Ep 590 - Wildcat

The wild wild west. Oh no, they don't even tell me I was that king.
It was not on the kingdom coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns and small air time.

Bro, what are you talking about? Look at the size of the cat. No, the uh he had that size of the cat, yeah.

The cat, I think, is uh, let me see. Brother, just feast your eyes.
I see it. That thing's fucking nasty as hell.

So you know what? You know what the beast does? The beast versus the wildcat. The wildcat is...
The beast is

newer, dude. It's the longest, too.

It's kind of cap.

Fuck the beast, dude. The beast is longer than the wildcat.
Hurts your part.

Yeah,

the wildcat is like higher, I think, and has. Yeah, of course it is.
It's huge. It's so scary.
Dang, dude.

Bro, a classic figure eight design, which often focuses on the class. Okay, Mike.
Wildcat's just an out-and-back classic.

So the forces on the wildcat are rougher you want to if you ride the beast you want to claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world it's like you know what i mean when was the beast constructed i don't know but my thing is it's not as uh rough and tumble as the wildcat so the beast is like a longer ride which gives it the biggest quote-unquote uh wooden roller coaster in the world but we're talking g-forces here so

damn

it's probably built a long time ago it was fucking 1979 79

it's the biggest

there's nothing I can say.

Don't know. No.
Don't. No, I was wrong.
There's nothing I can do. Don't get down on Hershey, dude.

Hershey is, it's still, Hershey has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

I'm telling you, I busted my fucking lip on the Wildcat.

And this guy is going to wear an I survived Hershey shirts.

You're going to steal Valley like that?

How'd you bust your lip on the Wildcat? The fucking thing comes to a screeching halt. I smacked my face.

It It was nothing to me, dude. Spent the rest of the day bloodied up.
What would you rather do if you're at Dorney Park? You go into the amusement park or Wild Water Kingdom?

As a young man, the water park. As an old man, you're saying now when you're married.
Old man, I'd like to not, yeah. Because

when you're a young man, that's getting soaked at a park is a young man's game.

I didn't give a fuck. I would walk around just drenched all day.

Now I'd be so mad.

You don't realize how I went to a water park recently and you don't realize how fucked up you get on those slots. You get elbow burns non-stop, dude.
I got off and I was like, God, my fucking

ride I was on was with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude.

Right up first turn, I got flipped off the raft and just slowly landed in the pond. It's also like

an absolute vacuum seal on your dick. Two vacuum sealed.
You get off that thing. You're like, yo, dude, the tenis is fully fucking

my tenis could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit. It was vacuum sealed.
It was tight. It's crazy, dude.
I think we had also regular gym shorts on, which is, yeah, that's not the move.

I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels. Yeah.
I was like, dude, I for real can't get out of this. I remember some people were just coming down, landing next to me, and I was like,

Matt came back with a hotel towel, so it was like this big. I just covered my tenis, hopped into the lazy river.

Damn it. Had a tenis in the fucking.
Yeah, and I remember that we had, we were the only people, adults there without kids. So we were just like riding behind.

Like a guy would be like down the bottom waiting for his child. You'd see shade flying around.
He'd be like, hit him with the title, then with a big wave.

So, dude.

So that boy up there? I've avoided water parks since. I kind of, I went to one in indoor last summer, and I, it was pretty nice.
The lines, though, are just ridiculous, man. Yeah.

Especially when you're like, you know, you're there with your kids. You're like, you know, you got to bust the move.
You're like, I'm going to go to my wife.

I'm like, all right, hit the kids for a second. I'm going to run up the slide.
35-minute wait. I'm just looking down, seeing her tapping her foot.
I'm like, she don't be fucking pissed about this.

Told you, I stopped a young fat boy, try to do the old, like, oh, my friends are up there kind of thing. And I would hit him with the, you stop, you go to the back.
You can wait.

I was like, tell your friends to go back and wait with you. And they actually, he went and got his fence.
Oh, he was telling the truth and shit.

Nah, man, fuck that.

Can't be doing that. There's a lot of butters going on in those water parks, bro, and I'd like to shut it down.
Yeah.

You know, I don't have a lot of authority over anybody, but I'm pretty sure I can take a couple of chubby 10-year-olds. I feel like water parks have become a minorities game.
Oh, yeah, big fan.

They kind of all

were.

They scouted them hard in the 90s.

Where I'm from, they weren't

around. I'm saying I think they scouted them hard in the 90s because they were white.
The whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the 90s.

But then we did control the yard, dude. Well, that was because that was our generation of whites.
True, we used to control the yard pretty heavily.

Saw some black kids.

Not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park.

you could yell anything back then true

water is our world though true yeah come into the lazy river

felt like kevin costner and the wave pool just like i am fucking water world

when we were there it was the hardworking river

nate did you get to some water parks with your shirt on

uh no i was i was i went i went topless really i went topless were you shredded as a kid like No, that wasn't a fat thing. That was just black people wear shirts.

Socks. I would do socks.
I would do socks or I would do water shoes. You got to do water shoes.
I would do water shoes to this day. Bro, water shoes is so crazy.
Water shoes is not.

Walking around barefoot in there is crazy. No, it's not.
No, not when you're a young, young man. When you're a young woman.
No, dude. From a young age, black people get it drilled in their heads.

Their bare feet can never touch the earth.

The earth not to touch the earth.

They've never grounded. They've never grounded.
They've never grounded. Dude, sneakers on in the house.
No bare feet. They're never grounded in the house.

Sneakers on the house is a white person thing. No.
Slippers in the house. Oh, yeah, true.
Sneakers. It's some type of slippers in the house.
There's house shoes I've learned.

There's such things as your shoes for the house. I guess I guess sneakers in the house is pure white trash.
That's just white trash.

Nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house and they're like, take your shoes off. We have slippers next to the door.

I got to wear fucking slippers now with these jeans. I look like a fucking moron.

Or just don't provide any slippers. Just let your

because I just, it took me a while, but it is like if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them, like, I don't, we try not to put any shoes on our second floor, but every now and again, I'll like already have my shoes on.

I'd be like, fuck my wallets upstairs. And I walk up and I'm just like thinking of all the piss I stepped in in the fucking airport in the bedroom in the bathroom.
I'm like, well, whatever.

I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine.
Yeah.

But yeah, no, that's that's good. Yeah, I used to, I like water parks, man.
Water parks rule. They're fucking sick, man.

What you do? You got wet and wild? Yeah, at the Schlitter Bond. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come.

The Aquasax were two-day prime shipping. They were going to get me.

It was like 100 degrees, I think.

Yeah, it was fun, though. Schlitter Bond.

Check it out. That's what you got? Thank you.
Yep. No jokes? Nothing funny about it? Yeah, what the hell happened? What did you do? Did anything good happen? Yeah, well, the Lazy River was pretty fun.

Yeah.

It was actually called the

Torrent River because it was like a wave pool mixed with the Lazy River. I like that.
That's kind of really fun.

I feel like they probably could have named it the Crazy River instead of the Torrent River.

The Crazy River would have been good. I am really fun.
I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your penis went off your butt. You're going so fast and you liked it.
Who told you that?

Your girlfriend told us

you popped in your own butt.

You said you bind yourself in the speed slides. Self-by on the speed slides.

Well, that wasn't wasn't going to mention that. Is it a 16-year-old boy had to pull you out of yourself?

He was starting a lawnmower. He's struggling.
He's going,

just ripping that thing out.

You need to push down your nipples like the primer just to get you.

Is that true?

Well. Did your penis fly into your butt while you were going down a slipping side and you came in your own butt? Yeah, that's true.

And a 16-year-old boy had to have pull it out and prime your nipples. Is that true?

Yeah, I wasn't going to mention it, but that did happen. Your girlfriend told us that.
Your girlfriend told us that. Well, I'll have to talk to her about that.

You're going to have to have a talk with her. I'm going to have to have a stern talk with her.
You can't keep telling people about the time my fingers were in my butt.

When I came in my own butt of the sliding slot.

Just hitting the water right as you cover your butt.

It was fun, though. Check it out.
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Yeah. Anyway, I stand by the Wildcat after reviewing.
No, dude, I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend because you were right. You were right about the beast.

