#746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Here we go. This is it.
Every single week I have two of the best guests on Planet Earth, two of the best comedians, ladies and gentlemen, this is a special one. Both returning guests.

One of them, is a returning guest of the year, a multi-layer guest of the year Hall of Famer with another one of my favorite comedy store comics of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

You're here for a special episode. This is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards.

Adam Ray

live in the flesh.

Ian Edwards, let's let's go.

It's all happening, people.

Ian Edwards' new special untitled is now on YouTube under Ian Edwards stand-up. You must check it out.
Ian is a legend, comedy store super regular.

And, I mean, him and I have been doing the thing goddamn forever. The old, the old, uh, and the new book, well, the old bookers of the comedy store used to have us side by side all the time.

10.15, 10.30, 10.45, 11, 9.45, 10. So we are brothers in this.
Welcome back, Ian.

Make sure you check out his. My pleasure.
My pleasure.

What can I say? This guy reminds me of Dr. Phil.
He reminds me of Elaine. He reminds me of Jeremy.
He reminds me of me.

Of me.

This

is the Hall of Fame guest of the year, Adam Ray.

Absolute royalty around these parts

indeed

Perhaps not unarguably one of the greatest guests of all time love the show. Thanks for the intro got in today

Shaved red bands back an hour before the show

and Just fired up to be here man. What a night it is going down the who is me theater tour Adam Ray's first giant theater tour January through April.

Get tickets at adamraycomedy.com And the final ever, they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times, the last ever Dr. Phil Live is happening December 16th.
That's a real way to do it.

You're like Floyd Mayweather Jr. You're like, this is my last fight.
Yeah. You're going to have to get it.
It's like that McRib.

Yeah. Yeah, the McRib's never coming back after this.

You're going to be putting on that fucking bald cap for the rest of your life, dude. I'm probably going to die in it.

Yeah, this will be the last one for a bit until you call Colin.

Until what? Until you come, Colin. We'll do one more time.
That's right. Absolutely.
No doubt about it. How about one more time for Adam, Ray, and Anne Edwards?

Two of the best guests to ever do it. And so they know how it works.
Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show. You know how it works.

Their time is up. You hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Hell yes. How exciting.
I'm going to let this gentleman with a drawn-on hairline

of the night. I didn't want to say anything.
Hell yeah. This guy, show up.
This guy's got a sharpie of a haircut.

Welcome, sir.

He looks dangerous. He looks like he has a stabbable weapon in his pocket.
It's going to be fun.

While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner Martin Phillips everybody and like that the show has begun

this is kill Tony brought to you by blue chew and quote

what's up okay cool

I was in, I was in Vegas.

When people play poker, everyone has their tell.

My My tell

is when I accidentally drop on my card

and go, don't look, nobody look,

time out. Okay, come on, get me.

And then

as I brought my own gun to the roulette table, you know,

I really

really needed to be 21.

Okay.

When I used to work in their little school, I would get a lot of advice from their little school girls. And one of them told me, she said, if you like someone,

you should

find out where they live

and let them know.

And I said, Martin,

I'm not doing that again.

I can't go back.

Martin Phillips

getting us started with a bang.

Is that true, Martin? Do you play poker sometimes? No, I saw it. No.
Oh, okay.

We went today because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

I was just building chips now. I'm like,

let's see what happens. They don't have rules on the table, okay? Just for dumb people.

Okay.

Ian Edwards, what do you think? Yeah, I would love to play polka with you.

I don't even play, but I this will be the first time I'll win.

Beginner's luck. Have you played craps before? Oh, of course, baby.

I knew the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that.

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

What's your favorite game in Vegas? What do you tend to do when you're there?

Slots.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's that supposed to mean? Yeah, what is that supposed to mean?

Martin. Is that true about the

middle school thing? Oh yeah,

yeah, there used to be

every day she would ask me, oh Mr. Phillips, do you have a girlfriend? And I was always like, shut the fuck up.

That's none of your business.

I get this. Her boyfriend, she said she had a boyfriend, but he went to a different school.

Yeah, I was like, bitch, I heard that before. You made that shit up.

How's your current love life going? You're a big superstar now. I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk.
I have a very distinct

figure, you know. Yeah.

It's hard to hide, you know?

Yeah. You have a lot of fangirls coming up to you, Charlie? No, not too many, nothing, nothing crazy, yeah.

It's never the ones you want, you know.

Can you describe what those look like? Yeah.

Just for their.

I think you can imagine.

Okay, okay, I didn't say that. Come on.

But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right?

Yeah, once in a blue, you know,

I'm low-key, baby.

Okay.

Keep it.

Keep it on the DL, dude. I don't want

you still out there, you know.

Let's chill, you know?

Keep it real.

I love it.

Where do you get a shirt like that from? Where exactly do you get a shirt?

If I stare at that.

if I stare at that long enough, will I see a sailboat or something? Like, what exactly is going on there?

It's got principal on a safari vibes. But it's nice.
It fits. It's a cool shirt.
Yeah.

Literally, though, I genuinely know.

I do. Every few buttons I do this thing called a stitch fix where they send me clothes and I go I have my own stylist.

They you send me clothes. I go through and go, oh, this is nice.
Oh, amazing. And that's that's my secret.
You're doing a commercial for Stitch Fix. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Promo code.

People have been asking for you to do me.

So

yeah. Or just, are you talking outside? People want me to fuck.
Wait, what do you mean by that?

I got to read the comments.

Thanks so much.

You were in between the lines.

Wow.

Okay.

Well, if I am going to go gay, it will be with a cripple.

That was my high school yearbook quote.

Wow.

Sick.

Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Mark?

You know, I'm...

Talk to you guys. Okay, I didn't even talk to him.
I didn't fuck you to say anything.

I'm thinking, okay, I have to think.

I can think out loud. It's the noise when he's processing.

He's like old internet dialogue.

You said you didn't do impression. Come on, that's the only one I do.

I know how to do it. Somebody just did you.

Yeah.

So, what else is going on, Martin? I don't know. I'm always, always somewhere traveling.
I'm all over at the place. Come see me and you're nearest to me.
Hell yeah. Come check it out.

You're a superstar. Yes.

You know,

I don't know the health

is going to work, but

I had sent multiple videos by people. You ate sand at multiple theaters by people? Why would you eat sand at theaters by people?

You knew what I said. No, I don't.
I really don't. Can you repeat it as a trip?

I

get

sent

multiple videos

from people. Ooh.
And sometimes it's like

another...

cripple guy that looks like me but sometimes i get this this has been sent more than once it's like

frequency healing where you have like a

frequency thing and if you put it to me I just shake all the way out and

so

I bought you

oh my god

it's time for the frequency thing and Martin Phillips.

He can't get it out of the bag.

So

we hit this. Uh-huh.
And apparently he put it to me. He'll just shake everything out.

And I am, you know, super, super man.

Can we do it? Let's do it. Let's heal me.
Let's heal Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. With the right vibration, anything is possible.
Here goes Adam Ray, our very always active panelist

It's not gonna it's not gonna give it to us right

Ian Edwards

I don't want all of us leaving here

You don't know where the frequency waves are gonna go, you know

I have no idea how it works, but

I've seen

something from the separate market. That way.
Okay. Hold on.

Put it up to the microphone.

Put it up to the microphone, Adam. Here we go.

Oh, he looks calm. Whoa, he stopped shaking.
Whoa.

Oh.

Is it working?

Oh my god, you seem still.

No more eating sand outside of theaters for you.

Okay, do it and then dodge me with it. Yeah.

I thought you'd never ask.

You feel better?

I think.

This is quite the science experiment.

This is great.

I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode.

That's a good start. It's a good start.
We'll keep doing it. Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it or else it might get damaged or something.

You have to keep that tuner in tip-pop shape.

It's there a.

How's everybody feel?

Hell yeah. Normal? All right.

How do you feel?

I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight.

You're like the most handsome, cerebral palsy person I've ever met. You really are.

I've never asked

a handicapped person for their skin regimen before.

A natural baby.

I don't know.

I don't know if we've ever.

It went both ways, but I got the skin part.

I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off. Can you look out there and take your glasses off real fast? Either way.
Oh, a little disclaimer incoming here.

I was going to say these are new glasses. Oh.
These are my liberal cut glass. Yeah.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

My God.

Unbelievable. Getting bitches.

Martin, you've done it again. You got the show started for us.
It's not easy opening this show, and you did it yet again.

One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here. Some of these people are completely insane.

Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy, waiting to be discovered. Some people sign up once they get up.
Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck.

Anything can happen. You're watching it all live.
Your first bucket pull of the night is John Cheney with an uninterrupted minute.

John Cheney, here we go.

In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. They said, keep your friends close and enemies closer.

Can't get any closer than inside of them.

That didn't pay off in Iraq so much.

Let's see, what else we want to talk about tonight? I'm nervous as hell, y'all. I did bad on this last time a few years ago.

I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but

let's just put it this way: My ex,

if she was a cross-breed of dogs, she'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull.

Nobody?

Nobody? A wiener pit? Nobody? Nobody got that?

Okay.

Speaking of kids, I got three of them.

When

my oldest was four, a long time ago, he's in college now, but

For Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber.

Because what scare you're knocking on your door? The 15th Spider-Man of the Evening? Or a four-year-old Pakistani kid in a man dress in a suicide vest?

That instead of saying trick-or-treat, it's yelling, a la snack bar.

A la, a la, snack bar there at the end from John Cheney. It's a good punchline.
You have three kids, John? Yes, I do. And it appears as though you have triplets on the way as well.
At least. least.

I love it. You were on this show a few years ago, you said? Yeah.
And it didn't go good. Well, the interview went well.
Okay.

What did we talk about in the interview? Your Pakistani ex-wife? No, not, I mean, like, a little bit, but. Are you still with her? Fuck no.
Okay. That didn't last long.
How long did that last?

12 years. 12 painful years.
Okay.

But

no, we talked about...

Me seeing a watching a guy fuck a goat. That was the highlight of it.
Saw a guy fuck a goat? Yeah, in Iraq. Yeah.
Oh, okay. The bad guy.
Well, the bad guy's fucked. It wasn't an American soldier.
No.

Right. I hope not.
Yeah.

That'd be weird. So, what's been going on since then, John? How old are you? I am 43.
How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is like my fourth or fifth time. Fourth or fifth time ever on stage? Yeah.
And you were on years ago? A few years ago, yeah. I was living in northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere.

I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I could move here. I had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me.
Oh, okay. Made it happen.

