaker 112 The work that you put in for this set.

Speaker 67 Thank you.

Speaker 97 A phoned-in impression of me and

Speaker 91 fake tattoos.

Speaker 129 Good.

Speaker 173 And the chains.

Speaker 84 What?

Speaker 28 And the chains. Oh, and the vape pen, a shaky vape pen.

Speaker 159 Oh, he's coughing.

Speaker 61 Oh, shit.

Speaker 146 Sorry.

Speaker 190 Really? That's my girlfriend.

Speaker 173 I love it. I didn't know it hit that hard.

Speaker 75 You're doing a good job.

Speaker 25 How long have you been with your girlfriend, Colin?

Speaker 190 It was around the time I first got on the show, so like seven months.

Speaker 172 Okay. Yeah.
What does she do?

Speaker 190 She runs shows in Houston and hopefully in Austin soon. We're sort of.

Speaker 172 You're trying to get her.

Speaker 172 Did you move down here?

Speaker 107 Yes, we both moved down here.

Speaker 172 You both moved down here.

Speaker 149 So she has to go up to do shows in Houston.

Speaker 190 Well, well, yeah, she runs Sunday shows in Houston, so we'll go back on Sundays.

Speaker 149 You guys go together. Yeah.

Speaker 172 You make the drive. Do you stop at Bucky's every time you

Speaker 190 sometimes?

Speaker 98 What do you get from Bucky's, Colin?

Speaker 84 You drive by, you're able to drive by a Bucky's without just a quick stop or anything?

Speaker 67 Yeah,

Speaker 163 I'm not.

Speaker 180 Are you from Texas?

Speaker 93 Yeah. Born and raised.

Speaker 183 Yeah.

Speaker 98 And you just take it for granted.

Speaker 119 Yes, I do.

Speaker 132 See, we can't do that.

Speaker 68 We literally, if you're not, if you weren't born and raised here, you literally can't drive by it.

Speaker 35 No matter what time of the night, no matter what time of the day.

Speaker 117 You guys just drive by it, huh?

Speaker 173 We usually don't stop.

Speaker 77 It's crazy.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 171 This lady just married a new man because she was excited about all this talk about Bucky's.

Speaker 101 She just moved seats from one guy to another.

Speaker 101 She wants to get closer to a man that has the balls to drive by a Bucky's.

Speaker 189 What do you get when you go to Bucky's?

Speaker 190 I get the espresso beans, the chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Speaker 178 Wow, you really are a gay retard, Colin.

Speaker 157 The chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Speaker 27 My goodness, that's also my nickname for John D's, everybody.

Speaker 125 Chocolate-covered espresso beans.

Speaker 23 Chocolate on the outside, chocolate on the inside.

Speaker 26 If you could describe your love for chocolate-covered espresso beans,

Speaker 186 how would you describe it?

Speaker 119 Fleeting.

Speaker 173 Fleeting. Yeah.

Speaker 190 It's more just to stay awake.

Speaker 190 It's like $1 to stay awake.

Speaker 190 It's good.

Speaker 145 Wow. Unbelievable.

Speaker 167 D-Madness is literally going to take a nap right now.

Speaker 136 Ron White, you are the Baron of Bucky's.

Speaker 88 I popped into a Bucky's on Saturday night coming back from a niece's birthday party. Hell yeah.

Speaker 78 Let's go.

Speaker 67 What the hell does the king of Ron White get at a Bucky's?

Speaker 88 The brisket sandwich in Iran, I got to tell you.

Speaker 89 No doubt about it.

Speaker 78 Was that it? Just over Skitsander?

Speaker 88 The last time I went to Bucky's, I saw what's that kid's name that's on Kiltoni? Enrique.

Speaker 129 Bucky's.

Speaker 89 Oh, yeah. He was at the cash register when I went up there.

Speaker 142 Hey, what's up, Ron White?

Speaker 40 He did.

Speaker 45 Hey, I got a Briskin sandwich, dude.

Speaker 185 What do you want?

Speaker 142 A bottle of water or something, doodle?

Speaker 138 Come on, man.

Speaker 40 I'm a lesbian.

Speaker 142 I look like a lesbian.

Speaker 192 Everybody thinks I'm a lesbian, dude.

Speaker 150 Was he sweating? Do you remember?

Speaker 17 Was he sweating at Bucky's too?

Speaker 88 Just coming off of him like a waterfall.

Speaker 63 Crazy, just over a cash register.

Speaker 66 It is amazing.

Speaker 165 It is amazing. I call him a wet front.

Speaker 39 What's your order of Bucky's, Red Band?

Speaker 26 What do you get excited about?

Speaker 183 You're more of a sweets guy.

Speaker 96 No, no, actually,

Speaker 131 the Philly.

Speaker 102 Yeah, the Texas cheesesteak burrito.

Speaker 96 Cheesesteak burrito is my favorite, and also they're beef jerky.

Speaker 99 I love their unbelievable beef jerky there.

Speaker 101 Me, no joke, and I know this is on brand for Tony Hinchcliffe, but I love the hot nuts there at Bucky's.

Speaker 128 It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 165 I get a little baguette of every kind.

Speaker 84 I get a cashews, I get a pecans, the whole fucking thing, and I shove these fucking nuts in my mouth.

Speaker 100 Oh, God, I love it so much.

Speaker 101 It brings me so much joy.

Speaker 66 I'm really not a big nuts guy anywhere else, but Bucky's fucking a warm nuts.

Speaker 96 Definitely not a beaver nuts guy, huh?

Speaker 149 You talking about the beaver nuggets?

Speaker 128 That's your thing, right?

Speaker 102 I like beaver nuggets. You love beaver nuggets.

Speaker 101 Red Band eats a lot of sweets at night.

Speaker 83 He's on blood pressure medication, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 48 It's called blood pressure medication.

Speaker 41 It causes him to have a dry cough.

Speaker 40 It's one of the side effects.

Speaker 192 I finally figured out why I got this goddamn dry cough. Turns out someone told me it's a blood pressure medication.

Speaker 102 These are the talks we have in the green room before the show.

Speaker 72 A little behind the kill for you.

Speaker 133 Yikes.

Speaker 74 You're still here, dude. What the fuck's going on up here?

Speaker 24 What the fuck are you still doing here, Colin?

Speaker 109 Let's get them out of here.

Speaker 115 You should do what you were talking to me earlier about.

Speaker 127 What? You should do what you were talking to me.

Speaker 67 Oh, my, my.

Speaker 190 Oh, can someone bring me my pants, please?

Speaker 17 Uh-oh.

Speaker 183 You have a pants delivery coming here?

Speaker 94 Is this a planned thing, Colin?

Speaker 190 Yeah, there's a letter in my...

Speaker 131 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 166 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 190 My dad gave you a letter, a thank you note.

Speaker 97 Your dad wrote me a thank you note.

Speaker 177 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 71 All right.

Speaker 63 This is great live podcasting.

Speaker 90 I thought he wrote me one for a second.

Speaker 88 I'm like, what the fuck, dude?

Speaker 63 I don't even know your dad.

Speaker 26 It's a cat stepping on a piano, and it says, Dear Tony, thank you so much for the role you played in shaming Colin into getting his own place.

Speaker 26 Ten years ago, I built a garage guest house in the backyard for guests Colin moved into it the day it was completed and it's been there ever since parentheses 10 years exclamation point

Speaker 105 so I intend to have a guest stay there very soon exclamation point thank you again RM Sledge parentheses Colin's dad Parentheses come to Houston sometime and join me for homemade shrimp crab gumbo oh fuck yeah that sounds great that sounds amazing he's from louisiana oh

Speaker 140 fuck yeah oh god that sounds great

Speaker 9 i would love some louisiana shrimp crab gumbo thank you rm sludge for this amazing note and thank you colin another new minute congratulations a very experimental minute from colin sludge everybody that's what the golden ticket winners get to do they do good enough they get to sometimes just do localized jokes with fake tattoos.

Speaker 12 We found them all out of the bucket.

Speaker 37 Anything can happen.

Speaker 68 You guys guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 135 Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 59 They go by the name of Tomek Kolecki, everybody.

Speaker 182 Tomek Kolecki.

Speaker 51 Hi, hello, Austin, and hello, America. Hi, I'm Tomek Kowetki.
I'm from Poland. At the beginning, I have to tell you, I don't live in America.
I'm just a tourist.

Speaker 51 I arrived to this country one month ago. So sorry for my English.
Sometimes you're not going to understand me.

Speaker 51 sometimes I can mispronounce something, but you have to remember: I'm very funny in Polish, so please remember this in case of disaster, okay? So, a little bit about Poland.

Speaker 51 If you don't know where Poland is, it's between Germany and Russia. How peaceful, right? You know,

Speaker 51 imagine that you live in America between Detroit

Speaker 51 and Detroit, you know?

Speaker 55 Kind of like this, you know?

Speaker 51 Don't laugh, I don't have time.

Speaker 140 One more joke. joke.

Speaker 123 So

Speaker 51 how can I explain Poland to you guys? It's a European shithole.

Speaker 39 It really is, right?

Speaker 51 If I had to compare, imagine that Europe is like America and every country in Europe is like states in America, right? So in this scenario, Poland would be Oklahoma.

Speaker 56 Which is shithole.

Speaker 51 But at least we are not Louisiana, you know?

Speaker 148 Thank you very much.

Speaker 21 Wow, will you look at that, ladies and gentlemen? Most likely what I would call the set of the night so far going to Tomek Kolecki.

Speaker 13 Kowetski. Kowetzki.
It's very Polish.

Speaker 135 I know.

Speaker 194 Polish is a wild, wild language.

Speaker 66 It is.

Speaker 76 J's and Ys and things mean different things.

Speaker 51 I have letters in my last name that not even in your alphabet, so

Speaker 51 I understand.

Speaker 195 It's tough.

Speaker 103 Kowetski.

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 98 All right, so let's talk about it.

Speaker 69 You're born and raised in Poland?

Speaker 183 Yeah.

Speaker 101 And how long have you been in America?

Speaker 113 One month.

Speaker 67 One month? Hell yeah.

Speaker 69 And you have all these localized jokes and references all figured out already.

Speaker 51 I did my research, yeah.

Speaker 122 So you must destroy in Poland.

Speaker 86 Am I correct?

Speaker 127 Yeah, I try to.

Speaker 101 Are you one of the most popular comedians in Poland?

Speaker 51 I wouldn't say I'm in the top 10, but in the top 20.

Speaker 75 Okay, that's a good place to be between 10 and 20 in Poland.

Speaker 21 That's very good and very honest answer.

Speaker 111 I like that.

Speaker 115 You're not like Ari Maddie going, yes, I'm number one in Estonia I'm number one there is the number two is forever away you're very honest how many comedians metaphor Estonia is Delaware you know so

Speaker 181 Poland is

Speaker 17 Estonia is very small yeah and Ari really is the number one

Speaker 62 How many comedians are in Poland, though?

Speaker 96 Is there a big comedy community there?

Speaker 51 Yeah, there is. Like, obviously not as big as in America, but I guess like, I don't know, couple hundreds.

Speaker 51 yeah yeah so tell us more what did what surprised you about America when you got here a month ago oh yeah like crazy thing happened to me last week I went first time in America I went shooting right yeah

Speaker 51 but I was a little bit disappointed because they took me to shooting range not to school

Speaker 147 Whoa,

Speaker 181 you son of a man.

Speaker 51 I was hoping for the full American experience, you know, and

Speaker 51 we shoot guns safely, un-American, you know?

Speaker 138 Amazing.

Speaker 51 Un-American. To shoot guns safely, can you imagine?

Speaker 46 They shoot guns in Poland. You got guns in Poland, or is that so much?

Speaker 117 No.

Speaker 67 They got rid of them?

Speaker 51 Never existed.

Speaker 135 They never existed.

Speaker 133 Wow, no wonder Germany just treated you like a fucking retarded nephew, huh?

Speaker 17 We're taking over.

Speaker 51 You're done. Standing with the knives.

Speaker 80 Yeah, that doesn't work against tanks.

Speaker 28 Germany just took you over over like you're fucking Colin Sludge's dad's guesthouse.

Speaker 51 Yeah, and then Russia from another side, you know, it's pure bukake.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 133 You guys are getting shot every direction.

Speaker 13 Very tough history.

Speaker 99 Absolutely amazing.

Speaker 101 Now, how long ago did you start stand-up comedy in Poland?

Speaker 181 12 years ago.

Speaker 114 Perfect. Amazing.

Speaker 51 Yeah, I was 16 at the time.

Speaker 26 What made you want to start stand-up?

Speaker 101 Did you see something as a kid?

Speaker 105 What was it?

Speaker 51 Yeah, when I started...

Speaker 70 Robin Williams.

