#749 - SLY STALLONE (KYLE DUNNIGAN) + TONY YAYO

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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Get tickets now. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what?

Every single week, I book this goddamn show myself, and I cannot believe that I was able to secure these two guests tonight.

I mean, you know, sometimes we go a little off the rails with exactly who we have. Sometimes it's, you know, two of the biggest comedians on Netflix.

Sometimes it's two of the biggest comedians on this and the dad and the blah, blah, blah, blah. Tonight is very special.
Tonight is one of the greatest actors of all time

with one of the greatest rappers of all time.

Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you tonight's guests, Sylvester Stallone and Tony Yeo.

Yeah.

Oh my God. Make some fucking noise.

All right.

Tony Yeo, welcome. Sylvester Stallone.

Wow. This is a first.

How you doing?

Great to be here. Sylvester Stallone, welcome.
Yeah. My Asian, you know, my Asian Tony says, hey, you want to do Kill Tony, you know?

And I was like, what's that? And then he told me, you get a lot of views, so I said, you know what? Scallone's going to do it.

Sylvester Stallone is here.

How about a hand for the great Tony Yeo is here, ladies and gentlemen?

The real report coming out just after New Year's Eve.

Tony Yeo, I just. Eating a lot of barbecue.
Make some noise for that barbecue, home. Hell yeah.

I like that name yeo because it's got a yo in it yeah

yeah

yay in the beginning like you like yours

Stallone, you the man, bro. You the man.
Stallone and yeo are here. You guys are both first-time guests, so let me tell you how it works.

Over 300 innocent souls, hopeful, hopeful motherfuckers have signed up for tonight's show. They are loaded up in a bar next door, hoping to get pulled out of this bucket.

If they are, they get get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time, uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm going to let this Filipina masseuse pick the first name of the night. Let's see if we have a happy ending here from this.

Oh my goodness. And the first name has been pulled while we go wrangle that person.

We're going to have one of our elite golden ticket winners start the show with a minute of uninterrupted stand-up comedy.

He was discovered here on Kill Tony, given a golden ticket immediately on an episode with a record, I think, 22 bucket pulls. We could not find anyone funny.

One night at Vulcan Gas Company about three or four years ago, and we just kept pulling and pulling and pulling in a very fast turbo round. Finally, we found this man with no voice.

After two appearances, Howie Mandel discovered him on this show, rushed him onto America's Got Talent, got second place because they sabotaged his final appearance.

And now he is here for us, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for the golden ticket winner, the great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a real circus, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is, the great and powerful Aaron Belial moving the mic stand and grabbing his phone and any second now the show will begin.
Here it comes and here

we go

in three,

two, one.

To get the American experience, I went out shooting the other day. I shot a 308 in the clay and a handgun.
What kind of idiot would give me a rifle? That's just irresponsible.

They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun.
They all took like three steps back.

They're like, this is America, so we are going to let him shoot. But also, this very special boy is definitely going to shoot one of us.

Luckily, I had my handicap pass, so I just shot everything.

So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake. I have a big secret.
It was me.

And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me. And they were like, no, you're not.
Stop playing.

Bunch of ableist assholes.

People always underestimate me. I could totally drown a dude in a lake.
I almost drown every time I go into a lake.

The great Aaron Belial has started things off for us tonight.

I believe that.

I believe everything you said. Can you swim? Do you know how to swim?

Perfect. So you and Tony Yeo have the same swimming style.

Still don't know how to swim yet.

How about you, Sly Stallone? What's your swimming skills like? You guys can't just punch the water to get up to the top of it and then push that on. Come on.
Let's go.

Aaron Belial, how's things been going for you? You've been out on the road. You worked with Steve-O took you all over the place as of though.

I had about 23 shows last month all sold out. Wow.
Get a Corvette that I can't drive and get the license plate. I drool.
Look at that.

I love it when you say something, but the crowd applauds because you don't know if they're going to applaud or not. And then they applaud over whatever the rest of what you just said was.

You want to hit that. Do you have the same button loaded up again? Here, just hit it again.
I need a moment to type a response. Oh, shit.

Alright.

That was a good time to say that this episode is brought to you by Talkspace.

Oh.

Is that from you?

Oh, that's copyrighted music. Here, pause that.

Oh, it's not? Wow, you knew it's... You checked and it's fair use?

Wow, look at that. Good job, Aaron.

If this gets us a strike on YouTube, I'm gonna break your good arm. I swear to God.

I swear to God.

It's a fucking $40,000 mistake, if you fucking...

Is that really coming from your phone? Alright, hit pause. That's psychotic.

We get the joke after like 10 seconds.

Alright, what else is going on, Aaron?

It's a hell of a gold chain. I gotta tell you, I don't know what fucking claw machine you got it out of, but

probably your own.

Because the left arm is a claw machine, ladies and gentlemen.

If you put a quarter inside of him. A guy got arrested at my show this weekend.
A guy got arrested at your show? Oh, my goodness.

Uh-oh. Oh, he's got something.
He starts making that noise.

You know something's coming. Here we go.
He tried to fight me.

Really?

Wow. How did that go?

Not well.

Is this one of those?

Oh.

Okay, and somehow you came out of the fight the most fucked up.

Aaron, anything else crazy going on before we get to this crazy bucket of ours where we found you?

He's gonna plug a bunch of shit right now.

Tickets are available at AaronBelayal.com.

I have 26 shows that I need to sell out this month. I need enough money to be able to buy six more gold chains.

Christmas is right around the corner.

I need a Rolex. Okay, yeah.

You got a lot more shows to do. He's like Stephen Walking.

Is that a good singer?

That's a very good one, Stallone.

Aaron Belial, you are the young legend. We love you here.
You're always a fucking great way to start the show.

And now it has begun.

We go to the bucket, bucket ladies and gentlemen this is where we give people that some of them we've never seen before some of them have been on before and done good some of them been on before and done bad anything can happen the filipina princess in the front selected our first bucket pull tonight and so

We're gonna meet them all together and then interview this person. The whole thing's improvised.
You guys get it.

Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Lingo Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.
Here comes Lingo.

Y'all, shut the hell up. I got one minute.
All right.

I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction.
He was like, but what do you mean? I said, hey, man, I love fat bitches.

He's like, but what the fuck you talking about? I said, hey, man, chill. Better go get you one.
Because why sleep on a big bitch? When you can sleep on a big bitch?

I like them queen size.

Nigga, I had one. She was about 350 pounds.
The bitch was built like a linebacker. I swear to God.
I love it because she got straight to the point.

Nigga, one day she was fucking up a whole bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. She was just, ash, ash, ash.

She said, after I finished this bucket of Popeye's fried chicken, I'm going to suck your dick, nigga. I said, oh, shit.

Greasy head.

Shit was magnificent.

Nigga, she went down, she was sucking a thing so good. I started singing a theme song on that bitch.
I said, ooh, they got a lot of that chicken from Popeyes.

I mean but the big bitch got carried away she thought my dick was a drumstick she bit it for real I said what the fuck

shit sucking dick to the gristle

skinny bitch can never hey that's all I got

I believe every single word of what you're you said up here tonight. I believe that was honest material that you truly, I think you're talking about your real life.

I think you do be loving them fat bitches.

Did she share any of the chicken with you? Were you able to resist the bucket of Popeye's chicken? Hey, we talking fried chicken. Hell yeah, you got to share that.
You're damn right.

You got to share that. Absolutely.
Lingo, what's the biggest girl you've ever been with? She, I ain't even gonna lie. She about

four about 450. Oh, my God.
450. 450, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, yes. I was in there.
Oh, my God. Now, explain to some of these people.
There's some like tech nerds here. There's some fucking boring white people that have never been with a faux fittie before.

Can you explain to them some of the details and some of the fun facts about an adventure? I'm going to talk to you because, brother, you look curious. Yep.
Yeah.

I'm trying to tell you. You get a big one.
It's more cushion for the pushing.

All right. You get a little skinny one.
It's stabbing while you're clapping. It's bullshit.
Stabbing while they clapping. Take notes on that.
Oh, yeah, your phone locked up, fucking.

Phone locked up. I love it.
I love it. So where do you tend to find some of these girls at Lingo? Are you on the dating apps or are you out on the streets? Man, you know, you can find them anywhere.

You know what I'm saying? You can go out to churches, chicken. You can go out there.

They out there. They in the streets.
Yeah.

It's just different chicken places, it seems. Different chicken places.
Is there specialty? Is there an app for that? Is there an app where you could just find chicken places? They need to be one.

They need a specialized one. You know what? That's a good idea.
I might fucking work. Yep, yep.

Yep, yep. I love it.
Lingo, how long you been doing stand-up comedy?

Going on about three years. Going about three? Three years.
Where at? I'm from Orlando. I was okay.
I shouldn't have fucking gone with my gut there and guessed.

You're from Orlando. Do you live here now, or are you still in Orlando? No, I live here, man.
I stay East Fifth. Nice, nice.
I love it. East Fifth.
Represent.

Fun fact: between

East Fifth and East Fourth is Faux Fiti.

Lingo, what do you do for a living?

Well, I can't tell you that. Really? I can't tell you that.
Nigga, I just got the job.

Okay. I swear to God.
Can you just tell us the field that you work in?

What kind of field is it? So it's really complicated.

I work at the opposite of Microsoft.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.

You know, hey, man, fuck it, man. I showed up late the other day.
I work at Apple, nigga. I work at Apple.
Okay. You know what I'm saying? And I ain't going to lie.

I don't even know why they hide my black ass. I really, I don't know shit about tech, phones, none of that.
Nigga, they be the we need you to push this Apple. Care, nigga, I don't care, nigga.

I'm going to push it.

So you actually work in like the Apple store? Yeah, I be selling shit. At the mall? Yeah, Barton Creek.
Okay. Yeah, very cool.

I've been there a couple times, almost absolutely lost my fucking mind in that place

Hey, hey, I ain't gonna lie like so like I swear to God like the other day like a group of niggas they came in trying to steal some shit. I was like, hey, man, what the fuck? I had to stop it.

So what the fuck y'all doing, man? They can do this shit on my lunch break. What the fuck wrong with y'all?

I'm saying, just I love it. Yeah.

I love it.

Amazing. So in your three years of stand-up comedy, when did you move to Austin exactly?

I moved September. Yeah, I moved September.
I'm new as hell out here. Yeah.
What have you noticed? What's the difference between Austin and Orlando? The fucking homeless people.

I wish somebody would have warned me about these niggas because, like,

out here, they on mega meth.

Like, and they creative. Like, back in Orlando, if you got a homeless person, you tell them, like, but I ain't giving you a dollar, they just go on about their fucking way.