I moved here this past Saturday. Congratulations.
Look at you, John Cheney.

Moving to Austin.

All right, John. Hell yeah, Ian.
I think you're funny. You're just nervous as shit.
You're shaking more than the first guest. Yeah, it is true.

It is true. That's bad.
That's bad. You are very nervous, right? Very nervous, yeah.
You watch the show regularly? Yes. And you're in it right now.
Of course. So now you're in the interview portion.

right what do you think you didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time you've had years to think about it yeah

let's see uh i don't know if they'll find it interesting but uh i spent talk right into the tip of that i spent some time uh in um where you're from youngstown what were you doing in youngstown you know uh the lincoln place

yeah yep was there for a while what were you doing at lincoln place uh just got put in there by the court wait what is lincoln place Place? That was that.

I thought it was like a shopping mall, but no. No, no, no.
It was a rehabilitation center

for kids. Teens.
Well, why were you put there? The courts put me there.

They put you in a rehabilitation center for teens. Yes.
So when you were a teen, this happened. Yeah, I was 17 at the time.
Okay, got it. That was a rough sense.

All right.

Mike, what have you done in the last few years, John? You've had time to think. Well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center.

That'd be fun. I bet it would be, you creepozoid.
Look at this guy. Kill them, kids.
You sure you weren't the guy who fucked the goat?

Not that night. Not that night.
You said you're 43, right? Yes. I'm 43.
Okay. You look like my dad.
Yeah. Yeah.

Look, two trips to Iraq will do that to you. Yeah, for sure.
Okay, so yeah. Just life is weathered you down.
Yeah, three kids, bad marriage. Dude, enough sex.
Destroy you. Three.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah. You're like Burt Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine.

That checks out.

Definitely checks out.

That was funny.

You look like Bert if all of his potatoes were fully loaded.

All right.

John, what are you doing for work nowadays? Retired military. Retired military.
And tell us, what else did you see in Iraq? Tell us what it's like being an American hero.

And by that, I mean the sandwich.

Not a hero.

It's boring most of the time. Yeah.

It's not action every day.

Right. What exactly did you do in the military? I was artillery.
Okay. You ever shoot anybody?

Well, I mean, we shoot at people. It's artillery.

Kind of shooting in the general direction and trying to take out... It's trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole.
So what did you do, miss, motherfucker?

Shot at people. I fucking sucked.

We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us where to shoot, and we just shoot that general direction.
Were you shaking like this when you were shooting? Yeah.

Sometimes. No wonder the war took this long.
You missed it. Yeah.

We talked about it last time. I was a drill sergeant also.

Oh, okay. I wasn't always like this.

I looked like I ate myself.

It's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself, John.
Are your kids big too, normally? Not at all. Healthy kids.
Very, very much so. All straight A students, nerds.
It's weird.

I don't know where the big kids are. What's so packed? Do they seem Pakistani? My oldest does.

The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though.
Wow.

All right. So they're 50.

Do you see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that?

They're 50-50 you and Pakistani, so that makes them snack packs. Am I correct?

Sure.

All right, John. Well, fun times.
Welcome back. You're getting there.
You got a little joke book last time, I'm guessing, right? Big. You got a big one? Yep.
Well, this time you're getting

this time. You're getting a medium one.
I was in the giving mode last time, John. John Cheney.

Oh, my God. This guy was fighting for our country over the sea.
Can't even catch it.

Oh, okay. There he goes.
How about a hand for John Cheney? Just moved here this week. That's what I'm talking about.
Some of these people sign up for a year straight. They don't get on.

Oh, my God.

There she is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.
Her show, Love on the Line, is at HeidiRegina.com.

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Your second bucket pull is ready. This looks like a new name.
Let's see if it is. Make some noise for Michael Hines, everyone.
We're gonna meet Michael all together.

I want to be the strong, silent type like John Wayne, but I'm really more of a fat, gay clown like John Wayne Gacy.

I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else.

the two things taking jobs in this country are AI and hola

I think marriage is a lot like hitting women if you think you would never do it you probably just haven't met the right girl

my opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't unless it's mine because I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet

So, you know, same as every guy.

Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? He's the original crossfitter.

A lot of quick jokes. There he goes.
Michael Hines.

You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back, Michael.
Thank you very much. How did that feel compared to last time? Last time went pretty well, too, Tony.
You're doing good, Michael.

Thank you. Hell yeah.
Remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up? Just over two and a half years. Two and a half years.
What do you do for work? I'm a realtor's assistant, open houses and stuff.

Wow.

Put on a nice shirt. Okay, Adam Ray.
You look like you're going to shoot up a bass pro shop. Yeah.

It does. That is exactly what he looks like.
So I think I have a concussion right now.

How'd you get a concussion?

On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on Frontage Road, I got rear-ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour. Whoa, I also got rear-ended by a guy today.

Okay.

What ethnicity was the guy that hit you? Take a guess, Tony. No, I'm going to let you just say it.

Welcome back to America's Most Racist Game Show. Yeah, I am.
Take a guess, Tony. Yeah.

No way. I just ask the great questions, and that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist.
Hey, man, that's not my fault. If anything, it's on that guy.
He's not doing a good job.

I'm gonna ask you again: what ethnicity was the guy that hit you, Michael? The world wants to know. He was white.

I'm staying out of this one. He was not.
Let's we all, Michael, answer the fucking question, you idiot.

There you go. We know this.
No, I didn't know that, Michael. It could have been Asian, too.

Let me ask you this: wouldn't have run. Okay, did

the

wow

wow

where's martin's fucking tranquilizer thing or

did he run he rear-ended you and then took off well he apologized first and then he got out of there

he got out of his car apologized pulled his window down i got out of my car and he said my bad bro and whipped out of there wow

Damn. Was your car damaged? Fuck yeah, it's damaged.
He was going 50 miles an hour. How do you know it was exactly 50? You keep saying 50.

Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit, and the speed limit's 40.

Guess, goddamn. Ian Edwards.
I think the guys here just didn't want to miss kill Tony. Yeah.

Yeah, he may have signed up well. We're gonna find out later.
He's gonna be like, yay, I rear-ended a guy. I had to get here.
It's been a crazy day.

I rear-ended some bitch-ass nerd before I got here.

interesting. Interesting.
What?

What kind of car was he driving? Red Band wants to know.

Some silver shitty

1990 something. I don't know.
I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you? I don't know.
You just Rainman guessed the miles per hour three times.

I think you have some idea. Fair enough.
Your jokes are really funny. Thank you.
Yeah, very funny, Michael. What else is going on in life? Tell us more about your private personal life.

We want to know. You know, I've just been trying to lose weight, Tony.
I'm a pretty big fat pig right now. Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking...

Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony. Okay, Michael.

How have you been trying to lose weight?

Just working out and stuff, but my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I can't. I used to run and do hard shit, but now I'm a big pussy and my knees hurt.

You were in the Marine Corps? Yes, sir. What's up with all these fat veterans coming into the

Jesus Christ did you fuck a goat a goat no

I just fucked ugly girls domestically I didn't go abroad

he's doing it Michael Kines

Tell us about your time in the military. What did you do over there? Thank you for your service.

It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp, the pandemic happened.
So I ended up spending, I went on to my next training schools.

There was a six-week water survival school, and I was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals.

They hated Ron DeSantis, so they were like, if you leave the base, you're going to get sick. And we just weren't allowed to train for 14 months.
We did a lot of cleaning, running the beach.

It was kind of nice.

But a big waste of time. Wow.

Is that how you hurt your knees? Yeah.

Log runs and crawling up hills and other bullshit that we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of fuck me up.
Well, we were trying to get you guys drunk, but you kept eating all the gushers.

Joe Biden, that's right.

This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the motion.

Running on the sandy beaches of Florida.

What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael. Thank you guys.
I appreciate it. Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here.
What's your love life like right now, Michael?

You seem like a real fucking creep.

I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so it's more of a one-and-done kind of deal.
Okay.

And they're not that good-looking either, so I'm not bragging. Right.
It's just what it is.

Welcome to another episode of The Girls I Hook hook up with aren't good looking, starring everyone.

So this girl three weeks ago, where'd you meet her at? At a show, at the Narbar comedy. Wow, okay.

So what exactly happened? She came up to you after your set?

Yeah, she was a, you know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes. She probably could have, she probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking?

She was a beautiful Latina, Tony, down by the border.

And I raw dogged her. Okay.
It was pretty cool.

Wow.

Where did this take place at? You took her back to your place? Oh, hell yeah, Tony. I don't got no roommates.
And then, so what happens? You walk her in.

What do you do? Do you offer her a drink or something? Take us through the exact order of events at your home. What's it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines? Here.

I'm getting word that the world wants to know. Can I be the girl? Yeah.
All right, so let's set the scene. I'm the girl.
Give me some romantic music, guys.

Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess, apartment. Is that what you call it?

Yes, I do. What? Yes, I do call it an apartment.
Oh.

Remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm going to fuck you because you don't want to fart? I do remember saying that.

By the way, by the way, you crushed at the Narbar Narbar comedy show. Thank you.
I appreciate it.

I'm gonna finish that burger, and then I'm gonna plow you.

Okay, but don't don't record me like you did the whole Uber ride over here.

Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that, you know? Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill.

Which was my plan B that I dropped, so it's on me. Perfect, yeah.

Which, where do you want to go, by the way? Like, do you have a bedroom or just this futon?

Well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor. What a weird way to say you have a bed.

The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall. Oh my God.

I didn't know there was a Goonies 2.

Where the fuck did you get that?

You must mean business.

He tries to distract her from the Goonies 2 poster.

Girl, let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a bitch.

Wait, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't like that type of language unless you're fucking myself. Actually, you do.
Oh, okay.

Am I being practical jokers right now?

So, you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike?

Hill Country Farm Diet Root Beer.

Wow.

Someone's trying to lose 10 pounds.

Ooh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda. It's a guilty pleasure.
You're a guilty pleasure.

Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms? No.
I knew that.

I knew that by the poster next to the Goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything.

So I guess I'll take my pants off. You better.

Whoa.

Jesus. But in a loving and affectionate way after consent.

Very cool. Cover your bases.
Good job, Michael. Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape.
Yeah.

You're going to have to get on top and do most of this, to be honest, because a lot of me's in really bad shape.

I hope my fupa doesn't bother you.

I'm going to lick that fupa guy. I'll bring it over here.

Wow.

All right. This is out of control.
This party is crazy. I don't know how.
What do you say after you finish? Thank you. Wow.

Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines.

Only on Netflix can you see something like Michael Hines raw dogging a Latina fan from Narbar. Do you mind if my black friend watches?

Girl, I thought we both knew he was. I left halfway through.

It's the worst porn I ever heard in my life.

So did you ever spend the night or did she leave that night? I ubered her out of there, Tony. Wow, Michael.
Uber X?

No, I don't know. I can't afford that.
The cheapest one. That's a good one.
Ugh, Uberx. Very good.
Yeah, I guess so. You gave her a lift?

Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony. It was over.
All right, Michael.

You got a big joke book last time, you were on? Yes, sir. You still have it? I do, but still.
Is it filled up? It's still full, yeah. Is it really filled up? No, it's full.

All right, then you get a new one. There you go.

Wow. Still not a cot jokebook tonight.
How exciting is that? Good job, dude. Thank you, Charles.

All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Big Stew, everybody. It's time for a minute from Big Stew.

Oh shit. What it do, comedy mother shit.
My name is Big Stew.

I've been using this Duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my coworkers.

And I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain.

So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're gonna sound like a fucking dork.

And they're not gonna tell you either. It's gonna be like, oh, ah, como como esta ustados.

And they're just going to be like,

bien, but in parentheses, they're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit.

But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Chuesday, isn't it?

My name's Big Stu. What'd it do?

Hell yeah, filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed. Big Stu.
Is this your first time on the show? I did this show in 2019. Okay.

Wow. So how long you been on stand-up total?

Total? Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half.
Well, that was six years ago. So

how could you be doing it?

I'm thinking about all of them if you add them all together because I would do it for a couple months, quit quit for a couple years Why do you quit for a couple years every couple months?

It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oh, is that where you still live? No, I moved here a while ago.
How long is a while ago? Almost two years? Almost two years ago.

So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019, and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half.

I mean, all together.

You keep saying all together, but

I did it for a couple months in 2015, a couple months in 2019, and I have been going consistent since March of this year. Okay, all right.

Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stew?

By the way, you have big in your name, and you're the smallest guy that's been on the show tonight, just to let you know.

Well, I was like 40 pounds heavier in January.

Okay, how'd you lose the weight? The last four comedians want to know.

And Red Band. Diet and exercise.
diet and exercise have you tried hill country diarrhoea beer no I haven't no I will

so big stew what got you motivated what gets you motivated you're clearly easily unmotivated how do you stay motivated

moved to Austin that helped uh-huh other than that other than that now that you're here

Sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit.

Okay, Big Stew.

What do you do for a living?

Right now I work at a place called Build-A-Sign. What is that?

I make flags and tablecloths. Oh, okay.
What kind of flags are you made? A lot of trans flags?

Mostly a lot of businesses, people

for their business. Have you made a trans flag? I've made a few.
Look at that. See? They make flags over there.
I've been looking this whole time. Yeah, I've been looking for one.

I can't find one anywhere.

Okay, Big Stew.

Give us some fun facts about your life. Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us?

I can kick myself in the head. Oh, absolutely.
Put the mic in the mic stand. We definitely need to see this.
It's starting to all make sense, ladies and gentlemen. That is how you end up on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It counts.

That is not how I expected that to go.

That was a true sidekick to the head,

direct to the forehead. Yeah, I kind of thought your foot was gonna go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just sidekicked yourself.

I think we could all do that, by the way. Just none of us would ever do that.
How many of you want to see Red Band try that right now?

Come on, Red Band. You can do it.

He's here to make kill Tony history right now. We once saw him try to suck his own dick.
Oh, use his hand.

Oh, shit.

Redband.

Redband coming about three and a half feet away from his head on the first try.

The physical limitations are incredible. Whizzling away.

We're getting old, buddy. We're getting old.
He's like, I could do that.

I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cord.

That was like watching your kid jump off the high dive and just flailing to the bottom.

Oh my God. Your belly hurts now? Oh my God.
He pulled my belly button.

He pulled his belly button, ladies and gentlemen. Not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stew is over here.

Guy's been kicking himself in his. How long have you been kicking yourself in the head for, Big Stew? We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this.
As long as I can remember. Wow.

Like the family has you do it. Hey, big stew, show them your trick.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Wow, that's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma. You could have been mayor with a trick like that.
Yeah, yeah.

What's the biggest crowd you've done that for?

This one? Yeah.

Yeah, before that, how about before this?

You know what? I'm not going to make you think that hard about it. What do you? Did I ask you what you do for work? Yeah, yeah, I make flags.
That's right. You make flags.

What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like, God, damn, we really have to do this?

Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about ketamine.

Very good. Very quick on those Mario.
You got that Mario board. Figure it out.
You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a little Caesars. Yeah.
It is true.

Yeah. Do you ever get that?

who do you get with the beard and stuff? Like, you have like a 90s movie character look, right?

You don't get that? Like, you worked at a video store or something? No, I don't think so. I don't know a lot of that.

Porn?

Porn? Yeah.

What's your love life like? I gotta know. You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that.

I'm not dating anybody, but back home and also I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me sane. Ooh, we, a few reliable booty calls.

So, like the last booty call you had, like, can you walk us through that? What's that like? What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stew?

Hey, big.

Those are crickets for no reason.

Oh, it's a frog. Okay.
There's a frog in your house. Go ahead, Big Stew.

Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila.

Wow. That's all.
Why do you get a hotel?

Take us through the thought process of getting a hotel you didn't like your place in tulsa not up the kind of place no i mean i i mean it's whenever i go back to tulsa i get a hotel for the hookers for the hookers yep

so you hook up with hookers no no not hookers okay how about here in austin have you hooked up with a girl in austin since you got here in march okay so like where did you find that girl at whenever i was living across the street and working as a door guy

so it kind of where were you a door guy at i was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside. This is all here on 6th Street.

So,

how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Narbar

and the thick Latina comes up to you because clearly she will fuck anything. Yeah.
No,

I'd seen her around a few times, and then one of my off days I had cocaine and I asked her if she wanted some.

Only if you kick yourself in the head. Yeah.

Was it a thick Latina?

No. Oh, it was a white girl.
Black. Whoa, I would not have expected that big stew.
You look like a racist. No, no, quite the opposite.
Quite the opposite. Is that your, that's your style?

That's your flavor? I do like black women. What do you love about black?

What do you prefer?

Why do you prefer black women over whites?

Take us through it. Take us through the process.
It tastes like honey. Ooh, damn.
All right. Look at that.
We'll be right, Black.

Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis? That black women tastes like honey.

It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women.

But the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stu.

But

so you like black women? I do. Is it because you're like a redhead and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind?

No, no, I mean

redheads like me too. Redheads like you too? Yeah.
How often do you even see a redhead?

I don't know. Every once a week? Wow.

Amazing. I didn't know they'd be out here like that.

So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen? You offered her cocaine, and then what happens?

And then we went upstairs to my apartment. You went upstairs.
So, she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building. Well, yeah, it's 6th Street.
Oh, you live on 6th Street?

The apartment is on 6th Street, across the street. Was it one of the homeless women?

No.

And so, you take her up to your place.

Let's reenact it. Adam Ray is now a black woman.

Yeah.

Big Stew.

It's the right lighting here, Keena.

I didn't know Big Stew is gonna have.

I didn't know Big Stew is gonna have such a big room.

She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall.

Oh shit, Jurassic Pop Not?

I thought they were meant for them, motherfuckers.

You got some cocaine big stew? I do, yeah. I know you do.
That's all. I saw you hiding that shit in your shoe at Nabob.
I got you. Yeah.
Well, bust it out play. Let's do it.

Let me do a bump of your titty.

Ooh. Say what?

Bump off your titty. Bump up my titty.
Yeah.

Oh, and let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off. All right.

Which titty do you want to do?

I had a surgery so the left one's small and then the right one.

Which one are you pointing at Stu?

Be definitive motherfucker. This side.

Huh? The one on this side. As your roommate, I'm leaving.

That's fine. That's fine.
We a motherfucker staring at my titties.

All right, Big Stew.

Go ahead and do that bump, baby.

No, you can stay right there.

All right, fuck it. Fuck it.

Oh, shit.

Wow.

Oh, shit.

I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there. Yeah.

There was no need for you to gnaw on my actual titty.

But now that we're here,

you want to turn those eyes down, Big Stew? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you.

Why are you so intimidated? You got cocaine. Oh, shit, I thought you left.
Nah.

Decided to stick around.

While you're here, you might go and make me a sandwich. I saw some bread and meat on the

next to the kitchen.

All right, I got you.

Thanks, baby.

Big Stew, what do you say after you finish with a black woman?

Why are you still here? Wow. Unbelievable.
Man, that post-nut clarity kicks in hard for Big Stew. And did she spend the night, or did you get her a car?

I passed out drunk, and when she woke up, she was gone. Wow.
Amazing. You nailed it, Big Stew.
Good job. You check her house to make sure everything was there still?

Does Does he look like he got something to steal? There's nothing worth stealing.

Yeah, exactly. All I walked out with was a gang boy and some Warthers originals.

D-Madness is going to find that woman right now.

Man, if this guy could get pussy, then I could definitely fuck this bitch, too.

All right. Big stew.

All right, here's a medium-sized joke book. Good job.
There you go.

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We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's gonna do a minute. A good friend of the show from the comedy store, one of our old pals just swinging into town.

So we're giving him a minute, and we love him. It's a good friend of ours for many years, friend of

everyone, and

cool comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody.

I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of them because I found a woman.

And I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal.

She was classy. Growing up, though, my parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot.

Because my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd. It would take him forever.
Just little piece by little piece. What a fucking nerd.

And there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot. Now let me know if you would eat it the same way, okay? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately.

Anybody else take the whole thing out and immediately? I'd roll it up into a little ball. Yeah, roll it up to a little ball.

Parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction because of my fruit by the foot. I would take the whole thing out.
I'd roll it up into a little ball.

I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down.

Then I would inject it in my last remaining good vein.

I was 10. Anyone else?

Thank you. Taylor, boss.

Hell yeah. Melting down your fruit roll up.

Welcome, Taylor. How's life going? Great, Tony.
Thank you very much. I've been out here for about almost a week.
Yeah. Been having fun.

Tell us about it.

What can someone expect their first week? A lot of walking, a lot of eating. I ate too much.

I almost terry black to my pants.

Yeah.

A lot of eating. Yes.
Yes. We do that around here, right, Red Band?

Duh.

Red Band's recovering from a torn belly button.

