Relaxed Fit: The 4th Annual* Last Podcast On the Left March Madness of Murder

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There's no place to escape to. This is the last hot ass.
On the left. Right from your blade.
That's when the cannibalism started. What was that? Yeah! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready? Are you prepared for the madness and mayhem? Welcome to Last Podcast on the Left, and we are here at the Depends Adult Diapers for Men Center outside of downtown Croatia.
And it is a beautiful day for a fight, isn't it, Marcus? That's right. This is the fourth annual last podcast on the left.
March Madness of Murder and Mayhem. This year, we've got a damn good surprise for everybody.
This year, it's going to be an old wildcard edition. That's right, man.
We got the bras swerves popping. We got the popcorn popping.
And we got the crack in the light bulb. That's right.
We are having a time here in Croatia. I hope everybody's enjoying their hot dog made from real dog.
It is one of the essential delights here in downtown Croatia. And do you think that we got a stern wind coming out of the northeast,

about 45 miles per hour? Do you think that will affect the gameplay today, folks?

That's one

contestant off the rankings.

Goodbye, Mitch McConnell.

Unfortunately, we forgot that

in Croatia, the wind blows with

powdered glass.

It's actually a perfect environment, and I feel these contestants, some of these people have never been in a physical fight. Absolutely not.
Some of them have been in so many fights, you would consider them to be the most dangerous person around. But that's why we bring them in here today.
Isn't that correct? We are doing it in an all dirt field. That's right.
And here on the wild card Edition, I know in previous years on the March Madness of Mayhem

and Murder, we've done half

fictional and half real.

But this year, we only got a couple of fictional

people in there because this is a

Wild Card Edition. I'm very, very

excited to see how this shakes out. And I

am filled to the brim.

Thank you, Japan. I have blood

in my diaper.

Oh, you might want to get that checked out

on it. Nah.

I like your cavalier attitude.

Welcome to the show. Thank you, Japan.
I have blood in my diaper. Oh, you might want to get that checked out on it.

Nah.

I like your cavalier attitude.

Welcome to the last podcast on the left, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Marcus Parks.

Hey, I'm your commentator, Andrew Zubowski, and I'll tell you, my wife's going to divorce me because I'm too good of a husband.

And, of course, Ed Larson.

How you doing, folks?

I'm just here to have the ham and make sure the whale stays in. I actually did forget I was going to bring prosciutto today.
I forgot it. Well, tomorrow is another day.
Yeah. Let me ask you.
Am I bleeding right now? No. Okay, good.
Because it tastes like blood. Yeah, hey, that's just your mouth.
Yeah. I got a cold sore, and then when I was doing my announcer voice, it ripped open.
Wow. Wow.
It's a cold sore, but it looks hot. Yeah.
Wow. Sexy.
Oh, yeah. Apply your sports bandage.
Very good. Yes.
Rob has handed me our sports bandages, a.k.a. paper towels.
The quicker, thicker, thicker upper. That way I won't be self-conscious about bleeding from my mouth.
We're going to say thank you to our big sponsors over at Brawny. They could absorb.
You know that just one square of Brawny can absorb up to four ounces of infant blood. And that's why Brawny is the number one paper towel of abortionists everywhere.
That's right. No tampon, no problem.
Jam yourself up full of brawny. Thanks, you big lumberjack.
And I also wouldn't mind getting a sponsorship from Aurigel because I am quite open about cold sore use and cold sore, you know, suffering. Maintenance.
Yeah, maintenance. So yeah, just Aurigel, if you need a sponsor, if you need a pretty face, hit me up.
But it ain't too pretty because it's got a cold sore on it. Hey, what's the point of having it if you don't? He earned it, though.
Yeah, I did earn it. Yeah, I did earn it.
You'll take a paste or a gel. Please.
But yes, here on the March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, this is our fourth one. And what we're going to be doing today is we're going to be picking 16 fighters out of our cup of champions.
Oh, here we go. So let's start.
Let's get our first round going. Let's get our first round.
And, of course, we've got the Eastern Conference and the Western Conference. That's right.
Yes, yes. And that's the Far East and the Far West.
Far East, far, far west. Yes.
All right. So let's start with the Eastern Conference.
We're going to go through all the Eastern Conference first round first, and then we're going to go through the Western Conference first round after that. Nothing makes me happier, Marcus.
Let's get into the mayhem. So our first contestant today is five Mars attacks aliens.
Wow, there we go. You know, they are from another planet, and they are hostile because they don't understand birds.
Do not run. We are here to protect you.
And if you remember anything from the third annual March Madness that we did, we don't know anything about birds either. I do.
I said 10,000. You said 400.
We are not going to re-litigate the bird matter. This is why we chose a new way of doing the contest.
Yeah, the bird matter is closed. We can't revisit the bird matter.
It has been decided. Ever since this, what's happened? The price of eggs through the roof.
It is, again, that's eggs, not birds. They came first, eggs.
Birds have eggs. Eggs came first.
And who's fighting five Mars Attacks aliens?

Let's see here.

It is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Oh, the bruiser from, I believe it is, Missouri.

This big, thick old bitch is ready for a fight.

All right.

So how is this fight?

So we're doing this in a dirt field.

Oh, I think all these illegal aliens coming down trying to fight. You have to take a good spot from an American warrior.
And I will not allow it. I will face them in the square circle.
They literally have Jewish space lasers. Yeah, that is the problem.
They are manufactured by some of the finest Jewish laser companies in all of the world. Like, if anybody's seen Obliteristine, one of the best destruction laser companies out there.
Thank you for your sponsorship. So, I'm thinking that, okay, so with the Mars Attacks aliens, do they have space lasers or are they hand to hand here? I think that they have laser guns.
There's no way these aliens fight fair, first of all. No, we know that.
But Marjorie Taylor Greene is shielded by the Constitution. And what you guys don't understand is that the Constitution can absorb, I believe, up to the watts of a neutron bomb.
I'm trying to think what the Constitution can save three blasts. I mean, forget that.
I mean, just that. Also, her thick skin.
Oh, no. She's got she, if you did a roll on her, I did a roll for her Constitution.
It's 18. She has the skin like a rhino.
Yeah. She is.
It's as thick. It can take most shrapnel and it can take quite a bit.
But, you know, direct. You can kill her with a bazooka.
I'm pretty sure her mother was an armadillo. Yes.
Yes. But I do think that the Mars attacks aliens.
They're clever. That's the thing about it is that they're very clever.
And Marjorie Taylor Greene is not very bright. No, no.
But what she lacks for in mental strength, she makes up for in strength of body and frame. She's a tank.
Yeah, she is my full-on bruiser. She's my number one woman out there ready to fuck shit up within a three-feet circle of her arms.
That is true, but the Mars Attacks aliens do have the range, though. They do, and they also...
Let me take my heels off! And remember, there's five

of them. Yeah, they'll surround her.

Alright, here we go. See if they can handle

me. What I'll do is I gotta rip

my dress off, tie it around my head,

keep my hair out of my eyes. All I got is

my studded bra

and my filled panties.

And I'm ready to take these aliens down

one knuckle sandwich at a time. You come for me, you little Martians.
You can't handle the truth. Now, do you think, first of all, are they fighting now or are we going through the entire, is this fight currently happening? This fight's currently happening.
Okay. I just wanted to make sure I knew what was happening.
I don't think she stands a chance against five Mars attacks aliens. I don't think so either.
But I do think in the fight, if you get three a hold, right? Because, all right, let's put it this way. Set it up.
Attacks, aliens land, right? We're going to have the setup of the fight. Marjorie Taylor Greene, she rolls out of like...
I usually like the Eon Gladiator when the big gates rise up and she's coming out, she's been fighting other smaller men warming up for fucking an hour.

Right.

Right.

You sit there like, Oh yeah, Mr. Buttigieg, I'm going to take you down.

She's down there working on Pete Buttigieg, getting herself warmed up.

She comes out, right.

Sees the aliens.

First, I think she's going to do a sexual affront.

Yeah.

And do a, you don't know if you could handle this much American woman. Right? And I wonder whether or not they would respond well.
Yeah, yeah, you see this? Oh, yeah. You're the hottest baby I've ever seen.
I want to slip your entire body inside of me. But the Mars Attacks aliens, as we know, are not swayed by female or human sexuality

in any way whatsoever. But I think she

can get close to one or two of them.

