#746 - ADAM RAY + IAN EDWARDS

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Redband, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 6 Hey, this is Redman coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Get a over Tony!

Speaker 8 It's class!

Speaker 7 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 11 And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?

Speaker 12 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muelling, John Dees, and that is D-Madness

Speaker 14 on the bass guitar. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew and Quo.

Speaker 18 You guys ready for a great night?

Speaker 15 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 21 This podcast is brought to you by 420.com.

Speaker 23 People ask me all the time, do you miss California?

Speaker 24 The truth is, I miss the weed.

Speaker 24 California has the best weed in the world, the best cannabis in the world, the growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades, this is real quality and real experience.

Speaker 23 Now you can get that same California cannabis delivered right to your door.

Speaker 25 Make no mistake, this is cannabis. It uses the right cannabinoids so it can ship legally.

Speaker 24 But the quality and the feeling are exactly what you would expect from California. And these are the real brands.
Cookies, Sluggers, Death Row Records, Cannabis, Wild Gummies.

Speaker 23 For listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off.
And this episode is brought to you by 420.com. California delivered.

Speaker 26 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

Speaker 26 From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

Speaker 26 From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Mary's. Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.

Speaker 26 Make your next cocktail with Tito's, distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas.

Speaker 28 40% alcohol by volume. Savor responsibly.

Speaker 29 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Speaker 13 Here we go.

Speaker 30 This is it.

Speaker 32 Every single week I have two of the best guests on Planet Earth, two of the best comedians, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 35 This is a special one.

Speaker 36 Both returning guests.

Speaker 37 One of them,

Speaker 41 a returning guest of the year, a multi-layer guest of the year Hall of Famer with another one of my favorite comedy store comics of all time.

Speaker 33 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

Speaker 46 You're here for a special episode.

Speaker 48 This is Adam Ray and Ian Edwards.

Speaker 48 Adam Ray

Speaker 48 live in the flesh.

Speaker 48 Ian Edwards, let's go.

Speaker 48 It's all happening, people.

Speaker 42 Ian Edwards' new special untitled is now on YouTube under Ian Edwards stand up.

Speaker 14 You must check it out.

Speaker 15 Ian is a legend, comedy store super regular.

Speaker 56 And, I mean, him and I have been doing the thing goddamn forever.

Speaker 57 The old, the old, uh, and the new book.

Speaker 46 Well, the old bookers of the comedy store used to have us side by side all the time.

Speaker 61 10.15, 10.30, 10 45 11 9 45 10.

Speaker 63 so we are brothers in this welcome back ian

Speaker 65 make sure you check out his pleasure my pleasure

Speaker 67 what can i say this guy reminds me of dr phil he reminds me of elaine he reminds me of jeremy he reminds me of me

Speaker 70 of me

Speaker 67 This got it is the Hall of Fame guest of the year, Adam Ray.

Speaker 12 absolute royalty around these parts

Speaker 73 indeed

Speaker 52 perhaps not unarguably one of the greatest guests of all time love the show thanks for the intro got in today uh shaved red bands back an hour before the show

Speaker 16 and uh just fired up to be here man what a night it is going down the who is me theater tour adam ray's first giant theater tour january through april get tickets at adamraycomedy.com and the final ever, they say, even though I think I've heard this a couple times, the last ever Dr.

Speaker 77 Phil Live is happening December 16th.

Speaker 51 That's a real way to do it.

Speaker 38 You're like Floyd Mayweather Jr.

Speaker 82 You're like, this is my last fight. Yeah.

Speaker 52 You're going to have to get it.

Speaker 16 It's like that McRib.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 86 Yeah, the McRibs never coming back after this.

Speaker 17 You're going to be putting on that fucking bald cap for the rest of your life, dude.

Speaker 52 I'm probably going to die in it.

Speaker 52 Yeah, this will be the last one for a bit until you call Colin.

Speaker 79 Until what? Until you come, Colin. We'll do one more time.

Speaker 58 That's right.

Speaker 35 Absolutely. No doubt about it.

Speaker 49 What about one more time for Adam Ray and Ann Edwards?

Speaker 13 Two of the best guests to ever do it.

Speaker 14 And so they know how it works.

Speaker 63 Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this show.

Speaker 55 You know how it works.

Speaker 38 Their time is up.

Speaker 65 You hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 55 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood beer.

Speaker 65 Hell yes. How exciting.

Speaker 53 I'm going to let this gentleman with a drawn-on hairline pick the first

Speaker 20 name of the night.

Speaker 81 I didn't want to say anything.

Speaker 91 Hell yeah. This guy show up.

Speaker 93 This guy's got a sharpie of a haircut.

Speaker 20 Welcome, sir.

Speaker 92 He looks dangerous.

Speaker 94 He looks like he has a stabbable weapon in his pocket.

Speaker 14 It's gonna be fun.

Speaker 38 While we go wrangle that first bucket pull, we have one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show here to start it off.

Speaker 36 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner martin phillips everybody and like that the show has begun

Speaker 9 this is kill tony brought to you by blue chew and quo

Speaker 101 what's up okay cool um

Speaker 101 I was in, I was in Vegas.

Speaker 101 When people play poker, everyone has their tell. My tell is when I accidentally drop on my card

Speaker 101 and go, don't look, nobody look,

Speaker 103 time out, okay, come on, get me.

Speaker 11 And then

Speaker 101 as I brought my own gun to the roulette table, you know,

Speaker 99 I really

Speaker 101 really needed to be 21.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 101 When I used to work in middle school, I would get a lot of advice from their little school girls. And one of them told me, she said, if you like someone,

Speaker 101 you should

Speaker 101 find out where they live

Speaker 101 and let them know.

Speaker 101 And I said, Martin,

Speaker 101 I'm not doing that again.

Speaker 103 I can't go back.

Speaker 110 Martin Phillips

Speaker 13 getting us started with a bang.

Speaker 10 Is that true, Martin?

Speaker 96 Do you play poker sometimes?

Speaker 104 No, I saw it. No.

Speaker 112 Oh, okay.

Speaker 101 We went today because I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

Speaker 101 I was just building chips now. Like,

Speaker 101 let's see what happens. They don't have rules on the table, okay?

Speaker 114 Just for dumb people.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 107 Ian Edwards, what do you think?

Speaker 114 I would love to play polka with you.

Speaker 117 I don't even play, but this will be the first time I'll win.

Speaker 98 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 117 Beginner's luck.

Speaker 52 Have you played Crabs before?

Speaker 80 Oh, of course, baby.

Speaker 52 I knew the answer to that. I just wanted to see him do that.

Speaker 120 Hell yeah.

Speaker 107 Hell yeah.

Speaker 75 What's your favorite game in Vegas?

Speaker 121 What do you tend to do when you're there?

Speaker 114 Slots.

Speaker 112 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 107 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 104 What's that supposed to mean?

Speaker 21 Yeah, what is that supposed to mean?

Speaker 123 Martin.

Speaker 51 Is that true about the, what is the, what's the, what is your middle school thing?

Speaker 101 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 101 Yeah, there used to be,

Speaker 101 every day she would ask me, oh, Mr. Phillips, do you have a girlfriend? And I was always like, shut the fuck up.

Speaker 105 That's none of your business.

Speaker 101 And it is, her boyfriend, she said she had a boyfriend, but he went to a different school.

Speaker 101 Yeah, I was like, bitch. I heard that before.

Speaker 103 You made that shit up.

Speaker 55 How's your current love life going?

Speaker 38 You're a big superstar now.

Speaker 55 I mean, you're easily recognizable from your face and your walk.

Speaker 101 I have a very distinct

Speaker 101 figure, you know.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 100 It's hard to hide, you know?

Speaker 101 Yeah.

Speaker 60 You have a lot of fangirls coming up to you, Charlie?

Speaker 101 Not

Speaker 101 Nothing crazy. Yeah.

Speaker 101 It's never the ones you want, you know.

Speaker 52 Can you describe what those look like?

Speaker 87 Yeah.

Speaker 91 Just for their...

Speaker 101 I think you can imagine.

Speaker 101 Okay, okay, I didn't say that. Come on.

Speaker 54 But I mean, you must get lucky sometimes, right?

Speaker 53 You just

Speaker 127 want some blue, you know,

Speaker 101 I'm low-key, baby.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 126 Keep it.

Speaker 101 Keep it out in the DLO, dude. I don't want

Speaker 101 to stole it out there, you know.

Speaker 101 It's chill, you know?

Speaker 105 That's

Speaker 114 the real.

Speaker 107 I love it.

Speaker 93 Where do you get a shirt like that from?

Speaker 57 Where exactly do you get a shirt?

Speaker 72 If I stare at that,

Speaker 19 if I stare at that long enough, will I see a sailboat or something?

Speaker 34 Like, what exactly is going on there?

Speaker 52 It's got principal on a safari vibes.

Speaker 92 But it's nice. It fits.

Speaker 107 It's a cool shirt. Yeah.

Speaker 80 Literally, though, I genuinely know.

Speaker 80 I do.

Speaker 101 Every few buttons I do this thing called a stitch fix where they send me clothes and

Speaker 102 I have my own stylist.

Speaker 101 They send me clothes. I go through and I go, oh, this is nice.

Speaker 102 Oh, maybe.

Speaker 101 And that's my secret.

Speaker 52 You're doing a commercial for Stitch Fix. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Promo code PBL.

Speaker 101 People have been asking for you to do me.

Speaker 58 Okay,

Speaker 52 or just are you talking outside of people want me to fuck?

Speaker 83 Wait, what do you mean by that?

Speaker 52 I got to read the comments.

Speaker 110 Thanks so much.

Speaker 105 You were at the in-between the the lines.

Speaker 98 Wow.

Speaker 110 Okay.

Speaker 87 Well, if I am going to go gay, it will be with a cripple.

Speaker 52 That was my high school yearbook quote.

Speaker 84 Wow.

Speaker 113 Sick.

Speaker 129 Anything else crazy happening in life nowadays, Mark?

Speaker 101 You know, I'm

Speaker 105 Talk to you guys. Okay, I didn't even talk to.

Speaker 126 I didn't fuck you to say anything.

Speaker 110 I'm thinking, okay, I have to think.

Speaker 109 I can't think out loud.

Speaker 14 It's the noise when he's processing.

Speaker 94 He's like old internet dialogue.

Speaker 87 You said you didn't do impression.

Speaker 12 Come on, that's the only one I do.

Speaker 72 I know how to do old.

Speaker 130 Somebody just did you.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 60 So what else is going on, Martin?

Speaker 100 I don't know.

Speaker 101 I'm always, always somewhere traveling.

Speaker 100 I'm all over at the place.

Speaker 114 Come see me and you're nearest to me.

Speaker 80 Hell yeah.

Speaker 101 Come check it out.

Speaker 18 You're a superstar.

Speaker 101 Yes.

Speaker 80 You know,

Speaker 100 I don't know how this is going to work, but

Speaker 102 I had sent multiple videos by people.

Speaker 129 You ate sand at multiple theaters by people? Why would you eat sand at theaters by people?

Speaker 53 You knew what I said. No, I don't.

Speaker 37 I really don't.

Speaker 131 Can you repeat it as a true?

Speaker 42 I

Speaker 101 get

Speaker 104 sent

Speaker 51 multiple videos

Speaker 107 from people.

Speaker 101 And sometimes it's like

Speaker 100 another

Speaker 101 cripple guy that looks like me.

Speaker 101 But sometimes I get this. This has been sent more than once.
It's like

Speaker 101 frequency healing, where you have like a frequency thing, and if you put it to me, I didn't shake all the way out.

Speaker 119 And

Speaker 105 so

Speaker 9 I bought it.

Speaker 104 You put it.

Speaker 98 Oh my god. Oh, shit.

Speaker 133 It's time for the frequency thing.

Speaker 84 And Martin Phillips, he can't get it out of the bag.

Speaker 104 So

Speaker 104 we hit this.

Speaker 101 Uh-huh. And apparently he put it to me.
He'll shake everything out.

Speaker 101 And I am, you know, super, superman.

Speaker 105 Can we do it?

Speaker 101 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 Let's heal me.

Speaker 13 Let's heal Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 10 With the right vibration, anything is possible.

Speaker 39 Here goes Adam Ray, our very always active panelist.

Speaker 118 It's not going to give it to us, right?

Speaker 39 Ian Edwards.

Speaker 105 Just before, let's

Speaker 72 cover all the basics.

Speaker 136 I don't want all of us leaving here.

Speaker 101 You don't know where the frequency waves are going to go, you know?

Speaker 100 I have no idea how it works, but

Speaker 113 what I've seen.

Speaker 120 That way. Okay.

Speaker 86 Hold on.

Speaker 55 Put it up to the microphone.

Speaker 53 Put it up to the microphone, Adam.

Speaker 114 Here we go.

Speaker 79 Oh, he looks calm.

Speaker 44 Whoa, he stopped shaking.

Speaker 84 Whoa.

Speaker 138 Oh.

Speaker 101 Is it working?

Speaker 38 Oh my god, you seem still.

Speaker 129 No more eating sand outside of theaters for you.

Speaker 101 Okay, do it and then dodge me with it.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 67 I thought you'd never ask.

Speaker 139 You feel better?

Speaker 100 I think I don't know.

Speaker 101 This is quite the science experiment.

Speaker 105 This is great.

Speaker 52 I was told I wouldn't be doing this on tonight's episode.

Speaker 101 That's a good start.

Speaker 92 It's a good start.

Speaker 51 We'll keep doing it.

Speaker 94 Make sure you put the little fancy cover back on it or else it might get damaged or something.

Speaker 15 You have to keep that tuner in tip-op shape.

Speaker 104 It's dirty and pork-in-how's everybody feel

Speaker 80 normal. All right.

Speaker 104 How do you feel?

Speaker 141 I feel like if you just take off your glasses, you'll be straight.

Speaker 141 You're like the most handsome cerebral palsy person I've ever met.

Speaker 72 You really are.

Speaker 142 I've never asked

Speaker 136 a handicapped person for their skin regimen before.

Speaker 101 An actual baby.

Speaker 124 I don't know.

Speaker 129 I don't know if we've ever.

Speaker 101 It went both ways, but I got the skin part.

Speaker 129 I don't know if we've ever seen you take your glasses off.

Speaker 143 Can you look out there and take your glasses off real quick?

Speaker 80 By the way.

Speaker 68 Oh, a little disclaimer incoming here.

Speaker 101 I was going to say these are new glasses.

Speaker 107 Oh.

Speaker 101 These are my liberal cuck glasses.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 112 Okay.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 42 My God.

Speaker 90 Unbelievable.

Speaker 105 Getting bitches.

Speaker 94 Martin, you've done it again.

Speaker 31 You got the show started for us.

Speaker 94 It's not easy opening this show, and you did it yet again.

Speaker 12 One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, Martin Phillips.

Speaker 66 And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is where things get interesting as we make the switch over to the big bucket of destiny here.

Speaker 47 Some of these people are completely insane.

Speaker 39 Some of them are the next greatest talent in all of comedy, waiting to be discovered.

Speaker 47 Some people sign up once they get up.

Speaker 31 Some people have been signing up for months and months with no luck.

Speaker 36 Anything can happen.

Speaker 52 You're watching it all live.

Speaker 47 Your first bucket pull of the night is John Cheney with an uninterrupted minute.

Speaker 12 John Cheney, here we go.

Speaker 139 In 2004, I married a Pakistani woman when I was in the military. They said, keep your friends close and enemies closer.

Speaker 139 Can't get any closer than inside of them.

Speaker 139 That didn't pay off in Iraq so much.

Speaker 139 Let's see, what else we want to talk about tonight? I'm nervous as hell, y'all. I did bad on this last time a few years ago.

Speaker 139 I know you're not supposed to talk bad about your ex, but

Speaker 140 let's just put it this way.

Speaker 102 My ex,

Speaker 139 if she was a cross breed of dogs she'd be a mix of a dachshund and a pit bull

Speaker 115 nobody

Speaker 140 nobody a wiener pit nobody nobody got that

Speaker 140 okay speaking of kids I got three of them

Speaker 146 when

Speaker 139 my oldest was four a long time ago he's in college now but

Speaker 139 For Halloween, I dressed him up as a suicide bomber

Speaker 139 Because what scare you're knocking on your door the 15th uh spider-man of the evening or a four-year-old pakistani kid in a man dress in a suicide vest

Speaker 112 that instead of saying trick-or-treats yelling a la snack bar

Speaker 112 a la

Speaker 49 snack bar there at the end from john cheney it's a good punchline You have three kids, John?

Speaker 61 Yes, I do.

Speaker 63 And it appears as though you have triplets on the way as well.

Speaker 119 At least.

Speaker 143 I love it. You were on this show a few years ago, you said?

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 148 And it didn't go good.

Speaker 102 Well, the interview went well.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 68 What did we talk about in the interview?

Speaker 65 Your Pakistani ex-wife?

Speaker 101 No, not.

Speaker 102 I mean, like, a little bit, but...

Speaker 81 Are you still with her?

Speaker 58 Fuck no.

Speaker 56 Okay. That didn't last long.

Speaker 81 How long did that last?

Speaker 114 12 years.

Speaker 113 12 painful years.

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 139 But

Speaker 139 no, we talked about...

Speaker 139 Me seeing a watching a guy fuck a goat.

Speaker 93 That was the highlight of it. You saw a guy fuck a goat?

Speaker 107 Yeah, in Iraq.

Speaker 97 Oh, okay.

Speaker 122 The bad guy.

Speaker 95 Well, the bad guy's fucked.

Speaker 15 It wasn't an American soldier.

Speaker 58 No.

Speaker 114 Right. I hope not.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 18 That'd be weird.

Speaker 63 So what's been going on since then, John?

Speaker 124 How old are you?

Speaker 113 I am 43.

Speaker 150 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 139 This is like my fourth or fifth time.

Speaker 19 Fourth or fifth time ever on stage? Yeah.

Speaker 75 And you were on years ago?