It fucking hurts. It does it really hurt.
Yeah, I really did pull. And we were just talking about pulling shit because we're getting old.
Like, I really did pull.

Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, like,

before when we used to know Taylor in L.A.,

you weren't really doing comedy much. Not at the time, no.
I mean, I've been doing it for a while.

I've been doing it for like 17 years, but in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures. Yes, he is one of the great painters.

You can recognize his art all over the world. How about Chris Rogers? Rogan Studio, and you've seen it in the

background of Rogan's studio and other places.

What else is going on, Taylor? Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you. About 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will.
Nice. Yeah.
Why?

I was using my room as my studio and I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. And I was having grandiose thoughts.

I was telling people that I'm God.

And in fact, Tony, I'm not God.

Oh, I know, because I am God. No, I'm kidding.

I've been huffing sharpies for 12 and a half.

Anyway, what was the mental hospital like, Taylor?

It was a little bit weird. They put you in with the craziest person just to kind of like scare you a little bit, you know, see how bad you want it.

Then, after I started scaring the shit out of that guy,

they put me into, actually the first activity was Pictionary.

And I don't know if anybody here has ever played Mental Hospital Pictionary before.

Not a lot of participation. It was just me and this guy, Peter.
I just met him. Don't get me wrong, I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half.

He's memorized all the Pictionary cards.

So we put on a show nobody in that room will ever forget.

It's crazy. Then they had us do karaoke, and then I tried to escape.
I only made it to the parking lot.

Then they put me back in a room, and this time my room did not have any windows in it.

Yeah. Yeah, but I was in there for about a month.
Yeah, did they give you medication? They did. Yeah.

Terrible. How did that make you feel? Terrible.
Yeah, I got off of it when I got out. Kept a journal so I didn't kill myself.
There you go. Yeah.
Look at that. Thank you.
Yeah.

Somebody clapping for not killing myself. We're journaling.
Thanks, man. Adam Ray.

Taylor's hilarious. Known you for a while.
He's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it.

Once in Hermosa Beach, once in San Diego, ripped it.

What's really cool is, and I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere, is just how much he's been grinding.

And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones to somebody and he crushed it both times. It was awesome.
So, yeah, hilarious. And just

you were hilarious just now, so yeah, you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah,

and I just like to second that. This motherfucker's funny as shit.
Like, when I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, What the fuck are you doing? Get back on stage, yeah.

And I also own some of his art, he does, he owns a couple pieces of my art, and I was a little disappointed that he didn't die, so the value of it would go up.

Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die. But I like him alive, I'll take the loss on the art.
You know,

Tell people so they can find your work. Where can they find your art? Just on Instagram, Taylor Boss1S.

B-O-S. Correct.
That is right. Taylor, you had a great set.
Something. Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen.
I love you, bud.

Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot somehow.
I was just handed this. You got it.
Go melt it down. Eat it out of a spoon.
There goes Taylor Boss. Check out his art.

He is unbelievable. All right.
Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a fun new name.
Make some noise for Mohammed Yuall. Mohammed Yuall is next on Kill Tony.

Lord and Savior,

Joe Rogan.

You got in trouble for saying

I don't have a problem with people.

Who can afford to go to space. I don't have a problem with them saying

if you can exit the Earth's atmosphere,

you can say

if you can exit the troposphere, stratosphere, mesosphere, thermosphere,

exosphere, ionosphere,

you can say nigger.

You're in a nigger sphere. Nobody cares.

I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead

it's my way of giving back guys next time

next time you see a sleeping

can I can I go ahead I want to know how this sounds

next time you see a sleeping homeless person tuck them in

Mohammed you all making his kill Tony debut

I mean, wow. I got to tell you, we are going to be bleeping those

N-words. YouTube has a rule.
We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube.

We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible. There's a limit to how many times even a black person can say the N-word.
And I asked,

what if they're really black?

Like, what if they're like darker than pure black? Can they say the n-word? And they said, no, you have to bleep. And somehow, and I know because you are that guy,

that we are going to have to bleep four times. So, if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N-word.

And it has proven Ian Edwards, who looks like milk chocolate compared to him.

This is like watching

50 shades of black over here.

Yo, this is the first time I've ever been light-skinned in my life.

And I appreciate it.

He's white to me.

Oh, I know, I know. It is incredible.
Even D-Madness is like, hey, that's what I see.

You're the only guy D-Madness has ever seen before.

Oh, my God.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

What the fuck?

That's my kind of motherfucker.

I had to come back out so that I can see that shit.

Mohammed, tell us what life is like being quite that shade.

I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and fucking

automatically, like, what's the situation here exactly? Call me the outline of a chalk black dude

That's incredibly racist

No, I don't know bro, okay, welcome. How long you been doing stand-up Muhammad 10 years ten years where at

Iowa and Austin Iowa Wow, you must have really stood out in Iowa. Holy shit

Is that where you're born and raised? I was born in

when Sudan was a whole Sudan, so Khartoum Sudan. Now it's south and north.
Okay. Yeah.
How old were you when you moved to America? 10, 10 years old. Okay, 10 years old.
All right. 10, 10.
Perfect.

And what was it like acclimating in Iowa? That was the first place you moved to? I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004.

And I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa. Oh, shit.
I was terrified of the snow.

Yeah.

Well, like I'm, yep. Ian? He's coming from war-torn Sudan.

I was like, fuck this snow.

I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time.

I can't even imagine.

So, Muhammad, what do you do for work?

I work at Target. You work at Target? Yeah.
Oh, my goodness. What do you do at Target exactly?

You know those sampling cards? Yeah. Yeah, I do samples at Target.
Holy shit.

How?

Yeah, that looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here. Oh, yeah.
Big sample guy. You are?

What are you pushing on the people?

It could be anything that you can buy at Target, basically. Right.

What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for?

Why do you have to say bananas like

why'd you say that? Yeah, why did it why that's racist?

Yay, Adam over here. Hey, what are people going ape shit about nowadays?

I knew I should have done a character.

I can't trust myself.

Listen, no, you know what I meant. Bonkers.
Crazy. Where do they go? What do they

fucking?

What do you bring out? And people, you know. What was the food that?

Last week I had fucking peppermint chocolate? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.
What's your love life like, Muhammad?

It's terrible. Tell us about that.
That doesn't seem to make any sense. You're a handsome guy.
Well, I moved out here to do comedy, and I had a girlfriend in Iowa,

and then

that was over with.

You miss her? Yeah, I do. You do.
I do miss her. And how long have you been in Austin? Two years.
Two years. Have you talked to her at all? No, no.

No. Was she sad when you left? Yeah, I was supposed to get married.
She was... Yeah.

Really?

Tell us about that. Like, you proposed? I didn't propose, but

I was...

Was it arranged?

No. Well.

My mom does. She has a my mom has a couple girls arranged for me, but no,

the girl that I liked, she did stand up she did stand up yeah does she still do it i don't know wow you really just don't even

right

is she sudanese

you'd be shocked about the dancer you shock you

asian girl she's a white woman

wow

over under

Over under 170 pounds. Under under 170 pounds.
Under 170 pounds. Now I'm actually shocked.

That's amazing.

And have you been with anyone in Austin? No, no, no. I haven't.
I have an S C D.

Oh, what is it?

Genital wards. Wow.

Amazing. Tell us about that.
Do you remember when you got that?

I caught it in Cairo, Egypt in a balcony. Wow.
Let's cut to a clip. Yeah.

I don't have it. So

where in Cairo did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genitals? I was 10 years old. She was 16.
Wait, you were 10? Yeah.

Oh my God. How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old?

I don't know. It just felt right? Yeah, it felt right.
You're like, I'm going to put this there. Yeah.

Holy shit, man. Yeah.

That's crazy.

Wow.

So do you just have those all the time? Is that a a thing that just stays? You have it your whole life. You can't get rid of it, but you can get rid of the

symptoms, but it always stays with you. Am I just an STD class? No, this is great.
We find out what's different about everybody here. This is amazing.

Did you bring this up during the Target interview?

This feels like a pretty personal.

No, no. No, yeah.

Wow.

So basically, I mean, what does that mean? You just have to use a condom all the time. Yeah, basically.
Yeah.

All right. Yeah.
Is it a couple or is there just like one big gross one?

That's a good question.

Red Band wants an actual description. There's three.
The big three. Like wart remover on it, or have you tried any like home TikTok remedies for it? Red Band, that's enough.
Put down the microphone.

Again, what were you doing in Cairo exactly? I'm kind of confused here.

So in 2004, the Sudanese government was they were killing a lot of people

just randomly or was there a specific reason or type of people it was in South Sudan where they had resources

where

the government would hire rebels rebels to go to

like remote villages and like kill the population and get the resources and my mom wanted to get the fuck out of there what were the resources like blood diamonds or something is that right it's very funny guys

no i'm genuinely curious it's very funny it's just oil oh okay yeah all right um

so uh my mom decided you know get the out of there and we uh seek refuge through uh the united nations that a refugee program where uh if you're in a war-torn area uh they'll rescue you and uh take you to uh better places.

So she applied and then we moved to Cairo, Egypt. I lived there for four years, then I came here.
Right.

Amazing. And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world, Iowa.

That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right? Yes, yes. Whole different situation.
All white people around you, basically. I mean, I lived around white people my whole life.
Yeah.

Egypt. Oh, they have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt.
That's a fun fact. Oh, okay.

All right.

General So's meet General Wart.

That's how that goes. You see, that's a Chinese General Wart show.

Figure that one out, General Thaya.

I love it. Uh, Muhammad, you have any special skills or talents other than comedy? I'm double-jointed.
Ooh, can you show us a trick?

Wow,

oh my god,

the Exorcista.

Anyone could do that,

do not.

Oh man,

I pulled my shoulder blades.

Muhammad, I like your style.

Congratulations. Thank you for signing up.
Come back again. Let's do it again.

There he is, Muhammad. You all, ladies and gentlemen.

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All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have what I think is one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's only been on for a few weeks.

I think he is the future and the present. This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

God, I love this shit. Honestly, Austin, Texas, I owe y'all an apology.

I was shitting on y'all wicked online for a long time and in public.

It wasn't my fault. This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people.

Because I'm from Atlanta. I don't have the time.
You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people. And then

I was on the, then as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga, y'all got great sunsets. Ah, y'all.

This is the most booming city in the world, right?

Ask me my favorite comedian. Who's your favorite? Tony Hinchcliffe.

Tony Hinchcliffe, my motherfucking favorite comedian. I love being out here now.

