Chapter 43: Adventure

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Previously, on Midnight Burger, Los Angeles wasn't on fire, and Joe didn't have to record previously on in a hotel room in Oxnard.

But I digress.

Get ready, get set, get out.

It's the Midnight Burger speed run, y'all.

Yes, we were all having a hot time in the old town tonight last time as the gang crisscrossed around Cryptesia, trying to free all of the refugees.

Planets to go?

997.

Refugees left to save?

102.

They went to this planet.

Heads up?

Edible arrangements?

This is a fucking robbery.

That planet.

But your shit is the weakest.

That other planet.

I'm gonna fight you, I billy rogue.

All kinds of crazy things went down.

Shouldn't you be killing me right now?

Stand aside.

Why won't he kill you?

I don't know.

And then, right toward the end, the mystery men showed up with some sort of evil whiz-bang thing-amabobber.

What the fuck is that thing?

Seb?

Effie, what happened to them?

The Mucklewanes have gone dark.

What are you doing?

And the diner had a very sudden change in itinerary.

We're going to their homeworld.

God damn it.

Our heroes now have about half a day to figure a way out of this one.

But where to start?

Tita.

Yeah.

Can you bring the Vistec into the diner?

Yeah, why?

I'm going to find the Muckle Wains.

Oh.

Okay.

Why not?

Grab your flashlights and your burlap sacks, everyone.

We're going on a muckle hunt.

Let's start the shift.

The chief problem with the South American continent when it comes to the work we seek to do is this:

erasure.

First, there is the erasure of the jungle historical structures even if they were made of stone and not the timber that's plentiful there can be swallowed whole by the jungle inside of 10 years that's a blink of an eye to an archaeologist second the erasure of plunder The continent was raided for plunder so many times during the colonial era that important relics have been scattered across the globe now.

You can find them in Arabia, you can find them in Malaysia.

I found an Incan idol in the hands of a Russian fur trader one time.

So, when we cross the equator looking to do the work we intend to do, we must understand that we are looking for sand castles at high tide.

With every day that goes by, we lose a little more of the story of that entire continent.

All right, that's all for today.

Tomorrow we start on Pachakutek.

It's going to be a considerable amount to memorize, so I suggest you empty your heads out before class tomorrow.

Mr.

Davidson, you should have no problem with that.

See you tomorrow, everyone.

Looks like I found her.

This is amazing, Labuza.

I can't believe you pulled this off.

Is Lafe's monitor working?

Can you see what I'm seeing?

Yeah, it's only black and white.

It's kind of like watching an old movie, but I can see what you're seeing.

The black and white is kind of appropriate, actually.

It looks like you're somewhere in Earth's past.

Judging by the clothes, it's looking like the 1940s.

This is a university?

Yeah.

Hey, Ava, look at this.

Can you recognize where she is?

Let me see.

Oh, that's fucking Harvard.

See the symbol on that guy's blazer?

It's pretty old, though.

You're right.

It's probably the 40s.

What was that like?

The 40s?

We were at war with the Nazis for most of it.

Not sure if that's where you are right now.

This is definitely during wartime.

That class should be full of dudes, but there's only a few of them.

They've probably been called up.

In the 40s, you could only defer the draft.

If you were studying a science, she's talking about Pachakutek.

He was an Incan Emperor.

That's not a science class.

Okay.

What is all this about?

This isn't what I was expecting.

Labuza, the Muckawains have gone through a long process of figuring out what the hell they are.

It all started one day when Gloria accidentally knocked over the radio.

They seem to retreat into these various fantasy worlds.

I think it may have been a way of protecting themselves.

Then later on, they figured out how to do it on command.

That may be what's going on right now.

Protecting themselves from whatever the benefactor is trying to do to them.

Okay.

If they're trying to protect themselves, I shouldn't try and snap them out of it then.

No, Labuza, I would play along for now.

We still need to find Zebulon.

Okay, looks like she's heading to her office.

Try and get an appointment.

See if she recognizes you.

Here I go.

Oh.

I don't think she's going to recognize me.

Is that your reflection?

I I guess so.

I'm human.

And a very snappy dresser, looks like.

This is this is weird.

How does it feel?

What's the point of a sweater this short?

No idea.

And these shoes are very painful.

Is this standard?

Yeah, the history of women's footwear on Earth is a painful history.

Speaking of that, Labuza, I don't think Harvard was admitting women this early.

They started in the 40s, but it took a while for them to issue their first PhD to a woman, so

whatever we're looking at, it's gonna be evocative of the 40s, but there's gonna be some inaccuracies, looks like.

Okay.

I'm going to try and track down Effie.

Labuza, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling okay.

This body isn't mine, but I don't feel too disoriented.

Your biosigns are still in a nominal range.

I need to get a sense of your brain function.

When you're talking to me, do you have to speak out loud there as well?

Yes.

It looks like when I speak to you, I also have to speak out loud.

Noted.

I think that might be better for your brain function to have two tasks overlap.

Right now, you're seeing things visually like a human would.

Yes.

Interesting.

You have an underdeveloped ocular center.

I'm surprised you can see color.

That may explain why you're getting a grayscale image on your end.

Yes.

It's fascinating, actually.

This little stunt of yours is telling me a lot about your brain that I didn't previously know.

It's not a stunt, Kazi.

Of course.

That's not what I meant.

Leif, how is the Vistec?

You're all good.

We've got about a dozen nodes to spare right now.

Looks like whatever you're doing isn't tasking it too much.

Okay.

Make sure you're rotating tasks through all the nodes to keep the heat down.

Got it.

This thing is a beast, by the way.

Really nice work.

Thank you.

Just because I keep firing my assistants doesn't mean you get to just walk in.

Office hours are tomorrow.

Yes, I know.

I.

Uh.

Who are you?

Oh,

I'm.

Uh-oh.

Spontaneous alias time.

Drumroll, please.

Alexis Higgins?

Nice.

Bravo, Alexis.

What can I help you with, Ms.

Higgins?

I, um.

You're her new assistant.

I'm your new assistant.

You are?

Yes.

You look a bit young to be an assistant.

Shouldn't you be in school yourself?

Uh, um,

I you graduated early.

I graduated early.

Because of how smart you are.

Because of how smart you are.

Because of how smart I am.

Oh, really?

And all that intelligence of yours landed you an assistant's job.

Smart women should stick together.

Smart women, such as us, should stick together.

Smart women, such as we should stick together.

Not an English major, then.

No.

Physics.

Physics.

I see.

Come in.

I wasn't sent your resume.

What would you like to know?

How many words per minute?

Go with 60.

60.

All right.

Hey, can she hear me if I just talk to her?

Yes.

What does this lady do?

She's an archaeologist.

Bullshit, she is, Libby.

Ask her why she's got a sawed-off shotgun and a holster on her chair.

She does?

Is that a uh

firearm hanging on your chair?

That's correct.

Why does an archaeologist need a gun?

You'll find that I go out in the field more than your average professor.

And the gun is for snakes.

Those are some pretty large snakes.

Some of them are quite large.

Yes.

Excuse me, Dr.

Drake.

Chairman Chapman, how can you distract me today?

Wait a minute.

My office has just received this package addressed to you.

Oh, my God.

Give it here, please.

That's me.

The package has arrived from Ecuador.

Give it here, please.

What is Casper doing in there?

Doctor, I recall us having a lengthy conversation about ceasing this work you're doing in Ecuador.

You're wearing a bow tie.

I can't stop the mail from coming in.

Chairman, meet my new assistant.

Her name is Alexis Higgins.

Ms.

Higgins.

Hello, Miss Higgins.

I'm Chairman David Chapman, a title I seem to have to repeat when I'm in this office.

That package is still not in my hand.

