#747 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + NICK ROCHEFORT

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She's wide awake in her whiskey hole.

You guys ready start this fucking show or what, huh?

Every single week, I have two of the best comedians in the world on this show. Now, this is a fun one.

This is a little chemistry set for you because sometimes I take great pride in introducing some of the top rising comedians in the world on this panel.

We were one of the first shows ever to show you fucking,

you know, Tim Dylan coming up and Shane Gillis coming up many, many years ago. This is one of those nights where you get a little bit of both.

You get one of the first-time guests who I think is funny as fuck. And you have an absolute complete legend.
In fact, he is the reigning, defending 2024 guest of the year.

Ladies and gentlemen, your two guests tonight are Harlan Williams and Nick Rochefort.

Yeah!

Oh my god, there he is.

Harlan Williams.

Nick Rochefort.

Harlan is back, ladies and gentlemen. of the Harlan Highway.

Nick Rochefort is on the Scot Scuffed Real Tour. Welcome, Nick.
Holy shit, how exciting. Harland Williams.
Buddy,

I got to say I'm a little anxiety-ridden tonight.

I rushed out of the house, and I don't know, mostly the women might relate to this one, but

I don't like to come up here nervous or out of sorts, but I'm going to be honest, I left a seven-layer lasagna in the oven.

You're going to laugh.

Seven layers. What are the different layers? Well, let's not be nosy.

The highest I've done is a 12, and this was back during the... Do you remember the space shuttle era? Yeah.
And

they used to put those.

They used to put the space tiles on the space shuttle. Do you remember that?

And they deflected the heat, and they allowed the space shuttle to ease back into Earth, and kind of like what you do to your wife, sir. Yeah.

And what I used to do, Tony,

daddy likes to drive fast.

And so, what I do, I did a 14-layer lasagna.

I cut it up the same size as the space tile, stuck them all over my Corvette Stingray,

and I went 102 through Bakersfield.

Wow,

that is amazing. Nick Rochefort is here, ladies and gentlemen.

The debut of Nick Rochefort in the Kill Tony universe. How we doing, Nick? I made an eight-layer lasagna.

Here's the thing about space. I worked on the space is fake, but I don't know.

We're going to have some fun here tonight.

Nick's first time on the show. Nick, you might not know, but over 300 innocent souls

signed up for for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If it happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm going to let this convict on the run pick the first name.

This is very exciting. He dug in there a little bit.
He pulled one out. Very, very exciting.
And like that, we go wrangle that comedian who has no idea that they just got selected. They're over there.

It's dark it's gloomy at shakespeare's next door people are there's a little water cooler they keep refilling their little plastic cups and some of them are drinking they have a deal with what is it vodka soda pitcher for like three dollars

Some of them are like, ah, I'm not getting pulled. And they just start fucking getting drunk over there.
We have a DUI breathalyzer to check them in case they get too fucked up. Anything can happen.

We crush dreams here and we make superstars all the time. Anything can happen.
Let's start the show. Your first comedian.
He's from Canada. He's a very, very energized young bunny rabbit.

Make some noise for the return of Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

Recently, I was told taking a bath makes me feminine. And if having a bath makes me feminine, then tuck my nuts and call me Danielle because I do not give a fuck.

you know how many times I've seen you girls take those bathtub photos with your foot underneath the faucet and like a half a glass of chardonnay in the corner mind you it's a full bottle eh and then uh the little motivational quote of like live your best life queen be who you're supposed to be like i want to have that so bad i saw a girl have a chartret in the back of her bathtub

I'm like, why can't I have a bruschetta and a bath bomb as a bro?

You know, like, I already take a shit and I eat a parfait. I might as well have a meat and cheese spread while I bathe.
I'd have to make it more manly though, right?

I'd have to have a half-crushed modello can in the corner and instead of a chartrutterie tray though, just a floating Zinpuck in the background.

You know, but I fear if I took that photo, one of my buddies would just zoom in on the stainless steel faucet, catch my dick just floating right in the middle of the tub. Because that's what it does.

I'm not gonna lie, it's just a buoy sitting in the middle of the lake flaccid, just chilling, you know? Because that's what I do.

Whenever I see you you girls take those photos, I'm fucking zooming, dude. To the point where I can't zoom no more, and then I just take a screenshot and zoom in an extra little bit.

Just to see if I can catch a dorsal fin underneath the water. Thank you guys.
That'd be Danny Martinello. Danny Martinello representing Canada here tonight.
Let me ask you a question, Danny. Yeah.

Have you ever heard anyone else,

have you only read the word chartootery?

Have you ever talked with anyone about chartootery? Have you run that by anybody? To be honest, like, I don't even really know how to read, dude.

Have you ever sounded out? Have you ever spoken with anybody about chartooery?

Yeah, usually I'm like, can I just have some extra cheese and then like meats and stuff on it? But no, it's charcuterie, right? So you're doing it on purpose.

Whoa, you guys fucking figured it out, right?

No, we thought you were retarded for a second.

I mean, it ain't no difference than any of J, Jay, Tony. You always think I'm retarded.
The way you say it, bro, it sounds like a bowel disease, honestly.

And if I can just add to the floating penis thing, I mean, I think there's something you really forgot that we got to add, and most of you might not know this, but the penis does float, and the little hole in the tip gasps for air like a koi fish.

So if you throw fish food in a man's bath, you'll eat it all up.

And for you ladies, let's be honest, you just drown in a corned beef sandwich when you take a bath. That is true.

That is true.

So you've been enjoying baths. This is all real? Yeah, I've been trying to like just relax and stuff.
And I sit in the bath, I think, the shower anyway, so I was like, I might as well just fill it up.

You have roommates?

No, not really, no.

Not really? No, I have a roommate, but he lives in Canada, and then he only comes, like, a couple times a a year. So, like, I'm kind of, like, just living on my own, which is pretty sick.

Yeah.

I miss him so much, and I wish he would show. All right, Danny.
I thought you guys would have fun with that, but. Wacky.
No one really gave a fuck.

He thought I was going to jump on and do a five-star frog splash on the table.

Okay, Danny, what kind of Adderall are you on exactly?

Canadian, Mexican? Severely overdiagnosed and under-medicated.

I don't do any of that stuff because I feel like it takes away from my spirit. Wow, so you've tried it.
You've tried it. Yeah, I was forced to take Riddle in in grade four through seven.

And you felt like it affected your creativity in grades four through seven? Yes,

I was a stunted artist in that year, and it took away my shine. And my mom said, he's just a difficult spirit.
You should be able to handle him as a teacher.

But Edmonton Public School Board made me take Riddle in if I wanted to stay in Emmett Polyche. So this Riddlein you took, you said you took it daily? Yeah, I had to take it at lunch.

How many cases a day did you take?

Just one pill, and it was funny.

They lined us up like little ab rats and we'd have to go check in at the office and go, ah.

And then, but I didn't take, I'd put it under like in the pocket, and then I would give it to this kid named Jamie Anderson, and I'd watch him snort it in the urinal.

Wow.

In grade five, it was pretty sick. You were like a Riddle and Pez machine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

and then it would come up. Well, that's a cunnelingus machine right there.

Yeah.

Are you shooting them into your girl's vulva? Yeah.

From afar, like a Thai pig pong. Let's see it.
Can you do that with your mouth again?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know why two men wanted to open my mouth like that, but here we are. That's a Pez Vulva right there.

Very scary. Danny, what else is going on in your life? Anything else?

Nothing much. I came back from, I went to Mexico for a wedding, which was pretty fun, except for I got Montezuma's revenge.

What exactly is that? Describe that to the people.

It's where you just basically shit through a badminton racket for five days.

So yeah, I had Traveler's Diarrhea. It was pretty good.
You drink the water like Charlotte from Sex in the City? Yeah, we got a little bit fucked up and an ice cube took me out.

Wow. You know you're tough, eh? You just get a slushy drink and you're like,

but it was pretty good. I mean, yeah, I enjoyed it.
It was fun. You enjoyed the diarrhea in Mexico? Yeah, so I was hitting the buffet a little too big.

And then, so then by the end of it, I was like... So fucking Canadian, right? Oh, I was hitting the buffet too big.
Yeah, well, you know, alright?

You like, just, you just, you just gorge yourself, right? Because it's like, you're like, fucking, you're like a Roman, and you're like, I'm going to eat everything.

Don't look at the Mexicans like that. What are you turning around for? You're spinning around now.
Immigrant to another.

I don't know. This is the safest place over here besides Harland Eyes.
I'm looking at Tony and then he's like, oh, no, something's going to come. I don't trust you, dude.

I don't know what's up, but I shouldn't, pal. You fucking damn right you shouldn't.

Danny. Yeah, no, it was all right, and it was good.
And then there's, yeah, I don't know. I don't feel like I'm talking too much right now.
Perfect.

Danny, congratulations. You started the show with a minute.
Thanks, guys. There he goes.
Back to Canada, he goes. Danny Martinello, everybody.

This is where things get interesting because we are going to the bucket for our first time tonight, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet human beings all together.

This is the bread and butter of the show. People can become stars out of this bucket.
They can fucking blow it. The pressure can get to them.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Matthew Coffin, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

So of course, Trump would call an operation that requires massive missiles to deeply penetrate a mountain to destroy a nuclear facility, Operation Midnight Hammer.

Which I don't even feel creative saying it at all because I'm sure me, just like millions of other people, all thought the same thing. And that's the perfect name for a black porn star.

I mean, come on.

Coming tonight, Midnight Hammer. But anyways, just further proof, he's our dick.
Anyways,

the older I get, I feel like the more I'm turning into an old black lady, especially during the winter time, I always feel like I need a little Afghan or a little shawl around my shoulder.

And I'm always saying, Lord, have mercy.

For some reason, my cell phone thinks that my nuts stink and I beat my dog. And I don't know how, I mean, I don't know why my phone thinks my nuts think.

It's that like the phone has a nose or anything, and I don't talk about that stuff or anything. But it thinks I beat my dog.
I'll get these.

little alerts on my phone that says don't abuse your animal there's other ways to discipline it and it's because i sing to him and say stupid shit. Like,

oh my god, holy shit,

holy shit, Matthew. I was just gonna say,

let's check in with Nick Rosher for it. That's one fucking suicidal Pomeranian right there, I'll tell you that much.
Yeah,

saddest dog that's ever lived.

