#745 - JAMES MCCANN + JEFF DYE

Transcript

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 2 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 2 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 2 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 7 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony.
It's Glady.

Speaker 3 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 3 Fuck yeah, mix the noise for Brian Red Bam.

Speaker 8 Lady Konzam,

Speaker 9 how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land?

Speaker 9 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Auevos Ranchero, C Senor, the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and that is Live in the Flesh, the one and only D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 17 This episode is brought to you by Talk Space ZipRecruiter and Tocovas.

Speaker 19 Ladies and gentlemen, what an episode we have for you.

Speaker 22 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Speaker 28 Coming to the Orpheum Theater July 14th through August 9th.

Speaker 29 Tickets on sale now at BroadwaySF.com.

Speaker 30 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.
Go to SunsetStriptATX.com for tickets.

Speaker 31 You guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode or what, huh?

Speaker 34 Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on the show.

Speaker 35 This week, absolutely no different.

Speaker 18 In fact, it's amped up.

Speaker 21 Two of my favorite comedians in the world right now.

Speaker 34 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guests.

Speaker 13 It's the return of James McCann and Jeff Dye.

Speaker 41 Oh yeah, James McCann.

Speaker 43 One of the best guests in the history of the show.

Speaker 44 Same with Jeff Motherfucking Dye.

Speaker 43 He's back.

Speaker 4 James McCann's new special black Israelite out everywhere.

Speaker 46 It's got a new poetry book, The Disquieting

Speaker 48 Loads of Eggs.

Speaker 5 Disquieting Levels of Eggs.

Speaker 5 A new book of poems by James Donald Forsmack, the number one best-selling book of poems by an Australian now.

Speaker 5 Right now, disquieting levels of egg. Tony, people love these poems.

Speaker 50 He has poems.

Speaker 5 We are replacing Huckleberry Finn in American school syllabuses.

Speaker 5 Because there were too many N-words in Huck Finn.

Speaker 11 There were 52 N-words.

Speaker 5 My book of poems, 38 N-words. We got it down as a gift to the people of this country.

Speaker 52 It's perfect.

Speaker 48 Jeff Dye.

Speaker 53 Jeff Dye loves it.

Speaker 56 Jeff Dye has the new Die Hard podcast.

Speaker 57 He's on tour all the time at jeffdy.com.

Speaker 21 Yeah, we're in it.

Speaker 37 You guys have both been here before.

Speaker 61 How you doing?

Speaker 62 How do you feel? Happy to be here.

Speaker 63 Good job with you a cappella, boys.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Yes. First time I've ever seen the band nervous.

Speaker 47 Yeah, they travel light, those acapellas.

Speaker 63 Yeah, we're always sizing up the other comedians like, oh, fuck. But it's the first time the band was on their toes.

Speaker 67 Like, who the the fuck are these guys?

Speaker 4 Yeah, they were.

Speaker 68 Deep Madness was looking down for the first time.

Speaker 46 Yeah, so we're going to have a lot of fun.

Speaker 34 You guys have both done this show before.

Speaker 18 You know how it works.

Speaker 20 Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to be on tonight's show.

Speaker 72 If I pull one of their names out of this bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Speaker 20 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 21 Very exciting.

Speaker 20 I'm going to let this soon-to-be deported illegal immigrant pick the first name out of the bucket here tonight.

Speaker 74 Very exciting.

Speaker 73 Oh, right off the top.

Speaker 21 Very nice.

Speaker 22 Oh, he double-checked it.

Speaker 77 And it is on.

Speaker 14 While we go wrangle that comedian to start tonight's show, I have one of our esteemed golden ticket winners has just arrived on a plane to come to this show for this spot.

Speaker 25 You know him as a man from Toronto, Canada, who's very Asian, who famously sits around eating ramen noodles all day while his girlfriend is a waitress at the ramen place.

Speaker 89 This is the long-awaited return of Kansas!

Speaker 90 Thank you.

Speaker 91 Hi guys.

Speaker 92 Did you guys know that most of the fentanyl

Speaker 92 was manufactured in Japan? Japan.

Speaker 92 I was surprised at the beginning, but it kind of makes sense that they were making it in Japan because police in Japan would never realize if Japanese people are high on fentanyl

Speaker 92 or just being really, really respectful.

Speaker 92 Speaking of fentanyl, any Chinese people in this crowd?

Speaker 92 If there is, as a Japanese person, sorry for everything.

Speaker 92 I think Japan did terrible things to China

Speaker 92 back in World War two.

Speaker 92 So I think, in my opinion, as a Japanese person, I think Japan deserved the first bomb.

Speaker 92 But second one,

Speaker 92 it's too much.

Speaker 92 So I never understood the second one,

Speaker 92 never did, until just recently I figured out. I was using a microwave.

Speaker 92 I put my food out and my food wasn't piping hot enough.

Speaker 92 I was like,

Speaker 92 why in this hot pocket not surrendering?

Speaker 92 so i had to nuke it again

Speaker 3 thank you kansai yesudara

Speaker 86 welcome back kansai a fantastic set to get things started tonight i appreciate it

Speaker 98 thank you we've missed you what's been going on in life kansai what have you been up to since the last time we saw you

Speaker 92 it's been amazing

Speaker 92 But I just have one

Speaker 99 concern.

Speaker 98 Yes, what is your concern?

Speaker 92 Is that a people in Reddit think I have a fake accent?

Speaker 52 Oh, really?

Speaker 92 And it's

Speaker 92 and it's

Speaker 91 true. I speak really good English.

Speaker 76 You do?

Speaker 92 Can I try?

Speaker 20 Yeah, let's hear some of the really good English from Kansai Yasuda.

Speaker 97 who's very Asian and eats ramen all day.

Speaker 52 Hi,

Speaker 92 my name is

Speaker 92 and I speak really, really good English.

Speaker 101 My favorite color is blue, red, and white.

Speaker 103 Yes, it's pretty good.

Speaker 45 I mean, color.

Speaker 75 You said color in the middle of all that.

Speaker 68 I don't know if anybody else noticed that.

Speaker 73 If I said my favorite color, you'd be like, wow, Tony got Asian as fuck in the middle of that.

Speaker 92 It's perfect, Tony. I'm sorry for lying.

Speaker 22 It was almost, almost perfect.

Speaker 52 The color.

Speaker 101 My favorite color.

Speaker 62 My favorite colour. My favorite color.

Speaker 34 Watch, watch me say it, ready?

Speaker 50 Somehow, more Asian than all the times before that.

Speaker 107 My favorite.

Speaker 108 Color.

Speaker 12 You were so focused on the color that you forgot about favorite.

Speaker 75 Watch me one more time.

Speaker 16 It's getting more Asian, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 110 This is unprecedented what's happening here.

Speaker 111 We've never seen anything like it.

Speaker 15 He's getting more Asian while trying to sound less Asian.

Speaker 113 It is happening in front of our eyes.

Speaker 74 My favorite color is brutal.

Speaker 114 What are these extra beats?

Speaker 57 It's like you're skipping like a CD.

Speaker 50 Watch me one more time.

Speaker 110 It's literally like subtitles.

Speaker 106 Damn it. My favorite color.

Speaker 109 My favorite color is

Speaker 48 hard.

Speaker 46 Who thinks you are faking this Asian accent?

Speaker 92 I don't know.

Speaker 62 Other Asian people? Maybe.

Speaker 18 Other Asian people think you're faking your Asian accent.

Speaker 92 I don't know. Maybe

Speaker 92 people in Reddit.

Speaker 115 Oh,

Speaker 102 you love it. Reddit.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 93 Reddit. Reddit.

Speaker 81 Very, you say that well. Reddit.

Speaker 52 Okay, very good.

Speaker 22 That's enough. Shout outs for Reddit.

Speaker 72 Bitch, liberal psychopaths you're giving way too much attention to.

Speaker 76 So,

Speaker 95 Kansai, tell us about your actual life.

Speaker 99 What's new?

Speaker 19 What's different since the last time we saw you?

Speaker 92 Different.

Speaker 78 When you're thinking, we can hear a specific noise.

Speaker 121 When you go like that and you try to think of something.

Speaker 92 Long time ago,

Speaker 92 I was eating ramen

Speaker 92 alone in my den.

Speaker 92 And I met my girlfriend.

Speaker 10 Alright, what's been going on outside?

Speaker 92 What's going on, my life?

Speaker 92 I finished a tour. I finished a tour.

Speaker 96 A tour. A tour.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 81 Wait, how did you say it a tour oh very good a tour yeah a tour yeah and yeah i went back to my high school oh yeah

Speaker 92 i went to high school in philly oh tell you guys yeah

Speaker 92 philly roll philadelphia yeah the home of the philly roll

Speaker 97 yeah the philadelphia roll the yeah what are your thoughts on a philadelphia roll sushi with cream cheese and salmon

Speaker 92 that's not sushi it's a different type of sushi.

Speaker 98 It's American sushi, isn't it?

Speaker 92 Yeah, it's like a

Speaker 92 sushi burger.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 92 It's different.

Speaker 101 Yeah, but I like it.

Speaker 124 I fuck with it. I fuck with it.
Dog.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 118 Okay.

Speaker 72 So tell us about going back to your high school in Philly.

Speaker 125 What was that like?

Speaker 101 It was.

Speaker 92 Philly was not. I mean, it was my.

Speaker 92 I met my dean, counselor.

Speaker 92 He didn't remember me.

Speaker 102 You were probably on the honor roll there, right?

Speaker 105 Is that your favorite sushi in Philly?

Speaker 48 I will have a number three, the honor roll.

Speaker 92 I had to transfer that school because I got beat up.

Speaker 126 Whoa, Asian hate?

Speaker 81 No, my dad beat me up.

Speaker 52 Oh, perfect.

Speaker 10 That makes sense.

Speaker 50 What did he beat you up for?

Speaker 39 Getting a B?

Speaker 92 No, because

Speaker 92 I was hanging out with a bunch of black people in Philly.

Speaker 62 Oh, wow.

Speaker 92 My goodness. My dad didn't like it.

Speaker 61 If they don't beat you up, dad will.

Speaker 102 Dad will.

Speaker 105 So how did your dad find out you were hanging out with the blacks?

Speaker 118 Or as you call it, the bracks.

Speaker 102 The black.

Speaker 25 Black.

Speaker 92 I was Skyping with my dad.

Speaker 92 Skype, you guys remember?

Speaker 128 A Skype?

Speaker 84 Skype was a thing when you were in high school?

Speaker 101 Yeah, I was how old are you?

Speaker 60 I'm 29. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 92 Skype was the best thing ever.

Speaker 47 Wow, you guys must have had it first. You must have made it.

Speaker 129 Did you make it yourself?

Speaker 48 I don't know, maybe.

Speaker 83 I created a Skype so that it could talk to my phone around.

Speaker 5 It's hard in Japan, though, if you Skype the wrong person because it can take like two or three minutes to figure out that you're talking to someone you don't know.

Speaker 5 Is there pressure on you now that

Speaker 5 Japanese people are considered to be the best at baseball now? That's huge.

Speaker 11 Besaboro,

Speaker 41 you're all really good at baseball.

Speaker 5 You've dominated baseball. Like America got you with the nuclear weapons, but you're coming back with the World Series.

Speaker 78 Yeah, the nuclear energy seems to have created a lot of hit baseball players with extreme powers. They can pitch, they can hit, they can do everything.

Speaker 120 They're winning championships.

Speaker 130 We're seeing the

Speaker 49 fucking

Speaker 20 evolution of the Japanese baseball player.

Speaker 131 You guys used to be very small.

Speaker 78 We hit you with nuclear bombs.

Speaker 47 Now you're huge in hitting home runs.

Speaker 92 Thank you so much.

Speaker 92 Yeah,

Speaker 51 that is what we did.

Speaker 74 I appreciate it.

Speaker 124 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 129 I noticed in your set, you know,

Speaker 49 I've watched a lot of World World War II documentaries, but I didn't know a lot about Japan attacking China and that.

Speaker 21 That's a big part of it.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it's like a big part.

Speaker 38 I skip over that.

Speaker 66 That's the boring part.

Speaker 72 The Asian side of World War II.

Speaker 10 I'm like, who gives a fuck?

Speaker 75 It's like soccer to me.

Speaker 10 I'm like, I don't really care.

Speaker 49 I'll watch actual football.

Speaker 118 Let me see those Germans versus the fucking English over here.

Speaker 133 You know what I mean?

Speaker 117 What did the Japanese do to the Chinese?

Speaker 38 I'm sure our local historian James McKinney.

Speaker 5 It was a lot of lapes. There was a lot of laping.

Speaker 47 What the fuck are you saying?

Speaker 87 How do you have the thickest accent up here all of a sudden?

Speaker 4 What are you saying?

Speaker 89 There are a lot of lapages.

Speaker 21 What is that?

Speaker 60 Laping?

Speaker 76 What the fuck?

Speaker 60 We were laping all the women.

Speaker 3 Got it.

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 50 A lot of laping.

Speaker 5 A lot of laping. It was really, the Koreans are very upset about...
Oh, yes.

Speaker 134 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 92 Yeah, my dad is also.

Speaker 5 He's also upset about it.

Speaker 128 Yeah, he's Korean.

Speaker 135 Oh, yeah, so it's like they.

Speaker 77 Oh. Yeah.

Speaker 92 But my mom is Japanese.

Speaker 102 Oh, okay.

Speaker 5 If it's the other way around, people aren't too happy about that.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 92 But it was like, yeah.

Speaker 63 That's an unlikely pairing.

Speaker 93 Yeah. How did that happen?

Speaker 92 Yeah, so my dad didn't tell my mom that he was Korean.

Speaker 62 Oh.

Speaker 81 Seriously? Yeah.

Speaker 81 And they got married.

Speaker 63 I'm not from Japan. I was always like, I thought racism was just like white guys.
And then then I was like, I don't know why everyone thinks racism is exclusive to white guys.

Speaker 63 And there are like a person that was with us, she was like, that's true.

Speaker 137 We hate the Koreans. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 63 So, like, the fact that your parents did that, that's honorable.

Speaker 16 Thank you. It's good to see you.

Speaker 92 Thank you so much.

Speaker 131 So, are you the only child out of this Korean-Japanese bimbop

Speaker 92 family? Yeah.

Speaker 92 Yeah, just me. Just me.

Speaker 61 Wow, you're an only child.

Speaker 92 Yeah, and they had me late too.

Speaker 92 They were like 38

Speaker 90 years old when they had.

Speaker 60 How old?

Speaker 92 38 years old.

Speaker 62 Oh, I thought you said 78.

Speaker 25 That's what I thought you said.

Speaker 139 God, that accent is juicy tonight, Constantine.

Speaker 48 They were 78 when they heard of me.

Speaker 48 Jeff die.

Speaker 63 Wait, so your dad's Korean, your mom's Japanese, you flew in from Canada. You're wearing the Canadian bullshit there.

Speaker 119 You said you went to school in Philly?

Speaker 63 What the fuck's going on with you?

Speaker 25 Yeah,

Speaker 11 very confusing.

Speaker 92 So my dad was born in Japan,

Speaker 92 but he's kind of Korean.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 87 I don't know whether to call ice or rice right now.

Speaker 59 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 47 We're cracking a case right now.

Speaker 81 Then I was born in Japan as a baby.

Speaker 92 And then

Speaker 102 a little

Speaker 102 baby Bulgogi.

Speaker 134 A little baby bop. I was a baby.

Speaker 92 And then

Speaker 124 after that, I went to...

Speaker 92 I was really doing really bad in school.

Speaker 47 You were doing baby bop?

Speaker 77 Yeah, I was.

Speaker 49 Very bad?

Speaker 92 Very, very, I was doing very bad.

Speaker 92 I was very bad in school. And then

Speaker 92 I went to.

Speaker 92 And my parents sent me to school in Philly.

Speaker 5 It's like your life is the opposite of Tokyo Drift.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Like, the Japanese people sent you over to America to learn how to drive in a straight line.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 63 Also, how is school better in Philly than it is in

Speaker 92 it was like a detention school?

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 114 They're better at punishing you.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 92 There's a lot of black. And then.

Speaker 5 And then your dad was like, wait a minute, there's black guys here?

Speaker 74 I didn't know. I didn't know that.

Speaker 140 Let's go to Canada.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Where can we go where there are no bracks?

Speaker 49 Canada looking very

Speaker 25 all right. Kansai.

Speaker 141 Are you close with your family or is it like a normal Asian thing?

Speaker 49 Like, do you love your mom and everything?