I just needed to, because the problem was, I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty, because y'all put the homeless on the bus, and I know where they stop at, and it's near where I live.

But the beautiful because what this is what happened one day I was walking up here the first time I wanted to sign up me and my friends was walking and he asked all of my friends for for money.

And then when he got to me, he was like, Keep your head up.

But now that I got killed, Tony regular, when I ride in my girlfriend's car, because I got that much money yet,

we stopped over here, and the dude went to go clean the window. And then, when she tried to give him money, he said, Nah, you got something good on your hands.
All right, he's gonna be somebody.

Thank y'all so much, I'm Detrick Flynn.

Fuck yeah, Detrick Flynn.

I love it.

Is that true that you rode the bus in Austin? Yeah, all the time. I didn't even know that was a thing.

I guess I kind of like buses, but... You got to walk like where I got to walk is like a two-mile walk around the interstate, and then you get on the bus.

Like, there's no like real bus lines like going anywhere. They don't really go through downtown.
I don't really ever see them.

Well, that's because you got money, Tony.

I see them all the time. I'm like, oh, there's an 801.
I was on there.

Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses very. That shit don't come up on your camera.

I love it. Dead drink, how's life going? Your episode came out.
You're officially Kiltoni famous. Tell us how your life has changed.

Dude.

Everything's changed. You know how like when you get a new haircut and you got errands? You know what I'm saying? Like, niggas got to see I'm cute.
Like, that's how I feel right now.

I got new shoes and shit. My shit popping.

I've been taking longer shits in public because niggas got to see these shit. Sometimes I don't even take a shit.
I just put the lid down and then I scream.

So that way, when he comes outside, he's like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now.

That's amazing. That's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes.
Sometimes I just slide my foot in they stall. You know what I'm saying?

that was you? Yeah, is it?

Them shits was hard.

I knew I recognized them. I was going to ask you where you got them from.

That is awesome. Other than new shoes, what else?

You're financially secure now for the first time in a long time. Yeah, man.
This shit is crazy. My phone on.

I don't need the Wi-Fi no more.

Shit, it's like, I'm going to actually, I get to go home this week to do Killers or Killed Tony at the Fox here in Atlanta, which is one of my dream venues. That's right.

Dad's going to be... Actually, I just get to go home.
I don't even know how I feel all the way yet because I haven't been home. I haven't seen my mom.
I haven't seen my brothers.

I haven't seen my sister. I haven't seen all of my friends that have been there since day one.
Like, all I know is the phone calls, but like, I haven't got like the hugs from it. So it's, it's.

I'm probably going to come back a fucking monster and crying all the fucking time. I can't wait to cry for two weeks straight.
I love it. I love it.
Ian Edwards. This is beautiful, man.

How does it feel to be robbable?

Even Fiona chiming in on that one. We got a different frame.
You bald and like,

you look like five cigarettes put together or black and miles.

I'm not very robbable. The homies don't even look me in the eyes.
Like I told you, they give me respect off rip. They know I got a gun.

Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in now.
I'm a regular. It's true.
All regulars are allowed to to have guns. That's why William has four attached to them.

I love it. Dedrick, Dedrick, Dedrick.
Adam Ray. Yeah,

it was really moving the moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you, but what did you do after that, I guess? Like, how do you ride that high?

Man, I had

so many people.

Like, it's just because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call. So my phone was like blowing up.

And then after I got the regular I ran out of here with a Jay legend bags and boxes Jay legend you singing because he was going crazy when I got called so we're crying walking back to the Shakespeare's and all I did was scream at the top of my lungs I got motherfucking regular bitch and then the whole crowd went crazy and it was fucking sick as fuck and then I've just been, I don't know, like in a, I'm not even in the driver's seat right now.

Everything's happening that I want it to happen. All I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams.
All right. Follow your fucking dreams.
No doubt about it. He's

No, you're right, because not even, it must have been four years ago, I saw you on the street and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your sleeping bag.

So now to be here, no, it's a callback, but no,

I don't want to take away from your statement, but you're exactly right, dude. You said 39 times until you got called up, right? Yeah, 39 times.
That's wild, dude. It is what's possible.

He went from 39 times signing up to not to with nothing to getting on to opening for Joe Rogan two days later to doing the Fox Theater three weeks later. And he's going to be in the arena.

Yes, open for Ron White. Gonna be at the arena here on New Year's Eve.
Come on!

You gotta get ready to be ready, right? Huh? So you gotta get ready to be ready. Yeah, that's it.
And he's been ready. He is hilarious.
We've seen his longer sets. They are incredible.

Find him, follow him, ladies and gentlemen. Dedric Flynn, the Dark Storm of Atlanta has arrived.

And on to the next one we go. I gotta tell you, this name looks amazing, and I hope it is

anything like what it seems to be. No doubt, the first time for this bucket pull.
Let's see if

the carpets match the drapes with this one. Make some noise for Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Okay, indeed.

It is Stevie One Leg Wonder. Hey, Austin.

Did a 23andMe the other day and found out I'm Chinese. Yeah, I'm from Vechina.

Yeah.

Oh.

Hold it up to your mouth. My bad.

I didn't realize.

I just lost my train of thought.

I was outside last Monday. I signed up and I was looking at the homeless, the homeless guy in the street.
He had a vacuum cleaner and he was running it back and forth on the line.

I was just like, wow,

Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It's super awesome.

What do you guys call a black guy that flies a plane?

Call him a pilot, you fucking racist.

That's all I was prepared for.

There you go, Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Welcome to the show, Stevie. How are you?

Nervous? You're good. You're doing just fine, Stevie.

How long you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. I just moved to Austin two weeks ago.
Your first time ever doing stand-up? First time. Wow.
How old are you? 40 years old. 40.

And what made you want to start now?

I wanted to start since I was 13.

And I went and fucked fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21.

Got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself.

How old are the kids?

18, 20, and 22. Wow, you did it.
You raised three grown kids. That's amazing.
No felonies. All driver's licenses.
No felonies. All driver's licenses.
Amazing. Clean records.
Amazing. So,

okay, let's jump right into it, shall we? Or not jump, if you're you.

How did you lose the leg, Stevie? Which story do you want to hear?

Because I tell like 150 different stories. Can you tell the truth?

For you, Tony, I will tell the truth because it's an honor to be here. Perfect.
Let's see. Okay, so I was working up in Denver.
We were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on I-70.

And

it just went wrong, and I was on the bad end of it, got crushed by it, taken to the hospital. Two weeks later, they decided to cut my leg off.
Damn. No.

Wow.

Thanks, Red Band. How old were you when that happened?

That was almost four years ago. Oh, okay.

So that was recent. Yes.

Take us through it. What are some things we'd be surprised by?

Fun facts about having one leg?

You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes.

You get a leg up on the competition. Yeah.
You put your best foot forward. Yeah.
You know, all that. Yeah.
So, I mean, it's good to have one leg. Yeah, Ian Edwards.

I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head?

You don't even know. You don't even know.

He could beat himself in the head with that fucking thing. Oh my God.

Wow.

What are the fucking odds?

What are the odds? And he didn't tear his belly button.

Cheater.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow. I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely like very excited when he did that.
Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it.
Did you unscrew part of it to

no, I just got to tickle my knee and then it works. Amazing.
Just tickle it with this button right here. Wow.
Whoa.

I just got this. This is a new leg.
It was,

I think it's about four or five weeks old. Wow.
Little baby leg. Sure.
And virgin. Where'd it come from?

The store.

Is there a leg store? Where do you get a new leg from? Amazon or what do we do? Evergreen prosthetics in North Carolina.

Mohammed wasn't giving out leg samples at Target? No.

All right.

Stevie, what do you do for fun?

You know,

I don't know.

Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much.

What did you used to do for fun?

Everything. Dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats.

Camping, all kinds of stuff. You could still do those things, right? You just haven't tried? Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more.
What do you mean, white boy money?

I'm broke.

Is that white boy money? I think that he mixed it up or something. Yeah.

My bad.

Okay.

So

you still with the baby mama? No, absolutely not.

I was married for seven years, and out of that, we were together two. Wow.
And then

did

what the divorce cost you, an arm and a leg? Just a leg. I was really good at negotiating.

Amazing.

Okay.

So what's dating like?

here and there. Uh-huh.
Um I get around.

You do. Sometimes I'll get in my wheelchair.
It goes faster. You have a wheelchair? No, I got rid of it before I moved here.
Right.

Okay. But

how long have you lived here? Um

Thursday will be two weeks. Got it.
Two weeks. So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet? Nope.

Okay, Ian? It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him. Yeah, he is.
D-Man's doing his scoffing thing.

Damn, that's cold. Yeah.

Four years ago, shit.

Are there any specs on that leg? Like, when you ordered it, like, can it do, like you did the thing? Well,

I mean, yes and no. It's more the accessories that I can put below the knee

versus

anything else. I can put the running leg on here.
It's just like a big spring. It looks like, looks like a blade runner, you know, like, but I don't run.

if there's a bear i guess i'll fight it

well there's no bears here in austin where were you at before this uh raleigh north carolina right how did how's austin different than raleigh tell us about it's got a cleaner downtown yeah i was actually surprised i've watched the show a lot and i've seen all the comments of the the homeless population down here and i was thinking denver you know like denver's gross you can't even walk down there it's true and people talk about the homeless population it's really, it's two or three blocks of homeless people.

The food shelters are. They're all cool.

They just wander around in circles. There's a lot of liberals here in Austin.
I can tell you lean to the right. How does it?

All right.

You said you've been here two weeks? Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet?

I don't know. The plane's been canceled.

Well, Stevie, keep... Yep, Adam, go ahead.
I just want to ask a question. You said

do your kids know you do comedy? Are they supportive? Are they like? Well,

my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin.

And she didn't because some shit happened. But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't want to.

So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah.
She says, Dad, I'm 18.

I don't want to go hang out in a bar.

Watch drunk people get drunk.

That makes sense.

All right, I'm going to take a sip. That checks out.

She's not wrong. That's a respectable answer.
For my daughter, thanks.

Stevie, congratulations. I'm going to give you a big joke book, buddy.
I like your style. This is amazing.
Fill it up. Work it out.
First time over. You're living your dreams.

Stevie One Leg Wonder has made his debut here on Kill Tony. Come back, sign up again.
Break a leg.

Go do memes.

What does that mean, Red Band?

Yeah, they can.

what do you mean his big joke was

the very controversial

Pauly Shore

Is it okay? Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro? I'm so sorry.

