Side Stories: Resurrect-Ed

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Speaker 1 There's no place to escape to. this is the last

Speaker 1 on the left.

Speaker 1 Side stories?

Speaker 1 That's when the cannibalism started.

Speaker 1 Side stories. Yes.

Speaker 1 Now, I'd like to announce today

Speaker 1 a miracle has happened.

Speaker 1 Yesterday, I went to the tomb,

Speaker 1 and the rock was still in front of the entrance.

Speaker 1 But I still smelt the distinct, distinct smell of pork coming from behind the rock. So I knew someone was going in there.
The piggy lives. The piggy lives.
Oink, oink, oink. See!

Speaker 1 See!

Speaker 1 That's right, baby. My biggest joke of the year,

Speaker 1 everyone laughed at it, is proven to be false. Yes, your biggest joke of the year was pretending I'm dead.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately. Thanks.
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
That's where we're at. Man, it's so, you know, it's interesting.
You, you, you know, I didn't get a chance to listen to the show, not a fan.

Speaker 1 But the, um, I was.

Speaker 1 But it's interesting, just, you know, existing and then people just like

Speaker 1 DMing me, R.I.P. Yeah.
You know what I'm like?

Speaker 1 I love it, dude. It's a good, honestly, it's nice for you to see the outreach before you die.
Yeah. Because Because nobody, you will never know.
You'll never know how many people love you.

Speaker 1 People mildly cared that I died. They actually sort of were concerned.
Yeah. I mean, they don't believe me.
Obviously, they shouldn't. No, why should they believe you? But also, it was fun.

Speaker 1 I got to feel, it was nice to miss you.

Speaker 1 You ever do that with Julie? What? Pretend she's dead? No.

Speaker 1 Like, when you go away from each other, and it's as nice, because it's nice to miss. Yes.
You and I are joined at the penis.

Speaker 1 It is, um, it is a much, it is a bit much in the amount of time we spend together. We spend so much time to the point where I forget you're there.
Yeah, no, it is one of those things.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're just there. I just go like, Ed, like, in my home.
Yeah. At night, I go, Ed,

Speaker 1 and you're not in my home. No, thank God.
No, God, because if you were, there's something going on. It is interesting, though.

Speaker 1 I will say, like, ever since, like, we've started spending this much time together, we have been spending less time at each other's homes. Oh, I don't see you.
Yeah, yeah, we never hang out anymore.

Speaker 1 No, we work. No, we hang on the road.
On the road, it's a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll get back to it. We'll get back to it.
This whole thing will end at some point. Welcome to Side Stories.

Speaker 1 My name is Henry Zabrowski. I'm sitting here with Ed Larson.
I am alive. He is alive, and it is good.
Resurrected. Yeah.
Put the erect and resurrected. Edsurrected.

Speaker 1 You like that? No.

Speaker 1 Resurrect.

Speaker 1 Resurrected. Put it all stacked on.

Speaker 1 The title of the episode.

Speaker 1 It's already done. It's called Writing on the Fly, Punching Each Others Up.

Speaker 1 Now, we got a couple of. I don't have any updates.
I'll catch you up. No updates? No.
I heard the guy was back in the road. Well, we talked a little bit about the silent man from the UK.

Speaker 1 I fucking love this guy. He's back.
I got a lot of messages after talking about his resurgence and his reclaiming the title of the most silent, fattest man in England.

Speaker 1 And a lot of people said they think David Hampson might be trying to rig the system. What?

Speaker 1 And I was like, what? Because everyone's like, no, he's just doing it to get three hots in a cot. Yeah.
Right. He's just trying to eat.
That's also not that great. No.
Well, this is the thing.

Speaker 1 Think about what they serve the free citizens. of the UK.
I know. Can you imagine what they serve in the UK jail? I don't think so.
When they get your tribbons, you want a pile of tribbens.

Speaker 1 I'm sure that's real blood in the pudding. Yeah, you want some wine.
I've got a bucket of wine. I've got a bucket of cry.

Speaker 1 Like, that's all David Hampson is. I mean, maybe he wants the chip beef from the UK prison system.
Maybe he's got a taste for it. What do you think? 45 pounds on that head? Oh, buddy.
At least, right?

Speaker 1 His lips alone are like seven pounds.

Speaker 1 And he's got the fattest eyelids I've seen on someone that's not a professional fighter. He looks like Butterball, by the way.
That's not Chatterbox, Butterball. Yeah, I know, I know.

Speaker 1 Butterball's a senior. Cenobot does look like Butterbeans.
He does look like who's Butterball? The turkey? From the Cenobite from Hellraiser. He's the fat Cenobite.
Oh, he does. He'd be great at that.

Speaker 1 That guy doesn't talk either. At all.
That's amazing. He should do this.
I'm calling. I'm calling Hollywood.
Call Hollywood.

Speaker 1 Hello, Hollywood. Are there Jews in?

Speaker 1 Let me ask when I got a silent fat guy for you. I got Butterball on the phone.

Speaker 1 You got the pot.

Speaker 1 You're the fattest Most Islam thing I've heard on the phone all day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's amazing.

Speaker 1 But yeah, we talked about him.

Speaker 1 I think the other big update we made was, what was the other big one from all of us? We talked about the mini lights. Well, we talked without technically

Speaker 1 gators, yeah. Have you heard about the really quickly in St.
Pete, Florida, there is a cryptid known as the Mini Lights? Have you heard about this at all?

Speaker 1 No, but I know that Gators' lights, eyeballs light up when you shine a light on it. We pretty much assume that it's alligators.
At this point, I talked about it with Natalie last week.

Speaker 1 Is it like two little red lights all over the water? It's little white lights.

Speaker 1 And they say, well, largely it is the homeless slash more like essentially on the lower, on the economic side people of St. Petersburg, Florida.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That they say that they would hear these mini lights, mini lights, don't come out tonight. They would do this thing where they would say this rhyme to each other.

Speaker 1 And then apparently you could say it at...

Speaker 1 You could call the mini lights to you and they would warn them to not let the kids out near where all the drainage like little areas were. But it was more of a way to scare people.
Sounds like Gators.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was trying to get children away from the alligators. Did they make the gator noise? You know how to call it.
Oh, no, no, no. It's

Speaker 1 if you want to call gators late at night. Oh, that's what Sasha Gray was doing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't know. I didn't know she was making gator noises.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a big gator fan.
Big gator. Apparently.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 She'd take three gators at once.

Speaker 1 Miss Sasha Gray, where you at? Dude, when was the last time you've seen an alligator's erect penis?

Speaker 1 It's a Rob, please pull it up. What time is it? Yeah, please.
Please. I think the last are old.
Alligator. I think it's been at least a fortnight.
Yeah, we're going to need an image search.

Speaker 1 Look at that puppy, dude. Look at that fucking thing.
I hate that man. Woo!

Speaker 1 You know what it is? I don't like a penis that when it's out, it's covered in blood. Yeah, no, it is one of them.
It is one of them. It's not supposed to be out.
It's supposed to be in.

Speaker 1 And those fuckers, they fucking reel, dude. I'm mad.
Yeah, get mad. I don't want to see this.
Look at them. Look at them balls, dude.
I don't fucking like them on men.

Speaker 1 Dude, can we actually, you know what? I don't think I've ever really seen an alligator vagina. Can we do that real quick? I'm sure, why not?

Speaker 1 At this point, why not? It's a definite, it's an audio X. Very similar.
Wow, that takes it, huh? Yep. I can't believe that.
Hey.

Speaker 1 Looks like a regular Barbara Bush. Those poor ladies.
I've seen that on a couple of first ladies. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right there. That's a coach purse right there.
That's a reptilian envelope. I just downloaded it by accident.
Yeah, great, good. There you go.
Good, great. On the work computer? Awesome.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Set it as the background. That's going to really help.
It's just, he's the only one who uses it. It's true.
Yeah, you just have to stare at yourself every day and be like, am I at work now?