Speaker 192 I lover a Chris Rocka.

Speaker 51 To be honest, first special I ever saw was Eddie Murphy Delirious.

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 131 That'll do it.

Speaker 140 Hell yeah.

Speaker 187 Yeah.

Speaker 51 It was first found on Polish YouTube with Polish subtitles. So this is the reason.
I was 13 at the time and I started doing open mics when I was 16.

Speaker 50 Wow, that's amazing.

Speaker 97 You saw Eddie Murphy.

Speaker 31 Do they have black guys in Poland?

Speaker 51 Not so much, but I have explanation.

Speaker 34 Can you book me a flight to Poland real quick?

Speaker 44 Okay, what's the explanation why there's no blacks?

Speaker 51 We love black people. We just don't have a lot of black people.
Why? Because we never had slavery. So we never force anybody to come.

Speaker 152 You think that's all they do?

Speaker 41 You think that's all they're...

Speaker 30 You think that's all they're...

Speaker 162 Like, nobody coming.

Speaker 51 Like, we invite you, but nobody... Why the fuck you want to come to European Oklahoma, you know? That's true.
For what? What are you going to achieve there, you know?

Speaker 51 But feel welcome to come. Feel welcome.
We have three black persons right now.

Speaker 184 Yeah.

Speaker 111 What are their names?

Speaker 187 Yeah.

Speaker 51 The thing is, like, if you are too weak to play for America basketball team, then you go to Poland and play for Poland basketball team.

Speaker 51 So we have black guys on our team that cannot even speak Polish, but we love them. Three after three, you know.

Speaker 181 Heroes.

Speaker 17 Yeah. Heroes.
Yeah.

Speaker 51 And the main guy,

Speaker 51 you're not going to like it, maybe, but I'm going to try it. Like, the main guy, he has the most blackest name you can think of.

Speaker 78 Oh, let's hear it.

Speaker 60 Luke Fanza.

Speaker 147 Oh.

Speaker 51 His name is, it's real thing. I didn't make it up.
His name, Jordan Floyd.

Speaker 133 Jordan Floyd.

Speaker 166 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 3 What's his cardio like?

Speaker 127 Jordan, or is he more Floyd?

Speaker 51 He's more Jordan for sure.

Speaker 13 He can brief and stuff, right? Very good, yes.

Speaker 14 There you go.

Speaker 51 National hero, national hero.

Speaker 39 There you go.

Speaker 79 Took the the ball and ran with it there very good i like your style to

Speaker 51 make it up it's a real thing actually

Speaker 81 if i would make it up it would be racist but it's a true thing you know so yeah and those black basketball players have bigger poles than the poles do yeah

Speaker 51 see what i did there that's a giant penis joke tok I cannot do metrical system in America, so I don't know how long my penis is.

Speaker 140 Perfect.

Speaker 156 Perfect.

Speaker 51 I would say a foot of a midget.

Speaker 74 a foot of a midget.

Speaker 135 A foot of a midget. Foot of a midget.

Speaker 16 Double E-M-E-E-G-I-T. Midget.

Speaker 134 I love it.

Speaker 167 So, Tomek, have you ever had like a real job?

Speaker 97 What do you do when you're working in Poland?

Speaker 26 How do you make money? You just do comedy?

Speaker 51 I'm a pro-comedian since I was 19. So, yeah.

Speaker 145 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Like, in Poland, every comedian needs to work like Louis C.K. every special new year because after one year, everybody saw your stuff, right? Right.

Speaker 51 So I'm 28 I already have seven specials because of this you know so we work really hard there so you guys do have a great work ethic I am friends with literally UFC Hall of Famer multiple time

Speaker 167 I mean literally one of the I would say the greatest female fighter of all time Joanna Yenjechek very good translation yeah yeah

Speaker 51 yes she did a comedy with us yes she tried it out how was that at the beginning tough because we do was like a stadium tours, right?

Speaker 51 So imagine you never do it comedy and then you go 10,000 people stadium to do comedy, right? Yeah. So this was her beginning of step comedy.
But after a couple of shows, she made it. Yeah.

Speaker 51 After a couple of shows, first shows, a little bit tough, but after a couple of shows, she fucking nailed it.

Speaker 26 Yeah. And you're friends with Johanna?

Speaker 51 Yeah, yeah, I know her.

Speaker 51 We do a comedy tour in Poland when we invite celebrities to do comedy with us. But they have to go on stadiums without knowing how to do it, you know?

Speaker 51 So it's really really fun experience for them and for us as well because yeah, we better

Speaker 86 She's the best one of the sweetest ladies on planet Earth Ronda Rousey got a lot of hype She's like, you know American famous, but anybody that knows fighting knows Yoana is actually the she is national treasure as well.

Speaker 122 Yeah, no doubt most punches ever thrown in a fight is her against Zelli Wang, right?

Speaker 51 Am I saying Chinese girl?

Speaker 26 Yes, Chinese girl.

Speaker 61 And it's the craziest, craziest fight of of all time.

Speaker 51 Fucking Chinese girl.

Speaker 27 They are nothing but trouble.

Speaker 46 Tomek, anything else crazy we should know about you?

Speaker 26 I find you so interesting. You are truly, and it goes to show, you know, Eddie Murphy, who you first saw, I believe he started at either 14 or 15.

Speaker 120 You starting at 16.

Speaker 175 It just, it shows you are such a natural comedian.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Like for a long period of time, I had the nickname of youngest Polish comedian, you know, because I was just a teenager doing set-up comedy.

Speaker 51 When I had my first ever TV set in Poland, I had to get an agreement from my parents to do this because I was underage, you know.

Speaker 103 Do you remember, can you translate, does it work in English?

Speaker 67 Do you remember one of your first jokes in Poland on Polish television?

Speaker 104 Does it work in America at all?

Speaker 51 12 years ago, something about my teacher in school was an idiot. And then they hit on TV and I had to go to school after it.

Speaker 99 Wow, what did the teacher say to you?

Speaker 51 I don't remember at this point, but it was something about making him a pedophile.

Speaker 17 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 138 Perfect.

Speaker 51 Tough day at school on Monday. I would say that.

Speaker 97 Well, Tomek, I mean, you're amazing.

Speaker 125 How long are you in town for?

Speaker 51 I stay till the beginning of December, but I'm planning to be back here in February for another three months.

Speaker 152 Beginning of December, in the middle of February, already.

Speaker 164 Did you grow up with Polish jokes, Tony? Like,

Speaker 96 why do Polish girls don't use vibrators Because it chips their teeth and shit like that.

Speaker 17 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 92 Are you aware that Polish people are considered stupid?

Speaker 51 I know, but it's a like, this is a common opinion that Polish people are stupid. This is not true.
We just can't speak good English, so it sounds dumb, you know?

Speaker 51 Like in Polish language, I can be an intelligent guy. Here, I'm bored.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 33 I know.

Speaker 131 I know.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 164 I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Speaker 4 Boom.

Speaker 111 Bing-bong.

Speaker 62 And here's a big joke, book, my friend.

Speaker 182 Congratulations.

Speaker 5 You did it perfectly.

Speaker 9 Tomek Kowetski, ladies and gentlemen, with his big global Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 27 And on to the next one we go. Great job, Tomek.

Speaker 75 We'll see you later. Okay, sure.

Speaker 32 There you go.

Speaker 79 Cold, clammy hand.

Speaker 40 Cold, coalish hand.

Speaker 180 Ha ha ha.

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Speaker 121 All right.

Speaker 27 Back to the bucket. We go.
Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted minute.

Speaker 82 His name is Jose Ayala, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 72 Here we go.

Speaker 61 It's Jose Ayala.

Speaker 191 How you doing, Kiltoni?

Speaker 191 Hell yeah, hell yeah. I know what you're thinking.
That's one big ass fucking Jose right there, you know?

Speaker 191 Yeah, no, I know.

Speaker 191 I know I'm not a traditional Mexican, as you can tell. Yeah, but the most Mexican thing about me is I got a UTI.

Speaker 191 Yeah, a urinary tract infection. Ladies, drinker cranberry juice, you know.

Speaker 191 Because I got jerked off by a chick who had hot cheeto fingers, you know?

Speaker 191 Yeah, can you believe it? That bitch flavor blasted my dick, you know?

Speaker 191 No, but I got her bag. I did.
I ate her pussy out with Frank's Red Hot, you know?

Speaker 191 You can literally put that shit on anything, you know?

Speaker 191 And it was great too, because, you know, fucking what's like, it makes everything taste like buffalo wings. So it went great with the fucking blue cheese she already had, you know?

Speaker 95 Yeah, I should call her, you know?

Speaker 160 Yeah.

Speaker 191 Here's another. Oh, what do you call it when you make a paralyzed girl squirt?

Speaker 191 Vegetable soup.

Speaker 53 My name's Jose. Yeah, that guy's been wonderful.

Speaker 16 Vegetable soup?

Speaker 184 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 27 Just checking. All right.

Speaker 101 Didn't know if you said stew or it can work either way.

Speaker 66 Yeah, it works either way. Absolutely.

Speaker 101 Jose Ayala, you've been on this show before?

Speaker 150 Yeah, once.

Speaker 191 How long ago was that back? It was like a month ago, actually.

Speaker 40 Oh, wow. Okay.

Speaker 93 And

Speaker 104 how's life going for you, Jose?

Speaker 26 What did we find out about you in that first interview that I found interesting?

Speaker 191 I'm Mexican.

Speaker 97 Well, we knew that.

Speaker 191 I work at a bar. That's what we found out.
And

Speaker 119 yeah, that was it.

Speaker 31 Okay, wow. Well, this was a great interview, Jose.

Speaker 150 Is there anything else interesting about your life that we might find intriguing?

Speaker 84 I don't like big crowds.

Speaker 191 That's the only thing.

Speaker 101 Oh, you're in the right industry.

Speaker 60 Perfect.

Speaker 135 Amazing.

Speaker 87 Yeah, they freak me out.

Speaker 40 Like this?

Speaker 191 Yeah.

Speaker 108 Yeah.

Speaker 185 So

Speaker 122 how are you planning on getting over that?

Speaker 107 What's your big plan, Jose?

Speaker 157 Because the industry that you're in, if it goes good, which luckily I don't think you have to worry about that for a while, while, but if it goes good, you're going to be in front of giant crowds.

Speaker 191 I'm going to start doing orgies, so yeah.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 72 Yeah,

Speaker 191 just die right into it, you know? All right.

Speaker 150 What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up comedy, Jose?

Speaker 191 I like to play video games. I skateboard.

Speaker 191 I do recreational drugs.

Speaker 191 Just go out with friends, party, you know.

Speaker 25 What kind of recreational drugs do you do, Jose?

Speaker 106 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 191 Okay. Uh I smoke I smoke a lot of weed.

Speaker 98 Uh yeah, what other than that?

Speaker 40 Let's talk about that.

Speaker 191 Uh oh fuck.

Speaker 87 All right. Sorry, mom.

Speaker 169 Your upper lip is sweating between your nose and

Speaker 191 your upper lips. Sorry, I got hot and that's my bad.

Speaker 198 Uh no, um

Speaker 191 uh I did acid the other day, so that was pretty cool, you know?

Speaker 145 Yeah, dude, fuck yeah.

Speaker 28 Okay, what happened when you did acid?

Speaker 191 I got l okay, so I got lost completely.

Speaker 191 I ended up blacking out and then waking up like at a bus stop. And

Speaker 191 yeah, and I didn't know how I got there. And when I woke up, my underwear was completely gone.

Speaker 89 Where did it go?

Speaker 191 I think I probably shit my pants. Okay, no, I didn't.
I didn't probably I shit my pants and

Speaker 191 I uh because I was in and out of a blackout and I remember remember being behind a bush, wiping my ass with them, and then just throw him on the floor.

Speaker 13 Boy, I'm not gonna put him in my pocket.

Speaker 191 Oh, yeah, so I can have those from shows right here.

Speaker 106 Wow, you shit your pants.

Speaker 12 I'm gonna check in with my chief acid correspondent, the great Ron White is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 88 So, was it fun?

Speaker 180 Oh, no, it was great.

Speaker 191 I had like a great euphoric experience.

Speaker 191 I really

Speaker 191 thought about my life. And

Speaker 191 I cried a little bit. I'm not going to lie.
And

Speaker 191 it was really life-changing.

Speaker 191 Except for the shame.

Speaker 88 What was your life like before that?

Speaker 143 I got to tell you, dude,

Speaker 88 you came out. I think you did a pretty good job.
You haven't been doing stand-up long, right?

Speaker 98 Four years.

Speaker 108 Four years.

Speaker 88 Oh.

Speaker 88 I got nothing.

Speaker 131 I got nothing. I got nothing.

Speaker 87 Fun fact, I've only done acid maybe three or four times, and all three or four of those times, I'm just going to say it, was because of the great Ron White.

