Ep 586 - Shift Work (feat. Nate Marshall)

Speaker 1 Wow, wow, Wes. Hey.

Speaker 1 Hey, howdy. Hey, how's it going? Good, man.
Just chilling. I got a nap.
I'm usually a little tired. I'm

Speaker 1 a nap. Got a nice little nap, but today.
Thanks to my extension.

Speaker 1 Your extension was great.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a little gap in the sketch. It was nice.

Speaker 1 I was sleepy today, too. I did not get good sleep last night.
Yeah, I was out doing stand-up, so I couldn't fall asleep.

Speaker 1 So I was just back to the audiobook Bible before bedtime, which is a nice bedtime read, by the way. I'm on Jacob and Esau right now.
What's the book? The Bible. Ever hear of it?

Speaker 1 The Bible, bro. I also didn't hear about it.
It was popular as Cristiano Ronaldo. You didn't know who Cristiano Ronaldo was.
Yeah, that's why. I really did.

Speaker 1 I told you, I feel good about not knowing that.

Speaker 1 Can we

Speaker 1 investigate why you feel good about that? I'm kind of curious. It just kind of feels like the way y'all explained it, it's like not knowing LeBron LeBron or something.

Speaker 1 And that just kind of feels like. You're saying you're different.
You're saying you're different. I'm kind of different out here.

Speaker 1 I'm just moving different. I can see that.
No, I can appreciate that. You're doing well.

Speaker 1 I thought you'd be less.

Speaker 1 Bro, I saw

Speaker 1 my voice is going to go halfway through. That's because you've been going too fast, young man.
No.

Speaker 1 I know. Slow down.
You introduced us to the purple drinks while we were at that bar.

Speaker 1 I didn't touch one of them. What was the purple drink? At Lafitte's.
It's in New Orleans. It's just another

Speaker 1 fucking daiquiri type. I don't know how to describe it.
Yeah, I know it's just some icy, sugary liquor thing. Those things will get you.
But it was called Purple Drink. So

Speaker 1 I went crazy on it. Like flies on shit.

Speaker 1 They said they even misspelled drink on the cup.

Speaker 1 It made me feel better because I was like shitting neon green. And we talked for a second.

Speaker 1 And I was telling him about it. He was like, I'm still shitting neon green.
I was like, all right, so it is the purple drink. It's not,

Speaker 1 I'm not dying, dude. Well,

Speaker 1 I ate, I ate candy as a similar trap for me a long time ago, but I ate this candy from Hot Topic one time.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and I shit like

Speaker 1 Swight Man's Drink. Swight Man's Drink.
I was a teenager in Hot Topic, and they sold this like neon weird candy shit. And I remember ate it, and I got like scared I was dying when I finished shit.

Speaker 1 I had Play-Doh was coming out of my butt. Did you, no, you came with,

Speaker 1 so you stayed Sunday? Yeah, we stayed there. You guys must must have been that must sucked so bad.
I saw them Sunday. I flew in at 5 p.m.
Sunday. I saw Nate.
I was like going to the hotel.

Speaker 1 I look in the window. I see the bar.
I see Nate at the bar. I'm like, oh, I'm going to say hi to Nate.
I'm like, what's up, Nate? He's like,

Speaker 1 what's up, man?

Speaker 1 What's going on, man?

Speaker 1 I'm not going to fucking talk. SkankFest day four is

Speaker 1 fucking hell. That day, I went to bed with the sun up.
And then when I finally came out the hotel, it was dark again. Like, it was an evil day.
He was on some vamp shit. I saw him.

Speaker 1 You want to see New Orleans vamp shit? I saw him at the bar, and he was like, What's going on? I was like, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 Jesus, man.

Speaker 1 Where are the others?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 His voice was just gone.

Speaker 1 He was chalky, dude. I saw him.
He was chalky.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I had nothing. I was trying to rally.
I was trying to rally. He was.
He was like, oh, hey, what's going on?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was happy to see you. I just had nothing.
I know.

Speaker 1 You know, you bump into someone at a bar, you're like, oh my God, what are you doing here? He's like, what's going on?

Speaker 1 All the time.

Speaker 1 I get to a bar. Oh, Connor's.

Speaker 1 I'm going to go, oh, fuck, man.

Speaker 1 The stuff island boys will hit you with one of those. Yeah.
You see them at a bar. They'll be like, I've been out for eight hours.
You go, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 It's 4 p.m.

Speaker 1 Go to bed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Nate wasn't drunk. He was just viciously hungover.
Yeah, I was just

Speaker 1 going hair of the dog. Yeah.
I had one, and I didn't even finish it. I couldn't.
I was like, I'm not ready yet. I waited till I got to the venue.
To Mardi Gras World. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The squad was fucking in rough shape. I got there.
I had a big stand-up show. It's Kang Fest.
Like, you guys, anyone do some time? No.

Speaker 1 I mean, geez, guys. Friday was great.
Yeah, I heard. Saturday, half energy.

Speaker 1 Sunday must have been.

Speaker 1 Sunday was chill. It was definitely chill mode.
Everyone was chill mode. Yeah.
It was Pizza and Eagles. Everyone was just ordering Dynamos.

Speaker 1 I kind of saw the Dynamos come through. I kind of turned up by the end.
I can't remember if. Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, my fault. Yeah, I kind of turned up by the end.

Speaker 1 I went to, that was the only night I went to the after party.

Speaker 1 Was that one? Just because I, I don't know, I wanted to do it once. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 I wore the thing the whole way home.

Speaker 1 Just a badge that said barely legal on it, the whole way home. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Name of the strip club that the after party was. It was called barely legal.
But everybody. I didn't go.
Every lady there was kind of old, so it was kind of nice. Like, that's kind of a funny thing.

Speaker 1 You're very legal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they were like, they were clearly legal.

Speaker 1 Undeniably legal. I wonder if you could do a class action suit.

Speaker 1 You guys should be perpetrating the illusion that I am committing a great statute. The great statue tool.

Speaker 1 I didn't feel like a pedophile at all when when I was in there.

Speaker 1 I was helping a catch. Yo, you might be able to make some bucks.
What did you say? I might be able to make some bucks.

Speaker 1 Take some pictures of them and go out to a judge and be like, do any of these look like they could be of questionable age?

Speaker 1 I was fooled.

Speaker 1 Oh, my $15

Speaker 1 ATM feedback. Yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 1 I guess that was

Speaker 1 their brand.

Speaker 1 Oh, no, the ATM just had a super high. Oh,

Speaker 1 you know how they are.

Speaker 1 The ATM and a strip club,

Speaker 1 they watch, watch, they see, they're like sharks. No desperation from every guy in there.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think they have one by those ATMs, they have that thing when you go into a gas station. It's like,

Speaker 1 when you run over the thing, it's a bell that goes off.

Speaker 1 So all the strippers go, there he is. Yeah, they're like this.
They go, there's our markers.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I got invited to the after-party. I was like, no way, bro.
No shot. Not going to the barely.

Speaker 1 Somebody was staying awake. Strip club on Bourbon Street with Legion of Skanks.
Yeah.

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It's good to be right. It's good to be right.
Yeah, well, it's fun. It's a fun time.

Speaker 1 It was actually, I think, it was probably my favorite one of those. Yeah, it was in a long time.
That was a really good one. I was curious how they're going to work in New Orleans.

Speaker 1 And, man, they truly did find the perfect place. Yeah.
So that place right on the waterfront, it was cool. Yeah, the bridge and the back.
It was a debauchery at that fucking thing, though. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You hear a story. Everybody comes in and goes, yeah, fucking, I just got jacked off on a Ferris wheel.
You're like, oh, man. Yeah.
It's kind of nice. It's crazy what's going on.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 It is fully debaucherous. Yeah.
It's bucket all. I got eyes on the ass slapping contest.
You know, I had to get there. But not just, I was there early.
The first night, Friday, you know, we were out.

Speaker 1 We were out until like...

Speaker 1 How long were we at the

Speaker 1 casino? What guys were complaining on this?

Speaker 1 Why are you attacking me? It was the fellas slapping the chicken.

Speaker 1 It was guys?

Speaker 1 No, no.

Speaker 1 Just being mean.

Speaker 1 Skank Fest usually tosses up. Some guy did something crazy while I was on stage at the live Legion of Skanks show.
What happened? What'd he do? I don't know. I didn't look, but I heard about it.

