Florida Files: Eaten Alive

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There's no place to escape to.

This is the Lost Hot Gas.

On the left.

That's when the cannibalism started.

Who's that?

Oh, yeah! Yes! Yes! Man, I'm so hungry today. I woke up hungry.
I think I'm going to go down to the... We have that man-made lake that's close here.
And I think I want to consume an 85-year-old woman. Think about it! Think about it! I want to pull her down into the water.
Just hear me out. This might be crazy.
It might be an intrusive thought. But I kind of have this inkling.
I've been wanting to do it. And maybe now that I'm 40, maybe now it's okay for me to really finally live my dreams.
I've always wanted to grab an old woman, buy her cardigan, pull her down into a swamp, roll her around in the mud until she eventually stops kicking, leave her there until she gets soft, and then come back later and feast upon her flesh. That's something I've always wanted to do and I've never gotten to do it.
And you know what? I think today might be your day. Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen.
We have the ravenous Henry Zebrowski. My name's Marcus Parks.
Henry, how ravenous are you? Bring me your abuela. And I'll tell you, bring me your abuela.
Don't let her hit the Ozempic. I don't care what her fucking doctor says.
I want the tit. Yeah, you want to be able to eat her with a straw.
I want to be able to hack whole lobes of her with a machete once I'm done letting the swamp water soften her. All right? Give me what I want.
It's Trump's America. Today on last podcast, after the incredible reaction we got from our Telecom series, from all of the sadness and violence and horribleness and the fascination behind the killer whales.

Ed Larson is back today with Florida Files eating alive.

He's not dead!

He's not dead!

Yeah!

Save her!

She's not dead yet!

All right.

No, don't worry.

Don't worry.

I saved some of Grandma.

What are these?

Oh, my God.

It's her eyeballs. That's my favorite part, man.
We're going to get into some eyeball sucking today, dudes. I know that for certain.
It will happen, I promise. Okay? But first, we're going to talk about the perfect killer in Florida, the American alligator.
Yeah, better than the damn Russian and Chinese alligators infiltrating our water. There are no Russian alligators, but there are Chinese alligators.
They are a separate species. Yes.
Oh, really? They got smaller heads. Really? Yes.
Awesome. Yeah, so it's not just a fake thing.
It is real. The Chinese does have their own alligators.
Oh, my God. They're so cute.
Oh, my God. Look at his little boobsob snoot.
They are very cute. He's always kind of smiling.
He's cute. That's the friendliest Chinese animal.
Oh, and it's only five feet long. I can kick that thing's ass.
I can kick his head in. Yeah, that's cute.
No, they're like fun to have around. I like him.
But the American alligator is our cutest killing machine. These swamp puppies can be found in almost any body of water in Florida larger than a puddle.
The American alligator as a species is 37 million years old, and they have been in Florida for at least 18 of those 37 million years. Congrats for them.
What anniversary is that? 37 million? Yeah. I think it's back to stone.
Do they live in the villages? Am I right? No. Come on, Marcus.
Humans, in comparison, have only been on Earth for 300,000 years. Before that, who knows what planet we came from.
Yeah, we... Thank you, Eddie.
Yes, no problem, Henry. Thank you.
We were put here.

Currently, there are 1.25 million alligators in Florida.

String them up!

Which means there's about one alligator per 20 people.

Damn!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Florida is the only place in the world where alligators and crocodiles coexist.

The only place in the world?

Yes.

So how did crocodiles get in the mix? Well, there's saltwater crocodiles down there, roughly a thousand of them in Florida. And recently there have been reports of Nile crocodiles being found in the Everglades as invasive species released into there.
So it's going to be a future disaster. And the worst part is asking them where they're at or where they're supposed to be.
It's so hard to get through the denial because they really can't help me. Well, the alligators and the crocodiles are united by one common enemy, and that is Floridians.
Yeah. Anything can live down there.
You just ask your grandparents. Despite public perception from 1948 to 2021, only 26 people have died by unprovoked alligator attacks in Florida.

The key word is unprovoked.

That is exactly the key word.

Because when you told me this fact the other night, you left the word unprovoked out of the sentence.

Yeah, they feel like provoked.

I'd be like, there's probably at least that many amount of provoked attacks.

I mean, you jump on an alligator's back, that's a fight. Yeah, that's a fight.
You know, that's different. You know, that's a good fight.
That's a bout. That's a whole other thing, you know? So basically what I'm trying to say is they ain't coming for you, we're coming for them.
In fact, alligators are more scared of us than we are of them. There have only been 442 unprovoked bites in the history of Florida, and only 303 of those were serious injuries, such as losses of a limb, muscle, or self-esteem.
Well, it's just, it is interesting because you view these creatures, and I think that a lot of people assume, like we've talked about sharks back in the day, we've talked about, like assume that these attacks are really prevalent. Same with killer whales.
They kind of, we kind of project this upon them. We're like largely they're very solitary, these creatures, and they don't want to fuck with you.
Yeah, crocodiles on the other hand will just attack you. They're hyper aggressive.
We saw that when I went to a vaguely illegal St. Augustine alligator farm where you just watch the crocodiles are kept.
Like, alligators are just out. They keep them so fat that they legitimately are so lethargic and lazy that they just can't even, they don't even know that you're there.
In these parks, they will respond to their personal names and come get food from you. It's cute as hell, but the crocodiles are kept in a cage.
Yeah. Amber Nelson had the best analogy for it, which was alligators are bees, crocodiles are wasps.
Gotcha. Okay.
You know. All right.
So a lot of times when an alligator is found eating a human being, that person was already deceased when the animal came in contact with them. Oh, yeah.
That's just food. Yeah, man.
I'd also imagine the Everglades are a very popular place to dump bodies.

Absolutely. I mean, this happens when people

drown on their own.

Also, suicide happens a lot

down there, and any other

myriad of ways people die in Florida.

In short, you

should not be scared of alligators.

The chances of even being bit

by one are over 3 million to 1. I'm not scared of alligators.
I'm way more scared of sharks and everything else. Alligators I like, and I just feel like in my mind, I know where the alligator is.
It's in a swamp. It's in a river.
Guess where I don't go? Yeah. Right there.
I don't go. I don't bleed.
If I got fucking, like, let's just say I have my male period going. Yeah.
Every once in a while, which is called hemorrhoids. And if I go in there...
Hemorrhoids, please. Hemorrhoids, thank you.
If I go in there, right, and I'm fucking, I know that I'm just leaving a trail of goody, gushy-gush for these fucking delicious fucking smelling alligators or they're excited for that, and I don't do that. Yeah, see, sharks are actually the most dangerous wild animal in Florida, and snakes.
Yeah. I imagine the mosquito's also quite bad.
But, you know, they don't kill you like they do in other countries. You get malaria.
Malaria. She's married to Trump.
Malaria hasn't been seen in Florida and Hawaii. But let me ask you this question, though.
When it comes to alligators and how aggressive they could be, is part of the reason why there aren't as many animal attacks from alligators is because we're very cautious with alligators to begin with? You would think that people would be, but people in Florida pretty much just live in the water. Because they also, I think on some level, they are so comfortable in their areas.
And they do. When we went on a gator trip in.
They talk about it. Like, you do build a rapport.
And in one of the stories you're going to cover today, they did have a rapport with this alligator. That was like a thing that they hang around.
And they are people kind of, you get used to it. Yeah.
And I think when you grow up in Florida, you're kind of taught these rules, you know? And that's why a good portion of the people who end up getting killed are tourists or attacked because they don't know the Florida rules. Snowbirds.
Yes. These snowbirds, you know, when they're coming because I went to go.
I went to my favorite diner. Normally I sit right there and Antoinette knows exactly what I get, which is I get my corned beef hash extra done because I love it from the can.
It's my favorite from the can. And I go in there and the next thing you know, Henry Thomas, you wouldn't believe.
I had to wait for 20 minutes for my table. That's ridiculous.
And I, this is all changing. Did they have any other tables available while you were waiting? Yes.
But not my table. There was another foreign family sitting there.
Perkins are getting out of hand. They'll just let anyone go.
This is just a normal place. It's just she gets, hey, she cannot handle the snowbirds when they roll into town.
So I say, cut some of them out. Well, we need them to survive.
Fuck them. Well, you know, the real danger when it comes is when people decide to feed wild alligators and they start to associate people with food.
When this happens, the alligator must be relocated to a reserve, a zoo, or gatorland for the animal's safety. Most of them are euthanized, unfortunately.
In comparison, you are way more likely to be killed by a dog or a shark

or a rolling meth lab or certainly the

police than a gator in Florida.

Police are actually probably higher up

on there. Way higher.

