Joe Plays D&D With Dumbgeons and Dragons!

Hey, everybody, it's Joe, and I am here with my friend Russ.

Hello, Russ.

How are you?

I'm doing very well, Joe.

It's lovely to be here.

I did something the other day that I had not done since I was 13 years old, Russ, which was, of course, I played Dungeons and Dragons.

You did, and you did so well, considering that it's been since you were 13.

It was since I was 13 years old.

And you, on your show, Dungeons and Dragons, you said, Hey, come on the show.

And I said, Russ, you don't understand, I haven't played since I was 13 years old.

And you said, great.

That's perfect.

That's the exact person we want is the one who said, hey, I love this as a kid, but because I'm an adult, I don't play games anymore.

That's right.

I do much more mature things like make audio fiction podcasts.

That's right.

That's right.

So you asked me to come on your show, Dungeons and Dragons, came on the show, had a great time.

We are going to drop the, I was on for three episodes.

Yes.

And we are going to be dropping the very first episode on our feed on the midnight burger feed right now for people we are we hope you enjoy uh i we certainly had a great time doing it um

tell us about tell tell the lovely uh dinersons about uh about dungeons and dragons Yes.

So Dungeons and Dragons is a D D actual play podcast.

And I know that sometimes scares off a lot of people because they're like, oh, they roll dice.

Oh, they look up rules.

Oh, they take bathroom breaks.

Hey, don't worry.

We edit most of that stuff out.

So it is very much a

closer to a

scripted.

It's not scripted.

It's improvised.

But it's more narrative all the way through, less stop-downs, a lot of fun, a lot of goofs,

a lot of laughs.

It's comprised of myself and four of my best friends, Amy Tom, Carla, and Kyle.

And

we have been playing

this show since the dawn of time, 2017,

which feels like forever ago.

But season three, which is part of what these episodes are part of, is an entirely new story.

So when you go over to the feed and you're like, wow, there's 250 plus podcasts, just start at season three.

In fact, start at Joe's episodes, which are episode 15, 16, and 17 of season three.

So we're playing episode 15 for you.

And then when you're hooked, you can go back and listen to the entire story, which is amazing.

It is.

It is.

It's a lot of, it really captures like the TTRPG podcasts that I think really excel are the ones where it just does feel like

some friends hanging out with each other.

Yes.

And it really was.

I felt like

I only knew you in that group.

And by the end, I felt like these were my best friends in the entire world.

I think part of that is just being Canadian, but also part of it is because it was really a nice place to be, you know?

And I really did, you know, I didn't, because I didn't know anything, I asked you to sort of make the character for me.

And she's like, just give me the character and I'll do whatever you give me.

And I really did appreciate the number of axes that I was given.

Yes.

I was given, I played a character named Rin Kip Selador, who carries a sum total of four axes.

with him.

Four axes.

Only has two hands, which is an important thing to clarify in Dungeons and Dragons because he could have more.

But more axes than you have hands to actually use them.

That is true.

Four, you know, two hands, four axes can't lose.

That was my

theory for the game.

But yeah, listen, I had a really wonderful time doing it.

And I hope that everyone listening enjoys the episode.

So this is the first of the three episodes that I was in.

So you can check out all three of those are now out on the feed.

And you can and you can go and also just, you know, go crazy.

Start from the very beginning.

Go nuts.

Go back to the dawn of time, 2017, and listen to all of them if you like.

Please do.

Please do.

It's a really wonderful show, and I had a fantastic time.

So

thank you for, again, for inviting me on, Russ.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you for coming.

Yes, and we'll have you back as we need more axes.

Joe will be making other appearances, I'm sure, in the future.

Have axe will travel.

Exactly.

And so, again, that's Dungeons and Dragons, D-U-M-B, Dungeons and Dragons.

That is available anywhere you get your podcasts, everybody.

All right, without further ado, here it is, a fun episode of Dungeons and Dragons.

Aladin, you have your head stuck firmly into a hole.

Yep, that sounds like me.

Deep within the tunnel system that you have found under Vintersmith.

What?

The tunnel systems under Vintersmith?

I've been playing this wrong the whole time, you guys.

It's been air tunnels in Amy's mind the entire time.

You have just stumbled across, well, what was at first a sound, some hammering, some grumbling down at the end of this tunnel, which was very unusual because you haven't run into anything or anyone down in these tunnels.

You

peeled back the rubble and the debris that was around this hole, and you stick your head through, and you now see a city underneath the ground, dimly lit with uh

goblins

it's dimly lit with goblins

these are glowy goblins they're incandescent goblins

they're all stuck up on the wall they have a certain bioluminescent i was just gonna say yes uh they're in fact their clothing is bioluminescent moss which is why it's dimly lit by goblins.

I've been to that rave.

Behind you is your dear friend friend Tally, who's trying to pull you back and saying,

what do you see?

What do you see?

Goblins.

Goblins.

Goblins, we got to get out of here.

Shh, we got to get out of here.

Quiet.

Okay.

I just want to stay a little bit longer and see what they're doing.

Okay.

Quieter.

Your breathing is so heavy.