Speaker 139 A few years ago, yeah. I was living in northwest Tennessee in the middle of nowhere.
I just spent the last two years trying to sell my house so I could move here.

Speaker 114 Had to go to court to get permission to move my daughter with me.

Speaker 139 Okay. Made it happen and moved here this past Saturday.

Speaker 51 Congratulations.

Speaker 142 Look at you, John Cheney.

Speaker 98 Moved to Austin.

Speaker 62 All right, John.

Speaker 42 Hell yeah, Ian.

Speaker 141 I think you're funny.

Speaker 140 You're just nervous as shit. You're shaking more than the first guest.

Speaker 126 Yeah, it is true.

Speaker 98 It is true.

Speaker 16 That's bad. That's bad.

Speaker 80 You are very nervous, right?

Speaker 113 Very nervous, yeah.

Speaker 93 You watch the show regularly?

Speaker 107 Yes.

Speaker 49 And you're in it right now.

Speaker 123 Of course. So now you're in the interview portion.
Right.

Speaker 15 What do you think you didn't tell us last time you were on that we would find interesting in the interview portion this time?

Speaker 61 You've had years to think about it.

Speaker 139 Let's see. I don't know if they'll find it interesting, but I spent some time.

Speaker 46 Talk right into the tip of that.

Speaker 146 I spent some time in where you're from, Youngstown.

Speaker 75 What were you doing in Youngstown?

Speaker 139 You know,

Speaker 102 Lincoln Place?

Speaker 84 Yeah?

Speaker 139 Yep, was there for a while.

Speaker 96 What were you doing at Lincoln Place?

Speaker 139 Just got put in there by the court.

Speaker 77 Wait, what is Lincoln Place?

Speaker 93 I thought it was like a shopping mall, but now.

Speaker 113 No, no, no.

Speaker 139 It was a rehabilitation center

Speaker 16 for kids. Teens.

Speaker 58 Well, why were you put there?

Speaker 139 The courts put me there.

Speaker 77 They put you in a rehabilitation center for teens.

Speaker 15 Yes. So when you were a teen, this happened.

Speaker 139 Yeah, I was 17 at the time. Okay.

Speaker 110 Gotcha. That was a rough.

Speaker 52 All right.

Speaker 15 Mike, what have you done in the last few years, John?

Speaker 11 You've had time to think.

Speaker 20 Well, I got sent to a teen rehabilitation center.

Speaker 139 That'd be fun.

Speaker 52 I bet it would be, you creepozoid.

Speaker 94 Look at this guy.

Speaker 104 Kill them, kids.

Speaker 52 You sure you weren't the guy who fucked the goat?

Speaker 104 Not that night.

Speaker 52 Not that night. You said you're 43, right? Yes.
I'm 43.

Speaker 140 Okay. You look like my dad.

Speaker 84 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 140 Two trips to Iraq will do that to you.

Speaker 52 Yeah, for sure. Okay, so yeah.
Just life is weathered, weathered you down.

Speaker 113 Three kids, bad marriage.

Speaker 52 Yeah, dude, enough sense.

Speaker 97 Three.

Speaker 52 Hell yeah.

Speaker 114 Hell yeah.

Speaker 75 You're like Burt Kreischer if he was called the sleep apnea machine.

Speaker 73 That checks out.

Speaker 105 Definitely checks out.

Speaker 52 That was funny.

Speaker 77 You look like Bert if all of his potatoes were fully loaded.

Speaker 152 All right.

Speaker 152 John, what are you doing for work nowadays?

Speaker 113 Retired military.

Speaker 114 Retired military.

Speaker 18 And tell us, what else did you see in Iraq?

Speaker 77 Tell us what it's like being an American hero.

Speaker 75 And by that, I mean the sandwich.

Speaker 42 Not a hero.

Speaker 113 It's boring most of the time.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 139 It's not action every day.

Speaker 153 Right. What exactly did you do in the military?

Speaker 114 I was artillery.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 35 You ever shoot anybody?

Speaker 114 Well, I mean, we shoot at people. It's artillery.

Speaker 113 Kind of shooting in the general direction and trying to take out like trying to talk to me like I'm an asshole.

Speaker 32 So what'd you do?

Speaker 56 Miss, motherfucker?

Speaker 92 Shot at people.

Speaker 131 I fucking sucked.

Speaker 140 We don't choose where we shoot. They tell us us where to shoot, and we just shoot that general direction.

Speaker 117 Were you shaking like this when you were shooting?

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Sometimes. No wonder the war took this long.

Speaker 72 You missed it.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 139 We talked about it last time.

Speaker 113 I was a drill sergeant also.

Speaker 113 Oh, okay.

Speaker 139 I wasn't always like this.

Speaker 102 I look like I ate myself.

Speaker 75 It's a good point. You do look like you ate yourself, John.

Speaker 38 Are your kids big too, normally?

Speaker 80 Not at all.

Speaker 55 Healthy kids.

Speaker 139 Very, very much so. All straight A students, nerds.

Speaker 120 It's weird.

Speaker 93 I don't know where the big kids are. What's so packed?

Speaker 143 Do they seem Pakistani?

Speaker 120 My oldest does.

Speaker 139 The other two, not so much. My daughter tans really well, though.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 134 All right.

Speaker 72 So they're 50.

Speaker 52 Do you see how everybody was trying to decide how they felt about that?

Speaker 36 They're 50-50 you and Pakistani, so that makes them snack packs.

Speaker 42 Am I correct?

Speaker 105 Sure.

Speaker 65 all right John well fun times welcome back you're getting there you got a little joke book last time I'm guessing right big you got a big one yep well this time before Christmas this time you're getting a medium one I was in the giving mode last time John John Cheney

Speaker 94 oh my god this guy was fighting for our country over the Seuss can't even

Speaker 73 years ago oh okay there he goes how about a hamburger John Cheney just moved here this week that's what I'm talking about some of these people sign up for a year straight they don't get on

Speaker 73 oh my god

Speaker 14 there she is the lovely Heidi ladies and gentlemen her show love on the line is at heidi regina calm Hi, this podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

Speaker 21 Talkspace is the number one rated online therapy, bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access anytime, anywhere.

Speaker 21 Talkspace therapy and psychiatry is covered by most insurers, and most insured members pay a copay of $0. Find a licensed provider provider that's the right fit for your needs.

Speaker 21 We all know that therapy can be costly, but part of the mission of Talkspace is to provide quality care that is accessible and affordable.

Speaker 21 Whether or not you are insured, Talkspace makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable.

Speaker 155 Oh, man, Tony, I love Talkspace. I think they're providing the best mental health treatment out there.
I personally think therapy is amazing and can help with moments of real transformation.

Speaker 137 Oh, yeah, that's right. We're reading ads.

Speaker 21 As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space80. That's S-P-A-C-80.

Speaker 21 To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space80.

Speaker 21 Hello there, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Zippercruiter, folks.
I love holiday movies. They have the best plots, an off-beat family gathering, a child's wish, even a holiday miracle.

Speaker 21 To make those holiday favorites, it takes a team of talented people from actors to editors to props, sound crew, and more.

Speaker 21 And when it comes to building such a team, whether it's for the entertainment industry or a wide range of other industries, you need to hire the right people.

Speaker 21 The best way to do that is with ZipRecruiter. And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com/slash killtony, a red band.

Speaker 155 Of course, Tony, I love ZipRecruiter. They're the best hiring site around.
ZipRecruiter's matching technology works fast to find top talent. So you don't waste your time or money.

Speaker 155 Now you can find out right away how many job seekers are in your area qualified for your role.

Speaker 21 And with ZipRecruiter's advanced resume database, you can instantly unlock top candidates contact info it's amazing indeed I don't want to be home alone this holiday season that's for sure so make your hiring a little merrier with ZipRecruiter four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day just go to this exclusive web address right now to try zip recruiter for free that's zip recruiter.com slash killtony again that's zip recruiter.com slash killtony zip recruiter the smartest way to hire

Speaker 47 your second bucket pull is ready This looks like a new name.

Speaker 68 Let's see if it is.

Speaker 82 Make some noise for Michael Hines, everyone.

Speaker 47 We're gonna meet Michael all together.

Speaker 135 I want to be the strong, silent type like John Wayne, but I'm really more of a fat, gay clown like John Wayne Gacy.

Speaker 135 I'm polyamorous, just not by choice. Every girl I fuck is banging someone else.

Speaker 135 The two things taking jobs in this country are AI and a la

Speaker 135 I think marriage is a lot like hitting women. If you think you would never do it, you probably just haven't met the right girl.

Speaker 135 My opinion on abortion is you probably shouldn't unless it's mine because I'm just really not ready to be a dad yet.

Speaker 135 So, you know, same as every guy.

Speaker 135 Do you guys know why Jesus is in such good shape? He's the original crossfitter.

Speaker 156 A lot of quick jokes.

Speaker 98 There he goes.

Speaker 131 Michael Hines.

Speaker 13 You've been on this show before?

Speaker 145 Yes, sir.

Speaker 55 Welcome back, Michael.

Speaker 135 Thank you very much.

Speaker 29 How did that feel compared to last time?

Speaker 135 Last time went pretty well, too, Tony.

Speaker 15 You're doing good, Michael.

Speaker 95 Thank you. Hell yeah.

Speaker 150 Remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 135 Just over two and a half years.

Speaker 46 Two and a half years.

Speaker 138 What do you do for work?

Speaker 135 I'm a realtor's assistant, open houses and stuff.

Speaker 99 Wow.

Speaker 135 Put on a nice shirt.

Speaker 42 Okay, Adam Ray.

Speaker 52 You look like you're going to shoot up a bass pro shop. Yeah.

Speaker 72 It does.

Speaker 92 That is exactly what he looks like.

Speaker 135 So I think I have a concussion right now.

Speaker 35 How'd you get a concussion?

Speaker 135 On the way over to sign up for Kill Tony on Frontage Road, I got rear-ended by a guy going like 50 miles an hour.

Speaker 51 Whoa, I also got rear-ended by a guy today.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 129 What ethnicity was the guy that hit you?

Speaker 135 Take a guess, Tony.

Speaker 11 No, I'm going to let you just say it.

Speaker 52 Welcome back to America's Most Racist Game Show.

Speaker 91 Yeah, I am.

Speaker 154 Take a guess, Tony.

Speaker 99 Yeah.

Speaker 31 No way.

Speaker 38 I just ask the great questions, and that leaves you with the responsibility to be the racist.

Speaker 135 Hey, man, that's not my fault. If anything, it's on that guy.
He's not doing a good job.

Speaker 129 I'm gonna ask you again: what ethnicity was the guy that hit you, Michael?

Speaker 51 The world wants to know.

Speaker 135 He was white.

Speaker 135 No, I'm not staying out of this one. He was not.

Speaker 44 Let's, we all, Michael, answer the fucking question, you idiot.

Speaker 135 There you go.

Speaker 126 We know this.

Speaker 37 No, I didn't know that, Michael.

Speaker 93 It could have been Asian, too.

Speaker 10 Let me ask you this.

Speaker 5 He wouldn't have run.

Speaker 95 Okay, did

Speaker 47 the

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 52 Where's Martin's fucking tranquilizer thing?

Speaker 68 Did he run?

Speaker 86 He rear-ended you and then took off?

Speaker 135 Well, he apologized first, and then he got out of there.

Speaker 67 He got out of his car, apologized, got it.

Speaker 135 He pulled his window down. I got out of my car.
And he said, my bad, bro, and whipped out of there.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 132 Damn.

Speaker 29 Was your car damaged?

Speaker 135 Fuck yeah, it's damaged. He was going 50 miles an hour.

Speaker 77 How do you know it was exactly 50?

Speaker 15 You keep saying 50.

Speaker 135 Well, I think he was going faster than the speed limit, and the speed limit's 40. So it's a guess, goddamn.

Speaker 15 Ian Edwards.

Speaker 81 I think the guys here just didn't want to miss kill Tony.

Speaker 55 Yeah, he may have signed up well. We're gonna find out later.

Speaker 159 He's gonna be like, yay, I rear-ended a guy.

Speaker 82 I had to get here.

Speaker 159 It's been a crazy day.

Speaker 156 I rear-ended some bitch-ass nerd before I got here.

Speaker 123 Interesting. Interesting.
What?

Speaker 55 What kind of car was you driving?

Speaker 123 Red Band wants to know.

Speaker 135 Some silver shitty

Speaker 135 1990 something.

Speaker 114 I don't know.

Speaker 135 I don't know cars, Tony. Do I sound like I know cars to you?

Speaker 52 I don't know. You just Rainman guessed the miles per hour three times.

Speaker 52 I think you have some idea.

Speaker 80 Fair enough.

Speaker 52 Your jokes are really funny.

Speaker 34 Thank you. Yeah, very funny, Michael.

Speaker 53 What else is going on in life?

Speaker 65 Tell us more about your private personal life.

Speaker 58 We want to know.

Speaker 135 You know, I've just been trying to lose weight, Tony. I'm a pretty big fat pig right now.

Speaker 79 Well, again, compared to the last guy, you're a fucking.

Speaker 135 Well, I don't want to be compared to the last guy, Tony.

Speaker 15 Okay, Michael.

Speaker 31 How have you been trying to lose weight?

Speaker 135 Uh, just working out and stuff, but my knees are pretty shot from the Marine Corps, so I can't. I used to, like, run and do hard shit, but now I'm a big pussy and my knees hurt.

Speaker 68 So you were in the Marine Corps?

Speaker 135 Yes, sir.

Speaker 49 What's up with all these fat veterans coming in today?

Speaker 98 those?

Speaker 70 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 83 Did you fuck a goat?

Speaker 135 A goat? No.

Speaker 135 I just fucked ugly girls domestically. I didn't go abroad.

Speaker 14 He's doing it, Michael Kynes.

Speaker 13 Tell us about your time in the military.

Speaker 35 What did you do over there?

Speaker 157 Thank you for your service.

Speaker 135 It was a tremendous waste of time. Right after boot camp, the pandemic happened.
So I ended up spending, I went on to my next training schools.

Speaker 135 There was a six-week water survival school, and I was there for 14 months because the base was just shut down because the command was a bunch of gay liberals.

Speaker 135 They hated Ron DeSantis, so they were like, if you leave the base, you're going to get sick. And we just weren't allowed to train for 14 months.
We did a lot of cleaning, running the beach.

Speaker 135 It was kind of nice.

Speaker 135 But a big waste of time.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 15 Is that how you hurt your knees?

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 135 Log runs and crawling up hills and other bullshit that we didn't need to do. Yeah, it did kind of fuck me up.

Speaker 52 Well, we were trying to get you guys strong, but you kept eating all the gushers.

Speaker 30 Joe Biden, that's right.

Speaker 52 This guy was 95 pounds before he got out of the motion.

Speaker 129 Running on the sandy beaches of Florida.

Speaker 61 What an unbelievable hero you are, Michael.

Speaker 135 Thank you guys. I appreciate it.

Speaker 85 Tell us about your real personal life before we get you out of here.

Speaker 60 What's your love life like right now, Michael? You seem like a real fucking creep.

Speaker 135 I got laid like three weeks ago. Girls don't really like me for more than a day or two, so it's more of a one-and-done kind of deal.
Okay.

Speaker 135 And they're not that good looking either, so I'm not bragging. Right.
It's just what it is.

Speaker 56 Welcome to another episode of The Girls I Hook Up With Aren't Good Looking.

Speaker 95 Starring Everyone.

Speaker 18 So this girl three weeks ago, where did you meet her at?

Speaker 135 At a show, at the Narbar comedy.

Speaker 97 Wow, okay.

Speaker 35 So what exactly happened?

Speaker 18 She came up to you after your set?

Speaker 135 Yeah, she was a, you know, she was actually not that bad looking as far as for me goes. She probably could have, she probably could have lose 10 pounds, but who's talking?

Speaker 135 She was a beautiful Latina, Tony, down by the border. Uh-huh.
And I raw dogged her. Okay.
It was pretty cool.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 75 Where did this take place at?

Speaker 46 You took her back to your place?

Speaker 51 Oh, hell yeah, Tony.

Speaker 135 I don't got no roommates.

Speaker 15 And then, so, what happens?

Speaker 129 You walk her in.

Speaker 31 What do you do?

Speaker 55 Do you offer her a drink or something?

Speaker 75 Take us through the exact order of events at your home.

Speaker 53 What's it like getting raw dogged by Michael Hines?

Speaker 72 Here.

Speaker 87 I'm getting word that the world wants to know.

Speaker 154 Can I be the girl? Yeah.

Speaker 52 All right, so let's set the scene. I'm the girl.

Speaker 52 Give me some romantic music, guys.

Speaker 52 Wow, Michael, this is such a cool, I guess, apartment. Is that what you call it?

Speaker 135 Yes, I do.

Speaker 83 What?

Speaker 135 Yes, I do call it an apartment.

Speaker 5 Oh.

Speaker 135 Remember earlier at the restaurant when you said you can't eat your food all the way if I'm going to fuck you because you don't want to fart?

Speaker 52 I do remember saying that.

Speaker 52 By the way,

Speaker 52 by the way, you crushed at the Narbar comedy show.

Speaker 135 Thank you. I appreciate it.

Speaker 135 I'm going to finish that burger, and then I'm going to plow you.

Speaker 52 Okay, but don't record me like you did the whole Uber ride over here.

Speaker 135 Well, you gave me your consent on camera, so we're good with that, you know?

Speaker 52 Yeah, but only after you gave me that pill.

Speaker 52 Which was my plan B that I dropped, so it's on me. Perfect, yeah.

Speaker 52 Which, where do you want to go, by the way? Like, do you have a bedroom or just this futon?

Speaker 135 Well, I do have a bedroom with a mattress on the floor.

Speaker 52 What a weird way to say you have a bed.

Speaker 38 The girl acknowledges the unframed posters on the wall.

Speaker 52 Oh my god. I didn't know there was a Goonies 2.

Speaker 52 Where the fuck did you get that?

Speaker 52 You must mean business.

Speaker 91 He tries to distract her from the Goonies 2 poster.