That fucking poor dog just walking around,

not even walking around, probably dying to run away right now. He's happy you stopped talking.
Yeah.

I thought it was a cat to be honest

a suitcase cat it's got a fucking handle

the dog is the most interesting part of your entire set

you really just like do you practice this matthew do you like try yeah it's it's been a really busy week

I haven't actually been on stage in about three weeks because I've been busy like work working. What have you been been doing for work work?

Between over here, like I told you the last time, I've been working over at the strip club now too. Working a parking lot.
You're working the parking lot? Yeah. At the strip club.

What exactly are you doing in the parking lot? Would you like general parking or VIP?

And that's what you do? Mostly try to direct Uber drivers that don't speak English where to go in the right way and stuff like that. It's fun.
Right.

And do you have your dog with you when you're doing that? Yep, he hangs out by the car and he's

got his little leash attached to the inside of the car. He's got his little pillow out there and everything.
He hangs out there with me. Okay.
How long have you had this dog for?

All eight years of his life. All eight years of his life.
And what's the name of the dog? His name's Lucius Fox. Okay.
All right. So,

Matthew, that is what you would call your service animal, correct? Yeah, I had to pay the extra for it because I can't be without him. He can't be without me.
It just, it's just.

He can be without you. He could be with anybody else.

Ask anybody next door.

And

are you, have you been diagnosed with anything? Is there a reason why you have a service dog or is that just your trick to life? Is that what makes people think you're okay?

I didn't even know it was a thing like to use like service animals like to get your not have to pay for certain things for your apartment and stuff. I had no idea.

I was just like, I was telling you later on if she was like, I can't be without him.

You answered an entirely different question.

I was saying, I can't be without him.

I had to talk to a lady to get the license and all that. So I was like,

I can't be without him. He can't be without me.
This is a real human being, ladies and gentlemen. Just to know, these aren't like character actors that we hire, something like that.

Do you think you're sending the wrong message standing in a parking lot holding a dog at a place where you're trying to sell pussy?

Like I said, he hangs out by the car and some people like him and say hello and and stuff and it's pretty cool. Everybody's thinking it.
Do you fuck the dog?

Do you fuck the dog? One of the other guys likes to call him a little furry fleshlight, but no.

Wow. But he's not.

His bed is my bed though.

He's got an interesting story.

Holy shit, dude, this is crazy.

Matthew. Your sleeve isn't up his ass, is it?

There's

nothing normal.

There's nothing normal about this. Is there anything that you do without the dog?

Not since I moved out here to Texas. You're just always with...

Sat on my lap all 1,600 plus miles cross-country to get here. Uh-huh.
And you came here to do stand-up comedy.

Well, like I said, after I got struck in the head with that steel girder, I took that settlement money and I was like, I can't keep denying who I am. I'm a carney.
I'm a clown.

I have to go where everything's happening at.

What makes you big swings for defense? Okay. I can't handle another second of this.

That dog is going to be leaking in 10 minutes.

Matthew, you already have a very small joke book, correct? Yes. There you go.
There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Matthew Coffin, everybody.

Matthew, you got to take like a year off or something.

Take like a year off. Sign up in a year.

Absolutely psychotically bad.

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We're all little service dogs when the lovely Heidi comes out. Am I right? How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen?

All right, let's see if this bucket pull does any better. Make some noise for a fender, everybody.
Here comes a fender.

I know what you guys are thinking.

My hair says California, but my voice says I'd fuck a cousin.

Being from the South is challenging. Usually doesn't take people long to accuse me of being some type of no-good, methed-up, wife-beaten, racist, toothless Trump supporter.

But that's not true. See, in Alabama, you can only be three of those things.

Because once you're four, we ship your ass to Florida.

To become a legal resident of that state, you've got a fucking alligator. Hell yeah, brother.

They're going to try to tell you it tastes like chicken, but I promise you this

does not fuck like one.

The other day, my friend said I reminded him of a young Ron White

supremacist.

All right, I'll leave it there. There you go.
Offender getting actual laughs this time.

Believe it or not, Offender's been on this show before, and at one point he was doing as bad as the last comedian that was on. I swear to God.

Believe it or not, an incredible amount of growth shown this set, Offender. Oh, look at Matt Muelling.

He likes growth, everybody. Yay.

I am a grower. So, Offender, how long have you...

And what?

A pot grower, guys. A pot grower.
I'm a pot grower. You're a pot grower.
Yeah. That's what you do for a living?

Yeah. Okay.
Where do you grow it? Oregon. Oregon.
Yeah, Williams, Oregon. Do you want the exact, like...

Yes. No.
Yeah. No.

No offender, no. And the business is going good for you?

I just,

you know, I was living on my short bus for nine months, chasing the streaming comedy. Uh-huh.
I left for three months. I just paid for an apartment for six months up front.
Okay. Looking.

I am not homeless no more. I am not homeless no more.

I got a bathroom. Wow.

Six months worth of bathroom.

How are you planning? Have you decorated this apartment at all or are you treating it like it's still a bus?

No, no, I decorated. So I got a medicine cabinet.

Okay. A medicine cabinet? Yes.
Okay.

Yes.

Really cool. I've never had a medicine cabinet before.
Yes, somewhere to put all of your medicine. All of my medicine.

I got my rolling papers in there my grinder above it i got the clone and the eye drops which i forgot to bring right now sorry about that that's not decorating though that just like that that comes with the apartment is your walls just like you spread poop i got a medicine cabinet i've done a lot of decorating yeah can i ask you something bro just just this is just a reaction it's almost like a like a test when they when they hit your knee at the doctor's office it's a reflex there okay i'm gonna say something I just want to, thanks for crouching.

I can still see you.

Go ahead, Harlan. I'm sorry about that crouching tiger.
Like the giant crawdad went by in the mud.

And this is just like a reflex thing. I'm going to say it.
I just want to see how you react. All right, guy?

I can't believe it's not Bada.

All right. He was my stab stepdad so that makes sense okay a little fabio reference straight out of 1994 for you back when

yeah i'll never forget i was in my bedroom playing with a lasagna and uh

offender tell us more about this new apartment this is a big deal for you a lot

yeah dude i was living amongst these homeless these savages dude they take shits in the street you got to be respectable you got to put it in a bag and then you got to find a trash can far far away from the mothership.

Okay. I've always wanted to ask this question.
I'm not trying to be a wise guy, but when a homeless dude or woman cracks a loaf in the street,

like when they drop a cracker barrel thunder loaf or a olive garden chicken souffle, whatever you want to call it, what do you wipe with?

It's a great question. What do they wipe with? You were out there, you had a first-hand account.
I'm pretty sure, shockingly, nothing. They don't wash their hands either.

So they're just walking around with the leftover in their crack. Yeah.
A little. Wow, dude.
I wasn't ready for that answer.

A little souffle for later. Did you ever like bend down? You were desperate.
Maybe you had a hot date with another homeless chick the other night.

and you bent down backwards and wiped your crack with your golden fleecy hair?

that's a great question

great question offender are you making money anyway while you're here in austin texas yes sir how are you doing that comedy you're making money you're doing paid gigs i do paid gigs i bark whatever however i can help any show or anybody that has an opportunity for me i extend my offer and say hey i'm willing to do this i live here for this I mean, how often do you bark?

More or less than the last comedian's dog?

Not a real question. Offender, what's your love life like? You're a handsome man.
Thank you. How does that work out for you now that you have your own apartment? Is that something that you're doing?

You know, it's something that every man probably is thinking about,

but me personally,

I don't have time for it, man. You don't have time for the ladies.
No. No.

Well, you got yourself. Look at you.

What is the tattoo right here on the arm?

I'm glad I asked.

Okay. I don't know if you guys can see it.
Can you describe it with words? Yes. All right.
So it's got a wood handle, a metal shaft. Some would call it a shank, but it's not.
Okay.

It's an old-school can opener. Nice.

I was more talking about it in case I have to open a can of whoop-ass on somebody. You know what I mean? I was more talking about the Predator CIA coating you have on your wrist right here.

What the hell is that? Yeah, what's that? That's frightening. Okay, so I have this right here is Yuzetti.
Uh-huh. And then this is Dottie.

That's Croatian for give and take, because life is all about the give and take. Wild.
Okay. All right.
Did you ever meet a homeless woman with a tattoo of a can of beans on her leg? Yeah.

Celia Contreras, dude.

I did just.

You guys were at Skank Fest. I was actually working there, which was a fucking great time.
I actually fought in the Skank fights. Okay.

How did that go? 25 second submission, arm bar, the fastest submission of the weekend. You won? Fuck yeah.
Oh my god. You hit the fucking, you hit the can opener on somebody.
Hell yeah, I did.

Good thing I have it. Wow.
Absolutely incredible. Triple HIV.

Yeah.

I gotta ask, though. I gotta follow up.
You're in the street, right? I was. Yes, sir.
Well, you still are. Yes, sir.

And it's a tough world out there, right? We've all watched Animal Planet, right?

Yeah.

You ever, since you do have some mad skills in the ring, you ever get into any tussles out on the mean streets, my guy?

Yeah, so I'm actually like notoriously known for breaking up fights down here, trying to protect people from harming themselves even further. Oh, wow.

One night a guy did aggress me and I had to, you know, take care of myself.

You jerked off on him? Fuck yeah, I did.

Yeah, they pulled out a stretcher and everything. No, but I did have to wrap up a guy, but I tried to do it in a respectful way that doesn't harm anybody.

The worst thing is, in today's, especially on the street, it's pretty violent. People need to be aware.
Did he put hands on you? Did you take any shots, my guy?

Dip and then hip toss and put him in a triangle. Choked him till the cop showed up.

Showed up. He broke into a square dance from what you just showed me.

Well, let's not act that out. Okay.
Offender, congratulations. You've never gotten a big joke book on this show show before, correct?

Have you? I have the very first. Well, then, there you go.

Are you just saying that? Are you going to sell this on the streets to somebody? All right, there you go. Offender, ladies and gentlemen.
There we go.

Two return bucket poles to start the show. This looks like a new name.
Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong.
We're going to find out, but let's hear it for Emo Majoc, ladies and gentlemen. Emo Majoc.

