The Amelia Project and Midnight Burger Present: Somnium

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Hello everyone and welcome to the Amelia Project and Midnight Burger crossover episode.

We are so excited to be crossing over with one of our favorite shows, the Amelia Project.

Now, I think we know our listeners pretty well, and I'm pretty sure that the Venn diagram of people who listen to Midnight Burger and the people who listen to the Amelia Project is a circle.

But

just in case there are a few of you out there who have no idea what I'm talking about when when I say Amelia Project, this is for you.

The Amelia Project is a fantastic show about a secret society in London that people come to when they want to fake their death and start a brand new life wherever they want.

We had a great time making this episode with the Amelia Project team, and I have to say, it was pretty surprising how well these two worlds blend together.

So, let's get started.

Once upon a time,

in Piccadilly Circus.

Excuse me.

Hi, would you mind taking a picture of my family?

Oh, I would be happy to.

Here you go.

Excellent.

Hello there, young man.

This is little Henry.

He has a marvelously developed cranium.

Thank you.

All together now.

Say cheese.

Thank you.

Does it look alright?

It's wonderful, thank you.

It's our first time in London.

Lovely.

Do you live here?

At times.

I didn't think anyone who lived here came to this part of town.

It's such a tourist trap.

I I do not often find myself here, but today

something in the air.

Alright, well, thank you again.

Have a wonderful day.

Something in the air.

Something in the air.

Hello?

What?

Who is it?

Kozlovsky.

On the telephone?

Yes.

What are you talking about?

Speakerphone, please.

Can you say that again?

Perhaps you should turn on your television.

Television?

Okay, what channel?

Oh, I believe any of them will do.

What in the world are you talking about?

It was the strangest thing.

I awoke this morning and felt compelled to come to Piccadilly's circus.

Something in the air, I said to myself, lo and behold.

What on earth is it?

Is this some sort of pop-up shop?

Some sort of promotion for some sort of wretched product.

Oh no,

I do not believe so.

Keep watching.

I am sure they will play the CCTV footage at any moment.

It's in the middle of the street.

You simply felt there was something in the air.

There is a feeling one gets when a disturbance in the weather approaches.

It was not unlike that.

Here's the CCTV.

What the?

Well, tweeze my brows and call me delight.

It appeared out of nowhere.

Impossible.

I strongly suggest that the two of you join me as soon as you can.

It has become a very interesting day at Piccadilly Circus.

Is there anyone inside?

Logic would dictate.

How can you possibly invoke logic?

The authorities will approach approach at any moment.

I suggest you make your way.

Why are we coming there?

Kozlowski, I don't like this.

I think you should come back to the office.

I agree.

I've no idea what's just occurred, but it certainly doesn't concern us.

My friends, an American diner has just magically materialized in the middle of Piccadilly Circus.

Who else on the planet could this concern other than us?

The Amelia Project and Midnight Burger present

Somnium.

Written by Joe Fisher, Oystein Ulsberg Brager, and Philip Thorne.

Subtle.

Really subtle.

Where is this?

London?

Yeah.

It's not often we sat down in our location so awkwardly, is it, dear?

I can't recall any time we've sat down right in the middle of the road.

That's just plain bad manners.

It's okay.

It's not like the traffic in London can get any worse.

What the hell was that?

We're in the middle of the road.

London, right?

Yeah.

This is.

Conspicuous.

Nothing we can do about it now.

You know, now that I think about it, how come this doesn't happen more often?

We never appear in the middle of the road like this.

How come we don't show up in really awkward places more often?

Ooh, do you think we've ever killed a wicked witch?

Technically, we just did that.

Are we going to be surrounded by a bunch of billies with bobby clubs now?

Uh, I

think it's bobbies with billy clubs.

Oh, I think we'll get the armed response team for this one.

Wouldn't it be funny if we just got a ticket?

Listen, you lot.

No parking your cafe in the middle of Piccadilly.

Move along, then.

No chance of us doing any sightseeing today, is there?

I'm afraid we're standing out like wings on a Holstein dear.

Why would the diner set us down here?

Why would you?

Why would I?

Yeah.

Let's assume it's not random.

Okay.

Okay, I'm the diner.

You're the diner.

I set myself down in a very busy and noisy area of a major city.

I make a big mess.

People freak out.

Police probably on their way.

You're trying to get someone's attention.

Right.

But the attention of whom?

Right.

Popping up in a location like this, it's like shooting a flare.

Kind of hard to keep calm and carry on past this one.

I guess we just wait and see.