Hold your breath, Dad.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'll be quieter.

You sit around for a moment watching and what first is

quite a busy city.

You see a lot of goblins moving to and from different structures down below becomes eerily quiet after a quick moment.

I can hear your breathing even better.

I thought I was holding my breath.

Do I see anything?

And like, like, did everyone just stop what they're doing and like

turn to look at something that isn't me?

Any goblin who you did see almost disappeared from view.

Tally, they're gone.

Where do they go?

I don't know.

Make a perception roll.

Eeny, meeny, miney.

Rolling dice, guys.

Buckle up.

It's going to be that kind of application.

Shit, I didn't even roll it into the giant space.

I have to roll it.

Ooh.

Hold it.

Oh, plus zero.

Come on now.

12.

You listen very intently, and then you hear the sound of a pebble or a stone rolling down the wall behind you.

I want to do one of those slow turns, you know, like

the, oh no.

That's what I want to do.

Yeah.

You turn around and up on the walls above where the tunnel is, you see goblins coming out of different crevices, surrounding you and pushing you back towards the hole that you were looking in.

I think we should have run.

Dungeons and Dragons is a DD fifth edition actual play podcast, and I'm your dungeon master, Russ Moore, he him.

Also with me today is Amy Moore as Aladen, she-her.

Are you gonna eat us?

Nom nom nom nom nom.

Carla Maxtead as Bonwyn Everbane, she-her.

They're scrappy little street kids.

They don't really want to like hang out waiting for adults.

Tom Laird as Kavlarin Goldweave, he him.

That's not checking out either, so I've got more work to do still.

Kyle Classett as Bazard the Wizard.

He him.

Don't spend the night or go on an overnight adventure with him, because that's even worse.

With special guest Joe Fisher from Midnight Burger as Rin Kip Selvador, he him.

He's invested too much of his energy in his facial hair just generally as a human being.

Dungeons and Dragons is a Patreon-supported podcast, and we'd love for you to join us over there.

Patreon.com/slash dumbdragoncast.

Exclusive content, amazing community, and merch.

Come on over.

And now, fuck it.

Let's play.

Back up in Vintersmith.

We are in the hot block.

And Bonwin, it's been a couple days since you've returned from the last adventure that you've been on.

Here's been a lot of reflecting.

You and Cav and Bizard were driven out by a creature down deep within the Mi Mountains who chased you out in an epic elevator race.

You've returned home and Aladdin wasn't there, which was the reason that you originally went on this journey.

And you haven't seen or heard from them since.

Ignatius has hired basically every guard, everybody who has any authority in the town to try and find Karis,

which was the pseudonym that Aladdin was going by.

Not by choice.

There are...

Because Igatius decided that's what her name was.

That's just a matter of time.

And assigned to

the entire city looking for her.

That's like Aladdin's worst nightmare.

Yeah.

They're ruining everything.

Damn, grown-ups.

There are signs up on mailboxes, signs up on walls with milk cartons.

Milk cartons with a poorly drawn image of

Aladdin.

In fact, so poorly drawn that Aladdin has a mustache and large muscles.

Wow.

Ignatius has no idea what this kid looks like.

That's me flexing my big Aladen muscles.

What does Bonwyn do?

Or what does Bonwyn want to do in this situation?

Because it seems like there's a bit of an affinity that you struck with Aladdin when they broke into your establishment.

Yes.

Wandered into to take a look at like you're making a just innocently crawled in through a tunnel.

I mean, whatever.

However you want to phrase it.

I mean, I am

concerned, but A, happy that she didn't go on that adventure because it was,

there was no food and it was all terrible and no, no riches, nothing.

There was no benefit.

So I'm glad she didn't do that.

I think that I am concerned about her, but not overly because I know just from when we met, she's very resourceful.

This is just like her life.

So I don't need to put my savior helmet on or anything.

I am very hopeful she will come back.

I'm keeping my eyes out for her.

I'm actively looking for her when I leave Everbanes, but otherwise, like, I'm

hopeful she will come back to me.

You find yourself later that evening down at the Brood Awakening, which is the local gastro pub.

Kevlarin

is there and has been there talking to Bench, and Bizard enters shortly after you do.

And the three of you catch each other's eye and bench calls you over and says hey bonwin what can i get you um

you know just like a lager

if you're dying

great yeah just something kind of refreshing you know i can put the put some citrus in it oh that sounds great great yeah wow you have citrus no uh but i will i will find some Give me a moment.

I'll be right back.

No, I'll just take the lager.

That's perfect.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

He grabs a glass and then he walks out the back he'll be back in a moment still going for that citrus what's my layout like are cav and um bizarre together or have we all just serendipitously entered at the same time this happens so often in d

bizard would probably be wanting to talk to cav about some you know

being uh and what's the title an inquisitor or

auditor

auditor thank you it's so much friendlier than yeah yeah the inquisitor really sounds like I'm up to no good.

So I think Bizzard would want to talk to an auditor and get like, you know, like the inside scoop on things because he did have to help his dad a little bit in Kingston with some of the tax stuff and making sure the business is okay.

But he didn't really understand any of it.