Speaker 166 He knows how to bring a party to the next level in the green room here.

Speaker 80 And they call it micro-dosing, but I've never micro-dosed, it turns out, anything in my fucking life.

Speaker 26 It turns out if I do any amount of anything, it's a full dose.

Speaker 88 Yeah, we turns out we don't have scales up there.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 112 And I can tell you, I just start hearing the lights. I can hear LED lights.

Speaker 79 I can hear and feel everything and anything around me.

Speaker 28 I'm in a total matrix when I do it, and I stay awake until about 8 a.m.

Speaker 97 the next day.

Speaker 80 I don't know why.

Speaker 68 From what I understand,

Speaker 107 I guess that's a part of it, but I don't get it.

Speaker 50 Micro-dosing liquid acid.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 70 Turns out I'm hanging out with fucking the fear and loathing over here

Speaker 82 ron white is like the actual dude by the way if you're wondering what he's like off stage he's like a cool texas version of the the of the big lubowski thank you

Speaker 63 thank you

Speaker 88 Yeah,

Speaker 88 but you did the answer that I gave you, and did you shit your pants?

Speaker 40 No,

Speaker 17 no, no. 200 hits.

Speaker 66 I've never shit my pants.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 179 We think you would have shit your pants anyway that day, Jose.

Speaker 191 Yeah, no, I was also blackout drunk. So

Speaker 88 I like that. That's what you want to do when you're on ass and just get blackout.

Speaker 191 Yeah, no, I didn't plan this. Some guy just, oh, fuck.
Some guy just gave it to me, and I was like, all right, fuck it. We're going to do this.
Might as well, you know, dance with the devil, you know?

Speaker 177 All right.

Speaker 106 Dance with the devil and shit your pants.

Speaker 108 Hell yeah.

Speaker 129 Huh.

Speaker 150 I find that. Do you shit your pants?

Speaker 129 No.

Speaker 84 Never.

Speaker 191 No, not really.

Speaker 174 Really? Not really.

Speaker 140 Oh,

Speaker 174 we're getting warmer, folks.

Speaker 136 No, not really.

Speaker 131 All right, I have.

Speaker 125 When I was right now, it's in your pants right now, isn't it?

Speaker 191 No.

Speaker 108 Okay. We're good.

Speaker 99 Jose, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 98 Fun times, my friend.

Speaker 138 Oh.

Speaker 161 Ooh, wow.

Speaker 107 There he goes. Jose Ayala dropping the little joke book.

Speaker 104 That's what people are going to remember from this set.

Speaker 47 One more time from Jose, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 3 Alright.

Speaker 140 I'll tell you.

Speaker 32 We've met some interesting people.

Speaker 88 It's tough to follow that Polish dude, right?

Speaker 125 It is tough to follow the Polish dude.

Speaker 184 We are about to...

Speaker 87 We're about to...

Speaker 165 Alright, let's get one more bucket pull up here before I pull the trigger on this nuclear warhead that I have waiting in the back.

Speaker 80 This looks like a new name, so I'm excited about new names.

Speaker 74 We've had two bucket pulls that we're both on in the last month, which is rough because they don't have anything new to talk about in the interview portion of the the show the bucket has a mind of its own this is the show this is what happens if anything gonna fucking happen so we're gonna meet a new one right now i'm sure this is a new name make some noise for carter fan cutch carter fan cutch

Speaker 63 there's carter everybody

Speaker 162 Nice of you guys to clap, cheer, and stuff whenever I came out. Last time I saw my mom, she didn't do any of that.
She just said, shave that shit off your face.

Speaker 162 Said, you look like my son and somebody I could never never trust around my son, you know? But I need this mustache. Without it, I look exactly like Caitlin Clark.

Speaker 127 She's a talented shooter.

Speaker 162 I just say, shoot when I come, you know?

Speaker 162 Dude, my love life's tough. It's like,

Speaker 162 my love life's like red box, you know? It used to be a thing.

Speaker 162 It used to be a lot of fun in a Walgreens parking lot, you know?

Speaker 67 Not a lot of returns.

Speaker 162 There are always scratches on the back.

Speaker 162 It's tough, you know, but

Speaker 162 I supplement it. You know, I supplement my sex life a little bit with porn when I can, but Texas makes that very difficult.
There's not exactly porn down here, so you got to get creative, you know.

Speaker 162 I found something pretty interesting. It was David Blaine's sex tape.

Speaker 162 That's good shit. That's good shit.

Speaker 66 He's having sex with a girl, and she's like, oh, David, don't come in me.

Speaker 162 I'm not on the pill. And he's like, ugh, check your pocket.

Speaker 140 All right.

Speaker 32 Carter Fan Kutch. Am I saying that right?

Speaker 19 Fan Kutch?

Speaker 162 Fan Cook.

Speaker 67 Fan Cook.

Speaker 107 Okay, I could see how that would be.

Speaker 84 Welcome, Carter.

Speaker 101 This is your first time on the show. Yes, sir.

Speaker 26 Awesome. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 69 About eight years. Eight years.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 129 Where at?

Speaker 162 Springfield, Missouri. Moved down here a year ago.

Speaker 37 Nice.

Speaker 47 How do you like Austin compared to Springfield, Missouri?

Speaker 162 It's a bigger town.

Speaker 162 A lot more opportunity.

Speaker 127 You know, I like it.

Speaker 108 Okay.

Speaker 106 What's a crazy thing that's happened for you in Austin, Texas so far?

Speaker 186 A lot of opportunity, a lot of fun to be had.

Speaker 163 You had a wild night or anything yet?

Speaker 162 Yeah, had some crazy nights. I saw a homeless person shitting on the street yesterday.

Speaker 32 I'm pretty sure he was just on stage.

Speaker 77 Is it at a bus stop, perhaps?

Speaker 51 Took a shit up here, too.

Speaker 156 Yeah.

Speaker 31 I love it.

Speaker 26 What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 120 You really do have a look to you.

Speaker 162 I'm a German man.

Speaker 162 The last name fan cook means pancake in German.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 108 Look at that.

Speaker 58 How do you think you ended up with the last name pancake?

Speaker 60 I

Speaker 162 have to assume we fucked up a loaf of bread somewhere

Speaker 162 back in the gene pool. I don't know.
I love it.

Speaker 94 What do your parents do? What are they up to?

Speaker 87 They together?

Speaker 162 No, no, long, long gone on the marriage there. My mom, a radio dosimetrist, treats cancer.
Okay.

Speaker 162 And then my dad was like a pharmaceutical salesperson, then got popped smoking weed, and I guess you can't do that as a pharmaceutical salesperson.

Speaker 162 So he bought an Airbnb or a bed and breakfast rather, and like ran that for a while. Now he works at a dock.

Speaker 163 A dock?

Speaker 162 Yeah, he owns a dock. Okay.
Phil's gas, wears jean shorts. He lives the fucking life.

Speaker 25 Yeah, that sounds like a dream.

Speaker 87 It really does.

Speaker 107 Red Band is excited about it, right?

Speaker 78 You like it.

Speaker 145 Scooting.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 177 Okay.

Speaker 93 And

Speaker 157 so you said your love life's like a red box.

Speaker 73 How's it been going?

Speaker 98 What exactly is going on?

Speaker 172 Why do you think you're having trouble?

Speaker 162 It's actually going okay. I'm married now.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 162 I've remedied the solution. I found a box that I can just go back to over and over again.

Speaker 40 Look at that.

Speaker 162 But yeah, no, it's going. We both travel for work and stuff.
So it is... There's some dry spells, but yeah.

Speaker 175 What does she do?

Speaker 157 Where does she travel for work?

Speaker 162 She actually, she's all over the place. She's a like a wastewater field service technician.
So she's like anywhere there's shit she'll go. She's actually going to India for Thanksgiving.

Speaker 162 She'll be there.

Speaker 72 Oh my god.

Speaker 67 Really?

Speaker 173 Yeah.

Speaker 46 She's going to help the wastewater in India?

Speaker 162 Believe it or not, it's not good there.

Speaker 91 Oh my god, that sounds like quite the mission.

Speaker 17 Yeah,

Speaker 162 she's going to fail, but you know, you got to...

Speaker 167 Treating wastewater in India is like fucking melting the snow in Antarctica.

Speaker 12 This sounds like mission impossible.

Speaker 135 Is she excited about this to spend Thanksgiving in India?

Speaker 162 She was like, she was, are you gonna miss me? Like, should I just stay here for Thanksgiving? I was like, no, it's like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Speaker 162 But we went and got, we went to the travel center and got her shots and everything today. And she's fucking scared now.

Speaker 162 Like, don't eat any of the food. You have to crack open every drink that you're going to drink.

Speaker 162 Has to be factory sealed like they really put the fear of god in her there's like japanese encephalitis running rampant it's a scary fucking place fuck unbelievable wow ron white what do you think about this young buck mr pancake i think that uh most of the things you do in uh india will give you the shits yeah

Speaker 88 right so she could be at home there you think she might not ever come back

Speaker 162 yeah she may have too much work she may leave me for a poo. I don't know.

Speaker 143 So, do you do comedy clubs on the road?

Speaker 88 Is that what you do? Do you travel and do clubs?

Speaker 162 I actually am in wastewater also, so I travel for work mostly for that. That's how we met.

Speaker 40 Whoa, that's boring.

Speaker 60 How do you do it?

Speaker 88 Dude, you make everybody sound more interesting than they are. That's fucking incredible.

Speaker 68 It's not easy.

Speaker 157 After a show like this, I sleep for 48 hours straight.

Speaker 120 So both of you are in wastewater?

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 175 So you're literally, it's a shitty relationship.

Speaker 184 Your house must stink, dude.

Speaker 96 Like, like, how much do you spend on Glade a month?

Speaker 13 Opposite, dude.

Speaker 173 We're pros.

Speaker 162 We know exactly. I've learned to wipe sitting down recently.

Speaker 116 Like, where are we?

Speaker 42 Wow, Red Band still hasn't learned how to do that.

Speaker 72 That's incredible.

Speaker 96 Yeah, because that's inferior.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 144 How did you wipe before?

Speaker 13 Great question.

Speaker 84 How did you wipe before?

Speaker 162 I would get up, you know, I'd take a look, and then I'd be like, yeah, that's going to be some work. And then I'd get in there.

Speaker 162 I would stand up. I would stand up.
I don't know whose fault that is.

Speaker 173 I don't know if that's my dad or my mother. It's a German thing, I think.

Speaker 46 Exactly, how do you do it now?

Speaker 44 Tell us, explain to us how you do it sitting down.

Speaker 162 I just like

Speaker 52 lean.

Speaker 162 I typically left, I'm right-handed, so I'll lean left, and I'll get

Speaker 37 I. You lean left.

Speaker 162 I lean left, and that's two actions. So that creates a space for the arm to go, and it spreads your cheeks.

Speaker 96 Wow. Doesn't that seem like not as good? Like you're not getting in there?

Speaker 162 No, Brian, it's better.

Speaker 162 My asshole's cleaner, and I smell less like poop all the time.

Speaker 134 You should stop by my place.

Speaker 88 I've got a rotating stream of water that shoots up my ass.

Speaker 63 It is nice.

Speaker 173 Is that just on your jet, or you have that in your house?

Speaker 88 No, I got it everywhere, man. Everywhere I go.

Speaker 162 One day I'll afford

Speaker 66 fountain for my

Speaker 93 you'd be so you'd be quite surprised if you go on amazon you'd be shocked at how amazing a bidet is 40 bucks it'll change your life use the promo code kill tony uh

Speaker 196 and uh i'll price him out and i'll get i'll get a wet ass all right uh carter congratulations um

Speaker 107 here is a uh

Speaker 106 i can't even remember how did you do caitlin clark was okay red box guy there okay here's a uh here's a big joke book

Speaker 85 there you go Carter

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Speaker 4 Rules and Restrictions Apply.

Speaker 201 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

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Speaker 201 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.

Speaker 135 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special moment, which I like because

Speaker 44 the last, you know, few comedians, other than the Polish guy,

Speaker 86 it's been kind of low.

Speaker 101 The levels of sets tonight, I would consider low.

Speaker 80 But right now, you're about to meet the newest regular on Kill Tony.

Speaker 66 This is an absolutely incredible moment because it's it's his first time being brought up as a regular.

Speaker 80 He was made a regular last week out of nowhere.

Speaker 97 I had never met him before.

Speaker 43 And since I've come to learn that he is absolutely totally deserving and ready for this mission, a 12-year veteran of comedy, the Dark Storm of Atlanta.

Speaker 66 Welcome to the stage.

Speaker 24 Make some fucking noise for Detrick Flynn, everybody.

Speaker 62 Here we go.

Speaker 62 What's up?