Here, bro, I swear to God, I told one, I said, hey, man, like, you know what, matter of fact, he came up to me like DMX. I swear to he signed a DMX.
He's like, hey, oh, man, you got a dollar?

I I was like, what the fuck?

I said, here you go. Gave him a dollar.
He's like, you got money?

What the fuck? That ain't how this goes.

Nigga was robbing me. He was.

You got robbed by a homeless guy. Lingo, other than, hell yeah.

Other than stand-up comedy, do you have any special skills or talents?

You don't seem like the kind of guy that's really good at something that would surprise you. You know, A, I'm glad you asked that shit, man.

I feel like I'm decent at freestyling, man. Oh, no way, really?

Well, I mean, win in Rome. I mean, we have the great Tony Yeo here.
Hey, yes, sir, man. Yes, sir.
You didn't

recognize him? I was so locked in. I love it.
But you know, I appreciate that, man. I'm a highlighting.
I love it. Then, this is this is Sylvester Stallone.

This is the great actor, Sylvester Stallone. Yo, yes, sir.

Good job. Good job, nigga.
Good job.

All right. Well, you got a drummer right behind you.
Give him a nice little light beat, not too

because I want to be able to hear him. All right, this is how we're going to do this.
This is how we're going to do this. Hey, all right, brother.
We got to stay connected. All right, cool.

And then we're going to do a little

American Idol after that. We're going to talk, check in with our celebrity judges, the great rapper, producer, Tony Yeo.
All right, man. You know what, Tony?

You're going to be the judge of this shit, all right? That's what I just said. I don't know what the fuck about happening.

All right, this is how we're going to.

So listen to me. Every time, you know what? I got another idea, too.
Oh, my bad,

Sylvester Stallone give his opinion when I'm done.

You go ahead, what were you gonna say? Oh, no, I was just about to coordinate the shit. I was already doing that for you.
What kind of beat do you want?

What kind of beat do you want?

Really, I just want because I know like some of y'all don't be understanding what the fuck I'm saying.

We understand every time, every time I do this shit, when I do this, when I this, like, look, like this, just want you to play the fucking beat, man.

Hey, listen.

Play the beat, man. Play the beat.
There we go. Play the beat.

Uh, uh,

uh,

uh, check me, check me, check me, uh, uh, I studied that game like an analyst.

I'm a decimator, Pan. I don't like this beat,

I don't like this beat, I don't like this beat. Hold up, hold up, no, hold up, no, hold up, hold up, no, no,

no, no, all right,

no, hold up, hold up,

hey, now, yo, watch me. All right,

watch me, watch me, watch me. Okay, I'm at the cook.
Let me cook. Okay, Tony, the band is looking at him like, what the fuck is going on? That beat was crazy.
That beat was. That beat was great.

You want to run it back? Let's run it back. Let's run it back.
Fuck it. Let's run it back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Uh.

Play the game like an analyst.

Yeah, I study the game like an analyst.

Watch me, I'm bout to decimate the panelists. Red band, you fat as hell, you need to hit your dimp your spat band.
You get no coochie, I got hoochies pumping handstands. What?

Oh,

Tony Hencliffe. I know you wrestle,

but you're still a bitch. Bitch, a three piece.
Purge your gang and you catch balls in your mouth. No assist.
Your body size, and you sweeter in a heat clip.

It's as real as it fucking gets.

What? Uh, you fucking really sink

like a rolling rink. Uh, whoever smelt it, fucking dealt it.
You're up here sucking while wearing black velvet.

Get out of here.

Here's the big joke book. There you go.

Get the fuck out of here.

You ain't getting me. This is my universe.
You did good, buddy. Great stuff.
There he goes.

Lingo Smith.

Don't you come at me with your freestyles. Oh my god.

Oh

my god. There she is.

Don't you for try to freestyle at me on my own show. We all have our own secret special skills and talents.

Ah,

that's right. I rhyme, smelt it, and dealt it with velvet, ladies and gentlemen.
Not easy to do.

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All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Jason Robo, everybody.

Here we go.

So we've got an obesity epidemic. Or as I like to say, more baby fat than a dumpster at an abortion clinic.
clinic.

At least that joke made to its infancy.

It's no surprise as far as eating health is concerned. They've literally tossed the salad.

Come on, that joke eats ass.

Heart disease is number one cause of death. Fun fact, it causes erectile dysfunction.
I think that's your body telling you it's not fucking around.

Your arteries are stiff.

Diabetes is another major health issue, which also causes blindness. I thought it was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off.

All right, that one can be a stumper.

Yeah, they don't want us healthy to medical mafia. If you were healthy, then they couldn't make a cut off of you.

Then they want your change when you go to the store to cure shit like Alzheimer's.

You think, I mean, the fucking nursing homes are the main reason why people go to the nursing homes because of Alzheimer's. You think they want to cure that shit?

Forget about it.

That's was it. All right, Jason Robo, ladies and gentlemen.
This is your first time on the show, right, Jason? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome.
Are you as homeless as you look?

No, I just went to Ecuador. You went to what? Ecuador.
Ecuador. Okay, and you came back like this.

Ayahuasca. Sylvester Stallone, what do you think?

Does the dog know it's homeless?

It's a tiny house on wheels, a little different. A little higher higher class.
Is it an RV? No, it's an ATV trailer I converted. ATV trailer.
Okay. And it's connected to like a truck or something?

Yeah, I got a Toyota pickup. Okay, cool.

I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 13 years.
I did activism in college, tried to start a revolution, ate shit, and all the people that voted for me got fucked over.

You do look like the kind of guy that tries to start a revolution.

What was the revolution that you tried to start exactly? Fighting against the war on drugs.

Wait, you're against the war on drugs?

You look like the front man of the drugs.

Were you fighting for the drug side? Which side were you on?

I was against, like, they make cannabis legal using racism against Mexicans, basically. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Let's separate the words a little bit. You're talking in cursive right now.

Okay, so what? It's all right.

Nice and enunciated. 13 13 years of stand-up.
I need to be able to understand you here. So what?

What about cannabis and Mexicans and racists? Oh,

they said the super strength, stony, bloodthirsty Mexicans are raped their way across America or some crazy shit. Kind of like the killer beast thing that didn't happen.

Oh, this is amazing. Okay.

That last comedian that just walked off, did you ask him for money recently and then ask him for more money right afterwards? I'm just kidding. Okay, so

you're saying that who was was racist? Who, the government? The government and the media, basically, they just want us to all hate each other.

So I like to say they just slick the rub shit in our third eye and make it more of a third eye. Okay.

All right.

Okay.

What do you, where do you, what do you do? Like, what does a day look like for you? Like, I know it's not work. I'm guessing you don't have an actual job, right?

After I graduated, I worked in the canvas industry and met growers up in Humboldt in Northern California. And yeah, basically that industry has gone down the toilet.
So I started doing body work.

So I stacked a bunch of wellness certificates and fitness and nutrition and stuff. And yeah, so I help people.
I do like some pretty intense body work. What kind of body work?

What does that mean to you exactly?

It's like heavy-duty reflexology. So I use like sharks' teeth and like crystals to poke people's toes and fingers.
It's hardcore.

Wow.

What do you do with the shark's teeth? Let's go one by one here. What exactly do you do with the shark's teeth?

There's some people out here that look like they could use some real reflexology help, whatever. Well, I mean, shoes basically like make our feet like this.
Imagine if your hands were like that.

It would suck, you know what I'm saying? So, I mean, a lot of people worried about the juice, but I'm worried about the shoes.

Wow.

You have some of the most...

hippie-dippy nursery rhymes I've ever heard in my life. But I bet you freestyle better than the last guy, believe it or not.

So how long have you had this dog for?

He's just turned 14. I had him when he was a few months old.
Oh, that's adorable. What's the dog's name? Yarnby.
He's been in the news a couple times, too. He rides in a backpack on a motorcycle.

He wears goggles. Oh, nice.
Okay.

All right. 51st, it's good they put the helmet on the dog on a motorcycle.

Amazing. So, like, what's how exactly do you make money now? I go to festivals.
So, I've I've been traveling all year. I moved here in March.

And yeah, basically just been around for about a month, month and a half. I probably tried to get on the show a few dozen times.

Actually, when I was taking a break from Trimming Weed, I wrote your Wikipedia years ago. You wrote my Wikipedia? Yeah.
Wow. I've always wondered who the fuck that is.
You can look it up.

Yeah, it says strictly rebel. Did it have a bunch of rhymes in it? Yeah.

No, I just heard you on Rogan, and I appreciated what you were doing. And you say you used to be vegan, and I'm vegan.
And I'm like, yeah, like you're kind of brother, whatever.

You know, I just figured I'd burn some time.

Yeah, I became a lot happier and more successful when I started eating meat. Just to let you know.
It's 13 years. I'm doing good.
I don't think I was ever liking it. Just like that.
No.

No, I don't think so. Ayahuasca, man.

I don't think so.

What is the drug of choice nowadays, Jason Robo?

I do this thing called Rappae or Hoppe. Has anybody heard of it? Nope.

Yeah.

It's like a grounding thing. You put medicinal tobacco mixed with different medicinal herbs and you blow it up your nose instead of snorting it.
Yeah. Okay.
It's pretty intense.

You blow it up your nose. Yeah, there's different plants they mix into it.
Yeah. Okay.
How often do you do that daily? I do it like before and after clients to clear my energy. And yeah.

It's wild.

You're like a real guy, huh? This isn't a character or anything. This is you.
This is what I do. Okay, let me ask you this.
What do you think is the most hippie-ish?

Like, you know know what you are like the crystals and the and you're wearing a you're wearing a like

yeah sure whatever yeah that's the nicest way of putting it yeah all these things so I'm gonna ask you this what do you think is the most hippy dippy thing that you've ever done

like I mean what is that extreme and you know what I'm talking about

because you know I saw you smiling bucket wait shit in a bucket no come on that's I would expect that of you I want you to surprise me with this answer I I want to hear the extreme thing where you're like, God, this is crazy for even me.

I'll let you think about that one while I ask you the opposite question.

What do you think is the most, say, conservative or, you know, venture to say, even almost Republican-esque

thing that you've ever done before, where you're like, God, this is so against my character, but I'm going to do it anyway.

I don't know, maybe call a cops or some guy, attack me with a knife. Okay, call the cops on somebody while being attacked with a knife.
This is how these people think, by the way.

Like, oh, I don't really want to do it. This is so conservative, but I guess I'll do it since I'm being stabbed right now.

This is revolutionary, man.

I usually have a knife, too, but yeah. You have a knife? Not with me.
Not with you. But yeah.
Where did this happen? Where did the attack with the knife happen? It was in Northern California.

