The Real Housewives of Antifa

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What's up, Los Angeles?

Welcome to Love It or Leave It Live at Dynasty Typewriter.

It is wonderful to see all of you for our

quarterly Antifa board meeting.

Kennedy's going to take the minutes.

We'll start with new business.

Any new business?

Got George Soros on Zoom.

George, you're on mute.

We've got a great show for you tonight.

Phoebe Robinson is here.

We're going to talk about sugar daddies and salty grandpas.

Daniel Schneider, I don't know why.

Daniel Schneider is here.

And we wouldn't dare throw stones at Glass Housewives.

And at the end, we all tuck our napkins in our shirts and cut into a little slice of beef.

That sounded weird.

It'll be fine.

It's about beefs, you know?

Talking about beefs.

But first, let's get into it.

What a week.

Now, last weekend, federal judge Karen Immergut, a Trump appointee,

temporarily blocked the administration from sending troops to Portland, Oregon, writing: This country has a long-standing and foundational tradition of resistance to government overreach, especially in the form of military intrusion into civil affairs.

This historical tradition boils down to a simple proposition: this is a nation of constitutional law, not martial law.

Like Trump, the founding fathers had tertiary syphilis and and thought owning slaves was cool, but that is where the similarities end.

On Sunday, Amergood issued a new broader order preventing Trump from deploying any state's National Guard troops to Oregon after the administration tried to weasel around her earlier order by sending hundreds of California National Guard members instead.

Sending Californians to Oregon against our will, forcing us to change our mental models in which there is literally nothing north of San Francisco, and Mount Shasta is the start of an unmapped, untamed wilderness that we know as the North that extends to Alaska and then the North Pole.

That's fascism.

On Monday, the state of Illinois and city of Chicago sued the Trump administration.

Here's what Illinois Governor J.B.

Pritzker said.

I'm not afraid.

I am not afraid, and I won't back down.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That was actually from just before he tackled Fat Rosie's El Patron Gordo burrito challenge in Naperville.

Let's go to what he actually said about this.

The state of Illinois is going to use every lever at our disposal to resist this power grab and get NOAM's thugs the hell out of Chicago.

Hell yeah.

Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced Monday that all city-owned property will become ice-free zones where federal immigration agents were prohibited from carrying out raids.

Ice-free zone?

What is this?

A glass of water in Europe?

Thank you.

After a Biden-appointed judge declined to intervene, 200 Texas National Guard troops arrived in Illinois while about 300 Illinois troops prepared to deploy to Chicago.

Imagine the fucking freak out if Texas suddenly found troops setting foot in their state uninvited from Illinois.

Imagine how many militias would pop up called the Waco Skull fuckers.

Like overnight.

Meanwhile, Trump repeatedly threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act if Democratic governors and the courts keep defying him.

We have an insurrection act for a reason.

If I had to enact it, I'd do that.

If people were being killed and courts were holding us up or governors or mayors were holding us up, sure, I'd do that.

We have an insurrection act for a reason, like in case I accidentally appoint a judge who went to law school or if a mayor is black.

On Wednesday, Trump wrote on True Social, Chicago mayor should be in jail for failing to protect ICE officers, Governor Pritzker also.

And Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, dodged a question about it.

Should they be in prison?

Should the mayor of Chicago and the governor of Illinois be in prison?

I'm not the Attorney General.

I'm the Speaker of the House, and I'm trying to manage the chaos here.

I'm not following the day-to-day on that.

What a fucking weasel.

Should my political opponents be jailed?

I'm not the Attorney General.

Should we nuke the moon?

I'm not a scientist.

Should a man feel an electric pounding in his chest, a pulsing tingle in his fingertips, a flush in his face that he can't gulp down when those rippling midshipmen climb the Herndon Monument?

I'm not a doctor.

Also, on Wednesday, Trump hosted a White House roundtable on Antifa where Attorney General Pam Bondi offered this.

Just like we did with cartels, we're going to take the same approach, President Trump, with Antifa.

Destroy the entire organization from top to bottom.

Tough day for Antifa's board of directors.

Good luck killing something that only exists in your minds.

Up here in my brain, I'm fully bald and I'm still in the dressing room of a Long Island Boys department waiting for the store clerk to hand my mom a pair of slacks from the Husky department.

A Husky section.

Actually, this is a real story, which is I was in the dressing room.

I don't remember what led to this moment.

Those parts of the memory are gone, but I'm in it.

And you know, it was those, it was like

a boys' clothing store that used to exist.

I don't know if it still does.

I'm an old man now, but the

but the it was the one where like there's a two little, the two, the swinging doors, and I could just see the slit, and I saw the person that worked at the store go up to my mother and whisper, I'm afraid he's going to need the husky.

Anywho,

here's what the president had to say.

They have been very threatening to people, but we're going to be very threatening to them, far more threatening to them than they ever were with us, and that includes the people that fund them.

So we're going to be looking very strongly at the people that are funding these operations.

So I have the secret annex behind my bookcase bookcase all ready to go, but George Soros told me he can't fall asleep in a room without a Brancusi.

And it's like, buddy, maybe worry less about a bird in space and more about a Hungarian in prison.

Okay, so let me walk you through what happened there.

The original draft of the joke, written by a reasonable and good comedy writer, had a da Vinci, and me, because I'm fucking broken, decided to Google most expensive statue sales, which led me to Brancusi, someone I remember from Art History 101, as someone who evolved

the form of the statue to these extenuated, kind of abstracted, but still related to real animals.

And one of them was a bird, a really stretched-out bird that was called Bird in Space.

I remembered this and I thought, oh, that'll be fucking perfect.

That's exactly what comedy is.

Homeland Security Secretary and woman whose injector told her therapist she hates confrontation,

Christy Noam.

I just have problems saying no to people.

And I think it's affecting my work.

Christy Noam

jumped in with this.

This network of Antifa is just as sophisticated as MS-13, as TDA, as ISIS, as Hezbollah, as Hamas, as all of them.

They are just as dangerous.

They have an agenda to destroy us, just like the other terrorists we've dealt with for many, many years.

Antifa is just as dangerous as Hamas.

Occupy Wall Street couldn't hold Zuccotti Park for two months once it got cold and they banned applause because it was distressing to vulnerable groups.

Noam also made this baffling claim.

One of the individuals we arrested recently in Portland was the girlfriend of one of the founders of Antifa, and that we are hoping that as we go after her, interview her, and prosecute her, we will get more and more information about the network and how we can root them out.

Unfortunately, the interrogation won't go anywhere because the woman in question is a 93-year-old telegraph operator from a village in Kent near Chartwell who lied about fucking Winston Churchill to impress an immigration officer in 1973, and she just had to keep up the story ever since.

Because her boyfriend founded Antifa.

Winston Churchill, huh?

He's on the Antifa board of directors, along with FDR

and Stalin.

But we don't.

You know.

Trump said this about unlawful detentions.

Have you given any more thought to possibly suspending Ambias Corpus to not only deal with these insurrectionists across the nation, but also to continue rapidly deporting illegal aliens.

Is suspending who?

ABS Corpus.

I don't know.

I'd rather leave that to Christie.

I'd rather leave that to Christie, said no one looking for a pet sitter.

At the Trump Ballikin contest this week, what used to be known as the cabinet meeting, Noam offered this.

And then I was in Portland, went out and back on Tuesday, and met with the governor, met with the mayor, met with the chief of police and the superintendent of the Highway Patrol.

They are all lying and disingenuous and dishonest people.

Portland, disingenuous.

There are many things you can say about the people of Portland, but what you see is what you get.

They do not put on airs.

They don't even put on deodorant.

But don't worry, the cabinet meeting wasn't entirely about eating ass and cracking down.

There's two studies that show children who are circumcised early have double the rate of autism.

It's highly likely because they're given Tylenol.

This is obviously ridiculous.

If being circumcised made you autistic, then why are all the prom kings Jewish?

And lots of people have very specific rules about what foods can't touch each other.