I haven't approved a new assistant for you yet.

I have no control over the mail, nor my assistants, Mr.

Chairman, though, if wishing made it so.

Miss Higgins, will you excuse us, please?

Dr.

Drake and I must have a conversation.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Mr.

Chairman, I need you to give me that package.

It's urgent.

If you ceased your work in Ecuador, why would you be getting urgent packages?

Oh!

Nice!

You!

You just threw a knife at me!

I threw a knife at the wall, Mr.

Chairman.

If I had thrown a knife at you, you'd be running down the hallway right now, screaming, oh my god, there's a knife in me.

Take your blasted package.

Tenure won't protect you from everything, doctor.

Ice cold.

You suck, and you're wearing a bow tie.

What just happened?

They've been looking for a reason to get rid of me for some time now.

I'm doing them a favor.

Give me the package, please.

That's a very large knife.

It's called a bowie knife.

It's very useful.

Oh my god.

Labuza, get closer to that map.

What is that a map of?

Gloria, what does that say?

Real Audiencia de Quito.

Royal Audience of Quito.

Okay, that's what Ecuador was called before it was called Ecuador.

Is that Ecuador?

Very good, Miss Higgins.

There's a letter in here.

Read this to me, please.

It says it's from a Jose Zatino.

Dear Nell, this is either the greatest forgery I've ever seen, or this is it.

I think you were right about the ruined city.

Keep going.

If this map has made its way to you before I have, then I probably didn't make it.

You'll have to find it on your own.

I'm sorry.

Good luck, Doc.

God bless you, Jose.

Who is Jose?

He's a partner of mine, or

according to that note, was a partner of mine.

You think he's dead?

Let's not be pessimists, Ms.

Higgins.

What is the map to?

I often tell my students to never look for treasure maps.

They're a childhood fantasy.

So, what is that?

It's a treasure map.

What is that?

That's the fire alarm.

Just ignore it.

Sit back down, Miss Higgins.

Okay.

Did you just lock the door?

Miss Higgins, why are you lying to me?

What?

You don't have a degree in physics.

I don't?

No.

If you had a degree in physics, you would have been snapped up by the Department of Defense.

They're employing every physicist in the country right now.

A war effort tends to hoover up all the scientists.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

Tell her.

Tell her you didn't finish school.

I dropped out.

Why?

Why?

You decided it wasn't for you.

I decided to try something else out.

It wasn't for me.

I see.

And so you've come here.

What's wrong with here?

Don't answer my questions with questions, Miss Higgins.

Hang on.

Tell her you wanted a life of adventure.

I wanted a life of adventure.

A life of adventure.

And you think you'll find that as my assistant?

I've been here five minutes, and you've already thrown a knife at someone and been delivered a treasure map from a man who may be dead.

What do you think?

Not to answer your question with a question.

Most people who want a life of adventure don't know what that entails.

I think I may surprise you.

The fire alarm that's going off?

It's going to stop any second now because nothing's on fire.

How did you know that?

Because nothing is ever on fire.

We just have drills from time to time.

Safety first, I guess?

The problem with that is we just had a fire drill yesterday.

So why did the fire alarm go off, Ms.

Higgins?

Because someone wants you to vacate the building.

Why?

So they can steal the map.

That's right.

The thing about a life of adventure?

Very hard to stop once you've made the decision.

Last chance to go back to the secretary pool.

What do we do?

I need you to go hide behind that metal cabinet.

Hide behind the cabinet, Labuza.

Okay.

She's loading the gun.

What the hell is going on at this school?

FYI, Labuza.

This is not a standard Harvard experience.

Okay, Labuza, here's the deal.

Zebulon liked to talk about this magazine he loved to read.

It was called Adventure.

Adventure magazine.

It was filled with stories of pirates and treasure hunters and cowboys and all that stuff.

I think that's where you are.

I think that's where they've put themselves.

I guess you're gonna have to go on an adventure.

Don't move until I tell you to.

Madame Blake?

Who was that?

Got a good idea.

Let's go.

We're going out the window.

The window?

You first.

Let's move, Miss Higgins.

Oh, God.

We're heading for the parking lot.

The gunshots are going to bring more of them.

More of whom?

You've got on the wrong shoes for this, Miss Higgins.

I apologize for not dressing for a gunfight.

Try and act casually.

We don't want to attract attention.

You have a gun in your hand.

Running people attract attention.

Walking people are invisible.

Do you know how to drive?

No!

Of course.

Get in the passenger seat.

Shells, gun.

Reload it.

How?

Libby, look for a button by the trigger guard.

There you go.

Press it.

Now we'll crack it open.

Good.

Got the shells.

They're going to be hot.

Ow.

Ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Pop some new shells in and close it up.

Good.

You're ready to go.

Here.

Thank you.

In the mid-16th century, the Spanish were at war with the Incan Empire.

As you can imagine, it wasn't going well for the Incans.

The last man to make a stand against the Spanish was a man named Ruminyawi.

He burned Quito to the ground so the Spanish couldn't claim it.

And as the legend goes, he hid the gold of the Incan Empire somewhere in the jungle.

When the Spanish finally caught him, they tortured him until death.

He never gave up the locations of the gold.

That's what the map leads to?

Well, they're chasing us, aren't they?

Who's chasing us?

Hang on.

Here they come up behind us.

Roll down my window.

Now, dug down.

Oh, God.

All garage, wannabe!

That should be the last of them, but reload anyway.

Where are we going?

I hope your passport's in order, Ms.

Higgins.

We're headed for the jungle.

You were right about needing different shoes.

Ha!

At least.

Everyone aboard the ship, there's plenty of room for all of you.

Find a room and get comfortable.

Once you're all aboard, the ship will orbit until we return.

You're not coming with us?

I'm afraid we can't, Fiona.

We promised we would take these people to a safe place where they could start over, and we've brought them to a place more dangerous than the one they were in before.

In the end,

Malu's death is our fault.

The least we can do is make sure her family is safe.

What can I do?

There are some injured and disabled among the refugees.

Make sure they get into a comfortable bed and then find a place for yourself.

Okay.

I have to get back to Labuza.

What if?

What if we don't come back?

The ship has several automations that Tita has programmed into it.

You won't be able to do anything complicated, but if you don't hear from us in, let's say, three days, you'll need to get as far away from this place as you can.

I suggest you find a place on the outer rim of this galaxy, or if you are feeling adventurous, try and make it to a nearby system.

The nearest galaxy to this one is Amalgamus Pax.

I believe Earthlings call it the Leo triplet.

Then what?

Then I'm afraid it's up to you.

I apologize, Fiona.

You would have been safer had no one taken you from your planet.

Believe it or not, I think I prefer this.

I would as well.

Anybody out there?

Yeah, hey, I'm here.

We're going to start taking turns sitting with you.

The diner is about to take off, and there's a lot going on.

Okay.

You're on a plane now?

I appear to be.

How much time has passed for you?

A few minutes.

For me, too.

We seem to have skipped forward in time.

Right, just like a story would.

This is a terrifying way to travel.

Oh, yeah.

I hate planes.

It feels like the whole thing's about to come apart.

If it's any condolence, that wouldn't be a good ending to the story.

So that's not going to happen.

Okay.

Now, the engine failing, and then the two of you having to put on parachutes, and then jump out, and then make your way through the jungle on foot, that could totally happen.

That's a great story.

Great.

Adventure Magazine.

Adventure Magazine.

I know it all feels pretty ridiculous, but that's not how we'd like to do things around here.

It makes sense.

You earthlings love your stories.

How were you able to do this again?

I could hear a peculiar frequency in the radio.

It was dense, like it was multilayered.

I thought if I could repurpose the Vistec to process the signal and then reconnect with it, I could get access access to the Mucklewains.

