Ep 585 - Son of a Governor

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes. Yes.
Hello. Hey, what's up, dude? Nothing.
Dude, can we all make an agreement just to like grow all of our hair together? Damn, I'll look fucking crazy. It looks so sick, dude.

Speaker 1 If you want like Val Kilmer, it wouldn't be Val.

Speaker 1 I'm bald up front, dude.

Speaker 1 I could get a Tony Soprano. I could go slick back.
That would be sick. I'd go bald, slick back.
It would be nice. All right, when I get out of the shower, I do it.
Yeah, you slick it up.

Speaker 1 I go, whoa, that doesn't look so bad. Yeah, I'm telling you, a slick back is Carl Smedetti.
It looks good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like one of those dressy kind of pants. But then I'm naked and I see my tenis, and I go, I'll never be Tony.
I'm always going to be AJ with this fucking tight.

Speaker 1 God damn it. I'm always going to be a tiny tenis man.

Speaker 1 I think I guess Tony definitely had the Tony had a hog, dude. Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 That'd be funny if that was like the real thing,

Speaker 1 the real finale of the whole season for the whole thing.

Speaker 1 He goes into battle. He got pants at the diner.
Oh, Oh,

Speaker 1 Tony, what the hell? Tony, you had a tenis this whole time. You got a dick like an Irishman.
You're not the boss anymore.

Speaker 1 He just goes, takes a pee, and looks at his pants. It just shows.

Speaker 1 The screen goes black.

Speaker 1 Don't stop.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No way. Tony's got a fat fucking dick.
Yeah, Tony had a fat hog. You could tell.
Yeah, for sure. You could tell.
He was a boss. He's the boss.
Obviously, you have a fat dong. He's obviously the boss.

Speaker 1 Tall guys, naturally, the boss. I was researching that this week

Speaker 1 dude tall guys make more than short guys like 150 000 more over a 30-year period average they just get paid more money it's sick you just see a tall guy you go yeah you're the boss there's something inside of all of us that go tall guys get paid the most yeah that's why they got george washington yeah he couldn't even he didn't even speak and they were like dude you're the president and man He didn't talk at the fucking First Continental Congress.

Speaker 1 No, he's just tall as hell. They were just like, dude, you got to be.
He did wear his military uniform, so everyone's like, yeah, that's kind of boss.

Speaker 1 everyone else is dressed like quaker oats guy oh kind of gay

Speaker 1 high socks and he rolled up he rolled up what's up man full military what he just been involved in before that he was in the french in any way french in yeah i thought i thought it was some french stuff he was trying to become uh a british officer and he just kept getting passed up because he was an american what he like slowly oh he was like an og american yeah and he slowly started to resent them going like damn dude who why can we never hear about discriminating why you never hear about his parents you never hear about george washington's daddy or mommy.

Speaker 1 That's true. You know what I'm saying? You gotta know Martha.
I think they

Speaker 1 gave, I think he was the heir to Mount Vernon. I could be wrong.

Speaker 1 I never heard about his parents, man. So they must have been British.
Yeah. And he was one of the

Speaker 1 original American. He's the ultimate patriot.

Speaker 1 I think he was born in Virginia. What?

Speaker 1 Augustine, Washington. Yeah, because I know his family.
Wait, his dad might have been born in Virginia. What? Damn.
His dad got...

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 His dad was born in 1694 in Virginia. Whoa.

Speaker 1 Damn. That's crazy.
Washington rules. Because I feel like that's getting close to the point where they just, like, in the very beginning, they just threw a bunch of criminals here.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 We're like, yo, fucking figure it out. So his daddy was either the governor.

Speaker 1 Son of a governor.

Speaker 1 He might have been the son of a governor. Son of a governor.
Because it'd be like one governor.

Speaker 1 You would come here in the 1600s and you'd be the governor and your whole town would be shitty criminals. Yeah, it'd be a bunch of wooden pikes.

Speaker 1 Like, you had the one house, and everyone's in mud, dying.

Speaker 1 You go, we need more fucking poor guys from England.

Speaker 1 Yeah, really.

Speaker 1 They sent them prostitutes. He was just a planter and merchant.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 Okay. Planter is a nice way to say it.
The planter? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's just a lowly planter.

Speaker 1 Well, that's good. I wonder if he had any help.
Because I know that Washington.

Speaker 1 I think he went to ZipRecruiter.

Speaker 1 The powerful technology made them an excellent team. I think he went to ziprecruiter.com and found some matches across the pond.

Speaker 1 Damn. Well, again, aside from that, shout out George Washington for leading this country to independence.
Shame on him for what he did elsewise. You know, having his slaves.

Speaker 1 Whatever. I would have went back in time.
If you had to go back in time,

Speaker 1 honestly.

Speaker 1 Whatever, dude.

Speaker 1 I guess no one's ever asked the question.

Speaker 1 You guys don't have to answer this, but no one's ever asked anyone, if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and stop slavery or would you stop Hitler?

Speaker 1 It's a tough choice. I'd do both.
You would do both?

Speaker 1 How so? A one-time use time machine is crazy. What the hell? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 The technology doesn't even use it. It's one-time use, dude.
It's one-time use. You gotta have

Speaker 1 a throwaway. Throwaway time machine.

Speaker 1 Disposable time machine. No, there's just no way back out.
You got to stay back in whatever time it is.

Speaker 1 What am I doing? How the fuck do you stop slavery? I guess you have to go to the dawn of time. Yeah, it started at like

Speaker 1 the beginning. You can stop it in America or stop Hitler.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I know.
It's tough. No one wants to answer that question on record.
It's kind of, you know, you're not going to make any friends. The worst part.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think we know.

Speaker 1 The worst part of the answer, though, is like, say you say slavery, right? And then, but then you think about like, well, will America exist?

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Yes, obviously, yes.
Is it? Is it? Yes, obviously, yes.

Speaker 1 No, you say it like it's just

Speaker 1 would we exist?

Speaker 1 We would exist.

Speaker 1 We'd have more time machines.

Speaker 1 This place, we'd have flying cars.

Speaker 1 Guys, forget to ask this question. It's a bad question, all right? We'd be living on Mars by now, dude.

Speaker 1 That was a great question.

Speaker 1 That was free labor. It was helping us grow.
Economy-wise. Economy-wise.

Speaker 1 I'm putting the mic down. No, no, no, no, no.
I need you to do that. We'll never know.
We'll never know.

Speaker 1 I need you already.

Speaker 1 I feel like an idiot for asking, all right?

Speaker 1 No, never know. That was a great question.
We'll never know. Ice will never, ever know.

Speaker 1 You know, it happened, all right?

Speaker 1 It happened.

Speaker 1 A lot of bad stuff happened, all right? Let's just look, let's just have fun. Let's go on to more lighthearted topics.

Speaker 1 Let's forget about, oh, no, never, don't forget about, but never forget about it.

Speaker 1 Let's, conversationally, let's move past this subject.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're right. Yeah, the classic which one's worse.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's good. Good start to the day.

Speaker 1 Not which one's worse, which is your personal preference. Everyone has personal preference.
Oh, you say which one do you prefer? So you're saying you have to stop one. You don't want to stop either.

Speaker 1 What would you be better suited to stop? You might be like, you might put me in a time machine to stop the Nazis. And I might be like, I don't speak this language.

Speaker 1 I don't know the hell they're talking about. I can't tell who's who.
You know, I would like to make myself the most useful as possible. I think, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, if you're putting it that way, yes, I think I could go back to

Speaker 1 the beginning of America and just run shit. Exactly.
But if I went to Nazi Germany, they'd be like. Get him out of here.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I'm telling the difference between German Jews and Germans. I'm going, I don't know who the hell the hell.
Like this Phillies jersey, if I was wearing this way back, they'd be like, oh,

Speaker 1 holy shit, how'd he get blue?

Speaker 1 If I wore this in Nazi Germany, they'd go, get him out of here.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I might be one of the bros. Well, you'd have to put on that suit you showed me before we did the podcast.

Speaker 1 A what?

Speaker 1 You have to put on all your girls. My memorabilia?

Speaker 1 I don't have any memorabilia.

Speaker 1 Remember that military shirt?

Speaker 1 Dude, People will believe that. 100%.
People will believe that. I tell you, after the show in Florida, someone handed me a penny, and I didn't know what they said.
They said it has the

Speaker 1 heart or something. I'm going, what? He leaves.
And I flip it around. I was a fucking swastika.
Oh, shit. You gave you a swastika penny? Here's a swastika penny.
I gave it to my wife.

