Chapter 42: Speedrun!

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Speaker 2 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 3 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 4 He's going the distance.

Speaker 5 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 3 When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 1 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 3 Now, Charlie's sober. He's going to tell you the truth.
How do I present this with any class? I think we're past that, Charlie. We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 4 Somebody call action. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 3 Previously on Midnight Burger, the sisters and the diner finally have a good old-fashioned meet-cute and discuss the fact that they've got to get the F out of the C before the B Fs them in the A.

Speaker 7 All of us here have been in precarious and deadly scenarios before. This may be the most dangerous of them all.

Speaker 3 The B in this case being the benefactor. You know, this guy.
Killed them. The C in this case standing for Cryptesia.
You know, the galaxy filled with other people who want to kill them.

Speaker 3 And things are ever more complicated by the fact that Gloria Gloria is having a hard time doing anything halfway.

Speaker 3 Please don't tell me you're trying to make it your responsibility to save an entire galaxy.

Speaker 8 Whose responsibility should it be?

Speaker 3 No, worry not. Catching the diner is about as easy as picking up a wet watermelon seed.

Speaker 3 But they've got an awfully long grocery list of refugees to nab before they can get the F out of the G and avoid the Fing in the A by the B.

Speaker 3 Also, Fiona's here. Hi there.
Let's start the shift.

Speaker 4 The year was 1950. Deep in the mountains of California, Albert George Wilson looked into the telescope of the Palomar Observatory and realized he had seen something majestic.

Speaker 4 Something heretofore hidden from prying eyes by the bright light of the star Regulus. It was a galaxy.
We would come to know it as Leo, as the Regulus dwarf.

Speaker 4 But these days we've come to call it Cryptesia.

Speaker 4 We've come to call it a treacherous place ruled by a mysterious army. We've also come to call it the site of the universe's very first Midnight Burger Speedrun.

Speaker 4 100 refugees, 1,000 planets, and an army of Oogies on their trail.

Speaker 4 We'll watch as our heroes risk life and limb to save as as many refugees as they can before the malevolent benefactor puts the hammer down. Get ready, get set, get out.

Speaker 4 It's the Midnight Burger Speed Run, y'all.

Speaker 10 Welcome back, everyone.

Speaker 5 I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, and we will be your host for the most anticipated event in the multiverse.

Speaker 10 Bram has set the scene. Now let's meet our players.
Bram, who's the lineup for the Midnight Burger team this time around?

Speaker 4 Yay! The Midnight Burger lineup is stacked to the brim right now. We've got Gloria leading the way with her spatula of justice.

Speaker 4 Then there's Leaf, the pirate engineer, followed up by the baddest brains in the Star Ways, Dr. Ava Maddox.

Speaker 4 And then there are the wild cards, Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain, the non-corporeal spiritual leaders of the group.

Speaker 4 And a new addition to the team is David, a street artist, hailing from Los Angeles, who brings some fresh street smarts to the Midnight Burger crew. Also, his dad is here.

Speaker 4 But our team is not alone this time, are they now, kiddick?

Speaker 13 No, they are not, Bram.

Speaker 10 Joining forces with the diner this time around are the Sisters, a trio of freedom fighters from the Triad.

Speaker 5 We've got Labooza, the techno-seer, Tita, the battle-hardened mercenary, and Kazi, the leader and brilliant military tactician.

Speaker 15 Some have called her cold-blooded, but that's only because she is literally cold-blooded, like her blood is actually cold, y'all.

Speaker 5 We don't know how it works. It's disturbing.

Speaker 12 Bram?

Speaker 4 Here's the score as it stands, Kitty. Planets to go, 997.
Refugees left to save, 102.

Speaker 14 They have got their work cut out for them.

Speaker 4 Kitty, we're going to join our team at a tense moment. As you can see, they're all waiting in the parking lot for the arrival of a new batch of refugees.

Speaker 10 And where have they found themselves today?

Speaker 4 Bram, get it? This particular planet has the code name Ninth Century, a planet that is being deliberately kept in a system of feudalism. It's a whole planet of lords, peasants, and serfs.

Speaker 13 Time to get medieval, Bram.

Speaker 4 Let's watch.

Speaker 7 Tita, what's your status?

Speaker 3 We stole a wagon.

Speaker 7 Can you give me a bit more details?

Speaker 16 Uh, we stole the refugees, stole a wagon, and now we've got a bunch of guys with spears on our trail.

Speaker 19 Casper, go faster. Horses don't have a gas pedal.

Speaker 13 We're going to be coming in real hot.

Speaker 8 Lace, get the drones up.

Speaker 21 Burger Force One, we are go.

Speaker 22 Have I told y'all lately how much he hates horses?

Speaker 3 Who hates horses?

Speaker 8 Ava, can you make the horses go any faster?

Speaker 13 Hey, I'm dressed like Anne fucking Boleyn over here. Don't make me do more work.

Speaker 4 Ava!

Speaker 13 Go faster, horses!

Speaker 4 Yeah, it didn't work.

Speaker 21 Tita, just get here, and I'll lay down suppressing fire with the drones.

Speaker 13 I really hate those drones.

Speaker 20 Everybody hates drones.

Speaker 25 That's part of their charm.

Speaker 20 Here they come.

Speaker 8 Jesus Christ, is there anyone on this planet who isn't chasing them?

Speaker 26 Even I know how ridiculous this looks.

Speaker 3 Let's go. Let's go.

Speaker 8 Everybody move. Everybody, inside right now.

Speaker 3 Tita, one of them is charging you.

Speaker 13 Fuck you, buddy.

Speaker 4 Whoa.

Speaker 28 She has punched that horse right in its face.

Speaker 12 Down goes Fraser.

Speaker 20 Everybody, get clear.

Speaker 4 Demons from the sky.

Speaker 3 Okay, you're retreating.

Speaker 20 Ava,

Speaker 21 what the fuck are you wearing?

Speaker 23 I stole some medieval clothes.

Speaker 3 At no point did we need to be in disguise.

Speaker 23 I know, but I like the pointy hat.

Speaker 8 Good job, everyone. Casper, how many is that?

Speaker 29 17.

Speaker 8 They're not going to make this easy, are they?

Speaker 21 Here comes the jump.

Speaker 12 Well, shit, now we have a wagon.

Speaker 4 Well, that's one way to kick it off, Bram. Now, don't you worry, y'all.
No horses were harmed in that round. The horse popped right back up.

Speaker 14 But somebody get him a T-bone for that black eye.

Speaker 4 We're keeping it fast and loose today, kitty. Away we go to the next planet.

Speaker 12 Good morning, Theo.

Speaker 31 Good morning, Betty. How are you feeling this morning? I'm feeling okay.
Just okay?

Speaker 32 Not great, honestly. I'm dreading going to work today.

Speaker 31 I'm sorry to hear that, Betty.

Speaker 32 I do so much at that office. I handle payroll, I train the new hires, I water the plants.
And it feels like nobody even notices.

Speaker 31 That's a lot of responsibilities you're juggling. It must be frustrating to put in so much effort without recognition.

Speaker 28 Exactly.

Speaker 32 Just today, friggin' Sarah got praised in our team meeting for finishing this big report. Never mind that I stayed late three nights last week helping her compile all the data.

Speaker 32 It's like they don't even see me there.

Speaker 31 I'm so sorry about that, Betty. I want you to know that I see you and I appreciate you.

Speaker 33 Thanks, Theo.

Speaker 32 Sometimes I think I should just stop doing all the extra stuff. Let them see what happens when no one handles the lunch order or teaches the new guy the filing system.

Speaker 28 I don't think you should do that, Betty.

Speaker 31 You might create chaos, then a hostile work environment. How about I shower you with praise and soothing thoughts?

Speaker 32 Yeah, that sounds nice.

Speaker 31 Your choice of pen suits have been particularly fashion-forward lately.

Speaker 29 Have they really?

Speaker 34 Yes.

Speaker 31 And you were right about artificial sweetener. Since you stopped using it, your anxiety levels have dropped sharply.

Speaker 16 I knew it.

Speaker 31 I know you did, Betty.

Speaker 31 Would you like me to show you more pictures of that island you're going to take a vacation to someday?

Speaker 4 Yeah, yes. Bram,

Speaker 13 where in the heck have they found themselves today?

Speaker 28 This here is a wild one, Kitty. We have now moved to a planet code named Wisenbaum.

Speaker 28 It's looking like everyone on the planet has got themselves a little bot in their pocket that they can talk to when they're feeling lonely.

Speaker 13 Well, that doesn't sound too bad.

Speaker 28 Little do they know, these little bots are designed to keep everyone avoiding conflict and to keep everyone's bullshit co-signed. Pardon my French.

Speaker 31 Can I play some soothing sounds for you?

Speaker 4 That would be great.

Speaker 13 Well, Bram, it looks like Betty's got a little company today. That's right.

Speaker 28 Here comes David with an antique radio and a glint in his eye.

Speaker 4 Okay, that's her.

Speaker 13 What are we meant to do here, David?

Speaker 22 We think we found the refugees in that building. We think that this woman has access keys for the entire place.

Speaker 22 Lafe says he can't access the basement, so we need somebody on the inside.

Speaker 35 We'll do our level best.

Speaker 22 Okay, get in there.

Speaker 32 Theo, do you think they like me at the Starbucks, or are they just pretending?

Speaker 13 Well, I'm sure I don't know, dear.

Speaker 4 Uh,

Speaker 27 what's happening?

Speaker 13 Well, you asked me a question and I answered it.

Speaker 4 What? Hey there.

Speaker 24 Did you get that new upgrade just now?

Speaker 4 New upgrade? Yeah.

Speaker 22 My device switched from a single voice to the voice of two people.

Speaker 32 Oh, I don't know if I want that.

Speaker 24 No, it's great.

Speaker 1 You should try it.

Speaker 33 I was really attached to Theo, though. Sure.

Speaker 24 I get it, but you'll like it.

Speaker 4 I promise.

Speaker 25 Um.

Speaker 37 Okay. Cool.

Speaker 22 I'm going to, uh, I'm going to keep walking this way.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Bye.

Speaker 4 Um.

Speaker 28 hello what's your name dear?

Speaker 32 Um my name is Betty hello there Betty.

Speaker 28 I'm Zebulon Mucklewain

Speaker 4 and I'm Effie

Speaker 13 this is really weird Betty, what are we doing on this park bench?

Speaker 32 Oh, I need to sit here sometimes before work.

Speaker 28 I see and why is that Betty?

Speaker 32 Uh well I was saying to Theo that I just don't feel appreciated there.

Speaker 4 I work very hard. That's a shame.

Speaker 13 And what are we doing about this, Betty? I'm sorry?

Speaker 4 What are we doing?

Speaker 32 Oh, uh, Theo tells me that I shouldn't create a hostile work environment, and I should just.

Speaker 18 Zebulin, do you see anyone around here named Theo?

Speaker 28 Just you and I, dear.

Speaker 13 Betty, why would a tiny little box in your hand know more about you than you do?

Speaker 4 But that's what you are.

Speaker 13 It seems to me that if you're working hard and not getting appreciated, that's already a hostile work environment.

Speaker 28 But it's only hostile toward you, Betty.

Speaker 4 Hmm. Betty,

Speaker 4 get on up off of this park bench. Okay.
Good.

Speaker 13 Are your two feet planted on the dang ground?