Speaker 135 Girl, let's get real loud and wake up my downstairs neighbor. She's a bitch.

Speaker 84 Wait, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 52 I don't like that type of language unless you're fucking me.

Speaker 135 Actually, you do.

Speaker 91 Oh, okay.

Speaker 72 Am I being practical jokers right now?

Speaker 52 So you said you had something to drink. What sort of beverages are in your fridge, Mike?

Speaker 135 Hill Country Farm Diet Root Beer.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 14 Someone's trying to lose 10 pounds.

Speaker 52 Ooh, that's just my favorite type of Hillcrest soda.

Speaker 135 It's a guilty pleasure.

Speaker 52 You're a guilty pleasure.

Speaker 52 Can I ask you a personal question, Mike? Okay. Do you have any condoms?

Speaker 161 No.

Speaker 42 I knew that.

Speaker 52 I knew that by the poster next to the Goonies poster that says, I raw dog everything.

Speaker 52 So I guess I'll take my pants off.

Speaker 135 You better.

Speaker 98 whoa

Speaker 135 but in a loving and affectionate way after consent

Speaker 52 Very kind cover your bases good job Michael Boy, I guess I'll lay down because it looks like your knees are in pretty bad shape

Speaker 135 You're gonna have to get on top and do most of this to be honest cuz a lot of me's in really bad shape

Speaker 52 I hope my fupa doesn't bother you.

Speaker 135 I'm gonna lick that fupa guy.

Speaker 112 Bring it over here.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 98 All right.

Speaker 70 This is out of control.

Speaker 131 This party is crazy.

Speaker 3 I don't know how.

Speaker 82 What do you say after you finish?

Speaker 104 Thank you. Wow.

Speaker 13 Wow, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Hines.

Speaker 10 Only on Netflix can you see something like Michael Hines raw dogging a Latina fan from Narbar.

Speaker 52 Do you mind if my black friend watches?

Speaker 135 Girl, I thought we both knew he was.

Speaker 80 I left halfway through.

Speaker 118 It's the worst porn I ever heard in my life.

Speaker 31 So did you have her spend the night or did she leave that night?

Speaker 135 I ubered her out of there, Tony.

Speaker 90 Wow, Michael.

Speaker 76 Uber X?

Speaker 135 No, I don't know. I can't afford that.
The cheapest one.

Speaker 41 That Uber sucks.

Speaker 135 Very good. Yeah, I guess so.

Speaker 37 You gave her a lift?

Speaker 135 Yeah, I got her out of there, Tony. It was over.

Speaker 78 All right, Michael.

Speaker 31 You got a big joke book last time, you run?

Speaker 51 Yes, sir.

Speaker 65 You still have it?

Speaker 87 I do, but

Speaker 87 it's full, yeah.

Speaker 51 Is it really filled it's full all right then you get a new one there you go

Speaker 67 wow still not a cot jokebook tonight how exciting is that good job dude thank you charles

Speaker 49 all right Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Big Stew, everybody.

Speaker 41 It's time for a minute from Big Stew.

Speaker 145 Oh, Oh shit.

Speaker 130 What it do, comedy mother shit.

Speaker 115 My name is Big Stew.

Speaker 115 I've been using this Duolingo app, right? Trying to communicate better with my coworkers.

Speaker 115 And I just found out they don't even teach you the correct type of Spanish. They teach you Spanish from like Spain.

Speaker 115 So if you use that app and you go to Central America or South America, you're going to sound like a fucking dork.

Speaker 115 And they're not going to tell you either. It's going to be like, oh, ah, como está ustoros.

Speaker 115 And they're just going to be like,

Speaker 115 bien. But in parentheses, they're going to be like, this guy's a piece of shit.

Speaker 115 But that begs the question that if a Mexican dude learned English on Duolingo, would he come to America all like, oh, it's Chues Day, isn't it?

Speaker 115 My name's Big Stu. What'd it do?

Speaker 50 Hell yeah, filling in the last five seconds of time there perfectly with a catchphrase that nobody needed.

Speaker 133 Big Stu.

Speaker 29 Is this your first time on the show?

Speaker 115 I did this show in 2019.

Speaker 122 Okay.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 162 So how long you been on stand-up total?

Speaker 97 Uh, total?

Speaker 115 Oh, man. Maybe a year and a half?

Speaker 18 Well, that was six years ago, so

Speaker 41 how could you be doing that?

Speaker 115 I'm thinking about all of them if you add them all together because I would do it for a couple months, quit for a couple years.

Speaker 37 Why do you quit for a couple years every couple months?

Speaker 115 It's just hard to stay motivated in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Speaker 77 Oh, is that where you still live?

Speaker 115 No, I moved here a while ago.

Speaker 58 How long's a while ago?

Speaker 115 Almost two years?

Speaker 75 Almost two years ago.

Speaker 55 So you've been doing it a year and a half, but you were on in 2019, and you moved here two years ago because it's hard to do in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but you've only been doing it a year and a half.

Speaker 115 I mean, all together.

Speaker 115 You keep saying all together, but if you count, I did it for a couple months in 2015, a couple months in 2019, and I have been going consistent since March of this year.

Speaker 89 Okay. All right.

Speaker 38 Why do you think you lose motivation so often, Big Stew?

Speaker 34 By the way, you have big in your name, and you're the smallest guy that's been on the show tonight, just to let you know.

Speaker 115 Well, I was like 40 pounds heavier in January.

Speaker 81 Okay. How'd you lose the weight?

Speaker 59 The last four comedians want to know.

Speaker 49 And Red Band.

Speaker 115 Diet and exercise.

Speaker 29 Diet and exercise.

Speaker 31 Have you tried Hill Country Diaroot Beer?

Speaker 103 No, I haven't.

Speaker 80 No, I will.

Speaker 54 So, Big Stew, what got you motivated?

Speaker 85 What gets you motivated?

Speaker 55 You're clearly easily unmotivated.

Speaker 75 How do you stay motivated?

Speaker 115 Move to Austin. That helped.

Speaker 42 Uh-huh.

Speaker 114 Other than that?

Speaker 115 Other than that.

Speaker 114 Now that you're here.

Speaker 115 Sometimes I'll take acid and get really motivated to do shit.

Speaker 97 Okay, Big Stew.

Speaker 85 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 115 Right now I work at a place called Build-A-Sign.

Speaker 81 What is that?

Speaker 115 I make flags and tablecloths.

Speaker 97 Oh, okay.

Speaker 60 What kind of flags are you made?

Speaker 79 A lot of trans flags?

Speaker 115 Mostly a lot of businesses, people

Speaker 115 for their business.

Speaker 123 Have you made a trans flag?

Speaker 115 I've made a few.

Speaker 51 Look at that. See?

Speaker 65 They make flags over there.

Speaker 53 I've been looking this whole time.

Speaker 86 Yeah, I've been looking for one.

Speaker 144 I can't find one anywhere.

Speaker 79 Okay, Big Stew.

Speaker 65 Give us some fun fun facts about your life.

Speaker 162 Do you have any special skills or talents that might surprise us?

Speaker 115 I can kick myself in the head.

Speaker 95 Oh, absolutely.

Speaker 144 Put the mic in the mic stand.

Speaker 14 We definitely need to see this.

Speaker 10 It's starting to all make sense, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 That is how you end up on.

Speaker 73 Oh, my God.

Speaker 41 Oh, my God. It counts.

Speaker 13 That is not how I expected that to go.

Speaker 154 That was a true sidekick to the head to the direct to the forehead.

Speaker 14 I kind of thought your foot was gonna go up high, but no, you leaned your head down and kind of just sidekicked yourself.

Speaker 84 I think we could all do that, by the way.

Speaker 124 Just none of us would ever do that.

Speaker 10 How many of you want to see Red Band try that right now?

Speaker 10 Come on, Red Band. You can do it.

Speaker 10 He's here to make kill Tony history right now.

Speaker 98 We once saw him try to suck his own dick.

Speaker 119 Oh, use his hand.

Speaker 119 Redband

Speaker 86 Redband coming about three and a half feet away from his head on the first try.

Speaker 82 The physical limitations are incredibly whistling away.

Speaker 87 We're getting old, buddy. We're getting old.

Speaker 57 He's like, I could do that.

Speaker 40 I heard three discs pop out of his spinal cords.

Speaker 52 That was like watching your kid jump off the high high dive and just flailing to the bottom.

Speaker 42 Oh my god.

Speaker 74 Your belly hurts now? Oh my god.

Speaker 112 He pulled my belly button.

Speaker 87 He pulled his belly button, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 57 Not everybody can be the physical anomaly that Big Stew is over here.

Speaker 31 Guy's been kicking himself in his head.

Speaker 75 How long have you been kicking yourself in the head for, Big Stew?

Speaker 94 We're learning a lot about how you ended up like this.

Speaker 115 As long as I can remember.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 55 Like the family has you do it.

Speaker 63 Hey, big stew, show them your trick.

Speaker 74 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 129 Wow, that's a big thing in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Speaker 164 You could have been mayor with a trick like that.

Speaker 73 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 52 What's the biggest crowd you've done that for?

Speaker 16 This one? Yeah.

Speaker 95 Yeah, before that, how about before this?

Speaker 15 You know what?

Speaker 31 I'm not going to make you think that hard about it.

Speaker 72 What do you do?

Speaker 143 Did I ask you what you do for work?

Speaker 115 Yeah, yeah, I make flags.

Speaker 55 That's right. You make flags.

Speaker 63 What's the craziest flag or sign you've ever had to make in which you're like, God, damn, we really have to do this?

Speaker 115 Somebody had a flag. It was like Super Mario Brothers, but it said something about ketamine.

Speaker 49 Very good.

Speaker 94 Very quick on those Mario.

Speaker 95 You got that Mario board figured out.

Speaker 52 You kind of look like Andrew Santino if he quit comedy to manage a little Caesars.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it is true.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Do you ever get that? Like, who do you get like with the beard and stuff? Like you get, you have like a 90s movie character look, right?

Speaker 52 You don't get that? Like you worked at a video store or something?

Speaker 115 No, I don't think so. I don't get a lot of that.

Speaker 112 Porn?

Speaker 103 Porn? Yeah.

Speaker 164 What's your love life like?

Speaker 95 I gotta know.

Speaker 75 You seem like the kind of guy that would make love to a tree in the woods or something like that.

Speaker 115 I'm not dating anybody, but back home at Tulsa, I've got a few reliable booty calls that keeps me sane.

Speaker 95 Ooh, we a few reliable booty calls.

Speaker 76 So like the last booty call you had like can you can you walk us through that?

Speaker 65 What's that like?

Speaker 165 What's it like hanging out with a guy like Big Stew?

Speaker 8 Hey big.

Speaker 46 Those are crickets for no reason.

Speaker 60 Oh, it's a frog. Okay.

Speaker 93 There's a frog in your house.

Speaker 15 Go ahead Big Stew.

Speaker 115 Just a hotel and a little bit of tequila.

Speaker 58 Wow.

Speaker 15 That's all. Why do you get a hotel?

Speaker 65 Take us through the thought process of of getting a hotel.

Speaker 75 You didn't like your place in Tulsa?

Speaker 55 Not the kind of place?

Speaker 56 No,

Speaker 115 I mean, it's whenever I go back to Tulsa.

Speaker 62 I get a hotel.

Speaker 52 For the hookers?

Speaker 16 For the hookers, yep.

Speaker 14 So you hook up with hookers?

Speaker 51 No, no, not hookers. Okay.

Speaker 34 How about here in Austin?

Speaker 59 Have you hooked up with a girl in Austin since you got here in March?

Speaker 55 Okay, so like, where did you find that girl at?

Speaker 115 It was whenever I was living across the street and working as a door guy.

Speaker 115 So it kind of...

Speaker 102 Where were you a door guy at?

Speaker 115 I was a door guy at Peckerheads and Burnside.

Speaker 77 This is all here on 6th Street.

Speaker 51 So

Speaker 35 how did this happen with the girl? Let me guess. You did a show at Narbar

Speaker 34 and the thick Latina comes up to you because clearly she will fuck anything.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 103 No,

Speaker 115 I'd seen her around a few times, and then one of my off days I had cocaine and I asked her if she wanted some.

Speaker 52 Only if you kick yourself in the head.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 133 Was it a thick Latina?

Speaker 115 No.

Speaker 160 Oh, it was a white girl.

Speaker 58 Black.

Speaker 87 Whoa, I would not have expected that big stew.

Speaker 83 You look like a racist.

Speaker 117 No, no, quite the opposite.

Speaker 77 Quite the opposite.

Speaker 59 Is that your

Speaker 59 style?

Speaker 61 That's your flavor?

Speaker 93 I do like black.

Speaker 148 What do you love about black?

Speaker 61 What do you prefer?

Speaker 64 Why do you prefer black women over whites?

Speaker 59 Take us through it. Take us through the process.

Speaker 115 It tastes like honey.

Speaker 97 Ooh, damn. All right.
Look at that.

Speaker 87 We'll be right back, Black.

Speaker 55 Ian Edwards, what do you think about this analysis that black women taste like honey?

Speaker 118 It's not the worst thing that's been said about black women.

Speaker 141 But the fact that it's coming from a guy named Big Stoop.

Speaker 141 So you like black women? I do.

Speaker 140 Is it because you're like a redhead and you feel like you've been rejected by your own kind?

Speaker 115 No, no, I mean

Speaker 115 redheads like me too.

Speaker 114 Redheads like you too? Yeah.

Speaker 62 How often do you even see a redhead?

Speaker 97 I don't know.

Speaker 115 Every once a week?

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 53 Amazing.

Speaker 140 I didn't know they'd be out here like that.

Speaker 93 So just like, for example, this black woman that you met, how did that happen?

Speaker 121 You offered her cocaine, and then what happens?

Speaker 115 And then we went upstairs to my apartment.

Speaker 34 You went upstairs. So, she was just downstairs outside of your apartment building.

Speaker 62 Well, yeah, it's 6th Street.

Speaker 38 Oh, you live on 6th Street?

Speaker 115 The apartment is on 6th Street, across the street.

Speaker 118 Was it one of the homeless women?

Speaker 17 No.

Speaker 77 So, you take her up to your place.

Speaker 65 Let's reenact it.

Speaker 68 Adam Ray is now a black woman.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Big stew.

Speaker 11 It's the right lighting here Kino

Speaker 166 I Didn't know big stew is gonna

Speaker 166 I Didn't know big stew is gonna have such a big room

Speaker 163 She acknowledges the unframed poster on the wall

Speaker 52 Oh shit, Jurassic Pop Not

Speaker 52 I thought they were meant for them, motherfuckers.

Speaker 52 You got some cocaine big stew?

Speaker 126 I do, yeah.

Speaker 52 I know you do. That's all.
I saw you hiding that shit in your shoe at Naba.

Speaker 117 I got you.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 125 Well, bust it out, play. Let's do it.

Speaker 148 Let me do what, bump up your titty.

Speaker 125 Ooh.

Speaker 87 Say what?

Speaker 73 Bump off your titty.

Speaker 87 Bump up my titty. Yeah.

Speaker 52 Oh, and let me take my Eddie Bauer jacket off.

Speaker 53 All right.

Speaker 147 Which titty you want to do?

Speaker 52 I had a surgery so the left one's small and then the right one.

Speaker 53 Which one are you pointing at, Stu?

Speaker 87 Be definitive, motherfucker.

Speaker 108 This side.

Speaker 124 Huh?

Speaker 167 This is the one on this side.

Speaker 117 As your roommate, I'm leaving.

Speaker 110 That's fine.

Speaker 52 That's fine. We a motherfucker staring at my titties.

Speaker 52 All right, big Stu.

Speaker 42 Go ahead and do that bump, baby.

Speaker 3 No, you can stay right there.

Speaker 98 All right, fuck it, fuck it.

Speaker 109 Oh, shit.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 73 Oh, shit.

Speaker 14 I think he gave the nipple a little kiss there.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 52 There was no need for you to gnaw on my actual titty.

Speaker 52 But now that we're here,

Speaker 52 you want to turn those those lights down, big Stu? Maybe show me something bigger than just your name?

Speaker 113 Yeah, sure. Yeah, I got you.

Speaker 168 Why are you so intimidated?

Speaker 51 You got cocaine.

Speaker 125 Oh, shit, I thought you left.

Speaker 17 Nah.

Speaker 126 Decided to stick around.

Speaker 52 While you're here, you might go over and make me a sandwich. I saw some bread and meat on the

Speaker 132 next to the kitchen.

Speaker 97 All right, I got you.

Speaker 20 Thanks, baby.

Speaker 38 Big Stew, what do you say after you finish with a black woman?

Speaker 140 Why are you still here?

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 30 Unbelievable.

Speaker 31 Man, that post-nut clarity kicks in hard for Big Stew.

Speaker 86 And did she spend the night or did you get her a car?

Speaker 115 I passed out drunk and when she woke up she was gone.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 123 Amazing. You nailed it, Big Stew.
Good job.

Speaker 169 You check your house to make sure everything was there still?

Speaker 118 Does he look like he got something to steal?

Speaker 167 There's nothing worth stealing.

Speaker 57 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 52 All I walked out with was a gangboy and some Warthers originals.

Speaker 31 D-Madness is going to find that woman right now.

Speaker 170 Man, if this guy could get pussy, then I could definitely fuck this bitch, too.

Speaker 91 All right.

Speaker 70 Big stew.

Speaker 38 All right, here's a medium-sized joke book.

Speaker 15 Good job.

Speaker 93 There you go.

Speaker 21 Hi there. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN.
Going online without ExpressVPN is like leaving your laptop unattended at the coffee shop while you run to the bathroom.

Speaker 21 Most of the time, you're probably fine, but what if one day you come out of the bathroom and your laptop is gone?

Speaker 21 Every time you connect to an unencrypted network in cafes, hotels, airports, etc., your online data is not secure. Any hacker on the same network can gain access to and steal your personal data.

Speaker 21 It doesn't take much technical knowledge to hack someone. A smart 12-year-old could do it.