I'm thinking we won't need to wait long, Gloria.

Is someone parking in our parking lot?

I mean, it's free parking in the middle of the city.

Someone's going to go for it.

It's a cab.

What do they call a cab in London?

They call it a cab.

Seems to be a woman and her butler and a very tall man.

Thank you, my good man.

Okay,

that didn't take long.

Here we go.

Hello there!

Welcome to Midnight Burger.

Afternoon.

What can we get you today?

I'm sorry.

You just appeared in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, and you're just going to take our order?

Probably the best place to start, right?

Fascinating.

Hot cocoa, please.

What?

Hot.

Cocoa.

Do we even have any?

I can do that.

How about everyone else?

A cup of tea?

Do you have curly fries?

No.

Shame.

Black coffee, then.

Are you guys the Secret Service?

Um, we are not.

The Avengers?

The British ones.

Do you have a sword, Kane?

I do not.

Will someone begin talking, please?

I can sense your confusion.

Oh, can you?

It's called a diner.

You don't really have them here.

It's a roadside restaurant.

I don't think that's anywhere close to the source of our confusion.

Oh, for heaven's sake, will someone please explain the pure madness that is unfolding in Piccadilly Circus today?

Midnight Burger.

It's a time-traveling dimension-spanning diner.

We show up somewhere new every day.

That's preposterous.

Yes.

Where were you yesterday?

Some planet.

Um, never got the name.

What were you doing there?

A wedding.

Ah.

Well, how nice that you also offer catering.

Who was the officiant?

Was it your mechanic?

Our radio.

I beg your pardon.

Afternoon, all.

I'm Zebulon Mucklewain, here with my wife, Effie.

Hi, y'all.

It was a lovely service yesterday, was it not, dear?

It was indeed.

There was a bit of a language barrier, seeing as how they were from another realm entirely, but there was a universality to our intentions that I think really kept the butts in the seats.

Most definitely.

Who's that talking through your radio?

Effie and Zebulon Mucklewain.

Y'all, I can't give you hot chocolate, a tea, and a coffee while you're standing up.

This isn't a cocktail party.

Have a seat.

This booth here looks lovely.

I think I actually do need to sit down.

Great.

Well, you do realize that, regardless of the truth of your story, the authorities will arrive any moment.

Yeah.

It never goes well for them when they do that.

So, why do you decide to show up in the middle of a street in broad daylight?

We didn't.

Who did?

We can't really control where we go.

There are times when I feel like we can control it a little, and there are times when this place seems to have an agenda of its own.

But generally speaking, we're not in charge.

And what agenda do you think it may have in the middle of London?

I'm Gloria, by the way.

Forgive me, Pietr Kozlovsky.

Alvina.

That is a very important point.

What is your agenda?

I don't know, but it does seem like anytime someone walks through that door, they do it for a reason.

Leif, what was your theory?

Well, I was just saying, for the diner to make a big mess like this, maybe it's trying to get someone's attention.

Did we get your attention, guys?

Um,

yeah.

Okay,

well, welcome to Midnight Burger.

I'm Gloria.

Oh, over there is Ava.

She's a theoretical physicist.

That's Lave.

He makes things.

You met Effie and Zabulon, and that's Casper.

Hi.

He's old.

It's true.

How old?

173 years.

Give or take?

They don't believe.

Oh, yes, we do.

We do.

Then why are you laughing?

Old.

So, what do we think?

Why was the diner trying to get your attention?

Um,

I believe I have a few ideas.

I believe I

believe my colleagues and I would like a moment to confer.

Oh, okay, sure.

I'm making caldo de albondigas.

Who wants some?

Making what?

Meatball soup.

Well,

that sounds lovely.

I believe we'll just have our beverages, thank you.

Sure.

Just yell at Casper if you need something.

Thank you.

So

what is your theory, Kozlovsky?

Yes.

You said it had to concern us, but so far I don't see how.

The details are not clear yet, but I believe that if we tell them who we are and what we do, it might become clear.

Tell them about the Emilia project?

Absolutely no way.

Why not?

Because what we do is a secret to anyone apart from those who require our services.

Perhaps they do require our services.

Why would they?

They have a.

What was it?

Universe-travelling

time-shifting, greasy spoon.

It's a diner.

I know.

My point is, they seem to be able to go anywhere at any point.

They don't need to fake their deaths and start a new life.

They can just go beam me up, Scotty, and they're out of here.

Perhaps this is the very predicament they need to escape.