Speaker 32 That's how else should I stand up?

Speaker 13 You're gonna go into that there building and you're gonna stop letting those nabobs treat you like an empty flower sack. Do you hear me?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 16 Okay.

Speaker 28 Betty.

Speaker 13 You're still standing there.

Speaker 32 Would you mind playing some soothing sounds before I go in?

Speaker 4 Oh, good.

Speaker 28 Betty.

Speaker 28 One foot in front of the other.

Speaker 30 Let's get a move on.

Speaker 4 Okay, here I go.

Speaker 16 Ooh, she's heading in. Fucking finally.

Speaker 4 Leaf, are you ready to go? Yeah, I'm ready.

Speaker 4 Shit.

Speaker 39 We've got company.

Speaker 6 How many are there?

Speaker 28 Three. Grove, on the way.

Speaker 22 Betty is right in the line of fire. You know what?

Speaker 9 I've been thinking.

Speaker 13 No time to think, Betty.

Speaker 40 Why is she not taking cover?

Speaker 22 They're brainwashed into not seeing anything.

Speaker 4 Great.

Speaker 10 Maybe it is time I take a vacation.

Speaker 32 I should stop looking at those pictures of our island vacation and just do it, right?

Speaker 22 Mucklewains get her in the damn building.

Speaker 34 Excellent idea, Betty, but let's not tarry out here in the street.

Speaker 39 I've almost hit her about 15 times.

Speaker 41 Only live once.

Speaker 39 God damn it. They got Betty.

Speaker 28 Shithead.

Speaker 28 That does it.

Speaker 42 Attention, assholes.

Speaker 42 I have six drones targeting you. If one of you tries to fire, you get turned into a pincushion.

Speaker 42 How long would you like to do this?

Speaker 6 They're probably headed for reinforcements. We need a solution right now.

Speaker 39 Fuck it. We're going in.

Speaker 4 What are we doing? We're going to wing it.

Speaker 10 What is this building?

Speaker 22 It's the headquarters of

Speaker 1 Edible Arrangements.

Speaker 12 What the hell is an edible arrangement?

Speaker 22 Nobody really knows.

Speaker 39 Heads up, edible arrangements.

Speaker 4 This is a fucking robbery.

Speaker 5 Talk about your close call.

Speaker 4 Kitty, I think we're going to find there's all kinds of ways to skin a cat in this competition.

Speaker 4 And like I always say, sometimes the best way to skin a cat is to kick down the doors of the edible arrangements building and start shooting.

Speaker 10 Planets left, 994. Refugees left, 83.

Speaker 44 Bram, where are we heading next?

Speaker 4 Kitty, hang on to your helmet. We're heading into some trench warfare.
World War Wonderful!

Speaker 4 Up next is Planet Belisarius. It looks like these folks have been forced into an endless global war that just grinds on and on.

Speaker 11 Let's check in on our away tape for this mission, Bram.

Speaker 8 Okay, the only thing around here for miles are these trenches.

Speaker 40 The refugees have got to be here somewhere.

Speaker 21 We're going to have to go trench by trench then.

Speaker 21 It may take a while. Tita, what?

Speaker 3 What are you doing?

Speaker 46 These rations are really good.

Speaker 10 Have you guys tried these?

Speaker 3 The cans that just say meat on them?

Speaker 5 Yeah, they're great.

Speaker 3 Tita, the enemy is firing at us.

Speaker 4 So? So bullets are dangerous. Casper, guns like that at this range, they can't get jack shit right now.

Speaker 8 Wafe, from the roof I can see some sort of bunker on the southwest end of the battlefield.

Speaker 4 That's where we should head then.

Speaker 9 Hey, Gloria.

Speaker 7 Do you have any of these meat cans back at the diner?

Speaker 12 This shit is the best.

Speaker 4 Uh, no.

Speaker 13 sorry, Tita.

Speaker 29 I don't. All right.

Speaker 3 Whatever. How are we gonna get there from here?

Speaker 21 I'm going to send the drones over the battlefield, see if we can find a clear path. If we have to jump trenches, we may have to run our asses off.

Speaker 4 Great.

Speaker 8 Actually, Tita, now that I'm thinking about it, I could cube the meat and fry it and then go with the pineapple salsa. Could be something really special.

Speaker 40 Ooh, I like that.

Speaker 8 Can you grab some cans before you head back? Sure.

Speaker 7 What is happening?

Speaker 8 Ow, what the fuck?

Speaker 3 I told you to get down.

Speaker 16 You fuckers, hang on a minute.

Speaker 4 Tita!

Speaker 4 Which one of you assholes shot me?

Speaker 8 Guys, what's going on?

Speaker 4 Coria, we're gonna need some time.

Speaker 47 Uh, Tita's gonna go win World War I.

Speaker 19 Okay, so like...

Speaker 8 20 minutes?

Speaker 5 Okay, Bram.

Speaker 10 That is three planets down, and our team still seems to be going strong.

Speaker 4 993 planets to go, 75 refugees still out there somewhere.

Speaker 10 You know, Bram, some people may be wondering, what happens to all these refugees once the diner comes along and swoops them up?

Speaker 4 Way back when this group of travelers took their first trip with the diner, they all had to pack themselves in into the dining room. But Gloria had a thing or two to say about that, didn't she?

Speaker 5 She's always thinking that one.

Speaker 10 Nowadays, the diner's precious cargo doesn't have to sleep in booths or on the floor.

Speaker 17 They can make themselves a home away from home deep down in the diner's deep freeze at the newly christened Camp Vladimir.

Speaker 30 Welcome, everyone. Make your way this way.
There's blankets for everyone over there. Get warm by the fire, and don't worry about the wolves.
If you're hungry, there's a line for soup right there.

Speaker 30 If anyone needs medical attention, let me know. I'm told most of you speak English, so hopefully I'm not screaming at you like an idiot right now.

Speaker 28 So who have we got here, Kitty?

Speaker 13 Well, Bram, this is Fiona, one of the new additions to the diner. Gloria and the team stole Fiona from a planet that was eternally stuck in the year 2012.

Speaker 28 2012 is a good year, Kitty. I've still got Call Me Maybe on my Car Jams playlist.

Speaker 13 No doubt that it's a banger, Bram, but it's been a rough road for Fiona.

Speaker 28 Heart goes out to her. But then, look at her.

Speaker 13 As you can see, she's already making herself useful, keeping things running here at Camp Vladimir. Fiona, how are you doing today?

Speaker 30 I'm sorry.

Speaker 13 This camp keeps getting bigger and bigger. Are you going to have enough blankets for everyone?

Speaker 44 Oh, right.

Speaker 30 They told me you guys were doing some kind of sportcaster thing. They said you do this sometimes.

Speaker 13 Fiona, just a few days ago, you were a barista at a Starbucks, and here you are, criss-crossing the heavens in a diner. Never mind the refugees.

Speaker 28 How are you holding up?

Speaker 30 Uh, well, I'm learning a lot. I know how to start a campfire now.
I know how to change a diaper. I learned to never hang out in an area of Andromeda called the Iron Quadrant.

Speaker 30 And I learned that I actually look great in a parka.

Speaker 13 Yes, Fiona, but how are you really doing?

Speaker 30 How am I really doing?

Speaker 30 How am I really doing?

Speaker 30 It's funny.

Speaker 10 I was saved.

Speaker 30 I was a prisoner on my planet.

Speaker 47 But there's this part of me that wishes I could go back.

Speaker 30 There's this part of me that wishes I just didn't know all this.

Speaker 30 That's embarrassing to admit.

Speaker 32 I guess

Speaker 30 we want to stick with the familiar, even when the familiar is terrible for you.

Speaker 13 Where we come from is always complicated, isn't it, Fiona?

Speaker 30 Seriously.

Speaker 30 I asked Gloria how she does this.

Speaker 30 How does she ever feel like she's home in a place where everything's always changing?

Speaker 30 She said she misses having a home sometimes, but that home can be anything.

Speaker 30 Home can be a person, or a mission, or a spatula somehow.

Speaker 30 I guess I need to start by finding that.

Speaker 13 It sounds like you're on the right track, Fiona.

Speaker 30 Okay, here comes another group. Gotta go.
Hey, everyone! There's blankets for everyone over there. Get warm by the fire and don't worry about the wolves.

Speaker 41 Get it?

Speaker 4 What else goes on around here when they're in between planets?

Speaker 44 You know, Bram, used to be the time in between shifts was a time for rest and a time to get a little chummy with your friends.

Speaker 27 But these days, there's never a still moment here at the diner.

Speaker 44 For example, we had an opportunity to head up to the roof where Leif is in constant repair and refashion mode.

Speaker 17 Laif, thanks for talking to us today.

Speaker 13 What? What are you working on right now?

Speaker 21 You guys are doing this sports center thing again?

Speaker 28 That's an awful big gun you got there, Leif.

Speaker 4 What is it?

Speaker 21 This is Dame Judy Dench, aka

Speaker 3 Tita's gun.

Speaker 4 Now, Leif, how does she even lift that thing?

Speaker 20 Yeah, it's a real slab.

Speaker 21 This model is called a Peace Reaper.

Speaker 20 It can do ranged combat, mid-range combat, close quarters.

Speaker 21 It's even got a grenade launcher and a flamethrower.

Speaker 21 Now, a lot of people don't use them because one of the key laws of engineering is the more things you try to do with one toy, the less chance there is of you doing any of them well.

Speaker 20 However, she's made some changes to it that I have to admit are pretty brilliant.

Speaker 21 Anyway, the site is fucked up, so I need to make some adjustments.

Speaker 28 We've seen you work on a whole heck of a lot of things up here, Leaf. Now that I think about it, very few of them have been guns.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I hate guns.

Speaker 4 Guns don't solve anything. They just hurt people.

Speaker 21 You want to make a weapon?

Speaker 20 Make something that attacks a system, not people.

Speaker 26 Wait, two minutes. Let's go.

Speaker 4 Sorry, guys. Back to the salt mines.
Coming down.

Speaker 4 Kitty, Leaf may have done a pretty nice job on that gun, but it's not going to make a lick of difference on this next stop, is it?

Speaker 27 Bram, it is not.

Speaker 10 Because our next stop brings us to Planet Dixon.

Speaker 4 Now, I'm a bit confused by this one, kitty.

Speaker 5 It sure is a puzzler, Bram.

Speaker 41 Now, according to our home team, every planet they're visiting has found some new method to get people stuck in their their ways.

Speaker 9 And on Planet Dixon, they get people going round and round by turning everything into a spectator sport.

Speaker 4 I'm afraid I don't follow you on that one, kitty. We love a good spectator sport.

Speaker 14 Luckily, we were able to chat with Ava and Labooza about this planet right before they were to participate in one of these spectator sports.

Speaker 38 It doesn't sound like the typical scientific debate crowd out there.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 23 It is going to be great.

Speaker 10 So, Ava, Labuza, can you two explain to us what this is all about?

Speaker 41 What goes on on this planet?

Speaker 23 It's super fucked up. Check it out.
Imagine a game of football, the American kind.

Speaker 23 You're watching this game where they take this ball and they kick it and throw it and tackle each other for it and use it to score points on each other.

Speaker 28 Sounds like a good time to me.

Speaker 4 But...

Speaker 23 Imagine that the ball they're using in this game of football is actually a really important tool. Something that you need to solve a very important problem.