I actually was riding my bike to a house at a grow scene. To the what? It's an indoor grow.
Grossine, that's what we call it. There was a guy last week who talked about being a grower, yeah.
Okay.

Okay, let's go back one more time. Let's see if you thought of anything.
The most hippie-ish thing you've ever done, because you are an extreme character, I have to tell you.

We've never really had anything quite like you on here. Like, your dog is so at peace, it's asleep right now.

It's like you have him on the same tranquilizers the Longhorns give Bevo before a big football game. You ever seen this mascot? I fucking love it.
And it all makes sense, by the way.

It all makes sense. Nothing better for the Texas mascot than a

fully grown bull on tranquilizers just drooling on itself. Okay, I've given you enough time to think about it.
I think the crystals on the toes is like...

All right. If you don't have an answer, Red Band has something obnoxious about that.
$50 an hour to do it. Here you go.
Red Ban. Is there a crystal that like really pisses you off?

Like, you don't want anything to do with it?

I don't know. There it is.

They're right on cue, everybody. And definite unanswerable question.
I got another diabetes joke about the blindness thing.

And basically the, you know, processed sugar causes your eyeballs to cloud because of it. So basically your vision isn't crystal clear.

Probably that. That's what I thought you were going to say.

There you go.

All right, Jason.

Pretty, pretty interesting character.

So you've been doing stand-up, did you say 13 years? Yeah, I got 25,000 YouTube subs. I got some mixes on there.
My George Carlin mix has 6 million plus views, yeah. What's your George?

It's a mix of what? His best material. He said he found his true voice after 92, so I use all that, and I like audio level it all.

I think you're going to have your best material after 92 as well. The age of 92, perhaps.

Fun times today, Jason. Very fun interview.
You definitely are an original character. There's a medium-sized joke book.
Jason Robo, ladies ladies and gentlemen.

All right. Well, I have a special treat for all of you, ladies and gentlemen.

One of our elite regulars of all time

is here for you. He is

a reigning, defending Kill Tony Hall of Fame member that is here to grace us with his presence.

I present to you one of the greatest to ever do it here on Kill Tony with hundreds and hundreds of appearances. This is the long-awaited return of David Lucas, everybody.

Yeah.

BLM said there's no such thing as black-on-black crime. Well, what I want to know is, who was that nigga who broke into my house last night?

He wasn't white.

Trump said that Tylenol is making kids retarded. I do believe him.

Because the last few bitches I had sex with all had retarded kids.

They never let you know their kids is retarded. They just put them in the back of the house.
You got to hear that nigga.

I was in the middle of having sex with this one girl. And next thing I know, her fucking door busts down.
And in comes 6, 6, 11 years old, butt-ass naked in dinosaur slippers

and I'm like hey bitch what the fuck is that

she's like that's my autistic son I'm like I almost shot this nigga bitch I didn't

I didn't know you lived with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre

She was like let me put him back to sleep he was having a bad dream I said bitch I'm having a bad dream

I just seen a retarded nigga's dick. How you think I feel?

She was like, we can finish fucking. I'm like, I'm good.
I don't want no more of that retarded producing pussy you got.

My dick is inside of itself.

But I'd rather fuck a bitch with a handicapped kid than a retarded kid because, like, at least if she got a handicapped kid, she probably drives a van. And I like space.

And I'd sit in the front seat and recline my seat on that nigga's legs.

I'd be like, shut up complaining, nigga. You can't feel them legs anyway.

All right, that's why I talk.

Hell yeah. David Lucas showing us how it's dumped.
He's done it again. Oh, yeah.
Squeeze that jacket together. Can you zip that thing up?

Tony Yay-yo ain't been this close to a gay nigga since he partied with Diddy. Oh my God.

Oh.

Not me.

Not me.

I ain't never been to sleep with you before.

What you did, nigga.

Sly Stallone, have you ever been to a Diddy party? Oh, yeah.

Come on.

I went to all of them at this.

That nigga looked like when SpongeBob had them muscles.

Don't come at Stallone, man. Hell yeah.
Don't mess you up. That nigga teach retarded power clean.
Nigga, get some.

Yeah.

Yeah. Jeep just orbits around you.

This guy coming out the Stallone. Come on.

I'm a legend, sir. I don't even know who this nigga is with this wig on, bro.

It's Sly Stallone. What are you talking about? It's the actual Sly Stallone.

This is like your fight. This is like a different fight,

Stallone. It's like Blubber Lang.
Yeah.

It's like Showtime at the Apollo Creed.

That nigga got Ellen's face with Joe Rogan's midsection.

Ellen Rogan body ass nigga. Come on, man.
That's not funny. I got a little Zepic face.
Yeah. Better lose some weight.
Hell yeah. Tony Yay.
Yo, what's up? That nigga look like a poisonous snake.

He stuck his tongue out before he walked out here to check the temperature in the room.

It's cool. All the thing about us that Austin barbecue when I see you, motherfucker.

Playing me.

Fuck kind of sweats are those? Slim fit, nigga, what you got on?

Shut off me, man. When you take that hat off, your back scales come with it, nigga.
Man, stop this.

You look like a retired racehorse, nigga.

Got that one?

What size is that shirt, though, buddy? What is that? A 5x? 6x?

You look like Scooby-Doo, Daddy, nigga.

See, Roke, you got that one.

Yaba Daba Doo!

I believe in you,

David Lucas has arrived. All the other kids with the pumped up kicks.

I love it, David. I don't called you gay 10,000 times, Tony.
I don't know what else to call you except the f.

I know. Okay, very good.

I'm joking, brother.

Well, I know you're joking, but every time you say that word, we. Oh, cut it out, Red Band.
My bad. We're going to cut it out.
We're going to cut it out. You're a homosexual.

That you love to use that word, bro. Okay.
You can't say homosexual? What the f? Yes, you can. Oh, yeah.
All right.

It's waiting for you to

take a breath. Lord knows you need it.

That is an incredible haircut that you have.

What exactly do you ask the barber for when you go in there?

The fucking Starlink antenna?

Does your head get its own Wi-Fi? I asked for the Whoopi Goldberg, nigga. That is.

That is crazy. From Sister Act, huh?

That thing is hanging on by a thread back there. Look at that.
Oh, my God.

You are something else. So, David, what's been going on in life? Man, touring on the killers of Kill Tony tour.
You know what I'm saying, bro? Working on a lot of stuff.

2026 is looking real exciting, dog. You know what I'm saying? Yep.
Yes, you already know.

Kill Tony, bro. They don't even know how big it's about to be.
2026 is what David sees when he stands on a scale.

Ow,

2026 is how many you up texts you you got in your phone.

Oh, what? You up, like a nigga about to come through.

Yeah.

You up, Tony?

I got the eggs. I know you got the meat.
That's what the trainer at your gym texts you.

And you're like, yep, I'm up. Cholesterol's up.
Blood pressure's up. Weight's up.

Everything's up.

I love it, David. Well, you're one of the best fucking regulars in the show's history.
You did it again. So much fun, always.

Comes in like a wrecking ball. And that's just the way he's shaped.

The great David Lucas. Look, his hair waves goodbye.

I think it gave me the middle finger there at the end. This podcast is brought to you by 420.com.
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All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool is Ben Dalky.
Ben Dalky, everyone, here we go.

I think I have a bad handshake. So I did some research.
And apparently, Trump and Bill Clinton are the world's top handshakers.

I read that Bill Clinton's handshake is known for being both warm and personal,

which is definitely interesting for a guy who rapes.

Whereas Trump's handshake is more of a dominant power move, a handshake that makes people go, oh yeah, this guy rapes.

And I've been told my handshake is both smooth and pliable, a handshake that makes everybody go, oh yeah, this guy's going to get raped.

for some reason, people think I rape,

but I'm not strong enough to rape with force. I can only rape with drugs.

I'm skinny, and I have skinny arms, but I read that your legs are about twice as strong as your arms, so maybe I should try raping with my legs instead.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I feel like we're all going to

get raped right now.

I mean, that is a rape-heavy set, dude.

And you do. You have that energy.

Have you been on this show before? One time, yeah. Okay, I couldn't tell if I've seen you here or just in my nightmares.

Ben, remind us, how long you've been on stand-up comedy? Like two and a half years. Two and a half years.
And how old are you?

22. 22.
Okay, so you started young.

How's it going for you? Pretty good. Yeah.
Yeah.

I don't know, not that good. Okay, perfect.
Perfect. What do you do for a living? How do you make money?

Nothing right now. How do you survive?

I have a bit of money from like military pensions.

Apple Store will hire anyone.

How much money do you have saved up? I'm always intrigued by how people survive. Like 30,000.
30,000? Okay, good. And you were in the military? No, it's from my grandparents.

Whatever.

Shut the fuck up.

You inherited money from your dead grandparents. Yeah.
Okay, got it. So you got 30 grand.
What's your living situation like?

Live in an apartment. By yourself? Yeah, yeah.
Oh, wow. One bedroom? Yeah.
Okay. Very good.
That's amazing. So how do you spend most of your time, Ben, when you're not doing stand-up at night?

What else? else?

You seem like the kind of guy that likes to take a pair of binoculars, go to the playground.

What do you do, Ben?

Play a lot of games.

Yeah. What kind of games?

You ever play Death Stranding? I've never played anything that you've played,

without a doubt. But

I guess the answer is, what is it, Death what? Stranding. And that's a video game?

Okay.

Is that just online? No, it's online. The TV screens, yes.
No, it's a very long game, though. It's a very slow game that you're playing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not done with it yet. This is our senior video game correspondent,

the Duke of Do Nothing over here.

So, Ben, what do you think is the most interesting thing about your entire life? You're 22 years old.

There must be some fun fact about you, something that happened to you before, you're a family trauma story or something interesting about you.

I did recently start getting pussy. Oh

my god, there you go.

He got, wait, nope.

He's getting pussy, ladies and gentlemen.

And and and what uh so what is this transition like for you? You're getting pussy.

Did they tell you Tony, do you see his smile?

Do you see his when you say getting pussy? Smile again?

So you're transitioning. You're getting a pussy is what you're saying.
Is that right?

That's what everyone thinks. Right, exactly.
Okay, so how did you start getting pussy, Ben? Take us through this, because if you can get pussy, this is proof that anybody can get pussy.

Take us through it, Ben. Honestly, it was completely an accident.
Yeah, perfect.

Unlike the rapings that you're used to, which are very purposeful rapings. So let's talk about the accidental pussy.

Yeah, no, I started banging an open micer.

How does that happen? Take us through it. So you perform.
She comes up to you and goes, I think you're really funny. I hope you don't rape me.
No,

she said that she wanted to bully me. And then

I was like, that doesn't sound fun. And then I felt gay for not letting her bully me.

