Side Stories: Stories with Friends

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Side stories?

That's when the cannibalism started.

Side stories.

Yes.

Hello.

Is there anybody out there out there?

Can anybody hear me?

Your daddy's coming home.

Hello,

hello.

Is there anybody in there?

I'm all by myself.

And I feel scared.

Normally, I feel the up to 104 degree temperature of Ed Larson next to me at this table.

And as you can see,

The chair lies empty.

There's a setting there for him.

But he won't be there for Christmas dinner, no.

No, no.

For unfortunately today,

it was a memorial episode about Ed Larson.

What a wonderful life he lived.

1981, I think,

to 2025.

43 big fat years.

He lived and died the way he always wanted to die.

Which was sucking off a dolphin.

It's the only thing he thought about.

God, I miss Ed.

I can't believe he died.

I don't think he's dead.

Oh, he's not dead yet?

I don't think so.

He's just sick.

Oh, I thought he died.

Oh, no.

Well, that scraps the planet for the episode.

Hello, it's Side Stories, and it's me, Henry Zabrowski.

Ed Larson's sick.

And normally we will come up with some kind of solution here, right?

We'd pipe him in from his home.

But we know in the end his home has become a gigantic nursing home for dogs.

So you just hear the moans of the elderly dogs, and it's hard to hear him going,

making some play upon words.

So today I'm writing solo.

It's just me, Henry Zabrowski, but I am going to invite...

the other people, other talented hosts here on LPN to come with me and join on specific stories because I want to see their reaction.

No one really knows what it's like in here in the cage with me, right?

Everybody's afraid.

They just hear the yelling from outside this room and they just assume everybody's frightened of me.

Maybe correct.

But today it's going to be different because we've got special guests coming in.

We've got my goddamn wife.

Natalie Jean is coming in from someplace underneath and LPN Romanticy.

We've got Jake Young from Nerd of Mouth and we've got Grant Gordon from nothing, from literally absolutely nothing.

I know he's done a lot of commercials.

He's got some things.

Grant's really done very well in the commercial space.

Yeah.

You know, and I'm really proud of him for that.

So if you've seen him on a commercial, please tell him

because he's desperate for the recognition.

Now, first of all, today's episode, I want to thank everybody who came out to our live shows over in Asheville, Durham, and Charlotte.

They were, to be simply put, the best shows we've ever done in every one of those cities.

And you can guarantee that was absolutely true.

Asheville was wonderful.

A lot of drugs there.

Really very, very happy with them.

Happy with how all of that went down.

Everybody was very nice.

A lot of people did not want to talk about the 12 tribes with me, which is a big deal in Asheville.

Do you know anything about that, Rob?

I don't know.

They've heard of it.

The 12 tribes is a old old school, back-to-basics, what they used to call the Jesus people-style movement.

Also, just so you know, you're going to hear sounds coming from my fucking iPad because what's happened to me today, which is true.

All right, before I get into any stories, God fucking damn it.

I don't know.

I have lost

my MacBook.

I was in the hotel masturbating.

Like, as I should, all right, to keep me, keep me honest.

My masturbation is what keeps me a good husband, keeps me being a good man, okay?

So I was masturbating and

maybe it was because of the shame.

Maybe it was just because my computer had enough.

Maybe my computer as a silent witness has seen me beat.

myself off so many times in such dark cryptic way and just looked in my dead eyes staring at the retina display and it's just seen it over and over again my face like david parker ray like hovering above myself you know like and maybe it just decided to quit on it so when there's something that popped inside inside of it, like an internal crack or some horse shit, all of a sudden, I'm literally watching.

My screen just bursts, and my screen bursts into a bunch of pieces while I'm jerking off at it.

And is that just the force of the pure

orgon energy coming out of me?

That's not good.

It's not good, but now it's so now I'm on an iPad.

And Natalie made the funny little joke.

I'm like my mother.

Because everywhere I'm going around the house, like, oh, I'm getting no Wi-Fi on this.

Oh, thank God.

My iPad's my little window to the world.

That's what I love about my iPad.

I just open it up and I could see.

You know, you never visit, so I just listen to you on the...

I listen to you on the internet.

Why would I let?

Oh,

I don't need to talk to you, Henry Thomas.

Don't worry.

I listen to your show.

It's not like you tell me anything anyway.

I'm becoming her.

Piece by piece.

But this, I will say, running a podcast network on an iPad and a phone is fucking killing me.

Okay?

It's not made to work.

Who uses these?

Who's this for?

Is this just for, is an iPad just for like grooming children

and elderly?

Just for toddlers.

All right.

Well, that's me.

I'm somewhere in between.

So the 12 tribes, I was bringing those up because in Asheville, that is a backed to Jesus movement.

Like they believe in the idea of a full stripped-down church.

We talked about, I believe, during the Jonestown series, the concept of the Jesus people, which is, you know, people called them Jesus freaks in the 60s.

It was a kind of ancillary to the hippie movement, where it was a back to basics, no shoes, wandering the earth just like Jesus did rest in the old days, right?

Just gay as hell with your buddies, just wandering the desert, hungry as fuck, hating yeast, right?

So now there is that more and more modern equivalence of that.

And one of those is the 12 tribes.

Now, they are centered around the Asheville area.

They run a farmer's market inside of Asheville that's supposed to be one of the nicest.

It's not the 12 tribes of Israel.

It is a Christian group.

Like, so they run

this farmer's market that's actually apparently very famous in Asheville.

And people were describing it to me that I thought was very interesting: where you go and you essentially get essentially harassed by Jesus-filled children to buy the most incredible berries you've ever had, the wonderful wonderful eggs and milk and all of this.

And slowly but surely, they're trying to sort of fresh food kidnap you into joining their cult.

And then you get to be a part of their very, very antiquated patriarchal society where women essentially give birth and that's it.

And the men can have multiple wives and all of the children have to be beaten.

That is literally like one of the major tenets is that all of the children have to be, they cannot spoil the rod.

So they're beat with with oiled up reeds and shit it's not nice yeah they got a lot of gations a lot of gations but you know a lot of people the venue didn't want to talk to me about them i wonder why i wonder why because they control half the city or it's because it's unpleasant and i was alienating them who knows but a big shout out to everybody that we met in asheville because those are the only really people i hung out with i didn't see really see anybody in charlotte or durham because i was tired so in asheville we went out and we we had fun I want to say thank you to Jade Young, our artist of our new logo.

Not that new now, like two years old.

We hung out there, her and her crew, they were great.

All the people over at the Moog factory, wonderful, wonderful people.

No gations.

As far as I heard.

Now, we got a couple of updates.

Number one update that came across my desk just as I was sitting down.

Do you remember the silent man?

Oh, yeah.

The silent standing man?

Oh, yeah.

Now, the the silent standing man is back.

And he's more quiet than ever.

This is the same guy.

Yes.

Silent man, a man who's spent more than a decade repeatedly standing in the middle of a busy road until he's arrested and then remaining silent, has done it again.

Just a month after being jailed for his last silent attack.

David Hampson.

He always chooses the same spot, namely the junction outside Swansea Central Police Station, which is if he's looking to not get arrested, he should choose a different spot.

But he does it right in front of the police station.

He was arrested for obstructing the highway, and then the 55-year-old continues to not engage with police officers, lawyers, doctors, court staff, judges, probation staff.

And the reasons for his behavior remain unknown.

But I know why.

I actually think I know why.

Hush, hush.

Keep it down now.

Boss has carry.

Favorite song.

Understands that also, straight up, talks to the cops, ain't gonna do nothing, man, but get you in fucking Hotter Dookie.

That's just the fucking real shit, dude, is that you shouldn't open.

He's actually the only criminal I've heard of that does exactly what you need to do, which is saying, Jack, shit, never do it.

Honestly, David, obviously this guy's got some kind of fucking brain problem.

Jeff, what's wrong with him?

I think he's got brain problems.

That is, that's my generous assessment.

He's got a brain problem, and God knows what it is, because he looks like the chattering, what's his name, the fat cetabite.

Oh, I don't know his name.

He looks like the fat cetabite, but that's fine.

He's got a problem.

He's got a little squishful face and like a duck lips.

Chatterbox.

He looks like chatterbox.

Yeah.

And he's got little piggy eyes, right?

But he's got a freedom fighter's brain because he understands.

to not say anything.

People say too much.

In the new day, I feel like, people, you know, obviously I am the biggest culprit of all.

I'm all talking.

I am the exact opposite of strong and silent.

So I look up to this man in many ways because, you know, he has the balls to sit there while they're all like,

David, what's wrong with you?

What's your brain problem?

David, why are you like this?

Why are you standing here?

Can we help you?

What's going on?

And he just silent as an Easter Island head.

And that is, that's what we should all take this from this, is that silence is golden, especially when you're getting arrested for being silent.