Here we

Nothing book?

No, I'm fucking around. I speak English, guys.

Holy shit, there's a lot of white people.

I'm Tariq's stepdaddy, the black as fuck one.

I'm from South Sudan. I'm from South Sudan, but I live out in Australia.

I love the diversity you got here in America because there's no black people in Australia. There's like literally like me and my cousin Chad.

So

I'm out in LA right now and I love doing the comedy in LA.

I do the black rooms over there. The black rooms are kind of like this, but with black people.

And I love performing with African Americans, you know, because as an African, we see African Americans as our cousins.

Like an African American is technically an African that got caught.

and every four years at the Olympics they're remark they remind the world that you will never catch them again

emoji ladies and gentlemen wow what up Tony great set emo welcome this is your first time on the show out here yeah I've tried a couple times but this is my first time out here so yeah hell yeah and how long you been on stand-up I've been doing stand-up for about seven seven years now.

Seven

years. And all of it in South Sudan? How much in America? No, no, no, no, no.

Now, out in Australia, I'm from Perth, Western Australia. I've been doing it out there, but I'm mainly in Melbourne.
I'm all around Australia. All around Australia.

Look at you. Amazing.
He wrote a shipping container to get there.

How did you end up in Perth?

It was, we got sponsored as refugees.

So we got taken to Australia.

How old were you when that happened? Like I reverse slavery.

I was eight years old. I was eight years old.

Amazing. Yeah.
Amazing.

Can I

give them a compliment? Yeah, give them a compliment. Can I give you a wonderful compliment, my friend? Yeah, absolutely, man.
Go for it, go for it. We all have different gradients and shades of skin.

Black people, white people, Asian people. You want to touch it? Is that what you're trying to say?

I think I would. Yeah.

You have like dark skin, but it's a beautiful, I just love the tone and the shade of your skin. Thank you, man.

When white people show that much interest in black people, I got nervous.

What's your address?

Amazing.

Emo,

when I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark.

And now here I am

meeting you.

So I have to ask you, what scares you? What scares me? Yeah.

White people.

That makes sense. White people and cops.
That makes perfect sense. What's your address? What's my address?

Exactly what I'm talking about.

Ema, what else are you into? You have any special skills or hobbies or talents?

I love standout, man. I love traveling.
I travel a lot.

I try to express myself to as much cultures as possible. Yeah.
What have you learned from these different cultures? What are some of your favorite cultures?

uh that we what have i learned that we are one race hold on wait what one race one human race one race yeah yeah yeah okay so you're a marathon guy

uh but like where are the your favorite places that you've traveled places uh i've been out to asia but i i love i love being out here in america you do make me a little bit nervous with your guns and shit

but um yeah america's cool um every different state has got their own little different rules and different cultures and stuff. So I really like it.
You say that Texas's guns make you nervous.

Have you ever shot a gun? Yeah, I shot guns. Yeah, come on.
I'm from Africa.

Okay.

All right.

I love it. You shot guns in Africa? I shot guns in Australia and yeah, in Africa, yeah.
Okay, what were you shooting in Africa? Was that at a range or just cans?

What? Cans?

Cans.

Container ship captains. That's who we shot.

You ever shoot a slingshot or throw a rock? Yeah,

I made a slingshot when I was a kid. Okay, well, go to Canada.
You can do it some more. I just came from Canada.
I had my first Canadian winter just recently.

You had your first what? My first Canadian winter. Oh, my God.

How did it feel?

Cold.

Cold. It felt cold.

That's the right answer.

I was out in Saskatchewan,

which is, nobody knows where the fuck that is.

Yeah, we know where that is.

Yeah, of course. That's the prairies, yeah.
Yeah, you know. You're a Canadian.

An old comedian of mine, Gary David, a Canadian comedian, he used to do this joke. He'd say,

Saskatchewan is so flat, it's the only place in the world you can sit on your front porch and watch your dog run away

for three weeks.

And he wasn't very good, you can tell.

Do you want to touch it? You want to touch it?

How about now?

I got a lasagna in the oven. Don't fuck with me.

Emo,

you're a world traveler. You are.

You are a specific shade, as mentioned earlier. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever done to you? You seem like such a nice, sweet guy.

And like, it's interesting how people judge a book by its cover. Yeah, I'm from Australia.
Like, that place is racist as fuck. But,

but that is my kind of speed, though.

Better the races you know than the races you don't. Yes.
All right, someone touched me and tried to rub it off.

That was, that was, that was a little insulting in Asia.

Fuck you, Bali.

An Asian in Bali asked if you could rub any of that off. No, no, no, they.
They tried? They tried to rub it off, yeah. Holy shit.

Did they use like lemon pledge or anything?

I think she just trusted her own hands

and was unsuccessful. Have you had any jobs other than being a comedian?

Yeah, I had a ton of jobs. I worked in coal centers.
I worked. What? What was the first one? Coal centers? Oh,

I thought you said coal centers, and I was wondering if you were the coal for a second.

He said he likes racism, ladies and gentlemen. He feels at home.
My kind of speed, yeah.

I worked in warehousing, but stand-up was definitely my favorite job. Yeah.
How about your love life? You seem like a handsome, handsome man, I'm sure. I have a partner.
I've got a partner.

You have a partner? Yeah, I've got a partner.

Fiancé, who just got engaged.

It's a...

Where'd you meet this partner at? She's Canadian. I met her at a festival in Australia back in 2018.
Nice.

Is she a girl?

Yeah,

by my studies. Yeah.

When someone says partner, I don't know if it's a girl. No, she's a girl.
She's a girl. Yeah.
She's a girl. She's a woman.
Not a girl. She's a woman.
Yeah.

Right.

Canadian woman, white.

She's Indian background. Oh.
Brown girl.

Wow. Okay.
Indian background.

You met her at the call center, I'm guessing.

I met her at a festival in Melbourne. Is there any water right now? Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you just call for some?

Yes.

Yes, let's get it. Absolutely.

You have cotton mouth?

I don't even have to do the rest of that joke. I don't even have to do it.

You can't even make it up, ladies and gentlemen. First person asked for water in years.

Just so happens to be one of the darkest human beings I've ever seen in my entire life.

Just for fun at

the call center,

I'm just curious. You ever just do a

like a Tarzan call?

Tarzan was not black.

That's true.

That's true. Harlan's been watching the Disney remake of Tarzan

on Netflix.

Only, no,

only on Netflix. He bunched us up in one fucking pile.

It's too late now, Red Band.

Red Band just has his fingers hovering over the Lion King setup that he has right now.

Nothing else.

Okay, it's a Tracy Chapman reference. Has anybody ever...

Grace Jones. Yeah.

This is amazing. You have to understand, Emo, we're very excited to have someone like you here.
It's our first time interviewing the curtains, so it's very exciting. It's very exciting for us.

Technically, you've been on every episode of the show.

Carly sponsored by me. That's right.

Tony, he's the captain now. Yeah, absolutely.
Oh, my goodness. Get serious quick.

I love it. Emo, what do you think? Because you are indeed dark.
We've covered this.

But I have to ask, what do you think is the whitest thing about you? If there's something about you that you do, maybe your... Teeth?

Oh, okay. That's a good answer.
My teeth? That is.

I love it. Emo, you are fantastic.
What a great interview. What a great set.
What a great sense of humor. Welcome to the Kotoni Universe, the debut of Emo Majoc, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go, that's how it's done. It's exciting.
We've come a long way from that first bucket pull. Yeah, it was good.
Solid. Solid.

Oh, we liquefied him and put him in a drink for Harlan. Look at that.
There he is.

That fast. He goes from a solid to a liquid, ladies and gentlemen.
Only on Kiltoni do we have this type of technology. Rogan has a lot of money as a human liquefier in the back.

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He's bubbly.

He was bubbly on stage, too.

Dark and bubbly. Wow, wonderful.
All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Ashley Ann, everybody. Here we go.

What's up, guys?

So, I found out my ex was bisexual when I found the Grindr app on his phone,

which which I thought was just like a GPS app to the gyms.

And it was.

To gyms and Mike's and Tony's.

That's not why we broke up though. It was actually because he's a whore.

Bisexual I can deal with, but biloyal? Absolutely not.

Then I found out my boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend.

She confessed to me that they had had a threesome, which is crazy. Like they tied her up naked in the bed.

She thought she she was going to get some kinky good fun, but they actually just forgot she was there and went out,

just, you know, right next to her. Which to me sounds a lot less like a threesome and more like a coming-out party that took a hostage.

It actually took them two years to admit that all of those things were true, too.

Which is fair if you consider the fact that most people can't admit that they're the problem,

let alone admit that they're at the bottom.

Wow, all right, Ashley Ann getting her revenge on her ex-boyfriend publicly.

I'm guessing what this is. Did he introduce you to this show?

Totally. Crush on you.
Absolutely. What? No.
What? He did not. I haven't talked to that man in a very long time.
Okay. How long ago was this breakup? It was

like 13 years ago. Oh, wow.
This is perhaps one of the craziest ex-girlfriends we've ever had on this show.

Wow.

I want to say. Revenge is sweet, ladies and gentlemen.
13 years she's been plotting and planning.

Wow. How long was the relationship? Well, it took me that long to get over the trauma, first of all.
I'm now writing about it, you know, release.

Maybe like three years. Okay, so three years, held on to it for 13.

Yeah, there's a good reason why, but I can't say it publicly. AIDS.

AIDS is the answer. That's definitely not it.
Okay, okay.

You can't say, is he famous or something?

I would tell you, not them.

Okay, what a great podcast guest you are.

I'm sure the people, the millions of people at home are going to go. Okay, fine.
I'll tell you. Perfect.
It's my daughter's dad. It's your daughter's dad.
Okay. It was actually eight years ago.

I was trying not to be too specific for him, but... So you've answered nothing.
Listen, he's in prison, so I mean, he's happy. It's fine.
There you go. All right.

This interview is moving at an interesting pace. What's he in prison for?

DUI. A DUI.
How do you get sent for prison for a DUI? Running away with a car and then running it into the back of another car. Okay.

So, all right. How long is he in prison for? Oh, he did five years, but he went right back.
Why did he go right back? Armed robbery? There it is. Hey, everybody.