Okay, and then what happened? Exactly what happened. Let her bully me.
Right, but what does that mean? Her bullying you, what is that, what did she say about you?

Do what is bullying to her?

She said I looked like a school shooter. Uh-huh.
Well, we all thought that, but like, there must be layers to it, right? Was there more? Well, I mean, for some reason, she's attracted to that. Uh-huh.

And then what? You took her back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened?

Like,

botched having sex.

Let's talk about it. How did you botch having sex?

Here we go. We're getting there, Ben.
One step at a time. Just pre

every time you say something, just pretend like I go, and then what happened after that? And then it's going to be a good interview.

When I go like this, just know that means, and then what happened? Okay, go ahead. No, I'm pretty sure I have erectile dysfunction.

Yeah, so my dick didn't get hard.

What was she doing? Was she trying to was she using her hand, her mouth? How do you know you couldn't get hard?

You were there. I know.
This is your story. I know.
Are you writing it right now? No. Okay, so like you were there, and then what happens? You guys start making out? Yeah, yeah.

And then what happened?

Nothing after that, pretty pretty much. It was pretty bad.
I mean, not really, but like.

Did you take, go ahead, slice the level. No, I'm just like, that's not getting pussy.

I let him know.

She literally just bullied you and then left afterwards.

I get it.

The woman's vagina is a scary place, you know. And every like three or four weeks, they get their pyramid, and it's a total mess.
So I get it. Sometimes Callone gets a dysfunction, too.

The great Sylvester Stallone. Plugging Kyle Dunagan.com on this appearance.
Must be a fan of Kyle Dunnegan's. We've seen this before.
Elon Musk plugged Kyle Dunne.

Bill Maher, the great Bill Maher, plugged Kyle Dunnegan. A lot of these big stars come on here, and their careers are so good that they plug Kyle Dunnegan.
How cool is that?

Who's on a sold-out tour right now all around the country? Okay, so did you try to hook up with this girl again after this one experience? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So?

Eventually, I was able to fuck her, yeah. How were you able to fuck her? I love it.
Sure. Get it out of your systems.

All right, the sounding lights, the lighting guy, Kino's going crazy, setting off the lights. How did you find it within yourself? What tricks did you use? What did you do to make it work?

Lots of self-talk, I think.

Like what? What were you saying to yourself? Positive affirmation. Like what? You are enough.

There you go.

You got there.

Was there anything else you were telling yourself? You are enough. She's not just lying.

Wow. Only some of it's lies.
So amazing so let's just let's face it so

okay so the first time you get hard right and you're with her was this the second time you guys hung out I would say so yeah I would guess you would guess okay

so you get hard and then what happens

um

fumble around for a bit

What? Just fumble around for a bit. Fumble around.
So what exactly does that mean to you?

You just did something with your hand there. What does that mean?

Go soft again and gummy worm her.

Uh-huh. And then, and then, but then at some point, you were able to tell yourself that you're enough.

And then it got hard again. So how long do you think you lasted? You put your wiener inside of her vagina, right? Uh-huh.
And then how long do you think that lasted for, Ben? 35 seconds. 35 seconds.

Finally, a very straight answer. This is the...

And then, so at 35 seconds, you feel it starting to happen and you pull out.

Yeah. And then

where do you finish at? Where did you shoot your load?

On her stomach. On her stomach, very good.
I would have expected something weirder than that.

I would have thought you would have like been shy and shot it on the floor, just on your own pillow or something like that like

but wow you win for it and did she like it did she make any noises or anything what what was she what were the what type of noises was she making during this 35 seconds can you do an impression go ahead give us a spotlight here Kino

this is the girl during

go ahead

All right, no one believes that. Bring the lights back up.
Slice alone. You think that's how it went down?

Yeah, pretty much.

Usually it goes.

All right. Were you attracted to her? Was that the problem?

Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah.
You liked her?

Yeah, yeah. She's pretty.
Yeah. All right.
And you've been doing this regularly since then? Or was it just that one time? Not regularly. How often? Once a week? Every day? What are we talking here?

Probably like once a week. All right.
Very good. Very good.
And you're excited about it. Yeah.

Have you gotten better than 35 seconds since then? Barely. Barely.
Wow. Incredible.

It's not that bad for 22, Ben. You're not doing that bad.

All right. The whole set was rapey and weird, so you're getting a little joke book.
There you go. Sign up again, and we'll see what you talk about next time.
Been doing it two and a half years.

You gotta have something other than rape jokes. There he goes.
Ben Dalky, ladies and gentlemen. All Alright.

Okay, this looks like a fun name. Let's see what this is all about.
Make some noise for Nino, everybody. Nino is next here on Kiltoni.

Mothership, what the fuck is up?

I don't know if you guys can tell by the way I'm dressed.

But I am an essential worker.

Okay, cool. Don't Don't clap fucking assholes

But yeah, I deliver groceries for a living

Without me West Lake and BK would starve, all right Austin needs me

And I think I speak for all delivery drivers when I say this if you live in an apartment complex do not order groceries online, okay?

That is for homeowners only.

Because every time I go to a shitty apartment complex, you're on the 12th floor, your elevator don't work, and you don't tip.

Speaking of no tips, if you're Indian,

I'm not talking about Native Americans.

I'm talking about Nash Merd.

Don't order groceries online, okay?

Taj beer, I swear next time you order with me, dude, I'm going to rub a chicken masala all over my nuts and give you some real spice. Bam.
All right, that's my time, guys. Thank you.
Nina.

Hi, Nina.

You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. Welcome back.
Thank you. That went pretty well, huh? Thank you.
Yeah, it was good. Was that your best set on the show so far? Yeah, it was.
Very good.

I love it. So, you've been delivering groceries.
How long have you been doing stand-up? Gonna be four years in May. Four years.
And where are you originally from? I'm from SoCal. Okay.

Santa Ana Orange County. Okay, you're getting specific there.

Welcome. Oh, okey-dokey.

And how long have you been in Austin?

Almost about four years, too, as well. I started here doing a stand-up as well.
Oh, cool. Almost four-year-olds.
And you've been delivering groceries that whole time? About two and a half years.

All right. And so a lot goes on in the grocery delivery business.
I'd imagine when the elevators work, it's not that bad, right? No, it's not. Okay.
But sometimes the elevators don't work.

Yeah, don't worry. You got to use the stairs.
People in the apartments, for some reason, want to order the heaviest shit too. Cases of water, dog food.

Just dumb shit, bro i hate it okay all right what do you do when you're not doing stand-up or delivering groceries um well i'm not on the spectrum but i collect toy cars you do yeah like hot wheels one a scale toys trailers replicas you guys want to see the smallest toy car in the world yes yeah

is it in your urethra

So this is called a micro mini. And Tony, open it up.
I want you to open it up. It's a really

grab it by the front wheels and open it up. Is that like a micro machine? Yeah, no,

take out the car. Oh, there's a smaller car in there.

Smallest tour car in the world, right? Wow, that's amazing. That is indeed a very small car.
There it is.

Yep, it's so small. There you go.
I'm going to put it there.

Okay, so that's a small car.

Yes.

I love it.

You must get all the pussy.

I'm single ladies.

They know.

They know. Has a woman ever flirted with you while you're delivering groceries? No, not really.
A lot of my customers are old people, so they'll bake me like cookies, give me candies, stuff like that.

Nice. Not really like hot, sexy ladies, no.
Nice. What do you do for fun around Austin?

Let's see. I like to go bar hopping sometimes.

I hooked up with my first Gilf a couple weeks ago. What is a Gilf? Gilf is a grandma I like to fuck.
Oh, wow. So how old a ballpark was this lady? She was probably, no lie, probably like 65.
Wow.

Where'd you find her at? Shout out to Deborah with an H.

Wow.

She literally told me that. She was like, my name's Deborah with an H.
I was like, all right, cool. Hell yeah.
So where'd you meet this old bag about?

I met her at the airport bar right here in Austin. Yeah.
Wow. So I was on my way for one of my friends' friends' weddings in California.

And before my flight, I was like, oh, I'll have a drink. So I was at the bar.
I saw she was sitting by herself. I saw she had a fat ass.
I was like, oh, shit. I was like, all right, cool.

So I made my way next to her. We started talking.
Next, you know, I got her information. She was like, yeah, hit me up when you come back.
And I was like, all right, cool. I hit her up.

We went to some, I think she was staying out in Pflugerville, I want to say. That's where they live.

That's where thick ass 65-year-olds live, isn't it?

So she took me to this local brewery. Ah, did you see them there? Phlugerville with an H.
I know.

That's right.

That's right. And long story short, we had a couple drinks.
We kicked it off. We went back to my car.
Oh,

this one right here?

What?

It was actually a bigger car. Okay, what kind of car do you have? What kind of Honda Civic do you have? No.

It's actually a Kia. Shout out to the Kia boys.
Wow. Yeah.
Sportage? No, it's

fuck. Forte.
Forte. Ooh.
GT, GT. Wow,

you took a 65-year-old to a Forte?

Okay.

And then what happened? And then we started talking, and then we started hooking up. You're in the driver's seat, she's in the passenger seat.
And

when you say hooking up, you mean like... Yeah, we're macing it, you know? Right.
So it's always an interesting predicament when you're in the front of a car.

So, who do you think was doing more of the leaning? Are you guys meeting in the dead center? You're right over the stick shift. I kind of put my seat back a little bit,

set the mood a little bit. Yep, and she's she's taller than me, she's probably like 5'10.
I'm 5'7. Yep.
So I lean back a little bit. We start, she's like, gets on top of me a little bit.

We're hooking up. Okay, so she's the more aggressive one.
Yeah, she is. But then I'm like, fuck it.
Like, I just started pulling on my pants. Oh, shit.
Is this in the parking lot at the brewery?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

All right, Nino. You really do collect Hot Wheels.
Okay. So you start pulling down your pants right then and there.
You got nothing to lose. And then she puts, you know.
Yeah.

Yeah.

She puts my dick in her hand, starts jacking me off, and then she starts giving me sloppy toppy, dude. Wow.

Damn.

The best way I could describe it is like, fellas, remember when you were a kid and you go to a jacuzzi and you put your dick inside the jet just

that's exactly how it felt dude just hot sloppy it was the best wow so fluger vill yeah that's amazing

you got sloppy toppy from an oldie goldie yeah hell yeah you got some of that fucking

help

if you're seeing this call me i miss you wow

so she finished you off right there in the parking lot yeah i i tried not to duck quick I probably lasted about four minutes top there you go according to a lot of the people that have been on tonight's show you're a professional porn star so four and a half minutes is a fucking real humdinger

That's incredible, dude. Absolutely amazing

So then what happened after she finishes you off do you just drop her off? No, so she wanted to make out with me, but I got kind of grossed out because she just swallowed my calm. You're damn right.