Speaker 1 He kissed a dick. There were two guys that kissed a dick, and it didn't even take much convincing.
Like, no, they brought it up. Yeah.
Like, yeah, we'll fight. We'll fight tomorrow.

Speaker 1 The loser has to suck a dick. I'll do it.

Speaker 1 It was like, no one's making you do that. They're like, we'll do it right now.

Speaker 1 Of course, the entire crowd's like, do it.

Speaker 1 Just sitting there with David Tell, like, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 It was just a dick. Whose dick was it?

Speaker 1 He proposed.

Speaker 1 Oh, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Sim.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's crazy. I know a guy who just proposed in the room right now.

Speaker 1 And also got his dick kissed in the air by a fella.

Speaker 1 A guy's butt-slapping contest.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Nate. Then he's shit lime green.
It is funny to be on the phone with your babe. Like, what are you doing down there? Like, I was another guy's butt slapping contest.

Speaker 1 And then, well, I got double dog dare to kiss a man's penis, and it's going pretty good otherwise.

Speaker 1 She was in the crowd. The girl he proposed to, they did it live, and then he kissed it.
He got his penis kissed. He got his kissed.
Yeah. That's kind of powerful, dude.
If you just propose,

Speaker 1 you just propose, then you're. It's also off to a terrible start.

Speaker 1 She cheated on her within three minutes. He got his dick touched by a guy immediately.

Speaker 1 And it was just like a peck on the helmet. Allegedly.
I didn't see it. Two pecs?

Speaker 1 up close. Wait, who went for up close in person? Yeah, you had eyes on it.
I was in the balcony. I couldn't believe it was happening.
You had a binoculars on. You were clutching a bunch of beads.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that is a funny thing. That's a big thing.
Like, oh, tell me the proposal story. It's like, well,

Speaker 1 then someone actually kissed his penis.

Speaker 1 And then LeMer goes, not once, but twice. Twice.

Speaker 1 Two pecs. Very European.
It's two different guys. He went.

Speaker 1 It's very respectful. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was two different guys because the one guy was like, Lewis, you said for me to fight, I have to suck a trans dick and I'm looking forward to that. And Lewis was like, we're going to let that go.

Speaker 1 And then the other's like, you don't have to actually do that. And he was like, nah, man, fuck that.

Speaker 1 And then the other guy was like, that's gay. All you told me I had to do was kiss a dick.

Speaker 1 And he was like, also, I'd like, I'll do that right now to prove it.

Speaker 1 This is an audience member. Yeah.
And everyone was kind of like, you don't really have to do that. Please don't.
Yeah, and he's like, no,

Speaker 1 that is nice, though. That's a good, uh, it's a good move.
Like, yeah, I was asking who won that for me, do it? I don't know,

Speaker 1 but it was those two fought. Fucking uh, yeah,

Speaker 1 Skinnyard versus uh

Speaker 1 the ukulele Hawaiian.

Speaker 1 Interesting, I missed all that. I got there, it was just like everyone was just dragging, yeah, they were tired from that.
True, Friday and Saturday, yeah, Saturday was wrestling.

Speaker 1 If I was wrestling and kissing penises all day, day i'd talk it out i would it's a full day

Speaker 1 it's a busy day they got to top it next year on the cruise is going to be just like the cruise human centipede oh

Speaker 1 i would it would cost more than the riad comedy festival to get me on the skank fest cruise

Speaker 1 oh my god

Speaker 1 Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 You guys don't think I'll jerk off and shit in this pool right now?

Speaker 1 It'll be the poop cruise just without

Speaker 1 There's gonna be shit and homeless shelters on deck. Oh my god

Speaker 1 they should do a cruise and just never set sail just be on a docked boat the whole time People are gonna be jumping off

Speaker 1 is if you stay docked if they take off some we they will lose someone Yeah, yeah, oh dude, for sure

Speaker 1 You ever see those videos where people do that shit? Just think it's gonna going to be hilarious, jump off a cruise ship, and then there'd be a new indigenous population in the St. Peter Islands.

Speaker 1 It's a bunch of fucking chubby white guys.

Speaker 1 We found here.

Speaker 1 This land came to us.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 They need a couple of skankettes to repopulate, but they wouldn't. Although those guys might just hatch.

Speaker 1 I don't even think they need it.

Speaker 1 They come out of each other's backs

Speaker 1 like anematoads. They just sit on a monster energy drink.

Speaker 1 Hugging hatches

Speaker 1 comes out like, brown shop sucks.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they'd have to hit like the

Speaker 1 small convenience stores. They completely control the supply of funions.

Speaker 1 They control the funions. Yeah.
We control the funyuns now.

Speaker 1 But yeah, that's fucking sick. It was a good time.
It was good. It was a grand old time.

Speaker 1 I saw some of my friends there. I always see them when I'm there.
Yeah. Dan the Rantman, Linda.
And I'm like sitting there talking to them.

Speaker 1 And while I'm trying to have a conversation with them, a lady just pulled her pants down. It was just showing Zachamiko, her pretty gargantuan butt.

Speaker 1 It was like, there's no, you know, no disrespect towards the butt. It was like full in proportions.
It was just larger, larger than life. And I was like, directly in my line of vision.

Speaker 1 I'm like, and I was like, oh, there's literally a giant butt behind you guys. And they were like, yeah, well, okay.
And I was like, I literally can't. Yeah, that's I can't focus.

Speaker 1 How am I supposed to put?

Speaker 1 Focus.

Speaker 1 I thought they turned and have a laugh at me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's a lot of uh nudity. It's uh, it's yeah, it's nudity you really don't want.
Yeah, going on.

Speaker 1 This was, this was, I will say, this was a pleasant, giant butt. I think I know exactly what you're talking about, and it was a very nice, gigantic butt.
Yeah, it was talking. Yep, yeah, beyond pog.

Speaker 1 It was beyond pog. It was a wide load.
Yeah, it was a wide load.

Speaker 1 It was beyond Pog. There has to be something beyond a Pog because this was like

Speaker 1 blob.

Speaker 1 Blob.

Speaker 1 No, it wasn't Bob. It wasn't Blob.
Like it was fully rotund.

Speaker 1 It was like shapely, but it's like, see, it was great. It just kept expanding, but kept everything.
Like a tree. Like, it grew from the inside.

Speaker 1 Each year was going to ring.

Speaker 1 I would like a core sample to see the age of that, but I'd be curious.

Speaker 1 I'm sure it was like a mighty sequoia.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the naked roast, I stuck around for two of those. Nice.
And I'd seen more than enough. Saw a couple penises? Yeah, that's all you see.
Yeah. And then,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 That was the extent of the nudity, I think. I just saw a couple guys' tiny penises.

Speaker 1 Perfect.

Speaker 1 I don't, dude. I'm still trying to figure out the,

Speaker 1 like, the... Why someone would do the reason somebody would be like, yeah, I can't figure that out.
I'll stand up there and do stand-up and show my tiny.

Speaker 1 I have a hard enough time, like, just doing stand-up with all my clothes on. Yeah.
To remove my clothes, I'd be like, No, absolutely fucking not.

Speaker 1 I feel like I get it for ladies, especially if they're hot. Like, you stand up there, you're like, just hot.
But dudes will do it like

Speaker 1 with their little dicks.

Speaker 1 Obviously, for ladies, it's a great thing. This is kind of the coolest thing.
Yeah. But

Speaker 1 they're not even really naked. I feel like.

Speaker 1 I feel like maybe there they are, but I feel like a lot of the naked roasts I've seen or the naked stand-ups I've seen is like women wear bra and underwear, men pull out the tiny flasks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So, which is fair. I think that's fair.
Yeah. Yeah.
You can't be like, you can't bar women from not being able to show their nipples in regular life and then be like, all right,

Speaker 1 bust them out. Actually, yeah, you could.
Now that I think about it, but

Speaker 1 quite the opposite.

Speaker 1 Now's the time. True.
It's been sanctioned. That law will never change.
You think it'll ever change when women can just finally go. I think we could be close to like all topless beaches.

Speaker 1 They can in Austin.

Speaker 1 They can or they do. They can, like, legally, in specifically Austin.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm not. a hunt.
I'm pretty sure in Austin, you can't Pardon Springs, you could. Yeah.
Okay. But I think you can just, like, walk down.

Speaker 1 Dude, I told you, I saw a lady one time in my neighborhood, and she wasn't, she didn't look crazy, but it was just naked from the top. I'm pretty sure it's legal here.
What? Yes.

Speaker 1 So, why aren't more exercising their right?