Speaker 78 Do you love your mom?

Speaker 121 There you go. All right.

Speaker 49 All right. Very good.

Speaker 52 I have a.

Speaker 11 Red Band trying to shoehorn a love you long time audio joke.

Speaker 105 And you want to hit it again nice and clean.

Speaker 68 There you go, Red Band.

Speaker 63 I was wondering, because that was the worst question I've ever heard.

Speaker 106 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Does your mom love you?

Speaker 114 Loving your family?

Speaker 74 Does your mom love you a little bit or perhaps?

Speaker 68 Very good. All right, yes.

Speaker 50 Welcome to the

Speaker 118 lowest point in Kiltoni history, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 58 Kansai, this interview has gone on so long.

Speaker 19 You're so entertained.

Speaker 20 Oh, yes, go ahead.

Speaker 90 I have one more.

Speaker 90 Before I go. Yeah, before you go.

Speaker 128 I have a gift for you.

Speaker 115 Oh.

Speaker 128 I brought Brahmin.

Speaker 47 Where are you reaching for this gift?

Speaker 58 You're pulling it out like a samurai sword.

Speaker 77 Hold on.

Speaker 130 Oh my god.

Speaker 61 What is going on?

Speaker 85 Is it up your ass con site?

Speaker 12 Wow, you had it taped to your back.

Speaker 63 Yeah, how did you have it on there?

Speaker 118 What an amazing reveal.

Speaker 78 I can't wait to eat out of this bowl.

Speaker 54 Wow, it's a real Shinmin Tunda Ryuku Shinmin Toundao from Toronto.

Speaker 17 We've read the Yelp reviews. You made the place famous.

Speaker 31 Is it still packed all the time?

Speaker 145 Packed. Wow.

Speaker 72 Because of Kill Tony.

Speaker 57 And your girlfriend's making a lot of money, right?

Speaker 101 Yes.

Speaker 37 Wow.

Speaker 70 What's that? One of her black dildos?

Speaker 45 What do you got there?

Speaker 92 It's ramen.

Speaker 79 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 147 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 118 Oh, it's actual ramen?

Speaker 14 You brought ramen from Toronto?

Speaker 51 Oh, that is

Speaker 42 a crazy idea.

Speaker 51 It is hot.

Speaker 104 Oh, my God.

Speaker 67 Eight ounces of ramen for you.

Speaker 62 Steaming hot.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 75 Kansai, that is amazing.

Speaker 112 Is that real Ryokush Tondo Shinmin?

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 102 Wow.

Speaker 104 Oh my God.

Speaker 12 Oh, you have the toppings and everything.

Speaker 41 Wow.

Speaker 103 This is incredible.

Speaker 73 When was this made exactly?

Speaker 90 Two hours ago.

Speaker 146 Okay, but you made it?

Speaker 92 It was frozen.

Speaker 99 It was frozen order. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 92 You put it inside and it got really sweet.

Speaker 67 Yeah, that's a real thermos.

Speaker 137 That'll hold it pretty long.

Speaker 38 Yeah, it seems like it's really hot.

Speaker 147 You know what? Why don't you...

Speaker 20 I see what you're doing. Why don't you take it to the back and I'll eat it afterwards and I'll totally enjoy it.

Speaker 67 I'm glad I didn't ask.

Speaker 63 I saw a bump on your back when you did the bowing thing.

Speaker 79 Yeah.

Speaker 63 And I was like, I don't know, maybe he's got fucking scoliosis or something.

Speaker 63 And I'm so glad I didn't ask. That would have ruined everything.

Speaker 5 Tiny, it would be very dishonorable for you not to eat this.

Speaker 9 Let me have a bite of the fucking ramen.

Speaker 4 Get it over here.

Speaker 43 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 60 God.

Speaker 13 17 fucking minute-long interview over here.

Speaker 72 His accent's so thick, he's the most fun person to talk to.

Speaker 77 There's no soup. Okay.

Speaker 149 It's scorching hot, by the way.

Speaker 21 I mean, this is literally,

Speaker 118 I've never seen anything quite this hot before.

Speaker 105 Looks nothing like ramen. If I get food poisoning from this, I swear to God, I'm going to be very mad.

Speaker 92 Chopstick.

Speaker 122 All right, this is.

Speaker 48 This is for Red Band.

Speaker 78 Oh, extra noodle.

Speaker 49 Yeah, just noodle.

Speaker 92 You need diet.

Speaker 16 It'd be very dishonorable if you didn't eat that, Red Band.

Speaker 36 You guys all want a bite?

Speaker 150 There we go. We have a starving cat.

Speaker 74 For the best.

Speaker 137 I don't know what happened. Yeah, it's good.

Speaker 86 It is so good.

Speaker 9 One more time, plug it right down the barrel there where's uh where's the red light over there say the name of the restaurant okay for the last time

Speaker 9 very good that is Kansai Yasuda thank you

Speaker 42 representing Canada Japan Korea Philly and Austin Texas How about one more time for the great Kansai Yasuda?

Speaker 9 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Kansai.

Speaker 110 All right, to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 13 You guys probably know how this works.

Speaker 89 Booby give people the opportunity of a lifetime.

Speaker 13 We're probably the only show in the world in which anybody that signs up can get on the show.

Speaker 78 And here we go.

Speaker 58 Ladies and gentlemen, your first human being doing a minute of uninterrupted comedy out of the bucket.

Speaker 45 We're going to meet them all together.

Speaker 51 It goes by the name of Tariq Morales, everybody.

Speaker 110 Here we go.

Speaker 106 Tariq Morales.

Speaker 154 What's up guys? I talked to my mom recently and she said I should try being more black.

Speaker 154 And no matter what I do, it looks like I drive a Prius with a Hellcat sticker on it.

Speaker 154 People see me come and they're like, oh yeah, this guy knows both of his dads.

Speaker 154 I do know my dad. When I grew up with him, he would always give me fatherly advice.
He would always tell me,

Speaker 154 never fuck a bitch with your whole dick.

Speaker 154 Only give her half the dick or the bitch gonna go crazy.

Speaker 154 I had to be like, hey, dad, I'm 12.

Speaker 154 Also, are you talking about my mom, motherfucker?

Speaker 29 What you mean, half the dick?

Speaker 154 That's my mom, bro.

Speaker 154 Give her the whole dick, right? I don't know.

Speaker 25 All right. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Tariq Morales.

Speaker 62 Very fun. Very good.

Speaker 155 Great stuff. Nice to meet you.

Speaker 57 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 154 It's actually like a year this month.

Speaker 147 Where at? All here in Austin?

Speaker 156 Boise, Idaho.

Speaker 130 Boise, Idaho.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 20 Wow. Are you the closest thing to a black guy that they have there?

Speaker 47 This is it.

Speaker 119 We hit it, dude.

Speaker 154 This is as black as it goes. Wow.

Speaker 46 And are you mixed?

Speaker 154 Yeah, I'm half black, half Puerto Rican.

Speaker 49 Okay.

Speaker 65 All right.

Speaker 49 Yeah, clap it up, yeah.

Speaker 73 And the Idaho.

Speaker 34 And the Idaho means you're somehow half white, too.

Speaker 47 It's very exciting.

Speaker 154 Yeah, it's a Malcolm X and Malcolm in the middle situation.

Speaker 70 Yes, Malcolm X in the middle, one would say.

Speaker 10 That's how you should say that from now on.

Speaker 34 So let me ask you, Tariq, your dad is black, mom's Puerto Rican?

Speaker 154 Mom's black. Dad's Puerto Rican, but I grew up with my stepfather.
He's black.

Speaker 93 Black as hell. Yeah.

Speaker 81 Right.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 17 When you say black as hell, can you give us an example of exactly what you mean?

Speaker 154 Yeah, sure. He, like,

Speaker 154 a little bit of that, not too much of that.

Speaker 154 He would take like massive shits when I was a kid.

Speaker 48 Oh. Okay.

Speaker 154 Chain smoke Newports at the same time.

Speaker 57 It could have been any race until you hit the Newports then.

Speaker 154 Yeah, and then he'd make me stand there so he had someone to talk to.

Speaker 12 Oh, this is pre-cell phone?

Speaker 154 This is pre-cell phone. Wow.
It's like a fucked up way of getting pavloved and into liking the smell of shit and cigarettes.

Speaker 127 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 77 Incredible. That's him.
Yeah.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 20 And what do you think the blackest thing about you is?

Speaker 154 Really impressed by close-up magic?

Speaker 119 Wow.

Speaker 85 Amazing answer.

Speaker 69 That is correct.

Speaker 72 It completely checks out.

Speaker 138 If you had to guess what the whitest thing about you is, even though you're not really white, the Idaho really has you speaking perfect English.

Speaker 64 Ah, fuck.

Speaker 154 I know like almost all the lyrics to Mr. Brightside, that's

Speaker 21 amazing. You're Andrew Osmosis.
I didn't know. Checks out.
That's white.

Speaker 47 And if you had to guess what the most Puerto Rican thing about you is, what would that be?

Speaker 62 You also can't vote? Yeah.

Speaker 62 Oh, okay. Puerto Ricans can't vote.

Speaker 85 Okay, I thought you were going to say you don't recycle.

Speaker 118 They have a recycling problem there.

Speaker 87 Got me in trouble a year ago.

Speaker 74 Turns out I was one of the only people that knew about it.

Speaker 87 Anyway, James McCann.

Speaker 5 Thankfully, there was a don't vote solution for you as well. There was a what? Well, they don't vote.
That was also good.

Speaker 138 Don't vote.

Speaker 5 I was being silly. I'll do some close-up magic to make up for it.

Speaker 110 Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 8 What do you got? Whoa.

Speaker 35 That's his cell phone.

Speaker 51 How'd you get his

Speaker 49 wow

Speaker 32 that's a microphone all the way down his throat there Tariq what do you do for work?

Speaker 154 I used to work at Omni I was up there doing Omni shit and then now I work from home the hotel?

Speaker 90 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 61 What did you what were you doing at the hotel?

Speaker 154 Front desk guy horrible. I was doing so bad and I had to get a new job.

Speaker 71 Can you give us an example of the worst thing you ever did at that job?

Speaker 154 Apart from like not doing it, I don't know. I saw

Speaker 154 there was an old white man who gave his grandson to like a Mexican lady that worked at the daycare, and then he just forgot.

Speaker 154 And so he comes to the front desk and he's like, There's been an abduction, there's been an abduction. I'm like, just because she's Mexican, you know, easy.

Speaker 154 And yeah, we had to like show him the video of him passing his grandson off to the lady and it was like, wow. That was the craziest thing.
I don't know.

Speaker 61 Wow.

Speaker 95 Did that remind you of what your father did to you back in the day?

Speaker 154 Passed me off to my mother.

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 19 What happened to the original Puerto Rican father?

Speaker 154 Oh, man, he was a drunk guy in the military, and he got kicked out eventually.

Speaker 61 You don't communicate with him at all anymore? Not much, no.

Speaker 154 I haven't talked to him in years.

Speaker 40 Okay.

Speaker 95 Why is that? You just don't.

Speaker 154 I don't know. I just feel like I don't really need a dad right now, you know? That's true.
You know, you kind of missed the window on the dad part.

Speaker 60 Uh-huh. So, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 93 When I need a daddy alcohol for sure.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 72 But you consider your stepdad your actual dad.

Speaker 34 And if you had to guess what age you were the last time he made you stay in the bathroom while he shits and smokes Newports, what are we talking about?

Speaker 72 Was this like last Christmas or something?

Speaker 154 17, yeah.

Speaker 77 Wow, yeah.

Speaker 100 Oh my god, that is incredible.

Speaker 125 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 4 yeah.

Speaker 98 That's amazing, Tree.

Speaker 31 Anything else we should know about you? What do you have any special skills or talents or anything?

Speaker 154 I don't know. I've been getting into gongs lately.
Dude, I've got a, I just bought a gong.

Speaker 90 A gong. Yeah, a gong.

Speaker 124 Like an Asian instrument?

Speaker 154 Yeah, 28-inch Vietnamese gong.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 90 Wow. So stoked about it.

Speaker 16 We should have started with that.

Speaker 16 All this dad talk.

Speaker 63 It's way more interesting that you're into gongs.

Speaker 4 I'm into gongs.

Speaker 154 Yeah, they're badass. One of the oldest instruments.
Yeah. I keep it on me.
It's in my car right now. It's great.
I fucking love that thing.

Speaker 51 What do you do with the gong exactly?

Speaker 93 Hit it.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 4 You just.

Speaker 118 Yeah, yeah, it's awesome.

Speaker 21 Yeah, it's sweet.

Speaker 154 You got two dragons on it.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 60 It's incredible.

Speaker 61 We have black Puerto Ricans playing the gong, and we have Japanese Koreans in Philly.

Speaker 2 Something's really backwards about the beginning of this episode.

Speaker 47 James McCann.

Speaker 5 Since Red Band had so many gong sound effects ready to go with the Asian fella, and with you, I see him over there scrambling, trying to get the gong.

Speaker 68 He does.

Speaker 105 He has an entire set of gongs. You wouldn't believe it.

Speaker 74 Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

Speaker 5 Well, you better not hit too many of those gongs, gongs, or Red Band's going to think it's time for dinner.

Speaker 24 I'm sorry.

Speaker 73 Tariq, I love your style.

Speaker 57 Sign up again.

Speaker 82 How long you in town for?

Speaker 154 I live here now.

Speaker 34 Congratulations. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 9 Tariq Morales has made his Kill Tony debut. There's a big joke book.

Speaker 142 All right, let's keep it moving along.

Speaker 103 A little update, a little fun fact for you.

Speaker 9 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 12 Yeah, the great Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 105 HeidiRegina.com to catch the new podcast Lub on the line.

Speaker 14 She is hot.

Speaker 72 She's hot, everybody.

Speaker 13 A little update for you.

Speaker 68 My stomach is already oddly rumbling from the single bite of ramen that I had.

Speaker 64 I may have it. Okay.

Speaker 38 Something to keep an eye on as the show goes on.

Speaker 105 It's only been five minutes.

Speaker 44 Perhaps a bite of frozen Toronto ramen wasn't the best idea.

Speaker 14 It's been taped to somebody's back.

Speaker 68 Anyway, let's keep it moving along here.

Speaker 42 Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Diego Del Gadillo, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 157 What's up, guys?

Speaker 3 You guys look confused.

Speaker 157 You heard my name. You're like, oh, the kitchen staff can put their name in the bucket.

Speaker 91 I didn't know that.

Speaker 157 I know, man. I'm trying to figure things out, learning a lot.
I just found out that if you ask enough questions in an Uber, you get a free Quran.

Speaker 157 I know, dude. I went to three Qurans this week.
I started making a game to see how many questions it takes until I get a Quran.

Speaker 158 Turns out you don't even need to ask that many questions.

Speaker 157 The other day, I walked into Uber, just like stressed out enough. I sat down, I just went,

Speaker 157 He turned around, he's like, My brother, what's wrong?

Speaker 91 I was like, I don't know, man. Just

Speaker 135 all these people eating pork and shit.

Speaker 157 It's really stressing me out. He handed me one off principal.

Speaker 157 Oh, man, going through some things with my family. I got a cousin that does OnlyFans.

Speaker 157 Which I honestly, I found out and I was proud of her. I was like, if you cousin, do what you need to, make money.
I get it. Then I found out she was charging me full price.

Speaker 157 What's up with that, cousin? You don't have no discounts, no promo codes. It's cool, though.
We worked it out. She sent me two different websites called OnlyFriends and Family.

Speaker 62 That one's for us.

Speaker 50 Diego Del Gadillo.

Speaker 103 Am I saying that right?

Speaker 42 Diego Del Gadillo?

Speaker 32 What a cool name.

Speaker 47 What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 91 I'm Mexican and Colombian.

Speaker 62 Oh, wow.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 62 Welcome, Diego.

Speaker 70 How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 128 Like four years. Where at?

Speaker 91 San Diego and then New York.

Speaker 147 Okay, you live in New York now?

Speaker 157 No.

Speaker 157 I mean, okay, I've been living here for like three months, but I've been living with my girlfriend. She's kind kind of kicking me out.
Ooh. No, it's not like that.

Speaker 135 She's just like, you don't, you need a job.

Speaker 19 But you don't want to get a job, do you?

Speaker 157 I don't, my, I need one. It's bad.

Speaker 82 When's the last time you had a job?

Speaker 158 August 28th.

Speaker 36 What happened on that date?