And I was kind of like, oh no, bitch, like back up. Right.
But I still meant out there

dude

we for seconds we for seconds

you crazy motherfucker

i would like you to find christ young man

who the fuck is this

i don't know anymore

that's just a love oh shit wow big fan dude yeah you look good man you look good it's one of deborah's favorite actors

did you fuck deborah too dude I'd be a long time ago. Oh, shit.
D-Men is famous. Homophobe on this show.
After you, after you made out with a girl, after coming in her mouth, he's gone.

He's like, I can't take this no more. Hell yeah.
All right, Nino. Well, you did

okay. You talked about your actual job.
It was pretty decent. So you're getting a big joke book.
Congratulations, Nino. There you go.

All right.

Oh, you want the car back? Wow, what a cheap fuck you are.

I keep this one? Okay, cool.

I mean, what the hell's the point?

The car holder car is

what am I gonna do with that? I'm gonna throw it in the crowd after the show. That's what I'm gonna do.

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Okay, ladies and gentlemen, like I said, this is an action-packed show we have here tonight, and we have another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history ready right now.

He is the newest regular on the show, he is known as the dark storm of Atlanta. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

Man, this shit feel good, man. I used to actually hate rich people before I got money.

I did. You know, rich people got different debit cards than us.

They got, maybe y'all, some of y'all got about here these little 22-pound bulletproof solid metal debit cards made out of vibratium from Wakanda.

Have y'all seen these motherfuckers? And then did it, me, The thing is, my debit card, that shit, if I throw it up in the air, it's going to be a minute before it hit the ground.

If somebody opened the door, that shit gonna go right back to the top.

Sometimes if I'm high and I'm bored, I just go

for my debit card.

You know, rich people got heavy debit cards so they can break down cocaine better.

Meanwhile, I can just roll my blunts on my debit card and they be fair don't give a fuck about me

But it's cool, though, because like now that I got fame and success, I get to talk to people that like have done it. So when I get to talk to Tony,

first day I got regular, I was like, yo, what should I look out for? And Tony was like, stay off the comments on Reddit.

They're mean and racist. They say things I wouldn't say.

If Tony wouldn't say it, I wouldn't do it. But the thing was, is that when he told me, I just had to appreciate it.
But I wanted to laugh in his face because he don't know me like that.

For 20 years before that, I was working customer service. They said it to my face.

Dude, I was working at a car wash in Atlanta for 17 years and a girl walked there. This old ass fucking lady, 65 years old, walked up to me and she called me the hard R.

And that shit hurt my feelings. Because I wasn't even being one at the time.

Had she caught me in some niggerly activity, I would have been like, touche.

We weren't shooting dice, selling crack rapping when you walked up. I was just a GM at a goddamn car wash.

But basically, the situation that happened where she had came to my car wash 10 years before, and then when she showed up, the prices were higher 10 years later, like they do everywhere else in the fucking world, right?

Because today's price is not yesterday's price, but not to this racist ass bitch.

She ran up to me and she said, you niggas are always raising prices.

And I was like, actually, man, we devalue the neighborhood

if you're gonna be racist be right

I hate a lazy races that's my time bitch

unbelievable the great Dedrick Flynn with a brand new two minutes and 40 seconds

doing more work than he has to do, unlike his people normally do.

Normally they show up late and leave early. Not Dedrick.
Not Dedrick. It wasn't a good job before, but now I'm on time.
Yeah.

You really worked customer service at a car wash? I was customer service at a car wash. I worked fucking restaurants.
I hated that car wash. What did you do at restaurants? Serve tables, serve beer.

I used to believe in people, right?

Before I worked customer service, if somebody died on the news, like eight people died, my whole family would have come together and prayed for their family.

And then I served one shift and there were like six people died. I was like, good.

You should have called me. It could have been 12.

Was it like a chain restaurant that we would know?

Yeah,

Logan's Roadhouse, Texas Roadhouse.

I hate all them bitches, bro. They fired the fuck out of me because I fought somebody.

You did? Yeah, one lady, St. Patty's Day Day weekend, I was working at Logan's Roadhouse in Savannah, Georgia, where they had like the biggest, like St.
Patty's Day parade.

A lady poured mashed potatoes on my head. Oh, man.
And then I beat up her husband.

Yep. Because I'm southern.
You can't hit women that good. I wanted to really take it out on that.
I whooped his ass.

But they got mad at me for it. So I don't work there no more.
Wow.

She poured mashed potatoes on your head. Did she warn you? Was there you guys arguing? She wasn't even my shift, Tony.
I was covering another nigga's ship. I shouldn't have been there.

What was the reason for it, though? What'd she get? Yeah, so she got her steak, and then she just wanted to keep complaining because she wanted a free steak.

And I was like, hey, I can't do nothing for you.

I'm a server here.

They throw peanuts on the ground there.

If you want a good steak, go where they don't throw food on the ground. Right.
Yeah.

Yep. That is true.

Dedrick, what else is going on? What's the update on your

big, amazing advancement in life? Bitch, I'm on tour. Yeah?

I'm going there. I don't know where y'all from, but I'm coming there.

I'm in the mafia now. I get to go everywhere.

You know, buddy, all the booking places, they hit me up for the like, they'd be like, hey, can you come headline here? But the message before that was like, hey, I'm new in town. Yeah.

If I can get a guest spot, that'd be cool. Red, not responded.
Right. Now they want me to headline because they're supposed to.
Yep.

The game has changed. Slice Stallone.
Hey, yo, I'm just thinking. What the fuck? I'm sorry, I'm too high for you.

Did not know you were there.

A lot of experience. I just suggest that you sell your mouth and buy a diversified portfolio, like a good ETF, like a basket of funds.

You do it? Thank me. Yeah,

you know, I'm going to kill Tony Regler. I don't need to sell shit to make money.

Look at this. Here's the before and after.

This is Dedrick 40 years later, ladies and gentlemen. Here it is.
This is what happens. I would never be blind.

He chose that.

Has anyone in your family ever had diabetes? Yeah, my dad. Yeah, you're going to be blind.

But it's cool. Blind guys can be like rock stars and shit.
That's a whole thing. Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, D-Madness.

D-Madness rocking the fucking Heisenberg hat tonight.

he don't know what does he ever seen breaking bad he ain't seen a lot of stuff yeah he hasn't he hasn't seen shit you ever heard breaking bad

yeah he has he has de Madness what's your favorite you ever listen to a Sylvester Stallone movie

You ain't near the mic. You're good.

We got him. He's picked up.
We got it. Rambo is a...

Oh, collateral damage. Sliced alone.

You have any behind-the-scenes info on what it was like filming collateral damage? I see the wheels turning over there.

I remember ever making a movie called Collateral Damage. I made so many movies, you know.
There's Rambo 1, Rambo 2, Rambo 3, Rambo 4. I kind of Rambo 3, I regret.
You ever see that?

You know, I fought for the Taliban in Rambo 3 that is a fact huh I gave a young kid a knife at the end I think he hijacked a plane years later I don't know

you ever see Rambo 3 here

perfect

Dedrick in another unbelievable set I mean you are just a fucking Freak of nature. We love you.

I love y'all

there he goes The great Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. We're having fun here tonight.
Back to the bucket weekend.

By the way, I thought that was adorable that he said like a gold-plated debit card instead of a credit card. I've never seen like a debit card.
Wait till he finds out about credit cards.

We are watching a kid's

full like we are going to watch Dedrick grow up in front of our very eyes. Some people got light debit cards.
Some people be having heavy debit cards. Like he has no idea what credit even is.

He almost fainted when Sylvester Stallone said diversified portfolio.

We're gonna get to watch him learn everything. Oh, wow.
Okay. We've seen this guy before on this show.

I mean, here we go, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for what some people are calling a local legend. This is the return, I I believe the second time ever, of Keegan Carmichael, everybody.

Here we go.

A guy strikes out nine times out of ten.

I don't know who the tenth girl is,

but tell her to throw the ball.

Hell, I was at the bakery. They were like, baked fresh daily.

Yeah.

Me too.

I wish I had a burrito restaurant because burritos roll

free delivery if you live

downhill.

Our only competitors, a can of soup.

Hey, I have a car. It's not pushed to start, but it is pushed to keep going.

Come on, guys, push.

Oh, we just got passed by a burrito.

Thank you.

Keegan Carmichael. Welcome back, Keegan.

Now, the last time you were on the show, all we talked about the entire time was how you reminded us of Mitch Hedberg.

And

after

a lot of, you know, I talk to people and, you know, word gets around about the guy that... looks and sounds and delivers like Mitch Hedberg.

And it turns out that you're a genuinely very funny guy that just happens to look like and have the delivery of Mitch Hedberg.

It's pretty interesting. It's kind of like...
Tony, what the fuck happened, man? That's a 180 right there.

What do you mean?

What do you, what do you, yeah,

that's what I'm saying is that the first time we're like, oh my god, this guy's ripping off Mitch Hedberg.

And like I said, I've heard from some of my associates that that's, it turns out that you do this every night, that you're a good writer. you they've seen you do longer sets and it's just who you are

thank you associates

is what i mean

he's a funny guy

okay um so keegan tell us more about your life what exactly do you do with uh what's a day in the life of Keegan Carmichael like

I've just been watching like a lot of Nat Geode.

Like I learned a lot about whales.

Yeah, what'd you learn?

Every whale was a sperm whale.

Then I watched an episode about kangaroos and I learned a lot about kangaroos. Huh, what'd you learn about kangaroos?

Like the mama kangaroo kept the baby in her pouch.

The daddy kangaroo kept the baby in his sack.

Yep,

that checks out.

What else, Keegan? How do you make money, Keegan? That's what the world really wants to know.

I deliver food on a bike.

Ah. That's why I see you.
I see you all the time riding your bike.

You do? Yeah, five times since he's been on the show. Wow.
You just see him like out on the streets riding his bike. Do you have like a basket on your bike? How do you do it?

No, that cost $100, and that's fucking crazy. I just, I hold it.

That'll make more sense later. Anyways,

you'll see what I mean. No, but it's cool.
I delivered to

Coach Sarkeesian this week. Oh, nice, hell yeah, the head coach of the Texas Longhorns.
What did he order? Uh, Mary's Cafe.

Okay, yeah, um, yeah,

what did he get?

I it's, I don't know, man. Okay, isn't that like a doctor confident? He, um, uh,

yeah, but I, I, I told him, like, I shot my shot. I was like, hey, if um, you need someone on special teams, you know, I'm your guy.