Speaker 1 I feel like it's, oh, yeah, I don't know. It is aggressive.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's kind of fucking, it's aggressive for a guy to walk around shirtless. Yeah, I'm sick of that.
It made me cut that up.

Speaker 1 Although, dude, the sunlight hits your chest, it increases the T.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm driving around with a girlfriend. I'm like, six, six dudes with abs jogging around.

Speaker 1 That's fucking like a streak. You were like trying to, like, you're driving with your lady, you're like peeking to see if she like you can see her tea.
Yeah, like, I fucking dare you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I dare you to look at that guy.
Yeah. Fucking pussy.
That guy sucks.

Speaker 1 It is funny, though. Oh, you see something you like? Yeah, that's cool.

Speaker 1 Why the fuck would your eyes dart over there for you? Same way mine did.

Speaker 1 I looked like that. Why would you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a fucking guy.

Speaker 1 Fucking making me fucking insecure. Fuck is his problem.
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Speaker 1 I will say, though, it's like when you swim naked, it is a nice feeling. Same if you have no shirt on, it does feel like you're not.
You don't think you'll hit the old body.

Speaker 1 I would hope you'd be so mad they built that house back there. I've been hitting so many dips, solo skinny dips.
Dude, it feels really good. It's really nice.
I'm just gonna. Oh, it's amazing.

Speaker 1 That's so good. Yeah, now they can kind of peek in there.
They can float like that naked. I take up the entire pool.

Speaker 1 It's crazy.

Speaker 1 I'm furious about that house.

Speaker 1 One of these days.

Speaker 1 Can they see anything? Yeah, I'm sure the kids' room's up there.

Speaker 1 There's going to be a boy looking out the window. Or even a bunk bed.
Oh, no. A bunk bed.
That'll be like the crow's nest. It's going to be so scary.
It'd be really scary.

Speaker 1 That's on them, though. My whole thing, if I'm on my property and you see me naked, look, that's your problem.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They're building houses behind mine, like windows straight across. And I am naked in my house a lot.
So I'm like, damn, they're going to catch me.

Speaker 1 I'm pretty sure, because there's been a lot of building going on, and I just.

Speaker 1 I love having just gigantic windows here. Yeah.
I think you're going to be able to do it. You can look into every single fucking house.
I go on my constitutionals. I'm just looking.

Speaker 1 I'm watching people eat shit.

Speaker 1 Seeing people like,

Speaker 1 it's me again.

Speaker 1 Making progress at a snail's pace.

Speaker 1 I finish, look up. You're just still right there.
Still slowly just going. What are you guys having in there?

Speaker 1 You got any extra hamburger helper? I've noticed you guys eat that on Tuesdays.

Speaker 1 Our house in Philly was literally like the kitchen, where we ate was right next to a window that was right next to the sidewalk.

Speaker 1 So people would literally just be walking by and be like, right in on us while we're eating. You'd be like, two feet from us.

Speaker 1 Anytime I'm in the city,

Speaker 1 there's nothing you can do with it. It would drive me crazy.
I'm looking into your house. Yeah, you have to, too.
If you see people at a table, it's kind of like, what you got going on?

Speaker 1 What are they watching? What show is that? Fucking idiots? I can't believe they're watching that. I do.
I don't know why.

Speaker 1 I do like when I see like a giant TV in the window and I can see what they're watching. I'm always kind of like, damn, do you're watching Independence Day right now? It's Tuesday, fucking 9 p.m.

Speaker 1 I'm walking my dog. It's fucking rocks.
I know. It's just like, damn, you just chucked on ID4.
And I was like, what am I doing with my life? Yeah. I didn't even think to watch ID4 right now.

Speaker 1 ID4 is fucking sick. ID4 is so good.
It is.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I do love that. ID4.

Speaker 1 Independence Day. Bro, don't act like you don't know.

Speaker 1 I didn't know why I was like that. No, I didn't know why.
I was like, I thought you become this one. I was like,

Speaker 1 one.

Speaker 1 Purple drank changed.

Speaker 1 Purple drank. You don't remember my brain.

Speaker 1 I already did. The green turret transformed.

Speaker 1 My brain hasn't been working right since Gank Fest.

Speaker 1 Yeah, of course. I'm moving slow.
You took Monday off at least?

Speaker 1 Tell me you took Monday off.

Speaker 1 No, we drove all day. Oh, fuck.
Yeah, we drove for like eight hours. That must be the worst hangover drive possible.
It was pretty bad. I did the first four.
Sean did the last four.

Speaker 1 My girl, she picked me up from Sean's and like she hugged us all. She said we all smelled like ass and we just didn't notice it just in an eight-hour car.
Yeah, you guys must have stunk.

Speaker 1 Was it just you and Sean or did you pack the Miis in there, too?

Speaker 1 Butterly.

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you, Mises? What'd you do?

Speaker 1 He left early, didn't he? Where'd you go? How'd you get home? I just left it. I took an airplane.
Nice. Yeah, I left on Sunday night.
I always leave Sunday night.

Speaker 1 How were the farts on the airplane?

Speaker 1 No farts. I kept

Speaker 1 myself. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I did. I did.
Did you shower before the flight? No.

Speaker 1 I mean, I showered before the flight. Somebody right now is telling everybody at work.

Speaker 1 Somebody's going, I sat next to the fucking biggest piece of shit.

Speaker 1 He farted. He stunk like shit.
He smelled like ass and vodka. I didn't fall asleep this time, so I don't think I farted.

Speaker 1 That's fair.

Speaker 1 That's the Lamise guarantee. Yeah, I fell asleep.
I don't think I farted.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Dude, you know what's fucking that I'm getting hip to right now is that apparently sports viewing is like it's impossible to watch sports now.

Speaker 1 They've like scattered all the games across different apps.

Speaker 1 Everybody talked to him.

Speaker 1 It's fucking, that's wrong, dude. It's hard to get a hold of the Sixers.
Yeah, it's kind of wrong. They're just basically making you buy a season pass for whatever your favorite team is.

Speaker 1 Everyone has to pay like $100 a month. Yeah, that's wrong.
And then they took ESPN off YouTube TV for like two weeks. Isn't this devastating? No, I heard that.
I heard it.

Speaker 1 I got fucked because I had to change it. Everybody went and bought fucking Disney Plus and all that shit.
I had like the old legacy version. It was a little cheap piggy.

Speaker 1 I just remembered. I wanted to break that up.

Speaker 1 Wait, who got hit with a quad?

Speaker 1 Some fucking piggy on Air Force One got crushed by Donald Trump. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.
Do you think he's getting dementia?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't think.

Speaker 1 He just seems a little slower than usual.

Speaker 1 Spud thinks he's getting dementia. Spud said his daddy got dementia.

Speaker 1 Trump, meaning Trump Sr. Yeah.

Speaker 1 There's speculation that T-Dog might be rocking

Speaker 1 Biden Brains.

Speaker 1 He's definitely not. He's not at Bitembrains.
No, no, no, not yet. But

Speaker 1 he's circling the drain. Yeah, I think.
Quiet Piggy was fucking crazy. It's pretty wild.
I just can't think of how embarrassed that lady must have been. That must have have been so funny to be.

Speaker 1 And you're on AFP. I think if you were next to her and you hated her.

Speaker 1 Why did you be like, what did you use injury? He sucked Bill Clinton's dick. Quiet piggy.
You go, oh, I got that bitch. Yes.
I've been waiting for someone to kill her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, on the plane, too, it would stink. It's like you can't get up.
You're just stuck on the flight being like, I'm going to write about this.

Speaker 1 I'm going to write about this. Quiet piggy.
Do they know? Do they identify the journalist that was

Speaker 1 like, they got to keep her name quiet. Do you think think it was definitely a babe? Because you can't.
Yeah, he wouldn't call it a guy. Yeah, it was a lady.
Quiet piggy.

Speaker 1 Can you hear? Although, calling a guy quiet piggy is hilarious. Piggy.
He called a guy a piggy.

Speaker 1 Quiet piggy.

Speaker 1 Especially if it's a fat guy.

Speaker 1 Quiet piggy. Yeah, can we see who this person was? Is that definitely.

Speaker 1 Can I see it? Can I see? I kind of want to get the visual more so than the name would be kind of meaningless to me.

Speaker 1 Because that's fucking a wild move, man. Catherine Lucy.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 Catherine Lucy from Bloomberg. I'd like to take a look at her.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would like to look at her. She doesn't really look too big.