Speaker 139 What you know about accidentally drinking three gallons of gasoline because you was trying to siphon it from a truck and you accidentally swallowed three liters of it at nine years old and then you got to go to your dad and you got to say hey dad my dum tum hurt and then your dad go say boy you smell unleaded so then I gotta go to the look at me I gotta

Speaker 139 so then you go to the hospital and you get your stomach pumps right you get your stomach pump but then the doctors don't give me back the gasoline what the fuck is up with that?

Speaker 15 We need to pay doctors less money.

Speaker 139 I got kicked out the hibachi restaurant yesterday

Speaker 139 and if we being honest all hibachi just means is Japanese food live right that's all it means it's like you can get the album home but see them live it's amazing

Speaker 20 they'll flip a shrimp in your mouth and

Speaker 139 but they got an anti-being high policy because they had an all you could eat so I ate an edible because I was gonna see all that I could eat and they tricked me.

Speaker 139 What they did was they uh it was really entrapping. They uh they dropped off the chopsticks before they dropped off the food.

Speaker 139 And a nigga just saw drumline the night before, so I'm doing my pair of diddles on the soy sauce.

Speaker 7 Didn't these niggas have the nerve to put on Phil Collins in the air tonight? They everybody on Phil Collins in the air tonight.

Speaker 139 That's not that's not how you deal with those situations.

Speaker 139 I work in bars. What I do is like say crazy, like say if y'all two dudes start to get in the fight, I'll just spray y'all with some silly string.

Speaker 15 Let y'all know this is not a serious time.

Speaker 139 Just supposed to be y'all friends.

Speaker 139 And if y'all get mad and try to fight me, I'll just pepper spray you in the eyes. Or as I call it, serious string.

Speaker 31 I'm done.

Speaker 111 Yes.

Speaker 9 Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 111 Let's fucking go.

Speaker 185 Yes, sir.

Speaker 112 Welcome, welcome, Dedrick.

Speaker 82 Here we are.

Speaker 12 Your first time cashing in on regular ship.

Speaker 44 Your second time ever on the show.

Speaker 82 A 12-year veteran.

Speaker 94 He signed up 39 times for the show and finally got pulled last week.

Speaker 186 Meanwhile, you have fucking these guys.

Speaker 13 Two fucking buffoons shitting their pants that got pulled in the last month, each of them.

Speaker 149 Sweet fucking killer Dedric up here, filled with material and funny stuff.

Speaker 79 I love the fact that you made that guy in the front look at you while you were doing the thing.

Speaker 166 Yeah.

Speaker 16 Oh,

Speaker 65 it was amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 158 I'm going to be somebody. Look at me.
Yeah.

Speaker 131 Dedric, I love it.

Speaker 61 Tell us how life's going for you.

Speaker 26 Tell us something we don't know about you.

Speaker 87 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 158 Man, first I had to call my mama, and then I had to explain what Kill Tony was.

Speaker 153 because she old and black, like she don't know no better.

Speaker 141 So then I was like, it's like the Apollo.

Speaker 139 And she said, okay, cool. Where that's at?

Speaker 141 And I said, in Austin, where I've been living.

Speaker 141 I've been signing up. And then she said, okay, whose club is it?

Speaker 153 Then I had to tell her it was Joe Rogan Club.

Speaker 141 And then she couldn't remember who Joe Rogan was. So I said, the nigga from Fear Factor.

Speaker 48 Yep.

Speaker 17 And then

Speaker 139 she said, oh, good baby.

Speaker 9 You doing good, baby.

Speaker 16 How you going to make some money?

Speaker 30 He is that guy.

Speaker 102 On top of many other things, he is that guy from Fear Factor.

Speaker 40 Yeah, he's...

Speaker 76 I love it.

Speaker 44 How does she feel about you being out here in Texas?

Speaker 141 She hated it at first because

Speaker 133 she told me.

Speaker 153 Because when we was growing up, my dad was like, the black dots on the map mean that's where other black people live.

Speaker 49 take as much time as y'all need

Speaker 141 and so I asked my dad I was like what do you do in between the black dots and he said drive fast

Speaker 182 peeing Gatorade bottles you don't don't stop so

Speaker 182 oh my gosh she just found out about Austin.

Speaker 158 It's 12 black people here now

Speaker 45 Your parents still together?

Speaker 141 No, my dad passed away in 2016.

Speaker 73 Oh shit. Sorry to hear that.

Speaker 177 How'd he die?

Speaker 75 I always ask everybody.

Speaker 153 Yeah, he had he had kidney failure and then they kill you with the treatment right

Speaker 158 having kidney failure.

Speaker 71 And he had diabetes first.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 106 Yeah, that's that's a thing.

Speaker 20 Don't make a joke about it.

Speaker 60 No, I won't.

Speaker 17 I won't.

Speaker 109 I will not make fun of the diabetes that you're.

Speaker 15 17 more episodes. You can make fun of it.

Speaker 13 Okay, I'll wait. He did it?

Speaker 135 I'm writing that down.

Speaker 132 17 episodes, and I'll bring this up from now.

Speaker 141 And then roast my dad to shred.

Speaker 86 I will.

Speaker 26 I will. Was he cremated?

Speaker 2 No, no, we had some money.

Speaker 31 Oh, okay.

Speaker 3 We had some money. That wasn't important.
Yeah.

Speaker 139 Well, people donated money.

Speaker 141 I was working at a, I was a GM at a car wash, and then I was making them a bunch of money.

Speaker 153 Jim Dudley helped pay for my dad funeral.

Speaker 158 And then I appreciate that from Jim. Shout out, Jim Dudley, over there.

Speaker 9 hell yeah in georgia somewhere

Speaker 15 what was it like being the gm of a car wash i i loved it and because like i knew i had power you know what i'm saying like i'm power hungry so like when when customers will come in i only could like you could either get extracurricular or i'm gonna be like that's not my job i can't do that And I love telling somebody something's not my job.

Speaker 153 That's my favorite thing in the world. You ever just be like, no, I don't do,

Speaker 153 you people do stuff like that. You know what I'm talking about, Tony.

Speaker 158 You got money too, right, Ron White?

Speaker 115 I do.

Speaker 131 I do.

Speaker 143 Hey, but you know what?

Speaker 88 I just wanted to say this.

Speaker 88 I watched your set last week from the balcony up there because Tony said this kid is really good. And I just laughed my face off.
And then you're going to be in my show tomorrow night.

Speaker 181 Yes, sir.

Speaker 134 Full 15 minutes.

Speaker 88 I'm looking forward to having you on board.

Speaker 63 Having you around the club.

Speaker 62 Thank you so much.

Speaker 139 Y'all make some noise for Ron White.

Speaker 62 Yeah. And give an opportunity there.

Speaker 22 Things are moving very fast for Dedrick.

Speaker 189 So he was made a regular last week.

Speaker 93 And then Tuesday, we're all in the green room on a normal thing. Me, Ron, Rogan,

Speaker 97 DeRosa, and whoever else, Shane, a bunch of people.

Speaker 87 And Bert.

Speaker 169 it's a normal just a normal Tuesday you never know who's gonna be on one of these crazy Rogan shows normal Tuesday of work and I was telling the green room like oh we got a new regular that only happens once every year or two and the kids a freak and Rogan says invite him to do the show tomorrow and I'll have him on my show so you came on the Wednesday that's how fast so Monday you get pulled for the first time Wednesday you're opening for Joe Rogan and the balcony filled up with fucking the guys everyone's like let's see if you know this regular this new guy for the first time because they always know if I say I found somebody that they're probably gonna know them and forever and holy shit I mean it was incredible he has a fucking I mean I don't want to give anything away and I'm not going to but he started a bit about Oreo cookies that I thought was going to be a quick amazing joke and I see the first minute and I'm like oh this is gonna fucking destroy on kill Tony and then it's two minutes three minutes four minutes, five, six, seven, eight, nine about Oreos.

Speaker 9 He's got a nine minute long Oreo bit

Speaker 184 and we're dying.

Speaker 133 I'm wiping tears.

Speaker 74 We're wiping tears out of our eyes.

Speaker 94 And there's nothing quite like it.

Speaker 97 You know, this probably sounds corny, but like when someone like you comes around, it reminds us all what the fuck we got in this for.

Speaker 9 And it's incredibly fucking inspiring. And I'm so excited to have you on board.

Speaker 54 It gives me something to look forward to every week.

Speaker 37 And so, welcome to the family, Dedric, and we'll do it again next week.

Speaker 180 I love you!

Speaker 9 Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, it has begun.

Speaker 13 I can't wait for you guys to see what Dedrick has up his sleeve.

Speaker 125 It is powerful.

Speaker 109 One more time for Dedric Flynn, everybody.

Speaker 9 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 59 This is where we found him.

Speaker 12 This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trip Callahan, everybody.

Speaker 79 trip callahan is next

Speaker 38 oh my god guys so uh one thing about me i think it's very important to be able to change your mind and no one's better at that than obama

Speaker 38 yeah because when obama took office he was against gay marriage and by the time he left he was drone striking straight weddings that's

Speaker 195 Pretty good progress

Speaker 38 and I love the gays, but the other day someone told me that gays gays aren't groomers, and I was like, what?

Speaker 38 Like, my thing is, if gays aren't groomers, then explain how I got sucked off at a petco.

Speaker 38 I do got a new favorite gay. His name's Jeffrey Dahmer.

Speaker 38 Because I finally watched that Netflix show about him.

Speaker 38 And I remember when it came out, a bunch of my friends were talking about it was funny when the police were interviewing Dahmer's dad and telling him everything because the thing he was most pissed about was that Dahmer was gay.

Speaker 38 And I was just thinking, if I was that police officer, I would have tried to cheer him up a little, you know?

Speaker 38 I'd have been like, sure, he was gay, but he also murdered 25 gay dudes, right?

Speaker 38 Yeah, so despite his gayness, he's much more homophobic than you, you know? Like, you're talking about how they're going to hell. He's fucking sending them there.

Speaker 27 All right, Trip Callahan with an extremely gay set.

Speaker 133 Yes.

Speaker 128 Welcome, Trip.

Speaker 150 Have you been on this show before?

Speaker 38 Yeah, I was on like a couple months ago.

Speaker 107 Okay, welcome back, Trip.

Speaker 52 Welcome back.

Speaker 92 How's your life changed since the last time you were on this show?

Speaker 38 Oh, bro, I can't even go out in public.

Speaker 31 Wow. No, dude.

Speaker 48 Nothing's changed, bro.

Speaker 66 Nothing's changed.

Speaker 187 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 65 Was it a good set or was it like that?

Speaker 196 It's better than this one, dude.

Speaker 40 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 26 But, yeah. Remind us, Trip.

Speaker 133 You seem like a very happy guy.

Speaker 87 Of course.

Speaker 44 What did we find out about you last time you were on the show?

Speaker 38 Oh, bro. I work at HEB.

Speaker 181 Oh, shit.

Speaker 38 Serial killer friend.

Speaker 157 What's your serial killer friend?

Speaker 94 What do you mean?

Speaker 38 Oh, well, he was like just like, he's like turned gay and then started killing gay guys. And he was.

Speaker 157 Is this everything in your life and all that you talk about?

Speaker 128 Gay and serial killers?

Speaker 52 Yes, bro.

Speaker 63 Okay, bro.

Speaker 46 What else about you, Trip?

Speaker 44 Tell us something we didn't find out last time you were on the show.

Speaker 38 I got like crippled for like four years from college football.

Speaker 87 Ooh, tell us more.

Speaker 38 Well, I got rolled up on, dude. I messed up my ankle and then the dog, I broke my leg and I fucked up all my cartilage and ligaments in my ankle.
And then the doctors kept fucking up.

Speaker 38 I had to have like two surgeries, but we're better now, dude. We made it.

Speaker 144 You know what's amazing is it sounds like you've got something to say.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Right?

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 143 You're really good at it.

Speaker 60 I mean, you hold the mic in the right spot.

Speaker 134 You're you understand every fucking word you say.

Speaker 144 Dang. And it's almost like you have a plan.

Speaker 138 Right?

Speaker 60 But you're missing content.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 144 that's all you're missing.

Speaker 143 Just a little bit of content, man.

Speaker 38 I got you.

Speaker 51 But

Speaker 88 most amateur comics don't do as good a job with the microphone as you do, and I understood every fucking word you said.

Speaker 84 Well, thank you.

Speaker 88 So that's a big, that's something.

Speaker 131 It is true.

Speaker 46 Your delivery mechanism is impeccable.

Speaker 46 It's like ordering from Uber Eats, like a Euro stand at 4 a.m.

Speaker 149 or something.

Speaker 73 The delivery is there, but it's not good.

Speaker 135 When it comes, it's just a little bit off.