We don't need to hug. We don't need to, we don't, we really, we don't, okay, all right, if you insist.
There he is, Paulie Short.

Coming off a very uh a very polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Barr. I thought we banned him.
In which somehow he was the wild one.

I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience.
Very different.

Yeah. And I just, I was on, thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was, but I was going through a lot of

going through a lot of stuff and I've been taking some meds and I said that I got banned. Whoa!

Don't fucking go. Look who it is!

The silver goat of Kill Tony Universe Brian Holtzman has arrived now. Let me finish my apologies so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony camp you cock sucker

Please Polly let Brian talk for a second. Let's hear what Holtzman has to say.
I'm taking care of watching over him. I'm kind of his minder and

I'm sorry about this. I turned around.
I had to use the bathroom and

he ran up here. I just want to say I lied.
I lied. And I never got banned from his show.
And I was just saying that because I was fucked. Yeah, I was on meds, but I'm okay now.

Okay, Paulie. So thank you.
I love you guys. I apologize.

He's in good hands. His new caretaker, Brian Holtzman.

Wow.

What a moment. A double character cameo by the great.
How about one more time for Paulie Shore and Brian Holtzman?

Brian, Brian,

Brian, you have any...

Why don't you do a do it? Do it.

Paulie, don't do anything.

Just be part of this set, Paulie. No, Paulie, Paulie is going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place.
And

they kind of want this family wants me to

keep an eye on him, you know, and

I hate everybody, too.

So I just got back from New Orleans, and

my asshole is still sore.

And we had a good time, and everybody's happy about that, and I'm happy about that, and everybody's excited about that.

And

I wasn't expected to be up here, so I don't have any canned, anything to say, but I will tell you there's a lot of retards at the airport. I tell you that.

I mean, you're in the airport. Can anybody get on this plane without help?

Is there anybody that can get on the fucking plane without help?

Families traveling with children that need extra time. Get on the plane, you retarded family of poor.

There's no steps on the jetway. Just get on the fucking plane.

It should be a separate airline for retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane.

Retard air.

Paint a big wheelchair on the tail. I don't know.

This plane goes down. Nobody cares.

You mean we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back?

You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house?

The front of the house is a skateboard park.

Why would you put the ramp in front of the house? You want to let everybody know you got a

somebody not doing well in the house?

Put the ramp in the back of the house. I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back.

Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest ever in the Keltony universe.

How about one more time for Pauly Shore and Brian Holtzman, everybody?

What a crazy world we have around here where Pauli and Holtzman just come stumbling in.

Back to the bucket we go, everybody. Who knows the next Paulie Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull.
Anything can happen. Make some noise.

This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Gallavin, everybody. Owen Gallavin.

I'm a first generation American, you guys.

Both of my parents are from Ireland, but my grandma... She's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like 40 people on it.

Didn't really dawn on me till I visited there last summer that that just makes me inbred as fuck, you guys.

Who are they having sex with?

No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am.

I can never complain about being short again. It's a miracle that I can do math.

Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island.

My family tree is just a wreath.

I don't even have ancestors. I just have ancestors.

Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being inbred. That's been fun.
People tell me I talk too loud.

I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now.

That's my time. Thank you.
Owen Gallivan. This is your first time on the show, right, Owen?

No, I've been on a few times. Oh, okay.
When was the last time? A year ago or something? A while ago.

It was that crazy rapid fire bucket pull episode. No interview, yeah.

Oh, okay. Where we found Martin Phillips, R.A.
Me and Aaron Belisle. What was that?

That was, that was. No, I don't know.

It was here. It was bad.
Perfect. Gotcha.
Owen. So you had a rough set last time.
Not great. Okay.
Well, welcome back. Seems to be getting better for you, Owen.
Congratulations.

You've been working hard at this? I have, yeah. How long have you been on stand-up? About six years.
Six years. What do you do for work? I'm an engineer.
Ooh, what kind of engineer?

Mechanical by degree, but right now I work as an industrial engineer. You making good money? Pretty good.
You live by yourself? I do. Nice.
One bedroom? Yeah, one bedroom. Hell yeah.

What's in your refrigerator right now that would surprise us? Right now, I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full.

Got a bunch of chicken broccoli Alfredo I made yesterday. Ooh.
Not too bad. And some lamb chops I'm I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow.
Wow, you're going to broil those?

How are you going to prepare the lamb chops? Are you going to bake the lamb chops? If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to look up on YouTube how to cook them and just do what YouTube tells me.

Amazing.

Amazing. Okay, Owen, what's your love life like?

You know, it's relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year.
We broke up a couple months ago. And since then, no real dates.
Why'd you break up a couple months ago?

I broke up with her.

She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it. And I figured break it off now.
When you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing?

It was just a feeling thing. You know what I mean? Couldn't feel it like deep down.
You know what I'm saying?

Hmm. All right.

She didn't feel related to you. Yeah.

Amazing. Owen, do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumbass cricket noise and that got Vogan.
Let's hear the cricket noise.

Red band. I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise.
So if you hit the sound effect, that's impressive. There's pressure here.
Here he goes with his cricket noise.

No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.
That was too quick. I choked.
I choked.

Can't do it.

Tried it. Tried as hard as I can.
I'll try one more time. I'll try one more time.
Okay, here we go. With this cricket noise.

Can't do it. It is.
Trust me, it is good when I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me. It's all right.
Okay. All right, Owen.
I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time. Yeah.

All right.

Okay, you're leaving with a medium, very black

joke book. It's a medium black.
There he goes.

Owen Gallivan. We're going to keep it moving here.

Some of these people, they really struggle with the interview part of the show. It's very interesting.

It's tough, right? It is tough. Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself, but for some, yeah.
For some, yeah. Yeah, I'd really try to help these people.
Yeah, you ask good questions.

I do my best. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull.
You still having fun out there?

All right. Make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria.

Sebastian Santa Maria.

Yo, yo, yo, how's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So, unbelievable this is happening.

So, lately, I've been having some crazy urges. And I mean, I guess everybody has urges.
And mine have been at night, you know, and it's honestly been like whether I'm going to jerk off or not.

And

whenever I jerk off man, I have terrible fucking dreams. I think about, you know, like, well, I dream about, you know, like getting stabbed and bleeding out in Shrek's apartment.

He's like stabbing me. It's absolutely horrible.
And then if I don't, if I don't drink off, it's just, you know, I have epic dreams, dude. I'm like smashing Fiona.
It's awesome, dude. It's awesome.

And I'm not talking about the skinny bitch. I'm talking about, you know, like green, hot, like swampy puss, Fiona, dude.
This guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah.

I know you like that shit, dog.

So, you know, and I wake up at three in the morning. I'm absolutely bricked up.
And what do I do? I jerk off. Terrible idea.
Because guess what happens, dude?

I'm back with Trek, and he knows that I just smashed his fiancé or his wife, depending on what movie.

Jesus Christ almighty, Sebastian Santa Maria. What the fuck is that? Oh, God, man.
Holy shit, Sebastian. Don't do that to me, man.

How long you been doing stand-up?

I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past six to eight months. You know, I don't really have a handle or anything like that.
You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what?

A handle. Like, you know, IG.

I thought you made like a handle of the craft. Yeah, a handle of the craft.
I think

on that second turn of the night, dude, I'm going to have a good handle of Shrek, you know? Yeah.

I always love a good, it's one of my favorite things.

I think I even did it too, like starting out in comedy.

Every new comic does it when like they do a joke, and it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go and they go this guy knows what i'm talking about

like you suck this guy into your shrek swamp pussy joke and he was like i do know i'm sorry i don't but i'm saying i do because i don't want you to kill yourself yeah okay i can see west texas when i see it man yeah yeah yeah sebastian

yes sir how old are you I'm 26. 26? Wow.
What made you want to start stand-up now?

Dude, why not, man? I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore.
So I figured, you know, I have to get a rush somehow. And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed Tony.

Why not, dude? Why not? Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling. You could prepare and do good at this.
It's not like the house has better odds than you or anything. Everyone wants you to do good.

So it's not really gambling. I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mics and stuff.

Yeah, okay.

Do you have any

other special skills? What have you been good at in your life? You're 26. You're a good-looking guy.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
All right, answer the question. Jesus.

Just fell in love after that.

Guys don't get that many compliments, so I had to take your little breather.

That is the one compliment anyone could give you. You do look handsome.
Once you start talking, all the pussies dry up.

All the hard cocks go soft. No swamp pussy in here, I can see.

What other skills do I have, man? I'm an engineer. I've been doing that for a while.
Jesus.

These engineers cannot engineer a joke, huh?

Okay.

What else? Are you good at anything? You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while. Something like that? Man, totally.
I'm out of here with the beanbag suit.

I'm Argentinian, so number one. What does that mean?

Number one. Well, you won the World Cup.
You mean number one? Yeah, number one.

Oh, you won the World Cup. I didn't win it, but Argentina did.
Argentina did. Ian is our senior soccer correspondent, believe it or not.
The rare black soccer fan. Okay.
No, they won.

When did you win? Like, two years ago?

2022. Oh, 2022, our double senior soccer correspondent over there.

Amazing.

You said you can't do drugs anymore. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did?

Fuck, dude. I went to Texas Tech, man.
Rec and Tech.

They're quite a bit of them. They're quite a bit of them.

You want me to listen out? I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I...
Remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did? Fuck, dude. You're going to put me on the spot?

I'm not trying to lose my job. You're okay, Sebastian.
This guy knows what I'm talking about. Yeah.

Sebastian, here's the little joke book.

There he goes. Sebastian Santa Maria, ladies and gentlemen.

So I'm going gonna tell you what. We're gonna do something special here.
This is completely unplanned. This has been one of those.

This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day. We are coming off of Skank Fest weekend.
I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe DeRosa, and we drank.

all fucking day yesterday starting with screwdrivers on the plane we landed went to a fucking bar and drank for 10 hours straight. I was sick in the middle of the night.

I got an IV drip today, been drinking water, coffee, this, that to repair myself. So, I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes.

So, what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it, and if Adam wants to do it, why don't we do a little fucking

little Tony Hinchcliffe and I go pee

and I'll let you call up this bucket pull. Is that that sound fun to you guys?

Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes. Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Oh my god.

One more time. Thanks.
We're really doing it, Red Band.

Oh my God.

Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now, by the way?

Unbelievable.

Don't play that monkey noise anymore, Redband.

Your next bucket pull?

I don't believe he's been on this show before.