Speaker 1 Who'd you say she was? I was just curious. She might have had a piggy's demeanor.
Yeah, it could have been.

Speaker 1 Damn, bro. That's a piggy's demeanor.

Speaker 1 Quiet, big, quiet piggy.

Speaker 1 Pointed at her, leaning over her.

Speaker 1 Although, you know, if the allegations are false, I'd be furious, too. What was she asking him? I think it was about Epstein.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's a quagmire right now.

Speaker 1 The one guy who got busted, the guy who was the Harvard president and that sat on the board of Open AI, did you know exactly what his emails, what he was saying? I was reading a lot of them, yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you about kind of using Epstein as like a dating coach? I didn't see that one. Yeah, he was apparently being like, I need a girlfriend.
I'm married, but I need a girlfriend. Like, how do I talk?

Speaker 1 It was like kind of PUA shit. Like, how do I talk?

Speaker 1 How do I talk to these kids? Like, what are some tips? How do I reach these kids? He had to neg them. He had to be like, bro, your geometry is trash, bro.

Speaker 1 What's your SAT score?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 tough stuff.

Speaker 1 That's the worst to not only be associating with a pedophile, but also to be seeking romantic guidance.

Speaker 1 I almost screamed to Quiet Piggy yesterday. When?

Speaker 1 I was ready to fucking explode, dude.

Speaker 1 I went to Starbucks and

Speaker 1 a woman in front of me. It's a pretty crowded Starbucks.
It was early in the morning. There's a woman up front.
She's trying samples.

Speaker 1 There's a line of people. Samples.
There's a woman going, oh, that's a new flavor. And the maniac girl behind the register was like, would you like to try a sample? And she's like, yeah, I would.

Speaker 1 Took five minutes to get the fucking sample. What was a sample of? Like one of those foam samples? It was like a new foamy bullshit holiday drink.
Bro, that's crazy. And then she was like,

Speaker 1 yeah, I'll take it. Oh, man.

Speaker 1 I mean, it was like.

Speaker 1 That would fucking... He was close.

Speaker 1 The starbucks lines always i was close to go what what the are you thinking oh my god especially to be like even a sample of coffee it's like oh that's a new varietal it's like piping hot you can't even just order it order the drink it's it's sugar whipped cream you're going to like it yeah drink it drink it

Speaker 1 yeah i almost

Speaker 1 almost broke

Speaker 1 get it get the buy it

Speaker 1 get out of the way i'm getting a fucking black coffee it's gonna take one second You're up here ordering. It's 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 Dude, do you feel like an absolute mastermind at Starbucks when you just get black coffee? You see everyone waiting for other drinks. You go, I'll have a black coffee.
It gets you instantly

Speaker 1 dumbasses. Fucking idiots.
Fucking idiots. Piggies.

Speaker 1 And then as soon as she got out of the way and I ordered, I was very relieved. I didn't have a.
Oh, yeah. I almost had an airport breakdown.

Speaker 1 I'm not afraid.

Speaker 1 Do you take a stance?

Speaker 1 Yo, what's Ariana Grande? Everybody.

Speaker 1 What did she do? What What did Ariana Grande do? Like, spazzed about donuts or something?

Speaker 1 I don't know that one.

Speaker 1 I believe, I believe, I should say.

Speaker 1 I could have bagel bossed.

Speaker 1 I could have bagel boss. Yeah, I think allegedly,

Speaker 1 Ariana Grande. I think she spawned.
One of them, one of some pop divas spazzed about donuts like very aggressively. So

Speaker 1 you deserve one. Come on.
Give yourself one diva moment. What are you talking about? I'll get a good diva moment.
Move. I've had enough.
Take the sample, you fucking bitch.

Speaker 1 You stupid fucking bitch. I mean, what are you thinking? That'd be a nice remake of the purge where people just said whatever they wanted to each other.
Just one day.

Speaker 1 Twitter.

Speaker 1 I can tell you exactly where that goes. Just the N-word in Nazi shit.
Right away.

Speaker 1 Immediately.

Speaker 1 It's Twitter right away. Holy fuck.
I never even thought about that. Twitter is just the verbal purge.

Speaker 1 It's crazy, dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, goddamn.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the closest I've come in a while. Have you had any? Spazzes? Yeah.
Yeah. Where are those the last time? No, you're not afraid to spaz.
I've seen you. I'll spazz, yeah.
What did I spazz?

Speaker 1 We went to Barton Springs and those two girls were like, we need cash. You were a little like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about? And I was with you kind of like, all right. I mean, I'm going to be on your side, but man, you're really laying into this.

Speaker 1 I did it with a WTF. I went,

Speaker 1 bro, when they went, once I was like, you don't have cash? And I do Vemo.

Speaker 1 You don't have Vemo. I went, oh my God, are you serious? And they were like, no, like, you got to get an app.
I'm like, I got to download a fucking app. Maybe I didn't have to do it.

Speaker 1 Trust me, I remember it. It was.
You know what pissed me off? I was getting jerky for sure. Yeah.
But

Speaker 1 within one sentence. Yes, because it's like,

Speaker 1 you didn't give them time to be rude.

Speaker 1 Don't get me wrong. We were fucking.
They were young girls working like the end of their summer job. They weren't that young.
That one lady. One lady was like 50.
She was not. They were both.

Speaker 1 One was young. One's definitely young.
Old enough.

Speaker 1 Dude, and it's like, there's a beautiful lake. Let me just go.
I was old enough to get it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I got to go download a fucking app. I'm trying to swim in a lake.

Speaker 1 It's a God-created lake. It's a funny sight, dude.

Speaker 1 I see why it was, it was a purple-haired lady reading a book

Speaker 1 in a tent, going, no, we don't do that. I can't stand with bureaucrat energy when it was just kind of like, you need to download an app.
And I was like, I got to download an app to go in the thing.

Speaker 1 It was like, come on, man. Let me in this fucking lake.
Yeah, that's who are you to stop me from going to this lake? All the way back to our car to get some cash. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I was pissed because I didn't have my goddamn wallet on me. I forgot.
I was like, fuck.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it pissed me off. That was nothing.
I almost like, for real, where was I recently? You flipped the tables at Farton Springs. That was Christ.
You're like, this is a natural lake.

Speaker 1 God gave us this.

Speaker 1 Be gone with your jewelry.

Speaker 1 I was like, Matt, they're not Jewish. They're lesbians.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was, yeah, that's

Speaker 1 that got me. That got me fired up.
But yeah, luckily you were there to cool me out a little. I was, I was, I was long for the ride.
I was gonna

Speaker 1 step in. I was like, okay, no cash or no, no, anymore.
If I can't just tap with my phone, I'm like, cash only is nuts. What are you fucking doing? Why are you making it so hard? It's not 1985.

Speaker 1 Like, let me get in here. I have my phone.
I can do Apple Pay.

Speaker 1 Come on. And they were like, you need to down.
When she said download the app, I don't know what it is. When I have to fucking download apps, I'm like, fuck.
Yeah. So I sent you a thing.

Speaker 1 We have to download an app. I'm like, dude, fuck you.
You're completely correct. Fuck you.
Downloading an app is crazy. I hate that shit.
I've seen

Speaker 1 another person who's not afraid to go is Ari Shafir with TSA.

Speaker 1 I've never seen anything like it, dude. Somebody, a guy took his lighter out of his bag, of course.
Yeah. And he was like, oh, oh, cool, dude.
You fucking feel good.

Speaker 1 I was like,

Speaker 1 dude, TSA. Like, you get fucking beat up.

Speaker 1 We're going to get arrested right now. I'm scared of the no-fly on TSA for sure.
I'm just kind of like, all right.

Speaker 1 Shafir went right away that's really funny over nothing it was like a two dollar lighter it was crazy yeah and then we once we got through he walked over to the guy was like

Speaker 1 yeah i was like

Speaker 1 you can't fight at the airport

Speaker 1 you're in jail for like 10 years yeah

Speaker 1 this episode is brought to you by aura frames

Speaker 1 The part, the best part of the holidays, aside from the great fooding, the gifts, because be honest, we all love a good gift. Love a good gift.

Speaker 1 Is getting to spend time with everyone with everyone getting to spend time with everyone i love

Speaker 1 i love spending time with you

Speaker 1 and i want this our time together to be so special true dude holiday season

Speaker 1 ways to make you feel special dude around the holidays an aura frame

Speaker 1 i sent matt an aura frame stocked with photos of he and i it was awesome and you know the perfect gift this year that could be for you to share those moments give the gifts of togetherness with aura frames it's a digital picture frame that can hold those memories and make them come alive again.