Perhaps they are prisoners of a magic restaurant that will never allow them to settle down, never allow them to build friendships, start a family, pursue a career maybe they want help rescuing those two trapped in the radio what are you agreeing now we just put all our cards on the table i think an unorthodox situation might call for an unorthodox approach besides if they're about to zap out of here to some entirely different planet i don't see how them knowing about the amelia project could really hurt us we don't know that story is true avina have you heard of occam's razor was it so sharp he cut himself on it let us put it to a vote

You're two, I'm one.

We should still vote.

Why?

I like the excitement.

I wish Amelia was here to just cut through this nonsense.

Show of hands.

No, wait.

Let's do ballots.

I think I have some gum paper in my pocket.

Okay, what do we think of these weirdos?

Are they weird or are they just Europeans?

We magically appeared in the middle of the city and they just walked in the front door.

They're definitely weird.

Also, they seem freaked out, but not too freaked out.

Like, they've seen some really weird shit.

Well, they're certainly not the worst people to walk through the door.

They seem fine.

Jane.

Jane.

Jane.

Jane.

Definitely.

Sadly, I agree.

They're here for a reason, I'm thinking.

I agree, dear.

Let's not rule out a little divine providence.

What's the reason, though?

Why would some lady, her butler, and a seven-foot-tall what is he, Swedish?

I think he's French.

Whatever he is.

Why would they be here?

Y'all, have we forgotten that there is one problem in particular we have been trying to work out for weeks now that we have yet to stick a fork in?

Oh, right.

Our passenger.

She has been here for a while now.

Not sure how they can help with that.

Unless there's some kind of secret society that disappears people and provides them with new lives, no matter how ridiculous their request may be.

Yeah,

that's unlikely.

I have conferred with my colleagues, and we have decided, cards on the table,

we are the Amelia Project, a secret society that disappears people and provides them with new lives no matter how ridiculous their request may be.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh.

Well, now, once again, I am humbly staying silent when divine providence makes itself known.

I can hear you, though.

Well, it's a good thing you're here then.

You have a customer.

Let's get you some puppy jackets.

This

is not a deep freeze.

No,

it's not.

Take all the time you need.

Where are we?

Another world.

Yes, it's funny.

We never named it.

We just call it the deep freeze.

How far does it go?

Ava, did we ever.

It's about three times the size of Jupiter.

My goodness.

Have you traveled through it extensively?

No, we pretty much stay in this area.

Calculating the curvature of a celestial body using the sun is pretty easy.

Even Leaf can do it.

Ah, ah.

I must see more.

Her camp is this way.

Follow me.

Hey there.

How are we doing?

I'm Casper.

Alvina.

Where are you from?

Samson.

Cool, cool.

Is that a

big city or a town or it's a microscopic island off of Briar.

Which is a big

island?

Which is an island off of Tresco, which again is an island off of St.

Mary.

Which is an island off the coast of Cornwall.

Cornwall.

We made land.

I have heard of that.

So you're from

offshore?

I'm from a place that is pretty much as remote as anywhere you can get in Britain.

Me and my mum used to joke it was like living on another planet.

I'm from Ohio, originally.

Then California, a lot.

Sacramento.

all up and down the I-5 corridor.

Barstow for a while, sadly.

But now, I'm

actually on another planet.

And.

Yeah.

You know what's funny?

Anytime someone sets foot on another planet for the first time, that's the first thing they say.

I'm on another planet.

It's very simple.

How is this possible?

And then they follow up with how is this possible?

I'm serious.

The door to our deep freeze leads to another planet.

Yes, I caught that.

Okay, then you know as much as I do.

You

go about your day knowing there's a gateway to another planet in your deep freeze.

How do you get anything done?

Well,

let me ask you this.

As you go about your daily life in your world, how much do you know about how it works?

The streetlights turn on when the sun goes down.

How do they know?

You assume it's some sort of process involving computers and electricity being rerouted on some sort of timer, but you assume that.

You actually have no idea how it works.

How do the trains run without crashing into each other?

You assume there's a system there, you don't know what it is.

If memory serves, you have a complicated barrier on the Thames to keep it from flooding the city.

It's this massive thing.

How does it work?

You probably have no idea.

We spend all day in a world we know practically nothing about.

Our world is just a little fancier.

Well, I'm sure if I took an afternoon off, I could figure out how the Thames barrier works.

And I'm sure if we took the time, we could figure out how the deep freeze works, we've just always got something else going on.

Things like what?

Things like three people walking in the front door calling themselves the Amelia project.

Come on, you can't enjoy it if you're too busy being astounded by it.

Come meet the wolves.