Speaking of people who love rules, the Democrats are fighting back in Congress after refusing to provide the votes to fund the government without concessions on health care.

The conventional wisdom was that Democrats would be blamed the way Republicans were blamed for a shutdown when they were in the minority.

But that's not what's happening.

A week into the shutdown, polling shows Republicans taking just as much heat, in part because, as CBS reported, 75% of people do not believe the Trump administration is focusing enough on lowering prices.

And Democrats have made the shutdown a referendum on health care costs.

And in what can only be described as a rift in the space-time continuum, the Democratic strategy appears to be working.

On Monday, Georgia Congresswoman and broken clock, Marjorie Taylor Greene,

turned on her Republican colleagues and demanded action on expiring Obamacare subsidies to prevent premiums from spiking.

Look, Marjorie Taylor Greene, first you flipped a tire and then you flipped our hearts.

Here's what Green said on social media.

Not a single Republican in leadership talked to us about this or has given us a plan to help Americans deal with their health premiums doubling.

In fairness to Republicans and leadership, they've got to really psych themselves up before talking to Marjorie about anything.

Here's MTG on CNN on the bad advice Trump is getting.

Well, I don't think it's good advice that a government shutdown is going to help Republicans in the midterms.

I don't agree with that.

I also don't think it's good advice that Republicans ignoring the health insurance crisis is going to be good for midterms.

I actually think that would be very bad for midterms.

Perhaps Marjorie Taylor Greene is turning over a new leaf.

And from now on, we can expect a more thoughtful, considered...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This just in.

I'm getting late-breaking word that Marjorie Taylor Greene is screaming about Rabbi Gavin Newsom while guzzling the liquid from a magic eight ball.

Speaking of outlook not so good, from 4.15 p.m.

to 10 p.m.

on Monday, there were no air traffic controllers at Burbank Airport, resulting in flight delays and cancellations.

More like the Bob, hope this plane Doesn't Crash Airport.

But for those five hours and 45 minutes in that glorious moment, LAX was the best airport in Los Angeles.

According to multiple reports, due to all the chaos, it was taking some travelers at Burbank as long as 50 seconds to get to their gates.

Air traffic controllers are considered essential government employees and have to work without pay during the shutdown.

But Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy said there has been a slight uptick in sick calls.

Come on, air traffic controllers.

We need somebody to blow on that giant floppy disc we still use to keep the airplanes up in the sky.

We're sorry you're not being paid.

We are sorry we failed to invest in technology to upgrade our air traffic control system for decades.

And we're sorry about 1999's pushing tin, which just happened to fall in the post-slingblade afterglow, where we thought Billy Bob Thornton, while a great actor, was right for everything.

And we were wrong.

We were just wrong.

We got too excited in that moment about Billy Bob Thornton.

And we can't fix that, but we can just express our apologies for 1999's pushing 10.

Slightly more recognizable than Brancusi.

Republicans on their heels over healthcare are trying hardball tactics, claiming federal workers may not get their back pay, despite the law explicitly guaranteeing it, and promising to target Democrats to feel the pain of the shutdown.

Here's Trump at the cabinet meeting Thursday.

And we'll be making cuts that will be permanent.

And we're only going to cut Democrat programs.

I hate to tell you.

They're only coming for the Democrat programs.

RIP to the Small Business Administration's loan program for barbershops that only do lesbian fades.

RIP to the public library fund that lets kids read to drag queens.

RIP to the grant program that pays people to tweet at me personally every time I have a Starbucks cup on the table during a Pod Save America recording.

RIP to the Education Department's pilot project, American History Oops All Slavery.

So what happens next?

Well, a new CBS poll found that a majority of voters view the Republican Party as strong and extreme, with majorities describing the Democratic Party as weak and ineffective.

A funding fight about health care is a story about Republicans being extreme.

If Democrats cave, it's a story about Democrats being weak and ineffective.

I was ambivalent, to be honest, about what Democrats should do.

Why shut the government?

when Republicans are failing without our help?

Why make the fight over health care funding when there are massed agents in the streets, when the administration is lawlessly cutting funding passed by Congress, when we have a president openly targeting his political enemies and brazenly corrupting the office?

How can we fund a government that's out of control?

And if we do get concessions on healthcare, aren't we helping Republicans avoid the pain and blowback of their own policies?

But we made the fight over healthcare, and now we have to win that fight.

And not only do we have to win it, we have to win it in such a way that the American people understand who got it done.

Can we do that?

Can Democrats do that?

I genuinely don't know, but it seems to me that America's problem isn't failing to understand what Trump represents, it's a failure to appreciate what we represent.

And given how Republicans have abdicated all responsibility, if we want to defend our democracy against Trump, we have to win the midterms.

That also means unrigging the midterms.

And so I just want to take a moment to remind everybody, Republicans in Texas, they are gerrymandering their way to five more House seats in the midterms.

Prop 50 here in California is how we fight back by allowing California to redraw our maps and match those gains.

Because if we don't take back the House, the CO of Antifa told me no bonuses this year.

Absentee ballots are heading out right now in California.

Drop boxes are open.

Early in-person voting starts October 25th.

Talk to your friends, reach out to a crust.

Use this to remind your ex that you're thriving or that you're desperate.

Either way, you can find more information at votesaveamerica.com/slash prop 50.

Get everybody in your life to make sure they get those ballots in, that they vote yes on Prop 50.

We got to do this to give ourselves a fighting chance to take back the House.

And if we do, we can win it.

As we saw this week, Republicans will never hold this administration accountable.

Attorney General and person who is 20 minutes late for your lunch and mad at you about the traffic, Pam Bondi,

appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee this week and refused to answer questions on a wide range of Trump administration scandals.

My question was, what became of the $50,000 in cash that the FBI delivered, evidently in a paper bag, to Mr.

Homan?

Senator, I'd look at your facts.

Are you saying that they did not deliver $50,000 in cash to Mr.

Homan?

Senator, as recently stated, the investigation of Mr.

Homan was subjected to a full review.

They found no evidence of wrongdoing.

That's a different question.

What became of the $50,000?

Did the FBI get it back?

Mr.

Whitehouse, excuse me, Senator Whitehouse, you're welcome to talk to the FBI.

The report to you, can't you answer this question?

Did

Homan keep the $50,000?

She doesn't ever answer.

It's so easy to say no.

In the part where, when

Pamboni is going back and forth with Schiff,

she redounds to, look, man, this was before my time.

Before my time, if Homan didn't take the cash, that's a terrible answer for him, right?

I want you all to know something.

If I am ever in a sting operation with FBI agents dressed up as contractors trying to bribe me and I say no to $50,000 in cash, tell everybody about it.

Besides, I do think Tom Homan's new Birkenbag speaks for itself.

When Illinois Senator Dick Durbin pressed Bondi to justify Trump's deployment of the National Guard, Bondi said this.

The National Guard is on the way right now as we speak.

Oh, by the way, so is Director Patel and Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche.

You're sitting here grilling me, and they are on their way to Chicago to keep your state safe.

Madam Attorney General, it's my job to grill you.

And it's my job to grill you, said a coquettish J.B.

Pritzker to the biggest killbasa you've ever seen.

I want to go for a meal with J.B.

Pritzker.

I feel like I could surprise him.

I feel like I could really, I feel like I like, you know, I don't take the Manjaro for a week or two.

I'm back, baby.

I'm back, baby.

I genuinely do.

I mean this.

I'm like realizing this is a genuine desire that I have.

I would like to go to Illinois and impress J.B.

Pritzker with the amount of food I can eat.

Meanwhile, after prosecutors in her own office refused to pursue the charges, Trump's new DOJ stooge, Lindsey Halligan, had to recruit outside prosecutors to take James Comey to trial.

Luckily, they're plentiful around stop drains and standing pools of water.

Last week, an FBI agent was suspended after refusing to arrange a perp walk of James Comey in front of news cameras.

And this obviously sucks because it's obviously terribly wrong, but that perp walk also would have been for me.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

It's wrong.

Wrong?