Speaker 1 Oh, not till I see the alligator pussy.

Speaker 1 Also, Grant Gordon last week. On the biggest reveal of the week.
What did he do? He says he doesn't look at porn anymore. He just masturbates by sensation.
Really? Which is sick. Yeah, what is he?

Speaker 1 Bob Ross? I think it's what's holding him back career-wise. Yeah.
I said this to him on the show. Yeah, yeah.
But this is actually, I got some emails on this.

Speaker 1 I've heard, I talked to one guy about porn, and he was like, he was like, what's your Google search? I was like... Boobs? Like, I don't know.
Like, what are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'll have a specific, you know, there's an idea that I'm looking for. There's a thing I want to complete.
There's a story I want to see. He searches love.

Speaker 1 That's fucking good. I was like mad.
That's the the sound. I was like really mad.

Speaker 1 Love is the one thing I have. Can you imagine? I got nothing else.
Going on Pornhub. Honestly, do it right now while we're looking this up.

Speaker 1 Look up love on Pornhub and see if there's just one beautiful story on there. I just don't want to like, I don't, when I'm watching porn, I don't want them to like make eye contact.

Speaker 1 No, I like a night. I like it to be...

Speaker 1 I like to be nice. Yeah, no, of course.
I don't want them like choking each other or anything, but like... No, this is just pornography.
Romantic date with sex. Yeah, get that off of there.

Speaker 1 That's fucking fucking gay. That's stupid.
I think it's usually when you write the word love, it's a code for the people who are more attractive. That is like more homosexual than gay porn.

Speaker 1 Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
All right. But this, I got a very interesting email from someone, from an asexual person.
Okay.

Speaker 1 They talk about how asexuality, it happens in about one to two percent of the population. Yeah.
And this person.

Speaker 1 Still got to jerk off, I imagine. Well, this person actually said this, that it was interesting.
It's actually the same percentage as redheads and people born with serial killer tendencies, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, thank God. But, you know, it's prevalent.
Hold on, you're telling me there's as many serial killers as redheads? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, buddy. True redheads.
Not like me. No.
You are. Well, I'm more of a strawberry blonde, but if you look downstairs, you see it gets great.

Speaker 1 Brown and gray. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Real brown. Yeah, the only the most upsetting colors.
Oh, yeah. Worst ones.
Yeah, yeah. Senator brown.
Yes, it's a dandruff color. It looks like an old pair were World War II socks color.

Speaker 1 How come cubes don't get dandruff?

Speaker 1 Side stories L-P-O-T-L-A-G-Mail.com. And don't send pics if they do.
No, actually, if you could, that'd be great.

Speaker 1 So we have here, so asexuals say here they lack sexual attraction, but they can have a libido. Okay.

Speaker 1 And I feel like this person was talking about they started having this like feeling, right? So it wasn't until I stopped trying to imagine sexual things that I began to be able to achieve orgasm.

Speaker 1 They said that it kind of felt like

Speaker 1 I'd randomly be turned on and not know what was causing it. This person didn't start masturbating until they were 19 because a friend made fun of me for never touching myself in the shower.

Speaker 1 Like a 13-year-old who just discovered his penis, I flicked the bean to a wide variety of porn. Nothing did the trick.
Oh, it's a female. Yes.

Speaker 1 The first time I took acid, I convinced myself my vagina was going to start talking. I didn't realize I was just horny because I really felt that way.

Speaker 1 So this was there, this is what they realized. It wasn't until I stopped trying to imagine sexual things.
I listened to music and focused on sensation instead.

Speaker 1 Now I can come from all sorts of fantasies, such as turning into a bird or becoming a glowing orb of light that glows brighter and brighter.

Speaker 1 My go-to for the past decade, this is really interesting, is a real weird one. I turn into a man and get fatter and fatter and fatter until I climax.
Is that what you do?

Speaker 1 I would have come

Speaker 1 so many times.

Speaker 1 My My body would be coming to stop me. My body would be coming and be like, okay, that's good.
How many times do we do this till we start losing weight? Say you win.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 But I mean, that's kind of advanced, if you ask me. Deeply advanced.
I think it's expert-level masturbating. Yeah, because like, you know, anyone can jerk off to cocks and boobs, you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, any idiot. Any fucking piece of shit can jerk off to a wet vagina just dripping, you know.
But like, you know, this lady, you know, she's flicking it to being a bird.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's just something else. Super Native American of her.
The gift of flight. I know.
Something to jerk off to. Absolutely.
And the first thing I think of is me. I'm a giant eagle.

Speaker 1 I'm soaring amongst the Rockies. I look down and I see a family

Speaker 1 eating a wonderful, wonderful

Speaker 1 picnic lunch. I'm going to say legally come on a family.

Speaker 1 So there is a name for this, by the way. Okay.
It's called autosexuality. Autosexuality.

Speaker 1 It's like the act of sexual orientation where the person experiences sexual attraction primarily or exclusively towards themselves. No, this is not attracted to themselves.

Speaker 1 They're saying that they experience phantom horniness. Yeah.
And had to figure out how to masturbate without thinking about sex with another connection.

Speaker 1 I mean, hey, hey, we're going to get to the bottom of this. People who jerk off to themselves, those are assholes, right? No, unless they're Madonna.
Madonna said she jerked off to herself.

Speaker 1 I would too if I was Madonna. But old Madonna.
Old Madonna. But she's not new old Madonna, old old Madonna.
Old, old.

Speaker 1 She's still an effervescent woman. Yeah.
She's absolutely chalked to the rim with botulism, but she is still dancing out there. Do you remember when those people shot up the Ariana Grande concert?

Speaker 1 Oh, I did.

Speaker 1 And then, like, two weeks, and then I think it was like two days later, Madonna like did a show in the same town, and she brought out two like McCallic AK-47s and started pointing them at the audience.

Speaker 1 No, I remember. I was like, I like her.
You know, McConnell, she's still got it. She's still got it.
She's just batshit and saying she's having sex with a 26-year-old dancer. But you know what?

Speaker 1 You go on. Yeah, no, why should she not? No, absolutely not.
I'd be doing the same thing.

Speaker 1 I think, like, you know, these ladies need to be taking back the thing that dudes have been holding for all this time, which is, you know, if you're an older person who's got no relationship, go ahead and date a young man.

Speaker 1 Let an older woman discover that young men have nothing to talk about yeah the way that men discover that younger women have nothing to talk about dude i went to this 420 party once it was um a high times party back in new york and susan sarandon came in looking

Speaker 1 yeah and she had like a 20 year old on her arm and he was gorgeous good for him and i was like i was like you know what Fuck yeah, Susan Sarandon. Cash checks.
Get that shit.

Speaker 1 Bring this little pool boy to the weed party. I'm fucking all about this.
No, I I love you, Susan Saranda. It might have been a grandson.
Let's go and cover this first story. I hope it wasn't.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because of the way they were interacting.

Speaker 1 The opinion changes if it was a grandson.

Speaker 1 Yeah, JB Lou Curtis is still looking good too. Yeah, the sheep.
Do you have a young boyfriend? All right, we're just now talking about what makes us horny. Now we're just looking at her.

Speaker 1 Everybody's talking about it. I will say,

Speaker 1 I'm glad we were talking about old bronze getting horny.

Speaker 1 Let's cover this first.

Speaker 1 Let's cover this first story.

Speaker 1 Bye from North Laid.

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Speaker 1 Now, speaking of old bronze, now this story made me laugh quite a bit because I obviously got this many times from all of you because you're all immature. All right.
And I blame you.

Speaker 1 United Flight canceled over woman's biohazard diarrhea. Oh, that happened.
But you know what I like about this is that it happened to a woman. Only just because

Speaker 1 she needs the fucking issues. So is so easy.
No, it's because, like, obviously, when I first saw biohazard diarrhea, I assumed I was going to be looking at a clone of me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's nice because it was actually a cute woman. Megan Renertson.
She had landed from Portugal. So she went on to her connection, a connecting flight, and apparently she was not feeling very good.