Speaker 21 Express VPN stops hackers from stealing your data by creating a secure encrypted tunnel between your device and the internet.

Speaker 155 Red Bang. Tony, I love ExpressVPN.
I use it when we travel. I can rest easy knowing that my data is secure.
Plans just start at $3.49 a month.

Speaker 155 Just fire up the app, click one button, and you're protected. It works on phones, laptops, tablets, and more.
So you can stay secure on the go.

Speaker 21 Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com slash Keltony. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash keltony to find out how you can get up to four extra months

Speaker 21 expressvpn.com slash killtony yeehoo this podcast is sponsored by tocovas anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots that's why you need to find your perfect pair with tokovas tocovas crafts quality western boots for everyone from generational ranchers to lifelong cowboys to first-time boot buyers not to mention their boots are handcrafted with over 200 meticulous steps or broken in comfort right out of the box.

Speaker 21 I know I feel more confident when I'm wearing my Tacovas.

Speaker 155 Tony, I love my Tacovas. I wear them all the time.
I strut around the city. They're seriously the most comfortable boots on the market.

Speaker 21 Wow, totally believable. Bring it home this holiday season with a gift from the West.

Speaker 21 At Tacovas, you'll find comfort and joy in their exact size from cowhide to goat to exotic leathers like ostrich and... Kai man.

Speaker 21 Whether it's their first pair or their 50th pair, Tacovas has already put plenty of stars under the tree.

Speaker 21 And beyond boots, Tocovas also offers a wide selection of men's and women's apparel bags and fine leather goods like belts, wallets, and more.

Speaker 21 Right now, get 10% off at tokovas.com slash killtony when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S.com slash Kill Tony.
Tacovas.com slash Kill Tony. See you site for details.

Speaker 21 Tocovas, point your toes west.

Speaker 11 We have a friend here, ladies and gentlemen, who's going to do a minute.

Speaker 138 A good friend of the show from the comedy store, one of our old pals just swinging into town.

Speaker 69 So we're giving him a minute and we love him.

Speaker 38 It's a good friend of ours for many years, friend of

Speaker 58 everyone and a cool comedian.

Speaker 38 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Taylor Boss, everybody.

Speaker 102 I used to be addicted to drugs, but then I got off of them because I found a woman.

Speaker 140 And I could tell she really wasn't a heroin kind of gal.

Speaker 51 She was classy.

Speaker 140 Growing up though, my parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction just by how I used to eat my fruit by the foot.

Speaker 81 Because my brother, you would eat his like a real nerd.

Speaker 139 It would take it forever.

Speaker 102 Just little piece by little piece.

Speaker 140 What a fucking nerd.

Speaker 81 And there's how I would eat my fruit by the foot.

Speaker 140 Now let me know if you would eat it the same way, okay? What I would do, I would open up the package, just take the whole thing out immediately.

Speaker 102 Anybody else take the whole thing out and immediately?

Speaker 81 That roll it up up into a little ball.

Speaker 104 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Roll it up to a little ball.

Speaker 140 Parents probably should have known I was going to have an issue with addiction because of my fruit by the foot. I would take the whole thing out.

Speaker 81 I'd roll it up into a little ball.

Speaker 81 I'd put it on a spoon and melt it down.

Speaker 140 Then I would inject it in my last remaining good vein.

Speaker 140 I was 10. Anyone else?

Speaker 62 Thank you.

Speaker 73 Taylor, boss.

Speaker 144 Hell yeah.

Speaker 39 Melting down your fruit roll up.

Speaker 19 Welcome, Taylor.

Speaker 64 How's life going?

Speaker 53 Great, Tony.

Speaker 140 Thank you very much.

Speaker 102 I've been out here for about almost a week.

Speaker 140 I've been having fun.

Speaker 96 Tell us about it.

Speaker 150 What can someone expect their first week?

Speaker 80 A lot of walking, a lot of eating.

Speaker 140 I ate too much.

Speaker 140 I almost terry black to my pants.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 84 A lot of eating.

Speaker 88 Yes. Yes.

Speaker 42 We do that around here, right, Red Band?

Speaker 84 Duh.

Speaker 55 Red Band's recovering from a torn belly button.

Speaker 105 It fucking hurts.

Speaker 57 It doesn't really hurt.

Speaker 42 Yeah, I really did pull it.

Speaker 169 And we were just talking about pulling shit because we're getting old.

Speaker 58 Like, I really did pull.

Speaker 169 Taylor, it's good to see you doing comedy. I mean, like,

Speaker 169 before, when we used to know Taylor in L.A.,

Speaker 102 you weren't really doing comedy much.

Speaker 81 Not at the time, no.

Speaker 140 I mean, I've been doing it for a while.

Speaker 102 I've been doing it for like 17 years.

Speaker 140 But in the middle, I took like five years off to do hard drugs and paint pictures.

Speaker 41 Yes, he is one of the great painters.

Speaker 46 You can recognize his art all over the world.

Speaker 58 Shout Shout out to Chris Rogers.

Speaker 75 Rogan's studio, and you've seen it in the

Speaker 65 background of Rogan's studio and other places.

Speaker 51 What else is going on, Taylor?

Speaker 65 Tell us something crazy about your life that we don't know about you.

Speaker 140 About 13 years ago, I got admitted to the mental hospital against my will.

Speaker 61 Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 42 Why?

Speaker 140 I was using my room as my studio, and I was accidentally huffing paint 24 hours a day. And I was having grandiose thoughts.

Speaker 140 I was telling people that I'm God.

Speaker 140 And in fact, Tony, I'm not God.

Speaker 15 Oh, I know because I am God.

Speaker 52 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 55 I've been huffing Sharpies for 12 and a half.

Speaker 150 Anyway, what was the mental hospital like, Taylor?

Speaker 140 It was a little bit weird. They like put you in with the craziest person just to kind of like scare you a little bit, you know, see how bad you want it.

Speaker 140 Then, after I started scaring the shit out of that guy,

Speaker 140 they put me into, actually the first activity was Pictionary.

Speaker 140 And I don't know if anybody here has ever played mental hospital Pictionary before.

Speaker 140 Not a lot of participation. It was just me and this guy, Peter.
I just met him. Don't get me wrong, I mean, what I didn't know about Peter is he's been in the mental hospital for a year and a half.

Speaker 140 And he's memorized all the Pictionary cards.

Speaker 140 So we put on a show nobody in that room will ever forget.

Speaker 140 It's crazy. Then they had us do karaoke and then I tried to escape.
I only made it to the parking lot.

Speaker 140 Then they put me back in a room and this time my room did not have any windows in it.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 140 Yeah, but I was in there for about a month.

Speaker 31 Yeah, did they give you medication?

Speaker 81 They did.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 107 Terrible. How did that make you feel? Terrible.

Speaker 140 Yeah, I got off of it when I got out. kept a journal so I didn't kill myself.

Speaker 61 There you go. Yeah.

Speaker 80 Look at that. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 132 Somebody clapping for not killing myself.

Speaker 104 We're journaling.

Speaker 81 Thanks, man.

Speaker 42 Adam Ray.

Speaker 52 Taylor's hilarious.

Speaker 52 Known you for a while. He's opened for me a few times recently and crushed it.

Speaker 52 Once in Hermosa Beach, once in San Diego, ripped it.

Speaker 52 What's really cool is, and I guess this goes for most of the people you see that come through shows like this or anywhere, is just how much he's been grinding.

Speaker 52 And it's always cool to be in a position to throw some bones to somebody and he crushed it both times. It was awesome.
So, yeah, hilarious. And

Speaker 52 you were hilarious just now. So,

Speaker 52 you're getting more comfy in your own skin, which is really cool to see. Yeah.

Speaker 102 And I'd just like to second that.

Speaker 141 This motherfucker's funny as shit.

Speaker 141 When I used to see him not doing comedy, I'd be like, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 118 Get back on stage.

Speaker 107 And I also own some of his art.

Speaker 102 He does. He owns a couple pieces of my art.

Speaker 141 And I was a little disappointed that he didn't die, so the value of it would go up.

Speaker 42 Yeah, the value skyrockets when they die.

Speaker 157 But I like him alive.

Speaker 80 I'll take the loss on the art.

Speaker 133 Tell people so that they can find your work.

Speaker 19 Where can they find your art?

Speaker 140 Just on Instagram, Taylor Boss1S.

Speaker 53 B-O-S. Correct.

Speaker 88 That is right. Taylor, you had a great set.

Speaker 19 Several times.

Speaker 67 Taylor Boss, ladies and gentlemen. Love you, buddy.

Speaker 13 Here's a fruit by the foot. We have an actual fruit by the foot somehow.

Speaker 11 I was just handed this. You got it.

Speaker 10 Go melt it down.

Speaker 30 Eat it out of a spoon.

Speaker 14 There goes Taylor Boss.

Speaker 92 Check out his art.

Speaker 15 He is unbelievable.

Speaker 31 All right, back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 163 This looks like a fun new name.

Speaker 43 Make some noise for Mohammed Yuall.

Speaker 57 Mohammed Yuall is next on Kill Tony.

Speaker 153 Lord and Savior,

Speaker 153 Joe Rogan,

Speaker 153 you got in trouble for saying

Speaker 36 I don't have a problem with people

Speaker 153 who can afford to go to space.

Speaker 81 I don't have a problem with them saying

Speaker 153 if you can exit the earth's atmosphere

Speaker 81 you can say

Speaker 153 if you can exit the troposphere stratosphere mesosphere thermosphere

Speaker 171 exosphere ionosphere

Speaker 140 you can say nigger

Speaker 153 You're in a nigger sphere. Nobody cares.

Speaker 153 I've been kissing sleeping homeless people on the forehead.

Speaker 29 It's my way of giving back.

Speaker 153 Guys, next time,

Speaker 108 next time you see a sleeping person.

Speaker 50 Can I go ahead? I want to know how this sounds.

Speaker 153 Next time you see a sleeping homeless person, tuck them in.

Speaker 67 Mohammed, you all making his kill Tony debut.

Speaker 121 I mean, wow.

Speaker 123 I got to tell you, we are going to be bleeping those

Speaker 31 N-words. YouTube has a rule.

Speaker 15 We figured out all the modern rules, even though they're always changing with YouTube.

Speaker 77 We had the actual executives here a few weeks ago, and we asked them every question possible.

Speaker 15 There's a limit to how many times even a black person can say the N-word.

Speaker 95 And I asked, what if they're really black?

Speaker 157 Like, what if they're like darker than pure black?

Speaker 11 Can they say the N-word? And they said, no, you have to bleep.

Speaker 86 And somehow, and I know because you are that guy,

Speaker 87 that we are going to have to bleep four times.

Speaker 31 So if you guys are wondering what he was saying during those bleeps, it was the N-word.

Speaker 86 And it has proven Ian Edwards, who looks like milk chocolate compared to him.

Speaker 9 This is like watching.

Speaker 72 50 shades of black over here.

Speaker 136 Oh, this is the first time I've ever been light-skinned in my life.

Speaker 142 And I appreciate it.

Speaker 153 He's white to me.

Speaker 98 Oh, I know, I know.

Speaker 39 It is incredible.

Speaker 76 Even D-Madness is like, hey, that's what I see.

Speaker 72 You're the only guy D-Madness has ever seen before.

Speaker 119 Oh, my God.

Speaker 48 Oh my god.

Speaker 98 Oh my god.

Speaker 84 What the fuck?

Speaker 48 That's my kind of motherfucker.

Speaker 87 I had to come back out so that I can see that shit.

Speaker 163 Mohammed, tell us what life is like being quite that shade.

Speaker 86 I mean, when you see a police officer, do you just lay on the ground and fucking automatically?

Speaker 133 Like, what's the situation here exactly?

Speaker 153 Call me the outline of a chalk black dude.

Speaker 153 That's incredibly racist.

Speaker 99 No.

Speaker 153 I don't know, bro.

Speaker 122 Okay.

Speaker 46 Welcome.

Speaker 150 How long have you been doing Stand-Up, Mohammed?

Speaker 153 Ten years.

Speaker 46 Ten years. Where at?

Speaker 153 Iowa and Austin.

Speaker 84 Iowa. Wow.

Speaker 46 You must have really stood out in Iowa.

Speaker 5 Holy shit.

Speaker 59 Is that where you were born and raised?

Speaker 153 I was born in

Speaker 153 when Sudan was whole Sudan, so Khartoum Sudan. Now it's south and north.

Speaker 107 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 165 How old were you when you moved to America?

Speaker 153 10, 10 years old.

Speaker 58 Okay, 10 years old. All right, 10, 10.

Speaker 134 Perfect.

Speaker 42 And what was it like acclimating in Iowa?

Speaker 75 That was the first place you moved to?

Speaker 153 I didn't come out. I moved here in December 2004,

Speaker 153 and I didn't come out for a month because it was snowing in Iowa.

Speaker 51 Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Speaker 153 Terrified of the snow.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Well, like I'm, yep.

Speaker 58 Ian.

Speaker 118 He's coming from war-torn Sedan.

Speaker 118 I was like fuck the snow

Speaker 152 I can't imagine the contrast when you walked out in the snow for the first time

Speaker 99 I can't even imagine

Speaker 138 so Muhammad what do you do for work

Speaker 172 I work at target You work at Target?

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 18 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 123 What do you do at Target exactly?

Speaker 153 I You know those sampling cards? Yeah. Yeah, I do samples at Target.

Speaker 79 Holy shit.

Speaker 79 How?

Speaker 46 Yeah, that looks like Adam Ray's wheels are turning here.

Speaker 95 Oh yeah.

Speaker 16 Big sample guy. You are?

Speaker 52 What are you pushing on the people?

Speaker 153 It could be

Speaker 153 anything that you can buy at Target, basically.

Speaker 52 Right.

Speaker 52 What's kind of like the hot item that really people go bananas for?

Speaker 15 Why do you have to say bananas?

Speaker 30 Why'd you say that? Yeah, why did it?

Speaker 70 That's racist.

Speaker 98 Yay.

Speaker 52 Adam over here.

Speaker 111 Hey, what are people going ape shit about nowadays?

Speaker 52 I knew I should have done a character.

Speaker 52 I can't trust myself.

Speaker 72 Listen.

Speaker 52 No, you know what I meant. Bonkers.
Crazy. Where do they go? What do they?

Speaker 83 What do they fucking...

Speaker 52 What do you bring out? And people, you know. What was the food that

Speaker 153 last week I had fucking peppermint chocolate? Yeah.

Speaker 97 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 95 What's your love life like, Muhammad?

Speaker 153 It's terrible.

Speaker 150 Tell us about that.

Speaker 143 That doesn't seem to make any sense.

Speaker 65 You're a handsome guy.

Speaker 153 Well, I moved out here to do comedy and I had a girlfriend in Iowa

Speaker 102 and then

Speaker 114 that was over with.

Speaker 75 You miss her?

Speaker 153 Yeah, I do. You do.

Speaker 88 I do miss her.

Speaker 150 And how long have you been in Austin?

Speaker 153 Two years.

Speaker 55 Two years.

Speaker 61 Have you talked to her at all?

Speaker 58 No, no.

Speaker 58 No.

Speaker 75 Was she sad when you left?

Speaker 153 Yeah, I was supposed to get married.

Speaker 80 She was... Yeah.

Speaker 75 Really?

Speaker 63 Tell us about that.

Speaker 75 Like, you proposed?

Speaker 153 I didn't propose, but

Speaker 3 I was...

Speaker 76 Was it arranged?

Speaker 103 No.

Speaker 106 Well.

Speaker 153 My mom does. She has a my mom has a couple girls arranged for me, but no, the girl, the girl that I liked, she did stand up.

Speaker 77 She did stand up yeah does she still do it I don't know wow you really just don't even

Speaker 102 right

Speaker 15 is she Sudanese

Speaker 153 you'd be shocked about the dancer we shock you

Speaker 174 Asian girl she's a white woman

Speaker 78 wow

Speaker 51 over under

Speaker 68 over under 170 pounds

Speaker 19 Under under 170 pounds under 170 pounds now I'm actually shocked

Speaker 133 That's amazing.

Speaker 152 And have you been with anyone in Austin?

Speaker 20 No, no, no. I haven't.

Speaker 153 I have an S C D.

Speaker 51 Oh, what is it?

Speaker 153 Genital wards.

Speaker 42 Wow.

Speaker 128 Amazing.

Speaker 44 Tell us about that.

Speaker 96 Do you remember when you got that?

Speaker 153 I caught it in Cairo, Egypt in a balcony.

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 52 Let's cut to a clip.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 52 I don't have it. So

Speaker 63 where in Cairo did you find a balcony to hook up with a woman that had genitals?

Speaker 153 I was 10 years old. She was 16.

Speaker 121 Wait, you were 10?

Speaker 131 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Oh my god.

Speaker 75 How did you know what you were doing at 10 years old?

Speaker 174 I don't know.

Speaker 93 It just felt right?

Speaker 85 Yeah, it felt right.

Speaker 60 You're like, I'm going to put this there.

Speaker 80 Yeah.

Speaker 79 Holy shit, man.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 51 That's crazy.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 77 So do you just have those all the time?

Speaker 61 Is that a thing that just stays?

Speaker 140 You have it your whole life.

Speaker 139 You can't get rid of it.

Speaker 173 But you can get rid of the

Speaker 153 symptoms, but it always stays with you. Am I just an SCD class?

Speaker 70 No, this is great.

Speaker 10 We find out what's different about everybody here.

Speaker 31 This is amazing.

Speaker 52 Did you bring this up during the Target interview?

Speaker 52 This feels like a pretty personal.

Speaker 57 No, no. No, yeah.

Speaker 113 Wow.

Speaker 129 So basically, I mean, what does that mean?

Speaker 34 You just have to use a condom all the time.

Speaker 153 Yeah, basically.

Speaker 153 Yeah.

Speaker 97 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 58 Is it a couple or is there just like one big gross one?

Speaker 34 That's a good question.

Speaker 38 Red Band wants an actual description.