Speaker 50 That shall live in infamy by the way you responded.

Speaker 118 I mean, that is an exact date.

Speaker 140 I moved here.

Speaker 157 I mean, I flew here.

Speaker 93 I took a flight here.

Speaker 139 Okay, what job did you have before?

Speaker 157 I was a barista.

Speaker 139 In New York? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 98 How long were you a barista for?

Speaker 90 A year.

Speaker 60 Okay.

Speaker 17 What did you do before that?

Speaker 90 Anything?

Speaker 135 I was a news producer.

Speaker 91 I produced local news in San Diego.

Speaker 95 Oh, wow.

Speaker 22 What did you learn from that job?

Speaker 37 Let people know how the news works.

Speaker 157 I was 19 years old telling the whole county what was up.

Speaker 27 I shouldn't have been doing that.

Speaker 157 I was lying sometimes. My boss would be like, you sure this happened?

Speaker 91 Be like, Yeah, you're good. You're good.
Just run it.

Speaker 158 They had me translating shit.

Speaker 91 I don't speak Spanish.

Speaker 157 I speak Spanish, but not enough to be like translating for the news to be

Speaker 39 broadcast. How old are you, Diego Del Gadill?

Speaker 91 I'm 22.

Speaker 159 22 years old. Look at you.

Speaker 93 And how long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 90 Four years.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 91 So you started at 18.

Speaker 157 Yeah, like graduating high school.

Speaker 81 Incredible.

Speaker 91 And when did you move to New York to do that?

Speaker 91 Last August 28th.

Speaker 12 You move every August 28th?

Speaker 25 We'll see how it goes.

Speaker 157 It's looking like November 1st or December 1st right now for here.

Speaker 79 We'll see.

Speaker 61 Why? What's going on here? Not working out?

Speaker 157 It's not not working out, but like, you know, new city. My girlfriend's getting tired of me.

Speaker 61 But your girlfriend's in New York?

Speaker 160 No, she's here.

Speaker 53 She lives in Austin.

Speaker 75 She came with you.

Speaker 28 She lived here. She lived here.

Speaker 25 That's why I came here.

Speaker 38 Okay. What does she do?

Speaker 91 She works in commercial production.

Speaker 97 And she wants you to get a job.

Speaker 61 how long

Speaker 39 how long have you been here again like three months three months and have you paid any rent or anything

Speaker 90 no

Speaker 27 which is like it's a good thing right

Speaker 81 we got a good thing going

Speaker 5 sounds like you it's kind of gone James McCain you're gonna want to be careful next August 28th because you've gone from presenting the news on television to making coffee for people to I was making more money next to homelessness well still still, there's pride and dignity in both of those things, I'm sure.

Speaker 15 But

Speaker 5 I mean, what happens next August 28th? You just head down to the bridge and get to work.

Speaker 160 I'm going blue collar. Next year,

Speaker 157 blue collar 2026.

Speaker 25 Who's in?

Speaker 68 What does that mean to you exactly?

Speaker 91 Something

Speaker 157 where I'm working in the, what do you got? Blue collar. You guys got like hammers and shit.

Speaker 32 Are you doing crowd work right now?

Speaker 48 Are you like asking humans in the audience for a job?

Speaker 27 Yeah, actually, if anyone is hiring, anybody here.

Speaker 5 You know, you'll want to go down to Home Depot because there's less people there now.

Speaker 93 So you will stand out.

Speaker 91 That's a good call.

Speaker 51 Have you tried a coffee?

Speaker 48 You feel good about it?

Speaker 157 I honestly, I brought resumes. They made me leave them at the door.
They were like, you can't bring them in.

Speaker 85 You brought resumes here?

Speaker 47 Not really.

Speaker 63 You got to hide it under your shirt with a bunch of fucking noodles.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 54 So what has your girlfriend said to you exactly?

Speaker 119 Like, it's pretty consistent. Every Friday, she's like, so?

Speaker 157 You got a job yet?

Speaker 81 Are you banging her?

Speaker 117 You going down on her? Are you pleasing her?

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 135 Are you sure?

Speaker 133 No.

Speaker 27 No, so I'm giving you, like, the worst performances ever. Yeah.
Like, it's pretty laughable.

Speaker 125 Tell us about it.

Speaker 21 Describe it to us.

Speaker 49 I'm like...

Speaker 157 I'm thinking, like, okay, let's get her off. Then she'll leave me alone about the rent situation.

Speaker 99 Uh-huh.

Speaker 81 What are you doing? I'm fucking...

Speaker 157 I'm thinking, I thought I was going to like fingering. I'm not.

Speaker 114 Show us

Speaker 157 a person on the iPhone, just fucking general movements.

Speaker 12 That's how you do it?

Speaker 122 With your palm?

Speaker 137 No, no, no. These fingers leave.

Speaker 50 Show us exactly how you do it.

Speaker 135 No, come here. No, come here.
I just want to talk.

Speaker 47 Oh, she's across the room from you still.

Speaker 109 You got to get her over there.

Speaker 136 That's usually how it starts.

Speaker 67 Baby!

Speaker 67 Yoohoo!

Speaker 25 Come here.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 19 Alright, now let's say she's there.

Speaker 159 Then what do you do?

Speaker 28 I just want to talk.

Speaker 157 I just want to talk.

Speaker 62 No, it's fine.

Speaker 25 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 57 I see why she wants you out.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 69 This is crazy.

Speaker 73 I just want to talk, baby.

Speaker 39 Wow, Diego Delgadillo.

Speaker 61 I thought Latino men were known for being romantic lovemakers.

Speaker 157 No, we're known for lying.

Speaker 4 Oh, okay. Are you kidding me?

Speaker 5 Come on, even I am offended by that.

Speaker 62 You're what he's doing.

Speaker 62 Are you?

Speaker 5 Have the Hispanic community not suffered enough without you coming out here and calling their fingering into disrepute?

Speaker 162 Yeah, we're suffering because we lie.

Speaker 27 It's because we lie.

Speaker 5 Why don't you lie and tell her you've got a job? Then maybe she'll come.

Speaker 135 Bring her a W-2, baby. Look what I got.

Speaker 50 Well, Diego, hopefully you finger it out real soon.

Speaker 17 Here is a medium-sized jokebook.

Speaker 14 Welcome to Austin, Diego.

Speaker 61 We'll see you around soon.

Speaker 68 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 42 Diego Delgadillo.

Speaker 82 It'll be interesting to get an update from him next time he signs up.

Speaker 87 Because I don't think the girl's going to go for that much longer.

Speaker 80 I don't think he's...

Speaker 105 You know.

Speaker 47 Alright, we'll see.

Speaker 105 There's a one-word name coming up.

Speaker 14 This should be interesting. Make some noise for Frank, everybody.

Speaker 155 Frank is next on Kiltoni.

Speaker 163 So I've recently been on the internet dating and

Speaker 163 it's been an African-American female that I've been hanging out with.

Speaker 164 And she's about as Caucasian as they come.

Speaker 163 And so I introduced her to my family

Speaker 158 just straight down the middle

Speaker 163 until about I don't know five days ago

Speaker 9 we were making love and she she she said oh

Speaker 163 and it was the first it was the first time at that moment I realized that there was something deep inside that had not been released yet

Speaker 7 but you've woken up a monster since last time because you motherfuckers on Reddit are unbelievable.

Speaker 163 The death threats and shit that you gave me priceless worst bucket pull you've woken up a monster at you have no idea i wasn't even entertaining comedy until now it's it this is for you motherfuckers

Speaker 62 frank

Speaker 114 no one

Speaker 16 no one even remembers you

Speaker 3 I begged a difference.

Speaker 114 No one remembered.

Speaker 89 We didn't even remember you.

Speaker 149 You had another chance.

Speaker 33 I don't even know what happened last time you were on.

Speaker 49 And you're out here like some kind of gangster rapper like y'all motherfuckers thought you could hold me back But like you're like a gangster rapper that didn't rhyme or didn't have a beat or anything because you didn't really do any jokes this time like you had us you had us at the oh You we were waiting for a joke you fucking you had like a you had like a left jab that was set up and then nothing and then you're like and by the way to you motherfuckers on Reddit Fuck all y'all Like, of course they're gonna say that if it went anything like this.

Speaker 15 You wait till you see what they say this time.

Speaker 3 I don't even know what happened last time.

Speaker 107 None of us remember you.

Speaker 87 Okay,

Speaker 144 I was the most least or the least interesting guy on stage that you that you claimed Does anybody remember this happens twice in episode the whole band literally the band and never before have me red band and the band not remembered a human being It was whatever you did was so terrible that we like men in blacked ourselves like fucking

Speaker 3 Can you take us through through?

Speaker 114 Can you remind.

Speaker 17 Let's check in with Jeff Dye and James McCain.

Speaker 11 Maybe it was the most forgettable game poll ever.

Speaker 70 Yeah, you're like the opposite of 9-11.

Speaker 166 You're like August 28th.

Speaker 16 What the fuck is going on here?

Speaker 86 James McCain.

Speaker 5 We'll remember this one.

Speaker 49 I like this one.

Speaker 5 30 seconds of stand-up, 30 seconds of responding to death threats.

Speaker 11 This is an art form.

Speaker 4 I think that's good.

Speaker 11 I think lean into that.

Speaker 51 Death threats.

Speaker 63 Also, was anyone else genuinely kind of like, oh, he might pull a gun out or something?

Speaker 16 Yeah. Like, there was a little...

Speaker 16 Like, I love you, buddy.

Speaker 63 But I was like, oh, fuck, I'm not going to look.

Speaker 142 There was a period of time where he was just straight performing in my eyes, and I have to remind them that there's 300 fucking humans this way.

Speaker 5 You were just performing for me.

Speaker 146 You got to look at them.

Speaker 53 You think I'm the guy from Reddit?

Speaker 165 I'm Cracker Barrel Kid 55.

Speaker 79 What?

Speaker 162 Cracker Barrel Kid 55.

Speaker 44 Okay.

Speaker 51 Okay.

Speaker 142 What does this all mean?

Speaker 5 Did you plan on coming out and responding to them and you held yourself back for a while?

Speaker 163 Yeah, it was the longest that I could.

Speaker 5 What was the snap? What caused you to...

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 78 What exactly was the death threat that you think you got?

Speaker 81 They...

Speaker 162 Well, it's a different crowd, obviously, but

Speaker 165 I should have maybe kept that in mind.

Speaker 25 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 165 Not well thought out.

Speaker 68 I love all of you.

Speaker 34 D-Madness just went to post on Reddit right now.

Speaker 144 And he's literally never read anything his whole life.

Speaker 9 But he's going to start right now. Jeff died.

Speaker 63 Doesn't a little part of you kind of get it, though?

Speaker 119 These Reddit motherfuckers are putting me.

Speaker 87 I mean, yeah, if you look at it. Yeah.

Speaker 58 I mean, if you look under a rock, you'll find bugs.

Speaker 163 I had never gone on Reddit. I didn't know that there was a Kill Tony Reddit where people just...

Speaker 166 So wait, so then what are you even referencing?

Speaker 163 All of my friends and family that watched the video and reached out to me because the whole crowd booed me the entire time.

Speaker 133 No, no, don't start that.

Speaker 130 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 18 What did you say or do the last time that was this terrible?

Speaker 162 I was short-witted or I wasn't quick to I wasn't quick to answer your prompts and you had put me on the spot several times and I was yeah, it's an interview.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 141 You're doing good this time.

Speaker 31 Was there a reason why you couldn't answer my questions last time?

Speaker 163 Yeah, I just spent 25 days alone in Idaho with a...

Speaker 70 There was a guy from Idaho here just a moment ago who did just fine.

Speaker 18 He lives in Boise.

Speaker 57 He's half Puerto Rican, half black.

Speaker 62 How about half white?

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 130 Idaho isn't an excuse, buddy.

Speaker 163 No, I just, I had been, I had been speaking for 24 hours before getting on this stage. I hadn't said another word.

Speaker 166 Do you have any jokes?

Speaker 46 Did you prepare a joke for this?

Speaker 149 Who wants to hear a joke from Frank, everybody?

Speaker 9 Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, doing his first joke of the night.

Speaker 48 It's Frank.

Speaker 163 What kind of jeans does a ghost wear?

Speaker 10 What kind?

Speaker 94 Boo jeans.

Speaker 122 You really set himself up for that one.

Speaker 140 You literally have the word boo in your punchline.

Speaker 5 They're saying boo.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 103 They're big fans of the joke.

Speaker 42 They want you to make merch.

Speaker 149 They want you to make merch.

Speaker 127 Boo.

Speaker 156 They love the joke.

Speaker 47 Yes, they do.

Speaker 51 Them saying?

Speaker 47 Yes, they do.

Speaker 47 Jeff died.

Speaker 63 Can you explain the joke that you bailed on about the

Speaker 63 you were? I thought you were suggesting the woman you had sex with that went, ooh, that that had awoken a monster. But then, no, you were saying that they have awoken a monster.
Yeah.

Speaker 63 Let's get back to that girl you were fucking.

Speaker 114 Yeah.

Speaker 117 Are you sure she didn't say boo?

Speaker 4 Maybe.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 107 Frank, have you been practicing stand-up at all?

Speaker 99 This is my

Speaker 163 second time.

Speaker 17 Your first time was on Keltoni?

Speaker 48 Yeah.

Speaker 54 Frank, you have to try this other places.

Speaker 163 I understand that.

Speaker 163 I've been watching the show, and I ran here.

Speaker 97 Why did you run?

Speaker 79 Why didn't you walk?

Speaker 163 I ran eight miles and stopped in for a pint at Shakespeare's, put my name in.

Speaker 34 Wait, you were just having a drink at Shakespeare's and you're like, sure, I'll sign up.

Speaker 81 Well, I mean, I've been watching the show.

Speaker 153 I love comedy.

Speaker 25 I love everything that this stance.

Speaker 137 You're getting more interesting, I'll be honest. Yeah.

Speaker 12 Do you really have a black girlfriend?

Speaker 79 No.

Speaker 127 Oh, wow.

Speaker 9 Amazing.

Speaker 25 Frank,

Speaker 48 I know.

Speaker 78 Frank thinks this is like his like get or done.

Speaker 17 Frank thinks the boo is them being is you guys liking him.

Speaker 81 They like you.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 12 Frank, you have to try other places.

Speaker 17 You have to get good at this. You can't just be the guy that people love to hate on Kill Tony.

Speaker 99 I understand that.

Speaker 20 Okay, what did your friends and...

Speaker 5 But Tony, that's gone pretty well for you on the Reddit.

Speaker 5 What? It was a silly joke. You said you can't be the guy people love to hate on Kill Tony.
And I was... Hey, listen, we're all having fun.

Speaker 49 Yeah, all right.

Speaker 5 We're all having fun. You've got the fight, in you.

Speaker 5 You've got a terrible work ethic, but look at you.

Speaker 5 I think you could be something.

Speaker 53 You said that your friends and family reached out to you after your appearance on the show.

Speaker 95 What did your family say about your performance?

Speaker 86 Did mom or dad talk about it?

Speaker 61 Mom, what did mom say?

Speaker 163 She initially was not a fan of the crowd because she blamed the crowd too?

Speaker 140 No, no, it was. Yeah, well, yeah, because she's

Speaker 47 it runs in your jeans, your boo jeans.

Speaker 162 No, they just reached out because it was my first time and it was terrible.

Speaker 163 I mean, it was just...

Speaker 79 Frank, Frank, drink.

Speaker 163 I can't imagine it being worse than that.

Speaker 99 Yeah, I think it was.

Speaker 19 I can't imagine it being...

Speaker 97 Frank, did I give you a little joke book last time you were on?

Speaker 91 Yes, you did. I did.

Speaker 52 Yeah.

Speaker 161 Do you have it on you?

Speaker 61 Can I have it back?

Speaker 42 Red Band's got a great idea.

Speaker 9 Do you have it on you?

Speaker 78 I want you to bring it back.

Speaker 57 I want you to leave it at the ticket booth of the mothership next chance you get.

Speaker 164 You're the first person in the history of the show that I've ever repoed the little chokebook.

Speaker 12 Frank, you have to do this other places.

Speaker 82 If you plan on coming back, you have to do at least three to five open mics somewhere else.

Speaker 34 This isn't just do fucking kill Tony.

Speaker 34 A lot of people spend a lot of time, there's tons of people in this bucket whose passion in life is this, and they're waiting to get pulled and be a star, and you're clunking it up for them because it's just a bucket.

Speaker 34 You're taking an opportunity from someone that's truly ready and prepared.