Speaker 1 I'd like to come alive. I would love that.

Speaker 1 You can add as many photos or short videos as you want. All you need is the Aura app and a Wi-Fi connection.
Dang. So as you keep making memories, you can add to the frame.
You know what I'd add?

Speaker 1 What's that? This memory right now. A picture of this? Yeah, of us doing an ad read and take a picture and put it up there.

Speaker 1 It would just be just a drop in the sea of many memories that we have. Yes.
The high-resolution photos.

Speaker 1 You know what makes me the most hard is the high-resolution photos look like real prints and they really help you relive the moment. And you can try interacting with the photo right there.

Speaker 1 So, you know, you can get any photos you want on there. Brief message like, congrats.

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Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Let's get a picture of that.

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Speaker 1 Terms and conditions apply. I don't think you got out of that.
Yeah. I should do that, huh? Oh, yeah.
The big tour. The big tour.
The big tour.

Speaker 1 When's this? Oh, never mind.

Speaker 1 December 4th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. December 5th, I'll be in Phoenix.
December 12th, I'll be in Boise, Idaho. December 13th, Portland, Oregon.

Speaker 1 Guys, please come to the... So the Springfield Comedy Club in Springfield, Missouri now.
We got to fire it back up. New ownership.
Everything's good. Everything's smooth.

Speaker 1 I think the tickets, I know they are actually, will all be honored if you bought your tickets and didn't get refunded at the other place. That's wonderful.
Yeah, really nice stuff.

Speaker 1 I'll be there 12-12, 12-13. That's December.
Funnybone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York, that's 12-19. And then

Speaker 1 the big theater tour starts 1-16 in Houston, Texas. Go to Dallas, Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, and many more cities.
And if your city's not on there, don't worry.

Speaker 1 I'll do another stretch of cities after this. So thank you.
Go to MattMcCusker.com, please. Yes.
Hello, everybody. This is Sean Gardini.

Speaker 1 I just wanted to let you know that I'll be playing, well, I'll be doing stand-up at the Comedy Vault in Batavia, Illinois on Sunday,

Speaker 1 December 7th. Tickets are at SeanGardini.com or at the Comedy Vault website, please, on December 7th, please.
Dang. Yeah, I forgot all about that.

Speaker 1 There was, I don't know where I was recently, though, but there was one where someone was doing that shit where they were like trying a million things.

Speaker 1 Fuck, I think it was at the grocery store and someone was doing something like that where they kept just like asking a million questions. I'm like, dude, they're fucking eggs, man.

Speaker 1 That's what it is.

Speaker 1 Farmer's farmer's market. So the fucking farmer's market, dude.
And everyone goes there. I was getting just, I just wanted a chicken.
I was going to put it in the crock pot.

Speaker 1 And there's like a, you know, a chicken farmer guy who has like, you know, a tent. And this guy's like, so how do you think I should cook this chicken? And I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

Speaker 1 Just put it in the fucking oven or Google it. I'm sitting there.
And he's like two people in front of me. The next guy's like, I don't know, man.

Speaker 1 I uh, these chicken went, and I'm like, shut the fuck up. Just buy this shit.
It took me 10 minutes to buy a chicken. And there's two people in front of me.

Speaker 1 And I was just like, I was so close to being like, dude, just buy the fucking chicken and move, please. Yeah, you put your head up a little.
You go.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And farmers, people at farmers markets think they can have a half an hour discussion with the vendor.

Speaker 1 That makes sense to me.

Speaker 1 It's fucking annoying. Yeah.
You got to go get my raw milk. Raw milk, I get it because there are questions to have.
There's people. That one is understandable, but good God, it's just a story.

Speaker 1 Farmer's Market is happy and willing to chat.

Speaker 1 Every single person,

Speaker 1 every single person.

Speaker 1 I always have my kids there. I'm in and out.
Every second is agony. I'm trying to get my stuff.
They're running. They're like, Can we please get a balloon? Like, there's like a balloon twister lady.

Speaker 1 I'm like, no, they're broken. I see her right there.
I'm like, yeah, you can't get one. That's the last one.

Speaker 1 My kids are just yelling as I'm like, shut the fuck up about chicken, dude. Please let me buy this.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 They're like, we're actually out of Vegas. I'm like,

Speaker 1 I'm here 15 minutes into the fucking farmer's market. I had a nice spaz yesterday.

Speaker 1 You would have liked it. I told you briefly about it, but I didn't get the stickers for my registration for my car.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I figured they did that at the dealership when they did your admissions and inspection.

Speaker 1 And they don't. So then I'm just, I was like, where the fuck is it? And I called the dealership.
And they were like, yeah, you can go to a tax assessor's. You go to your local tax place.
I was like,

Speaker 1 that's fucking crazy. And then I googled it on the Texas DMV, and it was like, they also do it at HEBs.
Here's a list of HEBs in Austin you can go to. And there's one right by me.

Speaker 1 I'm in the parking lot and I'm like,

Speaker 1 I can't go in there and go up to a register and be like, do you guys do inspections for cars?

Speaker 1 Because there's no way they do.

Speaker 1 Like, what the fuck is going on? And I drove and I sat in the spot for like five minutes of like, this is how this is going to go.

Speaker 1 I'm also wearing these fucking like slippers and jigs. I'm wearing this.

Speaker 1 I'm wearing slippers and socks. It's like, dude, if I go in and go, do you guys, I have my car registered.
Here's the paperwork. Like, get the fuck out of here.
I don't even know, dude.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you thinking? Don't do an AGB. Like, you guys make my car street legal, please.

Speaker 1 Get the fuck out of it. And I drove home and

Speaker 1 I looked it up. I had to download the app to join a fucking thing.

Speaker 1 And sure enough, they were like, we mailed it and it was in my mailbox. That's nice.
So that was a big one. That's huge.
Actually, the day I went and searched for it, that's when it arrived.

Speaker 1 Dang, yeah, that's cool. Yeah, it was nice.
That's really nice. Yeah, that's that shit pisses me off.
I, that's

Speaker 1 shout out to wives for that. Cause I

Speaker 1 crazy, dude. I fucking can't, man.
Can't do that shit. If it's like, you have to renew any piece of paperwork.
Well, you need your social security cards. Like, yeah, I don't have one.

Speaker 1 I don't know where it is. I don't know where any of that shit is.
Went to the post office to ship some shit. Yeah, that sucks.
Chaos.

Speaker 1 I have no idea what I'm doing. In public,

Speaker 1 I have no idea what I'm ever doing.

Speaker 1 I don't. I stand there.
I wait in line. I waited in like a fucking 30-minute line and got to the front.
I was like, How do I ship this?

Speaker 1 And he was like, Do you have the address written on it? I was like, No. Do you have any tape for the boxes? I was like, No.
He was like, Here's tape. Here's a Sharpie.
Write the address. I did

Speaker 1 huge box and then fucking go to the end of the line and hold a 35-pound box.

Speaker 1 It was fucking crazy. You go back to the end? Yeah, I didn't want to butt.
Yeah, that's fair to get to the front, do your work, and everyone's taking so long up there. Oh, dude.

Speaker 1 I used to, I used to, when I used to do all the merch stuff, I used to be in the post offices all the time, and it fucking sucked.

Speaker 1 Although, once you get like when you're a regular at the post office, you kind of start to feel like a star. Yeah.
So I had a P.O. box.
So if you had a P.O.

Speaker 1 box, I'll let you skip the line and go straight to the counter. I'd be like, yeah, guys, excuse me, guys.

Speaker 1 I was feeling a little different with the P.O. box.
Like, yeah, you guys, you guys are doing those. Tape it loudly

Speaker 1 in front of the line. The whole line's watching me.

Speaker 1 Five minutes easy of just taping shit. It's completely crushed.
Trying to sharpie an address, misspelling shit. It sucks.
Yeah, that shit sucks so bad. I got crushed.
I was renting a car recently.

Speaker 1 Actually, me and Sean had a nice little time in our Jeep. I ran in a Jeep Wrangler.

Speaker 1 Showing Sean the Jeep life. It was all.
They have ducks. They call some ducks.
We could have. We stopped one time at a gas station.
There were some ducks. I'm like, dude, I should line this thing up.

Speaker 1 My brother has a Jeep, but he got like, get, you know, they put the ducks on the front of your car. He had like six of them up there.