What do you think is his end game?

Just to be a human traffic cone?

Like, what is he doing?

I think David, you remember, remember the movie, the Peter Sellers movie,

I am myself.

What was it called?

Where he's the me, myself, and Irene.

No, that's the bad.

That's the other one.

Peter Sellers movies.

I don't know any Peter Sellers movies.

You know what I'm fucking talking about?

It's the famous one that he did where he is like the, it's like, he's just this special man

being there.

He's a special man that is essentially, is he a moron or is he an angel?

And all these people project things onto him and what he stands for.

And so I think in a way, the silent man, David Hampson, he might be willing and ready to accept a projection.

of the British people upon him to be the the he's going to stand in silence, and we don't need to know his reasons.

His reasons are self-evident, which is the highway is the problem.

And he hates people getting places on time.

And maybe that's what it is.

Maybe he himself was always chronically late.

Such a difficult man.

Oh, he's more than a difficult man.

He's getting to a point where he's so difficult, he's getting into helpful.

And that's because we're going to project things upon him and we can use him.

I think with David Hampson, we need to put him on the front lines of Gaza.

We need to put him standing right there and he stands silently judging.

And I bet you just the guilt they'll feel of watching him stand and sweat in the desert heat because British people, they always do that thing, right?

I remember how many times I've been in that London.

They're like, oh, if you check out here, we're smoking the summertime.

You won't even walk London.

It's all his out in here.

It's all crazy out in here.

And you go down there and it's like maybe 80 degrees.

And it's like, you guys fucking, I don't even know how you drink tea all day long if you can't handle this fucking heat because tea's hot as hell right so these guys come out they're all just like oh but can't you stand it when you put david hampson on the lines of the gaza property and he's standing and judging maybe then israel will realize what they're doing

but until then he is getting a one-way ticket to the swansea local jail needs him a traffic guard Give him a job.

I don't think he's, to be honest, I think the traffic needs to be guarded from him because he obviously has an issue with the traffic.

A traffic guard helps traffic.

He's not helping traffic.

He's the opposite of helping traffic.

He hates traffic.

That's true.

So, kudos to you, David Hampson.

And keep fighting the good fight of standing and doing nothing.

It is the ultimate way.

Because remember, when you're actively resisting the police,

you don't want to fight and grip.

You don't want to fight because they're going to taste you.

They're going to grab you and they're going to taste you.

I don't know if they do that in the UK.

But go and limp.

That's completely fine.

Just go and limp.

But say nothing.

David Hampson's a genius.

We have another update.

So, one of the more unfortunate stories that we covered last week is the story of a couple in Devil's Den.

They were stabbed to death as

there was a manhunt looking for them.

They were hiking.

The mother that was stabbed to death actually managed to save her children before returning to save her husband.

It is extremely, extremely sad.

This is in Arkansas.

And the guy that was caught, Andrew McGann,

we now know a little bit more about him.

So when he was caught, he was driving a Kia, of course.

And he was

caught to getting his hair cut.

And he had obviously had the broccoli hair, which is just seems to be a denotation of some kind of deviancy.

I actually think once you see the broccoli hair, like I don't know how you can have broccoli hair and teach, because I actually thought that broccoli hair meant you couldn't be taught.

but maybe I'm wrong.

So he went, he was getting his haircut

actually a day after the crime.

So he stabbed these two people to death.

He went and got a haircut.

He said, Don't touch tap.

He was trying to thought he would squish his bangs in front of his face, right?

And it didn't work.

He was caught five minutes after he sat down.

But now we're seeing that he legitimately was a menace.

He was,

he taught in Texas Elementary School with Louisville IDISD, and he was fired amongst a series of allegations as a young man.

Now, he was obviously very, very,

he's a naughty boy, naughty, naughty, naughty boy.

He said stuff like, he was talking to little girls in his class.

He was, it was labeled as inappropriate.

He's told one little girl, if you were older, I would love to marry you.

Now, I will say at least he couched it with if you were older.

I think at least there's that.

I'm just for anything here.

at least there's that, right?

But that wasn't the only thing.

Because

if it was just once, if it was just once, you know what I mean?

Then you'd be like, well, you know, he's fucking, this is broccoli hair.

He forgets he's not 12.

So he then, he was told he was going to be allowed, he was being allowed to resign, right?

But then all this other stuff came out.

He, uh, all these people, someone that was a former coworker of his, to find out he was arrested for killing a mom and dad in front of their two young daughters is horrifying.

But the fact that he was continuously allowed around children is the real travesty.

Please listen to your kids when they tell you something is wrong or they've seen something happen.

So, this is where all the other things that he was.

This is another parent, Lindsay Poliak,

who had a child at Louisville ISD, described other activities of Andrew McGann, like providing candy and treats only for girls.

Again,

when they even say that in the pickup artist

you get the whole crew right if you're going to talk to one chick you got to talk to all the chicks right he watched the pickup artist i don't think he did obviously not so it's like if you want to cover that up everybody gets candy okay hosting lunchtime in his classroom for special girls i don't know what made him special

Playing with girls during recess.

I, you know, that's one of those where it's just like, I don't even want to, to be honest, the only game I've ever played with little girls in recess is dodgeball because then it's like fucking punishing them, right?

And then you can't misconstrue what's going on at all.

If I'm pelting a little girl full throttle with a fucking dodgeball, no one thinks I'm trying to molest her.

Definitely not.

Definitely not.

Not the way I fucking do it.

Because I cut out their legs.

The keys to bowl underneath them and fucking cut out their legs.

Really mash them up.

Right?

Just fucking double down on them.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Teach a little girl, just because you're a little girl doesn't mean you can't compete with a man.

You gotta get used to it, right?

Then he said said he would ask girls to sit on his lap completely inappropriate especially out of season you got to be in costume uh for the season so it's either easter time

as a bunny or christmas time as a santa i don't know if there's any other holiday in which we are accustomed as a society to sitting on a costume man's lap I think largely it's Easter.

Spider-Man's birthday?

I'm trying to think of another day.

Lincoln's birthday, they they don't do that anymore.

No, you never see those guys anymore.

I think it's just those two, really.

But it's kind of funny, right?

We're both of those, even with the Easter, even the Easter bunny thing, I don't particularly understand.

I guess that's because he is a replacement for Jesus Christ, and you would sort of need to like, I feel like that's the service that we were kind of leaving money on the table for, which is that Jesus can come.

You could sit on Jesus's lap while he's slathered in blood, like Jim Caviezo Jesus, fresh from the tomb.

Because at that point, Jesus Jesus will do anything.

Jesus will give you whatever.

He'll say whatever it takes to go back.

They probably have that somewhere.

Oh, yeah.

They got to have that.

You sit on Jesus's lap.

Yeah.

The only Jesus I'll sit on is if it's a black Jesus.

Wow.

That's my controversial stance for today.

One of many.

He also tickled girls, and he praised the looks of fourth graders.

Now, that's not good.

So Andrew McCann, kind of a gross guy.

They're pretty certain that we have this locked up.

Obviously, he is innocent until proven guilty, but it right now they're saying that there is DNA that ties him to the crime.

They believe that there is

other witnesses.

And now they're already attaching him to cold cases in other states, which you know cops love to do.

So he is already getting, they think that he's been traveling around as a teacher quite a bit.

He went from Oklahoma to Arkansas to Alabama.

He went to all the, and he was doing all this stuff.

So they think that he might be guilty of multiple crimes.

And I brought this up last week about i did not know that teachers had that sort of reputation in terms of being around people but this is i got this in an email from a teacher i wanted to read

i'm listening to this week's side stories and i thought i would echo henry's comments about hearing educators saying that public education is rife with drifters sketchy characters and general riffraff i just got my license in my state uh this is minnesota summer of 2024 so i'm fairly familiar with the arduous process every state is a little bit different in what they require for licensure.

However, you don't need a license to work in a school, which is the truth, because I was a substitute teacher, willy-nilly.

I was one.

I thought that I heard that.

Yes, and I did the $100 a day because it was the most money I could get guaranteed in a day.

And so I would go and do it.

And I remember it was Mrs.

Zabrowski.

I've told this story many times about how being in a first grade class and the kid in the front row like just mimed a gun at me and went

anybody could be a teacher.

And it's fair, and it's not good in that way.

Anybody with the most of the clean black, but this is what she's saying here, this teacher.

No convicted felonies, technically, mostly clean background check.

So you just have to not be caught for any specific crime.

Outside of that, substitutes just need a college degree and a short call, long call sub-license, which is what I got.

Relevant experience, they say in the content area that they are subbing for.

I was never asked for that.

I definitely had to teach a math class and I had no fucking clue what to do.

I have a BA in theater.

The only thing I can teach you how to do is how to scrape the last of your resin into a ball thick enough to smoke.

That's all I could.

And kids love that.