Speaker 9 There goes Frank, everybody, with absolutely nothing. He has to return his little joke book for the first time in the history of the show.

Speaker 14 12 and a half years we've been doing this show.

Speaker 39 The first man to return a little joke book.

Speaker 13 I got bad news for you. It's another one-word name, but as you know, anything can happen.

Speaker 75 If you thought Frank was bad you may love the comedy stylings of Bob everybody here comes Bob everyone

Speaker 104 uh oh we know Bob

Speaker 24 what a very beautiful audience you all are

Speaker 91 everyone is beautiful in the dark and in the rain

Speaker 24 When you look at me, you may be thinking I know where the good stuff is.

Speaker 24 I don't know where anything is.

Speaker 24 Whenever I go anywhere, I make sure I sign the guest book. You, sir, you may never know when you'll need an alibi.

Speaker 24 Whenever I cross the street, I look one direction

Speaker 24 and then I pretend to be a squirrel and I go for it.

Speaker 24 I really like excitement.

Speaker 28 I dated a short bisexual woman, and she said to me, I want to tell you something, but I don't want you to get upset.

Speaker 24 What I have to say is a really good thing. It's really good.

Speaker 25 She said to me that I eat pussy like a girl.

Speaker 24 So I've got that going for me.

Speaker 41 fuck yeah Bob

Speaker 103 welcome back Bob it's been a while I remember you three years

Speaker 39 been three years signing up for three years I remember you've been signing up for three years continuously

Speaker 53 continuously and this is your first time on in three years I just changed my name that's Bob in a way fucking people wait what do you mean it changed what do you mean you what was your name before it's Robert Robert.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 25 Went back to Bob.

Speaker 44 Oh my god, you got lucky.

Speaker 54 This is your first time going back to Bob?

Speaker 24 Yeah, first time.

Speaker 78 Unbelievable.

Speaker 15 What are the odds?

Speaker 18 I wish Frank would change his name and not get pulled again.

Speaker 3 I don't want to be frank with you.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 78 I can't be frank with you.

Speaker 68 I love that.

Speaker 36 You're not Frank at all.

Speaker 34 You have punchlines.

Speaker 57 You're one of the funniest Native American comedians we've ever had on this show.

Speaker 120 What ethnicity are you, Bob?

Speaker 24 I'm 100% Slovakian, but my mom lied a lot.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 38 There it is. The squawking eagle means that you are indeed Slovakian.

Speaker 48 I love eagles.

Speaker 78 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 92 What do you love about them?

Speaker 24 They're at different heights. Above all the shit.

Speaker 161 You're the man, Bob.

Speaker 24 Thanks, Tony.

Speaker 143 What do you do for work, Bob?

Speaker 24 I'm a world champion handyman, but I'm transferring into a new trade right now.

Speaker 167 What's the new trade?

Speaker 24 I'm giving it my fourth try. I'm starting a beverage company.
I've failed at it three times. I'm doing my fourth now.

Speaker 132 What is the beverage that you're making?

Speaker 24 It's a top secret at the moment, but it's every form of beverage you can imagine with some twists you'll never imagine.

Speaker 127 Wow.

Speaker 57 There's a lot of imagination there. It's every beverage mixed together?

Speaker 24 Everything you can imagine imaginable.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 24 All right. Pretty stoked.
I've been decking out this warehouse for it.

Speaker 24 I think I'm three weeks out, maybe.

Speaker 161 Do you have oomba loompas working for you or anything like that?

Speaker 24 I have other ultra personalities working.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 52 I love it.

Speaker 95 I can't wait to drink some.

Speaker 167 I'll drink.

Speaker 21 wash down some of that ramen with it for sure.

Speaker 70 Are you feeling the ramen a little bit?

Speaker 81 Smelling it.

Speaker 105 What do you mean you're smelling it?

Speaker 139 What do you mean? Have you farted?

Speaker 87 No, I haven't farted.

Speaker 105 I have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 57 No, I have not been farting continuously throughout the show.

Speaker 68 I'm not suffering from food poisoning right now and just plowing through it because I'm an unbelievable host.

Speaker 66 The adrenaline takes over, perhaps, every once in a while.

Speaker 62 No, all right.

Speaker 34 And anyway, my farts smell like hibiscus and eucalyptus, by the way, so you don't have to worry about that.

Speaker 62 Okay, so Frank, Bob, Bob. Not Frank.

Speaker 105 I know, you're not Frank.

Speaker 70 How many times have I called you Frank?

Speaker 146 Any just once. Okay, perfect.
Bob. Bob.

Speaker 97 What do you do for work?

Speaker 138 How do you survive?

Speaker 95 How do you make money?

Speaker 24 I can fix or build anything.

Speaker 117 What's the craziest thing you've ever built?

Speaker 24 A Chinese pedicab.

Speaker 146 You built a pedicab?

Speaker 24 Yeah. I've retrofitted a pedicab with some electric batteries.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 24 Yeah, it's pretty dope. I'll be driving it out next week.
You'll see it.

Speaker 68 You haven't done that yet either.

Speaker 66 It hasn't been driven yet.

Speaker 99 Oh, yeah, it has.

Speaker 24 I drove it today. I tested it.
I actually just got the battery in today.

Speaker 62 Do you pedicab?

Speaker 93 No, God, no.

Speaker 66 Oh, Jesus. No.

Speaker 81 All right. Why not?

Speaker 24 I have other things to do.

Speaker 39 Like what?

Speaker 24 I pay quite quite well.

Speaker 62 Like what?

Speaker 90 Like do electrical, plumbing,

Speaker 24 you name it.

Speaker 97 You do it all, huh? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 99 What's your love life like, Bob?

Speaker 52 What?

Speaker 24 It's dry. That's why I like the rain.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 93 Do you have your electrical license?

Speaker 52 No.

Speaker 106 No, he's completely unlicensed.

Speaker 50 This is a guy that's making a beverage with everything mixed together.

Speaker 66 That's right.

Speaker 99 Wow.

Speaker 34 What else would we be surprised to know about you, Bob? You seem...

Speaker 49 How old are you?

Speaker 24 I have no concept of time.

Speaker 105 You seem like you could have fought in every war that's ever happened.

Speaker 70 Vietnam, civil, the

Speaker 69 Mexican-Indian War, the Comanches versus the Apaches, perhaps.

Speaker 24 I actually feel that I was a pirate at some point.

Speaker 24 I have have a ship on international waters and I have Amazon women guarding my ship right now.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 24 But then I change them out every nine months because they're all impregnated after

Speaker 24 and then I ship put them to the homelands and I bring in another crew.

Speaker 24 Wow.

Speaker 66 Bob, you are amazing.

Speaker 129 You're so stoic in your delivery. You're such an interesting man.

Speaker 21 So crisp.

Speaker 24 That's a very crisp crisp delivery the way you said that.

Speaker 24 The way you kept your cheekbones up high.

Speaker 45 I can't help that, Bob.

Speaker 57 I can't help my cheekbones, Bob.

Speaker 115 Talk about

Speaker 8 Red Dan.

Speaker 64 Red Dan.

Speaker 87 I can't believe a fart noise gets that type of roaring.

Speaker 107 Just a roaring laugh.

Speaker 34 This is the fan base that I've...

Speaker 68 that I've accumulated.

Speaker 87 All right, Red Ban, go to... Okay, very good.

Speaker 10 You know you're not allowed to have two fart noises in episode.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 37 Bob, give us one more fun fact about your life.

Speaker 24 I shoot, for fun, I shoot Roadkill.

Speaker 79 Wow.

Speaker 25 Yeah, like I go for a leisurely drive, and look ahead.

Speaker 24 There's a dead crow on the side of the street. So I pull out of my car, and I look at the crow.
And it reminds me of my second grade school teacher, Mrs. Crow.

Speaker 24 She used to pull me out of the chair by my ear and stick me in the corner. So I get out of the car and I shoot Mrs.
Crow with my little cannon.

Speaker 24 I love animals.

Speaker 24 I shot her with a cannon camera.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 19 Bob, you are something else.

Speaker 68 Congratulations on getting pulled again.

Speaker 70 Did you have fun?

Speaker 24 It was a riot. Thanks, Tony.
It was great to see you again. Last time I saw you was San Antonio.

Speaker 19 San Antonio.

Speaker 58 We did a Kill Tony there?

Speaker 24 You did a show there.

Speaker 105 I did stand-up there.

Speaker 66 Yeah. And

Speaker 38 you went to... This is my son, my son.

Speaker 62 Oh, nice.

Speaker 24 Yeah, you met my son at that time.

Speaker 77 I did. Yeah, you did.

Speaker 62 Okay. Little Bear.

Speaker 102 He remembered you, yeah.

Speaker 41 Red Bam.

Speaker 160 Well,

Speaker 34 here's a big joke book for you, Bob, just because I like your style. Here you go.

Speaker 62 Boom.

Speaker 9 There he is. The return of Bob, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 72 All right, it's a real interesting

Speaker 118 set of bucket pools so far.

Speaker 14 Let's see what happens with next with the stylings of Benny Benoit, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 87 Benny Benoit is next.

Speaker 153 Here comes Benny.

Speaker 144 One more time for Benny Benoit.

Speaker 151 Hey, what's up, guys?

Speaker 158 It's good to be here. I'm Benny Benoit.
That's French. I'm from Louisiana.
I'm what you call Louisiana sober.

Speaker 158 That means I drink, I smoke, and I fuck my cousins.

Speaker 158 No, I'm kidding, man.

Speaker 158 That's bold of y'all to assume I got hot cousins.

Speaker 158 I'm the hottest girl my family's ever produced, if we're being honest.

Speaker 158 I would never fuck my cousins, dude. I got two sisters and a dog.
Why would I, you know?

Speaker 158 Nah, them bitches ugly, too. But

Speaker 158 speaking of ugly bitches, when I first moved to Austin, I got hit on by a gay guy. That was nice.
He said he thought that I was hot.

Speaker 91 And I was like, oh, thank you.

Speaker 158 He goes, yeah, can I get your number or something? I said, no, I'm sorry, man. I'm straight.
And he goes, yeah, I bet that's because you never had good dick before.

Speaker 158 And I thought to myself, you know what?

Speaker 158 Maybe

Speaker 158 this isn't my Uber after all.

Speaker 158 But I figured winning Austin, you know

Speaker 63 I've been Benny Benoit. Thank you guys.

Speaker 9 Benny Benoit making his Kill Tony debut, correct?

Speaker 103 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 158 I got pulled once, but I missed my spot.

Speaker 71 You missed your spot?

Speaker 72 How did you miss your spot?

Speaker 158 Well, I had a date who failed to tell me that she was crippled, and so

Speaker 119 I felt bad. Wait.

Speaker 49 Wait, hold on.

Speaker 155 You scheduled a date at the same time as you signing up for Kill Tony?

Speaker 158 Look, it's lonely when you first get here.

Speaker 158 And when you don't get called for Kill Tony, you spend five hours by yourself if you don't know anybody.

Speaker 119 Uh-huh.

Speaker 158 So I invited a Tinder date and I got catfished, to say the least.

Speaker 19 You invited a Tinder date to Shakespeare's, the local hole?

Speaker 62 It was by

Speaker 97 Poor Choice.

Speaker 54 Sure. But you invited her to where all the comedians and everybody was just waiting around?

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 79 And

Speaker 37 so when you say she was crippled, you got crippled, catfished.

Speaker 94 What?

Speaker 132 Caught the catfish down at Cripple Creek. Well, so what exactly kind of cripple was she?

Speaker 97 So

Speaker 158 it was a fat injury.

Speaker 158 She did say that herself. She broke her leg because, you know, the downstairs couldn't support the upstairs, basically.
But she didn't tell me that she was on crutches.

Speaker 158 So I thought she was going to be able to walk to the venue and she couldn't. So I felt bad making her cross the street by herself.
I went out.

Speaker 158 Came back and everybody was like dude where the fuck were you?

Speaker 97 I was like, so wait, where did you go?

Speaker 136 Literally across the street.

Speaker 5 To where?

Speaker 143 To where? Where?

Speaker 46 This is across the street from Poor Choices.

Speaker 47 Where did you go? The corner.

Speaker 6 The sidewalk. But why?

Speaker 53 Why would you go to the corner?

Speaker 158 She was hobbling along the sidewalk and I felt bad, so I went out.

Speaker 53 Okay.

Speaker 158 I didn't think in that 15 seconds my name would get called.

Speaker 60 Well,

Speaker 18 that's when it happens.

Speaker 32 She didn't think that she'd break her leg being a fatty boombalatty, but life happens fast.

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 166 So

Speaker 20 you missed your opportunity while at the exact same time realizing that you were meeting up with a fat crippled lady.

Speaker 158 And I didn't feel like I was allowed to be mad at her. I feel like that's the worst part.

Speaker 158 Am I going to yell at her for something she didn't do?

Speaker 145 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 141 She catfished you. And she must have been fat if her legs break.

Speaker 136 All the pictures were tits up.

Speaker 158 All the pictures were tits up. It was my fault for believing them, honestly.

Speaker 5 He's from Louisiana. They love catfish no matter where I come from.

Speaker 41 Ah,

Speaker 9 very good.

Speaker 9 Very good.

Speaker 166 Wow.

Speaker 117 So the crippling was just a broken leg?

Speaker 158 Yeah, she just had a broken leg.

Speaker 54 She had a cast?

Speaker 93 She had a walking boot.

Speaker 158 That's why I was confused. What are you doing not walking on your walking boot?

Speaker 20 Was she wearing the boot?

Speaker 160 She was wearing the boot. So what do you mean?

Speaker 18 She had crutches.

Speaker 39 Oh, I got it.

Speaker 158 And that's why I felt bad. So I didn't want to make her.

Speaker 55 Did you end up...

Speaker 20 So what'd you end up doing with this lady?

Speaker 41 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 73 Oh yeah, Das Bootin over here.

Speaker 121 Oh yeah, you had that boot up in the air, didn't you?

Speaker 4 Look at you.

Speaker 158 The Subaru saw some action in the back seat that night.

Speaker 38 Really?

Speaker 18 The Subaru saw some action in the back seat?

Speaker 158 I was parked on like Red River or something.

Speaker 79 Oh my god. That was the car.

Speaker 141 Did you put the emergency brake up?

Speaker 87 I did, right?

Speaker 158 I'm trading it in tomorrow. The shocks are fucked.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 63 She couldn't have been that big if you fucked her in a Subaru.

Speaker 158 She wasn't that big. It was more of like the way things were laid out.

Speaker 25 Okay.

Speaker 151 A lot of shape. Very top-heavy.

Speaker 93 Right.

Speaker 45 Right.

Speaker 158 And then, you know, the whole missing out on Kill Tony, the whole...

Speaker 62 She had that.

Speaker 158 There was a lot of factors stacking up against her.

Speaker 97 Did you know at that point when you were hooking up with her that you had missed your spot?

Speaker 158 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 158 This was like after I missed the spot, I was like, well, we might as well get shit faced now like right the fuck is the rest of my Monday now right so we just kind of went out and had a few drinks ended up in my back seat it

Speaker 81 so exactly take us through exactly what happened in the back seat I really didn't think we were going to talk about this well there you go expect the unexpected Benny Benoit

Speaker 158 It was a lot of like, all right, let's do this. And then it was a lot of, no, I'm scared.

Speaker 87 So like what?

Speaker 86 Wait, Wait, was that you saying you're scared? Yeah.

Speaker 17 What were the ideas being proposed that you were scared of?

Speaker 158 She was really weird about the fact that we were hooking up on the first date in the back seat of a car. She was not really stoked about that.

Speaker 166 And I was like, Did you rape this poor lady?

Speaker 158 I promise you, I did not.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 158 I was just, I was really focused on the you want to catfish me, bitch.

Speaker 115 I'll show you.

Speaker 4 Now you're getting fucked.

Speaker 89 I miss my goddamn kill Tony for this.

Speaker 158 no I was I was really I was kind of focused on the fact that I'm definitely never seeing her again so we might as well get it in while we're here wow good lord

Speaker 5 you might be the worst man with the last name Benoit I've ever heard of

Speaker 120 Wow, Benny, so you live here in Austin full-time.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 102 I'm a pool boy.

Speaker 87 Look at you.

Speaker 120 You're just out there fucking everything that moves, aren't you, Benny Benoit?

Speaker 158 I've knocked down some questionable creatures. I'm not gonna lie.

Speaker 103 I bet. Tell us more about it.