Speaker 34 There's three.

Speaker 58 The big three.

Speaker 42 Like wart remover on it?

Speaker 169 Have you tried any like home TikTok remedies for it?

Speaker 50 Red Band, that's enough. Put down the microphone.

Speaker 163 Again, what were you doing in Cairo exactly?

Speaker 65 I'm kind of confused here.

Speaker 153 So in 2004, the Sudanese government was, they were killing a lot of people.

Speaker 152 Just randomly, or was there a specific reason or type of people?

Speaker 153 It was in South Sudan where they had resources

Speaker 80 where

Speaker 153 the government would hire

Speaker 153 rebels to go to

Speaker 148 remote villages and kill the population and get the resources.

Speaker 153 And my mom wanted to get the fuck out of there.

Speaker 51 What were the resources? Like blood diamonds or something?

Speaker 58 Is that right?

Speaker 153 It's very funny, guys.

Speaker 20 no i'm genuinely curious it's very funny no it's just oil oh okay yeah all right

Speaker 100 um

Speaker 153 so uh my mom decided you know get the out of there and we uh seek refuge through uh the united nations that a refugee program where uh if you're in a war-torn area uh they'll rescue you and uh take you to uh better places so she applied and then we moved to cairo egypt i lived there for four years, then I came here.

Speaker 153 Right.

Speaker 56 Amazing.

Speaker 35 And they shipped you to one of the safest places in the world, Iowa.

Speaker 93 That had to be a culture shock for you at 10, right?

Speaker 77 Yes, yes. Whole different situation.

Speaker 96 All white people around you, basically.

Speaker 174 I mean, I lived around white people my whole life.

Speaker 173 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Egypt. Oh, they have a lot of Chinese people in Egypt.

Speaker 153 It's a fun fact.

Speaker 97 Oh, okay.

Speaker 97 All right.

Speaker 77 General Sows meet General Wart.

Speaker 63 That's how that goes. You see, that's a Chinese General Wart show.

Speaker 149 Figure that one out.

Speaker 99 General Seya.

Speaker 84 I love it.

Speaker 42 Muhammad, you have any special skills or talents other than comedy?

Speaker 132 I'm double-jointed.

Speaker 133 Ooh. Can you show us a trick?

Speaker 105 Wow.

Speaker 11 Oh my God.

Speaker 154 The Exorcista.

Speaker 155 Anyone could do that.

Speaker 12 Yeah,

Speaker 30 do not.

Speaker 87 Oh, man.

Speaker 3 I pulled my shoulder blades.

Speaker 10 Muhammad, I like your style.

Speaker 50 Congratulations.

Speaker 133 Thank you for signing up.

Speaker 10 Come back again.

Speaker 13 Let's do it again.

Speaker 175 There he is, Muhammad.

Speaker 14 You all, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 21 This podcast is brought to you by 420.com.

Speaker 23 People ask me all the time, do you miss California?

Speaker 83 The truth is, I miss the weed.

Speaker 24 California has the best weed in the world, the best cannabis in the world, the growers, the generational cultivators who have been perfecting this plant for decades.

Speaker 24 This is real quality and real experience.

Speaker 23 Now you can get that same California cannabis delivered right to your door.

Speaker 22 Make no mistake, this is cannabis.

Speaker 25 It uses the right cannabinoids so it can ship legally.

Speaker 24 But the quality and the feeling are exactly what you would expect from California. And these are the real brands.

Speaker 24 Cookies, Sluggers, Death Row Records, Cannabis, Wild Gummies, Cotton Haw Gummies, Papa, and Barkley, just to name a few.

Speaker 137 Red Band.

Speaker 155 Tony, I love 420.com. It's such an easy service to use.
They have edibles, gummies, drinks, vapes, top shelf flour joints, multi-packs, infused joints, blunts, and topicals. It's amazing.

Speaker 137 Yeah, it really is.

Speaker 23 They have all the strains people know and trust.

Speaker 21 Every product is third-party tested with full certificates and analysis.

Speaker 23 And for listeners, 420.com is offering something special. Use the code name Tony to get 25% off.
And And this episode is brought to you by 420.com, California, delivered.

Speaker 168 Gana por la mañana con el extra value meal, sausage, mcmuffin with egg, hash browns, yun cafe alliente pequeño por solo se dolaris. Ba-a-ba-ba-ba.

Speaker 39 I think he is

Speaker 104 the future and the present.

Speaker 39 This is a brand new minute from the great Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 106 God, I love this shit.

Speaker 156 Honestly, Austin, Texas, I owe y'all an apology.

Speaker 156 I was shitting on y'all wicked online for a long time and in public.

Speaker 132 It wasn't my fault.

Speaker 156 This is the first major city I moved to where I had to count black people.

Speaker 156 Because I'm from Atlanta. I don't have the time.
You know what I'm saying? To count all the black people. And then

Speaker 156 I was on the, then as soon as I got killed, Tony, I was like, oh, shit, nigga, y'all got great sunsets.

Speaker 124 Ah, y'all.

Speaker 156 This is the most booming city in the world, right?

Speaker 156 Ask me my favorite comedian.

Speaker 72 Who's your favorite? Tony Hinchcliffe.

Speaker 177 Tony Hinchcliffe, my motherfucking favorite comedian.

Speaker 156 I love being out here now.

Speaker 132 I just needed to, because the problem was, I was on the bus most of the time, so I never got to see the beauty.

Speaker 156 Because y'all put the homeless on the bus, and I know where they stop at and it's near where I live and

Speaker 156 but the beautiful because what this what happened one day I was walking up here the first time I wanted to sign up uh me and my friends was walking and he asked all of my friends for money and then when he got to me he was like keep your head up

Speaker 156 But now that I got killed, Tony, regular, when I ride in my girlfriend car, because I got that much money yet,

Speaker 87 we was stopped over here, and the dude went to go clean the window.

Speaker 132 And then when she tried to give him money, He said no you got something good on your hands All right, he gonna be somebody.

Speaker 177 Thank y'all so much I'm Deadrick Flynn Fuck yeah Deadrick Flynn

Speaker 98 I Love it

Speaker 59 Is that true that you rode the bus in Austin?

Speaker 79 Yeah, all the time.

Speaker 53 I didn't even know that was a thing

Speaker 156 I guess I kind of like buses, but you gotta walk like where I gotta walk is like a two-mile walk around the interstate and then you get on the bus.

Speaker 156 Like there's no like real bus lines like going anywhere.

Speaker 102 They don't really go through downtown.

Speaker 63 I don't really ever see them.

Speaker 140 Well, that's because you got money, Tony.

Speaker 156 I see them all the time. I'm like, oh, that's an 801.

Speaker 124 I was on there.

Speaker 144 Even when I'm driving around in my luxury automobile, I don't see buses very.

Speaker 140 That shit don't come up on your camera.

Speaker 15 I love it.

Speaker 31 Dead drink, how's life going?

Speaker 68 Your episode came out.

Speaker 34 You're officially Kill Tony famous.

Speaker 13 Tell us how your life has changed.

Speaker 119 Dude,

Speaker 108 everything's changed.

Speaker 156 You know, how, like, when you get a new haircut and you got errands, you know what I'm saying? Like, niggas got to see I'm cute. Like, that's how I feel right now.
I got new shoes and shit.

Speaker 156 My shit popping.

Speaker 156 I've been taking longer shits in public because niggas got to see these shit. Sometimes I don't even take a shit.
I just put the lid down and then I scream.

Speaker 156 So that way, when he come outside, he's like, hey, yo, some nigga with heat on his shoes is dropping logs right now.

Speaker 156 that's amazing that's an amazing way to show off nice new shoes sometimes i just slide my foot in they stall you know

Speaker 110 that was you yeah

Speaker 109 them shits was hard

Speaker 136 i knew i recognized them i was gonna ask you where you got them from

Speaker 35 that is awesome Other than new shoes, what else?

Speaker 75 You're financially secure now for the first time in a long time.

Speaker 132 yeah man this shit is crazy my phone on

Speaker 156 i don't know i don't i don't need the wi-fi no more

Speaker 110 uh

Speaker 156 i've got actually i get to go home this week to do killers who killed tony at the fox here in atlanta which is one of my dream venues right

Speaker 156 dad's gonna be actually i just get to go home i don't even know how i feel all the way yet because i haven't been home i haven't seen my mom i haven't seen my brothers i haven't seen my sister i haven't seen like all of my friends that have been there since day one like i all i know is like the phone calls but like i haven't got like the hugs from it so it's it's

Speaker 156 i'm probably gonna come back a monster and crying all the time i can't wait to cry for two weeks straight i love it i love it ian edwards this is this is beautiful man how does it feel to be robbable

Speaker 156 even fiona chiming in on that we got a different frame you bald and like

Speaker 156 You look like five cigarettes put together or black and miles.

Speaker 42 I'm not very robbable.

Speaker 156 The homies don't even look me in the eyes. Like I told you, they give me respect off rip.
They know I got a gun.

Speaker 156 Tony know I got a gun. He said I can bring it in now.
I'm a regular.

Speaker 70 It's true.

Speaker 36 All regulars are allowed to have guns.

Speaker 68 That's why William has four attached to them.

Speaker 42 I love it.

Speaker 123 Dedrick, Dedrick, Dedrick.

Speaker 52 Adam Rang. Yeah,

Speaker 52 it was really moving the moment when you got the regular spot. I told you that before I saw you, but what did you do after that, I guess? Like, it was, how do you ride that high?

Speaker 41 Man, I had

Speaker 156 so many people.

Speaker 156 Like, it's just, because the people that were waiting at Shakespeare's, they all heard my name call. So my phone was like blowing up.

Speaker 156 And then after I got the regular, I ran out of here with a Jay Legend, bags and boxes. Jay Legend was singing because he was going crazy when I got called.

Speaker 156 So we're crying, walking back to the Shakespeare's. And all I did was scream at the top of my lungs, I got motherfucking regular bitch.

Speaker 156 And then the whole crowd went crazy, and it was fucking sick as fuck. And then I've just been, I don't know, like in a, I'm not even in the driver's seat right now.

Speaker 156 Everything's happening that I want it to happen. All I'm saying is follow your fucking dreams.

Speaker 157 All right.

Speaker 159 Follow your fucking dreams.

Speaker 111 No doubt about it. He's huge.

Speaker 52 No, you're right. Because not even, it must have been four years ago, I saw you on the street and I kissed you on the forehead and tucked you into your standing bag.
I'm like,

Speaker 52 so now to be here, no, it's a callback, but no,

Speaker 52 I don't want to take away from your standing bag, but you're exactly right, dude. You said 39 times until you got called up, right?

Speaker 48 Yeah, 39 times That's wild, dude.

Speaker 19 It is what's possible.

Speaker 75 He went from 39 times signing up to not to with nothing to getting on to opening for Joe Rogan two days later to doing the Fox theater three weeks later.

Speaker 121 And he's going to be in the arena.

Speaker 18 Yes, open for Ron White.

Speaker 94 Gonna be at the arena here on New Year's Eve.

Speaker 2 Come on!

Speaker 52 You got to get ready to be ready, right? Huh? So you got to get ready to be ready.

Speaker 70 Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 72 And he's been ready.

Speaker 31 He is hilarious.

Speaker 15 We've seen his longer sets.

Speaker 88 They are incredible.

Speaker 55 Find him, follow him.

Speaker 15 Ladies and gentlemen, Dedric Flynn.

Speaker 12 The dark storm of Atlanta has arrived.

Speaker 13 And on to the next one we go.

Speaker 15 I got to tell you, this name looks amazing, and I hope it is

Speaker 15 anything like what it seems to be.

Speaker 36 No doubt, the first time for this bucket pull.

Speaker 90 Let's see if

Speaker 31 the carpets match the drapes with this one.

Speaker 164 Make Make some noise for Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Speaker 131 Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Speaker 42 Okay, indeed.

Speaker 5 It is Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Speaker 149 Hey, Austin.

Speaker 149 Did a 23andMe the other day and found out I'm Chinese. Yeah, I'm from Vechina.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Oh.

Speaker 132 Hold it up to your mouth.

Speaker 149 My bad.

Speaker 100 I didn't realize.

Speaker 81 I just lost my train of thought.

Speaker 149 I was outside last Monday. I signed up and I was looking at the homeless, the homeless guy in the street.
He had a vacuum cleaner and he was running it back and forth on the line.

Speaker 61 I was just like, wow,

Speaker 149 Austin started with their homeless population to clean up these streets. It's super awesome.

Speaker 149 What do you guys call a black guy that flies a plane?

Speaker 149 Call him a pilot, you fucking racist.

Speaker 149 That's all I was prepared for.

Speaker 13 There you go. Stevie One Leg Wonder.

Speaker 133 Welcome to the show, Stevie.

Speaker 15 How are you?

Speaker 107 Nervous?

Speaker 69 You're good.

Speaker 96 You're doing just fine, Stevie.

Speaker 150 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 149 This is my first time.

Speaker 102 I just moved to Austin two weeks ago.

Speaker 13 Your first time ever doing stand-up?

Speaker 124 First time.

Speaker 42 Wow. How old are you?

Speaker 37 40 years old.

Speaker 75 40. And what made you want to start now?

Speaker 149 I wanted to start since I was 13.

Speaker 149 And I went and fucked around at 16 and had kids and more kids until I was 21.

Speaker 149 Got a divorce and ended up raising three kids by myself.

Speaker 76 How old are the kids?

Speaker 149 18, 20, and 22.

Speaker 51 Wow, you did it.

Speaker 55 You raised three grown kids.

Speaker 65 That's amazing.

Speaker 149 No felonies all driver's licenses no felonies all driver's licenses amazing clean records amazing so uh

Speaker 61 okay let's jump right into it shall we or not jump if you're you uh how did you lose the leg stevie uh which story do you want to hear

Speaker 149 Because I tell like 150 different stories.

Speaker 77 Can you tell the truth?

Speaker 149 For you, Tony, I will tell the truth because it's an honor to be here.

Speaker 76 Perfect. Let's see.

Speaker 149 Okay, so I was working up in denver uh we were loading a pipe for a sign that was going up on i-70

Speaker 89 and

Speaker 149 it just went wrong and i was on the bad end of it got crushed by it taken to the hospital two weeks later they decided to cut my leg off damn

Speaker 72 Thanks, Redband.

Speaker 45 How old were you when that happened?

Speaker 149 That was almost four years ago.

Speaker 84 Oh, okay.

Speaker 18 So that was recent.

Speaker 59 Yes. So take us through it.

Speaker 75 What are some things we'd be surprised by?

Speaker 19 Fun facts about having one leg?

Speaker 149 You get to tell a lot of one leg jokes.

Speaker 149 You get a leg up on the competition.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 167 You put your best foot forward.

Speaker 42 Yeah. You know, all that.

Speaker 149 Yeah. So, I mean, it's good to have one leg.

Speaker 15 Yeah, Ian Edwards.

Speaker 140 I mean, this is bad, but can you kick yourself in the head?

Speaker 13 You don't even know.

Speaker 149 You don't even know.

Speaker 13 He could beat himself in the head with that fucking thing.

Speaker 10 Oh my God.

Speaker 10 Wow.

Speaker 73 What are the fucking odds?

Speaker 30 What are the odds?

Speaker 142 And he didn't tear his belly button.

Speaker 119 Cheater.

Speaker 124 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 52 Wow. I don't know what it says about me, but I was genuinely like very excited when he did that.
Yeah. Like, I don't think I've ever seen it.
Did you unscrew part of it to better?

Speaker 149 No, I just got to tickle my knee and then it then it works.

Speaker 53 Amazing.

Speaker 149 Just tickle it with this button right here.

Speaker 97 Wow, whoa.

Speaker 149 I just got this. This is a new leg.
It was,

Speaker 149 I think it's about four or five weeks old.

Speaker 58 Wow, little baby leg.

Speaker 35 Sure.

Speaker 149 And virgin.

Speaker 52 Where'd it come from?

Speaker 149 The store.

Speaker 31 Is there a leg store?

Speaker 75 Where do you get a new leg from?

Speaker 149 Amazon or what do we what do we ever grain prosthetics in North Carolina?

Speaker 52 Mohammed wasn't giving out leg samples at Target? No.

Speaker 80 All right.

Speaker 55 Stevie, what do you do for fun?

Speaker 178 You know,

Speaker 149 I don't know.

Speaker 149 Since I lost my leg, I haven't gone out much.

Speaker 85 What did you used to do for fun?

Speaker 149 Everything. Dirt bikes, motorcycles, boats.

Speaker 107 Fuck.

Speaker 149 Camping, all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 18 You could still do those things, right?

Speaker 133 You just haven't tried?

Speaker 149 Yeah, but I got white boy money, so I don't have boats no more.

Speaker 75 What do you mean, white boy money?

Speaker 58 I'm broke.

Speaker 76 Is that white boy money?

Speaker 18 I think that he mixed it up or something.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 105 My bad.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 112 So

Speaker 75 you still with the baby mama?

Speaker 149 No, absolutely not.

Speaker 149 I was married for seven years, and out of that, we were together two.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 58 And then, uh, did uh what the divorce cost you, an arm and a leg?

Speaker 157 Uh, just a leg.

Speaker 149 I was really good at negotiating.

Speaker 65 Amazing.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 15 So what's dating like?

Speaker 102 Here and there.

Speaker 102 I get around.

Speaker 70 You do.

Speaker 149 Sometimes I'll get in my wheelchair. It goes faster.

Speaker 93 You have a wheelchair?

Speaker 149 No, I got rid of it before I moved here. Right.

Speaker 69 Yeah.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 56 But

Speaker 53 how long have you lived here?

Speaker 81 Thursday will be two weeks.

Speaker 18 Got it. Two weeks.

Speaker 15 So you haven't been on a date or met a girl or anything here yet?

Speaker 127 Nope.

Speaker 49 Okay, Ian?

Speaker 141 It's just funny because the blind guy feels so bad for him.

Speaker 105 Yeah, he is.

Speaker 32 D-Man's is doing his scoffing thing.