Rules and regulations are only as strong as the people who are enforcing them, according to this teacher.

And I had an alarming experience on that front the first year I was teaching.

Many states offer educator licenses in a tiered system in order to capitalize on students in teacher prep programs.

There is a teacher shortage, after all.

I was on a low-tier license, college degree in content area or relevant experience in the field, and being currently enrolled in teacher prep.

I just landed my first job in the largest district in our state.

You can only apply for this license once you get a job offer and then your school district is supposed to sponsor you through the process.

Well, I managed to work for almost an entire year without the relevant license, documents, or paper trail on file with the state and the district.

No transcripts from school, no verification I was in a program, no fingerprinting or temp license.

I don't even know for sure that they ran a background check.

And I only found out when I was chatting with some friends in my cohorts, right, who had some, who had the same license in theory, not practice, as it turns out.

And their experience, quote unquote, getting it was wildly different from mine.

So they had to send in, apparently one of them had a mail in their fingerprints somewhere.

And they said, no one asked me for any of that shit.

It's all completely deregulated.

I vaguely remember receiving an email from somebody in the district six or so weeks into my contract asking me about a file number or something to which I said I don't have that.

They said, oh, that's a problem.

You can't be teaching unless you do have that.

I will inform your principal.

Then I never heard about it again and I quit at the end of the year.

So it became irrelevant.

So it's basically saying there's no follow-up.

So I'm not trying to get people scared.

I feel like we're already having a lot of people attack the Department of Education enough.

So I do understand that.

It's just wild to think that anybody can do anything.

When Marcus was going through his lung COVID, how many COVID nurses I met that said they did not believe in COVID, that it existed, is wild to me.

And they just seemed to be doing it to get out of whatever horrible town they were in to go fuck in Indianapolis.

All of these COVID nurses were just out there fucking and sucking their way across the country.

God bless them.

Somebody's got to keep our truckers fucking tight and ready to go.

So today,

it's just me.

But I'm going to bring some guests in.

Maybe you see here, this is my extra-large bathing suit that Ed bought me that he thought that we'd look good together in.

And we didn't bring it together.

There was a pool at the hotel, but we didn't get to use it.

And it's so hard because this does make me miss Ed because it makes me think of his lower half.

And that was his best half because his top half makes all the jokes that make me angry.

He's still alive.

We'll see.

Won't we?

Please give your memorial fund to Vemmo at Henry-Zabrowski,

if you could.

Some of us are struggling.

So now it's time for our first guest.

I'm going to bring in a highly notable woman.

Yes, a woman.

She is both my lover, my business partner, and

my main disciplinarian,

Natalie Jean of Someplace Underneath, an LPN LPN romanticy.

Hey, how you doing?

I see you sitting there hot, sweaty, your belly button just filling up with your own perspiration.

You gotta take care of yourself.

Turn on the AC.

You're trying to save that money.

I know what you're doing.

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There's other places you can find this money.

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You hate it, and you're cutting out air conditioning.

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And I will not be destroyed by these children that keep purchasing my businesses.

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What doesn't belong in my epic summer plans?

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Oh my gosh, it burns me all the time.

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What should be holding me back?

Probably.

I would say you got problems with, you know, you have acid reflux.

Yeah.

You got some problems consuming dairy.

I can barely swim.

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I hate loud noises.

You're afraid of being outside.

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Now I'm here with Natalie Jean.

Now, I want you to first explain why you're crying.

Because you came in here, you look like you've been crying.

And I didn't make you cry.

That's stupid.

Stupid TikTok.

This is not nonsense.

There's no reason I should be laughing this hard.

Go and look at it.

This is a TikTok Natalie was laughing at before.

I get jealous.

I get jealous when she laughs at people.

So they're in a pool and they're just walking around a giant cake.

The guy in the jetpack is a cake.

It's a jetpack man just spraying everything with water.

It is very ostentatious.

And it is very stupid.

It's very, very stupid.

This guy was the guy in the background just on the jetpack.

I mean, he was a part.

I believe he was paid to be a part of this.

He was.

Yeah, yeah.

They're just spraying water over all of it.

I think the guy in the jetpack is the one singing.

Why are they in the water with their...

Why is their cake in the water?

I think that this is very, is this Dubai?

There's a dolphin or a penguin.

There's a penguin barfing water.

Is this what you want to do?

Is this how you want to renew our vows?

Where is that located?

Oh, baby, we can't afford that wedding.

That is definitely

some sort of like Middle Eastern royalty or something.

Hey, that's where we got to go.

That's why we never should have said no to that Saudi Arabian Comedy Festival money.

We should have just went.

But don't worry, Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee got it covered.

They're going to go perform directly for the Sultan of Saudi Arabia.

They did 9-11.

Is that true?

Hell yeah.

They did 9-11.

Have fun.

Whole comedy festival.

We going?

I just want to be asked.

I know, same.

I just want to be able to say no.

And then I go, I don't want to go anywhere where I would be invited.

I can't even believe that you would ask me.

Yeah, it's what I want.

I just wanted the opportunity to be above it.

Yeah, so I can feel self-righteous.

Always.

That's all I'm looking for.

That's all I want.

So, Natalie, welcome.

You run a show called Someplace Underneath.

You also run a show called LPN Romantic.

Yeah.

How does it feel?

Being here

with you.

The single day all day.

The hot center of the talent pool here at Last Podcast Network.

Well, I do think that there's hot talent at Last Podcast Network.

Physically warm.

But I physically really don't have a lot of choice.

That's what I like to hear.

You know, it's like

I feel like this network, especially after COVID, became the way sometimes a family has to all work at the same restaurant.

Yeah.

There was no, it was sort of like, you want to keep?

You want to keep?

You want to make the soup?

You.

You have to go search.

You have to go ask customers what they want and write it down.

Then you have to do the accounting.

Grandma, make it a soup.

You're not going to sell the soup, grandma.

Yeah, you're like the dad from Big Fag Greek wedding.

Yes, and I'm the Nona as well.

And the Nona.

You're both.

Yes.

Well, that's why I have you here today.

It's because because I can do whatever I want to you now.

I can do anything I need to.

It sounds a lot more sinister than...

It sounds sinister.

Nothing can be sinister from your husband's mouth.

Oh, that's right.

I'm your husband.

I forgot.

I'm your cherished partner.

Everything is

consensual in marriage.

After that first day.

But

this is the most consensual of all.

It's called Making the Show.

So welcome.

Making art together.

So I have a story for you for side stories that I actually, this is not disgusting at all.

This is actually kind of surprising to me.

I have never heard anything about this.

And I just wondered, I don't know if you've ever heard anything about this.

I'm going to bring this back up to Eddie, too.

Is it going to be gross?

No.

Oh, that's nice.

This is not gross.

I actually just thought that this was quite mysterious and very interesting.

I've now seen two separate articles, but that's it.

There's no YouTube documentaries.

There's no other coverage.

I don't know if you maybe even want, you might even want to look it up on TikTok while we're sitting here because I have no fucking clue so this takes place out of st petersburg florida oh so that's where we got married and that's where our love was born oj simpson's favorite hangout yes and honestly what i wouldn't have given to have gotten a picture with oj simpson our wedding no i told you that would have been an annulment did i tell that story I must have told that story in the air.

I think you did.

I think you did.

Definitely, right?

So that, yeah, we just found out that the very lovely hotel that Natalie and I had booked for our romantic night of our wedding was also OJ's favorite hotel.

And he got he loved the blonde women in it.

The rooftop bar.

He had a type.

He really did.

Yeah, he really did.

Yeah.

It was an alive woman.

And then he turned them different.

Yeah.

So, but that wasn't the only thrill that came out of St.

Petersburg.

The mini lights come out of St.

Petersburg as well.

Now, the reason why I'm bringing this up is that this is so eerily similar to Pennywise that I wonder if anybody, if Stephen King had heard about this previously, or if our audience had ever heard of this before.

Side stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-Gmail.com, if you have, because this is the first time I'm ever hearing about this.

So there is a belief, I guess, since about the 80s

that the,

what they call the sort of like the quarries and the weird drought systems, like all these weird drainage pipe systems that lead from the swamp out into the city are filled with these little creatures called mini lights.

And then if you go out at night in St.

Petersburg, you might see them and they first start out like little sparkles.

But then if you say the incantation,

mini lights, mini lights come out tonight five times in a row,

the little people will emerge and steal the children away.

They don't want a better incantation.

I feel like I'd be holding out for something better than that.

They didn't write it.

As the glittery lights.

Those are the people that's from.

Now, this comes from the Tampa Bay Times.

They just started writing this out.

Is this a historical thing?

Because you said Stephen King might have heard of it.

Well, apparently, according to people interviewed by the Tampa Bay Times, a lot of them were semi-older.

There's a folklore side of it that people were saying they're dealing with the crime inside of St.