How? With her

hands and feet. Well, she's gotta

have a gun on her. Yeah,

she has one in her pussy.

She has a Dillinger in her pussy.

But I believe

that traditional firearms were

not that effective against the Mars Attacks aliens. No, as we know, it's only that one song.
It's just that one song. Yeah.
And I don't think Marjorie Taylor Greene listens to music that good. Does not watch Tim Burton films.
Plus, she's going to spend half of the time telling the Mars Attacks aliens that they never attacked Earth and killed anybody in the first place. Yes, exactly.
She's on their side, and she kind of wishes she could join them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But in the end, they don't have any team. So I think, unfortunately, they do rise above her and floating.
I still think she could take out one. Oh, of course she's taking out one.
Yeah. Yeah, she's definitely.
She's got one. Yeah, she's going to take out one.
She's going to bite its neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they're going to sacrifice one in order to sneak up behind her and take her down. And then she's definitely zapped into a skeleton.
Yeah, she's definitely zapped.

I actually see it more like the sort of situation where they have to, like, surround a massive

elephant and, like, five people have to, like, shoot.

And it has to be like, ah!

And she's just like, ah!

You can't defeat me!

You can't defeat the green!

And then her hair doesn't disintegrate.

It just sits on top of the skeleton. That is all that is left is her tits and hair.
All right, so round one. The Mars attacks.
Aliens take it. All right.
What a satisfying conflict. All right, so round two.
We have Joseph Fritzl with his grandfather's Luger. Very good.
So, yeah. Very important.
So, he does have... Yeah, I'm ready to fight.
It's one of my favorite days. They let me out of the prison.
And it's just nice to do it. And I have so many different ideas for home renovations.
Number one father in the room. So, what age of Joseph Fritzl are we hitting here? Now.
Oh, now. No, 85-year-old Josef Fritzl.
Yeah. But he's got his grandfather's luger.
And he's out of prison. And he's out of prison.
Okay. And he's going to be going up against...
Mooting the hippo strapped to a Boston Dynamics song. Oh, my God.
Well, I mean, if he's able to lure them in a basement and shut that door, who knows what's going to happen? So I kind of want to talk about this choice. So Mudang is obviously...
This is Henry's choice. Obviously, this is Henry's choice.
Now, Mudang is the spiritual center of this team. Yeah.
Yeah. The miniature hippo.
A lot of the fight, and he's going... Right? Because everyone's joking about Mudang being wet and grumpy, which is why he's an antagonist, right? Yeah.
But then he's strapped to a giant Boston Dynamic Dog. Now, I do think that...
I think that the Boston Dynamic Dog slows Mudang down. No, absolutely not.
Mudang is small enough to be cradled inside of it. Mudang is a two-year-old hippopotamus at this point.
Yes. That is the gigantic...
Look at the size of Mudang. This is when it was a child.
This is now. This is Mudang always.
No, it's not. Mudang is a full-grown hippopotamus.
But no, it's not yet. Right now, I'm using baby Mudang.
But you have to say it's baby Mudang because Mudang does not look like this any longer. It's baby Mudang, Mudang at the height of its popularity.
Yeah. It's meme-level Mudang.
Yeah. And he's inside of his Boston Dynamic dog.
Josef Ritzel, obviously, he... Oh, so the Mudang is inside the dog? I think that's unfair.
I think that Mudang should be strapped on top of the dog. That's what I kind of mean.
Yeah, essentially a belt attached to it. A leather belt.

I think that you can see this thing revving up.

Josef Ritzel's bound to a chair.

He can barely walk.

He's got his U-Guru being like,

The one thing I learned all my time of being a father

is patience.

And he sits and he waits.

And Mudang, they load him up.

He comes out.

We decide whether or not at first Mudang, he's too cute. He likes the attention.
Yeah. Right.
So everybody's applauding Mudang. Everyone's like, yay, Mudang.
Right. And so the legs are going, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
And it's like dancing for the crowd. And everyone's like, oh, Mudang.
And it's like going, and the audience loves it. They're falling apart.
Right. Joseph Fritzl's not remotely like, he's not ph not phased at all.
He had sex with his own daughter too much. He can't deal with being cute.
He's just going to pull out his gun and shoot Mudang in the head. Exactly.
One shot. He has one shot.
He's going to throw like a battery down a staircase and the dogs are going to go after him. He's going to shut the door.
Yosef Fritzl knows to wait for his moment at the very top of Mudang, gherking its crowd-pleasing engagement because it must, because it's driven by ad dollars. Josef Fritzl shoots it in the head, and that leads the Boston Dynamic Dog to be leaderless.
But I do think that Josef Fritzl, he's an old man.

I don't know what his marksmanship skills are

like, so I think he's going to wait

until the Boston Dynamics dog with

Mudang strapped on top charges

him. You wait to the

random Boston Dynamics

dog's eyes. Waits until he charges

him, and so he's going to shoot Mudang

right before the Boston

Dynamics dog hits.

But that's the thing. The Boston

Dynamics dog is going to collide with

the And so he's going to shoot Mudang right before the Boston Dynamics Dog. But that's the thing.
The Boston Dynamics Dog is going to collide with the old man. Well, now Yosef Ritzel has been knocked out of his wheelchair.
So now it's Yosef Ritzel second round, unfortunately, on his feet. Yes, yes.
He's on his feet. He's definitely on his feet.
And he's a little batter because that's what we got to remember. That's what the rules that we put in last year is that you do go into the next round with the injuries that you sustained in the round before.

So, for example, we have only four Mars Attacks aliens left.

Yes, exactly.

And now it's Josef Fritzl has been removed because he obviously was in a rascal. But I also think that once Mudang is dead and the dog has this fucking stupid weight off its back of a hippopotamus, it will be a much more fierce fighter and will kill Josef Fritzl while he's laying on the ground and just stomp him to death.
It loses the... Mudang is the driving force.
Yeah, Mudang's the driving force. I think after he kills Mudang, Fritzl gains control of the Boston Dynamics dog.
He's riding the Boston Dynamics dog. So now it's Josef Frizal riding a Boston Dynamics dog.
But he loses the gun. Yeah, but he loses the gun.
Because he only had one bullet in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it shot him down in the head. And he was so surprised when it actually worked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was never supposed to last this long.
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Wow, this is great. This is really our best work.
Yeah, it really is. This is the best stuff we do.
Ten fully armed Australian larrikins. Now, for those of you who remember, larrikins, those are the rambunctious children that built the entire criminal network of Australia.
And a fully armed larrikin has a garbage pail body. It has garbage pail armor with holes cut out of the side of it with the hands sticking out of it.
With trash canland hats. Ned Kelly armor.
Yes. A trash canland hat.
And each one has an armed slingshot. Yeah, with a bunch of rocks.
Yes. I mean, a nearly unlimited supply of rocks.
It's Australia. There's rocks everywhere.
Yeah, it's a rock-heavy city or a country. But again, they're children, though.
But they're fearless. By children, we mean what? 13? 14? I would say, yeah, 8 to 13.
8 to 13. In Australia, you're a child until you're 13.
You're immediately a man. As soon as you hit 14, you're an adult man.
And then at 18, you're a crocodile.

So we got 10 fully armed Australian larrikins

versus...

It's going to be child versus child.

We have Jan Pelgrim, the cabin boy

from the Batavia, the insane cabin boy.

This fight could have actually happened.

Yeah, it's so close. It really could have.
This is a regional battle here. That's where he came from.
Off the coast of Australia versus the Australians themselves. All right.
Now, we know he's supposed to be impressed by you. We know he's supposed to be a great granddaddy of some kind.
But the rest of us don't care because we hate old people we want to in we're telling you to go team and i'm gonna put yam pelgrim i'm not gonna do yam pelgrim as he was which you know of course he was back then too weak to strangle anybody too to kill anybody i'm doing yam pelgrim as he saw himself oh yeah youngest boy to ever live yam Jan Pellgrim self-image. I'm a boy that

was born to kill other boys.

And I'll do it

discriminately.