There's, seriously, you can't answer the simplest of questions. It's amazing.
Yeah, he thought it was crazy.

He never touched a gun a day in his life. He just knew where he wanted to be and how to get there.
He's never touched a gun a day in his life. He knew where he had to be.

But he went, but he did have a gun during the robbery.

Okay. Sure did.
All right.

Okay. How long is he in prison for this time?

I don't care. I don't know.
I actually don't know. Perfect.
You are literally the worst interview in the history of the show. This is unbelievable.

Listen, when my fiancé watches this, he's going to make fun of me so bad. He's here.
He's here. Okay.

All right. Yeah, he's probably going to cheat on you in a bisexual threesome.

I can see how this is all working out, by the way. He's probably going to get himself thrown in prison by doing whatever it takes just so that he doesn't have to deal with you anymore.

I'm starting to all make sense, Ashley. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year.
A year. All of it here in Austin?

Where do you live? No. I live in DFW.
DFW. Dallas.
DFW. I live in Fort Worth, yeah, but I work all over the place.
You found a rich cowboy to buy you a 10-carat diamond ring after all that shit?

That is a huge ring. Monster.

He is legally blind. He had to find me somehow, so.
He's actually blind? He is legally blind, yes. Wow.
It all makes sense now.

Listen, he can see me. He just has no peripheral.
He's like a roomboat on low battery. He probably wishes he was deaf.

He is, a little bit. He's a little bit deaf, too? Yeah.
Wow. Where did you find this guy?

I don't know. My standards were like...
Over here. It's an easy question.
Where did you meet this guy? A bar, karaoke. The bar, karaoke.

What was your song what were you singing that night he made me sing some reba mcintire fancy

you're like courtney love

or like courtney hate except i'm the natural blonde so you're a fucking monster

i know yeah i make fun of my blind fiancé a lot i'm sorry how did he end up blind and partially deaf

Partially deaf because he sits next to my fucking speakers when I host karaoke. Blind, he was born, he's got RP, retinitis pigmentosa.
Okay.

So he just was born with full vision and loses it gradually. So he has double pigmentosa, huh? Yeah.

Double pigmentosa? Yeah.

Wasn't that one of, wasn't that, what is it? How do you say it?

Retinitis pigmentosa. I know it sounds like a Harry Potter spell.
Retinitis pigmentosa. Sounds more like one of Winnie the Pooh's little buddies.

Pigmentosa. Yeah, totally.
All right, Ashley Ann, I got to keep this thing moving along here.

Here's a really small joke book. Can you catch it? Yes.
I'm going to leave it a little bit short because you seem like a walking lawsuit here. There you go.
Perfect. Ashley Ann.

There you go.

Good God Almighty

All right. Let's get a little palate cleanser up here, ladies and gentlemen.
We've had some giggles with these bucket pulls, but now it's time to drop the hammer.

I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, here, doing a spot in the middle of a random episode of Kill Tony, I present to you a man who,

one day, perhaps, by the grace of God, will be a citizen of the United States of America.

But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Harvey Matzi.

I love

thinking always how American movies play in other markets.

Like if you're in Japan

and you went to see Oppenheimer,

Palmer!

No Japanese people in that movie, just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes.

Should I?

Just banging chicks at university, just

click

back to banging.

Or, like, if you're in Korea and you went to see Marley and me

The whole time you watch that movie you're like, how long is this meal gonna take?

Sometimes they rename

American movies to fit for the local market

like Taken with Liam Neeson

in Albania.

It was called Normal Business Guy

does honest business

until American asshole

intervenes.

Schindler's list

in Germany

it was called Schreises, so close.

But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies.

He makes killing look so easy.

He's just a lazy, fat old guy.

You're at home eating chips, you're like, yeah,

I got it like that.

Every Denzel movie is him at a diner trying to finish a meal,

but then a hooker gets in trouble

every Denzel movie is just him at a diner

kills 26 people

takes down a whole syndicate

it's a hot hooker though. You gotta save a hot hooker.

Okay, this is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal.

But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow.

Ain't nobody saving a fat cow.

Thank you guys so much.

Wow.

Three minutes and 30 seconds.

The only human that we allow and that can take the ball and run with it and crush.

What a presentation. No, we love it.
I didn't have time to cut it. No, it's great.
You're fucking... That's a movie chunk right there, and we love it.
Someone's been watching some movies this week.

You look fantastic. You're crushing.
Life is good.

I look like a lead singer in a vampire band.

Yeah.

A very emotional band. Death is infinite.

Ari, what have you been up to?

Yeah, not much.

I had my first Halloween in America, you know. I know it's a while ago, but.
Yeah. Yeah, we don't have Halloween in Estonia.
We have Russians.

things are scary enough

to the local Estonians and the Russians like what's the difference explain to these one are murdering raping empire and the other are really nice intelligent beautiful people wow

wow

And you've seen that firsthand, you've seen some Russian pillaging, if you will. Yeah, and when I was like 14, I remember I got beat up by these two Russian kids.
They were also 14, but in Russia, 14.

They got like hair on their knuckles, two kids, a divorce, three jobs, you know.

I was like an Estonian 14-year-old. I had a doll, you know.

I was doing parkour.

No, literally, I was doing parkour, and then they saw me doing parkour, and they came up to me, and they said in Russian, they go,

which

means like Estonian,

which

I don't know how they already knew.

And then what? Did you throw the first punch?

No, never. No.

They threw the first punch and then they claimed it was necessary to do NATO.

I love it. You seem well rested.
What have you been up to?

Yeah, I went to Mexico for a week. Oh.

Yeah.

a lot of fans of Mexico here wonder why

we have a large Latino fan base here tonight

so a lot of Mexicans that I wish would come here

are you in love with a Mexican girl there I fell in love every day every single day

yeah the way they look at you too it's crazy you know like Mexican women they look at you like I'll fuck you you know

yeah

yeah they will I walked around with a Kill Tony hoodie, and so many Mexicans would look at my hoodie, look at me, and they would go, hey, what did Tony do?

It was like the main joke. It was so funny.
I saw them. Every time I saw them look at the hoodie, I'm like, here it comes.
What did Tony do?

I don't know. That sounded Italian.

Yeah, I went to Cozumel, beautiful island, and

dude, when I was there for the first night I had such a funny incident where okay, I google restaurant Google map restaurants and a lot of kosher

You know

a lot of kosher and I'm like what the fuck is this Mexico fuck kosher, you know

And then I go outside in my hotel First thing I see in Cozumel, two Jewish guys, full fool Jew full Jew not like adapted, but like not hiding at all just just full with the things, you know.

You know, like

full, like.

And they were arguing, two Jewish guys arguing with a Mexican guy who, he's the guy who rents out scooters and like motorbikes.

And the Mexican is, just when I

walk by them, the Mexican is saying, I keep deposit. Look, scratches, I have evidence.
No scratch here before. I have picture.
Look, there is scratch.

And then the Jewish guy goes, no, no, we need deposit. I also have picture.

And then they show the picture. And then I go and eat.
About 10 minutes later, I see the Jewish guys walking away from there with like a wad of money in their hand.

And then the other one looks at the guy, he goes,

Photoshop is free, and so are we.

Wow.

So they're like that in Mexico too.

Wow. Punta Judea.
That's funny. That was just funny.

That is incredible.

Wow.

Amazing. A racist, huh? Harland.

Well,

only if you're Jewish or Mexican.

But yeah, I had fun, yeah. Halloween party.
Did you go to a Halloween party? No, no, no. You got to be careful with Halloween, my guy.
Tell me. Well, you're a.

How long have you been in America, my guy? Like one year and a half. One year and a half.
Tony will back me up on this red band. The key is to be careful with the costume, okay? Uh-huh.

I blew it last year. I went out dressed as a pinata

and went trick-or-treating down in the Latino community.

And they beat the three musketeers out of me.

You know what I mean? If I could get some kind of noise, me up.

Funnier, funnier. I did go to a Halloween party, and what I noticed is every chick is like a sexy, slutty cat, huh?

That's like the only hot animal they can think of. Yeah.
There were a lot of chicks that should have been a sexy elephant, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

You should have gone to Jeffrey Dahmer's house. He had a bearskin rug.

Funnier, funnier. But there were like

there were like so many

so many chicks dressed as a sexy cat at this party where I was at that I when I was at this party and I saw all these titties and pussies out

I kind of understood Islam

Because there would be like all the chicks with the sexy pussy pussy cat out

and then there would be that one chick you know dressed like as a banana

you know just the face is out

and I would look at her like fuck

what's under the banana yeah

yeah

creates a little mystery just like the Berkham

mystery is just as hot as sluttiness

I couldn't agree more. The banana wins.

Ari, you are unbelievable. What a fucking set.
Triple the work that you had to do.

This place creating stars. If Cam's on SNL, I can't imagine what Ari Maddie's going to be doing in the very near future.
One more time for Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

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Onward we go. Back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen.

And your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Hemphill. Here we go.
The opportunity of a lifetime.

Yo, I don't know if you can tell by looking at me, but I got my haircut at the lesbian barber shop.

They kind of fucked me up though. It's my fault.
They asked me what I wanted. I said, I don't know, just scissor me.

I keep seeing ads for male enhancement pills. They're supposed to make your dick bigger, longer, stronger.
I don't know about that. I wish they'd come out with something for female enhancement.

Yeah, how about a pill that makes you shut the fuck up?

Growing up was weird.

My dad, my dad, he was always on this seafood diet where if he got home and he didn't see food on the table, he'd hit my mom.

Shit, man.

Life's hard these days. Like, if a white dude wants to be black, they call him a wigger, right?

I'm a white dude, and I I really want to be Mexican. What does that make me, a wiener?

Shit.

That would make you a white back.

Just to let you know what the funnier punchline is there, Jack Hemphill. Welcome, Jack.
This is your first time on the show? Yes, sir. How long you been doing stand-up?

Like two and a half years or something. Where at?

Fucking hidden creek open mics, green room. So here in Austin, Texas? Yeah, here in Austin.
Nice. What do you do for work?

I'm unemployed right now uh oh how much money do you have saved uh like 15 20 you know just fucking living bumming bumming for the rest of the year 1520 000 yeah total yeah so what's your rent um 1150 1150 so you have about a year that's about half as much as a fender has

or twice as much

uh okay so what's your plan how are you going to make money jack uh shit i'm gonna fucking go to mexico for the month of December, fucking learn Spanish, come back, and get a sales job or something.