Pete, which is true.

You know, St.

Pete's got some, it's got some issues.

Too hot.

And also, every one of our favorite body cam videos almost always comes from Pinellas County.

Oh, so many.

So many.

Unbelievable, really.

So many.

What's your favorite body cam video?

Ever?

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh, God.

Ooh.

I mean, I can't think of one off the top of my head.

It's usually the ones I watch is like, if it's a pedo getting.

tackled.

That's what you like.

You like pedophiles getting tackled.

I like Karens at the airport getting.

I mean, that's fun, too.

Yeah.

Now, remember the white lady with the super tight little, like, she had like a haircut and made her look kind of like Brett Favre.

And she took down the three guys and she was like, I'm a CEO.

I'm a CEO.

Yes, I do vaguely remember that one, actually.

Miss her.

I love the Universal Studios body camera.

Oh, definitely.

Do you ever see the one with the brother and sister?

Oh, yeah, that's the one.

The one where they got slammed up against the minions.

The brother and sister made me feel almost jealous that Jackie and I had never been kicked out of Universal because you're trying hard enough.

You just very rarely see brother and sister team up to do crimes.

Well, what's the holdup?

I don't know because normally brother and sister have crimes done against them.

Against them by whom?

Father and mother.

What?

It's true.

Most of the time, brother and sister are subject to the crimes of father and mother.

You never really see brother and sister.

Brother and brother sometimes kill, but very rarely, brothers.

Brother's famously one.

I don't know what other ones you're talking about.

There's been other brothers that have killed, or other brothers that have killed.

Well, have either, I guess you could say, the Amityville.

the DeFeo house, if you do believe that Ronnie DeFeo had help from his other sister.

I don't even know that theory.

You know that theory that she might have been in on it, that the other sister might have been one of the people helping him, and that's why everything kind of went unnoticed.

And then he turned on her and shot her?

Oh, no, but what's the where's the proof of that?

Just having fun, Natalie.

I just said that.

Just having fun with ideas.

I don't think you understand.

I just said it.

No, Rodney DeFeo said that.

He could say anything.

Of course.

Yeah, he said a lot of stuff.

That's why there's five.

That's why there's 12 movies.

He did great.

Rodney DeFeo had a lot of great ideas.

I don't know if he had the.

Killing his family was one of the best things ever happened to that family.

That's a good pitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, this is my show.

You don't got to worry about me.

I never do.

I never do.

So according to the Mini Lights, this is in Campbell Park.

Like, this reporter spoke to a lot of people.

So most people who knew about the Mini Lights, they said they're from Gen X.

Some versions of the legend dated back to the 1940s.

And that's what this, according to this man, a guy named Denny Smarrow, he said, he first heard about the mini lights when he was 10.

I seen a lot of things coming up as a child, he said.

I seen a small creature and it was like floating and I don't know what it was.

And I never did go back and tell anybody about it.

And then she, Alexis Walker says, absolutely.

She knew exactly what the reporter was talking about because she said that she grew up near Booker Creek and was forbidden to go down there because, quote, the mini people will jump out and they will chase you.

Did her children know the the lesson this is from this woman she said the younger ones don't but my 11 and 13 year old boys do they want to go find them

is the

okay

i think it's great i love it i do wonder is this just probably something to do with some runoff from some chemical plant.

I mean, who knows?

They have to make it into like a whimsical experience instead of telling people it's like there's on, this is apparently on Urban Legends of Florida.

I love it.

Right?

Several people, they talked about the story.

One described a woman who lived in Campbell Park in a nice house because they say that the mini lights used to be the subjects of a local witch that were slowly but surely turned into spirits, like Ursula's poor unfortunate souls.

Right?

So they become weird spirits, right?

They described a woman who lived in Campbell Park, right, and in a nice house, but the city turned land in front of her home into a park, and she was angry.

She was somehow affiliated with the circus and had little

people living with her.

Two men whom she would send out after dusk to ward off trespassers.

In this story, the men would turn into balls of light, right?

Other posts say that the Mini Lights lived under the bridge at Booker Creek in the Roser Park neighborhood.

This does sound like something the Tylenol Corporation would plant as a mythology as to why

there's like

radiation in the water.

This is before it was fully developed.

St.

Petersburg was not developed as developed as we've seen it.

You don't think they got a bunch of runoff from somewhere?

Who knows?

Maybe not at that time, right?

So we have another guy, the Vitale brothers, this group,

Johnny and Paul, they're muralists, they're trying to make a movie about the Mini Lights.

I believe I saw a chunk of that movie.

It's not good.

And they said it's going to be told to start an entire woman movie.

It's not good.

Film, though.

It's not their fault, but it still was under their control.

And there's another version of the story that the woman was a voodoo priestess, and the mini lights were under her controls, and they called her, back in the day, Mini Lightning.

Oh, Mini Lightning.

Yeah, a little sprinkle of

racism in there.

No, I mean, I don't know.

We don't know.

Not you, babe.

No.

Never you.

Both of the people that are talking about this are of African-American descent.

Good, great.

It seems to mostly be within the African-American community.

There was another one, Mini Lights, Mini Lights, and Roser Park.

This is from 2017.

So one article, this article I'm referencing, this came out last week.

But then the last time this was mentioned was like eight years ago that I could find.

And they're all saying this, that this was a deeply embedded story within the African-American population of St.

Pete.

And they've all talked about this idea of these, these bridges, these, this is literally right by where we were.

I don't know if you recognize these areas, this like little drainage pit.

No, is that what those are?

Is it like,

do they fill up like in L.A.

occasionally?

They look like water runoffs.

I'm pretty certain this is, yes, this is.

Because there's like a lot of swamp-ish area.

It's underwater.

Florida's going to go away.

Yeah.

Florida's not, Florida's going to be the first.

It's unbelievable how wet the air is.

It's wet.

It's damp to the touch.

Oh, yeah.

How does air become so thick?

It cools down.

Comes water.

Oh.

That's what clouds are.

Thanks, husband.

I'll tell you a lot of other things later, wife.

Okay.

So someone says you put a Gucancy.

If you say it three times, mini lights, mini lights, come out out tonight,

three times, the minis will come.

And there are grown men, according to this article, that are still scared.

I love a forest witch myth, or I mean, real

you seem to be used to, but I will say, very true.

But this is the type of story that I would consider you to really believe in.

And what you don't seem to.

I want to believe

like that show.

I love it.

I love the idea of it but i'm not necessarily super

uh intrigued by just this idea but this is also very interesting this reporter lived in st.

Pete area up to that point had never heard of it right had never talked about this and then one night was walking his dog with his girlfriend and

it has it not connected to what they were doing because no one knew who they were, a group of teenagers stopped their car as they were walking and said, mini lights, mini lights, come out tonight at them.

Uh-huh.

And they were like, looked at them and they were like, do you know what we're talking about?

And the reporter was like, actually, I do.

And then they drove off.

Wow.

Yeah.

So

they're still trying to scare white people out of there.

I mean, I think that's super fun.

I like that idea.

I will say that that might be the key here, which is trying to keep it from getting as gentrified as it did.

Unfortunately, it didn't even work.

Little white kids on YouTube YouTube are going to eat that up.

Oh, yes.

It looks like this goes back pretty far into the past as an urban legend that parents used to tell their kids so that they would get home before it got dark.

Well, they've been saying that for forever, right?

And then

they also do point out in this article that St.

Petersburg is one of the largest alligator farming cities in America, and that around this time, a lot of people were bringing baby alligators home and releasing them in those waterways.

And if you are in Florida at all at night and you are on the coastline, or if you're by the swamp, it is true.

You do sometimes look out there and you see the little points of light.

Well, that sounds like the alligators thing.

Yes.

So it's very possible that it's gators.

It always becomes gators.

Well, it's because they're yeah, because they're fucking dinosaurs that they live next to.

So yeah, I think that that should always be the culprit because it's a fucking barely evolved killing machine that everybody's just fine with.

Technically a lot scarier than little sprinkly lights that we don't know about.

Unless the aliens.

Because then.

Is that what you think?

yeah

i also saw this other this also came from florida was a video of aliens

oh i forgot to show this to you rob it's aliens

send it to me not this one this is a guy who won't wipe

here's another guy from tampa thanks for not giving me that one

my name be taught i'm out there in front of bush gardens

I didn't wipe.

I didn't bathe.

I don't remember the last time I did any of that.

You did play the no wiping one.

Yeah.

Stanky up in Bush Gardens, man.

Stack a tongue.

That's the other video I sent in.

Stanky up in here, Mick Bush Gardens.

It was my only ask

as your bride.

Don't bring me the butt ones.

Well, Natalie doesn't.

I'm just sending this to you on Instagram, Rob.

Okay.

Just, oh, never mind.

No, this is California.

God, fuck.

The other one was Florida.