Just straight up your neighbors will shoot

you in the head. Everybody's packing.

Speaking of getting killed by

dogs in Florida, this is true.

Five Floridians have been

shot by their dogs. Half of the nation's total.
That's amazing. They have special weapons schools for canines and for your pet? It's usually when someone leaves their gun on the bed and the safety off and the dog jumps on the bed and it ends up shooting the person.
Part of me thinking was like, what? Did he bring his fucking gun to the B-dubs and then he got Szechuan sauce on it and the dog got curious? Like licking it. Like, I gotta stop using that to apply.
I gotta stop using my Ruger to apply blue cheese to my chicken tenders.

Well, these statistics have never stopped people from fearing alligators because of their dinosaur-like appearance and the demonization of them in the media.

Crawl!

That's right.

Crawl did this.

Absolutely, because crawl is so ridiculous.

By the way, it could never happen.

No, yeah, crawl isn't real.

Because of this, the American alligator came close to extinction in North America in the 1950s and 60s. Their biggest threats were loss of environment, pesticides, and hunting.
Also back in the 50s and 60s, you could buy baby alligators as pets at gas stations. Cute! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Taurus would buy them and bring them back to whatever state they came from, and then once they started to grow, they either killed them or flushed them down the toilet, and this is where the alligator in the sewers mythos comes from. Do you, because...
It's an urban legend. I thought I had read about this.
I remember, because just, for those of you that don't know, that was a massive conspiracy theory, especially in New York. Well, it was in the 90s in New York and New Jersey.
Yeah, it was a big urban legend, especially in New York. In the 90s in New York and New Jersey.
It was a big urban legend, definitely in New York, that the New York City sewer system was full of alligators that had been flushed down the toilet by a Florida toilet. It's too cold, they would just die.
It's very interesting. It came from this guy, Teddy May, the commissioner of the sewers in 1935.
Apparently, it started with an 1815 sighting of a three foot alligator in Brooklyn. Oh my God.
And that it's been around ever since. Yeah, man.
At one point, the population of alligators was down to a hundred thousand in America as opposed to 5 million today. So we've done a really good job of bringing them back though.
They've made a comeback. It's undeniable that this perfect predator has fallen prey to some bad PR.
So let's take some time to give you listeners a quick alligator safety lesson in case you ever encounter one of these majestic beasts. You gotta go serpentine! That's right, baby.
The number one thing you can do to avoid an altercation with an alligator is to stay away from them and more importantly never feed one. Yeah, don't engage.
Don't engage. No voter outreach.
No grassroots campaign for your podcast. Like nothing.
These alligators are not taking solicitation. I don't care how many extra pig carcasses you got in your truck.
Don't throw one to the alligator. What're teaching them my lessons.
And what's important is that sometimes kindness hurts.

And that's what we've learned.

Sometimes you can't just be nice to something

because you want to be nice to something

because you're teaching them bad lessons.

Well, staying clear may not be so easy.

They have millions of years of evolutionary

stealth training on their side.

An alligator could be lurking under your nose

at any freshwater bank in the southeastern United States. Do your best to stay out of murky, shallow water and especially stay clear of vegetation on the surface.
Their prime hunting hours are dusk and nighttime. If you are in a place with high gator activity, a fun thing to do is shine a flashlight on the water and see the light reflect off of their eyes.
I love it. It's so frightening.
If you've ever done that in Florida at night, like, I remember when I was shooting something else, when I was doing the After Midnight movie, I was in Leesburg, Florida and we were out in the swamps and it was dark. That's Central Florida, right? Yeah, yeah.
That's where the highest concentration is right now. Oh, dude, and you could, when you shine your light out onto the swamp, and you just see all these

eyes.

It's so fucking cool.

It's awesome.

I bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, actually, you know, there's been several alligators actually captured in New York.

Oh, I'm sure.

I'm looking at this right now.

It's very interesting.

Also, if you want, you can call them using this noise.

Hey!

No, I'm just kidding. That's written, Stimpy.
I know. We know what that is.
No, but this is the noise you got to do. Got to get in there on your throat.
We're just now giving this to perverts. We've given this over to perverts.
I've been asking, you know how many times I'll do something and someone will be like, can you add more choking noises into your ads? It's just like, I can't. We just fed blowjob noise into the AI machine.
Fucking thing. Another fucking ghost of the machine giving blowjobs to Hitler.
Just us in there having sex with fucking Richard Spencer and Kim Jong-un. Well, mating season in the summer is when alligator attacks happen the most.
This is when they're most active and need the most energy, you know, fuel for screwing. Yeah.
Yeah. You ever try and fuck an alligator? Very difficult.
A lot of leg strength and God forbid you forget your snorkel. Ha ha ha! It ain't.
Yes. Alligators have pussies.
Yes. And dicks for the men.
The men of dicks and the women of pussies. That's insensitive.
Yes. By the way, do yourself a favor and Google alligator penis.
It ain't pretty. Oh no, I saw a bunch of them.
They made me kind of sick in the Phallological Museum in Iceland. All the other penises were fine, but it was really, that dog and cat penis room was like, that's not for me.
Yeah, one time we posted a picture of an alligator penis on the Brighter Side page when we did an episode about alligators, and Amber was like, please take that down. Well, it's actually surprisingly white.
Recognizable. I mean, it looks like basically like many other odd animal, but maybe I've seen a lot of pictures of animal penises already.
I think that you're broken, Marcus. I think that the both of us are absolutely fucked.
Oh, that picture. I love the AAR of, that is a wild set of dick and balls on that alligator.
Why are we looking at this? Now we're just looking at the fucking, it's the same as that OnlyFans guy with MeNotTheSquirrel. We're just looking at their rolled out dick and balls.
Yeah, there's a deviant art. Probably alligator fucking a hippo.
Alligator fucking a hippo. Did that happen? Is that, or is that just fan fiction? I think that's fan fiction.
Yeah, that doesn't happen, Henry. Yeah, but that is not AI.
That is hand-drawn. Yeah, that is hand-drawn.
That's DeviantArt, yeah. But here's the most important thing.
Do not let your dogs off-leash near the shore of any fresh body of water in Florida. If you must walk your dog by the water in Florida, keep yourself in between the water and your dog.
An alligator is very unlikely to attack you because you are too large and are actually more of a predator to the alligator than they are to you. Your dog, on the other hand, looks like a walking cheesesteak.
It is not uncommon. I remember in my neighborhood.
It happened happened in my neighborhood little dogs got eaten all the time i know that like i thought it was funny because one time we brought wendy to a lake and she's so deeply uninterested in beach and the water that she ran from the water and like stood on the grass like she wouldn't go onto the beach and stuff like that. So she already knew.
She knew. Yeah.

Well, speaking of which, remember this story from February 2023?

This one's one of the most recent alligator attacks that ended in a death.

Gloria Surge, an 85-year-old woman, was walking her dog along the bank of a pond

when a 10-foot alligator leaped out of the water at the dog.

Serge fell and the 10-foot behemoth grabbed her foot and dragged her into the water and she was never seen alive again. Now, I've seen this footage many times.
Yes. And I'm not going to say, hmm, what's the term? Choose your words carefully.
It doesn't delight me. But there is a thing, obviously it's's interesting because it's highly oh, she's on the, you see an old lady.
It is the definition of awesome. Not like awesome as in like really cool, but awesome as in like a fucking crazy thing that happens.
Nature in action. Your watch, it is and it's like a scene from a movie.
Because you see her standing on the bank with the little dog.