What are the chances that they just join

forces and decide that they're like,

he's the 11th larrikin? Good.

Very good.

Well, this is the problem. Very, very good.

Did we understand this at first

when we put together this list? Because I think that there is no way they stay separate. Yeah, I think so, too.
I think that the Larrikan see him and say, oh, my God, we're on the same team. Yeah, why fight when we can kiss? Yes, let's go take this whole fucking thing.
They can't wait to fight the Mars aliens. That's all they want to do.
That's all a Larrikan ever wanted, ever, was to fight a Martian. Yeah, I think that this is, I feel like they're just going to become buddies.
He's a follower, you know. That's 11 Larrikins.
I don't know. I think Jan Pelgrim becomes the leader.
Oh, yeah. If Jan Pelgrim, as his self-image, because Jan Pelgrim, you've got to remember, he's 17.
And he did talk people into killing.

He did.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He definitely comes in.

They're about to fight, and larrikins all sit, and they kind of measure each other up.

All of a sudden, they're looking at each other's slingshots, and they're like, that's a nice slingshot.

He's just like, yeah, it is, right?

It's fucking awesome.

I got a bunch of people with it.

I've killed people.

Multiple grown men. I got a dull knife.
It barely works, but you can slap people with it. You know, a lot of us, we never really got a chance to kill grown men yet.
Most of you just harass people and pretend to be ghosts. As long as it's got a point on it, it can go in the eye.
Let's go together. Alright, so it's going to be the best Australian garage rock band ever Yawn and the Larrikins Yeah wow That is a team that we didn't know That it could happen like this Defying reality That's why this is better than the actual March Madness Because this can't happen amongst basketball teams Yeah do you think people have this sort of passion Talking about like Duke Syracuse? No.
Unless they got money right now. Yeah.
All right. Honestly, we want to say thank you to the various gambling apps that work here.
You can actually submit a bet for one of these for our March Madness right now. Yeah.
On your Rocket money? I think it's on better sleep. Yeah, better sleep.

Alright, so this is the last round

in the prelims.

Not prelims, but like the last round in the first

round. Eastern Conference.

Oh, we've got Al Gata,

the 9-11 Gator.

Oh, yeah. Trained by Al Gata.

Killed the old man when he was

expecting at least on 9-11.

That's right. Just a beautiful Tuesday.
But remember, was shot in the head by a cop. Yeah, that is true.
So it can be killed. Al Gator, the 9-11 Gator versus Lorne Michaels.
Whoa! We shall see, shall we? I don't know if he's ready for the main show or not. What did he take? What I'll actually take.
I appreciate that. I guess we really don't do puns anymore, but...
I know that on 9-11, he saw that and immediately started producing. Yeah.
Instead of like... Oh, yes.
He was unfazed by 9-11. I can't wait for the sketch this will inspire.
One of my favorite days, 9-11, because I got to get to work very easily. So things that 30 Rock is actually quite far.
Quite far from the World Trade Center. It's a perfect distance for me to enjoy it from as a Canadian.
Now, does he have a security team? He has a phalanx of assistance. Yeah, phalanx.
Which would be, how many is in a phalanx? Five. When I saw him in real life, he was surrounded by five blonde ladies on phones, and he did nothing.
Yeah, and isn't there always like a child, like a boy who follows him with popcorn? No, I wish. I heard about that.
I didn't see that. I never saw that.
That is one, I think I remember reading that in the live, the book, the oral history of Saturday Night Live. Yes.
Is that he quit smoking like many years ago and so now he like constantly eats popcorn and so there's somebody that's always around him that makes sure that there's never like a bowl of popcorn. It's kind of like Ronald Reagan with his jelly beans.
That's another substantiated rumor about me. How many times people make up incredible things.
I'm seven feet tall. Well, if you remember, Al-Gaeda went for the man's terrier, and then the man got in the way and got killed and had his leg ripped off by Al-Gaeda.
Now, the popcorn boy could be the thing that fucking entices Al Gata to come out of the swamp and go after the boy. And then Warren would be so upset that his popcorn boy is being attacked.
He would then jump in to save his popcorn, not the boy. And then Al Gata could rip his legs off.
Al Gata, I'm just going to say. He's a 12-foot alligator.
Yeah, he's a big alligator. And Lord Michaels is a dainty old man.
Yes, for my own piece of mind. He's a television producer.
Yes. Algeta absolutely massacres Lord Michaels.
He first, like, obviously he stages it all to be like, let's see how he does in the test. And so they bring Algeta in the waiting room at 8H.
It sounds like two 2x4s slapping together. Lord Michael's been like, can he do an impression of Elon Musk? And then he goes, Al Gata goes towards the stage, and then meanwhile, like, Lord Michael, you know, because they don't laugh.
Al Gata goes up there, he does a couple things, he can't stand bombing. No.
Or loves it. And then he just rips, he jumps off the fucking stage through the writer's staff, onto Lord Michael's, and just absolutely decimates it.
Yeah, Lord Michael's didn't do his homework, and he tried to zigzag instead of just run straight. I guess I should have seen his audition.
For the next round, does Al Gata merely kill Lorne Michaels or does he eat him alive? Because that's going to have a lot of bearing on how Al Gata does. He kills him.
He just ripped the guy's leg off. See, the thing is with Al Gata is they kill somebody they put they drag them under the water and they

let them sit there under a rock until they get

mushy and then they come back and eat. Gotcha.

What if I'm already mushy?

I'm thinking that if there are the

assistants around alligators going to get chased

off so alligators not going to so alligators

still going to be hungry going into the next fight.

Oh yeah he's ready to go. But he will have

Lauren's leg in his mouth. Yeah he ripped him open.
He ripped Lauren opens and he's like, oh, no. I guess we'll have to see what the critics say.
All right. So that is our...
So who's moving on? So our Eastern Conference round two is going to be four Mars Attacks aliens versus Yosef Fritzl on a Boston Dynamics dog. And Jan and the Larrikins versus a still hungry Al Gata.
So let's move over to the Western Conference to see what our first round is going to be. Do the Larrikins also hire Al Gata? We've got to get to it.
We'll get to it. We don't know what's going to happen.
We don't know what's going to happen. We don't know what's going to happen.
So, first round is Benicio Del Toro as the Wolfman. Now, Henry has stipulations here.
All right, so it's Benicio Del Toro. Now, what do we know from the Kruger's Dorp murders and our crew over there is that he is absolutely in real life a werewolf.
But Benicio del Toro is not fully aware of this. Our competition takes place and kicks off, right? We've been fighting for hours.
Yeah. So let's say we hit a kickoff at 3.30.
Yeah. First fights at 3.30? Yes.
That's right. So Benicio del Toro is a wolf man.
Yeah. And it's about whether or not we get to the nighttime.
Because if you're getting to the nighttime, you're going to be either fighting Benicio Del Toro, the actor, or him transformed into a werewolf. I say two fights an hour, so right now we're at about 6.30 p.m.
Ooh, it's about to turn. It depends on how long the fight is.
Let's see who he's versus. The next full moon is March 14th.

All right.

Today's March 2nd.

But what time does the moon rise?

That's what we really have to look at, is what time does the moon rise?

2.55 a.m.

Well, that's when it's at its peak.

Eastern Standard Time.

That's the next full moon.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that's when it's fully full.

Does a werewolf turn? Wow. Does a werewolf turn when the moon is fully full? The werewolf turns when the moon is fully full.
It's not just that night? No. It's the moon has to be fully full.
All right. Well, then he's Benicio Del Toro, the actor.
In makeup. Unless he can't last until 2.55 in the morning.
Yeah. But he's not there.
No, he would have made to the end of this bracket. Yeah.
We might have been able to say this if he was the very last card pulled. Yeah.
But unfortunately, right now, as it stands, it's Benicio Del Toro in Wolfman makeup. But he's also pretty badass.
He is. He is.
No, he is. As far as actors go.
But that's the thing is that Benicio Del Toro enter into this tournament knowing that this could happen. He rolled the dice, and he lost.
He took the payout. Yeah, he did take the payout.
He took the money. Well, let's see if it's his widow that's going to get the money in the end, because Benicio Del Toro is going up against, ooh, Judge Doom.
Judge Doom, the villain in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, when he killed your brother, he talked just like this! This is my issue, though. Okay.
This is one of my issues. God, I opened up my cold sore again.
Oh, God. He's covered in blood.
Now, Judge Doom, in and of itself, he was good versus cartoons. He was also good versus Eddie, though.
Yeah, because he had all the extra weapons in the warehouse. And remember, he's got springs in his feet.
He's very intimidating. He is a cartoon.
He's a cartoon. I forgot he is a cartoon.
He's an actual toon. Yeah, that is the main.
Wearing human skin, I think. Yes, yes.
Yeah. And does he have the weasels with him? No.
No, no, no. This is solo.
This is solo. Yeah, he's too strong because especially...
Yeah, because the only thing that technically kills him is Turpentine. Yeah.
Also, dip would not affect Benicio Del Toro. No.
Benicio Del Toro probably hasn't come with dip. Yeah, that's the thing, is that he would have had to have known that dip was.