The other one was Florida.

I love that guy.

He doesn't wipe.

Yeah, no.

That other guy says he doesn't bath and he doesn't wipe and he drinks nothing but hard lemonade.

And then he's so itchy.

He gets the whole thing is he gets stanked up on places and he tries to stank up places and then he gets thrown out for being too stinky.

So he intends, he wants to be stinky.

That's his bit.

It's a bit.

Well, yeah, according to him, he might be mental illness.

Might be a little bit of a lifestyle choice.

He's stanked up.

Yeah.

Hey, not me.

He's finding his stinky princess.

I'm anti-stink.

I smell good, y'all.

You do smell good.

Yeah.

You ain't smelly.

Yeah, I try

clean.

So I guess in the very end,

you're not really going to edify this, are you?

Do you want me to?

Yes.

Edify it isn't an Ed Larson?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's perfect.

No, saying it's true.

You got to say it's true.

I.

You got to say it's true.

Do.

I don't say it's not true.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Thank you, Natalie Jean, for being here for today's story with you.

Go and listen to someplace underneath.

One of the best shows we have on this network.

It's about LDS crimes right now.

Yeah, almost done.

Almost done.

Episode 41 is where we are finishing this season, which is

very thick.

It's insane.

It's very, very thick.

You've done a lot of work and you've done a lot of great work.

Oh, thanks.

I got a class.

There you go.

Yeah.

Really good.

And then I'll check out LPN Romantic, but I can't talk about all those sex stuff with you with my sister.

No, I would prefer that to not be the way.

I'd talk about it with you all day.

You

give the audience a thrill.

Tell them what it's like to rock it in bed with me.

No.

Well, absolutely not.

That was your opportunity.

It's pretty great.

What I do in there

is pretty great.

I love you.

Goodbye.

Fly from your play.

First of all, Jake Young is here sitting with me from Nerd of Mouth, his own YouTube channels, his Twitch channel.

Did you want to toss out your Twitch channel?

Oh, I do.

I have a VTuber avatar.

Are you familiar, Henry?

I am.

You are familiar.

Do you want one?

We can make it happen.

I've asked for it, but it's difficult.

It's difficult to do.

No, no, it's fine.

It's fine.

Well, I'll slap one together for you.

Anyway, twitch.tv/slash puppetjared on Thursday nights.

We watch weird bad cartoons and have a blast.

But check that out.

Also, nerd of mouth, like you said.

Jake.

Ashley Biden's getting divorced.

Which Biden is Ashley Biden?

She's the, I want to say she was purchased from the Chinese.

No.

She's natural born.

Oh.

One of the Bidens just got divorced.

It's breaking news.

And I need your first report on how does this reflect upon the Biden legacy?

As long as she doesn't just like actively make everything worse forever, she's a net positive.

Hey, did you watch the Hunter Biden?

Yeah, go check it out.

Have you, did you watch that Hunter Biden thing?

I saw clips of it, and honestly, it was refreshing because, like, your mental image of Hunter Biden is just like, you just hear the stories.

You hear about the crack and the prostitutes and the dick pics and the weird music choices.

And then you meet him and he tells all the same stories.

Yeah.

That's the best part.

But coherently, like a person, not like this weird cloud of like, I just, you know, a cigarette hanging out out of the mouth, just like,

like, you just expect this, like, jelly-like fucking fool.

Yeah.

But the fact that he just has like eyeballs and an actual voice was disconcerting.

He's my favorite presidential son ever.

He's my favorite.

No one's ever made me want to try crack more.

Just hearing him talk about crack and how, you know, what it was too?

When he was on crack, he has the single best smile I've seen on a crackhead like his that smile that ten thousand dollar smile he had with that with the fucking full-on crack pipe is like like he looks amazing

how are you doubting that crack isn't fucking amazing i just i did yes i knew it was amazing but when i saw that it it's so good that a presidential son had to go figure out how to cook it in order to get it because it's like a president's son doesn't have to do anything they don't have to do anything that's the point of crack but i'm the point of crack is the point, like the most dizzying pleasure, the most intense joy, like, I don't know, like fucking winning the Olympics and then being handed your newborn son.

Crack's better.

Literally, like your brain is only supposed to feel like it can only produce so much joy.

Crack's better than winning a Nobel Peace Prize.

Crack is better than winning the lottery and having your dad say he's sorry.

Crack's great.

And that's what

realized too about that?

You could dip in and dip out.

Except Hunter Biden did say that was kind of very interesting that I didn't know.

That term, I think he said it's like euphoric bounce back.

There was like a term that he used that he's like, I, in my program, I, he's like, I, I wish I could give you fun cracked stories.

But he said, but if I begin to recount how much I love crack,

I will just start smoking crack again.

I was like, shit, crack's great.

I feel this.

So the same phenomenon you're talking about, I feel about Diet Coke.

Yeah.

So, like, what the fuck am I like?

It'll destroy me.

Coke heavy.

Have you ever dallied back into a, you know what I had the other day?

It's been so long.

This is how sad my fucking life is.

I ate a full sugar saint, Dr.

Pepper, and cream soda combo one, and I thought I was going to fucking come.

I was like, that's crack.

Like, that's amazing.

I have, that's how sad and empty my fucking existing.

No,

that's why you can't do crack because it's like

just the baseline joys are already too much.

Yeah, dude.

We weren't built to handle super joy.

No.

Omega level joy.

Or should we all be on crack?

Would we equalize?

So I always wondered about this, and this is such a stupid stoner thought, and I'm sure anybody with actual knowledge would be like, fuck no, you fucking idiot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like, in a world where coffee was illegal or even caffeine was illegal.

Would I like drink a cup of coffee and feel that deliriously happy for the first time?

And now that it's just like a part of my daily routine and it's available everywhere, oh, yes, you're just built, it's just fine.

So like if they had, if crack was, if I could go to my local StarCrack and get a crackiato,

like, would it be fine?

Would I just be buzzing and like, you know, just feeling my thing.

Portland's got some great crack lattes that you can really try out.

Wait, Crack House?

Nah, you have the crunch room.

That's the hardest part.

Oh, great.

And Rob just found a bunch of Etsy stores that just have shirts, just shirts that says iHeart, Crack Whores, and iHeartCrack.

What a great.

I know what everybody's getting for Christmas this year.

All right.

So I got a story for you.

Oh, the Biden thing was.

No.

That was just, oh my God, I just heard.

I know.

Breaking news.

Love isn't real.

So, this is a story I want to read from the perspective of a,

like, imagine I am a nighttime anchor, and you are my, well, you you know, you're my CNN correspondent.

So I...

Can I get like a smart board?

Can I harient in this?

Yes.

Okay.

I mean, it won't show up.

But this comes from law and crime.

A Texas man is facing criminal charges for allegedly confronting two young girls in an elementary school parking lot wearing a diaper with a pacifier around his neck and nothing else while allegedly shouting, Goo-goo gaga, I need a diaper change.

Now, this young man, if you can see right here, has got a bright idea.

This wonderful up-and-comer is just life ahead of him.

He couldn't be more innocent, if you ask me.

The girls were frightened, and he said

accordingly, after they said, no, please leave us alone.

He followed it up with a, will you change my diaper for me?

Goo-goo gaga, I need a diaper change.

Now, my thing is...

Chair.

Okay.

The chair.

You want to have the chair.

You want to get create the electric chair.

We have to create a world in which we can just like let

children, let girls exist in the world without having to be like, all right, now listen, there might be some diaper guys and you're just going to have to learn.

Like, I don't want to give my future like nieces the fucking diaper guy talk.

To be honest, I think some full-grown men seem to need to be warned about the diaper guy.

I could be warned.

So it says court directors.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

We are at this point in our lives.

We are fully in the diaper guy demographic.

Oh, I was joking over the weekend of how my age, when you're like, so now I'm 41, I'm now fully in the

man category, such as like,

don't touch the man.

Get away from the man.

The man,

get out of the man's way.

Like, that's what mothers say to children.

They're visibly frightened of me just by my presence.

And they go, like, get away from the man.

That's me.

I'm the man.

Honestly, I'm going to say this.

Fuck this guy.

Fuck diaper Diaper Man.

I am a disheveled, schlubby, bald man.

Yes.

I am a middle-aged, schlubby, bald man.

Whenever there is something going on, I have to be like, am I giving off weird vibes?

Am I like being gross?

Am I like, and it's something I have to think about because like these fucking dudes are ruining it for for the for the innocent schlubs.

You know, Jake, just because of side stories, come with me on this.

I'll come with you anytime.

Thank God.

Side stories at LPNT.

Let's just say,

what if we're wrong?

And maybe it's about embracing

another side of yourself.

And that maybe you're afraid to be the goo-googa-ga, big baby, diaper field baby that you want to be.