I was wrong about the Wildcat.

I just heard, I didn't know that was Wildcat, the tallest or something?

Why did they fucking tell me that, dude? It's the largest wooden roller coaster. Also, no one knew any other.
It was like pre-internet. No one could just go.
This is the biggest fucking thing ever.

Yeah. No one could be like, like, well, there's actually a big one in, you know, wherever, Ohio.
They didn't even know. Probably know where the fuck Ohio was.

Why do you think this is a question I was thinking of recently? Why do you think they made you memorize the capitals of the states? Was that like some sort of like military knowledge?

Was there some sort of practical benefit of that that comes from like the military? Or was that just like. I think it's a good thing to know.
Why?

It's important, dude. I went to the capital in Idaho this weekend.
Boys?

Yeah. See?

Bro, you can just walk right in. Really? I mean, I don't know if I should tell everyone, but yeah, you just walk right in.

I mean, you can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's. We went to the governor's office.
What? Just walked in. So, what's up? Yeah, what's up? Just talked to the guy.

He was signing a bill or some shit. What? He was pretty nice.
That is nice. He's a nice fella.
We got a picture together, and then I was like,

I don't know. I wonder what his politics are.
Because I just, it's a nice endorsement photo. Also, I heard Idaho's.
It's in a track suit going.

It's like, my bad, I I didn't know I was going to meet the governor today. Yeah, I just dressed like a fool.
I was in sweatpants. I mean, how could you have known? You're not.
I had no idea.

We were walking up the steps, and these two dudes walked out. We're like, you can just walk in.
I was like, all right. Dang.
We'll do it.

I guess, yeah. Well, Philly's not the capital, but you can just like walk in City Hall.
Oh, no, no, you can't actually.

There's like a signing desk. You're right.
Yeah, I don't know, man. I heard Idaho is kind of a wild state.

It was a good state. I heard it's nice, but I heard if you go to like, I think it's like northern Idaho, the whites, I think the whites are running the yard.
They run the yard, yeah, for sure.

In northern Idaho, I heard it's very for sure. Yeah, yeah, that's where all the craziest whites are.
Yeah, like that and like Washington and Oregon out there.

Yeah, but I also heard Idaho is like one of the, it was like a sneaky kind of destination. Like people started buying places up out there.
That's what the governor was telling me. Yeah.

Oh, the Kardashians, dude. He was saying there's, we've, we've had half a million people every year.
It's too many people.

No, it's apparently Idaho is a sneaky, I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office.

I don't know how many fucking people listen in idaho by the way that's on him man he better fucking beef up his security there was a woman there was a secret there was a secretary desk and she was like come in yeah that's that was this a lady go wait he doesn't have an appointment you go get the fuck out of the way excuse me i have to meet with the governor i'm taking a selfie with the governor right now yeah it's pretty sick that's cool i met a politician in salt lake city a guy running for mayor And he had, I was at like, it was like an outdoor, it was like a farmer's market.

And he was like, yeah, usually, you know, this is like this park. I was I was like, It's a beautiful park.
And he was like, Yeah, it's usually like there's a lot of homeless people here.

And I'm like, Oh, that's sick. You don't see any here right now.
He's like, Well, the police came and removed them. I was like, Dude, fuck you.
And he was like, No, it's actually a travesty.

I'm running against that. It's very mean.
The fact that they came in. I was like, Oh, shit, my bad, brother.
I'm all for it every single time.

Every single time that, like, we rounded them up and got him out. I'm like,

Good job. I don't know where you put them in fucking Utah.
Where are you going to take him? Fucking the mountains? Maybe.

I was just coming from. Let them Donner party out there.
fucking grub on each other for a month

i was just coming from the point of like yeah this if there were a bunch of homeless people milling around this would be a you know less elevated experience obviously yeah just kind of a it's a fucking bummer bro we went from boise where the whites are definitely holding down the yard to then portland where the whites are still holding down the yard but they're nasty evil whites true they're rotten crusty whites dude it was portland fucking this crazy

portland's a good city it is a great city we had a we had a different different experience. We had a very nice experience.
I tried to go back to that same bar and got fucking murdered.

That bar was right next to the venue. It was nice.
Yeah.

There were no cool motorcycle guys riding in circles. No kids hitting cars with scooters.
Yeah, they were having a good time last time we were there, but this time there was the bums.

The bums have won, Lebowski.

The bums won. I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground filled with like shit.

Saw right next to a giant dead rat, and then just.

think the rat ate the shit and died. Yeah.

It was

that sucks. Yeah, they got to clean it up because it's such a beautiful city.
Yeah, Portland fucking rules. The thing, and again, it's like, what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground?

There's nothing you can do. No.
Except you got, I don't think it's like, how do you get him pumped?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you put meth under like a box with a stick.

There you go.

All right, we got another one. Doesn't even trap, it just falls on him.
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Yeah, I don't know, man.

You could do a thing where it's like, you know how they gave the Nazi soldiers meth?

Something like that, but then like, you know, better programming, obviously. You want them to invade somewhere.

Blitzkrieg. Blitzkrieg.

With job applications. Take Vancouver.

Blitzkrieg.

We should just, yeah, that'd be a nice little undercover op, just like meth them up and be like, yo, that's the Canadian border. I bet you can't get in there.

I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemy's houses.

Like somebody I don't like. You're talking about ordering one up and being just going to downtown Austin, get a mega bus.
Yeah. That's cheap as fuck.

You guys are headed to the town of one of my enemies. I'm just going to lower the property value in whatever town my enemy lives in.

And this is kind of what politicians were doing. They were really doing it, but I'm saying you can do that at a personal level.
Oh, you could for sure. You can just get them on a bus.

I'll give each of you $100. Yeah.

There was a guy, I saw saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around, pay homeless people 25 bucks for their social security birth date and all this stuff, take out credit cards in their name

and cash advances. He would just get like tons of money from all these people.

And then he would get a cell phone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well and hand that guy the cell phone.

And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do like a purchase, but it went back to that cell phone. The police would track it and arrest the homeless person.

It's a win-win. It was kind of awesome.
Look, I know we're being rude to the homeless. We are.
But they've been rude to me. They have, they can be.
They yell at me, they scream at me.

They can be rude. But, you know, again, they do yell, they scream, they taunt.

But, you know.

In Portland, I heard so many screams. Like, just down the street, you just hear basically the guy that scared the queen.
I was the queen. I would hear someone scream, and I'd be rushed away.

James McCain would grab me and rush me into a building.

That's the funniest video still to this day of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing.

I heard several of those. San Francisco had the bums.
Yeah. They had the bums still.

Me and

we had a run from a bum for chasing us. What the hell was he chasing you for? We went to look at the sea lines at the wharf, and there was just a big fucking bum.
He was a tall boy. Landline.

Yeah, he was. He was a tall boy.

His pants were both ripped straight down so he was wearing like i don't know he looked like the scream guy his clothes were all like loose but he was on he was screaming at the top of his lungs dude

yeah and he was just we gotta we gotta get those homeless boys some knee pads bro some face slides sliders dude we gotta turn them to sliders now this is this is the type of forward thinking

We could have the fucking sickest country on earth if we had a billion sliders in every city.

I would pay them, bro.

They could make a good living if they just started sliding. Someone's got to hook them up with Venmos, too, because nobody has cash anymore.

I saw some bums with Venmos. Yeah.
Yeah, but it's like, you got a slide for me, Poppy. If I'm going to be giving,

if I'm going to be don't have cash. My words, exactly.

I said to him, I said, bro, you got a Venmo sign? You need to slide when we, Poppy. Need to slide.

Or glove. I would take gloving, too.

If they they were gloving, I'd be like, all right, that's fair. Yeah.

I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a glover than a slider. That's fucking ridiculous.
I'm sorry. I know.
Sliding's obviously way more mask and tough.

Sliding's so sick. You saw the pig guy sliding.
Dude, I know. I've seen it.

Sliding's fucking nasty as hell. I'm just saying, deep down inside, I might be a glover.

Sliding's sick, but imagine if we pitched out this house black or total, you know, no lights, and I was fucking. Okay, I hear you.
Think of somebody who sliding there.