Speaker 57 What have you done as a pool guy?

Speaker 73 A lot of single moms out there?

Speaker 158 It's kind of weird. I'm not gonna jeopardize my job for.

Speaker 121 You're okay, buddy.

Speaker 78 I'm pretty sure you just admitted to raping a fat cripple.

Speaker 89 I don't think you can lose your job as a pool boy on Keltoni.

Speaker 158 I meant like in person with the women.

Speaker 158 I don't know if you've talked to women a lot given.

Speaker 9 Very good, Benny. You got me there.

Speaker 42 Very good, you fat fucking.

Speaker 11 You fat fucker.

Speaker 153 You really pulled that one back. I liked it.

Speaker 158 But no, I mean, like, women are very cryptic whenever they drop hints about the pool boy making a move, and none of them have been worth losing my job.

Speaker 158 I get a couple of like tips that I don't deserve here and there and then you know like, oh, I'm alone a lot.

Speaker 91 It's like me too.

Speaker 44 Okay. I know what to do.

Speaker 91 I still have a pool to clean.

Speaker 87 Okay.

Speaker 158 I did, there was an older lady that I thought was hitting on me, but she turned out to be a multi-level marketing like scammer.

Speaker 82 You got sold on a scheme.

Speaker 158 No, I didn't fall for that shit. Not again.

Speaker 104 Well, yeah, yeah, that can't happen.

Speaker 158 It was like promising trips to Hawaii and going going out to like lavish dinners and stuff like that.

Speaker 47 Yeah. She had a timeshare for you.

Speaker 159 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Wow.

Speaker 158 I was going to have to earn that money myself.

Speaker 79 Okay.

Speaker 98 So, Benny, do you have any other special skills or talents before we let you go?

Speaker 158 Made a chemical bomb a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 136 This guy's afraid of losing his pool boy job.

Speaker 14 You just admitted to a federal offense.

Speaker 105 What do you mean you made a chemical bomb?

Speaker 119 So

Speaker 158 I got two dogs and where I...

Speaker 50 It's a weird way to start this.

Speaker 101 That can't have anything to do with this.

Speaker 158 No, there's a... You know, I have to take the poop bags pretty far away and I'm trying to make it to work, open mics, all that stuff.

Speaker 158 So I just took a bucket and put some of my chlorine right there and just put the bags in there. And after a while, it stopped working so good.
So I added a pound of some slightly different chlorine.

Speaker 158 Did not realize that those two were not supposed to be mixed together. And they were fine for like two months.

Speaker 158 And then that big rainstorm we had like two weeks ago filled the bucket with water, and it went boom.

Speaker 123 And

Speaker 65 wow,

Speaker 158 so I woke up at like 12:30 in the middle of the night, and my dog was on top of me, like fucking shaking. I

Speaker 158 couldn't see, I couldn't breathe. It was like it was a complete disaster.
So, I jumped out on my balcony to like, so me and my dogs could breathe.

Speaker 158 And my neighbor came out freaking out, and she's Jewish, so I was uh-oh, I got really nervous at that point. Right, uh, the fire department showed up.
We ended up evacuating.

Speaker 96 Wow. Shit storm.

Speaker 25 Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 166 So

Speaker 37 the chemical bomb just before I let you go, this was like outside on your balcony.

Speaker 158 Yeah, it was right outside my front doorstep. Right.

Speaker 158 It all came like underneath my door.

Speaker 97 Wasn't there anywhere else you could put the poop bags?

Speaker 158 How big do you think apartments are?

Speaker 18 Big enough to have a trash can?

Speaker 12 Well, with a lid?

Speaker 158 The trash can is inside. if I had a trash can sitting on my front doorstep I feel like that'd be it's not as weird as a bucket full of shit and chemicals yeah you are correct a ballot point there

Speaker 9 Benny I like your style very funny you're a funny man welcome to kill Tony Benny Benoit ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 16 Well, well, well,

Speaker 105 ladies and gentlemen, we have a new regular on this show.

Speaker 108 It is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 82 You guys are going to love him.

Speaker 89 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the newest Kill Tony regular.

Speaker 13 He writes and performs a new minute every single week. This is the Dark Storm of Atlanta.

Speaker 42 Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 42 Yeah,

Speaker 4 yeah, man.

Speaker 152 What you know about waking up in the morning to eat a dry toaster strudel because the night before you got too high and drank all the strudel juice

Speaker 137 not my day bad.

Speaker 152 What you know about missing your dad's best friend so much and you want to talk to him so you go get a Ouija board and a street witch and then you start talking to him.

Speaker 152 Oh, remember that nigga can't spell good.

Speaker 3 That's just crazy.

Speaker 152 I'm 35 years old and then I realized the other day I could fight, but I can't heal.

Speaker 152 I'm like a reverse whipper read.

Speaker 6 We just got to die after this.

Speaker 67 I can't.

Speaker 152 I don't got no ACLs.

Speaker 152 Now I get why when Jesus was 33, he was like, kill me.

Speaker 140 Like, kill me.

Speaker 152 Because if you get acid reflux one time, you like nail me to the cross.

Speaker 152 Bird blah blah

Speaker 152 even god was like yeah my son shouldn't be 35 that shit ain't shouldn't happen all right i love y'all

Speaker 16 dedrick flynn the dark storm of atlanta has arrived yet again everything 100

Speaker 118 spot on acid reflux is real

Speaker 152 i would hate it Shout out Toms.

Speaker 155 Yeah, Tom saved the day.

Speaker 99 I take two almost every fucking day now.

Speaker 95 It's It's a nightmare.

Speaker 122 It's insane.

Speaker 62 Chewabo Alka-Seltzer.

Speaker 167 Let's go with

Speaker 62 our senior acid reflux correspondent, Brian Redban, here.

Speaker 51 Chewable Alka-Seltzer. I recommend it.

Speaker 128 It's like fucking Skittles.

Speaker 60 It's great. Right.

Speaker 52 Okay. Thank you.

Speaker 63 Great commercial. Dr.

Speaker 47 Redban.

Speaker 35 Yes, absolutely.

Speaker 38 So, Dedrick, you are the fucking man.

Speaker 34 Tell these people something about you.

Speaker 135 We don't know, Dedrick.

Speaker 102 Oh, man, bro.

Speaker 152 i'm a big ass fan of monster truck jam

Speaker 152 uh i love monster trucks it's like olympics for rednecks yeah but you know what i'm saying the truck i think you should be in the olympics honestly if you want to get there i just like to see shit go flip yeah you know what i and that it mean a lot to my soul um

Speaker 152 This space suit I got on

Speaker 152 ain't a space suit is from one of my favorite hardcore bands between the buried and me I just wanted to shout that out cuz I yeah, you know what i'm saying

Speaker 120 because i'm the official captain of the mothership and i'm flying y'all yeah what's the name rogan co-pilot yeah totally what's the name of the band the name of uh between the buried and me and and and that's like uh are they white yeah yeah

Speaker 63 say they're in a screamo band man come on i can't picture you going to a white band like that oh bro moshing man he just said he likes monster trucks you know yeah i guess so yeah he's from atlanta though that's like a thing.

Speaker 152 Yeah, man, that's uh, Mastodon's from there.

Speaker 153 Like, that's uh,

Speaker 67 yeah, Braun, that's my homeboy, the drummer, Mastodon.

Speaker 152 Uh, it's my badminton partner. Uh, we ain't won a game yet, but it's been fun.

Speaker 139 You play badminton, too?

Speaker 152 Oh, yeah, I do everything fucking cool, Tony.

Speaker 89 I, I got a,

Speaker 152 I do cool shit all the time.

Speaker 3 I'm just poor.

Speaker 64 I, I just, I just, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 152 Theme parks, music parks, I'm in there.

Speaker 67 Water slides, I'm in there.

Speaker 152 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 67 Above ground swimming pools, I'm in there.

Speaker 4 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 145 Arcades, I'm in there.

Speaker 67 Pinballs, I'm in there.

Speaker 4 I said, if they got some fun, I'm in there.

Speaker 4 I said, if you're going bowling, I'm in there. You go to six flags, I'm in there.

Speaker 88 You go to a party, I'm in there.

Speaker 88 I said, it can't be a party if I ain't in there.

Speaker 40 I said, it can't be a party if I ain't in there.

Speaker 40 Thank y'all. God damn.

Speaker 114 The dark storm.

Speaker 40 Yeah.

Speaker 88 API, gotcha.

Speaker 40 Something.

Speaker 41 Oh

Speaker 104 my god.

Speaker 127 Wow.

Speaker 137 I love you.

Speaker 67 I love you guys. Oh, that's the acapella niggas.
What's up, dog?

Speaker 137 And you going down the train on

Speaker 152 y'all know that one?

Speaker 4 Y'all know that?

Speaker 152 It's gotta be high to know that one. I just made it up.

Speaker 164 They played the pre-show Straight No Chaser, probably the best a cappella band of all time.

Speaker 8 They're on tour,

Speaker 9 sncmusic.com, on social media at SNCMusic.

Speaker 61 They're unbelievable.

Speaker 38 You got to see them?

Speaker 152 I saw him when we was up there chilling. They had a little, we was up there bopping and jigging.
And then I had borrowed his shoulder thing, the massage.

Speaker 152 I got a knot out, so my shit was real loose with it.

Speaker 25 Oh, shit. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 153 I was out there getting it.

Speaker 6 they was they they was chucking the job y'all at the moody center yeah they're at the movie

Speaker 152 y'all give me some tickets to go yeah

Speaker 63 yeah my girl like musical theater so i'm gonna get some pussy that night hell yeah absolutely let's check in with the great jeff dye do you guys ever sing uh where in the world is carmen sand diego it's a good that's the only a cappella song i know Do you guys do that?

Speaker 34 You want to sing a little bit of it, Jeff?

Speaker 63 No, I don't want to sing it.

Speaker 119 I want to hear it.

Speaker 89 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 10 We're not going to put them on the Carmen San Diego spot, Kino.

Speaker 107 Kino.

Speaker 34 Just wanted to hear it. Son of a bitch.

Speaker 50 Dedric, you are unbelievable.

Speaker 75 You are, perhaps, I mean, you truly are a fucking storm.

Speaker 105 It is incredible.

Speaker 9 You come in and you take over every single week. We love you.
Thank y'all. Make some goddamn noise to the great and powerful Dedric Flynn, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 And it goes on and on.

Speaker 13 Back to the bucket we go.

Speaker 106 Ooh, la la.

Speaker 58 Some noise for Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 52 Wow.

Speaker 87 Yes, indeed. Auga, indeed.

Speaker 45 Your next bucket pull.

Speaker 153 We know this one.

Speaker 164 Make some noise for Charlie She, everybody.

Speaker 155 Here comes Charlie She.

Speaker 91 Hello, everyone. Here's your daily dose of racism.

Speaker 91 Sometimes I wonder if Jews wear tiny hats, it's because they miss having a tip again.

Speaker 91 And sometimes I wonder if,

Speaker 91 well, if hip-hop artists like to

Speaker 91 hit women because they love to beatbox

Speaker 41 But

Speaker 91 that's the thing with racism, isn't it? It's like, why does it always have to be something for evil? Like, why can't there be something good? Like,

Speaker 91 recently, I gave a white guy a ukulele,

Speaker 91 and now he can't stop playing it.

Speaker 96 But

Speaker 91 that being said, you know.

Speaker 157 That being said,

Speaker 91 racism is a two-way street. I just wish I'm driving on the right side of it.
Thank you.

Speaker 149 Charlie She.

Speaker 164 Welcome back to the show, Charlie.

Speaker 91 I messed up and used my real name, so.

Speaker 34 Okay. But it's fine.
What's your other name?

Speaker 91 Oh, Chen. You know me.

Speaker 21 Yes, yes, I know you.

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 19 Yeah, you've been on the show multiple times.

Speaker 91 Yeah, about a year ago, three times.

Speaker 60 Okay, very good.

Speaker 38 So, how's life been going?

Speaker 1 It's been doing better.

Speaker 87 Okay, Red Band, we get it.

Speaker 74 They're Asian.

Speaker 68 Maybe Native American.

Speaker 91 I mean, I did grow up in New Mexico, so close enough.

Speaker 52 Okay, all right, there you go.

Speaker 20 Um so Charlie, what's going on in life?

Speaker 115 Uh

Speaker 91 I got laid off for five months, and then I was able to find a job about um three weeks ago.

Speaker 95 Where did you get laid off from?

Speaker 91 Oh, I was working for a bank in Canada, and then uh the tariffs happened. and then US employees are considered to be risks.

Speaker 98 So, yeah. So, now where do you work?

Speaker 91 I work for a particular university here in town.

Speaker 39 You work for what?

Speaker 91 A university.

Speaker 34 A university.

Speaker 78 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 34 What do you do at the university?

Speaker 91 I fix computers.

Speaker 125 You fix computers. Okay.

Speaker 147 What

Speaker 99 how's life been going, Charlie?

Speaker 38 Are you still?

Speaker 91 Well, yes, I'm still trans. It's just that

Speaker 58 Yeah, but but yeah, I mean you wrote down Charlie today.

Speaker 10 What are we going are we going backwards?

Speaker 91 No, it's because I had a long day of work.

Speaker 5 I was on the phone for four hours you were on you worked on hold on a second here.

Speaker 120 This is breaking trans news.

Speaker 59 Hold on.

Speaker 68 I didn't know this was possible

Speaker 149 But it turns out if you're trans and you work too hard you go back to the human that you were before

Speaker 89 This is the first time we've seen this before we're always learning about the trans community here this is interesting you went from a pocahontas to poke his hauntas

Speaker 120 real quick well charlie did you have a broken leg a few months ago by any chance no no

Speaker 28 Yeah, the third leg is alive and well now.

Speaker 25 Oh, wow.

Speaker 62 Okay, Charlie.

Speaker 166 So you worked so hard that you signed up as Charlie.

Speaker 21 That's what you're saying?

Speaker 91 I guess I wasn't all here when I signed up. I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 No, I mean, there's no reason to apologize.

Speaker 34 I find it so interesting.

Speaker 91 Well, now I guess the cat's out of the bag, so to speak.

Speaker 91 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Or the dog's out of the bag or something like that.

Speaker 31 So how's transitioning been going for you?

Speaker 38 I don't know if you guys can tell, but this used to be Charlie, and now it's Chen.

Speaker 5 It's my first time on the show, I think.

Speaker 93 Yeah, you're on the show. Yep.

Speaker 77 Hello.

Speaker 91 Nice to meet you again.

Speaker 5 And you kept the penis. We spoke about that.

Speaker 5 And you made a joke about it.

Speaker 91 I mean, being laid off and taking a 30% pay cut is no way to get to the point where I need the money for it. So, yeah.

Speaker 5 I also imagine that would also compromise the week.

Speaker 5 You know, if you get laid off and then also you have to recover from having a penis cut off, that would be a very bad

Speaker 41 as well die at that point.

Speaker 62 Well, no, I mean,

Speaker 94 no.

Speaker 25 No.

Speaker 132 Are you sure they didn't give you a pay cut because you were transitioning into being a woman?

Speaker 89 Well, when I told my

Speaker 153 women

Speaker 153 can get paid less.

Speaker 119 No, no, because when I told my parents about it, that's the first reaction from my stepfather.

Speaker 17 That's what he said too?

Speaker 91 Yeah, but it wasn't it.

Speaker 71 What ethnicity is your stepfather?

Speaker 79 White.

Speaker 20 And what does he think about all this?

Speaker 91 He's fine with it, but my mom is angry because he's fine with it.

Speaker 118 Tell us exactly how your mom, who's very Asian.

Speaker 49 Very, very Asian.

Speaker 51 Yes.

Speaker 132 Tell us exactly what she says to you about you transitioning into a woman.

Speaker 91 She visited about a week or two ago and she pretty much just says that I'm on the wrong path in life and

Speaker 91 I should reconsider, especially with the current government pressure and everything.

Speaker 71 Wait, what exactly, what is the government pressure exactly?

Speaker 91 You know, the whole talking point about cracking down on DEI or whatever. But the thing is, I never relied on DEI to be who I am today, so it just felt weird that she was talking like that to me.

Speaker 5 James.

Speaker 5 I mean, Asian mothers traditionally really do prefer having sons. So it might be.

Speaker 5 I don't know if you've seen the statistics on that, but

Speaker 5 it's very good that you were born as a man, because otherwise you might not be here with us tonight doing stand-up.