Wolves?

No, no, they're great.

It's fine.

Come on.

The laws of planetary motion.

Number one, planets orbit the sun in an elliptical orbit.

Number two,

a planet moves faster when it's closer to the sun.

Number three,

planets that are further away from the sun have longer orbital periods.

Why are you saying this to me?

Those are the laws of planetary motion.

Created by who?

Johannes Kepler, I believe.

Great.

Yes.

He was one of the big ones.

Kepler had an idea.

He wanted people to get their heads out of the sand and start looking up.

He wanted his ideas about heliocentricity and the solar system to be presented to all types of people, people who aren't necessarily astronomers.

How do you do that?

How do you get people to look up?

Pointing?

You tell them a story.

He wrote a fairy tale called Somnium, a story about a young boy and his mother.

The boy's mother was a witch and she summoned a demon that took her and her son through a magical portal to the moon.

While they were there, they visited a city on the moon and observed the solar system spinning the way Kepler theorized it would.

It was a simple story, no big deal.

But here's the problem.

People hate to read

and they love to gossip.

Some people didn't get the memo that Kepler was writing a fictional story.

Suddenly, throughout Europe, people were saying, hey, did you hear about Kepler?

His mom's a witch and they went to the moon using demon powers.

People actually believed that story was real?

Well, it was 1608.

Everybody had their heads up their asses.

When the news reached the wrong people in Germany, Kepler's mother was arrested for witchcraft.

Where are you taking me with this story?

Kepler schlepped his ass across Europe and spent five years defending his mother.

That's five years he could have spent studying the universe, and he spent it arguing with the German witchnarks.

So there we are in Germany.

Right time, right place.

I convinced everyone to break her out of witch jail.

You performed a jailbreak?

Yes.

In Germany?

Yes.

In the 17th century.

Correct.

Who is waiting for us at the end of this walk?

Katerina Kepler.

Mother of one of the greatest scientists in history

and alleged witch.

Why have you kept her in this place?

Why not the warmth of the cafe?

She likes it here.

She says it reminds her of home.

Well, Germany in the 17th century.

I can see the resemblance.

Do you make a habit of abducting people from the space-time continuum?

Actually, no.

This is rare for us.

See, it turns out, when a magical disappearing diner breaks you out of prison, that has a tendency to support the allegations that you're a witch.

Who would have thought?

Long story short, we saved her, but made her her a fugitive from her own time.

So,

she's looking for a new life, and according to you three,

that's what you're all about.

And according to you, you're in a new place and time every day.

Certainly she could have stepped off anywhere.

She's

particular.

Particular about what?

She just keeps saying...

not right.

Hardly helpful.

So if you three are who you say you are, and you're so good at finding people a new life no matter how ridiculous the request,

find her one.

Her camp is up ahead.

I make no promises, but I shall meet with her.

Good luck.

Are there any um precautions I should take in this place?

Do I need to keep a lookout for the White Witch?

No, you're safe.

And we've already made all of the Narnia jokes.

Maybe a bit slow going.

My German is quite rusty.

She's picked up English remarkably fast.

You'll be fine.

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Good nabent, Frau Kepler.

Dawichmit inen am Feuer sitzen?

Please do not waste my time fumbling through my language.

Very well.

You may sit.

Sit.

I am only now realizing that you are surrounded by wolves.

You have never seen a wolf.

I've seen them.

They are just dogs.

Frau Kepler, if they were just dogs, we would call them dogs.

We call them something else because they are, in fact, wild animals and not dogs.

Oh, goodness me!

That one is Jean-Cook.

The Spaniard.

She has given them very strange names.

It's looking at me.

Want you to pet him.

Don't be a bastard.

Very well.

Hello, Jungkook.

So,

who are you?

Why have you come?

Yes.

Frau Kepler.

I represent an organization known as the Amelia Project.

And you have come here.

Why?

We've been told you're on the search for a new life and have been a bit vexed in finding one.

I'm particular.

What does this have to do with you?

My colleagues and I, we specialize in new lives.

Our clients will ask us for a new life, and we will move heaven and earth to provide it.

We also specialize in faking deaths, but your strange friends here seem to have taken care of that part for you.

Whisking you away to the heavens in a...

well, not quite a golden chariot, but a.

Well, a restaurant.

A new life.

Yes.

We are only given one life.

Hmm.

An interesting thought.

One life.

I myself feel as though I've had a thousand.

Do you not feel the same?

I was a young girl, then a bride, then a mother, grandmother.

Precisely.

Our sigil is the Phoenix,

always rising anew from the ashes.