And that's the thing, is that nobody, none of these fighters know who the rest of the people are.

Yeah.

But I still think. So he wouldn't have thought to come with dip.

Depending, yeah, because again, it depends on who they're, it all depends on who you're versus.

Benicio Del Toro pretty much assumed he was going to be a wolfman.

Yeah.

At the time we were going to do this. Yeah, he very much this.
He very much assumed. He's got confidence.
Oh, yeah. And he's sitting here being like, oh, no.
Oh, no, my name got called too early. I was supposed to be here already.
I'm still in makeup. Yeah, it's probably like, what, 5 p.m., 6 p.m.? It's about 6.37, yeah.
We've already had four fights. I do think, unfortunately, Benicio Del Toro comes out.
I think at first he does a couple of like, he tries to do a couple of the boxing things that he learns from his personal trainer. So he comes and he's in the Wolfman outfit going, He is strong.
Yeah, he is. But Judge Doom, unfortunately, springs in on his spring feet and shoots a sword out of his hand

and fucking impales his face with it, unfortunately.

Actually, I don't even think Judge Doom needs to go all the way.

I think Judge Doom could just beat him to death with his walking stick.

Yeah, probably.

And he's just like, oh, no!

Oh, oh, I'm pretty still the story of the actor!

Judge Doom's going to be pretty hard to beat.

Yeah, he is.

Now that I'm thinking about it.

We'll see.

Because, again, it's still just dip. and we don't quite know who would know, because we got some clever people here.
He wasn't killed by Dip, right? Oh no, he was killed by Dip because he was run over by the steamroller and it didn't kill him. Wow.
It's going to take some cleverness to take care of Judge Doom. I'll say that.
It's definitely going to take some cleverness here. But we have some.
We don't count some of these villains out yet. Yeah, don't count them out.
But Benicio Del Toro, the actor, is unfortunately slaughtered immediately. Slaughtered very, very quickly.
Yeah, yeah. All right.
Next up, we have... Sad.
Next round, yeah. I love Benicio Del Toro.
I know you do. I do as well.
But he's dead now. Yes.
Next up, we have, ooh, Tilikum the whale. See, this is why I chose Mudang strapped to the Boston Dynamic Dog, because I knew you were going to do Tilikum.
Have to do Tilikum. But then you had to do, I was like, what's going to counter Tilikum? Well, the thing is with Tilikum is he is bound to his tank.
Yeah. So that is kind of the rough thing.
It depends on who he's going against. Because in order to do the fight, you have to agree to go into the tank.
Oh, of course. We've set up these stipulations before.
Yeah, yeah. You do have to go to that environment.
You have to fight him in the tank. It's not like, I mean, because it's not like he's just rolling around on the ground.
He could. Still pretty, probably do a pretty good job.
But they won their coin flip. Yeah.
That's why. Yeah.
Yeah. Because otherwise it'd just be on the fucking dirt.
Yeah. And when Tilikum, you know, said heads, he threw a scalp into the ring.
And he was like, all right, Tilikum, you win. But whoever fights him does, they are, depending on if they're water breathing or not,

they will definitely get scuba equipment.

They'll get.

They have to fight them.

They have to go.

They have to be equals.

And that equal will be.

Oh, Luigi Mangione.

Oh, man.

Okay.

I think.

Oh, man.

I think.

For the love of God.

Can we just do this once? All right. I know telecom means a lot to everybody.
Yeah. But I think it's going to take more than three bullets to take out telecom.
But let's just say, for the sake of our country, telecom knows that this will be a symbolic death. And he knows how much this means to everybody that Luigi tried to take this all the way.
You know what I mean? But this would truly make Luigi a villain now. No, Tilikum's going to kill her men.
Tilikum was, you know, you could argue that's all self-defense. If Luigi killed...
Tilikum is guilty for the same reason the Menendez brothers are guilty. They went overboard.
Tilikum did not have to kill those people in that way. He was stolen from his home.
Yeah, there is ways through. He was raped in a...
Oh my God, it's the same. I will not allow re-litigation of Tilikum.
But if Luigi was doing what Luigi does, he'd kill the owner of SeaWorld, not Tilikum. Right now, Luigi can't fight.

Luigi has to fight the fights he can fight.

Yeah, but that's the thing. This is the fight

he needs to fight. Yeah, because if

Luigi killed the owner of SeaWorld, then Tilikum

would eventually die. The whole thing would

fall apart. But it would

take a very long time for the entire

corporate apparatus to

fall around the ears of Tilikum. We.
Yeah. Unfortunately.
We also need lawyers. We do need lawyers.
I feel like Luigi Mangione in full, his full like scuba fighting gear. That's the thing.
Here's what we know about Luigi Mangione. Man knows how to prepare.
Like the man knows going in. And he's got money.
So he's like Bruce Wayne. Yeah, he's got money, he knows how to prepare, he knows how to go into a situation to win it! And he's written on his harpoon gun.
He has a harpoon gun. Oh, he has a harpoon gun, not a tiny little gun that's made from a 3D printer.
No, he doesn't because he prepares. Yes, and he's written on it, D-Fin, D-Gill, D-Swim..
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
He's here to kill. D-Bosher.
And he fucking shoots Tillicum directly, perfect shot into the center of its brain. You don't think he's going to be enamored by the beauty of Tillicum? No, I think so.
He's going to look at him for two seconds and be like, oh my God, what should I do? And then Tillicum just grabs him by the fucking foot and drowns him. He's plans.
He thinks Tillicom's a fucking sellout for giving all of his free promo to SeaWorld. Yeah.
Tillicom's a prisoner. He's a sellout, a bitch.
He's exactly who Luigi should be standing up for. No, he's got to fucking show nobody's got to be taking any kind of dirty money from anybody.
I think if Luigi really wanted to beat Tilda Cumi, just unplug the filter.

I'm taking a go.

You shoot out the cage.

Yeah, but I do think that Luigi prepares.

Luigi knows how to get there.

He knows how to get the job done.

And Luigi does not hesitate.

So I don't think that there would be any sort of...

I don't think there would be any sort of distraction

or anything like that.

I think he pops in and just...

Right in the brain. I don't think Tilda Cumi's got the fight in him anymore.
What are you talking about? He's killed three. Maybe he understands that he's got to hold some accountability.
And he always gets you. That's Tillicom's move.
I'm cute. I'm adorable.
Come on in the water. Come do yourself.
Get naked. But not when you're coming to kill him, though.
You know what I mean? I'm telling you, he's very enamoring I know I don't think Luigi has it in him I don't know what you guys are talking about here I think Tilikum is obviously a beast that cannot be defeated I think you're fighting for Tilikum Because you have emotional attachments I have no emotional attachments Well no, I just think it would way to get, I think it's a fun way for him to kill a whale.

Yeah.

Just shooting it from outside the water.

All right.

I don't think you guys are correct, but I'm outnumbered here.

Yay!

All right.

Hell of a first bracket.

Let's move on. Let's move on.
Yeah, fuck yeah, man. But do you think Telecom wouldn't know he's coming? He also is in a fight.
Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know what those SeaWorld killer whales, what they're paying attention to, really.
It seems like it takes a while before they notice that someone else gets in the water. Yeah.
It takes a while for them to get agitated to that point as well. Yeah.
Years. Alright, so next up we have the biggest monster of the UK, Mr.
Jimmy Savile. Oh, right.
Jimmy fix it. That's right.
He's got a pup on his knee. Better meet up.
Oh, man. Thank God he's not going against the Larrakids.
I actually feel like...