Sparks? Oh, fuck. Sparks at night.
True. Come on.
All right, that's fair. It depends, though.

I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the glovers would fucking rock. Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place.

If you're on mushrooms and some dude with like ghoul paint, but that, yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know. True.
I like alcohol.

If I was drunk watching sliders, I'd be like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude.

If I was drunk watching the glove guy, I'd be like, dude, get the fuck out of here, fucking bullshit. Your fucking hands out of my face.

But if you got, yeah, psychedelics and the sliders would really

fucking ruin it.

This guy's a fucking idiot. This is crazy.
Just the face paint alone. This is somebody's son.

He's doing sliding. He's sliding on the road in fucking Sacramento.

He's a fucking idiot. But yeah, we continue to search for, you know, something for the homeless to do.
And I think sliding is a good thing. Sliding's a very good start.
It's definitely a plan out.

I haven't heard of any good options. Dude, imagine you go to apply for like a warehouse

right outside your interview. You're sucking.

Slide into the interview. Slide.

Or just do the sparks on your pants. Or again, though, break out the gloves during the mid-interview.
Do you have any special talents? You go, yeah. Hold on, hold on.

Turn out the like you turn the lights off, please.

You're hired.

You're the CEO now.

I'm also down with raw gloving stuff. What are we talking about? What about a sliding glover? glover?

Slide into the meeting, hit the glove, slide out.

Yeah,

what is the Ether War distinction all about? Why can't you be both, for real? True.

That'd be so fucking tough. That'd be so nasty.
I swear to God, sliders are holding down the yard, though.

They're definitely beating the fuck out of the glover, guys. Sliders are nuts.
I mean, definitely.

How many undercover sliders do you think we're at Skank Fest?

How many undercovered sliders

were at

There had to be seven to eight sliders there.

I mean, dude, this next one's SkangFest X.

Dude, let's ruin SkangFest. Let's hire bums to go to SkangFest.

Let's just hide wherever they fucking book it. Let's ship a thousand bums

and sliders.

With strict instructions to slide.

All they have to do is chase Lewis Jay Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Lewis.
Whenever you see this man, chase him.

If they do it on like an island, I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have an amphibious operation to get.
We'd have to get them over.

We need a duck boat.

We need the H-boats from D-Day. Just lower the doors and let them slide out.

Yeah.

Damn. That'd be so fucking funny.
I mean, putting sliders in any situation is hilarious. Dude, I'm surprised no one's slid at Skank Fast yet.
It's coming. People are sliding.

We should just at least hire some sliders as a gift for the Skank Fest. True.

You never saw sliders? He doesn't know what sliders or glovers are.

Welcome to the revolution.

Bro, you're going to sit around and say white people don't have culture.

Sliders and glovers?

Holy shit.

Dude, for real. That'd be nice for

Skank Fest 10 to be like, dude, we got you.

SkangFan.

Yeah, for 10, for Skank Fest X, if we just send, and it's like, hey, hold an hour slot for us. We're just doing a talent show.
And just have sliders and glovers.

I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that.

SkankFest 10, you and me will have a live show.

Yeah.

Sliders versus glovers. That'd be awesome.
We should just pre-record. Just pre-record and have us on the TV.
Yeah, true. We don't have to go.
Just zoom in. Just zoom.

Oh, welcome. Thank you, everybody.
It's like if we died from them, we were like, you know, sending a message of the future. That's.

You have made it here. Great.
Excellent.

Now, an hour and a half of guys sliding.

Oh, I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders. They were hitting my algo, and I was like...

How did you keep that to yourself for so long? I told every single person. I was sharing them just me and one guy just going back and forth sharing sliders.

I'm thinking hopefully your algo might have charged mine and hit me with the fucking slider material because it's my, I was on glovers for a while.

Who do you like more, Nate? Do you like sliders or glovers?

The glovers are weirder to me. They freaked me out, actually.

Yeah, that's some type of

hypnotism magic.

It was too much individual finger movement, like together. I didn't like those two choreographers.
Sliders just come in, sliders. Sliders or sliders.

Slide, do something cool, maybe drag their head across. Yeah.
Hold on, but who do you... You got to show them the sparks.
I should have. I saw the sparks.

My question is: so, if you're at like a like an all-black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better, a Glover or Slider? Glover. I think you got a slider.

Slider might be getting his ass beat.

I think they might be his ass. No, I think Slider is going to get like because Glover is going to be like, get that shit out of here, but Slider's going to be like, oh, shit, every time he slides.

That's a good point.

But no face paint, though, obviously. You couldn't wear the demonish, the demonic face paint.
No, you couldn't.

They like that. It depends on the time of the day.
You love the purge masks.

I love the purge, but I don't love purge masks.

Slide in the shy state. I can't wait till we start slide.
Y'all don't want to see us slide. I didn't bring that, did you? What? That shy.
Oh, I didn't bring it. I forgot my shy.
I know.

I forgot my shy style. I should have worn it.
I was right when he said it. I was like, damn, Matt's probably holding that, trying to break that out.
I should have busted it.

You're going to hit me with it when I'm not looking. I should have put that thing on.
I got to get that. My wife is threatening to throw it out.

I told her I was going to throw away all her pocketbooks if she throws away my shy. I was like, I'll throw all your dumb fucking purses out.

She knows I'm thugging.

She knows. She thinks you're going back to your old.
Yeah.

She knows she's a bad boy. I'm going to post up.
She's going to post up and trap.

She just finally got out of the trap. She was literally in the trap with me.
You can't start trapping again, bro. Please.
I know the streets are calling. That'd be so nice.

I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like a thousand pounds of weed and just go dumb. It'd be so sick.

Yeah, you could like really get arrested oh i know i could go really crazy i could get like a shipping first of all i can buy a shipping container and i could probably fill it that'd be so tough could you zoom from prison uh they have tablets i wonder if we could uh i i i probably could get some sort of like program bro that'd be the podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail the only thing i thought about it i used to think about it all the time if i go to jail i'd be like they'll if i got out i'd still be sick it'd be fine but yeah no they have tablets now in prison i just found that out i'll give you some verses from the phone remember they used to do that on rap albums i would call in from the jail.

Hey, what's up, Shane? Yeah, this is what I was thinking about. Yeah, that'd be, I think about trapping all the time, dude.
It'd be so tight.

It'd be so because I could actually get like a fucking bad guy HQ now. Yeah, it'd be so fucking good.

You have black guys in purge masks. Dude, ham sliders.
I could get a van and a lair. You could have

henchmen. That'd be sick as hell.
And I could just pulling into your own bad guy lair and like having guys just lower the fucking garage door. It's all I want.
It's all I want. That's fair.

That's something you should aspire to. Yeah.

Bad guy lair, just guys pulling up a door. Yep.

I need boss. I remember there was like a warehouse.
I knew someone that had like a warehouse set up and I was just so jealous.

I would go in there and buy weed and I'd be like, this is so fucking sick. You have a warehouse.
They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome.

Anyone knocked up, they'd just be like, fuck, who the fuck is that?

He's like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right fucking now.
That'd be awesome.

Yes.

I'd like that if you got it. I might turn on you, though.

I don't like that. I don't like that stuff.
What do you mean? I don't like you trapping, dude. I would report you.
That'd be nice, too. I'd start wearing a wire.

You'd have to have me strip at gunpoint.

You're at a cafe. You're at like an outdoor cafe with the FBI.
I'd be like, he just brought in a thousand pounds of Zgittles.

He's making Schizlers again. Schizzlers.

Yeah. I did make gummies, but regular gummies.
I made regular gummy bears. It was kind of nice.
I made it for my kids. How were they received?

You know what, man? They're kind of nasty about it because I'm fuckers. Yeah, well, I didn't let them dry enough.
So they were like, these are yucky.

And I was just like, the first batch they liked, and the second ones they were. They said, well, I just can't do anything right.

I try so hard.

What else is going on? Fucking hell.

Again, that coffee cup. Trying to kill me.
Fuck. It's probably the fucking Sinaloa cartel.
True, they heard me. Dream about my Skittles.
Yeah. Donald Trump's going to blow up your boat.

You can be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drug boat.