Lucerus Eihorn was his name.

The vote of Liamberg.

He swore to the people of the city that he would drive out all sorcerers.

I was not the only one.

There were 15 of us.

15 women.

Eight of us were executed in the town square.

The people laughed.

Not your life for them.

Why for me?

Well, we'll come to call this feeling the guilt of the survivor.

After the initial relief of one's life being spared, a feeling settles about you.

Why me?

Why was I spared and not the others?

Can you tell me why?

I cannot.

Though it may have had something to do with having one of the most brilliant men in Europe on your defense team.

And I am sure he was that brilliant man due in no small part to his mother.

You know of my son.

They all seem to know of my son.

Anyone with even a passing understanding of the sky above their heads knows your son.

Though perhaps not this particular sky we are currently under.

It is a beautiful place, yes.

Reminds me of Wutenberg.

Oh, the cold.

So in my home,

the wolves were not so kind.

Your new friends have told me that you've seen many different worlds since you left your own.

Many places to start over.

To rise from the ashes, as it were.

They've all been lacking?

They have.

I propose that your displeasure with all these new worlds is due to your guilt.

Your guilt in surviving that harrowing experience when others did not.

I have been alive

for 75 years.

No small feat.

But I refuse to confess and my son refused to give up.

So

I live.

If I am to be reborn, as you say,

it must be perfect.

It must be the final time.

So,

it must be perfect.

I would also argue that insisting on perfection is an excellent way to prevent one from making a decision.

It is my life.

I will make whatever demands of it I wish.

Very well.

Very well.

I agree that this place is beautiful.

I am unsettled by this place.

I have seen a great many things, but this, I am out of my element.

And I do so love being in my element.

Lovely planet, but I sincerely doubt they have anything here remotely like Les Du Margot.

So, in an effort to move this along, I will offer you a deal.

What is this deal?

Picture in your mind the perfect place.

The place that will be the site of your rebirth.

Picture this place.

Then you will describe it to me.

And then, no matter what it takes,

I will find it.

Even if I have to build this place by hand, brick by brick, I will find it for you.

Any place at all?

Any place you so desire.

How will you do this?

I have no idea, but it shall be done.

All you need to do is tell me of the place.

Very well.

I accept your offer.

Ha!

Excellent.

Everyone, everyone, stop lurking back there.

We've work to do.

Everyone, gather round the fire.

Does she know where she wants to go?

Apparently.

She's about to tell us.

This is fun.

This is like a game show.

This is a lot of wolves.

Is this okay?

They're great.

Think of them as Disney wolves, not fantasy novel wolves.

Did they just kill a deer?

Except for that part.

Except for the deer killing part.

Can't believe we're finally getting some movement on this.

She's been in our inbox way too long.

I will, Katerina.

I'm standing all the way back here.

What's that about?

Katerina's not so hot on our magical radio.

They claim to be followers of Jesus, but they are fueled by the evil magic.

We have been nothing but kind to that woman.

We've tried every record in our collection.

I even found some umpa pa music to remind her of home.

Poker music originated in Bohemia and not until the 19th century.

You're trying to remind her of her home by playing music from another country and also from her relative future.

So, unless you have any Hans Leo Hustler in your collection, I have very quickly become comfortable with speaking to them like they are people.

Happens fast, doesn't it?

Where was I?

The bargain.

Ah, yes.

The bargain is this.

Frau Kepler will name her ideal destination, her new life, and it will then fall to us to find her that place, no matter how impossible the request.

No matter how impossible.

Correct.

That leaves a lot of room for faith.

Indeed, it does.

But she would have gone on like this forever.

The deadlock needed to be broken.

We shall break it by doing the impossible as we normally do.

So, now that we're all gathered, Frau Kepler, where will your new life begin?

Lovania.

Levania?

Anyone?

Shit.

Um, she's laughing.

Why is she laughing?

Here's a description of Lavania.

The city of Lavania is a marvel of beauty and harmony.

It is built on a hillside, and its streets are lined with trees and flowers.

The buildings are made of white marble, and they are all decorated with intricate carvings.

The city is also home to many beautiful gardens, which are filled with exotic plants and animals.

That hardly seems a challenge.

You just described every affluent suburb in America, she basically wants to go to Westchester.

Yes.

Two problems.

One,

Lavania is on the moon.

Ah.

Two,

Lavania is fictional.

Uh-huh.

It's from her son's book, the one that got her thrown in witch jail.

In the book, the boy's mother conjures a demon, and the demon takes them up to a magical city on the moon called

Lavania.