Speaker 74 Damn, that's cold.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 157 Four years ago, shit.

Speaker 118 Are there any specs on that leg?

Speaker 140 Like when you ordered it, like, can it do, like you did the thing?

Speaker 118 Well,

Speaker 149 I mean, yes and no. It's more the accessories that I can put below the knee versus versus

Speaker 149 anything else I can put the running leg on here it's just like a big spring it looks like looks like blade runner you know like but I don't run if there's a bear I guess I'll fight it

Speaker 149 well there's no bears here in Austin where were you at before this Raleigh North Carolina right how did how's Austin different than Raleigh tell us about it it's got a cleaner downtown yeah I was actually surprised I've watched the show a lot and I've seen all the comments of the homeless population down here.

Speaker 149 And I was thinking Denver, you know, like Denver's gross. You can't even walk down there.
It's true.

Speaker 61 And people talk about the homeless population.

Speaker 46 It's really, it's two or three blocks of homeless people.

Speaker 77 Yeah. It's the food shelters.

Speaker 97 They're all cool.

Speaker 61 You know, they just wander around circles.

Speaker 96 There's a lot of liberals here in Austin.

Speaker 55 I can tell you lean to the right.

Speaker 76 How does it

Speaker 80 all right?

Speaker 94 You've still been here two weeks?

Speaker 52 Yes, sir. How long do you think it'll take you to land on your feet?

Speaker 149 I don't know.

Speaker 157 The plane's been canceled.

Speaker 42 Well, Stevie, keep...

Speaker 87 Yep, Adam, go ahead.

Speaker 52 I just want to ask a question. You said

Speaker 52 do your kids know you do comedy? Are they like supportive? Are they like?

Speaker 42 Well,

Speaker 149 my youngest daughter was supposed to move out, and that's why I decided to move to Austin.

Speaker 149 And she didn't because some shit happened. But I asked her to come with me tonight, and she's like, I don't wanna.

Speaker 149 So she's supportive of me being here, but she just doesn't want to be here. Yeah.
She says, Dad, I'm 18.

Speaker 149 I don't want to go hang out in a bar and watch drunk people get drunk.

Speaker 51 That makes sense.

Speaker 52 All right, I'm going to take a sip.

Speaker 51 That checks out.

Speaker 52 She's not wrong. That's a respectable answer.

Speaker 149 For my daughter, thanks.

Speaker 77 Stevie, congratulations.

Speaker 51 I'm going to give you a big joke book, buddy.

Speaker 14 I like your style.

Speaker 11 This is amazing.

Speaker 47 Fill it up.

Speaker 52 Work it out.

Speaker 21 First time ever.

Speaker 13 You're living your dreams.

Speaker 10 Stevie One Leg Wonder has made his debut here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 13 Come back, sign up again. Break a leg.

Speaker 6 Go do memes.

Speaker 77 What does that mean, Red Band?

Speaker 113 Yeah, they can.

Speaker 140 What do you mean? His big jokers.

Speaker 140 Oh.

Speaker 140 Oh, look who it is.

Speaker 13 The very controversial

Speaker 132 Paulie Shore.

Speaker 179 Is it okay? Is it okay if I give you a hug, bro?

Speaker 92 I'm so sorry.

Speaker 39 We don't need to to hug.

Speaker 13 We don't need to, we don't, we really, we don't, okay, all right, if you insist.

Speaker 132 There he is, Paulie Short coming up a very

Speaker 10 polarizing episode of Kill Tony with Roseanne Barr.

Speaker 124 I thought we barely.

Speaker 67 In which somehow he was the wild one.

Speaker 180 I just wanted to come out here in front of your whole audience. I know my audience is different than your audience.

Speaker 37 Very different.

Speaker 83 Yeah.

Speaker 180 And I just, I was on, thank you for having me on your show a couple months ago or whatever it was, but I was going through a lot of

Speaker 180 going through a lot of stuff and I've been taking some meds and I said that I got banned when

Speaker 98 it is

Speaker 175 the silver goat of Kill Tony Universe Brian Holtzman has arrived.

Speaker 66 No, let me finish my apologies so I can get accepted back here with the Kill Tony camp you cock sucker.

Speaker 11 Please.

Speaker 82 Paulie, let Brian talk for a second.

Speaker 50 Let's hear what Holtzman has to say.

Speaker 52 I'm taking care of watching over him.

Speaker 147 I'm kind kind of his minder, and

Speaker 147 I'm sorry about this. I turned around, I had to use the bathroom, and

Speaker 182 he ran up here.

Speaker 179 I just want to say, I lied, I lied, and I never got banned from his show.

Speaker 180 And I was just saying that because I was fucked, you know, I was on meds, but I'm okay now.

Speaker 14 So, okay, Paulie.

Speaker 179 So, thank you. I love you guys.
I apologize.

Speaker 40 He's in good hands.

Speaker 11 His new caretaker, Brian Holtzman.

Speaker 36 Wow what a moment a double character cameo by the great how about one more time for Paulie Shore and Brian Holtzman

Speaker 175 Brian Brian

Speaker 54 Brian you have any why don't you tell why don't you do it do a do it do it do it

Speaker 147 Paulie don't do anything just just just just be part of this set Paulie no Paulie Paulie is going through some rough times now with the controversy that took place. And

Speaker 147 they kind of want to, this family wants me to

Speaker 147 keep an eye on him, you know, and

Speaker 147 I hate everybody, too.

Speaker 147 So I just got back from New Orleans, and

Speaker 147 my asshole is still sore.

Speaker 181 And we had a good time, and everybody's happy about that and I'm happy about that and everybody's excited about that.

Speaker 181 And

Speaker 147 I wasn't expected to be up here, so I don't have any canned anything to say, but I will tell you there's a lot of retards at the airport.

Speaker 52 I tell you that.

Speaker 147 I mean, you're in the airport.

Speaker 182 Can anybody get on this plane without help?

Speaker 182 Is there anybody that can get on the fucking plane without help?

Speaker 182 Families traveling with children that need extra time.

Speaker 147 Get on the plane, you retarded family of poor.

Speaker 182 There's no steps on the jetway, just get on the fucking plane.

Speaker 182 There should be a separate airline for retards and handicapped people that can't get on the fucking plane.

Speaker 182 Retard air.

Speaker 182 Paint a big wheelchair on the tail.

Speaker 124 I don't know

Speaker 182 this plane goes down. Nobody cares.

Speaker 182 You mean we can get rid of this van with the workbench on the back?

Speaker 182 You mean we can get this boat dock off the front of the house?

Speaker 182 The front of the house is a skateboard park.

Speaker 182 Why would you put the ramp in front of the house?

Speaker 135 You want to let everybody know you got a

Speaker 135 somebody not doing well in the house?

Speaker 108 Put the ramp in the back of the house.

Speaker 182 I don't want the whole fucking neighborhood to know I'm fucking somebody who can't fuck back.

Speaker 145 Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 13 One of the greatest

Speaker 13 ever in the Keltoni universe.

Speaker 10 How about one more time for Paulie Shore and Brian Holtzman, everybody?

Speaker 14 What a crazy world we have around here where Paulie and Holtzman just come stumbling in.

Speaker 164 Back to the bucket we go, everybody.

Speaker 32 Who knows?

Speaker 55 The next Pauly Shore or Brian Holtzman could be this bucket pull.

Speaker 34 Anything can happen. Make some noise.

Speaker 15 This is a minute uninterrupted for Owen Gallabin, everybody. Owen Gallabin.

Speaker 148 I'm a first-generation American, you guys.

Speaker 148 Both of my parents are from Ireland.

Speaker 170 But my grandma, she's from like a small island off the west coast of Ireland with like 40 people on it.

Speaker 170 Didn't really dawn on me until I visited there last summer that that just makes me inbred as fuck, you guys.

Speaker 170 Who are they having sex with?

Speaker 140 No, I should be way uglier and way dumber than I am. I can never complain about being short again.

Speaker 170 It's a miracle that I can do math.

Speaker 170 Guys, there was one pub and two last names on that island.

Speaker 170 My family tree is just a wreath.

Speaker 170 I don't even have ancestors. I just have ancestors.

Speaker 170 Since I've come to this realization, though, I have been blaming a lot of my flaws on being inbred. That's been fun.
People tell me I talk too loud.

Speaker 140 I'm like, dude, you're lucky I'm not screaming wheels on the bus right now.

Speaker 170 That's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 14 Owen Gallavan.

Speaker 13 This is your first time on the show, right, Owen?

Speaker 170 No, I've been on a few times.

Speaker 107 Oh, okay.

Speaker 60 When was the last time?

Speaker 95 A year ago or something?

Speaker 170 A while ago.

Speaker 170 It was that crazy rapid fire bucket pull episode. No interview, yeah.

Speaker 56 Oh, okay. Where we found Martin Phillips, R.A.

Speaker 123 being Aaron Belisle.

Speaker 102 What was that?

Speaker 77 I don't know.

Speaker 77 That was. No, I don't know.

Speaker 170 It was here. It was bad.

Speaker 50 Perfect. Gotcha.

Speaker 65 Owen. So you had a rough set last time.

Speaker 107 Not great. Okay.
Well, welcome back.

Speaker 46 Seems to be getting better for you, Owen.

Speaker 123 Congratulations.

Speaker 65 You've been working hard at this?

Speaker 152 I have, yeah. How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 65 About six years.

Speaker 63 Six years.

Speaker 46 What do you do for work?

Speaker 170 I'm an engineer.

Speaker 51 Ooh, what kind of engineer?

Speaker 170 Mechanical by degree, but right now I work as an industrial engineer.

Speaker 151 You making good money?

Speaker 96 Pretty good. You live by yourself? I do.

Speaker 102 Nice. One bedroom?

Speaker 114 Yeah, one bedroom. Hell yeah.

Speaker 55 What's in your refrigerator refrigerator right now that would surprise us?

Speaker 170 Right now, I actually just went grocery shopping yesterday, so right now it's kind of full.

Speaker 148 Got a bunch of chicken broccoli Alfredo I made yesterday.

Speaker 140 Ooh.

Speaker 114 Not too bad.

Speaker 170 And some lamb chops I'm thinking about making maybe tomorrow.

Speaker 60 Wow, you're going to broil those?

Speaker 60 How are you going to prepare the lamb chops?

Speaker 55 Are you going to bake the lamb chops?

Speaker 170 If I'm going to be honest, I'm going to look up on YouTube how to cook them and just do what YouTube tells me.

Speaker 80 Amazing.

Speaker 60 Amazing.

Speaker 15 Okay, Owen, what's your love life like?

Speaker 170 You know, it's relatively normal. I was dating a girl for a little while this year.

Speaker 102 We broke up a couple months ago.

Speaker 170 And since then, no real dates.

Speaker 123 Why'd you break up a couple months ago?

Speaker 107 I broke up with her.

Speaker 170 She was real nice, but it just wasn't, you know, it. And I figured break it off now.

Speaker 75 When you say it wasn't it, what exactly was she missing?

Speaker 156 Um,

Speaker 170 just a feel it was just a feeling thing, you know what I mean? Couldn't feel it like deep down, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 107 All right, she didn't she didn't feel related to you, yeah.

Speaker 88 Amazing.

Speaker 162 Owen, you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

Speaker 170 Nothing I haven't done before on here. Last time I did a dumbass cricket noise and that got Vogan.

Speaker 59 Let's hear the cricket noise.

Speaker 68 Red band.

Speaker 77 I mean, he's literally doing a cricket noise.

Speaker 29 So when you hit the sound effect, that's...

Speaker 34 it.

Speaker 57 There's some pressure here.

Speaker 18 Here he goes with his cricket noise.

Speaker 170 No, I can't do it. It's too much pressure.
That was a quick.

Speaker 108 I choked. I choked.

Speaker 11 Can't do it.

Speaker 170 Tried it. Tried as hard as I can.

Speaker 51 I'll try one more time.

Speaker 80 I'll try one more time.

Speaker 31 Okay, here we go. With his cricket noise.

Speaker 3 Can't do it. It is.

Speaker 170 Trust me, it is good when I'm not in front of 200 people staring at me. It's alright.
Okay.

Speaker 38 Alright, Owen.

Speaker 59 I see why I dismissed you very quickly last time.

Speaker 98 Yeah.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 121 You're leaving with a medium, very black

Speaker 61 joke book. It's a medium black.

Speaker 72 There he goes.

Speaker 30 Owen Gallivan.

Speaker 111 We're going to keep it moving here.

Speaker 63 Some of these people, they really struggle with the interview part of the show.

Speaker 123 It's very interesting.

Speaker 61 It's tough, right? It is tough.

Speaker 52 Tougher than you think to just talk about yourself, but...

Speaker 53 For some, yeah. For some, yeah.

Speaker 55 Yeah, I'd really try to help these people.

Speaker 52 Yeah, you ask good questions.

Speaker 65 I do my best.

Speaker 29 Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket bowl, you still having fun out there?

Speaker 109 All right.

Speaker 66 Make some noise for Sebastian Santa Maria.

Speaker 48 Sebastian Santa Maria.

Speaker 183 Yo, yo, how's it going, Austin? Everybody looks absolutely beautiful tonight. So, unbelievable this is happening.

Speaker 183 So, lately, I've been having some crazy urges. And I mean, I guess everybody has urges.
And mine have been at night, you know.

Speaker 183 and it's honestly been like whether I'm gonna jerk off or not

Speaker 124 and

Speaker 183 whenever I jerk off man I have terrible fucking dreams I think about you know like well I dream about you know like getting stabbed and bleeding out in Shrek's apartment he's like stabbing me it's absolutely horrible and then if I don't if I don't jerk off it's just you know i have epic dreams dude i'm like smashing fiona it's awesome dude it's awesome and i'm not talking about the skinny bitch i'm talking about you know, like green, hot, like, swampy puss, Fiona, dude.

Speaker 183 This guy knows what I'm talking about. Hell yeah.

Speaker 127 I know you like that shit, dog.

Speaker 183 So, you know, and I wake up at three in the morning.

Speaker 3 I'm absolutely bricked up.

Speaker 52 And what do I do?

Speaker 16 I jerk off.

Speaker 107 Terrible idea.

Speaker 183 Because guess what happens, dude?

Speaker 16 I'm back with Trek.

Speaker 183 And he knows that I just smashed his fiancé or his wife, depending on what movie.

Speaker 14 Jesus Christ almighty, Sebastian Santa Maria.

Speaker 57 What the fuck was that?

Speaker 124 Oh, God, man.

Speaker 31 Holy shit, Sebastian.

Speaker 51 Don't do that to me, man.

Speaker 77 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 183 I've been doing it for the love of sport for the past like six to eight months. You know, I don't really have a handle or anything like that.

Speaker 95 You don't have a what? I like to do. You don't have a what? A handle.

Speaker 107 Like

Speaker 100 IG.

Speaker 52 I thought you made like a handle of the craft.

Speaker 136 Yeah. A handle of the craft.

Speaker 103 I think

Speaker 183 on that second turn of the night dude i'm gonna have a good handle of uh shrek you know yeah

Speaker 52 i always love a good it's one of my favorite things i get and i think i even did it too like starting out in comedy every new comic does it when like they do a joke and it's maybe not what they thought they wanted to say or how it was supposed to go and they go this guy knows what i'm talking about

Speaker 52 Like you suck this guy into your Shrek swamp pussy joke and he was like, I do know. I'm sorry.
I don't, but I'm saying I do because I don't want you to kill yourself. Yeah.

Speaker 171 I can see West Texas when I see it, man.

Speaker 132 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 150 Sebastian.

Speaker 79 Yes, sir. How old are you?

Speaker 124 I'm 26.

Speaker 96 26? Wow. What made you want to start stand-up now?

Speaker 183 Dude, why not, man? I'm in the oil field. I can't do any drugs anymore.
So I figured, you know, I have to get a rush somehow.

Speaker 127 And this is kind of like gambling, getting killed Tony. Why not, dude? Why not?

Speaker 60 Well, I mean, it's not really like gambling.

Speaker 75 You could prepare and do good at this.

Speaker 94 It's not like the house has better odds than you or anything.

Speaker 75 Everyone wants you to do good.

Speaker 38 So it's not really gambling.

Speaker 75 I mean, if you prepared and tried it out at open mics and stuff.

Speaker 46 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 41 Do you have any

Speaker 60 other special skills?

Speaker 88 What have you been good at in your life?

Speaker 65 You're 26.

Speaker 95 You're a good-looking guy.

Speaker 89 Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Speaker 59 All right, answer the question, Jesus.

Speaker 91 Just fell in love after that.

Speaker 183 Guys don't get that many compliments, so I have to take your little breather.

Speaker 15 That is the one compliment anyone could give you.

Speaker 94 you do look handsome once you start talking all the pussies dry up

Speaker 183 all the hard cocks go soft no swamp pussy in here i can see uh what other skills do i have man i'm an engineer i've been doing that for a while jeez uh

Speaker 15 these engineers cannot engineer a joke huh

Speaker 99 okay

Speaker 95 What else? Are you good at anything?

Speaker 84 You seem like you could keep a soccer ball up in the air for a while.

Speaker 157 Something like that? Man, totally.

Speaker 183 I'm out of here with the beanbag suit. I'm Argentinian, so number one.

Speaker 77 What does that mean?

Speaker 110 Number one. Well, you won the World Cup.

Speaker 42 You mean number one?

Speaker 170 Yeah, number one.

Speaker 54 Oh, you won the World Cup.

Speaker 127 I didn't win it, but Argentina did.

Speaker 75 Argentina did.

Speaker 38 Ian is our senior soccer correspondent, believe it or not.

Speaker 42 The rare black soccer fan.

Speaker 95 Okay.

Speaker 141 They won. When did you win?

Speaker 102 Like two years ago?

Speaker 38 2022. Oh, 2022.

Speaker 99 Our double senior soccer correspondent over there.

Speaker 55 Amazing.

Speaker 52 You said you can't do drugs anymore. What were some of the hardest and most fun drugs that you did?