Comey was subsequently arraigned on Wednesday with no perp walk.

After all, explaining the FBI, we didn't realize how tall he was, and we got scared.

And then on Thursday, Halligan's hooligans indicted New York Attorney General Tish James on charges of bank fraud.

Halligan herself had to present evidence to the grand jury.

This follows reports that Elizabeth Usi, who oversees major criminal prosecutions in that district, reportedly believed there wasn't enough evidence to justify charges.

But if you want a job done right, you got to do it yourself, said Lindsey Halligan, while asking Chat GPT for advice on what to wear to a grand jury and accidentally emailing her opening statement to a woman named Pam Bonstein in Phoenix, Arizona.

Both Tish James and James Comey have said the prosecutions against them are politically motivated, which won't be be a very hard case to make because a new Wall Street Journal story claims that last month's True Social Post, in which Trump demanded that Bondi go after Comey and his other enemies was intended to be a direct message and that Trump was surprised to learn it had been public.

I am surprised to learn that the president writes that way privately and he is talking to his attorney general through the fucking instant messenger on Truth Social.

It's unbelievable.

It's Trump's first ever mistake.

Speaking of guys on a roll, the Nobel Peace Prize winner is set to be announced on Friday.

Trump got his submission in Under the Wire announcing a peace deal between Hamas and Israel Wednesday evening.

You'll know more than me because by the time this episode comes out, we'll already know who won the Nobel Peace Prize, but I'm assuming he didn't win.

And then he vowed to burn Norway to the ground.

Is that what happened?

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu posted an AI image of Trump winning the Nobel Peace Prize in celebration, tweeting, give Donald Trump the Nobel Peace Prize.

He deserves it.

Look, Benjamin Netanyahu is a monster.

And so this is beside the point.

But can we follow the logic on this, please?

The more Trump is deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize, that means the harder it was to get you, Benjamin Netanyahu, to stop raising Gaza and murdering civilians.

It's not like the Pakistani Taliban was like, big ups to Malala, you've got this, girl.

The Nobel Institute released a statement saying the winner was already decided Monday, reportedly out of a fear that Trump's reprisal would follow against Norway because he's going to lose the Nobel Peace Prize.

Give me your nicest guy award or I'll fucking destroy you.

Seems like a weird strategy, but if it didn't work, why did everybody thank Harvey Weinstein at the Oscars?

I will also say, just in all seriousness, I really hope that the deal holds to end the senseless killing and destruction in Gaza, to return the hostages, to see some glimmer of hope.

And if there's any part of you that feels conflicted about that because it looks like Trump is getting credit, don't think of it as a deal that makes Trump look good.

Think of it as a deal that makes Joe Biden look even worse.

I don't understand where your head's at.

And again, I've said this to audiences.

If you're not where I am now,

that's fine.

Catch up.

My darkness is a week or two ahead of yours.

And maybe America's great liberal audience of people will for once, over the next year or two, figure out how to stop being both the most completely informed and consistently surprised human beings on earth.

That is my hope for us.

Is that possible?

Do you think that we as a group of people that credit ourselves as being the most informed might also take a look as to why we are also continuously the most shocked?

Is there something to interrogate in that?

I've taken a job at Barry Weiss's CBS.

No.

And finally, Taylor Swift has released a new album, The Life of a Showgirl, and it's set off quite a stir.

One song in particular called Wood sure seems to be an ode to Travis Kelsey's Big Ol Schlong.

Travis was flattered, but being a man, he would have rather the song be about how big his podcast is.

Considering the renowned guys that Taylor Swift has dated, it's hard not to take it as a backhanded insult to the many other penises of her famous exes.

Not Carly Kloss, though, obviously,

because she has a huge dick.

And get this, we have unearthed the unreleased lyrics that were cut from the song for being too specific.

And so I will share them now.

Taylor Lautner, more like Taylor Notta Lautner.

Tom Hiddleston,

more like Tom Littleston.

And finally, Joe Alwin,

more like Joe all balls.

Next up, Phoebe Robinson is just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to pay her.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

That thing that says, I will not accept this world that is.

While it drives us to create what could be,

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and we're back

please welcome to the Sage the one girl boss to rule them all it's the hilarious Phoebe Robinson

Welcome it's good to see you thank you for being here

please how's everybody doing

hi

how you doing i'm i'm good i'm happy to be here look at look at all this you got you got this screen you got this audience

you're doing it

yeah

thanks for saying that so you have you're doing it as well yes you have a new special it is called i don't want to work anymore

no

right it's like working is so ghetto i'm like please I can't do this shit anymore.

Oh, God.

On her album, Life of a Show Girl, Taylor Swift asked the question, did you girl boss too close to the sun?

Do you feel as though you've girl bossed too close to the sun?

I just,

she is so tiresome.

I,

you know, I mean, I was a workaholic for a long time.

So I, I, yeah, I think, you know, coming up in the early aughts, it was all like, everybody hustle, get on your grind, like you're going to be doing all the things.

And I just got to a point where I was like, Is this all worth it?

I don't feel like I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

I'm just like, check on to the next thing, check on to the next thing.

So it just felt a little bit like not joyful anymore.

Oh, counterpoint.

I don't think that matters.

I think you should keep working.

I know, but I'm tired.

Listen, yeah, yeah, no, but you here's the thing: Stephen King wrote an article about being super prolific, and it stuck with me forever because he said Shakespeare wrote a lot of plays, but he hasn't written one in 400 years.

Everyone's dry spell lasts till the heat, death of the universe.

Stephen,

I love you, Stephen, but as a black woman, I've had to work twice as hard all the time.

I am literally 87 at this point.

I'm exhausted.

Yeah, but if you wrote half as many books as Stephen King, it would be still a lot of books.

Yeah, yeah.

He's so talented.

I love you, Steve.

But yeah.

You talk about

about like speaking of the repercussions of like having to work 24-7 to make to to maintain your empire,

as a boy boss myself, I like to think we get to work 24-7.

I know, I know, I know.

It's always you get to do the thing.

That's what I tell myself when I, you know, marathon training.

I get to run 15 miles today.

I get to do it.

Do you marathon training?

Yeah, I'm training for Philadelphia.

I did Berlin.

Thank you.

I did Berlin like, what,

three weeks ago?

And so now I'm doing Philadelphia in seven weeks and then London next April.

You fucking

are so full of shit.

What do you mean?

Oh, I'm so sick of working.

I guess I'll find a hobby of being a crazy runner who works all the time at my hobby.

No, but I don't know.

I run a marathon.

It is a job.

It is, but it is so joyful.

I feel like I've become so mentally resilient.

And like,

I think I didn't have any hobbies, like, all I did was like work, like, everything I was doing, I found a way to monetize it.

And running just really was like, I would see people running around Prospect Park, and I was like, I just want to be one of those people who gets to just trot along and do a loop.

And I would, my intention was not to do marathons, I was just like, oh, I'll do like a 5K or a 10K, and it just sort of yeah, because you got that thing.

Well, what happened is, um, what happened was, I um, I'm on the board of this nonprofit called Red Read Comedy Festival.

Yes, I am.

I

picked all of the, all my faves to do that.

I can't believe that.

I was like, guys, just like, just turn the money down.

It's like, okay, to just turn the money down.

Like, it's truly fine to just say no thanks.

Yeah, but saying that is like saying that to a West World robber, Westworld robot.

Like, I'm sorry, that doesn't mean anything to me.

I know, but I'm just like, I just, when I see stuff like that, I'm like, how much money do you need to earn that will fill up the hole in your heart?

And there's just like not enough.

So just like, don't do it.

Yeah.

And go to therapy.

Like, go to therapy.

Yeah.

Talk to friends.

Go for a walk.

Have some sort of like values that you stick with.

Like, everything's just a fucking moving target.

And I'm like, what is the point?

If everything is slippery, if you like, don't stand for anything.

Like, what are, what are you doing?

Yeah, I agree with you.

Yeah.

It sounds like, do you agree with me?