Speaker 46 You're like, well, this was the only place that was open, but at least it's here.

Speaker 28 And then you deeply regret it the next day.

Speaker 184 That's what you're like.

Speaker 60 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 32 Trip, tell us something amazing about your life that has nothing to do with gay or serial killers.

Speaker 38 Oh, man.

Speaker 187 I got nothing.

Speaker 40 You stumped it.

Speaker 195 Yeah, you really did, bro.

Speaker 147 Uh-huh.

Speaker 196 Dude, uh, amazing about my life?

Speaker 26 Anything at all, just anything, trip.

Speaker 38 Dude, I can walk again? No.

Speaker 89 I work at

Speaker 38 a job, dude. I work at eight.
Yeah, I can walk, dude.

Speaker 65 We already talked about HEB last time, right?

Speaker 38 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 179 Can you really walk?

Speaker 145 Yes. All right, do it.

Speaker 13 There's a little joke book.

Speaker 21 Trip Callahan, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 182 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 120 Stumped him with the anything except for gay or serial killer talk.

Speaker 16 We got a whole bucket.

Speaker 126 Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 168 Wow.

Speaker 126 Look at that.

Speaker 159 It's a shame she doesn't want to fucking kill a gay tonight.

Speaker 27 I don't know. Nothing's making any sense right now.

Speaker 37 This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Henry J, everybody.

Speaker 166 Henry J.

Speaker 27 One more time for Henry J, everyone.

Speaker 200 I can tell my phone was made in China because the default skin color on my emojis is yellow.

Speaker 200 If Johnny Depp has a one-night stand and then the next morning gets an amber alert on his phone, does he panic and check his bed for any surprises?

Speaker 200 I think he does.

Speaker 200 Is the utensil of choice for non-binary people a spork?

Speaker 199 I think they eat exclusively with that when they eat brunch.

Speaker 163 Let's see.

Speaker 199 If a plane makes a successful water landing,

Speaker 200 do the black passengers panic harder after the landing?

Speaker 200 If a guy goes on a date, on a Tinder date, with a girl that ends up not being a girl, did he get catfished or swordfished?

Speaker 17 Thank you.

Speaker 166 All right, Henry Jay.

Speaker 27 Without a doubt, his first time on the show.

Speaker 131 Ron White.

Speaker 60 Those were riddles.

Speaker 143 You should do jokes because you have a, you know, you got a good face for stand-up comedy.

Speaker 108 You look like you, but.

Speaker 191 Yeah.

Speaker 143 But those are jokes. Those are riddles.

Speaker 1 That's what those are. Those are just.

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 97 It's true.

Speaker 92 You're more of a riddler than a joker.

Speaker 98 Do all of your, does every bit of your material end in a question mark?

Speaker 200 I just thought it was a unique style, you know, where the question and like, or the setup and the punchline all built into the one question.

Speaker 58 Yeah. How many of those do you have?

Speaker 12 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 119 About two years.

Speaker 183 Two years. All of it in Austin?

Speaker 200 In Utah.

Speaker 163 Utah. Salt Lake City?

Speaker 119 Okay.

Speaker 171 Yes, sir. And that's your style.
You're the question.

Speaker 183 Is it exclusively just questions?

Speaker 120 Do you have any other material?

Speaker 202 I have a lot of other stuff.

Speaker 101 Can you do one joke that isn't a question?

Speaker 160 Sure.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, doing a joke that isn't a question.

Speaker 166 Henry Jay, everybody.

Speaker 200 I was studying abroad and she got creeped out and just

Speaker 199 that joke slaps you know yeah

Speaker 111 okay

Speaker 32 that is that is not a question

Speaker 60 still a little riddly

Speaker 37 slightly riddly still some thinking you have to do and then you go ha ha

Speaker 146 ha

Speaker 128 I bet you get a lot of those in

Speaker 37 the Henry Jay fan club.

Speaker 79 A lot of them, you're going to love this guy.

Speaker 82 Are you sober?

Speaker 112 Because you got to be sober for him.

Speaker 86 You got to really get to pay close attention and put your thinking hat on for the wild comedy styles of Henry Jay.

Speaker 200 Everyone in Utah is sober.

Speaker 193 Well, not everyone.

Speaker 26 I did an arena in Salt Lake City on Saturday night and nobody was sober.

Speaker 112 We have different crowds, Henry Jay.

Speaker 133 This is true.

Speaker 128 Those people in Salt Lake City fucking party.

Speaker 26 For those of you that don't know, it is one of the top five cities in the United States of America.

Speaker 78 Shout out, Salt Lake City. Shake that bed, bitch.

Speaker 183 I have no idea what that means in this context.

Speaker 78 Wait until we're talking about mashed potatoes or bacon before you speak up again.

Speaker 48 Henry J.

Speaker 130 What do you do for work?

Speaker 200 I'm a finished carpenter.

Speaker 107 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 200 So I install doors and do like a bunch of custom woodwork in people's homes. Oh, okay.
Anything woodwork related in people's homes.

Speaker 108 Oh, all right. Okay.

Speaker 171 And you just finish. You never start.

Speaker 200 I just ask.

Speaker 200 I struggle closing sales because I never actually, you know.

Speaker 26 What's your love life like?

Speaker 131 I'm married.

Speaker 80 You're married? Yeah.

Speaker 73 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 120 When you pop the question, was it all like, would you, if you would?

Speaker 33 If you could?

Speaker 200 I just used the 20 questions thing, you know. We got there eventually.

Speaker 73 I love it. What does she do?

Speaker 200 She's stay-at-home mom.

Speaker 26 Stay-at-home mom? How many kids do you have? Two.

Speaker 87 That's adorable. How old are they?

Speaker 200 My oldest is five. He's a boy, and then I have a little two-year-old girl.

Speaker 113 Amazing.

Speaker 31 You love it, huh? I love it.

Speaker 170 It's the best.

Speaker 10 Wow, that's incredible.

Speaker 21 When you come inside of your wife, do you say anything weird?

Speaker 178 Do you make a weird face or anything?

Speaker 46 Do you make a noise?

Speaker 30 What is a guy like you?

Speaker 46 Because you seem a little goofy.

Speaker 135 You seem a little silly.

Speaker 32 I'd imagine you do something a little wackadoodle wackadoodle dandy.

Speaker 199 We like dirty talk, so I'll...

Speaker 22 Really?

Speaker 36 Give us an example of your dirty talk.

Speaker 79 Do you like that penis?

Speaker 202 It's all questions.

Speaker 14 Yeah.

Speaker 200 I just, I'll kiss her neck a little bit and work my way up to her ear and then just...

Speaker 27 And then you nut inside of her?

Speaker 200 No, no, no.

Speaker 135 Oh, okay take us through it nice and slow I'll just very romantic I'll just tell her or I'll oh I guess I'll just ask her it's like

Speaker 54 no I'm not gonna ask your question I'm not gonna no I'll just like I'll work my way up to her ear and then I'll just say baby I would skip church for you wow

Speaker 155 wow That's our dirty talk.

Speaker 83 That is indeed Utah dirty talk.

Speaker 44 So you're on the Mormon side of things up there, I'm guessing.

Speaker 30 Very religious? You were raised that way?

Speaker 94 No? How did you end up finding the Mormons to be your religion of choice?

Speaker 200 It's kind of a long story.

Speaker 80 I bet it is.

Speaker 109 I want to hear it.

Speaker 24 I want to know how I always assume that Mormons, I don't know why, but I always kind of assume that you have to be like born into it and raised into it.

Speaker 186 I don't often find people that find God finding the silly, alien, the funny one.

Speaker 191 you guys are like the funny religion the deeper you look into it the wilder it gets you've seen Book of Mormon from the creators of South Park no you want to you should see it yeah unbelievably hilarious I heard it's highly and I love musicals all right go ahead tell us how you found Mormon

Speaker 200 well I mean I think each and every one of us have a direct line to him, and I think he communicates with us specifically so that we're in the right place at the right time to to either help people or not.

Speaker 111 I

Speaker 200 BYU was highlighted in my mind there and it felt like that was him putting that there because BYU was highlighted.

Speaker 120 What do you mean exactly?

Speaker 200 Like it was just a thought that came to my brain that was.

Speaker 107 When did this happen?

Speaker 194 After high school?

Speaker 163 No.

Speaker 200 I went through a little atheist phase after high school. Uh-huh.

Speaker 120 And then then explain to us what you mean by BYU was highlighted.

Speaker 105 You're an atheist, and then

Speaker 160 I found God before this, but yeah, I

Speaker 200 it just it just came into my mind that that's what he wanted to do, and it was extremely powerful. I could tell it wasn't in my own thoughts.

Speaker 50 It was just like,

Speaker 200 this is what I want you to do.

Speaker 120 And then you went to BYU?

Speaker 51 And you finished at BYU?

Speaker 200 I didn't. I dropped out.
You dropped out.

Speaker 184 Okay. How sick of that.

Speaker 131 I thought God feel about that.

Speaker 17 So,

Speaker 94 and then, so you drop out.

Speaker 107 You didn't finish,

Speaker 108 much like your work.

Speaker 46 And then, how do you find your, is your wife Mormon too?

Speaker 150 Yeah.

Speaker 68 Okay. So you've met her at church?

Speaker 200 I met her, so I... I served a mission just like any old little good Mormon.

Speaker 28 So you really did.

Speaker 167 You had the name tag and the white polo and the black tie and you're knocking on doors.

Speaker 66 CIA of Jesus.

Speaker 50 Okay, sure.

Speaker 105 Okay, this is how you meet your wife?

Speaker 106 Paint the picture for us.

Speaker 107 Yeah, so I met her.

Speaker 200 We go to a little training center for a couple of weeks before we ship out to all the different locations. And I met her there.

Speaker 46 You met her at the training center.

Speaker 149 She was...

Speaker 98 I didn't realize.

Speaker 200 She was also a missionary there, and we were just.

Speaker 47 Is that the position that you guys have sex in?

Speaker 200 We are masters at the missionary position.

Speaker 150 Do you only do missionary position?

Speaker 112 Really?

Speaker 98 Do you do other positions with your wife?

Speaker 160 Other ones, yes.

Speaker 44 Like what? What other ones? Give us an example.

Speaker 68 Just

Speaker 61 rattle off some positions for us real quick.

Speaker 126 No big deal.

Speaker 64 If you want to get up, Ron White names 75 positions in less than...

Speaker 96 The lazy dog.

Speaker 70 Hold on a second.

Speaker 30 What exactly is the lazy dog, Ron?

Speaker 88 That's where you get in the doggy style position, and then both of you at the same time, and that's the important part, fall over.

Speaker 4 Now you're doing a lazy dog.

Speaker 140 Ron White is the coolest guy on planet Earth.

Speaker 143 Where did you get your mission assignment?

Speaker 31 I mean, did you get a Orlando?

Speaker 63 Fort Lauderdale?

Speaker 184 Wow.

Speaker 141 Look at that.

Speaker 88 Not bad. Like, they need some saving there.

Speaker 156 Yeah.

Speaker 98 So, what was that like going into Fort Lauderdale and trying to teach people the way of

Speaker 193 aliens and whatnot being a god and all this?

Speaker 31 Very, very hilarious religion.

Speaker 200 No, it was interesting. And every time I saw a black person, I couldn't tell if they spoke English, Creole, or Spanish.

Speaker 131 So you just kind of...

Speaker 66 Let's stick with that for a second.

Speaker 14 When you say that,

Speaker 132 what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 37 Like, you would see one and then...

Speaker 200 We talked to people on the streets a bunch, obviously, and like, I'd just be like, hey, how's it going?

Speaker 130 It's like, unpa pale English, you know? Oh,

Speaker 200 okay. I learned the basics of Creole just to be able to communicate.
Wow. A lot of hand gestures to communicate when I need to.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 46 And were you able to sign up any of these black people in Fort Lauderdale?

Speaker 32 Ron White shaking his head no.

Speaker 27 I am on the inside also shaking my head no.

Speaker 136 I don't find it believable.

Speaker 22 Did you really sell a black guy on being a Mormon?

Speaker 202 I'm trying to think.

Speaker 88 How many black people are in the Mormon group up there? Anybody in the tabernacle choir?

Speaker 133 How many times did they answer the door and just go, oh, hell no?

Speaker 192 What you a bill collector, motherfucker?

Speaker 92 Get the fuck up.

Speaker 40 All right.

Speaker 129 Red Band, what do you think about Mormons?

Speaker 60 Man,

Speaker 96 I just like the things they did because they can't have sex.

Speaker 96 You know, like that shaking the bed thing was a real thing where they go in bed and they have their friend just shake it so they're like rubbing against each other's,

Speaker 44 you know, that kind of stuff. Do you know about this, Henry?

Speaker 160 I've heard about it, yeah.