The little dog, she's looking that way, right? She's looking away from the water. Little dog sitting there.
And you see the little, and it's like a scene from movies. Little dog is going.
And you see this alligator shadow. It is just like the scene from X.
And like, it is just like it where this, you just see this slowly, but surely this alligator roll up on the two of them. And then it's just, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap.
And he just fucking got him good, dude. And that's fucking frightening.
But it's also, it was, but then even the 911 caller was like, I don't know what people are doing with their little dogs out here. She blamed the woman immediately.
Yeah, man. No.
Well, the neighborhood knew about the 10-foot alligator. In fact, they named it Henry.
Yeah. He was their friend.
This is kind of awesome. He's living my dream.
Yeah, he was a meaty alligator that was always interrupting you and was taking his shirt off for attention. Yay! Yay! He was bone naked.
But the people in the neighborhood were known to feed him regularly. And due to the HOA, poor Gloria was told not to walk her dog around the neighborhood and that she could only walk him on her property and the backyard.
Which is where the alligator was. Yes.
Put it right into his back. Put it right on his plate.
So this can be directly traced to a bullshit HOA rule. I would love to find more deaths caused by HOAs.
They're currently suing. I think I'm pretty sure they're going to win if they haven't already.
So I guess we can go ahead and bump that 26 dead up to 27 for now. Yeah, probably.
When I was young, they used to tell us that if an alligator is running after you, run zigzags. Yeah, it's serpentine.
Yeah, this is a bad advice. No! You are making it easier on the alligator.
That's the truth. I've learned this forever.
This is the only thing I know. I'm pretty sure that gators actually started the rumor.
You know, Jack Lee, super-durbing for me to get you. You know what I hate is when it's easy, so you definitely shouldn't lay down with some chicken.
Yeah, it's definitely not something you should do. Wait a second, who's saying that? Alligators can reach up to 20 miles per hour on land.
Yeah, they're fast like me. I am the same speed as an alligator.
No, you're like 9 miles an hour. Tops.
I'm saying if you get me within 10 feet, which I've talked about. I'm literally the fastest man within 10 feet.
Within 10 feet, I'm going close to 50, 70 miles per hour. Within that short area, I'm quite fast.
Yes, well, use that 10 feet to get over a fence and out of there as quick as possible. Oh, no, it is a lateral move, friend.
It's not going up. I'm not a 10 feet vertical.
Also, here's another one you probably don't know. Alligators can jump as high as 5 feet out of water.
What? Yes. Out of water.
Out of water because they use their tails to help propel them out. So you have to be careful even when you're on a dock or in a boat.
If an alligator gets you in its mouth, don't try and open their mouth. Instead, punch its snout and gouge its eyes like you are one of the three stooges.
Remember, you are Moe and the alligator is curly. Yeah Yeah, boing.
But always watch when he brings up that little hand. Paul, yeah, yeah.
He brings up that little hand to try to block the eyeballs. Yeah, you do it from behind.
A science teacher buddy of mine in South Florida recently had a police evidence diver start working as the campus police officer and asked him what the protocol was if he ever saw a gator while he was diving for evidence? He said that they are taught to dive deeper in the water because once an alligator can see your full size under the water, it will want nothing to do with you. Most attacks in the water will happen when you are swimming on the surface.
Interesting. So if you go all the way in, it can see because you're the belt at least a three fourths the size of the alligator, probably.
Most alligators, you're bigger than. Yes, or if it's even 10 feet, it doesn't want to fuck with something that's even 5 feet, 6 feet.
No, because also, if an alligator's 10 feet, it's mostly tail. Yeah.
The good part, the eating part. And the shoe part.
One of the few predators that we eat. Yeah, that is true, because we don't eat very many predators, because, I mean, I've never had shark, because I'm still morally against it.
No, you can't do it, but most fish are predators. Well, they're little predators.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Toochuki.
Toochuki. He's definitely probably got some allegations.
But now, let's dive into a couple of these 26, 27 stories where the Gators won. Yeah.
I'm rooting for the Gators. I mean, it's their land.
We took them 36 million years before us. I will say, though, they could have in that whole time.
They definitely could have invented. Thumbs.
Government. Yeah.
Writing.

Weapons. Homes.

If they had done any of that, they would really have

a right to a lot of these places.

They had plenty of time, and they wasted it.

None of them sold a flag. No.

None of them wrote a constitution.

Yeah. None of them started an LLC.

Once. None of them

paid income tax. None of them signed

a... No one got a...
None of them have a have a 401k. You are right.
Fuck these things. Life from your grave.
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Rules and restrictions may apply. June 20th, 1993.
Bradley Wiedenheimer of Lantana, Florida jumped out of his canoe to drag it over a log in the Loxahatchee Riffer. In that moment, a giant gator named Big George jumped out of the water, grabbed him by the head with his bone-crushing jaws, and pulled him under in front of his parents.
Cool. The father grabbed his son and was able to wrestle his son from the gator's mouth while friends beat it with oars.
But the struggle lasted for over five minutes and poor Bradley, 10 years old, had drowned by the time his body was back in his parents' possession. This happened in my county, in Palm Beach County, when I was the same age.
It was a huge story growing up. And it's amazing how these things get sensationalized.
Up until this week, if I told you this story like it had been told to me, it would have been this boy was on a Boy Scout canoe trip when a gator jumped up and ripped his head off of his body and blood was squirting all over his friends. It's a great story.
It's a great story. We love it.
Those kids love it. They get something to share again and again and again.
Exactly. That's the beginning of a new alligator-based Jason Voorhees.
But what happened to the boat? What happened to the boat? After his head was ripped off and there was blood spurting everywhere, and I was freaking out. What happened to the boat? Did the boat explode? Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm like? And you're like, good work, little Jimmy. Here's your blood collecting badge.
You collected the most blood. Wow, you're the most absorbent boy.
Oh, you have your head sewing badge. Oh, wow, excellent.
The Boy Scouts definitely did have a badge for most absorbent boy. Oh, but it was one of those badges you can only wear.
Your pants are down. Well, this is what leads to the fear-mongering and the over-hunting and trapping of alligators.
Truth is, he probably stepped on the thing when he jumped out of his boat and the alligator was protecting its turf. Yeah, he went, you're...
Alligators are extremely territorial, especially mamagators will attack anything that gets near to their nest on the bay, on the shore. I know.
I sound like a lawyer for big alligators. You really do.
You are coming in hard. You are very pro-alligator, anti-human.
Now I'm just a simple country alligator lawyer. But I do declare my clients are misunderstood.
Objection. Yeah, we didn't land on Loxahatchee, Loxahatchee.
Objection, sir. My client, the little tiny dog here that's just a leash, begs a difference.
Let me see your wallet. What's it made out of? Boot check.
Let me see your boots. Whatever dude.
I want alligator leather but I do also find it to be immoral. I want to see how many shell corporations are between you and Wally Gator.
Yeah. Who benefits? Wally Gator.
He's missing. Poor guy.
What do you mean he's missing? He's missing. You know the Wally Gator, the emotional support alligator? Oh, yeah.
That guy. That dumb guy.
Joey's sweet. I was talking about Wally Gator, the Hanna-Barbera cartoon.
It's never something. Wally Gator, it's always like the name of...
I remember him. He had the hat and the Cajun accent.
See, this guy has got... This is a vaguely famous story of this guy with Wally, the emotional support gator that he brings around.
But it doesn't seem like super smart because it's a dinosaur. Like, it's not a, you can't, you can train it up to a point.
Even the guys on the Swamp Tour were like, it does get to know you and you do get to know it. But at some point, it's a fucking unknowable, like, there's, you can't know what it's thinking.
I interviewed this guy on our Twitch channel with the gator, and it was like crawling all over him, and he was like wrestling with it, trying to answer my questions. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why'd you concentrate on the alligator, Andy? Yeah, but it was, it's a, truth is, yeah, it's probably just really stupid and it doesn't attack people. Oh, do you think it's just a simpleton alligator simpleton alligator? I sure don't know what to do.
You're like, it's that

style of like...

But either way, they were on vacation and

someone reported the alligator and then they

came and took it and put it in the swamp and now

it's gone forever because they're probably just eaten

by other gators because it's too friendly.

He brought the alligator on

vacation. It was his emotional support

alligator. He never went anywhere without it.
It didn't

have a vest? It definitely wasn't brought to any one of these schools. It was not accredited.
It was accredited. It was officially an emotional support animal.
Wow. It was a big gator too.
Seeing him with the sunglasses makes me sad. No, no, super sweet.
He literally would bring this thing

to pools and it would swim with children and they would

hug it and shit. It was crazy.

I just feel like, yeah.

You know, you look at something, it's like when we went to the

Lava Show, where you're looking at a thing

just being like, this is a fun concept,

but it feels like we're at

Jurassic Park right now.

It feels like this is the moments

before the disaster hits. Like as you're watching it, look at the child play with the alligator.
Play it like, kiss the side of its face. And it's like, this alligator likes to cuddle.
It's just sensing your blood. I would love to hug at Wally, but I think those days are over.
Wally alligator was actually the for Alligator Loki in the new Loki series. Oh, really?

Yeah. He's a fun character.
But here's

another alligator attack that

may have flown under the radar, pun intended.

Robert Steele,

an 81-year-old man, was

walking his terrier in between two

murky canals close to his home in

Sanibel Island, where the alligator

leaped out of the canal

at the terrier, and Mr. Steele was

trying to protect it. The alligator

ripped Mr. Steele's leg off,

I'm sorry. Sanibel Island, where the alligator leaped out of the canal at the terrier, and Mr.
Steel was trying to protect it. The alligator ripped Mr.
Steel's leg off below the knee, and then he went into cardiac arrest from loss of blood and expired on his way to the hospital. Oh my god! It's not funny.
It is so wild. There's a reason we're doing it as an episode.
The little dog, like, barking at the alligator as it's just ripping his legs off going, God damn it, Pepper, help me! Go inside the house! Call the police! My God! They found, when they found him, his legs were in the water, and they didn't know. My legs, damn it! Those are the shoes I was married in! They didn't know the alligator had ripped his leg off, and when they pulled him out of the water, he was just missing one leg.
It was a crazy reveal. Oh, what a horrible surprise! Oh, wow, thank God, I guess I don't have to dye my fucking laces anymore! Well, later on, a police officer saw the alligator in another part of the pond with

Robert's leg still in its mouth.