I wasn't expecting this.

I hope it works.

If it helps, there's a lot more to worry about right now, so don't put pressure on yourself.

Is everyone freaking out?

Uh, maybe a little.

The refugees are all aboard your ship now.

I can't believe I dragged all of you into this, too.

Would you stop it with that?

You didn't make the diner show up, it just shows up.

I know.

Give me something to do.

What do you mean?

I feel like I'm just a passenger.

Whatever the Mucklewains are going through, how can I help them?

Keep a lookout for messages.

What kind of messages?

One time when they were in a state like this, they seemed to be sending us coded messages.

Have you noticed anything so far?

Well, Effie appears to be carrying around a bowie knife.

And

another name for a bowie knife is an Arkansas toothpick.

I see.

So that could mean jack shit, or it could mean that Effie is saying to us, Hey there, I'm right here.

There's no way to know yet.

I'll keep a lookout.

Bad news, Ms.

Higgins.

The engine is failing on the plane, and we won't be able to make it to Bogota.

Put on that parachute.

We're gonna have to ditch this plane.

God damn it, Casper.

Sorry.

Hey,

it's me.

Uh this is

this is uh

stupid message to send

I am currently in Cryptesia, believe it or not.

Uh and even though this message travels at the speed of light, it will take I'm guessing 2.4 million years to reach the nearest comms node.

So what am I doing?

I'm sending this because it may be the last time I send a message to someone.

I'm in a pretty sticky wicket right now.

I've been wondering lately when my luck was going to run out, and I may have come right up to the edge of it.

I needed to send a message to somebody.

So I'm sending it to you, Berts.

If somehow you do hear it, it may be kind of a burden to hear.

Sorry about that.

A couple of things.

You should stop investigating Bilius.

If you don't, the Teds are going to make you their prisoner.

I know you think you can get out of it, but how about you just don't, okay?

Just

don't.

There may be one less leaf out there to pull you out of a jam, so

could you do me a favor and just skip it?

Oh, hey, also.

I went about 150 years out from your current situation, and you were the chairman of the new coalition.

You beat the Teds in a war.

Also, you made a home on Sigius for the last Earthlings left in the galaxy.

I mean, that was in another universe, but still,

it was you.

And it was really cool.

I never did anything that cool.

I have a sneaking suspicion that you and Verge have stayed in touch.

I'm sure my name's never come up.

If you see them,

can you tell them I'm sorry?

Also, if you still got that Julia Roberts costume, could you check in on my mom sometime?

I'd appreciate it.

I don't know how I'm getting out of this one, Berts.

Having someone to send this message to has made that a little easier.

Goodbye.

What's that about?

David, um,

just

unfinished business.

Never seems to be finished.

You think it's good for morale for you to be sending out your last will and testament to whoever that was?

Come here.

Here, take these.

What is this?

Slug fabricator for your gun.

Also, this is a plasma exciter.

Use this about once a day, depending on how often you use the gun.

Also, if you're using it a lot, please ask yourself what you're doing with your life.

I don't need...

any of this.

Get on the ship, David.

No.

David.

You're going to throw me over your shoulder and make me me get on the ship?

David,

I don't know what's wrong with Casper right now.

He should be telling you all of this.

But, since he's not, I guess it's my job.

Get on the ship.

No.

You don't have anything to gain by being here.

There's nothing to prove.

It's not going to be a fun adventure.

Okay, why am I still waiting around for one of y'all to treat me like I'm not 12?

I remember this part, okay?

You treat everything like a game because, hey, you're not on Earth anymore.

It's a dream come true.

Nothing can go wrong now.

All the bad shit happens on Earth.

It's just fun and games out here, right?

That's not how I feel.

Look, there was this period of time after Pirate Lafe and before Diner Lafe, there was this...

Scared out of his fucking mind, Laf.

I was on the run constantly.

Always looking over my shoulder, riding the fringes.

I had a hideout on an ice giant in the worst fucking system in the triad.

Every weird noise was someone coming to get me.

I was literally an insane person.

It was a lot of dread and a lot of doom.

I haven't felt that way in a really long time.

I feel that way right now.

Get on the ship, David.

No.

Fuck.

Laif, I was a teenage runaway.

You think I don't know these feelings you're talking about?

I think you're just a wee bit higher, David.

Leif,

do you want to know why you felt all that dread and doom back then?

Because you are alone.

If my choices are safe and alone or in danger with other people, I think I know which one I'm going to pick.

I'm not getting on the ship.

You remind me of him.

Gross.

No, I don't.

No, No, you do.

I know it doesn't make sense, but

I guarantee you that when you ran away,

he wasn't worried about serial killers or drugs or anything.

He was just worried about you being alone.

And here you are

saying this to me.

You remind me of him.

Okay.

Cooler, though.

Absolutely.

Thank you.

Leaf.

Two-minute science meeting.

Come down here.

Can I come?

You are pretty stupid, David, but sure.

Okay, go.

What is up with these guys' weapons?

What do you mean?

They randomize someone's place in space, time, and dimension.

Yeah.

Which is essentially killing them.

There's a non-zero chance of someone surviving, but yeah.

Why?

Why what?

Why not just use a laser gun or whatever?

I don't know.

They're pretty effective weapons.

Actually, Actually,

are they?

Okay.

Uh

well

they take a long time to charge.

Right.

And they leave the user vulnerable while they do.

Right.

Why all the space-time dimension business?

You don't actually need it.

Tita.

What?

Two-minute science meeting.

Two-minute what?

Come here.

What is it?

What is a really big gun?

What do you mean?

Something really big and lunky.

Um, a Kimber derp is pretty big.

What's that like?

It's for shooting down aircraft.

You take one shot and you have to change out the whole battery.

Oh, I made me one.

Okay.

And then what's something small?

Something small.

The snarky bark double zero.

Yep, short range.

You can hide it in your pocket.

If you are trying to shoot people, would you use a Kimber derp?

No.

Why?

Because that's not what it's built for.

See what I'm saying?

Their weapons weren't meant to be used against us.

I don't think so.

Well, then, what the fuck are they meant for?

I don't know.

Guys, we don't have time to take a break right now.

We're having a two-minute science meeting.

Anything useful?

Yeah, but I don't know what to make of it just yet.

Okay, on that note, I have a thing.

Watch this.

I'm going to count to 20.

Why?

One, two,

three,

four.

What's happening right now?

No idea.

Are we supposed to count?

Back to the weapon thing.

If their weapons weren't meant for us, what's the ideal target for a weapon that randomizes your position in space-time?

I don't know.

1920.

Hey, right?

There's no time dilation in the deep freeze.

There was time dilation in the deep freeze?

Used to be.

Time used to move faster in there.

It doesn't anymore.

Huh.

I didn't even notice.

Neither did I.

We were too busy.

What's going on?

Now that you mentioned that, has anyone noticed that the diner sounds different when it travels?

No.

Ooh, I have.

It's subtle, but I'm hearing it more and more.

There's like a

noise and a whispery thing going on.

I think I hear music sometimes.

Huh.

Okay, two-minute science meeting over.

I need you to put a pin in all of this.

Ava, David, you're with me.

Okay.

Casper.

What's up?

I need you to come with me.

Ava, I need you to stay with Labuza.

Okay.

Hi, Labuza.

Where are you right now?

Walking through the jungle.

Ooh.

Sounds like Bug City.

Watch out for centipedes.

What's a centipede?

The thing that's probably in your boot right now.

Great.

Speaking of my location,

where am I right now?

What do you mean?

This connection with the Vistec has completely taken over my senses.

I can't feel where my actual body is.

Ah, you are lying on the table of my booth.

That's a weird place to put me.