No.

He was like, no.

You should play quarterback.

Why? Why would he invite you to play quarterback?

They got a lot of NIL money, Tony. I don't know.
There's enough to go around.

Do you know how to throw a football? Mm-hmm.

Really? Kind of of dumb-ass question. That's a very good question.

You don't seem that mobile. You kind of sway a lot.

Yeah, it's called pocket presence. Oh, my goodness gracious.
You know about this.

I never would have guessed this.

Wow. But on a serious note, that really did happen.
And I will go to USC.

That's a different school.

Yeah. But I don't think you took me seriously.
Uh-huh. All right.

Okay, Keegan. What else, Keegan? What else is going on in life? Anything else interesting?

I have a cast iron pan.

We know about this. I think we talked about this last time.
How's it been going with the cast iron pan?

I don't know. I just wanted to mention, like, you know, last time I was on, I said I was a father to a pan.

And

everyone was like, missed the opportunity to name him Peter.

No,

my pan's name is Glenn Fry

because he performs when the heat is on.

Keegan,

you are two of a kind.

Here's a here's a big joke book, buddy. I like your style.
Keep signing up.

There he goes He has a little athletic prowess He does know about pocket presence and he did catch that joke book with great ease with his left hand Underhand left-handed catch one of the hardest ways to catch a joke book a little fun fact for you All right back to the bucket we go you guys still having fun out there?

All right, let's see what happens next ladies and gentlemen your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Sean Cantwell everybody here comes Sean Cantwell make some noise for Sean everybody

All right, here he comes. Sean Campwell.

This is my first time doing stand-up, so thank you. I feel honored doing it with the genius.
You're grooving, right? So my name is Sean. I'm from Sean Campwell.
I'm from Pennsylvania.

I'm from Pennsylvania.

462?

Oh, no, too soon. All right.
Anyway, so I'm one of those people diagnosed with,

well, ADHD, right? Right? Because I grew up in the area where we didn't have helmets. All right.

You're laughing, right? Yeah, that's why I never had kids. I'm 47 kids, because I didn't put a helmet on my kid

and ride a bike. You know, I just ain't doing it, right? So,

and

this is my first time ever doing stand-up, and I'm like a ferret. I have the attention span of a ferret.
on crystal meth, right?

Bro, right? Come on, you got it. You got it.
You spit on you. You're like, holy shit, this dude spit on me.

So I had a total minute planned. No, I didn't.
No, I really didn't. No.
Seriously.

What the fuck's wrong with you? Peace and triggers. What just happened?

What just happened?

What the fuck did you just do?

Sean, welcome. Hello, how are you? I'm good.
Is stand-up something that you've ever wanted to do before? Yes. And how long have you wanted to do it? About three weeks.
About three weeks.

It became a passion of yours. And this is your first time ever attempting it.
Yes. What made you want to do it on this show in front of this many people?

Because if you've got something to say, you got to say it's in front of the best. You're the best.
Well, okay. I mean, that's very nice.

I'm sorry.

Okay, Sean, you are. a wild, wild person, so let's just slow it down one breath at a time.
How old are you? 47. What do you do for work?

I'm entrepreneur and then I left out to...

What kind of entrepreneurial stuff have you done? I'm an investment advisor.

What have you invested in? I'm not allowed to talk about that licensing. You're not allowed to talk about it? Not in Texas.
Not in Texas. No, it's PA, yeah.

Okay. So your investments are all in PA

and you're not allowed to talk about it here?

It could be considered as a solicitation on,

and licensing doesn't let you do it. Tony, I don't feel very safe being this.
Yeah.

I know, I know. Well, Sylvester Sloan, it's going to be all right.

It's going to be all right. It's going to be all right.
This is the guy that trained you in Rocky, isn't it?

Oh, my God. You recognize that.
Oh, come here, Gary, bring it in, bring it in. All right.
Fun fact. Sean, give us a fun fact about your life.
Fun fact, I trained their first professional

boxer in the United States of America. You really did? Oh, I helped train, yes, and I was a corner person.
You were the corner person? No, I was the corner person. That's what I just asked.

Yeah. Right.
Are you on something right now?

I can't talk about that either. Okay, well, then put the mic in the mic stand.

If you can't talk about things, then there's no point of doing an interview with somebody that can't answer questions about their job or anything.

Wait. Yeah.

Wait. I understand the algorithm for 369.
I really just wanted to talk to Joe Rogan and explain how the universe works. There he goes, everybody.
Wow. Infinity.
There you go.

Oh, come on

put the mic in the mic stand there he goes

everybody there he goes there he goes don't sign up again sean can't well everyone what the hell was that is that oh that's him all right

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Okay, you know what? Let's cleanse the room with a little

something special.

We have a special...

A special type of sage we use to cleanse the stage here at Kill Tony.

He is, without a doubt, one of the greatest Kill Tony regular slash golden ticket winners slash forces of nature to ever come across the show. Every time he does, it's absolute insanity.

You're a very lucky audience. You're here on a very special night as I present to you a man who gets to do whatever he wants on the show.

A man

who is the only bucketful ever that I am slightly afraid of. This is the great and powerful Timmy Newbridge.

George, fucking this two-year-old.

Relax. I was one.

Guys, that need to get a much bigger pop, okay? That's some funny fucking shit, alright? I need you guys. I want this clip to go fucking viral.

So I need you guys to fucking, I need you guys to all stand when I do that. I want you to take your tits out.
I want you to take your fucking dick out.

Black guy, I want

you to like it so much to give me a N-wood pass.

All right.

Take it from the top.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. What can I say? I mean, truly, a freak of nature, a beast unlike any other.
You're here on a special night as I introduce the one and the only Timmy Nobri.

So this two-year-old was following him as fuck, fuck!

Take it from the top.

Sometimes in this world, you are graced upon a presence unlike any other.

Someone that is simply unlike anybody else. A man who has more power than any bucket hole in the history of the show.
You're here on a special night as I present to you the old golden goose.

This is Timmy Nobre.

Shawy,

how about that N-word pass?

Come on, bitch, give me that shit.

God damn.

Look at this motherfucker. I'm going to turn to my left.
Yep, I'm gonna look right. Yeah, yeah, look.
I'm looking at the panel to my left.

I'm looking at the audience for a little bit, but then I'm turning to the left. Nope, look at there.
We go.

Look at this game, motherfucker. God damn.

Look at this game, motherfucker. Your face looks red as shit.
You never own looking motherfucker. God damn.

What's your name? She squats her dick. Holy fuck, god damn.

Look at this black guy.

There's a a black man on the face.

I challenge you to a rap battle.

Let's do it. What do you know about rap, bitch?

Let's go, bitch. Fucking...

I'm going to suck my dick.

Come over here, get on your knees and suck my dick. That's just a...
I'm just setting the stage.

Alright.

Give me a beat.

Nah, what the fuck is that? Nah, that's not my beat.

Cut it out. No.

Every time I do this move, I need you to hit the beat the right way.

God damn.

Alright, every time I do this move,

just this move right here, I need you to do the beat good.

Hit me.

Alright, give me five words. Give me five words right now.
I'm gonna use them in this beat.

Tony, Tony, say five words. Uh, okay.
Uh,

horse,

white, cigarette, gun,

whiskey. Nah, this beat sucks.
Yeah, all right. Nah, fuck this beat.
Nah, fuck that shit.

The hell was that, Tone?

God damn.

Jesus Christ.

Give him some gangsta shit.

You want to see some gangsta shit? I'm going to say the N-word in three,

two,

one.

No, I got scared. I got scared.

I got scared.

I was a little afraid of that shit.

God, my bad.

Look at it. Look at his motherfucker.
Yo, ass.

Nope, I'm not saying anything.

You got any questions for me?

I keep noticing that your lips are moving and sometimes nothing's coming up. Nope.

Wait,

wait, if I wait, it appears as if I talk, the guys move lips up a bit.

I think.

It appears as if I talk, his lips also move. Where the fuck did you find this guy, Timmy?

He doesn't understand the job at all.

Don't break the fourth wall. Don't do that

don't you do that

that's up to Red Bad does that's up to you do

god damn look at these lights

I'm getting tired of this shit

look at that light

hit me with the spotlight

I'm blind

I can't see shit. Turn off the spotlight.

Oh, man.

Look at this hoodie in the blowfish looking ass. Tone number two.
God damn.

Look at the light.

Anyways, any other questions for me, Tone?

Wow, this is incredible. How did you transform? We watched you come out twice as yourself, and then you came back a third time as a black man.
How were you able to do this, Timmy?

Your powers know no bounds. Great, great question, Tone.
And I know I'm turned, you know, from the camera, and that's not good for a video, but that's fine. fine.

Now look,

the last time I was on,

you know, I said a bar and I was like,

how do I top this bar? You know how I thought I'd do it? Blackface.

That's the only way to do it, Tom.

It was the only way to do it. And I said, fuck it, black face, blackbody.

And yeah, I did just gesture to my big black cat. That is something I did.

Any other questions?

Wow. Wow.
This is incredible.

Timmy, what have you been up to lately? I know you've been busy. You've been on the road.
You've had a lot of opportunities lately. So what's been happening with you?

What have you been up to with this, especially with this newfound power of going, being able to change races and whatnot?

Well, money.

Yeah, I've been doing big shows on the road, just going around like did uh you know I did Denver I did your fucking mom boom got your ass hit me

Yeah, I fucked your mom hit me

I Was up in it so good that she was like goddamn I want you to be my son hit me

She came hit me

Any other questions when you fucked my mom

were did you do it normal or were you in this older blacker man

character that you're able to do nowadays? You never do it normal, Tony. Yeah, I never do it normal.

No, I fucked her like this.

She's a saint, Tone, and you know, I did it missionary.

Wow. Yeah.
This is absolutely. Can I show you my dick? No, no, no, Tammy.
Can I just take on my dick? Timmy, you definitely shouldn't. Wait, look at this.
Look at this. Look at this bass player.

Look at this bass player right there. He's right behind me.
He's to my left. I'm going to turn.
Nope, other left. Other left.
Other left. Fuck it.
Fuck it.

Look at the sex player at the fucking piece of shit. Goomba from Mario.
What the fuck is this guy doing?

Jesus Christ.

I turned left. I did it.

Man, this is fun. Yeah, it is.
He's lipsticking.

I saw that.

Man, this so fun, fat, you broke the fourth wall, you piece of shit. What are you doing?

Who is this guy? Some of us fucked up. I don't know.

This is incredible. Timmy No Breaks somehow absolutely not knowing which way to face tonight.
Looks healthy, though. Looks healthier than ever, younger.
No, I don't.