I don't know. Okay.

What's your plan? How did Mexico enter the chat exactly? Well,

I kind of want to be Mexican, you know? I want to go there, take classes to learn Spanish, take some cooking classes. In one month.

Yeah. Yeah, I think I can pull it off.

You don't know Spanish at all? I know a little bit. I grew up in Texas, so I took it in elementary school, middle school, high school.
Okay. How old are you? 24.
24 years old.

You're unemployed right now, but what was the last job that you had?

I was fucking, it was a sales job. Just fucking cold calling, bullshitting, you know, construction dude.
How long did you have that job for?

Like six months. Okay.
They fired you? Yeah. Why?

I deserved it. Why? Because

I kept staying up all night on my phone and then showing up late for work the next day. Yeah, what would you be doing on your phone in the middle of the night? Dude, fucking scrolling Instagram reels.

What is your algorithm like? If we looked at your... Really racist.
Really? Yeah.

Yeah.

Anything else? Just racism?

Racism,

fucking...

Jokes, random bullshit. I don't know.
Like,

stuff that is unfulfilling. Just fulfilling enough for me to try and see if there's something better on the next scroll, but nothing more than that.

Midgets with giant tits have entered my algorithm. I clicked on it one time,

one time, and now it's my entire recommended page. And I don't know exactly how or why,

but I do keep clicking on it and staring at them. So, wait, you've been you're out of work right now? Yeah, dude, it breaks my heart.
And I'm going to be emotional here.

And I think you people are, it breaks my heart to see Natalie Portman out of work.

Yeah, you look like the meanest lesbian at a lesbian bar, man. You're awesome.
I think he really does.

You would probably get a job at like medieval times or something like that. Like,

probably.

I know, I can't juggle, but I'll learn if they pay enough.

You ever put your lips on the front of a Tesla and just sucked?

What part exactly would he suck on? The hood.

The what? The hood. Oh, the hood.
Because that's the biggest area for his giant Natalie Portman suck mouth.

Okay.

What is your love life like? What are you into?

I mean, honestly, I catch a lot of lesbians.

You know?

Uh-huh. But seriously.

I mean, recently, I mean, my only options are like dating apps, and I feel like the fucking app runners are like digital e-pimps, you know, selling twat, and I don't want to be a digital, like, simp.

What's the last date you went on?

The last hookup you had, perhaps.

Fucking 37-year-old lady at like South by Southwest. At South by Southwest? Yeah, just like there on location? Or you met her there? It was like a bar show.
Yeah, I just met her there.

What'd she look like? Dude,

she fucking... When it starts with dude, you know it's going to be good.

Dude, she was wide, right? And

looked fat under her clothes, but she had a flat stomach. It was weird.
It was a weird body type, big old titties. She smelled like corn tortillas and pozzole.

It was pretty nice.

Torta. Yeah.
Yeah, you can say that. Yeah, yeah.
Sick. It was a Latina.
Yeah, for sure. Okay.
How do you think she felt looking up and seeing she's fucking Natalie Portman

with an altar boy's mustache?

so how did that how did that where exactly did that sexual hookup take place

at her place at her place her piece

at her at her place I'm sorry I heard her piece you did you did hear her piece her place uh so how did that how did that end Did you last long? Stop talking to her. Oh, okay, perfect.

Well, that's not exactly the

All right, Jack. Well, congratulations.

Here's a medium-sized joke button for you. Jack Hemp Hill, everybody.

Her place.

All right, keeping it moving along. Make some noise for your next.
Oh, my goodness. There's the lovely Heidi.

Check out her podcast, love on the line at Heidi Regina.com.

Let's make some noise for your next bucket pull. It's Doc Fairy, everybody.
Anything can happen. It's Doc Fairy.

I love pussy. I just can't stand you fucking bitches.
Let me explain. I'm surrounded by females.
I got nine aunts, only two uncles. I got three ex-wives.
I got four daughters, no sons.

And I got seven grandkids, six, which are girls. So what I'm trying to tell you, ladies, is I'm onto your fucking bullshit.
And y'all are fucking crazy. Let me give you an example.

My dad caught me smoking a cigarette when I was younger. He made me smoke the whole pack in front of him.
I get it. You know, punishment fits the crime.

Now, my mother, she caught me jerking off in the bathroom. She made me.

I can't look my uncle in the eyes to this day.

It was horrible.

My dumbass wife asked me a dumbass question. She said, Do you have a favorite song? I said, Yeah, you want to hear it? She said, Yeah.
I said, All right, here it goes.

Second verse, same as the first.

She said, that's not a song. I said it's music to my ears, bitch.
Now suck my cock.

Thank you very much. My name's God.
Wow. Oh, my God, Nick.
You just turned every pussy in this place to sand. Good job.

Frightening.

Who says ISIS doesn't have a sense of humor?

Sir, you're still crouching and I can see you.

There he goes. Doc, welcome.
You've been on this show before, right? About two months ago. Okay, well, welcome back.
Remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up? About two years now. Two years.

And what do you do for work? I am going to school currently for HVAC. HVAC, you're going to learn HVAC.
Well, that sucked.

See what I did there?

What were you going to do? I was going to say the exact same thing. Right, yeah, exactly.
My brother. There we are.
Thanks for standing erect. There she is.

look at that someone that dresses like a banana for Halloween

anyway

so doc is that true what you said you have three ex-wives and four daughters three ex-wives four daughters how do these marriages all end how what's what horribly yeah give us give us a little breakdown

My first wife was my high school sweetheart.

I I actually lost my virginity to her, which was ironic because 10 years later, I lost my car, my kids, half my money for 16 years.

My second wife was the meanest woman walking the face of the earth, still is.

She's in Germany. She's German, true German.

I don't need to say any more about that. She was rough.
She was the worst. She was the meanest.
She was the meanest. I actually,

we talked about this before, but I got PTSD after going to war three times with the military from the ex-wives. Wow.
So I went to therapy and everything.

Can you give us an example of what type of Tony? I believe she was on the show earlier, by the way.

Now that I think about it. Is her name Ashley Ann by any chance? I can tell you this.

I can tell you horrible things because it's not just the ex-wives. I don't date anymore.
I'm done with women. They're fucking just obnoxious.
I can't fucking take. Sorry, ladies.

Get your sisters together, okay?

Because they're fucking up. So

here's some shit. Sorry, ladies.

Not a chance. Sorry, girls.
You're not getting a shot at them.

I'll be outside after. I'm available.
I'm single. Hey, do your hands get bigger every time you beat the shit out of one of your wives.
You got myths on you, dude. Just gets flatter right here.

You ever lay in bed at night, rub your beard, and pretend you're fingering a girl from the 70s?

That's a good question. You're on to me.
Does it show?

Yeah. Exactly, I do that.
To keep telling us about the most traumatic wife you well, the most traumatic wife, things that she did.

The last two years of our marriage, I was locked in the basement, scared to death of her.

She would come to work and she would show her ass. I mean, bad.
She didn't care who was there. She'd just act a fool up and down.
What does that mean exactly? What does that mean to you?

What exactly would she do here's a good example you guys worked together at the time no she would go to her work she came to my work right i would which at the time was what in the military oh she would show up to a military base okay go ahead and uh she would act crazy but one of the things that happened while i was in the military and married to her was i was in

the bathroom taking a shower and she literally kicks in the door, right?

And I look like this and she goes, I want you to take the shower on your knees and i was like what the are you talking about she said the what the sound of the water is gonna wake the baby i said get the out of the bath she was serious she was who were you married to fat bastard what the fuck you talking about it's fiona it's fiona talked about

when she got mad that's what she sounded like it was horrible and she was mad all the time Wow. What ethnicity are you exactly? I am half white and half Mexican.
Half white, half Mexican.

Okay, tell us about the third wife. Third wife was the whore.
We went in depth with this one. Oh.

Yeah, this one was, I'll just give it quick. Yeah.

She put her, while I was contracting overseas, she was back here putting herself on Craigslist personals, and she was dating a lot of people, usually five to seven guys at a time.

And so when I came back, I said,

you know, why did you do it? And she was like, well, the relationship had just lost its romance. I was like, good luck finding a romantic gangbang, bitch.
And

then I thought, oh, holy shit, I gave her permission. You know, I didn't know if a romantic gangbang was a real thing.
So I had to go to a porn hub.

I went to pornhub and put romantic gangbang in the search bar. And I tell you what, it took me 15 hours, a half bottle of jergens, and a trip to the emergency room.
And by God, I was right.

She's a nasty bitch.

Wait, you ended up in the emergency room? Are you making a joke? I'm making a joke. Okay, I can.

She's a bitch in the ad. Okay doc Let me ask you this because you seem to really hate women at this point

I am not fond of them right

What's the last date you went on? Have you ever had a positive interaction as of late with a woman at all? Do you kind of go into it thinking this isn't gonna work?

You out no, I go in there with a very positive attitude. Okay, so what's that like?

Can you give us an example of a recent date that you went on where

I haven't dated in two years you haven't been on a date in two years have you hooked up with anybody in the last two years not at all not at south by southwest

december of 22

what happened in december of 22 that was the last time i got laid that's the last date i had how did that happen what went down there oh she was a girlfriend and uh she just got jealous because i had uh i live in bernie so there's a lot of money over there so my the main house has seven bedrooms and so i You know pick up some people sometimes and they live there.

So I had a friend who was a female who lived there. Hold on.
Time out time out time out time out time

you said the main house has seven bedrooms right that's your house yeah you live there yeah by yourself well i have my brother lives there i got my daughter now with four of my grandkids and her husband but it's mexican but it's your house it's my house right how were you able to afford a seven bedroom house in bernie i was working uh overseas i was contracted i was making a quarter million a year for like eight years okay

yeah look at you well i was a uh protection service for the ambassador The ambassador of what? Of Afghanistan. The U.S.
ambassador.

You protected the ambassador of Afghanistan.

You got this weird-looking guy off to the side there. I'm like him, only like way better.

I'm pretty sure that guy would rip your fucking arms out of your sockets there,

Doc.