That police officer shot it in the head

on the spot.

I am unsure if the

dog survived.

Just a big fat Florida cop

going like, there's brother. Today's the day.
Today's the day, yo. Private Rimbledon.
Laces out. You know when they see the movies where the guy's like so fat, he's got the little hands and his guns right here.
He's like, shooting it point blank in the head while he's sleeping. I know what you're saying saying.
Ed, this sounds like your run-of-the-mill gator killing an old person story. Why are you bringing it up? Ed, a million old people should die this way.
Why do we care about these two? Well, the date plays an important part of this. Why we didn't hear about this story is because it happened on 9-11.

At 4.15 p.m. So the alligator, it took advantage of the cop's total distraction.
So this guy's just going out to clear his head for the heavy day. He's just like, clear my head.
But not paying attention probably. Yeah, very distracted.
What if that man lived his life to 9-11 and never got to see it? Had no idea? Like woke up 7-30. You know, I just.
Yeah, didn't put out the news. He was in a retirement community.
He could have just been reading. He was the last innocent American.
He got to die naturally on 9-11 and not know about it. I wonder who lasted the longest in America without hearing about 9-11.

There is at least someone who got to 9-12.

What happened?

And they pull him out of the water.

He's like, my fucking legs are gone.

Sir, do you know what else is gone?

The World Trade Center.

Oh, my God.

Tower one or tower two.

I'm fortunate.

The kid and the caboodle, buddy.

And building seven.

No one can explain it.

Building seven was 45 minutes later.

Some people thought it could have been an inside job,

but logic tells us he was killed by Al Gator Marcus really liked it Marcus really Al Gator is very funny Al Gator is very funny Marcus really liked it It's that is Was that the one? That was the one. That was my joke.

Yeah.

It was one of my favorite jokes I ever read.

But now, let's turn us to the most famous of all alligator fatalities, the death of

Lane Thomas Graves at Walt Disney World.

Rob, I brought you guys something for this story if you want. I brought you some mouse ears to wear.
Oh, it is a small world after all. Are you ready? Oh, wow.
These are Julie's, by the way, so don't fuck with these. There you go.
You guys look phenomenal. Alright.
June 14th, 2016. It was dusk at Walt Disney World's Grand Floridian Resort.
A Victorian-inspired luxury resort with access to the Magic Kingdom by Monorail. It's nice.
There's a restaurant there called Victorian Alberts. Costs you at least $1,000 for dinner for two.
I'm sure it's great. Never been allowed in the joint.
Certainly won't be allowed in after I tell this story to millions of people. See, the thing is, too, is that with these fancy Disney restaurants,

the food's not even that good.

I hear it's perfect at Victoria and Albert's, but that's a whole new thing.

That's different. If it's for $500 per person, it fucking better be.

Yes.

There's a beach behind the resort where they would occasionally have events

for families staying at the resort.

Families so rich that they wouldn't be caught dead inside the park.

Ironic! Oh, but maybe

it would happen outside. It's a little boy.

Yes. It's a little boy.
Yeah.

This evening, on the banks

of the Seven Seas Lagoon, they were

ironically screening the delightful movie

Zootopia. There,

amongst the crowd were the Graves family,

parents, Matt and Melissa, just

wanted to teach their children Ella and Lane about racism

through cartoon animals when tragedy would strike.

You see, it's better to be done at home with Barbies and Kens.

Amen.

That's what I do when I teach neighborhood children about racism.

I do all the voices so they know the difference between the races.

Oh, good.

That's smart.

That's really been my new thing.

Your training comes in handy sometimes. It's not on Mike anymore.
I save it for the community. Lane Thomas Graves, two years old, 30 pounds, 37 inches tall.
Is he about to fight Mike Tyson? Was excited to build a sandcastle and was retrieving water and sand from the shores of the seven seas lagoon another tourist from north carolina shauna giacomini was staying at the resort she said that around 8 15 p.m her eldest daughter saw an alligator five feet from the shore near the marsh this daughter told the movie coordinator about the alligator the person then told a man whose shirt said the word coordinator on it

and told him about the alligator lurking by the shore.

The two-year-old Lane was excited and splashing in the dark grassy water,

bent over to fill his bucket, and it snapped.

The eight-foot, 250-pound alligator materialized and grabbed Lane by the head with her massive jaws. Jeez.
Head first, huh? Yeah. Wow.
Well, she didn't really know. He was so small that they didn't know it was a person.
They probably thought it was like a fucking possum or something. But that's what it does to deer.
If you ever see deer, it goes head first. And when they grab birds, they go headfirst.
Yeah. His father, Matt, with his back turned for just a moment, hears a splash and then sees the beast trying to descend into deeper water with his boy.
Matt leapt into action and jumped on the starving reptile and tried to pry open its jaws with his hands, which proves useless because an alligator has one of the

most powerful jaws in the animal kingdom. He can clamp down with over 3,000 pounds of pressure.
Witnesses say they saw him on top of the animal, punching it with bloody hands. He then lost his footing in the battle and cut his leg open as the alligator descended with his son into the Seven Seas Lagoon.
Witnesses Peter Kerkos and Kerry Colberry said that they saw Matt Graves punching the alligator, pulling at his son's feet before getting swept off of his and Lane vanishing. Another Disney employee saw the alligator with the boy in its mouth in the middle of the Seven Seas Lagoon before taking him down for a final time.
Yes, there were no swimming signs, but none of those signs warned of the dangers of alligators or snakes. Now, these signs do exist now, but drop a family from Nebraska who don't know all the Florida rules and probably never even thought of an alligator before accidentally creating the perfect scenario for their worst nightmare to come true.
The worst thing that could happen to you if you jump in a lake in Nebraska is you got caught skinny dipping with your cousin. Sure.
Yeah, that's one of the big crimes there. Incest.
Water-based incest. Well, Lane Graves' cause of death was drowning with lacerations to the head and neck.

He was not eaten like many people believe.

Alligators often do not eat their prey during the attack.

Instead, they drag them under the water and kind of place them under a rock or a heavy object

and come back and eat you when you're softer and more digestible.

Yeah.

It's called the recipe.

And alligators also, because they pluck little parts off you, they don't have to eat that much.

Yeah, no, they don't have to eat that much. So alligators are like slow cookers? I guess so, yeah.
Yeah, very similar to slow cookers. They got nothing to do.
Yeah, what else do they do? Also, the responsibility of gators wanting to get close to guests doesn't fall completely on Disney. Often, out-of-town guests feed the alligators, especially at the hotel next to it, the Hawaiian-themed Polynesian Resort.

Oh, I remember the Polynesian.

That's where the lower class of people are.

There ain't no rules.

Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Now you have to go to the all-star sports or movies.

That's the low-class one?

Polynesian's fancy now.

I thought the Polynesian didn't get the full redo that it needed to get. Oh, it just got redone.
It's very nice. There was some word of guests feeding alligators on the day of Lane's attack, but nothing has been confirmed.
Well, you think that it would have been full? Yeah. If it was being fed a lot.
But it's just getting used to people. If you're just throwing popcorn at it though.
Yeah. Like gummy bears and shit.
Or like when they did, when I went to the swamp tour and they just threw marshmallows at them. Yeah.
Marshmallow and dog food. They do a lot too at the swamp tours.
The aftermath, the Florida fish and wildlife caught six alligators after the attack. Two matched the description of the one they were looking for.
Seven to eight foot female weighing over 200 pounds. And these two were found with two tenths of a mile from where Lane's body was found.
They are confident they caught the gator that killed the boy, but there is no way to know for sure because of the messiness of the bites and there was no distinct bite pattern as a result of the struggle with the father. So he got got on circumstantials? Yeah, he just happened to be in the same neighborhood.
Damn, dude, that's racism, man. Absolutely.
How fucking dare they, man, just pick him up just because he kind of looked like the guy? That's what happens, man, especially for alligators. Un-fucking-believable.
I think that, because what's the alligator going to learn? If you pull it out, right, it's like with the dog, right? If you go out to the bathroom, or if you go out of town or you got out for the night and you come back and the dog's shatting the floor. If it's been more than three minutes the dog's not going to take and understand that the shit, this is why you're angry why you're upset.
They're just going to think you're upset and you're angry. They're not going to connect the two.
How is this alligator going to be fucking re-clicked? How is he going to be rehabbed? It doesn't matter. They killed all six of them.
Yeah. I think they just shoot all of them because, you know, after all, there are six million of them.
Now, if you shoot an alligator like that, like let's say you take a rapist or a murder alligator and you take them. Oh, can we get briefcases from them? Absolutely.
I'll get to that in a second. After both alligators were autopsied, their stomachs were empty, which means they were hungry and more likely go for more unusual prey.
Lane's body was found intact, minus some superficial wounds that we talked about earlier, so there would be nothing in the stomach of the offending alligator. So this was some detective work here.
Yeah, yeah. Also, we know that an alligator with an empty stomach in June would desperately need food because energy is needed for mating season.
Interesting. So I would say that it is about a 95% chance that they caught the correct alligator.
But unfortunately, for the other alligators, all were euthanized. In fact, this is when what I'm calling the great Disney World alligator massacre began.