Speaker 1 I said, here, babe, here's a swastika penny. What the fuck? I just did Florida.
Here's a swastika penny. Now.

Speaker 1 Never mind. So I'm projecting because I have.
I was going to be real anti-Semitic.

Speaker 1 That's a nasty prank. I would like to apologize.
No.

Speaker 1 All right. This is.
I would like to apologize. You did this.
You did this. We can start over here.
No, I can't stop. We can start over.

Speaker 1 I'd like to apologize because I was projecting on you because I have never.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you have never been.

Speaker 1 People got really upset when I said I wanted to buy a Hitler autograph.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking see. I really don't see the problem.
When did you say that? I said it like 10 times. I said it on here.
I said it on Rogan.

Speaker 1 Hitler autograph. That's a fucking

Speaker 1 historically it's a sick. That's what I mean.
Yeah, dude. Don't, that's crazy.
People are just jealous of your Hitler autograph. I'd get a solid autograph.
I'd get a...

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's that's actually pretty cool. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that's crazy to conflate the two things being like.

Speaker 1 I have O.J. Simpson shit.
No one gives a fuck. I know that was just one lady

Speaker 1 allegedly. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't know. You can get a bad guy's autograph.
I think so.

Speaker 1 You don't fucking say, I like this. Exactly.
You go, but look at this. This is crazy.
You put it in your basement. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's nothing else in your basement. It's just a

Speaker 1 spotlight on a fucking.

Speaker 1 Anytime I have a first date, I go, I want to show you something.

Speaker 1 Take her down to the basement. I go, what do you think that RGRF reads? Turn up the lasered grid of security.

Speaker 1 Try to read that.

Speaker 1 Oh, boy. Well, look, that's all my fault.
I apologize for this topic. It was a terrible way to start.
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Speaker 1 Terms and conditions apply. I don't think you got out of that.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That happens.

Speaker 1 How was SNL?

Speaker 1 Oh, it was sick. We haven't done it.
Yeah, fuck. Yeah, we haven't done it.
I was going around, dude. I had to travel a lot.
Kind of sucked.

Speaker 1 I had to go New York to L.A.

Speaker 1 to San Francisco, Sacramento. Sheesh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Dang, that's fucking cool. It was a lot better.
The coast to coast is bad. SNL fucking ruled, especially because all I had to do was the opening.
Yeah. It was great.
All the fun. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. Also, they write all the jokes.
Yeah. I was delighted to see the Rob Zombie reference.
I got a Rob Zombie in there. Did you really? Yeah.
It was nice. Which one?

Speaker 1 Called him Zaltan Rob Zombie. Yes, I saw.
Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I was thinking Dragula for some reason. But no, it was...

Speaker 1 It was sick. I just had the game seven of the World Series on in my green room.

Speaker 1 I did so stress-free when all you have to do is one. Well, actually, hold on.
I take that back because the rehearsal, my hands are on this podium. And anytime I let go, I just did Trump.

Speaker 1 My hands, every single time I let go, I was talking like I couldn't stop. So then I had to just hold the podium as hard as I could.
And I don't know why, but my hands were the sweatiest

Speaker 1 they've ever like dripped. My hands were dripping sweat.
Wow, dude, I've never experienced anything like that.

Speaker 1 I had it when I was flying home. I was carrying a single coin in my hand through.

Speaker 1 But no, that would fuck you up. Yeah, that coin would get you.

Speaker 1 I was clutching it.

Speaker 1 I was clutching a coin tightly.

Speaker 1 But no, if you hold, yeah, if you're like, it was a plastic, it was plastic. So it was just like

Speaker 1 so sweaty.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 it is still extremely nerve-wracking. Oh, man.
Doing SNOs. At least it's over.
Like, I was next to Rami and Miles Teller, and they were just chilling. This is cool.
And I was like, Yeah, I'm fine.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. At least you didn't have to do it the whole time.
You did the one, then it was over. You said that one thing.
That's that was like, but we did have.

Speaker 1 I was going to be in a sketch at the end, and it got cut last second. I was

Speaker 1 very happy. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, all right, I'm done.
And then I got to, yeah, just watch game seven of the World Series. It was a good time.
Yeah. I had Roan and Sass with me.
Nice. Fidance.

Speaker 1 Fidance lingered.

Speaker 1 Impressive Impressive lingering from Fidance.

Speaker 1 He asked me to go and I was like, yeah, which I didn't want to ask for tickets. For sure.
So I had to ask for tickets just for Fidance.

Speaker 1 And then he went to the rehearsal and then just sat in my green room for the real show and then for the after party.

Speaker 1 Classic. It was a good linger.
That's good, actually. Yeah.
He dug down. I said, do you have to?

Speaker 1 And then I'd feel bad. I'd be like, Finance, get the fuck out of here.
Because it's a real small green room. I had like five people in there.
It was like 85 degrees in there. I'm like sweating.

Speaker 1 I'm like, get the fuck out of here. And he'd be like, do you really want me to leave? I'd be like, well, no.

Speaker 1 Now I feel bad. No.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it is admirable to dig in that long.

Speaker 1 He can fucking dig in. Yeah, man.
That's awesome. Yeah.
He's just like, I want to be here. Yeah.
There's nothing you can do. As soon as somebody even looks at me, I'm like, I'm out, man.

Speaker 1 I'm fucking gone. For sure.
I can't handle it.

Speaker 1 But yeah. SNL ruled.

Speaker 1 Then

Speaker 1 San Francisco was sick. Really? I like San Francisco.
Got to goof off on the by the way, they're not kidding. That place is fucked.
Yeah, that one area is that one area is

Speaker 1 where my hotel was. What fucked up? You gotta stay at the top of the hill.
We did not. My assistant booked it because she thought it was a funny hotel name.
What was it called? It was the Zeppelin.

Speaker 1 It was

Speaker 1 that Zeppelin-themed hotel. It was fucking awesome.
Yeah, I was a little like, what are we doing? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She was like, I thought this was a funny name. I was like, you're fired.

Speaker 1 No,

Speaker 1 we had a nice night at the Zeppelin Hotel because

Speaker 1 me and Tommy and James went out and got some drinks after the show. And then Tommy said he was sleepwalking.
I don't think so. I think he was blacked out.
Caught some of Roseanne's image.

Speaker 1 He thought it was the bathroom and just walked out his front door of the hotel in his tidy whities.

Speaker 1 So he's just in the hallway in his tidy whities, no card. He has to go down to the lobby in his tighties and ask for another key.

Speaker 1 And I was like, dude, you're lucky it was San Francisco. They were probably like, yeah, this happens.
Yeah, this is pretty normal. Fucking clearly a gay guy.

Speaker 1 Were they blasting Zepp on like in the, in any of the cars? No, they did have records in the room. It was pretty cool.
That's cool. But

Speaker 1 I was, we, we talked about it after. He was like, it was so embarrassing.
I was like, dude, at least you're like in shape. Yeah.
If I had to go down to the lobby in just tighty whiteys.

Speaker 1 They would like call the police. You'd have to go on out to like the mission district and just stayed outside already.
Sprint down the street. And everyone would be like, all right, he's fine.

Speaker 1 Indoors in just tighties. People would be terrified.
No, that sucks.

Speaker 1 I'd be mortified. Yeah, he handled it well.
I think he was probably hammered when it was happening. True.
So.

Speaker 1 Yeah, fuck. That's crazy.
Sacramento ruled. Sack down.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sacramento is

Speaker 1 tough.

Speaker 1 It looks very much like a GTA video game. Yeah, yeah.
It's crazy. This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter.
Matt, I'm constantly looking car keys, phone, chapstick, glasses, headphones.

Speaker 1 There you go. And I lose them all the time.
That's why I use wired headphones now. Ooh.

Speaker 1 What's the longest time you spent looking for something? I usually give up pretty quick. Yeah, true.
Someone I have a hard time shopping for. I have a tough time finding LeMaire gifts.
Really?

Speaker 1 And I like to spoil them.

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Speaker 1 Oh, I got to say this.

Speaker 1 At the Warriors, we went down to the Warriors facility and shot around.

Speaker 1 I got you beat, Nate. I think I missed, I think I airballed 30 straight threes.