He was just like, I just need to send money.

So I feel like we'd probably be chilling, having a drink, and just like chit-chatting about the businesses around town and what you're up to.

Yeah.

Nice.

Then if they're sitting together, I'm going to go over when I get my drink back.

Hopefully, that's just a beer.

Hey, you guys.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, absolutely.

Grab a seat, please.

Nice.

How you guys doing?

You know, after our misadventure and everything,

you know, I got back to the shop and stayed open a

couple of extra hours just in case to make up for it.

So

good call.

Yeah, I

pulled a couple of longer nights myself, and my goodness, did I eat?

I mean, I can eat.

oh i was so hungry i mean as a government employee i just went home

they don't pay me to work out off the clock that's i i can respect that you know yeah

roads not taken am i right bizard maybe right exactly i

just wasn't in the cards for me i was born into this but there was an opportunity to stay in kingston but uh i

I was like, ah, no,

I'm ready to leave this place.

I've seen the good.

I've seen the bad, and I'm ready to see something else.

Well, and you had mentioned, what was the school you went to again?

It was for like knife fighting or it was something Barnhart Swan School of Magic, Fighting, and Dance.

Right, so you were educated.

So it's three items, magic, fighting, and dance.

I thought it was magic, fighting, and dance.

Yes,

some people put a comma there, some people don't.

It really depends on how you approach your curriculum.

So not magic fighting dance.

Well, see, you could do it that way with Figavoo.

Like the kids in the magic program were fighting the dance kids is sort of what I thought.

Well see there's magic fighting and then there's magic fighting and dance and then there's fighting dance.

Is this a Montessori school?

Sorry.

It's very

make your own thing, it seems.

Very just absolutely whatever the kids want.

It's a la carte learning yeah very

free yeah very free form magic dance fighting sure

exactly i mean you know and as a as a blade singer as it's called uh you kind of fall in fall in you get all three

there's a loud crash as the door to the brood awakening is seemingly kicked open and Ignatius comes in and he looks distraught.

Ignatius is one of the nobles who runs the town brothel.

He comes into the center of the brood awakening, and everybody has stopped.

The band that was playing is now silent, and he stands up on top of the bar.

My friends,

Keras has not turned up.

I fear the worst.

Perhaps they are dead.

That's the only explanation.

There's no record of a Karis in this town.

There's no way that our illustrious guard could not have found her.

We'll have a memorial tomorrow.

Wow.

It's really fast.

He gave way on me.

Ignatia, she may have.

I mean, she may have just moved or

moved from Vintersmouth?

The jewel of Lake Lake?

On the River River?

next to the verboten forest

does seem unlikely does it really hid in the highlights here in the shadow of the mee mountain in the shadow of the mee mountains where we just came back and didn't get any treasure ignatius excuse our oh that is the least of our worries one of our adventurers died before it even began

um i think it might just be easier to go along with the memorial i don't then maybe he'll get some closure and we can move on what do you guys think?

Closure is important.

I mean.

Oh my god, I hope I get to go to my own funeral.

I hope you do.

I'm not going to.

Let's make it happen.

The memorial will be held tomorrow.

I have invited everybody in town

who knows.

They tell great stories.

Everybody I met tells wonderful stories of Karis, how they knew her so very well.

Even our former sheriff, Rinkip Selador, who he points over to the corner where there's a...

Well, Joe, if you could describe Rinkip for us as we see him now.

Rinkip looks...

He has a...

He has a handlebar mustache that looks like it's seen better days, which is a metaphor for how the rest of him looks.

He's one of those people who seems to dress the way that he looked 20 years ago.

and just never got the memo.

And

one of those people, you know, he seems to be looking around for something,

but he doesn't know what it is.

And maybe it's his former self or something like that.

Oh, God.

Or maybe his keys.

He's invested too much of his energy in his facial hair just generally as a human being.

Too much time and energy was put into it.

He regrets now that time that he put into the faith.

Like, if only I had focused on other things other than this moustache, then perhaps things would have worked out differently.

Now I'm just the sad guy at the bar, you know, you could have been the mayor.

Thank you, thank you, yes,

it's true.

I feel I've never felt worse for a character I haven't met yet.

Anyway, that's that, you know, that guy.

We all know that guy in that bar, right?

We know that guy.

This guy,

this Rinkep Selador, who was

a former sheriff, so high up in the city.

So high.

Rin Kip, if you could say a few words about Karis.

Is this like a pre-memorial memorial?

This is,

I'm just.

This is the Amuzbush for the memorial.

I felt the moment.

Yes.

I apologize.

So we're doing it right now.

This is a flash memorial, is what you're saying.

This is

apologies.

Everybody invited, Everybody here

is the memorial now.

Everyone starts

to parchment out of their pockets because they've all written a little something.

Ignatius, you just said, we are the memorial.

We embody the memory of Karas now.

Yes.

I agree with you.

Who is Karas again?

Who, just real quick.

Wait.

No, no, no.

Let me tell you more about.

you know what i recall about karas first of all you scared me for a moment yes you know um

i think we can all recall that time

uh that karas got lost in the cave not good with caves we all remember this

uh which is which is odd

because

Where are you going to go?