So she's just fucking with us now.

Indeed, she is.

But a deal is a deal.

Indeed, it is.

I will wait here patiently while you find for me Lavania.

Okay,

I guess this is going to take a while.

I'll get some food started.

I hope everybody likes venison.

How much time do we have?

The London police are going to surround this place any minute now.

We've actually got all the time in the world because of the gravitational.

What?

Gravitational time dilation.

Time moves a lot slower down here than it does out there.

How much slower?

Weeks down here is a few minutes up there.

Wow.

Which would imply that the gravity here is far greater.

And yet, I feel nothing.

I know.

Weird, right?

So, we've got time.

Anyone feel like breaking down a deer with me?

I would be delighted.

Great.

Get over here, big guy.

Laif, Ava, Casper.

You want to brainstorm some imaginary city on the moon solutions?

Okay.

How about some music?

An excellent idea, Gloria.

In keeping with our lunar theme, here's the Benson Orchestra of Chicago with Moon of My Dreams.

Of course, it would be the Moon.

You did kind of set yourself up for failure.

You basically asked her to make it impossible.

I had to break her.

Break the deadlock, I get it.

You'd think that someone who's enjoyed what she has would welcome a fresh start.

But she seems quite resistant, so...

The moon.

I've got some ideas.

You're surprisingly quick breaking down that deer.

Thank you.

It has been quite a long time since I have broken down an animal, but there are so many similarities across the natural world.

Kozlovsky is.

Sometimes when people need a new life, they need a new

face.

Among other things.

Oh,

that's.

weird.

Thank you.

How can you call anything weird while you're in this place?

I know what you mean.

So you really just

show up wherever.

Pretty much.

What's your favorite place you've been?

Oh,

it's hard to pick.

There was this really great guy on a derelict spaceship one time.

I guess that's the thing.

It's the people.

Not the places for me.

The places are beautiful, but the people?

They're from light years away and they might as well be from my old neighborhood.

Universe after universe of people just trying to get through the day and maybe needing some help to do it.

If it's all so amazing, why hasn't you found a place to be?

Well, you're not getting old right now.

What do you mean?

It's a shifting point of no entropy or something.

When you're here, time doesn't pass.

According to Ava, when Kepler finally got his mom freed from prison, she died soon after returning home.

As soon as she picks a place, she won't be there for long.

She's picking a place to die.

That's a hard spot to find.

You don't age?

No.

So, how old are you?

None of us have been here that long.

I'm not from the 1800s or something.

But Casper?

Casper's been here a long time.

Are you all looking for a place to be?

We were.

We found it.

There's a city on the moon.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, there was in my timeline.

I'm assuming there's one in this one.

Certainly, it would have been seen by now.

It's on the dark side of the moon.

Oh, so we can't see it because it's always dark there.

Casper, no.

We've seen the dark side of the moon.

We haven't seen the dark side of the moon.

It's always dark there.

It's not.

Is he doing his dark side of the moon thing again?

Yes.

I love it.

It's called the dark side of the moon.

Well, they must be pretty dark pictures.

It's cloaked.

Hiding things from Earth is pretty easy.

Yeah, easy because it's in complete darkness all the time.

Casper!

No, keep going.

He literally can't get it.

What is there to get?

It's the dark side of the moon.

It's always dark there.

No!

It's not.

Yes, it is.

It's like giving a calculator to a gibbon.

I'm moving on.

There's a city on the dark side of the moon.

More like a small town.

What goes on there?

It started as a relay station for something called Earth Portal, but, you know, the people who worked there had to live somewhere.

And then someone decides to open a general store, then a bar.

It's not a bad place.

And she could live there.

Theoretically.

She's not going to be depressed living in all that darkness.

Do I literally have to show you a picture?

No, don't ruin it.

His stupidity is too beautiful.

What are you talking about?

If you can get her to agree that this is as close to...

What is it?

Lavania.

As close to Lavania as we can get, then we just need to find a way to get her to the moon.

Oh, is is that all?

I mean, it's right there.

It's 400,000 kilometers away.

And we've never been closer to finding this lady a home.

Let's do this.

Sell it to her.

Sell her the moon.

Everybody's gotta live somewhere.

Alvina.

What?

A word.

Who's the one in charge here?

I'm getting mixed signals.

It would depend entirely on the person being asked.

What is it?

We must arrange a trip to the far side of the moon.

Where it's dark?

Where it is dark.

The moon.

The moon.

Oh, so we're building a rocket ship now.