Speaker 1 She looks normal.

Speaker 1 She looks utterly normal.

Speaker 1 She seemed to have an undercooked hamburger.

Speaker 1 And then she said she did a thing. Well, everybody's doing TMI.
She looks Midwest. Oh, she's got a Bengals shirt on.
Oh, she's, I mean, she's a chili girl. Oh, well, she likes it.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that's she's living at chili life. Well, you'd think her stomach would be able to handle it, but it didn't.
No, no.

Speaker 1 She said she felt something brewing, and things were all bubbling in and bubbling and popping inside of her. We all know that feeling.

Speaker 1 You know that dreadful sound. That

Speaker 1 oh, yeah. You know, and you're like, oh, no.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 28 seconds. I have flight-ending diarrhea.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And so so, this 30 minutes she said into the flight she made to the bathroom oh so the the plane was in the air yes she said she was in the room for 90 minutes in the bathroom for 90 minutes and she said she had more diarrhea than any human should ever have have in her life she started screaming she's throwing up uncontrollably shitting out of her pussy, crying,

Speaker 1 and she's yelling at the flight attendants, don't let anybody else in here. Don't let him in here.
And the flight attendants said, you're right. So they allowed her to stay inside of it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they had to let she had to hold on to the sides of the bathroom as they landed. That's how much fucking crazy, slippery dookie was sliding out of her mouth.
Okay. And then everybody got deborted,

Speaker 1 except for her. She had to be carried out in a stretcher.
Right. So the plane technically made it.
So it made it. It made it.
They blew this out. They blew this up a bit in the headlines.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Come on.

Speaker 1 This isn't even a story.

Speaker 1 Well, the problem was, is that really was the aftermath, which was that, so she's wheeled out and they are now, she's listening to them to tell the flight, the people there that are waiting for this plane now to leave with them.

Speaker 1 And they say, this plane is no longer in use. We're going to have to wait for another plane.
They said that her dookie lumps made the plane uninhabitable.

Speaker 1 But she's only like 130 pounds. Women can do it too.
But how much shit could possibly be in you that you take down a fucking 737? Side stories LPOTL at gmail.com.

Speaker 1 I want the skinniest woman to email me about the biggest shit she's ever taken. I mean, I've that's what I want.

Speaker 1 This is, I feel like United. Skinny, under

Speaker 1 100 pounds.

Speaker 1 Skinny? That's skinny? 100, 140. 140.
And

Speaker 1 longest, biggest shit you've ever taken. Yeah.
If we could. But that's, you know, that's fine, you know, and all good.

Speaker 1 But I think really the article here should be United couldn't take a woman's worth of shit on their plane and had to get grounded.

Speaker 1 Why is she taking the heat when their fucking toilet can't handle one woman's amount of shit? Sounds like a woman just got herself a dookie lawyer. Yes, this is fucked up.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 United to even like claim.

Speaker 1 Well, again, this is Vice and New York Post. Yeah, see, I, all right, full poo-poo disclosure.
People hate this stuff. I was coming back from Africa, okay? Oh, I think we've even heard this story.

Speaker 1 I've told you this story, but I don't think I've told it on the show. Well, you just got, well, I mean, you don't have to go into the full detail because a long story short.

Speaker 1 I shit 16 times on a 15-hour flight. See, and that's

Speaker 1 normal, though. But to me, like, but you didn't even ground the plane, and I've been in the bathtub.
I mean, we were over the ocean. Yeah.
So there is that.

Speaker 1 There is that. They could have released, too, though.
I guess we're over the ocean. No, I don't think they release like that.

Speaker 1 Apparently, that's a myth. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Apparently, but no, you were, to me, I find that interesting is that I've been in the bathroom after you. And this wasn't a take on Africa.

Speaker 1 I got sick off of the food at the airport. Yes.
I was there for a full week eating like... tripe in Soweto and nothing happened to me.
I had one fucking beef patty at the airport and I was done.

Speaker 1 Well, you, it shows, because it's like, I find that interesting because being in the bathroom after you is not unlike being in the bathroom after I would imagine a Sasquatch.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and what that would be like, especially on my worst day. Oh, I can't even imagine.

Speaker 1 I stopped going back to my seat, but sometimes I just started like going from bathroom to bathroom and just like going, I got to go to this one now. I'm not going to go back to my seat.

Speaker 1 No, you're good. Good.
Good. Yeah.
But this lady, I feel like,

Speaker 1 you know, what's interesting is that sometimes

Speaker 1 like a cute lady can end up being the grossest person you've ever met in your life and you don't know. Oh, yeah, she's like, you can get away with stuff easier.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is the type of lady that's she could be eating a triple bacon at her at the Wendy's and sucking it down with the milkshake, and she just burns it off in a second by doing nine Pilates classes in a row.

Speaker 1 You have no idea what her interior system is like. I will say, putting on a shirt that reps the city of Cincinnati does not make you seem like you have a clean asshole.

Speaker 1 Well, you're just drinking a lot of beer. Yeah, yeah, it's a lot of beer.
It's a chili-based society, it's where I go for my ham salads. No, I know.

Speaker 1 It's a society that

Speaker 1 has ham salads. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They have different names for their sausages there. I know.
They have Mets. That's what they call their sausages.
I want to get that. I want to go back.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm going soon, but you know, it's good. I'll bring you back something.
The geta.

Speaker 1 Yeah, see, it's all poo-poo foods. Well, you know, I just say good luck to her.
I hope United gave her some credit. She's blowing up.
Her TikTok's going crazy. She got 2.2 million likes on.
Oh, great.

Speaker 1 Oh, she got that for her diarrhea story. She's got a hook two of this shit.
Hey, I hope so. I hope she doesn't do a hawkpua Yeah,

Speaker 1 that would be amazing.

Speaker 1 Hock Dua. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I hope so.

Speaker 1 Speaking of Hawk Pua. Shit on that shit.
Put some shit on your shit. You can sit inside your shit.

Speaker 1 This was, I thought, was a really funny story. I like her.
I do like her. I want her on the show.
Can you come on the show?

Speaker 1 What's her name? Invite her to. I'm doing a show in Cincinnati in a couple weeks at the Rhein Geist Brewery.
It's

Speaker 1 a good one. I'd love for her to come.
Yeah, we'll make sure she has a toilet. And I won't blow up her spot.
I'll let her do that in the bathroom. Fuck it!

Speaker 1 Chin-fill pussy! Hell yeah, let's get a couple IPAs in this chick. Oh, yeah.
That lady needs some broccolini.

Speaker 1 All right, here we go. Now, this is over in Perth

Speaker 1 on the other side of the world. Wurraloo Prisoners.
The girth from Perth. Now, they're apparently, so

Speaker 1 Wurraloo Prison Farm allows these guys to kind of come out and do these sort of like,

Speaker 1 I guess, volunteer work programs. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so the prisoners here were a part of the Wurloo Prison Farm Section 95 program. Great.
Minimum security prisoners participate in supervised work programs in the community.

Speaker 1 They said, and they started working, I guess, in this area around an

Speaker 1 animal shelter. Okay.

Speaker 1 And they thought that they thought it was kind of interesting that they were going and they were working in and out and out.

Speaker 1 And then they found after the fact that there was a shed that these guys had been stealing guinea pigs out of the animal shelter. Yeah.
Butchering them, fucking cutting their guts out,

Speaker 1 bringing them back into prison and cooking them. Okay.
And they were all eating the guinea pigs and they're all saying, don't take the guinea pigs from them. They're delicious.

Speaker 1 I mean, I've heard guinea pigs are, of the rodents, the one you'd want to eat. Well, they were first.
I did a little bit of research.