I 100% agree with you

i really do makes man i don't know why i'm saying this weird way but i interrupted you because you were talking about the nonprofit board you were on yeah so i'm on the board of uh for red which is co-founded by uh bobby shriver and bono and they asked me when i was in vegas for my birthday and i had just like seen magic mic live they were like would you want to run the boston marathon for charity and i'm like truly got dry humped for like two hours so i was like yes, I will do it.

And I like just didn't, you know,

I knew it was like the big marathon, but I just didn't, you know, and then I was in it.

That's so cool.

And I loved it.

And what was crazy about it, I was like, I was running it with a chest cold and it was like mile four.

And I was like, oh, I would totally do this again.

I was like, I would do another marathon like tomorrow.

And I was like, oh, no, girl.

You in trouble.

I love, I did the Marine Corps Marathon

a while ago.

Where's that?

In D.C.,

I lived in D.C., so it's over 10 years ago now.

And I loved

the feeling of knowing that, like, I'm going to walk out of my house and I'm going to run to Maryland and back.

And I'm going to be gone for like two and a half hours and I'm going to run the whole time.

Well, you ran it in two and a half hours.

No, no, no, no.

Like, like when I'm training, like doing a 13.

Like, no, no.

Okay, got it.

Absolutely not.

It depends on how you count.

I don't include the time where I had to hide under the Jefferson Memorial to go to the bathroom.

Was it a one or a two?

I

you don't have to go under the Jefferson Memorial for a one.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh

I see well you got to take a modium.

That's the thing is you take a modium an hour before you run.

Uh-huh.

This is the thing like so much of running is about pooping.

It really is

getting the schedule right.

It's the whole thing.

And I want you to know that there is no problem that a modium could cause that wouldn't be better than what I did

behind the Jefferson Memorial, who is an overrated president, but didn't deserve what I did.

Oh, you poor, you know what?

I'm proud of you.

So I consider my time to be

five minutes shorter.

Do you listen to something or did you raw dog it?

I make a playlist for every marathon.

It's great.

And so like Berlin, I was like you know i was like oh i'll put like some bow young because he like recorded you know some albums out there like so i try to have it joint uber alis yeah i try to have like some things that are like that are like thematically you know like like when i ran new york it was like obviously you gotta have like biggie you gotta have like jay-z you know what i mean so i try to do it yeah that's so cool yeah

Thank you.

I try to be cool.

No, I don't.

I actually don't try to be cool.

And I think that's why I end up maybe cool because I just like, I don't care.

I don't, I'm 41.

I don't care anymore.

I just don't.

Yeah.

I,

yeah, you're, you're, you're evolved.

Yeah.

But no, do you really feel like, oh, I, I got, I got to care about like strangers' opinions?

Like, you don't.

It's like, I don't.

I, here's what I, I, what I feel, honestly, is

I want to

remain interested and interesting.

Yeah.

I want to understand

the balance between

trying to remain curious and

open to change and new ways of doing things without trying to be young.

And that is a hard thing to do the older we get.

That's my feeling of it.

And it is a delicate thing to try to like to change with the world while still growing in such a way that you make use of the only cool thing about getting older to me, which is an understanding of time and relationships to time that are more,

that are deeper because you've experienced people for longer and change for longer.

Does that make sense?

Yeah, but it's also like the old, that was so great, but it's also like the older you get, it's like you just have a, at least for me, I have such a greater understanding of myself

that there is

an unshakability about me that like didn't exist when I was 25.

Like I was just too insecure.

I I was too much, like, oh, what's my place?

Like, where do I go?

What do I do?

Who's going to like me?

Blah, blah, blah.

And now it's just sort of like, I'm always like, consider the source.

It's like, do I even respect the person that in my

20s, I would have been trying to impress?

It's like, no.

So like, why?

They're not a factor in my life.

So once I just distill it to like the people I really respect and I love and cherish and they, and vice versa, that they feel that way about me, it just, I don't know, I feel like life is just actually less complicated.

I agree with that.

And I do feel a way in which allowing yourself to know yourself

and without the blinders of the version you want to be, but actually more accepting of who you actually are is very, very valuable.

And I feel that.

My challenge, I think, is

if

you are kind of

like kind of letting go of those layers of performance and all the rest, I think what happens at the bottom of that is you are more nuanced and less certain about the world, right?

You have less, I think your opinions get less firm.

Like maybe you know yourself better, but I think you feel a little less assured of simple statements about the world.

And I find as someone who's talking about politics all the time, that it's a balance between being open to nuance, but also understanding that like you better put a stake in the ground and don't allow yourself to be, even as you feel more confident in who you are and less confident about the world, you still have to make sure you have a firm opinion.

And And that, that to me is like a challenge about getting older too.

Yeah.

But I think it's all got, we're getting show deep, but I think,

no, but I think that's, that's like one of the joys of like getting older is that you go like, oh, I actually

like, I know more and less at the same time.

It's like so weird and fun and interesting.

And I kind of,

at least for me, because I'm a Libra, Scorpio, Moon, Pisces, whatever.

So there's a lot of, like, I

want to have this semblance of control.

And like, the older I get, I go, I really can't control anything but myself.

And that is actually freeing because you spend less energy trying to control every situation, every outcome.

Like, if I do X, Y, Z, then this is going to happen in my career or my relationship or whatever.

And you just sort of go, I am going to do X, Y, Z.

Who the fuck knows what's going to happen out of that?

And sometimes you're surprised by it.

Other times you're disappointed.

But I feel like that is sort of the beauty of life: it is just kind of like a grab bag, you know?

Yeah, that's beautiful.

And speaking of grabbing,

grab me some DX.

No.

In your special, you talk about.

I know, why did I say that?

I should have kept it in my head.

I don't even know.

I don't even know.

Yeah, you do.

But in your special, you talk about wanting a sugar daddy.

Yeah.

And so it's time for a segment we're calling Age is Just a Routing Number.

Yes.

Oh, that's so cute.

So here's how it's going to work.

Okay.

We're going to present you two sugar daddies.

You're going to choose one or the other.

Love it.

And then whichever one you choose is going to move on to the next round.

All right.

Ooh.

Also, it's like March Madness, but for old dick.

Sure.

Okay.

I love it.

I'm a sporty girl, so I got to.

So first, you have to choose between Elon Musk,

richest man in the world,

maybe in love with a sexy chat bot.

We're not quite sure.

There are also some downsides.

You would be a step parent

of a lot of kids.

He has like 13 kids, right?

That we know of.

Or

Rupert Murdoch, age 94, okay, upside.

Maybe knock, knock, knocking on heaven's door a little bit more than okay.

I know my choice.

I know my choice.

I know.

Okay, so here, here the thing is they're both truly literal hell um but he's gonna die sooner so it's like i i work my magic i get in the will i fucking you know cash out with like 20 mil when he kicks the bucket that's a that's a great investment oh that's a no it's a no-brainer and i'm not gonna have to fuck him his dick don't work

So it's like, I just have to go to like some events with him, like the New Yorker Festival.

I can do that.

You close your eyes, you think of England, you know?

All right.

Rupert Murdoch or Senator Mitch McConnell.

Smile that lights up a room.

Estimated wealth between 30 million and 50 million.

I can't.

Falls down a lot.

He is.

Mitch is so

revolting.

I think it's Rupe.

Of course it is.

Yeah.

Of course it is.

And here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

He has had an interesting life.

Yeah.

He'd be an interesting person to ask questions to at dinner, you know?

Yeah.

On the boat.

He's had four wives, right?

Yeah.

At least.

He's definitely the drama.

But,

okay.

Yeah.

I'm sticking with Rupe.

Rupert Murdoch or Jeff Bezos?

Third richest man on the planet.

You go to space.

You can stay up there.

The space is bullshit.

They didn't go to space.

They didn't.

Too low.

Yeah, I was like, you guys just like hung out for like 11 minutes and fucking cosplay in some astronaut suits.

Like, you weren't like astronauts.

Like, I hated it.

They were like, they're like, we're doing this.