Speaker 1 Do you have the footage? No, but they do.

Speaker 1 And I was begging them. I was like, you can't.
And they were like, right above the rim there, there's an AI camera that captures everything. It captures your shooting motion.
Does all that.

Speaker 1 And I was like, and he was like, yeah, we might show this to the team. And I was like, you can't show anyone.

Speaker 1 This is the most embarrassing.

Speaker 1 I missed airball 30 straight. Dang.
It was crazy. Yeah.
I mean, if you're not. People were filming and shit.
I was like, please don't film.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no way. It took me forever to work up the courage to go shoot because there were cameras around.
For sure, yeah. Finally, I had enough beers to go, all right, I'll take a free throw.

Speaker 1 Oh, dude, airballed a free throw?

Speaker 1 It was all. And I was like, please don't put that out.
I swear to God, please. Please, I'll do anything.
Oh.

Speaker 1 That's devastating. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, three with the cameras on you, that makes sense, man. That would really,

Speaker 1 throw me off. Especially when like James started making threes.
Yeah. Doesn't even know how she's shooting fucking underhand.

Speaker 1 My assistant hit a three. He was shooting underhand at the Warriors.
He doesn't know how to shoot. But underhand is, well, I can't talk.
I'm going to shut up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was all very embarrassing. Dang.
Yeah. So that was a good trip.
Tommy was just naked doing land. Tommy was naked.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. Hello, LeMaire.

Speaker 1 Nice of you to join us.

Speaker 1 Why were you late? I got poop locked. I just got poop blocked.
You were stuck on the seat. You sat down to take a dump and it didn't.

Speaker 1 It didn't take. Yeah, it took, but I had to tuck another one.

Speaker 1 I had to took another one.

Speaker 1 See, you had like a bad, messy ass, and you couldn't leave, and you knew it was unfinished, business. No, I drank too much whiskey yesterday and had 7-Eleven wings, and that's a...
That's a travesty

Speaker 1 in my guts. Yeah.
LeMayor went nuts on a bottle of whiskey yesterday. Like, why?

Speaker 1 We were just hanging out drinking, but he had like a chalice cup, and I swear.

Speaker 1 Chalice Cup will get you. Yeah, Chalice Cup was like...
Chalice Cup's fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Goblet doing D ⁇ D.
You get a goblet of whiskey. Bring forth your wizards.

Speaker 1 You guys still doing fucking gay D ⁇ D? We did it yesterday.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I mean, like, literally.
Like, gay? Actually, homosexual.

Speaker 1 What? Jabri was here to tell me all about the way these guys play. They have to roll the dice to see what part you finish on the other guys.

Speaker 1 That happened one. Andy did it one time as a fun bit.
It was a fun bit. Bad guy walked in.
Andy rolled to

Speaker 1 call him to death. It was a long time ago.
He didn't know the rules. We take it seriously now.
We were on an adventure.

Speaker 1 So you blacked out.

Speaker 1 You blacked out on whiskey playing D ⁇ D. It was kind of the best.
You'd get 7-Eleven wings, and then you're late to this because you're taking a bunch of shit.

Speaker 1 My car got towed last night, too. It was a terrible.
Well, probably for the best.

Speaker 1 From the report, it sounds like that was like the best possible outcome.

Speaker 1 Were you at the creek? No, I was parked at my friend's house in the... Pat Deuce's.
Yeah, Pat Deuce's place in the complex, and they took it.

Speaker 1 Dang. Did you get it back? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, what's your party score on right now out of 10? Are you like out a nine out of ten of the party?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? If you had to score your personal party right now, like, how hard you're partying. Oh, I didn't party that hard.
Oh,

Speaker 1 it's probably like a three, a four. It was a three.
I thought you drank a ton of whiskey. Yeah, that was a that was a nine at least, bro.
We crushed like a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey

Speaker 1 in like four hours.

Speaker 1 Well, Mary, what would your 10 be if that's your three?

Speaker 1 What's a 10? There has to be a fire somewhere, like a fire, an active fire going on. That's a a 10.
10. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 That's a fucking

Speaker 1 whatever.

Speaker 1 Well, that's good stuff. All right.
What else is going on? Not much, man.

Speaker 1 What the hell is going on with me right now? Oh, dude, I'm trying to get in the thousand pound club right now. That's nice.

Speaker 1 I never heard of the thousand pound club. I had a thousand pound club t-shirt, bro.

Speaker 1 High school, dude.

Speaker 1 Deadlift squat bench. High school, that probably was a thousand-pound club in high school, too, but I'm trying to go.

Speaker 1 We cheated. We had the fucking.

Speaker 1 We had the

Speaker 1 hex bar for deadlift. Yeah, look, I'm not against the hex bar.

Speaker 1 You can get way more. You can.
Yeah, that's true. You can get a lot more.
But yeah, I'm sure that's my goal by my 40th birthday, 1,000-pound club. So I'm at 750.
I'll get it. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 I'll get it for show. Squat's tough.
Squat? Squat kind of fucking sucks. I kind of like it, dude.
I'll be honest. You do have thick fucking cheeks.
I have

Speaker 1 thick cheeks and thick legs. So I kind of like it, but my back, man, like, yeah, kind of hurts.
I did like 265, and that was like,

Speaker 1 I'll be able to get three plates, I think. That's nice.
True, but if I do three plates,

Speaker 1 three plates, I don't know. I have to do a lot more because bench is not,

Speaker 1 bench is my weakness. So it's just, I'm like a centaur, dude.

Speaker 1 Puny that's good, though. Yeah, it'll be fun.
It's exciting stuff. It has been, man.
It's been really, I'm eating now like I'm in the NFL. I'm eating so much.

Speaker 1 Oh, watch the kids. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You've joined the boys.

Speaker 1 I was already eating pretty heartily, dude. Now instead of powerlifting, we're playing DD

Speaker 1 and drinking a goblet of whiskey and then going, I need more calories.

Speaker 1 I need to bulk up.

Speaker 1 I'm just worried my bulk doesn't turn into the Hulk, man. I hear you.
I'm telling you, bro, I might turn into the Hulk right now. You might turn it into the bulk, dude.

Speaker 1 I'd give anything for you to just get thick as fuck, dude. Pause.

Speaker 1 Pause. I want you thick.

Speaker 1 I might. I've never lifted this heavy, so I might fucking balloon out.
It'd be nice. Are you taking creatine? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. You're going to balloon out.
I'm taking creatine. I'm taking my

Speaker 1 natural tea booster. So

Speaker 1 I'm all endogenous, dude. Fuck you.
I'm all in all endo. So it's not really doing anything.
I'm just getting it. I just wake up fucking crazy hard.

Speaker 1 It's like Tongad Ali and all that stuff. Just wake up just rocked.
It's nice to be bricked. Yeah.
Ricked up. That's good to hear.
Sore legs. Sore legs, stiff.
That's good. Wake up and go, fuck yeah.

Speaker 1 Can't wait to get the thousand pound club. No one can stop me.
I'm jacked. It's time to read politics on the internet.

Speaker 1 I'm so strong.

Speaker 1 But no, it has been nice.

Speaker 1 That's been a fun one. It goes in my head.

Speaker 1 If I lift for like two weeks, I'm just like, dude, have I, have people noticed how jacked I am right i think i saw you hit the backwards hat wahlberg immediately you lifted for two weeks

Speaker 1 i can lift once and be like dude for real i think people might be able to tell right now

Speaker 1 dude i was watching uh i had some fox news on tv

Speaker 1 and uh there's a wahlberg commercial for the what's the prayer app called

Speaker 1 he has a prayer app does he have a prayer app yeah and he just goes hi i'm mark wahlberg pray with me and then he just says a prayer it's kind of it's a television commercial That's crazy.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Hallow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Like H-A-L-A. Halloween be that name?

Speaker 1 Dang. How does it work? I'd be curious to see how it works.
I think it starts asking for some tithes. Tithes.
Tithes. Tithes.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 I think eventually that's a little pay to pray. Really? Just like Christ intended.

Speaker 1 I might do indulgences. I like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, get yourself out of hell.
You can pay the church to get you out of there. But it's good.
he's trying to get people to pray. That's good.

Speaker 1 It's nice. It is weird to try to get.

Speaker 1 Are you sure there's tithes? I think there might be tithes. I don't know.
That'd be nuts. I feel like they would have steal your information.
I'd like to know what people are confessing.