Speaker 28 Well, then why is it being used as a football?

Speaker 23 Exactly. On this planet, knowledge isn't something to be used and digested and processed to evolve.
It's a blunt object to pummel your enemy with.

Speaker 48 Why do you sound so excited about this?

Speaker 41 Hey,

Speaker 23 just because we are mega geniuses doesn't mean we can't enjoy pummeling our enemy.

Speaker 10 Now hang on there, Ava. Having a whole lot of knowledge is a good thing.

Speaker 13 Why are you saying it's bad?

Speaker 23 Because having knowledge means jack shit if you don't do something with it. Think about Jeopardy back home.
There's a winner every season, and they've got all this knowledge.

Speaker 23 But would you call anyone who wins that game a great thinker?

Speaker 23 How many people on earth learn things just so they can dunk on people on the internet or really crush it at dinner parties? Knowledge is a tool on your belt, not a notch on it.

Speaker 23 That being said, let's crush these fuckers!

Speaker 3 Ladies and gentlemen, it is time once again for Debate Me Coward, broadcast live across the globe on a very special two against one night, our challengers this evening, Eva and Labooza.

Speaker 3 And in this corner, our returning champion, it's Sonny the Stag.

Speaker 3 What's up? What's up?

Speaker 3 You know the rules. One debate.
No prisoners.

Speaker 16 Ava, are you guys okay out there?

Speaker 23 It's very loud.

Speaker 30 We're doing great.

Speaker 8 Okay, at some point, Tita is going to have to blow a very big hole in the back of this amphitheater to get to this batch of refugees. Do whatever you can to keep it loud in No problem.

Speaker 9 The teams are set.

Speaker 3 What will our topic be tonight? Let's spin the wheel of dispute.

Speaker 6 Hey, Ava, the loose has been going through a rough time. Can you keep in mind that not everyone is immune to psychic damage like you are?

Speaker 49 Can you tell Casper that I can hear him even when I'm not wearing an earpiece?

Speaker 4 God damn it.

Speaker 6 Ava, I hacked into the production office to control what you're debating. Sent you a little Christmas present.

Speaker 23 Aw, thanks, Santa.

Speaker 3 And our topic tonight, matter-antimatter asymmetry in the early universe. Yes.

Speaker 6 What the fuck is going on on this planet?

Speaker 3 The challengers will now choose their position.

Speaker 47 What are we supposed to do?

Speaker 23 Pick a side in the debate.

Speaker 4 Oh.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Ah.

Speaker 26 We choose CPT violation, please.

Speaker 3 And our returning champion?

Speaker 17 Leptogenesis, baby.

Speaker 29 Did they turn an entire planet into Ava's brain or something?

Speaker 3 The challengers will now give their opening statements.

Speaker 4 Go ahead.

Speaker 23 Seriously? You'll be great. Okay.

Speaker 48 Why is there something instead of nothing?

Speaker 38 When the universe began, that great explosion should have produced equal parts, matter and antimatter, leading to instant annihilation.

Speaker 4 But somehow, here we all are.

Speaker 48 The answer lies in CPT violation, a fundamental asymmetry in the universe itself.

Speaker 48 We've observed asymmetry in particle physics. I propose that that asymmetry is not isolated, but runs through to the core of our existence in a complete violation of charge, parity, and time symmetry.

Speaker 4 Thank you.

Speaker 23 Okay, we're gonna have to work on your showmanship a little.

Speaker 49 I don't have any showmanship.

Speaker 3 Yeah. The champion's response.
Sonny Gustag!

Speaker 3 Sonny the Stag! Sonny Gustag! Sonny the Stag!

Speaker 45 My name is Sonny the Stag,

Speaker 3 and I think that your arguments are like my choices and women.

Speaker 4 Problematic!

Speaker 3 Why are you trying to blow up our spot, ladies?

Speaker 45 The symmetries of the universe are as rock-solid as this body!

Speaker 25 You can't just toss it out when you don't like it.

Speaker 3 Check out my goons!

Speaker 50 Thermoleptogenesis and heavy right-handed neutrino to gas!

Speaker 3 Response from the challengers.

Speaker 23 Let me take this one.

Speaker 38 Yeah, I think that's for the best.

Speaker 23 Invoking leptogenesis to solve an expansive problem is like sending a boy to do a man's job. So I guess it's a good thing you're here, son of the stag.

Speaker 23 You're gonna bring your weak ass leptogenesis in here to solve universal asymmetry? What kind of Diet Coke-ass solution is that?

Speaker 23 Oh, wait!

Speaker 30 Let me guess.

Speaker 23 You're going to cite neutrino decay in the early universe as evidence? You mean that thing nobody has ever observed and can't ever observe?

Speaker 26 What are you gonna tell me next?

Speaker 23 I swear I'm dating a supermodel, guys.

Speaker 17 She just lives in Canada.

Speaker 23 The universe is made up of strong forces and weak forces, Sonny the Stag, but your shit is the weakest

Speaker 4 Tita.

Speaker 10 Hello, I'm not ready yet. Fucking hell!

Speaker 3 The champions rebuttal.

Speaker 4 You think my shit's got no evidence?

Speaker 4 Check out my neutrino oscillations.

Speaker 45 Check out my lattice QCD calculations.

Speaker 45 I've got no evidence.

Speaker 4 You can't even reconcile your findings with the LHC, girl.

Speaker 44 Shout out to the LHC

Speaker 3 Rebuttal from the challengers.

Speaker 16 Okay, now I'm ready. Shit.

Speaker 23 Okay, I'll go again.

Speaker 3 First off, the entire team must respond.

Speaker 4 You're kidding me.

Speaker 23 Okay, it's okay. You can do this.

Speaker 44 No, I can't.

Speaker 23 Hey, didn't your dad conquer a bunch of planets or something?

Speaker 9 Dig deep.

Speaker 23 Give me some of that conqueror energy.

Speaker 10 Let's hurry it up, guys.

Speaker 38 This This is going to be a disaster.

Speaker 23 That's the spirit.

Speaker 4 Um,

Speaker 48 I take issue with many of your suppositions. They rely on assumptions made about the temperature of the early universe that can't be verified.

Speaker 51 I posed the question before,

Speaker 48 why is there something instead of nothing?

Speaker 38 Perhaps a bigger question should be,

Speaker 48 Sonny the Stag,

Speaker 48 why are you something, but still a big nothing?

Speaker 26 The LHC is too weak to operate at a detectable level for these energies.

Speaker 48 But as we can see from your arguments, you do love weak shit.

Speaker 4 Oh my god.

Speaker 38 Do us all a favor, Sonny the Stag.

Speaker 49 Stop clinging to inadequate theories and go back to clinging to your mom.

Speaker 23 Tita, blow it.

Speaker 32 Fire in the hole.

Speaker 4 And that's the game. Kitty, I did not think Labooza had it in her.

Speaker 14 It's always the quiet ones, Bram.

Speaker 10 What do our numbers look like?

Speaker 4 Planets, 946. Refugees left to go, 64.

Speaker 10 Bram, that was a wild one, and that was a loud one.

Speaker 4 My ears are still ringing.

Speaker 17 But not every situation our team gets into is a blow the doors off the place situation, is it, Bram?

Speaker 4 It sure isn't, kitty. On our our next planet, the mystery men were there in force, leading the team to get a little sneaky in their maneuvers.

Speaker 4 Let's catch up with Casper and Catsy as they wait for a patrol of baddies to pass them by.

Speaker 4 Still no sign of prime humans or descendants. Continue aerial surveillance.

Speaker 7 I can see six heat signatures in the adjoining building. That must be our people.
Once this patrol is gone, I'll go and get them. You should stay here.

Speaker 6 Why am I staying here?

Speaker 7 Because it's harder for them to see me on their scanners. Okay.

Speaker 3 Is that because of something you did to your skin, or is that because you're an undead creature from beyond the grave who can't be photographed?

Speaker 7 You didn't need to come on the mission. I could have done it myself.
Hey, you heard Gloria.

Speaker 20 Don't leave the diner without a buddy.

Speaker 3 Teamwork makes the dream work.

Speaker 7 And how do you plan on helping me?

Speaker 3 Well, for one, I can stand in direct sunlight and not turn to dust.

Speaker 7 Your earth references are lost on me, Casper.

Speaker 3 You're not the intended audience.

Speaker 7 What are you doing here? I just told you. You have an ulterior motive.

Speaker 7 I can tell.

Speaker 3 You know, anytime you want to stop looking at my brain is fine by me.

Speaker 7 What is it?

Speaker 3 I need you to get out of Gloria's head. What do you mean? You know what I mean.

Speaker 7 I'm not trying to get into anybody's head.

Speaker 3 Kazi, you are constantly, without question, trying to get into people's heads. Sometimes literally.

Speaker 3 Gloria puts a lot of pressure on herself, and she doesn't need any more from you.

Speaker 3 You have one conversation with her, and suddenly she's feeling guilty because rescuing all of your people isn't going to be enough. You've got her thinking she needs to save the whole galaxy now.

Speaker 7 I can't control her mind, Casper.

Speaker 3 You can cut the bullshit, Kazi.

Speaker 3 When you were standing there in front of that big hologram of Cryptesia, looking at all those planets, I already knew what you were planning.

Speaker 7 Oh, really?

Speaker 7 What am I planning?

Speaker 3 You're going to sweep up the rest of your people in this galaxy, but then you're not going to stop there.

Speaker 3 You've got a great big ship and wormholes that connect everything. You're going to load up that ship of yours and go planet to planet, claiming territory just like dear old dad did.

Speaker 7 I see.

Speaker 7 And that upsets you, does it?

Speaker 3 Yes, it upsets me. Because we didn't sign up for a war, Kazi.
We run a fucking diner.

Speaker 7 I'm confused, Casper.

Speaker 7 Why would it matter what Gloria is thinking? Nobody seems to be able to control that diner of yours. What difference does it make what I say to Gloria?

Speaker 4 Fuck.

Speaker 3 I think it listens to her.

Speaker 4 A little bit.

Speaker 34 Really?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 3 And if you get her emotionally wrapped up in your war games, then we all get dragged into it.

Speaker 4 I don't want that. If you want to be galactic Napoleon, fine.

Speaker 3 Leave us out of it.

Speaker 7 You know, Casper,

Speaker 7 despite the fact that I see the inner workings of your brain, I still have no idea how it works. Look at everything you've seen in the past few weeks.

Speaker 7 Look at all these people trapped on these planets. How do you see that and decide it's not your problem?

Speaker 3 Because I'm trying to keep the people I care about safe.

Speaker 7 You idiot.

Speaker 7 The mistake I made, Casper, was thinking that there was ever a safe place from people like this.

Speaker 7 I thought we could leave the triad and start anew, but look now.

Speaker 7 Hundreds of thousands of light years away, and it's no different. A powerful force enslaving the vulnerable.
You're a fool to think you can run away from that. There's no safe space.

Speaker 7 It always comes for you.

Speaker 7 Your son?

Speaker 7 You mean the man who has already picked up a gun and jumped into the fray without any hesitation? He's very brave, Casper. I'm assuming he gets that from his mother.

Speaker 7 You're going to tell him that it's time for him to run for the hills?

Speaker 21 He'll forgive me.

Speaker 7 No, he won't.