Thank Christ they're in a different bracket.

They might beat the fucking Jedi.

Or they might fall in love with him.

He is charming.

Talk about the telecom effect.

And we have Jimmy Savile versus...

It's like versus like here.

It's Jimmy Savile.

This was completely random. Jimmy Savile versus Diddy.
Oh, yeah. Battle of the monsters.
Battle of the sexual predators. Different tastes.
Different tastes. Jimmy Savile, obviously, he's fun and shit.
Definitely, he's going to a Diddy party. For sure.
He's going to go to a freak-off. Yeah, he's definitely going to a freak-off.
Diddy has what will appeal to Jimmy Savile. I can also see Jimmy Savile going like, oh, yes, more money certainly does bring more problems.
All right. Say them all.
Say them all. Well, that's the thing.
Jimmy Savile was a monster of opportunity. He, of course, was known across the United Kingdom for years and years as a man of charity.
And that's, of course, how he found many of his victims, you know, in spinal wards, mental hospitals, and so on and so forth. In addition to various kids that were on Jim will fix it.
But Diddy, I think Diddy's like that. He's the spider with the web and Jimmy Savile's the fly.
Because Jimmy Savile is the one that he goes to where the action is and Diddy has the action. We don't know Diddy's kill count.
We don't. Diddy's kill count.
Brittany Murphy. He killed Brittany Murphy.
He killed I think he's going he was going after Dick Van Dyke. He kind of got out of the way.
I love like Rex Howerman we were talking earlier. You're like, allegedly.
And like Diddy, you're like, he killed Brittany Murphy. We know who he killed.
He did a lot of, yeah, who else did he do? Yeah, Tupac Shakur, Biggie Smalls. His ex-wife.
Yeah, his ex-wife. They were talking about that.
Her boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, all that kind of stuff.
Brady Murphy's boyfriend, Bernie Mac. And Jimmy Savile's only ever dealt with children, and kids are like.
Well, Jimmy Savile's more teenage girls. Yes.
Young teenage girls, that was Jimmy Savile's, that was his taste. Yeah, like, P.
Diddy, you know, let's just say... Because Savile's clever.
That's what he always said. It's always better to be clever than smart.
He also manhandled full-grown men, did he? Jimmy... But also...
Diddy sexual assaulted full-grown, allegedly. Little known fact about Jimmy Savile, wrestler.
And he was a wrestler, and he was in incredibly good shape his entire life. You know what's hard to wrestle? A man covered in baby oil.
Especially a man covered in GHB baby oil. It gets you sleepy, dude.
Yeah, it gets you real sleepy. I think that is the main issue, is that you get the GHB.
That's the key here. Is that he's slathered with GHB baby oil, which makes him truly someone to beat.
Very difficult. Diddy's got the money.
I do think he's got the upper body strength. I think he's got more kills.
He's got more people. He's by far more violent because Jimmy Savile was not necessarily known to be violent.
Jimmy Savile was a man of opportunity. He liked to prey on the weak.
I tell you what though, I'd pay for a front front row ticket to that fight. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Except for you've got to wear a poncho.
A white one. Yeah, you get sloshed with a lot of that sleepy time oil.
Yeah, but I think with this one, I think Diddy takes it. I think Diddy takes it, unfortunately.
Unfortunately, I actually think it's fortunately. You know, I think Ed did he's allowed to win here.
Right from your blade. Hey, everybody.
Ed Larson here from Last Podcast on the Left. And today, an interesting thing happened to me.
I was leaving the house dressed head to toe in quince. Just, I got my matching maroon linen shirt and pants on.
I have my quince sunglasses, even my quince underwear. You know what else I got? I got this cool little chain that I wear on my wrist.
That's also from quince. And I'm looking at the mirror and I'm looking at myself and realizing I can't leave the house like this.
I'm a married man. I'm going to get jumped by all the ladies, all the dudes, all the dogs, just for looking like this.
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Plus, get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. All right, so for the last, the first round bracket of the Western Conference, we have Keith Raniere.

Ooh, he's my guy. Of NXIVM.

Yeah, of NXIVM.

And we've also

got the

Symbionese Liberation Army.

Oh!

SLA!

So let's do NXIVM versus the

XSLA. Yeah, NXIVM versus

the SLA. Oh my god, we already

know who fucking wins.

The SLA pumps these motherfuckers full of bullets in a second. They have lots of guns.
They got lots of, like, yeah. Because, you know, Kreather and Air Raid, they show up, right? The SLA rolls up.
They're fucking looking cool. They got all their guns.
They're stupid. They got the flags.
But none of them are black. None of them are black.
So they're not going to be able to convince the SLA to do anything. Exactly.
NXIVM is nothing but Ali, what's her name? It's just skinny white women. So they roll in.
So first of all, it's Keith Raniere and all his skinny white women. And then you've got the SLA.
And they're also all rich as well, which is going to piss off the SLA. Oh, yeah.
This is very much the bourgeois. Yeah.
Right? These are money people. First, Keith Raniere's been like, can you guys even net? And you're like, what? And he brings out his volleyball, spins it on his finger.
He's just like, all right, let's see. Best two out of three.
Whoever wins the volleyball match, that's who moves on in the game. moves on in the game Cut to I think the SLA's going to give the volleyball game a chance You don't think you can't play volleyball? Yeah, I think they're going to try Because they do have pride What's his name again? The leader Hey Sing Q You can seeink Q roll up to Keith Raniere being like, what's up, my man? What's going on? And they, you know, they do, like, he tries to teach him a fucking high five back and forth and Keith Raniere, he can't.
Yeah. He can't at all.
So then I think it's a flap, flap, flap, flap, poking the eyes right through his little glasses. Smashes his glasses out, right? Now Keith Raniere, he can't see.

But the SLA still

makes him play volleyball. We're doing this

the old school way, on the sand.

Oh my god, so they're just going to beat him

at volleyball and then shoot him? Yeah.

I think so. And they'll

march all over him.

They first beat him, and then

that's got to be such a blow for him.

He freaks out. As soon as he's like,

you're not following the rules!

Now, how many of

Thank you. They first beat him, and then that's got to be such a blow for him.
He freaks out. As soon as he's like, you're not following the rules.
Now, how many of Keith Raniere's white women become SLA members? Yeah, Ally joins. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, what's her name? Okay, yeah, the one that was in Battlestar Galactica or the one that was in Supergirl? Smallville.
Smallville.

Oh yeah, Ally Mack joins.

She's definitely the angriest one.

So SLA picks up Ally Mack.

That's awesome.

She'd do so well with them.

She really would. That's who she should

have found. Wow, so that's the last

of the brackets. That's the last of the brackets and that's the

thing. We have one final we have a couple that did not make the tournament, unfortunately.
Chad Daybell and Lori Vallow did not make the tournament, unfortunately. They'll have to wait until next year.
Yeah. Just too busy in prison.
That's it. Alright, so now we are in the quarterfinals of the March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, fourth annual.
First up, four Mars Attacks aliens versus Josef Fritzl on a Boston Dynamics talk. All right.
Now, this is complicated. Is he riding it like a horse? Yes.
Okay. Yeah, has to.
He's not strapped on like Mudang was. No, he can control.
He might be laying on top of it. Yeah.
See, I could see him running circles with the Boston Dynamic Dog. I could see him going around there and them not really knowing what's going on.
But here's also one stipulation I'm going to put in. We've got four Mars Attacks aliens.
Marjorie Taylor Greene was such a beast that they used up every bit of plasma power they have. So they have to fight him with his hands.
So from now on the Mars Attacks aliens are hand-to-hand combat. Alright, well I will say one thing about the Mars Attacks aliens.
We saw them take out tanks. We saw them take out With weaponry.
With weaponry. Yeah.
But why would they have no laser guns? Because there has to be a stipulation on them to fight. Because they used it.
But then why did we give Yosef Fritzl a gun and we're not going to give the thing? We don't know of him having a gun ever. No, but that's the thing.
The Mars Attacks aliens are covered in laser guns. But they started with the laser guns, but they used up all of their laser guns in fighting Marjorie Taylor Greene and killing Marjorie Taylor Greene.