Speaker 1 I'd start an app for that. Ooh, confession app? Yeah, you can confess.

Speaker 1 That's nice. And I'll sell that third-party information to somewhere else.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 As soon as they confess one thing, you go, all right, Vemo me.

Speaker 1 Vemo me $300.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I started listening to the Bible on audiobook. Me too.
Did you really?

Speaker 1 Fell asleep pretty quick. Yeah, Genesis is a story.
Genesis gets you. Starting with all those fucking names.

Speaker 1 And he bequeathed him, and fucking he had him.

Speaker 1 I finally made it through the names to Abraham. And

Speaker 1 yeah, a lot of debauchery going on, dude. I didn't realize.

Speaker 1 I thought, you know, who was it, Lot? When Lot's wife turned to salt? Yeah. And then his daughters trick him and have sex with him and get pregnant.
I was just like, all right, here comes God's wrath.

Speaker 1 They're like, nah, man, they're actually doing really well. And you're like, all right, what the hell is that all about? Yeah, that's where Lot's like,

Speaker 1 fuck my daughters instead of this angel. Yes, Lot offers up his daughters to the angel.
So sick. God's like, that's actually pretty fucking hot-ass angel came down.
The whole town was like,

Speaker 1 outside of Lot's door, like, let us fuck that guy.

Speaker 1 We're going to fuck that guy. It was crazy.
Yeah. They had that coming, dude.
They deserved it.

Speaker 1 They need to be sold. There's a new guy in town.
I need some booty relief. Booty relief, such a nice term.
Do you ever see that old black guy who was in prison for a long time who's on Instagram now?

Speaker 1 Somebody's talking about booty relief. He's talking about booty relief.

Speaker 1 You guys know what I'm talking about? He's, huh? Felice Johnson. Yeah, Felice Johnson.
I'm talking about booty relief.

Speaker 1 What's going on? What is that? Oh, this guy has a 12-inch penis. He's been in jail for a long time.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. He just says.

Speaker 1 You ever watched the Boondocks? There's that one episode, The Booty Warrior, where the guy was like, I see you. I likes you.
He's a real guy, and he's out of jail. And he's a menace.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he's out now. Yeah, he's out now.
He's really a menace. Hitting people with booty relief outside of the.
I'm sick of confronts. Dude, he said he's like, he also holds it down.

Speaker 1 He's like, I'm not gay. He's like, I was just in jail.
Then he'll be like,

Speaker 1 I swear to God, some booties, some booties are better. They're the best I ever had.
He needs to be turned into a pillar of salt.

Speaker 1 Someone needs to raise his, wherever he lives really bad. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Raise his land.

Speaker 1 So he needs to raise his 12-inch booty relief. God damn.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he would say, you were just like, you would tap. Dude, him explaining it is the funniest shit in the world.
Like, I just tap him. I said, hey, man, I'm going to need some booty relief.

Speaker 1 He's like,

Speaker 1 and that's all it is. Damn it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Just don't fucking hit me again, please.

Speaker 1 Please stop hitting me. That's all he said he did.
He said he fought, gambled, booty.

Speaker 1 Those three things. Sounds like he didn't rehabilitate at all.

Speaker 1 He just committed

Speaker 1 grievous sins the entire time.

Speaker 1 He truly didn't rehabilitate whatsoever. But he is very funny.
It's very funny why. That sounds funny.
He's like missing his front teeth.

Speaker 1 Just like, man, some booties I had better than any other girl I ever had.

Speaker 1 I had some good booty in that jail.

Speaker 1 But he said, ever since he's out of jail, no more booty relief. That's good.
Strictly for the ladies, right? That's good. Yeah, he he was in jail for what, like 15 years? He's in jail for a long time.

Speaker 1 It's not funny, but I've talked about it before. But I always think me and Blizz were just dying laughing because this guy got, it's not funny.

Speaker 1 He got some booty relief, but they packed his ass with peanut butter for like lube, I guess. What? And we were just, he got like knocked out and he woke up with peanut butter in his ass.

Speaker 1 But then it's just like, just somebody knocking somebody out and somebody else being like, get the peanut butter.

Speaker 1 It's not funny. Never mind.
I'll take it back. But you know what I mean? It's funny just packing someone.

Speaker 1 Having your butthole filled with peanut butter is objectively funny. Lube, I'm questioning, is like peanut butter for lube.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 It's like, it doesn't even go down your throat. You know what I mean? You choke on peanut butter.
So I wonder. Maybe it was just a mean thing to do afterwards.
True. Just a little prank.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe it was natural peanut butter. It was just the oil.

Speaker 1 Get that. Get that organic peanut butter.

Speaker 1 Quick, get the peanut butter. Motherfuckers knocked out.
Go.

Speaker 1 Not the shit with the pong.

Speaker 1 Getting packed up with peanut butter, man. That's tough.
Take forever to get that out of your butt.

Speaker 1 You know what I'm saying? Yeah. That'd be tough.

Speaker 1 Some chunky.

Speaker 1 Yeah. May God smite whoever packs me with a chunky peanut butter, bro.
Please.

Speaker 1 I would cry unto him, dude.

Speaker 1 Pray for a peanut allergy and go, jokes on bags on you.

Speaker 1 True.

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Speaker 1 oh yeah

Speaker 1 oh i think this weekend at madison Wisconsin, I believe there's an early show for sale. Everything else is all sold out, but let me see here.
Let's check it out, guys.

Speaker 1 Yep, Comedy Element State, Madison, Wisconsin. I believe there's an early show.
Springfield Comedy Club back on the map.

Speaker 1 Back on the map. They're going to honor the tickets that people bought before the whole place imploded.

Speaker 1 Springfield Comedy Club, the righteous people of Springfield Comedy Club have come and they've brought me back to Springfield, Missouri, honoring all

Speaker 1 fun tickets. Yeah, it's going to be awesome.
Funnybone Comedy Club, Syracuse, Syracuse, New York. I'll be there also.
Please come out, guys. MammaCusker.com.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 December 12th, I'll be in Boise, Idaho. December 13th, I'll be in Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 1 And then the next, then I'm on a little break until the January Madison Square Garden. So,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 hopefully, I don't choke and ruin it and blow it.

Speaker 1 Fuck him. No,

Speaker 1 if you can handle gaming on the screen.

Speaker 1 Fucking Madison Square Garden. Fuck.

Speaker 1 Well, you guys got anything you want to say? You got any shows? What do you got, brother?

Speaker 1 I'm going.

Speaker 2 We got Optimum Noctis coming up next week, and it's the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas.

Speaker 1 First and third. Now you guys doubled the Optimum Noctis.
Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Congratulations. Optimum Noctis.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 Optimum Nocti. Yeah.
Yeah, now it's Optimum Nocti.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't think about that.

Speaker 2 And then I'm going to Chicago and Atlanta in December.

Speaker 2 I forget when they are, but the tickets will be up soon. So if you want to come to that, please come.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 All right. Good job, Sean.
Thank you. All right.
Thank you, everybody. That's a wrap on the set.

Speaker 1 That's a wrap on Sean Gardin.

Speaker 1 Hall sit me up. He's all mad.

Speaker 1 He's claiming there is a...

Speaker 1 company that is selling medicine for peanut allergies. Guess what the medicine is? Peanuts.

Speaker 1 He said it's it's 100%, they're 100% selling peanuts. So it's like a vaccine.
Kind of, yeah. That's how vaccines.
Yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
Give them a small dose of peanuts. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Give them peanuts breath. All right.

Speaker 1 He was fired up. He texted me.
He goes, Can you fucking believe this shit? And it's like, yeah, for sure. That's how that works.
Yeah, I could definitely see them doing it.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that was really the kind of solution to the whole peanut allergy. It was like, let them eat peanuts.

Speaker 1 Give them peanuts. Yes.
So we got to do that. Are you worried about that with your children? No.
Because I didn't have a peanut allergy, so I was like, they'll be fine.

Speaker 1 And I gave it to them super early where I was just like, see what happens. Yeah.
We'll see what's good.

Speaker 1 That shit is annoying, dude. Like, trying to pack lunches for them, you can't have any peanut products.
It's like, because then it's like tree nuts. There's this coconut.

Speaker 1 It's like the point where, like, bro, like,

Speaker 1 they got to do this. Yeah, that sucks.
Got to eat this shit.