Speaker 1 So obviously the Department of Corrections in Perth, they're all like, oh, I can't believe this. This is absolutely horrible, horrible behavior.
And you're like, you know,

Speaker 1 I understand. I actually actually find it's more of the stealing the animals from the animal shelter.
Yeah, Perth is there, Florida. Yes.
Yes. It is as outback as you can get.

Speaker 1 It's the straight, they call them Perthlings for a reason.

Speaker 1 And so these guys were all like, you know, according to them, they said the prisoner said it was quite tasty.

Speaker 1 And then someone was talking to one of the other police officers involved. He said, eating guinea pigs is a surprise.

Speaker 1 But any of my section 95 prisoners, we don't encourage them eating off-site, give them anything. In this case, there was a deal done, obviously, that will come up in the investigation.

Speaker 1 So, what they're saying is that they were peddling guinea pig meat. It's like, because in prison, everything becomes money.
Yes.

Speaker 1 No, like, yeah, like salt and pepper is like worth so much fucking money. You know, like paper to write on.

Speaker 1 I went to go visit my buddy, and once he pulled out a shampoo bottle full of salt and pepper, and he's like, This is worth like $150 in here. Yes, huge.
I was like, holy fucking shit.

Speaker 1 So, but guinea pig was actually first, it's horrific. Guinea pigs were first raised as edible things.
Okay. They were supposed to be food to eat.
There was mostly eating.

Speaker 1 It's got to be a lot of bones. It's in South America.
It's a lot of bones. And they said that it's very, I guess now it's more in the indigenous populations.
It's a way more like an old school thing.

Speaker 1 I was kind of reading in various Peru subreddits where they talk about how like you'll probably have guinea pig once as a sort of like,

Speaker 1 you know, oh, what a fun novelty. I don't think they need to keep the head on when they cook it.
This is the, I feel like it's the presentation is that makes it the worst.

Speaker 1 If it was just the legs. Oh, if it was carved up into a taco, if it was shredded into a taco, you wouldn't know the brain.
You never eat just frog legs and you don't

Speaker 1 fry an entire frog. Well, it's because all the guts and shit.
See, this is like, yeah, it's smiling at me.

Speaker 1 I'm looking at this thing and it is, like, in America, we are deeply appalled by this because it's a pet and we view it as a pet. But in certain places of the world, they don't view it like a pet.

Speaker 1 And apparently, it doesn't taste all that bad. No, I've heard it tastes good before.

Speaker 1 And that fried guinea pig is the way to eat it, in which they just pop the top, they scoop out its guts, they'll fry it fur and all. I don't really have a problem with people eating guinea pigs.

Speaker 1 Oh, none. I have no problems eating guinea pigs.
I have a bigger problem with people eating real pig. Well, I feel like there's a lot of people.

Speaker 1 There's more, there's more of an argument to stop eating pig pigs. Pig pig than guinea pigs.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
Because guinea pigs are literally just toupees.

Speaker 1 Do you have to beep them?

Speaker 1 But guinea pigs are just fucking toupees that shit. Yeah.
Right? Like, there's nothing to it. My, I guess what you're saying is the same, is that I just think it would be so bony.

Speaker 1 And the idea, I don't like, like, I've had skate, and I don't like skate. What's skate? Skate is essentially like a, it's a ray-like fish.
It's not manta ray, but it's a something like this.

Speaker 1 It looks like this. Oh, okay.
And it's annoying.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's fucking annoying to eat because you got to scrape the meat off of the fucking bat-like tendrils in it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and it's a pain in in the ass. And I feel like guinea pigs is kind of the same way.
Fucking pull the guinea pig. I don't know why it's not stewed.

Speaker 1 I think guinea pig would be much tastier, stewed, braised, like they do raccoon. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what do I know? I don't think that I don't have a problem with people eating guinea pigs. No, no.
And I think that, I think the main problem was the stealing it from the animals.

Speaker 1 They were stealing it. Yes.
Yes. And if they were breeding them to eat them, that's something the prison should be doing anyway.
Well, I also wonder they weren't breeding them to eat them.

Speaker 1 They were pets. They were guinea pig pets because in this part of the world, like in Australia, they don't eat guinea pig.
Yeah. You know, they really only eat guinea pig casually.

Speaker 1 It seems like in South America.

Speaker 1 If you get like someone who's hoarding guinea pigs, what are you going to fucking do with them? You're going to kill them anyway. The guinea pigs.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because like, all right, so like Julie just started volunteering at the shelter because she's a good person. And they're on her first.

Speaker 1 She's the one, she volunteers to do the euthanasia right yeah yeah she's just there to actually to watch them go down cool yeah she's like don't worry about the gas don't worry about that i got my two hands i took them i will look up call them the garots

Speaker 1 but

Speaker 1 that's a rough one dude on her first day

Speaker 1 they found a hoarder who had over 200 hamsters okay So it's like, what the fuck you going to do with all these hamsters?

Speaker 1 What are you really going to do with these hamsters? I don't know. They're going to end up just

Speaker 1 killing them. Hamsters spread plague.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 But, you know, if it was like someone who's hoarding a bunch of guinea pigs instead of just gassing all the fuckers, why not feed the prisoners? Well, besides stories, L-P-O-T-L-A-Gmail.com.

Speaker 1 I'd actually love to know people's opinions. That if we do found, let's say we found 200 hamsters.
I just want to run this by people. You found 200 hamsters, and there's an opportunity.

Speaker 1 Gordon Ramsey arrives. Yeah.

Speaker 1 yeah he's like this absolutely exceptional absolutely wonderful I'm gonna bring this to my restaurant and what he does is that he turns those hamsters the most delicious curried hamster you've ever had yeah and we bring it to the homeless population of the city I mean you bring it to me baby no

Speaker 1 you have enough

Speaker 1 We bring it to the hamster. We bring it to the people who need.
If we get rid of excess hamsters in our shelters and feed them to the homeless, is that bad. Side stories L-P-O T-L and Gmails are.

Speaker 1 I think the hard thing would be just shaving all of them. Well, you don't got to.
You ever see, what do you mean you don't got to? You can just nair them. Nair.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Dip them in chemicals before you cook them? The guinea pigs, they fry them hair and all. Really? Yeah.
It's gross. Oh, and it just like falls off into the oil.
Have you seen a Peruvian guinea pig?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I know. Oh, they're Peruvian guinea pigs.
So tasty. Like

Speaker 1 fucking David Lynch or something. Yeah, they're Fabios.
Yeah, they're very attractive. Yeah, we're going to get a lot of email on this.
People are going to get mad, but it's, you know, it's not.

Speaker 1 I mean, as meat eaters, though, I mean, like, why not eat guinea pigs? Oh, as a meat eater, I have no problems with it. My main issue is just that, because, like,

Speaker 1 I don't think I want to eat hamster.

Speaker 1 The only reason why I'm eating a hamster, it just, again, it doesn't sound appetizing. But, again, Golden Ramsey.
Yeah. He shows up and he makes a wonderful hamster et toufe.

Speaker 1 You know, like, I'll try it. One time I was in Gainesville at a pet store and they had like a thing of bald hamsters.
Like, and they just looked like little scrotums and shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they were just running around. I picked one up.
It felt really weird. It was fucked up.
They looked really scary. Did you eat it like a boba constrictor? No, I ain't nothing.
But

Speaker 1 you could eat. If I was going to eat a hamster, I'd prefer it to be a bald hamster.

Speaker 1 You know, and then like, you know, but also, no, what bothered me about the bald hamsters was one of them was like bleeding, you know, and it would like cut itself on the like the wheel or something.

Speaker 1 And it was just like, man, this is gross. So we need to.
I know. These are just facts.

Speaker 1 Is this a ball ham sack? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You want to eat that? You can eat this, little guy.
It's just like a ball sack. I mean, I'll eat it.
Yeah. Again, if it tastes good, I'll eat it.
I don't care.

Speaker 1 The only thing I have misgivings on is dog, only because I got two. Yeah, I like them too much.
But also, I also feel kind of, this is where Natalie is. Sea mammals.
I don't want to eat sea mammals.