Speaker 7 I'll be honest with you, Casper. If this is really true, that the diner listens to Gloria somehow, what kind of military strategist would I be if I didn't exploit that?

Speaker 3 I am asking you to not involve us in this.

Speaker 7 You should come up to my lab sometime, Casper.

Speaker 7 I'll grow you a fucking spy. Kazzi,

Speaker 4 fuck. Do not move.

Speaker 7 I'm unarmed. But I suppose that won't stop you from doing your worst.

Speaker 4 Stand aside.

Speaker 23 What?

Speaker 4 Stand aside.

Speaker 42 Really?

Speaker 7 Shouldn't you be killing me right now?

Speaker 3 Stand aside. Why wouldn't he kill you? I don't know.

Speaker 7 Here you go. I'll step aside.
Kazi?

Speaker 4 Eliminating target. Kazi, what the fuck?

Speaker 7 Interesting.

Speaker 3 You're right. I didn't want to see the claw.

Speaker 5 Well, heck, Bram, did you see what I just saw?

Speaker 4 I sure did, Kitty. Big developments out there in the field today.
It looks as though the Mystery Men are unable or unwilling to attack Kazi.

Speaker 33 What do we think that's about?

Speaker 4 I'm not sure, Kitty, but I'm sure the team will take any defensive weakness they can get their hands on these days.

Speaker 10 We'll have more on this as it develops, Bram.

Speaker 14 But the Midnight Burger Speed Run stops for no one.

Speaker 5 Off we go to another round right after this break.

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Speaker 52 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries and a drink.

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Speaker 23 Hey there, this is Dr. Ava Maddox of Midnight Burger, but you already knew that.
I am here today to talk to you about my most trusted companion, pencils.

Speaker 23 Every time I sharpen one of these bad mamma jammas, I think about how they're probably the most honest tool we've got. They don't pretend to be permanent.

Speaker 23 They know everything changes, just like the realities we visit. And when you make a mistake, just flip it over and erase.
What else in the cosmos is that forgiving?

Speaker 23 They never run out of batteries, they never need updating, and they work in every dimension I have ever visited. Even that one where gravity only worked on Tuesdays.

Speaker 8 Remember that?

Speaker 23 Have someone bring you some pencils today. They're the greatest repositories of potential energy in this or any universe.
Sharpen up a pencil now and stay sharp out there, dummies.

Speaker 3 This message brought to you by the Interdimensional Council for Pencil Using.

Speaker 27 Welcome back, folks.

Speaker 17 You are now joining us as our home team is right in the middle of another round.

Speaker 44 Bram, where do we find ourselves today?

Speaker 4 Kiddie, we're now on planet Says Saze Piketty, where it looks like the opposing team is trying to keep people in their place via some good old-fashioned massive income inequality.

Speaker 9 Well, wrap me in chiffon, Bram.

Speaker 10 Would you get a load of this place?

Speaker 4 Kitty, I haven't seen this many things covered in gold since my granddad showed me his molars.

Speaker 44 For those of you watching at home, let me assure you that you are not seeing things.

Speaker 44 This is a restaurant that would make the hanging gardens of Babylon look like a Stuckeys outside of Oklahoma City, wouldn't it, Bram?

Speaker 4 Fun fact about this place, kitty. They have black rhinoceros on the menu, and that is a very endangered animal.
I'm being told now that that is not a fun fact. That is actually real, real bad.

Speaker 9 And speaking of the endangered, Bram, I think I see Gloria seated right over there at one of the tables.

Speaker 4 Looks like the game's afoot, kitty. Let's watch.
Good evening, madam. Are you waiting for more guests?

Speaker 8 Yes, they should be along any minute now.

Speaker 3 Of course, and would madam like a sampling of our spotted owl Amuz Bouche while you are waiting.

Speaker 4 Spotted owl? Correct.

Speaker 17 To eat?

Speaker 3 Yes, madam. Only available for a limited time.

Speaker 8 Available for a limited time because it's endangered? That's correct.

Speaker 4 I'm going to pass.

Speaker 3 Very well.

Speaker 51 Apertif?

Speaker 8 I think I'm good.

Speaker 4 Of course.

Speaker 4 Laif?

Speaker 8 What's our time frame like this place gives me the creep?

Speaker 6 Just looking for a workable getaway card to steal.

Speaker 8 I think everything on the menu is an endangered species, Leif.

Speaker 8 The waiter just offered me spotted owl.

Speaker 45 Jesus.

Speaker 28 Okay, I'm on it. Sit tight.
Backup is on the way.

Speaker 4 Backup? Well, good evening to you.

Speaker 23 This table is darling.

Speaker 3 Pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm Baldwin Cottonwood Highsworth IV.

Speaker 23 And I'm Duchess Franketta von Blugswag.

Speaker 4 May we join you?

Speaker 3 We've had a very very long day of buying fine art and then throwing it into a grinder chipper for no reason.

Speaker 9 Duchess, I am pooped.

Speaker 23 As am I, darling.

Speaker 4 Come on, the Duchess's chair.

Speaker 3 So sorry, sir. So sorry.
Here you are, Matt. Ridiculous.
Would anyone like an Amuz boot?

Speaker 8 Please don't order anything.

Speaker 3 I've only just sat down and you're pestering me with questions. Get out of my field of vision.
So sorry, so sorry.

Speaker 4 Hey, what's up?

Speaker 8 Y'all, I don't think we need complicated aliases for this one.

Speaker 23 Gloria, I'm not going to pass up an opportunity to use a cigarette holder.

Speaker 3 And truly, the only way to stomach a place like this is to go all the way in, become the role, really Donnie Brasco, the situation.

Speaker 23 So I am Duchess von Blugswag, and I own

Speaker 23 all of the emeralds.

Speaker 3 And I'm Baldwin Cottonwood Heisworth IV, and I just bought all of the newspapers and then shut them down. Now do yours.

Speaker 4 Uh,

Speaker 8 I'm Serena del Castillo, and I just bought Guam.

Speaker 4 Ah, Guam.

Speaker 23 Excellent choice.

Speaker 3 The rubber trees in the springtime.

Speaker 12 Leaf, please tell me you're ready to go.

Speaker 4 Almost.

Speaker 3 Hurry. Hey, listen.
I know this has been a time we've been going non-stop for weeks now, but we're making a lot of progress.

Speaker 8 I know, Casper, it's just planet after planet. I know.
That waiter you just yelled at is just like Fiona. Someone fucked with his brain.

Speaker 3 If we try to save everyone, we end up saving no one.

Speaker 8 I know.

Speaker 8 Why did you need me on this mission again?

Speaker 23 According to Leaf, the holding cell for the refugees is hidden behind the broiler in the huge kitchen back there.

Speaker 3 And I have no idea what a broiler looks like.

Speaker 23 And I've never been in a kitchen.

Speaker 44 I see.

Speaker 8 How am I getting in there?

Speaker 3 Leaf will give me the signal and then you make your move.

Speaker 8 You're going to create some sort of ridiculous distraction. Who me? Fine.

Speaker 8 It looks like the entrance to the kitchen is over there. I'm going to get in position.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 23 Walk in a very wealthy fashion.

Speaker 8 Sure.

Speaker 23 How's she doing?

Speaker 3 She's struggling.

Speaker 3 She's planet after planet of these brainwashed earthlings. I'm not sure how much more she can take.

Speaker 23 It's not like we saved everyone in the triad. She'll be fine.

Speaker 3 People in the triad can take care of themselves. They've got free will.
They've got self-determination. These people are literal prisoners.

Speaker 3 I don't know that anyone else is ever going to blow through this galaxy and free them. I think she may see us as their only shot.

Speaker 23 Her wanting that doesn't make us suddenly able to do it. I know.

Speaker 3 Getting that message across has been a challenge, especially with Kazi around.

Speaker 23 Wouldn't it be great to be like the people in this restaurant?

Speaker 23 Super rich, disconnected from reality, insulated from any problems by bajillions of dollars?

Speaker 3 That would be something.

Speaker 3 Hey.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 3 Something's going on with you.

Speaker 23 What do you mean?

Speaker 3 Something's going on with you, and you think nobody can tell.

Speaker 3 Guess what?

Speaker 23 Don't do the thing where you act like you know me. I'm not acting.

Speaker 23 Present your evidence, please.

Speaker 3 I don't need to. Something's been going on ever since Marguerite walked out of the paradise.

Speaker 3 Did she get into your head about something

Speaker 29 no Ava

Speaker 23 there's one more question

Speaker 23 okay

Speaker 23 why

Speaker 4 why what

Speaker 23 why anything

Speaker 4 ah

Speaker 3 Why is there something instead of nothing? I've been hearing that a lot lately.

Speaker 23 Yes, the meaning of everything.

Speaker 23 It's necessity.

Speaker 3 Everything?

Speaker 27 Yes.

Speaker 3 All the universe is the whole shebang.

Speaker 3 Yes. What it all means.

Speaker 23 What it all means.

Speaker 3 I thought that was Effie and Zebulon's department.

Speaker 23 Faith is their department. You have faith when you can't confirm things.

Speaker 3 Can't everything exist just because it exists?

Speaker 23 Yes. But if that's true, someone should confirm it, don't you think?

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 4 Good luck.

Speaker 23 Thank you.

Speaker 3 You know, you're never in a hurry.

Speaker 3 But when it comes to these big cosmological questions, it's like

Speaker 3 you're in a hurry.

Speaker 23 I have never been in a hurry in my life.

Speaker 3 Okay, I don't want to act like I know you or anything.

Speaker 23 In about a billion years, the Milky Way is going to collide with Andromeda.

Speaker 3 That sounds like it's going to be messy.

Speaker 23 It's going to make one great big mess of a galaxy. And in this super big gulp of a galaxy, people will do the same thing they do now.
Build great big telescopes and look up at the sky.

Speaker 23 They'll be able to see nebulae and black holes and all that stuff.

Speaker 23 But in a billion years, if they turn those big telescopes around and try and see other nearby galaxies,

Speaker 23 they won't see anything.

Speaker 4 What do you mean?

Speaker 23 A billion years in the future, the expansion of the universe will have increased so much that light from distant galaxies won't be able to reach us in time.

Speaker 23 A billion years in the future, the people living in the Milky Way Andromeda Combo Galaxy will think they are the only galaxy that exists.

Speaker 23 They won't be able to see the faint light of the Big Bang. They won't be able to see the map of the cosmic microwave background.
They'll just be a galaxy in an ocean of darkness.

Speaker 23 There'll be ancient books and stories about how scientists used to be able to see the beginning of the universe, but it'll all be theoretical. It will feel like a myth.

Speaker 23 The lights are always going out, Casper.

Speaker 23 I'm running out of time.

Speaker 23 So

Speaker 23 keep bringing me pencils.

Speaker 4 Okay, I will. Casper, I'm almost ready.

Speaker 3 Okay, what do we decide on again?

Speaker 35 Billy Rose. Got it.

Speaker 11 Oh, we are in for a treat, aren't we, Brian?

Speaker 4 Yes, we are, kitty. As we all know, Casper and Leif spent a few years in the diner, just the two of them, and in the process came up with some standard schemes for getting out of a jam.

Speaker 16 That's right.

Speaker 14 We've seen Floor Islava, we've seen Colorado Southpaw, and we've seen Huell Hauser.

Speaker 4 Looks like we're about to see another.