Okay, so they had to literally declare war on alligators.

Disney was like, fuck this shit.

No more gators.

Yeah, that's the thing.

If Disney is going to go after a daycare that has Disney characters painted on the outside of their fucking house,

What do you think they're going to do to a species who murders a guest? I guess they have to wipe them out because, well, they do. They put cats.
Then they give cats. They put those in Disney at night to cats catch the mice.
Disney World and Disneyland is covered in cats and they kill the mice ironically. Because, you know, Mickey Mouse.
From 2007 to 2015, before this all happened, trappers removed an average of 23 gators a year from Walt Disney World. In 2016, the year of the attack, Florida Fish and Wildlife removed 83! Most after June when the attack happened.

The following year, 57, 30 in 2018 and 2019.

But during the pandemic in 2020, when Disney was closed, they were hard at work getting rid of gators when they removed over 50 in just a matter of a couple of months.

Damn, they just smoked them out.

Yeah.

So some of these so-called nuisance gators are moved to zoos, but most are euthanized. The trappers, in fact, sell their meat and skin to make extra money.
All right, so they do. They sell the meat.
Yeah. And the skin.
But it's still... And probably the bones, too.
Isn't alligator leather still technically illegal? Nah, they sell it down there. Yeah, does it? Well, now that they're not endangered anymore,

they're still protected, but they're not endangered

anymore. Yeah, you can buy alligator

leather off of Amazon. Yeah,

I guess it does feel strange

still. You know, it's wrong.

Yeah. I will say it, but that

being said, I also bought an

alligator head, and then my dog ate it.

Pain. Yeah.

It's a cycle. Yeah, sometimes you leave Florida, and then it comes back and tries to kill your dog.
It's what happens. I also feel like if it's more just like if I if an alligator killed Wendy I'd want it shot in the head and skinned and then I'd have the briefcase made from that alligator.
That's power. That is power.
Versus just randomly buying. Yeah, I like that.
I like the revenge. Do you want a happy Gilmore type situation? Yes.
Remember, it killed Chubbs. Oh, yeah, and then I can show other alligators my bag.
Yeah. Don't you fuck with me.
Another thing, why don't you just move them to another lake or a swamp? Well, because most gators will try to find their way home. They have a great sense of direction.
And they'll end up just walking long distances in the night in search of their home. Whoa, will they hitchhike? Yeah.
Never pick up a gator. My dad hit one when driving when I was a kid.
Whoa. Yeah, it was crazy.
He also hit a moose. I think he was a bad driver.
Yeah, I think he was aiming for them. Just know if you are going to pick up a gator, that's why it's always important to bring some raw chicken with you when you go on a long haul road trip during the southeast, because then you give them that whole chicken, they'll snap it up, and then you can safely drive them to wherever they need to go.
Yeah, and keep it in your trunk so it gets nice and stinky. Alligators also are very territorial, and if you introduce a dominant male into a lake where it doesn't live, it often causes all the gators to fight each other, which is never good, but it is fun to see a goddamn gator fight.
That's right. It's a gator fight.
Alligator attacks on people in Florida are rare. In fact, this was the only death from an alligator in the history of Orange County, Florida.
Wow. Now, I know what you're thinking.
I bet these parents sued the fucking doggy dick off of Goofy and Pluto. Yeah, I mean, they better, man.
I want Minnie's pants. Yeah, well, this was all slept under the rug pretty quickly by Disney, and the Graves family never officially filed a lawsuit against the theme park.
Good for them. Yeah.
We are sure that there was a significant payout to the Graves family, but the amount has never been disclosed. And to this day, the Graves family has never said a bad thing about Walt Disney World.
Lawyer Justin Ziegler wrote an interesting article, if you want to check it out, about what the payout might have been in a case like this and the number that's been shared a lot is $10 million. $5 million for each parent and then Disney, on the record, gave Ella, the four-year-old daughter, the sister, $50,000 for emotional damage.
At least it wasn't just like, and here's an ice cream cone. Do you want to meet Pluto? Oh my god, while looking all this shit up, I found an alligator had gotten into the lake or the river surrounding Splash Mountain, and then it was like trying to get into Splash Mountain.
And there's like a cast member hitting it with a pool skimmer, trying to keep it out of there. You know, it's like, Tyler, you're going to need to go get that skimmer.
And I need you to go out there. And you just keep that gator at bay until we get the squad in there.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
All right. No, no, no.
Listen, Mr. Man.
Mr. Gator Man.
You're not getting in this ride. You didn't pay for a ticket.
Well, it's believed with this money that Matt and Melissa Graves started the Lane Thomas Foundation, which is a charity organization that tries to convince parents whose kids pass away suddenly to donate the organs of their newly dead kid so others may live. So far, they have saved the lives of a handful of children, and that's okay with me.
That's great. Oh, wow.
Yeah, see, I feel like in that one. It's good out of the bad.
It does work, and it's hard because that's nature. There's very little you can do about it.
It's a tragic accident. Because I'm not saying that the alligator ain't mean.
No. Alligators don't know.
He was a child playing around. He's the size of chicken.
You see, look, some of these kids, sometimes I mistake kids for chickens. Two-year-olds are far larger than chickens.
Yeah, man. I mean, not much bigger.
This kid was bigger than a turkey. See? There's 30-pound turkey.
Oh, yeah, that's my goal weight for a turkey. Okay, turkey and a two-year-old, I'll allow it.
Yum. I know when I was two, I was like, fucking 70 pounds.
Yeah, dude. You were looking like you had nothing to do with me.
You looked like a side of mutton. Yeah..
Disney made some slight changes after Lane's passing. There's no more swimming or fishing without Disney's supervision in the Seven Seas Lagoon.
Remember when we were kids, anyone could fish in there. You could jump in there.
There was water skiing. All that shit's gone.
Now there are signs warning of snakes and alligators The movies under the stars Events have been moved inside

And the light up alligator

In the night time water pageant on the lake

Was also removed

The light up alligator

Yeah they have like a water pageant

With lights down every night

Can't even think about alligators

Yeah and TikTok from Peter Pan

Got taken out

Oh I love TikTok

Yeah proof he's the first child killer He's the very first one Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha life, and a plaque that says, the Lane Thomas Foundation, a beacon of hope, a light of love. Oh, that's nice, Eddie.
Yeah. I'm glad it wasn't a cafeteria or something if they put a big turkey leg stand where he was first eaten.
No alligators in Zootopia, so maybe in Zootopia, too, they could name an alligator Lane. That would be so cute.
What's interesting, though, is that when you mentioned the name Zootopia, the first image I had was like a big, goofy alligator on the front cover. Yeah.
That's Sing. The one you're thinking of is the gator that dances with the hippo in Fantasia, maybe? Maybe.
I think you're thinking of Sing. Yeah.
No, Sing's got a pig. There's no alligators in Sing.
I love Sing. The movie's wonderful.
Sing, too? Who knows? The Graves family has since welcomed another son into the world, and my guess is he won't be going to Florida waters anytime soon. Oh, that's nice.
They can make another one. Yeah.
Well, when Floridians... Oh, you can take your ears off now.
That's the end of my story. Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for participating. Thank you for the branding.
You easily could have told me no. No, no.
No, it's called Yes And. So we are locked in.
When Floridians are not busy getting eaten alive by alligators, Floridians are also famous for eating each other. Yeah! We covered this story a million years ago.
When it very first happened, we did a little did a little thing called zombie attacks. Oh, I think it was called erratic behavior.
Yes, it was during a time period where a lot of erratic behavior was going on. I believe it was the same guy that had cut open his own belly while at a traffic stop.
There was a couple of folks, but this story now, especially then, we did not know all the details because the big thing that got spun out of this story was about the bath salts and all that shit. And it turns out you could be super hungry.
Sober. Yeah.
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Well, when you think of Florida cannibalism, one case immediately jumps to mind. Thank God more don't.
The 2012 Miami cannibal attack where a man named Rudy Eugene stripped naked, walked across the MacArthur Causeway, and ate Ron Poppo's face for 18 minutes. 18 long, chomping minutes.
That's right. It's a shame, because if he got to 20, they would have called Guinness.
Isn't it a shame? Dahmer's still the king. Famous for two things.
Yeah, old Rudy Eugene, man. He looks upset in this picture.
This obscene attack earned him the nickname the Causeway Cannibal. Not to be confused with the Turnpike Taster from New Jersey or the Roundabout Rummager who was Parisian, I believe.
To this day, no one knows what turned this man into a craven, face-thirsty animal. The Canton Culinarian.