Pretty sure he would

just absolutely do whatever he wanted to you. Yes, I'm getting older now.
I used to be a little bit more in shape and stuff, but not anymore. I'm giving that to the younger one.
How old are you, Doc?

56 56 tell us what recently what's tell us how age is affecting you as of late

it's the most recent yeah okay I piss funny now when you say you piss funny uh-huh what exactly do you mean that means uh I got a piss really bad but I just pissed two minutes ago

so I go to go to the bathroom again and a dribble a little bit and then

come on you know nothing comes out and then I go back again then I don't pee for an hour and then I then it's just kind of up and down up and down so I thought I might have a prostate problem

I didn't even think about this story I got DP'd at the urologist tell us about that all right

so I go in and I have this pee problem I don't know what's going on so I'm like man they're gonna try and I don't know what I don't know what's gonna happen but I think they're gonna try and go up my dick and I don't want that to happen So I've kind of stayed away from things like that.

So I go in and they go into a room, mood lights and everything. I'm not comfortable.
They put me on my side and then they take this

wand with like a baseball type thing on there and they shove it in my ass. Uh-huh.
Okay.

I hate to tell you this, buddy. You were at Ruth Chris Steakhouse.

I knew there was something wrong with the coupon.

Invite debate. Hell yeah.
All right, keep going, Doc. So this guy puts this thing in my ass, and then not only that, but now he's, he's, you know, he's moving it around and doing it.

And I'm just like, holding on. I'm just holding on.
I'm like, okay. So then at the end,

pulls it out. That hurt.
And I was like, oh, thank goodness. I said, and then I kind of joked, cleaned up and joked with the guy.
I thought I was going to get something in my P-hole.

He said, that's the next room. And I said, fuck me.

So I go into the next room. And swear to God, this is true.
They have the tray. There's like a mound of the goo, the gel.
All right.

And the thing that's going to go in my pee hole looks like the wand at a car wash. It's that.

You said the word of the day. Car wash is the word of the day.

Dried up all the pussies and you shriveled up all the cocks, my friend. That is true.
Thank you.

That is true. We're going to have a calmer world after this show.
The most unfuckable man on the planet right now.

No wonder these women hate you. I'm going to make you shower on your fucking knees tonight, Doc.

Shower on your knees. Yeah.

You're going to wake up the baby.

All right, Doc, we got to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book.
Thank you. There goes Doc, everybody.

It's a lot of...

You might think that this episode is like a psychiatry office or something tonight. And it kind of is.
It's a lot of, you know, a lot of wild people getting to stand-up. It's a crazy thing.

Anything can happen.

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Make some noise for your next bucket bullets. Jack McWilliams, everyone.
Jack.

I hooked up with a girl who put on music to set the mood I was about to go down on her when the song Cola by Lana Del Rey came on

for those that don't know the first line of that sexy song is my pussy tastes like Pepsi cola

So that threw me off, I'll be honest.

I was not expecting her to taste like the choice of a new generation.

Didn't seem sexy to me, but I didn't want to ruin the moment, so I just asked her, can I go down on you?

She said, is Pepsi okay?

Not my first choice, you know.

I ordered a nice cold cock. Let me hear you, fellas.

Homophobic crowd.

Seriously, there's no way that Lana Del Rey thinks it's sexy to taste like nobody's favorite beverage, right?

That's got to be an advertisement for Pepsi. That product placement sticks out more than a shockingly clean car on the walking dead.

I'm watching that show like, how did they get a brand new Chevy Silverado in the fifth year of a zombie apocalypse?

All right, I'm Jack McWilliams. Thanks so much.
Jack McWilliams. This guy seems stable.
He looks like a comedian. He acts like a comedian.
He moves like a comedian. Doing jokes.

This is a relief out of this bucket tonight, Jack. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Yeah. 10 years this Valentine's Day.
10 years this Valentine's Day.

What made you start on Valentine's Day 10 years ago? That was the day when I just, there was an open mic and I clearly was single. Yeah.

I love it. So 10 years, where'd you start at? That was in Bloomington, Indiana when I was in college, but I was in Chicago for eight years.
Okay. You live here now?

So I'm in a long-distance relationship with a girl who lives in Austin, and I'm a golf caddy, so I go like six months at a time. Nice.

I was just passed on another

callback to be a door guy here, literally tonight. Oh, wow.
Hopefully I get that. Oh, that's amazing.
Fuck yeah. That'd be great.
What an amazing thing happening here.

Hire him.

In charge, this guy. I love it.

Adam Egan?

Yes.

So you met Adam tonight?

I met him last Monday.

And he told you to come back for another one tonight. And you did good tonight.
And he said you have a chance of being a door guy. He said he has to check his thing.

They have to do a little FBI, little research.

It was like, you said jokes, you look stable, but let's really find it out. We'll give you a month to.
Now they'd go through a high-level

research thing. Right.
I've got to battle eight different jiu-jitsu.

Exactly.

Rogan's Club, the video game. I've got a month to get it all down, so I think I'll macho in.
What do you mean you got a month? To learn all the jiu-jitsu. Oh, exactly.
It's a little jiu-jitsu riff.

We'll get back. No, totally.
I love it, Jack.

So you're a professional golf caddy. Yes.
And how long have you been in a relationship with a girl from Austin? Two years next month. Nice.
What does she do? She works at HEB.

She's a manager of the... She's an American hero, is what she is.

That's right. Wait, what's HEB? You don't know about H-E-B, Harlan? We're Canadian.
We don't know what that is. You're Canadian, too? I'm just a piece of shit French Canadian.
I'm like,

wow. I'm French-Canadian, too.

Oh, my God.

Cousins. Yeah.
What's an HPB? We don't know. No, H-E-B.

HPV. H-E-B is the world's greatest grocery store, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, it sounds like, hey, what do you mean, world's greatest grocery store? Like, what does that even mean? All grocery stores are created equal.

Mo, my friend, every single thing in H-E-B is better than every single thing anywhere else. Literally, in every single way.

If anything has the H-E-B logo on it, even if it looks like it's generic, it's better than the actual product that it's competing with. Can I ask a question? You can ask any question you'd like.

I would love to answer it. We love HEB.

That is not even a paid sponsorship, by the way. That is just our hearts.
And it is

a fucking unbelievable. Can I tell you something? 22 layers.

Good fucking luck, buddy. I put one in the oven on my way here.
No, yeah,

I slow cook it. I put it on before the show.
I come to sound check.

Yeah, good fucking luck, you French Canadian. You'll never get up to 22 layers.
You would need a goddamn crane to pull off such a feat.

The lasagna. Layer.
I barely know her.

Does your girl ever bring home any special treats from HEB? Some exclusive treats? Perhaps they're unbelievable jalapeno stuffed peppers.

Stuffed jalapeno poppers. It's actually my pet nickname for my girlfriend.
Indeed.

Yeah, she brings, we always shop at H-E-B. What are some of your favorite things from H-E-B? Tell these Canadians what the fuck is going on here.
Let's see.

I'm having trouble. Hey, Adam Egot, be quiet.

I'm having trouble thinking of a specific thing, but she just went through the management training, and I know that they like spend years with like a group of scientists developing their products.

Yes, they do. As good, if not better, than like normal products like Doritos.
They only hold Doritos because then everybody needs to still shop at HEB because they want it.

Harlan, get with the program, man. Right.
So it's like science food? Yeah. Yeah.

That's the perfect way to describe it. But like they'll develop a product for years before they release it, making sure that it's superior to whatever they're trying to replicate.
So like

it's real. So does.
What you have to understand is that it's real. And it's a fucking anomaly.
And you kind of hear about it when you first get here.

You know, I'm Red Band and I have been here five fucking years now and you learn a lot HEB and for five years.

And different HEBs actually have different specialists and chefs and cooks and stuff that specialize in different things.

For example, speaking of Bernie, I was at my buddy's ranch in Bernie a couple weeks ago, and it turns out their bakery is literally out of fucking control.

To where the guy, my buddy Nick's dad, is like, hey, man, you got to try these motherfucking snickerdoodles, baby. And I'm like,

I'm not a big cookie guy. I'm not into sweets.
He's like, no, you got to try the fucking Snickerdoodles from the H-E-B, baby.

The lady at the bakery at this H-E-B here in Bernie, out of fucking control. And I swear to God, I ate like 72 fucking Snickerdoodle cookies.
It was,

like, I was wasted on Snickerdoodles. What does HPB even mean?

It's pronounced HPV, is what it is.

Don't you guys dare fucking take this grocery store's name in vain.

What does it mean? What is it? What is the letter meaning? Human papillomavirus. People call it here, everything's better, but I believe it's just after somebody's name.

It is, and you're not going to believe the name.

I believe it is.

Is it Herbert?

Herbert E.

Butts, ladies and gentlemen. B-U-T-T-S.

Motherfuckers. Yeah, that's where I want to shop.
There's Red Band's one part noise. Thank you.

Buttered. The buttered tortillas, my girlfriend makes fractions.
Yeah.

Absolutely. The place goes wild.

And again, I imagine that the people listening around the world right now are going, shut the fuck up. There's no way you guys have a superior grocery store.
Fuck you. We do.
It's an anomaly.

It's just one of the things. We also have, as you may know, a superior gas station.

Our grocery stores, our gas station, our tax breaks, our real estate, our booming economy, so many things are better here in Texas.

Like I thought, let's shop down the street at Wally Eats Ass. How about that?

Yeah.

Oh, it's Howard.

I thought it was Herbert because that sounds cooler than Howard, but it's Howard E. Butts.
Yeah. Howard Ebbs.
So

we were going to.

My girlfriend and I were going to have her move up to Chicago in June if something didn't take off comedy-wise for me. And she was like, I don't know where I'm going to work, where I'm going to shop.

And I was just like, yeah, we got Jewel Osco, but that sucks compared to H.E.B. Oh, yeah, there's no comparison.
Are you sure you're just not a valet in Key Largo?

Do have that vibe.

Somehow, you look like like you might be, guy. Yeah.
It's a golf caddy. Are there any promising golf caddy positions

here in Arts? I work at Spanish Oaks. Oh, nice.
So you already work here. Fucking perfect, man.
So I go six months at a time. You're doing it.
You're a handicap.