Speaker 1 I'm only not eating dog because Natalie will truly divorce me. If I went to a part of the world, the place where they have like the dog festival and they raise dogs for food.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I probably would try it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because I'm there. Okay.
It's because I'm there and I don't want to be insensitive. Yeah, you don't want to be an asshole.
No.

Speaker 1 What do you think is the tastiest dog?

Speaker 1 I think golden retriever. Yeah.
I think golden retriever.

Speaker 1 Because if it's soul. Yeah, I feel like things that are loved taste better.
Always. Free range, you know, you know, that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 If you treat it with love, you're going to be more delicious to eat. That's why Jeffrey Dahmer couldn't fix, couldn't finish any of those drifter sex workers because in the end, their lack of love.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they weren't in love. They fucked up the meat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, let's go.
I bet Michael J. Fox, even with his condition, is delicious.

Speaker 1 You know, God,

Speaker 1 if only if I could get a chunk of that.

Speaker 1 Well, then that's the story. Well, you remember the conspiracy theory that he got it from eating pigs that ate dead sex workers.
That's right.

Speaker 1 From what's that guy's name? Robert Picton. Yes.
Wow. He's the Picton victim.
I still think that's utterly the truth. Yes.
All right.

Speaker 1 So we have an, I got two stories featuring, and the reason why I like. I think we need at least one story that's not going to make people upset.
These two. These two should be fine.
All right.

Speaker 1 Now, this one is about...

Speaker 1 These are both senior citizen drama. Yeah, people don't care about old people.
None. Yeah.
And so this is senior citizen drama. This is like, it's too much for all these guys.

Speaker 1 I have no idea why they're getting into this much trouble. Well, they got too much time in their hands.
They regress. They turn back into teenagers.
Yes, I guess.

Speaker 1 So this happens in my fucking one of my favorite cities in the country, Boogie Down Detroit. Oh, hell yeah.
Senior citizen shootout. Whoa! Detroit Love Triangle lands four in the hospital.
They

Speaker 1 live. Dude, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 So four men and a woman who live in a Detroit senior citizen apartment complex were all recovering in the hospital after a love triangle that turned into a violent shootout, right?

Speaker 1 The very beginning, right? So the cops came because there was a noise complaint from the building next door. All right.

Speaker 1 All of a sudden, they're called over to the other place saying somebody just got shot. Okay.

Speaker 1 And so they went from like, oh, we thinking that this problem is going to be this big old like party that was happening. I was like, no.
The problem was at the senior citizen center.

Speaker 1 They had to go over there. So

Speaker 1 there was a young man. All right.
He was, he was about 70. He's in his early 70s.

Speaker 1 Okay. So he's the youngest.
He was upset that his love interest, 65-year-old woman who they have identified as Johnny. Cradle robber.
Yep. I know.
Disgusting.

Speaker 1 These age gap relationships disgust you,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 Johnny was dating a new man at the senior center. A man in his 70s in a wheelchair.
And that made the suspected shooter, a man in his early 70s, really angry and jealous. So he showed up.

Speaker 1 They got into a verbal altercation. He pulled out a gun, shot him.
So old people could be in cells too. Dude.
So this guy, he shot the guy, right? The suspect was then grabbed at.

Speaker 1 He then shot two other people. And then Johnny, the lady, took the gun from the original shooter and then shot him.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 And they all lived. And everyone lived? And they're all in the hospital, dude.
Bad ad for the gun maker. Oh, dude.
And this guy. You can't kill old people? A witness said this, right? I love this.

Speaker 1 I love this. It's a BB gun.

Speaker 1 Like, I've been here six years. i know everything that's going on it was a love triangle he said he was gonna kill him and that's what he said he was gonna do

Speaker 1 uh i don't mess around like that right we're senior citizens we're supposed to retire we're supposed to have a good time drink our daiquiris said clark but well you know there's a lot of going on things here and it's i'm surprised it's the first time the cops ever came wow i'm just like what the fuck else is going on in there dude how hot is johnny

Speaker 1 i don't know johnny's got to be very attractive I'm actually going to say Johnny's probably about a medium rare.

Speaker 1 I don't know what Johnny. I don't know how thick the pickings are.
Yeah, well, yeah, it is, you know, Michigan. Well, it's the Detroit area.
You know, it's back. It's back.
It's coming back.

Speaker 1 Oh, very much.

Speaker 1 And there's a part of this that kind of like,

Speaker 1 it's the energy of old heads. And it's good to have.
It's good. They've got that feist in them.
Think about that. You still care enough about a girl.
That kind of makes me sad almost in a way, though.

Speaker 1 That you get so worked up over some other lady that you'd shoot a man. I think you and the other man got to figure out, let's ladies playing us against each other.
We need to be gay. Whoa!

Speaker 1 Because you're fucking early 70s and if you never want.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who cares anymore? You're not a man or a woman once you hit 70.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 You're not. There is stuff in there.
Yeah. You know, like, it doesn't matter.
You could be anybody you're kissing is the same as anybody else. I imagine the butts get looser, too.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I always showed him the idea of her choosing the man. I feel like he was really insulted because his legs work.
And he was mad that the man in the wheelchair took his thunder from him.

Speaker 1 But I don't think he understands that women like a man who listens. Yeah, and you could take care of them.
Yeah, he ain't going nowhere. He's in a wheelchair.

Speaker 1 Well, they're all being taken care of by a staff of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But the guy, the walking guy who flipped out and shot everyone. Yeah.
He must suck. That's the thing.

Speaker 1 How much do you have to suck to get broken up with at the Detroit Senior Center? Also, I know old people love their guns, like, but at the senior center. Why are they allowed to have guns?

Speaker 1 There should be no guns at the senior center.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm, I don't want to, again, you know, we hate liberty here. That's one of our main tenets at the show is that we hate liberty.
So we want to take these Septagenarians' guns away.

Speaker 1 But I think that in this case, it's warranted. Yeah.
I think that you shouldn't have it at a retirement center. You can't have a driver's license anymore.
If you're not in the reserves. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 honestly, I actually think that there is even a place to rearm the elderly in order to fight our new wars. After an eye test.
No, not even. I think a vision test matters.

Speaker 1 Imagine if we can finally roboticize the entire army and go, we're going to go fight Iran, we're going to fight Africa, and we're going to fight China, right? That's all going to happen next, right?

Speaker 1 So I think what we could do is have a mixture of mech warriors, old people,

Speaker 1 lead barriers. There's so many people.
So you have the old. Exactly.
They're in front absorbing the front wave of bullets. Their kids get money from the government.
Yeah. Mech warriors roll in,

Speaker 1 apply liberty.

Speaker 1 I think that with the modern warfare, if this was the Civil War, I think that. There's nothing civil about war.
Oh, you're right. If this was the Revolutionary War.

Speaker 1 There's nothing revolutionary about war, man. Back then there was.
And

Speaker 1 I think if it's back then and like there was like they still did the lying thing trench warfare, this would make sense. Well, yeah, but then we wouldn't need them.
We need an able-bodied young men.

Speaker 1 No, we just need someone to the first line dies.

Speaker 1 Yeah, normally you put, that's where you put like the general son. That's where you put all the people who don't belong.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's the old people. That's what you, but now

Speaker 1 that's where I'd go in the new wars. Yes, yeah, yeah.
I don't think that this is a good tactic to win the wars.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to get rid of some seven-year-olds. I mean, it seems like they're doing it themselves.
No, they aren't fast enough, Eddie.

Speaker 1 They are simply not doing it fast enough. They must kill themselves off faster.
I can't believe that four old people got shot and lived. And lived.
This is crazy. Honestly, great.

Speaker 1 It's a really good sign for the healthcare in this country. I guess so, yeah.
Not really, though. If you could help an elderly person survive a gunshot, not bad.
Let him go.