I mean, you're in a cave.

You go forwards, you go backwards.

It kind of seems

to be only one thing.

I mean, I'm not talking about a maze.

You know what I mean?

You go forward, back.

Not sure how the getting lost thing happens, but it happens.

It happened to Karis.

It's happened to us all.

To the best of us.

To the best of us, the worst of us.

It happens to be a universal feeling getting lost in caves.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Cave of the mind, cave of the soul.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The cave of the mind.

We've all gotten lost in there.

And it's just, it, you know, it makes me think of

better times in the city when,

it was okay to get lost in caves and

everybody felt fine about it.

These days, not so much.

I mean, don't get me started on how things used to be, right?

Everybody knows that.

But Karis,

you know,

they're getting lost in that cave up in the sky now.

And

here's to them.

I say.

Cheers.

Here, here.

Cheers to Karis.

Here, here.

That was so beautiful.

Yes, I agree that it was beautiful.

Thank you.

Anybody else have any words?

What can you say after that?

No.

I mean, this funny.

Yeah,

I really did nail it.

That is true.

It's really easy.

That's right.

I really

brought it all.

Well, I'm going to have my drink.

And I will, I guess, see you all tomorrow.

Just for the first time.

Real quick, though.

This was the memorial.

There's not another thing that's happening.

This was it.

We're just doing this.

That's the memorial.

Well, I mean, it felt good didn't you feel good everybody i mean i yeah i mean you know it was it was natural it was natural is what it was and i don't want to i don't

wasn't forced yeah it wasn't forced was the key not at all

not at all

no no rehearsal no pre-written notes just what you feel in the moment Everybody else can reflect on that.

And he sits down at the bar and slowly sips, looking off into the middle distance.

Now, he didn't actually order a drink.

So whose drink is he drinking?

I think that's mine.

I think that's it's mine.

That's all right, though.

I'm going to have another one.

It was toward the end of it, you know what I mean?

And when you're ready for the break, mostly that's when you're ready for another one anyway, you know, so it's fine.

Yeah.

It's quite biscuit.

This is this brew.

That's on purpose.

That's on purpose.

Don't worry.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes, you are the professional.

That's how they make it.

Yeah, yeah, that's how we make it here.

The brood awakening.

Sure.

Extra saliva.

Bench brings you another drink there, Ring Kip.

Great.

That one's on the house.

That was beautiful.

Thank you.

I mean, you know, if you want me to talk for a drink, I could do that anytime.

Are we still thinking and pondering and remembering?

I'm confused about the schedule of the Flash Memorial right now, but that's okay.

I think it's over.

Is it?

I think it wound down.

I think that was.

It's now over.

I believe it's over.

It's just a literal flash.

Just

like in a flash, it's over.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

It's kind of

real.

sometimes.

It was quick, but it was real.

And yeah.

So here we all are.

Yeah.

We're all the better for it.

Do you want to do you want to come join us, Rainkip, or just I don't know.

Oh, certainly.

Certainly.

That sounds that sounds lovely.

Hello.

Hello, all.

Hello.

Well, you know, Bizarre, but you, have you met Kev Lauren?

I don't think you have.

I don't think

I have.

You're the one who went to that strange school.

No.

No.

No, that was...

Nope.

That was bizarre.

Sorry, that was bizarre.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I get people mixed up sometimes.

I know so many people.

It's hard to keep them straight in my head.

You know everyone in the city, right?

Except, yeah.

So this is this new guy.

He works at...

Well, I mean, I'll let you say what you do with the people.

Well, I mean,

a lot of people don't realize how hard it is to know literally everyone in the city.

It's hard to keep that all up in the open.

Of course it is.

Yeah, fair.

I can remember like five names at all times, and then I blank on everyone.

So I get you.

Yo, I actually come down from Kingstown.

I'm a bit of an auditor, if you will.

That sounds exciting.

Supposed to...

Well, it isn't.

Really?

But, you know, they've noticed up at Kingstown that there's a little more spending going on down here than they can really account for.

So they sent me down to have a look.

Okay.

Where do you think the spending's coming from exactly?

Where's the

city hall?

Yeah, well, the mayor.

Expressly the mayor.

Expressly the mayor.

Yeah.

So you're done.

I guess you know where the spending is coming from.

I mean, so you're headed back.

I haven't been able to prove it yet.

Oh, proof.

That's interesting.

Yeah, they require me to do that as well.

I never did any of that.

We're not going to share.

I'm not sure if you're not.

Okay, proof.

Okay.

Well, maybe that's, I mean, I hate to overstep, but maybe that's why you're not sheriff anymore.

Well, we can go and, I mean, that's a long conversation to have if you really want to get into it.

But listen,

proof is an interesting, because what is proof, really?

I mean, you say something, I say something.

Who do you believe?

I say you go with the guy who has the mustache.

And that's all that's what I did when I was sheriff.

And it worked out fine for a very long time.

You know, I, you know, that's just a good strategy.

My

ironclad record.

Let me ask you this.

How do you, where do you get proof of the

spending?