No, I was telling you this weekend,

who the hell's that?

Someone just said, hello. Hold on, Nate.

Let's take a look at who this is.

Matt, it's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty, elite hoops every night, and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line.

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I like that. Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh.

I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny. Kenny Gainwell, I like that.

Yeah, that's what I would like to do. Personal story, a time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart.

Never. Yeah.

Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock yours in yours.
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It's good to be right. It's going to be right.
Hey.

We're back. Yeah, salesman interrupted the fucking flow.
It was It was door-to-door salesman. I saw him try to hit you with the, hold on, now.
Oh, bro.

These guys have been hit with the algorithm of how to be a salesman. How to conquer objections.
Yeah, the objection of just like, yo, get the fuck out of here.

Literally like, dude, beat it. Coming over.
Yeah, coming out with a dude, beat it stuff. He wanted to, I think, remodel your entire house.
I should have let him. I'm renting.
True.

Yeah, fucking tear down every wall. Send me the bill.
Yeah.

Yeah, that's fucking bullshit.

Also, like, if you're doing door-to-door sales, there's got to be something in it for me me in terms to listen to it you know what i mean like for the podcast at least we do a podcast and then there's ads you should have to do like a solo like five minute solo cast true come up and be like dude that's crude you hear about that uh

brought him in and been like all right give us your sales pitch

hit us with the pitch and he's been hold on yeah we could have done for some andy elliott action andy elliott i saw a clip of him yeah let me see let me see bro if you're not fucking ripped no way he i think someone was talking on him in the comments and then he somehow found the guys where he worked

and called the guy and gave him a chance to overcome his objections and roleplay, and the guy froze, and he was just like, that's what it's about, man. The guy fucking froze.
He blew.

I see him call people, and I'm like, I would have been that guy. And he called me like, I saw you have a 2007 Honda on the lot.
I'd be like,

yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

I don't, do you want to come in and look at it?

It's on the website. It's probably up there.

all right see ya no the guy started going like I can't hear you he's like you can hear me I know you can hear me don't do that I was also I was like that's a good move I would have done that too I only had one guy hit me with that and it was a Chinese man really yeah he came in he wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey I didn't know one thing about it

he's like take the middle seats out I want to see how it looks without seats and I was like fuck all right

couldn't I didn't know how couldn't get the ones I couldn't move any of the seats I was like this I don't know how to do it he should be like bro this is gonna be your car i want to see you get familiar with this you go ahead now see matt that would make you an expert salesman i just bent over and was like

jesus christ fucking shit i'm sorry i can't do it

how did he take that he got he was very mad and he left what he didn't like my he didn't like me just that you couldn't take the seats out yeah he wanted an honorable yeah he wanted somebody who cared Yeah, that makes sense.

I actually got in trouble for that. For not being able to take the seats out.
Yeah, because my manager came over and was like, what's going on?

He was like, your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. Like, he can't, he doesn't know anything about this car.
Geez. I was like,

he's right. Yeah, he got me.
Would the manager train you on how to take the doors out? Yeah, he was like, sit down and read the fucking pamphlet about the Ondo Odyssey. I just

sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer, got on Sporkle, did like top five Heismans from each year.

Sat down.

Yeah, reading the manual, it's crazy. No shot.
That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down.
He's like, you need that.

Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything you know. I'm like, bro, get the fuck out of here.
He, dude, he claims he checks his oil every time. He fills up his gas.

I'm like, dude, you're the biggest liar. You got to check your game.
Every time you get a gas, check your oil. And I'm like, there's no.

There's a gauge. That's what I'm saying.
You can look at it. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, he holds it down. He's like, that thing's still going to go.

He's like, dude, that oil runs out. Your whole car.

I was like terrified for everything and my car is just going to stop working one day. But yeah, that's.
My dog got a a little oil on his dipstick at the water pump.

His old dipstick went right in the gas tank. Dude, it was crazy because I heard after his dick went up his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards.

Which when he hit the water, it jammed it up first. Oh, no.

Is that true? It was a deep pie?

The deep self-pie? Yeah, that's true. Unfortunately, it was a cannoli in your whop butt.

A little whop cannoli.

You messed up.

I'm sorry this happened for for real, man. I'm really, it's got to be tough.
Yeah, but it's, you know, I'm all right now. How many penile injuries are at the water park every year?

There's got to be a good amount. A lot, dude.
Yeah, there's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunderclapped on their balls.

Dude, I got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life. I was lifting weights and just, boom, I had a massive headache out of nowhere.
It was scary.

I looked it up. I was kind of pumped and I saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache.
I was like, yeah, obviously this. Oh my God, that's fucking sick.
It's like a Norse

some type of Viking headache. Literally.
That's kind of what happened.

Yeah, it fucking sucked, man. It came out of nowhere.
I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was just. Yeah.
If you hold your breath, I swear to God.

My face was bright red, and I just got like an out of nowhere, a crazy headache, then it went away.

But yeah, that's what happens with like fucking, you know, if you get like brain bleeding, you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache, and then

sad.

Sad. It is.
It is sad. Scary, dude.
I was fucking up. It's scary.

I think I saw my grandmom died. Yes.

Deadlifting.

Probably.

Probably, dude.

Getting closer, bro. I'm getting closer to the thousand-pound club.
I'm at 825. You're going to get there.
825. I'm going to get there.
I got. You're bulking.
175 pounds left.

The allegations are not going anywhere.

Dude, I'm down. Bring in Derek for more plates, more dicks.

You're juicy.

I'll test. I'll test whenever.
We talk about it. Me and the guys.
You talk about how juiced I am? Yeah, dude. We got to do something.
His outbursts of anger are fucking crazy.

Matt called me the other day. He was just like, stop, you fucking pussy.
Fucking piece of shit.

I'm tired of carrying this whole fucking thing. Fuck you.
I was like, what the fuck, Matt? This isn't like you.

Ever since you went to Ways to Wells, you've been a real fucking jerk.

Nah, natty, I'm all natty and I'm chill too. I'm natty and I got the chill to prove it.

No, and then your wife called me and was like, Shane, I'm scared. And I was like, I couldn't believe that.
I was like, just hang in there a few moments. He's going to be all right soon.

I'm going to talk to him. I'm going to get him off the juice.

I could believe that. I came to his house to get him off the juice.
He was shirtless in the garage. I was like, oh, it was dark in there too.
It's like, what the fuck are you doing in here?

He was gloving, jacked.

He was like, get the fuck out of here, pussy.

I'm gloving, go hang out with your fucking

slider friends

now that's not a word we would use but not i was on the juice but he was juiced up that was weird making fun of somebody you don't have to fucking time stamp it yeah i do want to get some mass bells do you ever see those things they're like kettlebells mixed with dumbbells but you reach your hand inside of a steel ball and it's just like but you can hold it from the inside it's fucking sick you feel like mega man when it's on your hand i saw those things the other day i want them Yeah, that's all I've been doing for that.

Pretty chill. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what else is going on.
Are you excited for Christmas? What are are you going to do for the holidays? My house. We're staying right in there.
Man, Austin.

Yeah, my wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada. I keep trying to shut it down.
She's like, it'd be nice. It'd be snowy.

I'm like, you know, suck ass. It's no fucking snow.
I would say that'd be fucking cool. It would be cool.
My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have to kids.

You can be like, you want to go somewhere it snows? And I'm like, yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are going to appear in Canada.

I'm like, I'm not fucking shipping that and shipping it back. It's like, yeah, no fucking shot.
You're going to have a buddy. Bleak Christmas.
I got to go. I'm going going to go to my parents and be

a single man in my parents' basement for a few days.

True.

Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off.
Yeah.

I'm going to do it again. For Christmas, I'm going to get drunk and go to my parents' basement and jack off.
That would be, that's

bleak.

Not bad. Not bad.

I hear you. There is some peace and quiet.
There's peace and quiet, but I do hear what you're saying. I remember.
It's bleak. I remember when all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out.

I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird.
I would go to places and I'd be like, man, I just wish I wasn't here. Yeah, I'm not going to my friend's house.
You just feel weird.

I'd go, guys, ditch your family. Come to the bar.
True.