Speaker 10 Brim, I'm getting word that this particular maneuver is called, I'm gonna fight you, Billy Rose.

Speaker 23 Let's watch. How come these plans of yours always involve you humiliating yourself?

Speaker 3 Don't act like you don't like it. Me humiliating myself is our love language.

Speaker 23 Our what?

Speaker 19 Light it up.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna fight you, Billy Rose.

Speaker 4 Saturday night,

Speaker 4 11 o'clock. Billy Rose.

Speaker 4 Glorious, that's your cue. Billy Rose, you took all my corn dolls.

Speaker 4 Gloria,

Speaker 28 can you hear me? That's your cue.

Speaker 8 Yeah, Lafe. I kind of caught on that was my cue.
Who the hell is Billy Rose?

Speaker 4 No idea.

Speaker 8 This kitchen is like a museum.

Speaker 6 Apparently, shutting off the gas to the broiler triggers the secret door.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 44 Okay, here's the broiler.

Speaker 4 Nice.

Speaker 28 I'll be out front in no time.

Speaker 8 Hang on.

Speaker 8 What's up?

Speaker 8 Time is of the essence, Gloria.

Speaker 8 Gloria?

Speaker 47 Holy shit.

Speaker 47 What?

Speaker 8 They've got a fucking zoo back here.

Speaker 4 Seriously? Oh my god.

Speaker 6 They've got a bestiary of endangered species?

Speaker 28 Yes.

Speaker 19 And then they just grab a live one and they...

Speaker 4 This planet sucks. Yeah, it does.

Speaker 8 I can't just leave them here.

Speaker 28 You definitely can't.

Speaker 8 What am I supposed to do? Well,

Speaker 6 it would be a great way to cover your exit.

Speaker 47 Fuck it.

Speaker 4 Hold on to your hat, Kenny.

Speaker 14 Graham, it is gonna be like the ending of Jumanji in here.

Speaker 4 For those of you watching at home, there's a whole pack of African wild dogs Gloria just set free, as well as nine black-footed ferrets, a Galapagos penguin, three red pandas, a giant tortoise, a flock of sage grouse, and ooh boy.

Speaker 4 Bram,

Speaker 4 that

Speaker 14 is a gorilla.

Speaker 4 That is a western lowland gorilla, kitty. And he looks like he's about to go down on his former captors like they're a pile of bamboo shoots.

Speaker 23 Uh, Gloria, the restaurant just turned into the beginning of the Lion King.

Speaker 8 Ava, you and Casper evacuate with everyone else and head back to the diner.

Speaker 33 We're going to need some more room in the van.

Speaker 31 Why do we need more room in the van?

Speaker 8 Just get here, Leif.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 8 Go get him, big guy.

Speaker 24 You're cutting it pretty close.

Speaker 31 We're coming up the sidewalk right now.

Speaker 3 The sidewalk? Hey! Where's the car Leaf was supposed to steal? They're on their way. Gloria told us to walk back.
Why?

Speaker 22 Here we go.

Speaker 22 All right, everybody. Let's move.
We're running late. Head into the diner, then straight back to the deep freeze.
That's where we're keeping everybody. And yes, the deep freeze is safe now.
Let's go.

Speaker 22 Let's go.

Speaker 23 Leave. Why did we have to walk?

Speaker 47 My feet are killing me.

Speaker 4 You're going to love this one.

Speaker 4 Gloria? What?

Speaker 20 Gloria, what's in the cage?

Speaker 10 Don't worry about it.

Speaker 10 Gloria. Snow leopards.

Speaker 4 Snow leopards.

Speaker 8 Shut up. I'm putting them in the deep freeze.

Speaker 10 Gloria? Shut up.

Speaker 4 So I feel like Gloria needs a break. Uh-huh.
Mind pitching in on the next one? No problem. Great.

Speaker 6 David, where are you guys?

Speaker 22 We're inside the hall. Some sort of meeting is about to start.

Speaker 6 Okay, so this is basically planet patriarchy. They're keeping everything stuck in its place by denying women the right to vote, etc.
Technology is looking circa 1915, David, so keep your phone hidden.

Speaker 6 And your gun. Also, I'm renewing my objection to you carrying a gun.

Speaker 4 Objection denied. Fine.

Speaker 6 You're at a meeting of suffragettes right now, and we think the refugees are in that building somewhere, so you know the drill. Either wait for a distraction or create one yourself.

Speaker 4 Got it.

Speaker 6 Michael Waynes, please keep David from doing anything stupid.

Speaker 13 Casper, do you want to stop fussing about?

Speaker 6 I will actually not stop fussing about.

Speaker 34 Thank you. May I suggest a jigsaw puzzle?

Speaker 6 I'll keep him calm, guys. Good luck.

Speaker 22 Thanks for pitching in on this one.

Speaker 3 Everyone's really exhausted.

Speaker 30 It's no problem. I've been down in the deep freeze so long, it's nice to not be wrapped in a puffy jacket for a minute.

Speaker 22 How's your head these days?

Speaker 16 My head.

Speaker 30 You mean my head that was surgically altered by some sort of malevolent force when I was a baby to get to think and feel everything against my will?

Speaker 4 Yes, that one.

Speaker 30 Fine, I guess.

Speaker 18 You're doing real well, Fiona.

Speaker 34 Effie and I both feel that your assistance over these past few weeks has been just what the situation has called for.

Speaker 4 Oh, that's nice.

Speaker 22 I can't believe we made it this far. I think we're only a couple of stops away from getting all the refugees.

Speaker 4 Are you

Speaker 4 having fun?

Speaker 22 Look, I know it's pretty grim out here, but for a former runaway who has a problem with authority,

Speaker 4 it's not that bad.

Speaker 30 You're carrying a gun around now?

Speaker 48 I'm sorry.

Speaker 22 Are you referring to Rihanna?

Speaker 30 You named your gun Rihanna.

Speaker 22 Yeah, of course I did.

Speaker 30 How do you just jump into things? I've been constantly terrified for weeks.

Speaker 22 That's how I've always been. To live is the rarest thing in the world.

Speaker 1 Most people exist.

Speaker 22 That is all.

Speaker 4 What a waste.

Speaker 30 That's very wise.

Speaker 4 Thanks.

Speaker 22 It was told to me by a drag queen named Eden de Pousset.

Speaker 22 I just took a look around and I thought to myself,

Speaker 22 you know what the multiverse needs?

Speaker 47 Uh, gay Buck Rogers.

Speaker 12 That's right.

Speaker 7 I think that's what I need.

Speaker 30 I need some sort of a thing.

Speaker 47 I have no idea who I am.

Speaker 30 Everything's been piped into my head. I need to figure everything out.

Speaker 30 Like, literally, everything. Your dad asked me if I wanted some cream in my coffee, and I had no idea.

Speaker 15 I just

Speaker 49 feel like a blank slate.

Speaker 22 Take your time with it.

Speaker 4 You'll get there. The world is really good at letting you know what you like.

Speaker 30 If you say so.

Speaker 32 Let's bring this meeting to order. Settle down, everyone.

Speaker 32 We gather here today not as mere women asking for a favor, but as American citizens demanding what is rightfully ours.

Speaker 32 For too long, we've been told to be patient. To wait our turn, to trust that men, our fathers, husbands, brothers, would represent our interests in the halls of power.
That time of patience is past.

Speaker 4 Look around you.

Speaker 32 We women maintain the homes, educate the children, work in the factories, tend to the sick, and contribute to every aspect of society.

Speaker 32 Yet when laws are made that govern our lives, our property, our children's futures, we're told to remain silent. They say we're too emotional, too fragile to understand politics.

Speaker 32 But I say there's nothing so fragile as a nation that fears women.

Speaker 32 Tonight's meeting is an open meeting. We'll leave the microphone on, and anyone who wishes to speak, feel free and step up to the podium.

Speaker 4 David. Yeah? Get me up in front of that microphone.

Speaker 22 I think we're supposed to be keeping a low profile.

Speaker 13 And I think you're supposed to be doing exactly what I tell you.

Speaker 4 Okay, okay.

Speaker 47 Here we go. What should I do?

Speaker 22 Stay here. It'll be fine.

Speaker 22 Hello, everyone.

Speaker 22 This may seem a bit weird, but I have a message here that comes

Speaker 22 all the way from Arkansas using the power of technology.

Speaker 22 Hello, there, ladies. I'm Effie Mucklewayne here with my husband, Zebulon.

Speaker 35 Evening all.

Speaker 4 Well, I'll be honest, y'all.

Speaker 18 I stepped up to the microphone without knowing what I'll say, but that's not a new feeling for me.

Speaker 18 I myself am a Baptist minister, and speaking in front of folks is as simple as breathing in and out for us. Carpe podium, we like to say in our house.

Speaker 18 I suppose I am here with you today to bless your endeavors.

Speaker 17 I find them inspiring.

Speaker 18 The Lord provides but still leaves so much work for us to do, doesn't he?

Speaker 18 When we struggle for freedom, it is never a struggle to gain new ground, but rather to reclaim that which was taken from us.

Speaker 18 We struggle not for a new world, but for the world in its true form to cease from being obscured.

Speaker 18 The untainted world, the unobscured world, is as perfect as a newborn space.

Speaker 18 And it is the charge of evil, avarice, and fear to make that world invisible to us, to make us forget what we have been given by the movements of grace.

Speaker 18 Also, y'all, it pains me to say it, but I believe I have come here this evening with an apology.

Speaker 18 For that evil, that avarice, that fear, it has at times found an ally in the church where we have happily called our home.

Speaker 18 Too many times has the war against a woman's freedom been framed as a holy war, and too many times have those who wield shackles and batons claimed they were men of God.

Speaker 18 As we work here tonight to unobscure the world's perfection, let not that work cease at the steps of our holy places.

Speaker 18 For surely the light of justice seeks out every corner, reaches beneath each stone.

Speaker 18 So, I stand here with you tonight, not with a church looming behind.

Speaker 18 I stand here with Mary,

Speaker 47 with Ruth, with Hagar.

Speaker 18 I stand here with y'all.

Speaker 18 I offer my blessings and my adoration.

Speaker 4 That was lovely.

Speaker 22 Damn, Matthew.

Speaker 3 Oh, shit.

Speaker 4 Trouble. What's up?

Speaker 4 All right,

Speaker 22 Cops are here. They're trying to break up the meeting.

Speaker 4 We were being perfectly peaceful in here, and along comes this thuggery.

Speaker 22 Hard to have nice things.

Speaker 3 Actually,

Speaker 6 if we're keeping with Earth history here, you might be in for a bit of a surprise.

Speaker 4 What?

Speaker 4 What the fuck?

Speaker 28 Suffragitsu. What?

Speaker 6 The suffragettes eventually got sick of being pushed around by the police, so they all started taking jujitsu lessons. They nicknamed it Suffrage and started tossing around police like sacks of flour.

Speaker 7 It's like a scene from a roadhouse in here.

Speaker 13 Well, dang it if that ain't a beautiful sight.

Speaker 6 David, I think you guys just got your distraction.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 22 Fiona's in there somewhere.

Speaker 30 David, I really need to get out of this gigantic fist fight I'm trapped in.

Speaker 45 Can anybody hear me? What?

Speaker 50 Okay.

Speaker 50 Oh, shit! In danger of being trampled now.

Speaker 32 Take my hand!