No, no, that's where all the good mojo is.

You are lying on my table, and Mr.

Monolith is right here next to you.

Say hello, Vistag.

So I'm supposed to be looking for clues.

Yes.

Casper wants me to tell you that Effie's knife that she's carrying is called an Arkansas toothpick.

Is that a clue?

Oh, that's amateur hour, if you ask me.

We need numbers.

Get her to recite some numbers for you.

We need to give her a chance to give you a numeric code.

Okay, can I get out of the jungle first?

Okay, I need to talk to both of you.

Why?

The diner's going to leave in a few minutes.

We don't have a lot of time.

A lot of time for what?

You and your dad were about to get into an argument.

We were?

Yes, because the safest place for you to be right now is on board that ship.

But you're not going to get on it, are you?

No.

And this is what you were going to argue about.

Gloria, I wasn't.

Well, we can skip it because I'm staying with the diner.

And your dad would, of course, say, you're heading into certain doom.

Don't be ridiculous.

Get on that ship.

I'm not trying to do that.

I would, of course, say no again.

And the two of you would go round and round like that for however long.

Well, that's true.

Gloria, listen.

The thing is, David, he's not arguing with you at all right now.

Look at him.

This is the quietest I've ever seen him.

It's been a long few weeks, David, and it's been treacherous.

And he's hardly freaked out at you at all.

I'm kind of impressed, actually.

So this is me cutting to the chase.

David, you're not getting on the ship.

Fine.

Can you please acknowledge how hard Casper is working to be literally the exact opposite of himself right now?

Okay, we're leaving in a few minutes.

Thanks.

I honestly don't know if it's any safer on the ship.

Welcome to Midnight Burger.

Here you are, Ms.

Higgins.

What is that?

It's whiskey.

Could I just get a glass of water?

I'd advise against drinking water here.

Then why did we even stop here?

To make the next leg of our journey, we're going to need a riverboat.

And due to the fact that we are currently being chased, I can't go through the usual channels.

I've heard there's a man here with a boat, so we've stopped here.

And now that you've taken me deep into the jungle, are you going to tell me who's trying to kill us?

The Society of Bethanies.

The what?

The Society of Elizabeth Inise Duchamp.

Elizabeth, shortened to Beth, Beth Anise, Bethany's.

do you follow me?

What do they want?

The short answer is gold.

The long answer is, a series of easily manipulatable autocrats in strategic nations around the world.

Elizabeth Aynaise Duchamp is one of the wealthiest women in Europe and she is the leader of a secret society that attempts to manipulate global events.

If they're so rich, why do they need the gold?

Money can be traced.

Gold cannot.

Their current project is a particular madman who happens to have an army marching across Europe right now.

Let's not mention his name.

An army runs on money.

They want to make sure he doesn't run out of it.

Seems like a rather complicated plan just to get their hands on some gold.

If the legends are true, it's a sizable amount of gold, Ms.

Higgins.

Enough to transform a nation.

Come on, Effie, give me something.

Make her give you something quantifiable.

Maybe the location of the gold?

Maybe we should have a look at the map and commit the location to memory.

In case we lose the map or it's taken from us, that's not bad.

Get the map out.

I'll get us another round.

I didn't drink my first one.

Nice.

Okay, Labuza, hang tight.

We need to have a pretty important meeting in the real world.

I'll be right back.

Okay, everyone, we're on our way.

I have no idea what we're headed toward right now.

These mystery men have been trying to kill us for weeks now.

And right when they could have, they didn't.

And now we're headed to their home world.

I don't know what that means.

Let's take some comfort in the fact that we got almost all of the refugees to safety.

And with a little luck, maybe they'll manage to get out of this goddamn system and find the home they were looking for.

We have 12 hours to prepare, but

but prepare for what

we have no idea what awaits us the next time we touch down.

If we could get some sense of the benefactor's plan, that would be something, but right now we're flying blind.

I hate it, but there's not much we can do about it.

Is anyone there?

Yeah, Labuza, is everything okay?

I think you may want to watch the screen.

Something interesting is about to happen.

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This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

When life gets complicated, who do you turn to?

Your group chat?

Random internet strangers?

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That's better H-E-L-P.com/slash burger.

The location we're looking for is right here.

Now, as you can see, this map has no reference points except for this city right here.

This is an ancient Incan city.

The first explorers from Spain discovered this city.

They said it was a thriving city full of commerce and trade.

It was the hub of the entire region.

The problem with this discovery is that when the Spanish finally managed to get back here 100 years later, the city was gone.

It disappeared?

It did not.

Everyone assumed that the early explorers had been mistaken somehow and that the city didn't really exist.

The problem with explorers is that they aren't archaeologists.

These were explorers on a new continent.

What did these explorers bring with them?

Uh

supplies?

Diseases?

That's right.

The explorers didn't come to conquer yet.

That would come later.

But even though they didn't come to conquer, they brought with them the most effective weapon in their arsenal.

Diseases that the Incans had no defense against.

The explorers show up with diseases, then they leave.

Then a hundred years goes by.

What happens in that 100 years, Ms.

Higgins?

They all die.

That's correct.

Over a hundred years, the population is decimated by disease, and the jungle takes back the city.

It effectively vanishes.

But you know where the city is.

In fact, I do.

Ask her for the coordinates.

What are the coordinates?

It's here.

2.35711 south, 1.31719 west.

The locals call it Suplan Okulto.

Wait,

Labuza, get her to repeat that.

Did you say that again?

Suplan Okulto.

What is it?

That's not the name of a place.

That means his hidden plan.

His hidden plan.

What are they saying to us?

Oh, shit.

Who do we know that has a plan?

Oh, shit.

The benefactor.

Oh, shit.

Leif, what?

It's a hackback.

What is that?

When you try to hack someone's system, you also make yourself vulnerable because your system is connected to theirs now, right?

The Mystery Men showed up with some kind of device that shut down the Muckle Wayne's.

But now, look, Effie's on a mission to a place in the jungle called his hidden plan.

This whole adventure isn't them trying to protect themselves.

They're trying to hack into his systems.

They know how to do that?

The Muckawains don't know how to do anything.

Everything they do is expressed symbolically.

So while we're seeing some treasure hunting adventure, what's really happening is a hack into the benefactor's systems.

Labooza, I'm almost positive that if you can get to that spot in the jungle, we can somehow know the benefactor's plan for us.

That would be amazing.

Well, this little adventure just became a lot more important, didn't it?

Labuza, you've got to get to that spot in the jungle.

the hell are you doing at my bar?

I thought I smelled books.

Oh my god.

Gloria, is that you?

No way.

Boom boom, long time no see.

I thought you retired from the treasure hunting business.

Do you have a wooden leg?

Miss Higgins, this is Boom Boom, an old colleague of mine.

We were

in the foreign Service together.

That's one way of putting in.

That's how I got this.

Wooden leg confirms.

Suriname, 1922.

Never get into a fight with the man who keeps alligators.

Your leg was eaten.

That's right.

I don't like to hurt animals, but god damn it if I didn't make that little fucker into a pair of boots with the matching valise.

We did eat well that night.

I'm sorry about your leg.

Boom boom.

Don't you worry about a thing.

My leg may be made of wood, but the rest of my body is cast iron.

See there?

Go ahead.

Touch it.

That's my bicep.

See what I mean?

Like I've got a coconut up my sleeve.

Won an arm wrestling competition at Guadalajara.

Mel.

It's good to see you again, partner.

Though I reckon if I'm seeing you again, you don't have time to chat.

BB,

I hear there's a riverboat captain who likes to make himself known around your place.

I need to go with someone I haven't worked with before, so I'm just a bit wary.

I've got one for sure, but I don't know that he's the type you want to be associated with.