Come fat. Come fat.
And then I'm going to jack off in my parents' basement.

Shane?

What are you doing down there?

No, mom. I'm watching YouTube videos.

Okay. Let's get to bed.

Mom, it's fucking 11 o'clock. I'm not even tired.

You think I go to sleep at 11? P. Yeah, right.

Mom, I'm old as fuck.

Yeah, that'll be dark. What do you think? Like, because you don't have a curfew, obviously.
You can come and go as you please, your parents' house.

Where do you think the, like, where do you think that ends in terms of like your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go, all right, Shane? That's.

If I was, if they, if it was, like,

3 or 4 a.m. Yeah.
And I was still in the kitchen, like, drinking by myself, they would be really sad.

They would just be like, we need to talk. What if you pulled a sober all-nighter?

I think they would support it. If you just did a sober all-nighter and just stayed up all night playing video games.
Ah, they would believe, they would think there were narcotics.

I could do that. What? That might be a fun little Christmas.
Just get

a fucking eight ball and

no alcohol, just Coke for

Coke binge for Christmas at my parents. You should get like a $10,000 suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents' house.
You should go full McGregor, just full McGregor

before the Christmas tree. Just he got that stand up,

just draped in finery, too. Yeah, just pocket watch.

That'd be so fucking funny. You just,

especially if you only did a gentlemanly, just like a gentlemanly amount. Yeah, and you could do like Coke like when they did in like the 1800s.
That's what I'm saying.

Like just fully right in front of everyone. Just like

Self-call.

That's the move. That's the move.
Then just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends' kids in the show up and be like, what's up, my little guy? Blasted on Coke.
Going to everyone's house.

Business ideas out the wazoo. Massive gifts.

Hey, I got you a car.

I figured you guys could use Honda Odyssey. I don't know how to fucking dig the seats out, but it's all yours.

Let me guys show you how this thing works. Shit, I forgot.
Oh,

that's actually good. Yeah, that would be nice.
No alcohol, just Coke.

Be next to me. All night for three straight days.
Just $40,000 of chains.

So tight.

Oh, shit, I forgot to get you guys stuff here.

Take that.

Just go to people's houses and talk about the terms of their mortgage. But you guys refile on this? What was the interest rate when you wanted to see?

Yep. I ran into some party monsters, dude, at the show in Missouri, violent Bob Ross, dude.
He's partying.

They were having a good time. And, yeah,

that was the stickiest situation ever because it was like, I was learning in real time. And he was a UFC guy.
And then I was, you know, the classic thing.

Obviously, you're going to go fucking beat your ass.

And after a couple of those, I was like telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye, like, is this guy going to fucking tackle me and beat my ass? Because it became increasingly clear.

Like, oh, I think this guy is kind of legit. And

then, like, during the show, it got, you know, he was just having too much fun.

Kept just, you know, blurting stuff out in support of me, which is a tough one when you're like, dude, I know you're on my side, but just please, please chill. Yeah.

And at one point, I kind of bratted out. I'm like, man, security is tight as hell in here, man.
Jesus Christ. Good thing you guys are all over the case.

And finally, a security guard after like this fucking seventh time, a security guard comes up. And I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, dude.
Yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were.

What? The guy kept yelling. He was probably in the back, like, please, please, please, please, fuck no, dude.
Please. I think he was.
Dude, the guy's name is Violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name.
It is.

And the guy comes to like start the negotiations. And I just went, ah, give him one more chance.

Don't worry about it, bro. I went like, we're not at the mothership, dude.
I was like, I don't, we're just in the middle of Missouri. This guy's a.
Yeah, he's going to beat the fuck out of him.

He could have. I was like, this guy could have fucking killed.
He could have killed me and him. And I was just like, you know what, man? Give him one more shot.

I was like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now.
And then, but he did. He chilled.
And then towards the end, he started just like chirping a little. I'm like, bro,

we have 10 minutes. And it was funny, too, because I was generally worried that security was going to come back and try to kick him out, which, you know.
You can't kick him out.

You literally can't remove the guy. So it was just funny.
I remember it really felt like I was like when my kids wake up early and I'm like, shh, dude, dude, dude, come on. I know we're having fun.

Just come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible melee break out.
But yeah, so we chatted after the show. He was the man.
He was good, bro. He was just, he was too excited.
He was fired up.

Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas or do you think I should go to

LSD?

LSD would be chill.

Just take acid for three days at my parents? Yeah, that would be super chill. Kids come over.

Yeah, that would be nice. You can just munch.
I have a little dropper. You could just do like half a hit in the morning.
You know me.

You're going to munch. That one didn't hit.

Those did.

True.

I mean, even just once on Christmas Day, go to Mass.

A little midnight mass, and stay up all night.

Just watch slider videos.

I'll be like, Dad, come down. You got to see this.
What the hell is this?

God damn it. Please.
Please show Phil sliders.

He's going to be mad. He's going to be genuinely mad about it.

My mom will be like, well, that's nice.

Are these your friends?

Yes. Oh, my God.
That's Nate.

That's Nate Marshall. Tell your mom what what happened to Sean at the water park, too.
I will.

It was in the paper.

My mom saw it. It was in the paper.
His beauty just went up his butt, then he flipped around on his stomach and smacked his ass on the water.

Oh, man. Yeah, I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be.
Fuck, I'm kind of bummed out.

It'll be all right. I'll be all right.
Yeah, you're going to rent a car?

You can go to like a parking lot and like peel out somewhere. You should just peel out in the parking kill.
True.

The local police department will probably let you do it. They would.
They pulled up and be like, guys, I got a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out.
Guys, I just turned 38.

I'm living in my parents' house.

I should probably have a family by now.

I should be sliding right now. You're the fucking Down syndrome guy, right?

Yeah, that's me.

The drunk guy.

Excuse me, I've rented this Mustang for a reason. And just be like,

you'll never get me.

You fucking pussies could never catch me. Slide, slide to the whip.

They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the.

I'm going to do a slide, then suicide by cop.

Slide to the gun. Slide straight to the gun.

All right. This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter.
Matt, I need you to riff for me, Daddy.

What do you you like to watch around the holidays? Ooh, you know what I'm watching right now? Elf. That's great.
Elf is, I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever.

I've been laughing out loud the entire time. It just holds up.
But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create. Holy crap.
Writers.

Yeah, no, I never thought about it either. Writers, actors, editors, set designers.
When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter.

Try it free at ziprecruiter.com slash MSSP. I'm going to bring that up to my wife tonight when we're watching Elf.
I'm going to go, you know, it took a team of people to make it.

it a team of extraordinarily. Probably turn her on.

Yeah. See what we're seeing right now? That went through a camera.
That'll

blow her mind. She'll love that.
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Hey guys, please come out this weekend. I will be in Syracuse, New York.
Very big show. I'll be at the Funnybone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York.

And then January 16th and the 17th, I will be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas.

Also going to be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other cities. Go to MattMcCusker.com for tickets.
Thank you.

I just added shows today.

April 4th, Chicago. April 17th, Nashville.
April 18th, Charlotte. May 9th, Boston Garden.
And those are on sale right now with

pre-sale code SG Live.

Also, the link, please come to the link. Buy tickets now.

That's not till July, but get those tickets now. That thing's going to sell out and we're going to have cool stuff.
We're going to have sliders.

I swear to God, I'll get sliders. Please do.
It's going to be more of an event than a comedy show. There's going to be cool stuff.
It's going to be awesome. If I can get a flyover,

have a commercial pilot reroute and just fucking

be tight. Worst comes to worst.
Worst comes to worst. We got a national tragedy on our hands.

I want to get money.

All right, you're going to get yours, Guardo? Yeah. You got to get yours before I get mine.
Hello, everybody. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th.
Show your shirt. Oh, yeah, forgot.

I'll be at the Atlanta

Helium on January 22nd and 24th. Now, I'll be with my friend Aiden McCluskey.
There'll be good shows.

Holy slide.

Yo. Please.
Shogardidi.com, Atlanta Helium. Alpharetta, January 22 and 24th, please.
Thank you. Thank you.
Damn. Thank you, guys.

Did you ever have a money clip before?