Speaker 1 So the guy in the wheelchair didn't get shot yeah he did oh he did yeah he was stationary okay so how many people so four people got shot four people lived two random johnny didn't get shot johnny did not get shot fucking johnny's a bad this is what i'm saying johnny's the problem johnny's your fucking only real soldier here i think johnny's whipping all these guys up i'm blaming the woman oh i like johnny yeah I think Johnny's cool.

Speaker 1 No, I'll meet her. Let's get her on the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I want her and Hock Pua girl girl to talk. Hock Pua.

Speaker 1 We get Hock Pua in here. We get her in here.
I say we have a whole called one-hit wonders of reality. We bring them in and then we take them out in the back.
We shoot them in the head, right?

Speaker 1 Because then they'll hit their peak

Speaker 1 once they're here. I agree with this.
Live from your grave.

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Speaker 1 All right, here's another love triangle. Ooh.
This is two old people love triangles in a fucking week. Oh, wow.
So this is, again,

Speaker 1 polycules are for the young. They're too complicated for boomers.
Yeah. Couple live with dead threesome party's body even after, quote, chihuahuas began chewing on him.
Ah, and they love to chew.

Speaker 1 My little babies love to chew.

Speaker 1 One time I passed out drunk at my buddy's house, and uh, this is back in college, and his chihuahua was, I woke up, and he was like literally chewing the rope necklace off of my neck. That's cute.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's cute. And also, the chihuahua's right.
I shouldn't be having a fun

Speaker 1 rope like that. Yeah, but he loved you.
I think he liked eating my sweat, and I'm lucky it wasn't my throat. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So these guys were married. James David Agnew and Suzanne Ruth Agnew.
They were married, and they happen to be living with, I guess, their fuck tripod, James O'Neill62. Okay.
Now, they say.

Speaker 1 Wow, an older third. Dude, it's very.
I have no idea what's going on here. He must have had the money.
Oh, he definitely did because they were arrested for stealing his social security checks.

Speaker 1 There you go. See, the thing is, is that they said that they don't believe.
God, he looks younger than them. It is, this is a rough trio.
They are. But you notice that's a previous mug shot.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's his previous mug. He has a different crime.
Yes. So James O'Neill, who died, they say that they don't think that there's actually anything suspicious about the death itself.
Oh.

Speaker 1 They're just saying when they showed up,

Speaker 1 this starts as a financial crime. Oh, because they were just, they kept collecting his check after he died.

Speaker 1 The body stayed in the house. And nobody was looking for him.
No, so they just started started cashing the checks.

Speaker 1 So James, he had been charged with theft by larceny over 2,000, two, over $2,000, unauthorized use of a financial transaction device over $2,000, and two counts of introducing contraband into a correctional facility.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, that's the other guy. I'm sorry.
Let me take it back. They're both named James.
God damn it. Oh, wow.
Yeah, James Agnew, James David Agnew and James O'Neill.

Speaker 1 You just didn't know the difference. Yeah, so whose crimes are we talking about here? The OG James, James Agnew.
Okay.

Speaker 1 James O'Neill is dead so james agnew was charged with all of these things i thought that that was the previous charges from james o'neil okay uh so they went to go look for him right so they they they investigated that he was missing o'neal's brother to requested a welfare check they hadn't heard from him since 2021 it's a very long time to wait until they managed to hit him up when authorities attempted cashing the welfare checks there we go very much so when authorities attempted to get in contact with o'neil the agnews lakewood home a male who identified himself as James, but didn't say his last name, to all this features in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, features in. James.
Yes. Was told his family was trying to contact him.
The man allegedly said, he knew they were trying to reach him, but he did not wish to have any contact with them.

Speaker 1 But when O'Neill's brother saw photos of the person authorities spoke with, he said it wasn't O'Neill.

Speaker 1 The person in question was later identified as James Agnew, who agents said appeared to be impossible. implying he was the missing man.

Speaker 1 When authorities returned to the scene, they say Agnew first denied o'neal ever lived there yeah never did don't know what his dick looked like he's taking biggest swings i've never seen his come on my wife yeah i've never seen him my wife i've never been on vacation with him my wife we never had a beautiful time in the south of france how do we know that they're and they're not just roommates well i think that we i think we'll get there um After the most if they didn't know where he was, they had they put him in the system as a missing person.

Speaker 1 So this is when they started cashing the checks.

Speaker 1 They ended up finding that they were using James O'Neill's debit card and they were following him they built a whole case against these guys they know that he was in there because the way they described their relationship was a essentially a uh like a polycule all right they were a thruple a thruple and so that he was there i guess just providing dick living rent-free the dream yeah until you die of course and then they've they just left him there until the chihuahuas started making him a snack you know i almost don't care about this Well, that's why, like,

Speaker 1 it's mostly about.

Speaker 1 They killed him. Well, they were lying to the family.
I think one of the big problems here, obviously, is that they lied to James O'Neill's family.

Speaker 1 Whether or not he wanted to see them or not, they were looking for him. Yeah.
And they did not actually have expressed sentiment from James O'Neill that he didn't want to see them.

Speaker 1 Send an email from him. What are they doing? That's the thing is that that happens.
They're bad. I don't think these guys are good at technology.
This is very methyl.

Speaker 1 Very methyl. Yeah, very, very methyl.

Speaker 1 They covered up his body with a deflated air mattress in the home because the chihuahuas began chewing on him.

Speaker 1 Eight chihuahuas in the room. I'm going to say that's a lot of chihuahuas.
That's a lot of chihuahuas. No wonder they're stealing money.
I have two, and we're full. That's full, yeah.
We are.

Speaker 1 I think you could do three.

Speaker 1 Don't.

Speaker 1 I think you can get a third one. Don't you fucking say it.
Aww. Yeah.
No. Nope.
No. Totally could pull a third one.

Speaker 1 No. I will not do it.
Because then I might as well have a child. At that point, I might as well have a child.
Nah. Child's still worse.
I mean, way worse. Yeah.
If a dog dies, you know.

Speaker 1 No, I'll be dead. Nobody cares.
If my child dies,

Speaker 1 if your child dies, you go to prison. Well, yeah, but only if I did it.
Or if they can prove I did it. Or if you're, no,

Speaker 1 if they die of neglect, you go to prison.

Speaker 1 Kids will die of lots of stuff. Yeah.
They die of cancer. They get shot randomly.
They blow themselves up with fucking gasoline. they get molested and dumped in a river.
Kids had a child.

Speaker 1 Kids die in many ways

Speaker 1 that are no fault to anybody's except for the fucking fake God.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is a good story.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so these guys, I guess I was trying to stick up for him, but I guess that is a crime. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Once you start like... Fucking with the family.
If no one was looking for him,

Speaker 1 take his money. I mean, if he's just a drifter, he'd want you to have his money.
Yeah, absolutely. And we've seen many cases.

Speaker 1 If I die early and you can hide my body and collect money off of it, do it while you can. Get it.
Oh, dude. Get that fucking cash.
We've seen this happen multiple times. This is by far.

Speaker 1 Like, this is one of those running themes on side stories where you always have an elderly couple. They will sort of like have a third.

Speaker 1 When the third dies, they kind of like this idea of a, we're just going to kind of act like it didn't happen. Yeah.
And move on. It's It's like, I understand.

Speaker 1 I also understand sometimes they say that we're like, well, he said you can have my social security chicks.

Speaker 1 And it's like, yeah, he might have said a lot of stuff when you guys were fucking smoking crystal two weeks ago.

Speaker 1 And then when he died in his sleep from Crystal Meth, it might have negated the verbal contract that the mech had said in the first place. I don't know if, I think technically, because there is that.

Speaker 1 They did get his, if they were using his debit card, then they must have gotten his PIN number. Yeah, it's pin number.
That's a level of trust. Dude, he's a fucking.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to say, I don't think it was that complicated. I think it's 1-1-1-1.

Speaker 1 Or it's his birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's easy. What's yours?

Speaker 1 I know this trick.