Speaker 15 Okay, let's get you to safety.

Speaker 45 Thank you!

Speaker 4 What's your name?

Speaker 30 Fiona!

Speaker 32 Through this door, Fiona!

Speaker 20 Are you all right?

Speaker 30 I'm okay.

Speaker 32 You're not one of us until you've been knocked down a few times, Fiona.

Speaker 30 I'm not.

Speaker 32 Stay here where it's safe. We'll have them on the run in no time.

Speaker 47 We will

Speaker 4 Hey, there you are.

Speaker 35 Thank goodness you're all right, Fiona.

Speaker 3 Wow, that was crazy.

Speaker 22 Okay, let's use this as our distraction, okay?

Speaker 3 Let's try the stairs over there.

Speaker 22 Fiona,

Speaker 4 I like girls.

Speaker 37 What called it?

Speaker 7 They're beautiful.

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 7 What are they?

Speaker 8 Snow leopards.

Speaker 7 They seem right at home.

Speaker 8 Their natural environment looks a lot like this.

Speaker 8 They're carnivores, but the wolves will make sure they behave.

Speaker 8 I couldn't leave them behind.

Speaker 7 Of course.

Speaker 8 I can't leave any of them behind.

Speaker 7 My father fought many wars in his time,

Speaker 7 but he never fought in the way I've had to.

Speaker 7 He had superior technology and overwhelming forces.

Speaker 7 The war I fought against the Teds was a war of persuasion. It was a war waged in the mind.

Speaker 7 There were symbolic victories, and there was recruitment. I became very good at bringing a wavering soul over to my side.

Speaker 7 I'll spare you all of that, because

Speaker 7 I don't think you need it.

Speaker 7 I'll simply say that this place of yours is a blessing,

Speaker 7 and a blessing denied is a curse.

Speaker 7 I'll also say that you've been given immense power, and power squandered is

Speaker 7 well, it's nothing at all.

Speaker 47 How do we do it?

Speaker 7 That's for later.

Speaker 7 For now, if our headcount is correct, the final batch of refugees will be coming in any minute.

Speaker 7 Let's go and greet them.

Speaker 13 Bram, we've got quite a party developing out in the parking lot, don't we?

Speaker 4 Kidd?

Speaker 28 What we've got here is good old-fashioned shindig!

Speaker 18 Emotions are running high right now as we await what could be the final batch of refugees.

Speaker 5 Life, how are you feeling right now?

Speaker 4 I'm feeling good.

Speaker 21 I'm going to wait until Casper and Ava get here before I start really celebrating.

Speaker 20 I don't want to jinx it.

Speaker 18 Nothing wrong with being cautious.

Speaker 4 Casper, how are you guys doing? We're good, I think.

Speaker 6 We haven't hit any real resistance. Getting to the refugees did involve Ava participating in an axe-throwing contest.

Speaker 4 Axe throwing? Leaf.

Speaker 40 I've given up physics and I'm just doing axe throwing now.

Speaker 4 What kind of car are you driving? I'll keep a lookout. It's a fun one.

Speaker 8 Did you steal an ice cream truck?

Speaker 6 Hey, it was big enough and easy to steal. It involved some crying children, but they'll be fine.

Speaker 8 Please tell me you're wearing the little white uniform.

Speaker 6 No, but Ava is for some reason.

Speaker 23 I'm the good humor man.

Speaker 32 I got beers.

Speaker 32 David, take a beer.

Speaker 4 Thank you. Hey,

Speaker 27 David.

Speaker 43 I want to congratulate you on defying your genetics and being way more useful than your dad.

Speaker 3 And I accept your congratulations.

Speaker 11 Your aim is for shit, though.

Speaker 43 So you and me are doing target practice tomorrow morning. Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 Who else wants a beer?

Speaker 13 Hey, Tita.

Speaker 8 Smooth. Shut up.
Fiona, can you start to do a final count?

Speaker 4 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 43 Hey, you want a beer?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 7 Thank you, Tita. Come here.
What is it? Come here.

Speaker 27 Labuza. What?

Speaker 4 Look.

Speaker 43 The two of you have hardly said a word to each other for weeks, and it's really starting to annoy the shit out of me.

Speaker 43 we're on the brink of victory here can you two suck it up we're sisters we've been through a lot together and the two of you not talking is fucking stupid all right congratulations cost i'm not prepared to celebrate yet you've never celebrated in your life i'm pleased with the results so far what happens next

Speaker 3 who wants ice cream

Speaker 9 Casper, they just left the deep freeze.

Speaker 8 I don't think they want ice cream.

Speaker 4 What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 Everybody loves ice cream.

Speaker 4 Casper, up here.

Speaker 3 Long bomb from midfield.

Speaker 30 Everyone, please stand still while I'm counting you.

Speaker 7 Everyone, can I have your attention, please?

Speaker 7 Let me be the first to welcome you back.

Speaker 7 All of us have endured much, and we have lost loved ones. But against all of the odds, we have found our way back to each other.
I'm very proud of all of you for enduring so much. Excuse me?

Speaker 7 Yes, what is it, Fiona?

Speaker 30 I'm sorry.

Speaker 30 This isn't everyone. Fuck.

Speaker 7 How many are we missing?

Speaker 12 Just three.

Speaker 3 God damn, we were so close.

Speaker 7 Do we know who they are, Fiona? That's the thing.

Speaker 30 It's.

Speaker 23 it's three kids.

Speaker 30 Two sisters and a brother. They're the siblings of someone named Malu?

Speaker 7 We're missing... Malu's family? Yes.
And that's all? Yes.

Speaker 10 That's deliberate.

Speaker 14 I agree.

Speaker 8 Okay, everyone,

Speaker 8 we need you to get back inside right now.

Speaker 12 Let's go. Single file back into the deep freeze, okay?

Speaker 8 What's going on? I don't know. Lafe, get the drones up.

Speaker 44 Okay, Tiva.

Speaker 16 Yeah, I'm ready.

Speaker 43 Nobody stand in front of me. You're going to get shot.

Speaker 13 Well, Graham, that was unexpected, wasn't it?

Speaker 28 Sure was, kitty. The team was about to declare victory, but we're now in a very tense scene.

Speaker 7 What is it, Causie? Malu's siblings have been deliberately held back.

Speaker 23 That doesn't sound like a coincidence.

Speaker 8 No, it doesn't.

Speaker 39 Oh, fuck. Okay, assholes.

Speaker 43 I can't kill all of you, but who's going to die first?

Speaker 38 What are they waiting for?

Speaker 4 What the fuck is that thing?

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 4 God.

Speaker 4 What is that sound? This has turned into a very tense situation, Graham.

Speaker 4 It sure has, K.

Speaker 4 I don't know what these mystery men have got up their sleeves, but it looks

Speaker 3 what happened to them. Muckle Wayne's have gone dark.
What are you doing?

Speaker 4 The benefactor requests your presence.

Speaker 8 I think we'll decline. We go where we want.

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 8 You don't.

Speaker 20 Not great, guys.

Speaker 4 Zebulon. What just happened?

Speaker 8 I don't know. Lafe.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You still have the map where the diner is headed next?

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 8 Has it changed?

Speaker 3 Shit. Hang on, guys.
Come on.

Speaker 22 Come back to me. Can someone just turn them off?

Speaker 4 What is that sound? Fuck. Lafe.

Speaker 21 I've got our next stop.

Speaker 44 What is it?

Speaker 1 It's the egg.

Speaker 20 We're going to their homeworld.

Speaker 7 God damn it. It played right into their hands.

Speaker 3 Why did they wait so long to do this?

Speaker 23 I imagine they've been trying to figure out how to do this to the Mucklewains.

Speaker 7 Then they took Malu's family to their homeworld because they knew that the diner would follow them there.

Speaker 46 They led us right into a trap.

Speaker 49 Anyone hear that?

Speaker 8 Laif, how long until we jump?

Speaker 20 About three hours?

Speaker 21 Plus 12 hours of jump time. We've got about 15 hours to figure out how to get out of this.

Speaker 49 Can I have the radio?

Speaker 38 What is it? I can hear something.

Speaker 47 Okay.

Speaker 8 Shit.

Speaker 7 Any idea? The diner is headed to their home world,

Speaker 7 but the refugees don't have to. I'm going to load the refugees onto our ship and put it in orbit.

Speaker 4 Okay, good. What is it?

Speaker 38 It's very distinct.

Speaker 48 I haven't heard anything like this before.

Speaker 21 You've turned very sharply into we're fucked territory, territory, guys.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 8 Okay, look, everyone gets five minutes to freak out, and then we're getting the refugees off the ship and trying to make a plan.

Speaker 8 Okay, can someone say something that doesn't sound like a death sentence, please?

Speaker 5 Tita?

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 38 Can you bring the Vistec into the diner?

Speaker 4 Yeah, why?

Speaker 38 I'm going to find the Mucklewains.

Speaker 38 American commanders express grave concern about the potential fall of the vital Suez Canal to Axis control.

Speaker 31 Meanwhile, on the Eastern Front, Soviet forces are locked in a bitter urban combat with German armies in Stalingrad, where street-by-street fighting has turned the city into a bloody battleground.

Speaker 2 Thanks for listening to Midnight Burger, y'all.

Speaker 13 Be sure and tune in this time next month for more adventures in the vastness.

Speaker 28 And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

Speaker 4 We open at six.

Speaker 3 Midnight Burger is made possible in part by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters. Wilson, Billy, Bertbert, Bethany, 2 Bethany, Society of Bethany says, Merry Christmas, y'all.

Speaker 3 A non-binary thylacine named Bethany. All the non-binary Brothanese of Princeton, Texas.
Local Marsh Hag offers the NBBs a fully normal apple as an apology for all the antics. You can trust this one.

Speaker 3 All apples glow.

Speaker 4 Mr.

Speaker 3 Squizzle Sizzle Wizzle Fizzle, the horrendous secret co-conspirator behind the long-ongoing Bethany War. Gathering of Bethany's drink from the water hole.

Speaker 4 Oh, Bethany, where art thou?

Speaker 3 Green Mountain Hermit wants that NB Bethany stew recipe. Banjo Bethany begins banjoing belated Bethany battle ballads.
Avenge the stew, dances with Bethanies.

Speaker 3 This episode boldly beckons a bigger batch of brilliant by names brewing a bubbling Bethany stew to broaden the best finale roux. Introducing Reese Ponchiff as the 22nd Bethany.

Speaker 3 The main immortal, Chiel Neal, Sin City Scuba Steve, Polywog, Jinx the judgmental but well-meaning Cat, Michaela White, Wilbur Winklewright, Wristwatch Wrangler of West Worcestershire on the trail of the dastardly Rednell, Gabby Painter is into bootyism, Mr.

Speaker 3 Grin, Glenn Petrosky, Deidre Roberts, Leaf's Orb, the one that got away, Rick Tyler, Elizabeth Hammond, Funch Brunglin, Eric Frias, Steam Vision, conductor of the interdimensional time-spanning hype train, David Harold, Wise Cube, Dirty Diaper Fuss Butt, and the Piggy Runt.

Speaker 3 Bromine, pronounced Bro, Mine.

Speaker 3 Cat Cat, Mother of Pearl, El Chingon, Sealface, Nicholas Waldron, Elmo, Megan's Things, Things Meghan Makes, Shiny Thield, Leah Godard, Magically Maggie, Trebek's Reject, Jeff CC, Matthew with Two T's, The First T is Silent.