It is very interesting because his family came out hard in the paint to take care of him and support him and say, like, he was a loving family member.

He had some problems with people, with the law in the past, but nothing that significant.

Yeah.

We'll talk about what someone in one of his family members believes was the cause in a little bit. The consensus at the time was...
Oh, I thought it was in the Burger King volume meal going up? No, it wasn't this time. The consensus at the time was bath salts, which raised even more questions than answers.
Yeah, everyone was obsessed with smoking bath salts. They say you make you go psycho, but I still have never met a person that smoked bath salts.
They're not friendly. Yeah, they're right.
Hi, name's Jeff Taylor. I smoked bath salts on January 26, 1993.
You might be smelling that on my breath. That's called eucalyptus and mint.
I just took a hit earlier today. I'm going to get down to Triple B.
I've got to get down there right now. Honestly, I I got to get talking to my doctor.
Even if it was so, Eugene's autopsy only turned up trace amounts of marijuana. And trace amounts is like he may have smoked yesterday or the day before.
He smoked weed a lot. I don't know.
I probably shouldn't have wrote the word trace. But also, I just took it straight from the article.
and I both Eddie learned when he was doing

because THC's fat solvent

he learned that when he was in parole

that he tested positive for weed

for fucking nine months

because it was living in my fat

it's in your fat

but he said as long as it kept going down

they wouldn't send me back to jail

I remember I had to quit smoking weed

for a month to get a fucking

janitor's job

they should give you weed

Thank you. down, they wouldn't send me back to jail.
I remember I had to quit smoking weed for a month to get a fucking janitor's job. Oh, yeah, buddy.
God. Just they should give you weed with the job.
Yeah, I was working. I want my janitor's stone.
Yeah, I was working as a temp as a janitor and the boss took me aside. He's like, so hey, listen, you know, you like working here.
I was like, yeah, it's great. Just get to fucking listen to music and just walk around.
He's like, so if you want a full time job here, you know, you can have it. But, uh, let me ask you something.
Yeah. I need you to be real honest with me.
Can you pass a drug test? And if you can't, when can you pass a drug test? And I was like, 30 days. And he said like, good enough for me.
We'll put in the paperwork in three weeks. You see, cause that's the thing being a janitor I don't want you drunk because that's when you start fucking and sucking people stoned you're not going to be fucking and sucking right, like a drunk janitor he's plotting and he's thinking, he's smoking he's drinking and he's thinking he, like, yeah, I could see that child being adult in my mind.
I take that

child on a time trip

in my mind.

I remember, like, when I worked at the

Crystal River Seafood in Tallahassee, one day

I came in. I was, you know, jovial,

joking with everybody. And my boss was like,

oh, man, you came in high today, huh?

And then I was like, you'll know. He's like, if you

want to know when I'm high, it's when I come in here and I just start working. Well, it was weird because it was just weed in his system.
And now, you know, I smoke lots of weed. And the worst thing I've ever eaten is Applebee's.
Don't do fucking... Who knows? Who knows? We're still looking for some Applebee's.
Come on board. We can change Eddie.
We can change him. The cause remains a mystery, although honestly, I think I might have cracked it.
Let's roll back the clocks and zombie walk our way to May 26, 2012. That morning, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene drove across the causeway to check out the Urban Beach Week, an annual South Beach hip-hop festival, which I'm sure goes smoothly every year.
And there is no way that the atmosphere there led to this at all. A Miami New Times article posted only three days after the attack reported that this year's fest came and went with a little commotion.
Sure, a man got eaten alive. His fake nose and eyeballs got chewed upon, but otherwise, it was great.
But by Urban Beach Week standards, not a hiccup. We're going to Miami.
Gonna eat all you in Miami. Well, Eugene only stayed at the fest for 30 or so minutes before abandoning his car and starting to walk across the three mile long causeway.
Inside his car, police later found a Bible in five empty water bottles. Apparently overheating, Eugene stripped off his clothes and was nude by the time he encountered 65 year old Ronald Poppo, an unhoused man originally from Brooklyn, Poppo drifted down to Florida in the 70s and had lived on the streets ever since.
Honestly, if you're going to be, that's the place to be. Yeah, I mean, well, there are lots of homeless in Miami.
There's lots of homeless in Los Angeles because the weather's beautiful. The weather is better and it's an easier place to live outside all year long.
According to Poppo, Eugene approached him in a friendly manner, but then started complaining that he couldn't score at the beach. And then he accused Poppo of stealing his Bible.
And then he started beating and eating him. This would prove to be Eugene's last supper.
Eyewitnesses, Larry Vega said, the guy was like tearing him to pieces with his mouth. So I told him, get off, man.
Quit doing that, dude. He's not good.
And the other guy just kept eating. And the other guy went, like ripping his skin.
He's like, hey, dude, fucking lay off that guy or whatever. I got to go.
My Starbucks is ready. Officer Jose Ramirez arrived at the gruesome scene and reportedly did a double take.
And then Eugene did a spit take. I was going to make the joke.
I was going to make the joke. And then another spectator got hit with a seltzer bottle.
That's the funniest day in Miami. That's a funny day.

But they said apparently

the guy that got his face eaten,

he saw Rudy. He saw Rudy.

And he said that he came off

the beach. And so he was

walking up and apparently

Rudy kept talking about how he

had a bad day at the beach,

man. And it's just like

I've had bad days at the beach. Oh, most of them are bad.
Especially when I don't have a chair. I hate sitting on the ground.
I hate sand. Oh.
I hate sand. And it's everywhere there.
Everywhere. And I, it gets wild, right? Because then he comes right up to him and then just starts eating his fucking face, dude.
It's not good, man. Well, Officer Ramirez pointed his gun at Eugene and told him to stop.
In response, the naked man merely raised his head with pieces of flesh in his mouth, growled, and then resumed his business. Wow.
So Ramirez shot him, which proved to be ineffective. So he shot him four more times.
Ah, God. Which we all know a kind of a side effect of marijuana is to get shot and nothing happen to you.
Most of the time. Maybe it was to Teva.
I don't know. Sometimes what I do is just have Natalie see if she can contain me after I'm smoking a bowl.
I just say contain me. And then it is very difficult for her to do it because sometimes I'll turn into a liquid, go under the door.
Sometimes I turn into a batch of butterflies and I can't be controlled. I go everywhere into the sky.
I turn into shit. Many magical things happen under the influence of marijuana.
We're all aware of this. I love my home.
By the time Poppo reached the hospital, 80% of his face was gone. Both of his eyes gouged out.
An officer said it was eaten down to his goatee. In a later interview, Poppo would say, Eugene just ripped me to ribbons.
Which is putting it very Paul Lind-like. It is.
He just ripped me to ribbons. You wouldn't even believe it.
Oh, you see me? You should see the other guy. He got his nose eaten off.
Yeah. His eyeballs got sucked out.
His fucking ingruggy bit off his cheeks, which I actually didn't know that was that. I didn't know that you could bite somebody's nose off.
Yeah. Yeah, it's just cartilage.
It's just another part of the American dream that I haven't got to yet. Yeah.
The human jaw, I mean, you mentioned how strong the alligator's jaw is. The human jaw is incredibly strong.
Really? Yes, the human jaw. Let me see where we stand.
How many pounds of pressure? Yeah. Because a gator, remember, is 3,000 pounds of pressure.
I mean, a gator's going to be stronger than us. Of course.
It's one of the strongest in the animal kingdom. It's all mouth.
We could do 150 on the molar. That's not bad.
You can rip it out of somebody's nose off. Hyena's got a really strong jaw, too.
I bet. Don't fuck with those fuckers.
I'm not trying to. But that level of detachment saying he just ripped me to ribbons was kind of Poppo's vibe.
After a facial reconstruction that left him looking like a shrink-wrapped skull, he was mostly just grateful. And when he asked if he blames Eugene, he said, I'm sure that that man had a bad day that day.
He is not wrong. He's a good listener.
But his family said that they thought he was dead. They thought he was dead when they found him.
And technically, when the guy ate his face off, it weirdly turned his life around. Like it brought him into like now he's in medically assisted living.
Yeah. Because he's extreme.
Because he's, like, I mean, it's not a sensitive way to say this. You know, like, Stevie Wonder went blind in a romantic way.
And other people go blind in a way where, like, that's an inspirational way. You know? And he went blind in the worst way.
I think actually the worst way. He went blind.
Blinded by eating. Yeah.
Blinding by, yeah, because it's like, because he did a whole description of his, of what happened to him. Yeah.
I mean, he's got a great attitude about the situation. In fact, he was offered more facial reconstruction, and he was like, ah, fuck it, I'm good.
That is an irie attitude if I've ever heard one. Just being like, hey, you want a nose? Nah.
Henry found this. Let's listen to Poppo tell some of the story in his own words.
A hitchhiker returned from the beach, was kind of in a glad mood for a while.