Speaker 1 But if my kid had a peanut allergy, I would give them like a prophylactic tongue cover. Like a dental dam.

Speaker 1 Like a dental dam, but for peanuts. For peanuts.
For peanuts, yeah. Of course.
You know,

Speaker 1 that would be the safest, safest. That's the only thing you can do.
I would do a mask and a dental dam

Speaker 1 on my toddler.

Speaker 1 And I would just kind of grease their whole body so that, like, they would, you know, that way, if they slipped, it would fall. It'd be totally safe.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Yeah, I've fully. I'm saying if someone tried to abduct your kid, if you had them covered in baby oil,

Speaker 1 if they see that dental din, they're going to go,

Speaker 1 they're fucking, they're ready.

Speaker 1 And then you lube them up and you go, good luck catching them. Yeah, they make a bar of soup pop right out of their hands.
Watch out. That might get them going, too.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, I'm telling you, man, the caffeine had me fucked up. I've been subdued under the heel of fucking evil caffeine.
Yeah, caffeine is, dude, that shit is not where it's at.

Speaker 1 For me, personally, I can't speak for everybody. For me, it was like stealing my energy, man.

Speaker 1 It does. Yeah, you do crash.
Dude, I crash so hard. Then it's like either drink another coffee, then you get bad sleep.

Speaker 1 For me, again, personally, I would get bad sleep and then I wake up and chase the dragon again. And it was like, I got to the point where I was like, dude, this shit isn't for me.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I feel so much better. Well, that's good.
Yeah. Because I knew you were struggling with that.
I was. And it's good.
Yeah. I'm free.
I'm free from the clutches.

Speaker 1 Although the demon nicotine still has its hooks, I was off that as well. Nicotine rules.
But I was crying to Sean the whole time this weekend.

Speaker 1 I was like, Man, I'd really like my nicotine tablets before the show. It's really nice having those.
It just makes my mind a lot sharper. And I kept being like,

Speaker 1 he was just like, I think I have one of those things you gave me before. And then he didn't have them.
He built me up, fucking slammed me down.

Speaker 1 Fucker.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, damn. Good call, Amir.

Speaker 1 He's clearly done done talking.

Speaker 1 Says, hands him a mic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I might start taking 7-0-H. Did you ever take that before? Never even heard of it.
Dude, apparently there's this shit. It's Kratom, but they turn it into like a super concentration.

Speaker 1 I'm obviously not. This is.
No, this is a bit, dude. This is a bit.
Yeah, that's the thing about me, man. You don't know when I'm being serious.

Speaker 1 It gets me in a lot of trouble. I hear you.

Speaker 1 Sometimes I'm just, I feel, there's a, there's like a term for that when, like, you know, you don't really know the person's serious, and it's like a dramatic term something from you know being a cunt

Speaker 1 sucks it's tough to talk to him I don't know if he's fucking with me no if that doesn't work then I slip into a British accent and usually the party goes crazy party goes nuts

Speaker 1 let me hear that dude let me hear that British accent

Speaker 1 Try to watch Peaky Blinders again. Oh, dude, that's all you need.
It sucks.

Speaker 1 I used to love it. Well, knowing what it turned dudes into is kind of tough as well.
It's like Sex in the City. Sex in the City ruined a generation of women.
Peaky Blinders.

Speaker 1 Sex in the City's continued. True.
Still going. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Peaky Blinders is probably still going. Yeah,

Speaker 1 people are still in the Peaky Blinder shit. The one episode, because I remember season two being awesome.
Isn't that the one with Tom Hardy? Yes. So I started that.

Speaker 1 The first, they go into like a party in London and like...

Speaker 1 beat the fuck out of everyone in there. Of course.
On the way out, the young one kisses one of the babes.

Speaker 1 And they're just like, let's have a fucking night on the town peaky blinder style ah i was like damn this is crazy they're leaving birmingham and they're in a car the brother stands up and he's like buy all of the peaky blonders what going on holiday it's that's so arthur that's definitely

Speaker 1 so arthur dude yeah that uh

Speaker 1 yeah i i don't like the like constant slow cool walks in that show a lot of them they walk through industrial london their sparks flying they're just like

Speaker 1 yeah All right, we get it. These guys are the coolest guys.
You fucking

Speaker 1 industrial London. I'll give it another shot because it did rule.
Yeah, it was fun to watch. It did rule.
But I'm saying now that I just know

Speaker 1 there's dudes dressing like them. I can't watch them.
The Peaky Minders wedding. I can't watch.
I know. Damn, they got to regret that so much.

Speaker 1 Like a cool show. You go, that's what we're going to do.

Speaker 1 The groomsmen are going to dress like the current cool show.

Speaker 1 Fuck, that show's so good.

Speaker 1 We're going to dress up up all these

Speaker 1 fat tree guys.

Speaker 1 Damn, it sucks to be the one groomsman that has like half a brain that's like, this is so embarrassing.

Speaker 1 You go, but everyone else is doing it. So I got to wear a trench coat and a fucking Jeff cap and a vest with a fucking watch.

Speaker 1 A pocket watch.

Speaker 1 You got to try to talk to the women after the wedding. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some of the bridesmaids are probably hot. I wonder if any of the guys ever went to their head.
Definitely. I'm sure some of them got stuck.
They just get completely.

Speaker 1 You put that outfit on. There's no way you're not doing it.
You're drinking a fucking goblet of whiskey.

Speaker 1 You're at a wedding with your girlfriend at a time. You're a soccer toad.

Speaker 1 You're with her girlfriend at a wedding. You've known her for six months.
At the end of the night, you're like, yeah.

Speaker 1 There's got to be some black peeky blinders. Oh, for sure.
I'd like to take a look at that.

Speaker 1 Sinners.

Speaker 1 Sinners was just an excuse for black dudes to do peaky blinders.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I never thought about that, Le Maire. Good point.
You're on fire.

Speaker 1 Black peaky blinders. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck yeah. Let's just show me pictures of the black guy and peaky blinders.

Speaker 1 You're gonna come across LeMaire on every stage.

Speaker 1 Yeah, let's let's actually these peaky blinders outfits suck ass.

Speaker 1 They fucking suck ass.

Speaker 1 I'm actually an accountant.

Speaker 1 Bro.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 In the full Airbnb apartment. Oh, my God.
Rocking the peaky blinder. Dude, imagine popping off the peaky blinders garb, but then you just can't get hard.
Oh, yeah. Trust me.
I can imagine that.

Speaker 1 That's why I'm not allowed to wear the piggy blinders, dude.

Speaker 1 I would just lean into it. Like, oh, I've seen a lot of things.
Yeah, I was in World War I.

Speaker 1 I breathed in muscles. Also, they're chugging whiskey the whole time.
There's no way any of these dudes had boners.

Speaker 1 The Biggie Blinders are soft.

Speaker 1 You can't get a boner and drink that much whiskey. You really can't.

Speaker 1 I'm with my brothers. I mean, all my brothers are soft right now.

Speaker 1 We drank too much duas. It happens.
But I guess the WAPs did the fucking Sopranos, too. Yeah.
Sopranos suits and shit for your wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah.
That's fair. I didn't think about that.

Speaker 1 I think they just don't they just dress like that anyway? I think they kind of do, but I bet they I bet they whop it up. up if they're like

Speaker 1 Sopranos gave me license yeah he did some things yeah they that's their I mean I've said it a hundred times that's their favorite thing I would love to just really investigate every Italian's connections to the mafia start a documentary turns out they're all lying you watch that uh Philly versus the mob at all no it's pretty great the guy the one of the investigators at the start of it one of the detectives he's just like all they talk about is how loyal and all that they are every single one of them is a fucking rat yeah devastating they did telling each other for sure.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Who do they talk about? Like Nikki the Hat and all those guys?

Speaker 1 I forget the guy's name. He's still alive.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think he owns a steak.

Speaker 1 He's kind of the main.

Speaker 1 So I remember there was.

Speaker 1 Who's the one? Yeah, there was like the main guy who got Joey Merrill. Joey Merlino got busted.
That's him. Yeah, Merlino got busted.
And then there were all these other guys. He's out.

Speaker 1 He's kind of the cool.

Speaker 1 It's about the young guys going up against the Sicilians, like the OG WAPs and then the Philly WAPs.

Speaker 1 I remember hearing rumors in like

Speaker 1 20, yeah, around like 2014, 2017, like the mob was coming back. Everyone kept trying to say that like, yo, the mob's coming back.