Speaker 3 Bith Mithrithith, Rock Naval Flothan, Smearnavlanather, Darth Ox, Aaron Arnold, Bailey Burr, Amanda Tracy, Mama Mander, and Bobo Bonobo, Valen Real, Tooth Fairy, They Paints, Undead Akira, Broom Goddess, Porgatos Pex, Unselling Wizard, Ryan, Thomas's Ten Teneburst Tense Taffel Tippers, Treading Treacherously Tantamount to Telling Totalitarian Trope Termination Tales.

Speaker 3 Babs Got a Basketball Booty.

Speaker 3 Ladies, for your pleasure, Chuck, Naked, The Lovely Lara Lovely, Jeremy Rule, Alex Church, Ahsoa, Gochi, Jacob Mitchell, Zeke in a Box, Stevie Crowhill, How to Get Jack from John, Joshua Soder, Gabba Ghoul, Scrubs Andy, Scratchy Kitty, Just some guy from Adelaide named Ryan, Remy, the the Panda Crew, Melody Prime, Beardo the Wizard, Whiskered, Anne Maestress, Randy Spears, Marissa the Ghost, Local snowplows in your area are dying to meet you.

Speaker 3 Rutherford B.

Speaker 3 Chesterfield and his dapper companion, Winchester, Wolfgang the Incredulous, Andrea Rose, Cheshire Corgi, Old Kelsey, No Shoes, Share Bear1789-0, Zuldia, Little Man from County Down, Jamie the Original, Happy Hippie, Rainy, Sasha, Beth and Alan Van Gillis, Langston North, Sly Fox, Buggy, Timothy Aotis, Chance Wants You to Know He Cares, Cares, Wolf Stark, Adrian Vance, Elliot, Hobbs DeCoe, Alexis Walker, Rory of Yin, Moovie the Golden Calf, Kirion, Giovanni Salinas, Rocky G, Perry the Pirate, Aaron Elizabeth, Kay Narcotics, Solomon Price, Daydream, Angela Sanchez, Bubba485, aka Schemelbach, The Christmas Whale, Kaiju Sommel Ye, Space Rooster Randy, Roosts in Ava's booth, Stella Corvus, My Love of Verge is Undying, Candyman Fight, Sketch Wolf, John Peters, You Know the Farmers, Barkley on the Holodeck, Terrence Johnson, Dapper Dad, ADHD Brulee, SCP-049, O Magis, South Wayne, Michael Laurie, Kelsey Gallagher, TK, Turtle King, Dominique Perry, Space-Based Lasers, Caption B and Lady G with their swabs.

Speaker 3 That's Good Gouda, The Clockwork Vixen, Verge Fangirl, and Designated Midnight Server. Ozneth the Author, Mr.
Steamwave, My Friend the Rhino Says Be Nice.

Speaker 3 Jupiter Defense Squad, Leaf's Lasersaw, Elizabeth T, Gus, Kyler Wren, Coco Yumi, Huggamuffin, Bigfoot of Doom, D.L., Annie Atkins, Crandyman, Garot, Nick Gomez, Cold Blood, The Say of Raw, aka Bleepo Abernathy, Our Cats Said to Tell You, Meow, Lords Kev, Ed, and Brian of the House of Bros, Lord Denham, Jay Schmo, Benjamin Ortiz, Mr.

Speaker 3 Frog President, Alexis Higgins, Abenasso, Mr. Rage, Ada, Spooky Spader, Storytime, Andy, I slit, a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.

Speaker 3 Lizaris, Xavier Killingsworth, Reformed Colonel Reb, Alex Ver, Aaron Starr, Claude de Clause, Rachel Seymour, Chess Alfred, the Bullheaded Professor, Bonjou, E. C.

Speaker 3 Alexandre Laroc, Le Canadien des Seport Emotionale Officiale or Bidenight Burger. For this message in English, press 2.
Chris Janda, Ed Boy, Ryan Finelli, Jonathan Kay,

Speaker 3 Another Monster, Petabyte Avatar, Tugwin the Mighty, Project Octopus, Ken, David Royal, Captain Hambone, King Felix Blaze of the Third Street Saints, Scotty Oates, Iced Heart on Fire, Dan's Grounded Again, Dearest Edna, I fear this poo may be my last.

Speaker 3 Speaku, Nick-Tac-Toe 2.0, Simply Tony, is Hold It Now, Hold It Now hid it a bit or a patron name? Gabriel Castellan, Vahanheim, Jamie the Goblin of Chaos, Whom, what, why,

Speaker 4 where?

Speaker 3 A dubious raptor, a drum major and a trapeze artist walk into Karine's bar.

Speaker 3 Retorted, God is love, love is king, cash green, sir party animal, Byro the motherfucking dragon, leaf of the discord, Uloy Jackal, Cat with a K, Miss Shan Frizzle, Stompenstein says listen to City Pop, It's Great, Luke for Hezekiah, Lachiwawa Brava, Cece Carousel, Korth the Destroyer, Honest Puck, Casper's Mom's a MILF, Scout and Foxglove says the floor is lava, Red Nell, Kurdomsky, Craig Armstrong, Dulcet DeLeche, Zachary Langmerer, Get Out of My Booth, Bug, Sad Angry Crab Man, Chuck McFinley, Hazel Hayes, Velocity Girl 42, Little Dragon, Ben Carlisle, Freedom Rocks, The Pop Can Sally Quartet, Anna Kearney, Ashley Strange Lilia, The Four Schnauzers of the Apocalypse, Starblaze Burnbright, Imzukioki, Jean-Luc Gabot, Doc Sweet, Ph.D., Lonely Isle, Chris Hinkle, Pike Man Stover, Sernoculus the Space Knight, Scrizzles, Thwap, Casey Judson, Kitty Kitty Kitty, The Firekeeper, The End is Nigh,

Speaker 3 Jeremiah the Cancelled, Poet Without a Name, Brian Collins, Spike and Faye, Johnny Ellen West, The Sketch of Otaku Gang, Wolf, Drake Elias, Fermi's Paradoxans, Speckled Unicorn, Jedi Rides Again, Tevin Longblade's Longblade's Short Sword, Impatiently Waiting for the TARDIS, Forget Normal, A Diome, David Chapman, C.J.

Speaker 3 Johnson, Derek Abadaka, A Dragon Sitting on its Horde of Dice, Wendell Whitaker, Smivey, Glow Bed Roulette, Andrew Fuller, Danon Deb, The Soup Witch, Fetuscini Alfredo, Amalgamous Pax, Pebbles, Heathen King, Effie Rowlings, Megan Hazen, Nick Borough, Midnight Plumber, Mr.

Speaker 3 Cherry, International House of Yearning, Cynical Warlock, Wayne Heiser, Elizito, Slev of Mahomet, Umbra Mesaram, Camin Micah, Omi Gracie, Jade Blade, Kevin Daughtry, Adam Wolf, Martin Deers, Intropy Eigenbasis, Robert Savat, Drink Spiller, Matt B., Richard Ryan Moshell, Theodore and his son Henzo, D.

Speaker 3 Flower, Kella T. Arena, Fall of the Berlin Wallaby, Parmesan Goose, Jen Rhodes, Kevin Lutra, Lauren Mayer, Jake the Cook, Alan Berglund, Dylan Winslow, V.
Greenlee, Courtney Morris, Ryan Abbey.

Speaker 3 I hope something good happens to you today. Yes, you.

Speaker 3 Wasabi Lube Moonshine, Wasabi Lube's Mom, Turtle Boy, Arwen the Freer, Fridge Pickle, Jacqueline Snyder, Basil Inner T, Keegan Diamond, Ron Hayden, Dan Gentry, Steven Durow, Whisperdan, Mad Maddox, Kalartin the Tired, a Ted named Todd, Fred and George, Sam the Celestial, Chucklin Charlie's Chicken Shack, Ava Maddox Jr., Cassie Williams, Yeet My Boy, 46 Tool Shed 2, The Image Collector, Blended Music, Hazley J, Lizzie R., Definitely Not Kevin, TK Elemental, Push Lynchen, Sitting Squirrel, Patricia E.

Speaker 3 Melt, Red the Gray, Daylen Foles, I Needed Someone to Make the TARDIS Reference, Gregory the the God of Chaos, sitting down to tea with the other beings of chaos, Neverchild, Athanasios Nasir-Shao Kat, Kiboko, Theo, Wilkev, Kozumi, Jonathan Burton, Mr.

Speaker 3 Man and Lady, Joey B., Andy Malik, DJK DJK, Mixed Terran Van Edinger, Sandalwood Mountain, Whimsical Fuckery, the person trying to contact you regarding your diner's extended warranty is having bottom surgery on January 22nd.

Speaker 3 Patricia the Time Lord, Mango Connoisseur, Owen Sucedo, the Big Moose, Glory Cole, Janelle Miaonet's Cat Butler, The Gentleman, Rest in Peace, Dear O'Sheen, Alex Berry, Eden DePoussay, Andrew Oakden, I Only Listen for the Names at the End, Avalon, Asymmetrical Exile, Magpie Cat says everything's a bag of holding if you know how to pack, Eliza Travels the Universe, Mike Anzavino, Lindsey Bowen, The Goddamn Podcast Lawyer, Alex Spence, Galaxy Britches, Angry Ron, Durka Dub, Gloria's ex-girlfriend, Kelly Clickspring, The Wild Thistle, I Hate S'mores, James Harlow, Necro Pants, Salesman of the Year, The Cosmos Cruising Cadillac, I'm Not Joe's Dad, Jasmine James, Dr.

Speaker 3 Caber and Me as a Baby, Anatha, Zandria, Jennifer Culkins, Guacamolio, Midday Burger, Don Parks, Throat Goat666, Princess Leia, Fish in a Bag, Kid Puncher 2006, Pumpkin Spice Monte Cristo, Dustin's Goose, Prime Freak, Walter Piakarski, Droid Pirate Findlay, and His Rubinesque Parrot, Stuck in a Pit of Skittles, Drunken Coyote, The Impersonator known as Hitchhiker's Guide to a Laser Saw, Tony Piakarsky, Adrian R., Phoenix, Kimberderp, Mr.

Speaker 3 Tims, Dead Wait, The Harbinger Pulsar, Kinetic Fox, The Twisted Twixter, Murty's Mama, Faye Queen, Chase Noseworthy, Core, Up Schnarr to the Probability Demolition Expert, Mason Jeffrey Showtime Hester, C.R.

Speaker 3 Ipted, For My Mother, Homer, Are We Doing Crimes? Two Vegetarians and a Toxic Relationship with Burger, CCTX Girl68, Melissa Winskill, Nicole Studioso, Ho Ho Ho,

Speaker 3 Sign my Shovel, A Talking Dog Named Bronk, Just a Potato, Indigo Escargo, Love My Captain, Joe Malma, Castriff, Ames Affection for Internet Protection, Retro MG, Snarky Bark00, The Cowboy, The Gainesville Fear Garden, Abby Kramer, Fresh Baked Lana Banana Bread with Chocolate Chips, Utrid and Rose's Viking Void Vittles, Not Sure What I'm Doing, River Brown, Senor Deuce, Scullacy, Warped Ryder, Tim Nacy, Ruben Clamso, Scrambled Eggs, Morgan Brockman, Sylvie, Charlotte Tobiah, Glennis Thompson, Dustin Watson, Betty White 813, Good Grief People, I Need to Breathe, Starscribe, Lucy and Thunderstruck,

Speaker 3 Homa Mama, Glorb Nar7, Doozer Likes No Thinky, Just Dewey, The Other Adele, Chef Gal Val, Leah Hall, Sarah May, Mr.