Speaker 127 Fuck, dude. I went to Texas Tech, man.
Rec and Tech.

Speaker 107 They're quite a bit of them.

Speaker 127 They're quite a bit of them.

Speaker 183 You want me to listen out?

Speaker 52 I think that's what I just asked. Yeah, I think I...
Remember when I said, what were some of the hard drugs that you did?

Speaker 183 Fuck, you're going to put me on the spot? I'm not trying to lose my job.

Speaker 31 You're okay, Sebastian.

Speaker 136 This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 145 yeah

Speaker 13 sebastian here's the little joke book

Speaker 14 there he goes sebastian santa maria ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 45 so i'm gonna tell you what we're gonna do something special here this is completely unplanned this has been one of those

Speaker 19 This has been one of those rare Mondays where I have been in full recovery all day.

Speaker 45 We are coming off of Skank Fest weekend.

Speaker 31 I flew in yesterday with Shane Gillis and Joe DeRosa and we drank all fucking day yesterday.

Speaker 94 Starting with screwdrivers on the plane, we landed, went to a fucking bar and drank for 10 hours straight.

Speaker 163 I was sick in the middle of the night.

Speaker 37 I got an IV drip today, been drinking water, coffee, this, that to repair myself.

Speaker 52 So I have to pee so badly that I'm basically sweating out of my eyes.

Speaker 50 So what I think we should do, if the crowd wants to do it, and if Adam wants to do it, why don't we do a little fucking

Speaker 11 little Tony Hinchcliffe and I go pee and I'll let you call up this bucket pull.

Speaker 43 Is that that sound fun to you guys?

Speaker 10 Ladies and gentlemen, hosting for me while I step out to the bathroom for a couple minutes.

Speaker 39 Make some noise for Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody.

Speaker 144 Oh my God.

Speaker 52 One more time. Thanks.
We're really doing it, Red Band.

Speaker 91 Oh my God.

Speaker 111 Who's having the best fucking night of their lives right now, by the way?

Speaker 52 Unbelievable.

Speaker 27 Save over $200 when you book weekly stays with Verbo this winter. If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin.

Speaker 27 Take a week-long vacation and save over $200. Book now at Verbo.com.

Speaker 28 Experience a membership that backs what you're building with American Express Business Platinum.

Speaker 28 Enjoy complimentary access to the American Express Global Lounge Collection and a welcome offer of 200,000 points after you spent $20,000 on purchases on the card within your first three months of membership.

Speaker 28 American Express Business Platinum. There's nothing like it.
Terms apply. Learn more at AmericanExpress.com/slash business dash platinum.

Speaker 52 Don't play that monkey noise anymore, Red Band.

Speaker 52 Your next bucket pull?

Speaker 52 I don't believe he's been on this show before.

Speaker 52 But he goes. He has a name, and I'm going to read it right now.
Here on Kill Tony.

Speaker 138 Oh.

Speaker 52 he goes by the name of

Speaker 52 fuck

Speaker 108 Brandon

Speaker 39 Raris keep it going for Brandon Raris the Kill Tony debut

Speaker 52 here he is everybody

Speaker 136 Disney adult am I right

Speaker 122 Ew

Speaker 130 My kids dressing me have an excuse okay guys

Speaker 130 just celebrated 15 years of marriage.

Speaker 130 It's the same energy I gave that last 15 years. Thanks, guys.

Speaker 130 We've been trying this new thing.

Speaker 130 My wife's love language is quality time.

Speaker 80 We're like trapped in a room, trying to escape.

Speaker 130 An argument in the car, that's right, yeah.

Speaker 130 Just one argument away from winning.

Speaker 134 Woo!

Speaker 52 Keep going. I want to hear where this goes.

Speaker 17 We'll be right back.

Speaker 91 Oh, my God.

Speaker 130 We're good.

Speaker 84 Hello. How are you? Hi.

Speaker 15 What's going on?

Speaker 52 He was going to finish the rest of his joke.

Speaker 98 Oh,

Speaker 11 you're still doing it?

Speaker 130 This thing called momentum. It's gone now.
We're good. Go ahead, finish it.

Speaker 15 Finish it.

Speaker 157 Yeah, come on. Come on, finish it.
Come on, come on. Let's hear it.

Speaker 2 Already, let's finish it.

Speaker 177 Come on. Finish it.

Speaker 52 Pretend it's a plate of pancakes. Finish it.

Speaker 70 Finish it.

Speaker 52 Finish it.

Speaker 130 More of a French toast guy, but I'll still do it.

Speaker 93 There you go. That was it.
Okay.

Speaker 105 Sorry.

Speaker 53 Look at that ash.

Speaker 98 Oh.

Speaker 52 I'm more of a blunt guy these days.

Speaker 52 Want to take your seat back? Yeah, let's swap.

Speaker 2 Swap.

Speaker 94 I swear it's the last time I'm doing Dr. Phil.
Don't miss it.

Speaker 98 December 18th.

Speaker 52 I love you.

Speaker 12 December 16th.

Speaker 91 December 16th, Wildrun Theater, Los Angeles.

Speaker 42 Oh, I love being back to me.

Speaker 91 Okay, how did that go?

Speaker 77 I'll tell you, I was just out back peeing.

Speaker 57 Didn't hear a lot.

Speaker 130 I felt like they're laughing at me, not with me right now, but no, it was good.

Speaker 81 It was fine.

Speaker 77 Were you once the catcher in the movie The Sand Lot?

Speaker 10 Now you're all grown up.

Speaker 31 This is how you ended up?

Speaker 130 I've been in a little bit of weight loss journey.

Speaker 130 I've gained 30 pounds.

Speaker 102 It's not going good.

Speaker 16 This is Brandon, right? Yes, sir.

Speaker 75 Brandon, you've been on the show once before.

Speaker 55 Yeah. And you cried.
You got a little emotional last year.

Speaker 143 Yeah, I lost it like a little girl no it's fine it's good you showed your true feelings yeah I'm holding it together right now today yeah how's life changed since you were on Kill Tony

Speaker 61 go ahead Bray yeah answer the question Bray I don't want to be known as the crying guy but

Speaker 130 It's been great. I'm a huge fan of the show.
Love the community.

Speaker 130 Been hitting mics and other shows and trying to get better at the craft.

Speaker 38 You say you've been hitting mics.

Speaker 63 Are we talking about jersey mics or

Speaker 80 yeah, maybe

Speaker 56 what else has been going on in life, Brandon?

Speaker 130 I've been doing VR comedy.

Speaker 130 So like I actually won a thousand dollar contests and got paid to do comedy and VR.

Speaker 65 You won $1,000

Speaker 143 doing VR comedy?

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 51 Wow.

Speaker 75 Red Band is our senior VR correspondent.

Speaker 42 Yes.

Speaker 97 Cool.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 71 There you go.

Speaker 93 The key word being V there in actual reality, not much going on, but in virtual reality, you guys are living your dreams.

Speaker 130 Just trying to.

Speaker 130 Yeah,

Speaker 130 it's been fun. I've been away to

Speaker 130 me because I have family can't get out to mics as much. So I've been trying to hone the craft, write more jokes.

Speaker 62 And there's like real people in the thing.

Speaker 130 Most of them are furries, but you know,

Speaker 80 work with you, work with.

Speaker 159 What's your avatar?

Speaker 130 Spider-Man, from the Spider-Verse in the pink robe.

Speaker 31 I'm going to kill everybody in this room.

Speaker 53 I'm sorry. This is unbelievable.

Speaker 164 This is what fat guys do, by the way.

Speaker 53 They go to VR and like, I'm Spider-Man now.

Speaker 131 I can jump around in virtual world.

Speaker 69 Look at me.

Speaker 96 I can run in virtual reality.

Speaker 84 Oh,

Speaker 64 if I just press down this toggle button, I can do what I can do now.

Speaker 148 Oh, watch.

Speaker 51 I'm going to kick myself in the head.

Speaker 131 Pain-free kick in the head.

Speaker 130 Thanks for showing the last one. That was good.

Speaker 80 Whatever.

Speaker 68 What am I missing here?

Speaker 31 What would you ask, Brandon, if you saw his set?

Speaker 52 Yeah,

Speaker 52 I missed the first couple jokes. Is there like a joke that you didn't do, I guess, that you feel like maybe you, because I know sometimes you get nervous when you come out of here, right?

Speaker 52 You might forgot something you wanted to do.

Speaker 130 I was planning on going into another joke from there, but then I lost, well, didn't lose a moment if it just felt like their room was laughing.

Speaker 113 So I just kind of soaking that in.

Speaker 52 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw you kind of like just kind of milking them all.

Speaker 184 Is it, can we hear one more joke?

Speaker 72 Yeah.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 50 Let's hear one more joke from Brandon Ferris.

Speaker 130 I've been wanting to start this new thing called OnlyDads.

Speaker 51 It's wholesome.

Speaker 130 It's where I say things to you like, hey, Tony, I'm proud of you.

Speaker 130 Or Red Band, we probably shouldn't do that.

Speaker 130 And then, just like your real dad, when your subscription expires, I leave.

Speaker 80 Bye.

Speaker 42 All right, Brandon.

Speaker 52 Got a reaction.

Speaker 31 That must kill in virtual reality.

Speaker 94 Dang it.

Speaker 31 All right. What does he get? Little or big?

Speaker 53 What'd you end up with last time?

Speaker 130 I got a big one because I cried, but my daughter wants me to get a little one.

Speaker 65 Okay, guess what?

Speaker 151 She wants.

Speaker 93 There you go. Daughter gets

Speaker 36 what daughter wants.

Speaker 41 There goes Brandon Ferris, everybody.

Speaker 130 My daughter's been doing comedy. Would you be open to giving her a minute?

Speaker 59 What are you talking about?

Speaker 18 How old's your daughter?

Speaker 130 She's eight and the other one's 11.

Speaker 55 No, we can't.

Speaker 56 We're not allowed to have people.

Speaker 50 Not at this venue because it serves so much alcohol.

Speaker 59 It's a good thing.

Speaker 87 It's a secret show, Red Band.

Speaker 110 Whoa, Red Band.

Speaker 42 Yeah.

Speaker 40 Red Band wants to know how big her tits are before he books her.

Speaker 82 Is it still flat or is there a little something there?

Speaker 43 She might get the spot.

Speaker 157 What's your avatar?

Speaker 130 Huge. She's got huge knockers.

Speaker 93 There you go.

Speaker 68 There he goes. Brandon Ferris.

Speaker 11 I was just kidding.

Speaker 94 We don't really want to know what your daughter's tits are like. There goes Brandon, everybody.

Speaker 68 Final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Kendall Jr., everybody.

Speaker 94 Here we go.

Speaker 57 Kendall Jr.

Speaker 167 So I got a violent hand job from an Indian lady named Shiva.

Speaker 167 Many hands.

Speaker 167 So I love watching nude movie scenes with my parents.

Speaker 167 It's nothing too crazy, just something where the dude might perhaps have his cock out.

Speaker 167 But it's mainly from my mom's reaction, though, because

Speaker 167 she'll be looking over my dad like,

Speaker 167 honey, is that

Speaker 57 real?

Speaker 140 My dad's like, Don't worry, baby, he just fluffed that shit up.

Speaker 107 It's what they do.

Speaker 167 My dad is a small penis,

Speaker 167 apparently,

Speaker 167 which means I got mine from my mom.

Speaker 167 I've been thinking about if they made a gay porn parody of Men in Black,

Speaker 167 but they just called it Men in Black.

Speaker 167 Men?

Speaker 42 All right, thank you.

Speaker 49 There you go.

Speaker 144 Kendall Jr.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 67 T-Maden is with the bass riff that says it all.

Speaker 75 Kendall, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 63 This is a million-dollar question here.

Speaker 95 One year.

Speaker 49 One year, okay.

Speaker 114 Yeah, last October.

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 46 Okay. You work hard at it?

Speaker 121 Do you do it like a few times a week?

Speaker 167 Yeah, yeah, like every week, like two to four.

Speaker 96 How many times have you signed up for this show?

Speaker 167 Five. This is my fifth time.

Speaker 55 And then your first time on this show, correct?

Speaker 35 Yes, yes.

Speaker 138 Okay. What do you do for work?

Speaker 167 I'm disabled. I don't.

Speaker 18 What's disabled about you?

Speaker 167 I have had like bad back surgeries like since I was 18.

Speaker 63 Why? What was wrong with your back?

Speaker 167 I had kyphosis and scoliosis. I had to do the spinal fusion, like top to bottom type of thing.

Speaker 114 It kind of, yeah, it's a little, it's a lot.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 89 But you're on disability.

Speaker 107 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 58 Okay.

Speaker 167 Yeah, it gives me a unique opportunity to kind of dive into,

Speaker 115 I had a, like, yeah, pretty, a lot to talk about.

Speaker 102 What do you mean?

Speaker 167 Oh, like in comedy, I feel like there's a lot of like material. Like, I used to be like a fat heroin addict because of it.

Speaker 140 Oh.

Speaker 167 Not because of it, but the heroin was sort of from the...

Speaker 107 So like there's a lot of material there.

Speaker 96 Sure. How did you stumble into heroin?

Speaker 171 Well, it was,

Speaker 167 well, like prescriptions, over-prescribing, and it feels really good.

Speaker 107 And then you're like, well, I have a bad back.

Speaker 167 I could just kind of,

Speaker 167 you know, but no, it.

Speaker 75 So it started as a pain pill addiction.

Speaker 167 Yeah, pain pill addiction. You kind of...

Speaker 85 And then it got out of control.

Speaker 167 It got out of control. And then someone's like, hey, this was like 2015.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 114 Try this. Yeah.

Speaker 123 Who recommended heroin to you?

Speaker 167 A buddy of mine who has a good friend. He's dead now.

Speaker 80 How did he die?

Speaker 115 No, I think his soul died long ago.

Speaker 52 These guys know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 110 Yeah. Sorry.

Speaker 78 All right.

Speaker 155 No, he's still out there.

Speaker 167 I don't know, man. A couple of people have died.
Yeah, but you know, neither here nor there. I got out.
I'm seven years clean. Good feel.

Speaker 84 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Wow.

Speaker 155 That felt better than heroin.

Speaker 103 I'll say that.

Speaker 88 Wow.

Speaker 38 When the doctor put you out for your back surgery, was he like, you'll be right back.

Speaker 52 Pointing to your back. It's so easy, isn't it?

Speaker 36 Pointing to the back.

Speaker 80 You'll be right back.

Speaker 45 You see what I'm trying to? All right.

Speaker 65 It's not easy.

Speaker 14 It's not easy doing back jokes.

Speaker 107 You'll be right back.

Speaker 148 Well, I kind of was like four hours late.

Speaker 167 I had to do emergency surgery.

Speaker 114 So he was like, yeah, you'll be right back.

Speaker 42 Your arms are big.

Speaker 88 Is that from because you used to be fat? It looks like you're... You have a little bit of both.

Speaker 107 I have like exercise.

Speaker 167 You know, diet and exercise take you long.

Speaker 56 You're like built like Popeye or something like that.

Speaker 31 You have an interesting build.

Speaker 115 You have like a small head for your big frame.

Speaker 167 Yeah, yeah. It's, yeah.
Okay. We're working on it slowly.
It used to be rounder. You know, they had to like roll me around.

Speaker 55 Where are you from?

Speaker 96 I'm getting like a West Virginia, Virginia vibes somewhere around there.

Speaker 140 Houston.

Speaker 15 Oh, yeah, the West Virginia of Texas.

Speaker 105 Perfect.

Speaker 167 That's funny. That's good.

Speaker 31 Okay, so disability all the way.

Speaker 165 You don't make money anyway. You don't have a gambling problem?

Speaker 167 No, I try to stay away from. This is only adrenaline type of

Speaker 167 wise-ish.

Speaker 79 How old are you?

Speaker 107 34.

Speaker 114 What's your love life like?

Speaker 167 I have a girlfriend. She's kind.

Speaker 89 She's really, yeah, it's awesome.

Speaker 96 Oh, she's kind.

Speaker 117 Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 68 Nothing gets me

Speaker 77 quite as excited as kindness.

Speaker 167 Yeah, no, no, she's...

Speaker 171 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42 I have a...

Speaker 107 Yeah.

Speaker 140 On a scale of one to ten, how how kind is she?

Speaker 52 Great question, Ian.

Speaker 167 Spinal tap. Spinal tap.
It goes to 11. You know, it goes to 10.

Speaker 102 All right. So what's the scale?

Speaker 132 Oh, she used to be heavy.

Speaker 167 She used to be heavier, but no, she's like.

Speaker 129 Did you guys lose weight together?

Speaker 167 No, no, no, no. This is a...

Speaker 167 I met her a few months back.

Speaker 146 Are you on heroin now?

Speaker 167 No, no.

Speaker 95 How heavy were you at one point?

Speaker 57 I was almost 360.

Speaker 167 I say 355. Wow.

Speaker 83 I know.

Speaker 171 I say 3 because it's like, you know, I'm on my fat week.

Speaker 167 I'm a little fluffy this week. I'm like, gotcha.

Speaker 18 So you were 360.

Speaker 75 What was she at one point?

Speaker 167 She was, I think, like 260. She's like,

Speaker 167 she's well under that now, but I didn't meet her then.

Speaker 114 So

Speaker 107 I would have been.

Speaker 99 No.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 167 No, I know what it takes. I know what it takes to get out of the gutter.

Speaker 86 Do you guys sometimes get your loose skin tangled up with each other's?

Speaker 171 Hers is.

Speaker 167 no no it's uh no it's good i'm just kidding all right uh kendall before i let you go craziest thing about you or your life uh craziest thing uh i once shit myself walking into an h e b while trying to drop off prescriptions for opiates and then it's i had to continue dropping it off and like it was just

Speaker 167 Yeah, I had boots on though and jeans.

Speaker 31 Now, was it because you knew you were about to get the opiates? Like, you get excited?

Speaker 148 I went to the doctor already.