Speaker 1 And then one day he was having a bad day and just was like getting in the car. I was like, why do I got these fucking ducks in here? Knocked them all off.
They're still like on the bottom of it.

Speaker 1 Just a

Speaker 1 bad day, ducks, man. I had to rent that Jeep and I like got there.
Dude, car rental places, by the way, too, you'll show up and I'm like, oh, I just need a car.

Speaker 1 And they're like, did you do a reservation? And they're like, I was like, no, I just wanted to see if you guys have anything. We don't have anything.
We don't have anything.

Speaker 1 And then I'm like, but then I had talked to Brittany before because she was like, Oh, I already like, let me know because I put it in the shopping cart.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, Well, my wife was said, You guys have like a Jeep Wrangler? And like, yeah, we can do that for $69.99 a day. I'm like, Why did you just, you just lied in my fucking face?

Speaker 1 But I, I let that was a spot. I just went, you know what? I'm not even gonna argue with this lady.
I was like, Yeah, I'll have that one then since that is available.

Speaker 1 There was fucking 40 Jeeps in line. I'm like, Why did you tell me you don't have them? Yeah, it was pretty nuts.
They were trying to get the how shitty renting a car is. Oh, it's crazy.
An airport.

Speaker 1 Oh my God. Yeah.
But it was the one. Usually it's all like, you know, Brittany will take care of all that stuff.
She didn't. That one time, I was like,

Speaker 1 she's like, you should rent a car. I'm like, I'll be fine.
I'll just Uber. And then I got there.
I was like, I want to rent a car. And she's like, all right, just, she's like, I'll do it.

Speaker 1 I was like, I can fucking do it. It's like a child.
I know how to do that. I get there.
And I'm like,

Speaker 1 she just doesn't have any fucking cars. She's like, she's lying.
There's one in my cart. I was like, yeah, you have a Jeep.
She's lying. That's great.
And then,

Speaker 1 and then she was like, I'm like doing all the paperwork stuff. And she's like, what's your, what kind of car insurance do you have? And I was like, I have no idea.
I was like, just skip all

Speaker 1 every single time I have to email my insurance company and be like, can you send me another card?

Speaker 1 They're like, we did this a week ago. They're in your emails.

Speaker 1 Just send it right now. I can't.

Speaker 1 I don't know your name. I don't know anyone's name.
I don't know how to find it in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it almost makes it like you hear about all this facial recognition shit. And part of me is kind of like, whatever, man.
If you can just scan my dumb face and get all my papers, that'd be great.

Speaker 1 I fucking, I can't stand that stuff. Yeah.
Because I told you, when I went to get my license, it was

Speaker 1 or transfer my tags to texas here the guy was just like i was like thought i was going to be in and out i'm like here we go and uh the guy was like yeah your license got suspended in connecticut i'm like that was like 10 years ago he's like yeah you missed the last payment so now like i can't do anything and i was just like i had a call connecticut and i was just like

Speaker 1 full spaz had no what to do

Speaker 1 connecticut on the phone it's crazy it's impossible getting getting

Speaker 1 texas driver's license here i called the connecticut state police it was like hello i I was like, dude. And they were just like, I don't know what to do for you.
And I was like,

Speaker 1 well, that's your guys' fault. You're telling me it's, it's fucking, I did it.
I know I didn't pay it. I know I paid it.

Speaker 1 And then, dude, they misspelled. They gave me my ID and it was MC Space C U S K E R.
I get home. I'm like, bang, got my ID.
Brittany's like, why is there a gap between your letters?

Speaker 1 I'm like, who gives a fuck? And then she's like, no, it actually will affect stuff. I'm like, dude, will you shut up about this? And And then we went to apply for some sort of thing.

Speaker 1 And they're like, yeah, they rejected you, right?

Speaker 1 I was like, nah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's

Speaker 1 when

Speaker 1 trying to get a Texas license took fucking forever.

Speaker 1 Took me a year of going. I would go to the DMV sometimes.
I'd be like, it's time for me to get this done today. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Drive.

Speaker 1 30 minutes outside of the city to try to find a shitty one that no one's at. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Chock full of Mexicans in there. Me and them are just getting IDs together.
We're new Texas residents.

Speaker 1 They're like, the wait list is,

Speaker 1 can you come back in six months? I'm like, all right, I'll be there.

Speaker 1 Sleep right through that.

Speaker 1 I have no idea. Like, I should have put that on my calendar.
April 6th, I got to go there. Dude,

Speaker 1 every doctor is a type of appointment I go to. They go, okay, so when it'll be good for you, how about six months from now? I go, perfect.
And I just leave.

Speaker 1 Great. I'll definitely remember.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I was at the gym recently, and there was a chiropractor who like set up. And I'm like, oh, I could, that'd be nice.
It's like close to my house. I'll get it.
And I paid for an initial appointment.

Speaker 1 Never, the lady went to hand me her business card. And I was like, I don't need your fucking business card.
So I was telling Brittany, like, yo, I found this new chiropractor.

Speaker 1 It's going to be awesome. And she was like, what's the name of the place? And I was like, I don't know.
She's like, how are you going to go to your appointment if you don't know the name of it?

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, fuck. And I just, I just missed.

Speaker 1 I just paid for an appointment.

Speaker 1 Never going. And she'd be like, that's, you got to stop doing that.
I'm like, don't tell me. I don't give a fuck if I miss it or not.
She's like, well, that's crazy that you pay for an appointment.

Speaker 1 You don't know where to go. And I was like,

Speaker 1 well, that's for me to worry about, not for you.

Speaker 1 Shut up. People with business cards can get fucked.
That's what I said. I'm like, I don't need your business card, but I don't.
I'm tired of people handing me a fucking business card.

Speaker 1 It just is trash. I'm never going to sit down and go.

Speaker 1 Give me your number. Give me your fucking number.
Type it in.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was bad. That was my bad, though, not to verify the name of the business before.
Because I was like, I'll get an email, like an onboard email being like, hey, you have an appointment.

Speaker 1 That's what I banked on, but no such luck. I got, uh, yeah, down 65 bucks.

Speaker 1 That's whatever. I'll crack your back.
It's all good. Yeah.
I'll do it for you. Yeah, we'll make it back.

Speaker 1 Oh, LeMaire Nuruyu. Did I? True.

Speaker 1 Nothing. You got to fix my back.
Did I tell you all about my

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Speaker 1 Oh, I heard you almost got it.

Speaker 1 I don't remember the name of the bar, but. Sorry, I was looking at your cup.
Does it say Wonder Chosen? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who wrote that? That's just what the name of the drink is. Wonder Chosen? Yeah.
That's it. Oh, fuck you.
That's a great... Do you remember that show? That's the Purple Dragon.

Speaker 1 Wonder Shows and was wild. I can't.
What is Wonder Shows? I didn't know. It's an old, like, MTV, like, fake kids' show.
That was like, there's a lot of really good stuff on there. Nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's awesome. Check it out.
A lot of really good stuff in here. No, that was stupid.

Speaker 1 That's more like it. That's what I wanted.
I wanted you to sit here and bomb. That is nice.

Speaker 1 I want the comments to go nuts on me. Yeah,

Speaker 1 Mate's on his Dr. CB shit right now.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to recover. I'm trying to get my poop back to like normal green.

Speaker 1 Normal green would be better than Bright Neon. There was the drag, bro.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 1 I'm all right. So what happened to the bar spass? What happened?

Speaker 1 This is like 4 a.m.

Speaker 1 I might have overreacted a little bit, but I was saying something.

Speaker 1 Why are you laughing at me like that? You definitely overreacted. I overreacted, but dude,

Speaker 1 we went to a bar on Saturday that was about to close. Yeah, I heard.
And the guy kept it open for us. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then when I left and there was just a group of people there that were with me, he was ready. He was ready.
You know what I mean? He was like, all right, it's. Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 1 We were supposed to be closed three hours ago. He never.

Speaker 1 It was like three hours. I can't believe you guys stayed that late.
Well, he... He kept drinking.
He was giving out.

Speaker 1 Well, they didn't happen to me, but he was giving other people there like free drinks. He was like in his own little, I think he got hammered while we were there.

Speaker 1 And at some point, he, I forget, I'm talking to Chris Fega, and he says says something to me. And like,

Speaker 1 I wish I could remember what I said back because, like, not knowing what I said back makes it sound like I'm definitely the asshole. But

Speaker 1 he takes my beer and he goes, all right, you're done, and just like pours it out, like looking me in the eyes like I'm, like, I'm a bitch. But you said something to him that you don't remember.