Speaker 69 Can you describe one of the wackiest things that you had to do sexually to respect your religion before you got married?

Speaker 26 Did you cheat a little bit?

Speaker 73 Did you put it like, did you stick it in a little bit?

Speaker 67 No.

Speaker 109 How about the backside?

Speaker 140 I know you guys, you guys, a way that the Lord doesn't see the old beehole in

Speaker 112 Mormonism from what I understand.

Speaker 26 We study these things.

Speaker 46 On top of mashed potatoes and bacon, he's a butthole specialist, though.

Speaker 202 No, nothing.

Speaker 133 Come on, give us a little something.

Speaker 96 You ever hide in the back seat of your car with a couple friends and watch them make out in the front while you're parked?

Speaker 58 No? There must be something.

Speaker 167 How long were you with your wife before you got married?

Speaker 202 It's like eight, nine months, something like that.

Speaker 87 Wow, not that long.

Speaker 103 So for eight or nine months, you guys were kissing.

Speaker 67 Tongue kissing.

Speaker 160 We made up.

Speaker 103 Hand stuff.

Speaker 94 Fingers and hands? No.

Speaker 94 So you had no idea what this lady's pussy even smelled like.

Speaker 12 And you're like, I want this forever.

Speaker 77 And it could have been a disaster.

Speaker 131 Forever and ever.

Speaker 186 It could have been a fucking BYU.

Speaker 109 You know what I mean?

Speaker 124 You're taking chances, dude.

Speaker 129 Oh, my God.

Speaker 94 So nothing with not a hand job, not a dry hump.

Speaker 43 Nothing with clothes on.

Speaker 50 Not a fully clothed.

Speaker 179 So you can make out and you would get a boner, right?

Speaker 64 While making out, but you couldn't like even like be like, oh, oh.

Speaker 189 nothing at all nothing so you would like make out and then go to the bathroom and like jerk off sometimes

Speaker 66 it was just blue balls the whole

Speaker 41 wait there was blue balls blue balls

Speaker 99 blue balls the whole courtship the whole courtship is that what you said yeah okay

Speaker 14 when it came out was it curdled or anything like oh my god

Speaker 134 you couldn't even jerk off thinking about her is that one of the rules no not.

Speaker 78 You can't even drink coffee.

Speaker 145 Huh?

Speaker 18 Drink coffee.

Speaker 40 And Red Band knows all the rules.

Speaker 155 Teach me. Teach me, Red Band.

Speaker 88 I was

Speaker 88 getting some dental work done,

Speaker 88 and they didn't turn the gas up to where I could feel it. And

Speaker 88 it was like

Speaker 88 a, I don't know, some kind of dental school in Vegas. I'd broken a tooth.

Speaker 88 And I told the guy to turn the gas up. And he goes, there are regulations statement about it.

Speaker 108 Wow, wow.

Speaker 88 And And I said, Where'd you go to college? He goes, Brigham Young. And I'm like, Turn it up to Catholic.

Speaker 85 Never let a Mormon set your buzz level.

Speaker 146 Never.

Speaker 134 And here's why.

Speaker 88 They don't understand fucked up the way you and I do.

Speaker 144 They're guessing and they're shitty guessers.

Speaker 200 We're the best designated drivers, though, out there.

Speaker 167 We got Waymos now.

Speaker 62 Henry J,

Speaker 62 fun times, great interview.

Speaker 131 Interview of the night.

Speaker 49 Henry J.

Speaker 9 Congratulations, Henry. Thank you for joining us.
Sign up again. Come back again.

Speaker 63 All right.

Speaker 120 Here we go.

Speaker 43 Bucket pool number nine.

Speaker 26 And I got to tell you, this, without a doubt, looks like a good name.

Speaker 151 The handwriting is impeccable.

Speaker 31 All caps.

Speaker 37 Clearest, best handwriting of the night, and a catchy name.

Speaker 64 Make some noise for Honey Donowitz, everybody.

Speaker 37 Honey Donowitz.

Speaker 194 So, uh,

Speaker 204 I just think it's fucked up that our government cut funding to 20 billion children's food because they don't want to fuck fat kids.

Speaker 204 Like, I get it. I get it.
It's been hard out there for them. They're having to recalibrate a whole dating pool.

Speaker 204 The last time they had to get their own 11-year-olds, bulimia was still taught in school. They're just figuring some shit out.

Speaker 204 And, like, I don't think it would be necessarily better if you and I had never heard of Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 127 But, like,

Speaker 204 crazy shit's been happening ever since. You just know there's like some guys in the back room somewhere just like watching the headlines, seeing monarchies get called out.

Speaker 204 And they're just thinking to themselves, like, do we have another 9-11 in the chamber? And they did.

Speaker 67 They did.

Speaker 204 Jeffrey Epstein was arrested in June 2019, I believe. And

Speaker 204 December, we're starting to hear about COVID. March, we're shut down.
We don't even know who he is anymore. So

Speaker 204 that's just my conspiracy. Thank you.

Speaker 109 Honey Donowitz.

Speaker 25 Welcome to the show, honey.

Speaker 88 And you mentioned that the handwriting was really nice.

Speaker 33 It was. Yeah.

Speaker 110 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Handwriting is incredible.

Speaker 167 The joke writing, not so much.

Speaker 98 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 64 Honey, how long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 204 Six months. Okay.

Speaker 105 That's not bad.

Speaker 66 It's not good, but it's not bad.

Speaker 44 Where you been doing it, all in Austin?

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 19 What made you want to start now?

Speaker 204 So I got cancer, and then after I was.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 204 I have some moderately funny jokes about it, though.

Speaker 72 Okay.

Speaker 204 But after I got the all clear that I wasn't going to have to go through more procedures and things, I went to Creek in the Cave just to see if it felt good. And I bombed there, too, guys.

Speaker 204 So I couldn't.

Speaker 93 You did the open mic there.

Speaker 204 I did some mics there, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 106 What kind of cancer did you have?

Speaker 25 Is that okay?

Speaker 115 You mind talking about it?

Speaker 204 Yeah, I mean, I talk about it on stage. I had pussy cancer.

Speaker 65 Ooh, pussy cancer.

Speaker 180 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 73 How exactly does one get pussy cancer?

Speaker 204 Well, you see. Funny, you should ask.
Tampons are, they're made largely from recycled electronics, I do believe.

Speaker 204 There's something there.

Speaker 129 5G, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 138 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 21 Our senior tampon correspondent, Brian Redbam, mashed potatoes, bacon, Mormons, and tampons and buttholes.

Speaker 125 It's incredible.

Speaker 30 He gets it.

Speaker 120 So you were using like cheap tampons or how does it work?

Speaker 204 No, I was using like a name brand. And I'm not going to say it because like

Speaker 204 I'm not that good at this yet. I can't get sued.

Speaker 204 But I was using a brand of tampons, and that's the only thing that certain doctors can tie to why women my age have to get new pussies.

Speaker 65 And they kind of tell you, they're like, yeah, this happens with people that use these tampons.

Speaker 106 So,

Speaker 120 what would you recommend for the ladies out there with perfect pussies?

Speaker 175 What should they do?

Speaker 204 I'm going to be super fruitful because I had the surgery in Texas. They made me keep my period.
So, I still use the fucking tampon. I don't know what else to use.
Like, the cups are weird.

Speaker 80 No, the the cups are great

Speaker 48 in your garden.

Speaker 43 It helps the garden.

Speaker 166 Oh my god.

Speaker 111 Red band.

Speaker 204 Red band. What's TikTok like?

Speaker 129 Red band.

Speaker 133 You've tried the cup?

Speaker 204 Yeah, it freaked me out. It freaked you out.

Speaker 58 I don't even know what that's like.

Speaker 204 It's a fucking cup.

Speaker 72 Yeah. Did you put it right? I don't.

Speaker 50 Okay. Red bag could

Speaker 117 tell you.

Speaker 12 When you say they operated on your pussy, what exactly did they do?

Speaker 65 Can you describe exactly?

Speaker 204 So it's like this, right? Like a pussy.

Speaker 40 Yeah, they took out the rounds.

Speaker 28 This is all new to me.

Speaker 133 Are there balls attached or anything?

Speaker 204 Okay. Understand.
This can be confusing. It's more comparative to an ass for you.

Speaker 40 Right.

Speaker 133 So there's a pussy hole.

Speaker 133 And originally there's like a little something there.

Speaker 43 You had a little something.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 43 A little something peeking out, like a little, hello.

Speaker 204 I wouldn't say it was speaking quite yet.

Speaker 72 No, it wasn't. It was more of like a...

Speaker 60 I'm a cancer pussy.

Speaker 184 Yeah.

Speaker 198 Like that. Damn near.

Speaker 48 Okay.

Speaker 179 So then what did they do?

Speaker 82 What did they trim away or take out?

Speaker 204 Just like cut off a layer of it, like the, and then just like put a new graft on.

Speaker 153 Was it the outside?

Speaker 18 Sort of. Kind of the inside.
Yeah.

Speaker 187 How far inside?

Speaker 168 Like an inch.

Speaker 66 Okay. So perfect.

Speaker 97 So Red Band would have a brand new

Speaker 64 pussy to fuck.

Speaker 134 No.

Speaker 70 Dude, do anything with the cauliflower thing in there?

Speaker 140 Okay. All right.
We're going to.

Speaker 66 Red Band, turn off your microphone.

Speaker 204 I don't like have to answer him, right? What? I said, I don't have to answer him.

Speaker 95 No, you don't have to answer him.

Speaker 78 He's just here for the jokey jokes, kind of.

Speaker 78 And the more groans and ooze and ahs is his specialty.

Speaker 130 Okay, so

Speaker 60 did it hurt?

Speaker 84 Well, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 31 The cancer hurt.

Speaker 204 Not surprisingly. No, no.

Speaker 94 So how did you find out that you had pussy cancer?

Speaker 204 Okay, so um

Speaker 204 what stinks in here? No, I'm red band.

Speaker 56 Red band.

Speaker 3 What did I tell you?

Speaker 4 That is out of line.

Speaker 81 This lady is a survivor.

Speaker 30 That is a crazy thing to say.

Speaker 67 What stinks in here?

Speaker 12 It's not right. This is the only young lady that's been on this show.

Speaker 75 And if you ask questions, if you say things like that,

Speaker 32 women with pussy cancer aren't going to want to sign up for the show anymore.

Speaker 128 Did it stink? Did your pussy sink?

Speaker 197 More than anything, that's cheap writing, I think.

Speaker 204 Honestly, no, it didn't stink. But I was doing like a little bit of, you know, activities, and I noticed that it was hurting more and things weren't stretching as they should or whatever.

Speaker 204 Yeah, so I had to get that checked out.

Speaker 72 You went to a gynecologist and he's like,

Speaker 78 she.

Speaker 78 She. Oh.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Wow, that's risky.

Speaker 27 You may not have had cancer.

Speaker 198 I mean, I just, female doctors are.

Speaker 204 I've never met a man who could navigate a pussy. So I think that the bets were on the girlies on that one.

Speaker 69 But have you ever done the lazy dog?

Speaker 184 I heard about it just now.

Speaker 89 Did it with its hands.

Speaker 19 Okay, so how long ago did you survive pussy cancer?

Speaker 204 So that was like a year and a half ago.

Speaker 106 Fun fact, pussy cancer is my Wi-Fi password at home.

Speaker 17 42.

Speaker 204 That's the first time I've heard that.

Speaker 31 A year and a half ago.

Speaker 46 Wow. And then what's the first thing you did to celebrate not having pussy cancer anymore?

Speaker 204 No, like literally, it was going to Creek in the Cave at 5.45 p.m. and doing an open mic to seven guys who didn't think I was funny.
That's what I did to celebrate. That's how I landed here.
Wow.

Speaker 204 That's a true story. And then I left my family and moved here full-time to do this all the time.

Speaker 104 Wait, what kind of family did you leave?

Speaker 204 Children, dog.

Speaker 175 You left children?

Speaker 183 Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 204 But it's okay. I was raising boys.
They were going to get fucked up by me anyway. Boy moms are toxic.
And I was raising white boys. They could be shooters.
We're better this way.

Speaker 84 Wow, you just came to life there when you've been kind of reserved this whole time.

Speaker 101 And then you talk about abandoning your children.

Speaker 67 And all of a sudden, you're fucking Forrest Gump telling a whole story on a park bench.

Speaker 204 I do try to hide the accent a little bit. People think you're dumb if you're from here.

Speaker 37 No, yeah.

Speaker 177 Totally.

Speaker 48 So how old are your kids?

Speaker 204 Well, I don't think we need to write that down. Shit.

Speaker 17 No, I'm just

Speaker 86 a fun fact. I'm not writing it down.

Speaker 24 I just keep drawing over the word pussy cancer because it's fun.