Speaker 1 Like whenever they bust these guys, they let them... They have to get so much

Speaker 1 on them before they arrest them. Yeah.
And I never understood that. They sit there and watch them do like...

Speaker 1 They like let them do pretty serious crimes. Yeah.
And then finally they're like, we got you.

Speaker 1 You murdered 12 people. We got you on the the 12th fucking guy.
I know.

Speaker 1 Get them on the first thing. I guess they're trying to go for the godfather.
True. Trying to get the godfather.

Speaker 1 Because there was a big one when I was in college, they got a bunch of bookies and they were all, they was like, they were saying like, that's the last of the mob.

Speaker 1 They all got bought, and they got like crushed. They got caught with like hundreds of thousands of dollars in cash.

Speaker 1 And they just, I think like they were like, I remember the pictures in the paper and like they were just like laughing, getting walked out. They're like, no, fuck.
They're awesome.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like we're fine. I know.
They kind of did rule.

Speaker 2 It could be wrong, but aren't they saying that NBA gambling scandal has steered the mob and maybe the UFC fixing fights and things like that?

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 2 Still. Yeah, there's a lot of gambling scandals that are.
You see those pitchers?

Speaker 1 There's a pitcher that just got busted. Oh, no.
And

Speaker 1 he was just

Speaker 1 throwing the first pitch. You can bet on the first pitch being a ball or a strike.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They offered this guy like fucking 500 bucks. He got no money for this.
Really? Somebody was probably like, yo, I'll give you a grand if you just throw a ball. He was like, all right.

Speaker 1 He got busted. Now he's facing like 60 years in prison.
How did they bust him?

Speaker 1 I'm sure whoever was doing it was probably,

Speaker 1 it was like a bigger

Speaker 1 scheme, but I think he probably, you know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're fucked.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Sperp. So

Speaker 1 I'm trying not to cough.

Speaker 1 Sorry, it's funny while you're doing that. I'm like,

Speaker 1 yeah. We're officially an old man podcast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess this is obviously how this is going to go. By the end of our day,

Speaker 1 what?

Speaker 1 What the hell are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I don't have any fucking memorabilia.

Speaker 1 Shut up. Don't fucking say that.

Speaker 1 Dude, my parents, speaking of geezers, my parents surprised me in Florida. That's nice.
They surprised me at the show. It was sweet.
Although it was my least favorite show of the weekend. That sucks.

Speaker 1 It popped up and I was just like, guys.

Speaker 1 Yeah, surprise at the show, they think, is very nice. It's just

Speaker 1 that was nice. We chilled, Sean.
We all hung out. We went on a boat.
It was nice. Oh, I heard the boat was sick.
Yeah, it was pretty tight. My dad was showing off for Sean.
He was driving very fast.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he was going very fast in the boat.

Speaker 2 He seems scared. Yeah, you seem scared, Sean.
You're smoking that cigarette like it's your last one.

Speaker 2 And he gave me some new lingo. He calls cigarettes hot snacks, which I love.

Speaker 1 Hot snacks. Hot snacks, nice one.
That is good lingo. Step outside for a hot snack.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was nice. We got to hang out.
It was

Speaker 1 very sweet. It was chilling.
It is nice. Yeah.
My dad was trying to extend the chill too long, though, and I was like, bro, I must go back and take my little.

Speaker 1 How did your mother feel about your material? She told me to stop being fresh. Yeah.
She said, Matt, stop being fresh. There was some stuff in there, man.
Oh, boy. I did not know that.

Speaker 1 I'm very glad they surprised me because I would have pulled back because some of that stuff is a little blue. Yeah.
Trying to clean it up, but right now it's just a little bit.

Speaker 1 Sometimes you got to go a little blue. It's a little blue.
Just while I'm cleaning it, you know, I'm figuring out.

Speaker 1 It's going to be squeaky clean by the time it's done but right now it's just a teeny bit blue ain't nothing funnier than some blue i i kind of like it too it's fun yeah especially yeah when you make people deeply uncomfortable about something they don't want to think about

Speaker 1 but yeah we were doing some battle there were some geezers there i battled you know drunk lady i don't know if i even battled uh no i battled a big-titted drunk lady a little bit She was so far away.

Speaker 1 I was like, I want to strike from afar. She just started yelling stuff out.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm trying to make my new hour. I'm trying to make it more for everybody.
But I just, I'm pissing girls off.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to talk about girl stuff and they're getting fucking mad at me. Yeah, they don't like it.
I'm trying to include them, talk about stuff they're interested in, too.

Speaker 1 Well, when it's a room full of... Like they're furious.

Speaker 1 When it's a room full of mostly dudes and you're like, women are dumb as fuck. And every dude in there is like, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I've done that. I'm not saying you.
Yeah, yeah. I don't do that.
I don't do that, but I do. I do talk about stuff.
I think they don't. They get uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 You talk about, you know, their pussies and stuff. So let's talk about their pussies a little bit.
Yeah, you got to talk about everybody's pussies. Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 1 Excuse me, man. I'm just trying to, and I tell everyone, I'm making it very, you know, trying to keep everyone engaged and talk about guy stuff.

Speaker 1 Now we're doing girl stuff, and we'll go back to guy stuff. Yeah, so he had a large, adoring female crowd, still eludes me.

Speaker 1 So, some, it's my quest. Yeah,

Speaker 1 it'd be nice.

Speaker 1 Seven arena of white men,

Speaker 1 which don't get me wrong, I love my white brothers.

Speaker 1 Some babes would be nice for sure, man. Yeah, I've seen there's been some babes at shows that are just from SNL.
Yeah. And I've seen them and I've seen them be extremely uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 You go, this is not that guy.

Speaker 1 He was so charming. Hold on.
What is this? You're basing that off of just seeing them. They'll wear like shirts.
Oh. Like designed, like a couple of beers shirts or like a sketch from SNL.

Speaker 1 You go, you guys are here from SNL. And you watch them hit the wall.

Speaker 1 Last show, I think it was Sacramento, there was just four.

Speaker 1 They weren't old. They were like older women.
And they were furious in the front row. So I kept like looking over at them and going,

Speaker 1 They were like, nope.

Speaker 1 But then they started laughing at some inappropriate stuff, and I would turn around and go, You like that? You like pedophile stuff? That's crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there was a lady I thought I could have sworn hated me.

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That clean white can, zero sugar, crisp.

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You name it. People toss it in their bags before training or on a long drive.
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Speaker 1 Big flavor, flavor zero sugar same monster energy kit all right but chin ultra doesn't stop there but there's a whole lineup now vice guava blue hawaiian and the new wild passion oh wild passion if you're loyal to the white can cool just know you've got options visit monsterenergy.com to learn more i will visit monsterenergy.com to learn more through this whole show then i finally went to talk to her and she was like

Speaker 1 i'm like oh you're fucking handy yeah yeah yeah i was like the whole time i was over here fucking worried. I thought you were pissed off.
You're just so drunk. I'll never forget

Speaker 1 at Bananas. I had the meanest woman.
She had like a she had like a buzz cut almost.

Speaker 1 She had that like old lady, like short hair, and she was big. She was like strong, too.
Dang. And her friends were a little unhappy, but she was furious.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, you're the one who arranged this, huh?

Speaker 1 Because you feel terrible about how bad this is. And she was like, yeah.
And I was like, I just remember calling her Mike Dicka.

Speaker 1 I was like, if you're here, who's coaching the 1985 Chicago Bears?

Speaker 1 And obviously she didn't get it, but I was like, trust me, when the lights come on, you're going to see how much this lady looks like Mike Dicka. And we're all going to have a laugh.

Speaker 1 This is like five minutes into my set. The rest of the show was so bad.
Dude, that's fucking devastating. Yeah.
Yeah, and did the audience support the Mike Dicka joke?

Speaker 1 When the lights came on at the end of the show, everyone honestly laughed.

Speaker 1 It was, Nate, I think you were at that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 And that was O'Connor. O'Connor, was that the one O'Connor just did my jokes twice?

Speaker 1 It was really funny. I forget what he was doing, but he kept it.
He was going, yo, you guys like Trump? Hell yeah.

Speaker 1 He said something like that during the first show. And I was like, what the fuck? All right.
That's a little, it's a little close. And then he gets off stage.
He's like, dude, my bad. I want that.