They're not infinite.

No.

I don't believe that at all.

You see, it's funny that normally I would agree that they would have unlimited plasma firing ability.

I just wonder whether or not, like, is if Josef Ritzel so freedom bound.

He's so freedom.

Think about this.

He's fresh out of jail. He hasn't had a daughter in 25 years.
He doesn't want to die. He wants to be able to go.
His dream is to move back into a house with a basement that he has total control over, so he has motivation. You're saying they don't have motivation? Here's what I'm going to say.
I actually know a good amount about the Mars Attacks lore. I was obsessed with Mars Attacks when I was in junior high.
Okay. But specifically, I was obsessed with the cards, the card that Mars Attacks was based on.
But I was also obsessed, Topps Comics had this incredible Mars Attacks series. It was like a five-issue miniseries in which it actually had, it showed it from the perspective of the Mars Attacks aliens.
The movie, of course, made them very goofy. But if we combine that with the Topps Mars Attacks lore, then we know that the Mars Attacks aliens did have limited resources as they were invading the Earth.
And so if they do have limited resources, there was a lot of management going on of like, where are we going to put all the aliens? Where are we going to put all the UFOs? So that tells me that they do have limited resources, that their weapons are not infinite, and that we are dealing with a situation where they would eventually run out of ammo. But as we said, what you get in the first round, you can bring to the next round, but you do not get anything extra after you enter the first round.
Well, we also said that Josef Fritzl's out of bullets. Yes.
Yeah, Josef Fritzl's exactly. He came in with one bullet, and he's done.
And I will say that the Mars Attacks aliens are way better with technology than Josef Fritzl, and I think that they will be able to reprogram the Boston Dynamics Obviously, he just put us into a fucking hole.

It's a very good point.

I can't argue with that.

No, and Josef Fritzl, as much as we all, again, he has the, just like Mudang, he has the inspiration and he wants to go.

But I just think that if you take that power from him, his 90-year-old legs are not really going to be able to do it.

And if you remember, Josef Fritzl is a structural engineer, not an electrical engineer. So he's not going to have any idea what to do with that dog.
But again, four Mars attacks aliens. I do think one Mars attacks alien might get trampled by the dog.
That's the best bat. That's his best bat.
He sacrifices himself so he can be attacked by the dog while the other two jump on its back and redo its wiring. They knock it off.
But then, unfortunately, they do just knock it off. I think they use their massive glass, like plexiglass heads, and they just headbutt Josef Ritzel over and over again.
He's just mush. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But now that they've reprogrammed it, what do we have now?

We have three Mars Attacks aliens with one Boston Dynamics dog.

Which is fucking powerful.

Honestly, this is a huge commercial for Boston Dynamics.

Yeah, yeah.

I really have been asking because I want one of these dogs.

I want one real bad.

I want one for the network.

Yeah.

All right.

So our next fight, we have Jan and the Larrakens versus Still Hungry Algeta. And I'm thinking...
They kill an alligator. Unfortunately, I have to say, Algeta doesn't stand a chance against the Larrakens because they fight crocodiles.
Exactly. Crocodiles are way more powerful than alligators.
And so, I think that this is a very easy win for the Larrakens, unfortunately. And they now all have brand new alligator leather hats and gloves.
And they have teeth that they can use in their slingshots. So then they can take the alligator, rip it to pieces, use that to actually enhance their weaponry.
Yeah. So I think that, yeah, this is a no-brainer here.
It really is. Unfortunately.
I don't want it to be this way. But this is a blowout.
Yeah. Absolute blowout.
Seeing about 12 boys kick an alligator to death, again, I'd pay money to see that. Sit to sit with rocks and trash cans.
Because that's how they fight. It's sort of organized.
It's a swarm. They're coming from every angle, and it's very difficult to get.
And they're making fun of you, too. That's also the worst part about Larrak.
They're saying stuff about your fucking weight, about your clothes. Yeah, they steal your pants.
It's demoralizing. Put your dickies out, isn't it? I'm going to slap your dicks.
I'm going to put your balls. Stop it.
Stop bullying me. Of course, Jan Pellegrim's voice, once it gets to a certain frequency, it can make your ears bleed.
It does hurt you. And can maybe affect a Mars Attack alien later on.
We'll see what happens. Okay, so that is Eastern.
That's the Eastern quarterfinals over and done with. Let's head over to the Western.
This first one, this is a really interesting fight. Judge Doom versus Luigi Mangione.
Now, if we remember Judge Doom, one of the things that Judge Doom was about, what Judge Doom was more than anything else in this entire world, Judge Doom was a capitalist. Absolutely.
That was his whole plan. His whole plan was to buy the fucking red line and to replace it.
We'll see a freeway where you'll see motels, tire salons. My God, it'll be beautiful.
Let me tell you something. You're going to get none of that.
Because I am the only little Italian Avenger of all the freedom And all of the Proletariat That is a beautiful Baltimore accent Thank you Hey my name's Hey welcome to Baltimore My name's Luigi Baltimore. This is what an assassin sounds like.
I think since we did talk about how much he studies and prepares, I feel like he knows about the dip. I feel like he knows about the dip.
And he could just have a water gun. Exactly, dude.
He really can. I think that he has the dip.
I think that he writes on the back. Unfortunately, because he's a hack, he writes detune.
D-judge. D-scribble.
D-scribble. on the back unfortunately because he's a hack he writes detune dejudge de-scribble on the side of the water gun filled with dip he squirts it all over his feet bukkakis it all over his face he's like ah ah in a weird way I think he's the only one that could be judged too I think so too I think he's the only one that could have taken him down.
That was it, because of the power of the proletariat itself. He's fueled by angry populists.
Oh no, Judge Doom is like the he's the capitalist of all capitalists. He's trying to eliminate public transportation, that piece of shit.
Yeah, he's trying to not only eliminate public transportation, but he is willing to murder and kill the very soul of joy, the toons, in order to do it. And he's also a class traitor, because he himself is a toon.
Yeah, he's a fucking self-hating toon. Yeah, he doesn't have a chance against Luigi.
He really doesn't. Yeah, fuck him, man.
Shoot him in the head. All right, so Luigi moves on to the semifinals.
Yeah, wow, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Good work, Luigi.
Yeah, and this next one, this one's pretty interesting. This is Diddy versus the Symbionese Liberation Army.
Whoa! How do I say just their sheer fear of him? Oh, for sure. I think Diddy's own presence is so intimidating to the SLA.
They so want to be cool with Diddy. They do.
They want to go to the party. And Diddy's got a lot of cred.

That's all they want.

And that's all they want.

All they want is for Diddy to tell them that he likes their shoes.

They're going to listen to anything he tells them to do.

If he tells them to go fucking drown in baby oil, they will do it.

Are you sure, Diddy?

Yeah, that is true.

Are you sure?

I get you, Diddy.

If there's one thing that a white man wants above all else, it's for a black man to tell

him that his shoes are cool. That's all they want.
He'll do anything for that. They will fool.
Nothing makes me happier. Oh, Diddy.
If there's one thing that a white man wants above all else, it's for a black man to tell him that his shoes are cool.

That's all he wants.

He'll do anything for that.

They will fool.

Nothing makes me happier.

Oh my God.

It happened to me on the train, on the J train once in New York.

I was on a high for a week.

It's my favorite.

It's the only reason why I wear those shoes.

Do you think that we could change the attitude of the entire country if someone just told

Trump his shoes were cool?

Yeah, yeah.