And that maybe this guy's figured something out because, I mean, obviously, he's been arrested for multiple times for stalking and for following children home from school and for having a waiting public maximum.

This needs to happen in elementary school.

Yeah, I'm just saying

he got caught.

He said one time he was caught, they said it was for lewd and lascivious behavior in front of a school.

And he said he was just checking to see if his diaper was full.

And I think that in many ways, that's understandable, especially when you're a baby man on the go, especially if you have several jobs.

Let's say you're a baby CEO or you're a baby.

A boss baby?

Yeah.

Yes.

Or a

postal worker baby.

A male baby.

Or you're some kind of, oh, look at that young man.

Look at that young man being escorted from

the jail.

Now, you know what?

Why does he look like you just took the word depression and made it into a man?

It's because he is an undia diaper bandit.

And that when he doesn't have his diaper on him and he's going, goo, goo, gaga, I need a diaper change.

He's fairly serious.

You know, I,

because we know, you know, I'm certain because we're all

fucked that we have been around the adult baby diaper lover community for quite a long time.

We know that the adult baby diaper lover community doesn't like these type of people.

And I think partially part of the problem is this not being in character of being a baby.

I think that if you approach somebody in an adult manner and say something along the lines of Google Gaga, I had a full diaper or Google Gaga, baby wants some milk, and you say it in that way,

it's exciting.

Hello there, pardon me.

I know this is weird, but

I need to get to the bus.

It's coming in joining me.

Anyway, Google Gaga, I am a baby.

Could you please change your name?

Oh, absolutely.

Me, your mommy, and me want to make sure a baby dry.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, bro, thank you so much.

I'm sorry.

Mommy.

Thank you.

Thank you, mommy.

I feel like you really did me a solid mommy.

Well, it looks like you did me more of a liquid.

Yes, no.

I wish that because partially it's about, I think it's almost like Kayfabe.

It's about staying in character.

If you're a baby,

then be a baby.

Don't be a man acting like a baby.

Like, in order for me to change you.

So you're saying if he had crawled to the elementary school.

I am not even joking.

And if he was fully,

if he was fully as a baby

We'd all be forced this is the ACLU matter

You know what I mean if he if this is if he's actually a baby in his mind

Then it's an expression of something within

I Feel like and this is I'm gonna be real with you if we allow for just like some people to just be like, I am a baby

I am a baby now.

You're just going to have people check out of just the fucking capitalist hellscape.

Oh, we do have it.

We do have that.

There are adult baby diaper lover, like, completely innocent crews where they go and they just have baby, they go to, they live in a bumpy baby.

You're still

consenting adults being babies.

And confined, allowed.

And obviously,

yes, of course, in an adult consenting place, you can be as baby as you want.

Because they're babies, though.

No, they had to purchase cruise tickets and they had to pay taxes and they had to.

when they weren't a baby

and then one day when they arrive and they don the diaper and are now baby and they're oh you're trying to leave no no i just feel like a dipshit i just feel like history's greatest monster

baby like i guess that's the thing is that if you just are if you're because you know colbert always said wear your cat your character is light as a cap i think if you're a baby and you want other people to treat you as such it's got to be a bit heavier than that.

Honestly,

I get the vision that to gain the benefits of the baby, to be truly freed from the responsibilities, to like fully regress to a place where like even pooping is handled for you.

You are totally and completely innocent and taken care of and you are

surrendering any and all adult faculties to live the baby life.

There should be downsides.

Exactly.

You are locked in.

You have in a crib.

You are, yeah, yeah, you're in a crib.

You have a bedtime.

You're like, oh, fuck, I got to bigress.

You're like, babies can't drive.

Babies can't talk.

Baby, yeah,

I thought you were a baby.

Because if not, I'm done cleaning up your fucking shit.

Yeah.

If you're not a fucking baby, if you're a man, then you act like a goddamn man.

You don't get, okay, okay.

So it's the idea of just opting in and out that you get to freely

speak between the world.

Oh, you get to be some day walker yeah that's what this is you're a man walker they call themselves littles yeah i know the littles thing we've been through this many times before i'm already gonna get the emails because i do understand abdl world is it's fine i do get that it's like again we're trying to say who doesn't get it for like who doesn't get of course we get it it's again it's it's not the baby thing it's not the diaper thing it's the fucking terrorizing elementary school kids what i have said in here before really the issue that we are yeah of course

Jake.

Yes.

So obviously, yes, it's about the chair.

It's about the children.

Just fucking, just grab some loose gauge wire, plug it into a fucking metal folding chair and push them onto it.

I completely agree.

You know, what it is, too, is that, again, if you're an adult baby diaper lover, I don't think that you should be arrested.

I don't think it should be illegal.

I don't think you should even be frowned upon.

But it might be.

Everyone should be smiled at, maybe even cooed.

I think it'd be one of those things you could maybe keep to yourself.

And maybe that maybe it's just, we'll all know by the Krinkle.

You know, like maybe we'll know

how they knew where Biden was in the White House.

By the sounds of the diaper.

They're like, it was like his cat bell.

93% of them are male.

Yeah.

Obviously.

That is.

Obviously.

God, I always wondered about that.

It's like outside of like material concerns, outside of like

power dynamics or money, how many women are going around being like, I would love to clean an adult man's poop in a sexual manner.

That is something I am electing to do from my own proclivities.

Takes an angel.

That's a thing.

That's a special angel.

That is someone doing you a favor.

Oh, no.

Nobody is out there being like, you met, you grew up.

Sidestories at gmail.com.

Yeah, side stories lp-tl at gmail.com, please.

And also, if you find someone that's willing to wipe your dookie and fucking help you clean all your pee-pee off of you and powder you up and stuff, you act like a man for five minutes and you get that woman to marry you.

I feel like I've been all over the place, but I literally co-host a retro nostalgia fucking talk show.

I understand the infinite desire to regress.

Oh, I don't, that's

not the problem.

That's not the issue.

It's really just the

children.

And you know what?

Again, it's the adult presentation.

Goo Googanga.

I need a diaper change.

Is again, try harder.

That's all I ask.

Yeah, yeah.

Lie to me.

Play a character.

Jake, thank you so much for being here.

This was absolutely perfect, and I'm glad that you came.

Jake Young, host of Nerd of Mouth.

Check it out.

Go check it out.

Now!

Yeah, if you could be a little more adamant, if you could just really now

listen to him.

Get your fucking ass, yes.

Over to nerd of mouth, or I'll set fire to your home.

I'll take it.

Google Gaga.

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Hey, Eddie, what?

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What doesn't belong in my epic summer plans?

Getting burned by your old wireless bills.

Oh my gosh, it burns me all the time.

I know, it's like, halala.

Oh, so hot.

Hot.

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Well, what should be holding me back?

Probably,

I would say you've got problems with, you know, you have acid reflux.

Yeah.

You got some problems consuming dairy.

I can barely swim.

You are afraid of loud noises?

I hate loud noises.

You're afraid of being outside.

Crack you.

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And now, for our final guest, I'm sitting with comedian and restaurateur

Grant Gordon.

Hi, the restaurant's on fire.

That's bad.

Yeah, it's bad.

Should not have left.

No,

he was a chef.

There was a rush.

It was just me.

And now we have listener emails.

Listener,

email time.

With Ed Henry and favorite guys.

With goats and gatherers and kill the treats.

Baby bits of television.

It's sad stories.

Listener

God, I love that stinger.

I love that fucking stinger.

We're going to have to eventually replace it, but all these cuz giving other people shots, but god damn, I love that fucking stinger.

That's what the internet was supposed to be.

God damn it.

Really good.

Really good.

How are you doing, buddy?

I'm great.

How are you?

I'm fine.

We'll talk later.

I'm fine.

Honestly, I feel really good.

Good.

I'm just tired.

Yep.

I've been having a lot of crazy extreme nightmares.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Otherwise, doing great.

Is that part for the course?

I guess.

Yeah, I mean, Extreme for You must be really intense.

You know, honestly, I don't have like horrific nightmares.

Okay.

I don't have horrific nightmares.

Okay.

They're always just like...

Pretty standard.

Sure.

Who's angry?

Everybody's angry at me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like, I'm trapped on the very top of a mountain and I can't get off of it.

And I'm literally like, I have a recurring dream where I am the very, very top of the peak of a mountain.

I'm grabbing around the cone of the very, very peak of a mountain and I'm stuck on it and I can't get off.

See, see, I was funny because I would see you as under a mountain of friends carrying the.

No, no, no, that's different.

That was when we were doing murder quests.

All right, here we go.

Let me give you, all right, so I'm going to read a couple of these emails and let's just go through them.

Let's hear them.

Let's hear the voice of the people.

All right.

So

after I mentioned that it seemed like the people attached the gun and cat listener emails.

So I feel like this was, we've done a couple of these emails about bosses carrying guns.

Sure.