Well, it's really tedious.

I have to go through a bunch of forms and a bunch of receipts and make sure that they match.

And I haven't found anything yet that

indicates

they're not going to, but I will.

I will.

I'm going to stick with it.

I'm going to find that evidence.

I'll prove it.

Everyone will know.

I mean, the gold fountains, the gold, like the gold everything.

The gold everything.

And the noble side of the river.

I mean, that money's coming from somewhere, right?

And it's not

filtering over to our side of the city.

So.

I mean, the very high taxes could be an explanation, but that's not checking out either.

So I've got more work to do.

Interesting.

It sounds thrilling is what it sounds like.

You know what?

You know, here's the thing is that sometimes, I mean, I'm not saying I did this back in the day when I was the sheriff, but sometimes there would be like a set of records

and then there'd like be, you know, the other set of records.

You know what I mean?

See, I'm currently looking for the other set of records.

I mean, you didn't hear that from me.

What do I know?

Right.

But I'm just saying, I'm just theoretically, if I were to do that, that may be something that has happened once or twice from someone who was definitely not me, right?

That's definitely not something I did.

I've just heard that maybe it's like that.

So

take that, take whatever you, take however you, that however you like to take it.

You know?

I mean, I will take it.

Great.

Ridnkip, you talk in circles, don't you?

Uh, well, you know, it's it stays neat and tidy that way, doesn't it?

Because, I mean, otherwise, I'm just going off in one direction and nobody wants that.

No, that's true.

You got lost in a cave, though.

I should have had you along on that adventure.

Perhaps.

Perhaps Karis would have been there, too.

Is hegnatius goes back to the mainland?

Is he staring off in the middle distance again?

Yeah.

Does this happen a lot?

This happens a lot.

Yeah.

Just don't

spend the night or go on an overnight adventure with him.

that's yeah, I definitely do know

no overnights

if only because of yes, if only because of the night terrors.

Well, night terrors really something.

Wow, oh, and it's non-stop.

Yeah, non-stop night terrors.

Yeah.

Okay, well, that's um I feel like there could there's some sort of some sort of salve for that or something.

Is there no cure for night terrors?

What are you gonna do?

You gotta tie them up at night or something?

Is that what happens?

Well, we didn't.

We kind of it didn't help.

there was still a lot of screaming and oh the scratch

yeah yeah the screaming is what gets you

had to hold them down like the hands and feet right yeah uh-huh

one of the one of those cone of silence spells you know what i mean boom

if only sleep like a baby that is

that would be a good call

kind of taxing but it would do it i i don't know if it's worth it to cast it every night though yeah but i digress sorry speaking of taxing you're looking for the taxes Hey, see how I brought it around?

I talk in circles and I bring it back around.

Exactly done.

Yeah, wow.

Great.

Wow.

You hear some calls from the street.

Street calls.

Very faint, high, like a high-pitched voice.

Bonwin!

Bonwin?

Bonwin!

You guys hear that?

I hear something, yeah.

Yep.

Very high-pitched.

How about you?

Are you Bonwin?

Do you have tiny people searching for you or something like that?

Is there

Bonwin?

Not that I'm

not going to be able to get back.

You head out, and there are two children, one boy, one girl, calling to you, just going up to everybody they see.

Are you Bonwin?

Maybe you?

Could you be Bonwin?

I am Bonwen.

Oh!

I could be, and I am.

Oh, hi!

Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.

We

have an emergency.

Uh, uh, just

days ago, um, uh, Aladdin went into the tunnels, and they said if they ever said if they don't come back, that maybe Bonwyn could help.

Uh, they left this note and said, find Bonwyn.

If I don't come back, uh, and I, then they didn't come back, and uh, uh, problem, we don't, didn't know who you were.

Uh,

so now we know who you are, and now we're telling you what Aladdin and Tally told us to tell you is that they are missing.

Okay, and you said that was several days ago.

Yeah, they were supposed to go on an adventure, but they wanted to go check something out down in the tunnels because they were really, they've been really invested in just hanging out in the tunnels and not interacting with anybody else ever.

Okay, what are your names?

I'm Wallace and this is Dietra.

Hi, Wallace.

Hi, Dietra.

Bonwen.

Could you,

thank you for finding me.

Could you just stay right here just

for a minute?

I'm going to see if maybe

I'm going to come and help find Aladen.

And Tally is with her

pretty soon.

Tally went with her.

Tally went with her.

I'm just going to, I'll be right back.

Please just stay right here.

Okay.

Okay.

Right here?

Right.

Just right.

Yep.

Great.

Okay.

You see them kind of slow sidestepping as you start to walk away.

Okay, if you could just put your hand right here on the side of this building and just keep that, those hands right there,

that'd be perfect.

You got it.

I'm going to go back into Brood Awakening.

Hey, guys, no pressure.

But

Aladen,

you know,

Karis,

is missing.

She's in some tunnels that are under the city.

And I'm going to go try and find her because I'm pretty worried because she's been missing since the day we were all supposed to go on our adventure.

So if anybody wanted to come and maybe help, because I have no idea what's in those tunnels, that would be amazing.