But he goes, he has a name, and I'm going to read it right now. here on kill Tony

oh

He goes by the name of

fuck

Brandon

Raris keep it going for Brandon Raris the kill Tony debut

here he is everybody

Disney adult, am I right

you

My kids dressed and we have an excuse, okay, guys? Chill.

Just celebrated 15 years of marriage.

It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys.

We've been trying this new thing.

My wife's love language is quality time.

We're like trapped in a room, trying to escape.

An argument in the car, that's right. Yeah.

Just one argument away from winning. Woo!

Keep going. I want to hear where this goes.

We'll be right back.

Oh, my God.

We're good.

Hello, how are you? Hi.

What's going on?

You want to spot?

He was going to finish the rest of his joke. Oh, you're still

doing it? This thing called momentum, it's gone now. We're good.
Go ahead, finish it. Finish it.

Yeah, come on. Come on.
Finish it. Come on, finish.
Come on. Let's hear it.
Already let's see. Finish it.
Come on. Finish it.
Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it.
Finish it.

Finish it.

More of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it.

There you go.

Okay. Sorry.

Look at that ash.

Oh.

I'm more of a blunt guy these days.

Want to take your seat back? Yeah, let's swap.

I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil.
Don't miss it. December 18th.

I love you.

December 16th. December 16th, Wilderness Theater, Los Angeles.
Oh, I love being back to me.

Okay, how did that go? I'll tell you, I was just out back peeing.

Didn't hear a lot.

I felt like they're laughing at me, not with me right now, but no, it was good. It was fine.

Were you once the catcher in the movie The Sandlot?

Now you're all grown up. This is how you ended up.
I've been in a little bit of weight loss journey.

I've gained 30 pounds.

It's not going good. This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir.
Brandon, you've been on the show once before. Yeah.
And you cried. You got a little emotional last night.
Yeah, I lost it like a little girl.

No, it's fine. It's good.
You showed your true feelings. Yeah, I'm holding it together right now today.
Yeah. How's life changed since you were on Kill Tony?

Yeah.

Go ahead, Bray.

Answer the question, Bray. I don't want to be known as the crying guy, but

it's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show.
Love the community.

Been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft.

You say you've been hitting mics. Are we talking about jersey mics or?

I'm not, yeah, maybe.

What else has been going on in life, Brandon?

I've been doing VR comedy.

So, like, I actually won a thousand dollar contests and got paid to do comedy and VR. You won $1,000

doing VR comedy? Yeah.

Wow. Red Band is our senior vr correspondent yes uh

cool okay there you go

the key word being v there in actual reality not much going on but in virtual reality you guys are living your dreams just trying to yeah it's been uh it's been fun i've been away been away from me because uh family can't get out to mics as much so i've been trying to hone the craft write more jokes and there's like real people in the thing most of them are furries but you know

work with you, work with

what's your avatar

Spider-Man from the Spider-Verse in the pink robe.

I'm gonna kill everybody in this room. I'm sorry, this is unbelievable.

This is what fat guys do, by the way. They go to VR and like, I'm Spider-Man now.

I can jump around in virtual world. Look at me, I can run in virtual reality.
Oh,

if I just press down this toggle button, I can do what I can do now. Oh, watch.
I'm going to kick myself in the head.

Pain-free kick in the head.

Thanks for showing the last one. That was good.
Whatever.

What am I missing here? What would you ask, Brandon, if you saw his set? Yeah,

I missed the first couple jokes. Is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess, that you feel like maybe you, because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out of here, right?

You might forgot something you wanted to do.

i didn't i was planning on going into another joke from there but then i lost well didn't lose a moment it just felt like the room was laughing so i just kind of soaking that in yeah yeah yeah i saw you kind of like just kind of milking them is it can we hear one more joke or yeah

yeah let's hear one more joke from brandon ferris i've been wanting to start this new thing called only dads

It's wholesome.

It's where I say things to you like, hey, Tony, I'm proud of you.

Or Red Band, we probably shouldn't do that.

And then, just like your real dad, when your subscription expires, I leave. Bye.

All right, Brandon. Got a reaction.

That must kill in virtual reality. Dang it.

All right. What does he get? Little or big? What'd you end up with last time? I got a big one because I cried, but my daughter wants me to get a little one.
Okay, guess what? She wants. There you go.

Daughter gets

what daughter wants. There goes Brandon Ferris, everybody.

My daughter's been doing comedy.

Would you be open to giving her a minute? What are you talking about? How old's your daughter?

She's eight, and the other one's 11. No, we can't.
We're not allowed to have people

at this venue because it serves so much alcohol. It's a secret show, Red Band.
Whoa, Red Band.

Yeah.

Red Band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her.

Is it still flat, or is there a little something there? She might get the spot. What's her avatar?

Huge. She's got huge knockers.
There you go. There he goes.
Brandon Ferris. I was just kidding.
We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody.

Final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kendall Jr., everybody. Here we go.
Kendall Jr.

So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva

Many hands

So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents

It's nothing too crazy just something where the dude might perhaps have his cock out

But it's mainly from my mom's reaction though because you know, she'll be looking over my dad like,

honey,

is that real?

My dad's like, Don't worry, baby, he just fluffed that shit up.

It's what they do.

My dad is a small penis,

apparently,

which means I got mine from my mom.

I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of Men in Black,

but they just called it Men in Black.

Men?

All right, thank you. There you go.
Kendall Jr.

Wow.

T Madden is with the bass

riff that says it all.

Kendall, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? This is a million-dollar question here. One year.

One year, okay. Yeah, last October.
Yeah. Okay, you work hard at it? Do you do it like a few times a week? Yeah, yeah, like every week, like two to four.

How many times have you signed up for this show? Five. This is my fifth time.
And then your first time on this show, correct? Yes, yes. Okay.
What do you do for work?

I'm disabled. I don't.

What's disabled about you? I have like bad back surgeries since I was 18.

Why? What was wrong with your back? I had kyphosis and scoliosis, so I had to do the spinal fusion, like top to bottom type of thing. It kind of, yeah, it's a little, it's a lot.
Okay.

But you, you're on disability. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah, it gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into,

I had a, like, yeah, pretty, a lot to talk about.

What do you mean? Oh, like in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of like material. Like, I used to be like a fat heroin addict because of it.
Oh.

Not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the so like there's a lot of material there sure how did you stumble into heroin how to

well it was uh well like prescriptions over prescribing and it feels really good and then you're like well I have a bad back I could just kind of

you know but no it uh so it started as a pain pill addiction yeah pain pill addiction you kind of and then it got out of control it got out of control you know someone's like hey this was like 2015 yeah yeah try this yeah Who recommended heroin to you?

A buddy of mine who has a good friend.

He's dead now. How did he die?

No, I think his soul died long ago.

These guys know what I'm talking about.

Sorry. All right.

No, he's still out there. I don't know, man.
A couple of people have died. Yeah, but you know, neither here nor there.
I got out. I'm seven years clean.
Good field. Yeah.

Wow.

That felt better than heroin. I'll I'll say that.
Wow. When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back.

Pointing to your back. It's so easy, isn't it?

Pointing to the back.

You'll be right back.

You see what I'm trying to? All right. It's not easy.
It's not easy doing back jokes.

You'll be right back.

Well, I kind of was. Like four hours later, I had to do emergency surgery.
So he was like, yeah, you'll be right back. Your arms are big.
Is that from because you used to be fat? It looks like you.

I have a little bit of both. I have like exercise.
You know, diet and exercise take you long. You're like built like Popeye or something like that.

You have an interesting build. You have like a small head for your big frame.
Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah.
Okay. We're working on it slowly.
It used to be rounder.

You know, they had to like roll me around. Where are you from? I'm getting like a West Virginia, Virginia vibes somewhere around there.
Houston. Oh, yeah, the West Virginia of Texas.
Perfect.

That's funny. That's good.
Okay, so disability all the way. You don't make money anyway.
You don't have a gambling problem.

No, I try to stay away from this. It's only adrenaline type of,

you know, wise-ish.

How old are you? Uh, 34. What's your love life like? I have a girlfriend.
She's kind. She's really, yeah, it's awesome.
Oh, she's kind. Yeah.
Wow.

Nothing gets me

quite as excited as kindness. Yeah, no, no, she's, yeah, yeah.

I have a,

yeah. On a scale of one to ten, how kind is she?

Great question, Ian. Spinal tap.
Spinal tap. It goes to 11.
You know, it goes. All right.
So, what's the scale?

Oh, she used to be heavy. She used to be heavier, but no, she's like.

Did you guys lose weight together? No, no, no, no. This is a.

I met her a few months back. Are you on heroin now?

No, no. How heavy were you at one point?

I was almost 360. I say 355.
Wow. I know.
I say 3 because it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week. I'm a little fluffy this week.
I gotcha. So you were 360.
What was she at one point?

She was, I think, like 260. She's like,

she's well under that now. But I didn't meet her then.

I would have been.

No.

Wow.

No, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to get out of the gutter.
Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other's?

Hers is... No, no, it's...
No, it's good. I'm just kidding.
All right.

Kendall, before I let you go, craziest thing about you or your life?

Craziest thing.

I once shit myself walking into an H-E-B while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates. And then I had to continue dropping it off.
It was just.

Yeah, I had boots on, though, and jeans.

Now, was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates? Like, you get excited? To the doctor already. Oh, no, it was like, it was a hard opiate.
It was opanna. I suggest they stopped it.

It was stronger than heroin. So, like, it led me to kind of like, I was like, oh, heroin, this is it? So it, like, relaxed your sphincter, and that's why you should.
You could say that.

You could say that.

Well, I mean, I could say that. I did say that, but I'm asking you.

Was it because of the prescription?

It's the withdrawals. You know, the withdrawals just like make everything fucking.
It was like diarrhea plus, you're probably relaxed, yeah. Yeah.

But then then you're like uptight, so it's like, you know. Wow.
Sounds like a red band, uh,

a red band bit on a Thursday night at the Secret Show.

Diarrhea mixed with all right. What was the can I just one

heroin is like when you do it? It's not like weed where you're like, let's fit fucking Xbox. Like, you do heroin, and like, what's the go-to activity?

I've cleaned before, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, after a while, it gives you energy, it makes you normal.

But at first, you're just like, I want to like put on a film or something.

Relax. What What film?

Film 2?

No,

I used to like putting on Rushmore or like Bottle Rocket or something. Stupid.

You'd look like me if I started doing heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't. Yeah.