Oh, I play the least amount of golf I ever have now that I caddy. So like bogey golf, but I was like a 10 in college.
So good enough to keep up and have fun. Perfect.
Like you smash it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah. You do, Jack.
Congratulations, Jack.

A fantastic performance.

Jack, are you around Wednesday for a secret show yes sir boom doing the secret show boom on a real gig very possibly the newest door guy here at the mothership here's the big joke book my friend boom

Jack McWilliams getting real gigs that's how possible things are with just a little bit of jokes and mental stability You can actually have good things happen to you on this show.

This bucketful is representing the inside, but I believe they've already wrangled her. Ladies and gentlemen, representing the audience, make some noise for Paula, everybody.
Here we go.

Hi, I'm gonna do something a little different here. I'm not going to talk about the number one topic usually on this show, which is dicks.
I'm gonna talk about

a former Olympic sport.

You might not

notice, but I was a competitive athlete at one point.

I'm kind of surprised too. Anyone want to guess what sport that might have been?

Synchronized swimming.

That's what made me question the Olympics. If I could do it, I'm not convinced.

Oh, gosh.

So what made me realize that

I couldn't take my gift to the next step was because I hated getting my hair wet.

One more.

One more jump.

All right, I'm going to save you here, Paula. Go ahead.
ahead, and now, even though the bear is plague, go ahead, do the one more. How long do you think the one more is?

Just 20 seconds. Okay, here we go.
20 seconds. Paula.
Have you noticed that nothing lasts anymore? Your car, five to seven years. Your phone, two to three years.

Your washing machine, five years. It's a revolving door for constant revenue.
I think it all started with tidy whiteys.

They were white. white.

And there was one more part to that.

Anyway, there was, it was impossible to hide your biohazards. All right, Paula.
Chiminy crickets.

Good Lord Almighty, Paula. I gotta tell you, you are the opposite of an HEB.

Paula, grab that microphone. You're in the interview part now.

Have you ever done stand-up before? Never. What made you want to sign up for this here tonight? What in the world would make you want to sign up for this? I watched the show for

at least five years and I thought it would be kind of fun. How did it feel? How does it feel? You're in it right now.

I was a little nervous back there, but it's okay. Okay, Paula, let's talk about your life.
You've seen the show. Obviously, the set didn't go that good, but you can save it with an amazing interview.

I got some stuff.

Okay, tell us about your life, Paula.

Um, all right. I like your haircut.
Thank you. You look like what Uma Thurman in pulp fiction would have looked like if she would have died all the way from the overdose.

If Travolta didn't hit her right in the heart with that syringe,

that would have been you. It's nice to see the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang making a comeback.

What?

What is Chitty Chitty? What he wasn't even older. Lollipops, ice cream, Cream, all three today.

What are these references? Lollipops, Ice Cream, come on, children, all three today.

We're gonna have to overlay

on the YouTube show. We're gonna have to overcome.
One of the worst villains of all time, the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

I don't know anything about that.

That's it.

Oh my god, I do see it.

Red man has pulled it up and indeed you look like the children. Lollipop.

I see.

Now to free today.

Wow.

Absolutely amazing. Children, come out, children.
Okay, all right.

We get the...

Well, it's going a lot better than her act.

And by the way, can you do one more when you haven't done the first one yet?

Oh, that's great. Lollipop chocolate.

It's incredible.

Harlan is so funny that he's able to kill with an impression that nobody's ever even seen before.

This is amazing. So Paula, tell us about your life.
What's a fun fact about your life?

My dad's brother was killed by the mob. Oh my God.

Wow.

Uh-oh, I fucked up. Yeah.

Lollipops.

Graveyards, shallow graves, all free today.

Okay, but what about you, Paula? Let's talk about you. You look like you've been through about nine or ten divorces or something like that.
No, I'm kidding. All right, let's let's hear it, Paula.

What you been doing with your life?

I've been on Steve Harvey before. What were you doing on Steve Harvey's show?

Divorcing Pee Wee Herman.

She said she was on Steve Harvey. Put it together.

I submitted and asked Steve. Okay.
And then they called me and they

interviewed me and then

we...

did that on the show. Okay.
All right.

What did you want to ask Steve? It was, it was probably back in like 2015 or 16, but it was something about, it was when one of our kids was in college and

he lived in

Walkup

and

we had never been in the place, but we were paying the rent and he

wouldn't let us in. We had to sit on the stoop.
And so that's what the question was regarding. And then Steve Harvey went.
All right, Paula. Jesus Christ.
That's amazing, Paula. Sorry.

You sure you've seen this show, Paula? Yes.

Okay.

All right. How many kids do you have? Two.
What did you do for work your entire life?

For work. She got all the kids.
She's the child catcher.

Okay, all right. Enough of the.

I'll do it again. You're watching.
Okay, we got it.

All right.

All three.

Very good.

Answer the fucking question, Paula. I did.
I tried.

I was a fitness trainer for a while. Okay, fitness trainer.
And then what? You got married, stopped working, had kids? No.

No, it was

when my kids were older. Okay.
How old are your kids now?

One that's almost 40 and one is in his 30s. Okay.
Cool. And you have a boyfriend now? I'm married.
You're married. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? I don't.
I'm

okay.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Paula, here's a little joke book. Get out of here.
Get off of me.

Here's a little joke, but can you catch? Here we go. Boom!

Boom!

She really is

an athlete.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Some wild bucket pulls tonight, folks. This is what the show is.

Sometimes it's home run derby, and sometimes it's strikeout city. You never know what's gonna happen here.

All right, it appears to be your final bucket pull of the night. Your third female comedian of the night goes by the name of Jenny Ann, everybody.
Here we go.

Hi, everybody.

Hello.

So I've been thinking about my celebrity doppelganger,

and I finally found it.

It's the nerd emoji.

Yeah, I've been a nerd for a really long time.

Back when the internet asked women one question,

you probably know, was it hot? Were you hot or were you not?

Yeah, it was on a scale of one to ten.

And I was a nine.

Yeah, don't laugh. I was nine years old.

Okay, Epstein.

Now

I'm an adult and the internet asks me more questions like

what's your name? What's your social security number?

Are you a girl boss or are you a trad wife?

And I'm like, I'm single and tired.

I'm so exhausted I'm outsourcing all my decisions to AI.

I'm I'm scared I'm actually turning into a robot.

Eventually, I think the question might be: not, are you hot or not, but are you a bot or not?

Yeah, thank you.

God,

fucking strike me down.

Just slit my fucking throat. I think I might be able to save this one.

Can I see your picture here? If you do the fucking thing, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

Oh my god, you're gonna.

all three today children

i saved it fuck off i saved that is amazing uh jenny and you've been on this show before correct yeah i um sold a 69 mustang on your show oh that's right you pitched a 69 mustang and then you ended up selling it yeah to a dad and his sons and they're gonna fix it up Nice.

Very good. How exciting.
What else is going on in your life, Jenny?

You've had enough time to maybe think about what else you you could have talked about in the interview portion of the show since the last time you were on.

Any fun facts about your life or anything interesting about you?

I don't know where to begin.

Any one of the things would be where to begin.

Any one of the things.

I used to run a lot. And I ran in college.
And then after college,

I was

briefly a shoe model for Hoka shoes oh wow yeah how much did that pay how much does a shoe model pay is your face in the things or is it like no you know

we were chased by a giant marshmallow to explain how soft um hoka shoes was wow well i have good news the giant marshmallow sits right next to me now this is him damn you ghostbusters

Well, it's in like a shoe model.

Like a mannequin can do that, right? Like you don't...

Yeah, I mean, we just... It's just the shoe.
It was just us. We like ran around on a track and like a giant marshmallow.
How about anything else interesting about you, Jenny Ann?

Anything else about your life?

What's your dating life like? You seem like the third craziest woman that's been on the show tonight.

Thank you.

My dating life is...

I'm starting to date more, so that's good. What are you doing to do that? Are you on the apps or something? Yeah, I am on the apps.
Okay. Is your avatar the nerd emoji?

What does your bio say on these apps?

Basically looking for someone who likes to make things and go on long walks and get coffee. Wow.
You know, so boring. This is one foxy dork right here, Tony.
Jesus Christ.

It is. Are we hitting it off? Yeah, like keep looking at me.
I'm married. I can't, but goddamn.
No.

i still think she's like a dominatrix or something like how she's something you know something i think she's got a gilligan's island fetish

oh another

super topical harlan reference we've eeked our way to the early 70s ladies and gentlemen

i'm this close to pulling out the lolly oh my god

all right uh so jenny give us an example like the last date that you went on, what was that? You matched with somebody and then you met them for coffee or something?

Yeah, we went for a walk around Lady Bird Lake. Okay.
Don't worry, I'm not the Lady Bird Lake killer. All right, keep going.
Keep going, Jenny. That's not funny.

Just keep going. It's just crazy.
It's crazy what's going on here tonight. It's the least funniest people.
Like, I'm going to sign up for Kill Tony.

I've never had narcolepsy, but I think I'm about to get it real quick.

Okay

let him sleep before he does the lollipops.

So Jenny you went for a walk around Ladybird Lake and then the date

what happened?

I told him about what I did last week. Uh-huh.
What did you do the week before?

I went to Las Vegas to help sell AI guns. Okay.

All right. Okay.
So then, well then what happened on the fucking day, Jenny?

Jesus God.

Somehow I made him laugh. I don't know.

All right. Tony, she's boring.
Yeah, it is incredible. God damn, she's...

Jenny, last

question I could possibly ask you before we,

I think this might be a new thing, just the new wait a year program.

Before I put you on a year of no sign-up allowance. Bring back blacklist.
Just give us something fucking interesting about your entire life.

Anything could work right now. Anything.

It was the car, wasn't it? You sold a Mustang, and that was it. That was your entire personality last time you were on.
And now you're back.

Yeah, I'm back.

You've seen the show before. I watch it every Monday.
And you see, like, I'll ask somebody a question, and then they'll answer honestly, and I'll say something.

Okay, most interesting thing about your fucking life.

200 body count.

Again, we keep answering for you here, Jenny Ann. You're not saying anything while claiming that you're answering honestly.

It's normally not this hard.

You can say anything. Any fucking thing.

Any fucking thing about your entire fucking life.