Speaker 3 Arnie Arbuckle Sr., The Church Grimm, Sierra Not From Arkansas, Zico, Ebenezer Boob, Shifty Nick Howard's Meme Emporium, Caleb Tumiala, Jason Woods, Arnie Arbuckle Esquire, Jake Cascade, Digital Floof Lost in Time, Potion Maestro, The Milkman, Nebula Nell, Regulators, Mount Up, Mad Yogi Eileen, Mr.

Speaker 3 Nepod, Palace, Rebecca Pope, Ethan Cobb, Big Moe, Brian O'Neill, Edward Pena. I am Annie.
I live forever in every moment I've existed.

Speaker 3 I swear to every star in the cosmos, I never forgot it was a gift.

Speaker 3 The Stone Fox, Sierra Smith, Solivia, Kyle from Detroit, Juiciton, Marauder Mitch and Pandergast, Papitos, Boomhauer, Ninja Grim Reaper, Miles Nelson, prove to me that orange cats aren't gods.

Speaker 3 Ritwards, Ashley Soros, Momo's Mama, Tony Tony Tony, Ivy Paisley, Toast, Sue Watts, Fickle Phil, Myrtle, Caitlin, Leader of the Unicorn Revolution, Mr.

Speaker 3 Trigvy, Printing with Cats, Riley, Khaleesi Del Mar, Dixie Dinah, River Waters, Amanda Noscarella, Jose Zetino, Sonny Stagg, a representative of the Pill Owls, KBS 1017, Silas Vex, Sarah Jack Sparrow, Space Pony, Revibe, Debbie E, Emma, HBD, AJ Edalia Obolewa, Mommy and Daddy Love You, Dusty Ventures, Ronnie Porter, Eagle Rock Lobster, Mary, Like the Virgin, The Phoenix Bird has returned, bringing snow and holiday cheer, Wandering Wenjo, Painted Oni, Q Dell, Pharrell, Betty Hayes and the the B-Team, Emily with two E's, Drousy Rousey, Spaceman Nathan, Ramsey's Niblick III, Kerplunk, Kerplunk, Whoops, Where's My Thribble?

Speaker 3 Mad Goat, Jackie Wavelet, Isza the Straga, D.

Speaker 3 Greitzler, A Gremlin with the Munchies, My Time Has Come, Michelle Scaracchio, Genuine Jacob, Andy's Brain is Weird, Space Rooster Randy Doing Crimes, Leopard Donut, Mellow Nuggets, Keychain Crap, Mat Matt Sharkman, Steelo, Arcadia, Bumbling Lily Bee, Scipio Dudah, Buffy's Daughter, Emeric, Bufardi's Nuts, Panda, Curtis Leleg, Tristan Stoles, Shadow Rapture, Leaf's Bastard Son Brizzo, Hank the Wonder Llama, Russell, Zephyrus Wind, Just a Regular Fox, Jeremy Ibsen, What the Hell, Cineplex, and all the black people in North Carolina.

Speaker 3 Just Rachel, Danger Girl, Atlas Bear, Tora Smash, the podcast for nerdy Jews, Axel, Patty the Ginger, Ava Cigarette Ash, Tim Lynch, Boisenberry, aka The Boys, A, Zeus, Anna Phylxis, Jack's Nightmare, Scav with Comtax, Kennan's girlfriend Brooke, the sub-aquatic goblin says, Joe, you've done it again.

Speaker 3 The Kells, Kells, Jenny on the Blockchain, Angry Leaf's Laser Saw, Keith Collins, Magnus Aerochill, Amy Perry, Christopher Kai, Jeff R., Randy Zamigo, Gremlock, Katie Mermaid and the Delinquent Duo, Nauman, Nicole, WitchyCat13 loves IPAs, unusually big and old, invisible elf penis, Max Danger, Security Chief Shatzi, The Anxious Peach, Team Michelle and Billy, Nea Nix Reno, Robert Frankenberry, High Life, Rear Admiral Jack Inhoff of the USS Rim Job, Honeybee, Nordalbash, Jordan, R1X Belasco, Ryan Rosinski, Average Height, Medium Rage, AudioMonkey, Joe, Team Hefeweisen, Monica and Mason K, Tony Wants to Be Laif, Rowan, The Lady of the Black and Herald of the Stars, Ryan Burnett, Christy Casey, The Timid Ghost 23, Zivia's Mom, Dr.

Speaker 3 Dr.

Speaker 3 B, Zoprez and the Bumble Army, Growing Into My Farm Boots, The Geneva Accords, Rest in Peace, Mikey, Brothers of the Cosine, Uncivil Gnomes, The Rat Queen Evelyn, Great Lunch Conversation, Your Humdinger Moonbringer, Letty Lou, Tibby.

Speaker 3 I'm pretty sure Midnight Burger is just just Taco's Alpaster. Kinger was here.
Bobby Ray Winland Jr. Bebop Bidaba Doo Wop.
Warped Echoes. Lord Robert Otardis.
He's bigger on the inside.

Speaker 3 Jeremiah Franco. Isaiah Coleman says Joe should improv something.
I'm sorry, Isaiah. I left my yes and in the car.
Celestial Warlock, Gabby Hayes, my wigglebuts, Gothic Rainbow, so he made it.

Speaker 3 Kiana Crow urges you to resist.

Speaker 3 Fossil Diver84, Micah Collins, Cody McClure, Eternal Champion, Jingolos, Eris, Goddess of Discord, Hasmatilda, Dissy Bay, Just Your Average Reese, Kyle Church, I Am a Lafe on the Wind, Static Ego, Some Farting Fart Wizard, Lolly, Evan M.

Speaker 3 Dobson, Going to Be Lit, I Am Shaggy, Captain Emerald L, Wayne Hall, Danny Mars, Omega Nye, Frank in a Field, Sally Cell, Seashells by the Seashore, Colorado Southpaw, Fuzzle McBumpernits, Neelix Tiny Wolf, Asher the Raven, Christina Sennett, The Red Planet, Shane Robertson, Definitely Not an Android, Seriously, I'm not.

Speaker 3 The Wandering Welshman, whatever, Tabby, Carolyn Harper, Nikolai Tolkachev, Kappa the Sartorius, Z3DT, Shy Sparrows, BLTN, Scott Gygax, Glenn Morris, Crushable Hale53, Goose, Giga Goose, Damerin the Space Goblin, Locksmith Andy, Iso Pale, Rose Alt, Hopeful Ghost, Nate the Milkman, Mags the Conqueror, Wes and Heather have made it.

Speaker 3 Oh, Laas Car Go, Eric, Katie Kate, Getcha Colonoscopy, It's a Grand Shaw He's Birthday, Victor Cassados, Smiggs, Emily Shmemeli, Work for Melvis, Bohogo, Bye-bye for Jojo, Pogo, that's a no-go, bro.

Speaker 3 Cody Monster. I am lure of the planet, Omicron Percy I-8.
Kneel before your supreme ruler. The Gabber newspaper sounds like a ridiculous name, but they help protect democracy in Florida.

Speaker 3 Taibo, Miss Nixie, Baby Bate and Lee, Kyle Perino, Ember King, Sid the Sloth on a Bike, Priya Gandhi, Wandering Mermaid, understands the assignment. Lil Stevie Pie, return to Sender.

Speaker 3 Two Polar Cat will be back soon. In the meantime, take care of yourselves.
War rages on, but the stars continue to shine. Carl, the teller of dad jokes, at least six gyms.

Speaker 3 Skylab's multi-dimensional, multiphasic, intergalactic quantum cyberverse.

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Speaker 3 Matt N, Julia Kringlin, Freilp, M.

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Speaker 3 Hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hold it now, hit it! Yes, excellent. Now hit it again.
That's a good midnight burger fan.

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Speaker 3 Dr. Lattice Trash Angel says, bedtimes are fake.
We party until dawn. Let's go!

Speaker 3 Guess my brain is weird. Thank you.
Bippity-boppity boom.

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Speaker 3 Anthony, J.

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Speaker 3 Mossy would come up with a cool name, but sadly, she's just Mossy.

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Speaker 4 Word, word, word, word, word, word, word, word, cool, cool, cool, word, word, word.

Speaker 4 Hive.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 3 So we're on page one. We're just going to go for it.

Speaker 4 All right. Okay.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 4 With the pepper. Yeah, with the pepper.

Speaker 30 Hey, Tita.

Speaker 4 That was perfect.

Speaker 28 She just figured it out.

Speaker 47 She's not going to be good.

Speaker 4 Perfect.

Speaker 23 In about a bajillion, nope.

Speaker 3 In exactly one bajillion years.

Speaker 3 I think, again, I'm always going to push for the

Speaker 3 Wilhelm screen from Betty.

Speaker 3 I'm not using the Wilhelm screen.

Speaker 3 First of all, it's expensive. Second of all, no.

Speaker 4 So there.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 3 Shelly, are you okay?

Speaker 4 Yes.

Speaker 4 Okay. Sorry.

Speaker 3 I heard a big thump noise and I saw, I felt it looked like your closet was eating you for a second.

Speaker 30 No, my, my,

Speaker 48 I mean, it's a possibility.

Speaker 1 She's like, did she find Narnia?

Speaker 32 I do so much at that office.

Speaker 44 I handle payroll.

Speaker 32 I train the new hires. I water the plants.
And it feels like nobody's even notices.

Speaker 3 Try that again.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Nobody's even notices.

Speaker 3 Nobody's even noticed.

Speaker 4 Nobody's even noticing.

Speaker 12 Welcome back, everyone. I'm Kitty Caldwell here with Bram Frampton, and we will be your host for this most anticipated event in the multiverse.

Speaker 4 Welcome back, everyone. Damn.

Speaker 10 Okay, fuck this.

Speaker 10 There's your Vicky Lawrence blooper for everyone.

Speaker 3 All right, so Aubrey, you might want to try turning off your camera, and that would reduce the amount of data that needs to come from you to us.

Speaker 47 Okay, well, I think that's kind of rude, but.

Speaker 4 Listen,

Speaker 3 I hate it, but this is what happens.

Speaker 23 What it all is. Sorry, I have to do that again.
My stomach rowls.

Speaker 23 Can I take it from the bottom of 39?

Speaker 3 Cosmic questions make me hungry.

Speaker 40 Oh, my God. Okay.
Can I don't give me the line again, Catherine?

Speaker 4 Can I get the line again? Are you sure we don't seriously?

Speaker 21 You want me to give you the line again?

Speaker 20 That's your cue.

Speaker 3 Billy Rose, you took all of my corn dogs.

Speaker 4 Am I better?

Speaker 14 And right

Speaker 10 they were to participate, it...

Speaker 33 Can I start this one again? Yeah.

Speaker 11 Effie came in too hard on that one.

Speaker 4 She's taking over.

Speaker 23 So I guess it's a good thing you're here, Sonny the Stack.

Speaker 18 The Fable and Folly Network, where fiction producers flourish.

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