Speaker 1 I don't think I said anything crazy. I think I was like talking to Chris, and he just kind of came in, like, hopping into what we were talking about, is how I remember it.

Speaker 1 You hit it with a quiet piggy, probably.

Speaker 1 Could have been a quiet piggy. I would have tried to guess it it was homophobic or transphobic,

Speaker 1 it might have been. I don't know.
But he just came into the topic, and you were just kind of like, That's how I remember. Who do you think it was, LeMaire?

Speaker 1 Well, I was just waiting for the after the incident. Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah, so after he poured the beer, it did that did make me mad as hell.
And I was like, what the fuck was that about? And then I like knocked the empty off, which I'm saying is a spaz.

Speaker 1 It is a spaz. It's a total spaz.

Speaker 1 But then

Speaker 1 I wasn't. Glass shattered.
Glass definitely shattered.

Speaker 1 Dang, but still, you look somebody in the eyes and pour their beer out. Like, that's, I'm not.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 There was a huge chance he had gone, hey guys, wrap it up, and got ignored seven times. Did he do that?

Speaker 1 I don't think he did that. I don't know.

Speaker 1 Because also, what was happening at that time is the regulars were there. He was like a lot of the regulars because their bar was still open.
They were like, oh shit, my bar's open.

Speaker 1 So they were, I think, literally what one of them said was like, we don't know who all these white people are, but we're happy that they regulars were, yeah, we're talking like third ward NOLA, yeah,

Speaker 1 and so got you, Nate. Those guys didn't show up until after you were like,

Speaker 1 Me and Faye, we're not leaving

Speaker 1 because I saw them, I definitely saw them. Because, like, I just, I think you were outside, but they were there.
But yeah, after that happened, it was definitely like the locals at their bar.

Speaker 1 Like, you got your black lady on, huh? I didn't get my black lady on. You got your black lady on.

Speaker 1 You took something off the counter, threw it behind the counter. I didn't get my blue.
You started screaming, oh, I'm not going anywhere.

Speaker 1 I've seen it.

Speaker 1 I've seen every Denny's video.

Speaker 1 When things go wrong, you start throwing plates and shit. No, no, no.
Uh-uh. I just did a little bit of it.
I just did a little bit of a dude. Nobody pours out my drink.

Speaker 1 No, but

Speaker 1 they had you fucked up.

Speaker 1 They did have me fucked up.

Speaker 1 They did have me fucked up.

Speaker 1 And LaVer was trying to get out. It was because you were trying to get like skedaddle, skedaddle, and I didn't like the way that felt.
And that's what it was. I was like, they're about to fight you.

Speaker 1 You keep slurring at the bartender to his face.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Hey, you were dropping a lot. And I was like, bro, we got to leave.

Speaker 1 I'm going to pick up your beer out. Looking in the eye and pouring your beer out is crazy.

Speaker 1 But then I did kind of peep dudes that started positioning themselves in ways to like.

Speaker 1 It's all part of the plan. You go, what are you fellas going to do? Take me in the alley and rough me up?

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. None of you could wrestle me in the alley.

Speaker 1 You wish you got a wrestling match.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I knew there's more to it.

Speaker 1 I knew it was obviously unruly. You break a glass.

Speaker 1 I was a little. Honestly, I didn't.

Speaker 1 If I was there, I would have joined their side.

Speaker 1 Let's get him, fellas.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you. I already come up behind you going.

Speaker 1 so after you smashed the glass what was what was the next move just so I start people that there's like like people starting to eye me in the ball like like staring at me and like getting a little closer and shit and I saw a lot of them and I he was looking at me I just went over to talk to him I was like I'm gonna just fucking figure it out I was like and I said what happened I talked about the like you know staring me in the eyes pouring the beer out blah blah blah and he was like he kind of just was like ah yeah that's fucked up and he probably knew that like he this guy was hammer.

Speaker 1 They know, you know, it's their bar. They also know that he probably, like, they know he can be a dickhead and just

Speaker 1 smoothed it over. He dabbed me up.
He was like, all good.

Speaker 1 Like, follow me on Instagram. He followed you on Instagram.

Speaker 1 I feel like Forever.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 It was probably, it was probably that. Who's that guy on Instagram right now? The

Speaker 1 guy with no front teeth?

Speaker 1 He's always talking about juicy booties.

Speaker 1 It's probably Fleece Johnson.

Speaker 1 Don't worry about it, young blood. Tell about the guy who.

Speaker 1 He probably heard you fart at the bar.

Speaker 1 Oh my God, that's a juicy booty. That's a wet mussy.

Speaker 1 That's nice. So you shut the bar down.

Speaker 1 You left on your terms.

Speaker 1 We're fucking good, right? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 It gets worse.

Speaker 1 So I did try to squat. I squashed it with everybody around me that was, you know.
Man, I would love to have seen that. He was like, ah, you know, we're good, right? Yeah, we're good luck.

Speaker 1 We're all friends. What's your Instagram?

Speaker 1 They were probably like, man, get this weird fucking guy out of here.

Speaker 1 What happened was, I forget who else was there, but somebody else was like, no, he's, I think other people here was like, no, he's, he's not like this.

Speaker 1 He's, this was, you know, this is a little out of character for him. He's not a dickhead, blah, blah, blah.
And that's what the guy said to me. He was like, everybody here is saying you're cool.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, that type of shit. And then I went to the bartender to apologize because I was like, you know, I did knock the thing down.
Like, you know, it was glass shit out.

Speaker 1 I went to like, yo, my bad. Maybe we had a misunderstanding with that beard pouring out thing, but I didn't mean to do all that.

Speaker 1 He was like, No, you saw my boys, and then you coming around you, and then you got scared.

Speaker 1 And, like, and then I was like, No,

Speaker 1 I didn't get scared. I'm just trying to do the right thing now and apologize to you.
I'll die in this bar.

Speaker 1 I started, I was like, and then that's when Lamar's trying to get me out. He was like, Come on, eight, you gotta go.
Then eventually, I was like, Yeah, the 504 boys on you.

Speaker 1 I mean, that was a bad place to do that. Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 And I wasn't saying it, like, kill me in this bar. I was saying it, like, no, I'm not scared.
You literally said, kill me in this bar. No, I didn't.
I don't even talk like that.

Speaker 1 Bro, you're definitely saying I'll die in here. You better kill me.

Speaker 1 They're going to have to kill me to get me out of here. I don't think I said that.

Speaker 1 I think LeMaire is lying on me right now.

Speaker 1 You were close to saying exactly that until he said that. But I do think I said, why were you saying this the whole time? I was saying, Nate, we need to fucking go.
He was trying to go.

Speaker 1 He was trying to get out of here. I was like, why are you spending money at a bar where the guy doesn't like you?

Speaker 1 That's actually a good appeal to a drunk brain. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fuck him. I'll show it, motherfucker.

Speaker 1 What was the takeaway?

Speaker 1 That's the most important. What's the takeaway? Yeah, what'd you learn?

Speaker 1 Not a goddamn

Speaker 1 goddamn thing. It'd be funny.
That whole night you had been talking about Christian Ronaldo the entire night.

Speaker 1 Oh, this guy sounds amazing.

Speaker 1 You didn't learn anything.

Speaker 1 I don't like your behavior. I'm not.
I would be annoyed. I was always the bartender.

Speaker 1 I mean, I was doing, I made some mistakes, but then I still tried to make it right in all the right ways. Yeah, but after you saw all his boys show up, and he was right again, that was.

Speaker 1 Sean told me at one point you got up and you're like, you know who the fuck I did a podcast with? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you have any idea who my podcast partner is?

Speaker 1 I heard they poured out the drink because you tried to coyote ugly.

Speaker 1 You got up and said, let's go, girls.

Speaker 1 You tried to twerk on the bar, and they said, Get him the fuck out of here. Smashing the glass is sick.

Speaker 1 It's too much. It is too much.
It's not, I really didn't. I don't think I was expecting it to like fall and shatter.
I wasn't thinking that. I just was like, come on.
Ah, shit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now we've done, done it. Clear the counter.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But pulling out, I'm pulling off like not getting my ass whooped.
I am pretty happy. Like, I'm proud of that.
If you survive, that would have been a rough one.