Speaker 61 It's something I do here.

Speaker 105 Sometimes I just write over the same thing.

Speaker 204 They're 12 and younger.

Speaker 87 12 and younger.

Speaker 91 How many, when you say they, there's three of them.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 73 So

Speaker 104 where were you before exactly?

Speaker 204 San Antonio.

Speaker 29 San Antonio. So it's only an hour away.

Speaker 140 You're aware of that, right?

Speaker 123 It's literally

Speaker 133 a short drive.

Speaker 70 I love my children.

Speaker 64 There's a Bucky's.

Speaker 81 I visit.

Speaker 187 So Bucky's halfway there.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 82 Doesn't that entice you to go see your kids?

Speaker 30 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Don't you go, you know, I could visit my three kids and grab a bag of hot nuts on the way.

Speaker 123 Yeah.

Speaker 101 So when's the last time you saw your kids?

Speaker 204 Last week.

Speaker 50 Wow, okay. That's not that bad.

Speaker 129 No. It's pretty good.

Speaker 204 I'm a moderately decent mother.

Speaker 65 Okay, when you say moderately decent, what exactly do you mean?

Speaker 204 I mean that I moved here to pursue comedy, but like I love my children and I raise them well. I help pay for therapy.

Speaker 37 How many of them are, how many of the three are in therapy?

Speaker 204 Eventually all of them, but so far one.

Speaker 43 Okay, the oldest one?

Speaker 31 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 204 I think that's how it goes. All right.

Speaker 98 And they know about your pussy cancer?

Speaker 204 God, no, but now they will, because you too.

Speaker 17 Right.

Speaker 14 Oh, Red Ban.

Speaker 95 Do not, that is not the sound effect of her pussy.

Speaker 54 For those of you listening, it is indeed a swarm of flies flying around.

Speaker 71 That is...

Speaker 115 Mommy, why are you a butt stick?

Speaker 166 Oh, my God. Red Bam.

Speaker 134 I'm a little bit confused here.

Speaker 140 Yeah, go ahead. Ron White.

Speaker 143 So you have only done one other set, and that was at the Creek of the Cave?

Speaker 204 No, that's how it started. For the past four months, I have been like every single day doing these things.
Yeah.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 88 And what was it that... And so you moved to Austin just to do stand-up comedy?

Speaker 204 No, I have a day job. I'm not like living in my car or none of those kind of things.
I do work.

Speaker 191 What do you do for work?

Speaker 204 I run a sign company.

Speaker 47 What do you mean a sign company?

Speaker 204 We do like graphics and production for festivals and stuff. It's called Moulton Productions.
Okay.

Speaker 204 We're pretty cool.

Speaker 45 Okay.

Speaker 106 Does everyone that works there have a pussy cancer or something?

Speaker 101 Are you guys like, how do you all know each other?

Speaker 204 Well, you know, I am the only woman there, so I am isolated in that, but everyone is aware of it.

Speaker 75 Let me ask you one more question that I just thought of, because you said you got a skin graft, right so where did they take the skin from that's now on the first inch the entry point of your pussy i have to know where did they take the skin on your body from what is now the entryway to your pussy this is like an interesting thing because no matter what if someone puts their dick inside of that they're going through like what here we go it's just another part of my pussy i think that they understood how men might feel and they grafted from further inside the pussy so that it wouldn't be weird for any of the boys Wow.

Speaker 110 Yeah. That sounds painful.

Speaker 88 So they didn't use your heel or anything.

Speaker 63 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 204 Yeah.

Speaker 70 Exactly.

Speaker 18 Yo, this pussy smelled like a foot, bitch.

Speaker 18 Yo, this bitch got a stinky foot pussy.

Speaker 14 Oh, shit.

Speaker 62 Yo, why did a fingernail hanging out that pussy?

Speaker 19 Could have been your ear or something.

Speaker 66 You could have heard the dick going in and out somehow, some type of phantom.

Speaker 204 If I had gotten a dick, they would have taken skin from my thigh. I did find that out in my research, though.

Speaker 179 If you what did your what?

Speaker 204 If I had gotten a dick instead of a new pussy, right, yes. Because there's options on the table.

Speaker 183 Yes, I know. I looked into it.

Speaker 128 I was thinking about adding a dick.

Speaker 101 I was thinking about being too dick Tony over here.

Speaker 198 Too Dick Tony.

Speaker 133 Yeah, that was going to be my name.

Speaker 37 I had a big plan.

Speaker 145 Then they told me it would hurt, so I was out.

Speaker 204 Well, the hog science isn't there. It's only going to be like that big.

Speaker 73 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 98 What's your like, what kind of guys are you into?

Speaker 182 What's it? The baby daddy, is he...

Speaker 204 An anomaly.

Speaker 91 Yeah, what race is he?

Speaker 84 White. White.

Speaker 145 Oh, geez, you said it like a real racist.

Speaker 204 Well, okay, so here's the whole thing.

Speaker 115 Uh-huh.

Speaker 204 Not a ton of the people I've slept with are white.

Speaker 69 I can tell by the way you're shaped.

Speaker 204 And I knew that's what you wanted to get to.

Speaker 4 Yep.

Speaker 36 No doubt about it.

Speaker 204 So somebody told me to make that joke when I started comedy. They were like, if you get it out of the way, it saves everyone else the trouble.

Speaker 50 It's true.

Speaker 204 I helped you at least, right?

Speaker 183 No, I did it myself.

Speaker 18 I could have lied.

Speaker 73 In honor of the guys that love you, you're walking away with a big black joke book.

Speaker 21 Ladies and gentlemen, honey Donowitz has made her Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 146 Wow.

Speaker 39 All right.

Speaker 111 This is a long episode.

Speaker 112 We're doing one last bucket pull.

Speaker 37 We're going to get it up and out of here real quick.

Speaker 132 D-Men, this is furious.

Speaker 37 Ladies and gentlemen, your final final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Luke Rabel, everyone.

Speaker 165 Luke Rabel. Here we go.

Speaker 52 I got banned from a Mexican restaurant.

Speaker 52 There were no words on the menu, just pictures of the food. And I knew this was going to be the best meal of my life.

Speaker 51 Eat it all, having a good time.

Speaker 52 And then I feel the rumbling. The gurgle guts are upon me.
I stand up and it is detonating.

Speaker 40 Just bubba ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Speaker 114 make my way to the bathroom.

Speaker 52 I'm dilating. It is time for my metamorphosis.
I get in there. I sit down.

Speaker 106 My butt sneezed.

Speaker 52 Worst crap and cry of my life. 30 minutes of farting and sobbing.
Get up, push the handle, nothing happens.

Speaker 52 Push the handle again.

Speaker 115 Nothing happens.

Speaker 52 Well, I need to tell someone about this. And based on that menu, they don't speak a lot of English.

Speaker 114 So I go, El paño, El Pano.

Speaker 52 This guy follows me in.

Speaker 116 I point to it.

Speaker 141 I push the handle.

Speaker 114 And down it goes.

Speaker 52 I invited this poor immigrant to attend a funeral for my shit.

Speaker 116 Thank you.

Speaker 131 All right, Lou Grable.

Speaker 132 Welcome.

Speaker 21 I'm going to make this quick because we're in overtime.

Speaker 12 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 29 Uh, six months. Six months.

Speaker 26 What do you do for work?

Speaker 52 I work full-time at a grocery store.

Speaker 108 Okay, nice.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 75 I noticed you say grocery store.

Speaker 69 It's not HEB, or else you would probably say that, because you'd be proud of that, right?

Speaker 52 It's related to H-E-B.

Speaker 26 Whoa, a lot of winks there.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 99 What does that mean exactly?

Speaker 52 It means it rhymes with pentral carcass, but I don't know if I can say it online.

Speaker 87 Oh, all right, yeah.

Speaker 179 I don't know about that. What do you do at the grocery store?

Speaker 52 I work in their cafe area, so the people come in, they tell me what they want to eat.

Speaker 52 I hit a touch screen, line cooks make it, I hand it to them, and I smile like a good little Chick-fil-A manager the whole time.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 50 Do you work hard?

Speaker 69 Or are you a little lazy dog?

Speaker 123 I have

Speaker 52 such a guilty conscience.

Speaker 130 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Like, if I'm not doing something, I feel like, well, they hate me now, so we're going to go out there and we're going to make these people write me into their will if I have my way.

Speaker 12 Okie dokie, what made you want to start stand-up six months ago?

Speaker 48 How old are you?

Speaker 52 I am 27.

Speaker 107 27.

Speaker 26 What made you want to start now?

Speaker 52 Well, I moved here from Maryland and grew up in Frostburg, so it's like very small population.

Speaker 52 And there was a small theater there. And my friend was on the board of directors.
And he said, hey, I know you like doing stand-up. Would you be interested in doing doing a show here?

Speaker 52 And I said, Sure, how long do you need? And he said, Well, we need to justify opening the bar. So, if you can make it about 45 minutes, that'd help us a lot.

Speaker 26 And you had never done stand-up before?

Speaker 52 I did it when I was 17 for like a few minutes at a church picnic.

Speaker 106 Wow, okay, so you know, perfect, pretty much.

Speaker 52 Yeah, so I timed out everything I had, and I said, Hey, I got two hours, let's make it happen.

Speaker 52 So, went up there, did a two-hour set. It sold out, so I had a hundred people in there because everyone's desperate for entertainment.

Speaker 47 How did you sell it out?

Speaker 101 You just go, I'm doing stand-up.

Speaker 52 Just put it on Facebook, and it was kind of like, I know this person, who knows this person, who knows that person.

Speaker 52 Yeah, everyone's a third cousin.

Speaker 78 Okay.

Speaker 89 And then how did that go?

Speaker 84 Well, went really well.

Speaker 52 They were laughing the whole time. We sold out of the alcohol during the intermission.
I wore a Hawaiian shirt and I wore this hat.

Speaker 65 Wow. That is a wacky hat.

Speaker 60 There's no back to it.

Speaker 183 Turn around so that people can see.

Speaker 52 It's the assless chaps of hats.

Speaker 32 Okay. Is that one of your jokes?

Speaker 133 You do that.

Speaker 19 If you were doing a two-hour set, would you do that?

Speaker 60 Yes. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 112 What's the craziest thing about your life before I get you out of here?

Speaker 101 The thing that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show?

Speaker 97 Something perhaps from your childhood, your family?

Speaker 160 Anything at all?

Speaker 52 Based on what I've seen of the show thus far, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that's engaged.

Speaker 101 Okay, you're engaged right now.

Speaker 130 Yes, I am.

Speaker 175 Okay, where did you meet this girl?

Speaker 52 She was a setup from a mutual friend. I met her in an abandoned parking lot at 9 p.m.

Speaker 77 Last night?

Speaker 49 No, a little over a year ago.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 86 Yeah.

Speaker 133 9 p.m.

Speaker 46 was very specific.

Speaker 127 It was dark.

Speaker 31 Uh-huh.

Speaker 88 And it's not more specific than an abandoned parking lot.

Speaker 52 There used to be a high school there but they demolished it for some reason

Speaker 52 yeah

Speaker 88 I don't care

Speaker 68 what happened when you met her at that parking lot that night

Speaker 129 Luke well

Speaker 52 my friend didn't tell me what she looked like she didn't send me a picture so she got out of the car and I thought okay not bad for a silhouette I wonder what this girl's gonna look like

Speaker 52 So she came over, we started walking around this vacant lot, talking for a little bit. She said she wanted to race me, so both of us take off running.
She fell flat on her face. I thought, oh my God.

Speaker 52 I'm going to marry this girl, aren't I?

Speaker 88 Wow. Is that one of the jokes you did in that two-hour deck?

Speaker 52 No, that was before I met her. Oh.

Speaker 87 Wow. Amazing.
Okay, Luke.

Speaker 87 All right.

Speaker 25 Did you guys fuck in that parking lot that night?

Speaker 115 No.

Speaker 65 You just kissed?

Speaker 163 Yeah.

Speaker 67 Nice. Here you go, Luke.

Speaker 31 There you go.

Speaker 123 Thank you.

Speaker 18 All right.

Speaker 178 There goes Luke Rapel, everybody.

Speaker 166 Yeah, I tried to get one more up here and make it interesting.

Speaker 181 You're a sweet boy, Luke.

Speaker 44 Sign up again sometime.

Speaker 98 There you go.

Speaker 169 There he goes. Luke Raple, everybody.

Speaker 37 If you could have told me that, it would be hard.

Speaker 30 I would have guessed that was the Mormon guy, right?

Speaker 181 Like a sweet boy.

Speaker 41 Yeah, we just raced on our first date

Speaker 177 in an abandoned parking lot.

Speaker 22 I gotta tell you, William has been sick the last couple weeks,

Speaker 18 but

Speaker 18 he's back.