Then he turned kind of vicious after a minute or two, and he started to rip me apart.

He smashed my face into the sidewalk.

My face was all bashed up.

My eyes got plucked out. He was strangling me in wrestling holes.
At the same time that he was picking my eyes out, he was strangling me in wrestling holes. For a very short amount of time, I thought he was a good guy, but he just went and turned by Barseric.
That's how you know you never know, and that's why it's really, really important to do background checks. He was coming back, and I guess he took it out on me or something.
I don't know. Yeah, you know, but other than being seemingly delicious, we don't know a ton about Ron Popo.
To be honest, you know what I was watching? I was watching one of my new favorite shows called Culinary Wars right now. It's from Culinary Class Wars on Netflix.

I absolutely love it.

And one of the things that they taught you as a restaurateur.

Come on to tacos?

Hmm.

I don't know.

But what they talk about is check the leftovers.

Like, as a restaurant owner, you should be checking the leftovers because you can see what people like and what they don't like and what they don't finish.

And I think one of the big problems is that I don't think he was very delicious because of how much he left. I think he was actually I would say the opposite on that.
He was extremely delicious because the other man had to be shot four times to get him to stop eating. 80% of the face.
He left the lips and chin. There's so much more of him.
There is so much more of him. Dick.
Dick. Hands.
Have you ever had a meal so good that someone had to shoot you with a nine millimeter to

get you to stop?

Oh, yeah.

There's a couple.

There's a couple I think that you could definitely like.

Show them the scars.

If you show me.

If you put a Peter Luger steak in front of me and I went to go take a piece of it and

you tried to take it away from me.

Yeah, I could probably.

You could probably shoot me in the head.

You could take two bullets before you could be like, all right, all right, all right.

All right, all right.

I'll go to dinner someplace else.

Well, here's what we do know about Ron Popo.

He went to the prestigious Stuyvesant High School in Brooklyn.

That's where I was going to go.

Oh.

Stuyvesant.

You have to test in.

Yeah, he was in the Latin Club and he had high hopes for his future, writing in a schoolmate's 1964 yearbook, First Italian in the White House, 1984. Wow.
Yeah. He got married and then divorced and was on the streets in Florida by 1976, unfortunately.
That's very fast. Yeah.
That's very, very fast. Especially when you're trying to be president in 84.
I feel like, yeah, that's going to not really, you're really going to have to work on that grassroots campaign.

Yeah, he has an estranged daughter who had no idea he was even alive until he was eaten alive.

Since the attack, he's been allowed to live at the Medicaid facility indefinitely, and he's still there to this day.

Rudy Eugene, on the other hand, is still dead.

He's no longer zombified.

But let's talk about his life and see

what we can piece together the why of it all. Born and raised in Miami, Eugene's parents

emigrated from Haiti shortly after his birth. He grew up in a religious household and was a high

school football star. After high school, he mostly worked dead-end jobs, bouncing between fast food

restaurants and telemarketing companies. At the time of the attack, he was working at a car wash.
Though even in adulthood, he remained religious, was always carrying around a Bible. Still, Rudy was a very angry man and had a history of violent behavior.
His marriage ended a few years prior, and according to his ex-wife, he was physically abusive.

He'd been arrested eight times, including one incident where he trashed his mother's home and threatened to kill her. Most of the other arrests were marijuana-related, and he had a weed habit, which according to his girlfriend, he was trying to kick.
Unfortunately, that weed habit was his only redeemable quality. which brings us to the main culprit, the alleged explanation for this unthinkable act.
Drugs. Side note, Rudy's then-girlfriend was pretty much the only one who didn't blame drugs.
She was convinced it was a voodoo curse. Yeah, she said that he was taken over and he was possessed by a diamond.
But, I mean, you know, it's just more just, it's just an excuse. You have to try it.
This is your boyfriend. You have to explain it somehow.
Like, I kissed him and he ate that man's face. Because eating a face is truly the, it's just a different type of crime than he's ever done.
Yeah. You know, and the rest of us, we're thinking it was probably drugs.
Specifically, bath salts. Well, what are they? I remember the hoopla at the time and thinking people were actually smoking bath and body works.
I remember that. Turns out not to be true.
If it were, it would have made for a great smelling zombie. Hey, do you guys smell fresh cotton sheets? Run! Oh, God, I knew it.
I knew it was that Yankee Candle shit. Hello, 911, I'm being eaten alive by a man that smells like Christmas cookies.
Oh, incredible. Where did you get that breath? Well, bath salts are actually the street name for synthetic amphetamines you buy at a gas station under brands like Vanilla Sky or Cloud9.
They're called designer drugs, not because they're fancy, but because they're chemically designed to duck the law. So these are like Spice and all that shit.
All that crazy shit. Yeah, Spice is insane.
In Brooklyn, Spice used to be just fucking... It took over.
It really took over. Oh, yeah.
The Myrtle Broadway stop was a fucking disaster. Yeah, because fucking that big boy deli was selling all that shit out in front.
The Cowmen recorded our album like two doors down from there, so every time you had to walk past all these fucking Spice zombies. Yeah, I saw a woman walking through the middle of the street there and a car honking at her, and so she started headbutting the hood of the car.
Jesus. Yeah, it was fucking wild.
That's a true New Yorker. I lived off that stop for two years.
Well, most bath salts are man-made version of cathinone, a derivative of a South African shrub called the cot plant. Practically unknown to us, but over 20 million people in the Arabian Peninsula in East Africa chew cot leaves daily.
It was chosen because it's an easy molecule to tweak. And due to its relative obscurity, these shady designer labs realized they could easily evade legality by constantly changing one or two aspects of the formula.
It's like avoiding copyright infringement. Yeah.
It's exactly what they do with spice as well. Yeah.
They're constantly tweaking it to stay one step ahead of the DEA. They don't even update the branding when they change the recipe.
They just put new crap in the same bag. So 2012's Vanilla Sky is completely different than 2014's Vanilla Sky.
Why waste the bags, I guess, super environmental. Yeah.
Wow, that is nice. Yeah.
And back then, the prevalent Vanilla Sky iteration was a MDPV, street name monkey dust.

Yes, I know.

Sounds awesome.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, I do like it.

Yeah.

Would you like to come with me and enjoy and perhaps smoke this bowl of monkey dust?

Wow, okay.

Now, anyone familiar with the dust knows that it's a strong high, but it doesn't make you crave flesh. Like any upper, it mostly makes you pitch horrible business ideas and punch cards.
Yeah, you can do stuff like not being able to have sex. Shit a lot.
Yeah. I got an idea.
Shoes for birds. Listen, listen, listen, listen.

It's a market no one's thinking about.

Everyone was very surprised when Eugene's autopsy came

up clean. The toxicology

reports directly contradict

the public consciousness that this

was, in fact, done

by bath salts. Yeah, because it took over the

whole country. Everybody was talking and screaming about

bath salts because they're looking for an

excuse as to why he did this.

It just seems like he went temporarily

World of Warcraft. by bath salts.
Yeah, because it took over the whole country. Everybody was talking and screaming about bath salts because they're looking for an excuse as to why he did this.
And it just seems like he went temporarily mad and then or legitimately just we talk about this a little bit on last podcast like the concept of you know sometimes going crazy is just about sort of giving yourself the permission to give in to a very dark impulse in the moment because you've just decided to stop caring. And yes, that is what the madness is.
But this guy essentially just decided to say, fuck all normal life. Maybe.
I mean, he seems like a man who had mental problems, definitely, but violent mental problems, unlike most people who have mental

problems, but it seemed like he really did

just turn off the safety.

Yes. So maybe it was voodoo.