Well, ideally, we would simply use someone else's.

Simply.

Who do we have in French Guiana?

Uh, I don't know.

I can make some calls.

Excellent.

I'm guessing my mobile service isn't great here on another planet.

If you stand by the door, it should be fine.

What does French Guiana have to do with anything?

It's where the ESA launches from.

And what are we about to do?

Duct tape her to a rocket ship?

Not a bad idea.

The visual is certainly funny.

We need a list of options, however ridiculous.

Okay, I guess I'm calling French Guiana.

I'll go with you.

I've got some questions.

What is the name of this alleged city?

Honestly, everybody just calls it Moon City.

They had the opportunity to name a city on the moon and decided on Moon City.

London literally means place of the beaver.

That is not historically supported.

Call it whatever you want.

She's not going to know.

This is good.

This is progress.

We just need to sell her on Moon City now.

Very well.

Frau Kepler, we have considered your request.

It is not a request.

It is a demand.

We have addressed your demands.

Continue.

You have requested...

You have requested something quite beautiful, in all honesty.

You have requested that you be whisked away to a magical city on the moon.

This was an idea created by your son, a great man.

He imagined that his mother would weave magic and take them both up into the stars.

This is not an unusual fantasy.

Surely there is a time for all of us in our lives when we see our mothers as magical beings.

With a wave of a wooden spoon, there is dinner.

With a wrapping of fabric and a kiss, a wound is healed.

With an embrace, all darkness is dispelled.

For a time, as a child, everyone's mother is a witch, a sorceress, a commander of Eldritch forces.

And then, as we reach adulthood, the feeling fades

we begin to see our mothers as human valuable

as flawed as we all are

though somehow your son well into adulthood was able to imagine his mother as a magical being

you wish to honor his vision as any mother would

then you understand

I do.

As it happens, your son was not writing fiction.

As I have just learned, there is a city on the moon.

It is not called Lavania.

But there, on the side of the moon hidden from our world, is a city.

People live there happily.

And should you agree that this city, though it is not the fictional city of your son's imaginings, will suffice, we will send you there.

Where you can begin a new life.

How would you do it?

We're working on that right now.

It's not magic, but if anyone can get you there, it's this group of weirdos.

She can just live on the moon?

Last I checked, it was cold there, and also had no oxygen.

I'm assuming that's taken care of by the city she's staying in, but it's a good point.

Living on the moon would be pretty hard on the human body.

Low gravity wreaks havoc on bone density, muscle mass, also your eyes.

Reflection from the white surface of the moon can give you the equivalent of snow blindness.

It would be great if you could go to the moon with a brand new body.

Challenge accepted, madam.

I know.

I love it.

While the others set their efforts toward fashioning you a chariot to the stars, I shall be given the glorious task of transforming you into a lunar being.

We shall strengthen your bones.

We shall enliven your muscle mass and your eyes.

We shall make them photochromic to protect them from the harsh light.

You shall become a creature of the stars.

And all I require is the blood of the Spanish prince.

And the eyes of thirteen albino chihuahuas.

Do you mind?

Sorry.

So there are no direct launches at all?

Not for the next three years.

Great.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

What's the deal?

No launches from French Guiana in the next three years.

The ESA is part of the Artemis moon mission.

They're contributing to the power systems for the manned rocket and are handling the space station that's going to orbit the moon.

But they're not going to land.

That's better, actually.

How?

A manned mission isn't going to go to the far side of the moon,

but a space station will.

What?

You're just going to drop her from the space station?

When's the first launch?

Six weeks.

Okay.

Okay, so you'd need a stasis chamber that can work like a soft lander.

I can arrange for pickup after she's dropped off.

You can just deliver her to the moon like she's an Amazon package.

That depends.

How's your tech guy?

He's

alright.

Probably better with explosives than stasis chambers.

Get him on the phone.

I've got a very long grocery list for him.

Okay.

Ah, Bonjar Nosavatore.

I've got

a bit of a big ask.

Oh, yes, hell.

Great idea.

Hell?

Don't worry about it.

We'll fix the stasis chamber.

It might be shaped like a skull and have glowing eyes, but it will work.

That rules!

So

you will put me into a cocoon.

Yes?

I will transform into a butterfly there on the moon.

That is what we propose.

But this is not Lavania.

It is not.

I want to ask the talking box.

I believe she means us, dear.

I gathered.

This is interesting.

What does your god say about the soul of the fugitive

about one who searches for home?

The Bible says quite a great deal about searching for a home.

Much of the beginnings of our faith are stories of the fugitive, stories of the lost.