And like it sounded, it seemed way more like when we were younger.

Like I saw a lot more, like the Hollywood video, the manager showed me where she kept the gun.

And I was 15 years old.

Sure.

And it was like, I'm not going to kill somebody for

Sweet Home, Alabama.

You know what I mean?

I don't care.

They can have it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sure.

So they didn't rewind.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Yeah.

All right, here we go.

Now, when you work in a blue collar, right, primarily construction in HVAC, you'd be surprised by how much time you have in your hands with waiting on parts, slowly building parts, and spending a full eight hours working on a unit that could have been completed in two.

I used to work with a guy who would smoke an entire blueberry swisher blunt while actively trying to fix the unit outside.

He got me high enough once that I essentially forgot how to put PVC pipe together.

I was dead and fumbling around in the dark.

I was so high.

Around the time, I worked with a man that we will call Billy, whose one love in life was crystal meth.

He would be so excited when we forgot a piece of scrap metal that was needed for air duct, which meant that once he got there, he could rip two to three lines of meth.

If he was really feeling it, he'd light that meth pipe right up and spend a good 45 minutes enjoying.

One quote I remember vividly is him looking to me, you know, you're a real man when you can't stop the tears after ripping a line of meth crystals.

Have you ever done meth?

No, I haven't.

And I didn't know it made you so emotional.

What's the most extreme drug you've ever done?

The toad, Bufo.

Oh, that's, we'll talk about this though.

Yeah.

Eventually, the guy who smoked weed all the time was fired.

But he was a black man, but not Billy.

Full country hick.

Yeah, yeah.

And he can't get fired.

Oh, no, no, no.

He kept his job and got a raise out of it.

Billy was actually the most talented HVAC mechanic I've ever known.

He could have been a contender.

So that's true.

So maybe there's one point on board for meth.

I always asked him how he was so large doing meth that often.

He looked back to me.

He looked at it to me and he to state, you just got to force yourself.

There's nothing else to it.

So he's saying he just would force himself to eat.

That's incredible.

It's huge.

This guy had huge discipline.

That's not what you're associating with addicts.

Well, because I know people already that have eaten their way through their Rose Empic.

Sure.

Oh, really?

A member of my family ate their way through two gastric bands.

Powered their way.

He was eating the bands.

Just literally till it popped and then they ate the band, dude.

Like, I'm talking, I didn't know you could do that.

That's fucking strange.

Nobody knows what that's like, right?

And as I was born in rural Mississippi, both of these people had a fully stocked and well-regarded weapons collection.

There was an entire different guy that I worked with that carried his gun everywhere with it always visible.

He, of course, did not possess a concealed carry permit.

We would stop at lunch and go get a hammer before coming back to work.

I'm 16 years old at this point.

I like how his first complaint was: things take too long here.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Like, boy, we took a lot of time to kill.

What was Bufo?

Are you maybe a part of the problem, buddy?

What was Bufo like?

Now, I know people that have done ayahuasca.

I know people that have done all the angel trumpets.

Angel trumpets, yeah.

But you went and did Bufo, and then I remember you were saying something along the lines of that it made you not want to drink alcohol anymore.

But you still drink.

I did.

I just went back.

Yeah, but I didn't.

I could have stopped.

It gave me an off-ramp for sure.

Not that I have like a problem, but I could have stopped.

Not that he has a problem.

Okay, that's not, that's what people problem say.

Not that he has a problem.

What am I?

Who am I?

Billy?

I am Billy.

I can push through anything.

Yeah, no, it was.

I don't remember much of what happened, except I faced the nexus of existence and non-existence, and I was a little bit afraid to not exist.

That's really cool.

And then I don't remember what happened.

Then I opened my eyes and felt like I was seeing God or I was full of God or something like that.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Was it that?

It was that powerful then.

Yeah.

And would you say that?

I mean, obviously, I mean, sincerity is the worst thing that we could probably say.

Yeah, this is not good for comedy.

But also, but I wonder, like, do you feel like it was real in that way?

I'd say the most tangible thing that I can say to this day that I could take away from it,

I'm good around kids now.

You were worried about it.

Yeah, you were worried about it.

I was worried about kids judging me all the time.

I was like trying to perform.

Well, because the kids are literally the most eviscerating critics of your experience and i and i and i was like trying bringing to a kid my shit of like needing to be approved or something like that i know exactly what you know and i and it i i just say this as a canary in the coal mine of who knows knows what else it erased but for me to be able to see a kid and just see play and jump on board and play with the kids

i'd say that's a that's a tangible difference i mean you should probably know the kids yeah

i i don't know it should be every patch of kids you see i see a group of kids and boy my legs starts to go and i'm going to to blues.

Yeah, yeah, no, yeah.

So what do they, so they extract it from a frog or like they drop.

Do they kill the frog?

No.

No, no, no.

They milk the glands, the poison glands.

Is it like it's tits?

No, it's like it's balls, more like sideballs.

You know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's buffo the name of the substance?

Bufo alvarillis is the name of the species of toad, I believe.

Wow.

Yes.

And And so

the toads are just there?

They're just there.

Look at, there they are, man.

Did you see any of the frogs?

No, but you know, the lady, the, you know, who administered that.

She's a frog milker.

Yeah, she wasn't milking.

No, no, no.

She's like, no, no, no, no.

We have somebody with really small mouth.

Yeah, yeah.

Javier handles that.

No, she was definitely.

It was definitely like an LA experience.

I was in Malibu.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were not in it.

It was very nice.

No, no, the buffos that were there were there for pilot seats.

See, yeah yeah yeah do you need like a shaman or like someone to watch over

absolutely you yes it should be a ceremony it should be taken with uh respect and and as a sort of medicinal medicinal type energy i feel like is it's a must honestly that's i mean and a sacred a sacred space they made she she made me you know she saged you she made you say like a kind of a kind of a prayer got it you know and then you went and then the music and then you know yeah but that's all that all is important i think yeah you know because it puts you in the right well if you read anything about psychedelics it's all about context, set, and setting.

Utterly, and I believe the idea is like nowadays, I actually feel like I've been doing mushrooms too cavalierly.

Absolutely.

But I've also been not doing them to the extent in which I experience a full-on hallucination anymore.

I'm kind of always.

I don't know if I could do that with mushrooms anymore.

They're too,

I don't have the sea legs anymore for them.

Well, rocky for me.

I just feel like we're under a lot of pressure.

Yeah, we are.

And it's not the same anymore, guys.

There we go.

Yeah.

Using the litter.

Great.

Your topic about the Danish mermaid statue brought a smile to my face, bringing forth a war memory of my youth.

We talked about in Copenhagen, they had taken down a statue they believed was pornographic because the mermaid had two nice breasts.

And everyone got really angry about how big and perky and awesome the tits were.

And so they took the unrealistic.

Yes, that's what they said.

Those are real.

They took them all in.

They took it down.

And then I've now had people even saying after the fact that they thought it was just because it was a poorly done statue.

And it's not a great statue.

But it was poorly done in a way.

I mean, those are very very great tits.

Those are very generically great tits, though.

Yes, no, right.

They stay in the movie.

They're a 13-year-old drawing of tits, though.

They stay

in the movie.

That's what we need.

Movies need more of those.

We all want to fuck a mermaid.

What is that?

You know?

You know why?

It's because you don't got to worry about getting it pregnant.

Well, right, because she would lay a bunch of eggs and you'd have to come on.

You'd have to come on the eggs.

Right, yeah, yeah.

So as long as it's actually the one type of lady that is guaranteed to not get pregnant in the way if you come inside

Huh.

That's a fantasy.

Really unpack that fantasy.

You're welcome.

Take that, Carl Young.

Do you have to go at the very sharp fish?

I think so.

I think so.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe it's just me.

I love little lady.

You like you end up saying that a lot.

Yeah, I actually just, oh, God.

God damn it.

I actually do need it.

We need to cut it.

We'll have to kind of go through this.

We'll have to go through this.

All right, here we go.

So

I was bright-eyed.

I was a hopeful 14-year-old in a big family trip to Puerto Penasco, Mexico.

It was my parents and I, a few aunts, uncles, and cousins, haphazardly packed into two church vans, tearing across Mexico towards our destination, a beautiful hotel right on the beach.

We were there for about a few days, several of my male cousins and I alternating between our and the neighboring hotel pool and the beach, trying our best to hit on as much and as many older women on vacation and running around without much adult supervision.

Nice.

Wow, yeah.

Took a turn there.

Okay, sure.

One morning, one of my cousins and I got up earlier than everyone else and snuck off to the beach to watch the sunrise and to have a nice, unsupervised swim in an empty Mexican beach.

I'm swimming out, having a good time and enjoying the cool water when suddenly there's a girl, looked to be in her early 20s, swimming nearby.

I, naturally, I swam over to say hello.