Speaker 1 I was just, I was just talking. I didn't even think about it.
I was like, no, it's fine. I don't give a shit.
Second show. Yo, what up? Hell yeah, dude.
You guys fucking love chunking beers.

Speaker 1 Blah, blah, blah. I was like, damn, dude, that's my whole fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was a bad show. Then got up there, called a lady, Mike Dick.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. I think I fought with the manager.
I was looking at the wall, and there was like a good comedian. I forget who it was.
I was like, damn, you guys had him here?

Speaker 1 She was like, yeah, I wish he was here tonight. I was like, I wish I was somewhere else.
Yeah. What the fuck? Dang, in the movie.
I thought I was at a different club.

Speaker 1 No, no, it was right before the show. Even still, that's even worse.
Yeah, I was in the hall and they had like pictures of comedians. She was like, oh, you guys had him?

Speaker 1 She was like, yeah, I wish he was here. Yeah, I actually remember you telling me that.
That's fucking, what the hell is wrong with that, man? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember back in the day, I made fun of an older lady. It was like, I was doing like a bar show in New Jersey.
I made fun of an older lady's shirt. And it was like a crazy, like, shiny shirt.

Speaker 1 This lady had on. And just, I, it was, I thought it was pretty funny, but like, she got really sad and the whole crowd turned on me.
Yeah. And I was like, damn, all right, note it to self.

Speaker 1 You can't make fun of older ladies. You can't slam their gear in their gear, her gear.

Speaker 1 I think she started it, to be fair. That it's kind of like crushed her gear.
And she

Speaker 1 got really sad. Yeah, they always start it.
Yeah, you're never just out of nowhere being like, Look at this ugly bitch. No, no, I wouldn't do that.

Speaker 1 And she was, I was just making fun of her shirt, but yeah, I've been getting attacked here and there.

Speaker 1 I've been getting, I've been getting kind of there's been some uprisings against me here these weekends, but we've been having fun. We've been holding it down.

Speaker 1 I'm on a new frontier,

Speaker 1 just go fuck it, fuck this show, fuck you. No,

Speaker 1 I've been having a good time. I honestly have, but yeah, a couple, I have a couple mutinies on my hands.
A couple of ladies, I seven ladies spazzing on me right now.

Speaker 1 I'm glad I missed it. In Sacramento, Nate Diaz was just like circling the stage.

Speaker 1 He was like, he's like, you didn't see me out there? I was like, no, I didn't see you. And he was like, dude, I was right there.
I was like, what do you mean? He was like, I walked around the stage.

Speaker 1 And then he walked around the upper ring and just took pictures of people the whole time. I was like, dude, you're a dickhead.
That's so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 If I would have seen him, I'd be like, oh, this is hilarious. Yeah.
He's very funny. That's it.
His squad was rowdy. They were very funny.
His squad's nice. I picked him in action before.

Speaker 1 They were so funny. One of them showed up, the drunkest I've ever seen.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he stayed alive the entire time. Dang.
He showed up like,

Speaker 1 and I was like, holy fuck, dude. I've never seen him like this.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 he was like, what are you doing right now? And I was like, I'm about to go on stage. He's like, oh, shit, I forgot.
I was like, yeah, dude, this is the show.

Speaker 1 I like when that kid projectile vomited the one time. Last time I was with you.
Oh, in the green room. Yeah.
After the show. Projectile vomited.
I think that was my cousin's like

Speaker 1 nephew or some shit. And then stayed.
Yeah. Just hung the whole time.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That was one where people were like, is it cool if he comes? And I was like, yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 1 Fucking threw up everywhere in the green room. Came back.
I mean, it was literally, it was a trail that was like 20-something feet long. Yeah, no one cleaned it.
Everyone just put paper plates.

Speaker 1 I know. They're like, be careful.
Just put paper plates over the vomit. Dude, it was like

Speaker 1 15-foot trail that he then, I think, just threw up into his hands. He projectiled while he was walking and then just like trying to hold it in his hand so it dripped all the way to the bathroom.

Speaker 1 It was long. And he stayed.
Yeah. Yeah, he just chilled.
Just walked right back in. I couldn't believe it.
I was like, well, where is the kid now? Like, oh, he's right out there.

Speaker 1 And I was like, he didn't leave. You think someone would either make him leave or he would want to leave?

Speaker 1 It's crazy. That was such a wild move.
Yeah. Just sit there like, oh man, fucking threw up all over the party.

Speaker 1 I'm just going to sit here.

Speaker 1 That sucks, dude. the moment because i i would be in denial if i was about to throw up i'd be like nah me never never not at the after show not at the green room not happening no way going now no

Speaker 1 for like seven feet in front of me trying to run to the toilet oh i can still get

Speaker 1 trying to get to the toilet thrown up

Speaker 1 yeah that's

Speaker 1 that's awful you should have brought him before you

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 bring me that boy, yeah. I would have paused the Xbox and said, where is he? Bring me this boy.
Neil.

Speaker 1 Rise of Knight.

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 Me and Gardini's Goom sesh in the,

Speaker 1 and for note, G-O-O-M,

Speaker 1 in the airport with the Switch. So nice.
Yeah, you can't get... You got it.
You got a hold of a Switch on the way to

Speaker 1 Australia and played

Speaker 1 15 straight hours of Mario tennis.

Speaker 1 I'm sure you don't know. I don't want to say anything.
You don't want this? Yeah, I'm all right. I kept asking him, like, yeah, you can have it.
I could see how much you want to get. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I was having a blast playing this. I know how you get on a Switch.
Dude, true. I get that little switchy.
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 But yeah, we had the, we were sitting there playing, and it, like, I would be like, all right, dude, chill. And as soon as I get knocked out of like third place, I'd be like,

Speaker 1 just packed airport. Bullshit.
How many red shells are you going to fucking get, dude? I'm only getting green.

Speaker 2 I thought it was funny because we saw the guy with the Oculus in Boston airport, and we were both like, look at this fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 1 He's literally wearing an oculus. Yes.
And he was going like this.

Speaker 2 He was scrolling with his fingers. Like, literally hitting

Speaker 1 your guy. It was, dude, I got a picture of him.
But it was. Lemaire would have no problem hitting the oculus.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 In public. I was thinking about it last time I was on the airplane.
I was like, I should pull my

Speaker 1 on the flight. Yeah.
It's in my seat. You should do it next time going this.
Anytime you hit pumps,

Speaker 1 put the oculus on and then just be like.

Speaker 1 It's a little 9-11 simulator.

Speaker 2 I was laughing though because then we were in Florida flying home and and I was like, these old people are looking at us the same way for playing the Switch that we were looking at that guy for.

Speaker 1 Nah, that old man was loving it, dude.

Speaker 1 Who were you playing with? You struck me as a Toadman.

Speaker 2 I do like Toad a lot, and I got the hamburger head and the new Mario Kart, so I really like that costume. But I like Lakitu, too.

Speaker 2 He's just a little turtle guy, but I have a fisherman costume for him, so I play

Speaker 1 a lot too. Dude.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 He was got a ball to get it.

Speaker 1 He was going like that. I think there was like a function where you go like this with your fingers.
He was going,

Speaker 1 I was like, bro, take it off. Yeah,

Speaker 1 putting a little Mario Kart in the airport is nothing. That was crazy.
Plugged into a truck, dude. He's from the future.
He's got AirPods. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's plugged into

Speaker 1 a portable charger in his suitcase, it looks like. He was literally going.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was elsewhere.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is a future, man. Yeah, it was pretty crazy, man.
He's got a cool vest. Yeah, it was pretty nice.
It pissed me off. I think he was a military guy, though.

Speaker 1 I was like, maybe he's like, he could have been drone striking.

Speaker 2 Palantir.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he could have been killing him. He was getting ready.

Speaker 1 Good for him. That one was wild, man.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's. And he held it for a while.

Speaker 1 I didn't put a Noculus on unless I locked my door and was in my room.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you would. That's.
If anyone saw that. That'd be tough.

Speaker 1 Wearing a fucking virtual mask. Especially if I had one on, because what I'd be doing with it, I'd have to definitely lock the door.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Chris and Tommy had no problem playing it. That's so funny.
I mean, that is fun. And it does sound kind of fun.
Oh, no, he was on, these were Apple Pro Vision.

Speaker 1 So he was doing Apple Pro augmented reality, so he could see you. But it was just like his apps.