So, young girls, and I'm like, young girls can look up to actual fucking female astronauts, you fucking narcissists.

Okay, you guys, this is like really.

How old is Jeff?

He's uh six uh I lost that card, but um 61, he's 61.

He's 61.

No, but the only reason why I'm even remotely considering this is be

are you from Australia?

Yes, so they've been dealing with this guy for half a century.

Oh, I'm just saying

the the he is a piece of garbage,

but

he,

this is a rumor that I heard that he wanted to buy Vogue for his wife,

which I think is really sweet.

Like, listen, girls, no one's buying anything for me.

But

I still think I got to go with the person who's going to die sooner.

It's Rupe.

It's Rube.

All right.

Because Rupert's like 92, right?

It was somewhere in that range.

Yeah.

Maybe 89.

What'd you say?

He's got kids.

He's got kids.

What?

He's going to put me in the will.

These old men are dumb.

He will put me in the fucking will.

The kids will deal.

Yeah.

Next up, we have Cy the Gangham style guy.

He's age 47.

Okay.

I like his vibe.

He works.

Is he problematic and I don't know?

Seems.

Sorry, the head of their head of coincidence, head of size fan club is here.

I feel like he's cute.

He's known worldwide.

He entertains audiences.

I think I would choose him over.

What's his net worth?

It's, I think, whatever comes in each month from the gang of style.

Because I feel like he does like work a lot.

I think I'm going to go with Sy.

Next up, we have Robert De Niro, age 82.

You guys, listen.

When I was a kid,

I thought Robert De Niro was so hot.

I read like in Godfather Part 2, and I was like, oh, he all gangstery and shooting people.

And like,

I don't know.

I think, and here's the thing: Bobby D worships a black queen, and that feels very cute to me.

Like, he exclusively, like, dates, like, like, he was like trying to date, like, Whitney, like, Whitney Houston, like, elite black women.

So, I feel like he understands quality.

And

I

feel, I feel like

he, but he just had a kid, so his dick does still work.

Which is,

I'm intrigued.

So I think I would like to see what's up.

Robert De Niro.

Yeah, I want to go with Bobby D.

All right.

Okay, so we're at Robert De Niro.

Robert De Niro versus

final choice.

Okay.

Bono.

Who you know.

Who you know, which is cool.

I think I'm, okay, you guys.

He's like my friend.

He sends me flowers on my birthday.

He's a romantic at heart, like I am.

And I feel like we would get along.

Like, I feel like black people and Irish people get along well.

And he's still young enough.

I think I'm going to go with Bono, right?

Bono, Bono, Bono.

All right.

Everybody check out Phoebe's special.

I don't want to work anymore, which I

and I think she does.

When we come back, Danielle Schneider's going to join us.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

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And we're back.

Please welcome to the stage.

You know, I'm from Bitch Sash and Garbage World.

Please welcome Danielle Schneider.

Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Good to see you.

Thank you for being here.

I wanted to talk to you because I've become,

I don't do things halfway.

I know.

I accidentally watched Survivor and so then I went on it.

I was shocked.

And it like, I like, I don't, I don't know,

this is like part of my brokenness.

I've become addicted to Bravo reality shows.

Bless you.

Welcome.

And first of all, I want to say I am sorry.

Thank you.

That I waited this long.

I am sorry.

I didn't understand.

You know, I've been on your show before, John.

I know this.

And every time I sort of felt like you were sort of side-eyeing me like this

this garbage she's talking about you were always sort of not judgmental but you were always like get a load I politics and now here we are and now here we are and again I am sorry thank you because it is

there there is there is writing on the Real Housewise that is better than any recognition I'll never be able to write as good as the things that went on the the Real Housewives of Miami this week

extraordinary extraordinary.

And so I've started interviewing them.

I know.

And I interviewed Terry Dubrow, who I

watched when The Swan aired.

I remember when The Swan aired like whatever, 15 years ago, 12 years ago.

What is your overall sense of Terry Dubrow as a house husband and beyond?

Well, it's funny because I have a sense of him in my life, and then I saw him on your show, and he seems so reasonable.

And he talks a lot about like, oh, the edit, the edit, the edit.

But every time I see Terry Jabot, he's just in like a fitted leather jacket.

No matter the weather,

no matter

the season.

He's always.

And so I always thought that he was a person that was fame hungry.

He has all this money like from, I think, plastic surgery, but does plastic surgery buy you that?

Does it?

You know you can invest well.

And I know like his brother's in like quiet riot or something.

gets the yeah, his brother was in quiet riot.

His brother passed away, but his brother was quiet right.

I don't know what the

quiet riot money or I don't know.

I don't know.

But anyway, so I was like, why are they forcing themselves on this show?

Like, they don't need to, like, a lot of the people in reality TV, like, this is the meal ticket.

Like, this is.

So he doesn't need the money.

I guess it's fame, right?

I asked him about this, and because that was what I, you feel that in the different shows, which is, you know, there's an old like Hollywood aphorism, which is like the most, the richest person in the room is in charge.

And so, like, on some of these shows, these are people that need the income.

On some of them, like, maybe they were wrong to do it.

Sometimes it always feels like they're doing it, like they're doing it like they set a grenade off in their marriage right before they were leaving NAM, you know?

Yeah.

And, um, and like,

uh,

but they, they have enough money.

But I asked him about this and he's like, I think they want that he's, he said this maybe about himself, maybe about others, that like the fame is so intoxicating that being wealthy doesn't stop you from wanting to have the conflicts and the lack of dignity that sometimes comes along with being on these shows.

I know, it's so weird.

I mean, I get it.

I think that they are addicted to fame and, like, they are sort of like, oh, I want people to recognize me.

And it's, and he says it on your show, which is like, it's the perfect amount of recognition because people are nice to you and they, you get like a nice seat somewhere.

But he came off so likable on your show that I've always kind of been like this guy.

I don't like a house husband.

I don't like when the husbands get in on the drama per se.

I'm always like, leave the ladies, leave it to the ladies.

I don't want these men clogging up my airways.

It's interesting.

What do you, because you, you like Salt Lake and you watch Potomac, right?

It's interesting when the men,

when the men show up in the Real Housewives world, it's a reminder as why, as to why like the real house husbands kind of shows haven't worked.

Yeah.

It's because like there's men, when men fight, there's menace.

There's much more menace in their kind of.

It's boredom.

Yeah.

It's not like I'm not scared of their fists.

I'm more just like, you don't have subtleties to your fight.

There's no gray area to your fight.

And there's always just like women will hold a grudge.

Like they're like, we're okay.

And then the next week we're like, we're not okay.

Where men are like, they will fight and then there's like, I guess we're good.

It's like, there's no gray area.

There's no subtlety to their fights.

It's also like for me, a lack of sense of humor, which I think like the best housewives, like Bethany and Lou Ann and Nini, like, they are so devastatingly, right?

They are so funny.

Not Don't forget Giselle.

Yeah, Karen Huger, R-I-P, but now out of prison.

Yeah, and they're so, and

but it really, like, when someone's being really funny, they can, like, really charm you.

And these guys are all kind of like robots and like, they just don't have,

on the whole, I think personally, women are much more interesting than men, just like straight men, just saying, not to be, not to be controversial, but I go on dates and I'm caring.

I'm like, oh, I'm a great conversationalist.

And so

you know what's funny?

I just, I'm sorry, but like, I feel like this is, this has been a recurring theme on this show for years, which is incredibly funny women realizing after years that this wasn't a great date.

I'm a great date.

Yeah.

I'm a great date.

I am so funny.

But anyway, I feel like these guys on the show, like, they don't have interesting personalities.

they're not particularly funny all they all have like a you know a football background so they've been hit in the head a lot so like it's just

they really can't bring much to the table yeah and it's always like the guy has to be as we called in like sitcom riding the go-to meaning like he's always like and he does not care and they can't act it well they're like so how was the bunko night

tell them like how it went like so they just have to be there to sort of facilitate conversation Yeah, so they're really just side characters and I don't like to when they and Terry sometimes tries to put himself as a lead character Which I don't enjoy know your place know your business and shut up.