Speaker 1 It would have been a, it would have been a hot, I'd have been hospitalized. 4 a.m.
New Orleans. Especially after I'm ready to die.
And

Speaker 1 as soon as someone cracks me, I'm like, what funny is that?

Speaker 1 Motherfucker, kidding, you feel me?

Speaker 1 I don't really want to die when you're saying that.

Speaker 1 That would have sucked. I mean, when we got out of the Uber to go into the bar, I was like...

Speaker 1 Yeah. This is a real place.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is the real

Speaker 1 deal. This is the Wild West.
We're going to have to act right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to have to be polite. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It wasn't. It was a good ball.
Yeah, it was a good time. I'm just saying when we pulled up, it was

Speaker 1 black as hell.

Speaker 1 They couldn't be acting a fool. Yeah.
They were playing Usher across the street. They were what? They played a lot of Usher across the street.
That's how black it was. Yeah, it was very black.

Speaker 1 What was going on across the street?

Speaker 1 It was like a clerb. Okay,

Speaker 1 dance clerb. Just ripping Usher.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 Those are the only places you can hear like Usher and Chris Brown Brown as like a black dance clerb.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Certainly.

Speaker 1 Although, yeah, I feel like if you're at a true bar in the hood, it'd be plastic cups everywhere. There would be no glass to smash.
A lot of plastic cups going on. Yeah.
Yeah, we did have bottles.

Speaker 1 I didn't even think about that. There's a lot of plastic.
When I used to go to the bars in West, there was like bars in the bottom of the bottom. No, it definitely wasn't like that.

Speaker 1 It wasn't like that hood. Yeah.
Okay, I still got a bar. There were patrons.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Visibly, guys, you don't want to bother.

Speaker 1 Were they grown and sexy? No.

Speaker 1 They were not grown and sexy, but they were.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 They looked like 17th war bits. It was.
So you're like a little netherrem, basically. Yeah, you didn't.

Speaker 1 I can't even imagine doing that. Wasn't for messing around.
Yeah, it wasn't for messing around. Yeah.
So I used to go.

Speaker 1 There was like bars when I went to school at Drexel in West Philly that would serve. Like you could be a baby, and they'd be like, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 And I just vividly remember only ever drinking out of clear plastic cups. I'm like, fuck, this place is the best bar I've ever been to.
I've been to two bars. This is my favorite whatever.

Speaker 1 Two-for-one shot. That's exactly how I am.
I'm still, that's still my favorite bar. I go to the bar I worked at when I was 21.
Every, yeah.

Speaker 1 This is the best.

Speaker 1 There is, I will say, there is something so fun about walking into a bar, pretty much stone sober, and then just kind of really digging in for like hours at a bar stool. Yeah.
It's so nice.

Speaker 1 Talk about clocking in. Yes.

Speaker 1 Putting in a real shift. Putting in a real shift in a bar.

Speaker 1 We put in one of the strongest shifts

Speaker 1 in Chicago the day after

Speaker 1 Oasis.

Speaker 1 Me, Billy. Oh, you guys do.
Me, Billy, Spud, and Egot put in a monster shift. Yeah.
It was really nice. That's fun.
Egot had to skedaddle because the beers were looking. Yeah.
They were calling him.

Speaker 1 That would absolutely kill me. Spud's willing to put in a shift.
I was surprised how willing Billy was to put in a shift. Put in the shift.
It was a great shift. Yeah.

Speaker 1 People love to change bars. No, it's nice to dig in.
You dig in. We sit at this table.
we talk, then it got a little guys at the next table. We're like, you guys want some blow?

Speaker 1 And it was like, shifts over. Yeah, we're out.
We're locking out. That's how

Speaker 1 you get that. That was overtime.

Speaker 1 That's the night crew coming in.

Speaker 1 All right. We're digging.

Speaker 1 You got it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was my favorite thing. When I used to get worked for an electrician, we would get paid in a bar in cash every Friday.
That was a big thing. He'd be like, we're digging in.

Speaker 1 We're going to dig in the whole thing. Basically, like most of the company would just sit at the bottom.
You've been talking about a shift. It's fire.

Speaker 1 I love it, dude. And I'm going to Westchester this weekend.
I'll be putting in a shift.

Speaker 1 Saturday college football no dame at 3.30. That's shift time.
Oh, yeah, true. 3.30.
The whistle's going.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I got my lunch pail.

Speaker 1 I got my lunch pail.

Speaker 1 Of wings. That'd be a sick bar if you could just sit on iron beams

Speaker 1 of like four feet up, have a little lunch pail, and they give you your drinks. You can pretend you're an iron worker in the 1920s.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm reading a, speaking of infrastructure in the 1920s, I'm reading a book right now called

Speaker 1 The Titan by Theodore Dreiser, Dreisder, whatever his name is. And it's all about the robber baron age of like 1890 to 1920.

Speaker 1 But it's a guy from Philadelphia who does some white-collar financial crime, goes to jail, but still has like, you know, a cool million bucks. And then he goes out to Chicago to like really...

Speaker 1 ramp up his it's just him and his mistress he just abandons his family with his mistress goes to chicago and just starts monopolizing like gas works and railroads. It's so fucking funny.
It's nice.

Speaker 1 It's all about 90. Anything like turn of the 20th century high society, the vernacular is so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 They all just attack each other, and it's the best. Yeah.
Like

Speaker 1 Greg Catsby. Yeah, it's very similar.

Speaker 1 He's an easy. He's a sport? Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's quite so. Quite so.

Speaker 1 Also, The Sun Also Rises is very like that. Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 1 yeah. I just love that.
They just hate each other. They all went to Ivy League.
They're all like, he thinks he's a good fighter. He's a Jew.

Speaker 1 It's exactly that. He's like, I'll tell you what, that Jew can fight.
I wouldn't want to try him.

Speaker 1 That man's rotten from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. I'm about to try this on for size.
And he sucked him right in the jaw.

Speaker 1 They made up.

Speaker 1 And like, dude,

Speaker 1 his wife, like, bucks. He's just completely.

Speaker 1 He has like non-stop mistresses. He's constantly like, he'll meet a guy.
He'll be like,

Speaker 1 I knew his child when she was in younger years, and she turned into a beautiful woman. So I decided to bed her in the parlour.
It was my business associate, but whatever.

Speaker 1 That's none of his business anyway. And dude,

Speaker 1 at one point, his wife obviously gets wise to one of his, or is, well, he marries his mistress, that's his wife now, and she gets wise to it, and she just attacks the lady.

Speaker 1 And he just comes and like, he's like talking about how he's just, obviously, like, he's like, hold still. He's like, you've lost your mind.
You've lost your mind. What are you doing?

Speaker 1 And it's like that. Back then, he's like, he could have just committed.
He could have fully been like sent her to the institution.

Speaker 1 But at one point, the guy was just like thinking about it. And he goes, he had to like hold her down.

Speaker 1 And he was just like, in an elder day, I could have choked her to death and sewn her up in a burlap sack and thrown her in the river.

Speaker 1 It's so funny to be in like a three-piece suit and be like, in elder times, I could choke this woman and kill her.

Speaker 1 On the ride back, I had, everyh, fell asleep when I was driving. So I put on post, post office by Bukowski.
And it was like out of nowhere. He's just like talking about, you know, going on his route.

Speaker 1 And then this lady, he just like, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's a good scene.

Speaker 1 It was real uncomfortable because Shaw's ladies in the car. So I don't know why that made it worse, but it's like a woman in the car listening to that speed.
It was like,

Speaker 1 I ain't see that coming. Yeah, he had sucked by a nasty old woman.
No. Wait, which one he jacks off? No, he took a lady.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he was like, he was like, I finished her off and then I left. It's like, damn.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I had this guy's posters on my wall. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Vigowski's not great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That one caught me off guard. Usually he's just drinking and fighting.
Oh, it's the post office. All right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Those guys got him on, right? They really let it air out.
Yeah. Now it's like, you don't have any strong women of color in your book.
And now back then it'd be like, I fucking killed that lady.

Speaker 1 This is based on my life. Yeah.
One time on my post office route, I saw a lady that kind of insinuated to have sex. I went inside and raped her.
And

Speaker 1 anyway, then I got hammered and fist fought another guy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those dudes are wilding out for sure. Yeah.

Speaker 1 How are we doing on this? I think we're good. I think it's time for the Patreon.
Yeah, true.

Speaker 1 So many salacious stories. Ooh, yeah.
I mean, this is nothing but headlines right now. True.

Speaker 1 All right. Dirty gossip.
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