Speaker 167 Oh, no. It was like, it was a hard opiate.
It was opanna. I suggest they've stopped it.
It was stronger than heroin. So it led me to kind of like, I was like, oh, heroin, this is it.

Speaker 15 So it like relaxed your sphincter. And that's why you should.

Speaker 136 You could say that.

Speaker 167 You could say that.

Speaker 67 Well, I mean, I could say that. I did say that, but I'm asking you.

Speaker 38 Was it because of the prescription or it's the withdrawals?

Speaker 167 You know, the withdrawals just like make everything fucking. It was like diarrhea plus you're probably relaxed.
Yeah. Yeah.
But then you're like uptight.

Speaker 114 So it's like, you know. Wow.

Speaker 53 Sounds like a red band, uh, a red band bit on a Thursday night at the Secret Show.

Speaker 31 Diarrhea mixed with all right.

Speaker 52 What was the can I just one

Speaker 52 heroin? Is like when you do it, it's not like weed where you're like, let's fit fucking Xbox. Like, you do heroin, and like, what's the go-to activity?

Speaker 167 I've cleaned before, you know, it's like one of those things where it's like, after a while, it gives you energy, it makes you normal.

Speaker 167 But at first, you're just like, I want to like put on a film or something.

Speaker 52 Relax. What film?

Speaker 181 Film two?

Speaker 177 No,

Speaker 107 I used to like putting on Rushmore like Bottle Rocket or something.

Speaker 114 Stupid.

Speaker 52 You'd look like me if I started doing heroin.

Speaker 136 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 167 Don't. Yeah.

Speaker 52 Well, don't tell me how to live my life, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 49 Well, Kendall.

Speaker 93 You did it. Here's a little joke book.
There he goes.

Speaker 14 Kendall Jr., ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 105 Well,

Speaker 32 what an episode it's been.

Speaker 15 Who can forget Martin Phillips' amazing opening?

Speaker 14 And then a lot of fat military people,

Speaker 36 and then the darkest man in the history of the show, Mohamed Yu All Derek Flynn, Stevie One Leg Wonder, so much happened.

Speaker 31 There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the Hall of Famer with the record for most appearances ever on this show,

Speaker 12 most interviews ever on this show.

Speaker 39 The reigning, defending,

Speaker 39 super regular of Kiltoni.

Speaker 13 Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler,

Speaker 11 the Prince of Pancakes,

Speaker 36 the Big Red Machine.

Speaker 11 This is William Montgomery.

Speaker 108 Hey, Redman, I'm still thinking about yo fat ass kicking your leg up, bitch.

Speaker 132 Just in case anybody was wondering, I still haven't heard back from medical school yet

Speaker 132 So I'm coming out to Smokey and the bandit remake, but the truckers are all wearing turbans and sideswiping minivans and gutting illegal U-turns going 75 miles an hour.

Speaker 132 Hey, Redband, I saw that you got a colonoscopy recently. I'm wondering, did it hurt when they put the tube in your nose?

Speaker 132 What if if instead of planet Earth we watched planet Jupiter?

Speaker 124 Dude, that would have been such a long show.

Speaker 108 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 142 Thank you.

Speaker 17 Wow.

Speaker 36 William Montgomery gracing us with not one but two Red Band jokes.

Speaker 132 Two tonight. I couldn't believe his fucking crazy ass.
I can't believe you were able to do that, Red Band. Kick your fucking head.

Speaker 52 Well, he wasn't.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 132 He tore his belly button at one point.

Speaker 57 What?

Speaker 151 Can you imagine that?

Speaker 55 Can you imagine what Red Band's belly button must look like?

Speaker 15 What do you think that looks like, William?

Speaker 132 You get it probably as a bunch of purpley veins in the inside once you get through the hair on the inside because I've seen his ass naked many times.

Speaker 94 I believe Bubba Fett fell into it in episode three of Star Wars and Return of the Jedi.

Speaker 65 What is that? The Snarlacc? What is it? The Sarlak pit.

Speaker 15 Sarla.

Speaker 35 That's what many people describe his belly button like, which is now torn.

Speaker 93 William, let's talk about it.

Speaker 75 You are two weeks out of being super viral now.

Speaker 14 The world is talking about it.

Speaker 47 I basically think it's a fucking...

Speaker 129 A lot of people, and

Speaker 31 it was heavily talked about at Skank Fest.

Speaker 93 You were talked about.

Speaker 140 What did people say?

Speaker 39 Everybody says...

Speaker 129 Everybody there, every comedian there thinks it is the funniest thing they've ever seen in their entire lives.

Speaker 93 They think that's the way to enjoy William Montgomery.

Speaker 31 People are saying the comedians are like, that's a brilliant special is do your stuff in front of a hip-alt,

Speaker 94 you know, audience that's literally there to see something else.

Speaker 31 I heard it compared to somebody there said that it was like, oh, God, what was it?

Speaker 61 It was like, if Tool opened up for pink.

Speaker 94 somebody said something like that

Speaker 46 and it makes perfect sense

Speaker 46 uh because you just are totally different you're a different type of thing it was the right

Speaker 42 thing

Speaker 132 yeah at the beginning Tony it was kind of hurting my feelings but I've been good I don't really look at really look at anything because it doesn't really matter but I start thinking about it Tony I'm thinking well what is the problem so what if I do comedy I'm not allowed to bomb people just never bomb I just

Speaker 132 that's all I didn't understand. And then that's confused.

Speaker 13 That confused me just because, I don't know, it doesn't.

Speaker 156 You didn't bomb, William.

Speaker 80 That audience bombed.

Speaker 105 You didn't bomb, William.

Speaker 3 God.

Speaker 108 Red Man, seriously, you're the last person I want to hear anything nice from, you dumbass.

Speaker 124 Seriously, you're the last fucking idiot I want to hear anything from right now.

Speaker 36 I'm not feeling real great right now.

Speaker 171 Just generally speaking, so I don't really want to hear you right now.

Speaker 132 Seriously.

Speaker 2 Seriously.

Speaker 132 Kind of been feeling down today. So, seriously, I don't want to hear you again.
Thank you.

Speaker 140 Thank you, though. Thank you.

Speaker 95 He's very grateful.

Speaker 132 I think you mean well. I think you mean well.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 160 I love it.

Speaker 132 But yeah, Tony, I ended up doing a show in Jackson, Mississippi on Thursday, and thank God it felt good. So I was able to get the other set out of my head.

Speaker 132 And then I ended up going to the Grove to Oxford on Saturday. Ole Miss was playing Florida, and I was wearing Florida stuff.

Speaker 132 And Tony, I I walked down this thing called the Walk of Champions, and I felt like I was back at the show where everybody was booing me so bad. It was horrible.

Speaker 132 I guess all the fraternity people are lining up on each side of the fence and they're all screaming and they were all screaming at me.

Speaker 3 They were saying, oh, you spent money on those clothes.

Speaker 132 They kept on saying stuff like that.

Speaker 140 They were talking about my mom.

Speaker 132 Yeah, the spending money on the, that hurt me for some reason. They were just screaming at me.

Speaker 132 And then this one guy, one guy recognized me and we shake hands in the midst of all of this chaos and then the guy next to him he also goes out to shake my hand and then he pulls his hand up and they all laugh real and i'm thinking okay i just got to keep moving forward through this horrible situation i felt literally like a jewish person going to uh

Speaker 132 say it say it

Speaker 108 Say it. But no, I mean, that's really what I was thinking.

Speaker 132 Like, he's like the one buddy I see in the crowd and he's like helping me kind of, but then he can't because everybody else hates me.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 52 this guy knows what I'm talking about right now.

Speaker 52 Fuck them, dude. First of all, I saw that clip.
It made me so happy because I adore you. And you were so, you stayed in the pocket, you stayed you, you committed, you powered through.

Speaker 52 And yeah, you don't get better when you crush all the time, but you know, just fucking that audience didn't pick up on it. It's their fault.

Speaker 160 Yeah, fuck them.

Speaker 52 Yeah, I don't give a shit. You know how many people you bring joy to all the time?

Speaker 73 Yeah, I don't give a shit.

Speaker 70 Oh,

Speaker 57 you hurt, You hurt yourself?

Speaker 51 No.

Speaker 116 Oh.

Speaker 143 So what else have you been doing this week?

Speaker 75 You wrote a new Smokey and the Bandit joke in between two red band jokes?

Speaker 132 Yes.

Speaker 75 Where do you, what makes you write a Smokey and the Bandit joke?

Speaker 132 I watched Smokey and the Bandit this past week down in Mississippi. Oh.
And I was, and then,

Speaker 160 yeah.

Speaker 132 And then I'm thinking, okay, let's make it, let's,

Speaker 132 for the people, let's think turbans, just turbo, just saying people with turbines, I think is funny.

Speaker 132 And I was like, okay, what's something dangerous you do in a car? Okay, side-swiping people, 75 miles an hour.

Speaker 132 Stuff like that.

Speaker 57 That's the process.

Speaker 161 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 132 Just smoking a bunch of weed.

Speaker 129 Is there anything that you like to snack on when you're writing?

Speaker 123 Snack on or drink performance?

Speaker 132 Well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks now, Tony. I think that's why today I was feeling a little down.
And Red Band, don't shake your head yes at that.

Speaker 132 Seriously, don't even look at me right now.

Speaker 132 Seriously, don't even look at me right now i've been feeling down today i'm not even kidding don't look at me right now uh but yeah i haven't been able to do the row machine in three weeks so i got to get back on that oh yeah he's eating his glasses right now

Speaker 132 he's got edible edible oh jesus red band okay he's kind of like my dick and his mom's mouth the other day

Speaker 124 this kind of slaps he's so yes he's so old so it's just kind of slopping her out at her fucking mouth wow what else does his mom do when you're with her?

Speaker 132 I'm kidding. That was mean.
No. Okay.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 132 Rebe is going to go to me crying after them.

Speaker 57 That's all I'm like a little bitch.

Speaker 132 That's why I thought I'd get off on him on that one. He's going to cry about that one after me.

Speaker 50 You think so?

Speaker 113 William, you're so funny.

Speaker 94 Oh, my God.

Speaker 42 I love it.

Speaker 57 I just love it.

Speaker 38 Do you have any other big crazy gigs planned?

Speaker 55 You perhaps perhaps opening up for a church choir at some point in the near future?

Speaker 84 Anything like that?

Speaker 38 Any big paydays coming up?

Speaker 55 You opening up for perhaps

Speaker 107 at the

Speaker 96 School for the Deaf or something?

Speaker 132 Okloma City. I'll be in Okloma City in Tulsa, Okloma in the middle of December.

Speaker 132 Then I've got to figure out stuff for next year and there's stuff going on there right now.

Speaker 118 Oh, like what?

Speaker 160 A bunch of just different stuff going on.

Speaker 77 What kind of stuff is going on? Stress today.

Speaker 160 What are you stressing today?

Speaker 132 I'm not talking about it right now.

Speaker 160 Oh, boy, really?

Speaker 132 Yeah, yeah. No way.

Speaker 130 No way.

Speaker 130 No way.

Speaker 132 There's no, just no way. Yeah, kind of big things, Carnot.

Speaker 65 You have great ducks on your shirt.

Speaker 125 Thank you so much.

Speaker 57 Where do you get a shirt?

Speaker 132 Like this? This is eBay.

Speaker 174 eBay.

Speaker 76 Yeah, eBay.

Speaker 128 You get a lot of stuff off eBay?

Speaker 81 Yeah, recently I've been getting a bunch of Oriental rugs.

Speaker 7 Rocks off eBay.

Speaker 9 Wow.

Speaker 86 What else you've been getting off eBay?

Speaker 108 Mainly just Oriental rugs, Tony.

Speaker 95 Wow, how many oriental rugs have you gotten?

Speaker 83 15.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 164 What are you doing with all these rugs?

Speaker 125 Yeah, I'm going through it right now, Tony.

Speaker 132 I'm real sad, so I've just been getting fucking oriental rugs off of fucking eBay.

Speaker 81 Like really cool-looking ones.

Speaker 132 Like they look very cool. Like, I'm proud of it.
I feel good about them, but every now and again, they'll smell.

Speaker 52 I fucking open them up out of the package, and they fucking smell like mildew or something.

Speaker 132 And I just think, God, I'm going to jump off of the building tonight.

Speaker 80 Wow.

Speaker 132 This is a sign.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 53 And what's explain to the audience what the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug is.

Speaker 86 Do they come?

Speaker 86 Do they perhaps come with a little seasoning packet in the box or something?

Speaker 53 Like the ramen noodles do?

Speaker 94 What's the difference between a regular rug and an oriental rug?

Speaker 88 you're you're the master of it you've bought 15 of them according to you so it should be a pretty easy question is it the design is it do they come with tony that's a great question i don't know i don't know

Speaker 132 wow just a look thing it's a touch thing I get them shipped to my door. Oh, and by the way, just recently, this is a little thing I want to get off my chest.

Speaker 132 Whoever the piece of shit who's working at FedEx who refuses to walk up my steps, you have to walk up to get to my fucking apartment. You're a dumbass.

Speaker 132 Literally today I was getting something delivered to the apartment and the person just takes a picture from the outside. Somebody fucking with me.
That's what I've been getting real paranoid, Tony.

Speaker 132 I'm thinking, oh, they see my name on here.

Speaker 57 They heard about the horrible sud.

Speaker 14 Oh, they refused to take my packages up to my place.

Speaker 132 I swear to God, that's where I'm at right now.

Speaker 36 Have you thought about getting another escalator?

Speaker 184 No.

Speaker 161 No.

Speaker 184 No. Wow.

Speaker 132 People get on fights on them.

Speaker 107 Oh, they do? Yeah.

Speaker 55 That's a thing?

Speaker 52 Yes. Adam Ray.
You said

Speaker 52 you have 15 Oriental rugs.

Speaker 132 Yes, but

Speaker 132 I'm figuring it out. I don't think I'm going to ultimately end up with 15.

Speaker 52 Do they pad tie the room together or does it...

Speaker 84 Okay.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 52 Not everything's going to crush tonight.

Speaker 52 Did you buy them for a specific reason or was it just out of boredom? Like a boredom purchase?

Speaker 184 Oh, it's just some, it's a hardwood.

Speaker 132 I'm working with hardwood floors

Speaker 132 and I have to,

Speaker 139 I'm getting rugs.

Speaker 102 Yeah. It's been fun.

Speaker 132 I spend hours just looking at the pictures and reading different stuff. And then I look back at the pictures and then I look at the dimensions and then I go measure stuff for three hours.

Speaker 132 Then it seems very inefficient, but it's kind of fun.

Speaker 158 Wow.

Speaker 115 Amazing, William.

Speaker 63 Is there anything else you want to say to these people before we?

Speaker 132 Yeah, it's been real weird recently, Tony. It's a lot of measuring.
I'm not even getting.

Speaker 132 What are you measuring?

Speaker 151 Do you have a you have a tape measure?

Speaker 140 Yes. And you use

Speaker 55 you have a little tiny one.

Speaker 53 Yeah, it's a little small one.

Speaker 132 So I have to make little marks on the floor when I'm doing like 15 feet. I have to make like 15 different marks.
It's like a foot long.

Speaker 117 Wow.

Speaker 132 And that's stupid kind of.

Speaker 65 Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 58 So like making a carpet out of all the rugs?

Speaker 132 Yeah, making one big carpet and I'm just putting them all on top of each other.

Speaker 132 You'll love it. Tony, you'll come see it.

Speaker 42 I can't wait to see your compilation of oriental rugs uh is there anything else you're passionate about this week are rugs okay with being called oriental or

Speaker 89 is that cool

Speaker 184 yeah yeah that's what they are oriental rugs yeah yeah just checking

Speaker 132 I don't know. Now I'm thinking maybe some of the people at that show a couple of weeks ago, they would hear me say Oriental rugs and they wouldn't even like that.

Speaker 132 It's like I'd be nothing, I mean nothing by it.

Speaker 132 And it's and then it's all gonna be, oh, he's saying oriental.

Speaker 58 And

Speaker 37 I think you're all right.

Speaker 169 I don't know what my mom sees in him.

Speaker 42 Like, really, like, I just

Speaker 5 don't understand.

Speaker 48 Like, I ask her all the time, like, mom, what are you doing?

Speaker 125 Okay, thank you, Tony. You're an idiot.

Speaker 11 Make some notes with the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 119 We did it.

Speaker 12 That's another episode.

Speaker 175 Thank you to Blue Chew and quote.

Speaker 154 Adam Ray's new special or new theater tour, Who Is Me?

Speaker 88 is happening.

Speaker 94 Tickets are on sale at AdamRaycomedy.com.

Speaker 64 The final Dr.

Speaker 165 Phil

Speaker 118 live from the one

Speaker 118 and only,

Speaker 150 what is it?

Speaker 96 The fucking Wiltern Theater.

Speaker 133 That's right. December 16th.

Speaker 55 That's the final Dr.

Speaker 31 Phil show.

Speaker 50 I mean, it is an absolute blowout.

Speaker 54 I would be able to make it there, but it's on a fucking Monday.

Speaker 59 On a Tuesday.

Speaker 55 But I have the Monday thing.

Speaker 65 It's crazy.

Speaker 45 Ian Edwards' new special untitled is out now.

Speaker 152 Check out Ian Edwards Stand Up on YouTube.

Speaker 2 That's Ian Edwards Stand Up.

Speaker 41 One more time for the best standby in the land, Red Band.

Speaker 6 Check out SunsetStripATX.com secret show every Thursday. We love you guys.

Speaker 20 Your last chance to get tickets for

Speaker 31 the one and only Moody Center, New Year's Eve.

Speaker 75 All you people that say I try to get tickets, it's your only chance.

Speaker 94 New Year's Eve, live from the Moody Center.

Speaker 47 It's going to be a hell of a blowout.

Speaker 36 Way to end 2025.

Speaker 43 Live audience, thank you so much.

Speaker 90 God bless you.

Speaker 11 And God bless the United States of America.

Speaker 36 Thank you. Good night, everybody.

Speaker 185 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 185 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.