Yeah

That's how I feel I agree.

Thank you.

Yeah, but see like there's something about like I noticed over the years of these shows, there are people that start on the periphery and they'll kind of work their way into the middle.

And sometimes they go back out to the periphery and then they sometimes come back in.

But part of it, right, is that like

when there are people that have seemed like almost like voids, they don't have a lot to say, they're not a lot of personality.

And then as they move closer to the middle, because they're allowed to be more central to the story, they're more centered in the like they give me an example.

Tom Schwartz in Vanderpump Rules.

Thank you.

Right?

Sure.

But in the early, like, he's almost like a kind of stone face villain in early seasons of that show, kind of popping in, but you don't really know him.

You don't get to see him.

And by the way, also a little bit true of Katie and Kristen in early Vanderpump rules as well, where they're like...

They were sort of Astasi's angels.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

And it's part of it is screen time, but part of it is like, there's something about what happens as you move to the middle where you, they, they, something like unleashes and like they're closer to the camera.

They're, they're literally, I think, shot more.

like you see their faces more.

And sometimes I wonder is like, are we, when people are on the periphery like that and they seem like they don't have personalities, is it that they actually don't and that's why they're not more central?

Or is it because the show is not showing us more of them being interesting, including the husbands?

I think the show gravitates towards light.

And so, when they, when the light comes for them, when something happens, like Kristen is a demon, you know what I mean?

She is a demon incarnate who is now a demon who's a mother.

And she has a kid, she's a child.

God help us all.

She grew up a lot.

She grew up a lot.

Look at you.

She has grown up a lot, though she now is like, she has said, fuck it.

I don't need hair.

I don't need makeup.

I am just doing this.

And I love that about her.

Yeah.

There's so much to say.

But I think the light finds them.

Like, I feel like Kristen has always been who she is.

But when you shine a light, when she has a chance to be her fullest demon self, she comes a lot.

Like, we got to see her, but that was always hidden there.

Like that was there.

So we were just focusing on the wrong person sometimes.

Like and it moves.

Yeah, it's like they're shrinky dinks.

Yeah.

Thank you.

In a sense.

I love that.

You know, you just get them in the Bravo seat.

Put them on the hot seat.

They blow right the fuck up.

So part of why I was interested in this is so I interviewed Sarah McBride on Pate America with John and we were, and she basically talks about the experience now of being in Congress, which is there are people that want to do serious things, but also there are people who have learned from Bravo and learned from reality TV about like, how do you make drama in a moment?

Like if you watch Pam Bondi in being questioned by Adam Schiff in the Senate this week, she does not let him finish a sentence.

And it reminded me of what

Ariana said that Tom Sandoval told her, which is when someone's attacking you, never let them finish a sentence.

And Trump does that.

Pam Bondi did that, which Trump praised in the cabinet meeting.

I don't think you can understand politics right now without understanding sort of like the bravo universe and I'm wondering as someone

are you telling me to run for Congress

first of all yes

but also like you've been you've been kind of like in the like you've been you've been in the trenches of reality TV now for over a decade

I'm gonna cry yes

do you feel politics becoming more like these shows do you did you feel these shows as a harbinger like what

What do you think?

I love that you think I'm so like prescient that I would be like, well, this is what's to come.

But I do think the reality TV has seeped into us as people.

And also it's like commenting on,

it's the same as commenting on Instagram and

commenting, you know, it's like we're all involved in each other's shit.

And I do think that reality TV has made people kind of like bolder to say the things that they're thinking and not just

like you're not keeping, nobody's keeping anything inside anymore.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And I think part of that is because

we don't beat enough ass.

You know what I mean?

Truly.

Like when I was growing up, you would, you would decide who I'm, who I'm going to talk shit and who I'm not because I don't want to get punched in the face.

But now everyone's out here like got throwing shade and being extra sassy and got their comebacks.

And I'm like, if you got slapped in the fucking mouth, you would totally change your behavior.

And all these people, like, I remember, I think when I saw a change, I remember, and this is sorry to get serious.

I was going through some like fertility issues.

I have a kid now, everything's fine.

But I was going through fertility issues, and I was talking to my husband.

I come out of the doctor's office, and I was talking to my husband on a phone, like, kind of like in a, like, crying in Beverly Hills in a corner.

As someone probably thought I was just an actress that didn't get apart.

But, like, which was also true.

Yeah, you can do two things at once.

You can hold two truths.

And so I was like crying and I was talking about reality TV.

I'm not reality TV.

I was talking about my uterus.

Reality TV is the same thing.

And I was just like crying so upset and like probably like sharing personal information to my husband on a phone, like hysterical crying.

And a woman walked past me and goes, oh, we didn't near to hear that.

And I just remember being like, that's so fucking callous.

Like, you're not involved in my business.

I'm in my world having a moment, a private moment that I have to have publicly because we live in the world.

And this woman's saying that, and I was like, that's when I thought reality TV has changed people.

Because so that to me, and that, that, that is in politics, it's everywhere now.

Which is

like someone commenting on something that has nothing,

you know, just living, what you said, like.

That would get your ass beat.

You know, not by me, obviously, they saw that that wasn't going to happen.

But, but you know what I mean?

There's a general lack of empathy and everything is sort of like, I got a hot take and it's not sort of seeing like this is an actual person not someone in a TV who is like entertainment in my world.

It's like you're going through like something real and like I would have been like, oh my God, is everything okay?

Not like awful.

Or walk the fuck away and be like, oh, that poor woman.

Or even like, oh, that one's annoying.

Whatever you have to do.

To yourself.

Yes.

But nobody, they're not keeping it inside anymore.

Well, there's something, there's like, so there's the reality TV show dynamic, there's the social media dynamic, and then, and like, I think the way they they combine is there's kind of a sense that people have that like nobody's, like, nobody's following the rules I was taught, right?

Like, nobody has manners anymore, no one's living the right way anymore.

And like, we're trained both by reality, television, and celebrity culture, which kind of evaluate people all the time, and by social media where we're offering our opinions all the time, that like you have to kind of go out and like

in some way, like command the world to look the way you want it to look.

And that if somebody's out there doing something that you wouldn't do, it's like, it's like an affront to you.

it's like an insult it's an insult to you that this person is behaving in a way that you wouldn't that's like this is why we don't this is like how could they do this i need to tell them i need to tell them that they're doing it the wrong way it's my job to correct them we're too self-centered everything is i i i i i instead of just sort of like everyone is living their lives just focus on your shit and like leave other people alone and also i like like i have had that instinct too that instinct's in me now too when i see someone like on the internet or in the world like behaving poorly And sometimes I think, I'm going to say, and I'm just like, why?

Who the fuck cares?

Like, what does your opinion mean?

Nothing.

But we all feel a little bit better when we get to sit, like, and I do too at reality TV.

I get to sit back and judge these people.

Like, oh, aren't they stupid or crazy?

But like, they're just living their lives.

Like, what do I have to say?

And you watch them also go on this trajectory of like, like,

the kind of like shock of people seeing them and then the effort to control how they look.

And then the kind of like final Pokemon phase of like it's Kristen not caring about hair and makeup.

It's like Luanne being her kind of true and final form.

Luann is, she is, talk about a woman, talk about Life of a Showgirl.

I don't know if anybody saw that, that Taylor, they put Taylor Swift over Luann.

Life of a Showgirl.

That's the best thing I've ever seen.

Like that's, she's my Taylor Swift.

Luanne going from a countess.

Yes.

to a woman accidentally biting the mustard packet inside the bologna sandwich.

She was handed in overnight jail because she was arrested while being drunk for saying to a cop, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

Two, let's go back to up now to a cabaret star.

To a cabaret star.

What a drama.

But

they like at the end of that, they come to the place of

like me or hate me.

Yeah.

Your attention made me for good and for ill, right?

Which brings me

to a segment we're calling beef.

It's what's for culture.