Well, don't tell me how to live my life, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Well, Kendall.

You did it. Here's a little joke book.
There he goes. Kendall Jr., ladies and gentlemen.

Well,

what an episode it's been. Who can forget Martin Phillips' amazing opening?

And then a lot of fat military people.

And then the darkest man in the history of the show, Mohamed Yual. Derek Flynn, Stevie One Leg Wonders.
So much happened.

There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show.

Most interviews ever on this show. The reigning, defending,

super regular of Kiltoni.

Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler,

the Prince of Pancakes,

the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

Hey, Red Band, I'm still thinking about yo fat ass kicking your leg up, bitch.

Just in case anybody was wondering, I still still haven't heard back from medical school yet.

So I'm coming out to Smokey and the bandit remake, but the truckers are all wearing turbans and sideswiping minivans and cutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour.

Hey, Red Band, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose?

What if instead of Planet Earth we watched Planet Jupiter? Dude, that would have been such a long show.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Wow. William Montgomery gracing us with not one but two Red Band jokes.

Dude tonight, I couldn't believe his fucking crazy ass. I can't believe you were able to do that, Red Band.
Kick your fucking head. Well, he he wasn't.

Yeah.

He tore his belly button at one point. What?

Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what Red Band's belly button must look like? What do you think that looks like, William? I think it is probably as a bunch of purpley veins in the inside.

Once you get through the hair on the inside, because I've seen his ass naked many times. I believe Bubba Fett fell into it in episode three of Star Wars and Return of the Jedi.

What is that? The Snarlacc? What is it? The Sarlak pit. Sarlaq.
That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn.

William, let's talk about it. You are two weeks out of being super viral now.

The world is talking about it.

I basically think it's a fucking... A lot of people, and

it was heavily talked about at Skank Fest. You were talked about.
What did people say? Everybody says...

Everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing they've they've ever seen in their entire lives. They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery.

People are saying, the comedians are like, that's a brilliant special is do your stuff in front of a hip alt

audience that's literally there to see something else.

I heard it compared to somebody there said that it was like, oh, God, what was it?

It was like,

if Tool opened up for pink.

Somebody said something like that.

And it makes perfect sense.

Because you just are totally different. You're a different type of thing.
It was the right

thing.

Yeah, at the beginning, Tony, it was kind of hurting my feelings, but I've been good. I don't really

look at anything because it doesn't really matter. But I start thinking about it, Tony.
I'm thinking, well, what is the problem? So what? If I do comedy, I'm not allowed to bomb.

People just never bomb. I just, that's, that's all I didn't understand.
And then that's confused. That confused me just because, I don't know, it doesn't.
You didn't bomb, William.

That audience bombed. You didn't bomb, William.
God, Red Man, seriously, you're the last person I want to hear anything nice from, you dumbass.

Seriously, you're the last fucking idiot I want to hear anything from right now. I'm not feeling real great right now, just generally speaking.
So I don't really want to hear you right now. Seriously.

Seriously.

Kind of been feeling down today. So seriously, I don't want to hear you again.
Thank you.

Thank you, though. Thank you.
It's very great. I think you mean well.
I think you mean well.

Wow.

I love it. But yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi on Thursday, and thank God it felt good.
So I was able to get the other set out of my head.

And then I ended up going to the Grove to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida, and I was wearing Florida stuff.

And Tony, I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions, and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible.

I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence, and they're all screaming, and they were all screaming at me. They were saying, oh, you spent money on those clothes.

They kept on saying stuff like that. They were talking.
about

my mom. Yeah, the spending money on the clothes, that hurt me for some reason.

They were just screaming at me and then this one guy one guy recognized me and we shake hands in the midst of all this chaos and then the guy next to him He also goes out to shake my hand and then he pulls his hand up and they all laugh really and I'm thinking okay.

I just got to keep moving forward through this fucking horrible Situation. I felt literally like a Jewish person going to a

say it say it

Say it, but no, I mean that's really what I was thinking like he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd and he's like helping me kind of but then he can't because everybody else hates me.

Wow,

this guy knows what I'm talking about right now.

Fuck them, dude. First of all, I saw that clip.
It made me so happy because I adore you, and you were so you stayed in the pocket, you stayed you, you committed, you powered through.

And yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time, but you know, just fucking that audience didn't pick up on it. It's their fault.
Yeah, fuck them. I don't give a shit.

You know how many people you bring joy to all the time? Yeah, I don't give a shit.

Oh.

You hurt yourself? No. Oh.

So, what else have you been doing this week? You wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two Red Band jokes? Yes.

Where do you, what makes you write a Smokey and the Bandit joke? I watched Smokey and the Bandit this past week down in Mississippi. Oh.
And I was, and then,

yeah, and then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it, let's,

for the people, let's think turbines, just turbine, just saying people with turbans, I think is funny.

And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay, sideswiping people, 75 miles an hour.

Stuff like that. So that's the process.
Yeah, yeah. Just smoking a bunch of weed.
Is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing? Snack on or drink performance?

Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down.
And Red Band, don't shake your head yes at that.

Seriously, don't even look at me right now. Seriously, don't even look at me right now.
I've been feeling down today. I'm not even kidding.
Don't look at me right now.

But yeah, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks, so I got to get back on that. Oh, he's eating his glasses right now.

He's got edible, edible. Oh, Jesus, Red Band.
Okay. He's kind of like my dick at his mom's mouth the other day.

This kind of slaps so, yes, he's so old. So he's just kind of slopping her out in her fucking

Wow, what else does his mom do when you're with her? I'm kidding. That was mean.
No, okay.

All right.

Rebe is gonna go to me crying after this. So I'm like a little bitch.
That's why I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's gonna cry about that one after you think so?

William, you're so funny.

Oh my god.

I love it. I just love it.
Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned? You perhaps

opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future or anything like that? Any big paydays coming up? You opening up for perhaps

at the

School for the Deaf or something? Okloma City. I'll be in Oklahoma City in Tulsa, Oklahoma, in the middle of December.

Then I've got to figure out stuff for next year and there's stuff going on there right now. Oh, like what? A bunch of just different stuff going on.
What kind of stuff is going on? Stress today.

What are you stressing?

I'm not talking about it right now. Oh, boy, really? Yeah, yeah.
No way.

No way.

No way.

There's no, just no way. Yeah, kind of big things going on.
You have great ducks on your shirt. Thank you so much.
Where do you get a shirt? Like, this is eBay. eBay.
Yeah, eBay.

You get a lot of stuff off eBay? Yeah, recently I've been getting a bunch of Oriental rocks off eBay. Wow.

What else you've been getting off eBay?

Mainly just Oriental rugs, Tony!

Wow. How many Oriental rugs have you gotten? 15.
Wow. What are you doing with all these rugs? Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony.

I'm real sad, so I've just been getting fucking Oriental rugs off of fucking eBay. Like, really cool-looking ones.
Like, they look very cool. Like, I'm proud of it.
I feel good about them, but...

Every now and again, they'll smell. I fucking open them up out of the package and they fucking smell like mildew or something.
And I just think, God, I'm going to jump off of the building tonight.

Wow. This is a sign.
Wow.

And what's explain to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is.

Do they come,

do they? Do they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the box or something?

Like the ramen noodles do

What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug?

you're you're the master of it you bought 15 of them according to you so it should be a pretty easy question is it the design is it do they come with tony that's a great question i don't know i don't know

wow just a look thing it's a touch thing I get them shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this is a little thing I want to get off my chest.

Whoever the piece of shit who's working at FedEx who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment. You're a dumbass.

Literally, today I was getting something delivered to the apartment, and the person just takes a picture from the outside, somebody fucking with me. That's what I've been getting real paranoid, Tony.

I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here. They heard about the horrible sud.
Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place. I swear to God, that's where I'm at right now.

Have you thought about getting another escalator? No,

no, no.

no wow people get on fights on them oh they do yeah that's a thing yes adam ray you said you uh had you have 15 oriental rugs yes but i'm i'm i'm figuring it out i don't think i'm gonna ultimately end up with 15.

do you do they pad tie the room together or does it

okay

all right

not everything's gonna crush tonight um

did you um did you buy them like for a specific reason or was it just out of like boredom like a boredom purchase oh it's just some, it's a hardwood.

I'm working with hardwood floors

and I have to,

I'm getting rugs. Yeah.
It's been fun. I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff.

And then I look back at the pictures and then I look at the dimensions and then I go measure stuff for three hours. And then it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun.

Wow.

Amazing, William. Is there anything else you want to say to these people before we?

Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring.
I'm not even getting.

What are you measuring? Do you have a tape measure? Yes. And you use

a little tiny one. Yeah, it's a little small one.
So I have to make little marks on the floor when I'm doing like 15 feet. I have to make like 15 different marks.
It's like a foot long.

Wow. And that's stupid kind of.
Yeah, that's crazy, bro. So like making a carpet out of all the rugs? Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of each other.

You'll love it. Tony, you'll come see it.
I can't wait to see your compilation of Oriental rugs.

Is there anything else you're passionate about this week? Are rugs okay with being called Oriental?

Is that cool? Yeah. Yeah, that's what they are.
Oriental rugs. Yeah.

Just checking.

I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people at that show a couple of weeks ago, they would hear me say Oriental rugs and they they wouldn't even like that.

It's just like I'd be nothing, I mean, nothing by it.

And that's it's all gonna be, oh, he's saying oriental. And

I think you're all right.

I don't know what my mom sees in him. Like, really, like, I just, I just don't understand.
Like, I ask her all the time, like, mom, what are you doing? Okay, thank you, Tony.

Make some notes for the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it.
That's another episode. Thank you to Blue Chew and quote.
adam ray's new special or new theater tour who is me

is happening tickets are on sale at adam raycomedy calm the final dr phil

live from the one

and only

what is it the fuck wiltern theater that's right december 16th that's the final dr phil show i mean it is an absolute blowout i would be able to make it there but it's on a fucking monday on a tuesday but i have the monday thing it's crazy.

Ian Edwards' new special, Untitled, is out now. Check out Ian Edwards Stand Up on YouTube.
That's Ian Edwards Stand Up.

One more time for the best standban in the land, Red Band. Check out SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday.
We love you guys. Your last chance to get tickets for

the one and only Moody Center, New Year's Eve. All you people that say I try to get tickets, it's your only chance.
New Year's Eve, live from the Moody Center. It's going to be a hell of a blowout.

Way to end 2025. Live audience, thank you so much.
God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.
Thank you. Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets.

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