I think so. I think we're there.
Someone has to go with fake laugh for a year. So, yeah, I think Diddy takes him out pretty fast.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah, because I don't.
He's like, have you tried this new sports drink? They're like, wow, Diddy, what's that? It's called Sleepy Boy. Like, that's what he does.
He shows them the new sports drink that he's marketing from his Ciroc label. And they're all so excited to be.
And he sets up, like, a velvet rope. And then he sets it all up like it's a super exclusive hip-hop party.
And so they're so excited to go that he has the guys check in. They check in all their weaponry just like you have to do at a hip-hop party.
And they all walk in. And then he gives them all his special cocktail, and they're all dead.
Now Now, I will say he is, Diddy loves a celebrity. So I think Patty Hearst might live if she continues how she acted with the SLA.
I view this as Patty Hearst is out of the SLA. This is without Patty Hearst.
Yeah, for me, this has been without Patty Hearst the entire time. Oh, okay.
But you know who Diddy picks up, though? Mack. Oh yes! Absolutely! Oh yes! One thing Ally Mack likes to do, it is collaborate.
Oh she does. She does.
Wow, so we're down to the final four. Yeah, this is the final four here.
This is incredible. Now this is oh man, this is like Duke versus Gonzaga.
Like three Mars Attacks aliens with a Boston Dynamics dog versus Jan and the Larrikins. Wow.
Now, what's the other fight before we discuss this one? And the other fight is Luigi Mangione versus P. Diddy.
Whoa. Jesus Christ.
I would have never thought

this is where this date would go.

Last year it was Godzilla

versus the Xenomorph.

Before we go

last year's

final four was

on the Eastern Conference we had Xenu

the Scientology God versus

the Xenomorph

alien and on the other side

we had Godzilla

who was quite injured by 400 birds, versus Killdozer, possessed by Pazuzu. Wow.
Yeah. What a colorful year that was.
But this year, I feel like we're really getting it down to brass tacks. What do people want to hear? Yeah, I feel like, because, I mean, it's been a long time since we've had a group versus a group in the final four.
But I'm thinking that at the end of the day, Jan and the Larrikins might overtake the Mars Attack, three Mars Attacks aliens and the Boston Dynamics dog. We don't think that the Mars Attacks aliens and the Larrikins wouldn't fucking be like, I love you.
I don't mind. God, they have a chance.
They love chaos so much. Nothing more than chaos.
The Martians hate all humans. No matter what, they hate all humans.
There's no way, because you remember even in the movie, like if you follow the lore, right, they do kind of hint that they might go with the bad humans and then they blow them up too. Yeah.
So like, I think in the end, unfortunately, they would, but larrikins are immune to lies. So is a Boston Dynamics dog.
But I think that's true. But also, there's no way the Mars attacks aliens can tell lies, because all they do is go...
But in terms of the idea that larrikins know that even if the Martians pretend to sort of try to get them into the fold, larrikins are naturally distrustful. Yes, they are.
And so so I'm actually, I'm with Marcus. I think the only reason why is youth.
Yeah. The power of youth.
And how if you believe in yourself, what you can do. Yeah.
Right? And how these little boys, they are armed to the teeth. They have no parents.
They live in the jungle. They feel nothing.
They live in the outback. Yeah.
They feel nothing. And at the end of the day, it's like I was saying with Jan Pelgrim, the register of his voice.
That high pitch. As soon as he learned how to sing, boom.
That all three Mars attacks aliens explode. The heads explode.
Just like in the movie. But I think this dog is going to be hard to take out.
They just have rocks. But they could also, they have tricks.
And what you could do is you can get, you can trap up a boss of dynamics with old-fashioned, especially like old-school rope traps. Like, you know, you attach a thing down from a bend-down tree.
You like attach like a thing know how they do it? It lifts you up where the rope is attached to the super thin tree and it flips you up into the sky. I could see them doing that to a Boston Dynamics dog.
I think the dog takes out at least one or two of these fucking dogs. I'm going to say he takes out three.
Yeah, but larrikins are they multiply. Because the boys just keep showing up.
And they are a swarm. It would literally be a cloud of dust with fists coming at him and shit.
Yeah, yeah, like Heathcliff getting into a fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think we could do this. I think that the Larricans can beat the Martians.
Does Jan live? Yes. Yes, of course.
Well, Jan's the one who delivers the coup de grace. But while he does that, does the Boston Dynamics dog just fucking rip his larynx out? Nope, I think that the other larrikins take care of that.
I think the other larrikins make sure that the Boston... Because remember they have One half goes after the dog, the other half goes after the aliens.
They also can naturally form really good towers and piles as boys. But also remember they have So can the Mars attacks aliens.
They have everything that everything that they gained From killing Al Gata Yeah, remember they have all their stuff They're just wearing its skin But it makes them more fucking resistance to weaponry I think that they can overpower the aliens Because there's not as many aliens Yeah, it all depends on if the Boston Dynamics dog Gets him down on the ground and stomps on him Yeah, and starts starts ripping out their throats. Well, it doesn't have mouth.

It doesn't?

No.

No.

No, it's just the boss of the dynamics, dog.

It's only power is in its legs and how much it can stamp.

It's got to give this thing a robot mouth.

What are we even doing here?

That's what I've been asking for.

See, no head.

No head.

Yeah, you can attach a gun to it, but we decided not to do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We decided not to do that.

But I think in the end of it, Jan and the Larrikins take it.

All right, so we're talking seven Larrikins and Jan. Yeah, seven Larrikins and Jan.
Wow. I would have never thought that the Larrikins would make it this far.
Larrikins mean something to people. Yeah, they really do.
And they have right now, again, it's like the Eagles last year. They just want it more.
Yeah. They just want it.
And that's the thing, is that the Larrikins never would have made it if Jan hadn't come on because Jan was the one that eventually saved him from the Mars Attacks aliens. You never know what's going to happen on the last podcast on the left, March Madness of Mayhem and Murder.
You never know when you're waiting for a hero when it's going to show up. And there's a reason why this was the wild card edition because anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen.
Anything can happen.

Semifinals on the other side, we have Luigi Mangione versus P. Diddy.

I don't think it's a competition at all.

I don't think Luigi Mangione is impressed by a single fucking thing that Diddy has to say or do.

And I think Luigi Mangione, again, shoots him in the back of the head.

You think that he's going to be able to get that close to Diddy?

Diddy has to.

Well, he has to.

Well, the has to. It's a fight.
The thing about Brian Thompson is Brian Thompson was a loner. He'd always go out by himself.
Telecom's sitting there alone in the tank. Diddy has a crew at all times.
But I will say Diddy is, again, he's a star fucker. So the reverse of the the SLA where all the SLA are super enamored with Diddy and want to get on his good kind of do whatever he wants I could see Diddy originally sucking up to Luigi Mangione and saying we should be friends because I think that you're super cool Luigi loves the attention exactly but that's the thing is that actually if you guys I don't know you guys know this, but I think Luigi and Diddy are currently in the same prison.
Whoa. Like they're in the same, I think they're currently in the same jail.
And I think I remember, I think I remember reading that Diddy is actually jealous of Luigi for how much attention Luigi is getting. And Luigi is actually, Luigi is trying to back off a little bit.
He's like, just stop sending pictures. I don't need any more pictures.
Because it eventually will poison the jury pool against him. He knows that.
I think that Luigi, yeah, they're both the same. Yeah, they're both in Brooklyn.
I think there's a really solid chance that Diddy can take Luigi. See, I do think that if it was a one-on-one fight, yes.
Diddy could absolutely physically manhandle Luigi Mangione. Absolutely.
He's larger than him. But we have established that Luigi prepares.
Of course. And I think what Luigi's going to bring to this one? Landmines.
Landmines? Wow. Why is that going to matter to him? Explosives.
That's going to take away the fucking first wave of the goons. Luigi Mangione has become the Batman of this competition.
Yeah, he really has. And then because he has that ability, I would label him as such.
But then also, Diddy's got... Can Diddy call upon the ghost of Brittany Murphy? I think that if Luigi Mangione...
No, no, no. Once you murder someone.
Well, Diddy's not really into Satanism or anything like that.

So, no, he's just murdering God.

Are you ready for this?

Luigi Mangione.

Handful of landmines.

He's going to put them down.

What's on the ground?

Bunch of baby oil.

Whoops.

Slips.

The landmines fly in the air.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

Wow.

I never, because Diddy's got a lot of time to think.

Yeah, he does.