Beef is what's for culture.

I gotta do this.

We gotta.

That's gonna be my, whenever I get married, that will be my wedding invitation.

So I'm gonna run you through some

famous beef, and you say who you think is winning.

All right, first up, Jen Shaw versus the feds.

I mean, she's never looked better.

Is Jen Shaw the new Martha Stewart?

It was hard to say.

Only time will tell.

I don't know.

I just.

She was great TV.

And I'm going to say the feds.

I'm going to say the feds.

But I will say that Jen will...

You know, her and Elizabeth Holmes are sitting there in prison being BFFs.

They're cooking something up.

So time will tell, but yes, the feds.

Yeah,

that's like Lex Luther and the scarecrow being side by side in Arkham.

You know what I mean?

I know they're different worlds.

Shut up.

I know.

Next up, Bethany versus Carol on Real Housewives of New York.

From friends to enemies in 10 seasons.

That was probably

one of the most heartbreaking friendship breakups in the Real Housewives universe.

100%.

And

I

think

Carol was right.

I do too, but it took a journey to get me here because I was sort of Team Bethany at the beginning and watching Bethany's journey from like businesswoman to be strong, like helping out in hurricanes to like now like,

yeah, and then now like going into Dell's and being like, I don't know if I like a tuna sandwich.

You know what I mean?

Okay, first of all, first of all, that's the journey of literally every Jewish woman.

Second,

those cottage cheese bagels that Bethany made,

they're good.

I made them.

I swear to you, this is what it means.

I don't, again, I watch an episode of Survivor, then I'm on Survivor.

I am watching Real Housewives.

Now I'm making the Bethany Frankel cottage cheese bagels.

And you know what?

They're great.

She gives me Trump energy.

In the sense of like manic, manic, manic.

Anyone who says anything is an enemy.

She can't just keep her eyes on her own paper.

She's, she, she She has to burn everything down.

She doesn't have one real friend.

Yeah.

She, you know what I mean?

Especially not women.

Like she cannot,

there is, she's too toxic to be on her side.

Great for TV, but

it's totally Team Carol.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're not.

Wow.

What's your thought?

I don't, I don't, what's going on?

So what?

I love her.

I don't know.

Carol thinks she's better than Bethany.

No.

I like Carol too.

I like them both.

Carol's great.

She was fucking that young sha.

Yeah, she went to the

princess.

She was selling her jeans on Poshmark.

I mean, I love her.

She's fucking funny.

Here's what I felt like, whatever the cause of the actual ending of that friendship, we did not see it is what I felt when I watched what was on television.

Whatever really happened, I don't think we know.

Because it didn't feel like there was enough on

screen or even in the descriptions of it after to help me understand.

They're deeper than they are.

And I don't think they are.

I think Bethany is territorial and exhausting.

And I think someone like Carol, who is like kind of Zen in a way, at first you can like take that energy on, and then you're like, this is too fucking much, dog.

You know what?

Maybe I think sometimes territorial and exhausting people deserve friends too.

And that's all I want to say about that.

Bethany won the beats.

All right.

Next up, Tom Sandoval versus the world.

Oh, yeah.

So

here's the thing.

I didn't watch Vanderpump Rules.

And then the writer strikes happened and I couldn't work.

And I just one day I woke up and I'm like, I think I'm just going to get into it.

And so I started all the way from the beginning and caught all the way up.

And

I,

Tom, like in the beginning, I was like, he's kind of like a little baby angel, like sort of like a little dummy.

He wants to act, but but he doesn't have like the talent to act.

So he's doing the show.

And I'm like, I get that.

I understand that.

He's just trumpet.

Yeah.

And then he just became such a narcissist and like,

fuck boy.

And I just, I,

the world, he is just, he's so bad.

He's just bad news.

You know what?

Maybe it took a couple.

No, no, I took a couple seasons, but that shrinky dinked.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You know,

the truth will come out.

He's really dumb.

And I think as a, as a woman, we can only take a dumb man till we're 33.

And then

we go, you know what?

Time for me to move on.

All right.

Next up, we have Gavin Newsom versus Trump.

Guys,

can I just say, Gavin Newsom, it is so...

He's giving Patrick Bateman, but I also saw a video of him changing a light bulb, and I got so wet.

You know, we're all complex, and I was like, he's tall, and look at him, unscrew that light bulb.

I just,

he's a great man.

I get it.

He's the part of me that would have like dated the president of the school for like a minute.

He would have like let me give him a hand job or something.

And I would have been like, yeah, like he's so slick and like put together, and you know, like he wouldn't like me or my messiness, but I, you know, he would sneak me behind a counter.

I also think he would like

so.

What's amazing about what's happening here is the question wasn't, do you want to fuck out a new song?

And while I appreciate that that is seems to be what you heard, I get

that

both like in it.

We were at Dad's office.

I'm already like in the back of a car with him.

So the question is,

in his political battle with Donald Trump, here are some of his most recent taunts at Trump, in Trump style.

We have

a cosplay.

Christie is in Portland.

Hide your dogs.

There was a why is submissive Stevens so shorty and an AI photo of, of oh yeah, why is submissive Stevens so short?

An AI photo of Trump dressed as Marie Antoinette with a tweet the queen demands sympathy from you peasants

He's throwing shade he he won yeah I think he is I think he's I think he's

it's um there was a uh

there wasn't there wasn't there was

wild

so hot

just grab him by the tie

You know what?

Mess up his hair.

It won't move.

Yes.

He got that shellac down, honey.

The next one was supposed to be about Chuck Schumer, so we're just going to wrap it up.

Oh, get on that Schumer, baby.

All right.

No, as I said, I have like gotten really into reality shows.

And I do think, as we were just talking about, like reality shows have a lot to tell us about how our culture is the way it is.

And also, by the way, like you got to be for what's happening.

If we want to win in politics, we got to understand

what's happening in this world.

And so I have a new series that is on the Love It or Leave It feed.

It's called Love It or Leave It Presents.

Bravo, America.

So for those listening at home, here's a trailer.

You're one of the meanest people that I love, right?

You are so.

You think I'm mean?

Oh, there are moments, there are moments in this show where you are.

I did so.

I always say in life, I'll never shake your hand first, but I'll shake it back hard.

Hey, everybody, it's John Lovett of Pod Save America, Love It or Leave It, and for a brief moment in time, Survivor on CBS.

Understanding reality TV is the key to understanding the current state of our politics.

Trump gets it.

To your favorite Democrats, I doubt it.

That's why I'm introducing a limited series on this feed called Love It or Leave It Presents Bravo America.

Every week, I'm going to sit down with my favorite personalities in reality TV, people like Dorinda Medley from The Real Housewives of New York, Orange County House Husband and botched surgeon, Dr.

Terry Dubrow, Survivors, Black Widow, Poverty Shallow.

Welcome to Plathville's Olivia Plath and more.

Over eight episodes of Conversations will answer three big questions.

What did my guests learn about reality TV?

Stay famous.

Stay on TV.

At the end of the day, what reality TV is even all about, right?

It's to foster these conversations where people with different perspectives sit at the table and talk about it.

What did my guests learn about themselves?

I am

very good at emotional manipulation.

And I remember that camera coming around and thinking, oh,

I like the camera and I think the camera likes me.

And what did they learn about politics and this great and perfect nation of ours?

Through it all, I'm pushing to get people to talk more openly about all of this, including stories they haven't told and moments that didn't make it on screen.

I even asked Terry DeBrow what plastic surgery I should get.

Be very careful as a man doing a lower eyelid blephroplasty.

There's some celebrities who I'll show you after.

They look weird.

Love it or leave it presents Bravo America on this feed every Tuesday for the next eight weeks.

So check it out and be cool about it.

Don't be all uncool.

When we come back, we're going to start some beefs of our own.

Hey, don't go anywhere.

There's more of Love It or Leave It coming up.

Love It or Leave It is brought to you by Built.

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Hi, this is Kirsten Gillibrand, your DSCC chair.