Speaker 1 He was just.

Speaker 1 Yeah, if somebody's wearing an Oculus in public, you can ball tap. Yeah.
You have to. No, these are Vision Pros.
But yeah, oculus would be crazy he being totally blind but he would just go

Speaker 1 jesus christ he was just bringing his text closer

Speaker 1 enhance yeah it was tough it was a tough look i don't know maybe maybe there's you know i think there might be babes that are into that kind of shit if you're just fucking completely futuristic

Speaker 1 maybe you know we'll see someone there's someone for everybody yeah there is

Speaker 1 just another babe with vision pro

Speaker 1 you see each other's big emoji screens at each other it'd be nice.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I didn't realize he was plugged in the whole time.
Yeah, he's plugged in. Dang, dude.
Connected to the grid. That's just fucking crazy.
That's fucking crazy. Yeah,

Speaker 1 the Apple Pro or even Oculus in public, I would definitely steer away. That's crazy.
No. Switch, two-player Switch with the screen on a suitcase, totally fine.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it was fine. There's an old man.
He was 80 years old

Speaker 1 just watching us play, just completely blown away, but be like, what is that thing? We're like trying to explain it it to him. He's like, That is so cool.
That's nice. It was really nice.

Speaker 1 And we end up sitting next to him on the plane. He was a man.
He was like an almond farmer in Sacktown, actually. Oh, no.
From Sacktown.

Speaker 2 Remember when he was like, You guys got to join the Space Force because I think you're going to be able to get to the moon pretty soon. Yeah.
He was telling us to go to the moon.

Speaker 1 Oh, man. It's pretty sweet.
I was like, bro, I'm sorry. I'm not joyous as a fucking Space Force.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Half as old as you. Get the fuck out of here.
He's very optimistic. I liked it.
He was.

Speaker 2 His future is bright. I'm so sad.
I'm not young for this.

Speaker 1 That's why. Yeah.
Yeah. He's about to die.
Yeah. Yeah.
He's going, damn, the future is going to be so sick. I'm going to be able to do that.
I mean, he had so much FOMO. True.
He did have FOMO.

Speaker 1 He did have massive FOMO. I was playing Mario Kart at the fucking airport.
Yeah, dude.

Speaker 1 He saw me and showed me like Blue Shell. Yo, I think Blue Shell.
He'd be going, what the fuck is Blue Shell?

Speaker 1 He'd go, it hits the guy in first. He's like, how did I come up with this shit?

Speaker 1 We're going to be at Mars in no time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I'd be sitting there and be like, dude, I hit a shortcut. And he was probably like, what the fuck? This guy's a fucking freak.
It was so fun. This guy must be top gun.

Speaker 1 That was so fun. That was, man, I was sad to be able to put that thing away.

Speaker 1 It's good for the airport. Yeah, it's unbelievable.
Got to get the switchy. Especially to the stranger.
Be like, yo, take the controller.

Speaker 1 Sean was nice, too. He was kind of killing it, man.

Speaker 1 You're what? Sweaty Sweaty gamer. You're a sweaty gamer?

Speaker 2 Sweaty gamer.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you get serious.

Speaker 1 It's just a game. The UFC losses send you home every time.

Speaker 1 Anytime we play UFC,

Speaker 1 he loses like three. Yeah.
And he goes, I have to go, actually.

Speaker 1 It's just a game.

Speaker 1 It's a hot snack and

Speaker 1 screams. We do got to reestablish rank.
We haven't reestablished rather than the ranks are settled, dude. I just put on a power vacuum.
Did you? No, there's no power vacuum. It's a bloodbath, dude.

Speaker 2 dude someone at the naples shows was asking us to pod pod tournament ufc again oh well

Speaker 1 their their wish could be granted yeah

Speaker 1 we could we could do that right now yeah uh no nate nate and i stayed up had a couple cocktails on sunday and i might have beat him 20 straight games it was bad it was a bad one

Speaker 1 but i was i was hammered i showed up drunk at like six that was like 230. i showed up i was drunk true i was drinking on the plane True.

Speaker 2 Shit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. No handicap.

Speaker 1 Yeah, nice try. Damn.

Speaker 1 This is my favorite, though. When you get drunk and someone's beating you in a video game, you go, yeah, you fucking like, you feel good about this.
I did that. That's a big thing.

Speaker 1 I got soda with that. That's a picture.
In like a real way.

Speaker 1 Soda couldn't beat me in NCAA. And then we came home from the bar.
And I was hammered, and he's sober. Yeah.
He just beat the shit out of me. And it was like 3 a.m.
I'm just sitting there.

Speaker 1 I was like, you feel real good about this? Oh, you're fucking going. Yeah, I'll run up the score.
You feel cool? And he was like, honestly, no.

Speaker 1 He's like, I don't like this. And I was like, all right, let's go to bed, dude.
You won.

Speaker 1 I don't like this. Yeah, he's like, dude, this sucks.
You're being like really mean. I was losing and being so nasty.

Speaker 1 It's such a fucking

Speaker 1 fucking tough, dude.

Speaker 1 Fucking beat me when I'm drunk, dude. Meanwhile, I was like, yo, let's play NCAA.

Speaker 1 He did run the score up. It was fucking brutal.

Speaker 1 It's just funny. To have like your remaining faculties and just be like, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 1 You can barely see. Just a so

Speaker 1 nice. Oh, you fucking cocksucker, dude.
You think you're really fucking cool. Your brain is just like fizzing out.
It's just like, you know, you're a real piece of shit.

Speaker 1 It's like the last four centers or lit.

Speaker 1 Yeah. That's so fucking funny.
But that is, yeah, that'll get you. Yeah, if you're

Speaker 1 trying to, if you're drunk in gaming, it's not at your best. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you handled it well. He had, he was like, he was like Rudy Rudiger.
He kept being like, dude, one more play. Run it back.
Same matchup.

Speaker 1 I was like, dude, these are first-round knockouts with like insane knockout. He would try to go to the ground.
I would just submit it.

Speaker 1 I had moments where I was locking in.

Speaker 1 I had moments and I kept thinking I was like, the next one.

Speaker 1 Obviously, there's 20 games.

Speaker 1 You're going to get close. I agree, though.
If you get knocked out fast, I have the same thing where I'm like,

Speaker 1 I know, where I'm like, I know what I did. I know what I did.
I got your game mapped out. Let's fire it up.
And then you get knocked out again. You go, fuck.

Speaker 1 What am I not thinking of right now?

Speaker 1 That's what I, maybe I'm not focused enough that I like look hard, scrunch up my,

Speaker 1 and do more, get knocked out.

Speaker 1 You see your guy get knocked out in more clarity. That's all it is.

Speaker 1 I know. I was real focused on getting my ass whooped.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then he wouldn't leave.

Speaker 1 He dug in. He lingered.

Speaker 1 I went to bed while he was still in my house. Are you practicing? I was having a good time.
I was watching

Speaker 1 76ers highlights and they were like, oh shit, my Uber's 18 minutes away. I was like,

Speaker 1 I'm going to bed, bro. And then I laid in there and the fucking, it was so loud.
I'm just listening to the lady announcer from the 76ers screaming. She's the best.
She is actually really great.

Speaker 1 Kate's the best.

Speaker 1 I'm usually very opposed to that. She's actually great.

Speaker 1 She's a man. She's like one of the tops.
Oh, really? Yeah, she's good.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Kate.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, LeMaire. Don't talk about Kate Scott like that.

Speaker 1 Don't talk about my sweet angel, Kate Scott. Yeah, no, she rules.
She's the best. I've yet to see her.

Speaker 1 Well, it's probably an hour, huh? Yeah. It's got to be.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about it, Nate.

Speaker 1 What are you going to say? No. I was just going to answer your question for you, Nate.
Where are we at? 89.

Speaker 1 Well, why the fuck

Speaker 1 you say?

Speaker 1 Why the fuck would you do that?

Speaker 1 Well, actually, no.

Speaker 1 Not an hour.

Speaker 1 You did it. Well, now

Speaker 1 the listeners are going to go, oh, that's an hour. Now I finished.
They're going to bust at the end. Everybody finished.
Go fast right now. We need you to go fast.
Don't go.

Speaker 1 Ooh, you're about to do it. Yes.

Speaker 1 Well, goodbye. Nice.

Speaker 1 Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.