But again, no pressure.

I'm also happy.

Just go on my own.

Totally in.

Business is closed.

So

sure.

Amazing.

That sounds like a good time.

How many axes do you guys have?

Do you guys have enough axes?

I don't have any.

I do not have an axe on me.

Do you?

Okay, well, that's a little weird.

I mean, I have four, so I think we're covered.

Perfect.

Okay, great.

Wow.

Thank you.

That's great.

Sounds like it.

You were ready for this adventure.

So we're covered.

Let's check that off the list.

What else do we need?

We're just going?

We're going right now.

I think we can probably just go.

Let's go.

Right.

That sounds great.

Let's do that.

Great.

First question, where and how do we get there?

Oh, great question.

So there should be some children outside that will hopefully show us the way Aladen goes in, but I'm not entirely counting on that.

They're, you know, these kids, they're scrappy little street kids.

They don't really want to like hang out waiting for adults.

That's plan A.

Plan B

is that there is an entrance to those tunnels at Everbanes, which is how I met Aladin, because she, you know, was exploring one night.

So we have a couple options.

Let's, I'm just going to cross my fingers that the children are still there.

The children still there?

You want want to roll a d20 high they're still there low they're not

it's a 13 oh they're still there uh they have moved down several houses though hands still on the wall uh several buildings uh we we kept our hands on uh you you did technically that is just a row of so you are still technically anyway um

My friends and I are here we come.

We're gonna come help.

Great.

But we do need you to show us us how they get into the tunnel.

Right.

Okay, so Aladen told us to come get you if they get lost, but Aladen has also told us to never show anybody where we live.

Okay, so the entrance is where you live.

Oh, shoot.

No?

Okay.

Yeah, yes, no, yes.

Ah,

teacher, what do we do?

Just tell her where we live.

Just tell her where we live?

Just tell her it's for Aladdin.

Okay,

okay.

It's okay.

I used to be the sheriff.

Oh, you used to be the sheriff.

But this mustache.

Which means I trust

he is trustworthy.

He used to.

Yeah, I mean, do you see?

This is...

The mustache alone.

The mustache.

I trust everybody implicitly with the mustache.

As well, you should.

Yes.

Not enough of that going around.

So good job, kids.

It's what kids need to know is that mustaches equal trusts and absolutely and always have.

So, please lead these complete strangers to your home.

There's no schools here, so

this is the education we get.

That's the education that's right.

Okay, school of hard nuts.

So, can we take our hands?

Can we take our hands off the wall?

You can take your hands off the wall, and we are just gonna follow you.

Okay, keep up, and they run off.

Okay.

Everybody else

chasing behind at your own pace.

We

cut to back down at the tunnels.

Oh my God, I am in this episode.

All right.

Okay.

Aladin, you have been placed inside of a very crudely built cage.

You have were surrounded by these goblins,

and because there were so many of them,

you didn't really put up a fight.

They led you at Spearpoint back down

into the city and put you in this cave, which is right beside some smoldering embers in a fire.

There's you and there's Tally and there's two goblin guards.

They put me in a cage.

Cage.

Okay.

Is the word that I think I said.

Yeah.

Cave was the second one and I was like, hold on.

Is that a cage in a cave?

Cage.

Cage.

Cage.

Cage.

Look at all those caves.

Because of the mine thing has really frickin'.

Joe says cave

like, it's a cave.

There are caves in the tunnels.

It's a tunnel system, which means there are multiple caves.

A tunnel is just many caves.

And you can write that down, kids.

That's science.

Haladin, what do we do?

I'm thinking.

Okay.

Are they gonna eat us?

What?

No.

Why?

Well,

pro

no.

Well,

should we ask them?

Well, I mean, I'm like, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

Hey, hey.

Excuse me.

One of the goblins turns around, comes over to you.

Our big gestures.

Are you gonna eat us?

Nom nom nom nom nom and I point to me and to us

They look at each other

us are you gonna

us?

They turn around and go over to

a table

and they pick something up off the table and they look at each other.

It's Google Translate, isn't it?

And they throw it into your cage.

And rolling towards you is this moldy piece of bread.

That one's all yours, Tally.

Oh, great.

Okay, I don't know if they're going to

feed us, if we're going to eat us.

Well,

yeah, I mean, I don't know if they maybe they didn't understand.

Oh, no, I think they think that we're hungry.

Oh, they think what if we pretend that we're gonna eat them,

okay, yeah, okay, I'll follow your lead because I was kind of scared, yeah, we are in the cage.

I wasn't, well, that's what they think, okay.

Maybe, maybe we can convince them that they are in the cage.

Yeah,

no, this is falling apart already.

A lot of cage and cave work today.

A lot of inner, inner cage, inner cave.

We just swapped the G for the V.

It's just cave of the mind, cage of the mind.

Okay, I don't think that's going to work.

We have to scrap that plan.

Okay, well, do you have anything in your bucket that can get us out of this?

I was just going to say, they didn't take my bucket, and I'm just rummaging through my bucket.

And I come out with a little flathead screwdriver.

Okay.

I'm like, all right.

Okay.