Speaker 5 Do people not know about that? I'm sorry, I won't make a joke about that but that's tough you don't need DEI

Speaker 5 yeah I don't rely on DEIT maybe

Speaker 11 no I'm sorry I'm sorry I thought that was okay I'm fat I'm a fat person

Speaker 156 do you do you think your mom loves you though

Speaker 91 there you go he finally got it off clean ladies and not in that way but I know that despite her limited capabilities she's doing her best you guys are kind of dressed the same tonight I gotta say, if you look really closely, you can't tell which one's which.

Speaker 68 Red ban and yellow ban up here.

Speaker 137 Well, people call me yellow ban because I do soundboard too, but yeah.

Speaker 120 Where do you do soundboard at?

Speaker 162 Shakespeare's.

Speaker 91 Right after this show, we have an open mic there.

Speaker 10 Oh, I'm sure these people want another four hours of bullshit open mic after this.

Speaker 76 Okay, so

Speaker 83 can I call you Charlie?

Speaker 78 Sure.

Speaker 84 What have you been doing with your

Speaker 22 personal life, Charlie?

Speaker 100 Tell us more about what you do when you're not performing comedy.

Speaker 91 Oh, so when I'm not performing comedy, I've been,

Speaker 91 oh, I picked up new instruments like bass and things like that. Although I'm better with a piano.

Speaker 91 And

Speaker 91 then I also joined a group where we perform every Friday night. And then I played a lot of video games, but and then I also look into video development.

Speaker 91 Video game development such as Unreal 5.

Speaker 77 I think you're an Asian man.

Speaker 122 Yeah.

Speaker 72 Everything that you say sounds like you're an Asian man.

Speaker 70 The bass guitar, like an Asian woman plays the violin.

Speaker 115 Ah, okay.

Speaker 41 Well.

Speaker 57 You don't know about this?

Speaker 91 I mean,

Speaker 91 I guess those Asian bass player ladies aren't not ladies anymore.

Speaker 25 No, they're really hot, actually, when you...

Speaker 70 Charlie, what are you fucking nowadays?

Speaker 34 What's your sex life like?

Speaker 91 I'm in like I said, I'm in a long distance relationship, so I'm essentially celibate until he visits like three times a year, and that's it.

Speaker 20 Okay, when's the last time you saw him?

Speaker 40 Uh,

Speaker 91 actually,

Speaker 161 maybe summer break, summer break, yeah, before I got laid off.

Speaker 62 So, Jeff die.

Speaker 63 Yeah, I don't think that's called celibate, that's called monogamous.

Speaker 91 Yeah, yeah, yeah, but yeah, you're not just, yeah, yeah, I'm just not going, maybe I'm nitpicking, I don't know, yeah, I'm not just going around fucking everything I see.

Speaker 63 Good for you, yeah, you're a good man, or lady, or whatever the fuck's going on.

Speaker 67 No, you're honorable.

Speaker 63 I like this about you. You're very nice to your mom about it.

Speaker 63 You might be the most reasonable trans person I've ever met.

Speaker 49 Yeah, we have a lot of people.

Speaker 122 We have a few of those on this show.

Speaker 120 Only very reasonable trans people sign up for this show.

Speaker 20 We're yet to have an unreasonable trans, which is crazy because anytime I'm out there, it's almost always an unreasonable trans.

Speaker 20 In here, for some reason, very reasonable trans.

Speaker 19 You're the second Asian up here tonight that loves raw men, by the way.

Speaker 73 Little fun fact.

Speaker 16 I mean,

Speaker 11 luckily, I'm not going to have to try yours

Speaker 13 because my butt hurts.

Speaker 91 That's the talk of someone who has his shit pushed in.

Speaker 40 Oh,

Speaker 144 you son of a...

Speaker 13 You son of a nice lady.

Speaker 142 A very reasonable woman.

Speaker 141 Why do you want to be trans instead of like a pretty gay guy with nice tits?

Speaker 53 Good question, Red Band.

Speaker 81 A lot of people are expecting Red Band to win a Nobel Prize.

Speaker 113 The questions that he asks.

Speaker 89 This one will go down in the history books.

Speaker 113 Why do you want to be trans when you could be a dude with fat tits?

Speaker 5 Why won't you be exactly what Red Band wants sexually?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Why do you want to have a dungeon when you have those awesome dragons, dude?

Speaker 17 It's a good question.

Speaker 97 What makes you feel like a woman?

Speaker 62 Man, he feels like a woman.

Speaker 110 Am I the only one that heard that?

Speaker 89 Okay.

Speaker 91 This is actually a thought I had a while back, and I think it's something like, it's unfortunate that, you see, trans people are closer to straight people, but they keep on lumping us with gay people, and we don't know what to do with it.

Speaker 27 So, because

Speaker 91 we like somebody of

Speaker 91 opposite gender most of the time,

Speaker 91 it's just that we're in the wrong body. It doesn't mean we don't like someone of opposite gender.

Speaker 91 But you guys lump us with gay people, and then we're like, oh, well, I mean, are you pivoting to homophobia?

Speaker 115 Well, I just want to know.

Speaker 5 In general, like you Maybe go, don't luck us in with these f ⁇ ing ass people over there.

Speaker 5 We're like you!

Speaker 16 It's not a bad strategy.

Speaker 11 The trans are making a move.

Speaker 49 What an unconceivable

Speaker 156 trans people.

Speaker 79 I think I can.

Speaker 114 When you hear that train horn, you know

Speaker 51 Red Man thinks it says change.

Speaker 16 I guess what I'm trying to say is

Speaker 89 redpan's not the best speller it's like tran horn i've been waiting to hit this sound effect forever incredible

Speaker 139 you have it turned up not all trans people are gay i guess is what that's what i'm trying to say okay but when you're butt fucking your boyfriend with your dick you must understand why you're clumped with gay guys right

Speaker 87 you don't but you take the you wait yo yeah that makes sense yeah i take it i don't what do you do with your thing?

Speaker 4 We stumped it.

Speaker 3 Oh, geez.

Speaker 114 We stumped it.

Speaker 112 You know how hard it is to stump an Asian boy with an easy question

Speaker 129 in the classroom.

Speaker 56 You guys rattle it right off.

Speaker 25 Oh, man.

Speaker 153 Most of the time, I don't do anything with it.

Speaker 97 You don't do anything?

Speaker 54 You don't like to come?

Speaker 119 I do love to come.

Speaker 53 What makes you come?

Speaker 91 A good fucking, okay?

Speaker 41 Wow.

Speaker 140 I like the kind of good f ⁇ ing where the hips meets the butt.

Speaker 16 It feels like he's slapping me while he's thrusting, okay?

Speaker 8 It's great.

Speaker 11 Yeah, I don't know why people clump you with the gaze.

Speaker 48 There's nothing I love more than getting butt f ⁇ ed so hard that it feels like the dude's beating me up during it.

Speaker 25 Anyway, not gay at all.

Speaker 140 Totally just Charlie getting butt f ⁇ ed by a dude.

Speaker 49 Why do you clump me with the gaze?

Speaker 5 America's come a long way since Johnny Carson. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 5 Johnny Carson used to sit in a suit and tie and have a nice conversation with a movie shot.

Speaker 62 So are

Speaker 166 Charlie.

Speaker 5 Let's all leave a little something to the imagination. That's all I'm saying.

Speaker 127 Wow.

Speaker 76 Wow. Nothing beats a jet.

Speaker 73 Charlie, I like your style.

Speaker 68 Great interviews always.

Speaker 78 The minute, you know, you went with it.

Speaker 89 You committed to racism.

Speaker 21 It was good.

Speaker 85 It was okay.

Speaker 80 It's fun, you know.

Speaker 102 But really, the interview, you just crush.

Speaker 129 You're such an interesting person.

Speaker 39 Whatever you are, you're interesting.

Speaker 57 Here's another big joke book. There you go.

Speaker 9 Catches like a man.

Speaker 49 Right off his tits.

Speaker 107 Bounce right off his tits.

Speaker 51 Their tits.

Speaker 62 Their tits.

Speaker 115 It's

Speaker 21 its tits.

Speaker 4 Ah!

Speaker 32 Speaking of real tits, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

Speaker 7 So real.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Old real titi, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 96 Tis the season for all your holiday favorites. Like a very Jonah's Christmas movie.
And home alone on Disney Plus.

Speaker 61 Did I burn down the tree? I don't think so.

Speaker 96 Then Hulu has National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. We're all in for a very big Christmas treat.
All of these and more streaming this holiday season.

Speaker 96 And right now, stay big with our special Black Friday offer. Bumble Disney Plus in Hulu for just $4.99 a month for one year.
Savings compared to to current regular monthly price ends 12.1.

Speaker 96 Offer for ad supported Disney Plus Hulu bundle only. Then $12.99 a month or then current regular monthly price.
18 plus terms apply.

Speaker 3 Your next bucket full goes by the name of Asher Kassen, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 43 Make some noise for Asher Kassen.

Speaker 150 I was on a date with this girl and she started talking about her ex.

Speaker 150 And I don't know where she started talking about his dick.

Speaker 150 And for some some reason she felt called to mention

Speaker 150 he wasn't even that big he was like maybe your size

Speaker 150 and yeah that's not the fucked up part

Speaker 150 see the fucked up part was she said this during the movie like previews so I got to sit through Twilight now while I'm thinking about this shit the whole time okay

Speaker 150 It's fucked up so much for the hole I cut in the bottom of this popcorn bucket. You know, I mean, I guess we're not using that anymore.

Speaker 150 I got to walk down from IL J just trickling little kernels the whole fucking way down pissed off.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 150 I ended that date and I went home and I did the old-fashioned confidence booster, fellas, you know, where you measure it up against the TV remote.

Speaker 150 This is like 2012, though, okay? So it's like the big-ass Comcast remotes. I don't even reach the guide button.

Speaker 150 I start fluffing it, trying to get every inch I can. Next thing I know, Disney channel's on.
I got my wiener out. It's not good.

Speaker 150 Kids these days are lucky, though. They got Roku remotes.

Speaker 150 Roku remote, have you feeling real confident? I'm Asher Cassin. Thank you guys very much.

Speaker 9 Asher Cassin.

Speaker 9 Welcome, Asher.

Speaker 82 How long you've been doing stand-up?

Speaker 150 Just about a year.

Speaker 83 Just about a year. Where at?

Speaker 150 L.A.

Speaker 57 All of it in LA that you still live there?

Speaker 150 Yep, 100%. I drove out for this.

Speaker 19 You're born and raised in LA?

Speaker 150 I was born in Seattle, but lived in LA my whole life.

Speaker 47 Perfect. Amazing.

Speaker 150 I just got fired, actually.

Speaker 53 From what job?

Speaker 150 I worked at a place called Nutra Shop. I like sell protein powders, vitamins, stuff like that.

Speaker 37 Why'd they fire you?

Speaker 150 Because of this, actually. I drove, or excuse me, I flew out the first time.
I called the time off. I didn't make it back in time, and they said, you know, we're firing you.

Speaker 150 But that was two weeks ago.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 31 How many times have you signed up for this show?

Speaker 150 Just twice. This is my second time.

Speaker 126 Nice.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 22 So, Asher, I asked the question that everybody wants to know here.

Speaker 91 Yes.

Speaker 47 How big is that dick?

Speaker 150 I mean, you know, every good joke's got a little bit of truth to it. A small bit, but, you know, it's a solid six, I think.

Speaker 69 Solid six.

Speaker 21 Heidi, do you have a tape measure over there?

Speaker 10 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Speaker 62 Okay.

Speaker 46 And this was your ex-girlfriend?

Speaker 150 No, it was just a girl I was talking to at the time.

Speaker 61 You have a girlfriend now?

Speaker 25 I do.

Speaker 164 What does she do?

Speaker 117 Are you making her up as I ask you questions?

Speaker 150 Well, I'm in a transition, okay?

Speaker 54 So my...

Speaker 87 So was the last comedian.

Speaker 150 Yeah, no.

Speaker 150 My last girlfriend just left me.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 102 You hit the tranhorn button.

Speaker 17 Your last girlfriend left you. Why did she leave you?

Speaker 150 It was because I had a porn addiction.

Speaker 22 What types of porn are you watching?

Speaker 38 Black.

Speaker 62 Okay. Black porn, for sure.

Speaker 17 What is it about black porn that you love?

Speaker 150 This entertain, like they talk during sex. I didn't know as a Caucasian I was allowed to do that.

Speaker 50 What are some of the things that they say that you like?

Speaker 48 Give them a little spotlight here, Kino.

Speaker 150 Tell me this Draymond's pussy.

Speaker 93 I like that one.

Speaker 34 Okay, give us another one.

Speaker 150 You can take all of it, quit running.

Speaker 49 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 150 I like that.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 150 I haven't had a chance to use it myself, but.

Speaker 150 Wow.

Speaker 150 I have something that I use, though.

Speaker 87 What do you use?

Speaker 150 Someone called PETA because I'm killing this pussy.

Speaker 27 PETA.

Speaker 103 PETA, but... PETA, like the

Speaker 165 cat guy.

Speaker 5 Like freestyling during the sex intercourse now?

Speaker 128 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Whatever happened to a good old-fashioned kiss on the cheek and I love your baby.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 25 That's gay.

Speaker 52 Wow, yeah. Gay?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 150 That's really gay.

Speaker 5 And don't run away. You can take all this dick.
That's not gay.

Speaker 150 Yeah, but you're the one saying it, and you sound like that. You see what I'm saying?

Speaker 39 When a black dude says it, it's different. Yeah.

Speaker 36 Come on, say, say this.

Speaker 5 How dare you come here and question how black I am?

Speaker 107 Don't you know this is Draymond's pussy?

Speaker 47 Oh, my tea is boiling right right now.

Speaker 113 What do you say, James?

Speaker 48 Oh, my crocodiles hunting.

Speaker 4 Oh, I want to didgerido you all night.

Speaker 11 We have a beautiful sex life, my wife and I.

Speaker 5 Where we connect emotionally and physically.

Speaker 48 You should try it. You should just try.

Speaker 5 I'm not going to go home and jump on top of my wife and start giving her one-liners for black pornography.

Speaker 16 We don't need that.

Speaker 5 We have three children. We're just happy to get any time together at all.
We don't need to spruce it up with some open mic comedy.

Speaker 70 If you want to make a fourth, tell her that it's Draymond's pussy.

Speaker 57 Fun fact, if you tell her it's Draymond's pussy, when you make the fourth child, you're allowed to leave.

Speaker 47 Draymond ain't sticking around to raise the child.

Speaker 76 Wow.

Speaker 70 Is there anything else other than the talking that you find intriguing about black porn?

Speaker 150 I mean, you know, the size is pretty cool. That's interesting.

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 150 Of the penis. Yeah.

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 62 Want to clarify?

Speaker 60 Yeah.

Speaker 77 No doubt about it.

Speaker 115 No doubt about it.

Speaker 79 So, Asher,

Speaker 70 you lost your job.

Speaker 82 You're now unemployed.

Speaker 19 What's your big plan?

Speaker 150 I just recently applied to vans at the mall just something to keep me, you know

Speaker 5 Let me tell you I reckon you could get that job at Vans at the mall

Speaker 150 I've been to that van in Austin No in Santa Clarita

Speaker 5 I haven't been to that one, but the vans in Austin at the mall terrible service really some of the worst shoe I tell you you go if you want to move to Austin you get on down to that mall and try try one of those shoe shops.

Speaker 5 Because these people, I say that with love and respect.

Speaker 89 No, no, no, white.

Speaker 5 These people are some of the worst shoe shop employees I've ever encountered. I go in this damn shoe shop.
I say, I need a size 12 of this.

Speaker 5 And they come back and they go, well, we've got a size 11 and a size 13. I say, well, well, that's no good for me.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Size is the most important part.

Speaker 17 That's what his ex-girlfriend said.

Speaker 130 Yes.

Speaker 136 Yeah, very good.

Speaker 150 She was black, too.

Speaker 32 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 81 Wow.

Speaker 150 And we have a kid together.

Speaker 81 Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 15 Oh, my God. You made a baby?

Speaker 150 A black one.

Speaker 43 You made a black baby?

Speaker 148 Yep.

Speaker 63 That's why we separated.

Speaker 150 He needs the black experience.

Speaker 32 Wow.

Speaker 134 All right. I'm sorry.

Speaker 151 I apologize.

Speaker 44 You made a black baby and your name is Asher.

Speaker 86 Asher made an Ashie?

Speaker 148 Yeah.

Speaker 114 Holy shit.

Speaker 150 Yeah.

Speaker 118 That is incredible.