Well, we're pressed for time, so I'm afraid I can't be particular.

If you say so, Booksha.

Where can I find him?

I'll fetch him for you.

Stay right here.

Looping!

Give me that bucket of water!

Okay, everybody, start calling me Boom Boom.

Strangely, the wooden leg works for you.

Right?

Anybody wondering where Zebulon is?

Suggie!

Hey!

Morning has broken!

Rise and shine, Suggie!

There he is!

Oh my god.

Boom Boom, I'd like to take this time to remind you that there are many ways to wake a man up in the morning.

Maybe, but there's only one way to wake him up in the afternoon which it is how am i supposed to know that my watch has been broken since an unfortunate incident in paraguay you got a customer saggy i'm making you coffee much obliged and if you wouldn't mind just a bit of rum in it and also hold the coffee you've got to be kidding me morning ladies

afternoon At as well.

How can I be of assistance?

You can't.

You're in need of a river boat.

You're in need of a shower.

On the contrary, I bathed mere moments ago in a delightful spray of mop water.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Aloysius J.

McGillicaddy.

Most folks call me soggy.

Are you called soggy because your boat is always sinking?

Again, on the contrary, I am called soggy because I am quite often woken up by a bucket of water.

But now that you mention it, my boat has sank many times.

Do either of you have a light?

Your cigarette is soaking wet.

Ah, so it is.

Let's wait for that to dry, shall we?

Boom, boom.

Are you serious?

Hey,

I've got what I've got.

Is there a problem?

Mr.

McGillicuddy, you have, in the span of about 20 seconds, informed me that you are a drunk whose boat is always sinking.

Why in the world would I entrust you with my safety?

Well,

life

is interesting here on these rivers.

I found that people tend to engage me in

various business arrangements due to the fact that I have the only boat for hire for about 300 miles in either direction.

So, people are free to shop around, but there's only one thing for sale on the shelf, isn't there?

That's economics, is what that is, young lady.

I'd rather swim.

The piranha would prefer that as well.

We'll decline your services at this time, Mr.

McGillichetty.

Now, ladies, please understand, I realize my appearance may be a bit shoddy, but it's not as though we've sat down at the Ritz together, have we?

I'm sure you wish me to be a more sober man, but as Yates once said, the worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk, they are sober.

You've read Yates?

Did a stint in a Bolivian prison.

I was allowed one book.

And you picked Yates?

I was not allowed to choose which book.

Thank you for your time, Mr.

McGillicuddy.

Very well.

As it happens, I have an empty diary for today, so when you change your mind, I'll be right over there.

Good to know.

Okay, Labuza, this is going to be a challenge, but you've got to convince Effie to hire him, okay?

It sounds like we may have to hire him.

What else are we going to do?

I haven't figured that out yet, but I do know that getting on that man's boat is a death sentence.

More of a death sentence than being caught by the

who were they again?

The Society of bethanese i'd rather take my chances with them than with whatever that man's excuse for a boat is

who is this now oh come on fucking nazis seriously

so sorry to disturb gentlemen please continue with your debauchery oh my god what what no

are you fucking kidding me my My name is Commandant Blunt of the Third Reich.

I wish to know the whereabouts of one

Dr.

Eleanor Drake,

known to her friends as Nell.

Or the more familiar Buckshot.

Oh my God.

I can't fucking believe this.

We're Nazi game.

Frau Drake, I presume.

Can I help you?

This is the most Hogan's heroes-ass shit I've ever seen in my life.

May I sit?

I'd rather you not.

It is a pleasure to meet you, Frau Doctor.

I have heard many tales of your adventures around the globe.

People tend to exaggerate.

As a doctor, und woman of logic,

I would hope that on this day,

logic would prevail.

Hard to hear about logic from a man wearing black leather in the jungle.

I'm sure you understand that the third right has many associates throughout the globe just as you may

and when those associates find themselves in a particular predicament we wish to assist them in their endeavors

you

are in possession of a map a map which is the rightful property of our associate.

We only ask that you return this map, and our business here can be complete.

For a nation in such a hurry to conquer the world, you'd think you'd be better at cutting to the chase.

And perhaps you should not waste my time.

Miss Higgins.

Oh my god, Labuza.

I realize that life dressed like a Nazi is the funniest thing that has ever happened in history, but you really can't laugh right now?

Forgive me.

I do not understand what is funny.

I wouldn't expect a German to understand what's funny.

Oh,

I see.

Yes, you Americans always walking around saying, ha ha, look at me.

I am so humorous.

We shall see who is laughing when our tanks parade sugar.

Betsy Laif is mad.

Shut up.

It sounds as though someone did not have his muesli this morning.

Cease your laughter.

You realize I am only having this conversation because I am attempting to make civil.

Really?

Well, I'm only having this conversation so that Boom Boom has time to load her.50 caliber.

Pardon?

Let's make some sauerkraut

Out the back Miss Higgins.

I've got a crate full of bullets and a hankering for big Netsy.

Oh my

We need to get away from the river.

We'll have to go into the jungle.

And what do we do?

Lovely day for a sojourn on the river, ladies.

Get on the boat.

I think we need to get on the boat.

It's safer back in the bar.

Dr.

Drake, I need to get you to that hidden city, and I need it to be with him.

Please,

damn it all.

Let's go!

All aboard.

You were supposed to be on the ship.

I know.

I've been hiding by the dumpster.

You've fought in a bunch of wars.

Some of them were wars.

I mean, some of them were just disagreements.

How do you know when to fight?

What do you mean?

Well, it's called a fight-or-flight response.

How do you know when it's fight or flight?

I don't really do the flight part.

Didn't the three of you escape some other place, though?

You were in some other galaxy and then you came here?

You're confusing running away with a tactical retreat.

I couldn't get on the ship.

I had to know who did this to me.

I had to know why.

That desire may get you killed.

I know.

Anyway, that's what I'm doing here.

Not that you asked.

You're right.

I didn't ask, but I get it.

I'd rather live ten seconds looking my fear right in the eye than spend a lifetime running from it.

It's brave.

Right now, it just feels stupid.

I mean, stupid too, but

brave and stupid are often a matching set.

Tita, we need to speak.

Sure.

We have a stowaway.

We do?

Fiona.

Hi.

What's this about, Fiona?

She has decided to face her fears.

I see.

You should have consulted with me about this, Fiona.

I think sometimes you have to do something ill-advised.

What good would advice do?

Very well.

You're in it now.

Okay.

Do I get a tattoo or something?

You don't.

Tita, I need to speak with you.

Yeah.

I need you to think back over the past few weeks.

So many fond memories.

In all of your skirmishes with our assailants, do you recall a time in which one of them was pointing their weapon at you, trying to kill you specifically?

They took a lot of shots at us.

At you, specifically.

Honestly, I wasn't paying that much attention to what they wanted.

Why?

We haven't had time to speak.

During one of the away missions, one of them declined to kill me.

As if they were being ordered not to.

Ordered by who?

I'm unsure.

Could be they have different plans for us than they do the Earthlings?

What would be the tactical advantage of not killing us?

We're more dangerous than the earthlings.

Remember when Ava first busted us out of prison?

Remember what those two guards said?

What they called us?

The descendants.

I don't like this at all.

We need to refrain from making any assumptions until we have more evidence.

In a few hours, we're going to get a shit ton of evidence.

The more information we can have before we land on their home world, the better.

Labuza may be onto something downstairs.

Do you have anything else?

I was talking to Leaf and Ava earlier.

They had a theory, and I think I have to agree.

What is it?

Their weapons suck.

Their weapons are incredibly powerful.

Not in one-to-one combat.