So

with that, it's got a pointy end on it.

Great.

This thing is.

Oh my God, Tally.

It seemed like the next best thing to do.

My God, if we stab them through the cage,

just going to keep us here.

And then we're murderers?

They just tried to feed, like, that was gross, but they just tried to feed us something.

No, I was thinking,

notice how this cage is just held together with like sticks and twine and stuff.

Yeah.

I was just thinking I could use a sharp end of this and just kind of

on the end of the rope.

Okay, okay.

Okay, but you need to make a distraction because there's nothing else in here.

And that's going to be really obvious.

So you got to talk loud.

Okay.

Maybe like sing or something.

In the arms of

an angel.

That's not what I was expecting.

You're doing great, Taylor.

Keep going.

Canadian Queen.

You don't know any more words to that, do you?

Well, no, at this point, the narrators cut in.

Do you see these two children in a cage?

For just $5

a day, coffee a day.

They're living off of moldy rolls.

You can change their life.

You can buy these goblins earmuffs.

Let's see if the goblins are distracted.

The goblins are.

They take a few steps away.

They look over and they're very confused.

And they take a few steps away and they begin talking to each other, looking over every now and again, but not enough that they're really paying attention to you.

So it seems to be working.

So I'm at the bottom corner and I am just like scraping the end, the sharp end of the screwdriver against the rope.

to fray it and try to like, you know, just, it's not super sturdy.

Oh my God, Tally, do you think we could just pick this thing up and like walk with it

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like it's better than yours damn right it's better than yours what sorry what

you're doing a great job thanks do you think we just like pick this up and like

walk with it move it a little bit because it's like it's not big sure this is like a this by this okay okay uh got it okay so we're gonna be real nonchalant about it Okay, so should I keep singing?

No.

Oh, because I had a real good one next, but that's okay.

I'll get it next time.

I'll get it next time.

Okay, so be cool.

And just like lean up against the bars on one side.

Yeah.

And you're going to grab it.

Got it.

And then you're going to like just like grab it low, like bend your knees.

Bend your knees.

I got a little sully there for a second.

Sorry, you guys.

I'm bending my knees.

Bend your knees.

Yeah.

Can't get out of it.

And then then we're going to stand up and just, we're going to lift it like this much.

Just that, just a little bit.

A teeny tiny bit.

And we're going to go to the left.

To the left.

That was the song I was going to sing.

Sorry.

You can hum it while we do it, ready.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

Are they seriously going to like horse costume this cage right out of the cage?

321.

Like, is it easy to lift?

Can we just like.

Yeah, it's very easy to lift.

Okay, cool.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This isn't a roll.

I need to turn out to see if the children were still there.

These little spiders

are all in a kid.

I can't move my pinky.

Yeah.

Okay, I love it.

You can roll stealth.

Aw, damn it, Carla, you ruined everything.

I'm sorry.

I got that one good 14 in there, and the rest is just going to be a little bit more.

They did roll this one.

All right.

Well, that was a two.

Oh, wow.

Tally has to roll two, right?

Maybe Tally crushes it.

18.

You're rolling with mind ice.

Whoa.

All right.

So it's like this.

And my side's just dragging a little bit, I guess.

So, yeah, Tally lifts theirs and you lift yours and then trip.

And

the cage

scrapes along the floor.

Tally

continues to walk there on the other side.

And the cage begins to crumple upon itself.

The two goblins look over at you and they start to walk over.

and pick the cage back up and are securing it back down to the ground over top of them.

Thank you.

It fell over.

Anybody else surprised that didn't work?

Wow.

I mean, seemed like a perfect place.

I mean, it could have worked if Carla didn't say I had to roll for it.

Damage Carla.

It was my fault.

I made that not work.

I'm sorry.

We cut back up to the stables where the two children have run off and then

where you've

been able to follow them to.

You're all, you know, varying degrees of out of breath, depending on your level of athletic prowess,

when you arrive, and they get there and they're like, okay, so this is where we live.

Don't tell anybody.

Otherwise, we're going to be in a lot of trouble with Aladdin, okay?

I'm looking at you.

Take it to the grave.

I did it.

I've already forgotten that.

Don't even worry about it.

Where do you live again?

Thank you.

Many people know that one.

That's good.

Okay.

The hole to get in is down

in the storage place down here.

And they lead you down this little ladder ladder down into this old cold storage area, and they lead you to this little tunnel entrance, and they say, It's right here.

They go in there.

We see the light for a little bit, and then it disappears, and then sometime later they come back.

So, if you normally watch when they leave, did you see

which direction?

Yes, in

just in.

Okay, I guess that's the old direction, really.

Okay, that there is.

We've got a real tunnel

kind of conundrum here.

I guess Aladen didn't like

leave notes about where she was exploring or anything, probably, because poor child can't read.

Well,

she did leave numbers on the floor.

Okay.

Okay.

So you know numbers.

Good.

Good job, kids.

Thank you.

Yeah,

the numbers are upstairs.

And they zip back upstairs.

And anybody who does follow them, there looks to be a

drawing on the ground

of what looks like a tunnel system with numbers at each

what are presumably each entrance and exit.