Donald Trump and his MAGA agenda are tearing this country apart.

But while Trump attacks our rights and our values, Americans are uniting.

We're making our voices heard.

And in every single state, we are taking a stand.

If you're ready to fight with us, sign my petition today to stand up against Donald Trump.

Add your name at dscc.org/slash fight.

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And we're back!

Couple notes, Crooked Con.

You may have heard that Crooked Con sold out, which was awesome.

So by even more popular demand, we are moving CrookedCon to a bigger location so we can sell some more tickets.

We're going to have more panels.

We're gonna have more guests.

The new venue is drum roll at the Ronald Reagan building.

We're gonna win one for the gipper.

You will have your favorite podcast host from Crooked, plus Andy Bashir, Anderson Clayton, Ben Wickler, Senator Ruben Gallego, Maurice Mitchell, Hassan Piker, and more.

We're also adding a Vote Save America action hub.

Yeah.

With a bunch of great organizations.

They're going to help you figure out how best to get involved.

So head to CrooketCon.com for tickets, and we will see you in DC on November November 7th.

All right, we've talked a lot about other people's beefs tonight, but I think we all deserve to have one of our own.

So, we're gonna spin the wheel, and each of us is gonna start a feud with an unsuspecting foe.

Oh,

in a game we're calling now, you're cooking.

And we're each gonna have a quick minute to start a beef.

All right, let's see.

Who do we let?

Do we have a wheel?

Hell yeah.

Oh,

oh my god.

Phoebe, who'd you like to have some beef with?

I have beef with

businessmen in the airports.

I've had enough.

So many egregious affronts.

There's two things.

There is

what I hate is the businessman who is clearly in group two,

but he thinks he is global services and is just fumbling his way around like, oh, I think I'm supposed to board.

And the person will be like, no, you're group two.

And he's like, he can't see it on his boarding pass.

Go the fuck to hell.

You know, you're group two.

So that's one.

And then this was when I was traveling, when I was touring, and

I got into like, you know, whatever, like lounge or whatever.

And I was sitting here.

The person I was doing standing with was sitting across from me.

And there's two, there's this empty seat next to me, me, an empty seat next to her, Khalise, and this older married white couple.

They come in, they sit down, and there's like a table, and I'm like eating my breakfast.

And I'm like, you know, sort of like scrolling social media.

And I clearly have food on my plate.

And I was like watching this video, and I turn around,

and this dusty ass man

discarded all of his food garbage onto my plate.

Yes.

Just taking up space with his fucking apple cores.

And I was just so aghast because I'm like, but you're with your wife.

Like, why can't you guys consolidate your trash over there?

And he just, he just fucking man spreaded his garbage everywhere.

So I just think businessmen are just fucking menaces and they need to stay home.

You're not allowed to fly anymore.

It's too much.

Fuck you.

They're so rude.

They hit me with my suitcases.

They stand in front of me.

They're like, oh, I didn't see you.

You did see me.

And, you know, it's like LA just decided to spend $2.6 billion to upgrade our convention center at a time in which, like, isn't that era over?

And it's like, no, no, no, but don't worry.

In 50 years, we're going to fucking be in the black.

And it's like, oh, no.

But it's like, but it's like, are the businessmen going to these conventions if they're not having affairs anymore?

Yeah.

They're just everywhere.

It's too much.

The arrogance, the rudeness.

Let's spin it again.

Oh!

A beef.

I do.

I had a beef.

I started a beef the other day.

Oh, really?

I didn't mean to, and

I called my therapist afterwards because it was bad.

It was bad.

I work my anger out

in the streets.

And I was at my child's basketball game the other day.

I will say I didn't have a great night of sleep.

But

this, I was, you know, in it.

You you know, you're in it with, there's a ref and my daughter's little and she gets hit a lot and I get upset.

And so a girl hit her and I was like, hey, ref, call a foul.

Or, you know, like, cause it's hard to watch your child get hurt.

And a woman behind me screamed, calm down.

Wow.

And I said to myself, Danielle, don't.

say anything.

Like, this is your child's game.

Like, just, just be okay.

And I was for a minute.

and then that woman behind me started screaming about her child and I went calm down

the woman comes up from behind starts screaming at me said you want to take this outside I was like

do I look like I want to take this outside started screaming she had to be pulled back by her friend The ref stopped the game.

My child's looking at me like,

and then, and so we stopped, but as we were leaving, I took out my basketball pump in case I had to like come to blows with her.

Like, literally started a beef with a woman.

So you didn't start it.

I saw her.

She was nothing but chaos.

But I should have not, I had a moment where I did not have to say, calm down.

No, say you got out.

No, no, no, no.

You match people at their energy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's cute.

I'm a Libra and that's what you do.

They don't fucking like it.

No, they don't.

And then Yeah, and I'm like, don't say it.

Yeah.

Cause I'll meet you, bitch.

Thank you.

I'll RSVP to fucking gutter with you, bitch.

Yeah.

Don't care.

Thank you.

Where were you that day?

I had your back.

Oh, I needed you.

How did

was the your return calm down

immediately after before she reacts the words have left your mouth.

Yes.

In the moment after

great.

Really?

That's interesting.

That's interesting.

Incredible.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I have again since called my therapist and said I've got a problem.

That's interesting.

That's interesting.

But what did your therapist say?

I mean, she hasn't called me back.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

Just

happen.

We've been playing phone tags.

Let's spin it again.

Nope.

All right.

I have a specific beef that I would like to start.

Look, and I will preface this by saying

liberal America is feeling anxious, angry, scared, uncertain, and Los Angeles is a bit under siege.

I do believe that we are allowing that tension to play out on our roads as we drive.

I think you can genuinely see it in the way people drive in Los Angeles.

There is something that is happening at stop signs, and I believe it is new.

And I think it is yet another symbol of decadence and decline, and it is this.

This goes on my list list of the rise of the tinted windows, including incredibly tinted front and

front passenger windows which shouldn't be tinted, and front windows, front windshields that are tinted, and all other kinds of kind of debauched, selfish behavior on the roads.

People are

slowing down and stopping way behind the stop sign so that they don't have to come to a complete stop, but can claim they did and roll all the way through.

And so, what happens is you arrive at a stop sign and you are

ostensibly at the line.

The other person on some level was arriving before you, but in the efforts of depriving themselves of the ill feeling of a break is slowly trying to roll through, but still claiming the right of way.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

It's a new thing.

Like I really do think it's a new evolution of rudeness.

So people are, so if this is the line, they're slowing to here.

They're there before you on some level, but you're at the line because you drove to the line and stopped.

And then you don't really know whether you're supposed to go first or not.

Because on some level, you're at the line first, but another, they feel like they should be able to zoom ahead of you.

And so I'll tell you something.

Depends on the

vibe.

But at this point, it's like, if you're not going to stop at the stop sign, I'm going.

I'm fucking going.

And are you noticing that people are just saying fucking and running red lights a little more?

It's crazy out there.

What's going on?

It is a town hall.

Hey, can you bully?

Hey,

if you're in Los Angeles, get your Prop 50 ballot in.

And hey, hey, just pull up right up to the stop sign.

Stop, look around, and I would suggest this.

Give yourself a treat.

Let somebody in.

You'll find that even though it will cost you a quarter second, the surprising good feeling you have will last even longer.

And perhaps you'll train yourself to do it more.

And when you let someone in now in Los Angeles, they look at you like you decided not to kill them.

Everybody also please do me a favor and listen to Bitch Sesh

with Danielle Schneider.

Check out Phoebe's special.

I don't want to work anymore on YouTube.

Check out Bravo America.

Thank you, Phoebe.

Thank you, Danielle.

We'll see you next week at Dynasty Typewriter.

There are 388 days until the midterms.

Have a great night and have a great weekend.

If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked Media on Instagram, TikTok, and all the other ones for original content, community events, and more.

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Love it or or Leave It is a crooked media production.

It is written and produced by me, John Lovin, and Lee Eisenberg.

Kendra James is our executive producer.

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