If it's an overwhelming force, sure, they're powerful, but they're slow to fire and they're vulnerable when they are firing.

The kind of technology these guys have, they could make something way more effective than what they're using.

And how do you account for that?

Only theory I have.

Their weapons are built for a different kind of target.

What kind of target?

I've been thinking about that all day.

The only reason I would make a weapon like that-a weapon that doesn't kill you but instead flings you across the multiverse-I'd only use that on something I didn't know how to kill.

They're scared of something.

Something that isn't us.

Well, what the hell is it?

I don't know.

I'd love to not find out.

Well,

that's not the most helpful information, but any information will do.

Hazy?

Yes, Fiona.

You said you needed information.

Is there any way that some information might be

inside me?

I was already able to get some information from you, Fiona.

I was just thinking, you said I was born in some sort of birthing chamber and then had memories implanted in me.

Even though I was young, do you think maybe there are some memories in there?

Somewhere?

The human brain can't create long-term memories until roughly its third year.

Which means for memories to be implanted in you,

you would need a brain capable of retaining long-term memories.

so.

I suppose it's possible that you may have very faint memories of that process taking place.

Well...

Wanna come and get them?

I don't know if that's wise, Fiona.

You already put nanobites in my bloodstream.

Couldn't you just use those?

I would need to add more, and it would be very invasive.

That's okay.

It's not okay, Fiona.

It would be very dangerous.

Kazi,

if I'm being honest, I'd like to rip every single thing out of my body right now and completely start over anyway.

So

go nuts.

All right.

Let's begin.

Very good.

Very good.

Keep your hands on the wheel, or at least within a grabbing distance of the wheel, and you'll be doing just fine.

But I don't know where I'm going.

Don't worry.

The key to navigating a river is the following:

if you see a tree ahead,

turn.

Which way?

Toward the way without the trees.

Alright.

Call out if you hit anything.

My cigarettes have thoroughly dried out.

Can I offer you one?

Please.

Rum?

As well.

Thank you.

I'm realizing now

that I've heard of you.

You sobered up then?

Not at all, no.

Buckshot

Drake.

I spent five years telling people not to call me that, and eventually I had to surrender.

That sort of thing tends to happen when you carry a shotgun around.

Well, I'm not going to carry a ukulele around.

Yes.

Honolulu Drake does not command the same type of attention.

It does not.

So

what's all the hubbub then, Doctor?

I've known you only a few hours and you've already ruined my favorite bar.

I'm on an expedition.

Oh, really?

This isn't how you vacation?

I'm an archaeologist.

I see.

Well, let me put a few things together here.

An archaeologist being chased by Nazis and the like,

heading downriver to an undisclosed location.

One can only assume there's a sizable pot of gold at the end of that rainbow.

Do you have any idea how many folks like you have come down here looking for that lost Incan treasure?

Well,

I hear gold is popular.

More so than staying alive, it would seem.

Mr.

McGillicuddy, are you concerned for my safety?

We've been through so much together.

I'd hate to lose you now.

It's a rather dangerous road to travel, is all I'm saying.

Good for me I'm traveling by boat, Ben.

I've carried my share of treasure hunters up and down this river.

May I ask you the question that always seems to flummox them?

Oh,

please do.

Then what?

Then what?

Once they're sauced enough, they tell me their plan and how long it's taken them to put it together.

They have it on good authority that the gold is here.

They have a map leading to the gold there, etc.

And after I hear them tell their little tale, that's when I lay it on them.

Then what?

It's at that moment they realize that they've been so focused on finding the treasure of a lifetime, they have no idea what they're going to do once they have it.

They think for a long while and then finally come up

something completely embarrassing, like

buy a house.

Why does money always fall into the hands of those incapable of doing anything interesting with it?

And what would you do?

Money corrupts the soul, Doctor.

That's why I've seen fit to never have any.

Though, if you do hit the jackpot, I wouldn't mind a new boat.

I'll consider it.

But in truth,

what will you do with it all?

Nothing special.

Perhaps I'll have you take me up and down these rivers, and I'll go village by village, handing it out one piece at a time.

Oh.

Going for folk hero status, then.

Pico Spill, John Henry, and now Buckshot Drake.

Why not?

Well, as folk heroes go,

you're not so bad.

Hey, Labooza.

Hi, David.

Quick question.

Is, um,

is there a vibe?

I'm sorry.

Thank you for saying something.

They're flirting with each other.

They are?

They are?

Oh, yes.

I'm with David.

What's the status of your hull?

Are we going to be a breakfast buffet for the Caymans by the morning?

Our current waterline seems to be holding.

I think we'll have a safe night's sleep.

Go in, Zebulon.

This feels like a private moment, but I can't look away.

If you like,

you can come down and inspect the hull yourself.

Might help you sleep soundly tonight to see it for yourself.

Pour me another drink, Mr.

McGillicotti.

Yes, ma'am.

And cue the saxophone.

Lead the way.

Bring the bottle.

I always do.

Oh my god.

So much game.

This, of course, raises the question: are all their personas fucking?

Oh, sure.

Frank and Dr.

Barbara?

Absolutely.

100%.

I thought we all knew that.

I'll need you to keep your eyes closed through this entire process, Fiona.

Okay.

I'm going to try and access early visual memory so the less stimulus to your optic centers, the better.

Okay.

I'm going to inject more nanites now.

Okay, can I just say, I know I was acting very brave earlier, but I did think I would be unconscious for this.

Ow!

Ow, wow, wow.

Okay.

I apologize.

During certain procedures on the brain, the subject needs to stay awake so that I can monitor monitor their speech.

You'll be fine, Fiona.

She had to do the same thing to me a couple of times.

I don't know what it is about shrapnel, it just loves to get lodged in my brain.

That didn't kill you?

A Laharian only dies when they are sick of living.

Especially this one.

Why, especially Tita?

I'm sorry, should I not be talking right now?

No, the talking helps.

I need to look out for slurred speech and jumbled words.

Okay.

What's so special about Tita?

Tita, Labuza, and myself are all the children of a very mysterious man who conquered a large part of the Andromeda galaxy a very long time ago.

He had lots and lots of children whom he left with several genetic advantages.

We're the last three.

What happened to the others?

Killed mostly.

Some disappeared, but we think they're dead too.

We became an inconvenient presence for the powers that be.

But I was used to being an inconvenient presence, so I knew how to survive.

Labuza survived because she could always anticipate their moves.

And Tita lived for obvious reasons.

My charm.

She's talking about my charm.

What happened to your father?

Toward the end, he could see that he couldn't win against a changing galaxy.

So he climbed into a ship and he flew it into a star.

Wow.

Was he a

good dad?

None of us knew him.

He had always moved on by the time we were grown.

But how many cats were in the newspaper?

Say that again, Fiona.

But

how many cats were in the newspaper?

Okay.

I think we've reached your speech center, Fiona.

Can you say your name for me?

Paul Giamatti.

Excellent.

We can begin.

There's

only like 12 fries in a happy meal.

Fiona, for the next few minutes, we're not going to be able to understand you, but you'll understand us.

All right?

Like a

parliamentary system?

This is funny.

You should do this at parties.

I'm going to attempt to mine early visual memories.

The nanites are connected to me, so I should be able to see the memories myself.

I don't travel a lot, but when when I do, I think about Shakira.

Tita, try to keep her talking while I'm doing this.

No problem.

Hey, Fiona, what's your favorite color?

11.

And what's your favorite number?

Twinkies.

Ah, and what's your favorite snack?

The

Bronze Age.

What's six plus five?

Phili la Buffon de Fue a la farmacia.

Oh.

The pogo stick was invented in 1919 by German inventor Max Pollig and German engineer Ernst Goettl, who combined their names pogo for the device.