Speaker 62 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Hall of Famer with the record for all-time appearances and interviews on this show. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler.

Speaker 62 This is the return of William Montgomery.

Speaker 13 I met her in a dark parking lot and I fell in love with her and I killed her in the parking lot.

Speaker 49 Scientists have developed a way for people with severe lung problems to breathe in and out through their butt.

Speaker 8 Red man, I can see that you are doing that right now

Speaker 8 with your sickened ass bitch.

Speaker 49 I went out to the Middle East to perform for the troops, and it's crazy because I had no idea I had such a big following in the Taliban.

Speaker 49 One time in Chicago, some guy gave me AIDS.

Speaker 13 My buddy has a foot

Speaker 49 My buddy has a foot fetish and for Halloween he dressed up as Quentin Tarantino.

Speaker 49 He went to a Halloween party and there was a girl dressed up as Bigfoot and she ended up pressing charges because he wouldn't leave her alone.

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 138 Wow.

Speaker 109 What a relief to have William Montgomery back.

Speaker 20 The big red machine.

Speaker 13 is fully operational yet again.

Speaker 97 You've been out for a few weeks.

Speaker 49 I was very sick at Tony. It's actually very sad because I messed up my sciatic nerve again.
So I haven't been able to row for five days. So we'll see what happens.

Speaker 120 You love your row machine. You've rowed many miles almost enough

Speaker 107 around the world, people are saying.

Speaker 49 Yeah, that's 1,400 miles. Yes, I've been almost around the world.

Speaker 49 Almost around the world this year, 1,400 fucking miles. Google it, whatever.
It's around the world. The circumference of the earth, 1,400 miles.

Speaker 49 I've done it on the row machine, so it is pretty impressive. I think that's why I messed up my sciatic nerve.
I almost got it into the 38-minute time period this past week, and I was almost there.

Speaker 49 In my last stroke, I pulled, I just did it really hard, and then I felt it, something pop in my back, and I

Speaker 49 got up and tried to stretch, and I felt woozy, and it's a real hurt. That was amazing.

Speaker 75 And that was recent.

Speaker 49 That was in the last. Yeah, that was Thursday.

Speaker 18 That was Thursday, but you were out two Mondays in a row.

Speaker 107 Tell us about this little ailment that you had.

Speaker 49 God, Tony, I mean, it was, I was coughing, I was coughing a bunch of stuff up, and

Speaker 49 I was real sick. And Tony, if I'm going to be honest with you,

Speaker 49 I was pretty sick, but I was also, every now and again, I'm just not feeling very funny. And I hadn't been feel, I wasn't feeling funny.
And now my sciatic nerves all fucked up.

Speaker 49 And I'm telling everybody I got fucking AIDS up in fucking Chicago. I mean, it was literally a couple of weeks ago, some dude fucking gives me AIDS up in Chicago, whatever.

Speaker 49 So, that really isn't helping any of the seriously, Ron. I mean, it's bad, and my fucking sciatic nerve hurts.
And

Speaker 49 Red Band looks as stupid as ever, and those glasses and those plastic-looking clown glasses that you wear. What are those things? They look real plasticky and cheap and stupid.
What are those?

Speaker 60 Yeah, what are those?

Speaker 106 They're glasses.

Speaker 156 They're glasses.

Speaker 49 God, you always sound like a monster to me.

Speaker 20 But Tony, I did my longest set last night in Louisville, Kentucky.

Speaker 49 I did 56 minutes.

Speaker 199 It's the longest I've ever done.

Speaker 9 I never done that.

Speaker 49 It was also in front of maybe the smallest crowd I've done

Speaker 49 comedy in front of him in a while. It was probably 30 people or something.
But Tony, I felt real comfortable. So I got to figure that out.

Speaker 49 I got to figure out how to get that comfortable in front of any size crowd because I was

Speaker 49 felt good. Yeah, 56 minutes, four more minutes, and I would have hit an hour, but

Speaker 49 maybe someday.

Speaker 96 You know, Tony, there was a personal trainer here last week, and he wanted to talk to you really bad because he said that the rowing that you're doing is really bad for your health, actually.

Speaker 40 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 96 What do you mean? I don't know. He was saying something like it's really bad for your health.

Speaker 49 So what? He wants me to turn out like you're fucking fat,

Speaker 140 man.

Speaker 6 Like he said it was.

Speaker 49 You could die soon, you fucking idiot. So what? I need to just stop doing the row machine, you fucking nasty person.
Seriously, shut up, dumbass.

Speaker 117 That's part of the reason.

Speaker 49 I start feeling kind of sick, and then I think, God, I'm going to see fucking Red Band's fucking stupid ass up there. And I swear to God, it tips the scale for me not wanting to be here.

Speaker 13 I swear to God.

Speaker 49 I swear to God, Red Band. It tips the scale just so much.
Like, if I'm kind of feeling sick, and then I'm thinking about your stupid ass, I think, no way.

Speaker 49 And then I have to call Tony and it's awkward, but it's because of you, Red Band.

Speaker 184 Wow.

Speaker 68 You know, a little fun fact is that that...

Speaker 37 Oh, he's a thinking man over here.

Speaker 133 Oh, poopy butthole mashed potatoes.

Speaker 31 All right.

Speaker 138 So

Speaker 183 a fun fact about the first two weeks ago when you called out sick for the first time is, I believe it was Michael Gonzalez or somebody sent us a picture of you post-workout that day, which we found interesting.

Speaker 75 So it kind of...

Speaker 49 I know.

Speaker 49 God,

Speaker 49 I was worried. I was thinking, Tony's caught my ass.

Speaker 66 Yeah, I did.

Speaker 89 Because people are like, I don't know why he's sick.

Speaker 75 Check out this picture of him earlier.

Speaker 26 And it's crazy because when we met William, I mean, holy shit, he was so bloated and so fucking.

Speaker 49 It was seven years ago. I swear to God, it's almost been seven years I've been doing this show, like this week or last week or something.
Seven years.

Speaker 58 And I saw this picture of you and you're fucking ripped.

Speaker 175 Would it be too much?

Speaker 49 No, no, no, no. I'm not doing that.

Speaker 49 I'm on two hours of sleep.

Speaker 111 The abs are unbelievable.

Speaker 9 You don't have those abs?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 146 Tony!

Speaker 39 It's them. They want abs.

Speaker 8 You want two hours of sleep.

Speaker 49 No, I don't feel good. I still don't feel good.

Speaker 8 I'm on two hours of sleep.

Speaker 11 I'm doing it.

Speaker 150 Why did you only have two hours of sleep?

Speaker 49 Because my flight back to Austin was so early. I always try to get on back to Austin and then I just stay up.

Speaker 49 I was up there 56 minutes. I was so pumped after that.
So I stayed awake for hours.

Speaker 181 What did you do?

Speaker 53 What did somebody say? Boo!

Speaker 17 God!

Speaker 17 Boo!

Speaker 17 Take it off!

Speaker 179 What did you do when you were awake all night?

Speaker 79 What do you do?

Speaker 93 You are just on your phone or do you do something in bed?

Speaker 99 Do you count sheep?

Speaker 175 The people want to know.

Speaker 46 These people have been watching you for almost seven years.

Speaker 98 Every week, they see you and they want to know what a guy like William does while he's laying in bed.

Speaker 157 We've talked about everything, we've talked about your favorite board games, your favorite puzzles, your favorite snacks, your favorite vegetables.

Speaker 48 We've covered it all.

Speaker 114 Oh my god, Tony, you know what offended me the other day?

Speaker 49 Well, something when you were just talking like that to me, somebody, I'm talking to somebody up where we do the workout stuff, and I'm talking to this guy.

Speaker 11 Uh,

Speaker 49 and we're having just this regular conversation, and out of nowhere, he says, Do you have a learning disability?

Speaker 2 Hell yeah, he does.

Speaker 117 And I just walked away.

Speaker 29 What would make him ask a question like that?

Speaker 49 I don't know.

Speaker 158 I don't know.

Speaker 49 I've been doing self-reflecting.

Speaker 114 I don't know. Do I have a learning disability, Tony?

Speaker 13 I don't know.

Speaker 166 Red man's nodding his head. Of course he does.

Speaker 17 Who would you think I have?

Speaker 4 Because you can't show him your abs because you're tired.

Speaker 164 Your abs are tired.

Speaker 117 You can't show your abs right now.

Speaker 117 Just be weird.

Speaker 135 Let me ask you this: Would it make you feel better if Red Band showed his abs first?

Speaker 9 Oh,

Speaker 33 look at the little giggler over here.

Speaker 62 Come on, look. Troy's got his camera out.

Speaker 9 This is gonna be a magical moment.

Speaker 14 Red Band, Red Band, Red Band, Red Band.

Speaker 14 The crowd wants it.

Speaker 16 Red Band, Red Band.

Speaker 131 No.

Speaker 117 Stand next to me.

Speaker 49 Stand next to me.

Speaker 185 Come on.

Speaker 16 Come on.

Speaker 166 Stand next to him.

Speaker 14 Stand next to me, Doug.

Speaker 9 Come on, Red Band.

Speaker 14 Come on.

Speaker 61 It can't be worse than what we already have in our imaginations of what your abs would look like.

Speaker 70 No.

Speaker 96 I'm unshaven right now.

Speaker 85 Maybe it's.

Speaker 8 Do you think that matters?

Speaker 39 I don't know if that's better or worse.

Speaker 156 Whoa, look at that.

Speaker 28 Can you just show me a little bit from under the table?

Speaker 70 Oh, my God.

Speaker 70 Oh, my God.

Speaker 70 Oh, my God.

Speaker 64 Dude, you might have pussy cancer, bro.

Speaker 137 All right.

Speaker 49 William. So nice to be back, Tony.

Speaker 45 We are so happy that you're back off of two hours of sleep, and yet you did it again.

Speaker 122 Unbelievable material, sneaky little deliveries and treats.

Speaker 46 The Chicago AIDS thing in the middle, I love.

Speaker 75 Just a funny setup.

Speaker 101 And on to the next one.

Speaker 49 I was hoping that was going to work because if I couldn't get the beginning part, then I was just seeing there are times where then it just snowballs and nobody's laughing at any of it.

Speaker 49 But it was so fun tonight, Tony.

Speaker 114 Thank you so much.

Speaker 37 Everybody loves William Montgomery, and you did it again, William.

Speaker 9 Go see him on Torres. During his longest sets, the baby boy is all grown up.

Speaker 176 The Hall of Famer, William Montgomery.

Speaker 166 The drawing from Ryan J.

Speaker 112 Evelt is in, and it's fucking awesome.

Speaker 72 It's Ron White.

Speaker 22 That is cool as fuck.

Speaker 20 Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up tonight.

Speaker 30 Oh, is that Davatelle?

Speaker 5 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 80 Another one of the goats.

Speaker 43 Davitel, one of the best in the world, if not thee.

Speaker 60 Along with the great Ron White, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 20 Catch him.

Speaker 49 On tour.

Speaker 5 Every once in a great while.

Speaker 64 Lucky Oklahoma has them on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 19 Tickets at Tatorsalad.com.

Speaker 109 I'll say it again.

Speaker 37 Ron started this gangster shit in Austin, Texas, and it's going to be fucking written about in history books.

Speaker 28 People are making fucking YouTube documentaries from what I understand about Austin every day.

Speaker 125 So that's a fucking, that's a thing.

Speaker 82 We're having a blast here.

Speaker 28 Ron White, and then Joe Rogan.

Speaker 46 Tony, Segura, Christina P., Duncan Trussell, Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker.

Speaker 121 Uh, fucking, it goes on and on.

Speaker 27 Like, it's absolutely crazy the amount of talent that is here all the time.

Speaker 79 It's unbelievable. And now you got your Dedrick Flynn added to the mix.

Speaker 101 It's so exciting to watch everything happen in real time.

Speaker 28 Shout out to Marcus King who joined the band all night tonight.

Speaker 80 One more time his brand new album Darling Blue is unbelievable.

Speaker 13 I have a copy of it.

Speaker 5 It's on my vinyl record player right now.

Speaker 37 It is fucking unbelievable.

Speaker 9 Thank you to Sean Greenberg and the rest of the best stamp band in the land.

Speaker 20 Red Band. Check out the SunsetStripATX.com.

Speaker 5 I love you guys.

Speaker 182 Very few tickets left for New Year's Eve at the Moody Center. We hear you people say I try to get tickets all the time, but you can't get tickets.

Speaker 164 Well, you can get tickets for New Year's Eve.

Speaker 5 Why spend it anywhere else? Come to Austin, Texas, the capital of bars per capita, the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 62 We love you. Thank you.
Good night.

Speaker 83 Thank you.

Speaker 205 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 205 Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Speaker 205 Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.com for tickets.