She's a beautiful blonde with gorgeous green eyes, swimming gracefully in her red bikini top.

I get within earshot and I say, hola, catching her attention and a bashful smile.

We're treading water for a few minutes, without a word between us, when I notice her top slipped off of one of her breasts.

I can say with complete confidence that mermaid statue is a fair representation of what I saw that morning.

Just absolutely

perfect things.

I was the luckiest 14-year-old that morning.

Flabbergasted, trying not to gawk.

I motioned with my hand that her top slip to warn her.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, we got to stop.

Oh, you guys, stop.

She just continues to look at me, not understanding what I'm saying, just staring into my eyes.

Then, breaking the charm, I hear a distant voice calling my name.

Stepping out of.

Larry!

Hey!

Hey!

Larry!

Staring at them ticks!

Get away from that naked woman!

Boy on my back, Larry.

Now I'm shocked at how far I had ended up from the shore.

I wave back to him,

assuring him I'm headed back.

And I turn around to tell the girl we should head back.

But I am greeted by an empty horizon and quiet lapping of the waves.

It was a horizontal horizon, unfortunately.

Yep.

Yes.

I take a moment to look around for her before swimming back in a daze.

When I finally get the shore, I ask my cousin if he saw the girl I was swimming with, and he responds with, no, bro, what are you talking about?

Hey, whoa, whoa.

I spent the rest of the trip trying to convince him of what I saw and watching the sea for any signs of her.

Heartbroken, we left Puerto Punasco a couple of days later, and I've never got to see that mermaid again.

To this day, I tell people I've seen a mermaid who was potentially trying to lure me out into the open sea.

I say, let the man keep his statue.

The world deserves to see what I saw that day.

And that's what I like.

You know what I'll say?

He remembered those tits so thoroughly.

I'll always remember a story.

I mean, because this is a true story, obviously, 100%.

Sure, true.

To this person, right?

Yeah, yeah.

This is a story that I'll

love.

It's near and dear to my heart.

I remember one time I was walking down the street of downtown, I was in New York, and I happened to see what appeared to be a very elderly Asian woman in her face.

Okay.

Elderly Asian woman.

She had the two bags of recycling on the stick.

They care a lot about the planet.

They really care about the planet.

But then I noticed she happened to be wearing a completely see-through shirt.

And she had two, and I am not exaggerating when I say the best tits I've ever seen

on a person

ever.

But her legs were also the spinally old legs of a old woman.

Very old woman.

Interesting.

But she had two perfect

breasts.

And I will never forget them.

Well, of course not.

I will never forget the big reason.

So they were out of Congress.

Out of Congress.

Yeah, the contrast.

I felt like I had seen a gin.

Yeah.

Like, I thought I had seen like a magical thing.

Hunt, see why you're trying to sleep just in the corner of the tits and just find the cruel face on the ground with a cigarette hanging out.

And you're just too like, boing on the bottom.

Wow, yeah, you could have been lured into something.

That could have been a gin or something.

I don't know.

Have you ever seen anything like that?

Just a perfect pair of tits on some sort of mound of ugly type of thing?

No, I wouldn't be there.

Well, not just in general.

Not just in general, but I just mean in terms of like,

you know, you've ever seen a spooky sayer of tits.

Was that really?

Mystery tits.

Mystery tits.

No, I think I've just been to like a bunch of like Burning Man type after festivals.

Oh, sure.

Like, you know, and like hippie stuff.

Have you ever been to Juggalo?

You ever been to the

Jaggaloo?

I haven't gone dark.

I, you know, we stay in the light cosplay version.

But don't boobies get sunburned hard?

Yeah, they're not good tits.

I can't say no.

Yeah.

I just mean in terms of you want to really SPF them up.

Yeah, I would imagine.

Yeah, and there are many guys willing to help.

Too many.

You don't have to.

Most of them.

You know?

They'll just roll up.

Yeah.

Hey, you need help, lotion your tits.

They probably have a shirt wearing like tits suntan lotioner.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I just feel like that there's something to what this boy is saying.

Now a man.

Yeah, there's something to it, as in he was masturbating his room in Puerto Rico and created a very interesting little thing to jerk off to.

I was listening to a thing today that I did not know that people use horrible Chat GPT to write out sexual scenarios for themselves.

And they have ChatGPT sort of like help complete it.

Yeah, yeah, like sex stories.

Like it can write a whole sex fantasy for you.

Yes, but apparently it's not supposed to do like penetrative sex.

Like it's not supposed to write hardcore.

I don't know what ChatGPT you're talking to.

Because mine's a freak.

Do you know do you know do you believe you feel like that maybe someone could see something mysterious and actually have it be true or no?

Do you think that because of the psychedelics that you've experienced, that maybe

there's something to seeing something like this, something truly on the edge of reality?

Yes, but I do think it's more internal, more like you're like, you know, more like coincidences, more like your eyes being in a place that was seeing something

relevant to really unique to your situation.

Sometimes I'll project tits out.

You'll just see tits.

Well, just the idea of, have you ever thought about the idea of being with a very, very old woman and then think about if you're with the very, very old woman, and if you have a picture of when she was young, you could project the young version of her onto the old version?

You can't say I have.

He's talked about this before.

You have?

Yeah.

I mean, so you're taking a poll.

You're trying to see if you're not the only one.

I don't know.

Like, yeah, just.

It's a power you could develop.

Have you ever masturbated to black and white pictures?

Can't say I have.

No, I'm a movable color guy.

Think about it.

Honestly,

nothing, you know?

What do you mean?

Like, just the sensation.

Whoa.

I didn't allow myself a single thought.

That's too short.

Just the physiological act of it.

No, that's scary.

That's too much?

That's frightening.

Did you draw a line there?

Yeah.

That's frightening to me.

That's interesting.

I don't know where that would go.

It went to the same place it always started.

Yeah, I know, but I feel like I would just like, that's scary.

I feel like I time travel.

I wanted to experiment with the, you know, it's like, this is just a physiological thing.

You know, your brain, although although your brain is the highest erogenous zone, I mean, your penis is also an orogenous zone.

So perhaps you could completely detach the brain from the entire endeavor.

And it was a little, I pulled it off once.

Pun intended, I guess.

You know?

Side stores help POTL at gmail.com.

Has anybody else ever done this?

Can't do it.

It's called

Zen jerking, dude.

Whoa, you should write your book.

That's the book.

Zen and the art of masturbation.

That's the art of masturbation.

Yes.

Wow.

Wow.

I came and it was nothing.

That's perfect.

I came and it was nothing and it meant nothing.

It meant absolutely nothing.

Wow, this is really, wow.

We really learned a lot.

Edifying.

Really, really, really, really good episode today.

Yeah.

I don't care what anybody says.

Inside your own head.

Yeah.

Live every day

knowing for a fact that, yeah, you might not have had a plan yesterday, but you certainly got one today, right?

You're going to love the fact that that plan is going to get done no matter what because time's a constant.

And then you can laugh, you can love the fact that the never-ending flow of time means eventually it will all end.

And that's actually a comfort to a lot of people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That to me, it's a screaming comment.

What about reincarnation?

Then you're back again.

Sorry, buddy.

I don't want to be a bug.

And action.

I don't want to be a goddamn bug.

I don't want to be a fucking elephant.

Patreon.com slash last podcast of love.

You want to give us money to watch us do this.

You're going to watch Grant.

You're going to watch Grant.

You're going to fall in love with Grant all over again, no matter what anybody says.

Grant's going to be your favorite comedian soon.

Very soon.

He's in commercials.

Right?

Yeah, sure.

And you're in the progressive commercial.

You were in the, were you in State Farm?

No, we can't do both.

You get one or the other on that.

You can't do both.

Of course not.

It's exclusive.

You can't do insurance, but I was the Boost Mobile guy.

It doesn't matter.

Everyone remembers I was the Boost Mobile guy.

Yes.

It was me and then Pitbull.

Wow, yeah.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How's it paying out?

Not great.

I mean, they tried me, and they said, let's let's go back to what works.

You know what?

I would have chosen you because in the end, you might not have been as expensive as Pitbull, but you would have been more filled with spirit.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

I believe that.

Yeah, spiritual worldwide.

Oh, very much so.

That's what Pitbull needs.

That's what he needs.

And go do LP on the left for all our social needs.

And then you go to our new YouTube channels.

We have LPN TV, Someplace Underneath, The Foreign Report, LPN Romantic, who's the B, go and follow them there because that's where God, and by God I mean the advertisers are saying everything is going to.

So join us on YouTube, won't you?

It's inevitable and we can't stop it.

Hail Satan, everybody.

Hail Satan.

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie.

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Done well.

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Get started at Angie.com.

I've never felt like this before.

It's like you just get me.

I feel like my true self with you.

Does that sound crazy?

And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous.

Okay, that's it.

I'm taking you home with me.

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