So this is so we have like a rough map.

Yeah, like this is this is all the places that they've been and then

they said they were gonna go this other way that Aladdin said leads out of town because they'd seen all the other places that they were able to find

okay

okay that's actually extremely helpful so we'll just go down and go that way and then I'm sure we'll find her I'm sure she's fine well

they I'm sure they are fine Tally's fine thank you

everything's okay

works great kits great great we have four axes with us so I think we're gonna be

all right wow can I see them absolutely not

I can't even see them?

No, you can't even see them.

No,

from all the way over here, and I take two steps.

You only see the axes if it's the last thing you ever see.

That's when you see the axes.

Oh,

God.

That's scary.

I trust his must-a-bye.

I'm not trying to scare you.

Just listen, axes aren't toys.

They are either tools or a thing that you kill people with.

Okay.

Ren Kip would be a great babysitter.

I feel like I'm doing a great job at babysitting.

Yes, you're right.

How many people have you killed?

I mean, we probably need to go.

we actually because aladin

yeah we're gonna yeah do i get the man

yeah i traced it down i pulled out some paper and a and some ink and we're good to go on that end so good awesome okay you guys stay safe

do you need us to close up the door because that's what usually what aladdin gets us to do close the door and put the put the crate on the door Maybe.

Okay, but someone's going to be in here if we like.

I'm going to say maybe not the crate, maybe just the door.

Yeah, maybe leave the crate on the kids.

The door can stay off, kids.

Okay, yeah.

I mean, if a kid can move a crate, we can probably take care of it, yeah.

I guess that's true.

It depends on the angle.

I mean, if we're going to get mathematical about it,

the leverage, I would say, just to be safe, maybe no crates on top of doors that we just went through.

Okay.

Maybe just keep an eye on it.

Okay.

Look at this.

Close the door.

Look at the door until you come back.

Yeah.

I mean, you can look at other things.

Yes.

Other things.

Other main door.

Yeah.

Just don't look at it.

Maybe crack a book open, kids.

I don't know.

Something like that.

Yeah.

What's the book?

Never mind.

You're doing a great job, kids.

Okay.

And just hang out here and

we'll come back up with

all of the people that we need to come up with.

And none of the ones we don't need to.

For sure.

Yes.

I tell you what, play with this magical object I've been toying around with.

It's a question answer.

You take this ball, you shake it as you ask a question, and it'll tell you an answer.

If you give it a moment, an answer will appear from it.

Okay, okay.

So you can ask it all the questions in the world and it'll give you responses.

And I'll take it back when I get back because

it's still in progress, still work in progress.

So you know,

of course, yeah, yeah.

We will keep it very, very safe.

Okay, Dietra.

As you go down, we'll close the door.

And as they close the door, you hear, how many people did he kill?

Ask again later.

Dungeons and Dragons Season 3, Episode 15, starring Amy Moore as Aladdin, Carla Maxstead as Bonwin Everbane, Tom Laird as Kavlarin Goldweave, Kyle Classett as Bazard the Wizard, with special guest Joe Fisher from Midnight Burger as Rin Kip Selador, and Russ Moore as your Dungeon Master.

Dialogue editing by Carla Maxstead and and sound design by Russ Moore.

This episode featured music from Epidemic Sound and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.

Our amazing cover art and character designs are by Matt Garbutt.

And a huge thank you to our supporting producers: Gabriel Lynch, Jessica Babyak, Cat Waterflame, Jacob Madden, Christian Brown, Angeron Kierson, Perry Matey, Craig Zeiss, Old School Gamer D, LA Branton, Nathaniel Teeter, and Aaron.

Another thank you.

We've already done it because Rinkep's shown shown up before, but Joe has brought them to life in this episode and the next two episodes.

What was I saying?

Rin Kip Celador was a name given to us by Twiglets.

If you want to help us build the world with NPCs and shop names and street names and landmarks, you can do so at patreon.com/slash dumbdracking cast, where for as little as five bucks a month and a seven-day free trial, you get access to a whole bunch of amazing bonus content, including an exclusive Patreon-only show called called The Adventures of, and we'll be starting a Cyberpunk Red show starting very soon, GM'd by Kyle.

That's patreon.com/slash dumbdragoncast.

We hope to see you over there.

That's it for now.

See you next week when Joe joins us again and we try and track down Aladdin.

Maybe they'll get out of the cage.

Have a great week.

We'll talk to you soon.

I have a question.

I'm already turned around.

Fuck tunnels.

I'm looking through.

I'm looking through the hole.

Yeah.

However big it is or opening.

And then you turned around.

Okay, so they're behind me and now the only place I have to go is through this little hole to get into the goblin city.

So like

the plan I had to run away is not okay.

Well it's gone because you sat and waited.

Wow.

Why?

If someone didn't breathe so damn hard.

RPDM.

Seize the hole.

If not now, when?

I'm 14.

How much longer am I actually going to live?

Fun fact, I once spent two episodes in that cellar.

Just the cellar alone?

Most of it just in one crate in the cellar.

Oh, yeah.

Dungeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.