If it was, Eugene

was likely possessed by

a voodoo god, a.k.a. Oloa.

Maybe it was

Baran Criminel, who was known

to eat the flesh of his host

if he isn't presented with the food

he likes, or perhaps it was

Thank you. Maybe it was Baran Criminel, who was known to eat the flesh of his host if he isn't presented with the food he likes.
Or perhaps it was Congo Savan, a man-eating loa who grinds his victims into corn. I would say the last one was the most, that would be the most likely one, because the middle one, that guy, Rudy would have eaten himself.
He would have convinced him to do it, yeah. Well, listen, I have another theory, all right? On May 16th, 2012, 11 days before the attack, the Senate introduced a bill called the Synthetic Drug Abuse Prevention Act, which directly banned monkey dust, classifying it as a Schedule I narcotic, as illegal as it gets.
So the words monkey dust are in the books in America? I believe so. That's amazing.
Now, the gas station drug business is founded on skirting drug legislation, staying one step ahead of the man. And you bet they had another formula in the hopper, which surfaced in the EU as early as 2011 called Alpha PVP street name Flocka or Gravel.
Oh yeah, I remember Flocka. I remember Flocka very well.
Flocka would soon gain infamy specifically in South Florida, the epicenter being the suburbs of Dade and Broward counties. Starting in early 2013, peaking in 2015 until it was finally classified as Schedule 1 all the way in 2017.

Compared to monkey dust, Flocka hits differently. The high is aggressive, manic, with hyperstimulation, vivid hallucinations, severe shifts in mood, and rage severe enough to trigger self-harm or violence, earning itself the nickname the zombie drug.
It caused one Fort Lauderdale man to try and break down the front door of a police station, and when that failed, he climbed their spike fence and impaled himself on it. That case was closed pretty quickly.
Another flock ahead in Anaheim, out by us, stripped naked and started charging at cars like a bull. This stuff doesn't just make zombies, it makes fast zombies.
World War Z, Train of Busan. 28 days later.
Zombies, yes. Now watch this shit.
Watch the Anaheim guy. I got a video of it.
I just want y'all to see it. That guy was just charging at us.
Whoa! He went fast, dude. That was fast.
Completely naked. Melissa Didrio got into her car at her Anaheim apartment.
Apparently, he didn't ruin any clothes. 1130 Saturday night.
She never saw this coming. And then all of a sudden, on the rearview mirror of my vehicle, I see this naked guy just running towards my neighbor's car.
That guy's crocked. Police say security tape shows 21-year-old Garrett Smith throwing himself into her neighbor Charlie Barnes minivan.
Dude, get him at the combine. Her neighbor, you know, told me the story and I didn't believe her at first.
Vidrio panicked. Once he fell back, I was scared, I was shocked, I didn't know what else to do, so I backed up.
Right into her neighbor's fence. As she tried to get away, the suspect suspect charged at her that's when he jumped on my vehicle in the front of my windshield that's all vidrio stepped on the gas turned and I bumped into my neighbor's van that's when I saw the guy flying off the car.
Whoa!

Whoa!

He is fucking trucking, dude!

I was scared. I literally thought I was gonna die that day.

Hey, you know, as long as he's got his cardio in, it's so hard.

That's incredible.

Yeah, it's fucking nuts what this shit does

to you. So back in May 2012,

Monkey Dust is criminalized

and these labs have

Alpha PVP waiting in the wings. wings specifically ready to launch in south florida and when you know south beach would likely get the first shipment so it's possible eugene was on gravel no way to know now well one thing we know that did turn up in his autopsy was a handful of unidentifiable pills and And while medical examiners at the time could test for monkey dust, they had nothing for alpha PVP.
They had no idea it existed yet. They didn't develop that test until late 2013.
That's fascinating. So he was just probably on something else.
Most likely. Yeah, he's on Flocka.
Did you read about where Flocka is growing now? No. The Netherlands.
Oh my god. Like, as of April of this year, it says the use of the extremely addictive drug Flocka is increasing and the zombie drug is causing more problems in the Netherlands.
Last year, Dutch cops responded to 995 incidents involving Flocka users. Oh my God.
Up from 614 a year early.

Let's try it!

Let's get some! Yeah, I want to try it!

Plus for the new intern. Yeah, the new intern!

They're going to try to do...

It's like, okay, you got to go to Costco

on Flocka.

Apparently it's been since

2018. These are people with

inexplicable behavior who cause nuisance.

For example, people walk the street at night, naked or not, and then sneak into the gardens of local residences. Yeah.
So there you have it. On May 26, 2012, I think Rudy Eugene stopped off at a Circle K, grabbed five water bottles and a pack of new and improved Vanilla Sky on his way to a hip-hop concert, and came back as a zombie with a hankering for Italian beef.
Yeah, wow. Was he the Causeway cannibal, or was he really Flocka Patient Zero? Probably both.
So, in short, why is Florida so fucked up? Is it really worse than Ohio? I've read the news. I don know crazy shit happens everywhere right but in Florida

it's got that little extra oomph you know

because it's an end of the world society

people in Florida do

dumb shit I mean when I was 22

I bought an AK-47 with my tax

return to protect my drugs

do you know what it's

like to live in a place that's August

for 11 months out of the god damn year

it's hot man and it makes you

crazy and then we drink cause we're hot

Thank you. Do you know what it's like to live in a place that's August for 11 months out of the goddamn year? It's hot, man.
And it makes you crazy. And then we drink because we're hot and now we're drunk and we're crazy, okay? It's also just the place that renegades have been going for a long-ass fucking time.
The place is a ticking time bomb. Every time a hurricane comes, you're like, all right, this could be it.
The waters are coming in three blocks into Miami Beach. Multiple mayors have been screaming at multiple presidents about it.
You got dinosaurs in your backyard. People are releasing exotic pets.
There's new animals every other month. When I was a kid, there were no iguanas.
Now there's statues of them, okay? Floridians are fighting a war against a swamp, and the swamp will win. It's not if, it's when.
The mangroves are the only thing holding in the Everglades, and once they die, the ocean connects to one of the biggest swamps in the world, and everything's underwater. Now, if that doesn't make you want to pack your pipe full of monkey dust, I don't know what the fuck will.
Hey, monkey dust is only going to keep you more agitated in the end time, so I say switch to that indica monkey dust. You ought to want some of that sleepy time monkey dust.
That's panda dust. Yes, you're right.
Koala. Yes, a koala.
So that's Florida Files eating alive. Special shout out to Grant Gordon, who helped research and write the script for this, and Disney Dan for helping me research the story of Lane Graves.
That's good work, Eddie. Good work.
Thank you so much. Great work.
Trimmed down to Florida and we learned a lot and I don't want to go back. I can't wait for more Florida Files.
But we're going to be back. Just so you know, we're also going to be doing some live shows in Florida.
We're figuring out when we're doing that. We will be doing that.
For those of you to check it, go to thelastpodcastandleft.com. We're in Atlanta.
That's close. Yeah, that's going to be in January.
Yeah, we're going to be in Atlanta at the Coca-Cola Theater, whatever Coca-Cola Theater that is. You know what it is.
The Roxy. The Coca-Cola Roxy.
Coca-Cola Roxy. Go to patreon.com slash lastpodcastandleft to watch us yell and scream.
Go to LP on the left at all the various socials to see us on socials, and you'll get your socials. And go to twitch.tv slash lp on tv.
Yeah. They get the Twitch shows, and then go to youtube on our youtube to watch them after the fact new york city will be there the first week of december at king's theater in brooklyn i can't wait for that fucking show that's going to be amazing i've wanted to play that place my whole fucking life and then of course atlanta in january uh dallas in february and then uh we move to the ryman in march detroit in april and toronto in may we got a lot of shows coming up come get your tickets now go to that VIP experience when we do a Q&A afterwards it's like you're getting a fucking second show yeah we have a great time and you get a sign poster and a lanyard which I know Henry loves go to lastpodcastontheleft.com to see when those dates are and to see where you can buy those tickets.

Thank you so much, Edward.

No problem.

Really good work.

Thank you, guys.

I love you guys.

Also, quick, HGX2, the Hoopagoo-goo game, coming back December 12th, 6 p.m. Pacific,

9 p.m. Eastern, to the LPN Twitch channel.

That's twitch.tv slash LPN TV.

And let's just say that there may be a little bit of musical accompaniment on this episode. Oh, I wonder who that might be.
Who's gonna be? Interesting. Alright.
Well, hail Sweet Satan, everyone. Hail Gein.
Hail Lane Graves. Yeah, leave the little dogs at home in Yeah.
Leave them at home. Take them to a park.
Yeah. Front yard's good.
Yes. Front yard's better.
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