No, I definitely don't.

Wow, Timmy, have you, is there anything else that you do now that you can become a special black man?

Is there anything else that you find yourself doing out in society now that you can be black sometimes? That's great. Really good question, Tone.

I'm going to turn my back to the audience for this one, if that's okay. Yeah, face.
You're going to face that way towards the audience? No,

yeah. Fuck them.

Yeah, ever since I became, you know, embraced the power of being an old black man that I met 10 minutes ago. I...

been going to Ross Trust for less a lot.

I'm good at basketball. I'm not

racist at all. This isn't racist at all.
What does it look like when you shoot a basketball? How exactly do you shoot a basketball? What is your form like? Here I go.

Boom.

Nothing but neck.

Wow.

How about throwing a football? Do you know how to throw a football chip? Check this shit out.

Drop back.

Tyke it.

How about bowling? Do you have a good bowling form? Yeah, get ready for this shit.

Get ready for this shit. Yeah, looking for my ball.

Bull it right into that guy's face.

What else you got coming up? Now, I noticed that you bowl left-handed, but you shoot basketballs and throw footballs with your right hand. Are you ambidextrious? No, I'm just black.

I mean

what's your dumbass?

What are you looking at, dumbass?

Fucking

wow, Red Band looks like a gray ass motherfucker. God, this guy looks unhealthy.
I'm looking at the ground. I'm looking all around.
I'm having the time of my life up here.

I got to tell you this. Oh, look at you.
I thought, fuck these glasses. Who needs them?

Nope, I need them.

Wow, Timmy, I mean, you're on a whole new level. Every single time you come onto the show, you're so innovative.
You completely take over. This is unbelievable.

In my own, near just about to be 20 years in this industry, I've never seen a man with the balls, the courage, and the talent to be able to switch races. I've seen people switch genders.

I've seen people switch everything about themselves. I've seen, but I've never seen anything like this before.
Timmy, you have done it again.

You have found another way to innovate and take things to a whole nother level. You're unbelievable.
Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Tom.

Now, where's my big fucking joke book?

And I gotta tell you, you're also, you're showing amazing skills. Have you been trying to be a ventriloquist? Because there's times where you're talking and your lips aren't moving at all.

You see, I've learned, Tom.

I'm gonna eat your pussy.

You gotta pussy, and I'm gonna fucking eat that shit up.

Here's the big joke book, Timmy. Hey, watch me catch this.
Here we go. Here it comes.

Yeah.

Still got it.

Light Lights out, motherfucker to see you next time! Woo!

Here I go, I'm leaving now.

I'm gonna dance a little bit, but then I'm gonna go. All right, I'm walking the way up, cave.
I'm walking out.

Here I go.

I'm laying up, bitch.

All right, I gotta go now.

I'll see you guys later.

Good to meet you, Code. Good to meet you, other code.

I love you, bitch.

Jesus, Timmy. Stapping up the blood, bitch, player.

And I gotta get the fuck out. I'm going.
I'm out.

Peace.

Make some goddamn noise.

For Timmy No Breaks, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow.

It's one of my favorite things ever, man. Yeah.

Yeah.

No doubt about it.

No doubt about it. Timmy no breaks.
Freak of nature has done it again. I mean,

15 minutes of absolute chaos.

Back to the bucket.

This is going to be hard to follow. Let's see what happens here.
Make some noise for Patrick Cassaday, ladies and gentlemen. Patrick Cassaday.

How are we all doing tonight?

You guys ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid?

27 times?

It's awkward when they tell you to stop doing it. You keep...

No,

it's my fault the first time, actually. I was about five, and I said, what do you want for your birthday? He said,

I want to watch.

Fucking shit, it said big wheel.

Stupid.

Actually, my father passed away not too long ago.

I'm pretty happy about that now.

He left me his motorhome, and I'm living in

about two miles away from here, so I get to sign up all the time. It's pretty awesome.

But I've had a hard time talking about it with all my black friends because I don't want them to think I'm appropriating their culture by not having a father now.

Which got me thinking about Star Wars.

And how

Anakin Skywalker was white. Oh, damn.
But then, as soon as he turned black, he left his kids. No, that's all right.
All right. That's all I got.
Thanks, guys.

Okay, Patrick Cassaday. All right.

There's a little something there. I can see the premise that you were going with.
When Anakin Skywalker turned black, coincidentally, he did leave his children. He became Darth Vader.

Played by a guy named Hayden, and then all of a sudden he's six foot seven and played by James Earl Jones.

There you go. Patrick.

How long have you been doing stand-up? About six months. This is my 33rd time on stage.
Six months.

Have you ever thought about doing your comedy offstage into a microphone while a black man lip syncs your material for you?

I am now because that sounded funny and I didn't even get to watch it from back there. It was hilarious.
Yeah, it was great. Did you say six months? Six months, yeah.

And remind us, you've been on this show before. I have.
And what did we learn? What did we talk about that last time uh we talked about

your father dying right yeah and remind us what that was all about uh well we've always watched the show and then he said you know when when i go better get out there and do the show so i came out here last year for eight weeks and i got on the show yeah and then uh have you been doing open mics and working on it yeah i just moved out here uh in august i've been doing open mics ever since i've been working on my comedy for about three four months how long ago was that that you were on this show remind me i was on again about

two months ago. Okay.
I didn't do very well, but you let me do another joke, and that one went all right.

Well, do you have another joke that you could do that's better than your set this time? This could be your specialty.

The guy that doesn't do good in the minute and then doesn't joke, it's better than everything he tried in the minute.

Okay.

Do you have another one?

I got a lot of them, but I don't know if it's going to be better, to be honest with you. Just try it.
I don't think you know what's funny. Yeah, it's true.
It's true.

All right.

Dating's a little different now that I'm 50.

Like, when I was young, the only birth control was the pill. You know, and that was going to, I don't know, it's going to work or she's going to take it.

They didn't have plan B. Plan B was fucking move.
You know,

plan C was Canada.

Plan D was down the stairs.

I never had to go that far, thank God, because I have family in British Columbia.

There you go. Sounds like you got a lap there.
Patrick, what do you do for work?

I used to do insurance, but since I moved out here, I've been door dashing a lot. Door dashing.
On my motorcycle.

Okay. How's that going for you? How's door dashing on the motorcycle?

You know, it's getting my RV space paid for, my truck payment paid. Okay.
Any crazy things

happen while door dashing?

I've only been doing it for about three weeks

because

before that I had, you know, all dad's money you spent that yeah what did you spend that on just rent and food hooker's blow did you really spend it on hookers and blow no i'm too old for that do you do blow i used to i've done it for i'm not a big uh unless there's girls around why okay doesn't make sense right your delivery system sucks

Have you ever thought about enunciating so that the people understand the words that you're saying? Yes, I'm very nervous, but

I'm in front of like, you know, one of my heroes right now. That's what happens.
He's a big fan of Sylvester Stallone, obviously. Don't be scared.
You know, when I was shooting,

I was about to fight Club of Lang, you know, my legs are going. I was scared.
Then I realized I had written a movie, and we weren't actually going to be punching each other.

There you go. It's a good way to write.
It's a great movie. It's a great movie.

Patrick,

it's tough to follow Timmy Noah. Yeah, I was hoping to follow that other guy.

I don't know if it would have gone that much better. Probably wouldn't have actually right.

You got a little joke book last time?

I did get a little joke book. Well, there you go.
That is where it will remain. We'll see you again soon.
Patrick Cassidy, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm going to keep it moving real fast here as we come around the corner.

Should be the last bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for one of our very own.
This is

make some noise for Heidi, everybody.

Make sure you check out Love on the Line at Heidi Regina.com. Again, this episode brought to you by Talkspace.
This is actually one of our very own um

one of our very own team members around here make some noise for a brand new minute from dusty carter everybody here comes dusty carter

i recently made a horrible mistake i cut off all my hair and most of my beard Yeah, I used to look like Jesus if his first miracle was turning water into meth.

You know, I got tired of walking around looking like a caveman who had been thawed from ice.

The problem is now I just look like a white guy hired by it.

I was at my daughter's school the other day, and I overheard these two ladies talking about a deaf kid that had been learning sign language, and then he had an accident over the summer during 4th of July, messed up some digits.

I was like, that is so sad. That little boy was born deaf, then he developed a lisp.

It's okay for the rest of y'all to laugh. Hell, if he was here, he wouldn't have heard you.

That's about time.

Dusty Carter with exactly 58 seconds. Hi, Dusty.

Hey, Tony, how are you doing, boss? Great, buddy. Good to see you, man.

Not a lot of people know this, but Dusty, a little fun fact, opens one half of the curtains for everybody that comes out of here. Yeah,

isn't that interesting? It's like some inside show biz stuff.

There's two guys right on the other side of those curtains. One of them is Dusty, and then there's another guy.

And then when I say the person's name, they wait one second for the band to start playing, and then they pull the curtains that way. Isn't that interesting? High-tech.
High-tech stuff. High-tech shit.

Dusty also puts together the table every Sunday night. Yes.

With another guy.

Used to take two hours, and then it took an hour and a half, and I believe they've now got it all the way down to what? 50? 58 minutes. 58 minutes, ladies and gentlemen.

Would you guys like to put together an LED table? That's not easy.

58, though. Why do you just say it took an hour? No, they're timing themselves.
Yeah. They take it very seriously.

It's more of a challenge than

anything just to see if we can beat what we did before. Yeah.
Because each week it's something different because this isn't the only show they have here.

They have other shows and then we have to sort through wires and things and make sure we got everything y'all need to enjoy what we do or they do. You're damn right.
Absolutely.

Dusty, you mentioned having a daughter. How old's your daughter? She is 11.
Nice. And how's that going?

She's amazing. She's excelling at everything and she's loving school right now.
She's with her mom this year while I got settled in Austin and she'll be back with me this fall. Nice.
Nice.

It's a lot of fun. Being a dad's most rewarding and stressful thing I've ever done in my entire life.
And that's your only child? No, I have a son that's 26.

You have a 26-year-old son. How old are you? I'm 45, Tony.
Wow.

Yeah, prison has a lot of preservatives in its food. Yeah.
And you were in prison for what again? Manufacturing methamphetamine. There you go.

The crowd goes wild. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe, where you get a standing ovation for making meth.

You never dabbled in holler health care? No.

Uh-uh. Tell us about it.
What's making meth like?

It's not like breaking bad. That was sissy shit.
I used to do mine in the woods in 45 minutes, and it'd be 90% pure.

Wow.

What needs all that laboratory equipment when you're just fucking moonshining? Right. I would ask you your secrets or your process, but I immediately realize that that's probably against

YouTube research. For entertainment purposes only, we can talk about whatever we want.
We can write books. Oh, interesting.
By the way, Tony, I'm here to promote my coloring book.