So much so that I'd struggle to pick one.

But I suppose Ruth comes to mind.

Ruth was a Moabite woman who married an Israelite.

When there was a great famine, Ruth and her mother-in-law Naomi both lost their husbands and were bereft.

They left the land that was their home and wandered.

They found themselves in Bethlehem.

The people of Bethlehem took them in as if they were their own and found a safe place in those rolling fields of barley.

Ruth remarried and gave birth to Obed.

And Obed was the grandfather of King David himself.

It is the fugitive that gives birth to kings, Catherine.

Oftentimes it is the refugee that is the seed of a great land, for only they can truly know the value of having a land to call their own.

I will not be giving birth to kings or creating kingdoms.

Well, to hear others tell it, you already did that.

A great many people have a great many wonderful things to say about that son of yours.

Most look up at the stars and see a great mystery, and it seems as though your son looked up and said, No.

No, it can all make sense.

I'll make sense of it.

I'll start at one side of the sky, work my way across, and that will be my life.

Makes sense to me for you to rise up into that sky.

It's a kingdom that he made for you.

He was a good boy.

Very well.

I will go.

Oh, shit.

Amazing.

Excellent.

Alvina, next steps.

Well, it's simple.

All we have to do now is escape this alien planet, escape this magical diner that will be surrounded by the police any second, then put Katarina through some very complicated surgeries, have Luke and Salvatore build some sort of stasis chamber, and sneak it on board a rocket bound for the moon's orbit.

And we have to do all of that in six weeks.

Simple enough?

Sure.

Frau Kepler, gather your things.

It is time to leave the woods.

I have no things.

I only have myself.

For a journey such as this, that is all that one needs.

Why is it that the London police are never inept when you need them to be?

Do you have a plan to get out of here?

I called upstairs, she's about to pick us up.

Upstairs?

That's what we call the boss.

Huh?

And how's she picking you up?

Apparently, in a helicopter.

She's on her way.

She can fly a helicopter?

I had no idea.

Yeah, I didn't know that either.

A flying machine?

Spends weeks on another planet.

She's amazed by a damn helicopter.

Leif, when are we getting a helicopter?

I hate helicopters.

Let's get a hovercraft.

Not the same.

And they are always dwelling within the radio.

Pretty much.

I mean, sometimes they have a day out.

Sometimes they're robots.

Fascinating.

I don't like it when the big one looks at us.

I am uncomfortable.

I will be glad to leave this place behind.

Too many unknown things here.

I think your recent experiences with witch trials has made you too paranoid, Katerina.

And you are too trusting.

I'm too trusting.

You're the one who just agreed to get carved up by Vigo the Carpathian over there.

I imagine we'll leave you in quite a mess once we've gone.

Don't worry about us.

We always let in the customers, but we've also gotten really good at keeping people out.

Including the entire City of London police force?

Oh, yes.

You.

You're like my son.

Me?

Sure, in a way.

You will guard his legacy.

After I am gone.

Yes.

I promise.

There's no room to land.

You have to climb the ladder.

It's incredible how it can stay still in the air like that.

I didn't know you knew how to fly a helicopter.

I know!

Now hurry up before gravity finds out!

I'll go first, Katerina.

Then you follow me.

Then I will follow behind and make sure you do not fall.

This has been quite an odd experience.

You've handled it very well.

Shall we meet again, do you think?

We will.

We already have.

We are right now.

Right.

Best of luck to you all.

Midnight Pergo.

Good luck to you, Amelia Project.

What a strange world we live in!

Said Alice to the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, like Amelia Earhart.

Right.

Because she disappeared.

Yes.

Now I get it.

This special crossover episode of Midnight Burger and the Amelia Project featured Anna Maria Everett as Katarina, Shelly Darrington as the woman in Piccadilly, Hemi Yiroham as Kozlowski, Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia C.

Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morazawa as Amelia, Susie Suarez as Gloria, Tom Moorman as Laif, Joe Fisher as Casper, Finley Stevenson as Ava, Julie Cowden Starbird as Effie, and Neil Starbird as Zebulon.

Production assistance by Marty Parsival, music by Frederick Baden, graphic design by Anders Peterson, and co-produced by Imploding Fictions and Business Goose Media.

And don't forget.

And if time and tide roil you too harshly, or diurnal courses leave you with no safe havens, just remember, we're out there, somewhere, looking for you.

We open at six.

Oh, and by the way, it was also brought to you by our Monte Cristo level and above supporters.

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I hope something good happens to you today.

Yes, you.

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