No, I think people have tried to give me them, and I just can't. I had one.
I loved it. Well, that was probably when you were trapping.

It was like a teenager. Oh, really? I used to have a money clip that said Fat Matt was engraved in it, and I would keep like 80 bucks in it.
I thought it was the coolest shit in the world.

That is sick.

My fat mat money.

He was chubby. He was chubby in his brothers in with the fat mat.

And he owned it, dude. Made it a screen name.
I know about it. Fat Matt.
They used to call me Thunder for Thunder Thighs.

Thunder killed me. Thunder's thighs.
Thunder.

I still have the fucking

thighs.

Some company sent me jeans, man, and I put them on. I was just like, Joe, like, I can't wear these.
I look insane, dude. I look like Conan.

That is my goal to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out.
Yeah. I got to lean into it.

If I have, I was like, dude, when I was a kid, I was like for real, very insecure about my big fat thighs. I would walk all my...
Fat thighs on, dude, suck. It was crazy.

Dude, I had Flynn O'Hara pants, and they all, they weren't like, none of them, they're all one size. So if you had jacked fucking quads and they were fat too,

we rocked Flynn O'Hara's. Yeah, you just, I would walk down the hallway and I was constantly going.
I remember grade school being like,

I just never felt comfortable. I was just sweating through those fucking things.

It was crazy. I had just anxious armpit sweat, and it was fucking crazy.
Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grade school. No, we didn't have it in high school.
Yeah, we had no AC.

Everyone was

dying, dude. We had to wear a sweater vest and a fucking button down or a full sweater.

I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school.
I would have been bitching if not. No, we didn't.
And then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off.

That was crazy. Try to do a class.
Everyone just fall asleep.

Yeah, that was the best in Catholic Grade School is the end of the year when they put all the desks the side of the wall and you have to like just make up snow days and you just sit on the ground and play seven up, dude.

It's the best. Yeah, that's true.
That is very nice. That was my favorite.
There was nothing better.

Worst were the first week of school when you went back in, you just smelled the smell of school and you're like, fuck me, man.

Chloe's just realizing. I didn't mind that.
Huh? Now you're bringing it up. That used to fire me up.
You loved it. The beginning of the school year was great.
I hated it. I was fucking furious.

I would go in there, man. Fuck this.
Yeah, you were with all boys, though. No, well, the high school.
I had fun in high school. It was grade school.
Yeah. Grade school, I would go in.
I just hated it.

I was like, fuck this. Yeah, I guess as a kid, I probably wasn't too excited because summer fucking rocked.
Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to summer.
Summer rocked.

You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. Going on the Wildcat all summer.

I remember, though, I did get excited.

My cousin came to school in second grade, and I remember we just sitting in the fucking like gymnasium, just like this in line, waiting to go in and my cousin walked in and was like and I was just like oh fuck yeah you're second grade I didn't know he was coming I was just like one day I was like dude my cousin's in school yeah that was tough that's nice that was fucking sick but other than that I used to fucking I hated school my daughter Chloe is just realizing now that like she has to go to school

yeah she hates it it did feel like forever to be like I'll be in school the rest of my life yeah I mean, it kind of is.

I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, I can't believe I'm finally done. I fucking hated school every day.
And she, like, every day begs, she's like, wakes up.

She goes, Where am I going? I go, going to school today. She goes, oh,

I'm like, dude, it's never gonna get used to it. It's never gonna end.
You're a girl, too?

You're gonna be in school till you're 30. Oh, yeah.

You're gonna get 15 degrees. Yeah, true.
You're gonna get everything. You're gonna be a doctor.
You're gonna get a PhD.

And then you're gonna get pregnant.

And that's it.

Yeah, girls love school. Girls love school.
Girls love school. It's old school, man.
They crush it. They're good at school.
They love having good handwriting.

True. They do love good handwriting.

Yeah, I'm getting like a first, like a first-hand account of Girl World right now.

He might be butt pregnant. Yo.
Think he's a butt son? I think you have a butt son right now.

Or twins.

Do you think your butts pregnant?

You know, it might be.

I don't know. I hope not.
I don't know if I'm ready for that. I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids.
No.

Because you have to deliver too as a guy.

You got to deliver on all fours. You're going to be like a...
They put your face down. You're going to be like a seahorse.
They're just going to come flying out of your butt.

I got to take a test or something. They got to poop on a strip or whatever.
Yeah.

You better poop on a stick.

What else is going on? What else do we got? Just that, just fucking VBR. Didn't Gardini get his butt pregnant.
Gardini has a butt pregnant.

I got the link with VBR. He was the man at the show.
It was really fun.

Missouri's rough, though, dude. Missouri's a rough, rough state.
It's crazy, man. I didn't realize how goddamn rough that place was.

I was talking about the white ladies down there. They're just like.

But that's some weather, man. Missouri State's right there, right?

Yeah. The university.
Yeah, yeah. Missouri State's right there.
Missouri is up near Chicago.

Missouri also so close to Texas.

Yeah. Dude, it would have been a six-hour drive.
I could have drove there. No.
I swear to God, dude. No chance.
Going to Springfield, Missouri from Austin. Six hours.
Maybe from Dallas. No chance.

Maybe from Dallas. Even then.
Look it up. I'm telling you.
I'm telling you. Dallas, I'm certain.
I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you.

I was shocked. I was like, wait, this is six hours away from motherfucking Dallas? It's 15 hours?

It's 10 from Austin. Yeah, six from Dallas.
Yeah, yeah, Dallas is closer. Sorry.
So, bitch.

I was just saying. Well, wait.
How far is Dallas from here? Three.

Oh, okay. About, yeah, three and a half.

Yeah. All right.
I got a little, I'm going to do a little Texas road dog trip. Me and Gardini, we're going to go UC and Dallas back.
Nice. That'd be tight.
I'm excited to hit the road.

What kind of playlist you want me to play for you? Something chill. Whatever you got, I'm down for.

What are you going to hit him with?

I'm a fucking audio book. Very aggressive.
I can go audio book or very, very aggressive dystopian. We were doing Skepta.

Wherever we were. Skepta.

Yeah, I was sitting with Skepta earlier. Dude, that might be the best music ever.
I like Skepta. It's like British rap, British.
It is good. Oh, it's dude.
Did you ever see the Top Boy show?

No. It's really good.
It's nothing but, yeah, it's so good. It's just like British.
It's good. It's like British Belly.
I think Drake brought us that. I believe it was.
Drake?

I think Drake helped with that a lot. I think he did

came back. The OG one, I think, was just like the guy, the rappers from the show put out, like, did their own Rockefeller, like, here's our money, here's our show thing.

Is Top Boy like Crodys and Mandem, or is it like the Toronto people? No, no, it's

British, but I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang.

It's kind of a Caribbean influence. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's important. Yeah.
It's important to hold space. Sporting hold space space.
You know what I did all weekend? I watched

interviews in the green room. The

actor, actor with actor, whatever it's called.

I think it's actor on actor. With just every actor, they do like...
Just like two actors talk to each other. Oh, okay.
I'm trying to get, I'm trying to learn how to do that kind of thing.

Probably talking inside the actor's studio. It's not inside the actor's studio.
There's another one. I think fuck, I forget what magazine does it or whatever.
I've seen a couple of those.

Actor and Actor Studio. Someone with Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Lawrence.
Did you? Yeah, I don't know how new they are. I saw The Rock and Brendan Frazier.
That's good stuff.

It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other.
They're very much like, it was.

They'll just use words, not like epic, but it's always very much like. Yeah.

It's just the funniest way. I don't know.
I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other.

I mean, it just might, it might be the most iconic. I would say it's the most iconic charge, a very charged scene.

Thank you, yes. Thank you for saying it.

But it's every, I watched a bunch of different ones, and it's just nothing but that. Yeah, I know exactly.
I can't replicate it.

I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I keep forgetting. I did learn the word reportage.
Reportage is a word apparently about like reporting, I think.

So I watched the media roundtable with Schultz.

Oh, how was that? I saw a clip. it was cool.
It was, I, the clip was funny that I saw you watch the whole thing, and it's just the whole thing was like, you know,

why don't people trust the media? And then it was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone and be like, we are good reporters and you should trust us.