You got a coloring book slide? Yeah,

that's why I'm here, kinda, to kind of promote that. Wow.
You haven't talked about it like at all.

What's your coloring book? Well, it's an adult coloring book, you know? And like, the subject is very mature, you know.

Like the pictures you color in, you know, the of like scenes from September 11th.

Just to honor those fallen, those who got 9-11.

Nice book. Wow.

And at the end, you know, there's like a centaphoral pop-out big thing.

of those who've fallen at the 9-11 memorial.

Anyway, on sale now.

At kyledunagan.com. That's the only place to buy the coloring book.

Dusty, a great appearance, fun times. You're a likable guy.
There's a lot of... Thank you.
You're different. Funny.
There goes Dusty Carter, ladies and gentlemen. Well, what an episode we've had.

I mean, this was...

This had

three

regulars and a golden ticket winner, the return of a couple great old characters, and now there's only one way to end an episode like this, and that's with the man with the most appearances ever in this show's history, the most interviews, the hall of famer, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the magazine monster, the elevator acceler,

the the

Zippercruder Zebra, the talk space tycoon. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, everybody.
Here we go.

Quick housekeeping announcement. There's an Astro van parked out front.
It's filled with guys in turbans reciting prayers, like frantically reciting prayers.

Anyway, so I'm watching this Diddy documentary, The Reckoning, and I didn't realize that early in his career, Diddy hosted a celebrity basketball game where nine people were trampled to death when they were rushing into the gym to get a seat.

Apparently, they thought it was an Apex Twin concert.

Is it just me or has the Taliban gotten too woke?

I've always wanted to go to a mafioso Christmas party and be like, hey, wait, this mistletoe has a tiny little microphone hanging down.

A teenager who wants to be a lion tamer jumped in the lion enclosure in a Brazilian zoo. If he had not been eating alive by the lions, it would have gone really well.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you 57 seconds.
From the man who's done it the most

and still adding to his resume, the great William Montgomery. So nice to be here.
I'm excited. I started back on the Row Machine yesterday.

Good.

And Tony Yayo, I got to say, man, one of your buddies up there is super high in the green room. He's been asleep this whole time.

I drew a mustache on his fucking ass with a sharpie. I hope he doesn't get mad when he wakes up.
Please have my back when he wakes up.

That is possible. Two motherfuckers.
Wasted up there, Tony.

Wow.

But he's having fun. Yeah, he's having a good time.

I love it. William, you're back on the row machine.
You've been doing your puzzles. You've been making puzzles? Yes, I'm almost finished with the one that's filled with cakes.

I ended up taking a break last week. I wasn't in the mood.
I got out of the mood with the puzzles, but now I'm back at it tonight and tomorrow. I'll be done.
What kind of cakes are on this puzzle?

Oh my God, Tony. I mean, they all have blue icing, which makes it super fucking difficult.
But some of them also have red icing. Some of them also have a little purple icing.

There's just all kinds of, but all of them have blue icing, Tony, which makes it really hard. It's a really hard puzzle thousand piece

Thousand piece Yeah, some of them have it so like blue and purple blue and yellow But there's no specific types of cake. There's no like

There's no one is strawberry because one of them has red on the inside one of them is of as white on the inside yell it Thanks dumbass. Is that what you wanted you fucking idiot?

What'd you want me to yell? It was a strawberry cake, you fucking idiot

Wow, you are mad at that guy in the car. I'm fucking mad at that fucking idiot.
What did he want me to fucking yell? It was a strawberry cook.

I'm trying to have fun tonight, Tony. Yeah!

Well, what's fun to you? I don't know how.

Oh, my God. How depressing is that? Yeah.
For no reason whatsoever.

All right.

So what are you having fun with lately? What are you passionate about? Ah, yeah.

Anything, Anything, William?

Is there anything that you're excited about in all of life? I ate a banana earlier. It was pretty good.
I hadn't had a banana in a while.

Yeah, thank you. Oh, my God.
It was a really great banana tote.

Oh.

Wow, you had a good banana. What did you have with the banana? A little bit of peanut butter to

this.

At some apples with a little bit of honey to

Wow!

We love that. We need some Metamucil because I've been shitting again.
Metamucil.

Wow. Yeah, sugar-free metamucil.
Oh, sugar-free metamucil, right? It tastes horrible.

Oh, my God. What does it taste like?

Like tang. Ooh.
And it looks like Tang, too. It's orange.
Wow.

So that's been fun mixing up the different mixtures, seeing how much I can put in there. Okay.
Still dissolves. Yeah.
And the metamucil makes you feel better.

Yeah, it makes my tummy feel a little better, Tony.

Really? I had a pretty good doo-doo today, Tony. Oh, my goodness.

How have your duties been lately? Solid? They've been okay when I can. I mean, it's been two fucking days.
I think it was because I was eating a bunch of Butterfingers out in Tulsa.

What were you doing eating Butterfingers in Tulsa? Starving, Tony, and I fucking, I felt weird.

I was like, I was, fucking was freezing cold and I was in the hotel room and I don't want to leave the hotel room and I'm watching some football and it's like, well, I can't do doo though and I gotta got to before the sets later on and

about 20 minutes later I'm able to do do so it's okay.

Wow.

Amazing. Yeah.
So exciting. Sylvester Stallone, have you ever seen anything quite like William Montgomery before? No, I'm going to have to leave.

But thank you so much for having me, Tony. Yeah.
Appreciate it. Well, we are at the end of the show.

You have any favorite Sylvester Stallone projects that

you've seen? I loved you in Predator. I thought you were wonderful killing off the Predator.
That was wonderful when you put the mud on your body. Don't talk about it.
That was really cool.

I love that part.

Did that? Hold on, Sylvester, did that one guy. That's a baby longhorn that I murdered myself.

Strangled it in front of its mother. Sylvester, did that one guy actually shave in the jungle without the shaving cream?

You got the wrong movie, buddy. Huh?

I think you're the wrong guy. Yeah, you

got

the Arnold Schwarzenegger guy. That's very disrespectful.
You're thinking of Arnold.

You're thinking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why are you shaking your head like a fucking idiot, dumbass?

I almost didn't have to interact with your fucking ass this entire night, and I was feeling pretty good.

Who's that little cigarette you're smoking? What is that, a Virginia Slim, you fucking pussy? What are you fucking smoking? Virginia Slims over there, you fucking idiot.

Like, because it's Christmas and that's what your mom smokes.

Dumbass, don't fucking come to me right now, fucking idiot.

Fucking highlight of my days drinking Meta Musil, you fucking idiot. Why are you coming after me? Why do you think coming after me was a good idea, dumbass?

Yeah, after your mom and I are fucking done in her bedroom, which is way too hot all the time, she's smoking those fucking Virginia slims

whatever robin hood

whoa

roasted by red band the crowd doesn't know how to handle it because

what are you referring to this hat i got for my sweet dead grandmother bee

your grandmother referring to or what were you referring to his grandmother's name was b

Yes. Oh my goodness.
That's adorable. We caught her Queen Bee.
We used to fuck her from behind. Whoa.

Redband is roasty tonight. They're having a I fucked your

mom and grandma battle, everyone. This is a whole new thing.
He raised, he raised, he called your bluff and raised you a grandma, everyone.

It appears as though William is short-circuiting right now and doesn't know how to handle this situation. Could your Grammy tell you all about that metal musol, William? Okay, Red Band, very good.

Mom did a dumbass a couple years ago. oh wow

it's a grandma mom battle that's going nowhere before we let you go um

before i let you go i want to because i you know it's not easy to get a powerful guest like sylvester stallone here and you accidentally named an arnold schwarzenegger movie i'm gonna give you another chance here

is there A favorite Sylvester Stallone film that you have that you would like to say right now. What, is it Rudy? Aren't you the kid and rudy i'm kick his ass i swear to god is that what it is

don't kick his ass sly don't kick his ass let's give him an let's give him another guess here this is the great sly stallone aren't you the gudge of bad news bears is bad news bears no

oh my god i'm sorry sly i don't know what to do what's stopping me is the mental illness i don't attack mentally ill people it looks bad on tmz that's true

just clip it you know they don't show that part yeah Naming the wrong movies. Yeah.
They just show Scallone beating up the retarded guy.

I'm going to give you one more chance here. This is an opportunity of a lifetime.
We have Sly Stallone. You should pay your respects.
You must have a favorite Sly Stallone movie.

You do not leave your hotel much. You don't leave your house much.
You watch, you consume a lot of television and movies. This should be very easy for you.

What is one of your favorite sly stallone movies?

Rocky 3.

Oh. Rocky 3.
I really, that was my favorite one. I thought you were a greater Rocky.
I was hoping you were going to be a little bit more.

All right, Rocky III. All right.

Well,

a real climax there at

the end.

William, an improv guru, some would say.

Absolutely amazing.

William, anything else you want to say before we leave here?

Stop red band. Brian's mom will shoot on your chest.
Wow, Redband. Do you think you could create more silence in the room? Yeah, you're a fucking idiot.
I mean, it's already got a little weird.

You're a fucking idiot. Would you think that was going to be funny, dumbass? Really? Did you think that one was going to be funny? Bringing my fucking, my dead grandmother back up, you fucking idiot.

You didn't have sex with her. I had sex with your mom, dumbass.
Seriously,

fucking idiot. I had us all set up here.
I gave it to William, and then you... There you go.
Someone just broke a... Breaking shit.
Someone just broke a beer bottle over their head right now. William,

anything else you want to say before we get out of here?

It's very easy. Just fucking yell something, William.

Fucking anything, really. It's just such an easy job at this point.
You've created this entire world where all you have to do is literally just go

and the planet. I'm trying to think of something.
Thank you. Good night, everybody.
And then I name the things and then we're fucking out of here. The thing that...

Wow, maybe the holiday season, Tony. There you go.
The holiday season, everyone. What an unbelievable climax we've come to.
How about I with hand for William Montgomery, everybody?

Guys, make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of the great Tony Yeo, everybody. This podcast is out

in the beginning of 2026.

Find it. The real report.

And how about one more time for Sylvester Stallone, everyone?

He's on tour. Get tickets at kyledunagan.com.
Thank you to Talkspace, Red Band.

Check out the SunsetStripATX.com secret show. How about a hand for the best damn band in all of the land? We'll see you.
I mean, this is it. This should be,

yeah, it should be basically the week of the New Year's Eve show. So we'll see you at the Moody Center

this week for our biggest live show ever in Austin, Texas. Very, very exciting stuff.
We love you. God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America.
Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstriptATX.com for tickets.
tickets.

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