He's in jail. And, you know, I feel like we've been discounting In a way We've been discounting Diddy quite a bit Diddy's prolifically horrible He was a career criminal Yeah that is true I think I didn't even think about it in terms of that the baby oil and yeah because that's the thing if anything this is luigi mangiuni could suffer from hubris this is batman versus the joker yeah yeah did he dress as the joker yeah they did he did dress as the joker and i think this might be the time that the joker takes it wow yeah i think so i think i think you flipped on me too oh yeah i'm sorry ladies ladies and gentlemen.
I know it's going to be deeply unpopular. People are really going to be upset.
It's going to be really unpopular. Just because he's evil doesn't mean he can't win.
That's why we're doing this. Casey Affleck won an Oscar.
That's what this is about. What are we supposed to do here? Casey Anthony is still out there hanging out.
Is that Diddy is the Joker? Yeah, it's joker yeah diddy is the joker it looks great yeah you ever see the video of him harassing tyler the creator no that's the joker oh my god you could see tyler creator tyler the creator is like so he's pulling out of some party diddy's is dressed as the joker and keeps trying to get him to come out of the car and you can see this look on tyler the creator where he's like uh no thank you no i don't want to go with you i don't want to go he seems all tough but he's actually a really out of the car. And you can see this look on Tyler, the creator, where he's like, no, thank you.
No, I don't want to go with you. I don't want to go.
Because he seems all tough, but he's actually a really nice guy. Tyler, the creator? Yeah, he's a very nice guy.
He's a very easy reason. But you see this thing where he's trying to get him to come out.
Oh, my God. And he won't come out.
He's got a gun. No, it's a fake gun.
It looks real. Yes, it looks very real.
Yeah. Yeah, it shouldn't be.
But he was apparently, he stayed in character. Well, he even white-faced his neck.
Of course. He stayed in character all night, apparently, and it was very frightening.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
It sounds extraordinarily frightening. This terrifies me.
Yeah, that's what, Luigi met Diddy as Joker-fried Diddy. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, so unfortunately, yeah, Diddy does take it, but this is a very, this is a very interesting final. This is the longest fight we've had.
Yeah.

But this is a very interesting final here.

Man, it is

Diddy versus

Jan and the Larrikins.

I mean, if anybody can woo

these little Larrikins, it's a

man who's got

fucking gallons of

baby oil and people who

are going to fuck these Larrikins. These Larrikins have never had sex like this.
But the larrikins, I think, they love all crime except for sexual assault. Yeah, I would say that too.
I think that they're not sexual angels. I don't think they're sexual beings.
They're too young. I think that they just like the freedom of the outback.
They love. You don't think that titties are going to show them a pair of titties and they're going to go, oh my God! I bet you, but I also think boys would come too fast.
And they go right to sleep. Dude, if you show...
Yeah, they do. But I do think that if you showed a bunch of boys a pair of titties, right? Like, let's say you called...
What's her name over? You call Ice-T's wife. Coco.
Coco. Let's say you call Coco over huge titties showing them to Lyricans.
I think they come in their pants immediately and yeah, at first you're like, wow, but then it's kind of over. And then once you've come you don't care about anything.
I think he's been manipulating young gang members his entire life. He has this.
And also, he could just straight up drug them up because we know larrikins are going to do drugs. And we know that Diddy has drugs and plenty of booze.
Ciroc all around. They like booze, but I think that the larrikins are smart enough to know that he's going to turn the tables on them.

I think that they know that he's just luring them in like a Captain Hook.

And I think that they can see past that.

And I think that there is somewhat of a code to the Larrikins.

I do think that Larrikins stand just like Luigi Mangioni.

They mostly stand for freedom.

And they don't want, they don't trust a shady adult. They're not going to become trafficked by Diddy? I don't think so, because I think that what Jan Pelgr...
If you have Jan Pelgrim at the head of this Larrican group, because what does Jan Pelgrim want? What is the only thing Jan Pelgrim wants? To kill. Murder.
And Diddy only murders when necessary. Murder's way too high profile for him.
So I don't think that this is going to be their crowd. I don't think they're going to want in here at all.
If the Larrikins can take out the, as far as I'm concerned, if the Larriens can take out the Mars attack aliens, they can take out Diddy. Yeah.
I think that if Diddy is really like, if you're going to fight all of these boys, the thing about boys, again, they just keep showing up. And anybody can be a larrikin,

you just have to just give up

living in society. Yeah.
Well, as a child.

Yes. You can't be an old larrikin.

And you have to be a good, an old larrikin is

a bastard. Yeah.

A convict,

a criminal, a drifter,

many different things, yeah.

And I think, at the end of the day,

I think before Diddy even opens his

fucking mouth, I think a larrikin hits him in the head with a slingshotted rock, and he goes down, and they just beat him to death. You don't think he doesn't have a gun on him at all times? He might have a gun.
He might. But at this point, we've just been using oil.
But that's the thing, is that Did Diddy by the strategy that you put forth, Diddy's strategy is to try to bring the kids in. He's going to try to manipulate them.
He's going to smooth talk them. Yeah, he's going to smooth talk them.
He's not going to come out with a gun. I think the larrikins get him in the head with the rock and that's really all you need.
A well-placed rock. As soon as they get their fill of pigs in a blanket and the mimosas going around.
Do you think that's what they have at Diddy's parties? Pigs in a blanket? Yes. That's what I'm saying.
The little spinach triangles. When they are filled with the spinach triangles, they've already served their purpose at the party.
They've gotten the free food and the booze that they wanted. That's the only reason why they're there.
They don't care about the women. They're sexless.
Yeah, and I think at the end of the day, after they kill Diddy, they take over his empire and they run it into the ground. Oh, yeah.
They spent all the money very quickly on pinball machines, a bunch of sour candy. Bad boy entertainment.
Yeah! Yeah! And the Larrikins formed the real one. That's it.
Yeah, Larrikins formed the real bad boy entertainment. And ladies and gentlemen, that was the fourth annual Last Podcast on the left.
March Madness of Murder and Mayhem, Wild Card Edition. One of the craziest tournaments we've ever had in the entirety of this tournament that we've been doing over the years.
My God, that was a hell of a day. It was a hell of a night.
I know we're going to hear the end of it, but that's why we want you. Chime in.
Side stories, L-P-O-T-L at gmail.com. Where did we get it right? Where did we get it wrong? And what? Next week.
I mean, next year. When we do this again.
We are terrified of larrikins. That thing is the one thing we've decided.
There's nothing in this world that scares us more than 14-year-old boys. I don't like it.
They unpredictable and they are unstoppable. Because we can't do anything about them.
I can't hit them. I can't, like, you know...
That's the thing is you fight back against the larrikins. You go to jail.
That's the thing. Is that, like, yeah, sure.
A well-placed strike of an SUV can kill a lot of larrikins. Yeah.
Oh, man, he does plenty of Escalades. Yeah.
If we want to talk about this again. I just don't think there's too many of them.
Yeah. Wow.
This is just... I love us.
Yeah, as do I. This is our best work.
Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. If you want to see this and all of our episodes in video form, you can see absolutely on the video that every single one of our matchups were completely and totally random.
Pulled it from this cup that I'm holding right here. Nothing fixed here.
Nothing fixed. You can also check us out at Last Podcast on the Left on TikTok and Instagram and go check out all of our streams at twitch.tv slash LPN TV.
And don't forget to come see us on tour. Yeah, baby.
We're going to be in Detroit on April 18th. And then we're going to be after that.
We're going to Toronto on May 3rd and Atlanta on June 28th. And then after that, we got a whole bunch of more shows about to be announced.
So make sure you check that out. Also, come check me out.
I'm in Florida right now. Let's hang out.
I'm going to be in Jacksonville on the 20th.

I'm going to be in Panama

City on the 21st and 22nd

and in Tallahassee

with Danny Bedrosian of Parliament Funkadelic

at the 926 Bar and Grill

on March 23rd. You're not

going to want to miss that. That's going to be an amazing

show. Coming back to the old

stomping grounds in the very room

I started comedy. It's going to be so much fun, Mac.
And I can't wait to do, we're going to have fun Orlando and Fort Lauderdale. That's right.
In May. They're going to be fucking great.
May 7th and 8th, we're going to be in Fort Lauderdale, Danga Beach for side stories, and on May 8th, we're going to be in Orlando at the Funny Bone. Fuck that, Ed.
Hail Satan, everyone. Hail Gein.
And make sure to remember, always fight for freedom. Yeah.
Hail Telecom. I'm doing it.
You're allowed. I miss him.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that happened.
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