And you're like, all right,

I did hear the word reportage. I heard the word reportage.
Ben Shapiro hit something like, I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, bro, that's the craziest word.
Yeah.

I think it's just reporting, but you can say reportage.

But that was crazy. It was like very much like the coverage on Gardini's

pie. There was good reportage.
The reportage was nice. It was in the Herald.

It was in the Austin Herald.

I caught wind of it over my morning coffee.

Well, you don't say...

Dude,

there was one line from that round table that cracked me up where they were talking about how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones, blah, blah, blah.

At one point, someone was like maybe things going viral is making us sick i was like fuck man that sucks that fucking blows dude it was it was a big i was just jumping across from like smartpans youtube i forget which one they need a belly slap it was just a me a big belly slap

hard belly slap for that it was just intellectual youtube and it was making me laugh so hard just watching people because eventually it's like some of that stuff sounds good but then like you lose the the thread after a while and then all of a sudden like nobody knows what anyone's talking about like hold on let's let's let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular and it's just it's really funny and i don't think they really resolved much at all that was the one thing that they never fucking do no but i watch all these i listen to it the thing that kills me is like the kimmel thing is like well you know we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking kimmel's job away for free speech we're like yeah obviously don't take kimmel's job away but if just one of those like new york times journalists can be like well that kind of does remind us of when we were being gigantic cocksuckers for seven fucking years yeah taking jobs from people because of things they said you never hear them once yeah be like yeah we were kind of on that bullshit for a while that's all you got to do and be like okay cool we're back to normal yeah it would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once yeah exactly yeah dude

t-dog needs to t-dog

what a fucking idiot

why would you do that

that was one that like, he's done stuff before where I'm like, ah, you can't really, that one sucks. This one was like, dude, this sucks so bad.
Especially in the year 1 AK. Especially AK.

You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing.

For real, I was just thinking of it. It'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died and be like, yeah, well, fucking good riddance.
You fucking sack of shit. It'd be like.

I know.

What we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs. People need to let go of their beefs, man.
Yeah. Can't be out here.

The only long-term beef that I hold down is 50 Second can continue beefing with whoever he wants because it's pretty it is pretty fun watching his documentaries. Although, here's the thing, though.

If this is a massive commercial success,

who's next? Because he's going to want to strike twice. Because the Shannon Sharp documentary, obviously, we've seen the T might be the new oil.
We don't have to drill for oil.

We just need the T right now. You're exactly right.
I think the T, the Shannon Sharp documentary, I mean, his stock flew up.

He was a documentary. Well, no, he brought Cat on.
Cat spilled the T.

a that was like a 24 million dollar ordeal yeah there's gonna be people going 50 you have any more tea

there's gonna be some there's gonna be some prospectors

some prospectors going around harlem way going some tea in here there is tea some tea around heading yeah you're right harlem way there is a lot of tea up there that's that's tea country

that is or bk even in bk yeah some good tea and get some tea going the boogie down boogie down that could be some tea that way

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So. Yeah.
We got to go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea.
Any hear any rumblings? Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any fucking tea.

We're trying to fucking survive out here, dude. Our podcast is, we're falling.
We're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea.

I I haven't had a teacher. We need to openly gossip about our peers.

Sorry, yeah. You have no tea.
No tea over here. Nothing scandalous.
Nothing's scandalous at all in the Austin comedy scene.

You broke the story about my butt babies. That's kind of a well, that's a big one.

That's going to hit the web.

True. That could rocket us back up.
TMZ could be covering that. Yeah.

Do you have any pictures? No. No.

Do you need to get a sonogram?

i haven't been to the tmz people are gonna be gossiping around the cubicle maybe the guy with his big-ass copies going oh did you see what came out of austin this week

yeah i think he's gonna have some butt babies

fuck them

fuck them dude how dare they talk about our butt babies live on tmz

just reaching out i've been reaching out from tmz to follow up on this butt baby story

some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas.

Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over onto your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true?

You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair.

You got

a butt net.

I've heard this is a T on Sean. I heard his head gets hard first.
Oh, he gets the

head gets rich. He's bowing.

He gets the bowling pin.

It works its way down.

He's got jelly on the bottom.

The old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park, trying to show off for the kids. Hey, everyone, watch this slide.
Oh!

Took a bowling pin.

A bowling pin right to the keystone.

Mate, what do you think about that?

No comment. I got no comment.
I got no comment. You ever hurt yourself on a water slide? This is good podcasting.
No comment. I got no comment.
I got a first sauce, butt, baby. I can't.

We're doing all the heavy lifting. This is all because of the weather.
It's fucking cloudy out. We're all sleepy.
Come on, man. Talk butt stuff.
It's a gloomy day.

We should all be cuddled up watching a movie. Yeah.
Why can't you talk butt stuff?

What are you even talking about? I can't talk butt stuff.

Why not? Drastic butt stuff. People are going to think you're aligned with Diddy, bro.
If you go,

we can talk butt stuff. No, I can't talk butts.

Yes, we can.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Well,

somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy. Hold up.

Yeah, he had a fucking, probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out and went to the urgent care and just got fingered in the same hoe.

So much. He shit blood.
Oh,

yeah. Who fangered you?

It's a guy. You know his name.
I don't remember his name. What do you look at? What do you look like? At least what he looked like.
I didn't want to, huh? What did he look like? He's a guy.

Just a guy. Just a man.
Did you get fingered at an urgent care? Yeah.

200 bucks. Bro.

Paid 200.

He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, honey, you can't see this.
He kicked her out of her. Excuse me, for y'all.

I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy.
You got to touch a girl. If someone's going to off your butt, you got to touch a girl to keep some gayness.
It's like a lightning rod for gayness.

That is true. That was our first time her in the doctor's office with me.
Like, that was the first time when I got here. That's what they're for, dude.

They're for fucking standing there while you hear your butt fingered by doctor. You've seen me like that.

You're never going to beat the allegations, dude. You paid 200 bucks to get fingered at a digger.
200? Fucking money for your care. Urgent care, dude.

Why would you ever get fingered in an urgent care? What did they even determine by fingering your butt? Nothing. He said I was all right.
He said my butt. He said I was like, fucking check the oil.

He was like, he's like, let's, he's like, we got it just because you bled a lot out of your butt. You seem fine.
But, you know, just like.

Damn, you had your period who went to the doctor and he fingered you.

It was my first period. I didn't know what to do.
I panicked. They gave him a vibrator.

He went to an old doctor. He came from his butt finger.
I had my period for like four days, and I I was like, this is too long. This is a problem.

How did he, did he, I guess he lubed himself up?

Yeah. He gloved up.
He lubed up.

I heard the gloves. Oh, and then he came and met me at a bar.
I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration.
And then he came to the bar with

lube fresh in his eyes. I did not have lubed fresh.
You were wearing the same outfit. You were in the same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower.
You did not shower.

I didn't shower, but I washed up. I washed up.
I didn't have...

I washed up. I hit the hot spots.
I hit my balls. I hit my ass.
I hit my undogs. I would put your clothes on.
Why would you not get in the shower for that?

Because we were going to meet you. Sounds like we could use our shower, Stinky.

We were celebrating your birthday, and then we had to leave early to go do spots.

I was maximizing my time with my friend. I'm sorry.
So you just got the lube out of your butt. That's

what I got off my butt. So you hit it.
It's cleaned up. It was a standard drill.
The doctor said, yeah.

It was standard drill. The doctor threw a towel on you.
Say, clean yourself up. You bathed like a hooker in a gas station bathroom? Yeah.

Just washed your ass. Paid him in cash.
Just washed your ass in the sink.

Oh, man. Then you came and threw darts with us.

Showed up to shake his birthday. Like, what's up, hon? How are we doing? Yeah.

Dude, you still have lube in your butt.

I told you, I was like, here,

tell my friend in confidence. And the second I did it, I was like, mustache.
Yeah, why did you ever tell me that?

That's what Sean said. He was like, you messed up.
I was like,

shit, nigga, finger.

She walked away, and I was like, dude, why would you do that?

It was a nice birthday gift.