I think it's interesting that I sold AI guns last week. Okay, there she goes.
Jenny Ann, a year. You don't have to wait a year to see her big return.

Holy shit.

There she goes.

Golly, gee, what the fuck?

You know, if I was a fan of this show, I'd be thinking maybe it's burnt out. You know what I mean? Maybe just maybe.
Maybe they ran their course.

In the end it was just a bunch of crazy people signing up for the chance to do a minute but let me remind you we find stars almost every other week or so there's another fucking absolute monster monster comedian that we find Dedrick Flynn has the week off he's in Atlanta with his family

For those of you that

are fans of the show, may I say, we have a book to recommend. The great Louis C.K.
wrote wrote a book. It's called Ingram, everybody.
I read it. It's amazing.
You should read it.

Why not read a book while listening to your favorite podcast, Kill Tony? How about a hand for Louis C.K., ladies and gentlemen? It's an amazing book. You're going to love it.

Harlan, what were you going to say there? No, it's the moment's past. I was going to say this was more, like, entertaining than...

Yeah, it literally was the highlight of her set. It was the most interesting thing she did, really.
Yeah.

Anyway,

we can always count on our regulars. The great Artie Maddie performed earlier, and the only way to end a show like this is with the Hall of Famer with the record for the most appearances on this show,

the most interviews during this show

in this show's history. And he is here again, ladies and gentlemen, closing us out.
It's the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the

big red machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

Did y'all know that a woman discovered Kevlar, and then she said, I'll just turn this into a little vest.

I recently asked ChatGPT if AI would one day replace Red Band's job as podcast producer, and it responded, you mean Red Band hasn't been replaced yet?

I watched Donnie Darko dubbed in French the other day, and I definitely didn't know what the fuck was going on.

My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to sit on the couch and watch Bravo, bra.

My girl don't need a sports bra. She needs to call the American Idol hotline and issue a bomb threat, brawl.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

In and out, William Montgomery. William, have you watched any of tonight's show? Have you seen any of it? Sometimes you're...

Saw

just a little of it. I haven't been paying attention, but what a

bunch of kind of weirdo kind of people, right? Yeah.

Psycho bitches. Yeah.
Psycho bitches. That last girl, she seemed strange.
When she was walking out, I just touched her shoulder, just trying to be nice.

And then I went on with what I was doing, and I turned around, and she was just sitting there staring at me. And I was like, Okay, bitch, keep walking.
I was trying to be nice.

I was trying to be nice, bitch. What the fuck?

It is wild. Proof that the bucket is real, that anything can happen.
Because if these things were pre-picked or produced at all, clearly, none of that. I like Demo Majoc, the extremely black man.

And yeah, the caddy, the Jack McWilliams was fun. And then

you and Ari Maddie.

Yeah, well, I've been so busy up there. I've been hanging out with Ari Matty's friend,

also from Estonia. He will not get off my back in the green room.
He's

it's Tony. It's

there's an Estonian comedian that's annoying you in the green room. It's really...
No, I'm kidding. He's been very nice.
I only briefly said hello, but he seems to be nice.

Oh, yeah, Tony. What have I been doing up there tonight, Tony? I'm trying to even think about what I've even been doing up there tonight.

Not a lot. You're asking me what you've been doing in the green room while we've been taping the show? Huh? Nothing.

All right. William, how's life been going for you? What have you been doing? Not good, Tony.

Well, it's not funny. No, not good.
I got to snap out of it. I haven't done the fucking row machine in three weeks.
I've been fucking... What made you stop rowing? My sciatic nerve.

And then I just, I was worried, I was going to just stop doing it. Now I've just stopped doing it.
So I've got to get back. I've been in this horrible funk.
I've been in it for three weeks now.

So I just got to get out of it, Tony. I've been on fucking eBay.

I've bought all the fucking Oriental rugs I can literally fit in my place. And now I'm on to lamps.
Now I'm buying a bunch of lamps on fucking eBay.

But I'm a little worried because I got this really cool, kind of old school looking ashtray. And I got the package finally arrived today and it was broken.
Why didn't you buy it from me, William?

We're fucking friends, man. Yeah, you could go to Nicaroshafort's antique store at Shamanix.

You told me, no, you don't have very good-looking rugs. I looked at your fucking rugs, dumbass.

I have good-looking rugs on there. It's great rugs.
C-H-I-S-I-S. You saw

M-O-N-I-X house, Shamanix house. And you went on a fucking eBay behind my back.
Yeah, I got a fucking eBay and they smell like shit. All of them smell like shit.
They all smell moldy.

I should have bought one for you. What kind of lamps have you bought off eBay this week? Oh my gosh, I got one that looks like a duck, a

brass-looking duck. I've got a one that looks like another Oriental.
It's another Oriental thing.

It looks like a

sort of jar that...

Yeah, I gotta get a

lamp shade. So I've been looking on this lampshade website, and that's real kind of boring.
I mean, they got different kind of lampshades. They got ones that kind of look like a cylinder.

They also got ones with like a small top.

Yeah, what else? What other kinds do they have?

I don't know. They're all

make something up here. It's getting laughs.
Like spherical.

Bullshit.

There's also

fiber optic stuff.

Yeah, I'm getting fiber optic out in my apartment, Tony.

Sorry, yeah, it was just so boring. It's hard to even do that.

I heard, I saw something on social media the other day that you were sitting in your living room the other night and an owl smashed into your window. Is that true? It is true, and it's very weird.

I didn't know if it was a demonic kind of thing. I didn't really understand because I've literally, in my car recently, all these birds hit my side window.
Oh, my God.

Literally, when I meant like a red light, birds will just start going into my fucking side window. And now it's happening in my apartment.
And now it's happening with owls.

Now it's happening with hawks. Now it's happening with all different kinds of birds they have around here.
Seriously. You're not getting Alfred Hitchcock, are you?

Another old reference. Ooh.

It's the late 50s. No big deal.

You want to go to Arby's later? Yeah.

Double beef and cheddar. Ooh, steak bites.
I love the Arby's steak bites. Oh, you do? What else do you love from Arby's? Motherfucking Jamoka Shank Tore!

Whoa! No, but that's all I really love. I really do love a Jamoka Shank.
That's it. Just do that right there.
What do they call them? No, nothing else from Arby's. What do you call them?

A Jamoka Shay, Carly!

That's how I order them, and the birds are fucking flying into my window, dying. Seriously, it's been a weird.
That's why I've been down recently, Tony. It's weird.

Birds have been flying into your windows. Correct.
And now it's on some social media stuff.

You heard about that horrible. I saw that.
I also heard

an ostrich ran up your ass.

Wow.

Is there something that you're leaving out, perhaps? Do you have some type of food that you've left out? Why would birds fly into your windows?

Is there something going on? Energy thing, I think, Tony.

Wow, worried about, yeah. Don't they say if a bird flies into your house, it means somebody's going to die? And I don't want to be morbid, but isn't that like a thing? Yeah.

God, I've been watching a whole bunch of fucking police cam videos. That's what I've been doing, and dear lord, Tony, right before this, again, I kind of haven't been feeling great.

And I'm watching this one, I didn't even click on the next video, just goes on, and it's these two police officers, and there's this crazy guy who won't roll down the window and he to give the light the fucking driver's license, and then they end up breaking out the window, and then he shoots the one guy in the neck and the stomach.

And then it shows a process of them blocking off the roads with the other police cruisers from their fucking police scams. It was police cams everywhere.

But it kind of didn't help my mood before I got here.

What's that got to do with a bird?

A lot of people say you laugh like an owl.

Okay.

Well, I mean, stupid. Recommend the book.
Respond. Ingram by Louis C.K.
one more time since a lot of people have decided to take up reading

instead of watching kill Tony.

We want to say a fond farewell to the millions of people that believed in us for a long time. William, you might have to start rowing again, buddy.

Yeah, I have to. Yeah.
I have to. Yeah.

Do you think I noticed that three weeks ago you stopped rowing? Three weeks ago was also about the same timeline as that one show that you did. Do you think

Do you think there's any correlation to you stopping working out, birds flying into your windows?

Do you think there's any correlation between what is being considered,

you know, a very viral moment for you

and all of these things, birds flying into your windows,

owls, all these things? He's tearing up. He's tearing up.
Oh, he's not. Oh, my God.

Are you trying to make yourself cry?

Could have fell on you, Will.

William, are you trying to make yourself cry right now? Some witch.

William, don't try to make yourself cry.

This is the first in the history of the show. William has never gone to acting school.
He's never taken an acting class. He's never talked to an acting coach.
And he's trying to make himself cry.

I was really crying the other morning, Tony. Tell us why you were crying.
No.

Come on.

It's okay. You tell us.
No. Come on.
No.

I can never. Not in this situation.
No. All right.
Fine. Yeah.
Will the world.

What the fuck? No.

You stupid asshole.

Somebody killed this guy.

There it is, William Montgomery. This has been another episode of Bill Tony.
Brought to you by Express VPN and Shopify. The Moody Center is New Year's Eve.
The drawing from Ryan J. E.
Belt is in.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Ooh, a Timmy no breaks.
Look at that.

Guys, make sure you listen to the Harland Highway podcast with Harlan Williams.

Harlan, anything else you want to plug? You're on tour? I'm on tour. I'm doing theaters with the killers that kill Tony.
And in

2026, I will be doing my own Comzilla comedy tour all over the country. Check out HarlanWilliams.com.
And lastly, my new movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman is coming out in 2026.

Keep your eyes open for it. It's going to be great.
Harlan. You have directed and wrote the movie.
It is incredible.

Nick Rochevort, ladies and gentlemen, is on the Scuffed Real Tour.

Tell them where they can get tickets for that. Get tickets at shamanixhouse.com.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
Head over there, buy antiques, and buy tickets to a comedy show like a weirdo.

He really does have his own very successful antique store. It is cool as hell.
Check out Shimonix House, C-H-A-M-O-N-I-X

house on Instagram and the website. Thank you to ExpressVPN and Shopify.

And Redband. Check out SunsetStripATX.com.
Love you guys. We did it again.
One more time, Moody Center. New Year's Eve.
It's your last chance to see a Kill Tony live in 2025.

Thank you, live audience. We'll see you guys again soon.
Good night, everybody.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.