However, modern spring-based pogo sticks were developed and popularized in America by George Hansberg in the 1920s.

According to legend, Hansberg was inspired by seeing children in Burma using stilts with rubber springs.

Yeah, uh, that is a good one.

I've got it.

There you are, Fiona.

Just a child in a lab.

It looks like they had to keep you conscious the same way I am now.

You look no older than

three years of age.

She remembers that far back?

Luckily for us, it was a traumatic memory.

The human brain may suppress traumatic memories, but it never

ever lets go of them.

She's surrounded by technicians.

They're human as well.

I don't recognize the technology they're using.

They're...

there's some sort of symbol on the wall.

If the technicians would just move.

All right, I see it.

What is it?

Kazi?

I see.

Fiona, time is of the essence.

I'm going to have to pull you out of this very quickly.

Late night with Conan O'Brien.

Kazi?

What did you see?

I need to speak with Labusa.

Morning, Miss Higgins.

Morning.

Sleep well?

Yes.

Um.

Did you sleep in his quarters last night?

I did.

I thought you said he disgusted you.

Oh, he does.

But

he was there.

I was there.

We were on the river.

Seemed only natural.

Don't be a prude, Ms.

Higgins.

It's only the disgusting ones who have learned a thing or two.

Vindication at last.

I'm no expert, Doctor, but that does not look like an ancient city to me.

It just looks like the jungle.

It's there, trust me.

The jungle can claim a corpse in two weeks, a vehicle in a month.

This jungle has had hundreds of years to make this city disappear.

As the legend goes, there's a hidden vault beneath the city.

Shouldn't be far from here.

I've shut off the motor, haven't I?

Yes.

Then what is that sound?

Good morning, gentlemen.

I realize there's precious few places to dock on this river, but that's no need for gunplay.

Who are they?

The same people who have been chasing us this whole time.

The Society of Bethanies.

Bonjor vu, Madame Drake.

Oh, hell yeah.

Jesus Christ, Ava.

She's got a writing crop, of course.

Elizabeth Anaise Duchamp, lovely to finally meet you.

Oh, dear baby Jesus, thank you so much for making me the evil French lady.

What a time it has been to chase you across the globe, Madame Drake.

But the time has come to surrender.

Do we run?

I count one, two, three, four, five long guns, Ms.

Higgins.

We wouldn't make it ten yards.

Please allow me to express me remersement.

This petite aventure has been in truth l'emousion d'un vie.

Lady, what the hell are you saying?

Who cares?

It sounds fabulous.

You know, Miss Duchamp, you've made a big mistake backing the Third Reich.

When you get in bed with fascists, you're just a frog who thinks they're a scorpion.

What?

Uh,

what is this?

Can you say

scorpion?

Le Grenouit?

No map there.

Madame,

you will give the map to my men, or

we will be given La Tash Malarus of killing you and leaving your body in the river.

La jou etomenet, mademoiselle.

The time has come to surrender to me.

I'm not giving you the map.

Then you shall die.

Let's hold the phone here, ladies.

Things are running awful hot here on the river.

Now, I realize you are both very passionate about finding this little pile of treasure off in the jungle, but I found that the true treasure is a life well-lived and a long one at that.

So, allow me to be the adult in the room.

The map is right here in the bag.

Allow me to fetch it for you.

Mr.

McGillicuddy, if you reach into that paragraph.

Do we we have a deal, Doc?

What?

I mentioned before.

Do you find your gold?

Do you buy me a boat?

Certainly.

Good.

I'll be needing one.

Oh, shit.

That's not a map.

Here we have it.

Mon Dieu.

One treasure map.

Oh, monsieur, that is a steak of TNT.

Is it?

My goodness.

You know, I'm not good until I've had my morning rum.

What an embarrassing mistake.

I'll just set this down by these gas cans.

No, monsieur!

Glorioski.

Into the drink, ladies.

Jump, Miss Higgins.

Oh, God.

Oh, sacrete bleu.

I'm thinking when you buy me a new boat, I'll go a step up.

Really treat myself.

Maybe a cruiser this time.

Up my prices, make a killing.

Then again,

who needs the extra hullabaloo that comes along with success?

How much deeper do we need to go?

We found it.

What is all this?

I'm afraid it's a puzzle.

There must be a hundred symbols on this wall.

What's it all mean?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Seems a lot of trouble for nothing.

Together they mean nothing.

Every symbol appears to be a panel that we depress.

We need to choose the right symbol.

And if we don't?

I'm not completely sure, but it

will be something along the lines of poison darts, trapdoors, maybe a den of poisonous snakes dropping down on our heads.

Well, that's hardly a friendly doorbell.

I'm getting the sense that the owner of this vault doesn't want us here at all.

That's a shrewd assessment, Soggy.

Hear that?

She called me Soggy.

I believe we'll be married in spring.

I'm so happy for

None of these symbols make any sense.

I've never seen any of them before.

Damn it.

Labuza, can you hear me?

Yes, what is it?

What are you looking at right now?

It's a wall of symbols.

We need to press the right one to get access to the vault.

I see.

Labuza, I need you to look for the mark of the visitor.

Why?

Please just do it, Labuza.

All right.

Kazi, what's the mark of the visitor?

Wait.

It's...

it's here.

Can you see it?

I see it.

Kazi, what's going on?

Press it, Labuza.

Are you sure?

Sadly, I am.

Okay.

Kazi, what the hell is the mark of the visitor?

It's the sigil of our father.

She's done

Nice work, Miss Higgins.

Here it comes.

Hello.

Hello there, darling.

Effie.

Labooza, you look exhausted.

Yes.

I'm not sure how much longer I can stay here.

It's not a place for the timid, dear.

Effie, what happened?

We got what we came for.

You know his plan?

I'm afraid we do, yes.

It's not good news.

It is not, dear.

After all that.

Yes, it's not what we hoped for, but we're now armed with knowledge, which is a better weapon than none at all.

What happens now?

Now, you are going to ski-daddle back to the diner and move yourselves in that contraption of yours.

There's much to discuss, but before all that, Zebulon and I are going to have a moment.

You tell Gloria and the rest that we'll be right

Are we going to be okay?

I believe we will.

So let's start with that.

All right.

You have a lovely home.

It'll do.

It was very brave of you to come along on this whole fantasy of ours, dear.

You're quite intrepid for one so young.

I'm very old, Effie.

Only on the outside, dear.

Now you go on.

Here we are, dear.

Thank you, husband.

Quite a storm we're headed into, dear.

Indeed.

Then

what is that smile about?

Oh,

you know how it is.

In the storm, in the calm,

with you there

it's always an adventure.

'Tis that.

Casting yourself as a drunken river rat.

I'd never Not to point fingers, dear, but there you were in the bowels of my ship.

Out of wedlock?

I heard no complaints from you.

No, those were not complaints you heard.

Bit of music, please.

Last night I lay a leaping of the

ball.

Well

all of that sucks.

It is not a bouquet of flowers, Life, that much is certain.

At least we know something now.

What does that get us?

Seriously, before the Muckle Wayne's adventure, we were heading into a know-win situation.

Now we're heading into a no-win situation.

There's really nothing we can do?

Hope springs eternal, Fiona.

Oh, goddammit, Zebulon.

I still can't believe this is happening.

Believe it.

It's happening.

There are still several unknowns.

Personally, I'm looking forward to some clarity.

Well, if Kazi's looking forward to it, then I fucking quit.

You can't quit now, Shmoopy.

Nobody else will hire you.

I'm sure there's a dimension-hopping unemployment office out there somewhere.

Maybe we all should have ditched.

Sent an empty diner to the heart of darkness.

Mallow's family is there.

We can't leave them.

God damn, this guy absolutely fucked us.