That's what it is, y'all. I do appreciate it.
I was a good laugh for your birthday. Yeah.
Oh.

I was the whole time y'all coming to Sean about his butt, baby, I was sitting here quiet. You were quiet.
I didn't think about it. I forgot entirely.

I knew you forgot about it. I was like, thank God.

Thank God I remembered. He all went for me and I was like, I can't.

You could have jumped in. I would have never known why you were being so bashful.

But then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me. He would have had that.
Yeah, true. You think I got a butt, baby? You would never.
I would never. You lied, dude.
You're a nasty little fucker.

We got some brown liquor out here. You'd fucking fill the beans immediately.

Oh, you told the crowd at the noctis you got fingered? Nobody liked it. Yeah, nobody liked it.
He gave me no choice. Yeah, I tried to do a set about it that night.

It was probably the worst set I've ever found. I'm getting fingered.
Wow. Yeah.
Yeah.

You got to keep going. That's so funny.
Got to talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time.

I should rebrand around it.

After we were all up at the doctors talking about it, not what up to do. My set, I was like, I just need to know that y'all aren't thinking about me with a finger in my ass.

And then somebody went, well, I wasn't. I don't know.

How many seconds were you talking? It had to be like three, but it felt like 20. Three seconds? No way.
I think it was like five. I'm definitely going to be a little bit more.

I'm going to throw some points out. They're just going.
I think it was like five.

you got in there checked checked your butt walls yeah what was it he was just checking for a hemorrhoid clearly you have a hemorrhoid your butt look like any kind of mass he was like we just gotta check for here's what he said we said we got a mass mass and he was and then he was like if it keeps bleeding bro we'll get you to a serious question did it jump a little

no that's a good question it didn't move at all dude i went and got a massage recently and when i had my thunderclap headache brittany was like just go get a massage because it's like up here is real tense so i went First of all, she's trying to talk me into like, should really try a male therapist.

I was like, no, just not doing it. And she was like,

or like a massage. Oh, oh, oh.
I was like, wow.

No, no, no. That'd be sick, actually.
Yeah, you'd be like Tony Soprano. I was fucking doing deadlifts and I fucking was doing sumo squats.

No, I got a, so I went, I was like, no, I'm not. She's like, I'm telling you, like, you should just try.
Why are you so worried about it?

And I was like, Brittany, if I get a male massage person and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm going to come to home and be like, guys, I'm gay now.

I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay and I'm leaving this family.
You got to move up Harlem way.

You got to spill the tea. You got to get up there and spill the tea immediately.

Nate, you're going to have to join Bad Boy.

Dr. Diddy.
Gotcha. That got Diddy.
I got Diddy. I got Diddy on your birthday.
I think you did. He did get Diddy on my birthday.

Maybe I set that up. Starting on Nate Dogg Marshall.
Yeah.

I know. We got to think of a good nickname for him.

He might just be butter now. Dude, Trill, you are the butter man.

The male

buttery little biscuit. He does have butter.
I think the doctor used butter as a lube.

Buttered it.

He got the peanut butter lube. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered.

He ain't going raised. Dude, why are you flexing your penis while you're talking about me?

God, you see that? That was crazy. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered.
Flexing is gone.

Dude, Nate.

I wish I'd died. We don't have too many topics right now.
We're just going to call you guys gay for an episode.

We're done. We got an hour.
It's a good hour. That was a great hour.
That was one of our better ones. That was.
That was really better. That was a rainy day masterpiece.
That was a rainy day.

I mean, it's just a rainy day.

There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book

or you can sit around with your buddies and call you guys butt boys

nate what were your thoughts when you got

when it happened

i mean it was obviously funny that it was about to happen like as soon as i knew that i was like all right this is about to happen to me it was hilarious especially like i've been zesty online for a good couple months now and it's like i can't i think i got i again i've talked about it before i got my balls sonogrammed yeah and that's

by a guy. Yeah.
And I'll never forget. He's wearing a Steelers

cap. Steelers cap.
So funny. Nurse with a Steelers cap.

Putting jelly on my nuts. It was warm, too, wasn't it? It wasn't very warm.
Oh, it's chilly. Chilly?

That's good on him.

Yeah, he wanted to shrink everything. And it worked.
Yeah.

Doctor.

This isn't what he usually looks like. Yeah, you can't be giving him the warm jelly.

But I was laughing during that. You said he was no, he wasn't laughing.
He did did not think it was funny. Yeah.
But if I got butt-fingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh.

Did you hold your breath?

I don't remember. No, he went.

He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him.

So your babe really left the room? I made her leave. I didn't.
She would have had to be looking. Like, I can't have her have that.
She's staring down the barrel.

Like, yeah, she would have literally wasn't. Yeah, you can't let her say that.
When she left and it was just you and the doctor and then his finger was in your butt, you should have gone, she hits me.

You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that. I did.

He did ask. He did ask if I, like, before him, he was like, could the bleeding be from, you know, like, he was like, he was like, butt stuff.

And then I just looked at her and went, it's an urgent care. They're not using the best terminology.

She's like, fuck that butt. Is it butt stuff? He's had butt stuff.
He's head butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care.

We're going to drive past. He's going to be in a

trench coat and blind guy glasses walking out. Like a massage party.
Yeah.

Another 200 bucks down the drain. Who go broke at urgent care?

So he asked you, what'd your response? You look at your wife and said, ask her.

I said yes. I just said yes because I thought it'd be funny to just come out like it's like I'm gay in front of my lady in the doctor's.
Then I was like, obviously, no, I haven't. But what did he say?

He's like, hey. He laughed.
How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table?

Did you hold it up on his floor? He stood up straight, flexed.

No, really.

No.

Yeah.

No, not on all fours on the table. No, no, you don't don't get on all fours.
I don't know what you do. Yeah.
Does he hold it on the ground?

I'm just early.

Y'all are going to get there. I'm going to remember.

I'm going to get a colonoscopy. It's going to be crazy.
Yeah.

I had to, if I just say it. Elbows on the table.
I had to put my elbows, chin on your fist.

He instructed you, right? He said, put your elbows on the table and bend over.

That is 100% happen. He was like, you got to put your elbows on the table.
And he didn't say bend bend over, but he was like, you got to put your elbows on the.

And then that was, you know. Damn.

That's all right. I found that I wasn't dying.
That's good.

I could be dying. I could be, I could be.
I probably never felt more alive, honestly.

It's kind of liberating.

First words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me.
No, I didn't. Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, oh my God, I got to tell you what happened to me today.
It took about.

I had the wildest experience.

I held on to it for like 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about. Like, I couldn't.
You knew the beans were getting spilled.

That's also, that is a great birthday gift, though. To be honest, that's a fantastic birthday gift.
Yeah, I'm turning 40 January. I'm, well, it's a matter of time.
I'm getting fingered.

Yeah. Whole squad's getting fingered.
Yeah, I might have to go early on that. Yeah.
Because this has been out of control.

I wonder why they just took spill the beans and made it spill the tea.

And why is that acceptable? It's beans dude it is the beans

but i think there was all that like

drinking tea when like something yeah it's still eating beans true true

that's why they spill the beans you go what the beans the beans fall off your spoon and you spill the beans i think you're completely right yeah you spill the beans you go hold on now fuck i spilled my beans but tell me about your fingering

I gotta get some beans.

I peeped your pantry the other day. You got your beans.
I got some beans. I'm gonna make those beans when you leave.
That'd be nice. Yeah.

That keeps the butt doctor away, by the way. Those whole fucking bunch of beans for lunch.

I might fucking scare shit on the doctor. Just eat a ton of beans.
As soon as you touch them, you go,

just let like a one-foot around.

He's going to clog it, though. He's going to go, no, no, no.
He's going to cut it.

He's going to hit the sawmill. Hit the buzz saw.

All right. This is maybe one of our worst podcasts.

We're just talking about poop and bots.

Oh, no.

Oh, fuck. Well, join us with the Patreon.

Patreon, we're going to get serious. Yeah, true.
It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal.
Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world.

We'll give you our

Damn, you got fingers. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.
Do it.

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Preses y participación pueden variar.

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If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college, you need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin. Take a week-long vacation and save over $200.

Book now at Verbo.com.