Speaker 12 How old is this black baby?

Speaker 150 He's just creeped over a a year. He's like a year.

Speaker 46 Why'd you have to say creep like that?

Speaker 13 Why'd you say it like he's plotting and planning something?

Speaker 107 He's just creeping over a year?

Speaker 11 That's Pikado, Ash.

Speaker 17 That is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 63 Isn't that why you want to work at a shoe store?

Speaker 87 No,

Speaker 150 my actual job is I produce a comedy show at the ice house, but that's once a month and it's not. sustainable all the time.

Speaker 76 Of course.

Speaker 97 So how often do you get to see this little black baby?

Speaker 150 I mean, like,

Speaker 70 is that a picture of him on your shirt?

Speaker 26 This is Darth Vader.

Speaker 57 I know it's Darth Vader.

Speaker 103 I'm making a joke about having a black.

Speaker 73 It's black. Darth Vader's black.

Speaker 50 Yeah.

Speaker 74 For those of you that don't know.

Speaker 25 I am your father, and I'm leaving now.

Speaker 4 Yeah. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 5 It did happen in Star Wars.

Speaker 93 Yeah.

Speaker 38 He did abandon his child.

Speaker 5 And Luke turned out great.

Speaker 72 Yes, he did. It is true.

Speaker 129 It is true.

Speaker 90 And he.

Speaker 5 I mean, it didn't turn out great for Darth Vader, I'll be honest, but

Speaker 38 he's skywalked out of his life.

Speaker 129 We got Star Wars jokes over here.

Speaker 98 So,

Speaker 78 do you only hook up with black women?

Speaker 150 No, my current girlfriend's white.

Speaker 83 Oh, wow.

Speaker 97 What made you make the change?

Speaker 93 She's pretty thick.

Speaker 102 I like them a little bit

Speaker 111 round. Look at you.

Speaker 117 There's some real hood traits to you, like thick white women.

Speaker 39 I've been told that.

Speaker 97 What else?

Speaker 20 What do you think is the blackest thing about you?

Speaker 97 We know it's not your penis.

Speaker 150 Probably my black scent. I've been trying to get rid of it, but it's here.

Speaker 61 You hang around a lot of black people.

Speaker 150 Yeah, a lot. Because, see, my mom, she did like drugs.

Speaker 150 Yeah, she did heroin when she was pregnant with me.

Speaker 115 Whoa.

Speaker 150 I got eczema now, so that's fucked up.

Speaker 41 Oh, shit.

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 150 Yep.

Speaker 65 Wow.

Speaker 19 Eczema is your baby mama's name?

Speaker 111 No.

Speaker 16 Eczema.

Speaker 49 Jenkins, perhaps.

Speaker 116 Wow.

Speaker 41 Yeah.

Speaker 16 I was told this would be good for my career.

Speaker 76 Wow.

Speaker 72 This is so, so interesting.

Speaker 34 So your mom did heroin, so that forced you to have a lot of black friends growing up.

Speaker 150 Yeah, well, I mean, when you say it in that order, it sounds like I'm handy.

Speaker 65 How old are you?

Speaker 150 I am 23.

Speaker 32 23.

Speaker 21 My goodness.

Speaker 57 One of the oldest people to ever apply for a job at a van store.

Speaker 20 If the vans doesn't hire you, what is your next maneuver?

Speaker 150 I was going to full dive into comedy.

Speaker 150 That's the reason why I started producing is actually because your advice to to people is produce a show control your own stage time so i was gonna just dive full on into that well you know as much as you've hung around black people i wouldn't recommend diving into much of anything you might find yourself drowning there might need to be a lifeguard there yes

Speaker 150 can you swim yeah not well though right yeah

Speaker 129 Okay, so you're 23.

Speaker 138 You might want to do okay, diving all the way into comedy center.

Speaker 22 I didn't dive all the way in when I was 23, and I started at 22 like you.

Speaker 98 I was hustling for a couple few years there.

Speaker 22 So what's your actual next plan?

Speaker 161 If the vans doesn't hire you, you're going to have to make some money.

Speaker 98 You have you to take care of.

Speaker 95 You have a child to take care of.

Speaker 62 Are you

Speaker 61 giving money to the baby mama?

Speaker 150 Yeah, every month I give her. I'm not on child support.
I just, that's my kid. I got to take care of my kids.

Speaker 90 You're damn right.

Speaker 66 Yes, that's good.

Speaker 11 Because he's a white guy.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 150 But

Speaker 150 I used to detail cars. I know how to detail cars.
I would go back to door-to-door trying to, you know, wash people's cars.

Speaker 76 Wow, okay, very good.

Speaker 31 Wow, all right, Asher, anything else crazy we should know about you? You know, you have any special skills or talents?

Speaker 35 So, you know how to rap at all? You a white rapper?

Speaker 150 No, I used to play basketball. I played basketball overseas in Puerto Rico.

Speaker 62 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 56 Overseas.

Speaker 150 It was like 60 pounds ago. Like, yeah.

Speaker 150 Wow. There's a sea.
Like, it's American territory, but I claim it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 62 Over water.

Speaker 62 Yeah.

Speaker 38 So what was your basketball career like in Puerto Rico?

Speaker 109 Oh, it wasn't good.

Speaker 150 I was the only white. Yeah, but I was there.
My name was on the roster. Wow.
I had one good game out of like 30, but you had 30 points? No, I had one good game out of 30.

Speaker 79 I had like eight points.

Speaker 83 Gotcha.

Speaker 150 But I was throwing those assists.

Speaker 60 Right.

Speaker 102 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 90 Yes.

Speaker 126 Absolutely.

Speaker 22 Anything else other than basketball, comedy?

Speaker 150 I mean,

Speaker 150 gambling.

Speaker 150 I love to gamble.

Speaker 150 Yeah, it's not the best for my current situation, but I stopped over at that little place underneath Sunset. They got like some slots back there, and I played $20 before I stepped on stage.

Speaker 164 Yeah, you didn't know that?

Speaker 34 Yeah, there's slot machines underneath your comedy card.

Speaker 150 They're right next to the bathroom of main chicks. I spent 20 and I won like up to 30 and then I blew it all, lost it all.

Speaker 124 Yeah.

Speaker 150 But I only played 20. That's good.
Ever play with more than you're willing to lose.

Speaker 5 Asher, you're saying a lot of things that are making me scared for your future and the future of your child. But I believe in you.
You've got a good energy.

Speaker 21 Absolutely.

Speaker 5 Asher. I wasn't going to say anything, but you asked me, and I...
You know, you got to hang it. Look, comedy takes a long time to get going.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And kids are expensive really quickly.

Speaker 81 Oh, yeah, I know.

Speaker 34 What's the most expensive thing that your kid has contributed so far?

Speaker 124 Like

Speaker 124 that you've had to pay for?

Speaker 81 Anything?

Speaker 150 It's really just the buildup of diapers and the food and everything. No one item is that expensive.

Speaker 38 What does your baby like to eat?

Speaker 125 What is he eating?

Speaker 150 I mean, baby food.

Speaker 38 What flavor baby food is he eaten?

Speaker 150 Again, I'm not that much in his life. I have no idea.

Speaker 167 You don't know what type of food he eats?

Speaker 150 No, I just give her the money and she buys it.

Speaker 97 You don't ever see the kid?

Speaker 114 All the time. I don't feed him.

Speaker 150 She feeds him.

Speaker 57 You've never had the urge to...

Speaker 47 D Madness is loving this right now

Speaker 149 I said I think he just tried to choke you there for a second I think he tried to reach I've I've seen him get fed uh-huh

Speaker 111 been there

Speaker 102 my

Speaker 150 I love I love my son you paint me out to be a villain

Speaker 150 she give him a white name or a black name I named him after my grandpa and what's your Demetrius

Speaker 150 no it's Italian it's Rocco oh okay yeah I could see why that would work yeah

Speaker 150 he He doesn't look black at all. He looks like Filipino.

Speaker 25 Like, I don't know how.

Speaker 150 It's not hitting because you can't see him, but yeah, he's Filipino.

Speaker 77 Whoa.

Speaker 62 We got to talk to your wife about this.

Speaker 13 Does your wife know that you consider your son Filipino?

Speaker 62 I don't have a wife, but...

Speaker 81 Right, your baby mama.

Speaker 150 Yeah, and she hates it. She's like, stop talking about our son like that.
And I'm like, he looks fucking Filipino.

Speaker 5 You know, if they ever bring that Maury Povich show, that could be a good way to get some money.

Speaker 25 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I can see you doing the dance.

Speaker 150 Who's Maury Povich, though?

Speaker 108 It was a little bit before your time.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry.

Speaker 105 It was a little bit before your time.

Speaker 51 Six, seven years ago.

Speaker 105 You kids don't know.

Speaker 86 Oh, the crowd's turning on him.

Speaker 78 Quick, folks. This is a very pro-Maury crowd here.

Speaker 4 Asher

Speaker 13 Casson, congratulations. Fun times.

Speaker 9 There he goes, Asher Casson. Thank you.
Let's get one last bucket pull up here. We're having fun tonight.
You guys having fun out there?

Speaker 9 All right, let's see what happens here make some noise for your next bucket pull it's Josh Canada everybody here comes Josh Canada

Speaker 168 all right thanks thanks I'm having a I'm having a great month right now I actually is odd timing but I just celebrated two years of marriage so that was fucking dope oh thank you

Speaker 151 thank you guys

Speaker 168 it's a it's a weird time in our marriage because uh we were talking I wanted to go see the new Superman movie it just came out on HBO, and she was, I was explaining, it's really interesting because they changed directors, like revamping the universe.

Speaker 168 And she asked me, How long do you want me to pretend to care about this?

Speaker 24 So that's

Speaker 168 a new level of honesty I didn't know that I didn't want. You know what I'm saying? But I did see the new Superman.
It was pretty good.

Speaker 168 If you want to see it, I'm hearing a lot of weird stuff about it. People are like, there's one nation, right, that's like oppressing another nation.

Speaker 91 And it's an analogy for like Israel-Palestine.

Speaker 168 But if you want to see the movie, that's not at all true. It's not.

Speaker 168 And I know that because in the movie, Lois Lane is a reporter, and she lived the whole time. So

Speaker 151 thanks. That's my time.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 100 All right, Josh, Canada.

Speaker 62 All right, Josh.

Speaker 79 How long you been doing comedy?

Speaker 168 Coming up on two years.

Speaker 129 Two years.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 79 And where at?

Speaker 168 Colorado, mostly.

Speaker 62 Colorado. Yeah, yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 21 How's it going there in Colorado? Is it better than it just went here?

Speaker 140 Yeah.

Speaker 168 I moved here in March, and yeah, usually, yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 136 I'm between jobs, but looking for a barista gig right now.

Speaker 47 Looking for a barista gig.

Speaker 155 This might be the

Speaker 62 fanciest unemployed crew.

Speaker 118 of comedians ever pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 18 A lot of people hopeful for jobs taken by 15-year-olds.

Speaker 142 Damn. Fair enough.

Speaker 31 Was that your best minute of comedy?

Speaker 168 Definitely not, but yeah, it was what it was.

Speaker 20 You know what I want to do?

Speaker 161 You know what I'm thinking? I want to do here.

Speaker 99 I want to check in. I want to check in with

Speaker 21 our friends, Straight No Chaser over here.

Speaker 138 Kino, can you light them up real quick?

Speaker 35 Guys, what did you guys think about that performance?

Speaker 118 If you don't mind,

Speaker 59 we're here on

Speaker 40 Kill

Speaker 40 Tony.

Speaker 169 That set was

Speaker 40 not

Speaker 40 funny

Speaker 40 You shouldn't quit your day job

Speaker 169 I rather hear

Speaker 40 bags and boxes

Speaker 94 And we are

Speaker 40 Stray no

Speaker 40 chaser

Speaker 2 That's straight no chaser over there ladies and gentlemen just Just checking in, just enjoying the show over there.

Speaker 105 No big deal.

Speaker 21 How does that make you feel?

Speaker 75 Have you ever been demolished by a nine-person acapella group before?

Speaker 107 Have you ever had your soul taken with such great tone and rhythm?

Speaker 168 No, that was new.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it feels good.

Speaker 49 It's unbelievable from my angle.

Speaker 144 I gotta tell you, I think I have the best seat in the house for this.

Speaker 113 They're just loving it.

Speaker 15 Look at the smiles on these guys' faces. They all seem like the nicest guys, but they are loving just destroying you right now.

Speaker 25 Let's check in with Jeff Dow.

Speaker 145 I felt like that was a little out of character for the a cappella guy.

Speaker 49 Yeah, it was.

Speaker 63 Oh, so he seems like a nice guy.

Speaker 145 Why didn't you do it for all those other fuckers?

Speaker 161 Well, I mean, I couldn't.

Speaker 160 Why this one?

Speaker 118 I couldn't have him do it for the trans or the

Speaker 82 yeah, I missed it on. I missed it on Frank.

Speaker 87 You guys remember Frank?

Speaker 129 Frank was rough, but it was Frank's second time, and this guy's been doing it two years, so it really works for you because you've really had a lot of time to practice.

Speaker 38 This means more to you than it did for Frank.

Speaker 73 Josh, let's talk about it.

Speaker 5 It meant so much to Frank.

Speaker 31 Do you have any special skills or talents or anything, Josh?

Speaker 168 Like I said, I was living in Colorado, so I love to snowboard. And yeah, I got really into pit grilling, which was a lot of fun.

Speaker 99 What is it?

Speaker 168 Like smoking meat and stuff?

Speaker 49 Yeah.

Speaker 49 Rock and roll, dude.

Speaker 52 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 53 Smoking meat.

Speaker 52 Fuck yeah, dude.

Speaker 53 Snowboarding and smoking meat, dude.

Speaker 48 Yeah, dude, fuck yeah, damn.

Speaker 87 When I'm not snowboarding, I'm out there smoking meat.

Speaker 65 Fuck it.

Speaker 48 Have you guys seen this new fucking Superman movie then?

Speaker 139 Okay.

Speaker 12 Josh, when you do stand-up, what else do you talk about when you're not talking about the Superman movie?

Speaker 35 It's a 60-second setup for the lowest journalist survivor thing.

Speaker 50 Fair enough.

Speaker 151 Yeah, I talk a lot.

Speaker 168 My dad's from Mexico, and yeah, I talk a lot about that. It's funny because I don't, people tell me I don't like look Mexican or sound Mexican.
Right.

Speaker 21 And your last name is Canada.

Speaker 155 Yep, that's that's your dad's last name?

Speaker 168 It's uh, so it's Cañata.

Speaker 160 It's a CA.

Speaker 62 Oh.

Speaker 17 Oh, I do see an accent mark there.

Speaker 50 I thought you drew like a funny mustache above it or something.

Speaker 46 But now, which I guess works both ways.

Speaker 16 Yeah.

Speaker 168 It's just an end with like that weird ass sombrero. Yeah, it's a good time.

Speaker 99 Kenyatta.

Speaker 77 Yeah.

Speaker 60 Wow.

Speaker 79 My God.

Speaker 71 That's a name that makes you want to close down all the borders.

Speaker 168 Yeah, no, ever since the election of mine going by Canada, which is better for some reason. It's a good time.

Speaker 95 Amazing. Amazing, Josh.

Speaker 99 Okay, so let's try this again. You've been doing it two years.

Speaker 147 I don't want you to, after

Speaker 55 there was something,

Speaker 139 I didn't think the acapella group was going to light you up quite that hard.

Speaker 62 I feel,

Speaker 139 even I feel kind of bad.

Speaker 89 Even me, a writer of like 13 Comedy Central Roast, right?

Speaker 117 I mean, I do this every week.

Speaker 141 There's something about being told, you're not funny, in which I'm like, oh, God, that is as icy cold as it gets.

Speaker 107 Just nine guys hitting different notes and making it sound beautifully perfect.

Speaker 19 So I'm going to give you one chance here to redeem yourself.

Speaker 120 Two years in the game, I want you to do your best joke right now.

Speaker 103 Like a little quick, fast little like ba-boom.

Speaker 41 All right, all right, all right,

Speaker 105 move the mic stand out of the way. Move the mic stand.

Speaker 10 All right, all right.

Speaker 168 I think, uh,

Speaker 168 I think mental health is important

Speaker 168 just because you know, depressed people are so annoying.

Speaker 137 It's like, get over it, you know what I mean?

Speaker 168 And I'm not trying to like make light of suicidal people either, you know, because that's very serious. You know, with suicidal people, it's never who you want it to be.
You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 36 Still not not funny.