Speaker 1 I know this fucking trick.

Speaker 1 It's 42060 now. Yeah, baby.

Speaker 1 Sucking that dick.

Speaker 1 That's what I think every time I go to the bank.

Speaker 1 Well, that's really, that's what I got. These are the stories I got, Eddie.
No, I mean, yeah, I feel like those are great stories. I appreciate

Speaker 1 you taking the extra time and doing this. Fuck you.
Hey. It's time for listening to some letters.
Let's listen to some letters. Do we have a new riff? I can get one.
Yeah, let me pull one up.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we might as well, except I'm going to miss the old one. I already missed the old one.
But we need to move on to other riffs and we'll bring it back. Yeah, no, that one is winning.

Speaker 1 That one's winning. I don't know if there is a prize, but if there was a prize, there's no prize, it's winning.
No more prizes, no more prizes. Did we ever send out the shirts? I believe we did.

Speaker 1 I didn't send anything. No, Madeline was working on it.
I believe Madeline was working on it.

Speaker 1 If we didn't send your shirts,

Speaker 1 hey ping me. Literally, ping me.

Speaker 1 We are literally working on this. Yeah, yeah, we've been busy lately.
But no, literally, I know Madeline had taken it upon herself to work on it. Okay, good.
All right, so here's a fresh one from

Speaker 1 Evan Turner. Okay.

Speaker 1 Four markers, a penis.

Speaker 1 Costs about $19.

Speaker 1 $19,000? This is not a child wedding. Oh, great.
He did it with his mantitz and his colour. Whoa!

Speaker 1 All right, let's go. How's fun? Yeah, I like that.
That was really good. Who is that? Who that was? Evan? That was Evan Turner.
Evan Turner.

Speaker 1 Good work. Yeah, I like it.
Did he send in an email or just

Speaker 1 the music? Just the music. I had to close my submission.
Did you see any ghosts or anything? No, I got nothing.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Bring more to the table, Evan.

Speaker 1 I need you more from you.

Speaker 1 Here we go. I got rabies.
Oh, thank God. I thought you said, I thought you were going to say the other R-word.
I was like, this isn't the mail. We shouldn't be reading it.
I got rabies.

Speaker 1 I got the rabies.

Speaker 1 It was the summer of 2011 in Southern Oray Gun. The jeans were skinny.
The vibes were emo. I was on a walk with my boyfriend at the time, and we found a bat on the sidewalk.

Speaker 1 The poor little guy couldn't fly and was obviously sick. Don't touch the bat.
That's from Henry Zabrowski. Yeah, and you love bats.
I love bats. I tried to move it into the shade, and it bit me.

Speaker 1 I didn't think much of it. I was 15 and naive, and I thought that raby symptoms were more immediate.
Nope. Nope.
Take a couple months, some

Speaker 1 up to 90 days, I believe. A week later, I started to get sick, and my best friend's mom scared me into going to the doctor.
I went to the ER and I've never seen such genuine fear on the nurses' faces.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because you were dying. You were to be dead.
Your brain was cooking. Besides feeling nauseous and stomach crampy, I felt fine.

Speaker 1 They had to call the state to get the protocol on how to deal with me. All the while, my dad and I watched a televised trial, the Casey Anthony trial.

Speaker 1 She ended up getting acquitted while I was in the ER. Hey.
While she finagled her freedom, I ended up getting so many shots in my bitten finger that it blew up to its four times its normal size.

Speaker 1 I also had to keep going back to get the rabies vaccine, which made me super sick each time. Yeah, it's like once a week or something.
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 My boyfriend dumped me shortly after because he thought I would give him rabies. What an asshole.
It was not a very good substance. Stop how it works.
What a fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 1 What a fucking asshole. What a weak bitch that he would do that to you.
I can't, but you, you really dodged two bullets there. You really did.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Obviously they lived or they would not have been able to email. Yeah, no, yeah.
Usually when you could tell you have rabies, you're already dead. Yeah, so that's insane.
Very scary. Very insane.

Speaker 1 Very scary. Also, Also, want to say thank you to ever sent us this molasses thing.
Says it on the thing there. Oh, yeah.
Cheers from Justin. Cheers from Justin.

Speaker 1 I had no idea why I made this until I heard the episodes. Yes, I am from Boston.
No, I did not include molasses. This is a problem.
This is a problem here, Justin.

Speaker 1 I like the jar, but I'd rather have the molasses. We need some molasses.
So if you can now send us some molasses. Yeah, or if anyone else has molasses to put

Speaker 1 in this jug. Yeah.
That'd be really cool because then we can really take turns swigging out of it. Yeah, it'll be good for our Winnie the Pooh cosplay.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Here's one more.

Speaker 1 Do you know that's bats are the most how you get rabies most often? Sure.

Speaker 1 And they say that usually when a bat bites you, you don't even know that it bit you and sometimes it doesn't even leave a mark because their teeth are so small.

Speaker 1 And that they actually like will crawl into your bed and then like slowly like flop through the sheets and like bite your leg. That's happened many, but well, there's the vampire bat that does that.

Speaker 1 They bite your toes, they look for exposed flesh. Yeah, um, there's also, but they have like blood, they, but they're cute.

Speaker 1 Most of the time, if a bat's flying around you, it's not going to have rabies. It's when it's grounded and very visibly sick.
Yeah. That's when to not fuck with a fucking bat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, get some mittens or, you know, call an animal like handling agency. Yeah.
Like call call an expert. Unirabies is very rare.
Oh, I know. Yeah, this person was extremely unlucky.

Speaker 1 Well, technically, they're very lucky. Yes.
They should have bought a lottery ticket. I guess so.
I don't believe in that, though. Snacks.

Speaker 1 On their most recent last podcast stream, Henry, Marcus, and Carolina reacted to a video of what was thought to be baby's ashes inside of a doll, only to be relieved to learn that the ashes were actually those of a cat.

Speaker 1 Well, unfortunately, this is a subject I am intimately acquainted with. Okay.
From 2010 to 2015, I was an employee at one of the largest Build-A-Bear workshops in the country.

Speaker 1 And that time, I was asked to put all manner of things inside bears, including the ashes of several animals and people.

Speaker 1 I will never really understand why people thought it was appropriate to ask teenagers in a busy mall to handle their dead loved ones' remains, but it happened enough that the company has official policy on how to handle the situation.

Speaker 1 What is it? It just did not say. Either way, rest assured, I can guarantee personally that there's at least one dead baby and a bear out there somewhere.
Oh, because they did that?

Speaker 1 Yes. They're literally like talking about putting the dead child's ashes in a bilde bear.

Speaker 1 It doesn't bother me. You know what it is? I think it's better than an urn.
You can hug a bilde-bear. But then it's going to go poof.
No, it's in a bag.

Speaker 1 As long as you're not too crazy with it.

Speaker 1 You know, if you're just giving it a little hug or something like that. Like, what? Like taking it on a roller coaster? Yeah.
Like taking it out when when I'm going to.

Speaker 1 You're throwing it across the room. Well, yeah.
Sometimes you're mad at life, though. Yeah.
You don't like punish the dog. You don't let the dog get at it.
No.

Speaker 1 But I guess, Eddie, my main issue is how you. Can't imagine that.

Speaker 1 You fucking Build-A-Bear filled with your child's ashes and you leave the house and your dog rips it open and it's everywhere when you get home.

Speaker 1 Imagine that emotional. Yeah, I'd be like, what do you have to do?

Speaker 1 And then I have to cremate the dog and put that in a Build-A-Bear because the only thing that has the ashes of my dead son are inside my dead dog.

Speaker 1 And then your wife's going to tear it up and you growl and and you're like, I got to fucking, the cycle begins again.

Speaker 1 But this is a, I just don't like the corporate middleman part of it. Yeah.
That's what I don't like. You don't like Build-A-Bear getting involved.
You want someone to like... Build-a-bear.