It's like he knows the diner better than we do.

I feel like I'm back in the triad, completely trapped.

It's ridiculous.

This place should feel like the freest place in the universe.

And look at us.

We're a flying jail right now.

Food's better, though.

No matching outfits.

And escape attempts would most assuredly fail.

I do truly hate sometimes our ability to make fun jokes in the face of total motherfucking doom.

Everybody, shut up for a second.

Okay.

We have a few hours left.

I am going to have several questions, and then I'm going to have a plan.

When you hear this plan,

you are going to say,

I'm out of my mind,

and then we're going to do it anyway.

Enchiladas are done.

Everybody ready to get started?

Looking for you.

We open at six.

Midnight Burger is brought to you in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

Wilson, Billy, Burtbert, Bethany, 2nd Bethany, 3rd Bethany, Society of Bethany's, Lady Bethany, aka Mrs.

Turkey Spit, Mr.

Squizzle, Sizizzle, Wizzle-Fizzle, the horrendous secret co-conspirator behind the long-ongoing Bethany War.

The non-binary Bethanies take the apple from the Marsh Hag because why would they poison us twice?

Alexandre Laroque has brought La Guillotine to assist the Bethanies in their survival war.

Vive la Révolution.

Dances with the Bethanies, or Bethany's with burritos, if you prefer.

Corvina, the only real Bethany.

Local marsh hag ominously wishes a happy new year to Bethany's and non-Bethany's of all gender varieties.

Gathering of Bethany's drink from the water hole.

Introducing Recy Pontiff as the 23rd Dr.

Bethany.

This episode boldly beckons a bigger batch of brilliant by names brewing a bubbling Bethany stew to broaden the best finale rue.

Banjo Bethany has lost much in the war.

They only wish for peace and to see their family again.

Oh, Bethany, where art thou?

Anomalous Bethany.

My hot wife Bethany calls this show Space Burger all the time.

Green Mountain Hermit wants that NB Bethany stew recipe.

Three geese in a trench coat all named Bethany definitely not causing mischief in the ongoing Bethany War.

Big Bag bussing out the Bethany Bentiga, a non-binary thylacine named Bethany.

Byro the motherfucking dragon with his horde of Bethany's.

Red Nell hiding in a crowd of Bethanies to avoid capture by Wilbur Winklewright, wristwatch wrangler of West Worcestershire.

JS, Daniel Enright, Enderglitch78, Artist Dragonborn, a pleasant pheasant plucker.

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Bootiologist, The Glutes Doctor, Tobias Ewing, Thank you for pressing too.

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Queen Surly Jess, R.I.P.

Lance McLean, You Would Have Have Loved Midnight Burger.

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Yes, you.

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David Chapman, C.J.

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Melt wishes everyone a less traumatic than expected 2025.

Red the Gray, I needed someone to make the TARDIS reference, Couch Potato Alex, Gregory the God of Chaos Sitting Down to Tea with the Other Beings of Chaos, Never Child, Athanasios Nasir Shou Kot, Kiboko, Lil Kev, Kozamine, Jonathan Burton, Mr.

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From your point of observation, Warranty Lady both has and has not had a successful bottom surgery.

Thanks, Schrödinger.

Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, Owen Sucito, A Gently Sucked On Chili Dog, Glory Cole, Janelle Miaonet's Cat Butler, The Gentleman, Rest in Peace, Dear O'Sheen, Alex Berry, Eden DePoussay, Andrew Oakden, I Only Listen for the Names at the End, Avalon, Asymmetrical Exile, Magpie Cat says everything's a bag of holding if you know how to pack.

Eliza Travels the the Universe, Mike Anzavino, Lindsey Bowen, The Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spence, Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, I Hate Samores, James Harlow, NecroPants Salesman of the Year, The Cosmos Cruising Cadillac, I'm Not Joe's Dad, Jasmine James, Dr.

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Iptid, For My Mother, Homer, Are We Doing Crimes?

Two Vegetarians and a Toxic Relationship with Burger.

CCTX Girl6823 Waiting on the Diner.

Melissa Winskill, Nicole Studioso.

Sign my shovel.

A talking dog named Bronk.

Just a potato.

Indigo Escargo.

Love My Captain.

Joe Malma.

Castriff.

Ames Affection for Internet Protection.

Retro MG.

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The Cowboy.

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We have No Lana Bananas Today.

Utred and Rose's Viking Void Vittles.

Not Sure What I'm Doing.

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I named my cat Laif, and it made him an evil genius.

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I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift.

The Stone Fox, Solivia, Kyle from Detroit, Juiciton, Marauder Mitch and Pandergast, Papitos, Boomhauer, Ninja Grimm Reaper, Reaper, Miles Nelson, prove to me that orange cats aren't gods, Britwards, Ashley Soros, Momo's Mama, Tony Tony Tony, Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Fickle Phil, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Mr.

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Kneel before your supreme ruler.

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Lil Stevie Pie, return to Cinder.

Two Polar Cat is back and has Molotov cocktails for everyone.

Did someone say fangs out?

Carl, the teller of dad jokes, at least six gyms.

Skylab's multidimensional, multiphasic, intergalactic quantum cyberverse.

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It's the Police, Open Up!

We just got a noise complaint about too many people hitting it.

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Fun fact: Raccoons don't hibernate.

Dr.

Lattice Trash Angel is going to keep this up year-round.

Noble Barrel.

Yes, my brain is weird.

Thank you.

Bippity-boppity boom.

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Mossy would come up with a cool name, but sadly, she's just Mossy.

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Dr.

Punt Gusher Esquire gets to stay up till midnight sometimes, cause it's called Midnight Burger for a reason.

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Alice Malis asks, how many chains could two chains chain if two chains could chain chains?

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Holy shit, my Kindle just quit on me.

Oh,

thanks, Jeff.

I said accidentally weird.

I said accidentally, accidentally.

She unloads two shells.

I spelled two T-O.

What kind of idiot?

She unloads two shells.

We don't have time to take a break right now.

We're having a two-minute science meeting.

I approve that reading.

This reading approved by Julie Starr.

The Society of Bethanies.

What?

Sorry.

A what?

What?

What?

I just look up and it's all...

I'm sorry.

I can't can't tell who those middle fingers are for.

Everyone's on the screen.

It looks like you're flipping off Tom, which, wow.

I mean,

Boom Boom makes her way across the bar.

She has a wooden leg.

Morning, ladies.

So I guess it's a trip.

That's amazing.

I think, could we go with Blunt?

Sure.

My name is Commandant Blunt of Zurich.

I'm on an exposition.

Expedition.

Expedition.

Hold on.

Technically, we're all on an expedition.

Yeah, we are.

We are right now.

Please allow me to express me.

Fuck you.

She's done it.

Nice work, Ms.

Huggins.

Shit.

Higgins.

What did I say?

No men situation.

A no-man situation.

I'm out.

I call it it now.

Hope springs a kernel, Fiona.

And how do you get out of this crystal?

Can you mention it right now?

No.

Hope springs a colonel.

What does that mean?

Don't worry about it.

Well,

where you have hope,

the future is like a seed,

waiting,

waiting in the ground.

No, and hope is nourishing.

I'm surprised.

Hope the seed can become life.

It's all staticy.

How do I mute other people?

It's a treasure map.

Do you not want me to do it that way?

I don't know.

I mean, I feel like maybe there's a stronger choice.

Pretty strong.

Sounds like a challenge to me.

You got it.

Let's go.

Add the pipple.

So, what is that?

It's a treasure map.

And they leave the user.

Okay.

Oh, sorry.

I was going to hear you.

I was going to hear you.

Everyone, say all of your lines at once.

It's a treasure wrap.

No way.

I'm sorry.

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