Speaker 22 My sweet, sweet Josh.

Speaker 72 Do you have any other special skills or talents other than snowboarding and smoking meats?

Speaker 49 Jeez, man.

Speaker 62 Fucking.

Speaker 87 I was fucking a girl and a pig the other night, eh?

Speaker 65 Awesome. Yeah.

Speaker 74 I used to like to act a lot.

Speaker 151 That was a lot of fun.

Speaker 168 Okay. So that was

Speaker 147 something I enjoyed doing kind of before covid do you live here now yeah okay well josh you know we need you to sign up again sometime josh okay um

Speaker 161 in the meanwhile um

Speaker 147 what do you got there what are you taking out

Speaker 71 uh here is a uh here's a little joke book wasn't that it wasn't a great day josh it gets better sometimes the story sometimes people grow on this.

Speaker 9 Appreciate you, man.

Speaker 14 One more time for Josh.

Speaker 9 Kenyatta, ladies and gentlemen. He'll be back.

Speaker 12 He ain't quitting.

Speaker 22 He'll come back.

Speaker 47 He's just got a fucking smoke some meats.

Speaker 60 He'll be back.

Speaker 118 Well, what an episode it's been.

Speaker 66 How could we forget it?

Speaker 109 It started with Kansai Yasuda feeding me ramen.

Speaker 86 Dedrick Flynn absolutely destroying from the middle position.

Speaker 105 And we've seen a lot since then.

Speaker 68 There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 9 And if you ask me, it is with the reigning defending record holder for all-time appearances and all-time interviews he's a killtony hall of famer that god himself said i love that man

Speaker 8 some people call him the vanilla gorilla the memphis strangler the tijuana tarantula the bernie bush ladies and gentlemen this is the big red machine the one and only lights out william montgoy

Speaker 136 Remember when you could wish COVID on your worst enemy and it meant something?

Speaker 136 Mamdani, and by the way, I hope I'm pronouncing that right so I don't get jihadied after the show, was just elected mayor and conservatives are pissed.

Speaker 136 Meanwhile, my ass is handing out hitchhiking directions to the Austin Austin homeless population.

Speaker 88 You're free.

Speaker 103 Go live in prosperity.

Speaker 136 Hey, Red Band, kiss me if I'm wrong. But if you blow bubbles, can that spread hepatitis?

Speaker 136 Tesla's shareholders approved a trillion-dollar pay package for Elon Musk. That lucky son of a bitch is going to be able to retire at 55.

Speaker 136 Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 16 William lights out.

Speaker 135 Montgomery has done it again.

Speaker 18 I got to tell you, William, I think we should just jump right into it.

Speaker 109 Right?

Speaker 68 You went a little viral this week.

Speaker 78 I think everybody saw it.

Speaker 105 It's like a big deal. You want to talk about it, William?

Speaker 136 Tony, it was the, I'm just going to use the word exciting.

Speaker 119 It was the most exciting show I've done in years.

Speaker 136 I'm not even kidding.

Speaker 136 I get up, I did this, some festival, a little festival here in Austin. And I'm doing 25 minutes.
And within the first two minutes, some random person joins me on stage. He gets right beside me.

Speaker 136 Thank God he didn't have a gun or a knife or he would have killed me. He was standing right beside me.
And he asked for the microphone. And I just, I'm confused.
I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 136 So I do the microphone to him. And he's like, you're garbage.

Speaker 25 This is garbage.

Speaker 136 So that set a really good tone for the other 23 minutes I had to do after that fucking guy. I'm literally, people are, this hasn't happened.

Speaker 136 And towards the end of it, thank God, I was able to just kind of relax and try to appreciate everything. But it was a whole bunch of kill yourself, get off the fucking stage, wear the tomatoes.

Speaker 136 That's the one that hurt me the most. Some idiot kept on yelling, wear the tomatoes.

Speaker 136 But I had to power through because I'm like, oh my God, I have to get paid. I have to do the time.
So it was,

Speaker 136 so I had to do it, but it was scary.

Speaker 136 But in the first 30 seconds, i could tell it wasn't going to go great and then the guy joins me on stage and i didn't know who morgan jay was but i i learned a couple things this weekend i really did and one of the things is is just see who the headliner person is and it was a guy named morgan jay and i never met the guy before he's very nice he came up to me and he said hello but i guess his whole thing is is he does the auto-tune microphone and does crowd work the whole time he goes out into the crowd so it's a little different than the comedy that i do yes without a

Speaker 136 night and day different than what I do.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 136 Because a lot of his fans, I think, check it out.

Speaker 63 It could have been worse. You could have had an acapaola band tell you that you're shit.

Speaker 109 Yeah.

Speaker 4 If the whole wave. Hold on.

Speaker 88 I don't get it. Don't man has to know.

Speaker 74 I'm kidding. I know.

Speaker 16 That would have been bad. That would have been bad.

Speaker 25 That would have been bad.

Speaker 111 And

Speaker 120 let's be clear here that your comedy style doesn't go that bad.

Speaker 53 ever. Never.

Speaker 17 It's impossible because you

Speaker 120 headline your own shows.

Speaker 34 People come out to see you.

Speaker 131 And sometimes you're on some of my shows in which everybody knows you.

Speaker 133 And for this festival, you were paid a very handsome amount of money to do a gig that you normally wouldn't do because you normally, let's just be honest here, you normally...

Speaker 36 don't perform in your hometown very often.

Speaker 124 You work.

Speaker 102 Not very often.

Speaker 34 You love making vast sums of money for your art.

Speaker 102 Saying that, I mean, but you do

Speaker 146 this here Tony well yeah because you're

Speaker 109 yeah okay yep okay

Speaker 5 let me just plow through what I'm saying here for a second oh no you go ahead James I was gonna say I think after that video tickets might turn around

Speaker 5 I think honestly that was a big viral thing and people are gonna want to do that again

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 5 that's quite scary, but financially,

Speaker 156 that's good.

Speaker 141 It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. Yeah,

Speaker 42 without a doubt. We all love it.

Speaker 82 The Kiltoni fans love it because the jokes are rock solid.

Speaker 129 But

Speaker 136 my Paul Walker, Paul Crasher joke, and it is an uproarious boo, just this barrage of booze.

Speaker 153 They can't, so they love Paul Walker. I guess the Morgan J fans love Paul Walker.
I had no idea.

Speaker 136 See, if I knew that, I wouldn't have done that joke. And there were other jokes, too, that I wouldn't have done.

Speaker 117 I don't know if there's any way to say this without being slightly political, right?

Speaker 95 But guys like that that literally kind of like sing about that at a like very talking about Indian guys?

Speaker 10 No. No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 41 I'm kidding.

Speaker 21 I mean, the guy, you know, I mean, it's, it's funny.

Speaker 47 There's Kiltoni fans, right?

Speaker 49 And then there's.

Speaker 5 No, my gosh, you seem wonderful.

Speaker 136 I was watching his videos, and at first I was confused because I was like, oh, my gosh, what's going on? Where are the jokes? But then I'm watching it. I'm like, oh, this is funny.

Speaker 145 Right.

Speaker 136 It was funny.

Speaker 44 Yes, it was.

Speaker 136 There's one thing where it's the older guy sitting next to a young kid, and he's like, How do you know this kid?

Speaker 136 And that made me laugh because it's like, and then the guy's like, Oh, it's my cousin. And it's like, oh my gosh, and it's auto-to-that's your cousin.

Speaker 36 That's your, yeah.

Speaker 34 And like, so that fan base that this guy has built is, let's just say,

Speaker 39 very, very clean,

Speaker 39 right? Very clean.

Speaker 68 Not anything of any, like,

Speaker 32 you know.

Speaker 5 It's woke church shit, pretty much.

Speaker 60 Well, I mean, you know, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 136 No, I mean, he was real nice to me.

Speaker 153 I have nothing.

Speaker 105 I'm not saying anything bad about him.

Speaker 34 Why don't we do this?

Speaker 38 Why don't you describe what the audience was like?

Speaker 124 If you could describe what you were looking at out there, what did it look like to you?

Speaker 136 Mainly Hispanic people.

Speaker 88 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 64 I'm kidding.

Speaker 52 Okay.

Speaker 136 But yeah, no, it seemed like a lot of Hispanic people. But in the past,

Speaker 11 there have been wonderful nice people.

Speaker 58 What did you tell me on the phone when I called you?

Speaker 34 When I called you to make sure you weren't going to kill yourself.

Speaker 105 How did you describe the audience to me?

Speaker 68 Do you remember?

Speaker 131 They looked very

Speaker 136 non-oh, non-binary.

Speaker 36 Right.

Speaker 136 And I say that, no, and seriously, and that's just a descriptor. It means nothing.

Speaker 62 I don't care one way or the other.

Speaker 156 But for the record.

Speaker 13 Look, you're not going to win them back now, William.

Speaker 136 No, I'm not trying to say, I don't give a shit. But for the record, record when i'm calling the person a slut and a bitch that was a non-binary looking fucking

Speaker 88 nasty looking bitch

Speaker 136 yelling fucking for my death literally saying kill yourself and i feel weird tony because i literally see a hundred cameras up there so i'm like uh this is awkward because it's like i gotta try to defend myself a little i guess because there's all these people but it's all these idiots filming and it's i don't know right it was all so i just powered through it.

Speaker 14 But it's just a different type of.

Speaker 136 Telling the jokes.

Speaker 36 A different type of audience.

Speaker 79 It has.

Speaker 25 It was. Yes.

Speaker 136 And it was scary. It scared me a little bit.

Speaker 17 There's people that

Speaker 85 if I was in that spot, it would have been the same thing.

Speaker 34 Like, there's certain audiences that literally perhaps have never seen a real comedy show before.

Speaker 34 They see someone that's famous on Instagram. They go and they just want to see them sing auto-tune crowd work.

Speaker 34 And you're up there doing actual jokes.

Speaker 117 I bet you went out there.

Speaker 72 I bet you didn't see a single corn t-shirt or an Ozzy Osborne t-shirt, right?

Speaker 118 Like you do out here.

Speaker 159 It's a little bit different of a crowd.

Speaker 128 Correct, yes. Very.

Speaker 136 Totally in agreeance on that.

Speaker 60 Right.

Speaker 159 So,

Speaker 47 what did you learn from this experience,

Speaker 157 William?

Speaker 66 Yeah, let's play a little clip.

Speaker 79 Red Band has a little clip.

Speaker 88 Get him out of here!

Speaker 88 Holy shit!

Speaker 88 What the fuck did you just say to me, bitch?

Speaker 88 Don't go over it, bitch!

Speaker 130 Yikes!

Speaker 50 Wow, so that's uh that's a little bit hungry.

Speaker 9 Let me get that one. Legitimately, angry.

Speaker 16 We have a little bit more.

Speaker 9 Hold on, let's play a little bit more.

Speaker 153 This is playing well in this room.

Speaker 103 So I started taking weed, Viagra, but the only problem is whenever I smoke it, my eyes get hard.

Speaker 62 It's amazing. It's kids.

Speaker 41 Maybe I'll just need to buckle in because I'm

Speaker 4 zero laughter.

Speaker 62 Zero laughter.

Speaker 51 And there's a lot of people, hundreds.

Speaker 6 It was in fact booze.

Speaker 136 It was not only not laughter, it was also booze.

Speaker 49 Wow.

Speaker 16 Like the entire time.

Speaker 164 Crazy that your jokes destroy here and get booze there.

Speaker 20 My recommendation is they should have perhaps Frank open up for Morgan J next time because he gets booze here.

Speaker 17 Maybe he would get big laughs there.

Speaker 72 Maybe Frank, his third appearance ever, he should make thousands and thousands of dollars to do 25 minutes.

Speaker 47 William, you look fantastic. How much weight have you lost?

Speaker 136 Thank you. I don't know.
It's the Manjaro I'm on.

Speaker 74 Oh. No, it's,

Speaker 136 yeah, well, I haven't been able to do the row machine in two weeks. It's very sad.
I'm getting into a weird thing. God, after that set in the past, if it was when I was...

Speaker 136 Sorry, I was looking at your bosoms for a second.

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 137 She really has her mouth there.

Speaker 49 Those are. I'm kidding.

Speaker 62 Those are big. Yeah, those are huge.

Speaker 21 Those are giant bosoms.

Speaker 136 What was I talking about?

Speaker 103 I don't even remember what I was talking about.

Speaker 25 Wait, seriously.

Speaker 153 I'm not being mean or anything.

Speaker 103 What was I talking about, though?

Speaker 136 Oh, yeah, no.

Speaker 136 After the set, normally, if it was when I was drinking and doing cocaine, I would have got all fucked up, but I just ate a large Papa John stuffed crust pizza. So I'm doing better.

Speaker 14 Wow, what did you have on your Papa John's large stuff crust?

Speaker 88 Just a little sausage torn!

Speaker 71 Wow!

Speaker 71 What else? What else was on the pizza?

Speaker 91 It was just sausage. Oh, well,

Speaker 9 you did it again, William Montgomery.

Speaker 42 You might get booze and silence other places, but here he is beloved.

Speaker 107 Guys,

Speaker 103 let's see what Ryan J.

Speaker 9 Ebelt drew tonight during this.

Speaker 87 Wow, look at that.

Speaker 9 That's James McCann and Jeff Dye. RyanJ Ebelt.com for those friends.
Chris Rogers, what'd you draw tonight?

Speaker 149 Oh, shit, the new regular Dedrick Flynn over there.

Speaker 9 Guys, how loud can this place get for our guest, James McCann, whose new book of poems, Disquieting Levels of Egg, is on Amazon right now.

Speaker 103 His special is a wild hit on YouTube.

Speaker 58 Black Israelite, he has the James McCann Catamaran podcast.

Speaker 5 Don't forget that new book of poems, Disquieting Levels of Egg.

Speaker 5 There you go. You've forgotten a bit.

Speaker 87 They love poems, this crowd.

Speaker 160 Perhaps Morgan Jay can tweet it.

Speaker 108 They're going to love it.

Speaker 5 Those people are sick and disgusting. Can I say, fuck them? I love you.

Speaker 9 James McCann, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 Jeff Dye is on tour at JeffDye.com. He has the new Die Hard Pod.

Speaker 149 Thank you, Jeff.

Speaker 16 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 86 How about one more time for Straight No Chaser over there?

Speaker 63 Their pre-show performance was unbelievable.

Speaker 13 Loved the cameo during the show.

Speaker 144 SNCMusic.com.

Speaker 32 They're on tour everywhere.

Speaker 68 Follow them on social media at SNCMusic.

Speaker 74 They are unbelievable.

Speaker 12 Thank you to Talkspace, ZipRecruiter, and Tocobas.

Speaker 108 HeidiRegina.com, RyanJebelt.com, Red Band.

Speaker 141 Check out my fake band. I got a couple new songs.
Catbred 7 on YouTube.

Speaker 78 Cap Red Music. Love you guys.

Speaker 87 That is AI Music.

Speaker 142 For those of you that literally will listen to anything.

Speaker 12 He's got a new AI thing he's doing.

Speaker 147 My poetry, Tony.

Speaker 68 It's really amazing.

Speaker 121 I mean, if you love anything, you will love Cap Red Music.

Speaker 62 Whiskey hole, check it out.

Speaker 64 Yeah.

Speaker 109 Alright.

Speaker 89 How about one more time for the best stand band in all the land, live audience?

Speaker 9 We love you guys. Thank you so much.

Speaker 42 Good night, everybody.

Speaker 30 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 30 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStriptatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 29 From wine country weekends to scenic drives through the Sierra foothills, fall is the perfect time to explore California, and there's no better way to do it than in a a brand new Toyota hybrid.

Speaker 29 With 17 fuel-efficient options like the stylish all-hybrid Camry, the Adventure-Ready RAV4 hybrid, or the spacious Grand Highlander hybrid, Toyota has the perfect ride for any adventure.

Speaker 29 Every new Toyota comes with Toyota Care, a two-year complementary scheduled maintenance plan, an exclusive hybrid battery warranty, and of course, Toyota's legendary quality and reliability.

Speaker 29 Visit your local Toyota dealer and test drive one today, so you can be prepared for wherever the road takes you this fall.

Speaker 3 Toyota, let's go places.

Speaker 29 See your local Toyota dealer for hybrid battery warranty details.

#745 - JAMES MCCANN + JEFF DYE

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Transcript

More episodes from KILL TONY

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#741 - PAULY SHORE + ROSEANNE