Speaker 1 Shoot it off of Etsy. Eddie couldn't have said it better.
Yeah. That's what I'm thinking.
Locally sourced soft urns. Yeah.
That's like speaking in the glass.

Speaker 1 Like, I would just say, truly, this dishes, this is, we're seeing this here now. Now that this has come up enough we should talk about this with david desmalchin yeah

Speaker 1 a huggable urn a huggable urn huggable urns could be one of the i think this is huge yeah i think that there is a gap here it can be an entire industry just on things that you can that are tactile that you can hug that you can put the loved ones of ashes in yeah that's not a bad thing i think that this is like where is this i don't know yeah now we got to do it i mean at least like I feel like there could be stuffed animals of Yumi and Marcus that people could put their friends and

Speaker 1 because lots of people who listen to the show have died. What I would do is

Speaker 1 generic? I would do generic animals first, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bear.
You test it out. Whale.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Spider. Yeah.
Spider? I'm just trying to get it. No one gets a spider-stuffed animal.
Who has a?

Speaker 1 I got a turtle. I got a whale.

Speaker 1 I got a doodong.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. The fake manatee.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Australian manatee. I got one of them.
I'm lying us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Someone sent me my baby tugs care bear, which was

Speaker 1 that would be a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That care bear for a puffin. Yeah, a puffin' good.

Speaker 1 I think a care bear is the perfect thing to stick your child's ashes in. Because then you can put their

Speaker 1 face on the belly. Yeah, and then you stare.
At it. All day.
Yeah, you care bear, stare. You can take it to the airport.
You can take it. You can't.
Oh, man. You could take it anywhere you take it.

Speaker 1 You know how many people love taking to their garbage?

Speaker 1 They always bring their, like, I find it honestly that's like a deeply repellent thing that I find when people bring their like pajamas and pillows and stuffed animals onto a plane because a plane's so fucking filthy.

Speaker 1 Pillow on an airplane.

Speaker 1 Only like your pillow from home

Speaker 1 on an airplane.

Speaker 1 Neck pillows are gross.

Speaker 1 Just this neck, even I've tried the neck pillow thing, doesn't work for me. Disgusting.
Yeah, but like,

Speaker 1 even like, you know, I want to, if I'm going to use a pillow, I'm going to rip it out of a bag. Yes, and then leave it there.
And then leave it, yeah, never see it again. Throw it in the ocean.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. That's what I say.

Speaker 1 Throw it in the fucking ocean.

Speaker 1 But I think that we're on to something, Eddie. Yeah.
So live every day knowing that all you got to do is transfer your pain into something you can make money on. Thank you.
You can love your day.

Speaker 1 You can love because when you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. And I love jamming the ashes of strangers into little stuffed bears that I'm going to sell for big dime money, right?

Speaker 1 And I am going to. Mediocre money.
No, no, especially. Even for, oh, even for that, I'd love it.
I'm going to laugh my way to the goddamn bank with all my your loved one ashes money. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'm going to take that money and guess what I'm going to do with it?

Speaker 1 Buy people and burn them? Yes.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes. And thank you to everybody who came out to Midsummer Scream to see our big-time announcement.
We are putting putting out a Halloween sound effects album. I can't believe this.

Speaker 1 It is such a crumb thing that we're doing.

Speaker 1 When we interviewed David Dasmalchian a while ago, we brought it up during the show and have fucking full-on made it a reality. I made it or goddamn reality.

Speaker 1 Fright Jansen's revolting repository of ghastly sounds, volume one and two. The pre-order code is going to be coming out very soon.
We are selling. It's an original vinyl.

Speaker 1 There's going to be a limited amount of these vinyls that are going to come out. They're going to be black and orange, and one's going to be slime green.

Speaker 1 But then there will be a digital download that will be available for how many are we making like 500 i think like a thousand okay but maybe cassettes too right but

Speaker 1 down the road down the road all i want is to get these this batch sold and then i will make more but this is a i need at least three but it's us soundcrafters yeah uh that is a local like a real sound mixing studio that made robo cop that worked in all the john carpenter films work on into the spider and into the spider verse sound effects of all time by the way robo cop amazing uh we also are working with Newberry Comics.

Speaker 1 They are the ones that are releasing the record. And because it's not going through Spotify, it's not going through any of the fucking dumb shits.

Speaker 1 It is going directly to the people who made the fucking album and the people that are putting it out. So that is also one of those things that I'm loving about this.

Speaker 1 So you have to buy it to listen to it. From the Newberry Comics website, you will have to purchase it.
And then

Speaker 1 we have a brand new song written by a Halloween dance hit written by Ash Gordon, who has been nominated for a Tony Tony with Isaac Hassan. And me and Marcus Parks wrote this goddamn song.

Speaker 1 So it's pretty fucking sweet. So you got it.
Once we, that pre-order code will be coming out in the next couple of weeks. So as soon as it comes out, we will let you know.

Speaker 1 Subscribe to our newsletter to know for sure. And also go check out our interview with Zach Kreger.
Yeah, that was amazing. An old bunch of people.
Weapons, go to the movie, too.

Speaker 1 Weapons fucking rocks. Go see that shit in the theater.
And we are not getting paid. No, no, see, I paid to see the movie.
Yeah, I didn't even get a screener. I went.

Speaker 1 I literally went on my day off.

Speaker 1 And, well, I mean, that's what you do. You go to the movies on your day off.
Yes.

Speaker 1 But it was work.

Speaker 1 But check it out on YouTube. Watch the video.

Speaker 1 Watch the interview. It's really cool.
Also, Henry and I.

Speaker 1 We're going. If you're in Kansas City, Missouri, we're doing our side story show on September 21st.
There's still some tickets available. Dude, come at the Truman.
It's going to be a fucking blast.

Speaker 1 We're having so much fun in these side story story shows. They really are like a fucking blast, dude.
I'm having, I'm losing my mind with you on stage.

Speaker 1 It's really, it's really, you're incredible up there. We're having so much fun.
Also, we're going to be October 24th. We're going to coming back, our first repeat show as a side story.

Speaker 1 Yes, that's right. To a place, we're coming back to the Matteel Community Center in Redway, California.

Speaker 1 It would be a completely different show than last year, except for the fact that it is us and Billy Wayne Davis. So make sure you go check that out.
And then, of course,

Speaker 1 November 30th, Columbus, Ohio at the Newport Music Hall, Henry and I are fucking doing that shit up. Come see us live on the road.
Do it. Go to patreon.com/slash slash podcast left and watch.

Speaker 1 Just do it. And please take a second.
I want you to subscribe on all of our horseshits out there. Yes.
We have so many things cooking. And they're cooking and they're cooking LPN RPG.
HQX2.

Speaker 1 We filmed an episode of that last night. It's great.
Go to LPN TV on YouTube and subscribe. Go to someplace underneath and subscribe.
LPN Romantic, the foreign report. It's free.

Speaker 1 Just click on that thing. We are providing content for free.
Yes. For all of you dirty fucks.
Yeah, you don't have to pay us. No.
I'll take it, which is crazy.

Speaker 1 You know, the amount of shit we do for free. We're doing a lot, but it's also, it's because, honestly, we love our goddamn audience and we want to entertain you.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Never starve for attention. Okay, I need it.
I desperately need it. And that's, I feel like at this point, that's an innocent want.
Yeah. All I want is your laughter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And your money.

Speaker 1 When you can give it to me. Yeah.
And your barbecue. Oh, yeah.
And anyone who could prove that they gave a gun to an old person gets in half-press. Yes.
You absolutely.

Speaker 1 Show me a picture of the gun. Show me a picture of the gun.
Show me a picture of the old person. If you could take a picture with them being like, I just gave grandma.
She's grandma's packing.

Speaker 1 That'd be great. All right.
Hail Satan every day.

Speaker 1 Hail you, buddy.

Speaker 1 Hail you. You're the best.
Thanks for killing me last week. Fuck at it.

Speaker 1 Now Neighbor.

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